A while back on Facebook (and Instagram), I shared the difference between grief and loss. Grief is the undelivered communications that keep you stuck and unable to feel joy when you think about the relationship. Loss is about the feelings of missing the relationship and feeling sad they’re gone.
Just as there are differences between grief and loss, there are differences between healing and recovery, too.
Healing versus Recovery
We can experience healing and feel better for a time; however, recovery has long-term effects that healing may not.
Recovery (grief recovery, in particular) encompasses all parts of ourselves; mental, physical, emotional, and may also include spiritual well-being, too. When we feel like we’re healing, we can feel better in these areas as well. However, you may have to utilize several modes of healing that target specific aspects (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual). Often, the feel-good feelings are experienced only as long as you are participating in those healing practices. Some modes of healing (like meditation) may have a longer-lasting positive influence. But again, they don’t have long-term effects unless you’re continually doing these types of activities in your daily life. For example, a massage feels fantastic for the hour you’re receiving it. It helps heal the muscle tissue and can have you feeling better for a few days afterward. However, once the feel-good feelings wear off, and you go back to your daily life, you’ll be ready for another massage.
Alternative Methods for Healing
Over the years, I’ve incorporated many different modes of healing into my life. For example, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), an alternative treatment for physical or emotional distress. It’s also referred to as tapping or psychological acupressure. People who use this technique believe tapping the body can create a balance in your energy system and treat pain. For me, it had helped to release emotional energy, especially at the beginning of 2014, when I first began to look for ways to help myself feel better.
In 2014, I also began using essential oils (for aromatherapy and overall health versus chemicals). Since then, I’ve created many different blends for all sorts of things. One mix I use religiously (especially when traveling) is a blend for those times I am having gut issues. I keep it in my purse at all times, actually, and yes – it does help me when I am experiencing bloating/gut ache. I recommend checking out this article that shares both sides of essential oils. Use at your discretion and take what you read with a grain of salt. Aside from personal use, I also use Young Living products for my home, like the Thieves cleaner, for example. Also, because I don’t burn candles for an aroma, and, although I do use wax melts, I like the flexibility of scents I have with essential oils, too. It’s all personal preference, but after five years, I still use them nearly daily.
Over the last few years, I’ve also incorporated meditation into my life. I’ve tried several different apps, including Headspace and Calm; however, my latest favorite is the Insight Timer. I also enjoy reading non-fiction in the arena of personal development and spiritual writings, too. On the topic of exercise, we know it’s good for us in all areas of life. It’s also been one of the areas I’ve often struggled to stay consistent with because I tend to get easily bored. I jump from one at-home program to the next, because, as I’m getting older, it’s become more challenging to find something I enjoy doing daily. I do like yoga, and at one point I could do a tripod headstand. However, I feel like it requires so much time. Or, maybe I see yogi’s doing yoga for an hour or more on the regular and feel overwhelmed by that level of commitment. Probably more of the latter.
When it comes to healing and looking for ways to improve our quality of life, ultimately, we must do what feels good, right? All of the things I’ve previously mentioned have been great at helping me to feel better (for a time), but they didn’t help me to recover.
8 Week Emotional Boot Camp
Grief recovery is a journey you take your heart on just as healing is a marathon and not a sprint. I think of grief recovery as a sprint; there isn’t anything else out there that can take you from feeling chained to the past and emotionally bogged down to emotional freedom. And, in eight weeks, as the Grief Recovery Method can. It may not feel good in the process, but anything good for us isn’t always a walk in the park. Remember my mention of exercise? Consider the Grief Recovery Method your 8-week emotional boot camp. I’ve gone through army boot camp and truth be told – my life was changed by both experiences. However, it’s during The Grief Recovery Method, where I grew in ways I only wish I had known about sooner.
Are you ready for your 8-week emotional boot camp experience? Although you will be pushed and challenged in ways you can’t yet understand, I’m a lot kinder than a drill sergeant. At the end of the eight weeks, you’ll see the fruits of your labor – minus the 6-pack, of course.
Join me in my next boot camp…errr…Grief Recovery group. I’d love to have you! I’m looking for at least four brave souls who are ready to unleash themselves of their past hurt. Do you want to move forward in life feeling empowered with new tools for recovery (and healing) that no one can ever take from you? Once you learn this method, you will forever have it at your disposal.
What is your LIFE worth to YOU? What are YOU worth? Are you ready to UNLEASH your heart from your past?
