Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | Leaning Into Trust While Having a Broken Heart
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
When you’re pulled between the feelings of what you wish would be different, better, or more, and faced with a moment where a decision has to be made, it can be challenging to cut through all of the emotion and lean into trust.
In this week’s Takeaways & Reflections episode, I use Kasey and Michelle’s stories to illustrate the challenges we can have with trust, not only in our own inner guidance but also that there potentially is something better waiting for us on the other side of leaning into trust.
Could you use a little more trust, and maybe surrendering, in your life? I hope you go back and listen to Kasey and Michelle’s inspiring stories of trusting themselves; what they know to be right and true in the present moment, because that’s all we’re all really guaranteed, anyway.
RESOURCES:
______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
💛 Would you like to Learn Your Energy Type? Free Quiz ➡️ HERE! ⬅️
SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Grieving Voices Second Anniversary & Milestone Celebration 10,000 Downloads
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. You may have noticed that there were two episodes rather than the one followed by a takeaways and reflections episode. Before I get into this week’s episode, however, I want to share why that is. I’m excited to share that I’ve reached two milestones with grieving voices. First, I reached 10,000 downloads. And there may be people listening who are familiar with the analytics of podcasts, so this may not sound very awesome considering there are many podcasts that reached 10,000 downloads within the first six months of their podcast existence. However, some factors influence the downloads, including the host’s audience size before the podcast was started, marketing tactics, and of course, the topic had a slow and steady organic growth of grieving voices. And I secretly hoped to hit 10,000. Before the podcast’s second anniversary, grieving voices celebrated two years of consistent weekly content to initiate a different kind of conversation about grief, where society begins to talk about grief. Like we talk about the weather. Reaching these milestones is the reason for shifting the episodes.
And I wanted to have the second-anniversary episode, and the last one of season two be a takeaways and reflections episode. So here we are. Thank you to you, the listener for sticking with me the past two years, or for sticking around if you’ve only recently discovered this podcast. I appreciate every share podcast review or comment that hits my inbox sharing how the podcast has helped or that the guest story resonated. From day one, this podcast has been a labor of love. I do hope and plan to monetize this fourth child of mine because it really is a fourth child. Because anyone who podcast knows that it’s not only an investment of time and resources but also money. I believe this is why so many podcasts don’t make it much beyond the one-year mark. Next week, season three will begin with an episode where my guest Elizabeth shares her experience of delivering a child stillborn and eight months later becoming a military spouse widow. If you don’t want to miss that episode, and more incredible stories of grief and triumph coming ahead, subscribe to get notified of new episodes every Tuesday morning.
A Tear-Jerker Episode with Kasey Carmona
Now, on to this week’s episode, Episode 104 with Kasey Carmona was a tear-jerker. I was crying while hearing her story and cried again while editing. I don’t heavily edit my episodes, it’s always a priority that the guest story is honored in its entirety. And Kasey shared deeply touched me. I am a mother of three teenagers. And any mother can tell you that you just hope and pray that you see your children to adulthood and that they outlive you too. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. With spouse loss you’re called a widow or widower it’s just not natural to bury a child. And the other thing that doesn’t follow an order is grief. Grief isn’t linear. Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s son Ken Ross and I discussed his mother’s work regarding the five stages of grief and an episode I’ll link to in the show notes.
Ripples of Losses with Michelle’s Episode
But as my friend Michelle shared in last week’s episode that COVID was the domino that fell that led to ripples of other losses. Her grandfather died during COVID And at that time, Australia was under strict restrictions, regardless of the fact that they had zero cases. Due to these restrictions, the way her family could grieve was deeply impacted. They couldn’t come together for a ceremony and celebration of life or at the burial. her grandfather’s death aside the dream Michelle had been diligently working toward was great getting derailed restrictions and all of the unknowns that Michelle and the rest of the world were forced to confront, had many having to choose to pivot give up or give in. And for many people, COVID is still causing this in so many people’s lives. We never know the moment when something doesn’t work out that something better is around the corner. We’ve all had to build our patient’s muscles throughout COVID. And Casey two had to learn patience. Furthermore, she had to learn how to trust not only those in charge of her beautiful precious son’s care but also trust in her instincts and intuition as his mother.
How many of you listening to this right now can put yourself in the shoes of Kasey or Michelle had to reconcile in her heart, what she knows the best for her son, and fight with what she wished would have been different, better, or more. She and her husband chose to take their son home, knowing they were taking him home to die, only to find that that is when he lived and they loved as a family altogether. In his final days of life, Michelle had to surrender to what she could not change and accept what she wished was different, better, or more. That was beyond her control. She only had control over how she responded to the circumstances. Michelle followed the inspired idea to make the most of the situation and show up anyway, for her grandfather. The safest way she knew how. And to her surprise, other family members follow their heart’s lead and showed up when she felt her dreams and goals were squashed. She embraced the time with her children and her husband, she pivoted using the time to devote to learning and giving back to her community. And deepening her understanding of all that she had been learning before COVID Hit COVID revealed a truth she and anyone couldn’t ignore we lose.
Trust & Control
Whenever we try to control everything. We create unnecessary suffering for ourselves and waste precious time and energy. We spin our wheels and we get nowhere. If we devoted our energy to trust rather than control, imagine how much more peace we would experience in our bodies. Say each word out loud. Trust, control. Even the word TRUST feels more comforting. There’s an ease and flow to it. We may even think of the word control, as in a control group in a scientific experiment where the group is separated from the rest. So the independent variable being tested cannot influence the results. However, we all know that when we attempt to control situations circumstances were others. The actions we take in an attempt to control always influence the environment and people around us. We are seemingly the mice within our own control experiments. And we fail the test miserably.
As you progress through your week, think about what aspects of your life you are attempting to control. I certainly have my moments where I struggle with trying to control situations, circumstances, or outcomes. However, I tend to struggle more with being in reaction mode. And that’s my clue. I’m not living with intention. There are three mantras I’ve been saying on my morning walks and feel free to steal these or tweak them. So they resonate for you. I am supported. I trust that everything happens for my highest good ease and flow are my way of being. I wish you days of leaning into trust packing away the fear and unknowns and leaning into the present moment with love. Love always trusts a reminder for you. And me too.
P.S I hope you tune in next week for Elizabeth’s episode and many more to come. Thank you to those who have been guests and we’ll be guests in the future. Thank you for celebrating my two-year anniversary and 10,000 downloads. I appreciate and love you so much.
Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Podcast, Spirituality |
Michelle Marsh | Flipping the Script on Loss During Covid
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In the grief recovery programs, one way we describe grief is that it is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. This description of grief, in this way, has not been better understood by society as a whole more than it has since 2020 with the onset of the Covid-19 pandemic.
As society begins to emerge from the darkness Covid brought to so many lives, we start to see ourselves and others in a new light. We have started to see the impact of the past two years on the psyche of millions, its global economic impact, and deeply feel the ripples in our individual lives.
In this week’s episode, my guest, Michelle Marsh of Western Australia and @aromanosis, shares the ripples Covid-19 created in her life. Burying a loved one is never easy. Burying a loved one during a pandemic, well, it can be downright traumatic, elevating the emotions of everyone involved and leaving a lasting imprint.
Additionally, and not often talked about, are the secondary losses during Covid-19 due to government mandates, which Michelle also experienced in regard to hopes and dreams she had before the pandemic.
Michelle shares a few lessons she’s learned from her Covid-19 experience. And, how she’s managed to get to the other side of the darkness that was Covid-19 (and still is creating ripples in some ways).
For a long time, I have shared the expression “Covid Ruins Everything.” Well, one thing I believe it hasn’t ruined and perhaps has maybe strengthened, is the human spirit in the lives of millions.
May we all carry the lessons we’ve individually learned from Covid-19 into our future selves and be better for it.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE or click HERE for mental health resources.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
💛 Would you like to Learn Your Energy Type? Free Quiz ➡️ HERE! ⬅️
SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk 0:00
Hi this is Victoria of theunleashedheart.com and you’re listening to grieving voices, a podcast for hurting hearts who desire to be heard. Or anyone who wants to learn how to better support loved ones experiencing loss. As a 30 plus year griever in advanced Grief Recovery methods specialist, I know how badly the conversation around grief needs to change. Through this podcast, I aim to educate grievers and non grievers like spread hope and inspire compassion towards those hurting. Lastly, by providing my heart with yours in this platform, grievers had the opportunity to share their wisdom and stories of loss and resiliency. How about we talk about grief, like we talked about the weather? Let’s get started. Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. I am your host Victoria Volk of The Unleashed Heart and today my guest is Michelle Marsh. She studied Reiki one and two as a teenager which began her journey into wellness. And after leaving school, she went into Registered Nursing where she learned the pros and cons of western medicine. After getting frustrated with the system, she left and began down a path of learning and natural health and hypnotherapy soon moving into coaching. Recently, Michelle has studied creative therapies and this year is delving deeper into alcohol herbalism and your Aveda. Now a mom of three and wife to a wonderful tolerant husband, Michelle describes herself as a highly sensitive person who loves to experience life to the fullest. In a nutshell, Michelle works with nature and creativity to help others grow and create change. Thank you so much for being my guest today. Michelle.
Michelle Marsh 1:52
Hello, thank you for having me.
Victoria Volk 1:55
We know each other to your friends for like two years. And this is the first time we’re actually recording. And I’ve been trying to pin you down for quite some time. But I think it’s perfect timing just given all of the change and transformation that I know you’ve gone through in the past two years. But more importantly, how that change has transpired probably in light in a lot of ways because of COVID. And so excited to see where this conversation goes today. But can you share a little bit about the Michelle before COVID and the impact that has had on your life in the Michelle after COVID? And just to clarify, she lives in Western Australia?
Michelle Marsh 2:42
Yes, it is. Although I think you’re the one with a funny accent. Okay, so Michelle. Oh, so that’s a doozy. Deezy Deezy question. Michelle, post COVID is much more accepting of the grayness of the future. So I think that’s probably the biggest change than the uncertainty of everything that’s kind of gone on here, has given me in the sense that before COVID, I really like to plan before COVID, I would always have a future vision of how everything is going to be. And with so many changes, and so much potential for change occurring. And there were you know, there’s been quite a few things in my life that I would I was doing that has been well felt like it was ripped beneath my feet. And all of a sudden, the trajectory I was on and my husband was on, career wise, family wise, all sorts of things disappeared. And in the past, when I’ve come across those kind of uncertain moments or you know, when big changes come into life as it does one of my biggest strategies for dealing with that would be to sit down and and replan and re visualize something into the future because knowing where you are going gives you a sense of purpose and hope. And so the last two years, particularly this this past year, it’s like, we don’t know what’s going to happen next and how well there’s a lot of freedom has been changed here, where I live and and so it’s like it was about six months ago, I had had a moment of going been so frustrated because I kept planning and it kept kind of falling apart. Just one little announcement and it would just crumble down again and this frustration and then wanting to plan but being afraid to Take the next step in a plan as well because of that, and I was sitting there and I was in a meditation and it was like, there was just this gray fog. And it’s like, well, I can’t just keep standing here where I’m at. Because you can’t do that for life. Like that’s, that’s the path we’re staying still to, to misery, right, we have to move forward. That’s where the growth is. But the fear of stepping into sight is the great unknown. So it’s, it’s not that I don’t dream and plan now. I do. But it’s with the knowledge that it can be. It can disappear at any moment. And I think now in hindsight, I look back. And I think how funny because it’s not like that was ever different. Life could always change on a dime, yet, your plans could always change. But I had a false sense of security, pre 2020. Whereas now, it’s like my eyes have been opened as to the true changeable nature of life. And, you know, it was terrifying at first. And in some days, it still is, and some days, I really feel the loss of that that certainty. On the other hand, what a gift because it’s kind of exciting, as well like to go the potential, you know, instead of knowing where you’re going, knowing the end of the story, it’s like a great book, where anything can happen. Like, yeah, hope that answers.
Victoria Volk 6:34
And I want to, I want to touch on that a little bit and go a little deeper on what you said, when you talked about the possibility because there I think there’s so many people that could think, like the negative, right, like, this isn’t going to work out. It’s like the worst possibility rates, so many people have that knee jerk reaction to think of the worst case scenario. Yeah. So what have you learned through the grief that this has brought you to? Because it is grief changing pattern patterns of behavior and your life and plans that gets swept from under you? What have you learned in how have you been able to reframe your positive goal of possibility instead of fear? Really?
Michelle Marsh 7:19
Yeah, that’s definitely been been grave. So saying that I’ve had in my head since I was a kid, I don’t know where it came from, is there’s always a way you just have to find it. And I’ve, I’ve always believed that, except for when I haven’t. Sometimes you forget, right. But it’s always kind of been there in the back of my mind. So one of the things that happened towards the end of last year in, in studying creative therapies at uni, is that I had a trajectory from going from this postgraduate diploma that I’m doing into the Masters, which would then take me into the system have been registered and been able to mingle with, you know, in the, in the medical world and things kind of in the system, I suppose. Because I, I fell in love with it. And I’m good at it. You know, they try to say that in the most non egotistical way, but you know, when you just go, oh, yeah, like, it all makes so much sense to me. And I find that quiet, it’s a lot of work but quite easy at the same time to understand. And so it was like, having this baby kind of gifted to me, and I was, I was just in love, and I was committed to it. And, and it was just such a beautiful gift. Because I had originally said, I’m going to do this, and I’m going to integrate it into like, my coaching and consulting that I do, what I learn, and, and then I had this whole new vision and pathway that I was going to go on. And then there was announcements at the end of last year that said that you have to be vaccinated to practice as as that kind of registered practitioner and we had chosen as a family not to go down that road health wise. And it was just dream shattered in a moment. And that really, it and I know I spoke to a lot about this at the time, you know, talk about a loss of hopes, dreams and expectations. I had such a strong vision of once I had that masters what I was going to do with it and it it felt so real. It felt so aligned and even talking about it now I can feel that emotion kind of coming up. And it was like, oh, what now and I did just throw my hands up and kind of say if you world and I don’t understand. And this felt so right, I felt so aligned, like, you know, my, the spiritual side of me was really well, the side of me trying to understand the spiritual side of me was very confused. Because I live my life like that I follow my intuition. That loss made me feel very lost in myself. And it made me question everything in the sense of, you know, I follow these, this path of of, like, following the whispers I call it the, you know, that intuitive following what feels good following what feels aligned, and here are here it was, I felt like the universe was just slapping me across the face and going, haha, just jokes, you know, give me the Give me Give me that beautiful baby back, take it away from night just took it straight back. And all the work that I’ve done and the sacrifices that I’ve made, you know, financially timewise to do that study, because, you know, it’s been a couple of years that I’ve been in, it really hurt, really, really hurt.
Michelle Marsh 11:14
And then at the same time been so aware of so many people in the world suffering so much more, you know, that there are there are bigger losses out there. And it could be so much worse, but then it felt like my heart was being tested that it’s such a funny thing, when you have a have a loss like that, because it’s what I was grieving was was never actually a reality in the first place. So going back to that, that same, there’s always a way, you just have to find that, you know, that was still in the back of my head. And gradually, I realized that what I have learned so far is still mine, I have not lost the last two years of study, it’s still in my mind that still integrated into how I work with people in the capacity that I work with people now. And then I found another way, then I said, I don’t need the approval of that organization over there, to to still study and learn what I love and to integrate it into what I offer into the world, nobody can stop me from offering my skills, I’m just not allowed to use certain words, you know, and it’s, there’s, there’s always a way, there’s always a way. And and it can be really hard and frustrating when you don’t have the support that you thought you were going to have on that journey. But then there’s, you know, six months on from that, so many gifts in that as well that have kind of come from that big shake up of that expectation. Now what I’m doing is so much more expansive, that it would never fit in that tiny little box of where I thought I was going. So I guess moving through it one foot in front of the other. With that mantra going through my mind, there’s always a way, I just need to keep moving forward, until I find that way, knowing that I’ll probably go this way and then that way and up and down and around in circles quite a few times before I feel like I’m sort of tracking forward maybe and that’s okay. That’s the other mantra in my mind. It’s okay. It’s all okay. Every emotion every, every wrong turn every, every every right. It’s all okay, it’s all perfect. So I suppose I have a much deeper trust and faith these days than I used to. Because I can’t plan.
Victoria Volk 13:59
Well, and again, like we’ve like so many of us get reminded it’s you can plan until you’re blue in the face, but not at all there’s an expression God will laugh at your plans anyway or something like yeah, as the last laugh. I just filled out a survey not that long ago or not a survey a questionnaire to be on a podcast and the question was something to the effect of when was a time in your life that you had failed? And you know, what, what did you learn from it? And like the old me, before I really started my journey of personal development, especially the last probably, like pre grade recovery me would have would have looked at that and and answered probably in the way of really looking down on myself. Right and really, I could have probably thought of things left and right to put in there. But my perspective of failure now. I don’t know if you I know from what I know of you I’m thinking you share the same thinking is that there is no failure. It’s all learning the perspective of how I look at failure like there, there is no failure. And I used to, you know, we are our worst critics, our own worst critics. And that used to be a really one of the things that brought me down the most, and my self confidence and, and my worth, and all of that. So I think it’s really important that we look at failure, and really dig deep into it. Of what how we want to reframe that. So how do you? What is your stick on failure these days?
Michelle Marsh 15:45
It’s a really good question, because it’s not something I really think about anymore. Because it’s kind of like you, I used to think about how many failures I’ve had. And just as you’re talking there, I’m like, Well, I guess what’s happened is I don’t see them as failures anymore. They seem as launchpads I see them as my biggest moments of, of growth. Because I’ve, I’ve had plenty of things which people could label us as failures if they wanted to. But if those things hadn’t occurred, I would not be the person I am right now. I would not feel the expansiveness and love and everything that I have hearing my heart so solidly these days, I wouldn’t have any of that. Because I wouldn’t have learned how to come come through. And so I suppose in the in the sense of how I saw things as failures in the past. Whereas now I don’t, I see them as growth opportunities now, which means I move through things a lot quicker. I think if like that example that I gave with my study, if that had happened, say three years ago, it probably would have taken me maybe a year, two years to get over it, you know, not over it, too. We don’t get over things, we integrate them. And we grow from them with without any kind of trauma or grief, or occurrence. And so I think it’s a reframe into a growth opportunity, instead of it being a failure. And the best thing we can do is to fail again, and again, and again and again. And I used to read books saying that, and I would think, yeah, because then you learn how to do it right, and you don’t fail anymore. You know, those Harar kind of books, like, you know, learn how to do it wrong. So then you know how to do it, right? It’s such a load of crap, get comfortable with it, and know that it’s an opportunity. And yes, it’s an opportunity that hurts like hell, and I can’t ever see myself seeking that out and saying, Oh, I hope this is one of those moments of
Victoria Volk 17:55
Great, right, we don’t ask for it.
Michelle Marsh 17:58
Every endeavor every step of the way, I’m hoping that things go smoothly and well, and that it feels so flow when you know all the rest of it, that when ultimately the pain does come along, it’s that knowledge in the back of your mind that that you can get through it. And it’s the previous failures or growth opportunities. And having come through those and then being able to see those in hindsight. That gives you the courage to know that no matter what happens into the future, and I suppose this is where getting comfortable with that greatness in front of in front of me has come from no matter what’s thrown at me, I will find a way through it, I’ll find a way to integrate that I’ll find a way to find meaning in it, which I think is is a big part of, you know, coming through trauma coming through grief is, is having some sort of meaning attached to it, not to dispel the pain. Because it’s so important, I think to to honor that and integrate it, but that the meaning gives us a sense of purpose and understanding of why we experience it in the first place, which to me is then that Launchpad into the growth in our future and into better experience.
