Ep 110 | Mothering Yourself Through Grief

Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections | 0 comments

Takeaways & Reflections | Mothering Yourself Through Grief

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY: 

This week’s episode is an invitation to look at how you had been mothered and nurtured by your mother (or mother figure) as a child and how that has influenced you today.

I also bring Mother Nature into the conversation because what Mother Nature gives us is a great analogy, in general, for the topic of experiencing mothering and nurturing.

When was the last time you gave yourself, as an adult, what you never received as a child?

This conversation is less about self-care and more about something deeper – an experience of loving unconditionally and receiving wholeheartedly, so much so that it is transformative.

A mother’s love, or motherly love, has the potential to be transformative. Listen to this week’s episode, and then sit with what comes up for you. Then contemplate how you can utilize mothering and nurturing energy to transform your life and the inner child in you that craves it.

RESOURCES:

• Ep. 106 Elizabeth Catignani
• Ep. 107 Michele Neff Hernandez
• Ep. 108 Rachael Burns
• Ep. 109 Maha Bodhi

______

NEED HELP?

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
• Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor

If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.

💛 Would you like to Learn Your Energy Type? Free Quiz ➡️ HERE! ⬅️

SUPPORT THE SHOW:

• Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts
• Purchase my published book about my grief journey.

CONNECT WITH VICTORIA: 

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• Website
• LinkedIn
• Facebook

This is episode 110 A takeaways and reflections episode that I’m gonna title mothering yourself through grief. And it’s been a hot minute since I’ve actually recorded a takeaways and reflections episode. This is actually the first of season three. And if you’ve been wondering where these takeaways and reflection episodes have been, it’s my schedule. It’s a little bit crazy in my life right now with three teenagers and appointments and works in all sorts of things. And so I’ve been trying to find a way to make it a little easier on myself because in order for me to record this, I have to have peace and quiet. And also I need to be in a mindset of peace within myself. And that’s a little hard to find these days with the hustle and bustle of my home. And you know just the busyness of life with summer and things like that. So that’s what’s been shaken here in my neck of the woods. In case you missed the last several episodes since my last takeaways and reflections, I’ll just give a quick recap. Episode 106 with Elizabeth was titled “My Shattered Heart; Experiencing Stillbirth and being a Widow at 27. Episode 107 with Michelle Hernandez and hers was titled “The Soaring Spirit of Widow and Fatherless Daughter” and episode 108 with Rachel burns “The Space in Between”. And Episode 109, which was last week’s with Maha Bodhi and I don’t recall what the title is of that, oh, “The Quest for Inner Peace and Freedom. That’s what it was.

Reflecting on Mothering

And all of these stories had me reflecting on mothering. As I’ve thought about what each of these women had in common, and I think what any female or any woman who experiences loss and grief. And you know, even men, truthfully, even men, because we all want that feeling of being mothered, nurtured, cared for, loved. And a mother brings a unique gift to that experience. Now, not all people I don’t necessarily believe not all people have that innate ability to nurture. But I think we are all capable of learning how to be nurturing. And so when I’m thinking about these four women, and what they individually experienced in their lives, three of them are mothers, one is not, but all had a mother or have a mother. And we’re on the receiving end of someone being their mother. And I don’t even believe too that you have to biologically be the parent or mother of a child or someone else. It can be something that comes out of you or out of your spirits like this mothering spirit you have about yourself.

Mother Nature

You know like Mother Nature, we call her mother nature. We don’t call her father nature. We refer to nature as Mother Nature, the giver of all things beautiful. And the sights and the smells, and the sounds that nurture our spirit, when we are out in her environment, and taking her in, breathing her in, it’s nurturing, and mothering, to our spirit, to be out in mother nature, right? And so if we think about that, and how we go through grief, and how impactful the lack of mothering we may have received as children. Nature as an adult can be very nurturing the neighbor next door, who is a grandmother to other children, or who is a mother herself, to her own children can be that nurturing mothering figure in your life, can often see that in like foster homes or group homes, or some may call them a mentor. But to a child, that person might be more than a mentor, they might be the only mother figure that they have in their lives, which is so important to receive that nurturing in that loving for our spirit.

It’s Even More Deeply than just Self-care

But what if you didn’t have that experience as a child, like Maha, you have to learn how to give that to yourself? And that was a long journey for her to learn how to mother herself, give her the nurturing in the space in the comfort in this in the holding of her own heart. Now with Rachel and Michelle and Elizabeth, we really didn’t get into a whole lot of discussion about their experiences as children being mothered, because the stories were about they themselves as mothers through their grief. But you will listen and receive a lot of wonderful wisdom about how these women navigated the grief while being a mother while trying to nurture and Mother themselves while trying to also nurture and mother, children at the same time, who they themselves may also be grieving. I just think it’s so important that we really truly think about what it means to us, to be mothered. What we need to feel nurtured, and what our soul and our spirit need to feel held.

And so often in grief, we look to other people, or we look to others, we look to substances, or we look for that. Everywhere else but within ourselves. It’s about self-care. Yes. And I know that’s what comes to my mind is you think about self-care. But I just want to challenge you to think about it even more deeply than just self-care. Think about what was emulated for you by your mother about self-care. How were you nurtured? What did you learn about nurturing? Do you find that you are the nurturer as an adult but you didn’t receive that as a child but yet you probably give from an empty cup. You’re always giving, giving, giving, giving, giving. It’s very difficult for you to receive you don’t know how to ask for help. It’s often a familiar pattern is people pleasing. For those who have not received that as a child. You don’t want to rock the boat you don’t want to make and you know the other person upset will just use your mother, for instance, you don’t want to make her upset. And so you people, please. You do everything you can to make her happy. Meanwhile, you’re self-sacrificing. You’re not allowing yourself to be nurtured. You’re not asking for your needs to be met. And often that happens when the mother is grieving.

What We Learn from Our Mothers is so Impactful as Adults

Or there are other issues going on, that have nothing absolutely to do with you as a child, or when you were a child. But these patterns repeat into adulthood, and what we learn from our mothers is so impactful as adults. And so I just want you to think about as you’re experiencing grief, or maybe you know, someone who is grieving, what is mothering, nurturing thing that you can do for that person or for yourself? Think of yourself as that inner child. What would you so love your mother to do for you? If she was there? If she was able if she would have been there for you as a child, what would you have wanted her to do? And similarly, if you know someone who is grieving if you are their mother, what would you do? What is something you could do to make that person feel nurtured, loved, and cared for as a mother would?

Mothering ourselves it is the best gift that we can give ourselves while we are grieving, and otherwise, and so many of us have to learn what that even looks like. And often it’s in adulthood. And that’s a very challenging time, especially when you’re trying to be a mother. Because children bring up all of those insecurities and all of those unaddressed pain points from your childhood experience with your own mother. They often arise when you yourself, become a mother.

P.S. So I just invite you to sit with whatever comes up. And ask yourself what you can do for yourself. What you would like to change, what pattern you would like to break and not repeat and pass on to your children or the child you are mentoring or the child that you want to help in foster care? Whatever role of a mother you are playing in your life, it is the best gift you can give others is to look into yourself. I think that about does it for today for this takeaways and reflections episode. I hope it was inspiring. I hope it was helpful. 

Ep 105 | Leaning Into Trust While Having a Broken Heart

Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections | 0 comments

Takeaways & Reflections | Leaning Into Trust While Having a Broken Heart

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

When you’re pulled between the feelings of what you wish would be different, better, or more, and faced with a moment where a decision has to be made, it can be challenging to cut through all of the emotion and lean into trust.

