Dead Dad Club

Childhood Grief, Grief Stories | 0 comments

dead dad club

T-L: Vietnam, T-R: Already in Stage IV Cancer, Middle-L: Diagnosed at Stage IV Colon cancer; I was going to “fix” my dad, Bottom-L: Combing my dad’s hair for church, Bottom-R: My dad’s last birthday with 8 months to live

It didn’t hit me until I saw the words that felt like a punch in the gut…

#deaddadclub

A few days ago, I started a blog post that was going to dig a bit deeper into inspiration and what it means to me. However, I was on Instagram and I saw the hashtag #deaddadclub within a post talking about this woman’s loss and upcoming Father’s Day. I realized, at that moment, that I had never allowed myself to honor my father on father’s day. I also hadn’t felt so pierced in the heart by three words.

I’m in a club of many members. I know this. But I think what I’ve longed for is connecting with others, who, like myself, lost their father’s during childhood. I have come to know that there has been a connection I’ve longed for all my life and have been missing. What we lack in childhood, we continually search for in adulthood, don’t you think?

Old Wounds

While I shared first (as we always do as facilitators of the Grief Recovery Method) in my Grief Recovery Group, I felt a deep sorrow well up within me when I began to share about my uncle’s passing in 2017. I share more about the relationship in my book, but the gist of it is is that, when my father passed away, there no longer was contact with father’s side of the family – including my uncle. However, 30 years later, when I learned my uncle was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I made the decision to go see him. That visit and the several that followed were life-changing. And, I do believe, that experience is what ultimately led me to The Grief Recovery Institute because I realized I was not okay. And, it is no coincidence to me that I wrote my book when I did, as it was in the editing phase when I learned of his cancer diagnoses.

Being in the presence of my uncle felt like I was in the presence of my dad. The sad inner-child in me came to the surface and I had no idea what to do with those feelings. For the past two years since my uncle’s passing, although life has given me little to complain about, I  had been feeling like I was not living with purpose. And, I also felt like I was still looking for meaning in my suffering.  I spent the past two years STERB’ing (participating in short-term energy relieving behaviors) by working, serving my family/others, and doing my best to create something that could help others and (to me) failed to do so. The universe was telling me “Not yet, you’re not ready. You have inner-work to do first.” The death of my uncle was a reminder that I had a lot of healing to do and the experience I had at my group the other night – is another.

Moving Beyond Grief

We are always a work-in-progress; this is the evolution of our hearts, spirit, and our lives. The Grief Recovery Method has opened my heart in the most unexpected ways. It has also brought me the awareness I only wish I had received in my early 20’s.

As I walk with others in their grief, I am also continually walking through mine. It is a shared experience and grief is the one thing that unites us all because we all experience it. I am beyond thankful that I now have the tools to process what I’m feeling and the village around me to do so, too.

This will be the first year I am allowing myself to honor my dad for Father’s Day and I’m going to do something different. I have something in mind but we’ll see…I will definitely share an update. There has always been one date that has stuck in my mind when I’ve thought about my dad: March 31st, 1987 – the day he died; not his birthday (a year and a day before my mom’s – July 30th, 1942), and certainly not Father’s Day. I think it’s a good time to change that and begin to celebrate the 8 short years I did get to have him in my life. His death may have changed the trajectory of my life, but it will no longer keep me the stuck 8-year-old in my heart; that – I can change.

2019 has already been a big year for me. My goal is to make 2019 a big year for many, many other grieving hearts as well. 

Are you ready to feel empowered by your grief, rather than isolated, hurting, and fearful because of it? Let’s turn 2019 around for you, too. Sign up for my newsletter below and be kept up to date on future informational talks on grief, upcoming group announcements, and weekly inspiration & nudges about grief and personal growth from my heart to yours – straight to your inbox every Wednesday. <3 It’s never too soon and it’s never too late to begin to heal. I can attest to that!

Finding Home

Childhood Grief, Grief Stories, Growth | 0 comments

Home…I love the word. It wasn’t always that way, however.

For a lot of people, home is a place they, too, would rather avoid because it’s a place of grief, sadness, or discontent – all the things a home shouldn’t be.

Home, for a time, was a place where the show Hee-Haw could be heard in the background or Tom Brokaw’s soothing voice on NBC Nightly News, while my mom was busy mommy-ing in the kitchen making her “famous” dumplings (even though she always cheated using frozen bread dough – I didn’t care, though).

However, days such as these were short-lived.

Before long, my home would become a space filled with great sadness with an empty seat at the table, where the occasional “family” meal consisted of a noodle dish of some kind.

Home would change again – when a new presence would walk in the door. Only, this is the point in time where home would become a place I couldn’t wait to escape.

