Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
In this article, we will discuss survivor’s guilt, what it is, and potential treatments that can help those experiencing it.
Though survivor’s guilt has always existed in some form, the term itself was used to describe the feelings of those who had survived the holocaust during World War Two. It refers to the complex range of emotions experienced by people who have survived a severe accident, attack, natural disaster, or illness where others have died. It is often found among armed forces veterans who have served on active duty.
Those with survivor’s guilt cannot explain why they have survived while others haven’t. They might not feel worthy or despair at the situation’s unfairness. If you’ve been in an accident or an attack where a loved one has died, the condition can feel even more intense as you may feel as though you should have died instead of them.
Rather than being a disorder, survivor’s guilt may be categorized as a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but these are not mutually exclusive. PTSD is often treated with talking therapies, EMDR, and self EMDR in addition to any recommended medication.
Symptoms of Survivors’ Guilt
The severity of the symptoms that come with survivor’s guilt are wide and affect people to a greater or lesser extent and can manifest as both mental and physical signs, including:
- Flashbacks
- Guild
- Intrusive thoughts of the event or situation
- Feeling unworthy
- Feeling helpless
- Mood swings
- Suicidal ideation
Physical symptoms include:
- Changes in eating habits
- Headaches
- Nausea
- Insomnia
- Palpitations
Survivors’ guilt can leave you with complex feelings about yourself and others. For example, you might obsess over the event, convincing yourself that you were to blame or that you should have been able to influence the outcome.
If you’ve survived a serious illness, you might feel like you weren’t worthy and that much better people than you who died should have lived.
Even if you’re usually a well-balanced person who can put things into perspective, survivor’s guilt can cause you to question everything about yourself and the world. You might even blame yourself for it happening, even if there was no way for you to have influenced or prevented events.
Who Can Develop Survivor’s Guilt?
Anyone can experience survivor’s guilt after an accident or illness. It depends on the circumstances and severity of the situation and your mental state. Researchers have linked the development of survivor’s guilt to a person’s ‘locus of control.’ This describes how much control over their lives people believe they have. If you don’t believe that things are ‘just meant to be’ or beyond your control, you might find it easier to accept the situation.
If you believe that all circumstances and situations can be anticipated and controlled, then you might be more inclined to blame yourself.
Other indicators could include:
- Previous history of trauma or experience or a similar situation (with or without PTSD)
- Poor self-image and low self-esteem
- Existing mental health conditions such as depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder
- Poor access to mental health support
- Lack of social network and support
Treatment for Survivors’ Guilt
Those experiencing this condition can have serious mental health issues, affecting all aspects of their lives. It is often also accompanied by PTSD and other parts of psychological and physical trauma.
Any treatment plan must consider all of these factors to be effective. A mental health professional can use a range of treatments, including:
Individual or group therapy sessions include other people who have survived similar situations.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be used to identify negative thought patterns and learn to replace them with others to change thought patterns and assess the situation realistically.
In some situations, your doctor might feel you would benefit from taking certain medications such as anti-depressants or sleep aids to help with insomnia. This can be done alongside other types of treatment and therapy, and it may take a combination of treatments to help put you on the track to recovery.
Conclusion
Surviving an accident, illness, or traumatic event is liable to make anyone feel guilt or ‘why me?’ thoughts. For many people, these thoughts eventually go away or are manageable, but for some, they can affect the quality of life and leave a lasting mark on your mental health and well-being, which is why it’s essential to seek help as soon as you can.
Addiction, Educational, Grief Tips, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
Addiction can happen to anyone, at any time, and at any age. Even the most loving families often have members who are struggling and who turn to substances to help them to get through the day. Addiction is not a weakness, and it’s not something that you can wish away. If you are struggling with a substance use disorder, I imagine it’s all you can think about. If you have a family member who is dealing with this kind of pressure and stress, the best thing that you can do is learn how you can help them. Helping them through their addiction is the only way to get through it together, and that’s why you need to learn what to do next.
In addition to taking some steps to get your loved one into a treatment facility such as a place like Delphi Health Group, it’s important as a family member to have an understanding of addiction and how to continue to take care of your health while you are supporting them. Just because you’re not the one dealing with the addiction, doesn’t mean that you’re not dealing with the consequences.
