Q&A | Is Closure Possible?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
It happens often; we hear people say they want or need closure. We also hear it on crime shows and true crime documentaries, too. However, what feels more accurate, and what would be a more helpful expression of what those left behind genuinely desire?
Listen to this quick Q&A on closure and discover why it’s unhelpful and what would be a more accurate goal to aim for when grieving.
Sudden or traumatic loss (or events) often leave people wanting closure. And that desire that may never be achieved, keeping someone grieving stuck in emotional jail. However, it doesn’t have to be that way.
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Question
Beth writes, “When someone experiences the loss of a loved one in a quick or unexpected manner?
Answer
I often hear people say they need or want closure. Is closure even possible? Something about the word itself doesn’t feel right and I’m curious what your take is on it.
Actually, it’s a very timely one too because I was listening to true crime podcast episode. And the host was actually even talking about closure and how the word doesn’t sit right with him. And so I felt like it was an important thing to talk about anyway. So thank you for bringing the question to my attention to do a podcast episode on it.
The thing to keep in mind is the relationship with the person who passed away. And so if you’re an outsider looking in, you may not know all the details of that relationship and you might have your perception of it but we often don’t know the details of other people’s relationships, how rich they were, or how good they were or maybe the negative aspects too.
We often don’t hear those things. But regardless, as an outsider looking in at other relationships, just keep in mind that you never really truly know the depths of other people’s relationships. So often too, we think about the lifetime of events with emotions that are attached that have affected you. And the longer the relationship, of course, the more events and the more experiences and the more memories that you’ve made with that person.
And there are emotions that are attached to those that will affect you, not just the circumstances or the speed, at which that loved one has passed away.
So we often focus on the end of the relationship and we do lose sight of the whole relationship. And so this word “closure” is unhelpful and inaccurate word because closure implies the end of a relationship.
And what people learn going through my program Do Grief Differently™️ or just If you’ve listened long enough to my podcast or you’ve read anything I’ve written, the relationship continues even though a person has died. There is a physical relationship that dies with that person, but the emotional and spiritual relationship continues.
And so rather than looking at needing closure, instead think about needing to become emotionally complete. And especially in circumstances where the person passes unexpectedly or tragically or maybe even they went missing. Right? Murder, homicide. They go missing.
They get a diagnosis and quickly decline. There are so many different circumstances that cause unexpected or unexpected loss or death. And so we often don’t get that opportunity like you maybe would if someone who has a terminal illness, who everyone is aware that that person is passing or it will pass and they’re in hospice care and you have an opportunity to become emotionally complete with that person while they’re still alive. Is that the time to do so? Not necessarily.
I could say a lot about this just because I had my own personal experience where I could have used that time to unleash my fury and my rage and my anger and all of the things that upset me throughout my life. However, when I was faced with that decision and went to see that person, which initially too surprised me because I didn’t have malice in my heart when I found out that they were dying. I felt like I needed to go see them because not for myself, but for them. It was a very interesting dichotomy because inside I was still a hurt little girl, but I also recognize the importance and the gravity of that decision to show up with love and compassion rather than with anger and rage because I didn’t feel that. I felt hurt. And oftentimes, anger and rage is really just masked. It’s a mask we wear for hurt and pain. And so that’s just my personal example of working to become emotionally complete, but I did that long after.
So it was kind of interesting how I can look back at that time now and my approach was unexpected even for myself. And so I just challenge you to think about what you are emotionally incomplete with when it comes to any relationship in your life and realize that you don’t have to confront anybody. You don’t have to have difficult conversations while they’re alive or if you have that opportunity such as in the case of terminal illness or if you don’t have that opportunity in an instance of an unexpected death, you can still become emotionally complete with that person after they have died by going through Do Grief Differently™️, the twelve-week program that I offer or in a group program setting.
So let’s quit saying the word “closure”. And let’s speak the truth about what we really are looking for is to become emotionally complete because the word closure is not helpful and let’s start changing that language for progress and changing that language to what the truth really is of what we’re really looking for and what we’re really what our heart really needs.
P.S. Do Grief Differently™️is twelve weeks in-person or online program that helps grieving who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. In Do Grief Differently™️ , you learn new tools, education, and a method you can utilize for the rest of your life. In this program and with my guidance, you remove the pain of grief. The sadness will always be there because even in complicated relationships, we love, but it’s the pain of grief that keeps us stuck. Are you ready to Do Grief Differently™️? Check out my website www.theunleashedheart.com to learn more.