Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Spirituality |
Grab a piece of paper and a pen and write out these two questions:
Where / who were you at this exact time a decade ago?
Who have you become?
Give yourself some time to reflect and write out your responses.
These two questions (and more – asked in a mastermind I am in) had me nearly in tears because I look back at that time with a lot of sadness when it should have been the most joyful time of my life. Instead, I reflect and feel how anxious, exhausted, and overwhelmed I was. I was a new-ish mom of three, raising them mostly as a single parent due to my husband’s job at the time, and thinking I could be super-woman and start a business at the same time: not to mention, and work nights. I look back, and the phrase that comes to mind is I was bat-shit crazy — determined as well, yes. But it takes at least a slight level of crazy to think that I could do it all and still retain balance (What the heck is that, anyway? lol!) and my sanity.
We rarely take the time the time to reflect on the person we once were. It’s a shame not to celebrate the growth we’ve experienced along the way. Not to mention, the healing that’s taken place, the layers we’ve shed – only to become more of who we are and always were. The child in all of us screams to express himself or herself, and we forget, don’t we? What it’s like to love without judgment, cry without caution, and express ourselves without self-doubt and fear.
Who you want to be is who you once were. You already were that person as a child — our childhood’s hold all the keys and clues to our adult selves. As a kid, I was curious about the spiritual side of things; astrology, palm reading, etc.. I’m finding my way back to my curious nature, that I had lost sight of while I was knee-deep in diapers. And, after years of life without faith, then finding it again, and feeling a spiritual connection, so many shifts have taken place in my life. What is happening for me presently, is that the more I am connecting to that part of me, the more healing I am experiencing on a deeper, more connected, and spiritual level. So, to some, I probably sound pretty woo-woo right now. And, that’s fine. I can only tell the truth about myself, and your spiritual path is yours and yours alone, too.
While grief recovery opened me up to healing, becoming holy fire reiki certified has deepened my healing in a way I can’t quite even explain myself yet. I had quite the experience at my certification training. I know I will be taking the next level of master training next year, too. I’ve found listening to my intuition hasn’t steered me wrong and has led to some incredible experiences. Why stop now?
Looking back and reflecting on how we see our past selves can bring up a lot of feelings, which is good. It’s in the feelings that we will find what needs healing. And, it’s in feelings that we know more clearly what it is we don’t want, so we can yes to more of what we do.
So, who do you want to be?
Childhood Grief, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness |
Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I’ve changed as a parent, and in my parenting style, since completing grief recovery and certification.
Before grief recovery, particularly in the last five years, I recognize that the anger I’ve carried within me since childhood has often gotten the best of me. As a newer parent, when my children were young, the pressure of taking care of the kids in the day-to-day (often alone) was very isolating and overwhelming. It makes me sad that I don’t feel like I truly enjoyed those years as much as I could have. But, when your spouse’s job takes them away, often for days at a time, you don’t have time to dwell on such things. You simply carry the parenting torch sleep-deprived and, in my case, with anger, too.
I can’t imagine what it’s like for the parent left behind when their spouse deploys. I have much admiration for the parents that carry the parenting torch alone when their spouse deploys – which, comes too, with grief for all involved. And, I certainly have empathy when a parent is left to parent alone when it’s due to the death of their beloved.
What Grief Recovery Taught Me about Parenting
What I have come to know and learn through grief recovery work is we all, each and every one of us, carries our inner-child within us. And, we all carry the stories, bruises, hurt, sadness, etc. that we experienced in childhood, too. We learn at a young age how to cope, or rather, not cope, with all of our emotions. We will continue to parent our children in the present with a veil of sadness, anger, or hurt we carry unless we own and heal our inner-child. We will also teach from a place that lacks boundaries – because we teach what we know.
If we were raised by our parents getting anything and everything we wanted and never had to take responsibility for our actions, what are we learning? Similarly, what if we never had to experience consequences resulting from our behavior? Or, on the flip side, what if we’re raised by dictating, rigid, controlling parents? We, too, will raise our children this way. My point is, no matter which camp you were raised in, you likely have some grief as a result. Parents who bail out, excuse, and over-indulge likely didn’t share an emotional connection with their child – or didn’t know how; the important stuff was swept under the rug. On the flip-side, those who raise their children in a dictating, rigid, controlling way – likely, too, lack emotional connection with their child.
