Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Personal, Pespective |
Despite how you may be feeling right now, at this moment, you are not crazy.
This post is dedicated to all of those who are feeling like they’re either going crazy or those who feel like, “Yup, already there yesterday.”
What’s happened lately in your world?
What has happened directly to you?
What’s been impacting you lately?
What happened to you 2, 12, 20 years ago?
You Are Not Crazy
Grief is the crazy pot-stirrer. The ruffler of feathers. The sleeping giant that wakes up, sometimes after 30 years.
And, in its wake, it’s also the great clarifier.
I felt like I was going crazy at my worst. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, disregarded basic self-care, doctored for unexplained symptoms, dropped weight, started losing my hair, sought knowledge everywhere else but within myself (out of fear of what I would discover), and was part of the wine-mom culture before it was a “thing” (which is doing more harm than good, btw) and quit before that was a “thing,” too, in Nov. 2019.
Do you know someone who seems to be struggling and find yourself judging that person?
I bet you’ve struggled a time or two as well. Perhaps, you, too, secretly feel crazy, but ya know…sometimes there’s this persona we grip onto so strongly that no amount of staring in the mirror can even crack. We refuse to see what we don’t want to see.
We can drag a person to the mirror, but if they refuse to open their eyes, what do you do?
The only reflection that matters is the one you see when you open your eyes. And, if you’re living out of integrity, you won’t be so inclined to look at yourself very long, if at all.
I know a beautiful soul in the online, entrepreneurial world who recently sported a shirt that read: Make Empathy Great Again. I need a shirt like that in my life. That is a mission I firmly get behind. Empathy just so happens to be my number one strength, too. So, of course, it’s a mission I would get behind. #missionempathy Let’s get that trending, shall we?
What are you refusing to see?
Your own pain and suffering?
The pain and suffering of someone else because of what it brings up for you?
As you move through your life the next few days, think about how you can make empathy great again in your world.
People don’t ask for grief; it finds us. Always. No one can escape it. Sometimes, yes, it is self-inflicted; however, I believe this is mostly because of shame, which creates a divide between where we are and where we desire to be (emotionally and spiritually). Empathy is a bridge.
And, if you’re unsure how to build that bridge, you don’t have to try to build it alone. I’m a message away.
In the meantime, please put your head on your pillow tonight, knowing that you are not crazy. What you are feeling is normal and natural. If only someone would have told me that way back then, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so alone for as long as I did. More importantly, had I known then what I know now about grief, I would have believed it for myself.
Sending you love + light this Friday and beyond. 💛
P.S. In the context of using the word “crazy,” it’s not a response of fear, meanness, disregard toward, or a belief that I have about mental illness. Quite the contrary, it is how I described myself as I was going through postpartum depression and a mid-life unraveling in grief, which was something I was in total denial about, therefore, did not talk about at the time. I did what a good portion of people do – grieve alone. And, that’s the problem. When we’re deep in the weeds of feeling “crazy,” we don’t speak up out of fear of actually having that affirmed to be true. It’s a paradox, and until we can freely and openly talk about our suffering without criticism, analysis, or judgment, all of the political correctness in the world won’t change a darn thing, in my opinion. Be the empathy you wish to see in the world.
Educational, Grief Tips, Growth, Pespective |
Today, I want to share my thoughts that have been swirling around intention, impact, and grief and how they’re intertwined.
I’ve been thinking a lot about a phrase that came up during training I recently participated in. It was “Understand the difference between intention and impact.” I knew I wanted to write about it but wasn’t sure how I would approach it, given the context in which the phrase was used in the class and that I’ve since seen online. If you haven’t heard this, it’s a phrase typically shared when conversations involve QBIPOC (Queer, Black, Indigenous, People of Color).
As a white woman in the midwest, “Who gives a rip what I think?” could’ve been my stance, and said the heck with it, and completely decide not to address it. However, I will present this with my thoughts (and opinions) while wearing my Adv. Cert. Grief Recovery Specialist hat on, offering my thoughts on what I see happening from my empathetic perspective.
Intention
According to the dictionary, intention is a thing intended, an aim or plan. Interestingly, it’s also the healing process of a wound (which makes me think about Reiki, which is all about intentional healing).
Wikipedia says intention is a mental state representing a commitment to carrying out an action or actions in the future. Intention involves mental activities such as planning and forethought.
Impact
The dictionary defines impact as the action of one object coming forcibly into contact with another. As a verb, it is to have a strong effect on someone or something.
The importance of understanding the difference between intention and impact is an idea that could apply to all sorts of scenarios, including grief. And, when it comes to the situations and issues QBIPOC faces, which I won’t even pretend I know, I imagine that grief has a strong presence in their lives.
Grief doesn’t care about how you identify yourself, the color of your skin, where you grew up, or about your ancestry.
GRIEF DOES NOT CARE
Let’s strip down the many issues in society today down to one word – GRIEF, and address that – with compassion and individual action.
Regardless of where, when, or how it originated, your grief is important because it is yours. But, your grief is not like my grief, just as your grief is going to be different than every other person, regardless of how similar the experience.
Collectively, there is a lot of grief. However, again, it’s important to reiterate that grief is individual.
And, no matter where, why, or how it originated, there is only one person who can do the inner-work – you.
How we raise the collective vibration of this world, elevate our lives, and harness our pain is for each person to sweep their own doorstep individually.
No amount of rallying around me, no amount of pat on the backs, or offers of help or understanding was going to change my situation without me doing my part. The cyclical patterns and behaviors I repeated for over thirty years did not change until I DECIDED to do something about what was happening and what I was feeling.
Do I understand that there is a privilege in writing this as a white woman living in the midwest? Absolutely. If you’re reading this on your smartphone or computer, you, too, have privilege. Privilege exists across all races, social classes, and even between males and females.
Intention versus Impact and Grief
So, let’s get back to this idea of intention versus impact as it relates to grief (which is individual, remember) and all of the issues we face in society today.
I do not intend to offend with this blog post today. However, I may not know the impact it will have on someone reading it unless I hear from someone that specifically shares the impact it had on them. I am not a mind reader; no one is. But, there’s a level of sensitivity that I wish to honor and express. Will I get it perfect? No. Will you get it perfect? No. I intend to speak from a place of empathy, love, and compassion. Despite my beliefs or thoughts around any number of issues, I can choose to show empathy, love, and compassion, despite what I believe to be true for me.
Just as people who have never experienced grief to the extent of someone else may not know what to say, how to say it, or how to show up for that person, I can’t begin to claim to understand the personal experience of the QBIPOC community. So, there may be things I say or do that may be offensive without me realizing it because I don’t have that same personal experience. I have heard so many stories repeatedly about the absurd, hurtful, and harmful things people (of all walks of life and ethnicities and backgrounds) have said to grievers – simply not knowing any better, which is why I am so passionate about educating about grief. Again, grief does not care who you are, where you’re from, or what you look like.
