T-L: Vietnam, T-R: Already in Stage IV Cancer, Middle-L: Diagnosed at Stage IV Colon cancer; I was going to “fix” my dad, Bottom-L: Combing my dad’s hair for church, Bottom-R: My dad’s last birthday with 8 months to live
It didn’t hit me until I saw the words that felt like a punch in the gut…
#deaddadclub
A few days ago, I started a blog post that was going to dig a bit deeper into inspiration and what it means to me. However, I was on Instagram and I saw the hashtag #deaddadclub within a post talking about this woman’s loss and upcoming Father’s Day. I realized, at that moment, that I had never allowed myself to honor my father on father’s day. I also hadn’t felt so pierced in the heart by three words.
I’m in a club of many members. I know this. But I think what I’ve longed for is connecting with others, who, like myself, lost their father’s during childhood. I have come to know that there has been a connection I’ve longed for all my life and have been missing. What we lack in childhood, we continually search for in adulthood, don’t you think?
Old Wounds
While I shared first (as we always do as facilitators of the Grief Recovery Method) in my Grief Recovery Group, I felt a deep sorrow well up within me when I began to share about my uncle’s passing in 2017. I share more about the relationship in my book, but the gist of it is is that, when my father passed away, there no longer was contact with father’s side of the family – including my uncle. However, 30 years later, when I learned my uncle was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I made the decision to go see him. That visit and the several that followed were life-changing. And, I do believe, that experience is what ultimately led me to The Grief Recovery Institute because I realized I was not okay. And, it is no coincidence to me that I wrote my book when I did, as it was in the editing phase when I learned of his cancer diagnoses.
Being in the presence of my uncle felt like I was in the presence of my dad. The sad inner-child in me came to the surface and I had no idea what to do with those feelings. For the past two years since my uncle’s passing, although life has given me little to complain about, I had been feeling like I was not living with purpose. And, I also felt like I was still looking for meaning in my suffering. I spent the past two years STERB’ing (participating in short-term energy relieving behaviors) by working, serving my family/others, and doing my best to create something that could help others and (to me) failed to do so. The universe was telling me “Not yet, you’re not ready. You have inner-work to do first.” The death of my uncle was a reminder that I had a lot of healing to do and the experience I had at my group the other night – is another.
Moving Beyond Grief
We are always a work-in-progress; this is the evolution of our hearts, spirit, and our lives. The Grief Recovery Method has opened my heart in the most unexpected ways. It has also brought me the awareness I only wish I had received in my early 20’s.
As I walk with others in their grief, I am also continually walking through mine. It is a shared experience and grief is the one thing that unites us all because we all experience it. I am beyond thankful that I now have the tools to process what I’m feeling and the village around me to do so, too.
This will be the first year I am allowing myself to honor my dad for Father’s Day and I’m going to do something different. I have something in mind but we’ll see…I will definitely share an update. There has always been one date that has stuck in my mind when I’ve thought about my dad: March 31st, 1987 – the day he died; not his birthday (a year and a day before my mom’s – July 30th, 1942), and certainly not Father’s Day. I think it’s a good time to change that and begin to celebrate the 8 short years I did get to have him in my life. His death may have changed the trajectory of my life, but it will no longer keep me the stuck 8-year-old in my heart; that – I can change.
2019 has already been a big year for me. My goal is to make 2019 a big year for many, many other grieving hearts as well.
Are you ready to feel empowered by your grief, rather than isolated, hurting, and fearful because of it? Let’s turn 2019 around for you, too. Sign up for my newsletter below and be kept up to date on future informational talks on grief, upcoming group announcements, and weekly inspiration & nudges about grief and personal growth from my heart to yours – straight to your inbox every Wednesday. <3 It’s never too soon and it’s never too late to begin to heal. I can attest to that!
