Bury and Replace: this is what we do when we grieve. We bury our feelings to protect those of others, to avoid our own, and make attempts to replace the loss (usually) not in the best of ways.
Why You Bury Your Grief
While grieving, you’ve probably been told not to feel so bad; things could be worse and look at the bright side, etc.. Although others may have good intentions, this is only more damaging to an already broken heart. So, rather than feeling as though you can openly share your grief, you instead bury it. You pretend – for the sake of others. And on top of it, you then apologize for your sorrow and for getting emotional – often at the most inconvenient times like in the dairy section of the grocery store.
As time goes on, after burying it and stuffing it down, you decide it’s becoming too much, and you look to replace it. Or, maybe you’re quick to choose to replace what you’ve lost in the hopes that the sadness you can’t openly share, can be replaced with joy (that which society approves is shared). However, since you’ve been working hard to bury your grief, what you begin to experience is a temporary joy.
From personal experience, I can tell you that, in our human conditioned way, we avoid pain at all costs. And, there is no other situation where that is more prevalent than when it comes to unresolved grief. We replace grief with people and vices because it’s the joy-for-a-moment we’re chasing in the moment. When, in actuality, it’s short-term joy we get in exchange.
We sell out our future happiness because we fail to see that the baggage we picked up in grief, will follow us into every future relationship and experience that comes into our lives.
A Couple Suggestions
You can’t expect that every person in your life will be able to sit with you in your grief. Do yourself a favor and don’t hold on to that false hope. Instead, look to one or two people who you know will be a listening ear, without the need to do anything about it. If you don’t have that person in your life, I encourage you to seek support elsewhere – perhaps others who’ve shared a similar experience.
Before you look to bury and replace your grief, ask yourself the following: Have I fully resolved my grief? Am I replacing to avoidwhy
P.S. Did you like this post or know someone who could benefit from reading? I invite you to share it. Likewise, I share little nudges like this in my weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters, that you won’t read anywhere else. Or, if you’re wanting to move forward in life, regardless if you’ve experienced grief, I offer a FREE exercise you can do to figure out your Core Needs & Essential Values. Knowing these eight words will be the litmus test for every decision you need to make moving forward.
The storm of grief may be brief, but mourning goes on for months and seasons. We mourn what was, what is, and what will never again be the same .
Are you navigating a grief storm right now?
When people think of grief or mourning, they often think there has to be the loss of a loved one.
I, on the other hand, believe we mourn and grieve in all sorts of ways throughout our lives.
We mourn a torn relationship with a child or parent, a life we feel we were cheated of experiencing, and personally, I’ve mourned a rekindled relationship that came about when it was too late and terminal illness took that person away. Similarly, we may mourn trust we felt was unbreakable, only for it to fall apart and shake our very foundation of trust in others forever.
Are you mourning a loss like these?
No matter what we are mourning, after some time we begin to ask ourselves if the mourning will ever end. It’s difficult to wrap our minds around the fact that what was will never be again. And the first step in healing is, I believe, acceptance.
Once we accept what is, only then can we start to process, in our minds, a different future. Even then, acceptance of a different state of being may bring rise to another wave of mourning.
Grief is cyclic; manifesting itself as problems in various areas of our lives and continually, will show up until it is addressed. And in my experience, you don’t stay in one stage, then move on to the next like it’s some sort of corporate ladder. Rather, you move through grief as you walk through life – repeating over and over and over with each problem that comes up; even more so, I believe, the younger you are when you experience grief because, as a child, it’s more difficult to process these things (especially without guidance, support, or better yet – therapy).
So, how do you move past grief?
You don’t. Instead, you accept that it will be with you forever – like a scar that never leaves. But, there is hope that you can learn to live with it and this can only happen with focused time, self-compassion, healthy boundaries, and intentional action to protect and nurture your mindset. The way you loosen grief’s grip is by understanding that when the waves of mourning wash over you all over again, you remind yourself that you’re a grief survivor.
