Grief: A Feeling Not Only for the Dead

Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Growth | 0 comments

The following scenarios are fictional. They were written to deliver the message of how grief can show up in our lives – how it does show up in society. These examples are not meant to strike up a controversial conversation on hot-button issues. Rather, by means of making a point, that grief is all around us. We’ve just been so conditioned to see it one way and to respond in all the wrong ways.

Scenario One

On a warm, summer evening, a hurting heart is sitting on the steps to her home, noticeably sobbing, when her neighbor takes notice and asks: “Are you okay?” To which, the hurting heart replies, “We had to put our 15-year-old dog down this morning. Duke used to always sit next to me on the steps, and now he’s gone.” The neighbor, not knowing what to say, says what many well-intentioned people would say: “Oh, I’m so sorry; at least you can get another one!”

To the hurting heart, Duke is irreplaceable. But, because the loss of a pet is one of the most minimized losses (along with miscarriage) in society, the response is to replace the loss because dogs are a dime a dozen, right? This hurting heart has learned, from society’s response, that grieving the loss of a pet is nonsense and not comparable to the loss of human life. But, for many, their pet is their only companion. For many, their pet was their lifeline to the outside world, their comfort, and security. And, to the elderly or children, they provide unconditional love and joy. Pets disappoint humans far less than humans disappoint other humans. By the way, I can offer a 7-week Pet Loss Program. <3

Scenario Two

Unbeknownst to Clara (a single mom of four), a registered sex offender moves in next door. One day, her 10-year-old daughter asks to go in the backyard to play with their dog in the fenced yard. Not too long after, she comes into the house. Surprised, her mother asks her why she’s done playing outside so soon. Her daughter replied that the man next door was out, too, and was staring at her and asking her a bunch of questions that made her uncomfortable. The mother asks, “What kind of questions?” The daughter replied, “He asked me the color of my panties.” The mother is immediately reminded of her negative experience as a child and begins to feel all kinds of conflicting feelings.

There are moments in life that can be reminders of grief we’ve long locked away hidden in our hearts. There are reasons why we exhibit certain behaviors or have specific thoughts and feelings around certain situations in our lives. In this scenario, the mom is reminded of her grief. She’s enraged by the feelings of fear and confusion her daughter must have felt. And, she feels a sense of guilt because this person with a criminal past moved in next door and she had no idea. She is supposed to protect her children, that’s what mothers do. Even locked away grief can slap us in the face when we least expect it.

Scenario Three

A son marries his high school sweetheart, and together they have three children. They live only a couple of minutes away from grandparents, Joy, and Phil. To Joy and Phil, their grandchildren are their pride and joy; in retirement, they enjoy spending as much time as possible with the little loves in their lives. However, after only eight years of marriage, the couple calls it quits, the mother gains full custody and moves the children to the other side of the state. Suddenly, their entire world is shattered because their son has been unsuccessful in gaining parental rights due to false accusations and a court battle ensues. In the meantime, the grandparents (and their son), are not allowed visitation.

Grief can appear as hopelessness. We can grieve the living, just as we can grieve the dead. Let’s not forget that we all have a story and often, grief is woven into the stories of our lives. In this scenario, the father, along with his parents, all experience a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. They have unresolved communications with both the mother and the children about what they wish could be different, better, or more.

Scenario Four

Jennifer is a 19-year-old enjoying life. She’s living a few hours from her hometown attending a university and makes it home often to see her parents the first semester. However, only a couple weeks into the second semester, she quits going back. Her parents grow concerned; their daughter seems to have pulled away, not even calling home as often. They decide to get in the car, drive to the university to surprise their daughter and see what’s going on once and for all. They arrive to see their daughter looking ill; she’s lost weight and doesn’t appear to be like her old, bubbly self. Their daughter confesses that an acquaintance had raped her, which resulted in a pregnancy, and she chose to have an abortion.

This is a multi-faceted grief situation. In one-fell-swoop, there’s a loss of trust, loss of hopes, dreams, expectations, and all that could be different, better, or more. A child conceived that wasn’t her choice. A child lost that was and the guilt and shame that one may feel along with this scenario. The parents grieve the child they once had because this experience surely changes a young woman. They feel a sense of guilt for not doing more to protect their daughter, which, this situation was out of their hands but as a parent, you want to protect your child(ren). The parents also grieve a grandchild they will never know – a child that was, genetically, a part of their daughter, too. One event with many ripples and a deep sea of grief to go along with it.