In this week’s Takeaways & Reflections episode, I use Kasey and Michelle’s stories to illustrate the challenges we can have with trust, not only in our own inner guidance but also that there potentially is something better waiting for us on the other side of leaning into trust.

Could you use a little more trust, and maybe surrendering, in your life? I hope you go back and listen to Kasey and Michelle’s inspiring stories of trusting themselves; what they know to be right and true in the present moment, because that’s all we’re all really guaranteed, anyway.

RESOURCES:

• Ep 103 Kasey Carmona 
• Ep 104 Michelle Marsh
• Do Grief Differently™️

______

NEED HELP?

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
• Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor

If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.

💛 Would you like to Learn Your Energy Type? Free Quiz ➡️ HERE! ⬅️

SUPPORT THE SHOW:

• Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts
• Purchase my published book about my grief journey.

CONNECT WITH VICTORIA: 

• Instagram
• Website
• LinkedIn
• Facebook

Grieving Voices Second Anniversary & Milestone Celebration 10,000 Downloads

Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. You may have noticed that there were two episodes rather than the one followed by a takeaways and reflections episode. Before I get into this week’s episode, however, I want to share why that is. I’m excited to share that I’ve reached two milestones with grieving voices. First, I reached 10,000 downloads. And there may be people listening who are familiar with the analytics of podcasts, so this may not sound very awesome considering there are many podcasts that reached 10,000 downloads within the first six months of their podcast existence. However, some factors influence the downloads, including the host’s audience size before the podcast was started, marketing tactics, and of course, the topic had a slow and steady organic growth of grieving voices. And I secretly hoped to hit 10,000. Before the podcast’s second anniversary, grieving voices celebrated two years of consistent weekly content to initiate a different kind of conversation about grief, where society begins to talk about grief. Like we talk about the weather. Reaching these milestones is the reason for shifting the episodes.

And I wanted to have the second-anniversary episode, and the last one of season two be a takeaways and reflections episode. So here we are. Thank you to you, the listener for sticking with me the past two years, or for sticking around if you’ve only recently discovered this podcast. I appreciate every share podcast review or comment that hits my inbox sharing how the podcast has helped or that the guest story resonated. From day one, this podcast has been a labor of love. I do hope and plan to monetize this fourth child of mine because it really is a fourth child. Because anyone who podcast knows that it’s not only an investment of time and resources but also money. I believe this is why so many podcasts don’t make it much beyond the one-year mark. Next week, season three will begin with an episode where my guest Elizabeth shares her experience of delivering a child stillborn and eight months later becoming a military spouse widow. If you don’t want to miss that episode, and more incredible stories of grief and triumph coming ahead, subscribe to get notified of new episodes every Tuesday morning.

A Tear-Jerker Episode with Kasey Carmona

Now, on to this week’s episode, Episode 104 with Kasey Carmona was a tear-jerker. I was crying while hearing her story and cried again while editing. I don’t heavily edit my episodes, it’s always a priority that the guest story is honored in its entirety. And Kasey shared deeply touched me. I am a mother of three teenagers. And any mother can tell you that you just hope and pray that you see your children to adulthood and that they outlive you too. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. With spouse loss you’re called a widow or widower it’s just not natural to bury a child. And the other thing that doesn’t follow an order is grief. Grief isn’t linear. Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s son Ken Ross and I discussed his mother’s work regarding the five stages of grief and an episode I’ll link to in the show notes.

Ripples of Losses with Michelle’s Episode

But as my friend Michelle shared in last week’s episode that COVID was the domino that fell that led to ripples of other losses. Her grandfather died during COVID And at that time, Australia was under strict restrictions, regardless of the fact that they had zero cases. Due to these restrictions, the way her family could grieve was deeply impacted. They couldn’t come together for a ceremony and celebration of life or at the burial. her grandfather’s death aside the dream Michelle had been diligently working toward was great getting derailed restrictions and all of the unknowns that Michelle and the rest of the world were forced to confront, had many having to choose to pivot give up or give in. And for many people, COVID is still causing this in so many people’s lives. We never know the moment when something doesn’t work out that something better is around the corner. We’ve all had to build our patient’s muscles throughout COVID. And Casey two had to learn patience. Furthermore, she had to learn how to trust not only those in charge of her beautiful precious son’s care but also trust in her instincts and intuition as his mother.

How many of you listening to this right now can put yourself in the shoes of Kasey or Michelle had to reconcile in her heart, what she knows the best for her son, and fight with what she wished would have been different, better, or more. She and her husband chose to take their son home, knowing they were taking him home to die, only to find that that is when he lived and they loved as a family altogether. In his final days of life, Michelle had to surrender to what she could not change and accept what she wished was different, better, or more. That was beyond her control. She only had control over how she responded to the circumstances. Michelle followed the inspired idea to make the most of the situation and show up anyway, for her grandfather. The safest way she knew how. And to her surprise, other family members follow their heart’s lead and showed up when she felt her dreams and goals were squashed. She embraced the time with her children and her husband, she pivoted using the time to devote to learning and giving back to her community. And deepening her understanding of all that she had been learning before COVID Hit COVID revealed a truth she and anyone couldn’t ignore we lose.

Trust & Control

Whenever we try to control everything. We create unnecessary suffering for ourselves and waste precious time and energy. We spin our wheels and we get nowhere. If we devoted our energy to trust rather than control, imagine how much more peace we would experience in our bodies. Say each word out loud. Trust, control. Even the word TRUST feels more comforting. There’s an ease and flow to it. We may even think of the word control, as in a control group in a scientific experiment where the group is separated from the rest. So the independent variable being tested cannot influence the results. However, we all know that when we attempt to control situations circumstances were others. The actions we take in an attempt to control always influence the environment and people around us. We are seemingly the mice within our own control experiments. And we fail the test miserably.

As you progress through your week, think about what aspects of your life you are attempting to control. I certainly have my moments where I struggle with trying to control situations, circumstances, or outcomes. However, I tend to struggle more with being in reaction mode. And that’s my clue. I’m not living with intention. There are three mantras I’ve been saying on my morning walks and feel free to steal these or tweak them. So they resonate for you. I am supported. I trust that everything happens for my highest good ease and flow are my way of being. I wish you days of leaning into trust packing away the fear and unknowns and leaning into the present moment with love. Love always trusts a reminder for you. And me too.

P.S I hope you tune in next week for Elizabeth’s episode and many more to come. Thank you to those who have been guests and we’ll be guests in the future. Thank you for celebrating my two-year anniversary and 10,000 downloads. I appreciate and love you so much.

Ep 100 | Self-Love Through Grief

Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections | 0 comments

Takeaways & Reflections | Self-Love Through Grief

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY: 

When you’re in a place of self-loathing, self-love likely won’t come naturally and will be challenging to prioritize and do. However, when grieving, self-love must be a non-negotiable aspect of grieving to grieve well.

In this week’s episode, I cover the eight dimensions of wellness courtesy of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMH), which collectively address our whole well-being. These aren’t areas that need to be addressed all at the same time. However, small shifts can equal significant gains by integrating even small changes into your life. And, over time, these small shifts will be cumulative (just as grief is cumulative) and progressively move you in a positive direction and create momentum that way.

Grief impacts every area and aspect of our lives; our ability to make money, physical health, regulate emotionally, spirituality, intellectual capacities, social interactions, home, and work environments, and how we view and function in our occupations. It behooves us to look at these areas more closely and see what small steps we can take to improve the situation and, in turn, our lives.