Let’s take a look at 10 tips that can help you support someone struggling with substance use disorder.
- Read as much as you can. As somebody watching from a distance, it can make you feel very helpless to see somebody struggling so much and not be able to do anything about it. The thing is, you can do something, and that something is to educate yourself. Read as much as you can and learn as much as possible about addiction and what it means for your family member. You cannot experience addiction for them, but you can understand as best you can what they are dealing with, how they are feeling, and what they could be looking into for the future.
- Connect with your friends. It’s not easy to live with or support somebody who has an addiction to a substance, which means that as much as you want to be the support system, you need a support system yourself. Speak to your friends and see who you can get to help you with this situation so that you can at least feel like you have someone to lean on. Connecting with peers can very much be a lifeline for you. There are also support groups available, in some areas, for the families who care for someone struggling with substance use.
- Encourage family therapy. The problem with addiction is that the addiction itself is selfish. Your family member who is suffering is not selfish – I will just say that – but the addiction is inherently selfish because it pulls that person into it without guilt or consequence. Your family member wants to care for themselves but they cannot. Your family member wants to care more for you and their other family members. However, they can’t. Addiction is something that takes a lot of strength from a person, so encouraging family therapy is a good idea. You cannot shame somebody out of addiction, but you can find support for your family while you are going through it together. Also finding a treatment facility that not only addresses the addiction but any past trauma that may have led to addiction, like at Inner Voyage Recovery Center in Atalanta, GA.
- Do the little things. Well, they’re not little things. While you can’t pull somebody from an addiction, you can make sure their basic needs are met. Do they have clean clothing? Are they bathing and grooming themselves? Do they need access to food or shelter?
- Manage your personal expectations. When someone struggling with substance use disorder enters treatment, the whole family goes on this recovery journey. There is a sense of palpable hope that runs through the group, but you need to manage your expectations. Just because somebody enters into rehabilitation services, doesn’t mean they are going to be instantly better. This is going to take time. You need to be willing to see the whole thing through from rehab and beyond.
- Do things that make you happy. Your whole life cannot be about somebody else’s addiction. You have to be responsible for your own joy, and your own bliss. This means that every time you have somebody in your family who is recovering from addiction, you’re going to have to move the spotlight off of them occasionally and put it back onto yourself. While you are busy caring for another person, you have to remember to care for yourself.
- Make sure you exercise. Getting out of the house, getting out of a space with somebody who is addicted to a substance, and going out into nature can make a big difference to how you feel; it’s a benefit to your mental health and well-being. It is not easy to be one-to-one with somebody who cannot help but want their addiction and their substance. Get outside and breathe some fresh air; you need the break.
- Make sure that you’re getting sleep. If you want to help somebody in your family who is dealing with addiction, you have to help yourself first and foremost. It is not selfish to put yourself first, and that means making sure that you are sleeping. It may be helpful to work with a therapist who can help you emotionally cope with the circumstances at hand, to make sure that you are able to get as much sleep as you need to feel better within yourself.
- Attend therapy for yourself. Family and group therapies are not your only option. You can take yourself to a private therapist and talk to them about the struggle that you are having being a caregiver to somebody who is addicted to a substance. If you want to help someone struggling with a substance use disorder in your family, you have to ensure that you are well supported so that you are in the right frame of mind to do that. Addiction is not easy, and this is not something you should ever have to deal with by yourself. If you are getting somebody you love the help they need, you need to ensure you are receiving help, too. Imagine how much better the relationship could be if you both re-enter the relationship having addressed your “stuff” individually.
- Be their advocate. There is so much misinformation that surrounds addiction, and for some people, addiction is a weakness – somebody didn’t have the willpower to stay away from an escape. Addiction is chemical, and it’s not a weakness. If you want to help somebody in your family with their addiction, you must do what you can to advocate for them at all times. And, advocate for yourself within the relationship, too. Working with a therapist yourself can assist you in doing so without shaming the loved one who is struggling.