Scenario Five

Amy and her mother have always been very close; they shared everything. As life went on, and her mother aged, Amy noticed her mother starting to forget appointments they had made. One time, while at her mother’s, she opened the cupboard, and to her surprise, there was a carton of spoiled milk. Amy thought all the things her mother had been forgetting were due to age; however, she now realized, it was more than that. And, within a few short months of finding that spoiled milk, her mother no longer remembered who Amy was.

Grief can find us longing for the ones we once knew and grieving for who they’ve become. Is it harder to bury someone we love after a long illness or to still be able to see our loved one where they’re not the same person they once were? It doesn’t matter. This is where comparison of loss is dangerous, in terms of how grief may impact those experiencing the deterioration of someone they love in this way. Caregivers especially, in this situation, can feel isolated in their grief. Comparison is cruel to those grieving. Simply – don’t do it; every relationship is different, including relationships within the same family.

Scenario Six

Gabe and Alexis were high-school sweethearts; so in love, they planned to attend the same university and later marry. They both excelled in school, were achieving great things on athletic scholarships, and had big ambitions in life. Both of their parents held education in high regard and insisted their children get their degrees before they marry, to which the young couple agreed. However, no one could have planned that, in their junior year, Alexis would become pregnant. Feeling torn, Alexis didn’t know what to do. She loved Gabe and had all of the hopes, dreams, and expectations for their careers and future; they weren’t ready for a baby! Inside her mind and heart, she played out all of the scenarios. In her heart, she felt the child needed the best chance he or she could have. Alexis also knew, financially, she and Gabe couldn’t meet all the of the needs a child has. They also didn’t want to burden their parents with raising their child either. Gabe, however, wanted to try to make it work. Alexis, however, had made her decision. She was going to give the baby up for adoption. And so she did.

So many scenarios that a parent could sit up all night worrying about. Parenting is the greatest teacher but also can bring with it, a lot of grief experiences. How do you think this loss will impact Gabe? Their relationship? Do you think they would stay together? How about the impact of this loss to the grandparents? Yes, we all need to make our decisions on what is best for ourselves, however, I don’t know that we always think about how our decisions impact others. For this situation, perhaps Alexis felt adoption was the best solution. Or, perhaps, all the ways she was taught to deal with grief since childhood impacted her decision, too. What you don’t know about this scenario is if Alexis actually gave her parents the choice if they wanted to raise the child or not. Either way – grief will be the outcome because there will likely be unresolved communication between all involved parties as a whole.

Scenario Seven

Jack and Elizabeth met online. They dated for well over a year when Jack proposed marriage. Both Jack and Elizabeth came from large families; Jack is one of 6 kids, and Elizabeth, the youngest of 5. So, from the beginning, they both wanted also to have a large family. However, after three years of marriage, and still no pregnancy, they go to an infertility doctor. Elizabeth found out she has polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). The chances of her ever becoming pregnant, naturally, are greatly diminished. And so, their infertility journey began.

This is one of those silent, behind-closed-doors, grief-causing scenarios. It’s taboo to talk about what’s happening between the sheets and that is also true when it comes to grief, I think. People want to avoid it like the plague; both make people uncomfortable – and yet, curious so, as a society, we can’t help ourselves. Combine the two and curiosity kills the cat when you’re a young, married couple who have yet to bring children into your marriage. Suddenly, you find yourself being reminded on the regular of your grief in the difficulty (or inability) to conceive when you’re constantly being asked why you’re not having children. On the flip-side, you have one, then it’s almost expected you’ll have two because society says a child needs a sibling. Have one girl and one boy, and society says “Well, I guess that about does it, you have one of each!” Children are not possessions and children are not a given in your life either. We all know this but yet we are so conditioned to think one way. We can’t see it any other way until we find ourselves in that position. Grief can also be experienced by those who make the conscious choice to not bring children into their lives, too; let’s not forget that.

Life isn’t Fiction

I could go on and on and on – flexing my fiction-writing muscles. However, in truth, these scenarios (and many, many others) play out in lives every, single day, and they play out everywhere. Perhaps one of these is relatable to you? If so, my heart goes out to you. Grief is grief, no matter how you dice it, so no matter the circumstances in which you’re experiencing it today, I send you love and encouragement today. Recovery is possible.