We can begin early August in Wishek if you’re ready. I also want to start a group in the Bismarck/Mandan area if you or someone you know is ready to begin a new relationship to grief. Message me on Facebook or Instagram or email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com to get started!
What is your first loss memory; the first time you experienced the death of a pet, loved one, or had to move away from friends/family, etc.? You may have also experienced an intangible loss, such as a loss of trust event as a child, too.
As adults, we don’t consider that the losses we experienced as young children (that cause grief) leave a lasting imprint on our hearts. However, they do. And the subsequent losses (that cause grief) we experience along the way is stacked on top of those previous losses.
Grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative, therefore, all of the undelivered communications you’ve accumulated in your life (and in your heart), creates a heaviness that only recovery alone can undo.
Ways Grief Stacks Up
When you’re young and you’ve lost your first pet, you’re likely taught that “it’s only a dog” and a dog can be replaced. But, what your parents don’t (or didn’t) understand was that to you, you felt like that dog was your only friend. And, you really can’t replace a beloved friend, can you?
When your family moves and you have to switch schools and forge new relationships, you’re also leaving old relationships behind. There may have been things, as a kid, you never got the chance to communicate to those you left behind. Or, perhaps there was a teacher who you felt close to, trusted, and who made you feel safe and you never got the chance to tell that teacher how much you appreciated them.
As a child, when you lose a loved one, adults may mistakenly make the assumption that, because you’re young, you don’t understand what’s going on – what it means when someone dies, etc.. So, there may be more grief experienced because, although you do understand, you’re not allowed the space and time to share your feelings around the loss.
Growing up, into the teen years, there are more grief experiences as well. Today, kids are dealing with bullying in a way that allows bullies to bully nearly 24/7 online and from their phones. There are self-image issues that many teens face as well. There may be struggles and challenges at home that has a negative impact on their education, too.
And, we all know that adulthood is filled with grief experiences. As adults, we experience relationships that come and go, choose careers that aren’t in alignment with our desires and values, marriages that turn out to be not meant-to-be, and parenthood brings with it grief at times, too. Also, as we age, our parents also age. We may become parent caregivers while raising families of our own.
When you start losing loved ones time after time, is when all of the unresolved feelings you’ve experienced over your life begin to come to the surface. When this happens, eventually, there will be one loss where all the grief will become too much to bear. You’ll find yourself pulled back in time, emotionally, to a previous loss you likely never dealt with or recovered from fully.
You may begin to feel stuck in your life. You may find yourself in the same types of situations or relationships over and over and over. You may feel as though you’ve lost a part of yourself and you find yourself searching in all the wrong places. Or perhaps you feel full of despair, regret, resentment, anger; all the emotions that had burrowed a deep hole within you.
Where Grief Begins
Grief isn’t something that begins in adulthood. You don’t know grief, for the first time, when your parent dies when you’re forty-five, for example. Grief experiences occurred long before that; you just haven’t seen the behaviors you’ve exhibited in your life as stemming from grief.
Grief, in adulthood, looks like gambling, addiction (porn, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.), chronic pain, high blood pressure, shopping, food, excess exercise, ulcers, stress, workaholism, approval-seeking behavior, and the list goes on and on. These are examples of short-term energy relieving behaviors or STERBS (affecting our emotional health) and a few examples of how grief manifests in our bodies (affecting our physical health).
Childhood Grief
When it comes to grief in children, I want to first illustrate a point. Human emotions in infants go from happy to sad, or sad to happy, without any apparent external stimulus. Infants communicate all feelings (sometimes, at the top of their lungs). They never question themselves until we start teaching them and showing them to not feel bad. Adults train children to believe that having sad feelings and communicating about those feelings is not okay. To the child’s developing mind, it becomes a simple choice: happy feelings are good and get rewarded vs. sad feelings are bad and get punished.
Grief, in children, is generally expressed the same as adults following a loss, for example. Sleeping patterns may change, eating patterns may change, too, and there’s an inability to concentrate. The way a child responds to grief is often the same because, monkey see, monkey do. In the example of a death of a loved one, if the parent isn’t communicating their sadness with their children and sharing in the loss and instead of going to be alone to grieve and cry because all they know (and were taught by well-meaning but misinformed people) is to be strong. Is it any surprise that the grieving child will do the same and not talk about their feelings?
Although adults (and teens) exhibit short-term energy relieving behaviors, they didn’t develop overnight in the teen and adult years. STERBS are the result of years of being taught unhelpful ways to respond to grief and the misinformation passed on since childhood.