In full transparency, I fell into the camp of dictating and controlling and, until grief recovery, hadn’t recognized that’s what my parenting style had been. This parenting gig is the hardest job ever. By no means, are there any experts because we all learn along the way because, too, every child is different. The consequence of not connecting the dots of our inner-child wounds to our parenting style is that we will continue to raise our kids how we were taught. And, the vicious cycle will continue. The way we learned to process our emotions (or not deal them) as kids, has a direct impact on how we teach our children to deal with theirs.
Consequences of Not Healing Your Inner-Child
Rather than parenting to control, fix, serve, or dictate, we can learn how not to project our pain onto our kids. And instead, approach parenting from a place of connection and acceptance rather than who we think our kids should be. We are born perfect but along the way, we often learn we are less than. So, we do our damndest to become more than – prettier, skinnier, faster, smarter, etc., but often end up self-destructing because of the inner-child saying, “you’ll never measure up.”
Regardless of which way the pendulum swings for you, either way, you likely have self-worth issues. Either you’re always working to reach higher; be, have, do, and achieve more. Or, you’ve never actually believed you had potential in the first place (and did anyone encourage you), so why try?
Grief recovery has been a gift beyond my inner-child wounds; bringing to light the errors of my ways in parenting. It’s allowed me the necessary space to learn and grow and become emotionally healthier for me, so I can better connect and express myself toward my kids. I’ve quit saying, “I’m proud,” and instead of say, “you should be proud of yourself.” You may not think anything of that, but the truth of what you’re saying is that your child has the power to make you feel a certain way. Which, goes against a fact we already know: we are responsible for our own feelings, no one else.
It has been in learning to re-parent the inner-child within me that has helped me grow in my parenting style. I see things in my kids now that I don’t believe I noticed before. Our oldest, 14, is a deep thinker like myself, but he also has big emotions like I do, too. So, I’ve learned I need to remind him he’s responsible for those big emotions, no one else. Our middle, almost 13, has been more open about her feelings than before. I’ve been able to help her understand that our emotions have a direct impact on our bodies. She’s learned that the mind-body connection is a real thing, and I’ve felt more prepared to help her. It was through grief recovery, where I gained the same understanding. And, our youngest, 10, lights up when she’s sharing a story or personal experience, and she never leaves out any details. This has translated into my understanding that she also requires lots of more information to feel secure and confident in situations or in knowing what is happening next.
The amount of awareness grief recovery has brought me is more than I could ever possibly put into words. I’ve said it before, and I’ll repeat it, grief recovery is a gift you give yourself that will keep on giving. Our children were not given to us to fill some need or deficit in our lives. And if you think about it, that’s a lot of pressure to put on another human being. What we crave is the fundamental human need – connection. However, the first (and most important) connection we need to focus on is the one with ourselves. Everything else in our lives flows from that and any issues we encounter in our lives, parenting or otherwise, leads back to us – and our inner child.
All roads lead back to us. Always.
Grief, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness |
When there is a decision you need to make, how do you decide? Or, if there is something you know you need to let go of, how do you come to the decision to take action?
A simple question you could ask yourself is this: “Does it feel heavy or light?” But is that even so simple? I’m challenging this idea in today’s post, so we’ll see where it takes me.
Typically, I share my blog posts every Friday, but, this past week, I was swamped between work and prepping for a presentation. I gave my first presentation yesterday to a room of educators on the topic of grief in children and teens. After the presentation, I had some work that I needed to do and a blog post to write. But, I just didn’t have it in me. The night before, I had gotten very little sleep. I was wiped out and the week had caught up to me. Mid-week, it felt like I was also coming down with something – so far so good.
Someone had shared a photo on Instagram that posed this question: “Does it feel heavy or light?” And, it’s gotten me thinking.
Did doing this presentation feel heavy? Yes, but not in a way that gave me a feeling that I shouldn’t do it. In fact, it felt heavy because of the weight of importance I had given it. Did I feel light in the process of giving it? Yes – energized even! I was excited to share what I’ve learned about grief and, with children/teens, in particular. This talk was about prevention. Prevention is also what the 4-week Helping Children with Loss program is about, too.