Empathy plays a major role in societal issues today, too. Because not everyone has the strength of empathy, which, yes, is a strength, some people have it more than others. Because of mental illness, some people may not have it at all or little of it. It’s not an excuse for behavior, but it is a reality for many people. It’s also a reality you cannot see just by looking at someone. When it comes to sharing the message (or argument) of understanding the difference between intention and impact, it’s also important to realize that all of us are a product of our upbringing. We don’t ask for the families, beliefs, or indoctrination we’re born into. We don’t ask for our skin color either. Every human goes about this world trying to find where each fits, all the while fighting individual internal demons and internal struggles. Not to mention ancestral grief passed down, stacked on top of all of the grief we accumulate over our lifetime as well.
Considering that in a study conducted in 2017 that states 792 million people worldwide (or slightly more than one in ten) live with a mental health disorder, screaming to the masses about intention versus impact isn’t ever going to solve anything. Also, there’s fascinating research on the brain that describes how, as newborns, our brains develop based on our environment. I recently listened to this podcast episode where Lisa Feldman Barrett, who is in the top one percent of most-cited scientists globally for her revolutionary research in psychology and neuroscience, shares more facts and fiction about the brain. I couldn’t help but think about how misunderstood so many people probably feel in our world due to our own internal wiring.
All of this being said, every one of us can treat everyone we meet with compassion. I can write from a place of compassion in my heart. You could look at someone and see them as a child, asking yourself how you would speak to that person if they were a child standing before you?
What if, instead of seeing how we’re different, we’d instead see each other as grievers and children who are products of our upbringing. And show and give compassion. Be open to hearing the stories of each other. Be open to learning and teaching from personal experiences rather than those of a group. And be open to connection.
Grief Is a Catalyst For Disconnection
The crux of connection? It’s tough to develop a connection to others as long as we’re disconnected from ourselves.
Do you feel like you’re going crazy?
Do you feel like a foreigner in your own body?
Do you feel uncomfortable in your own skin?
If you answered yes to these questions, you’re likely experiencing grief.
How, then, can you ever see others with compassion and be fully present in your own life if your own pain consumes you?
Many issues in our society today could be solved if each of us put the intention of healing into our own hearts and worried less about whatever everyone else is doing or saying.
When you have a broken bone, you don’t hesitate to go to the doctor. Regardless of the cost, you see a doctor who can help you heal your broken bone. When you have a tooth that is causing you so much pain you can’t sleep at night, you go to the dentist to rid yourself of the relentless pain. Why, then, would you not honor the pain in your heart the same way? A pill is not going to rid your heart of its emotional pain any more than if I gave you a Tylenol when you should have a root canal. The Tylenol may numb some of the pain, but it’s only a band-aid solution.
And, this is where grief recovery is different. It’s not a band-aid solution. Grief recovery gets to the root of the emotional pain. Grief recovery ends the daily suffering. Does it end the sadness when you think of the person? No. But, sadness, because you loved and lost, is a much different life experience than feeling the physical and psychological torture and suffering because of the loss. See the difference? This is also no different if the relationship was less than loving and whether they are dead or still living. We experience grief at 100%, too, when it was a toxic, harmful relationship. As a result, a griever can feel a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations and things they wish would’ve been different, better, or more for the relationship.
You’re already suffering; you may as well suffer while moving your feet and taking action toward healing.
If you believe that “we are one,” then look in the mirror, friend. What impacts one impacts all.
Grief Is a Ripple Creator, So Is Healing
Rising tides lift all boats.
Focus on raising your tide and watch the ripples of that in your life.
Find a way. It’s up to you.
And find support. It’s your individual choice to ask for help.
But, this notion that people need to understand the difference between intention and impact, “get woke,” or any other buzzphrase catching fire these days, is somewhat of a moot point if, all the while, people aren’t sweeping their own doorstep. In fact, I would argue that all of the outward screamings to the masses is an outcry of inner turmoil, a projecting of inner pain, and a whole lot of generational, ancestral, and personal grief imploding and exploding.
And, addressing all of that? Well, that’s an inside job.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll repeat it: GRIEF IS OUR PANDEMIC. It always has been and forever will be until we become “woke” to that fact as individuals.
What is the impact of this post on your heart today? Did it stir up some emotions? I imagine it likely did.
The impact I hope to have and share is this: You have so much power within you to change the trajectory of your life, regardless of your circumstances and upbringing. People do not rise above their circumstances by accepting what was and what is. I have interviewed people from all walks of life and backgrounds for my podcast who have created a life of joy and are thriving, despite their upbringing, gender, geographic location, sexual preference, skin color, or grief they’ve experienced in their lives. Incredible humans have crossed my path, which took their life experience in their hands and took action in some way – to heal themselves – not their neighbor, best friend, spouse/significant other, brother, sister, parent, etc. – they addressed their own heart. And, if you need more examples (and does of inspiration) of people doing this from the direst of circumstances, head to a library to read books written by countless more who have done the same.
The impact you choose to have in your life is in your hands—no one else’s. Likewise, the grief you have in your life is yours alone to heal. And, when you’re ready to do that, I’m here for you.
I continue to do my own inner work, too. We are meant to evolve and grow. As one of my guests shared on the podcast recently: “When you lay, you decay.”
How about we work to, individually, create impact, with intentional healing, in our own lives. That’s when, I believe, we’ll start to see ripples of change.
Sending you love and light today.
P.S. Are you interested in hearing more on the topic of the ripples of grief and healing? I released a solo podcast episode on this topic in early March. And, if you want to hear grief described and defined in a way you’ve never heard it before (if you’re new here), then check out the other episode below, too.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Personal, Pespective |
March was a chaotic and somewhat emotionally heavy month for me. I know I wasn’t alone, as several others I had spoken to throughout the month expressed their own version of chaos and emotional heaviness. Although we often create our own suffering, don’t we?
We procrastinate on having the tough conversations we know we need to have. All the while; stewing, brewing, and ruminating.
We don’t share our needs and then get upset when our unknown needs aren’t being met.
We don’t have boundaries but then get angry when we’re taken advantage of or taken for granted.
One of the best quotes I’ve heard in a long time was this:
The more you know yourself, the less likely you’ll look to others to tell you who you are. – Kristin Sherry
A part of knowing ourselves is having an awareness of our strengths, values, and how we’re wired. When we know these things about ourselves, and out of respect for ourselves, communicate from this inner-knowing, we can look at others and consider that they, too, have differing strengths, values, and are wired differently.
This week was another death-versary of my dad being gone, and this one felt a little heavier than usual. Perhaps it was the End-of-Life Doula training I recently finished or, the conversations I’ve been having for the podcast. Either way, “stuff” came up for me this week that I didn’t expect.