Every 12.8 seconds someone completes suicide. Every year, more than 600,000 kids experience foster care. And, 1 in 20 children will experience the death of a parent or sibling before age 18 (this may be higher). Add on the statistics for the death of spouse or child, divorce, miscarriage, loss of a pet, all the intangible losses (loss of trust, for example), and all of the more than 40 losses – I’d say grief is a pretty big deal. Agree? Also, the economic cost is over $75 billion annually, too. And moreover, the medical costs associated with grief as well.
Grief costs us all. Aside from the obvious costs, we also lose time; of being able to be present in our lives. Especially in the early days of grief, where the days run together and life around moves on but you feel like you’re stuck in some parallel universe, watching life all around you sail by.
We are robbed of so much when we’re feeling lost in our feelings and resist giving them a voice. The feelings seem to have nowhere to go or we don’t know what to do with them all when they rush in. So to cope, we stuff them down and bury them or turn to things to occupy our time and minds (alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, exercise, workaholism, etc.). Unless we’re blessed to have a heart with ears (listening ear) that doesn’t attempt to fix and hold space for us, then we isolate. And, I think eventually cut ourselves off from others regardless, because we have this notion that others get sick of hearing the story, right? Get on with it! Get over it! It’s been 2 years, you should be over it by now. Even if no one ever speaks these words, you feel them. I know these words well. Thirty years – you’d think I’d be over it by now, too. And there it is – a myth about grief that time heals all wounds. Time does nothing but pass, friends. Time doesn’t heal squat. It’s the action you take within time that makes the difference – nothing else.
You know what grief has cost you. I don’t need to tell you. You feel it and know it well within your heart; you just haven’t articulated it out loud. Because acknowledging out loud what grief has cost you will mean you’re in the position of awareness. You then have a choice to make – ignore it and go on with your buried grief feelings or the hard choice – face those feelings head-on.
Only you know when the time is right for you to move beyond your grief. Just make sure you’re not holding on to what is familiar out of fear.
“…As a seed buried in the earth cannot imagine itself as an orchid or hyacinth, neither can a heart packed with hurt imagine itself loved or at peace. The courage of the seed is that once cracked; it cracks all the way.” – Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening
P.S. Want to receive weekly inspiration & encouragement straight to your inbox? As well as info on upcoming free talks and info on 1:1/Group Grief Support? Click the Subscribe Banner below, enter your name & email, and you’re all set! xx
So far, my turning 40 birthday month has been amazing and filled with many firsts.
The biggest first is taking a solo flying trip. I got back earlier this week from Austin, TX, where I spent 6 days for a grief recovery certification training of the grief recovery method. I’d love to share a bit about my trip – the highs, the lows (and there were big ones), and everything in between.
First, going from snow and cold temps to – what I thought would be 70’s (with rain expected some days), was the first joy of my trip. Austin, however, pleasantly surprised me with even warmer temps than expected and apparently, unusually sunny, Goldilocks-type days.
My first day there, I met up with a gal that I’ve known since around 2010 or so from a senior photographer FB group. It was sooooo fun meeting her and actually connecting in real life.
The following day, I met a gal who I’ve followed for quite some time and who I consider a mentor – Phoebe Mroczek. I’ve listened to her podcast, The Unbecoming (which I highly recommend, by the way) for the past year, and she is as down-to-earth in person as she is online. We shared goals and aspirations and it was great to connect in real life. Because let’s face it, ND isn’t exactly the epi-center for entrepreneurs. There’s a snowball’s chance in hell of any entrepreneurial event happening that would draw in people from around the country in my neck of the woods! LOL! If that’s the case for you, too – never be afraid to reach out to your online people, when traveling, to meet up! I’m so glad I did!
I enjoyed a wonderful stroll down the river, where I came upon a little stand where they were giving away free pints of ice cream! You’ll see it’s made with cashew milk and I gotta say, despite not loving pecans, this ice cream was sooooooo good! Highly recommend! I was told you can find it at Target and, I think, Wal-Mart as well. Worth checking out, for sure!