By taking steps to shift our lives in these eight areas, we are demonstrating the best kind of love we can give ourselves during grief experiences and other challenging times – love of self. Because when we make ourselves (and these aspects of ourselves) a priority, everyone wins.

RESOURCES:

• Ep 98 | Amy Medcalf
• Ep 99 | Wayne Forrest
• Ep 75 | Grief Shared is Grief Diminished
• Steve Hartman Stories
• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)
• Credit Karma
• Do Grief Differently™️

______

NEED HELP?

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
• Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor

If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief, free resources are available HERE.

Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.

💛 Would you like to Learn Your Energy Type? Free Quiz ➡️ HERE! ⬅️

SUPPORT THE SHOW:

• Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts
• Purchase my published book about my grief journey.

CONNECT WITH VICTORIA: 

• Instagram
• Website
• LinkedIn
• Facebook

Grieving Voices 100th Episode

Today is a very special episode because this is my 100th episode. And that’s not including the trailer. Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with me if you’ve been listening for a while. And if you’re new to the podcast, I hope you stick around. I just had in the last week, I think seven or eight applications beyond March 2023. I can go into June, y’all. I mean, this has been the most fun experience. I’m so glad I started this podcast. I’ve connected with so many people, amazing people with sometimes heart-wrenching stories, oftentimes heart-wrenching stories, but also stories of underdogs who have somehow picked themselves up and made a choice in a decision to forge ahead. Onward and upward. I’ve always loved underdog stories. I’m you know Steve Hartman. Have you ever listened and listened to this you have caused me so many tears over the years, his stories just seem to like pull at my heartstrings. And so to the stories of my guests, and so 100 episodes, thank you, thank you to the guests. Thank you to your listeners. And I am more driven to continue with this podcast than I’ve ever been. If I could do two episodes a week, which I know I easily would have the content to do so. And the guest to do so. I would but at this time in my life, that’s not an option for me. Perhaps someday it would be or perhaps if I monetize or get this podcast, monetized, that may be an option. But for now, that is not the case. So anyway, 100 episodes, thank you for being here. It’s been a journey. And if you’re a podcaster out there listening to this, you know how difficult and how challenging it can be to get to 100 episodes, it takes conviction, it takes consistency.

And for most of us who are doing this out of a labor of love, it really just takes devotion and love. And every week I pour my love into this. I call it a project that really is a project of my life. And I’m very much enjoying this really I do truly enjoy this podcast. Otherwise, we won’t be here. 100 episodes and right. This is an extra special episode because it is also my son’s 17th birthday. His name is Xavier and my only son. I do have two daughters as well younger than him but he is my only son. And it’s a very special birthday because there was an episode A while back and I can put it in the show notes where I shared how things were pretty scary there for a while for us and our son because he had had an accident, weightlifting and we’re just so very grateful and thankful and blessed that the things that happened happen the way they did and he’s still here with us and we can celebrate his birthday and really, truly celebrate his life and just even picking out his card in the aisle of the card aisle, I was moved to tears because knowing that there was that possibility that we may not have been celebrating his birthday. And so if you are a parent, squeeze those little ones are the big ones, like my husband tells our kids, even when you’re 50 years old, you still want a hug from you. So you’re just never too old for hugs. That’s how what my husband says. But I digress. This is a celebratory episode. And I think a perfect theme as well is that and I didn’t plan this.

And so this is why it’s a little different to this week is there’s actually two episodes back to back with guests, which is what I used to do. And then I just felt like each episode needed its own takeaways and reflections because there are often very different topics and things that are shared and talked about that I’d like to dive deeper into. And I was just finding it was really difficult to do that between two episodes into one. So I switched up the format. And now I do a guest episode followed by takeaways. But if I had done that, then as takeaways episode wouldn’t have been the 100 and the 100th. And I wanted it to be the 100th episode. So I did switch it up this time, because it’s my podcast, and I can do that. But I didn’t plan this.

Takeaways from Episode 98 Amy Metcalf and Episode 99 Wayne Forrest

And what I didn’t plan was that both Amy Metcalf from Episode 98 Don’t abandon me shared the same sentiments as Wayne Forrest from Episode 99. That is what their grief taught them. And both of them said, my grief taught me to love myself. Now, I can probably say the same thing to be honest, because I first really worked through my grief within the last three years. It’s still very fresh in my memory, how I was feeling before I addressed my grief. And I am daily reminded of how different I feel today than I did more than three years ago, I really do think that when we’re deep in grief and fear feeling sorrowful, and incomplete emotionally, with relationships in our lives, whether the person is dead or alive, there isn’t room for love for ourselves. There isn’t room for that love. And for many children growing up in homes of chaos grief and trauma and just a lot of disruption and negativity and lack and victim mindset and all of those things. There isn’t room for self-love in those environments either. And so what I’m really finding is that most people, and I could probably dig up a lot of the notes that I’ve taken for the guests over the past over. Well, June will be oh my gosh, yeah, next month will be two years I’ve been doing this podcast, and I can guarantee you most people have shared that loving themselves was a challenge. They just didn’t know how but when you neglect yourself and you’re just kind of living, not really thriving. And you one day realize that that’s not what you want for the rest of your life. It really does take radical self-love to climb yourself out of that pit and think about self-love and what I wanted to share in this episode today.

It goes deeper than just taking bubble baths or a walk in nature or even just taking time for yourself. It’s more than that. It’s so much deeper than that. And you know, when you’re in a place of self-loathing, self-love can be really challenging. It can be overwhelming to you even the thought of what that even looks like and when you feel like you’re just your life is kind of going off the rails where do you even begin? And so I really wanted to provide some tangible things that you can do and look at in your life when it comes to self-love. And these are things that I found myself doing over time. And not all at once. And so when I was thinking about what I wanted to share about self-love, what came to mind were was The eight dimensions of wellness essentially called The Wheel of Life, The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, or SAMHSA for short, have a wellness initiative that pledges to promote wellness for those with behavioral health conditions by motivating individuals, organizations and communities to take action, and work toward improved quality of life, heart health and increased years of life. Now, when I read that promoting wellness, for those with behavioral health conditions embodies a whole lot of things. But I would say that grief really falls into that because grief impacts our behaviors, grief impacts our health, and it actually impacts all of these eight dimensions of wellness, that SAMHSA talks about. And so I really want to dive into each of these ones by one, because I think they’re important. And I truly believe that this information is a good starting point for someone who doesn’t know where to start. And so when we focus on the certain areas and then focus even further on each of those are something that we can do today, what we feel is aligned with who we are in each of these different dimensions, we can start to see progress and we can start to climb out of that pit. Let’s dive in. And the first one I’m going to tackle is not well actually I’m gonna list them all first.

The Eight Dimensions of Wellness or The Wheel of Life

• Emotional Wellness– it’s the ability to cope effectively with life and create satisfying relationships. Emotional wellness, involves being able to cope effectively with the difficulties of life, grief included and being emotionally aware, and having healthy relationships with yourself and others. And people with healthy emotional wellness are confident, have control over their feelings and behavior, and have good coping mechanisms for dealing with difficult situations, such as grief, and also building resiliency allows us to overcome the hurdles in life. Again, grief included, and so emotional wellness includes having healthy relationships, being able to ask for help, and being resilient, which is a word that kind of rubs me the wrong way a little bit because we don’t choose resiliency, I think resiliency is something we become being aware of your feelings, expressing your feelings to people you trust, seeking support with upsetting emotions, learning your strengths, working on things you want to improve the ability to express a wide range of emotion, emotions, such as happiness, sadness, anger, joy, fear, frustration, gratitude, and developing assertiveness and having a positive self-image. Now, I will say that the Grief Recovery method for me personally addressed all of these, every single one of these things that I mentioned, helped me to understand myself better and ultimately, really gain emotional control of the emotional disturbances in my life, I became more emotionally. What’s the word aware? I suppose in a lot of ways, yes. I just feel like my personal experience. I just didn’t understand the highs and the lows. And I think sometimes too, we can mistake these highs and these lows, especially the lows for depression when really, it’s grief. It’s grief that’s been unaddressed and it’s cumulative. And it’s years and years of grief that’s just been swept under the rug. And so I think for a lot of people that can appear like depression, and we can have bouts of depression. I’m not dismissing that and there’s also clinical depression too. However, I think that if we nip it in the bud, you If we can catch those symptoms early, the earlier the better, of course, but I will say that it’s never too late either.