P.S. Do you need additional support or resources? Check out my recently added Mental Health Resources page!
Educational, Grief Tips, Growth, Pespective |
When it comes to tough situations, there are always some ways to make the most of them. Blaming yourself and mulling over what has happened can be one the unhealthy ways to go about unplanned or negative situations. Instead, looking for silver linings can make things a little more tolerable. So, how exactly can you make the most out of a difficult situation? Here are five ways how you can achieve that.
1. Challenge Yourself to Think More Positively
I’m not talking about taking a “Pollyanna” approach to your problems. It’s one thing to try to bypass our emotions, which is not what I mean. I’m talking about bringing awareness and intention to the situation, not emotional bypass.
Thinking positively isn’t easy. In the midst of challenging times, being the “half glass full” type of person is not likely something that will come naturally. I’ve found myself victim to the “glass half empty” mindset many, many times. Is there anything wrong with not being overly optimistic? No, not at all, especially when it comes to calling out toxic positivity. It’s okay to be realistic, and it’s okay to be negative from time to time. We don’t want to fall into the trap of negativity, downward spiraling in our thoughts, and not taking proactive action while we’re spiraling. This inaction of succumbing to your thoughts is like fuel on an already blazing fire.
Seeing the silver lining in things will make most situations slightly more bearable. However, I don’t believe we can take a passive approach. It can be helpful to bring Byron Katie’s, The Work into the situations you face. Her work is about looking for the proof, or the evidence, of what your thoughts are screaming but may not have valid proof to back up. As your brain looks for the evidence and doesn’t find it, you see the situation differently. Your thought pattern changes. Therefore your feelings and actions towards that situation change as well. This is reframing in action. So no, it’s not emotional bypass or taking a passive approach – not in the least. And, it’s not as simple as when people say, “Just think positive!” either.
2. Seek the Right Support from Others
Having a different perspective on a bad situation makes it so much better. It doesn’t mean that the situation you’re facing isn’t any less harmful, but getting another perspective could help you see why this situation is happening and the good side. Another perspective can help you out with this too.
As you’re taking action towards reframing your thoughts and perspective through step one, it’s helpful then to bring a disinterested third party into the conversation. Why do I say “disinterested third party?” Because when we are faced with challenges, it’s usually best to bounce thoughts and ideas off of someone who does not have skin in your game of life; there is nothing in it for them, nor do they have nothing to lose. This strategy is also important to consider because, according to mental health statistics, there are many people struggling right now. Choose your neutral heart with ears wisely. Carefully consider reconsidering asking for support from someone who simply does not have it to give because they’re in need. That doesn’t mean that hearing other people’s perspectives isn’t a good thing. However, people often provide values-based advice, and what if your values are way different? This comes back to intention; go in asking for support from the other without getting advice. Sometimes just speaking out loud and having our voice heard is enough for us to discover the answers already within our hearts.
3. Stick To Your Values and Principles
Society tends to want things to be perfect. When not perfect, a person should feel bad for it. It’s too easy to beat yourself up when things go wrong. You may find yourself playing alternate scenarios in your head of what you should have done and what you could have done. But, mishaps and disappointments are just what happens in life. Lessons are to be learned; it’s just the reality of it all.
Sticking to your values and principles will keep you from dishonoring what is most important to you. Values also light the way for choices we are often faced with. When facing a challenge, consider what you value most and what is in the integrity of your heart. This ties into step two in seeking support. But, this is an essential mention for a step all its own because we often dishonor our values and remain in relationships or situations where others continually dishonor our values. It is possible to stay in a relationship with someone who dishonors your values as long as you have firm boundaries. Because, let’s face it, sometimes we can’t wholly “write off” a relationship. Sticking to your values and principles with strong boundaries (and a lot of grace) can make those challenging situations tolerable.
4. Be Patient (With Yourself & Others)
While it may depend on the situation you’re dealing with, be patient. Sometimes, you can’t fix everything immediately, and it needs to take time. The dust may need to settle; you may need to find your internal peace to make a clear, sound decision before taking action. And sometimes, action needs to be immediate, and you have to address the consequences later. But, if in a situation or challenge where time is in your favor – take it. Push pause, take a step back, take several deep breaths, and reassess. You may need to channel anger (or other strong emotions) into physical or action-based activity, fully expressing it in a medium that feels right for you, then come back to the challenge without being attached to the intense emotion.