To my delight (and truly, I was happy like a child), I made an unexpected friend while on a tour of Austin, where we visited the cemetery where some well-known people are buried – including veteran Chris Kyle. My new friend is originally from Burma (borders Thailand) and living in Kona, HI. She was in Austin for training different from mine but somewhat in the same arena, so we had a topic of interest off the bat. After the tour, she asked me to join her to eat and we ended up talking for over five hours. She shared about Buddhism and about her homeland, as well as her life in HI. We’ve connected since that meeting again and I know I have gained a life-long friend.
The first 2 days of my trip, reminded me of all the great blessings God brings me in the most unexpected ways. But, I was open to receiving, too. And maybe that’s the lesson the first two days taught me: keep your heart open. Love over fear – always.
The next four days of the trip would be some of the most challenging four days of my life. Despite this being a certification training, a part of the training is to experience the process yourself that you will take others through. The method is to complete a loss-relationship in two of the four days. What made this experience even more intense is that the morning of the first day of training, I was awfully sick (puking, nausea, and you know what). I spent the entire day lying on the floor just so I could be present. Fortunately, I had the read the book prior, so hearing it in person, reinforced what I had read.
To begin with, Austin wasn’t the plan either, as I had originally registered for a training a 5-hour drive from me, however, that ended up being canceled. The next nearest training wasn’t until October. Austin just happened to be at the same time and I already had the time off. And, honestly – I just felt in my gut it had to be now and not later.
The Grief Recovery Method, once learned, is a method of healing you can utilize the rest of your life with loss of any kind that feels significant and with relationships of those both deceased and living.
I am beyond excited to be able to bring such a service to my community and surrounding communities. To start, I can only do in-person Grief Recovery work, however, it is a goal of mine to complete additional training down the road, that will enable me to conduct online Grief Recovery (i.e. bring healing) to anyone anywhere!
In the weeks ahead, I will share more about this wonderful program. I can say, with my whole heart, this can be transformational (i.e. life changing). And, I only say can be because you truly do get out of it what you’re willing to put into it. You have to allow yourself to feel all the hard feelings and be completely honest with yourself because that’s where the healing is.
This program is generally 8 weeks, however, as I mentioned in training, you do the intense work in two days – so it is a very intense experience. There is an advanced training I can take down the road that would allow me to also conduct the 2-day process in a weekend workshop, too. But to start, in the 8-week program, it’s broken down into weekly chunks of information.
My Personal Grief Recovery Method Experience
In my experience, having gone through it, I would say that it’s not that I’ll never feel sad again or grieve what I’ve lost, however, I don’t have this immense attachment to the grief itself anymore. It’s as if we hold on to what is familiar, but I no longer feel weighed down by it. The perfect analogy for me is this: before, I felt like I was treading water in a sea of grief. It was an exhausting vicious cycle, knowing that my life decisions were being dictated by this over-arching feeling of loss. And now, I feel like I’m swimming again. The grief is still there but it’s me moving with the current, not being bogged down by it. Does that make sense? I want others to experience this transformation, too. I felt called to this program the moment I found it – I knew it was it. I could cry in gratitude for this experience. It’s a freedom I’ve never felt. And, I can say never because I’ve been carrying these rocks since I was 8. Moreover, you learn tools on how to be a better listener, how to better communicate, and knowledge of how to complete other/future losses that you will have forever. No one can ever take this experience or knowledge from you.
This program had me feeling like I dropped a backpack of rocks that I’ve been adding to all my life. I feel lighter today than I did before this program and am so grateful I listened to my heart and gut.
If you are in my area and desire healing, stay tuned. If you’re not in my area, I encourage you to seek out a Grief Recovery Specialist in your area via the Institute website. There are programs geared specifically for loss of a pet, one in the works specifically for loss of relationship/divorce, and also one for parents to help children grieve (love this one – it’s prevention at the heart of it). I have plans on offering these, too, as well as providing talks to businesses/organizations that feel their business/organization could benefit. We all could benefit from listening skills, right?