Since becoming certified, I’ve heard countless stories, have received numerous messages, and have had conversations while out and about, with people who grieve. I hear time and time again things like “…but, I’m doing better,” “I give it all to God,” or “things could be worse.” All the while, however, their eyes are welling up with tears as they minimize their feelings. Having and relying on one’s faith is a wonderful part of the healing process. I would argue, however, if you rely on your faith alone for recovery, you’ll never experience what recovery truly is. I have a post brewing about faith and grief, but in the meantime, I’ll say that faith and recovery are not the same.

Causes of Grief Not Linked to a Death

Grief is not only about the death of someone close to us. Grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations and the conflicting feelings that come from what we hoped would be or would have been different, better or more. It does not take the death of a loved one for grief to exist.

Abandonment in childhood
Loss of trust
Loss of relationship to someone living
Finding out you were adopted
Finding out your mother/father wasn’t your biological parent, that your parent had an affair and kept it hidden
Divorce
Infertility
Bankruptcy
Loss of Career
Loss of Faith
Moving

…All of the above (and then some) cause conflicting feelings, which may result in unresolved communication, which, in turn, causes grief.

Grief is often the root of what is going wrong in our lives (addiction, gambling, shopping, workaholism, promiscuity, health issues, approval-seeking behaviors, etc.) because we carry our past grief with us and greatly influences every aspect of our lives. And, because grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative (you’ll hear me say this many times), it’s imperative to your happiness and well-being that it is addressed. Grief stacked upon grief, on top of more grief – takes a toll. Everyone has a breaking point. There is only so much loss the heart can endure.

We minimize our losses to convince ourselves “we’re fine” and we apologize for our tears or pretend “we’re okay” as to not burden others with our problems. However, in all this effort to mask, conceal, and hide our pain, we’re also keeping the truth locked up like Fort Knox. And, when we’re not telling the truth about ourselves, we’re even lying to ourselves and others. What do you think that does to the psyche and heart over time?

Can You Imagine?

What if sharing our grief was no longer a burden? What if everyone was on the same page of understanding of what grief is and had the knowledge and understanding of it that enabled people to be a heart with ears? We have to start asking ourselves what it means to show ourselves (and others) compassion. As children, we naturally know how to do this – it’s we adults that pass on our influenced learning to the younger generation that is all wrong.

This world would be an entirely different place if we understood one thing: grief. What it is, what to do about it, and how to help others through it. I don’t believe we would have the suicide rates we do. I don’t think we would have the addiction problems we do. I don’t think we would have the number of broken homes we do. I don’t believe we would have the homelessness rate we do. I don’t think we would have the credit card debt we do. I don’t think we would have rates of eating disorders, abortions, and STD’s that we do – and then some. I could go on and on here, too, but you get the idea.

Moving Forward

Having read up to this point (thank you, by the way – I know it’s a doozy of a post), take stock of the losses you’ve experienced in your life; listing them down on paper as you go. It is eye-opening when you sit down and see your life of loss, staring back at you in black and white. And then you have a choice, my friend, to either remain a victim of your grief, or to take 1% responsibility in how you will react to it, and finally take action for recovery. Support groups where everyone shares about their grief can feel helpful, and they are, in terms of creating a supportive environment and community, where otherwise, grievers tend to isolate (side note: check out the Netflix series “Dead to Me;” I’m hooked!). Therapy/Coaching is terrific, too, in its way, given you have a therapist/coach that can connect with you, creates a safe environment, and offers a means to cope. However, you’re likely not to experience recovery from grief in these situations.

**How do you know if you’re not recovered?**

When you think about your loss or losses, and positive thoughts and memories turn negative.
It becomes challenging to do things you used to because they serve as painful reminders.
When you find yourself repeating the same negative behaviors, there’s inner-work to be done.
If the thought of moving on feels like you’re forgetting or disregarding the person/relationship.
If you find yourself going from job to job to job or relationship to relationship to relationship – there’s inner-work to be done.
You have secrets you have never shared with another soul.
There is no longer joy in the things that once brought you great pleasure.
Etc.