Societal Impact of Grief
The rates of obesity, suicide, addiction, etc. have all been on the rise. Meanwhile, life expectancy rates have been on the decline, consistently, the past three years. These rates hadn’t changed since 1915-1918; life expectancy, in the U.S., had been on the rise ever since, until recent years, as previously mentioned. Check out the video below for recent statistical data information and the reasons the CDC provides insight into why life expectancy is declining.
After watching that short video, what do you think is at the root of the addiction, obesity, and suicide rates? Perhaps, it’s grief? Sounds too simple, right? I think not. Grief is anything but simple.
Self-Evaluation & Awareness
Take a self-examination of the behaviors you fall back on when you’re feeling emotional. Do you seek solace in the fridge, pill or liquor bottle, or another person’s bed? Do you close up and shut down the world around you? Or, do you find yourself angry at the world, consumed with negativity and pessimism?
Awareness is what we need to know what needs to change.
We don’t get to where we are in our adult lives (emotionally, physically, or mentally) overnight, friend. We are a work-in-progress of some form of self-destruction in some way or another. However, it’s never too late to choose to become a work-in-progress toward healing and recovery.
My most favorite place to be is on a little slab of concrete outside my patio door. We have an apple tree and another tree that’s really quite messy but offers shade. I love putting out a bird feeder in the apple tree. It’s funny to watch the birds start to get a little feisty with each other. Just this morning, too, I saw a blackbird chase away a squirrel. I later found, up high in the messy tree, there was a blackbird nest. The mother bird was doing as God intended and was protecting her young.
My Favorite Place
This week, the mornings have been nothing short of glorious. It’s been calm, perfect weather, and nature is bursting with life. I have immensely enjoyed my mornings this week. My attitude and spirit have been elevated, too. As I am writing this, I am sitting outside, taking in all the sights and sounds nature has to offer. And for me, it fills my cup. I’ve always been fond of, too, the final few minutes of CBS Sunday Morning where they take viewers to a place in nature and offer a bit of uninterrupted nature time. Here’s my version (audio only, of course), recorded just for you from my patio. Shut out the world and give yourself 30 seconds to enjoy the sounds of nature. Here is my version – recorded from my patio just for you. Shut out the world and give yourself 30 seconds of uninterrupted time with sounds of singing birds. 🙂
We often think we need to get away to “get away” from it all. I have found, all I need to do is step outside my patio door. Nature is God-given medicine. Add in a morning walk (or run, if that’s your jam) at sunrise before the rest of the world wakes up then ask yourself: Is there a better way to start a day? Some would argue – nope, sleeping in is the best. On some days, I would wholeheartedly agree. However, getting out the door is the hardest part. But once you do and return home to begin the day, you realize something happened in your heart and mind that wouldn’t have happened had you slept in or chose to get out of bed and go straight to obligations.
I want to encourage you, especially if you live in the northern plains where winter is long and, more often than not – harsh, to truly make a plan to enjoy the beauty nature has to offer while we have the glorious mornings to fully embrace it; it does a healthy (and grieving) heart good.
What is your favorite place? If your heart is grieving a loved one, did they have a favorite place? Perhaps visiting their favorite place would wash you over with feelings of peace and calm? If you feel it would only be painful, perhaps it’s time to address the unresolved grief resting in your heart. I want you to know, it is possible to think of your loved one with fondness and loving memories again and without the immense hurt and pain you’ve familiarized yourself with instead. Skeptical? Reach out to me and I will share how it’s possible or read more HERE.
P.S. Are you interested in taking part in a future Grief Recovery Group? Get on the email list and you will be the first to know of upcoming grief recovery informational talks/group dates and locations. You’ll also receive weekly doses of inspirational goodness from my heart to yours. 🙂
When was the last time you had a fantastic day where it felt like nothing could take the wind out of your sails? You didn’t spend hours being upset about something; where even mother nature provided a goldilocks-kind-of-day to enjoy. Most of us have to think real hard about this question. Because life isn’t perfect, right? And rarely do we have a day that feels as such. Or, is it how we’re choosing to see it? Furthermore, is how we see our days being influenced by the grief we store in our hearts?
Consider, too, for a moment the grief we store in our hearts and then add on our political climate with opposing views, often among family members. Then, tack on our home climate – is it chaotic, frenzied, harmful, or so busy you would forget to be if it weren’t for your phone (this has been me, too, no shame).
Is it any wonder we’re stressed out to the max? Add on the demands of life and life events that occur that are beyond our control and our bodies become the perfect incubators for disease.
