The spiritual journey is one of constant transformation, and we can’t grow if we continually hold onto what is, rather than embrace change and what could be.
My children aren’t big into reading, which breaks my heart because a single book can change your life. Books can also take you to far away places and experiences. Such is the case with the book The Alchemist, one of my all-time favorites about a shepherd boy who yearns to travel for worldly treasure. My point in sharing this is that books can also help us unlock mysteries about ourselves. And often, it is our limiting beliefs about what we believe is possible or what we are worthy of, that keeps us stuck in our lives and making the same decisions over and over. One book, or even a piece of writing – heck, even one line, has the potential to have a lasting impact, helping us to recognize such limiting beliefs.
I recently read a piece of writing that helped me unlock my limiting belief. I have many; we all usually do. However, one could summarize all the rest. My limiting belief is that I don’t deserve/I’m not worthy. Do you have unique china/dishes you only bring out on rare occasions? Or, do you have an article of clothing that you have worn once, never to wear it again because you’re afraid of it being ruined?
On our first anniversary, I received a diamond bracelet from my husband, and it’s rarely seen the light of day outside of its velvet box (that’s inside another box). And what it comes down to is that it’s too good for me. The dishes may be too good for you, or the special scarf or dress may be too good to wear and enjoy them whenever you want. Sure, I could say I don’t want it to get ruined or lose it (and those things would be true) but, if I (and you) think about, the real emotions that come up is that I, or you if this resonates, are not deserving/worthy. People like “me” don’t wear beautiful things like that.
When I was a kid, I typically wore hand-me-downs. Woohoo for corduroy pants (which are making a comeback, by the way)! Anyway, I rarely got anything new. I didn’t mind. Although, I had this weird insistence, for a time, that everything I wore had to match, which was a problem with hand-me-downs because you get what you get. Lol! One year, though, Easter was extra-special as I received an Easter dress. But, I could only wear it for Easter, for that one time I got professional photos taken, and for super-special occasions (so, rarely).
This realization brought up many other examples of how a limiting belief, most often rooted in childhood, can wreak havoc through adulthood. For instance, I’m cozy with thrift stores. Granted, you can find some pretty great finds at thrift stores. Just as some people choose to be thrifty, there are people with no other financial choice. Regardless, if money wasn’t the issue, would you still prefer the thrift store? Likely not. Up until the last few years, I shopped exclusively at thrift stores. So, our limiting beliefs affect the one area of our lives most of us experience struggle of some kind with, and that’s money.
When things happen, too, throughout your life, that reinforces your limiting belief, it only cements that mindset further. For example, being a victim of sexual abuse as a child/adult reinforces the limiting belief that you’re not deserving/worthy. You’re not worthy of love that is pure and honest.
I could go on and on about this. For me, recognizing this has unlocked the ability for me to reframe it. I get to decide, from here on out, how I will shift out of this mindset and into one of self-love. Self-love is mentioned so often nowadays it’s starting to feel like a buzz word. But, it’s the only way we (you and me) can change our future. It’s the only way we can become the captain of our own ship and design our destiny.
What are your limiting beliefs? What stories have been passed down to you? Did you grow up believing life is a struggle; that there is never enough (of money, resources – anything good, for that matter)? I don’t think we comprehend how these beliefs hinder us in our growth.
Self-love – that’s where we find peace and when everything around us begins to shift.
Try this with me: take your three middle fingers and while tapping on your thymus (breastbone), repeat over and over “I’m sorry. I love you.” As you do, bring to mind all the limiting beliefs; the stories passed on to you in childhood (if you need, journal about this first). Forgive yourself for believing it and give yourself some love to release it.
Ho’oponopono: a method of healing developed by a Hawaiian therapist by the name of Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. He “cured” an entire ward of criminally insane patients having never met them or spent time with them in the same room. The story goes, he reviewed each of the patients’ files and then healed them by first healing himself.
Why would anything we work on within, have an effect on our outside world? If you think about it, everything that happens to you, you experience it in your mind. Everything you see, hear, every person you meet passes through your mind. You only think it’s “out there” and because of this, you hold no responsibility to it. When, in fact, you are responsible for everything you think and everything you give your attention to.
Forgiveness: The Hawaiian Way
There are four steps to this method, and the order is not essential. Repentance, Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Love are the forces at work that can transform your feelings around a particular relationship.
The best part is this can be done in the quiet of your own home, without assistance from no one, and you can even say the words in your head rather than out loud. The power is surrendering yourself to the feelings that come up and allow them to pass through you – raising your vibrations and capacity to be open to love and forgiveness within your heart.
Four Steps to Forgiveness
Step 1: I AM SORRY As I previously mentioned, you are responsible for everything in your mind, even if it seems to be “out there.” It’s often the “inside” problems that show up in our outside world, so keep that in mind. So, choose something to be sorry for that you know you’ve caused yourself – start there. Do you have an addiction, a weight issue, or other health problems? Maybe you have anger issues? Start there by stating what you’re sorry for as a phrase: I am responsible for [the issue] in my life, and I’m sorry that I have caused this.
Step 2: PLEASE FORGIVE ME PLEASE FORGIVE ME. Say it over and over and mean it. It will feel awkward, but don’t worry about who you’re asking – just ask! Remember how sorry you are from step one as you ask for forgiveness.
Step 3: THANK YOU Say “THANK YOU.” It doesn’t matter who or what you’re giving thanks to. For example, thank your body for all it does for you or yourself for being the best version of yourself you can be. Thank God or the Universe, if that’s more your thing. Keep saying THANK YOU and feel it with every ounce of your body.