I journaled about what I was feeling and here is an excerpt:
…The past two years have been the most incredible period of growth for me. Had I not sought to sweep my own doorstep, I would have never realized my potential of being a healer and lightworker that is here to serve and be a beacon of hope. I would have continued to blame, point fingers, or be a victim. None of these behaviors woud have moved me forward. It is as if I had been driving my car of life while looking in the rearview mirror. What is done is done. I can’t change it. I can’t changed all that I’ve experienced since my dad died. It is what it is. But, I’m so glad I got tired of telling myself the lie that suffering was my destiny.
We live into the stories we tell ourselves. We fulfill our own prophecies if we believe them. If you come from a poor family and believe your life is one of being poor, you will live into that self-proclaimed prophecy of living a poor life. And, I don’t just mean monetarily. We fulfill our own prophecies of being poor in health, physical appearance, qualify (and quantity) of relationships, etc..
And, grief is the one thing we can rightfully blame. There is a lot of loss represented by the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations, and anything we wish would’ve been (or could be) different, better, or more. Add in and end of, or change, in familiar patterns of behavior and, that’s grief, too!
Grief makes us feel like we don’t have a choice. But, we do.
So this week, I looked at my sadness, wrote about it, listened to some inspiring podcasts, and realized something…
the compassion I so readily give to others, I needed to give to myself.
And, after asking myself what would I say to a friend, I decided to take the day to do some things that bring me joy or lift my mood. I went on the treadmill, while listening to an inspiring podcast episode, took an extra-long shower, enjoyed a cup of tea and looked out the window (just BE-ing present), played with my pooch, Gizmo, and made a heartfelt, end of the first quarter donation, to the Fisher House for ND veterans and their families. My dad, a Vietnam vet, received his healthcare at the Fargo, ND VA Hospital after his colon cancer diagnosis. We could not be there as a family, as a place like the Fisher House did not exist. I’m so glad to see there will be a place for a family to be together.
What is the one question to ask yourself when you’re suffering?
What would I say to my friend?
More often than not, the helpers of this world have the hardest time giving to themselves what is given to others so readily – compassion.
Give yourself compassion; speak to and treat yourself kindly.
As an empathic, compassionate person (compassion is also one of my top ten values), I need to remain mindful of when the compassion scale is tipping too heavily in one direction. This is so often why those in the helper, service-based roles (therapists, doctors, nurses, counselors, healers, etc.) often burnout. We want to serve and help, but the person we often forget to serve first is ourselves. There is a reason why, during my grief recovery training, there is specific education around what is known as “compassion fatigue.”
March was my lesson in compassion fatigue. I really had to assess my schedule and look at where I needed to step on the breaks. So, I created more breathing room at the end of March, and then the death-versary came, and so did fatigue out of seemingly nowhere. The body is always speaking to us, my friend.
I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a new month, a new quarter, and I’m looking forward to implementing some of the things the first quarter taught me this year. I’m also looking forward to sharing what I learned about end-of-life and through YouMap®.
I will be incorporating YouMap® into my grief recovery one-on-one program. This will entail an increase in pricing to reflect additional sessions and knowledge/information that will be added, however, it will only make the grief recovery experience that much richer. You will know why you’re grieving the way you grieve, recognize trouble areas, and gain a greater understanding of how others in the same household are grieving differently (which doesn’t make them wrong). Knowing your YouMap® will also help you to see exactly where your pain points are, and together, we’ll work toward a solution after grief recovery in an additional session. It’s one thing to receive an assessment of your strengths, values, skills, and how you’re wired, but what I love most is, you learn what to do with the information; something every other assessment out there doesn’t address. And believe, me, I’ve taken a lot of them.
I’d like to close with a journal entry from this week:
If we’re traumatized in childhood, we grow to be traumatized (reactive) adults who often become people-pleasers. We become adults who lack self-confidence, self-worth, and inner-peace.
The past two years have been learning how to navigate these things and find inner-peace about what cannot be changed. And rather, bless the past, and continue to evolve and grow – use it for good in my life. Because, the only constant is change.
I want to share with others what I’ve learned and walk with them in their suffering. However, always with the intention of lighting the path forward when all feels lost. Taking the last bit of hope that a hurting heart has been white-knuckling and using it to UNLEASH their heart of the darkness of their pain and into the light of what’s possible.
And, to never forget – when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life.
Educational, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective |
When you’re struggling with your mental health, you understandably want to do everything in your power to help heal your mind. You may be practicing meditation, you might be looking for a new job, and you may have even cut out alcohol to help minimize the effects on your mind. But did you know that your home can help your mental health? By making a few small changes to your home, you can live harmoniously and help battle through your mental health. Want to know more? Check out these easy yet very effective ways of turning your home into a sanctuary for your mental health.
Open the Blinds More
The sun is a great way of improving your mood, but when you’re inside for long periods of the day (especially during the pandemic), it’s very easy for your mood to slip. Opening the curtains and blinds every day will help let in natural sunlight and contribute to your mood. Not only that, encouraging yourself to do this each day will help you stay in routine and keep your mental health on track. Living in the northern hemisphere, winter is long and (often) harsh. Several years ago, I purchased a sunbox. Over the years, I have found it highly beneficial in supporting my overall well-being, as they also help regulate your sleep cycle and help your body create the feel-good chemicals that are greatly reduced during winter months. I had also realized why I was so attracted to tanning beds during the winter in my 20’s. (P.S.A. Take care of your skin; you only get one! I was lucky, and my dermatologist found a pre-cancerous mole early.)
Set the Temperature
Being too hot or too cold can add to agitation, even for those not struggling with their mental health. When you’re not at a comfortable temperature, it’s easy to become irritated or feel sleepy and lethargic. Consider getting a regulating control with a timer to lower the temp during sleeping hours. It’s thought that sleeping at a cooler temp aids the body in getting more restful sleep. You can always keep a 24-hour AC Service company on hand to come and look at your AC unit should you run into any problems.
Invest In a Comfortable Mattress
Sleep is extremely vital. You may struggle to get enough sleep when you’re battling with your mental health. However, you may also struggle to sleep because you haven’t got the right kind of mattress to not only help you fall asleep comfortably but stay asleep. Getting more sleep will allow your mind to heal, give your body plenty of rest, and significantly improve your overall mood, so it might be worth investing in a more comfortable mattress. In next week’s Grieving Voices podcast episode, I interview Dr. Chris Kerr, and we briefly discuss the effects of interrupted sleep, especially on the older population. He spoke about delirium and how, with reduced sleep, one can become combative and hallucinate. There’s a reason it’s used as a torture tactic.
Fill Your Home With Calming Scents
Many of your senses can affect your mood, and the scents in your home are one of those things. If you’re an anxious person, consider filling your home with the smells of lavender to help keep you calm when you’re at home. After all, your home is a place for relaxing, and the more relaxed you are, the better your mental health will be in the long run. Experiment with different scents to make your home smell beautiful and keep your mood high. My most favorite scent is palo santo. It grows in dry tropical forests and produces very fragrant resin. In Spanish, palo santo means “holy wood.” Its oil, resin, and wood itself have been used for medicinal purposes for thousands of years. I’m very drawn to its scent, diffuse it regularly, burn palo santo sticks to clear negative energy, and often wear my palo santo bracelet. Find what you love that gives you a sense of peace and calm, and you’ll create an anchor of “scent-memory” with that scent. I could go on and on about how our olfactory nerve plays a role in our mood and emotions. But, it’s linked directly to the limbic system. The limbic system is a control center that monitors emotions and memories. Research has shown that odors can affect our mood, concentration, memory recall, and emotions. If you didn’t know, I’m a Young Living Distributor; I have been since 2014. I absolutely love what essential oils have brought to my life!