• Spiritual Wellness – And it’s about having a sense of purpose and meaning in life that revolves around your personal beliefs and values. spiritual health can involve a connection with nature, self-reflection, meditation, prayer, and being spiritual, healthy means you have strong values, a feeling of inner peace, and meaning in life. spiritual wellness includes making time for activities that enhance your sense of connection to yourself, nature, and others. And one thing I’ll say about making time for activities that enhance your connection to yourself in grief, we are often so disconnected, that we become disconnected from ourselves. And we also become disconnected from others because of that disconnection from ourselves. And so spirituality can really be a gateway into moving through your grief. And that was actually my personal experience. Having a relationship, healthy relationship with nature, discovering your values, principles, and beliefs. I mentioned that being part of a like-minded community, helping those who are in need, accepting others for who they are having a greater purpose, exploring your personal values, searching for meaning for your life, and being aware of how your values may differ from others, religious or otherwise spiritual activities and practices, taking time for yourself and embracing silence and solitude. And it’s really difficult in grief, to embrace the silence and the solitude sometimes, because often when we are alone with our thoughts and our feelings, it can be very overwhelming and very uncomfortable. And so that’s why we often well, deep in grief, or any other strong emotion, that is deemed as negative, and I’ll put that in air quotes because even anger is a valid emotion, we try to numb out or dismiss or kind of forget that we’re having those feelings and so we distract ourselves

• Intellectual Wellness – which is about exercising the mind, learning new things, and expanding upon one’s knowledge and skills, being intellectually healthy can help you with mental growth, which helps with your concentration, memory, and critical thinking skills. And anyone who is grieving can tell you, that those things pretty much go out the window. So this is not something that you’re going to tackle. Everyone’s timeline is different, right? But this is not something that you’ll likely tackle. In the first few years even after a loss, a devastating loss, or a grief experience. I think this is something that naturally will develop over time, and likely, when you first start to honestly I think there’s sometimes people a lot of griever say, it’s like, you wake up one day, and you just feel like the sun has come out. And you might have some of those here and there. But when you can wake up and you feel like the sun is truly out, you’ve kind of gotten to the lighter, the lighter side where things don’t feel as heavy, where you can talk about what happened, or about the person or the loss and it’s not debilitating you it doesn’t take you back to the pain of the experience of the pain of the relationship. And that really is the difference that you know when you’re starting to heal is you can talk about it not like it’s a recipe card. That’s really dismissive that’s an I get a sense of dismissing when I hear people talk about things like it’s a recipe, it really is, sharing the story, but connecting with the feeling of it. Yeah, I felt like that at that time. But you know what, I’m feeling really good. I feel healthy in all kinds of ways. If you’re articulating it differently than how you used to, then you know, you’re making real progress in that intellectual wellness area. And so intellectual wellness includes using your creative abilities, exercising critical thinking skills, being a lifetime learner, and engaging in books, articles, or other content that interests you. Exploring public or community events, focusing on your skills and learning new ones, being able to develop analyze problem-solving more, and challenging yourself mentally with games, puzzles, or even learning a new instrument can be one of those, and also having a positive self-image which often in grief goes out the window, you feel like a hot mess, you probably look like one too, and your confidence is just kind of down the toilet. Again. I just I mentioned that because grief just takes over every aspect of our lives, including our self-image.

• Physical Wellness – which involves eating a healthy diet getting enough sleep during your regular physical activity, and preventing and managing illness and health conditions not being physically healthy can lead to numerous health problems and diseases. We all know this and developing a healthy lifestyle and making healthy choices will improve your overall wellness. Obviously healthy behaviors that we all know are getting regular exercise, feeling comfortable with your body, seeing your doctor regularly, keeping your blood pressure at the optimal level, eating healthy food, and being aware of how sleep and stress affect you. That’s including grief, making your own choice about your physical health, stress reduction, developing healthy habits, seeking medical care when appropriate, being responsible with alcohol, cigarettes, and other substances, taking any medications prescribed by your doctor, and understanding how your body works. And again, like in grief, you probably will need a lot more sleep than you used to. Because grief is exhausting. It’s taxing on the body, both mind and spirit in all of these areas, it’s taxing on the body. So it’s giving yourself that grace, which is self-love. Accept where you are that day. And it is often day by day, one day you might feel like going to a yoga class, and then the next you might feel like just taking a nap both are okay, like that you don’t need anyone’s permission to take a nap. I personally don’t nap I never have. But I have noticed because I know when I’m paying attention to my body. Now when I’m pushing, pushing, pushing, and I can forget when enough is enough I can I have actually taken a nap in the past three months, there was one day where I just succumbed to the nap, which I never do. But when you become more in tune with your body and how your body operates and what it needs, honor that, listen to that intuition, and give that to your body that is self-love. And you know, often with caregivers and caretakers, this is a really difficult hurdle, because where is the time? Where do you take the time for yourself? And then when you do get that time, which is maybe not a lot? How do you want to spend it? Do you want to spend it exercising? Most people may not. But you can actually combine several of these things. If you go walk by the river, you’re out in nature, you’re that’s feeding your spiritual body if you’re listening to a podcast that inspires and uplifts you, or teaches you something new that’s working your intellectual health, and you’re working your physical health by walking. So you can actually tackle many of these areas at one time just by thinking a little bit creatively about what will serve you the most if you do have just a little bit of time.

• Environmental Wellness– which refers to being in a nurturing and healthy environment, as well as having awareness and respect for the environment around us the environment around you can greatly impact how you feel, I always say quite often, actually, that we are products of our environment as children. And it really truly is important as adults to recognize how those environments have impacted us have formed the beliefs that we have. And by challenging those beliefs, you find your truth by creating an environment as an adult, that is one of support that feels good to be in is going to serve you greatly when the challenges do come. And when grief does enter the room because it will it just it will. It’s inevitable. And so the environment around you can greatly impact how you feel. For example, people who live in countries that have a lot of rain and cloudy days might suffer from seasonal depression, which affects their emotional health and social health, spiritual health possibly even more. I live in North Dakota, which is what do we have like? It starts snowing in October, and November, often we’ve had snow for Halloween so and it’s usually pretty cold. But the clouds start to settle in November for sure. Usually, and it doesn’t end until probably April. So almost half the year we are in bitter cold temps, cloudy days and it is stuck indoors. I mean, you’re not stuck indoors. I mean you can go outside and we do have some sunny days in the winter. But it’s not uncommon for people in this area to have vitamin D deficiency. You know, people in the northern hemisphere often have vitamin D deficiency. And what I’ve learned is that vitamin D deficiency is actually linked to pancreatic cancer and people of European descent do have higher rates of pancreatic cancer. And they found that it’s linked to vitamin D deficiency. So it’s very important to think about your environment and where you live and how it is impacting your health and well-being. I personally cannot wait until I am a snowbird when my kids are all gone, and we can go south somewhere warmer for the winter. That is definitely my goal in my life. So environmental wellness includes making sure your home is decluttered spending time outside, maybe if it includes using eco-friendly products or recycling, if that’s in your area, having a peaceful home environment, involvement in the community, and being aware of how you might contribute to pollution. For some people, that’s a huge factor or a deep concern for environmental awareness, and being aware of climate change and how human beings impact the environment.