Victoria Volk 19:22
I know because we’re friends that you experienced a loss during that transition of trying to understand that what you wanted to the stream that you were hoping to build and launch wasn’t going to happen, at least for the time being, but you did have a loss of someone you loved during that time as well. And
Michelle Marsh 19:42
Yeah, so that was my my grandfather and it happened quite quickly and suddenly, I mean, he was gosh, I should know this. I think he was 96 but he was still living alone and looking after himself. And you know, I’ve completed sound mind and he had a fall and within weeks he he had died. And in that time, we thought he was going home as well, because he, he was healing and then all of a sudden he crashed the night before of the funeral. There was there was an announcement we had really strict borders in, in Western Australia. And we hadn’t had COVID in in our state. And so they, there was one case that that came through. And so they locked everything down based on one case who was in isolation, and they’d identified everybody that had been in contact, which was nothing to do with me or my family or anything near near us. But they locked down everything and said that, so like lots of rules changed. One of them been at funerals, that you can only have 10 people attend, and mums, one to five children. So with partners, you know, she could attend with her her brothers, but none of us cousins and you know, there’s a there’s a big bunch of us cousins, and we’re a very, very close family. It was a grieving of not just the loss of my grandfather, but but from the head of the family. We lost my Nan, you know, 20 odd years ago. So it was this this fear then of is our family still going to come together? Or is it like all of it changed every dynamic of what had been a really solid foundation for all of us in, in that family. I remember, I was already grieving all of that. And then to have here this announcement that I can’t go to the funeral, yet the football was still going ahead was so discombobulated like the grief then that came up from that, and so that night, like and they said, Oh, you know, we’ll live stream and like, okay, okay. But it was kind of like a bit. But it was so hard to really comprehend the feelings that that were going on inside. And I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about how important funerals were. And so in the end, we made a decision, I think I was lying in bed awake at it, I couldn’t sleep, and just so much fire so much anger towards this politician made this decision that made no sense to me, no sense, you know, the rest of the world by then was kind of getting on with things and, and will freaking out a by one case, you know, and yeah, I just hit me, I’m like, No, I’m getting up and getting dressed. Because all of that process of getting dressed to go to the funeral, there’s like ritual in it. And and, and the kids are having the day of school, and they are getting dressed too. And so is my husband, and I’m taking my laptop. And we’re going to drive wasn’t strictly allowed, but we did it. We’re going to drive, we’re going to sit outside on the road in our car, of where I know, they are. So I can see the hearse drive in. So I can I can watch it on on the computer and as close as I can to that.
MIchelle Marsh 23:35
And it ended up being this beautiful on one hand, and then still so much anger and grief on the other side to have not been in the chapel because we turned up there. And I’ve spoken to my three siblings, and they decided they would do the same. So we were turning up but none of us has spoken to our cousins, because we’re a little like, you know, bit worried about what each other would think about breaking the rules to that extent, but we’re like, we’re safe. We’re in our cars where you know, because we weren’t supposed to say anyways, we get there. And the majority of my cousins had decided to do the same thing. And it was so incredible. Watching all of these cars line up on the side of the road with the same idea. They’d all had the same inspiration when I spoke to them later, you know, they’d had the same kind of thing where they’d stayed up all night I couldn’t sleep and angry and then you know, they got this idea to come and I so feel like my granddad went to each of us and gave us that inspiration. And so that was really beautiful. And it was a real kind of connecting moment. But then on the other hand, yeah, it was that there was so much anger because I felt like I’d been told I can’t grieve how I want to grieve and and I realized how important it is. is, you know, after a funeral, when a family comes together for the weight and the telling of those stories and the hugs and the the weird feeling of it all that you don’t have, you know, the grandfather there who’s who’s always been, like, the reason why we get it not the reason but you know that it’s, we get around. And so we didn’t have that. And, and there was a, we were kind of like, Oh yeah, well, once the lockdowns over we’ll, we’ll have awake and all the rest of it. But there was just this fizzling off. And then no one could kind of rally themselves to kind of come together and do that. And I still feel the desire for it. But when I spoke to the rest of my family, they’ve moved past it. So it was so yeah. Yeah, no, I still kind of can’t put a lot of words to it all and explain it because it was, as I was saying to you, before, we jumped on to record this anger on one side, which really made me want to jump into action and be vocal on what was going on over here and all the rest of it. And then the grief, which just felt like, cold, still depression. I can’t move. I give up. What’s the point? You know, and then then what’s the point was tied in with with the grief of what was going on with my grandfather, and then with the grief of everything that I was seeing kind of occurring around me and how much people were getting suppressed? And yeah, it just really made me flake. But then the anger. Good. I’m out in rage every now and then. Such an interesting, interesting process yeah.
Victoria Volk 27:04
Very much a roller coaster. And feeling the weight to have what you see. Right happening with people, you know, and love. It’s not just what’s happening with you. But, you know, friends who maybe lost their jobs because of their points of view, or yeah, you know, situations like that of losing loved ones. Due to but maybe not even getting to see them. Yeah, for they passed away.
Michelle Marsh 27:35
Yeah. Yeah. Dad’s not been able to be with their wives while they’re giving birth. Again, because of a Health Choice. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that’s a carry on at the moment, which is just ludicrous. Yeah, so there’s a lot of pain and grief that you hold for other people with that with. And I think when there’s a when you feel because again, this comes down to personal point of view. But when you feel like people are experiencing grief or additional grief, for no reason, or it seems pointless, because there’s a rule. It’s, it’s really hard to kind of integrate that. You know, it’s different when someone gets hit by a car, and you go through that grieving process and everything, but it’s, it’s almost like the cars been driven purposely or that person has been told to stand on the road or something. And it’s just like, it’s so frustrating. There’s this desire to scream, but you’ve got to let go of it all. Because you have no choice but to yourself, or the world, or your, your own family. And I think after holding that frustration, and for other people, for myself, for the world as a whole, I was crunching in on myself and I am a hermit anyways, but not in a good way. I lost all motivation to to share any any of the messages that I have. And I was I was really struggling with that. And, and I was snapping at my children and my husband and I even though we’re on the same page, we’re starting to get narky at each other. And it’s because it’s the frustration of what’s happening out here that is out of your control, and you’re seeing all these people in pain and you know, I’m that person that my friends call to tell me when they know Yeah, my husband’s just lost their job or and I’ve got a friend and they’ve got an amazing electrical business that and I know how hard her husband’s worked to build that up and employees and things like that. And then these are these crazy rules come in that don’t make sense. And and and then like, how do we navigate this and you know, that feeling that terror of your heart. And it’s, what ends up happening is that your suffering, and your children are suffering because of it, because you’re taking it all in. And it’s because the lack of feeling of control. So at some point, it was like, How do I not dissociate from this? Because that’s not healthy? How do I keep my eyes open and aware to the truth and be okay.
Victoria Volk 30:32
And as a highly sensitive person, and that’s kind of what I’m getting at to conversation, being a highly sensitive person. So what would you suggest to people who may be feeling that way, whether they’re identify as a highly sensitive person or not
Unknown Speaker 30:49
Think this is where your self care behaviors are so important. So as you know, I have been practicing Kundalini, religiously, every every day Kundalini yoga, for over a year now. So those kinds of practices and journaling and meditation, reading a book, all of those things, well, I suppose let me categorize it. So there’s some self care behaviors, like yoga, meditation, that are like muscle strengthening, emotional resilience strengthening, so they do help you to release and let go and integrate different things. But one of the really big things about them is that they are, they are building a strength a core like inside like this. And, and it’s so that when everything is swirling around in a storm around you, you can you can feel your center, still, instead of just been swept around in the storm. So those things, I think it’s really important to have a practice. And that’s hard to do, especially when you’re not feeling great. But that’s where self discipline comes in. And that’s having self integrity, and thinking you’re worth that time and that effort. And children and your family. Yeah. Sorry.
Michelle Marsh 31:07
Can I ask you a follow up question to that? Before I forget, because I think it’s really important, I actually want your thoughts on this. So just it’s come up recently in conversation. So like you can be you can have a yoga practice, let’s say you have a daily yoga practice, and Kundalini, whatever it is, and it’s a practice of being with your body, like being present with your body in your body, feeling safe and supported in your body, right? But what if it’s not, you’re not really with your feelings? Because there’s a difference in with your body. But if you’re not in or with your feelings, is it in a way, a form of spiritual, spiritual bypassing? Or could you be thinking that you’re addressing your grief or your emotions with this practice, but yet, it almost becomes a STERB. Like in grief, we call it a Short-term Energy Relieving Rehaviors.
Unknown Speaker 33:20
It can be a step. Yeah. Yes, this language through so you know what? Yeah. But that Yeah. Yeah.
Victoria Volk 33:28
What do you say to that? Like, yeah, you can have a yoga practice, but it’d be within your body, but how do you sit, be in with your feelings at the same time?
Michelle Marsh 33:39
So I would say that if you’re truly with your body, you can’t not be with your feelings. At the same time, I would say, when it say a sturb. So, you know, people often use that a physical movement as in that way to bypass things and to use it as a healthier band aid than alcohol, but it’s still a band aid, right? And yes, it’s it’s spiritual bypassing, but you’re not when you’re fully embodied. The mind and body are one, your feelings and emotions. It’s all it’s all one thing. So if you’re truly, actually been embodied, and if you’re truly doing the practice of yoga, you will feel it. And I mean, this is this is why, you know, so often, like if I’m consulting with somebody, and they’re having difficulty getting in touch with their emotions and feelings, just just from talk, because it really works well that way. It’s okay, let’s move your body because there’s usually somewhere I can see in them that they’re holding on I’m like, Okay, let’s see what’s there. And once they start to move it, the emotion starts to come up. And so this is what’s supposed to be occurring within within yoga or any of these movement. practices. But there are ways like you say, where you can move your body, and even use the breath and use the mind to completely compartmentalize. And and you know, that’s it’s an incredibly clever thing to do. But humans are clever and and I’d say most people have the skill to actually do this. It’s almost like it gets boxed up and put somewhere, right. But if you’re actually doing the practice properly, and I think this is where intention comes into it, and you are to the best of your ability, because, you know, when we meditate, we all go off and think about dinner and all the rest of it, but you just keep bringing yourself back, you keep bringing yourself back, you keep saying, If I feel something, I will feel it. I give myself permission I although these things are really important, there is no use going through some yoga said, or, or even meditation, you know, in kundalini, we do a lot of chanting and things like that, you can get lost in them. And there is a certain sense of peace and goodness to that as well. But the attention should always be in the present moment. It’s not about escaping, it’s about coming in and feeling and saying, I will feel I will feel this pain, I will feel the light, you know that that means a physical pain and an emotional pain. So I think it comes down to intention as to the difference between both because yeah, know what you mean. And I know, we’ve had conversations about it before in the spiritual bypassing, and I’ve been extremely frustrated in the past, because some of the most what I would have in the past called the most spiritual people I know, like highly psychic people, and mediums and things like that, that I I have known personally, have screwed up what I would personally call personal life and relationships. And I’m like, How does this occur? And it’s because they’re actually not embodied. It’s because they are trying to live in this spiritual world, as an escape, just like drinking can be just like, exercise can be just like, six can be eating anything. It’s an escape from actually feeling and dealing with what’s occurring. So yeah, I think it really does come down to that the mindset and the intention.
Victoria Volk 37:42
What sparked that was I had a podcast guest who had grown up with Yogi parents, but he had never learned how to grieve. He had never had that emulated for him, or, you know, to really be with your emotions, and how to let them move through you and work through them. It was all just, it’s almost as if well, yoga was just this, you’re just going through the motions, right?
Michelle Marsh 38:08
Well, I think a lot of yoga is these days. Isn’t that let’s say it’s a stretching practice. I think the spiritual teachings, which is the spiritual side of of yoga, as a practice is about connection. Actually, I was just reading last night in because as you know, I’ve just started the the teacher training for Kundalini. And and it says in there, I wish I had my manual here, so I could read it out exactly. But it says Yoga is not all of these things that we’re kind of saying right now. It is a relationship. It’s about relationship, relationship to spirit relationship to self relationship to others, which means if you’re in true relationship, you cannot not experience great right, amongst every other emotion as well. So like, without knowing this, this person and his upbringing and what is your your parents are like, I mean, it’s quite possible that they actually never never spoke about that type of thing. Kundalini is quite different from other yoga practices, from what I can see it is all about being embodied, which embodied means experiencing the physical, emotional, and the etheric together as one. But yeah, it happens. And I do it too. I think we all do it.
Victoria Volk 39:33
Especially when life feels like a shitshow. Right? You’ve touched on this now, so let’s go there. Okay, because obviously, you must have some hopes, dreams and expectations or for the future with now Kundalini, but like you said, it’s whatever you go through in life, it’s education. It’s not failure, and no one can take it away from you whether it is a training program or it is a perceived failure perceived by others. So what gives you hope for the future.
Michelle Marsh 40:09
Is failing inside of me. It sounds so whoo and so I exam low, ugly, shy I have honestly come to a point in my own growth and development where I feel like I said, it’s, it’s that so I’ve done so much work on strengthening this inner core and being of myself that there is such a pleasant feeling there. It doesn’t mean I don’t get angry or scared, you know, just this morning, you know, I was, I was saying to my husband, you know, I had had a lot of anxiety coming up around, you know, finances and things because everything’s quite changeable still. But it all seems to work out in the end. And, and I think what gives me hope is that no one can take away this feeling I have inside, the only way it disappears is when I let it disappear, like I did for a moment this morning. So say, Everything’s gonna be okay. It’s all okay. And, and there’s always another opportunity. There’s always another. I’m constantly surprised and delighted life can can offer and deliver. So even if what I’m not envisaging in my mind doesn’t come to fruition. While I was still grief that because like you say, you know, I’ve got another vision in my mind now. Wow, I know, I would grieve that. I also know that whatever comes here has got opportunity for for delight and joy that I can’t even envision right now. And so whichever way it goes, it’s okay. And I think that’s where the hope lies. Now. It’s, which is a funny way to put it, but it’s, it’s, I guess, in the past hope has been in relation to wanting something so that I could be happy. That will make me happier once I have that. Whereas now it’s like there’s there’s a sense of, of joy and connect and contentedness. That’s a word in the now and but a hope for the sparks and joy that I kind of know are going to come anyways, I just don’t know what form along with the, the grief and the pain that I know will be in there as well. And it’s like, okay, let’s do it. Welcome to Life, welcome to Life, which then brings me back to like that Kundalini morning practice. That’s what that feels like, right? And it doesn’t have to be Kundalini Yoga, there’s so many different practices out there that you can get this from. It’s a mixture of this, it’s like your life, because it’s a mixture of intense pain when you have your arms out here for seven minutes. And it really hurts. But then it’s like, why would you do that to yourself. But then at the same time, there’s, like, this box of just moments where everything syncs together, or you get this higher state of awareness after a bit of breath work or meditation or, or, or at achievement, when the first time that you actually managed to keep your arms up there without flaking out. And, and that that willpower, I feel like I need to let my arm down, and then your mind is going, No, I’m gonna stay on that path. No, you’re not putting your arm down, and you just stay there and you stay there and you stay there. That’s the training, but it’s also the experience of so then when it happens in your like day to day life. It’s like, oh, no, I’ve come through that. How many times have I failed? Was my arms falling down? And then I got it. Right. You know, so it’s like, it’s giving you life experience. And I think that’s, again, like I said, those types of practices, training. And, man, I always think Imagine if we all grew up with that kind of training, like understanding not just the physical side of it, like, my teachers speaks wholly in a lot about what’s actually even occurring internally, you know, it’s like, sometimes I’ll be like, there and I’ll be sobbing and so angry. She won’t let me put my hands down Yeah, yeah.
Victoria Volk 44:45
Life training,
Michelle Marsh 44:47
Live training. Yeah, yeah. And there’s lots of ways to do it.
Victoria Volk 44:50
So if people want to learn your way, or want to connect with you, where can they find you?
Michelle Marsh 44:56
Aromalysis which is my business And that is a Romanisis.com.au. And, yeah, there’s a there’s a couple of different offerings in there. One which can be offered to anybody around the world is my wellbeing readings where I use my intuition as well as my knowledge in herbalism, and Western medicine and psychology and everything else that I’ve studied. And basically given an overview of, of your wellness is along with some different suggestions in your lifestyle diet. And really, when it comes down to it, a lot of the time it’s what people are experiencing physically comes down to the grief they are holding within the unprocessed unintegrated emotions. I give some some tips and kind of next steps around that. And then yeah, I also consult with people face to face as well when the opportunity arises.
Victoria Volk 45:57
And do you have two years you make teas as well? Right?
Michelle Marsh 45:59
I do. I do. Oh, thank you for saying, see there’s so many wonderful things in the world. I do I love I love my my teas and my herbs. My shop is not up yet. But it will be discoverable with through aroma Gnosis, so you can follow me on Instagram, I’m at aroma Gnosis as well. And I will have that shot up soon with all my medicinal goodies which I love to when I put them together, I only ever put my my herbals and medicinals together when I am in alignment in myself. And I also like to do it in alignment with the moon and the energies of the planets. And so all of that that’s where the alchemical herbalism comes in. It all comes in into play. And it’s such a beautiful expansive thing to do is to sit there chanting away as you’re as you’re preparing something or have steam, or whatever state of that.
Victoria Volk 46:59
Lots of love infused I do not doubt so much. And I will put the link in to all of your information in the show notes. And is there anything else you would like to share?
Michelle Marsh 47:11
Just deep gratitude for you, my friend, I have learned so much from you about grief. And the true nature of grief. I think it’s it’s we often label it so many other things. And when it comes down to it, it’s it’s it’s grief. And, and not being afraid of that. And yeah, understanding the nuances around it, and this podcast that you’ve been doing and have the most incredible guests on that I’m just like, so amazed that, that I am on here in in the presence of some pretty incredible people, you’re a true gift to the world. An absolute true gift. So thank you so much.
Victoria Volk 47:58
Thank you, thank you for being my friend. Oh, sister from another mother tidally. This has been so much fun. Thank you so much for sharing. I think the loss of hopes dreams and expectations is a loss that many people can relate to and experiencing loss during COVID as well. And so I appreciate you sharing your story. We didn’t even get into you map which oh, I want to try and weave that in there some way but didn’t didn’t quite fit. So maybe that’s another conversation for another time.
Michelle Marsh 48:28
Next time. Yeah. So much I could say about that that.
Victoria Volk 48:33
Anything like in a nutshell, like what it what it did for you.
Michelle Marsh 48:36
Yeah. So when you did that, now I’m trying to remember the timeline. But that’s when I was feeling kind of squeezed. And it was towards the end of last year. So it was kind of like when all the things were going on. And at the same time, I was like no, I’m gonna find my path. I will find that way, you know, determined and you you offered the umat to me surprised me most about it was really bringing to my attention, what my priorities were, what my values were. And so I made a decision. Actually, I do remember exactly. It was mid last year because it was when my grandfather died. It was at right at that point. And I remember I was trying to make decisions am I gonna do this, I’m never gonna do that. And when I saw my values written in kind of hierarchy, and and I made a decision to I’m going to live by those because it because you kind of realized that Oh, hang on. I’m putting all my attention into my fifth or sixth Valley. But about that top one that changed my behavior and my actions and still does that was a catalyst into this. This this alien of solid joy and knowledge and knowing that I’ve got that that rock hard feeling that chord that I was talking about. That was a catalyst doing that YouMap I couldn’t recommend it higher. Lay enough to people, it’s such a good way to get to know yourself. Especially if you have no idea, I think, yeah, it is true. If you’re feeling lost, actually, it doesn’t even matter how much you know yourself. I mean, I’ve been doing self development for years, I thought I knew I was like, Yeah, I already know where I’m at, there’s always more to discover it, put it in black and white in front of you, and then try and weasel your way into putting your head back in the sand, it’s really hard to do. So it’s a gift to have in front of you.
Victoria Volk 50:31
Yeah, and for people not familiar with it, I’ll link to it in the show notes. But just it’s a holistic picture of who you really are, that combines your strengths and your values and your skills and, and, and how you’re wired to create this, this map of of you, and it can really shape your path forward. And so thank you for sharing that little snippet of your experience with my listeners. So I’ll put the link to that in the show notes. And thank you again, so much, my friend. Thank you. Thank you. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life much love. From my heart to yours. Thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you’re hurting know that what you’re feeling is normal and natural. Much love my friend.