Circling back to the initial question; what does heaviness feel like, anyway? I would describe it as this feeling of resistance, tension within the body, and an intuitive knowing that it’s not easy.
If you’ve thought about participating in my next Grief Recovery Group starting August 28th, perhaps it’s a feeling of heaviness that comes over you that I described?
And here’s where I take issue with this question. Sometimes, it’s the hardest things we ever do in our lives that are the very things needing to be done. Going through the method myself, I knew what to expect – somewhat, but I knew, going in, that what I was dealing with was feeling extremely heavy.
So, perhaps this question works to ask yourself if you should go out with your friends in the evening or if it’s a Sunday afternoon and Netflix sounds better than an online meeting.
A Follow-Up Question to Ask Yourself
When it comes to the big decisions in our lives, I don’t think it’s a simple question, such as described in the first paragraph, that will help you with your next step. Maybe the best next question is: “Why?”
I wanted to educate and make an impact, with my talk, to those educators. I wanted to spread the word about the Helping Children with Loss program. I wanted to challenge myself in a way I never before had. Finally, I wanted to see how I would feel about the possibility of doing more public speaking.
Had I only asked myself if doing this felt heavy or light, I wouldn’t have done it. Yesterday in my talk, I spoke about the thought and feeling process. First, we have a thought, which is followed by a feeling, which is then followed by either action – or inaction. But, it also depends on how we choose to label the thought -with either a positive or a negative. When I first considered doing this talk, I gave the idea a positive label.
Therefore, the feelings that followed were positive, too. And, the action that I took moved me in a positive direction to where I did follow through by doing the talk.
So, going back to if you’re asking yourself if you should join me in my next group, why does it feel light? Or, more likely, why does it feel heavy?
Having gone through it myself and witnessed others going through it as well, I already know your answer.
The better question to ask yourself now is why? Why are you resisting? Why are you not listening to your heart?
At the core, is the more significant, million-dollar question that’s the hardest to answer because of the overwhelm of it…
WHAT DO I WANT?
We’re taught how to acquire things but not what to do when we lose them. And we’re taught that wanting more for ourselves is somehow wrong and selfish.
Do you want to heal your heart? If so, why?
What are you waiting for? If not now – then when?
P.S. If you’d like to register for the next group program in Wishek at the Wishek Senior Center starting Wednesday, August 18th at 7PM, please email me to do so at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com – or, get in touch if you have any questions. You can also message me on Facebook, too.
Grief, Mind/Body Wellness |
Have you experienced the death of a loved one that is painful after several months – maybe even years?
First, know that you’re normal and there’s nothing wrong with you.
Also, I’ve mentioned it many times, but it’s worth repeating, we experience grief in more ways than the death of a loved one. Perhaps you have found yourself single again after a divorce? Whether you were married six years or twenty-six years, it still causes a change in or end of a pattern of behavior in your life, which, in turn, causes you to experience grief. Add in all of the unresolved communication, regardless of the circumstances, and it all boils down to grief.
So, how productive do you think you are when you clock into your 9-5 after you’ve either buried (or said goodbye) to the person you’ve shared your life with for an extended period of time?
Do you find yourself starting one thing, only finding yourself staring into space trying to remember your last thought, and feeling overwhelmed by life itself? The very thought of doing anything feels like a heavy burden and strenuous effort. You know your mental capacity isn’t what it used to be. And if you’re self-employed or are a stay-at-home/work-at-home parent, you find yourself in the same clothes more than one day and your personal hygiene is the last priority on your list.
Life itself feels like a struggle. It’s not day by day; it’s more like minute by minute.
Hanging on…you keep hanging on.
Grief infests every nook and cranny of our lives. We are at its mercy, and our minds fight only what only our hearts can heal.
The impact of grief on our productivity is profound. We think stress is our problem. We think anxiety is our problem. But, I challenge you to consider that grief is often the root of stress and anxiety.
Think about it; every thought and feeling has energy behind it. So, when we don’t know how to process our feelings and we have negative racing thoughts, energy fills our bodies. However, rather than being good, positive energy, it’s depleting, exhaustion-causing energy that radiates in our bodies, infests our hearts, and consumes our minds. If that energy has nowhere to go, it has no choice but to explode as angry/emotional outbursts, physical reactions (such as a racing heart), etc., or it implodes, and we experience stress, anxiety/panic attacks, and illness. How productive do you think you are during these times? This is the fight or flight response that’s naturally within us to save us in a forest with bears. Still, instead of running from bears, we’re running from our hearts, calling for healing in cubicles, coffee shops, corporate elevators, or in our kitchens.