I tend to feel drained by heavily social situations and I also tend to take on the negative energy of others, if I’m not mindful. Meditation is wonderful for a mental recharge/reset but how you prevent it is where I was looking forward to hearing her insight. She said that we cannot attach to the outcome and that where the energy is at in others is not our business. It’s a practice of mindfulness; witnessing the energy of others, acknowledging that that is their current experience, and noticing what is going in our own energy space. And then it’s a matter of choosing to not allow ourselves to get into negative energy and doing whatever we can to elevate our own (to put our oxygen mask on first).
Some Things You Can Do to Shift Your Energy Quickly
Remove yourself from the presence of the situation/person.
Saying a prayer or an affirmation to yourself. For example, I am in charge of my thoughts. I decide how I want to feel. God/Angels/Universe, help me to see this situation differently.
Taking a walk in nature is a wonderful mind/body reset, too.
Meditation, as previously mentioned. It doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out process. Even 10 minutes helps! Recently, I learned of a neat technique through a young girl’s youth program in which I’m a mentor. Sit on the floor, put a hand in front of you on the floor with your fingers spread out. With eyes open or closed, take the index finger of your other hand and, starting at the base of your thumb, trace your fingers all the way around your hand, breathing in as you trace your finger moving up and exhaling as you trace your finger down. It’s a very effective calming technique and because you’re focusing on your breathing, it’s also a quick meditation practice that’s easy enough for kids and adults alike that may have never meditated or have tried it but found it challenging. Quieting the mind is hard; however, the point is to focus on deep, belly breathing. Thoughts will come and go and that’s okay. Always come back to your breath; you can’t do it wrong. It may be helpful, too, to count up to 8 in your head as you inhale, and while exhaling, count down from 8.
Listen to uplifting music.
Read positive quotes.
Watch some animal/baby YouTube videos. Seriously, this works. A good laugh is good for the soul.
Reframe the situation. What is one positive thing you can say about what you’ve experienced? What has the experience taught you? How can you carry that lesson moving forward?
The above are generic suggestions for shifting energy quickly. Life is full of challenges and this is not an attempt to simplify or minimize those challenges. Take what is helpful and ditch the rest. It’s a matter of cleaning up our side of the energy space. We are all energy. And, thoughts are energy, too. Thoughts become feelings and feelings become actions. And we back it all up with energy.
Back when I went to Austin, TX for my grief recovery certification training, I mentioned in this blog post meeting a new friend who is a Buddhist. We have kept in touch and recently we had a conversation about how to not take on the energy of others and we discussed the aforementioned. My friend went on to provide a beautiful analogy of our spirit/inner-light. She told me to imagine myself as a candle – “you are a light,” she said. She went on to explain that when you take one candle to light another, the first candle doesn’t get dimmer, rather, it burns just as bright – it’s not losing anything. So, when you’re sharing your light with others freely (without holding on to a certain outcome), similarly like a candle, your light is not extinguished and it’s then allowed the light of others to burn brightly, too. I just found that to be a beautiful analogy for the human spirit. We don’t have to feel like we’re losing a part of ourselves (and giving up our energy) when we help others burn brightly. Rather, we take care of and nurture our (inner) light so we can help others.
Sharing My Light So YOU Can Burn More Brightly
Wednesday night, I gave my last talk before I was planning to start my first Grief Recovery Group. I came into it with a ton of energy, enthusiasm, and excitement! I had two people show up that weren’t even from the community and I left with the same energy, enthusiasm, and excitement – not for me – for them. Why? Because they took action and showed up for themselves. They are tired of the grief weighing on their hearts and lives and have decided to do something about it. I admire them for it because it takes courage. All the while, my heart is sad for those who feel that the pain is more deserving of their heart than the love that is locked away because it’s unable to be fully expressed.
Over the last five weeks or so, I’ve given three talks in three different communities. The first talk had 2 people in attendance. The next talk had 1 person. And the last talk, as I mentioned, 2 showed up. I know there are a lot more than 4-5 grievers out there within a 45-minute drive of me. I know there are.
It is so common that few show up to these talks at the beginning that I was forewarned. Yup, my mentors at The Grief Recovery Institute told me this would happen! Perhaps you wanted to come but you had prior obligations or you had an emergency. I get that things happen. No worries. Who I am directly talking to right now are those who know they’re hurting, whose hearts told them to put their shoes on but whose minds talked them out of it. Because I know that’s exactly what was happening and what I was told would happen.