• Financial Wellness – refers to being financially literate in charge of your finances and responsible with your money, struggling with finances, and having an unsettled financial situation is a problem that can cause a lot of stress to you in the family grief. I mean, how often do losses occur and the person didn’t have the financial means to even pay for their own funeral or didn’t have life insurance. These are things that impact everybody. Because if you don’t have that nest egg or that life insurance to cover your expenses someone’s paying for that really, I mean in grief impacts our financial situation anyway, because if you’re a caregiver, you got medical bills, terminal illness, like all of that is a huge stressor for people sometimes, because grief impacts our productivity in our work, many places only offer like, say a week of vacation time that you can take when someone dies, let’s say it was your spouse and your spouse was the breadwinner, but you did work. And so you have to, you’re almost expected to return back to work and be as productive as you were before the loss occurred. And that’s just not realistic. And so I think companies need to be more supportive and aware of grief and loss, and the impact that it has on their employees and on the company as a whole. Because globally, grief impacts our economy by the billions of dollars. And so this is an important issue not just for the individual and their family, but also the community and when in where they work in the business that they are in, in the business itself and the businesses that those businesses are in business with this trickles down. So maintaining a budget and monitoring your spending, seeking out professional financial help if needed, exploring ways to save money, being financially responsible paying bills on time reviewing credit reports and bank statements being financially literate, as I mentioned, are things that probably won’t be happening right out of the gate, especially when a loss occurs. But you can prepare for challenges in life by doing these things today, I use Credit Karma. It’s free. It’s an app that helps you keep track of your credit score, it alerts you to things that might not be of your doing, you can kind of pinpoint well if a credit card was opened, and I know I didn’t open it, I can see that, you know, my credit card, credit score, dip, suddenly, that’s something to look into. And so it’s an easy way to track your financial health, as your credit health. So that’s one thing I use the auto deduction for savings, you can set up an auto deduct to put a certain amount even if it’s just 25 bucks a pay period to put into a little nest egg. There are all sorts of tips. I mean, you can probably Google financial tips, and you’ll find dozens and dozens of them. But it can be really difficult in grief to get a handle on this area of your life. But it’s really important because it does add stress.

• Occupational Wellness – involves having a fulfilling and enriching occupation, whether that be professional work or academic and a common cause of stress for many Americans and grief is that their jobs and the demands that come with them or that they’re in the wrong occupation altogether. Having a work-life balance is extremely important to overall health and wellness. So achieving this by having a job that you enjoy and are passionate about is very important. And it’s also important to have a positive work environment and be surrounded by people who support you and your goals. So taking personal satisfaction in your occupation, work-life balance, learning to communicate effectively with other people developing good work habits, exploring career opportunities, or volunteer opportunities that you’re passionate about setting career goals, learning mistakes, and moving forward, challenging societal expectations and fighting against barriers, especially, for example, barriers for women in the workplace, that can be a huge area of grief for a lot of women. I’ve recently had a couple of conversations with women whose podcast episodes won’t be airing for a while. But this was a topic of discussion. And especially if you’re a woman of color, which one of my guesses was and so it’s another facet of grief that is often not talked about but can have a huge impact on our lives. And when we’ve gone through a devastating loss or grief experience, we often are faced with our own mortality. And so we ask ourselves those questions like what do I want to be doing with my life? How do I want to spend the rest of my days on this earth and so often, we start questioning what we are doing with our lives, it is self-love to pursue, what that can look like for you to pursue what alignment looks like for you, I could do a whole episode just on alignment, I feel so aligned, sitting here recording this podcast right now. It feels good. It feels like it’s serving my soul and my spirit, it’s fulfilling to me, I feel like I’m giving something that can help people, and can have an impact and a positive impact. And I know that oftentimes, my episodes probably shake something up within the listener. And that’s good, too, because it opens you up to asking those deeper, bigger questions. And it’s in asking the questions that we discover deeper answers. And once you have an answer to something, once you know something, you can’t unknow it. And when that’s about yourself, the only thing left to do is to take action.

• Social Wellness – And that involves having a strong support network feeling connected to other people and having a sense of belonging, feeling isolated, lonely, or disconnected from others can lead to negative physical and mental health outcomes. This is where grief can be very isolating, and we don’t heal on an island. A lot of these that I’ve talked about already involve other people, we can’t do grief alone, you can but you’re not going to be very successful at overcoming the challenges that come with it, it’s going to be harder, longer, more challenging road and path for you. And so by addressing and looking at these various areas of wellness, little by little you can impact your own life and make these little changes, healthy relationships we make with family and friends are essential to our well-being. And so some of these things that you can do might include taking part in a club or a social group or volunteer group focus on maintaining social connections by keeping in touch and staying connected with others, being able to interact with a diverse group of people being aware of your impact in your community, understanding sex and gender roles and stereotypes surrounding them. Being able to draw boundaries with yourself and others having a strong support network of family, friends, coworkers, and peers, developing positive relationships, having good communication skills, and being able to reach out to others for support and ask for help when needed.  And often in grief. When you’re looking for that person, to be your person, your heart with yours, it can be really difficult to have that be family or even sometimes close friends. It depends on the relationship, of course. But one of the things we talk about in Grief Recovery is typically that person that can be your heart with yours is someone that doesn’t have any skin in your game, someone that’s not going to be impacted by what you have to share. Because if you can’t share openly with that person, then they might not be the best person to share your grief with and so that’s if you can’t be open and honest about what you’re feeling and experiencing completely, even if that does involve that person that’s where it might be helpful to have almost like an outsider. And that is where therapy or seeking support in a different fashion is beneficial for people because those people don’t know you from Adam and have no skin in your game. They’ve got nothing to lose. And that’s what they’re trained to do is to be a heart with yours like myself.

Those are the eight dimensions of wellness, also known as the wheel of life, when I think when you don’t know what to do, and you don’t know where to start, this gives you exactly what to look at in your life, the areas of life that may be causing some more additional grief for you, and seeing how you can turn that around seeing where you can focus even just a little bit on each of those areas, and start seeing that the change that you want to see and happening in your life. I think it’s really important that we think about self-love and not just the things that are often mentioned like the bubble bath and self-care type of things. This is like self-love, to me really is about embodying the best aspects of yourself and outwardly expressing that but also nurturing that from the inside out. And so it really is inside job self-love is an inside job. And I had a lot of issues with self-loathing, I am my own worst critic, this did not come naturally to me, there are still areas that I have challenges within these different dimensions of wellness, that is life. And everything that comes up that rubs us the wrong way or that bumps up against our energy is just an indicator of something that it should be curious about that why is that? Why is that, you know, upsetting me? Or why is that causing this reaction within me?