Child Loss, Death/Dying, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Parenting, Podcast |
Kasey Carmona | 6 Days of Dying and a Masterpiece of Life
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Warning: This episode contains a mother’s account of her son, CJ’s, final days of life. This may be difficult for some listeners to hear, particularly those who have lost a child.
99 Days. How much life can you squeeze out of 99 precious newborn days? Especially when 84 of those are spent in the hospital?
Kabuki, a major theatrical form in Japan for four centuries, became less of a theatrical experience and more of a grieving one.
Kabuki Syndrome (a rare genetic syndrome), named in part after facial art depicted in Kabuki theatre, expresses itself with distinct facial features including large eyes and long lashes.
CJ would not only fight to stay alive with Kabuki, but due to Kabuki, he was also born with half a heart (hypoplastic left heart syndrome), 3 kidneys, and a cleft palate. The odds were stacked against CJ and his family.
Kasey and her husband did whatever they could for their son. However, when it became clear that they were going to have to have procedures done to CJ, that was their sign that they weren’t honoring CJ’s spirit or his life. They came to accept the truth of their son’s young life and decided to take him home with oxygen support only.
Kasey could have never anticipated that the day they took CJ home on hospice care would be the first day he would truly be living. For six days, they loved as they had never loved. And, they found peace in their sorrow; believing that the gift of CJ’s life was to highlight the abundance in the present moment.
We often torture ourselves with questions we will never know the answer to. And, with odds of .032% of this diagnosis, “Why?” is a question with no answer. Scientifically, it comes down to one tiny missing gene. In the contrast, we can recognize the fragility of life and its magnificence, too.
“Part of living the abundance of life is experiencing loss.”
– Kasey Carmona in a Valentine’s letter to CJ
RESOURCES:
NOT MENTIONED BUT HELPFUL:
CONNECT WITH KASEY:
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NEED HELP?
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief, substance use disorders, or a mental health challenge, free resources are available HERE and HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk 0:00
Hi this is Victoria of theunleashedheart.com and you’re listening to grieving voices, a podcast for hurting hearts who desire to be heard or anyone who wants to learn how to better support loved ones experiencing loss. As a 30 plus year griever and advanced Grief Recovery Methods Specialist, I know how badly the conversation around grief needs to change. Through this podcast, I aim to educate grievers and non grievers alike spread hope and inspire compassion towards those hurting. Lastly, by providing my heart with yours. In thid platform, grievers had the opportunity to share their wisdom and stories of loss and resiliency. How about we talk about grief, like we talked about the weather. Let’s get started. Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, my guest is Kasey Carmona. She is a former performing arts teacher turned full time mom to two boys. When her second son was born with a life threatening critical illness. Kasey was forced to surrender herself and her son into the great big hands of love. Kasey, and her adorable family live in Atlanta, Georgia. Thank you so much for being here.
Kasey Carmona 1:24
Hi, thank you, Victoria, I appreciate it.
Victoria Volk 1:28
And I just off the bat before we started recording, this is a relatively new loss for you. And so so thank you for having the courage because it does take courage to share your story on a platform like this, whether it be mine or anyone else’s. So I honor that courage in you. And I thank you for sharing your story with me and the listeners.
Kasey Carmona 1:51
Oh, thank you. There’s something about this podcast to have grieving voices. The grief journey is long, but necessary, is what I what I share often. And I know I’m new on it. And I’m sure that I know I have a long way to go. But where I am now that I do, I do want to share where I am in this moment, and it will change and then months and years to come. But where I am, feels important too.
Victoria Volk 2:23
So what brings you to grieving voices?
Kasey Carmona 2:25
It’s, It’s love. It’s love my son, CJ. As you shared, he actually his first birthday would be next month. And he was born with a congenital heart disease called hypoplastic left heart syndrome. Essentially, it means that he was growing in me with only half a heart. We thought that that was the worst of it. But the night that he was born, we learned that it was much more. And pretty much every major body system was affected by something months later, we would learn that it was because of a single gene deletion. It was a rare genetic syndrome called Kabuki syndrome that caused a multiple abnormalities in his body. And and I just say like the poor baby had a lot going on. That’s what I always say. And he had a lot going on. And we loved him through it. And we loved we loved every bit of him. And that that’s what brings me here is is I think grief is figuring out what to do with all the love and CJ story is worth being shared. I just told somebody it’s it’s both both CJs life and death were beautiful. But there was so much life in His death. That really is the part that I want to talk about. We did something pretty wild I would say I quickly learned that the best way to love my son in the hospital was to advocate and I I advocated on every little thing if he was crying too much we didn’t need to do a temperature check. Just look at look at him. Oh but but the reason why is because they told me if he cried for longer than five minutes it was bad because because he only had half a heart right and so so we couldn’t have him even cry. He’s a baby though babies cry like but the the the amount of suffering that we saw In the hospital, CJ, at three days of life had a 10 hour open heart reconstructive surgery three day old. He was on ECMO, the heart were the machine that pumps your heart for you for longer than most babies. But he just never quite recovered from that surgery. And it’s because of so many things. He had three kidneys, he had a cleft palate, so he wasn’t able to take feeds. But even still, because of Kabuki, he created so much mucus that he wasn’t able to even swallow anything into his stomach, everything went into his intestines. What we had to put a tube into his intestines. Later, it wasn’t until we made a pretty critical choice that I’ll tell you about. We learned that his his brain nor his body grew, I knew he was having trouble gaining weight, but I didn’t realize his brain never grew. And just think about what that the implications of that especially we know that children’s brains have to grow and unfussy. Essentially, as I started advocating of my child needs this, my son needs this, we’re going to do every test every scan with him in my arms, because he cries, if you if you are trying to poke and prod and get what you need, and you’re gonna get a better reading with me holding him, you’ve never done it before. Well, first time for everything, you know, like, we just I did everything that I could. And in early May, we got the diagnosis of Kabuki syndrome, and that that syndrome on top of his severity of hypoplastic, left heart syndrome. It just, it just didn’t. It didn’t sit well with my husband and myself. At that point, we had seen so much in the hospital, and so much suffering, that it was hard for us to, to imagine this to keep going. And at some point, and this is a wild thing for a parent to say and I hope no parent makes this choice. But I believe that there are parents out there that question it at some point, death is better than suffering.
Kasey Carmona 2:27
And that’s a good that’s a really challenging thing to say out loud as a parent to decide that the hope heaven offers will be so much better for my son than what we’re doing to him here. And essentially, we had already been working with the palliative care team at the hospital and the Children’s Hospital. We were at Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta, Eggleston and the team is fantastic. They they are wonderful people. There was a doctor that CJ had a really bad episode I learned later it was his first death contraction. And the cardiologist that was on staff just didn’t know what to do. cardiologists switched out every week, the new cardiologist came in and she said, Listen, I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what to do, I guess. But we need to do something. So I guess we’ll intubate him and put him under for a Cath. And we’ll do that procedure. And the language that the PACT team gave us was, we will do things for our son CJ, but we will not do things to our son. And when that doctor said, I don’t know what else to do. So let’s do this. That that was the red flag of we’re doing something to him, not necessarily for him. And and so we worked with the Pac’s team, and we brought in hospice care. And we said we’re done. i We advocated so strongly, we said we’re bringing this baby home on pediatric hospice care. And let me just tell you, for our family, obviously, the hardest, most tragic decision a family could ever make. But it was so beautiful, because our son came home. And I also have Teddy, who at the time was only 1415 months old. And so CJ got to be with Teddy. And they they were pretty much together while CJ was in utero. I mean, it was so sweet the boys. Teddy would climb on my tummy and CJ would kick and like the the boys had this connection, but then to come home and to watch it play out was was just so beautiful. And for us Even though my son was at home to die, court and I believe that CJ is life started when he came home, he spent 84 days in the hospital. But those were the days of suffering. There was a freedom that happened when he came home. And it was so beautiful. I mean, the things that as mothers, we might take for granted with healthy children, just, just even, just even being able to take a walk outside. He at this point, he was still hooked up to his life supports. But I wasn’t able to do that in the hospital, he was connected to a wall. Or because of COVID Our family wasn’t able to see him. And so within two days of him bringing, bringing brought home, we had people come from Florida to California, to Atlanta, Georgia, to say hello to our son. And we had this beautiful welcome home party and we had food and we had ice cream cake and and all the cousins were there. And
Kaseu Carmona 11:18
Everybody got to say hello. And one of the most incredible gifts that somebody gave us was a photographer and she just sat in a corner and took these beautiful candids of CJ. And his it was really the family that came to support us. Not not all of our aunts and uncles were able to make it but but those that came to support us while CJ was in the hospital, we invited back and and most of those weren’t able to meet him. So so they were able to meet him for the first time. And it was it was raining that day. But but I just remember it being so bright like i We live in a 1920s school house. And we have these beautiful 10 foot windows and we just sat we put we put the baby recliner and rocker right by the window and I don’t remember raining I just remember it feeling so beautiful and so lovely and so warm in the house that day. And it just felt so good for us all to be together. I think that this is a familiar feeling. For those that are have loved ones at hospice or loved ones that are going to die or have died. There definitely was a sense of denial. Probably the first time that experienced denial. I mean, because my baby was home like for the for the first time he was home, like how great and I just thought things. How could things go wrong? You know, I mean, this is everything that you could have hoped for granted. He was he was a sick, he was a sick baby. He was a sick baby and it just didn’t feel like that cash. My hospice nurse her name is Lenny’s short talent she she’s also a grief educator and she she is one of those angels on earth. I mean just just a walking saint who just who just tears a woman so close and dear to my heart. And she kept saying where are the giraffe where the giraffes that are looking ahead and there was one day where she she had to look ahead and say all right, I think CJ took a took a bit of a turn. At this point we were only a weekend to our time on hospice and CT was at work I told CT to come home and at that point we we made plans we did a family photo shoot and and we got all dressed up and all my boys are in white shirts and I borrowed a dress from a girlfriend that was gorgeous and I had a friend come and she did my hair and makeup for me so I felt really good and that was such a weird day because I was like I can’t I I’m spending time getting ready and feeling pretty well. I only have minutes left with my son I only have moments left I only have hours left I only have days left like this This feels so weird and and the photographer that took the candid photos Her name is Joy she came back she she was so kindly came back to take these photos and both joy and my dear friend Emily were there and they just were like know what this is you’ll want these for the rest of your life take take the 30 minutes you’re okay you’re still a good mom to put some makeup on and you know put a comb through your hair. But I but I do remember that of like, this feels very vain to me and I actually today my son Teddy went to go point at one of the photos that we took from that day and and I did just think to myself today and this is a vain thought but but but goes along with what I’m saying here of like, gosh, I looked so pretty that day and And I’m just so grateful for other people to speak in and say, take a moment for yourself here and it’s okay. Anyways, we took these photos and they are they, they represent they represent so much of the life that CJ had and their smiling faces and my son he looks so beautiful, he’s his cheeks are full and he’s got his little curly hair because we I wet it before we took the photo so those hair had those perfect black ringlets and, and we, we took photos throughout our beautiful property that we live on and and it was a good morning. It took a nap after because it was a it was tiring. And then after CJs nap, something changed. And it’s it’s a little too painful to even go into it all and I won’t because of the trauma that is still there. But I will say that the hospice team came in and essentially said today’s the day Today’s the day it’s time to take your son off life support.
Kasey Carmona 16:13
It’s time to take them off for CJ it was oxygen and he had that NG tube so I was was exclusively pumping which is amazing. So my breast milk was going straight to his intestines. And and this is This to me is where life and death are on this wonderful continuum. And sometimes it’s hard to see it as a black and white thing. Because this this is really where we started to see all that we can do and CJ is life when you know you have at this point minutes hours left. So what you do what you do when you have one potentially one last night with the person that you love and for us we we made a family masterpiece we got out the paint we got out a big a big canvas board we went outside it was May and it was gorgeous. And we we put different colored paints on on a piece of paper or I think it was a paper plate my son Teddy had blue paint I had the green paint court had gray and little CJ had read and we just stamped with our feet on this canvas and together we made we made our family masterpiece it’s the most beautiful thing hanging up in our home because it’s the thing that we can point to and say we were all together this is the time of our life where we all shared we were all present This Is us This Is us This is where love combined it was
Kasey Carmona 18:27
A beautiful moment we have a meal together and and and then that’s when we that’s when we
Kasey Carmona 18:50
We put Teddy to sleep we brought we had Teddy kisses brother Good night and and then we we took CJ off of his life supports
Kasey Carmona 19:04
That night was was the dark night. You You don’t want to go to sleep because you don’t know what’s gonna happen.
Kasey Carmona 19:17
My husband laid on one side of the bed I laid in the other and CJ was it a one of those? swaddle me it’s like a little a little baby nest. He’s sleeping right next to us. And you know, you just put your head right next to his and and you keep your eyes open even though they’re they’re fluttering shut. You just gotta stay awake, but at some point you can’t. And so so we fell asleep. That next morning, Miracle miracles that baby was still alive. He was still alive. We couldn’t believe it. Um, but At this point he he wasn’t looking good, right? Like, I mean, sweet boy. It was It was wild and, and His breathing was so shallow and and it was hard that that morning we courts aren’t Auntie Helen, Teddy and CJ called her OMA OMO was living with us. And we had OMA take Teddy, we just were like Teddy needs to. You guys can’t see this. This is too, too sad to dark. We stayed actually, in this bedroom right here and too much. Hospice finally came, I mean, talk about an intimate moment. For your hospice doctor and Lenny’s the hospice nurse. That’s the angel to sit on your bed with you and your dying son. That is intimate. And, and they said, Yeah, it’s it’s tonight. It’s tonight. And I just at that point was like, I if you don’t realize that death is going to be so difficult. And so I’m like, you just want him to die as fast as possible at that point. And it was just so hard to watch. A breath, no breath. I mean, it was wild. It was wild. And, and Looney said, I know you want to protect Teddy on this. But I just think Teddy needs his brother, CJ. And CJ needs his brother Teddy. And I think Teddy needs to say another goodbye. And I think they need to be together. I was like how do you let a little baby see this? How do you let a baby see this? This is gonna be wild. But But I believe it. I believe it. I hear you. I believe it. And so. So we call back Oman said come back. We all need to be together. We need to be together. And but we kept CJ in the back room. At that point, CT and I had said our goodbyes. We had made our peace. We had sang songs. CT is an incredibly musician. So brought out the guitar play the piano. I mean, we were doing I had read oversee Jay, I mean, just we set our prayers. I mean just had done everything. So we made our peace. And oh my God came and made her peace to we go to bed that night. Same thing of like, you don’t want to go to bed. But at some point you do. And the next morning this baby was still alive.
Kasey Carmona 22:52
And so I told court I said Thursday that Thursday was CJ is what I call his dying day where he’s we had him in the back room. But we’re not going to do that anymore. Like it’s too sad. It’s not our son, our son is a child of life and love. And so we brought him out into the living room. And this, this is where life and death swirled in my living room. And I am here to tell you this is where CJ is life was absolutely beautiful because at this point, we really didn’t know if every breath was going to be his last and so we really cherished every minute and because he was off his oxygen support. This is where we got to have fun. So we we put both boys and strollers and we went outside and did stroller races. And we we had Teddy push his brother around in a stroller because that’s what you do with a normal baby. And we got out the kiddie pool and we see Jay wasn’t going to be able to be in a pool but but he was able to watch his brother be in a pool and splash around and and we were able to have dance parties where wires didn’t get in the way. And court was able to hold CJ without the wires and play piano with one hand. And we were able to bring CJ in to the bathroom for for bath time and just all the really wonderful normal stuff that once again moms and young moms and dads take for granted or get frustrated because they have multiple children in here. We were so grateful. For every moment that we were we would hold CJ and Teddy would coming climb into our laps to give CJ kisses on the forehead and and this is this is heaven on earth. This is heaven on earth. I’ve experienced it I’ve lived it. My son is live that my son loved it so much that he was he we were told he was going to go Friday, but he didn’t go on Friday. He didn’t go on Saturday. He didn’t die on Sunday. He didn’t die on Monday. We had these and total six days of glorious life. And but it was wild. My son’s organs started shutting down. And and he would he was smelling he was decaying. He rigor mortis, set it on his tongue. I mean, like it was, you’re holding, you’re holding a mostly dead baby, I joked around. I’m a big fan of The Princess Bride. And there’s the scene where where the man and Black is dead. And Billy Crystal says you thought he was dead, but he’s only mostly dead. And my son was only mostly dead. Because there was a part of him that just kept living. He was only taking two breaths every five minutes. And he did that for six days. Because we had set our peace, because we were in this fullness and richness of life and death. That anxiety that I think we feel, I think it’s natural to feel when a loved one is going to die is dying. I didn’t experience it because I was so focused on the present. And that is what the present can do for us is that when we’re so focused on the present moment, and the life that we have in that present moment, it’s just like, everything goes away, everything goes away. And that is a gift that we we do not have to have somebody who is dying to tap into. But but it does take practice to be present. And it is one of the gifts that my son has given me. Tuesday morning came along, and then the energy changed. The energy changed it, it. It felt like that was the day. It felt like we were kind of living on this bonus time. And and it was it was finally time and I did something that I hadn’t done before. And when CJ was growing on me, I felt this compelling sense to journal. And that morning, I read through essentially these love letters to my son.
Kasey Carmona 28:00
It took an hour. But I read every single one to him chronicling out the love that I’ve had from him since really, the beginning but But I started the journal, I got his diagnosis at 22 weeks, and I just wanted him to know like, I have loved you. I do love you and I will always love you. And if there’s one thing that I’m for sure of, I have to have faith that there’s a heaven I have to have faith that I’ll see my son but I do know without without a doubt that love never ends. And wherever my sin is now he is in love. He’s in the hands of love. And that I know that I know cuz I was his hands of love. And then I let it go. And my son finally did take his last breath. It was Tuesday May 25. It had all worked out. We had just just put Teddy down for his nap. He got to say goodnight to his brother. And just 1020 minutes after that. CJ did take his last breath you know I said this earlier in the podcast Your love has to go somewhere. And a love for my son was was so selfless. so vast, so deep. It kept it kept going and going. And it’s something that I I’m not sure I can take credit for i i believe If that the source of love for me, that’s God was the great well, that sprung up on a moment by moment basis for me to get out of myself. And to truly, but everything I have into the life and the death of my son. And so now I’m, I’m coming to terms with with what I did. And that’s a process in itself. And it’s a good one. It’s a good one. But it is long. And at times difficult. It’s one that I, I don’t regret, and I would do over and over again to
Victoria Volk 30:53
Y’all can’t see me. But I have been crying this whole time. So sorry,
Kasey Carmona 31:03
Thank you. It’s tragic. But every death is tragic. It’s all tragic. Every loss is tragic.
Victoria Volk 31:10
So tragic. Highlight something you said. But I gotta grab more tissues.
Victoria Volk 31:27
It takes, It takes courage to share your story. But it takes courage to face death, but embracing it not shutting it in the back room. And if there’s anyone listening to this right now, there is such a gift in facing and embracing death in an opportunity that could be missed when you shut it out. And if there’s anything that my death doula training taught me, and in watching my own father die, is that giving yourself and your loved ones, like little boy, the opportunity to grieve with you, that was such a gift you gave him? So I’m so glad that you had that mentor there in that guide to share that with you because that is a moment. And people might say he won’t remember that. He will. And I will say that he will.
