Takeaways & Reflections | Child Grievers: Adult Victims in the Making?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY
As a child, were you called a crybaby?
A child taught to grieve alone becomes an adult who also grieves alone. To break the cycle of learned behavior, we have to learn new information.
If you want to learn how to support children in their grief, this episode walks you through what not to do and what to do instead. Most of us grew up without a healthy demonstration of how to grieve healthily. When we are faced with challenges as adults, we resort to what we know and what we’ve been taught.
When someone does something hurtful to you, is your knee-jerk reaction to blame that person for “making” you angry or sad? First, that’s a lot of power to give the other person. And second, this is a learned behavior that is also what keeps us in a victim mindset well into adulthood.
Take twenty minutes out of your day today and learn a better way to support a grieving child you know or love.
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There is No Hierarchy of Loss
Hello, thank you so much for listening to grieving voices today. I am your host Victoria Volk of the Unleashed heart. And today this is episode 89. A takeaways and reflections episode from episode 88, with Michele Benyo, a mother and daughter living forward after loss, and I’m going to just dive right into it because this one is going to be all about the children. And the child grievers out there, which I was one. And if you haven’t heard my story, just real briefly, my father was diagnosed with colon cancer stage four, when I was six years old, or so maybe about seven, that he was given three to four months to live at that time. But he made it almost 16 months. And so shortly after my eighth birthday, he had passed away. And so during that time, I was bounced around from house to house. During those 16 months while he was in and out of the hospital having surgeries. He had a colostomy bag. They kind of tried everything. I guess they could, but it wasn’t enough. And I really had to grow up fast. And as many children do, who experience a significant loss of a parent, or guardian or a caretaker, or someone who has greatly influenced their life doesn’t have to be a parent. And it can even be just the loss of a pet can be absolutely devastating and crushing for a child. There is no hierarchy of loss, because we all grieve at 100%. And every relationship that we have is unique to us. Therefore, our grief is also unique.
Creation of Adult Victims
What I’d like to talk about today is the creation of adult victims. What do I mean by that? Well, if you’ve listened to enough of my episodes, you will know and you’ve heard me say before that adulthood is childhood reenactments. And that’s what we say in Grief Recovery, and it’s absolutely the truth. Because as adults, when our backs are up against the wall, when we’re faced with challenges, when we find ourselves emotionally razzled challenged or struggling, we will always resort to the information and the experiences that we’ve had, but the information that we know, which is often based on our experiences, but it’s also information that has been passed down to us. It is the beliefs and those patterns that have probably continued on for generations within your family. And my family was no different. You know, there was no talk of grief, there really just wasn’t very much emotional intelligence in the home. And that’s like many homes, even back in the 80s. And even today, because again, these things are cyclic, this information that continues to get passed down and impacts the future generation. And this is how patterns and cycles continue. So unless we learn differently, and unless we learn how to address our grief, we will pass those lessons down to our children.
Children Are Very Imaginative
And so today is really about how you as a parent can set up your child for the best response to grief possible. Now, what does that mean? That means that for you to pass down those lessons, you need to understand your own as well, that I’m going to give you some information today that will hopefully cause some reflection and introspection. And it’s not to judge, it’s not to criticize it is to put the children first. And it is with love from my heart to yours, because as a grieving child, nobody really knew what to do with me. Nobody knew what to say. And so they said nothing. And I became the child that didn’t speak unless spoken to, I really became small. And the wallflower and I became a people pleaser too, children are the most vulnerable when they’re grieving, because they’re easily manipulated and taken advantage of and influenced, right, because unless they’re taught or unless it’s emulated for them, children don’t really know how to emotionally regulate themselves. And so when you have a devastating loss, or trauma, or in my case, both, that’s a lot for a child to understand and cope with. What children do is they make up their own stories, when the guidance isn’t there, or when there isn’t someone supporting their grief, in a healthy way. And so children have an imagination, right? Children are very imaginative. And so you can imagine the stories that children tell themselves when something bad happens to them. And you can see where this creates a lot of issues with self worth, into adulthood. And so this is where I’m going to start today. In childhood, it is very common to hear statements like don’t do that you’ll make your father angry, or you make mommy feel so proud. And if you listen closely to those phrases, you will notice that they suggest that someone else makes them feel a certain way. As a result, a victim foundation is laid with the idea that other people are the chief architects of our feelings. And because children are very, very smart, they quickly realize that if they have the power to make mom or dad feel something, then Mom or Dad can make them feel something. As the adults we often mistakenly say or imply that the words or actions of others are the primary cause of the child’s feelings.