Bring Nature Indoors
Adding some greenery to your home will not only improve the decor but your mental well-being too. Did you know that plants are known to improve your mood and reduce stress levels? Consider adding a few house plants to your home to help uplift your mood and home! I can’t believe it took me until maybe two years ago to bring plants into my home. If you don’t feel like you have a green thumb, that’s okay. Go to a local greenhouse and ask for easy-care plants. I’ve personally never had luck with succulents; they’re a bit more particular in care. So, if you’re new to plants, I wouldn’t start with those.
De-Clutter
When our environment is cluttered and disorganized, and we’re already feeling cluttered and disorganized within our minds or bodies, our outer environment isn’t supporting a positive shift. Addressing our outer environment can help us shift our mood and mindset. Likewise, addressing what is troubling us in our hearts and minds might be where you want to start. You may be surprised by how you find a renewed motivation to address your home environment, too.
If you don’t believe that clutter impacts our mental health, check out this article from Psychology Today, learn the impact of clutter and how it does not support your mental health.
Create a Sacred Space That’s All Yours
I’m a huge advocate of creating a sacred space that is all yours. And, you may be surprised to learn that it doesn’t take a lot of financial means. It doesn’t require you to remodel your home. I have my office that I call my “Zen Den.” I have this beautiful natural light that fills the space, which once felt like a dungeon due to the tiny basement window. Bless my husband did all of the work himself, having never put in an egress window before. He did an amazing job, but that one thing transformed my love of my office. I feel more inspired and happier in my office than I ever did before. It has a wide window sill where I have a plant, a pretty lamp, a photo of my spouse and me, a yummy-smelling candle, and a small desk calendar with a daily quote.
My “Zen Den” (i.e., my office) serves several purposes. I hold my in-person reiki sessions in this space and have made it a point to make it a relaxing space for that as well, with a small water fountain, Himalayan salt lamp, essential oils, and of course, my “working” desk space.
If you don’t have an office or extra room in your home, you can easily create a corner of your home that is all yours. Put a comfy chair, ottoman, comfy blanket, small side table, a plant, and a lamp. You’ve then created a lovely space to read magazines or books, knit/crochet, connect with a friend/loved one over the phone, watch a movie on a tablet, write/journal, listen to soothing music or inspiring podcasts/books, etc.
I have kids, so I know having the time/quiet to do this may be difficult. However, sometimes getting up before the rest of the house rises for the day could be the most self-caring thing you can do for your mental health. And, if you’re not a morning person, perhaps looking at how sending the kids to bed even 20 minutes earlier can help create the quiet you need to give to yourself – even if it’s only twenty minutes to spend some time doing something you enjoy to decompress from the day. I could create a whole post about this topic alone, and perhaps I will. It’s so important to fill our cups, as we can’t give from an empty (or burned out) one, right?!
I hope you found this post helpful. I’d love to hear if you try any of these tips. Thank you for reading!
Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Growth, Personal, Pespective |
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. — Haruki Murakami
You’ve probably seen that quote before. Maybe you scrolled past it on Pinterest, or someone texted it to you during a hard season. And maybe — like I used to — you read it and thought, “That’s easy for you to say.”
I get it. When you’re in the middle of grief, loss, or heartbreak, the idea that suffering is optional can feel like a slap in the face. Like someone is telling you to just… choose better, choose differently; as if it’s that simple.
But here’s what I’ve come to understand — and what I want to offer you today — because it changed everything for me:
Pain and suffering are not the same thing. And that distinction might be the most important thing you learn on your healing journey.
Pain Is Part of Being Human
No one escapes it. Not one of us.
We lose people we love. We lose relationships, jobs, identities, and versions of ourselves we thought we’d always be. We lose the futures we planned and the expectations we quietly carried for years. In grief recovery, we describe grief as the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations — anything we wish would have been different, better, or more.
That’s a wide net. And most of us are caught in it far more than we realize.
We are taught how to acquire — how to build relationships, earn degrees, grow careers, and start families. But no one teaches us what to do when those things are taken from us, or when they don’t turn out the way we imagined. That gap? That’s where so much of our pain lives.
Pain is real. Pain is valid. Pain is not the problem.
Suffering Is What Happens When We Fight the Pain
Here’s where it gets honest — and maybe a little uncomfortable.
Suffering occurs when we resist what is. When we attach ourselves to what should have been, what could have been, what we wish were different. Suffering lives in the loop of the story we keep replaying.
Let me give you an example I use with clients all the time:
Imagine we’re sitting together, having a conversation, and out of nowhere, I kick you in the shin. Ouch, right? That’s pain. Real, immediate, undeniable.
Now imagine two weeks later, you’re lying in bed at night, and your mind drifts back to that moment. You start replaying it. Why did she do that? What was her problem? I can’t believe she did that to me. The more you think about it, the angrier you get. The more it hurts. The more it consumes you.
Here’s the truth: I’m not there anymore. But you’re still letting me kick you.
That’s suffering. And it’s self-inflicted — not because you’re weak or broken, but because no one ever taught you there was another way.
Rumination Is the Silent Thief of Your Present Life
This is one of the most talked-about struggles in the grief and mental health space right now — and for good reason.
Rumination — the act of replaying painful events, conversations, or losses over and over — is one of the leading contributors to anxiety, depression, and prolonged grief. It’s not the event itself that causes the most damage. It’s the story we keep telling ourselves about it.
And I’ll be the first to raise my hand and say: “I’ve been there, done that, too.”
In the past, I have found myself in a spiral — unable to focus, emotionally all over the place, replaying a situation I had zero control over. Loss of productivity. Emotional exhaustion. That low-grade hum of unease that follows you into every room. Sound familiar?
That’s what unnecessary suffering looks like in real life. It doesn’t always look like falling apart. Sometimes it looks like functioning — but barely.
You Always Have a Choice. Even When It Doesn’t Feel Like It.
Grief has a way of making us feel powerless. Like we’re passengers in our own lives, just waiting for the pain to pass.
But here’s what I know to be true — and what grief recovery taught me:
Time does not heal all wounds. Time only passes.
It’s what you do within that time that matters. It’s the action you take, the awareness you build, the moment you decide to stop letting the past steal your present.
That’s not toxic positivity. That’s not “just think happy thoughts.” That’s the hard, honest work of choosing differently — even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when part of you wants to keep stewing, because at least that feels like you’re *doing something.*
Choosing to release the suffering doesn’t mean the pain didn’t matter. It doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It means you are no longer willing to let it cost you your now.