5. Acceptance That the Situation Happened
Of course, you’ll need to accept the situation has happened. But even this alone could be a silver lining. Challenges, and the changes that come as a result, can be a good thing. When life happens, as it will and continues to do, it can propel us forward into a new path. We can be shot out of our comfort zone like a rocket, and there’s only one thing to do: accept what was and embrace what could be. Allow ourselves to be molded into an evolved, hard-Knox-educated, 2.0 version of ourselves.
Sending you light and love as you move toward making the most of your challenging situations. 💛
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources |
Covid-19 has stolen so much from so many people and left people with a desire to start a new life. It’s not enough that life poses challenges, many unexpected, then additionally having to deal with the stresses, changes, and losses that Covid brought to many lives. It’s grief on top of grief on top of more grief. The weight of all of this change and loss can feel overwhelming, even for the rich, poor, famous, and person next door – grief doesn’t discriminate. If Covid-19 has brought any light to the world, it’s shown us where the systems in place for mental health are broken and where improvements need to be made. It’s changed how we live and work in the world, and the only way is up from here. It has to be the only way. Anything but is settling for how things are and that’s does nothing to help us collectively recover from the mess it’s left in its wake.
Mental health is a tricky subject to talk about for most people, and it’s hard to admit when you are struggling. A lot of people would rather give their left kidney than explain to someone that they feel as though they are sitting in a dark hole, all alone, and don’t know what to do. I especially felt this way when I was experiencing post-partum depression. Meanwhile, other people aren’t as severe as this, but still not in the best life possible. I’m going to be looking at some of the things that you can do to leave this feeling behind and create a new life (and the perception of it) for yourself. I’m going to share three steps that can help you begin the journey to a new life – alongside the grief. That is if you’re ready to do some inner-work and look at life (and grief) differently.
Awareness
First, you need to understand that you have the ability to change. You need to be able to see that there is an issue that needs to be addressed rather than avoiding or burying it. Most importantly though, you have to want to change, to be better, and move towards the new life that you have been thinking and dreaming about. If you are more attached to the pain out of fear of change, that’s understandable. People would rather be comfortable than venture into the unknown and uncomfortable. I recall many years where I was adamant I was “fine.” We learn how to put on a show and wear a mask of illusion when we’re out with others. Inside, however, it’s a different story.
Becoming aware that you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired, overwhelmed by fear and worry about the physical symptoms in your body that were manifesting is one way people become aware. This was my experience. I never fully dealt with the grief in my life and, after having children and in my 30’s, experiencing post-partum and other life challenges, I found myself experiencing another loss. By that time, I had done a lot of personal development work; even felt “fine” for several years. But, I was far from “fine.” We all have our own “rock bottom.” Even when I was abusing alcohol, nearly got fired from my job, and had my driver’s license suspended, I hadn’t met my “rock bottom.” When I say “rock bottom,” I mean in the sense of grief. Because grief, as I would later learn, is the catalyst for most of the problems in our lives – even the cyclical, repetitious situations we find ourselves in (the toxic relationship, addictions, financial gains, and losses, career change after career change). Grief, as you may have already learned through my work and the content I share, is both the thief of joy and the bearer of many gifts. However, we never see the difference between the two if we refuse to look at it.
Moving beyond the feelings of having no choice and recognizing the lessons grief holds, is what the step of awareness is all about.
Seeking the Right Help – for You
Society has been taught that it’s shameful to seek help – to need help. You may have grown up in a home where you didn’t talk to other people about your problems or issues in the family. Or, you may have never had a safe person in your immediate family growing up who you could go to. Any and all painful emotions were then likely stuffed down or were expressed in unhealthy ways. If you’re reading this, perhaps you have a child that’s struggling. Do you believe you are a safe person your child can go to where they won’t be criticized, analyzed, or judged? If you didn’t have that emulated for you growing up, there’s a good chance you may not know how to be a safe person for others because you never learned how to be. Are some people naturally better listeners and communicators? To a certain degree, yes. But when it comes to grief, we don’t know what we don’t know. We can easily say something that is hurtful or harmful without realizing it or without intending to do so.