Importance of 1%
And the underlying message is that others made the child feel a certain way. Say for example, you’re stuck in traffic or someone cuts you off, which that’s happened to probably anyone here listening and your responses is ‘Oh, they made me so mad. They cut me off in traffic. And I was then late for work. And because they drove so slow, but they cut me off. And this is a very generalized example. But if your child’s in the back seat, and they’re hearing this, they’re hearing that someone else made mommy angry. Someone cut mommy off in traffic, and that person made mommy angry. And I remember when my husband and I, I don’t know if it was in our parenting early on, or I’m not even sure when. But I remember it just made me so mad. Because I think deep down, I knew it was the truth. But he would say, Nobody makes you angry. You make yourself angry. And it really took me personally a long time to accept that, because I spent so much of my life. Being angry. I was an angry child. I was an angry teenager, and I became an angry adult. And it wasn’t until I learned the importance of 1% responsibility, which is what we talk about Grief Recovery, taking 1% responsibility, where it really clicked for me. And this is why I think so many adults who were victimized as children or grew up in the victim mindset, environment, into adulthood have such a difficult time with forgiveness. And I think that is a lot of the reason why forgiveness is so hard because even in the worst of circumstances, let’s say child abuse, it is possible to forgive. And not saying as a child who was abused that you have any ownership in what happened, but you always have ownership and responsibility for how you feel, and how you respond to others. And so that was a long process for me, not a long process because Grief Recovery is a time based, you can start it and know that you’re not going to be, going on a therapist couch for six months or a year. So I was able to quickly learn how to forgive and that was very transformative for me. Can you see through that example of being cut off in traffic or any other daily life example you can think of where you felt wronged, or where you believe someone else made you feel a certain way is dangerous for children, it really sets them up to believe the idea that they are responsible for the feelings of others, which automatically sets them up to believe that others can be responsible for their feelings. So where’s the ownership in all of that? So what do you do instead? Well, you learn how to communicate more accurately about emotions, which your children will then copy and learn. So in simplest terms, comments like you really make me angry need to be restructured. That statement makes the other person responsible for how you feel where it is more accurate to say, I am angry.
Identify Your Own Emotions
This can be one of the most powerful life lessons you teach your children, you must become aware of your use of the idea of others causing you to feel and as you change your language your children will change too, when we learn how to restructure how we feel into ‘I’ statements, we are first identifying our own emotions. But then we’re also taking there’s a sense of responsibility, in that when we say I am angry, and it’s more honest, it’s more authentic as well. And it serves us when it comes to grief. Most of us have been taught not to dwell on the past, to let bygones be bygones and to remember that what’s done is done. And in the wind children grieve book, it states that all of that well meaning advice is dangerous, because the human mind and heart operate in very specific ways. One of the things that happens naturally is that our brain reviews a relationship and discovers everything that it thinks could have ended differently, better or more. It is our nature to do this. And we’re much better advised to follow our nature than to fight it. The only thing we need to add is what to do with the discoveries after they have been made. And Through Grief Recovery. That’s where you learn how to do this. That’s what I learned. When I went through the process myself, I was able to discover and complete the thoughts and feelings that I had for all of the relationships that I’ve worked on Through Grief Recovery, because once you learn it, you have it for life. But you have to learn that misinformation first, such as taking the responsibility for your feelings for your emotions. And in Grief Recovery. Part of the foundation of the grief education is talking about the six myths, which I didn’t even mentioned. But grieving alone is a big one is often children are told to not be cry babies or things like that. And what happens then is when the adults who have experienced a loss, do not openly communicate how they’re feeling, children learn to hide their feelings as well. And so this is why the cycle repeats itself.
Better to Grieve as a Family
Personally, I’ve heard people say that, for example, someone had their parent die and their daughter really had a close relationship with the grandfather. But the daughter of the grandfather did not want the daughter to talk about her grandpa because it made her upset. And so the child essentially couldn’t even share happy memories of her grandfather because it would make her mother upset. So then she internalized that ‘I am making my mom upset’, right? And so it’s affirming just what I’ve said previously about how a child is taken responsibility for how the mother feels. But this is something that’s passed on to our kids. As parents we do this ourselves we do this teachers, mentors, coaches, Faculty of schools, or what have you. We do this to children because we don’t know any better because we don’t understand grief ourselves as adults. We haven’t processed our own grief. And I say this as someone who used to be that parent that passed on those lessons to my kids, I did the very same things that I’m talking about. And so this is information that sets up our children for the rest of their lives. And it’s why I’m so passionate too about the Grief Recovery method, the helping children with loss program. I can offer that program online in groups, but helping children with loss is prevention. But I also believe that the Grief Recovery method for parents to go through that is also prevention, because it breaks the cycle. And it breaks those patterns that are passed down generation to generation undelivered emotional communications are about the things we wish we had said or did, or about things we wish had not said or done. And they’re also about the things we wish the other person had said or done, or had not said or done. And so children are highly sensitive to the sorts of things that fall into those categories. It is our job as parents and caretakers and caregivers to help children discover undelivered emotional communications. But it’s equally imperative that as the adults, we understand our own, as well, because if we as a family suffer a great loss, wouldn’t it be better if you could grieve together as a family than each person isolating themselves or the children feeling like they can’t talk about it, because it’ll make someone else upset.