And then you act like it (and take action against it) – over and over and over again.
Release your inner-light and let it shine for all the world to see.
I never imagined…
If someone would have told me in 2014 all that I would do in the next four years, I wouldn’t have believed it. Quit a full-time photography gig, start a blog, start two new jobs, quit said two jobs for a new one, write a book, start a side hustle, quit said side hustle for another (new) side hustle.
It has been quite a ride and yet all a blur, too.
Launch. Move forward. Progress. Start. New Beginning. Words I’ve come to know well in the last four years. You can learn so much in the trying – of anything really.
The only failure in life is the failure to never launch anything — to never try.
Today, I launched this thing that I didn’t plan to create. I didn’t set out to start this website, the name, offering, none of it — until an inspired thought struck someone else and that someone else shared it with me.
This launch is the by-product of lots of inspired thoughts between me and a copywriter. A collaboration of ideas, the melding of experiences and stories, delivered in a way I hadn’t before conceived.
Sometimes, the world around us has a way of paving the way for us. Being open to receive what comes, allowing even the not so great bits pass through us along the way, too – creates space.
I like to think of this experience as walking through a beautiful garden. So much beauty fills my senses; I’m overwhelmed with distraction. Along the way, there’s a gate. But I can’t see beyond the gate; it’s completed shrouded in moss and over-growth. All the same, I open it – curious what’s on the other side.
As I feel the anticipation and excitement fill my bones, I think back to my childhood when the simplest of pleasures created the most delight. I’m feeling like a kid again.
Curiosity led me there, but openness carried me through. And, on the other side, there’s all kinds of possibilities – so much possibility. Open lands as far as the eyes can see. I see everything, and yet – see nothing. It’s vast and unknown.
All the same- here we are, brave one.
P.S. If you are ready to face your grief and loosen its grip, for a limited time, my signature offering is on sale! Through next Tuesday (1/15/19), Living Unleashed™ monthly subscription is $11 and Living Unleashed™ 12 Month purchase is $99. No code needed and you start receiving your content immediately!
You know that old saying, “what doesn’t kill you – makes you stronger?” I think when it comes to grief and really, any difficult challenge in life, that’s very true.
Every emotional/physical/mental pain is a “dip in the fire.”
I’m not trying to compare the monumental weight grief places on the heart with the perceived physical/mental pain of going through military boot camp, but something a drill instructor once told a soldier about to quit – struck me. He explained that the point wasn’t to beat someone down and went on to explain how a sword is made. A sword is dipped in the fire, taken out and pounded on and this is repeated many times until it’s formed and sharp. It was the perfect analogy to the premise of military training.
In boot camp, they beat you down, yell at you, make you feel small until slowly but surely, you realize all pain is temporary and this personal growth metamorphosis occurs. Only if you’re willing to stick it out long enough just to see how capable you really are. This brings to mind how different this country would/could be if everyone (who were physically capable) had to serve their country and go through such training. I simply cannot imagine – if everyone truly knew what they were capable of. It would raise the bar in the entire country ten-fold, I think. Anyway….just a side thought.
I just found that analogy so beautiful because it truly applies to all struggle in life. Every emotional pain, challenge, hardship, etc…is a dip in the fire or a pounding of a stone that’s shaping you.
The tragedy is, is that you simply can’t see that when you allow your mind to take you to the depths of pain and despair and you remain there.
What My Grief Taught Me
It never goes away but it does get easier. That whole “time heals all wounds” is bullshit. You’ll wear it for the rest of your life like a battle-scar. Things will trigger you and floodgates will open. Don’t run from it. Feel it and let it pass and know, without a doubt, you will be reminded again.
The experience will change you. No denying that. But you do get to choose how.