Arguments. So many arguments. Smoking – lots of it. Trash-talking; plenty of that to go around, too. And aside from weekends where I was expected to be Joan Cleaver, a Merry Maid, and the lawn-keeper, it was me (most of the time) with a lonely bowl of Fruity Pebbles…lots of Fruity Pebbles.

Home: it means something entirely different to me now and has changed its meaning throughout my life. We’ve all heard the expression: home is where the heart is? But what if the heart is broken? What if the home is broken?

Change The Meaning of Home

I got to thinking – what if home was what we made it in our hearts or what we decided we wanted it to be? Can we escape to the inner-room that is the center of our souls – where dreams and aspirations sit quietly and patiently waiting…yearning to be acknowledged?

For a lot of years, I did just that – escaped by going inward, trying to find ways to express myself outwardly that wouldn’t add to the discontent of home.

Raising a teenager today has brought up a lot of the angst I know I felt as a teen. And, it’s gotten me thinking, too: I wonder how our kids perceive home? And, I wonder how they perceive their inner-home, too.

Ponder This…

Just as we sweep off the doorsteps of our physical home, it’s often releasing to clear away the dust, dirt, and grime of our inner-home as well.

What does home feel like to you today?

What has it felt like through the years?

And, what, more importantly, does your inner-home (your heart-center soul) feel like these days?

I happen to know where you can find a broom, friend.

Children Grieve, Too

Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories | 0 comments

Children Grieve, Too…

In times of highly-intense emotional upset, children are often cast aside with their grief. I don’t believe adults mean to do this, it’s just in that highly emotional state, they can barely navigate their own feelings, much less the feelings of a child. And, the child could exhibit behavior or communicate that they are handling things well – or, better than expected.

This type of assumption could not be farther from the truth. Children do not have the mental capacity to process such a strong emotion as grief on their own. They need to be led by example and need to be allowed to express their sorrow just like an adult is given the reverence to do so.

Communication about grief is, and should be, determined by the child’s age. The older the child is, the more they can talk about their sadness, which significantly helps. Not talking about it, however, teaches a very negative lesson around grief. Also, not holding space for a child to share their experience is sending a message that their feelings aren’t valid – they are not worthy to be heard because they’re just a kid, and they’ll bounce right back because kids are resilient. Right? Wrong.

Speaking from experience, when I was eight, and my father died, I was cast aside with my grief. In hindsight, I felt like I was invisible. Occasionally, someone would come along and pat me on the head or shoulder. However, in the late ’80s (and truthfully, even today), adults are not equipped to navigate their own grief, much less the emotional pain of a child.

Adults just don’t know what to do or say to or for a grieving child. This indifference to a child’s grief sorely impacts that child their entire life. How can it not? Think about your own unresolved grief you experienced as an adult has affected your life? It’s reasonable to assume, then, that children carry the impact of not resolving or communicating their grief as children into adulthood, including all future relationships. This is not to include any subsequent grief that may be experienced down the road that gets stacked on top of the old, unresolved grief in childhood.

Children are the forgotten grievers of society. While adults are wrapped up in their own turmoil of death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a beloved pet, financial ruin, homelessness, etc…there is a child or children experiencing the same life upsets. They, too, are human with all the same needs.

What are we as a society to do to help children who are grieving?

  • Deal with our grief, so we’re prepared and capable of helping others, including children, whether they are our own or not.
  • Take the time to learn tools and communication skills around grief when talking to children.
  • Get schools involved in grief communication and what signs to look for in children who may be dealing with grief-causing situations at home or while at school.
  • Never assume a grieving child is okay. One grieving child may be acting out negatively, and another may be reserved and not socializing. There is no cookie-cutter response to grief in children (or adults) because humans are not cookie-cutter.

In closing, if you are an adult with children and are experiencing grief, your children likely are as well. I implore you to seek help and outside resources, not only for yourself but also for your child or children. It’s never too late. That said, because grief never goes away, it will always manifest in a person’s life. Learning coping skills and communicating and resolving grief is the only way to feel free of grief’s grip. Not prioritizing healing is choosing to suffer.

Bury your grief, stuff it down, and lock it away all you want – it’s always there below the surface. If you take an inventory of your life and your relationships, however, you will see the consequence of not resolving your grief has affected your life – and of those closest to you that are in it.

P.S. Have you experienced grief during childhood? If you’re open to sharing your story and experience (especially if it’s similar but doesn’t have to be), I’d love to share in your experience, too. It’s not easy to find other life-long grievers open to sharing their story and I get that. Know, though, I’ve been there, too. Leave a comment below, if you’re comfortable, if not reach out via email at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com with “Childhood Grief” in the subject line or DM me on Instagram @theunleashedheart. I look forward to hearing your story. xx