A Tip

If you ever find yourself in the situation of someone else emotionally suffering, it’s compassionate to ask: “What happened?” Allow that person to cry and share without judgment, criticism, or analyzing; be a heart with ears and do not share about your losses, if you genuinely care about theirs. But, don’t be surprised if you receive an “I’m fine” in response. Chances are if the tables were turned, you’d respond the same way. Let’s start changing the way we respond to grief; future generations depend on it. Let’s take something that is normal and natural and actually make it feel normal and natural.

P.S. Interested in joining the next group or a future program? There are various program options from the 4-week Helping Children with Loss Program, 7-week Pet Loss Program, the 8-week Grief Recovery Group or 1:1 Program that’s non-specific to any one kind of grief. Message me about the specific program you’re interested in and I can get you on a waiting list.

Grief Shaming

Grief, Grief Tips | 0 comments

Social media can be an excellent tool to reconnect with family and friends, as well as stay connected and nurture new relationships, too. However, there is also a less favorable side to social media. We all know there is cyber-bullying that is an issue not only for teens but also for adults. But, have you ever considered the harmful things people say to others who are grieving – maybe things you have spoken to others grieving?

I believe people are well-intentioned. However, even well-intentioned people can do some emotional damage to an already hurting heart. In fact, 85% of the things people say to the widowed, for example, are not helpful. Furthermore, there can be remarks made in response to someone sharing about their grief online that tell the person how they should be over their grief [by now], how they should be presently handling it, or maybe even go as far as to tell the person to stop sharing their emotional pain online. I am going to call this for what it is – grief shaming. Instead of body shaming people, grievers become victims of grief shaming: the critical, analytical, and judgmental responses to sharing their emotional pain.

This term came to me during a conversation with my mentor in grief recovery. I had not heard this term before and, in the process of writing this blog post, I googled it and alas, I can’t say it’s not an original idea. I read several blog posts by grievers who have felt grief-shamed themselves. This topic is not something new that I haven’t already blogged about, but I think it’s essential to bring to light the emotional damage unhelpful comments can do. It ultimately boils down to the fact that society has no idea what to do or say in response to grief.

When John James started The Grief Recovery Institute, he chose the name “Grief Recovery,” despite being told by many, that people will not want to talk about grief. And that is why he chose the phrase “Grief Recovery.” The narrative around grief needed to change then (in the late ’70s), and it still needs to change – unfortunately.

What I find with grief recovery, is when you begin to give yourself compassion (and recovery), it opens your heart up more fully to the pain of others. Grief recovery isn’t only about healing; it’s an education, too. And, I think we all would agree that we all could use more knowledge when it comes to grief.

Unhelpful Things Said to Grievers

Back to grief shaming, which, to me, is the feeling the griever has after sharing their emotional pain, and others share remarks that are criticizing, judging, and analyzing of what the griever shared.

I’ve said it before, but grief involves healing a broken heart, not a broken brain. The more often people attempt to fix widows and widowers, for example (or any griever), with intellectual comments and advice – the more isolated they feel. They might even start to think something is wrong with them because they are still grieving.

Here are 11 things not to say to a widow or widower:

Be grateful for the time you were married.
You’re still young. You can always remarry.
You must stay strong for your children.
Don’t feel bad, your husband is no longer in pain (if he died of an illness).
Your wife wouldn’t want you to be sad. She’d want you to celebrate her life.
Everything happens for a reason.
This might be a good time for you to get a new pet or take up a new hobby.
Make sure you donate all your husbands’ stuff to charity. You don’t need any reminders of him.
Make sure you don’t throw away any of your wife’s stuff. You will regret it.
It just takes time.
I know what you’re going through (then start talking about your own loss).

Online (or in person) remarks like these are not helpful because, although they may be intellectually valid, they’re not addressing the feelings of the heart. Therefore, they’re doing more damage than good. The griever may be left feeling shame or embarrassment for sharing in the first place when all they are trying to do is process what they’re feeling.