Step 4: I LOVE YOU Say I LOVE YOU – to your challenges, to the thing that has you feeling caught up in negativity. You can also say I LOVE YOU to your body, to God (the Universe, if that’s more your thing), to the air you breathe, and to the home that shelters you. Say it over and over. Mean it. Feel it. There is nothing as powerful as Love.
When I initially learned about ho’oponopono, I learned to do this practice alongside EFT (or tapping as you may know it to be called). It’s come to light, in recent years, that tapping isn’t actually a necessary component of the practice, which means – this is easily accessible in the quiet of your mind no matter where you are. Stuck in traffic? You’ve got nothing but time, my friend, and what a fitting situation to give love to, right? Because we all know road rage is real and one can only imagine the blood pressure of some people who take it too far!
Take a few minutes to watch the video below that helps explain how ho’oponopono works, how this physician uses it in her practice, and how it may help you.
I think what this really comes down to is a willingness and openness to be a witness to, be present with, and give attention to the emotional upset within our bodies. Providing love and care to what pains us and lovingly hold it in our hearts and releasing it with a new perspective is a way to heal and forgive ourselves – for ourselves.
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a better or different yesterday.
According to Merriam-Webster’s definition, it is “to cease to feel resentment against (an offender).”
When one chooses to forgive, others may see it is condoning; however, the definition of condoning, according to Merriam-Webster, is “to treat as if trivial, harmless, or of no importance.”
If we are to believe these two words are alike, it would be impossible to forgive because who would or want to trivialize a horrible event?
What I’ve Learned About Forgiveness
I have learned, through years of grief, that forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with my well-being.
Forgiveness is an action, not a feeling. One cannot feel forgiveness unless you have forgiven. It is the act of letting go of resentment held against another.
Some may then say: I can forgive but I cannot forget. To that, it’s wise to ask then, has the transgression truly been forgiven? Who is the one who continues to remember and whose life is blocked by a lack of forgiveness?
Over the past few years, I’ve had to work hard at forgiveness. Not only that, I’ve experienced a lack of understanding when I’ve been able to forgive, and others in my life have not.
No one else needs to understand your willingness and openness to forgive. You and you alone know your heart and what it needs. We all walk the road of forgiveness in our own time. Let no one tell you that you’re wrong for offering forgiveness (in the silence of your heart).
What Not To Do with Forgiveness
To that point, never ever feel as though you must verbalize your forgiveness in person. You potentially open yourself up for more hurt and pain if you offer unsolicited forgiveness as the other person may see this as an attack. Remember: forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person.
On the other side of forgiveness is requesting it. When you ask for forgiveness, you are asking the other person to do something that you need to do for yourself. Because, when you’re the one asking for forgiveness, it’s really guilt rearing its head as you’re really trying to apologize for something you have said or done. Rather, it is an apology that is needed.
What are you holding in your heart that you’ve been unwilling to forgive?
Next week, I will share two methods I’ve learned in navigating forgiveness. In the meantime, give some thought to both positive and negative events of a relationship to someone you’ve found it difficult to forgive. This person can be living, deceased, or perhaps, any relationship you wish would be or could have been different, better, or more in some way. Map these events in chronological order as best you can, and then next week Friday, come back here to the blog for part two.
P.S. How about you? Struggling to find forgiveness in your heart? I know it’s hard – truly, I do. But know that by offering forgiveness, you’re not letting the “offender” off-the-hook. Rather, you’re breaking yourself free from the hook.
Bury and Replace: this is what we do when we grieve. We bury our feelings to protect those of others, to avoid our own, and make attempts to replace the loss (usually) not in the best of ways.
Why You Bury Your Grief
While grieving, you’ve probably been told not to feel so bad; things could be worse and look at the bright side, etc.. Although others may have good intentions, this is only more damaging to an already broken heart. So, rather than feeling as though you can openly share your grief, you instead bury it. You pretend – for the sake of others. And on top of it, you then apologize for your sorrow and for getting emotional – often at the most inconvenient times like in the dairy section of the grocery store.
As time goes on, after burying it and stuffing it down, you decide it’s becoming too much, and you look to replace it. Or, maybe you’re quick to choose to replace what you’ve lost in the hopes that the sadness you can’t openly share, can be replaced with joy (that which society approves is shared). However, since you’ve been working hard to bury your grief, what you begin to experience is a temporary joy.
From personal experience, I can tell you that, in our human conditioned way, we avoid pain at all costs. And, there is no other situation where that is more prevalent than when it comes to unresolved grief. We replace grief with people and vices because it’s the joy-for-a-moment we’re chasing in the moment. When, in actuality, it’s short-term joy we get in exchange.
We sell out our future happiness because we fail to see that the baggage we picked up in grief, will follow us into every future relationship and experience that comes into our lives.
A Couple Suggestions
You can’t expect that every person in your life will be able to sit with you in your grief. Do yourself a favor and don’t hold on to that false hope. Instead, look to one or two people who you know will be a listening ear, without the need to do anything about it. If you don’t have that person in your life, I encourage you to seek support elsewhere – perhaps others who’ve shared a similar experience.
Before you look to bury and replace your grief, ask yourself the following: Have I fully resolved my grief? Am I replacing to avoidwhy
P.S. Did you like this post or know someone who could benefit from reading? I invite you to share it. Likewise, I share little nudges like this in my weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters, that you won’t read anywhere else. Or, if you’re wanting to move forward in life, regardless if you’ve experienced grief, I offer a FREE exercise you can do to figure out your Core Needs & Essential Values. Knowing these eight words will be the litmus test for every decision you need to make moving forward.
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