Kasey Carmona 32:30
Okay, well, I will I it’s gonna live in his body. And I’ve sweet Teddy struggled a lot this summer. So did I Right. And, and there’s there’s organizations here in Atlanta, Georgia, that we’ve already tapped into, and his pediatrician knows the story and will watch Teddy for his whole life. And because I it was a beautiful death, he still saw death at a young age, but, but to your point, my hope is that it’s not a scary thing, that that’s so many of us believe it to be. And rightfully so. I mean, there are aspects of it that are scary, but but by embracing CJs death, we recreated this beautiful death. And I, I there was so much life and his death. But but that was CJ like CJ just kept saying, like, he brought the life and so
Victoria Volk 33:39
You answered his call. It was like, coming to look at these legacy projects and end of life doula training, when we’d work with a family, on hospice, it’s the idea of involving the whole family to create a legacy project. That’s what you’ve done. That’s what you did. And you have this beautiful Memento and kudos to that for that friend who got the photographer. I used to be a photographer, Julie now what a gift what a thoughtful gift. So if you are listening to this, and you’re like, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to help you. You’re listening to ideas today, like hear this? You know? This wasn’t the first loss for you. Was it? No. It wasn’t the last. So what has that experience? What has CJ taught you about grief? And about life and you know that
Kasey Carmona 34:44
It is I’ve allowed myself to feel every single thing I need to feel if something bubbles up. I don’t push it down. I don’t say I’ll get to it later. I just let it come Lenny’s the grief Decatur shared emotion is you gotta move it through. And so I, I am choosing to move it all through. And so I, I am grateful for those that are willing to sit in the side with me. But also, we can have some good moments together. And I think learning about learning about my own grief, I am somebody who’s pretty external. And so writing has been helpful, talk therapy has been helpful. Sharing CJ story has been helpful. These things have have really given me insight, more insight into to who I am, and, and also but, but how how see Jay’s life has affected more people than what I realize. And yeah, I think before CJ was born, it was Valentine’s Day, and I wrote a letter to him. And there’s a line in that letter that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. And I wrote, part of living, the abundance of life is experiencing loss. We choose to tap into that abundant life. And that’s it. That’s just the thing. It’s abundant. And when it’s growing, and it’s so much and it’s so full, of course, of course there’s going to be loss for me was how quickly did I accept that loss is for me, I’ve learned the sooner that I can accept a loss, the faster I can get on with the grieving process. That’s that’s how it has worked for me. And because when you wrestle with the why, when you wrestle with some of these existential questions that you might not ever get answers, I found you’re just delaying the inevitable of the accepting. And then this healing process can begin. When we realize when we choosing to tap into this abundant life, there’s going to be loss, but loss, a loss is always going to be hard. But because something is hard, doesn’t mean that it has to be bad, there can be good, doesn’t mean that it is good, but there can be good in it. And that’s a perspective, that’s a choice to make. It is not good that I lost my son, that is tragic. And it is so sad. But we found good in the loss. And I think it’s because we accepted what was happening. And it allowed us the freedom to just be present and to feel all the fields. And at that moment when my those six days while my son was mostly dead. I will I will say I buried everything pretty deep. But I but I purposely did that because I I wanted my son to have the absolute best. And and I think that’s also something that we do as mothers we, we regulate, we choose when when to be vulnerable, and when to show what we need to show and that wasn’t the right time. And I’m proud of that choice. I’m proud that I made that choice. But now as Teddy is watching me grieve, he watches me cry. And he watches me struggle. And I just say mommy sad I missed your brother, because I want him to know I want him to know that. This is part of living the abundant life that we’re in court and i weakly say, we have such a good life. I think that there’s probably people out there that would say Woe is me. And I hate to say to you, but there’s still so much good out there that you just have eyes to see it. A heart to believe it. I think that’s what grief has taught me more than anything else is that there’s still so much good despite the hard
Victoria Volk 39:28
What kind of question says Teddy asked are things that he well,
Kasey Carmona 39:35
Yeah, not too many. He’s he’s going to be too. Oh, gosh, this month. So so he’s, he hasn’t really asked questions, but he’ll point he’ll point to CJ a lot. We have pictures of him up and we have our masterpiece painting hanging up and so he’ll point to that every night before we go. As we talk to Teddy n, as we say, nightie night and we love you, we go like this, we put our hand over our hearts and we say CJ is in our hearts. So if you if you asked Teddy where CJ he would go like this, he’d put his hand over his heart. And I’m sure the time will come will he’ll start asking Lenny’s suggested the book, the invisible string. And so we read that regularly. And there’s a part where it says, There talks about the uncle in heaven, and we, we say, CJ and heaven. And so we are an open family about it, and I am. I’m really thankful for that. And I use the D word I use die. Because I also think that’s important too, especially for, for sweet Teddy, who, you know, children take things so literally, and so if we, if we use certain language, I want Teddy to, to not be afraid of sleeping or loss, but but knowing like this is this is death.
Victoria Volk 41:09
Well, and not only that, but if you don’t share the truth, they make up their own stories. And as they will make up their own stories, wow. So it’s very important that you be honest and truthful, to the, to the extent that in language they can understand at the time.
Kasey Carmona 41:35
Okay, that’s good to know,
Victoria Volk 41:37
What gives you the most hope for the future?
Kasey Carmona 41:41
I’ve been feeling that the spirit of CJ is the spirit of generosity. And his life gave so much to so many. And I hope that we can be generous with the help of our friends and family and do some kind deeds, especially for the Children’s Hospital here in Atlanta, and memory and an honor CJ, that that gives me hope.
Victoria Volk 42:09
Do you want to share a little bit about because for those that may not be familiar with Kabuki because I’m not right, is that what?
Kasey Carmona 42:16
Yeah, commemorate, yes.
Victoria Volk 42:19
How rare is it? Is it genetic?
Kasey Carmona 42:22
It’s a genetic syndrome. Yes. And it, it’s genetic syndrome. It was de novo. And CJ, which means new to him. However, if somebody does have Kabuki syndrome, and maybe it’s a mild case, they don’t realize it, that it can of course be passed along. It is very rare. It’s, I think, point zero 32% chance of a child getting it and it was a fluke accident. I was it was unlucky as what doctors say. And it caused this one genetic gene deletion caused a slew of issues in my son, and it’s just wild to think about one tiny gene was missing. And it just, it just makes you pause and reflect on the miracle of humans, childbirth, babies. I mean, there’s just so much like, gosh, so anyways, the the syndrome itself, it’s called Kabuki because the children typically have these big eyes that kind of are slanted a little bit. And these big, beautiful eyelashes, and it was named from Japanese doctors who thought these children looked like an art form a theater form in Japan called Kabuki and so it’s named after this, this theater tradition that the traditional makeup is big eyes and big eyelashes. And so, so CJ had the big eyelashes. But actually, it’s a it’s a Carmilla future too. So that’s so funny. There was so much we were like, is that Carmona or, or is it just Kabuki you know? It’s hard to hard to know. Anyways. So it is very rare. And one of the things that helped us make our decision is in literature and medical literature. The cardiologist that also dealt with genetics could only find 12 cases and all of medical literature history of children that had both hypoplastic left heart syndrome and kabuki 12. I’m sure there’s more out there. But but only 12 had been written up, the odds were not good for us it was. It was essentially, five, did what we’ve ultimately chose to do. And said, We’re done with palliative care surgeries. Seven, did not live. And then three tried to do the next round of surgery, but but also the end, I guess, had lived but maybe didn’t live up until, like eight. And so that that helped inform our decision. And because it was just so rare for the to Kabuki syndrome can cause heart defects. But hypoplastic left heart syndrome is the most I know most is it is one of the top in severity of, of heart defects. And so that that is kind of the mack daddy of the mall. For this case of a genetic abnormality of the heart. And anyways, so. So there are several families out there, I’m in a kabuki parent support group, there are several families out there that that have children that are, are
Kasey Carmona 46:38
That are doing as well as they can with Kabuki I, I personally look at those families. And I see how hard it is. And that there is a part of me that, that is grateful that we did not keep our son alive, just to keep him alive. That is a very difficult statement. And I know that is incredibly controversial. And it’s just for our family, we chose quality over quantity. And I think the hospital would have kept CJ Alive for a long time. And I look at some of these children. And you know, CJ wasn’t having seizures just quite yet. But the seizures, we’re going to start and there’s just so hard, I just and you know, he would never be able to eat. I mean, just like, and with his brain not growing. He, he would obviously have some severe challenges to do any normal, quote unquote, normal, functioning. thing. So yeah, i My heart goes out to those families. Because it is it is a it’s so hard, and it’s worthwhile. But it’s worthwhile. Like it’s so it’s beautiful. And it’s I know that they’re doing the best that they can. And there’s this like, there’s just I think, I think for me, it’s just hard to watch children suffer. It’s just hard to watch children suffer.
Victoria Volk 48:16
Dr. Chris Kerr was on my podcast a while back and he’s a hospice doctor, physician and has researched and have life experience when those in hospice care and he was talked very openly about how medical community medicalize dying, and how society overall medicalized is dying. So that made me think of you sharing that. And I had that question in my thought in my mind, and you went right to it in and in your story, and ultimately ended up bringing them home, to have a good death, really. And that’s what he talked about in that episode in how, again, there are opportunities to really embrace that process rather than medicalizing it and having an experience of separation. And, like you said, denial, trying to throw everything but the kitchen sink at something that is inevitable. In the medical field, too. It’s like you’re not supposed to do harm. And I think as human beings, the spirit within us, it’s really hard to ask ourselves in those moments, like what would I want? And then do that for your loved one. Right? Yeah. So what would you like to scream to the world? You got a microphone and had
Kasey Carmona 49:45
Oh, man, I think you just said it. For me. It’s, it’s if you are in a place where just things are not going right. And you can see the writing on the wall, no one told us to bring that baby home No one, no one in the hospital told us to do that. It’s what we felt CJ needed to have that beautiful death. And because we were tired of throwing everything but the kitchen sink at at my son’s life and not getting anywhere, and then just seeing him more, more hurt, more poked and prodded and tested and, and our 15 days at home, were so beautiful. And I, I wish, if there are families that, that are wanting that or thinking that they can do that, too, but But it requires acceptance of really what’s coming, it requires a good team around you that you can trust and talk through. I mean, for us that palliative care team at the hospital was really important. And and it requires this very selfless love, to put all your feelings on hold, and to give trusting that deep well is going to supply what you need. And it will, that’s what love does. So I I really, I really hope that there are there are people out there that that might be afraid of death or afraid of the inevitable or, or afraid of what’s to come. But I’m practicing the present and being joyful in the moment because that is what we have right now. There is beauty. And there is good. And the now is all we have really to embrace it fully. Is that abundance of life.
Victoria Volk 51:45
Beautiful message. Is there anything else that you would like to share about any other losses that you’ve had been shaped by this experience? Maybe that were different or anything about CJ, you’d like to share? Anything?
Kasey Carmona 52:07
You know, I think for today, I think this is what I needed to share for today. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.
Victoria Volk 52:17
Thank you for sharing, beautiful story of life and loss of CJ. But as you shared, he lives on in your hearts, and no one can ever take that. Again. Thank you so much for sharing your story today. I think it might need to take a walk and be in the present moment for a little while. You beautiful shares. Thank you so much. And where can people reach you if they would like to find me? Yeah, well, you connect.
Kasey Carmona 52:54
I I’m on Instagram right now. It’s just my first and last name and are on Facebook to its Kasey Carmona. Both of those would be great.
Victoria Volk 53:06
Okay, I will put the link in the show notes. Okay. Thanks. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love. From my heart to yours. Thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you’re hurting know that what you’re feeling is normal and natural. Much love my friend.
Addiction, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | The Energy of Addiction
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Addiction isn’t just applicable to a substance use disorder. Often the anxiousness of learning to live life as a griever can lead to overdoing, busyness, workaholism, etc. We can become addicted to being busy in an effort to avoid feeling our feelings. “Keeping Busy” is actually one of the 6 Myths of Grief.
In this week’s Takeaways & Reflections episode, I reflect on alcohol and the other ways addiction may be impacting life as a griever. I also dig deeper into the energetics of addiction and emotions; sharing about a healing modality in which I recently got trained, too.
Shame and guilt are often two emotions associated with addictions of any kind. Participating in behaviors that are used in an effort to avoid only exasperating the guilt and shame that already existed. This cycle continues and makes it that much more difficult to get out of the pattern of addiction.
Of course, addiction can become a mental health disorder; however, an important question to ask anyone who is struggling with addiction of any kind is: “What happened to you?” The origin of addiction often can be traced to something that happened, a circumstance, or a situation the person was exposed to long-term. And for so many, memories of pain often stem from childhood.
To break the patterns and cycle of addiction, one must be honest with themselves and others, expose the shame and guilt for what it is so the emotion loses its power and grip, and take positive action with support.
If you are struggling with addiction, substance use disorder, or another mental health challenge, I’ve recently added a “Mental Health” resources tab on my website. If you are a Military, Veteran, or First Responder, there’s a section just for you as well.
RESOURCES:
______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief, substance use disorders, or a mental health challenge, free resources are available HERE and HERE.
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The Energy of Addiction
Looking at using alcohol in my early 20s as a way to cope and numb out and band-aid my emotional pain. But we don’t typically connect the dots of our present-day experience, to grief and to trauma, and things that we’ve experienced, likely as children, we really don’t think about either the environment that we grew up in as being the catalyst for our behavior as adults, which our childhood environments directly impact our belief system and how we cope with adult life. And we learned from our parents how to do that. And it can be unhealthy, or it can be healthy. But for the mass majority of us, our parents did not receive healthy coping skills, either. And so these patterns and the cycles of unhealthy coping continue through the ages, through lineages through generations. Today, I’m also going to dig deeper into the energy aspect of addiction. And that will be the focus of today because it’s really important that we look at our emotional and physical bodies as it pertains to energy as an energetic beings we are energetic beings.
Healing Modality Training “Biofield Tuning”
Recently, I completed a new healing modality training called biofield tuning. And so this episode is very timely in what I’ve been learning about energy, and particularly are biofield or the energy that extends five to six feet all the way around us. And it’s like this toroidal shape. So if you were to slice an apple in half that is what our energy fields are biofield looks like. And we have this earth energy that’s below our feet that helps us to stay grounded and feel grounded and connected to the earth energy. And we have this energy center at the top of our crown that connects us to the sun’s energy and is all about our relationship to time in nature. And connecting to this power source, the positive power source, whereas you the earth energy is this negative terminal. And so if we think about ourselves like a battery, that’s essentially what I’m saying here is that we are like a battery. And just like you plug in an electric car or any device to charge, or you have to charge your battery on your car, there’s a positive and negative terminal.
Our bodies are energetic bodies or act in the same way. And so if we are not grounded and are not centered, this energy flow that goes all the way down the center of our bodies that down our spine are meridian. And if this is all new or unfamiliar to you, I’ll just briefly explain what these points are down in Meridian and they’re called the chakras and at the Root Chakra. That is where the base of our spine is the root chakra. Moving up, the next point is the sacral chakra, which is a few fingers below the navel. The next chakra up is just a few fingers above the navel is the solar chakra or the solar plexus. The next chakra up is the heart chakra, then the throat chakra. The third eye chakra is above the brow, and then the crown chakra is above your head. And so we have these chakra points all the way down in Meridian, but we also have chakras in our hands. And our feet are like her ankles, knees. In other points, we call them half steps in biofield tuning. And so that’s what we are looking at and addressing when we are giving a biofield tuning session.
What is Biofield Tuning?
The term biofield actually refers to our body’s electrical system in its entirety. So as I kind of described earlier, it’s both the electrical current that runs through our bodies and also the magnetic field that surrounds it, that toroidal shape that I had mentioned biofield tuning. It’s a sound therapy method that works directly with the system as it’s connected with our conscious and subconscious minds, including our memories, and the theory of it is that our memories aren’t actually stored in our minds. They’re stored in our biofield and the biofield informs the body and the body informs the biofield. So all physical, mental, and emotional disorders can be perceived as dissonance in our electrical system.
Biofield tuning is able to locate, diminish and resolve this dissonance and in doing so alleviate and even eradicate the corresponding physical, mental, and or emotional symptoms like Reiki energy healing. Biofield tuning sessions can also be conducted from a distance. So during a session, if it’s in person or otherwise, the client is fully clothed on a treatment table or comfortably in their bed or in their chair. And the practitioner activates a tuning fork and scans the biofield slowly beginning from about six feet away because as I mentioned, our biofields extend five to six feet out from our physical bodies, what we’re actually listening for or feeling for is this resistance or turbulence in the biofield we’re listening for a change in the overtones and undertones of the tuning for and when we encounter a turbulent area, we continue to activate the tuning fork and hold it in that specific spot. And research suggests that the body’s organizing intelligence uses the steady coherent vibrational frequency of the tuning fork to literally tune itself just as we tune a piano or tune a guitar. So the dissonance resolves in the sense of resistance gives way. And this appears to correspond to the release of tension within the body. So people relax, they breathe more freely in the body enters into an increased flow state and that’s where the energy is actually flowing and moving where the body can function at its optimum.
As a result, clients often report that they have they feel lighter, they’re able to breathe more freely, and have a diminishment or resolution of their symptoms. If you’re familiar with other energy work or other healing modalities this might sound like it’s somewhat of a targeted nervous system, biofeedback, and the founder Eileen McKusick has come to see this process as consciousness hacking. It’s almost like a side door entry into the psyche working with what has been hidden in plain view, which assists people in making changes they otherwise could not on their own. Some conditions do respond very well to biofield tuning and others do not so much. But with these tools in our toolbox and practitioners who are sharing this with clients, we are increasing our voltage. We are increasing our body’s voltage as we do this work and as we address our energetic bodies, and so if we can clear that dissonance in our bio-field which informs the physical body, imagine how much better you can feel. Imagine the problems that you can solve just by laying on a bed or on a practitioner’s table. So I do encourage you to look into this more I will put a link to it in the show notes. I don’t have this just yet as of this recording on my website, but I do offer Reiki energy healing, I will be offering this soon to the masses. So stay on the lookout on my website if you are interested or reach out and I can connect with you once I get everything up and running. I do highly recommend the book tuning in the human biofield. It’s written by Eileen day, McKusick, the founder of biofield tuning.
The Energy of Addiction and Emotion
When we speak to the energy of addiction and emotion, any emotion we repress will suck a lot of juice out of us depleting energy from our body systems. And there is the energy of the emotion itself. And then there is the energy required to keep it repressed, right, it takes a lot of work to repress our emotions. And we often create these energetic walls, which appear to be like these high energy frequency barriers that block the perception of the conscious mind, from even going to that place, going to that emotional place. And so when we use sound, to deconstruct those constructs, and to free up that energy, and then we give it back to the system as a whole, we suddenly have reserves of energy that we didn’t have before to get things done. This is where often so many clients will report feeling not just lighter but have more energy, some people can experience some detox-like symptoms, like headaches or fatigue initially, and things like that in the first day or two. But that’s a good thing. Because detoxing is is good, it’s out rather than in we, you know, we want that stuff to come out rather than staying in.
And so once we’re moving that energy, and it’s coming out, that’s a good sign. That means the energies moving we’re getting clearing up those dissonances in our biofields. And so with substance use disorders and alcohol and things like that guilt and shame are often a huge aspect of addiction. The right side of the second chakra, which is the sacral chakra speaks of guilt and shame, guilt and shame are similar, but they are different. And the simplest distinction is reflected for guilt is I did something bad. Whereas shame says, I am bad. There’s a psychiatrist named David Hawkins. And in his book power versus force, he says that of all the possible human emotions shame is the heaviest and it’s the lowest on the frequency scale. Shame is a very difficult emotion to feel because it feels so terrible.
And so what a lot of people do instead of feeling that is we repress it, and then we displace it onto others through finger-pointing and blaming and blaming other people instead of feeling shame is a very common phenomenon, particularly among alcoholics. And there tends to be a lot of repressed emotions in that sacral chakra that second chakra, and it’s not uncommon to be jam-packed with a lot of stuff. But the root chakra and the second chakra are very much connected, everything is connected, but they tend to couple each other. So the result is either guilt and shame, driven, overdoing or frustrated nondoing, or a pattern of going back and forth between the two. Either way, people generally accumulate heavy imbalances in these parts of their biofield and these energy centers and because everything is connected, we can’t ignore the third chakra or the solar plexus when it comes to substance use.