And guess what – this is completely normal and natural. You’re not crazy. You’re not losing your mind; there’s nothing wrong with you. A pill isn’t going to be your magic bullet and chase your emotions away. It may calm your mind, but it’s not going to get to the root of why you walked into your doctor’s office in the first place. And I say this respectfully – doctors don’t know how to mend broken hearts. They attempt to do what their education taught them, which only reinforces what society tells us to do – do anything humanly possible to avoid emotional suffering. Because, damn it, you just need to get over it already. And, before you know it, you’re let go from your job because you’ve exhausted all your sick time. Or, you’ve grudgingly dragged yourself back to work and secretly know it’s too soon for you, and you’re struggling to keep your head above water.
Grief in the workplace is an issue for all of us to look at and address in a healthier way because grief is a fact of life. While many articles and books have been published on grief, very little is available on how to deal with it in the workplace. This is unfortunate because grief can dramatically impact the work environment.
The Expense of Grief in the Workplace
In 2003, The Grief Recovery Institute conducted a study to quantify the financial impact of grief in the workplace. Recognizing that people grieve not only death but other factors as well, we studied these hidden costs related to multiple losses:
- Death of a loved one
- Divorce
- Family Crisis
- Financial Loss
- Death of extended family, colleagues, and friends
- Major lifestyle alterations
- Pet loss Other losses
The resulting financial loss in productivity to businesses in 2003 was calculated to be just over 75 billion dollars! The Grief Recovery Institute is currently in the process of revising and updating this study, but preliminary figures are coming in at more than 100 billion dollars in lost productivity. That is an enormous figure by anyone’s standards.
How Can You Make a Difference?
Recognizing the cost is one thing, but offering any type of support is quite another. I will approach this from two perspectives: management and coworkers. While management sets policies to deal with workplace situations, these grievers deal with co-workers most of the time daily.
Management
Most larger corporations have policies in place to deal with various workplace challenges. They normally have a policy setting the number of days of bereavement time off related to a death. The national standard, frequently mentioned, is three days, and only if it is an immediate family member, such as a spouse, child, or parent. They rarely offer time away from work for any of the other grieving situations identified in the Grief Index.
While three days may allow for time to attend a service, it certainly is not enough time to recover from the emotional pain associated with a loss. The impact of the loss not only takes an emotional toll on an employee but also affects their focus and concentration, which can certainly influence their ability to do their job. Whatever their job involves, whether it be accounting, customer service, or an assembly line, a lack of focus and concentration negatively impacts their performance.
Please understand that I’m not saying that management is only concerned with productivity and not the emotional well-being of their employees. At this point, we are only discussing how an emotionally painful event can relate to productivity in the workplace. Adding another day or two of paid leave is not likely to make a noticeable change in this. Other actions can be part of the company policy that can make a difference.
Positive Actions Management Might Consider
- Since most grief-generating experiences are unanticipated, it might be that this person receives a phone call that either takes them away from work or generates an immediate grieving response. In either of these situations, a manager or someone in Human Resources who knows this individual must inquire as to “what happened.” Knowing the answer to this question will give the best information on how to make a difference.
This management team member should understand that they simply need to listen and not try to “fix” the situation. The Grief Recovery article, “Grief Support: Knowing What To Say And What To Avoid,” offers excellent guidelines on what they might say that will help and those comments that might cause emotional damage. The greatest value at this point is in what can be offered to this new griever concerning workplace considerations. Depending on the situation, possible actions might include:
- Bereavement Leave
- Sick Leave
- Vacation Time
- Redistribution of workload to accommodate reduced concentration or time away from work. (Depending on that person’s role in the company, it would be wise to stress to this employee that this action is temporary and is in no way a “demotion.”.)
- If this event will require the individual to be away from the job for any period of time, management is encouraged to ask if they might be allowed to share with other staff anything about this event. They need to explain that this question is to help the employee by allowing management to answer questions from concerned coworkers, thereby reducing the number of other people calling and asking what happened. This new griever will likely have enough to handle without fielding more calls from co-workers looking for the same information.