So, in seeking help – follow your gut instincts. If you aren’t drawn to a certain mental health professional, friend, or family member, there’s a reason. Not everyone will be able to hold your grief with you, and this is especially so if they haven’t addressed their own. We can only help others to the capacity at which we’ve addressed our own grief.
How do you know if you’ve found the right person to help you? You’ll know when you have – it’s a feeling. Follow the cues of how you feel after you speak with that person initially. Does your body language close up and drawn inward? Do you find yourself not wanting to reveal much at all about yourself? On the flip side, do your shoulders relax, your speech slow, and a sense of calm and hope come over you? The body is always giving us cues and, it’s no different when we’re in the presence of or connecting one-on-one with another person.
Hold on to hope that there is always help available. There are many more resources today than there ever has been; likely some services you’ve never even heard of, too. I am aware there are waiting lists and cost is also a factor for many, too. I personally struggle with this because, although I know the value of Grief Recovery and believe every single person should have access to it, However, I am not in the position at this point in my life where I can give it (and my time) away either. Not only that, I do know that if a griever doesn’t have any “skin in the game,” meaning, they don’t have anything to lose (monetarily), that they are more likely to drop out of the program completely or not put 100% effort into it. I have personally witnessed this – both during my training and otherwise. This avoidance to do the work (with little to no financial attachment) is especially true when the inner-work gets hard – and it does get hard. As hard as it is for me to not give it away or for next to nothing, I know, without a doubt in my mind, I would be doing a griever a great disservice. That being said, I’m not opposed to bartering. If you are interested in Grief Recovery and have a skill or service I would find beneficial to me, please reach out. This may also be true for other mental health service providers, too. Get a little creative with how you can receive what you need while also giving your gifts and talents, too.
Bartering aside, there may also be grant or scholarship programs for which you can apply at certain agencies/businesses. I’m looking into how to implement this for my own business.
Once you find the right help for you, it might be the case that your needs entail medication, it may be heading to rehab for a little while, or include therapy sessions. Help could include all three, but that doesn’t matter as long as you are trying and working toward the new life you envision for yourself. No matter what, listen to your gut instincts when it comes to your mental health.
A Plan To Stay Healthy
The final thing that you are going to need is a plan to stay healthy in the long term. A lot of people find that having a routine helps them manage their life, keep out of overly stressful situations as much as possible, surround themselves with kind and loving people, as well as so much more. Be honest about what you have been through, and tell yourself you won’t be going back there as this will encourage you to stay on track as much as possible.
I personally have learned the importance of doubling down on self-care when life around you is in chaos as of recently. I denied myself self-care, completely stopped meditating after 93 days straight, and completely disregarded my mental, emotional, and physical health. As a result, I ended up getting Covid-19 within two weeks of stopping all of the things that grounded, centered and brought me a sense of peace and security. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. When the chaos ensued with all of the unknowns and uncertainty, the one area of my life where I could have created certainty and security, I didn’t devise a plan to maintain it.
I recently read this quote by James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, and shared by my mentor, Kristin Sherry, which is short but profound…
We don’t rise to our goals, we fall to the level of our systems. – James Clear, Atomic Habits
As an entrepreneur or as a mom that wears many hats while raising a family, I have systems in place that help my home and business run smoothly. However, we fail to recognize the importance of systems, as James Clear suggests, for personal well-being. Think about how you can create systems for success in staying healthy. Maybe, if you are wanting to exercise, you place your workout clothes right beside your bed, have your water bottle already ready to go for the next morning, and your workout planned out so you know what you’re doing before you head to sleep the night before. These are the very steps I take to set myself up for success, by having a system that helps me make better choices. I also don’t start, first thing, with exercise. Instead, I start with 20+ minutes of meditation. This is what I was doing before my self-care went out the window and, what I’ve since learned is that, no matter what, I can’t let go of and especially when life gets challenging. Because, when your cup is empty, it’s empty. You won’t have the motivation or the energy, even if you wanted to, to tackle physical demands, much less emotional ones. Create a plan, have a system in place, and stick to it as if your life depends on it because, in truth, it just might.