Eileen’s Book Tuning the Human Biofield
‘I’m going to read a little excerpt from Eileen’s book tuning the human biofield because I think there is a very important aspect here and maybe, particularly for men but not always, but the right side of the third chakra relates to the father and one’s relationship with father and also to the emotion of anger and the liver stores and metabolizes anger. So many people who have had or still have a difficult relationship with their fathers, whether they’re a stepfather adopted father, or grandfather have a tendency to repress the difficult feelings associated with this by engaging in the consumption of what Eileen calls liver, pacifiers, such as sugar, excessive amounts of carbs, alcohol, chocolate, and dense dairy products, such as ice cream or cheese. And obviously, in small amounts, these substances are fine, but in excess, they have the effect of dampening or even eliminating our experience of anger, the angry drunk she calls it would be an exception to this. Eileen had discovered that there seemed to have been more father issues with clients than mother issues, and a lot of the fathers had been alcoholics or rageaholics or workaholics, emotionally unavailable in prison, or just not around or otherwise present to their child’s needs, and she adds the fundamental things that people seem to need from their fathers. acknowledgment, approval, and affection are rarely if ever received and this seems to give rise to some real problems for people now she’s not talking about she’s talking about people seeking help and dealing with issues not necessarily the population at large.
But in the absence of the reflection of our own inner brilliance that a healthy relationship with one’s father can provide. Many people end up unconsciously seeking to get these needs met as they go through their lives engaging in guilt-driven overdoing, experiencing feelings of low self-worth seeking approval, and routinely putting others’ needs ahead of their own. She adds that in Chinese medicine, the liver is seen as the general in the army, that is the body is responsible for overseeing all operations and pays attention to digestion, respiration, circulation, subtle energy flow, elimination, the immune function, and probably more also in Chinese medicine. It is said that the liver opens to the eyes and we say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. It is also the organ of discernment, it decides what in the self needs to be recycled, and what is to be disposed of. In her book, she also speaks of a term she coined purple washing, describing the tendency people have to gloss over, repress or deny uncomfortable emotions, usually by spiritualizing the situation or by being nice about it, and that’s an air quote. I’m going to read an excerpt from her book, where she describes what emotion is, and she says it’s an electoral chemical event in any emotion that is repressed or denied is repression and denial of one’s life force.
Neurologist Candace Pert has shown that different emotions have different chemical compositions. And when we experience any of these emotions, their vibrational and chemical counterparts are generated and circulate in our body. When any emotion goes unexpressed or unrecognized the body does not digest or recycle it, it stores it or as part says, emotions are buried alive, and never die, emotions always find a way of expressing themselves. What this means is that the energy of our emotions is always trying to be heard and expressed in some way, like anything buried alive might, if we don’t recognize them for what they are and find healthy ways to express them, they will find a way to express themselves anyway, in sickness or disease, tumultuous life situations, or eventual mental or emotional breakdowns, and quote, and I speak a lot to this in Grief Recovery.
We talk a lot about this we call them stirpes, short-term energy relieving behaviors, and we speak to the energy of the feelings that we hold in and repress and bury Grief Recovery is all about giving those emotions and those feelings of voice and biofield tuning is really addressing the event itself in an energetic level. And so I really feel like biofield tuning along with Grief Recovery, man, it’s transformational. And it has been transformational for me. Biofield tuning has helped me to understand the energy that is really stored in my own field when you see someone or you’re around someone, and you just feel like they give you a vibe like you just get maybe icky vibes from that person, your energy field, your biofield is kind of bumping up against if your antenna is sharp, and you’re tuned in to your antenna, you will pick up on what that person’s energy is trying to tell your energy, it’s your energy field, reading their energy field, we just don’t pay attention to that our antennas up but it’s discombobulated. And it’s got this film of yucky stuff on it. Because we are so disconnected and disassociated from our own bodies. We’re not even in our own bodies, because we’re so overwhelmed with emotion. And we’re using coping skills that are harmful, such as alcohol or other substances, and behaviors that only lead to more shame and guilt and all those in more emotions that just really exasperate and repeat the cycle. This is why it’s so difficult to get out of these patterns of behavior of addiction because the cycle just repeats itself over and over and over until you address the emotion itself. Read it, get it from the root and pull it out. That’s the only way the only way is it out is through just like the buffalo in a store.
A Lot of Things Can Be An Addiction
You can gambling shopping, again, refers back to the STERBS (short-term energy relieving behaviors) and I’m gonna link to the show notes in that episode where I talk about that but you can also have an addiction to doing this is probably more like me in different phases of my life where I’m overworking over busyness, which can be an addiction and it looks good. Right from the outside. It looks really good. You’re getting things done. You’re impressing people, and you’re keeping up with them but it’s I’m also handy because you don’t even need any substance, right? You don’t have to have wine or chocolate in the house, there’s no end to the ways that you can go off the rails with busyness I’m particularly prone to like I have a busy mind, I have a very busy mind. And I like the stimulation of the mind. And so it’s not a challenge for me to like, stop and pause. I meditate every morning and can really have swathes of inner peace, like noticeable feelings of inner peace within me, but my energy comes in bursts as well. But for someone who is doing in constantly doing it in order to not address their emotion, not to feel what they’re avoiding to feel that’s addiction. And when you’re so busy doing for everyone else, you’re not doing the things that matter, you’re not going to get your art or your music or your poetry is written your walks in nature, or even launched with your friends in liens, another book, Electric Body Electric House, she talks a lot about this, if you’re avoiding doing things that you enjoy, because you’re busy, because you’re busy doing other things you’re busy doing for everybody else, you get into this martyr, drudgery. She calls it the drone of must get everything done. And we don’t ask for help. And she calls this the doing virus and it has this isolating effect that makes it difficult for us to connect, and receive and especially in grief.
Actually, that’s one of the myths of grief is to keep busy. That’s so unhelpful when if you know someone grieving, don’t tell them to keep busy, that is not helpful. That is not doing them any favors. This ties into exactly what I’m talking about. It’s that propensity to keep busy in order to avoid the strong emotion that doesn’t serve someone from moving forward in their lives. Some people use alcohol, some people use food, but a lot of people in our culture use motion. We keep going so that our emotions never have a chance to settle. She goes on to say as long as you’re listening to the voice in your head and manically trying to make your way through the bottomless to-do lists. You don’t have to listen to the sound of your own pain. She adds a hyperactive mental body overrides the emotional body. This is a huge part of why people spin out in their heads. Many bodyworkers have noted a correlation between the right hip and the left shoulder the right hip imbalances of overthinking and overdoing are often the counterpoint to the issues of the left side of the heart chakra, which is where we hold unprocessed sadness, loss, and grief. She goes on to say when you start to quiet the mind and slow the busyness down, the feelings you’ve been avoiding will come up. And that’s a good thing. Because those emotions are stuck energy that’s creating resistance and drag in your field, your mind, and your life. It can be uncomfortable, and it does take a little time to settle back to neutral. But as you move through your own emotional backlog, you liberate a huge amount of your own potential you free up energy to be expressed in creative and fun and pleasurable ways you start to return to the juiciness and magic and depth of the moment that you are you were missing out on when you had the right side of your field all scrunched up in a bunch and quote, I absolutely love that because it really does truly speak to everything that we talk about. I talk about when it comes to Grief Recovery when it comes to our emotions and the energy that we contain within us that is stuck. That’s not going anywhere. It’s not being utilized. It’s stagnant.
When I Saw My Own Potential
And when I talk about my personal story about when I had finally addressed my grief when I addressed my emotional body and I addressed it and released it and that energy started to flow man I saw the potential I saw my own potential. I speak about that a lot at you see opportunity where you instead of lab you see your own potential where you would before say I can’t do that I don’t want to do that that resistance would come up so much resistance and I can spot my own resistance a mile away right now. In fact, my next newsletter is all about resistance because I’ve been resisting something. And that’s a video and I’m hoping to I mean I have a challenge right now to change that to show up on video more but we have to address our emotional bodies. And this is the thing if this message today gives you anything I hope it gives you hope itself that once you look at yourself as an electrical being there is nothing you cannot do or accomplish in your life. If you address your emotional body and the electrical stagnancy the stuck energy that is in your field and within your body because when we untangle that and clear up that dissonance it’s an amazing feeling.
My friend, I’ve personally experienced it I’m seeing my clients experiencing it. I’ve had to do a lot of I’ve done a lot of sessions with biofield tuning, incorporating Reiki and biofield tuning. As I’ve been learning and growing in this new modality I’m bringing to my clients and they’ve all loved it. They appreciate it so much because I don’t think I’ve had a client yet that hasn’t said they haven’t had more energy than I was actually using, there’s a new fork that I have that Eileen just recently came out with.
The 144 hertz
It’s the 144 hertz and its kind of like our belt sander of tuning forks, it gets to the nitty-gritty, and it digs deep. It’s the emotional grinder, and I was using it on my husband, which it should not be used if you’ve only had, shouldn’t be used on your first session. And it wasn’t but she calls it also the spring cleaning tuning fork and I kid you not the next morning after I used it the night before and my husband the next morning, the very next morning, I got out of bed at eight o’clock in the morning, I am not sitting on the couch, enjoying a cup of coffee and watching CBS Sunday Morning like I normally would. That’s been my routine for years. Like that’s my time I am cleaning, I put on some hip hop music and 90s Hip Hop 80s music and I started cleaning and I clean for the next seven hours straight and I’m talking deep cleaning, I scrub down like the kitchen cupboards, I went to town on deep cleaning my house, that has never happened, especially on a Sunday morning.
So it really truly is the spring cleaning fork. And I’m not the only person that’s reported that after using this fork, she said that herself. And actually, I was like halfway around my kitchen cupboards, scrubbing them down. And I thought I think she mentioned that this is the spring cleaning fork. And I actually had to go look for that where she said that. And she had shared that actually in our Facebook group, because I thought it was in the fork description, but it’s not she had shared it in the Facebook group. And I thought well, I’ll be darned. So this is amazing work, this energy work that is available to you. If you are struggling today, I encourage you to find a biofield tuning practitioner near you or reach out to me and we can set something up. But I’ve seen such fantastic results with this modality and I have no doubts, it will help you no doubts, you know, a lot of people are not ready for the really, really deep emotional stuff that comes with Grief Recovery. And I get that but with biofield tuning. It’s almost like this baby step. It’s just a baby step. And when you’re ready to really dig deep, then you can go into Grief Recovery. So I’m really excited to bring biofield tuning as another tool in my toolbox to my clients, whether it be addiction or trauma or just needing a reset to our adrenals because that’s actually something I can do as well.
P.S It’s there’s something called an adrenal rhythm reset, which is all about your adrenals because in our society today in our Western culture, it’s always like doo doo doo doo doo right and our adrenals get burned out and fried, which affects our thyroid, which no surprise thyroid medication is the number one prescribed medication in the United States today. Why is that? Because we are burning out we have so many things coming into our biofields, our systems from external influence, social media, the news, and so many toxins that are coming at us every single day in the homes in which we live neighborhoods or the environments. it’s really fascinating work again, checkout islands book, I’m going to put both books I’m going to put the links in the show notes and check out biofield tuning and reach out to me through my website.
If you want to hop on a session when I finally get it up, I can let you know. And check out episode 101 with Drew because we both talk about how our grief in childhood really did lead us down a path of using alcohol to cope. So whether it’s alcohol or shopping, or it’s food for you. I think this episode will be helpful and I hope this one was so please hold on to hope. Hold on to hope it’s there. And your actions today will determine what your future looks like. So I encourage you to take action today just a small action read her book checkout biofield tuning do something today to learn more about your energy field learn more about your emotional energy body and what your emotions are trying to tell you there is an alert system. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you found this helpful. And if you did, please share it subscribe, or leave a review. And remember when you unleash your heart you unleash your life much love.
Addiction, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mental Health, Podcast |
Dru Jaeger + Victoria | The Grief + Alcohol Club
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
This week’s episode is a collaboration with my friend, Dru Jaeger, co-founder of Club Soda and author of How to Be a Mindful Drinker: Cut Down, Take a Break, or Quit.
Dru woke up one morning a happy child with two parents and went to bed that night without a mother. She died suddenly and unexpectedly of a massive brain hemorrhage. Within six months, his father would relocate their family to another country.
Like many of us, Dru learned that you suppress it, distract yourself, keep yourself busy, and pretend that the trauma did not happen to you when it comes to grief.
Dru shares how his grief changed and manifested over the years. Also, how only in the last several years has he found peace within where he’s learned to live with himself (and his grief) well.
Enjoy this week’s episode as we both share how parent loss in childhood shaped our adult lives, particularly our relationships with alcohol, and learn if alcohol has become a way for you to cope with your grief. And, to be clear, if you think this episode isn’t for you, you don’t have to be a daily drinker for alcohol to be a “problem-solving band-aid” in your life.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
💛 Would you like to Learn Your Energy Type? Free Quiz ➡️ HERE! ⬅️
SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk 0:00
Hi this is Victoria of theunleashedheart.com and you’re listening to grieving voices, a podcast for hurting hearts who desire to be heard. Or anyone who wants to learn how to better support loved ones experiencing loss. As a 30 plus year griever in Advanced Grief Recovery Methods Specialist, I know how badly the conversation around grief needs to change. Through this podcast, I aim to educate grievers and non grievers like spread hope and inspire compassion towards those hurting. Lastly, by providing my heart with yours. In this platform, grievers had the opportunity to share their wisdom and stories of loss and resiliency. How about we talk about grief, like we talked about the weather. Let’s get started. Hey, good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening, wherever you’re listening from. I’m your host, Victoria Volk, and this is another episode of grieving voices. And I’m thrilled to share this episode because it only happened because I had an idea. And I followed through with the inspired idea by sending an email and reaching out. And this episode is collaboration with Dru from joinclubsoda.com Dru’s professional background is as a writer and researcher. And along the way, he is trained as a facilitator, coach, NLP practitioner and mindfulness teacher, day to day and club soda Dru designs and delivers courses and workshops to help people cut down, take a break from alcohol or stop drinking for good. He also writes regularly about alcohol and mindful drinking, and hosts the club soda podcast, do now drinks rarely. And as a passionate advocate for a world in which people drink more mindfully and live well. Club Soda is a community for people who want to either give up alcohol or drinking, cut back, or just really changed their relationship with alcohol. It’s a very supportive community. And I was thrilled when I got a yes to do this. And we recorded and it was an amazing recording. I hope you enjoy it. And we do plan to do this again. So if there is something about this episode that you would like us to dig deeper into as in terms of grief and alcohol and the topics that come up during the conversation, please reach out either to dru@joinclubssoda or myself at [email protected]. And we’ll make it happen. Because I think we are both enthusiastically excited about, I don’t know, enthusiastically excited, I think we’re both really excited to have this conversation, and more importantly, to share it and to share what we both have learned over the years about alcohol and our relationship to it because it really truly is indeed a relationship. And so enjoy this episode. And if it helps you, please share it with someone else who may be struggling with their relationship with alcohol. Or leave a review for Dru and myself on both of our podcasts because it is on their podcast as well. And I will put the link in the show notes if you would like to leave a review. Thank you so much for listening and enjoy.
Dru Jaeger 3:37
We thought it’d be good for myself and Victoria to share a bit about our own experiences of alcohol and grief and how those two stories have been woven together through our lives. And then I’ve got some questions for Victoria, which will be gonna be I hopeful, super useful for people listening to the club soda podcast, and then you’ve got some questions for me. So that’s where we go. And I guess for me, I guess one of the things that I was reflecting on as I came to preparing for this, is that when I was drinking and my most heavily through my 30s I don’t think I would ever have reflected that that was in any way connected to my experiences of childhood loss. But looking back at it now that is such an unavoidable conclusion. But I wonder how it ever is that I could have imagined I was doing anything else is such a glaring thing for me now. recognizing all of these ways in which I wanted to transcend my experience escape the emotional pressure that I felt inside me feeling this sense of disconnection of not belonging, all of these different things which are going on when I was drinking and taking a lot of drugs, which I partied really hard in my 30s A lot of what was going on then. I wouldn’t couldn’t have articulated it that way, but it really was about My experience of childhood loss my mum died when I was nine years old, she died very suddenly, I, she died of a massive brain hemorrhage. And I literally woke up one morning as a nine year old, and have a mother and went to bed that night and didn’t. And, you know, it utterly pulled my life apart, not just in the experience of grief, and that gaping void in my life that suddenly opened up. But actually in all the consequences of what happened. As a result of that, within the course of about six months, my family had relocated, I’d lost contact with my childhood friends, I was living in a different country. And so many of the messages that I heard as a nine year old, this is almost 40 years ago, but so many messages that I heard as a nine year old, were, you just have to kind of grin and bear it and get through the next few days. And it’s all going to be fine. And I was taught very much a model of dealing with grief, which is that you suppress it, you put it away somewhere else, you might occasionally be upset, but you distract yourself, you keep yourself busy. And you throw yourself into this new exciting life that you have. And we pretend that this traumatic experience that you’ve been through, is not something which happened to you at all. And I, you know, I can only have the life that I have, you know, I can’t, one of the things that I want to talk to you about is this urge that I have to fix my grief. But of course, I can’t go back, you know, I can’t change the experiences that I had as a nine year old, I can learn to live better with them. And I can learn to be compassionate and forgiving as far as I’m able to the other people who were implicated in that story. I tell you a little story about how that’s come up recently, but But you know, I can I can, I can do the work now to live as well as I can. But one of the things which I am really very aware of now in my in my approaching life forces, but I will say that quite yet. No, really, I’m 48, late 40s is that this story of loss is always going to be with me. I, you know, there isn’t a moment in my life that’s going to come where I will ever put this behind me where it will ever stop being an issue. And I guess if I were thinking about the loss that I carry, it’s not like that raw, confused, terrible, painful experience that I went through as a nine year old. It’s very different now. But it doesn’t go away, you know, my life has grown and expanded around it, you know, I’m able to contextualize it, I’m able to see the effect that grief has had on me and continues to have on me, but it never goes away. It’s like this
Dru Jaeger 8:20
Thing that I carry with me all of the time. And sometimes, you know, we have this conversation on the on the on our podcast, just before Christmas coming up to Christmas, inevitably, I will cry every Christmas at some point. Because I miss my mom. You know, I have been doing that every year for the past decades, I will continue to do that until I’m in my 70s Hopefully eight years, you know, however long I live, that experience will always be with me. There are there are moments still when grief surprises me when it comes out of nowhere when I find myself crying for no particular reason and a very obvious reason. And it all gets mixed up together. So you know, I I feel like I’m somebody who is now almost 40 years on finally learning at some level to live with myself and this experience that I had, and all of the impacts of it. And yet one of the ways in which I tried to effectively deal with this experience and all of the things that flowed from it in my 30s was that I threw myself into living life as hard as I could, you know if there was an experience of life that I could get, I was going to throw myself at it. I want it to consume all of the alcohol and take all of the drugs and become a person other than myself and I tried really hard and I had you know I had actually had an amazing time. I’m not gonna deny that I do had, I had I had an extraordinary period of my life, I made some great friends, I lost some friends, I, you know, it was a it was a transformative experience for me. But in the end, it ended up doing more damage than I was able to sustain. And, you know, my abiding memory by the time I got to my early 40s, my abiding memory of my 40th birthday is not the amazing party that I put together and all of the people from different parts of my life that came to celebrate with me, it was being on my own, late at night, hugging a toilet, and formatting because that’s where my drinking had led me to. And I didn’t know how else to be with and celebrate with all of these people who were important to me apart from getting out of my face on alcohol. So yeah, and so over the past, I guess, decade, I’ve been in this journey of a learning to live well with myself and learning to live with my mental health and all of the impacts of grief and that have had, and trauma that I continue to carry. But recognizing alcohol and drugs on solving these problems for me, I’ve tried, I tried, you know, I tried escaping into religion in my 20s, I tried escaping into alcohol and drugs in my 30s These solutions are going to in the end cause me more damage than they are going to solve for me. And I need to find better ways to live. And so for me, that’s meant that I’ve really kind of over the past few years pretty fundamentally reshaped my relationship with alcohol. I do drink, but vanishingly rarely. And now my relationship with alcohol is actually thinking does this drink and value to life, as opposed to what problem is this drink going to solve for me. And that has been such a fundamental shift that I’m, I’m basically alcohol free by default, most of the time. But that’s been really important, because actually, it’s given me space, and build some emotional resilience. And it’s let me learn to approach the difficult feelings that I carry around in a more respectful way. I guess I’m not, you know, pouring fuel on them. I’m listening to that sadness. And I’m listening to that loss. And I’m, hopefully in a better relationship with my nine year old self, and his experiences of pain than I have been ever in my life. So far. That’s really where I am on this whole journey of alcohol and grief. How are you?