It would also be very positive for this company contact to keep in touch with this employee concerning how things are progressing. This could be done via phone calls or emails if the employee is away from work. When appropriate, some of this information might then be shared with co-workers. If the grief event has not taken them away from work, these continued contacts can help ensure that the griever and the management team have an open line of communication from which they both can benefit.
- If this event is the death of a family member, there may be a standard policy to send flowers or a fruit basket to offer support. This is well received for many, but for some, it may seem an empty gesture. A better policy might be to inquire if this employee would prefer flowers, a memorial donation, or food for a family meal. This type of offer allows for customizing the gesture to that employee’s specific needs.
- If possible, it would serve the company well to offer an “in-service” for that employee’s co-workers on how to offer the best possible support when the griever returns to work. Based on that previously mentioned article, advice on what to say and what to avoid could prove very helpful. It’s often the case that people have so little knowledge on this subject that they say things that add to a griever’s emotional pain after the loss rather than reducing it.
- Most companies would rather retain valuable employees than lose them. Since The Grief Recovery Institute’s studies have shown that employees are often less productive when dealing with an emotional loss, this can create problems in the workplace. If a loss of productivity is noted, it would be wise for companies to have support resources available. This might be in the form or having an established relationship with a Grief Recovery Specialist (cough, cough, I know someone!) or having a staff member trained in grief support services.
Co-Worker Support
There are many ways that co-workers can provide support after a grief-causing event. Primarily, they must understand that grief is not just related to death. Every major change in life can be a source of grief. Once again, the article “Grief Support: Knowing What To Say And What To Avoid” can be a very helpful tool in providing verbal and non-verbal support.
While it is pointed out in the article that asked, “What happened?” is a positive question in most situations, if management has already shared this information with them, it’s not something that everyone else needs to ask! It would be far better for these co-workers to begin a conversation with the comment, “The boss (or whoever) told us what happened. Do you want to talk about it?” In asking this, co-workers acknowledge the “event” and offer the griever the option of sharing more or expressing any feelings about it.
That article points out that while many positive things might be offered to help this new griever, any suggestions on how they should or should not feel about this event should be avoided. Likewise, suppose these co-workers have experienced similar losses. In that case, they need to understand that telling this new griever they “know how they feel” is not helpful since we each respond differently to any given loss.
Another thing that should be avoided is discussing “The Stages of Grief.” While many people have heard about these so-called stages of the grief process, they offer a griever no value in actually dealing with the emotional pain that they are experiencing after any loss. More than anything else, suggesting that they must go through these stages creates confusion that often prevents them from taking valuable positive action to move beyond that pain.
Every work environment is different. Some people work for large corporations, while the vast majority work with just a few other employees. It’s difficult to create guidelines that will work in every situation. The goal is to point out a few basic things that can be used to the best advantage in as many situations as possible.
Perhaps the best thing anyone can do when dealing with grief in the workplace is to offer the new griever information about The Grief Recovery Method to take grief recovery actions for themselves. This program is a step-by-step approach, an action-based program, for dealing with the emotional pain associated with loss. It recognizes that people never “get over” a loss, but with the proper information, they can learn to survive and thrive despite it.
Seeking Support Elsewhere
Reaching out isn’t always easy, and there’s often not enough time to access the resources you need to feel better. Therapy can take time, and that’s time not everyone has. A busy life and your geographic location can pose challenges in receiving support. However, with my online support, your geographic location does not have to be a barrier to receiving help. Also, although I generally meet with clients on Wednesday evenings, there is flexibility in scheduling for busy lives.
One Final Thought: Don’t Be “Captain Obvious”
Also, to show your support, sharing my contact info in a [non-analytical, non-judgmental] way is a loving gesture. A griever may react defensively because, in society and more often in some communities, asking for help is looked down upon. If you share my info, say: “I see you are hurting. Here’s Victoria’s contact info; she is certified in grief recovery.” That’s it. Shut your lips after that. A griever doesn’t need to hear your reasons why you think they need help. They already know, in their hearts, without “Captain Obvious” showing up again. Don’t be “Captain Obvious.” 😉
*A portion of this blog post is adapted from The Grief Recovery Method blog.
Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
In the past several weeks, I’ve spoken with various mental health professionals, as well as church leaders, hospice workers, etc., who’ve shared their experiences with grief support groups with me. In some instances, they were the grief support group organizers and facilitators.
After sharing about what grief recovery is and how it moves a hurting heart from emotional stuck-ness to freedom, we discussed how the two support group options differ. In nearly all instances, those I spoke with expressed how the grief recovery method sounds different from traditional support groups they’re accustomed to – in a good way. Simply put – it is different.
So, I felt it was time I share how GRM (grief recovery method) differs from traditional grief support groups on the blog.
As you can see, there are some differences that stand out. Above, are four of the main ones. I believe traditional grief support groups have their place. Typically, however, it’s the death of a loved one that brings someone to a grief support group because, in society, when people talk about grief, people assume someone must’ve died.
Considering there are more than forty losses one can experience, then I feel, people who may benefit from a grief support group, don’t look into it because perhaps their loss isn’t due to a death. Maybe an individual experiences bankruptcy and financial ruin. Or, perhaps the individual has been estranged from family and they feel alone. No one died, but that person is still a grieving heart with nowhere to turn.
Grief: Who Died?
So, just as people correlate grief to death, so too, people correlate grief support groups to death. That is actually an aspect of misinformation I share when I talk about grief. And, it’s something I want to reiterate that the grief recovery method is not only for those who’ve experienced the death of a loved one. There are many instances where someone will come to grief recovery and believe they will work on the death of a loved one, when in fact, they end up working on emotionally completing a relationship to someone living.
Living people in our lives cause us grief as well. Millions of adults everywhere are walking around with their hearts wounded from childhood. Grief starts in childhood and it accumulates and it’s accumulatively negative.
So, although grief support groups often help individuals after a loss in their lives due to death, help the griever not to isolate and to feel supported; what traditional grief support groups don’t do is help people to process their emotions and give all of their pain a voice in a healthy, well-formatted way.
What the GRM Experience Looks Like
In grief recovery, we’re not meeting weekly for 8 weeks and sharing in a circle all of our pain and suffering; quite the opposite. Safety in sharing is the number one priority in grief recovery, so a bond of trust and confidentiality is established first before anyone shares (unless they choose to early on). From there, each week there is action required that work on giving all of the incomplete communications and feelings a voice. Traditional grief support groups do not do this for grievers. Yes, they are free. But, if being an entrepreneur for over 10 years has taught me anything it’s that people simply don’t value free. And, if the work that is required to become emotionally free were offered with traditional support groups, very very few would ever complete it. It is the personal investment in one’s self that aids in one’s ability to heal.
How Much is the Rest of Your Life Worth to You?
When you have a toothache, you go to the dentist. And, if you’re told you need a root canal, you have the root canal and you pay for it. When you break a leg, you go to the doctor to seek treatment – again, you pay for it. But yet, when your heart is broken, you apply bandaid after bandaid and hope to God that something eventually sticks. Or, worse – you do what society has taught you and you buck up, stuff it down, replace the loss, grieve alone, try your damndest to pretend you’re fine, try to be strong for yourself and others, keep yourself busy, and just accept that grief just takes time; it’ll get better – eventually. You just need to hold on for one more day. And, before you know it, that one more day becomes three decades. And, when you experience loss after loss during that time, finally there is one that causes you to reach your grieving heart’s breaking point. You realize therapy hasn’t helped, antidepressants make you feel like crap and don’t feel like what you need, other holistic approaches felt good for a time but life moves on around you and you can’t sit in meditation for 18 hours a day. And, although praying brings you solace, and you feel like you’ve given it all to God, you continue to find your eyes well up with tears, growing more emotionally and physically drained by the day. You continue to feel like a hamster on the wheel of life and you know if something doesn’t work soon, this life is over for you as you know it.
Despair.
I’ve felt it.
There is hope. It’s grief R-E-C-O-V-E-R-Y. Recovery.
The word recovery has never sounded so good to me. And the word grief has never meant more to me than it does today. It’s taken on a whole new meaning for me, too. I bring people H-O-P-E. Hope.
Hope & Recovery. Two words I use to describe the Grief Recovery Method.
Does your grief support group give you that?