I hope that you have found this article helpful, and now see some of the things that you are going to need to do to move forward, towards a new life for yourself. It’s important that you understand the cost of not doing anything to move forward into a life you desire. Mental health is hard, but you don’t have to stay in the dark hole forever, there is a path into the light. Follow where your curiosity and intuition lead you, and when you’re ready to take your life by the horns and create lasting change, reach out to me or someone, but don’t suffer in silence.
As I’ve previously shared on my podcast, Grieving Voices, you’re already suffering; you may as well suffer while moving your feet. You have so much more to lose settling for a life not lived unleashed of suffering.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
Grief comes in many forms, and it can manifest itself in different ways for each person. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. However, there are unhealthy ways in which we cope. If you are struggling with grief, it is critical to seek help from a professional therapist, counselor, or someone in-between like me (an Advanced Certified Grief Recovery Specialist).
Self-Harm
Self-harm is a form of self-abuse that involves inflicting physical harm on oneself. People who engage in self-harm often cope with intense emotions, such as anger, sadness, or pain. Self-harming behaviors can include cutting, burning, or hitting oneself.
Self-harm is extremely dangerous and can lead to further physical and emotional damage. If you are self-harming, it is vital to get help from a professional therapist right away. Delay in seeking support will only exasperate the situation.
Alcohol Or Drug Abuse
Alcohol and drug abuse are common ways many people cope with difficult emotions. People who abuse drugs or alcohol often do so in an attempt to numb their feelings or escape from reality. However, as we all know, substance abuse disorders do nothing to address the emotional pain – it only adds to it.
If you are struggling with substance abuse, consider checking into an alcohol rehab or drug rehab. There is help available, and you don’t have to struggle alone. If you’re struggling with alcohol abuse but you’re not in the position to seek therapy, there are alternatives for support such as Club Soda as well as Alcoholics Anonymous®.
Eating Disorders
Eating disorders are another way people may try to cope with grief. Those suffering from eating disorders use food to control their emotions or punish themselves. Unfortunately, eating disorders are harmful to physical and emotional health. Every year, 10,200 deaths are the direct result of an eating disorder—that’s one death every 52 minutes, according to ANAD (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders).
If you think you may have an eating disorder, it is vital to get help from a professional therapist. There is no shame in seeking help. It is possible to get back to a healthy body image and live a fulfilling life.
Gambling
Gambling is another means of unhealthy coping with grief. People who gamble often do so in an attempt to escape from reality or make themselves feel better. However, gambling can be addictive and lead to financial ruin, not to mention the loss of relationships and self-dignity.
If you are struggling with a gambling addiction, it is crucial to get help before the walls feel like they’re caving in on you. There are many resources available, including Gamblers Anonymous. Ask yourself these twenty questions, and then take action today to take your power back in your life.
Violent Behavior
Violent behavior is another way grief manifests and is used to cope and express what the griever doesn’t have the words to share. Also, many children who grow up in violent homes learn to be in fight or flight mode. If this continues for years on end, and a child isn’t able to express that anger, it will often express itself as the child grows older. Violent people often do so in an attempt to take control of their lives or express their anger. Violence only adds to the shame of the griever and imparts grief onto others.
If you feel angry and out of control, it is essential to seek help from a professional. There is no shame in asking for help, and you can get your life back on track. Addressing the grief is an excellent start to get to what is at the heart of the issue.
Excessive spending or shopping is another way to try to cope with grief. Compulsive spenders do so to fill a void or make themselves feel better. However, excessive spending can lead to financial issues, similar to gambling. However, since this behavior doesn’t involve casinos, betting, or the like, the person excessively spending may not view the behavior as a problem. But, like gambling, it leads to secrets, shame, potential financial troubles, and of course, grief.
If you are struggling with compulsive spending, a significant first step is a financial counselor or advisor who can help you set goals and help hold you accountable. Many resources are available to help you get your finances back on track.