Victoria Volk 12:47
Wow, I thank you so much for sharing that I saw me writing as you were speaking not to. I was really, truly listening. But there are so many things that I want to circle back to. And I will. In a nutshell, my experience was my dad died when I was eight. But he was sick for two years, almost 16 months, but he was given two to three months to live. But he lived for almost 16 months. But he was gone much of that time because he was doctoring, and it was like three hours away to the VA hospital. And so I was bounced around from house to house between age of six and eight until he passed away. And it really, you know, that year that passed away, it was really traumatic, not just losing my father, but also my sister who was like a second mom to me, join the Air Force. She graduated from high school two months later, and she was gone. So I lost her. And when my dad passed away, eventually we lost. I lost relationship with all of his family. So I not only lost my dad, but I lost an entire family. I grew up in a very, I mean, it was just my brother, my mom and myself, and then she remarried about two years later. And it wasn’t a healthy relationship. And so I was surrounded by arguing and, and alcohol was very much a part of our home. And that led me to, you know, and my brother was five years older than me, so I kind of grew up by myself and a lot of ways because he was doing his own thing. He was a teenager. And by the time I was while in high school, I really I drank and I went to parties and things but it wasn’t I almost knew like right from wrong like I had still this sense of I don’t you know I didn’t want to
Victoria Volk 14:52
I had it was like a consciously was choosing to not go down this path that I saw other people in my life going down due to other reasons and other circumstances in their life, by the time I was 21, I, on my 21st birthday, I hadn’t even been to a bar didn’t even go to a bar. And it wasn’t until a friend, she’s like, you’ve never been to a bar. And I said no. And but a lot of loss happened in the meantime, too. I ended up joining the military. And when I was gone at my training, my mom sold her house, she got a divorce. And so when I came back from my training, my childhood home was essentially not my home anymore, I had nowhere to go, but to this new city where I knew no one, and to live with my mom. And so that was a huge transition, partially why I hadn’t been to a bar, because I didn’t know anybody. But that one ask. And starting to go to the bar is what really set me up for a downward spiral. And I knew every drink special every night of the week, and my license was nearly suspended. I had so many fender benders and speeding tickets, I should have been fired from my job. I can’t believe they didn’t fire me, they probably saw that I was kind of a train wreck. And I had been taught to but no one was holding me accountable or responsible. And I certainly wasn’t doing that for myself. But by the grace of God, they didn’t. But maybe that would have snapped me out of my mess sooner, I don’t know. But I ended up getting myself in a lot of not a lot of but several dangerous situations, being a female, and going to bars and, you know, meeting people that I didn’t know. And it was really a really transformative time for me, and not a good way. And it’s what really changed was that I ended up toxic relationship that kind of set me on a downward spiral until my husband came into the picture. And we had been friends for seven years before we even started dating. But he just I don’t know, he was like the knight in shining armor, I suppose. And that’s really what turned my life around in the in that in that timeframe. And so, my drinking Eska escapade, although it was a good year and a half, I really made up for lost time during that time. But alcohol didn’t just go away. And it didn’t really creep in again, until I became a parent. Until I had three kids in four years. My husband was gone a lot. He commuted for his job. And so he’d be gone, sometimes a week at a time. And I was raising these kids and isolated because we had moved and I didn’t really have any friends. And then I started to meet people on things. And it was through alcohol, how I met people. And that’s how bonds kind of formed. And so that’s when alcohol became this social, a way for me to come out of myself, because I didn’t feel comfortable with myself in my own skin. And so to feel like I would fit in or to feel like I was fun. I thought I needed to drink. And so that’s really, and I found myself just like you in front of the toilet many times, my kids becoming teenagers and seeing their mom and and feeling the shame and the guilt around that.
Victoria Volk 18:43
We know what kind of example was I setting for my kids. And I don’t believe that you have to be a daily drinker to have a problem with alcohol. If alcohol is causing you to become someone you’re not because you’re not comfortable with who you are. Or you’re drinking to avoid feeling a certain way or to avoid addressing certain emotions, then it’s a problem. Whether it’s binge drinking on the weekends, or binge drinking on a Wednesday night and a Tuesday night or whatever it is, or you’re having four drinks every single day. If it’s a problem, it’s not going to look the same for everybody, I don’t believe and so I had a bender one night and I woke up the next day feeling like I always did like crap. And I would I would get sick every time it didn’t matter what I drank or how much I just would get sick. And I’d be a pile of crap for a day or two and useless to my family and to myself and and finally I just woke up that next day and there was a conversation I’d had or someone had shared something with me they were kind of going through the own thing with alcohol On this shirt, you know, why do I need this? And that one question she posed, I asked myself, and I didn’t have a good answer. Why do I need? Why do I think I need this? And that day, I decided I’m done and done, cold turkey. And I applied what I knew in Grief Recovery, what I learned the tools, and I applied that to my relationship with alcohol. And it really helped me sustain my sobriety for 638 days, I think it was, until a weekend with friends, I consciously decided I was going to share in a toast. And I did drink that weekend. And then I felt like it was something that I had control of, like, I decided this, it’s not that I alcohol decided this for me, like, I didn’t feel like I had to do it. But boy, for two, it took about two weeks. And then it really hit me like, What did I do? What did I do? There I go again, you know, and then the guilt and the shame. And my kids Oh, I thought you quit drinking? And people would say I thought you quit drinking? And? And to answer that question. You know, it was really, it still really takes me aback. And I don’t know how to answer it. Sometimes, but ever since then it’s really become this. It really is about self discovery. Like every time I drink or every time I go into a situation where there’s going to be drinking, I’m having this dialogue in my head. If people could see my, my thought bubbles above my head, as I’m contemplating like, my relationship with alcohol and, for example, met with someone not that long ago and a family member and you know, just in my daughter, was there my youngest. And she’s like, well, let me buy you a birthday drink. It was my birthday. And I’m like, Yeah, I suppose. And I thought, I’m going to have a pop. And then I said, Well, are you going to have something? And she said, Yeah, I’ll get my, my usual or whatever. And she doesn’t drink that often. But and then I get up to the counter, and I’m ordering. And I’m like, I even told her a pop. I said what kind of pop in and then I changed my mind. But this dialogue is continuing in my head, like, Should I do it? Should I not do it? Like, what does this say about me? What does this say about you know, like, it was like, ridiculous like that I was torturing myself in this way. And I just thought, you know what, she’s buying me a birthday drink, it’s my birthday. I can drink, have a drink with my family member, and the world isn’t going to collapse around me, I am not a lesser person because of it. But I am consciously choosing to make this decision right now in this moment to share in a drink with my family member. And I’m gonna let that be okay.
Victoria Volk 23:10
And it’s just this continuous evolve of in conversation and dialogue with yourself to, to because I don’t want to go back to that to what that was right. And I’ve been in situations since you know, where I’m going out with friends and things and, and I have my limit now. Like, this is my limit. And I keep track I like you know, save the tabs, and I’m keeping track and I don’t want to lose my sense of agency. Because when I lose my sense of agency, it’s not me anymore. It’s not me anymore. And I want to be okay with me. And I want to show the world me, not who I am when I have five, six or seven. And I’m embarrassing myself and they’re getting a good laugh. Or I’m obnoxious or I’m funny, I get really funny, but sometimes stupid funny. You know, it’s it really is we become a different character. And I think we just need to get really comfortable with the character of of who we are. First and foremost. And so that’s been quite the journey for me. Yeah, that’s been kind of my experience with alcohol.
Dru Jaeger 24:31
Yeah, thank you. Thank you for sharing. Likewise, I’ve scribbled some things down, which I wanted to come back to. One of the things which struck me and it’s something which I’ve reflected on is how your how the experience of childhood loss isn’t just about the loss of that individual, but about all of the subsequent consequent loss of family and that feeling of family that He comes along with it. And some of that being, you know, natural change a sibling going away to college or going away to start a job somewhere else. But you know, life continues to change. But that, when that’s all framed from a childhood experience of I’ve, I’ve, I’ve lost something and I can’t control this, you do end up with a feeling that your family is falling apart around you. And then that sense of isolation that comes from that I’m the only person in this experience. But the thing that struck me so much about your experience of, of drinking and meeting people, my experience in my early 30s, of going out in London, and partying was this was all about rebuilding a sense of connection and wanting to feel a sense of belonging. And I really wrestled with the extent to when I continue to think about this, the extent to which my experience of childhood loss makes me different. I feel like I’m an outsider, you know, I looked in envy, people in their 40s Complaining about both of their parents. I’m like, I wish I had two parents to complain about only have one, drink is lovely. But you know, I, I feel different, I continue to hold that, that sense of feeling different, feeling isolated, feeling outside. And actually then, yeah, drinking became a way to create community and a sense of belonging around myself. And I, you know, even in this conversation, I’m beginning to see how much that has driven from this kind of core sense of isolation that I carried from my experience as a nine year old.
Victoria Volk 26:41
Now, what happens though, and I even wrote this down is that alcohol is then also very isolating. It is because within ourselves, right within ourselves, like we isolate, it’s, it becomes this block to intimacy. Because you can’t become have intimate conversations, and you can’t have deep content. I mean, you could, but they’re not going to be rich, and and you’re not going to remember them. Right? It becomes this block to enter intimacy. So it’s a false sense of community, I think, in a lot of ways.
Dru Jaeger 27:15
Yeah. I mean, I do say this to people, you know, when you think about alcohols, physiological effects on you, you know, the rush of warmth to your face, the feeling of looseness in your body, perhaps you kind of lean in more to others, you know, you get a bit louder, you get a bit, one of these kinds of things. Actually, our experience of drinking feels quite a lot like love, it’s hardly surprising that it gets wrapped up in the way that we create relationships, because many of the feelings that it gives us are exactly the feelings of intimacy that we want with others. But you’re absolutely right. You know, certainly, you know, that experience of hugging the toilet late at night, or even late earlier in the evening. You know, I noticed this now, when I’m out with people, and I’m not drinking, and they are, I begin to notice two or three drinks in, but conversations keep going around in circles. And I’m like, Tell me Tell me again, you told me like literally half an hour ago, but it’s still important to you. So I’ll listen once again. But you know, that kind of sense of I like my social connection is closing in on itself, and I am getting stuck. And I lose my sense of empathy. For others. I don’t, I’m not present for other people. I’m not really hearing them. I’m not building this conversation in a good way. I’m just repeating these little patterns over and over again to myself until I pass out. How is that building a sense of belonging? I mean, I thought that it was but you know, experience 10 years on, I see that it really doesn’t work that way.
Victoria Volk 28:47
Well, and again, it just highlights for people listening to. So when you meet someone in a bar, and you’re both intoxicated, and you think you’ve fallen in love. That’s why, you know, when the alcohol isn’t in the equation, oh, it’s really different than like different people. Right? Like it’s a different situation and different experience, because that level there is it’s a false sense of intimacy.
Dru Jaeger 29:14
Yeah. How do you find it now? If you are in social settings, and you are not drinking alcohol, how do you find the business of making connection and getting that sense of belonging with others.
Victoria Volk 29:27
I miss the connection. I miss it. I miss, you know, I still have fun, I can dance the night away and I don’t have to drink and that’s been many times but I find that there isn’t this sense of, of true connection, right of like you said, it’s like these looping conversations and and yeah, it doesn’t move. It doesn’t progress relationship forward. So if that’s the only time you’re with those people You know, it really is, again, false intimacy, in friendships and marriage if alcohol is a huge part of your marriage, you know, it’s Yeah, I have a bottle of wine in my fridge, I bought a bottle wine for New Year’s. And to for HUD, my husband and I to share and I’ve poured half a glass, the bottle is still in there. That’s how I know that I’ve transformed my relationship with alcohol because that thing would have been gone that night.
Dru Jaeger 30:38
Yeah, my my mid 30s Drinking self would be in utter wonder, the fact that somebody can keep an eye local bottle of wine in their house overnight. How and why would you do that? That seems the only
Victoria Volk 30:56
It’s possible. And what we were talking about before and I wanted to, this is what I want to circle back to is I want to ask you, and I want to get back to your story, too. But what are your thoughts on this all or nothing approach to being in a, you know, addiction recovery, like recovering in addiction and alcohol? And I don’t want to minimize or dismiss that people truly do lose their lives due to alcoholism. But yeah, what can you share? For my listeners, and yours, too, I suppose you know, your thoughts on that, because it’s come to my attention recently. And just really, I feel like it’s doing a disservice to a lot of people.
Dru Jaeger 31:39
Yeah, I suppose where I’d want to start is by being clear about a few things. One is, addiction is real. It is possible to find yourself in a compulsive out of control relationship with a substance which becomes all consuming to the point that you don’t know how to do anything else. Apart from Pursue your relationship with that substance. That’s a real phenomenon. It is also, however, a really complex phenomenon. It has my logical components, it’s got social components, it’s got psychological components, it’s a whole mixture of different things. It’s not one thing, and removing the substance doesn’t solve the problem. You know, if you are the kind of person who is has a compulsive relationship towards alcohol, it’s just happened for alcohol got in the way, when you were bringing all of those life challenges to the world. And alcohol helps solve some of those for you in a way which has got really messy and difficult and complicated. You found alcohol, another person might have found cocaine, or meth, or compulsive shopping, or dangerous compulsive sex or losing themselves in Facebook for days on end, or intensive gaming, there are all sorts of behaviors that we adopt as ways of soothing ourselves as well as a way to think better about themselves. For some of us, we’ve ended up wrestling with alcohol. Now, it’s important to say that alcohol has some properties, which means that we can become physically dependent on alcohol, alcohol withdrawal symptoms are unpleasant, at best, actively dangerous at worst. Alcohol is the only substance that can kill us. As we withdraw from it, you know, many other substances are deeply unpleasant to withdrawal from alcohol withdrawal can be fatal. If we experience fear, alcohol withdrawal symptoms. It’s really important that people don’t stop drinking suddenly, without medical support, if they think they may be dependent on alcohol physically dependent. So it’s got these two components. We’ve got this all this psychological stuff with all this physical stuff. And it is complicated. One of the other things that we know, though, and we know this from the research, is that the story that we’ve heard, that once you’re in that relationship with alcohol, the only thing that you can safely do is to stop forever. What we actually know is that that isn’t true. It’s a really it is a solution. For some people, I need to be completely clear about that there will be some people, particularly if you have a history of severe mental ill health. If you have been significantly physically dependent on alcohol, and have needed support to stop, it’s probably safest that you just don’t drink. You can build a very happy life that doesn’t center on alcohol at all, where you just push it out of the picture, but that’s not going to be true for everyone. There are very few long term studies about what happens to people’s drinking habits over time. But the one which I think is really interesting in this regard, it’s called the Birmingham untreated heavy drinkers. As project, it’s a bit of research that was conducted in the UK in the early 2000s, where basically, a group of 500 people who were drinking very heavily were followed for a decade untreated, with no intervention, just to see what happened. At the end of those 10 years, they had kept in touch with about 250 people. And they found something really interesting. So about 70% of those people were still drinking at dangerous and damaging levels. That should be unsurprising, right? People who are wrestling with alcohol, a decade on are still going to be in that same position. 10% of people had found their ways, just through their own effort to being completely alcohol free, they had decided that life beyond alcohol was going to work for them, and they’d stopped drinking completely 20% of those people were drinking within safe limits 20%, they were twice as likely to find a way to moderation than they were to complete abstinence. And the reality is that that is if that’s true, just through the natural progression of our relationship with alcohol, it puts puts paid to a couple of myths. One is that alcoholism is progressive, that it only gets worse, we know that that’s not true for 30% of that group, they found a way a decade on to find a relationship where alcohol was only marginally present or wasn’t present at all. It didn’t necessarily get worse. But it also gets paid to the idea that abstinence is the only answer 20% of those people have found a way to moderate consumption of alcohol with no intervention and no support at all. That’s where they ended up. So I think that’s a really, I think that’s really hopeful for people actually, because one of the things I know from my work with individuals is that people can become overwhelmed by two things. One is the idea that I can never drink. And the idea is that I can never drink again, at all forever, the forever thing and the not at all things can be really scary for people. Now, it might be that that is the right thing for you, and you should push towards that. But it also might not be the right thing for you. I’m a real believer in helping people find a relationship with alcohol, that works for them. Not what anyone else says is the right thing to do. You know, so if your relationship with alcohol looks like having an occasional celebratory toast, because a member of your family wants to buy you a drink and include you in that moment. And you can do that from a place of conscious intention. And that isn’t going to then lead into a spiral and continuing to drink. I think, go for it. You know, you may have had a troubled relationship with this substance in the past, but your past doesn’t have to define your future. You know, that’s as much as we know, from the world of grief as anything else, you know, I have these experiences that lead me to this moment, I can begin to make conscious decisions about how my life plays out from this point. So yeah, does that answer the question? Now? I can go on on this subject for literally hours, so probably best to cut me off.
Victoria Volk 38:10
No, I know, I it was perfect. I absolutely love that. And, you know, I think to what I guess what I’m wondering too is, or what I want to share too is how the grief evolved for both of us. Right? And how we, because I think childhood grief, obviously, as a child, and you experienced grief or trauma because I was also molested after my father passed away. It wasn’t just that one grief experience. And then, you know, your life becomes a train wreck later, it’s you, I’m assuming to you had many grief experiences along the way, because grief is cumulative. And it’s cumulatively negative and just what you were saying how so many of us resort to these behaviors to feel better. We call them in Grief Recovery to call them disturbs short term energy relieving behaviors. So whether it is shopping or gambling or, or alcohol. We find ourselves trying to replace something within us with that thing, so that we can feel better. Yeah, and I know what’s true for me is you can look back, right because I’m I’m in my early 40s It’s I’m 35 years out from my loss, but it you can look back and see how that grief evolves with you over through the years and over time. It’s it is something that you take with you. It’s not something you just put in a shoe box and put it on the shelf and forget about it. You can try you can try. And so my question for you is what what was that like to unpack all of that grief in that moment of awareness that you had what when was that and what what led to that Out of all this is my grief that’s really at the heart of all of this.
Dru Jaeger 40:05
I don’t think that has been one moment. I think it’s been an evolving conversation with myself. I remember, I was reflecting on this earlier, I remember this moment when I was around 18 years old, and I suddenly realized that I had been alive for longer. Without my mom that I had been with my mom, that was a moment for me. You know, there was a moment when I became the age that she was when she died. There was an age when my son turned nine years old. You know, these big kind of transitional life moments, I’m living through one of those right now. Actually, my, my dad, who’s in his late 70s, is downsizing from big house into a one bedroom apartment. Just really good for him. It’s exactly what he needs. new lease of life, you know, big house has gone out of control. But one of the things that’s come up through that is, I came across in helping him clear out, I came across a couple of drawers of my mom’s belongings, things that she’d held on to I found my weight record, from my first year of life. Whether health visitor wrote down, I was a big baby, write down how big I was, you know, her jewelry box, her little collection of clay figurines, even her wedding dress and veil, these belongings left behind. And I had this conversation with my dad. And I asked him about these things, you know, we had a conversation, and I said to him, you put these away because you didn’t know what to do with them. Did anyone know? I didn’t know. But I didn’t want to throw them away. And you know, so now, that’s an active problem that I have now inherited, you know, the, there are these belongings, there are these things which belong to my mom, which are, you know, tangible connections with her life. And now, what do I do with them? You know, how do I how do I honor these keepsakes? How do I you know, it feels like, you know, bits of a shipwreck washing up on the shore of my life. And now my job is what do I make of this, you know, I don’t want it to drift back into the sea and be forgotten, I want to make something of, of these things which have come to me, one of the things which has come to me is actually all of the letters of condolence that my dad received in the wake of my mom’s death. And that feels like the most extraordinary gift because I’m in a kind of a historical way, I’ve now got all of this third party evidence of the kind of person that my mom was, you know, one of the things which I’ve really felt, as this sense of loss through my life, is that when my mom died, I was nine years old, she was a bigger person who gave me hugs and was talking to me and cooked dinner. But she wasn’t a human being yet. So I don’t have any connection with my mom as I would with another adult, I don’t know who she was, you know, I don’t know what she was interested in, or the kinds of things that motivated her or what her personality was like, or all of these kinds of things. And now I’ve got this treasure trove of third party witness of who she was the impact that she had on people and that feels like an extraordinary gift. And then I got other things, what do I do with a wedding dress? You know, I see what I do with a wedding dresses. Now I look at it, I go, my mother was tiny. You know, I in my head, of course, nine year old self, she was an enormous human being. And her shoulder width is less than two thirds of mine, you know, she was a small person, it’s given me this whole new perspective on areas. So as a human so it’s not. It’s there’s not been one moment it’s been it’s an ongoing thing. You know, and, and this business of bringing my mom’s possessions from my dad’s house has been really hard. I’ve cried a lot about this whole situation over the past few months. It’s really difficult, but I’ve also then got to have conversations with my sister to say, look at these things, which I’ve found. What are we going to do now? You know, and that’s been a really good thing, as well
Victoria Volk 44:46
As an open up a dialogue between your father and yourself.
