How To Support a Grieving Friend

Grief can be an incredibly overwhelming and lonely time. So, when someone you care for loses a loved one, they need your care and support more than ever. 

There are many ways to show care and support for someone during times of grief. It can be hard to know what to say, and the fear of saying something wrong can sometimes keep you from being there when they need you most. You can help someone who is grieving by being compassionate, open, and willing to help; your presence alone shows your support. 

Here are a few things to keep in mind.

Checking In 

Make an effort to check in, even if it’s just a quick phone call or an invitation to grab coffee. You may be surprised by how much your check-ins can mean to a grieving friend. It can be a great comfort to even speak about things like headstones, funeral arrangements, and old memories in the early days after a loss. These conversations can spark ideas for how the friend wants to honor their loved one’s life. Obviously, they would rather their loved one be with them in the flesh, but talking these things out loud with a supportive friend can ease the burden of making so many decisions. You may ask, “How would your loved one love to be celebrated?” For some, their loved ones have already expressed what they would like, or may have even made their own arrangements. 

Regardless, checking in and being prepared to sit with them is kind to do when you’re unsure what to do. 

Listen More And Talk Less 

When you are with someone who is grieving, it can be hard to know what to say. You will naturally try to make your friend feel better. However, in a situation such as grief, talking excessively doesn’t help, and it can actually do more harm than good.

Instead, pay attention to how much you talk compared to how much you listen. Your friend will feel more benefit from talking about their feelings. Be there to listen to their thoughts and feelings, showing compassion for what they are feeling. 

Deep, active listening is a skill. If you find yourself wandering off and lose track of where the person was in their sharing, be honest about it. Apologize for not being fully present in that moment. It’s not rude to ask them to repeat what they shared, but it is rude to pretend like you’re listening when you’re not. This is why I shared above: if you ask how they’re doing, be prepared to sit with them and genuinely care to know the answer.

Tip: If you are struggling to listen, it can help to focus consciously on each word coming out of their mouth. 

Allow Them To Cry 

One of the most important areas of the grieving process is showing deep sadness and allowing yourself to cry. Letting your friend cry shows them you understand that crying is a necessary part of the grieving process. 

You may feel the urge to cheer your friend up or tell them to stop crying, but remember it is all part of healing. Think of their tears as a healthy part of the grieving process. 

Tears from crying for long periods release oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals can help ease both physical and emotional pain. Crying is a good thing!

One of the earliest messages we receive as children is that crying isn’t okay. Children may be called “cry babies” or sent to their room to cry. This idea, that crying is a sign of weakness, is also very prevalent in our society.

When we are born, we know how to grieve. Think about that. Very young children express every emotion unapologetically. However, adults influence this shift, making crying and not being okay seem wrong. Or even showing anger as not being okay. Anger is a valid emotion, too.

Tip: One of the many things I learned in my training in grief recovery is never to hand someone who is crying a tissue unless they ask, of course. If someone is releasing emotions through crying, handing them a tissue at that moment will stop them in their tracks. It’s a gesture as if to say: “stop crying.” 

Ask Questions If You Need To 

People often hesitate to ask questions of a grieving friend. They worry about upsetting them or saying the wrong thing. You shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions if you need to. It helps your friend talk openly about their loved one. 

You aren’t limited to asking about the past, though; you should also ask about their well-being. Check in on their self-care, sleep, and whether they are eating well. Explore how they’re feeling emotionally, and listen with care and compassion. You’re not there to fix anything. You can’t take away their pain. However, your presence can make a massive difference. 

Tip: Grievers often don’t know what they need. They’re overwhelmed with emotion. What they need can change from day to day, too. So, you could ask: “What would help make today a better day than yesterday?”

Offer Practical Help

Sometimes grief can make you neglect your basic needs. Practical help can be more useful than anything else when it comes to grief. Some of the tasks you could help with include: 

Cleaning their house

Cooking meals and batch cooking 

 Running general errands

 Helping with childcare 

 Managing or coordinating bills 

 Helping with laundry 

 Walking the dogs 

 Food shopping 

Yard work (mowing/watering, tending to the vegetable or flower garden)

Be Ready To Sit In Silence 

Grief brings in a variety of powerful emotions, and sometimes all a grieving person needs to sit in silence to regain a semblance of peace. Sitting in silence can be challenging, especially when you know your friend is struggling emotionally. Resist the urge to fill the silence. Instead, allow it and embrace it. Your presence is enough support. By being there for your friend, you show them your support and love, even if you sit in silence and don’t say a word. If they are at home, they may feel supported enough to rest. Your presence alone may be more therapeutic than you know. 

Tip: Sitting in silence with someone isn’t the most natural thing to do. And it may even feel awkward. But you could ask your friend: “Hey, how would you feel if I came over, made us some tea, and we just sat on the porch and listened to the birds?” Or, depending on the time of year, maybe watch a funny movie.

Make Sure You Remember Important Dates 

Anniversaries, birthdays, and others can all be a painful reminder of your friend’s loss every year. If you can, remember all the important dates, including the date of their loss. They may need help and extra support when grief symptoms kick in. Reach out to your friend and let them know you’re thinking of them. 

After a loss, people usually mean well when it comes to staying in touch. Busy lives can keep them from following through. Staying in touch can really help. Above all else, remember you can’t fix their pain but can help to ease it and allow them to work through grief. 

Tip: Set a yearly reminder on your phone for special days so you can reach out with a card, a phone call, or a special text. You can take it one step further and ask if something special they had in mind of doing on that special day – or would like to do. 

Is there anything else that could help? Please share them in the comments below. 

 

 

 

P.S. If you’ve never listened to my podcast, Grieving Voices, every guest shares their experience and wisdom around grief. Every guest offers wonderful insight into how to support others who are grieving. 

A go-to resource is available to help you help others.

Click the image below to check it out.