Withdrawal And Isolation
When the grief becomes overwhelming, or a person feels misunderstood, unheard, and alone, the response to that grief is often to withdraw or isolate. The amount of support someone has, their environment, life experience, and upbringing often influences whether a griever resorts to withdrawal and isolation. There are so many factors that play into withdrawal and isolation, but a strong emotion often present is hopelessness or despair. And, when someone feels hopeless, and any support that person had has faded, then what’s left but withdrawal? Or when someone feels hopeless, and they feel like a burden or, on the other side of the coin, get told unhelpful or hurtful things, then what’s left but to isolate?
All of these behaviors and manifestations of grief lead to a downward shame spiral and compounded grief. All of this grief accumulates in our emotional and physical bodies, and it eventually finds its way out.
I can speak for myself in how my grief and traumatic experiences perpetuated behaviors that caused more emotional suffering. When left unaddressed, grief becomes a vicious cycle. And it also feels like a rollercoaster too. You may have an experience when you are 25; you believe you deal with it when really, all you did was bury it. Ten years later, you have another experience that brings up all of those old, familiar feelings of the first experience, and you find yourself back at square one. Only this time, it feels heavier. With every loss, it feels like another suitcase you’re dragging around. Every loss experience compounds, one on top of the other until you can’t bear the weight anymore. You can’t carry it any further. And, you feel stuck, hopeless, insecure, and lost in your own body.
Does this sound familiar? I’ve been when you are. My vice was alcohol, which led to situations that took years to surface.
What has helped me? Being open to receiving help, looking for something that resonated with me, and then committing to it 100%. Whatever that thing turns out to be for you – I hope you start today in looking for it. You may be one Google (or better yet, DuckDuckGo) search away from a new tomorrow and a version of you that you thought was never possible.
If this resonated with you and you need support, I’m an email away. Contact me – help is available. And, did you know your healthcare HSA may cover Grief Recovery?
Educational, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
Three Tips for Happiness
Happiness is different for everyone. For some people, it will be at peace with who they are. For others, it can be all about having a group of friends or family that are there for you unconditionally. Or, happiness might be having your dreams come true and having the freedom to act as you please.
No matter how you see being happy, being more satisfied with your life is something that isn’t too far out of reach. The habits that you have can help you to get there. You don’t have to look too far to see how habits create success. There is a reason why the military builds regiments into everything they set out to do. From being up at the butt-crack of dawn for exercise, ensuring work environments are free of clutter, to have processes and procedures for everything – all of these things build the foundation and structure to getting stuff done. I owe a lot of strengths I have to what I learned, not only in the military but about myself in the process of serving (particularly, what I’m capable of).
Structures, systems, ways of BE-ing, and the habits that create the structure which become your foundation of success, ultimately lead to personal happiness. When we feel like we are accomplishing something, we feel great about that. Tracking your progress and paying attention to how far you’ve come is also important to keep the momentum going.
The habits that you have do make a difference in your life. Bad habits can be hard to break, but good habits can be ingrained into your life quite deeply. So with all of that in mind, there are some things that you can do to establish some healthy habits in your life and get you to where you want to be. If things aren’t working for you and you no longer need them in your life, then it is important to find what does and doesn’t work for you. And, start by being brutally honest with yourself. I knew alcohol use wasn’t working for me, so I quit drinking (cold turkey) for over 160 days. I lost my streak by making a conscious choice, and if/when I have a drink now, it is not without consciously choosing and bringing a whole lot more awareness around it as well. When I drink now, I am in the driver’s seat of the drinking experience rather than feeling like it has a hold on me or I am out of control (emotionally/physically). I bring conscious awareness to drinking now that did not exist before.
Think about your daily life. What are the things that you tend to do mindlessly? Do you resort to patterns or behaviors without really thinking about what it is you’re actually doing? Start there to look for ways to bring more conscious awareness and intention (which is so important) to what you’re doing by asking yourself why you’re doing it.