🎙️ Listen to This Episode of Grieving Voices
If “time heals all wounds” is a phrase you’ve been holding onto — or one that’s been said to you — I want you to hear this episode.
Grieving Voices | Episode 4: The 6 Myths of Grief
“Time heals all wounds” is just one of six myths that society has handed us about grief — and honestly, it might be the most damaging one. In this episode, I walk through all six myths that have been passed down from generation to generation, why they don’t work, and what to do instead.
Because here’s the thing: if time alone healed grief, we wouldn’t still be carrying losses from years — or even decades — ago. It is never about the time. It is always about the action you take within it.
What Does Choosing Differently Actually Look Like?
It starts with awareness. Noticing when you’ve slipped into the loop. Catching yourself mid-rumination and asking:
- Is this thought serving me, or am I just rehearsing my pain?
- Am I processing this, or am I just replaying it?
- What would it feel like to set this down — just for today?
It means feeling your emotions fully — not stuffing them, not distracting yourself, not pretending everything is fine. Grief asks to be felt. But there is a difference between feeling and feeding—between honoring your emotions and drowning in them indefinitely.
And it means taking action. Because healing is not passive. It doesn’t happen to you. It is something you choose—again and again, on the hard days and the okay ones.
Here’s What I Want You to Walk Away With
At the end of your life, will you look back at what’s consuming you right now and wish you had suffered over it longer?
I’m asking myself that same question today.
The answer is always no.
The pain you’ve carried is real. Your grief is real. Your losses — every single one of them — deserve to be honored. But your *life* deserves to be lived. You can’t fully live in the present when you are anchored to the past.
You are not your suffering. And you don’t have to keep choosing it.
If you’re ready to stop replaying the story and start writing a new one, I’d love to walk that path with you.
Struggling with grief that feels like it’s running your life? I’m here to learn how I can support you, match you with one of my offerings, or connect you with other resources.
Educational, Growth, Living Unleashed, Personal, Pespective, Resources |
Today is my birthday! I’m celebrating 42 years of lessons, growth, and the life my husband and I have created for ourselves and our family.
We don’t celebrate enough. My dear friend, Patsy, has opened me up to celebrating more – the big and small moments.
There are days where I feel like I don’t get a single thing done. There are days when I don’t get something done that I intended. There are also days where I get so much done and, at the end of the day, I reflect on the productivity, but I don’t pause long enough to celebrate all that I accomplished that day.
Can you relate? Do you celebrate the little things?
How easy it is to beat ourselves up over what we didn’t do, didn’t get done, or how we didn’t show up. And here’s the thing, and something I’ve learned as recently as the past two weeks. It’s also a lesson I am reminded of that podcast guest, Quandell Wright, shared with me, and I later shared with him when he was beating himself up over some things. The lesson? Take it one day at a time.
While we’re taking life one day at a time, celebrating as we go can lighten our load and maybe even a heavy heart.
When was the last time you celebrated someone else? When was the last time you shared with them something you think makes them incredible and want to celebrate them for just being in your life?
On my birthday today, I received a surprise in my inbox – a personalized gesture of kindness and a message of why I was appreciated. It made my eyes well up being told what I meant to them; it made me feel so loved at that moment. It made me think of ways I, too, can step up my birthday wishes game. I’m still “old school” and send out cards (unless your birthday is at the start of the month – these usually bite me in the butt), but I’ve given some thought today to how I can help to make others feel more special on a day that is to CELEBRATE that special person’s life.
Forty-two years is a long time to learn a thing or two. Lol! And, I feel like, as we get older, celebrating the little things takes a backseat. What are some reasons to celebrate?
- Checking off all of the items on the to-do list.
- Making a difficult call.
- Sending off an application.
- Pitching yourself or your ideas.
- Redecorating a room.
- Cleaning the car (inside/out) and the satisfaction of doing it yourself and seeing your hard work pay off in the end.
- Preparing a nutritious meal.
- Making yourself a priority with exercise X number of times during the week.
- The day of your birth! There’s only one YOU, my friend. You’re like a snowflake! Birthdays aren’t nearly as big of a deal as they should be! They should be a given PTO day, in my opinion!
- Successfully giving up something that’s been challenging to live without.
- A fresh start.
- A new endeavor.
- Reading a book that’s larger than usual for you to read.
Think of all of the things that we take for granted. My middle child fell while rollerblading earlier this week and broke her wrist. She’s learned how to receive help, really, for the first time she’s old enough to understand the impact. She’s a helper at heart. She said it’d been difficult accepting help from others. I told her that God gave us two hands, one for giving and one for receiving, and to receive the help that is given with grace. But, if I’m honest with myself, she’s probably learned from me, attempting to do it all without help. Because that was me most of my life and still is at times. Many of us “helpers” find it difficult to ask for help. But, I guarantee, after six weeks of having a cast and needing help with daily living and personal hygiene tasks, she’ll be humbled. And celebrating all of these little things she can do for herself that she took for granted.
And, perhaps I needed that reminder, too. Celebrate that I have two functioning hands and the cognitive ability to string words together to write and share with you. Celebrate that I don’t need help getting out of bed. Celebrate all of the things I take for granted while so many are experiencing life-altering changes in how they live and are physically able to show up in the world for themselves and others. So many people are plagued with terminal/chronic illness or physical limitations. It’s worth celebrating the ability to physically being able to take a walk. Or, if you are non-disabled, perhaps you don’t live in a safe place, and going for a walk could be a matter of life or death.
I’m starting an End-of-Life Doula training next week and, I already feel that my mortality will be at the forefront of my mind. That all of the little things in life that I fret about will be brought to the forefront and expand into the broader picture of what it means to truly LIVE – and celebrate the little things that make up my life and the legacy I hope to leave behind.
Today, I am CELEBRATING right where I sit on my birthday; who I am, the breath within me, and the temple in which my spirit and soul reside that continues to sustain me and carry me forward. So I can continue to celebrate the little things.
And finally, I CELEBRATE YOU, my dear readers and friends. You are supportive of my mission in life to talk about grief like we talk about the weather, and, for that I am grateful. Let’s CELEBRATE all of the hurting hearts who reached out for help today, around the globe. If you are one of those people, I CELEBRATE YOU. I know how hard it is to ask for help and to receive it.
CELEBRATING comes with receiving. Trust me. It always feels good to feel loved (and to give it, too).
As my dear friend Patsy says, “And Celebrate THAT!” 🥳
P.S. I sent out THIS NEWSLETTER today with information about a Virtual Healing Summit starting next week, Monday, the 8th through the 12th! I will be joining my friend Crystal live in her private Facebook Group Monday at 8 PM CST for Q&A/Discussion. You can find details to register (IT’S FREE for all Summit Presenters all week long), and all that jazz can be found HERE! I hope to see you Monday night! 🥳
Death/Dying, Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Resources |
A Griever’s Goodbye
Saying goodbye can be one of the most important parts of the grieving process. Many people want to ensure that the way they say goodbye is as true to the loved one they are grieving as possible. This is usually done through funeral and memorial preparations. However, so many people around the world today are finding their traditions being squashed due to Covid-19. Many plans that were perhaps made in the family member’s preparation who planned their funeral ahead of time or by the bereaved in advance had to be changed.