Grief – Impacting Our Economy & Other Areas of Life
Also, there is statistical data on the financial and productivity impact grief has on businesses and organizations and I will be sharing more info on that to come as well. It’s the one thing that unites us all – no one is immune and we all have it and we bring it to our careers, families, and all relationships. And, although you may feel as though you’ve dealt with it, I encourage you to dig deep and ask yourself if failed relationships, bankruptcy, broken family relationships, lack of or loss of friendships, may not be due to any relationship you’ve had that you wished would have been better, different, or more. I guarantee there’s something there you’ve likely buried and locked away. I did and The Grief Recovery Method was my key.
If you’ve made it this far – bless your heart. xx Stay tuned to future blog posts where I will share a bit more of the ins & outs of the program and other healing tidbits. In the meantime, I encourage you to sign up for my weekly newsletter, as upcoming talks and future group info will be shared there first with those most expressing interest in knowing more.
Yours in grief and for choosing love over fear – always. <3
P.S. Are you in my area and interested in being a part of my first pilot, 8-week group pilot program? I’m looking for up to 6 people who are wanting to heal a loss-relationship that they wish could be/could have been better, different, or more and heal that relationship once and for all, but are also willing to commit to their healing for 8 weeks – once weekly for approximately two hours each time. This is not a drop-in-and-out program. Commitment is required – it is the only way you can heal and also be reliable support to others in the group. Sound like you? Reply to this email and let’s chat.
P.P.S.There is also an opportunity for one person to work with me in-person 1:1. Although I highly encourage the group dynamic (for various reasons), sometimes, a 1:1 is more fitting. Get in touch and we can discuss if you think you’d prefer in-person 1:1.
P.P.P.S. It is also worth noting that those that take advantage of the pilot programs, will benefit from a greatly reduced investment. There is nothing you need and all materials are provided. Why not do this for free? I wish I could, however, aside from my cost and time, it’s likely you wouldn’t do the work without an investment of some kind. There is something about investing in yourself that flips a switch in your mind that you value something more if you invest in it. I know this to be true of myself, too. But I also know, when everything else I’ve tried in my life, including trying to work through it on my own and therapy – nothing worked until this. True story. This program is the act of choosing love for yourself.
Home…I love the word. It wasn’t always that way, however.
For a lot of people, home is a place they, too, would rather avoid because it’s a place of grief, sadness, or discontent – all the things a home shouldn’t be.
Home, for a time, was a place where the show Hee-Haw could be heard in the background or Tom Brokaw’s soothing voice on NBC Nightly News, while my mom was busy mommy-ing in the kitchen making her “famous” dumplings (even though she always cheated using frozen bread dough – I didn’t care, though).
However, days such as these were short-lived.
Before long, my home would become a space filled with great sadness with an empty seat at the table, where the occasional “family” meal consisted of a noodle dish of some kind.
Home would change again – when a new presence would walk in the door. Only, this is the point in time where home would become a place I couldn’t wait to escape.
Arguments. So many arguments. Smoking – lots of it. Trash-talking; plenty of that to go around, too. And aside from weekends where I was expected to be Joan Cleaver, a Merry Maid, and the lawn-keeper, it was me (most of the time) with a lonely bowl of Fruity Pebbles…lots of Fruity Pebbles.
Home: it means something entirely different to me now and has changed its meaning throughout my life. We’ve all heard the expression: home is where the heart is? But what if the heart is broken? What if the home is broken?
Change The Meaning of Home
I got to thinking – what if home was what we made it in our hearts or what we decided we wanted it to be? Can we escape to the inner-room that is the center of our souls – where dreams and aspirations sit quietly and patiently waiting…yearning to be acknowledged?
For a lot of years, I did just that – escaped by going inward, trying to find ways to express myself outwardly that wouldn’t add to the discontent of home.
Raising a teenager today has brought up a lot of the angst I know I felt as a teen. And, it’s gotten me thinking, too: I wonder how our kids perceive home? And, I wonder how they perceive their inner-home, too.