I’ll say this until I’m blue in the face: we don’t know what to do with our feelings when it comes to grief. Expressing them, in the only way we know or are familiar with, is what we resort to instead. And when a griever hears judgment, analyzation, or criticism, they end up grieving in isolation. So tell me, is it any wonder our obesity rate is what it is? That alcohol/drug addiction is an epidemic? The debt individuals accrue also continually increased over time. Of course, this is due to many reasons, however, on average in 2019, people are spending just as much of their income on paying down current debt as they are on accruing new debt for clothes and trips, according to a Nationwide study. Essentially, Americans are paying billions, overall, in interest and are continually in debt. In grief recovery, these modes of distraction (food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, workaholism, gambling, etc.) in our lives are called STERBS (short-term energy relieving behaviors), and I could do a whole post on this topic as well. But, I digress; back to grief shaming yet again.

Helpful things to say to a widow or widower instead:

1. What happened?

Ask what happened then listen to their reply. The most loving thing you can do for widows and widowers, who want and need to be listened to is do just that without judgment, comparison, or trying to fix them.

2. I don’t know what to say.

It’s okay, to tell the truth, if you don’t know what to say. Your honesty allows the widowed to know you are a safe person to talk to because they’ll know you aren’t trying to fix them.

3. I can’t imagine how you feel.

No two relationships are the same because they are comprised of two different people. So even if you’ve had a spouse die, you could never know exactly how another widow or widower feels. At best, only you know how you felt when your loss occurred. Comparing losses is never helpful when offering advice or suggestions.

4. It breaks my heart to hear of your loss.

Following up with a fond memory of the person who died expresses how their loved one touched your life.

5. An emoji of a sad face or tears.

An emoji expressing your feelings is a far more positive response to their pain rather than telling them they shouldn’t feel bad.

Regardless of the griever or the type of loss they’ve endured, the most helpful things you could say are likely not what your impulse tells you to say. So, I caution you when replying to a griever sharing online (or in person). Instead, dig into your heart, not your head, and approach the situation as if you’re holding the griever’s heart in your hands. Utilize the suggestions above and change them up to reflect their loss. It may be even helpful, too, to imagine them as a child. Because often, adults say things to other adults that they would never say to a child. And you know what, aren’t we all holding our inner-child in our hearts? We carry all of our losses with us from childhood into adulthood. Therefore, we are all grievers. It’s just some are willing to admit it – to others, when the most compassionate thing they could do, for themselves, is to admit it – to themselves.

Another Thing to Keep in Mind

While you may have found great assistance in your faith, at times of personal loss, do not assume this is the best way to assist others. Grievers, especially those dealing with an emotional loss caused by death, might still find themselves in emotional pain while still being secure in their relationship to their faith. They may even have conflicting feelings when it comes to their faith as well, primarily if religion/faith was used against them in past loss experience. Their relationship to their emotions and their faith are two different things! Many Christians often forget that the shortest sentence in the Bible is, “Jesus wept.” It’s only reasonable that mere mortals might cry as well, even if their beliefs are strong.

More on faith – it is my opinion that the Bible does not tell us the how in recovering from grief. Our faith can undoubtedly help us through the darkest of days, but when thoughts of your loved one come to mind, and fond memories turn painful, recovery has not occurred, my friend. You may have convinced yourself you are, however, when another significant emotional loss occurs later and stacks on top of the ones before it, you will be taken back to that old, familiar pain you experienced before. The past hurt and pain will rise again to the surface. Revisit the section above where I talk about STERBS. Our minds concoct all kinds of ways to distract ourselves from our hearts. I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of the topic, too, and could do an entire post on this alone (which I eventually will).

A Final Note

As you’ve been reading this, you may believe you’ve been doing just fine with your grief. But something in my writing is perhaps needling at you, pressing a button on your heart that makes you squirm in your seat. Perhaps you even want to email me and tell me I’ve got it all wrong. I get that. What we resist persists, fellow hurting heart. I know you because I was you – and still am you in some ways because recovery is an ongoing process.

I am a work-in-progress. You are a work-in-progress. Healing is a work-in-progress, too. However, recovery is only in-progress once we can admit to ourselves that we need it. Tell the truth about yourself – to yourself. Start there. And when you’re ready, you know where to find me.

P.S. Do you want to be better equipped to help others in their grief? Click HERE to receive 61 Tips in doing so in The Guide for Loss. It’s FREE! You’ll also receive a love note from me every Wednesday – and it’s more often than not, content not shared anywhere else. 😉

P.P.S. Note: Portions of this post are adapted from The Grief Recovery Method blog.

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