Children Grieve, Too…
In times of highly-intense emotional upset, children are often cast aside with their grief. I don’t believe adults mean to do this, it’s just in that highly emotional state, they can barely navigate their own feelings, much less the feelings of a child. And, the child could exhibit behavior or communicate that they are handling things well – or, better than expected.
This type of assumption could not be farther from the truth. Children do not have the mental capacity to process such a strong emotion as grief on their own. They need to be led by example and need to be allowed to express their sorrow just like an adult is given the reverence to do so.
Communication about grief is, and should be, determined by the child’s age. The older the child is, the more they can talk about their sadness, which significantly helps. Not talking about it, however, teaches a very negative lesson around grief. Also, not holding space for a child to share their experience is sending a message that their feelings aren’t valid – they are not worthy to be heard because they’re just a kid, and they’ll bounce right back because kids are resilient. Right? Wrong.
Speaking from experience, when I was eight, and my father died, I was cast aside with my grief. In hindsight, I felt like I was invisible. Occasionally, someone would come along and pat me on the head or shoulder. However, in the late ’80s (and truthfully, even today), adults are not equipped to navigate their own grief, much less the emotional pain of a child.
Adults just don’t know what to do or say to or for a grieving child. This indifference to a child’s grief sorely impacts that child their entire life. How can it not? Think about your own unresolved grief you experienced as an adult has affected your life? It’s reasonable to assume, then, that children carry the impact of not resolving or communicating their grief as children into adulthood, including all future relationships. This is not to include any subsequent grief that may be experienced down the road that gets stacked on top of the old, unresolved grief in childhood.
Children are the forgotten grievers of society. While adults are wrapped up in their own turmoil of death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a beloved pet, financial ruin, homelessness, etc…there is a child or children experiencing the same life upsets. They, too, are human with all the same needs.
What are we as a society to do to help children who are grieving?
- Deal with our grief, so we’re prepared and capable of helping others, including children, whether they are our own or not.
- Take the time to learn tools and communication skills around grief when talking to children.
- Get schools involved in grief communication and what signs to look for in children who may be dealing with grief-causing situations at home or while at school.
- Never assume a grieving child is okay. One grieving child may be acting out negatively, and another may be reserved and not socializing. There is no cookie-cutter response to grief in children (or adults) because humans are not cookie-cutter.
In closing, if you are an adult with children and are experiencing grief, your children likely are as well. I implore you to seek help and outside resources, not only for yourself but also for your child or children. It’s never too late. That said, because grief never goes away, it will always manifest in a person’s life. Learning coping skills and communicating and resolving grief is the only way to feel free of grief’s grip. Not prioritizing healing is choosing to suffer.
Bury your grief, stuff it down, and lock it away all you want – it’s always there below the surface. If you take an inventory of your life and your relationships, however, you will see the consequence of not resolving your grief has affected your life – and of those closest to you that are in it.
P.S. Have you experienced grief during childhood? If you’re open to sharing your story and experience (especially if it’s similar but doesn’t have to be), I’d love to share in your experience, too. It’s not easy to find other life-long grievers open to sharing their story and I get that. Know, though, I’ve been there, too. Leave a comment below, if you’re comfortable, if not reach out via email at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com with “Childhood Grief” in the subject line or DM me on Instagram @theunleashedheart. I look forward to hearing your story. xx