Back to the practicalities…
Movement
The exercise that you do isn’t just for your body. Having regular exercise helps reduce how stressed you are feeling and can help improve symptoms of things like anxiety. As wonderful as exercise can be for helping us to manage our anxiety, sometimes it isn’t enough. If your anxiety becomes too much, you may need to consider anxiety therapy to help you through the day. If it is impacting your day-to-day life, this can be a cause for concern. You may find that some support, along with exercise, can help to lift your worries and make them more manageable. Exercise can ease depression and give you a happiness boost but, to see the long-term effects, consistency is key. You will see yourself overcoming things and getting fitter, which boosts your confidence, too. You don’t have to become a marathon runner or bodybuilder to see the benefit of exercise, unless you want to, of course. Moving your body for at least half an hour each day can make a difference. However, if you don’t have thirty minutes every day, every day that you do something builds on the day before it – progress and commitment compounds. Just as our avoidance of doing healthy things ultimately contributes to the decline and demise of our mind, body, and spirit, the positive habits we build into our lives contribute to our healing. The pendulum can swing either way, and we have a choice in which way it goes – always.
Be Honest
For habits to take form and become a part of your life, you have to be honest with yourself, again, about what is and isn’t working. And, sharing honestly with others helps to build an accountability piece that would not be there if you didn’t share your goals with others.
Being positive and generally having a sunnier outlook on life can help you feel positive and happier in life; as a rule, it is a good thing to follow. However, some bad things can happen, and these happen to anyone at any time. If you get bad news or do something wrong, don’t force yourself to be happy. It would help if you were honest about those unhappy moments. Please don’t dwell on them, but do something about it, whether making a change to avoid it happening again or finding a strategy to get you out of a negative funk. It is no one else’s responsibility but your own to shift your headspace. Sure, others can support you in your honesty about what is happening and support you in your quest to turn the page. However, the walk of actually doing it is all on you.
When you’re done being honest with yourself, then next comes the action piece. Some small actions could be walking outdoors, meeting with a caring friend, using something supportive like pure CBD oil, try a guided meditation (especially if you’re new to meditation, guided can be more helpful), or cooking yourself a healthy meal. You can’t be happy all the time, but it is a good idea to feel your feelings and not fake being happy.
Intentional Planning
If you feel busy, stressed, and overwhelmed, it could be because you have not planned anything out. It is a good idea to sit down at the start of each week and note what is going on or what tasks need to be done during the upcoming week. Having a rough idea of what you are doing and when will help you block out time, plan your time well, and make you feel happier as you will ticking things off and getting things achieved.
Every Sunday evening, I fill in the week ahead. I only worry about the week in front of me. And daily, I am only concerned with that day. Before I go to bed, I finish the day with my gratitude journal, and I look ahead to the next day and brain dump anything that’s on my mind, so I’m not bringing it to my subconscious mind where it will negatively impact my sleep.
These days, my daily habits are getting up around 5:45 AM, scrape my tongue (the best feeling first thing in the morning 🙃), grab a cup of coffee, head to my office, and meditate for at least 15 minutes, write in my gratitude journal and then get some movement in (which varies between a power walk, yoga, or a strength exercise). This all takes me to about 7 AM and, I have started my day for ME. Let me add, it took me a long time (a really long time and lots of trial and error) to find a flow that felt good for me (including exercise). I am so led by how I feel that following an exercise program with little variation would lead me to boredom real quick, so I ended up doing nothing. I was finding it hard to stick with anything. However, walking allows me time to fill my brain with inspiration and good vibes via podcasts (a good reason for doing it for me). For other forms of movement, I have found apps like FitOn work well for me because, with all of the options, I can go with the flow of how I’m feeling or what I’m in the mood to do.
There is no magic bullet for happiness; we all know this. However, we can chase feeling depressed, or we can chase feeling good. Start your day for yourself. Turn off the news. Turn off your phone every once in a while. Get tapped into what you’re feeling. If it’s anything less than happy, reach for the next best feeling, and keep reaching for the next best feeling until you feel inner peace. To me, inner peace is the ultimate happiness.
What does it mean to be happy to you? I invite you to share in the comments below? Start there and work your way backward, incorporating healthy elements into your life that feel good for you and that will contribute to that mission.