Dru Jaeger 44:50
It has in a way I think it’s I it has in a way you know, he’s never we’re never going to be able to have that conversation, you know, the conversation that I would long to have. I’ve tried, you know, I’ve tried it, it’s never going to happen. But actually, being able to acknowledge this is our shared experience. These are things that you’ve been holding, because you didn’t know what to do with them. And now I can do my best for care for those things. I can talk to you about what I’m doing with these things, you know, that that’s something you know, and I that’s so far, you know, it seems like such a small thing. But it’s such a massive step on from where we have been in our lives of not being able to have that dialogue at all, I’m actually really, I’m actually really grateful for just that little bit of conversation that we’re able to have.
Victoria Volk 45:49
Well, and I imagine too, that your relationship with alcohol has been transformed. And it is what it is today, because had you still been in that in that phase of your life of using alcohol being this big part? You wouldn’t have the same feelings about these things. You may not even want to look at them.
Dru Jaeger 46:10
No, no, absolutely, I wouldn’t have the capacity to do it. I mean, for me, what what absolutely prompted my reflection that I needed to do something about my relationship with substances is that I had an experience at the end of my 30s of significant mental ill health. And in my recovery from that, I suddenly began to realize the extent to which alcohol and drugs didn’t help me, didn’t help me live well didn’t help me live with the complexity of my mental ill health I live with. I think you might politely say a wider range of emotional experience is typical. And, yeah, alcohol and alcohol and drugs, absolutely. Don’t help me be in good relationship with myself and with other people. And when I drink and take drugs, I can act in ways which are actively damaging to myself and to others. And I don’t want to perpetuate that. I want to, I want to learn to be okay with being me, even in those moments when I’m not okay. And so yeah, absolutely. You know, I’ve had long periods of not drinking at all. I do you drink very occasionally. But literally months can go by drinking is not part of my everyday experience at all it is I’ve become, you know, the you know, the grandmother who has a glass of sherry at Christmas, I’ve become her that’s that’s my drinking style. Now, you know, it’s high days and holidays. Anyway, ways which enhance life and add value and meaning to specific situations, not because I love what you said about, it’s not, when it’s not you that makes the choice, but alcohol that makes a choice for you. And that is very much my experience of drinking. Now, it is always me that makes the choice, you know, and it’s always about drinking slowly enough, so I can appreciate and savor this situation not plowing on to the next drink, because I haven’t given myself time to feel the effects of the drink that I’ve already drunk. So now it’s very occasional, you know, my my story that I tell, you know that the moment where I chose to have a drink was actually my son’s 21st birthday. I went to the pub with my son and my brother. And I definitely always said I had two alcohol free drinks. My first round I bought, I bought myself something alcohol free, my brother bought me an alcohol free beer. And then my son on his 21st birthday, offered to buy me a drink. And I had a pint of Chandi. And you know, I had a tiny amount of alcohol. And I got a little bit giggly because I got zero tolerance for alcohol these days. So what happens when he stopped drinking, and we had a really lovely evening and it added value. And it’s something that I, I really treasure that memory, hell, it was really special and special. For me, it was special for him to be able to share that with me, and it made that situation better. And I am not going to feel the made to feel guilty about that. It was a good thing that happened. And I think, particularly for those of us who have a moderate relationship with alcohol. In fact, somebody challenged me about this a little while ago I was I was wrestling with a particular situation in which I drunk and I told them the whole story and they said to me, so what you’re telling me is you had a very clear intention about how you were going to be in a particular situation. You made some decisions and plans in advance about what your alcohol consumption was going to look like. You stuck to that you revise those plans as you were going along. You looked after yourself. You came out on under experience the following morning, having an added value to that situation waking up without a hangover. What on earth do you have to feel guilty about? Yeah, you’re absolutely right. This is a situation these are not stories about things which have gone wrong. These are stories about things which have gone right. And we should celebrate them.
Victoria Volk 50:11
I love that reframe. I love that I just I love how you said, I love that. Yeah, I’m not going to forget that truly, you know, because what can happen is when people say something to you, when they believe that, you know, you, you committed to not drinking and you weren’t going to quit, or you were going to quit cold turkey or whatever it’s been however many days or months or weeks, whatever. And then you have a drink. It’s like, Oh, I thought You thought you quit? And then you feel that guilt or that shame within you. Right? And so I think if it’s just exactly what you said, there is no guilt or shame if it’s coming from a conscious awareness and intention.
Dru Jaeger 50:47
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Can I ask you some grief related questions? Because at least you know, for people listening to this on the club side podcast, as you know, some basics around grief that I think would be really helpful for people to hear, you know, I’ve talked about my own experience, I’m almost 40 years on from the death of my mom. And realizing grief doesn’t get fixed. You know, it’s not I can’t go back in time and make these things which happened to me not have happened, I have to live with the consequences of that loss long term. And I wonder what practical tips and suggestions if you got either for somebody in a situation like mine, when you’re coming into a fresh awareness of loss earlier in life, or if you are in the midst of experiencing grief right now? How can people care for themselves through this?
Victoria Volk 51:45
Well, you bring up a good point in what you said earlier, you have an urge to fix your grief. And my I would challenge that and say was it to fix your grief or to fix yourself? Because often when we feel like we are out of control in our grief, or once we have an awareness, first of all, I think you have to have an awareness that the really deep rooted issue is your grief or trauma from especially in childhood because Childhood Adulthood is childhood reenactments. So if we had, would have developed a relationship, like let me backpedal. If you’ve had grief or trauma as a child, and it was never communicated to you, and it wasn’t emulated for you what healthy grieving was, you will create your own method, you will create your own stories. And you’ll those stories and those patterns and those ways to cope with what you’re feeling. Become your beliefs about how to process or not process your grief. And so we carry those lessons, whether they’re self created, because we’re children, we’re imaginary, right? We have wonderful imaginations, those will follow us into adulthood will will rely on what we know. And what we know. And what we learn often are those things that you said, keep busy and to grieve alone. Don’t talk about your feelings, because it upsets me, right? You know, if you would have talked about your mother around your father, would he have gotten upset well, then you learn why don’t want to upset dads, I’m just not going to talk about it. Because when I do, it makes him sad. And I don’t want to make him sad. And so as children, we just That’s how, why so many children appear to be okay. That’s why so many people say children are resilient, because they see these children and they outwardly, especially if they are the type of child who became like myself a wallflower, who didn’t speak unless spoken to who was very shy, who’s very much in their own head. And that’s just how I’m wired. I’m more in my head. Or you can be a child that really is just craving love and attention and you act out or you, you know, are an angry child. And so you act out. It can look like many different things in children grief. So I think it is first addressing that grief is the issue. And then surrounding yourself with people who are not where you’re at. Because you’re not going to move forward, you’re not going to see that there’s hope. You’re not going to feel like you’re progressing. If you’re surrounding yourself with people who are stuck in their own misery. Neil they say misery loves company. Surround yourself with people who are going to who are proponents of growth who are moving along and in their own personal development and who’ve maybe experienced similar losses as you doesn’t have to be But can bring a different perspective of, of loss from their experience, because I think too, and sharing stories with each other, we learned so much. And it’s a lot of why the reason why I started my podcast, I wanted people to have an understanding that grief just isn’t about death. And the reason why it feels like a shipwreck, and you’re feeling all these feelings is because it was the loss of hopes, dreams and expectations. For many years, you didn’t have your mom, it’s things that you wish would have been different, better or more. And so that’s grief. That’s just this reminder of what you didn’t have. And so it’s we kind of feel crazy. As we’re going through all of this as children into adulthood, and it makes you feel grief, just it’s you feel like you’re on a different planet. And especially as children, I think you’ve that’s where you kind of feel different, right? Because I didn’t know anybody who was going through what I was going through, and nobody knew what to say or do. So they did nothing. And so it’s also that indifference that again, I created my own stories. I pees in the ground, he’s, he’s dead. There’s nothing else. Nobody talked to me and said, You know what, you can still talk to him, you can still keep this relationship going in a healthy way and have it feel that connection. It was like, Nope, he’s gone. That’s it.
Dru Jaeger 56:33
Yeah and so powerful that you say that because my experience was, it wasn’t until I was 31 years old. And a very good friend supported me to go to the public records office to see my mother’s death certificate. It wasn’t until I was 31 years old, that I let go of the idea that she was coming back. I mean, I look back at that. And I’m just, yeah, I’m just in wonder that I held on to that hope for as long as I did, I just wasn’t reconciled to a very fundamental fact of death for so long. But what you say about, you know, people not knowing what to do, and doing nothing. I absolutely lived through that, you know, that making up my own stories about what had happened. And I’m gonna make sense of this experience the best way that I can. One of the other things which I reflect on as well as I had experienced couple of years ago, when my father was really unwell, he was admitted to hospital quite suddenly. And I found myself in the car park sitting in my sitting in my van outside, how will end with tears, because I didn’t have another way of expressing my fear of loss. And my fear of grief, it was just it was I was reenacting my nine year old self. And that, you know, actually came as a massive shock to me to go, okay, there is this fundamental core here, of this grief that I’m carrying around that I need to be in better relationship with, I need to understand better I need to find different ways to confront the reality and my fear of death. And do that in ways which helped me live life well, rather than being in retreat from it all the time.
Victoria Volk 58:36
Yeah. I think too, like just looking at, you know, looking when we’re thinking about, like, the practical things of dealing with grief, I think it’s looking at your behaviors, and asking yourself to that question, like, Am I doing this to avoid? Am I doing this to distract myself? Am I doing this? Because, you know, whether it’s keeping busy or replacing the loss, that’s another myth of grief is you know, so often, as children, we’re often taught, you know, if you lose a pet, that’s okay, we’ll go get another one. And you do you get another pet and never really addressing the loss of the first pet. That’s generally speaking, the first loss that many children experience and that’s an opportunity for parents to really show and emulate what it’s how to grieve and that it’s okay to not be okay. You know, you don’t have to mask and say you’re I’m fine you know, that’s so many people say that I’m fine. How are you? I’m fine. And in Grief Recovery, say fine as feelings inside not expressed. And so like you just said you didn’t know how to express it. You didn’t have the tools to know what to do with all of that. And it can be so overwhelming. It just feels so overwhelming. And so like you said to have compassion With yourself to know that it’s not going to happen overnight to be patient with yourself. My personal personal development journey started in 2014. And it was five years of me trying to fix myself. Because I felt so screwed up. And there was nothing wrong with me, there was nothing that it needed to be fixed with me, I was just, I, all of that grief was just coming to the forefront, and I didn’t know what to do with it. You know, we’re taught how to acquire things and people, but we’re not taught what to do when we lose them.
Dru Jaeger 1:00:34
Yeah, Yeah, it’s so interesting to say about that, you know, that spending time trying to fix yourself. And then realizing this is really much more about self acceptance. I mean, to be completely clear in the context of alcohol or changing a relationship with a substance, there are things to learn, you know, learning how to say no learning how to stop learning how to socialize without alcohol, learning how to be in relationship with others. Without alcohol, there are real practical skills to learn. But those skills are not the same as addressing what is the core reasons which are driving me to using alcohol as a way of solving the solving these problems in the first place. There will be a moment and most people will experience this when you’re changing your relationship with alcohol or another substance, where it suddenly gets a lot worse, all of a sudden, because you’re suddenly confronted by some of the reasons that you were drinking in the first place. And being brave at that moment, reaching out for support, beginning to talk about these are the things which have hurt me, this is the pain that I’m carrying, this is the challenge that I’m facing, I would have used alcohol to mask this or numbers or try and make it go away. But I want to find other ways of coping other ways of living? Well, I think as a really, there are these moments of realization where you go, I have to find a different way of being in the world, which doesn’t revolve around a substance which shuts everything up, but actually is about listening to myself and all of my experience and honoring.
Victoria Volk 1:02:07
Yeah, and finding those people that you resonate with that will be in with you through to the end, right? Because you’re gonna lose people along the way. And that’s more grief, right? You’re gonna lose people, and that’s more grief. So you really do need support in that way and being and have the discernment of, it’s not just going to be anybody, like not just anybody can. Because what happens is too, like in relationship, we all bring our stuff to the relationship. And so it’s having that discernment of, you know, maybe surrounding yourself with people who are a little further along than you. They don’t have to be at the end game. But just a little bit further than you.
Dru Jaeger 1:02:52
Yeah, absolutely. It’s one of the reasons that the club soda community exists to be frank is that, you know, creating that space for people to make connections with other people who are going through the process of change, just like they are. And you know, it’s your right doesn’t need to be somebody. In fact, in some ways, somebody who’s 10 years on and has got everything sorted out, is such an unattainable ideal of a person that you may feel no connection with them at all, somebody who’s three or four steps ahead of you who can go, don’t trip over that route in the path, you know, don’t trip over that crack in the pavement, because they’ve just missed it themselves. That person can have real value to your journey of change. I wonder whether we can kind of shift into a last little bit of conversation, which is to talk about how people can connect with us if they want to do that. If they want to carry on these conversations either about grief or about alcohol. Why don’t you go first, Victoria, tell us about where people can connect with you.
Victoria Volk 1:03:53
Yeah, my website has all the links to all the things theunleashedheart.com. My podcast link is on there grieving voices, it’s everywhere podcasts are available. And I have a program called do grief differently. And it’s 12 weeks, working one on one with me and we deep dive into I mean, we didn’t even get into values and how people dishonor their values. And like there’s so so much we could talk about Oh, so much. We could talk for two more hours, I’m sure but because I have a lot to say on the topic of grief. But But yeah, there’s I free resources on there as well. So energy quiz. I’m a Reiki Master. So I also offer Reiki and kind of dabble in several different things, but all in the sphere of grief and energy healing, so
Dru Jaeger 1:04:42
fabulous. From my perspective, joinclubsoda.com is the starting point entry point into Class loader world. We’ve got advice on choosing alcohol free drinks. We’re all about helping you create and sustain change. So we’ve got two in depth programs that can help one called How to Drink mindfully and one called how to stop drinking, they come with lessons that you can work through your own pace. But really importantly, they come with a supportive community of people who are going through the process alongside you, I run weekly face to face workshops. So we talk about all sorts of different things. And then we’re about creating connections. So we’ve got a big Facebook group, we’ve a little telegram group around our courses, we run real world events, festivals, other ways to meet other people who are shifting and changing their relationship with alcohol, whether they are taking a break or cutting down or stopping completely. We are all in this together. That’s a really important thing for us that we don’t do black and white thinking about alcohol. If you are interested in changing a relationship with alcohol, even drinking one drink less, then there is space for you in the club soda community. So yeah, join Club Soda calm, is where all the good stuff happens. Love it. Thank you so much for this conversation, I have learned so much I have so many notes to go and reflect on and so many things to think about, but really, really so insightful and useful. And thank you for sharing your story. So honestly, and for the work that you do, in supporting people to live well with the grief that they carry. It matters so much. I really appreciate it.
Victoria Volk 1:06:16
Likewise, Dru, I think what you’re doing for just the example of it’s not all or nothing for everybody in that there’s a space for people who just want to bring some more mindfulness to their relationship with alcohol and it is it is a relationship. So thank you for the work that you’re doing to
Dru Jaeger 1:06:34
Mutual love first. Shares thanks so much.
Victoria Volk 1:06:39
Thank you, from my heart to yours. Thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you’re hurting know that what you’re feeling is normal and natural. Much love my friend.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | Self-Love Through Grief
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
When you’re in a place of self-loathing, self-love likely won’t come naturally and will be challenging to prioritize and do. However, when grieving, self-love must be a non-negotiable aspect of grieving to grieve well.
In this week’s episode, I cover the eight dimensions of wellness courtesy of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMH), which collectively address our whole well-being. These aren’t areas that need to be addressed all at the same time. However, small shifts can equal significant gains by integrating even small changes into your life. And, over time, these small shifts will be cumulative (just as grief is cumulative) and progressively move you in a positive direction and create momentum that way.
Grief impacts every area and aspect of our lives; our ability to make money, physical health, regulate emotionally, spirituality, intellectual capacities, social interactions, home, and work environments, and how we view and function in our occupations. It behooves us to look at these areas more closely and see what small steps we can take to improve the situation and, in turn, our lives.
By taking steps to shift our lives in these eight areas, we are demonstrating the best kind of love we can give ourselves during grief experiences and other challenging times – love of self. Because when we make ourselves (and these aspects of ourselves) a priority, everyone wins.
RESOURCES:
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- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief, free resources are available HERE.
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Grieving Voices 100th Episode
Today is a very special episode because this is my 100th episode. And that’s not including the trailer. Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with me if you’ve been listening for a while. And if you’re new to the podcast, I hope you stick around. I just had in the last week, I think seven or eight applications beyond March 2023. I can go into June, y’all. I mean, this has been the most fun experience. I’m so glad I started this podcast. I’ve connected with so many people, amazing people with sometimes heart-wrenching stories, oftentimes heart-wrenching stories, but also stories of underdogs who have somehow picked themselves up and made a choice in a decision to forge ahead. Onward and upward. I’ve always loved underdog stories. I’m you know Steve Hartman. Have you ever listened and listened to this you have caused me so many tears over the years, his stories just seem to like pull at my heartstrings. And so to the stories of my guests, and so 100 episodes, thank you, thank you to the guests. Thank you to your listeners. And I am more driven to continue with this podcast than I’ve ever been. If I could do two episodes a week, which I know I easily would have the content to do so. And the guest to do so. I would but at this time in my life, that’s not an option for me. Perhaps someday it would be or perhaps if I monetize or get this podcast, monetized, that may be an option. But for now, that is not the case. So anyway, 100 episodes, thank you for being here. It’s been a journey. And if you’re a podcaster out there listening to this, you know how difficult and how challenging it can be to get to 100 episodes, it takes conviction, it takes consistency.
And for most of us who are doing this out of a labor of love, it really just takes devotion and love. And every week I pour my love into this. I call it a project that really is a project of my life. And I’m very much enjoying this really I do truly enjoy this podcast. Otherwise, we won’t be here. 100 episodes and right. This is an extra special episode because it is also my son’s 17th birthday. His name is Xavier and my only son. I do have two daughters as well younger than him but he is my only son. And it’s a very special birthday because there was an episode A while back and I can put it in the show notes where I shared how things were pretty scary there for a while for us and our son because he had had an accident, weightlifting and we’re just so very grateful and thankful and blessed that the things that happened happen the way they did and he’s still here with us and we can celebrate his birthday and really, truly celebrate his life and just even picking out his card in the aisle of the card aisle, I was moved to tears because knowing that there was that possibility that we may not have been celebrating his birthday. And so if you are a parent, squeeze those little ones are the big ones, like my husband tells our kids, even when you’re 50 years old, you still want a hug from you. So you’re just never too old for hugs. That’s how what my husband says. But I digress. This is a celebratory episode. And I think a perfect theme as well is that and I didn’t plan this.