What’s Possible
We all reach the end of our ropes at some point. Perhaps your hurting heart is just not there yet. And, that’s okay. There is no timeline to grief because truthfully, you’ll never be rid of it. Never. The love has nowhere to go when you’ve lost the one you were giving it to. However, it is possible to think of your loved one and not be taken back to the deep grief you’re currently feeling. It is possible to think of your loved one and remember the happy times more than all the things you never got to say, wish you would’ve said, or all the memories you’ll never share again. It’s living alongside grief. It’s actually living – moving forward beyond the grief that is possible.
I can’t want this for you more than you want it for yourself. If this resonates with you and you feel a tug in your heart to join those who’ve decided to take this journey of healing, you have until Wednesday, May 29th, at the latest to join. We actually start next Wednesday, the 22nd, however, week 2 is the cut-off date. After this 8-week group, I don’t know when the next group will be held.
Will you choose to heal? If not now, when? If not this, then what?
P.S. If you would like more info or would like to begin your healing journey next week, email me directly at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com OR reach out via Facebook messenger on my page, The Unleashed Heart.
One of my favorite shows (in fact, I DVR it) is CBS Sunday Morning. This past Sunday, there was a story about a man who receives people’s secrets on postcards. Secrets that many would otherwise likely take to their grave. It’s gained so much traction, there are exhibitions of the postcard secrets. It’s an amazing example of how one idea can change your life.
Anyway, it got me thinking about grief being a result of a secret or maybe many secrets. We tend to hold the most painful things closest to our hearts and the postcard secrets is a beautiful outlet for people to give their grief a voice.
A Grief Wish in a Bottle
If I told you to write a message of truth about your grief on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle, and throw it into the ocean – what would you have it say? What do you wish others knew about your grief? What would be your S.O.S. or your grief wish?
Like the gentlemen said in the postcard secret story (at around 3 minutes 45 seconds) about how keeping a secret keeps hold of us; I believe grief keeps hold of us, too. We hold ourselves back from our lives in work, love, relationships, and our potential. Our growth is hindered and our perspective shifted in a new, unrecognizable way that we’re afraid to step into our lives fully because it’s a path we didn’t choose.
You may be reading and thinking that you don’t have grief. You may not have experienced an emotional loss of any kind (which is grief). Although I believe that is highly unlikely, perhaps the word secret resonates with you more?
What is your secret? Does this secret cause you grief? I bet it has and maybe still does. Know that that is normal and natural. And also know that it’s not weak to ask for help – it takes courage.
Fear & Grief
You may be afraid to open the windows and doors of your mind and heart, letting all the grief out because what if changes you? Well, grief changed you, right? And that wasn’t your choice. You have a choice, though, now – in how you move forward and what is written in your life story moving forward.
You may be afraid to let go of the familiar feeling grief has provided you, somehow making you feel connected to what you lost. But know that it’s the resistance of letting go of the grief that is keeping you in the past, too. Grief may have changed you, but it doesn’t need to define you for the rest of your life.
My wish for you is that you can look back on what you’ve lost and rather than be pulled back into the feelings of the loss and allow it to dictate the present, instead, inner-peace washes over you about how far you’ve come. Rather than the positive memories being overtaken by the negative, you command the driver’s seat of the present – in how you feel, what you know to be true, and the internal perspective of the grief you choose to give focus to.
It is the belief, feeling, or experience you have.
Now you’re probably wondering: What do you mean?
Let me explain with the backstory.
A Buddhist and Christian walk into PF Chang’s in Austin, TX not knowing each other and leave as friends. I’m [the] Christian in this true story.
Not coincidentally (because I don’t believe in coincidences and this has been proven to me many times over throughout my life), this Buddhist woman came into my life as a “teacher” in perfect timing. Our conversation inspired this post.
She shared so many wisdom-isms (I’ll call them) with me that had me hanging on her every word. One of my favorites was this analogy she used to share how we always have a choice to write how we feel about certain things/experiences in one of three places: in water, sand, or in stone. These thoughts/beliefs are not permanent unless we make them so.
We can write them in the fluidity of water, coming and going with ease; not holding, forcing, or resisting. We can write these things in the sand where they’ll stay for a time – eventually fading. Or, we can carve them in stone, forever taking up emotional and mental space.
The choice is always ours.
Which will you choose, friend?
P.S. This post was an exercise in patience, in writing my feelings in water as I had to re-write the entire thing. Not sure how it was initially deleted but sigh…such is life, sometimes; gotta go with the flow and ride the tide.
We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies.
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