P.S. Are you ready to start a new chapter in your life? One where you finally sit in the driver’s seat, roll the windows down, feel the breeze on your face, and see the past you in the rearview (along with the grief that kept you there). I’m working on locking in locations for groups to start in Wishek/Bismarck (hopefully late August/early Sept.). If you want to be sure not to miss the announcement, “Like” my FB Page, sign up for my weekly newsletter, or contact me via email at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com or phone at 701.336.7720. Spots are limited!
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Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness |
The perk of spending a lot of time behind the wheel in my day job is that I get a lot of open road time which equates to a lot of thinking/pondering/dreaming/planning/personal development time.
You may be scratching your head about the last one. Rightfully so; how can driving equate to personal development time, you ask? The answer: podcasts & audible books. I’m not particularly fond of Audible books because I am old-school; I like to doggy-ear the pages, highlight, and take notes. My books typically look used by the time I’m through them. However, I’ve gotten in the habit of listening to podcasts when I drive. I’ll usually listen to some feel-good music as I’m getting closer to home, but I can knock out a half-dozen podcast episodes in a day. But not just any podcast episodes; I like those that challenge my thinking, help me open my mind and heart in some way, and nurture the evolution of my very being.
As an entrepreneur, there’s a lot of noise out there. It can be challenging to discern who to listen to and what advice to take. First and foremost, there is no better advice in this world than that which we receive from our very own heart. That aside, I heard something recently on a podcast where the entrepreneur-host stated this: how you do one thing is how you do everything.
I wanted to share that statement with you because I haven’t stopped thinking about it. Perhaps it will have you reflecting on the daily actions you take in your life, too. How you do one thing is how you do everything.
If we apply this to grief and all the ways we’ve learned to deal (or rather, not deal) with our emotional pain than knowing what I know about grief and the myths the overall majority of us learn, then it’s safe to say that we don’t deal very well with emotional suffering of any kind. That includes the roller-coaster of life we all ride in our marriages, in parenting, in our friendships, careers, etc..
Do you find yourself avoiding hard conversations? Do you tend to sleep in in the morning rather than get up, put on some tennis shoes and hit the gym or get out in nature for a walk? Have you given up on something important to you? Do you often feel bad about yourself?
I’ll be honest – the statement hit me hard. I’ve been struggling with tending to my physical body for the past couple of months. I’ve also not been doing the things that help me feel at peace at the start of my day. And, it got me thinking about how neglecting the things I believe are essential to my well-being translates to other areas of my life.
If I’m not taking care of me, what else am I not taking care of in my life? Where is my energy directed that leaves me with the feeling something is out of balance? When I get hyper-focused, I tend to zone out to the world around me, and I often neglect my well-being in the process. How can we regain balance again? We do this by addressing all facets of our lives and taking even small actions and setting even small goals each day. Like I said in this Instagram post, ya gotta decide. So, what’s stopping me? Well, the same person that’s stopping you. I am stopping me. You are stopping you.
Grief Hardens Our Hearts
Reflecting on my life through grief recovery has connected so many dots for me. Grief steals so much more that goes beyond the initial loss (whether it’s a loved one, loss of trust/career/home, divorce, abuse (physical/emotional). And, grief experiences stacked on top of one another hardens our hearts over time. So, it makes total sense to me that how we grieve is how we live.
I’ve come a long way in my grief. I am more proud of the person I am today than I was before grief recovery because it’s begun to soften my heart. Also, for the first time, I feel a sense of self-worth and confidence that has changed me in other ways, too. I am bolder than ever and am not afraid to share what’s on my heart, including my struggles. And, right now, I struggle to find what feels good for me physically and then just doing it. I’ve heard it said that if you wait until your motivated to exercise, you’ll be waiting forever. Ain’t that the truth?! I guess it comes down to deciding then doing. And, for whatever reason, everything else but exercise has come to me more quickly – as far as making a decision and then doing.
A Few Q’s to Explore
- How does the statement: how you do one thing is how you do everything resonate with you?
- What is the first thing that pops into your mind?
- In what areas of life do you feel you’re not meeting your potential, and how do you think that translates to other areas of your life?
Have a wonderful weekend! Go create some adventure; even if it’s in your backyard! Great advice for me – and you! Like I heard in a recent podcast interview where the guy dares you to go climb a tree! Even if you think you’re too old or too whatever – try it! I dare you to go play!