So it’s really just taking a step back. And the more you do this stuff, the more that you work on these areas, the more you’re able to do that to take a pause, to step back, be an observer and less, less reactionary and more deliberate and intentional with a response. And this happens over time. It’s not an overnight thing. But you can get there, every ounce of me believes that you can get there, you just have to decide, just take a look. Just be an excavator of your own life experience and start digging, stay curious and be your own best advocate. And boundaries have a lot to do with that. And like I said, I learned a lot about boundaries, going through my own experience with grief and addressing it. Learning where I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t have known a boundary. If it slapped me in the face. We learn these things as we start digging, but you won’t, unless you start digging. So when it comes to grief, make self-love your priority.  And look at these various areas and see where you can make the changes that can propel you into your best higher self into the version 2.0 of you that is standing triumphant in spite of the grief, the loss, and the trauma or whatever it is that you’ve experienced, where you can be your own hero.

P.S I hope this was helpful. I wish you all of the best in the week ahead. And I thank you so much for listening. If you did find this helpful, please share it with someone and leave a review. If you care to maybe even a couple of lines, I would like I read every single one. It makes me feel like this is really having an impact when I hear from the listeners. And if you’re interested in diving into these areas Through Grief Recovery and my program it does grief differently where we’ve looked at your values. And that’s a lot of having to do with boundaries as we identify your values. And we do that in the work that I do with clients. And so if you’re interested in that head to my website, theunleashedheart.com, and remember, when you unleash your heart you unleash your life. Much love. 

Ep 97 | Grief: Don’t Do It Alone

Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections | 0 comments

Takeaways & Reflections | Grief: Don’t Do It Alone

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

In this Takeaways & Reflections episode, I reflect on the importance of not grieving alone. We all need support through grief because, going it alone, keeps us stuck and ruminating on our grief. Connection to others is what gives a griever hope.

I also share in this episode how I took a long way around to find the right support for me and the impact that had on my own life and my grief.

If not now, when? And, if what you’re doing now isn’t working, then when will you seek something else that will keep moving you forward?

When we continue to do the same thing, we continue to get the same result. History repeats itself – even in grief.

Please utilize the numbers listed here in the show notes if you are having thoughts of suicide. And, if you would like a guide to light the path and aid you in clearing your own, my contact info is also listed below.

Connection is an antidote to grief; consider nurturing it within yourself and toward others.

RESOURCES:

• EP 96 Brent Scarpo
• FREE E-Books
• Energy Healing
• Biofield Tuning

______

NEED HELP?

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
• Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor

If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

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💛 Would you like to Learn Your Energy Type? Free Quiz ➡️ HERE! ⬅️

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Grief: Don’t Do It Alone

Hello, friends. Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. I am your host Victoria Volk, and today is Episode 97, which is the takeaways and reflections episode from Episode 96, with Brent Scarborough, and in Episode 96 with Brent, if you haven’t listened to it, he gives so many tips for Grievers, some that I had never even heard before. And he shared his personal story, though, of there being life after death between a secret that he and his mom shared and they didn’t tell a single soul. And they actually had written it in a letter that they mailed to each other time-stamped and everything like when it came through the mail and did not open it until one of them passed away. And so that’s how they, you know, created this proof of the secret that dad shared. It’s a lovely story of a red balloon that has ended up transforming his life and changing in a lot of ways the trajectory of his life. And I think of what he believes about what is possible in life after death, right?

So listen to the whole thing. It is truly a lovely episode with a lot of great insights. And he shares some tips from the Shawshank Redemption, in which he was a casting director. And one of my favorites that he shared was he decided he was going to give $5 a week to a random stranger in the mail while his mom was dealing with her cancer. And one of the quotes that he said was you can get busy living or you can get busy dying, absolutely love that quote, by the way, it kind of ties into a quote another guest had shared about either you lay or you either if you lay you decay, that’s how it went. And I think about that often because in grief, right? It’s so easy to just surrender to it, but not surrender, to move forward. But surrender to succumb to it. And there’s a big difference. So I absolutely loved a lot of what he shared much of what he shared. I mean, there are so many good tips and information. I mean, I always say that, but I really highly recommend listening to that episode because it’s a rich conversation, again, things that have never been shared by other guests. But what I want to talk about today is the idea of not doing grief alone. It is one of the things that Brent said, but I really think it’s at the heart of what his message was that even someone who you know, is a coach and supports others and, and really had a lot of self-awareness even as his mother was sick and had or addressed a lot of his own stuff and had been working on his own personal development during the time his mom was sick. And after she passed, even helpers need help?

So if you are a helper who is listening, someone who’s like me, right, who works with grievers, or someone who’s an energy worker who deals with a lot of emotions that people are trying to address you know, it can feel taxing at times. But for me having learned how to channel my energy like protect my energy, shift my vibration, elevate my own vibration, right learning how to do that through Reiki through meditation, grounding practices, just really honestly my self-care which I never, you know gave much credence to.

Staying Emotionally Constipated

Before I really address my grief and went through grief recovery myself, it is really easy to just do it alone to think that you can go it alone friend of mine, says it a lot and I find myself starting to say it too, but you can’t see the label from inside the jar when you’re in it. When you’re in the thick of it. When you’re experiencing it. It’s really hard and challenging to separate yourself from the feeling and the emotion of the situation so that you can see it clearly you can see it for what it is. So you can see the lessons in it. And the only way you can get clear about what happened, is how you want to feel about it moving forward and shifting your thought patterns to one of growth and progress rather than stagnation and decay, right? Emotional decay, or staying emotionally constipated, is kind of a new buzzword that I kind of like because it’s true, we are often emotionally constipated, when we kind of hold on and clench to something that is beyond our control. Or even if it is, in our control, we, we try to control you know, there’s so much tendency to want to control our environment to control other people, it gives us a sense of safety and security, to feel in control. And to not feel that way. You feel insecure, you feel a little bit stir crazy, you feel you might have anxiety. So I really just want to encourage anyone who is a helper, and even if you’re not to just again when it comes to grief, do not do it alone, there is so many resources. And it’s such a different time than, let’s say the 80s, even early 90s, even into the 2000s. I mean, with the with podcasts with the books that have been written, the music that’s been written, people that have been working on themselves, the different healing modalities that are coming forward, that are being explored, that are being brought forth.

I’m currently studying biofield tuning, which I’m absolutely in love with. I honestly just had a session today and it was phenomenal. Just the vibrational change and the shift in this client from when she came to when she left, I know that she’s going to have an amazing, amazing weekend because we addressed so much energetically and moved so much energy today that she can’t help but not so follow the breadcrumbs wherever they lead you to whom ever they lead you to an energy worker, someone who helps grievers like I do a therapist, a certain friend, clergy member, your neighbor, I mean, a friend’s grandparent, I mean, your heart with ears are you the person that can inspire, motivate, hold you accountable, and hold your hand through what you’re going through, can come in all shapes and forms. And if there’s any interest or spark of curiosity, when you’re around somebody, you know you’re around their energy or you feel their energy. Follow that.

Listen to that, if it makes you feel a certain way, like I feel really light when I’m around this person or this person really inspires me, or this person really has me curious about that. I wonder what how this person could help me when you have those thoughts. That is your intuition speaking, my friend. And I highly, highly encourage you to listen, follow the nudge, follow the breadcrumbs, your soul will guide you. Our souls are always guiding us to what we need in that time. Do we need suffering? That might be the question you might be asking yourself. Now when I said that, do we need suffering. And I think we need suffering. But sometimes it’s in the suffering, that we finally see the light, that we finally see what it is that we’re capable of. I didn’t for so many years, I had to hit my grief rock bottom. Before I saw the light of my potential. I just got goosebumps as I said that out loud. But you don’t have to reach the rock bottom of your grief to see the light and the rock bottom of grief is going to look differently for everybody. If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, that is enough. And I asked you and I challenge you.