Ponder This…
Just as we sweep off the doorsteps of our physical home, it’s often releasing to clear away the dust, dirt, and grime of our inner-home as well.
What does home feel like to you today?
What has it felt like through the years?
And, what, more importantly, does your inner-home (your heart-center soul) feel like these days?
I happen to know where you can find a broom, friend.
In times of highly-intense emotional upset, children are often cast aside with their grief. I don’t believe adults mean to do this, it’s just in that highly emotional state, they can barely navigate their own feelings, much less the feelings of a child. And, the child could exhibit behavior or communicate that they are handling things well – or, better than expected.
This type of assumption could not be farther from the truth. Children do not have the mental capacity to process such a strong emotion as grief on their own. They need to be led by example and need to be allowed to express their sorrow just like an adult is given the reverence to do so.
Communication about grief is, and should be, determined by the child’s age. The older the child is, the more they can talk about their sadness, which significantly helps. Not talking about it, however, teaches a very negative lesson around grief. Also, not holding space for a child to share their experience is sending a message that their feelings aren’t valid – they are not worthy to be heard because they’re just a kid, and they’ll bounce right back because kids are resilient. Right? Wrong.
Speaking from experience, when I was eight, and my father died, I was cast aside with my grief. In hindsight, I felt like I was invisible. Occasionally, someone would come along and pat me on the head or shoulder. However, in the late ’80s (and truthfully, even today), adults are not equipped to navigate their own grief, much less the emotional pain of a child.
Adults just don’t know what to do or say to or for a grieving child. This indifference to a child’s grief sorely impacts that child their entire life. How can it not? Think about your own unresolved grief you experienced as an adult has affected your life? It’s reasonable to assume, then, that children carry the impact of not resolving or communicating their grief as children into adulthood, including all future relationships. This is not to include any subsequent grief that may be experienced down the road that gets stacked on top of the old, unresolved grief in childhood.
Children are the forgotten grievers of society. While adults are wrapped up in their own turmoil of death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a beloved pet, financial ruin, homelessness, etc…there is a child or children experiencing the same life upsets. They, too, are human with all the same needs.
What are we as a society to do to help children who are grieving?
Deal with our grief, so we’re prepared and capable of helping others, including children, whether they are our own or not.
Take the time to learn tools and communication skills around grief when talking to children.
Get schools involved in grief communication and what signs to look for in children who may be dealing with grief-causing situations at home or while at school.
Never assume a grieving child is okay. One grieving child may be acting out negatively, and another may be reserved and not socializing. There is no cookie-cutter response to grief in children (or adults) because humans are not cookie-cutter.
In closing, if you are an adult with children and are experiencing grief, your children likely are as well. I implore you to seek help and outside resources, not only for yourself but also for your child or children. It’s never too late. That said, because grief never goes away, it will always manifest in a person’s life. Learning coping skills and communicating and resolving grief is the only way to feel free of grief’s grip. Not prioritizing healing is choosing to suffer.
Bury your grief, stuff it down, and lock it away all you want – it’s always there below the surface. If you take an inventory of your life and your relationships, however, you will see the consequence of not resolving your grief has affected your life – and of those closest to you that are in it.
P.S. Have you experienced grief during childhood? If you’re open to sharing your story and experience (especially if it’s similar but doesn’t have to be), I’d love to share in your experience, too. It’s not easy to find other life-long grievers open to sharing their story and I get that. Know, though, I’ve been there, too. Leave a comment below, if you’re comfortable, if not reach out via email at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com with “Childhood Grief” in the subject line or DM me on Instagram @theunleashedheart. I look forward to hearing your story. xx
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The biggest first is taking a solo flying trip. I got back earlier this week from Austin, TX, where I spent 6 days for a grief recovery certification training of the grief recovery method. I’d love to share a bit about my trip – the highs, the lows (and there were big ones), and everything in between.