It will make you hard (and angry) for a while….maybe even for a decade or nearly two, as was my case. You’ll stuff it down. You will try your damnedest to forget. Eventually, something or maybe a multitude of things will trigger you. If you’ve never dealt with the pain, it will get ugly for you for you a while. The important thing is – is to feel it for a time. Spend some time in your misery. You have to in order to let it go. I honestly don’t see any way around it. We are taught to run away from pain – to avoid it at all cost. Preoccupy ourselves, procrastinate, and live life on auto-pilot. Trust me, you’ll never feel free until you feel it in order to let it go.
Letting go isn’t forgetting. It’s easy to feel “survivor’s guilt.” It’s easy to feel an enormous amount of pressure to make something of your life, depending on the circumstances of your loss. In order to give the loss meaning in your life – you have to let the negative feeling attached to it – go. Honestly, I did not reach this point until maybe just a few years ago. It’s a process you continually have to work on until you reach a point where you feel that the experience lead you to somewhere. For me, it’s been a book I am writing. For you, maybe it’s a new-found spirituality or some other form of giving back in some way.
There is a silver lining. Believe it or not, there is. I firmly believe, with my whole heart, there are lessons that can be gleaned from every struggle. As you work through all the stages of grief, you will discover those lessons (and the silver lining) – eventually. I would not be the person I am today, having not gone through grief at such a young age. That experience shaped and molded me into the adult I became. I have to be grateful for that or I would still be stuck in my life.
Every person who experiences grief (and we all do at some point in our lifetime) experiences it differently and in their own time. I wanted to share these words – giving hope that grief doesn’t have to rob you of the rest of your life.
We are not human beings having a spiritual experince; we are spiritual beings having a human experience. – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Every human experience, like a snowflake and each of us, is unique. However, the common threads weaved through every soul are the capacity to love, the need to be loved, and the gift of free will. How beautiful is that, when you really think about it?
You’re never alone. And likely, there’s someone to your right or to your left that needs you to pull through.
Are you in the trenches of grief as you read these words? Did you find this helpful? If so, I’d love to hear your story.
Know someone who is experiencing grief and think these words could be of service? Be loving and share it.
Here are some tips for minding your words – wisely.
What To Say and What Not to Say to Someone Grieving:
The Best Things To Say To Someone In Grief
I am here for you – whatever you may need.
I wish I had the right words. Just know I care.
You and your loved one are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am just a phone call away.
I am usually up early (or late) if you ever need anything.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
My favorite memory of your loved one is…
Give a hug. Sometimes, words aren’t needed.
Say nothing. Just be there with the person.
The Worst Things To Say To Someone In Grief
He is in a better place.
Everything happens for a reason.
At least she lived a long life – when many die so young.
Aren’t you over him yet? He’s been gone for a while now.
He was such a good person, God wanted him to be with him.
It was her time.
Be strong.
She brought this on herself.
You can still have another child.
I know how you feel.
Some of the “what not to say” phrases seem pretty cold-hearted if you think about. At the time, however, they may seem to be innocent words. Oftentimes, you just don’t know what to say or how to say it.
When confronted with a situation in which someone is experiencing grief during this Christmas and you find yourself saying to yourself, “I just don’t know what to say or how to say it, refer to the “what to say” list as your guide or simply just give the person a hug.
Don’t be the person that says, “I know how you feel” and suddenly the conversation is all about you and your loss that happened 5, 15, or 20 years ago. That is the last thing a person in the midst of grieving wants to listen to. Honestly, think from a place of compassion and love and you can’t go wrong.
If you really think about it, the person in the midst of grieving would probably prefer to be curled up in their bed with a box of tissues and the shades closed. If they don’t and are the type who feel it’s therapeutic to be around people and prefer it, I can guarantee the last thing they want to do is help you feel better. They, themselves, are hanging on by a thread. Don’t add unnecessary pressure for them to find their words – for you.
I hope you have found this post helpful. We all experience grief at some point in our lives and grieve differently as well. Some choose to run for the hills when confronted with it, while others are drawn to it, as I am (more on that in another post).
Did this post resonate with you? Did you find this helpful, whether you yourself have experienced loss or know someone who has? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments or feel free to email me. I read each and every one.
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