Life Is For Joining not Figuring Out

What are you going to do today to flip that script to do something about it and to take ownership of your life to move it forward to discover your potential to actually live right to live? There’s a quote I came across this week. It said life is for joining not figuring out by Genoa living. I’m not sure if I’m saying that name right, but it’s true. It’s for joining and when we join life, we’re going to bump up against all kinds of feelings and emotions and I was trying to figure life out, figure myself out for many years. It wasn’t wasted. It wasn’t wasted. I just took the long way around. I really did. I took the long way around, people might say, Well, are there shortcuts to getting through grief? Well, I definitely will tell you that it does not have to take 30 plus years, like it did for me, it does not. And I could beat myself up, you know, for not discovering a lot of what I did much later in life, but it’s all learning, I forgiven that part of myself, that didn’t wake up sooner. So I will just encourage you to wake up, wake up to your life, wake up to support that is around you, all around you, and accessible in so many free different ways.

And, you know, find that person that can hold your hand, they might be two steps ahead of you. Or they might be 10. It doesn’t matter, as long as they inspire you, motivate you and encourage you, and lift you up. But don’t do it alone. All right, my friend. Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode. That is a quickie. In a nutshell, I think of what just I felt like needed to be said today. So thank you for listening, check out Episode 96, again, with Brent Scarborough. And if you check out my website, on theunleashedheart.com, you will find all sorts of free resources, free eBooks about grief, I have an energy quiz, if you want to understand your energy a little better.

P.S Because I mentioned biofield tuning, which is all about energy. And I didn’t learn about my own energy until probably three or four years ago, suddenly, my entire childhood made sense that I am a highly sensitive person. And if that’s you join the club, I have something for you too, because I have learned so much in that in that realm of life. So much of what I offer is in support of people who maybe struggle a little bit more sometimes than others. Because it’s not only your own stuff that you’re taking in and you’re feeling it’s also the world around you, your environment. And I’ve learned so much about how important our environment is, especially as a highly sensitive person. You know, how do you know if you’re a highly sensitive person? Well, as a kid, you probably were told you were a crybaby, or you needed a lot of sleep, or you were anxious in social situations. You know, when other people cry, you find yourself crying, you just feel really deeply. You might have big swings and emotions you might have you know, when you feel joy, you really feel joy. When you feel sad, you really feel sad, and you feel that of from other people as well. Like you’ll feel that from other people and you come into a room and there’s a lot of negative energy, a lot of you know, icky vibes, like it will bring you down. It certainly can bring you down as a highly sensitive person. And so especially in grief, as a highly sensitive person, you can’t do it alone. Trust me. I learned that the hard way. It’s probably honestly why it took me so long to wake up. I hope this was helpful. I send you so much love and light today, wherever you are, wherever you’re listening from, and I hope you listen again. Until next time, remember, when you unleash your heart you unleash your life much love.

Ep 95 | Our Food Relationship & Eating Our Feelings

Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections | 0 comments

Takeaways & Reflections | Our Food Relationship & Eating Our Feelings

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

What is your relationship with food? Would you say it’s healthy? Does it leave you often feeling shameful? Does the self-critic lurk out from the shadows after you’ve eaten something that isn’t deemed “healthy?”

I know I’ve left a drive-thru at times wondering why on earth I ever stopped, as I just feel like physical crap after eating something I know isn’t serving me. Perhaps that is my intuition and my inner-knowing saying “I told you so!” Or, perhaps it’s neither good nor bad; rather these are labels that, as a society, we’ve placed on food? Either way, shame is often a large part of our food relationship.

We often “eat our feelings,” as the saying goes (which seems to be a buzz phrase nowadays), and then feel shameful for doing so. We may then eat, even more, bingeing and stuffing, only to feel like physical crap later or, as my guest from last week’s podcast shared, develop an eating disorder.

Our food relationship starts in childhood. Whether you were forced to clean your plate, food was used as a reward, you grew up with food insecurity, food was part of a punishment, or became a means of control in body image – I guarantee that many of the patterns of behavior that existed with food in childhood, still exist in your adulthood. At the root of it, however, is grief.

I don’t think this is a topic talked about as it relates to grief. So, I’m happy to share this week’s episode and, I encourage you to listen to last week’s episode as well. I will be talking about this again this fall with a therapist who struggled with an eating disorder as well. We dive into the topic of food and kids more in that episode coming up. Stay tuned!

In the meantime, after you listen to this week’s episode, I encourage you to give some thought to how you feel about food and your relationship with it. Is it a means to survive or is it a means to thrive?

RESOURCES:

• EP 94 Hannah Howard | Food My Perfect Obsession
• EP The Manifestation of Grief

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We Do All Have Relationship to Food

So today’s episode is about food. It is a follow up to episode 94 with Hannah Howard my perfect obsession, and today’s episode is going to dig deeper into the topic of food as a grief STERB which STERB is a short term energy relieving behavior and the relationship that we have to food because we do all have a relationship to food. And just like in Hannah’s story, hers was shaped in her childhood and took a different turn in middle school, being a teenager is hard enough. You know, we deal with body image issues. And even the kids today maybe even have it harder than say I did growing up because we didn’t have social media, we didn’t have cell phones, it’s just a very different time, I think to life moves a little bit more at a faster pace now than what it did in probably the 80’s and early 90’s even. And so that has changed how we now connect with food if we take the time to connect with food and eat mindfully. How many of us really, truly do that. I know I’m guilty of not always doing that. But that’s what we’re going to talk about today. We often find ourselves self soothing ourselves with food and we learn this. Usually in childhood.

One of the first things that often parents will do when a child is sad or upset is say, you know, hey, let’s go for ice cream. You know, don’t be sad, let’s let’s go get some ice cream that’ll cheer you up, you know, something like that, or they’re sad or upset and they give the child a cookie. We learn these things in childhood, we learned that food can be a self-soother. And so that lesson we take with us into adulthood. So if we were someone who self-soothe with food as a child, we likely will do the same as an adult. Now for me personally, my relationship with food as a child was one of scarcity. But it wasn’t because necessarily financially, there wasn’t food, although we were in the lower class, we were not upper middle class, middle class, even I would say, you know, we had a roof over our head, we had food on the table for the most part. But after my dad died, that kind of changed. My mom worked until she didn’t get home usually until 7:30 at night, so she was never home to make an evening meal, I would get off of school, little after, you know, 3:15 or so 3:30. And there would be no one at my home, I would be by myself or you know, I had my brother. He was a teenager though. And so he was kind of doing his own thing.

So my relationship with food was you know, and my mom didn’t have a lot of time to do the grocery shopping. And she also worked weekends, so there just wasn’t food purchased, because there wasn’t time. And so it was a pretty bare fridge. But it wasn’t until maybe I was 10 or 11 I started doing the grocery shopping and I could pick out things that I would eat that I could eat easily for just you know, being by myself, so I ate a lot of Fruity Pebbles. In my elementary years, I could go down half a block down to the end of the street and there was like a hot stuff pizza place. I could get four breadsticks $4 that was often my meal or I really enjoyed pork egg rolls. So I mean, these are the things that I would eat. We often had bologna sandwich with Doritos. Don’t knock it till you tried it. I haven’t actually had one of those in years actually haven’t had bologna in probably more than 20 years. But in any case, this is what I’m saying our relationship with food definitely take shape and form in our childhood.