And so this is why it’s a little different to this week is there’s actually two episodes back to back with guests, which is what I used to do. And then I just felt like each episode needed its own takeaways and reflections because there are often very different topics and things that are shared and talked about that I’d like to dive deeper into. And I was just finding it was really difficult to do that between two episodes into one. So I switched up the format. And now I do a guest episode followed by takeaways. But if I had done that, then as takeaways episode wouldn’t have been the 100 and the 100th. And I wanted it to be the 100th episode. So I did switch it up this time, because it’s my podcast, and I can do that. But I didn’t plan this.
Takeaways from Episode 98 Amy Metcalf and Episode 99 Wayne Forrest
And what I didn’t plan was that both Amy Metcalf from Episode 98 Don’t abandon me shared the same sentiments as Wayne Forrest from Episode 99. That is what their grief taught them. And both of them said, my grief taught me to love myself. Now, I can probably say the same thing to be honest, because I first really worked through my grief within the last three years. It’s still very fresh in my memory, how I was feeling before I addressed my grief. And I am daily reminded of how different I feel today than I did more than three years ago, I really do think that when we’re deep in grief and fear feeling sorrowful, and incomplete emotionally, with relationships in our lives, whether the person is dead or alive, there isn’t room for love for ourselves. There isn’t room for that love. And for many children growing up in homes of chaos grief and trauma and just a lot of disruption and negativity and lack and victim mindset and all of those things. There isn’t room for self-love in those environments either. And so what I’m really finding is that most people, and I could probably dig up a lot of the notes that I’ve taken for the guests over the past over. Well, June will be oh my gosh, yeah, next month will be two years I’ve been doing this podcast, and I can guarantee you most people have shared that loving themselves was a challenge. They just didn’t know how but when you neglect yourself and you’re just kind of living, not really thriving. And you one day realize that that’s not what you want for the rest of your life. It really does take radical self-love to climb yourself out of that pit and think about self-love and what I wanted to share in this episode today.
It goes deeper than just taking bubble baths or a walk in nature or even just taking time for yourself. It’s more than that. It’s so much deeper than that. And you know, when you’re in a place of self-loathing, self-love can be really challenging. It can be overwhelming to you even the thought of what that even looks like and when you feel like you’re just your life is kind of going off the rails where do you even begin? And so I really wanted to provide some tangible things that you can do and look at in your life when it comes to self-love. And these are things that I found myself doing over time. And not all at once. And so when I was thinking about what I wanted to share about self-love, what came to mind were was The eight dimensions of wellness essentially called The Wheel of Life, The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, or SAMHSA for short, have a wellness initiative that pledges to promote wellness for those with behavioral health conditions by motivating individuals, organizations and communities to take action, and work toward improved quality of life, heart health and increased years of life. Now, when I read that promoting wellness, for those with behavioral health conditions embodies a whole lot of things. But I would say that grief really falls into that because grief impacts our behaviors, grief impacts our health, and it actually impacts all of these eight dimensions of wellness, that SAMHSA talks about. And so I really want to dive into each of these ones by one, because I think they’re important. And I truly believe that this information is a good starting point for someone who doesn’t know where to start. And so when we focus on the certain areas and then focus even further on each of those are something that we can do today, what we feel is aligned with who we are in each of these different dimensions, we can start to see progress and we can start to climb out of that pit. Let’s dive in. And the first one I’m going to tackle is not well actually I’m gonna list them all first.
The Eight Dimensions of Wellness or The Wheel of Life
- Emotional Wellness– it’s the ability to cope effectively with life and create satisfying relationships. Emotional wellness, involves being able to cope effectively with the difficulties of life, grief included and being emotionally aware, and having healthy relationships with yourself and others. And people with healthy emotional wellness are confident, have control over their feelings and behavior, and have good coping mechanisms for dealing with difficult situations, such as grief, and also building resiliency allows us to overcome the hurdles in life. Again, grief included, and so emotional wellness includes having healthy relationships, being able to ask for help, and being resilient, which is a word that kind of rubs me the wrong way a little bit because we don’t choose resiliency, I think resiliency is something we become being aware of your feelings, expressing your feelings to people you trust, seeking support with upsetting emotions, learning your strengths, working on things you want to improve the ability to express a wide range of emotion, emotions, such as happiness, sadness, anger, joy, fear, frustration, gratitude, and developing assertiveness and having a positive self-image. Now, I will say that the Grief Recovery method for me personally addressed all of these, every single one of these things that I mentioned, helped me to understand myself better and ultimately, really gain emotional control of the emotional disturbances in my life, I became more emotionally. What’s the word aware? I suppose in a lot of ways, yes. I just feel like my personal experience. I just didn’t understand the highs and the lows. And I think sometimes too, we can mistake these highs and these lows, especially the lows for depression when really, it’s grief. It’s grief that’s been unaddressed and it’s cumulative. And it’s years and years of grief that’s just been swept under the rug. And so I think for a lot of people that can appear like depression, and we can have bouts of depression. I’m not dismissing that and there’s also clinical depression too. However, I think that if we nip it in the bud, you If we can catch those symptoms early, the earlier the better, of course, but I will say that it’s never too late either.
- Spiritual Wellness – And it’s about having a sense of purpose and meaning in life that revolves around your personal beliefs and values. spiritual health can involve a connection with nature, self-reflection, meditation, prayer, and being spiritual, healthy means you have strong values, a feeling of inner peace, and meaning in life. spiritual wellness includes making time for activities that enhance your sense of connection to yourself, nature, and others. And one thing I’ll say about making time for activities that enhance your connection to yourself in grief, we are often so disconnected, that we become disconnected from ourselves. And we also become disconnected from others because of that disconnection from ourselves. And so spirituality can really be a gateway into moving through your grief. And that was actually my personal experience. Having a relationship, healthy relationship with nature, discovering your values, principles, and beliefs. I mentioned that being part of a like-minded community, helping those who are in need, accepting others for who they are having a greater purpose, exploring your personal values, searching for meaning for your life, and being aware of how your values may differ from others, religious or otherwise spiritual activities and practices, taking time for yourself and embracing silence and solitude. And it’s really difficult in grief, to embrace the silence and the solitude sometimes, because often when we are alone with our thoughts and our feelings, it can be very overwhelming and very uncomfortable. And so that’s why we often well, deep in grief, or any other strong emotion, that is deemed as negative, and I’ll put that in air quotes because even anger is a valid emotion, we try to numb out or dismiss or kind of forget that we’re having those feelings and so we distract ourselves
- Intellectual Wellness – which is about exercising the mind, learning new things, and expanding upon one’s knowledge and skills, being intellectually healthy can help you with mental growth, which helps with your concentration, memory, and critical thinking skills. And anyone who is grieving can tell you, that those things pretty much go out the window. So this is not something that you’re going to tackle. Everyone’s timeline is different, right? But this is not something that you’ll likely tackle. In the first few years even after a loss, a devastating loss, or a grief experience. I think this is something that naturally will develop over time, and likely, when you first start to honestly I think there’s sometimes people a lot of griever say, it’s like, you wake up one day, and you just feel like the sun has come out. And you might have some of those here and there. But when you can wake up and you feel like the sun is truly out, you’ve kind of gotten to the lighter, the lighter side where things don’t feel as heavy, where you can talk about what happened, or about the person or the loss and it’s not debilitating you it doesn’t take you back to the pain of the experience of the pain of the relationship. And that really is the difference that you know when you’re starting to heal is you can talk about it not like it’s a recipe card. That’s really dismissive that’s an I get a sense of dismissing when I hear people talk about things like it’s a recipe, it really is, sharing the story, but connecting with the feeling of it. Yeah, I felt like that at that time. But you know what, I’m feeling really good. I feel healthy in all kinds of ways. If you’re articulating it differently than how you used to, then you know, you’re making real progress in that intellectual wellness area. And so intellectual wellness includes using your creative abilities, exercising critical thinking skills, being a lifetime learner, and engaging in books, articles, or other content that interests you. Exploring public or community events, focusing on your skills and learning new ones, being able to develop analyze problem-solving more, and challenging yourself mentally with games, puzzles, or even learning a new instrument can be one of those, and also having a positive self-image which often in grief goes out the window, you feel like a hot mess, you probably look like one too, and your confidence is just kind of down the toilet. Again. I just I mentioned that because grief just takes over every aspect of our lives, including our self-image.
- Physical Wellness – which involves eating a healthy diet getting enough sleep during your regular physical activity, and preventing and managing illness and health conditions not being physically healthy can lead to numerous health problems and diseases. We all know this and developing a healthy lifestyle and making healthy choices will improve your overall wellness. Obviously healthy behaviors that we all know are getting regular exercise, feeling comfortable with your body, seeing your doctor regularly, keeping your blood pressure at the optimal level, eating healthy food, and being aware of how sleep and stress affect you. That’s including grief, making your own choice about your physical health, stress reduction, developing healthy habits, seeking medical care when appropriate, being responsible with alcohol, cigarettes, and other substances, taking any medications prescribed by your doctor, and understanding how your body works. And again, like in grief, you probably will need a lot more sleep than you used to. Because grief is exhausting. It’s taxing on the body, both mind and spirit in all of these areas, it’s taxing on the body. So it’s giving yourself that grace, which is self-love. Accept where you are that day. And it is often day by day, one day you might feel like going to a yoga class, and then the next you might feel like just taking a nap both are okay, like that you don’t need anyone’s permission to take a nap. I personally don’t nap I never have. But I have noticed because I know when I’m paying attention to my body. Now when I’m pushing, pushing, pushing, and I can forget when enough is enough I can I have actually taken a nap in the past three months, there was one day where I just succumbed to the nap, which I never do. But when you become more in tune with your body and how your body operates and what it needs, honor that, listen to that intuition, and give that to your body that is self-love. And you know, often with caregivers and caretakers, this is a really difficult hurdle, because where is the time? Where do you take the time for yourself? And then when you do get that time, which is maybe not a lot? How do you want to spend it? Do you want to spend it exercising? Most people may not. But you can actually combine several of these things. If you go walk by the river, you’re out in nature, you’re that’s feeding your spiritual body if you’re listening to a podcast that inspires and uplifts you, or teaches you something new that’s working your intellectual health, and you’re working your physical health by walking. So you can actually tackle many of these areas at one time just by thinking a little bit creatively about what will serve you the most if you do have just a little bit of time.
- Environmental Wellness– which refers to being in a nurturing and healthy environment, as well as having awareness and respect for the environment around us the environment around you can greatly impact how you feel, I always say quite often, actually, that we are products of our environment as children. And it really truly is important as adults to recognize how those environments have impacted us have formed the beliefs that we have. And by challenging those beliefs, you find your truth by creating an environment as an adult, that is one of support that feels good to be in is going to serve you greatly when the challenges do come. And when grief does enter the room because it will it just it will. It’s inevitable. And so the environment around you can greatly impact how you feel. For example, people who live in countries that have a lot of rain and cloudy days might suffer from seasonal depression, which affects their emotional health and social health, spiritual health possibly even more. I live in North Dakota, which is what do we have like? It starts snowing in October, and November, often we’ve had snow for Halloween so and it’s usually pretty cold. But the clouds start to settle in November for sure. Usually, and it doesn’t end until probably April. So almost half the year we are in bitter cold temps, cloudy days and it is stuck indoors. I mean, you’re not stuck indoors. I mean you can go outside and we do have some sunny days in the winter. But it’s not uncommon for people in this area to have vitamin D deficiency. You know, people in the northern hemisphere often have vitamin D deficiency. And what I’ve learned is that vitamin D deficiency is actually linked to pancreatic cancer and people of European descent do have higher rates of pancreatic cancer. And they found that it’s linked to vitamin D deficiency. So it’s very important to think about your environment and where you live and how it is impacting your health and well-being. I personally cannot wait until I am a snowbird when my kids are all gone, and we can go south somewhere warmer for the winter. That is definitely my goal in my life. So environmental wellness includes making sure your home is decluttered spending time outside, maybe if it includes using eco-friendly products or recycling, if that’s in your area, having a peaceful home environment, involvement in the community, and being aware of how you might contribute to pollution. For some people, that’s a huge factor or a deep concern for environmental awareness, and being aware of climate change and how human beings impact the environment.
- Financial Wellness – refers to being financially literate in charge of your finances and responsible with your money, struggling with finances, and having an unsettled financial situation is a problem that can cause a lot of stress to you in the family grief. I mean, how often do losses occur and the person didn’t have the financial means to even pay for their own funeral or didn’t have life insurance. These are things that impact everybody. Because if you don’t have that nest egg or that life insurance to cover your expenses someone’s paying for that really, I mean in grief impacts our financial situation anyway, because if you’re a caregiver, you got medical bills, terminal illness, like all of that is a huge stressor for people sometimes, because grief impacts our productivity in our work, many places only offer like, say a week of vacation time that you can take when someone dies, let’s say it was your spouse and your spouse was the breadwinner, but you did work. And so you have to, you’re almost expected to return back to work and be as productive as you were before the loss occurred. And that’s just not realistic. And so I think companies need to be more supportive and aware of grief and loss, and the impact that it has on their employees and on the company as a whole. Because globally, grief impacts our economy by the billions of dollars. And so this is an important issue not just for the individual and their family, but also the community and when in where they work in the business that they are in, in the business itself and the businesses that those businesses are in business with this trickles down. So maintaining a budget and monitoring your spending, seeking out professional financial help if needed, exploring ways to save money, being financially responsible paying bills on time reviewing credit reports and bank statements being financially literate, as I mentioned, are things that probably won’t be happening right out of the gate, especially when a loss occurs. But you can prepare for challenges in life by doing these things today, I use Credit Karma. It’s free. It’s an app that helps you keep track of your credit score, it alerts you to things that might not be of your doing, you can kind of pinpoint well if a credit card was opened, and I know I didn’t open it, I can see that, you know, my credit card, credit score, dip, suddenly, that’s something to look into. And so it’s an easy way to track your financial health, as your credit health. So that’s one thing I use the auto deduction for savings, you can set up an auto deduct to put a certain amount even if it’s just 25 bucks a pay period to put into a little nest egg. There are all sorts of tips. I mean, you can probably Google financial tips, and you’ll find dozens and dozens of them. But it can be really difficult in grief to get a handle on this area of your life. But it’s really important because it does add stress.
- Occupational Wellness – involves having a fulfilling and enriching occupation, whether that be professional work or academic and a common cause of stress for many Americans and grief is that their jobs and the demands that come with them or that they’re in the wrong occupation altogether. Having a work-life balance is extremely important to overall health and wellness. So achieving this by having a job that you enjoy and are passionate about is very important. And it’s also important to have a positive work environment and be surrounded by people who support you and your goals. So taking personal satisfaction in your occupation, work-life balance, learning to communicate effectively with other people developing good work habits, exploring career opportunities, or volunteer opportunities that you’re passionate about setting career goals, learning mistakes, and moving forward, challenging societal expectations and fighting against barriers, especially, for example, barriers for women in the workplace, that can be a huge area of grief for a lot of women. I’ve recently had a couple of conversations with women whose podcast episodes won’t be airing for a while. But this was a topic of discussion. And especially if you’re a woman of color, which one of my guesses was and so it’s another facet of grief that is often not talked about but can have a huge impact on our lives. And when we’ve gone through a devastating loss or grief experience, we often are faced with our own mortality. And so we ask ourselves those questions like what do I want to be doing with my life? How do I want to spend the rest of my days on this earth and so often, we start questioning what we are doing with our lives, it is self-love to pursue, what that can look like for you to pursue what alignment looks like for you, I could do a whole episode just on alignment, I feel so aligned, sitting here recording this podcast right now. It feels good. It feels like it’s serving my soul and my spirit, it’s fulfilling to me, I feel like I’m giving something that can help people, and can have an impact and a positive impact. And I know that oftentimes, my episodes probably shake something up within the listener. And that’s good, too, because it opens you up to asking those deeper, bigger questions. And it’s in asking the questions that we discover deeper answers. And once you have an answer to something, once you know something, you can’t unknow it. And when that’s about yourself, the only thing left to do is to take action.
- Social Wellness – And that involves having a strong support network feeling connected to other people and having a sense of belonging, feeling isolated, lonely, or disconnected from others can lead to negative physical and mental health outcomes. This is where grief can be very isolating, and we don’t heal on an island. A lot of these that I’ve talked about already involve other people, we can’t do grief alone, you can but you’re not going to be very successful at overcoming the challenges that come with it, it’s going to be harder, longer, more challenging road and path for you. And so by addressing and looking at these various areas of wellness, little by little you can impact your own life and make these little changes, healthy relationships we make with family and friends are essential to our well-being. And so some of these things that you can do might include taking part in a club or a social group or volunteer group focus on maintaining social connections by keeping in touch and staying connected with others, being able to interact with a diverse group of people being aware of your impact in your community, understanding sex and gender roles and stereotypes surrounding them. Being able to draw boundaries with yourself and others having a strong support network of family, friends, coworkers, and peers, developing positive relationships, having good communication skills, and being able to reach out to others for support and ask for help when needed. And often in grief. When you’re looking for that person, to be your person, your heart with yours, it can be really difficult to have that be family or even sometimes close friends. It depends on the relationship, of course. But one of the things we talk about in Grief Recovery is typically that person that can be your heart with yours is someone that doesn’t have any skin in your game, someone that’s not going to be impacted by what you have to share. Because if you can’t share openly with that person, then they might not be the best person to share your grief with and so that’s if you can’t be open and honest about what you’re feeling and experiencing completely, even if that does involve that person that’s where it might be helpful to have almost like an outsider. And that is where therapy or seeking support in a different fashion is beneficial for people because those people don’t know you from Adam and have no skin in your game. They’ve got nothing to lose. And that’s what they’re trained to do is to be a heart with yours like myself.
Those are the eight dimensions of wellness, also known as the wheel of life, when I think when you don’t know what to do, and you don’t know where to start, this gives you exactly what to look at in your life, the areas of life that may be causing some more additional grief for you, and seeing how you can turn that around seeing where you can focus even just a little bit on each of those areas, and start seeing that the change that you want to see and happening in your life. I think it’s really important that we think about self-love and not just the things that are often mentioned like the bubble bath and self-care type of things. This is like self-love, to me really is about embodying the best aspects of yourself and outwardly expressing that but also nurturing that from the inside out. And so it really is inside job self-love is an inside job. And I had a lot of issues with self-loathing, I am my own worst critic, this did not come naturally to me, there are still areas that I have challenges within these different dimensions of wellness, that is life. And everything that comes up that rubs us the wrong way or that bumps up against our energy is just an indicator of something that it should be curious about that why is that? Why is that, you know, upsetting me? Or why is that causing this reaction within me?
So it’s really just taking a step back. And the more you do this stuff, the more that you work on these areas, the more you’re able to do that to take a pause, to step back, be an observer and less, less reactionary and more deliberate and intentional with a response. And this happens over time. It’s not an overnight thing. But you can get there, every ounce of me believes that you can get there, you just have to decide, just take a look. Just be an excavator of your own life experience and start digging, stay curious and be your own best advocate. And boundaries have a lot to do with that. And like I said, I learned a lot about boundaries, going through my own experience with grief and addressing it. Learning where I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t have known a boundary. If it slapped me in the face. We learn these things as we start digging, but you won’t, unless you start digging. So when it comes to grief, make self-love your priority. And look at these various areas and see where you can make the changes that can propel you into your best higher self into the version 2.0 of you that is standing triumphant in spite of the grief, the loss, and the trauma or whatever it is that you’ve experienced, where you can be your own hero.
P.S I hope this was helpful. I wish you all of the best in the week ahead. And I thank you so much for listening. If you did find this helpful, please share it with someone and leave a review. If you care to maybe even a couple of lines, I would like I read every single one. It makes me feel like this is really having an impact when I hear from the listeners. And if you’re interested in diving into these areas Through Grief Recovery and my program it does grief differently where we’ve looked at your values. And that’s a lot of having to do with boundaries as we identify your values. And we do that in the work that I do with clients. And so if you’re interested in that head to my website, theunleashedheart.com, and remember, when you unleash your heart you unleash your life. Much love.