Much like grief, Covid-19 has left many people feeling like they don’t have a choice. And, that has been the case – many haven’t been given a choice as to how they bury a loved one and celebrate a departed loved one’s life. Saying goodbye to a loved one making their transition has had to change during these times. The last connection that could have otherwise happened isn’t possible. Or, in the case of a grief recovery client of mine, they couldn’t even see their loved one before they were cremated because their loved one was Covid-positive. I don’t know if this is still the case now, but for this client, that left a void in the grief that only one last look could have soothed. It’s not as if seeing their loved one would have taken their sorrow away. Rather emotionally, it does something for the heart. It’s that one last look; an opportunity to say out loud, even if their loved one isn’t hearing them in the physical sense, but spiritually, too, it’s a soothing balm to a grievers heart.
Seeing a loved one’s physical body before burial, although painful, can soothe the grieving heart. And, you may not realize this until you’re not allowed to do so. Anything less than compounds the abruptness of the loss (even if you have time to prepare yourself like a terminal illness). This abruptness also adds to the conflicting feelings. In effect, it feels like there’s an incompleteness of the experience of the burial itself, which only adds to the already conflicting feelings grief brings.
How do we make the most of horrible situations such as these?
I don’t have all of the answers. Nobody does. But, if you’re able to follow the wishes of your loved one, that’s a little piece of comfort for doing your part in following a loved one’s dying wishes. Do you know what your loved one wants? Now is a good time to ask. It doesn’t have to take a loved one dying to have an open and honest conversation about what you would like for your arrangements. If you have children (this is especially important), who do you want to be in charge of their care if something happens to you or you and your spouse/significant other at the same time? Have you had that conversation with loved ones? Do you want to be cremated? Why or why not?
We’ve been accustomed to death-aversion. We’re afraid to talk about our mortality. In so doing, we’re acknowledging that we truly only have the promise of today. I recently had a conversation with a woman by the name of Anne Jacobs. You’ll want to catch her podcast episode when it goes live on May 18th, 2021. She’s been living with metastatic breast cancer for seventeen years. SEVENTEEN YEARS, friends! Talk about a rollercoaster ride of emotions. And, she’s not alone. She shared there’s a woman in her circle that’s lived with metastatic breast cancer for twenty-five years! That’s incredible! In listening to Anne, it’s as if it becomes a lifestyle. Almost like someone who becomes a vegan yogi, only it’s a daily practice of survival. I can’t even imagine. Seriously, I can’t wait to share her episode. If you want to hear a story of hope and the importance of living for today, it’s her story. So impactful!
Going back to our loved ones’ wishes, a good friend of mine shared that a loved one had put money down on a bar tab before they died because they didn’t want everyone eating food and being sad and mopey. They wanted everyone to laugh and have a good time. Granted, over a year ago, I would’ve jumped all over that idea. Still, considering I’ve given up alcohol and I have a better understanding of how we often turn to alcohol to cope with our lives or situation, that’s not high on my list like it once was. A fun idea, though! It’s more my speed that everyone plants a tree, to be honest. I love trees. I’m especially fond of streets where the trees are so old and grown that they meet high above the road and cover the street, creating this canopy of color in the fall. That’s the kind of street I’d love to live on, too. Anyway, I digress.
If the person you love has always had a strong set of environmental principles, perhaps some of these suggestions may resonate. Of course, these suggestions are likely only possible if Covid restrictions have lessened in your part of the world/country. I hope that leadership comes to understand the importance of a proper (and desired) burial for the bereaved. Much like the kids need to be in school to obtain their education, I feel that with proper measures and the quick testing available now, that funerals can happen safely – and like they used to. It’s so important in the grieving process for people who didn’t get to be there for their loved one in the healthcare facility that they at least get to be with them in the way of a proper burial and celebration of life.
In places where restrictions have lessened, here are some suggestions – including some eco-friendly ones. I kind of like the coffin turning into a tree idea (see above). 😉 Although, that may look a bit strange in a church cemetery.
Choosing an Eco-Friendly Burial
Your loved one may not have liked the idea of a traditional burial for a lot of reasons. For one, they may not approve of setting aside a piece of land solely for themselves when they’re not conscious of using it. As such, you might want to look into more eco-friendly methods of burial. For instance, woodland burial sites are available and can be used with biodegradable coffins to help return them to the earth in the truest sense. Eco-pods that turn into trees have also been growing popular in some locations.
Cremation
Another option that is even less wasteful is foregoing a burial with a traditional casket and choosing cremation instead. Until recently, I didn’t realize that viewing was an option before cremation. Loved ones can say their goodbyes with the loved one in a casket, and later, the body is cremated. Optionally, to traditional cremation practices, you can also then return the remains of your loved one to the earth with the help of options like biodegradable wood cremation urns. This way, you can end up with no waste at all or, even if it’s not biodegradable, you can make sure it is at least made with renewable materials.
Following the Departed’s Lifestyle Choices
In the few days following the death of a loved one, you may choose to host a wake or a similar gathering if it fits with the deceased’s traditions. While wakes are mostly for the living, you may choose to make sure that it fits the principles of your loved one. If they, for instance, chose not to eat meat in life due to environmental and ethical concerns, then you may want to ensure that the wake is meat-free as well. This can also go for any meals served as part of the memorial.
Help in Their Name
Grief can be many things and take many forms, but one truth you will find almost universally is that grief is a motivator. It can particularly motivate people to act in the ways that their lost loved ones would have wanted. For instance, you can take the opportunity to arrange a donation drive or even a volunteer effort towards a local environmentally-friendly cause in the name of your loved one. This can be a wonderful memorial to go alongside a relatively cost and waste-free service, making sure that any money spent will be for a good cause.
Planting a Tree
You may want to have a memorial beside a gravestone or an urn to help you remember the person you loved. If they have touched their community’s lives, it’s not uncommon to arrange for a placard or a bench to be put up in their honor. However, it may better fit an environmentally-conscious loved one’s desires and aims to plant a tree in their honor instead (this is my wish). This way, they can contribute in some small way to creating a greener world.
Asset Priorities
If you have been left as the executor of the deceased’s last wishes, first of all – bless your heart. That is not a job for the faint of heart. And, if you’ve been chosen, it’s for a good reason. Your first job may be to see that their assets go to those that they rightfully go to. You have to follow the will of the deceased, where it can be found and, where it can’t, you may have to follow the law. However, if there are no next of kin to which you can pass their belongings, you can instead make sure that it is either reused and donated or disposed of in the most environmentally conscious of ways.