Food Take Us Back In Time

Food can take us back in time, it can remind us of things that maybe are less than loving feelings, right? Maybe food was used as a way to gain control for the other person, it could have been used as a reward, well, meaning parents are doing the best that they can, right. But they too are resorting to what they know, and to their stories with food. And this is why especially when I talk about grief, these things pass on from generation to generation, many, many years ago, food is the one thing that would bring many families together, like that’s like food was a family affair, the family cooked together, they ate together, they shopped together. And so much of that has gone away, just as we’ve kind of distanced ourselves and disconnected ourselves from death, we’ve kind of started to do the same thing with our food, we go to something that’s quick and easy or fast, like fast food, or, you know, we’ve just really gotten away from learning how to put flavors together and preparing a meal with our own hands and sharing in that breaking of bread with others.

And you know, that’s can bring a sense of community and support to when we get together with food with others. But instead, it’s often used as a band aid for grief, it’s often used to self-soothe. And so it becomes this almost shameful thing. And we develop this shameful feeling towards food. So all of a sudden now it’s not something that we participate in preparing and sharing in with others. It’s something that is tied to negative emotions, it’s tied to, well, if this doesn’t make me feel better, which it might for a time, like I said, you know, if it’s something you’re indulging in, and then you feel terrible, after ask yourself, am I eating this cake or bag of chips, or whatever it is, or going through the drive thru line because I’m bored, or I’m sad or angry, or depressed, or I’m really in the midst of grief, who has the energy to cook when you’re grieving, right? like who has that energy. And that’s why I think it’s such a wonderful idea when people who are going through a difficult time that loved ones and friends gather around and create a food, train and prepare food for the family and deliver it, right?

Food Help Us Connect With Our Family

It’s a beautiful offering of love and support, because you really don’t feel like cooking a meal when you’re grieving. And heck, like I’ve said, most of us don’t feel like cooking a meal on a good day. You know, I personally don’t love cooking, there are some times where I enjoy it, especially when I have help in the kitchen when I feel like it is one of those the family is helping and we’re doing it together. And then we’re sitting at the table together, which we do always do, we always do sit at the table together. And no devices. That’s one of our rules when we eat as a family, because that is the time to connect, you know, with kids being busy with activities. And you know, like most households, both my husband and I both work and we’re a busy family busy home. And that is the one time during the day where we can connect and laugh and share about our day. And so I think it is important to make that a non-negotiable. If that is what works for your family. It’s definitely been something that I’m proud to share with our kids. And I hope that when they eventually have a family, they will do the same that it’s a time that even though it’s you know, not necessarily the most five star restaurant, put together meal, right? It’s the bond and it’s the time together a meal is bringing us together for that time.

And you know, how often do we do that now maybe maybe at the holidays, we get together as a huge gathering in my husband’s family. They’re very large family, we make it like a potluck. So like kind of everyone brings a dish so that one person isn’t you know, doing everything and so that’s kind of fun too. You never know what someone is going to bring if something new and so you can kind of have a you know, play with food too you know in that way learn new recipes and things over the years. But again, this episode is really about how we form these beliefs around food and often the damage that comes about because now we take those beliefs and those lessons about food to our to adulthood.

Eating Disorder

Now Hannah actually had a very good upbringing around food, like it was something that her mom loved to cook. And she involved in the kitchen. And food was a huge part of her family’s life, but she still developed an eating disorder. And so it’s no one’s immune to these sorts of things. You can grow up in a home where that is the case, and you can have an eating disorder, or you can grow up in a home as I did, where food was scarce, often, but and I too, had a struggle for a period of time with food. It didn’t last long, though, I did try to make myself throw up a few times. And I wasn’t very good at it. So that didn’t last too long. But I also wasn’t I, I really didn’t eat that often, either. So no, there wasn’t a lot of snacking, or anything like that. And so I was very small and in for my age, but I do recall a time, especially in high school, where I would wear like, really baggy clothing, I did not want to show I didn’t show my figure at all. And I think a lot of teenage girls go through that and experience that they just go through this phase where you don’t like your body or you’re embarrassed by your body. And so you want to hide it and wear big baggy clothes to do that. That doesn’t mean you have an eating disorder. I’m not saying that. But that’s where growing up is so, so difficult. It’s you’re going through all of these changes, and all of these things, and especially with body image, and boys can struggle to that are there no, you know, males can have that challenge as well.

And so I think we just need to really think about our relationship with food as individuals and as parents, what do we want to pass on to our kids? When it comes to food? Do we want to share the story of food being nourishing life giving that high vibration food is what brings high vibration in your body, such as, you know, plants and vegetables, you know, the good stuff, the green stuff, the stuff that comes from the ground? Or do we want to pass on the story that food is best prepared by someone else, real fast, the greasy, or the better.

Food Takes Us Back To Our Childhood

And that’s nourishing, I think that’s just eating to survive, if it’s not eating to thrive, and I very much am a work in progress in this area of like I said, I struggle because I’m not one that loves to cook. But I think it’s also because I don’t really know how to put flavors together. It is on my bucket list to take a cooking class to learn how to put flavors together. And I think I would maybe enjoy putting a meal together that I felt confident in. Maybe that’s what it is maybe I just don’t feel confident in the kitchen. I know I can cook I can follow a recipe but to find something that my entire family would like that might that is the biggest challenge for me. Well I’m we actually live in a very rural area, we do have a restaurant here in my itty bitty town of like 60 people that offers German food, which is our background, like the dumplings and Neff law, which is like basically dough and cheese buttons and things like that, which if you’ve never had cheese buttons, your soul missing out, you know, just like other backgrounds and traditions, we have our German traditions. And so there are certain things that we do have some times that do or take me back to my childhood because my mom one of the meals she did make when she did cook was dumplings, you know he sliced potatoes in a pan and you put some water and oil in it. And then you’d actually take frozen bread dough and my mom would she took frozen bread dough cut it into like these little balls let that rise while she’d actually let the bread loaf rise. And then she make the little balls and then let those rides and then put them in the pan and cover the pan and let it simmer and cook. And the trick is to not open the pan at the wrong time. Because if you open it too soon, the dumplings will kind of go flat, then they’re not light and fluffy. So but still tastes like dough.

That is one of the ways that food takes me back in time to my childhood. But yeah, I think just thinking about what our relationship is to food and the traditions and the teachings that we want to pass on to our kids. But I just think more importantly, you know, ask yourself, Do I want to self soothe with food? Or do I want to nourish myself with food and thinking about eating the high vibe food because you know, I think that’s where they get that you know you are what you eat if you’re just eating fast food and low vibe stuff that’s not proactive in your body for thriving, right it’s loaded with sodium and sugar and all of these things that get people addicted to that stuff whereas you can eat the same amount of calories in probably as much as you want in fruits and vegetables or vegetables at least and it’s going to help you thrive like I said I am a work in progress in this area.

I am not perfect when it comes to food I’m it’s always something that I’m trying to be more conscious of. And I just feel like you know we all have a relationship with food and it can be a positive, thriving one, or it can be one of shame and suffering and low vibe. And we always have a choice. And it’s not easy in the lifestyle that many of us live today, but it’s definitely an investment in ourselves and in our kids.

So I hope this has given you some food for thought and view enjoyed it, please share it, leave a review, or reach out to me if you have any thoughts on this topic. Or if you’ve never thought of this before, in never thought of food this way before. And you might want to listen to an earlier episode on stirpes short term energy relieving behaviors, I’ll actually put a link to it in the show notes. I think that might be helpful for you to get a better understanding of what I’m talking about and how how grief can connect us with food and what how they are related. So I hope this was helpful. And I invite you to subscribe, or head to my website to learn more about everything that I have to offer www.theunleashedheart.com and in the meantime, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life much love.