Take Ownership of Our Emotions
This is why understanding grief and caring to know about it is so important future generations hinge on this information, we can continue to have adults walking around like victims, or we can become adults, who are emotionally intelligent, who have learned how to process our emotions, how to healthily share our emotions, and to take ownership of them too and through Grief Recovery, learn the action steps so that when a loss does occur, we can let go of the pain, but hold on to the memories. And that’s what Grief Recovery does. And that’s what helping children with loss does it gives the parents and the caregivers and the caretakers, the tools to help children understand and acknowledge their undelivered communications. And there’s no better gift than that. Because I had someone who could have helped me navigate all of my emotions, and my pain and my trauma, and all of that, I don’t think my life would have, well, probably wouldn’t have turned out the way did, but I wouldn’t have suffered for as long as I did. And I think there are many adults walking around who felt just like I did, lost, alone, and fearful. I think we disconnect from ourselves, especially with trauma, but also that can happen with devastating loss and shut down a part of ourselves. And it really becomes an excavation and discovery process to find our selves again, I think there’s so much more I could say on this. Actually, I’ll add this. So I’ve been pondering lately too, how much personality plays a role in how we grieve. And I personally, I’m an INFP, if you’re familiar with Myers Briggs, and, and I’ll actually put the quiz for that link in the show notes. But I’m also a Pisces. And so it feels like a double whammy. But I’ve also had trauma in many losses throughout my life. And so growing up as a highly sensitive child, and experiencing the losses and trauma that I did, the world felt very heavy to me. And I truly felt like I was on a foreign planet or something, I often felt like I didn’t fit in, I didn’t know where I fit in, I felt awkward, you know, and I felt very different than other kids did, I think. I genuinely didn’t know how to be happy. I didn’t have a lot of happiness surrounding me. And so I’ve just been pondering on that lately about being a highly sensitive person, an empathic person that tends to take in other people’s energy and being very sensitive to other people’s energy. And so that’s what I want to highlight too, is being given these messages of, you know, let’s say I made my mom angry on top of feeling and taking in that energy of me making my mom angry. For example, boy, you just never feel like you’re ever good enough. You grew up feeling you’re just not good enough that nothing you can say or do is ever good enough very sensitive to criticism. I think, as highly sensitive children in absorbing other people’s emotions and feelings and taking responsibility for other people’s emotions and feelings, and then having loss on top of loss added on really, truly it is a wonder that I’m sitting here and talking to you through this podcast, to be honest, it’s shaped me for this work that I do today. I wouldn’t change it, I guess. But I have wondered what my life would have been like had my mother had these tools at her disposal. Thank you for tuning in today and remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
P.S And I used to be very sensitive to criticism. I just think there’s a lot to that. And so if you’re a highly sensitive or empathic, adult today, I’d be curious to hear from you. If you’ve experienced grief, not if, but when, because we all experienced a loss of some kind, what your experience was being a highly sensitive child or empathic person who’s experienced also a grief loss or trauma, please reach out to me, I would love to know what your experience was, not that again, one loss is worse than another or because I’m a highly sensitive person, or I’m empathic that my grief hurts more than someone who’s not considered themselves highly sensitive. I just think there’s something to it, that it really feels like this dark pit. Well, I guess grief feels like that, doesn’t it? Regardless, I guess I can only speak from my experience in that it just felt really heavy life just felt really heavy. And I can tell you, when I went through Grief Recovery, it felt like a mountain had been taken off my shoulders. And so if there’s anything that you do today, as a parent, or caregiver or caretaker or guardian, please go to Amazon and pick up the book when children grieve. It’s for adults to help children deal with death, divorce, pet loss, moving and any other loss, and I will put the link in the show notes for that. If you want to reach out or listen to more episodes like this you can visit my website theunleashedheart.com or if you want to be connected with me you can visit me on social media like Facebook or Instagram.