It’s important to balance the departed wishes with what is feasible and sensitive to those who are saying goodbye. You can take steps to make sure you are respectful of the one you have lost, but be sure that it does not place an undue burden on yourself. Loss, no matter if you have time to prepare or you don’t, in the end, feels abrupt. One day they’re here; the next, they are not. So, even having time in advance to sort out burial wishes and wills, and so forth, doesn’t change the fact that the grief is there. However, planning offers a great reprieve and eases the burden of making some of the most difficult decisions loved ones have to make at one of the most emotionally charged moments in their life.
All of us can do our loved ones a favor and put our wishes in writing in advance. We can have open and honest conversations with our loved ones about what we want. Again, putting it in writing is the best step forward in ensuring that your wishes are met.
End-of-Life Doula Service Coming Soon!
Stay tuned for more posts like this. Next month, I will be completing an End-of-Life Doula certification. What’s an End-of-Life Doula, you ask? An end-of-life doula is a non-medical professional trained to care for a terminally ill person’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs during the death process. While you may never have heard of this position in the healthcare field, “death doulas,” as they’re often called, are a fantastic resource for those dying and their loved ones to fill the gap of hospice care. Also, given my background as an advanced certified grief recovery specialist and Reiki Master, I feel as though I can add a level of support not found anywhere else in my region. And, living in a rural area, access to services is often at the forefront of loved one’s minds. I can’t wait to offer this service to my region. Stay tuned for more on this! And, if you know you’re already interested in this service for your loved one, please reach out via the contact form.
Love + light to you if this week’s blog post feels just a bit too timely. 💛
Educational, Grief Tips, Pespective |
Saint Valentine is a legend. I mean, consider the fact he was buried in 270 A.D. The story of Saint Valentine reads like a hero’s story. There are three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. In one legend, Saint Valentine was a priest who, after Emperor Claudius II declared single men were better soldiers than married ones, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine disagreed with this injustice and continued to marry young lovers in secret. When the secret was out, he was put to death. There was another Saint Valentine who was a bishop. He, too, was beheaded by Claudius II. There’s also another story that Valentine helped Christians escape the harsh Roman prisons. Once imprisoned himself, he fell in love with the jailor’s daughter who had visited him. Before his death, the legend is that he wrote her a letter and signed “From your Valentine.” Regardless of which of the three Saint Valentine stories or legends you believe, it doesn’t change that he became one of the most popular saints in England and France. And doesn’t change that, centuries later, the romanticism of any one of their heroism sparks the hearts of many today.
Isn’t it romantic, though, to have someone passionately fight for the injustice of others? Isn’t it romantic how all of these Saints were self-sacrificing and ultimately gave their lives for the sake of others? That’s a special kind of love. I suppose you could say it’s the love of humankind.
What has been lost on Valentine’s Day since that time? It’s become so commercialized since that time, and, to be honest, I kind of love those Valentine stories more than the love interest stories we see depicted in society today.
We all love a good hero’s journey story. There is drama, hardship, or challenge, and then the comeback storyline. The main character triumphs over their own challenges and inspires others. I love stories like these and have heard them repeatedly when conversing with guests for my podcast.
What do stories like these have to do with Valentine’s Day? People in these stories became their own heroes. They had enough love for themselves to create the changes they needed to make. What do you think happens when people turn the love to others toward themselves? And, I’m not talking ego-type love or vanity. I’m talking, life has beaten you down, you’ve had enough, and you want to become the best version of yourself, so you take action to do that. You love yourself enough to invest time, money, and resources into yourself. This is radical self-love to me.
So, this Valentine’s Day, like me, you’re not living in Roman times and aren’t facing possible beheading for being self-sacrificing for the love of humankind. But, you may be in a healthy, loving relationship. And, maybe you have the time, money, resources, or ability to give back to humankind in other ways. We have the ability to bring about what Saint Valentine (pick any of the three) made Valentine’s Day out to be – a day to be of service in the name of the love of humankind.
If you find yourself down in the dumps this Valentine’s Day, consider how good it would feel to do something to give back to humankind in a way only you can. Fill your own heart with the love you may be missing from someone else by giving to others or giving that love to yourself. You can declare this Valentine’s Day as a “Self-Love Day.” By the way, this month, I have a theme for my newsletter, and it’s all about self-love. So far, I’ve talked about the power of our breath and challenging ourselves. Curious what those topics have to do with self-love? Sign up here and, I’ll include the links to the previous editions in this coming week’s newsletter, which will be all about boundaries. 😉
What will you do this Valentine’s Day? Make it about the love of humankind or radical self-love? I’m all for both, and there’s no right or wrong. Depending on our circumstances and experiences (for example, this is your first Valentine’s Day without your spouse who died), a small act of self-love may be all you can muster. And, that’s okay. You don’t need anyone’s permission to spend this Valentine’s Day how you please. Know you’re not alone, though, and perhaps someone you know who may also be alone could use some company, too? And, I would bet Saint Valentine would smile upon you for extending your hand to another hurting heart this Valentine’s Day. ❤
P.S. Did you know? If you’ve experienced divorce or estrangement and are ready to work through that relationship, the grief recovery method isn’t just for grievers grieving someone who has died. In fact, we are often emotionally incomplete with those who are living. If you’re ready to move beyond that relationship, get in touch at [email protected] ❤
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Personal, Pespective |
Surviving to Thriving – is this a phrase you can get behind for 2021?
I recently was interviewed for an online event that’s taking place in March that’s bringing all sorts of presenters on the topic of suicide and grief and loss. I talked about how I have seen the transition of traditional in-person support groups moving to the online space.
The online grief community is a wonderful space to be in when you’re grieving, not to feel isolated and alone. However, the caution I want to bring to the table is when “surviving” becomes a badge of honor that goes from being shiny and new to tattered and worn?
I’ve begun to notice how this pattern of “survivor-hood” keeps individuals stuck in their grief. For example, the term “Suicide Survivor” has become a popular phrase. Whether you lost a loved one to suicide or attempted yourself, giving yourself that label eventually does more harm than good.
And here’s why…
We all embrace some identity for ourselves. I am a wife, mother, entrepreneur, podcaster, and writer. By telling anyone these five things about myself, certain assumptions can be made – social profiling, if you will. These are all also labels I identify as. So, in conversations with a group of women you may meet for the first time, as a mother, if someone else mentions their a mom, you will usually mention the same. It’s an identity that you use (and take on and live into) in relating to others.
When it comes to grief, I can say I’m a griever. I identify myself as a griever – a lifelong one at that. There are assumptions one can make about that phrase, too. Shouldn’t I be over it already? The “lifelong” bit speaks to how I identify as a child-griever, too.
All the identities we wear…to relate, understand and make sense of this experience we call life.
But, when do these identities do us a disservice? When do identities do more harm than good?
I’ll tell you…
When they’re keeping you stuck, and you’re not evolving the identity.
What Evolving Looks Like
Evolving looks like new knowledge and tools that you’re implementing to create positive, lasting changes in your life.
Evolving can look like baby steps one day to a lived out, all in commitment the next. For example, maybe you commit to exercising 3 days per week for a month, and the next month you add one more day per week. It’s starting out taking small steps towards positive change and incrementally adding to it.
This applies to healing as well. Maybe you decide to start meditating one day per week for 5 minutes. Once you master that, you add in more days at 5 minutes and then follow up with more time.
Healing takes time; this we all know to be true. We can have an epiphany moment that shifts everything into a new perspective instantly, but we can’t see the label from inside the jar. We must experience life beyond our comfort zone to evolve. And, this holds true when it comes to healing. We also can’t see a situation for what it is when we’re stuck in the weeds. So, surrounding ourselves with others who are also stuck in the weeds doesn’t do much for our growth.
Tying this back to support groups, I’m not poo-pooing them in the least. In fact, I think they serve a wonderful purpose, particularly when they’re action-focused. And, that’s the difference. What good does it do anyone to show up week after week, often not with the same people, to hear stories of others’ deep grief and sharing our own, with no hope that you’ll ever get out of the state of being? This is not thriving; this is surviving.
And, I don’t know about you or your loved one, but my father died at 44. He didn’t get the chance at a full life. His potential and life experience were both cut short. I’m quickly approaching 44 myself. When I turned 40, I knew that something in my life needed to change radically, or I would find myself heading down the same path of dis-ease as my father.
My father had a lot of grief in his life. He was a Vietnam Vet and was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer in the midst of raising young children. Add this grief to all the years of loss experience before it and, I’m not surprised he died young – all but one of his siblings has passed, and all died younger than 70. He grew up like many of us do, learning the opposite of what to do with grief; it’s the generational learning I often speak about. We resort to what we know and have been taught. If you haven’t read my blog post about the six myths of grief, that’s a great place to start.
Anyway, my question for you is, as you reflect on the grief you’ve experienced in your life and that’s stacked up over the years, do you feel as though you are surviving, or can you honestly say you are thriving in your life? Because if you’re not thriving, something is keeping you stuck. It very well could be the company you keep and the support in which you surround yourself.
We don’t get where we want to be in this life by holding on to what is incomplete from the past or sticking with people who are stuck in their past. We can pull people along with us, too, but they have to want to find healing. This is has been one of the biggest challenges for me as a certified grief recovery specialist. I watch people every day, online, ruminate on what can’t be changed. Is there a natural ebb and flow and twisty-turvy experience to grief? Absolutely! It’s definitely not a linear, point A. to point B. experience; not in the least. However, and I can only speak from my own experience, after 30 years of grieving, that boulder on my shoulders only got bigger over time – until I took action.
Time only passes. It’s the action we take in time that matters.
Do yourself a favor, do a check of the Facebook groups you’re in or the online grief accounts you follow that don’t give bring you a sense of hope. If you leave the conversations feeling worse about your life, grief, or situation, that’s your heart speaking to you. I have heard some of the most horrendous stories from grievers on my podcast. But every last one of those souls never lost hope and found a way to get to the other side of the depths of their pain. However long that takes you is your journey, too, so as not to confuse you because there is no timeline for grief. Again, it’s the action you take that matters. Even baby steps matter and compound over time, too.
If I had a magic wand, I would wave it over all of the grievers I know and meet. It would be the magic wand of openness and curiosity.
Until we are open to the possibility of healing, healing can’t find its way to us. And, unless we’re curious, we’re never going to open the door to what could help us heal.
Are you tired of feeling how you feel? Reach out. I’m only an email away. And, now on my website, you can schedule a 90-minute Heart With Ears session to experience a space to be seen, heard, and if you’re ready, a path forward.
I love you, and you can do hard things.
Educational, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
Perhaps your mental health is in a good place right now. That’s great news!
But there’s a good chance that other people around you aren’t doing so well. Perhaps they complain of feeling depressed, anxious, or panicky.
What can you do to help people in situations like these?
While you can’t always make them better, there are techniques that you can use to support them through a trying time.
What’s more, anyone can improve their skills to help others deal with mental health issues. The most effective remedy is often just a simple display of love and a listening ear.
- Ask Them If They Would Like You To Contact Someone
When somebody is going through a challenging period of mental health, it can be hard for them to muster the energy to do anything about their condition. The thought of picking up the phone and talking to a professional can be exhausting for them. Many want to avoid it, even if it could improve how they feel in the long run.
Here’s where you can step in. You can get the ball rolling by just offering to contact a professional and make an appointment. Once the consultation is scheduled, it creates a focus for the day, making it much more likely that they will get the help they need.
There are a lot of options available out there when it comes to professional services. From a partial hospitalization program to many therapy courses, it’s worth exploring what’s out there.
If you notice that their behavior has recently changed, perhaps they’re giving away possessions, don’t be afraid to ask them if they are thinking about harming themselves or others. If someone is experiencing suicidal ideation, ask if they’re thinking of harming themselves, which will likely catch them off guard. That’s not a question most people are willing to ask. However, it’s a question they may be waiting to be asked, too. For someone to open the door of conversation around suicidal thoughts.
One valid concern people have about asking someone if they’re thinking about harming themselves is the thought that they may follow through if asked. If someone is already having those thoughts, your asking isn’t putting the idea in their head – it’s already there. But, it does show that you’re willing to go there, to listen and support, because you’re asking that one question that’s not easy to ask.
Sometimes, it can be hard to know what to do when somebody is in the throes of a mental health issue. If you don’t have the training, you often feel powerless.
Taking mental health first aid courses, however, could help. The idea here is to equip you with the skills you need to manage a crisis until the cavalry arrives – similar to what a paramedic does. When it comes to suicide prevention, there’s the QPR method, which also offers online training.
Knowing what strategies you should use is a massively empowering experience. Suddenly, you feel competent, like you can actually do something to assist people you care about.
People going through mental health difficulties will often tell you the source of their problems. But a lot of the time, we have our ideas for what’s wrong.
Even if you think you’re right, it’s important to listen. Just feeling heard is often enough to rescue a lot of people from their darkest moods. Knowing that somebody is out there looking after their welfare is massively reassuring.
Often, something has happened, asking the question: Was there anything, in particular, that happened that is causing these feelings?
- Understand When You Can’t Help
We each have our limits. Not everyone can be a trained psychotherapist or expert psychologist.
So when supporting someone with mental health issues, it’s critical to recognize that there’s a cap on what you can achieve. Yes, you can usually help a little bit. But you can’t erase problems that affect people at a deep level. That takes a lot of time and self-work on their part. It’s not part of your job description any more than it’s a part of mine. Even in grief recovery, it’s a self-discovery, an inner-work process.
Like the health of the rest of the body, mental health is a long journey of self-discovery of what works and what doesn’t. The key is being open to possibility, surrounding oneself with support and accountability, and understanding it’s an evolutionary process. Also, challenging belief patterns keep the cyclic behavior and thoughts repeating.
Sending you love + light today and always.
