Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | You Take You Wherever You Go
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
This episode is a quick and dirty one about how we don’t heal in isolation and that support is an important piece of the grief puzzle.
In all of the conversations I’ve had with grievers of all kinds over the past several years, none of them wished they would be alone in their grief. Every single one had a desire to be heard and held in their sorrow.
Grief is alienating. And, society doesn’t help by perpetuating the 6 Myths of Grief:
- Don’t Feel Bad
- Replace the Loss
- Be Strong
- Keep Busy
- Grieve Alone
- Time Heals [All Wounds]
This episode is a love note of encouragement if you find yourself living the myths listed above.
Allow yourself to be heard and held, my friend.
RESOURCES:
OTHER EPISODES YOU MIGHT LIKE:
______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
💛 Would you like to Learn Your Energy Type? Free Quiz ➡️ HERE! ⬅️
SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
I’m Only Grieving Fridays
Hey there, and welcome to grieving voices. Thank you for tuning in today, tonight, this morning whatever time it is where you are. Today’s episode is takeaways and reflections episode from Episode 92 with Phoebe Leona, I’m only grieving Fridays. And I really contemplated that title for that episode. Only because it’s not a main focus of what we talked about. It doesn’t fully embody the areas of grief that we talked about. But I found it interesting that she had created this pact for herself. And it was one of those little pieces of our conversation that struck me. And so that’s why I decided to title that episode. I’m only grieving Fridays. Because imagine if we could just pick a day of the week where we would just allow ourselves to grieve. Is it possible? I don’t know. It didn’t go too well for Phoebe, as she shared in that episode. So if you haven’t listened and want some context, go back to that and listen. But the idea is that it took her some time to really figure out that we don’t heal on our own, that it’s okay to ask for help. And it’s okay to be held. But before she allowed that to happen, she had decided I’m only grieving on Fridays. It’s almost like this stance of defiance against grief, that I think so many of us when we’re grieving, and we’re feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired, unsure of really what to do about it, often finding ourselves downward spiraling and thoughts.
You Take Yourself Wherever You Go
And sometimes feeling like, instead of it coming in waves, it just feels like this consistent freight train that’s dragging you along, whichever you’re feeling today. Like you’re being dragged by a freight train, or you’re riding the wave, expecting to feel the calm again, is another novel thought to think. If only I could just choose one day of the week, to not feel so miserable. It doesn’t work, my friends, because you take yourself everywhere you go. And all of the unprocessed and undealt with emotions and incomplete feelings towards your loved one or whether they’re dead or alive, whether they’re still in your life or not. Whether it was less than loving relationship, all of that stuff, the emotion, the sorrow, the pain. It goes wherever you go. Because you take you everywhere. It’s like we can’t just dump our luggage on one day of the week and just let it all come out. Although we can, but not and then package it all up back in the suitcase and not think that we’re not carrying that with us the rest of the week. Again, it just doesn’t work. So today is going to be short and sweet. Because what I’m feeling called to share with you today is that we can’t choose to just grieve one day out of the week. I mean, we can you can choose that. Who am I to say you can’t. But don’t be fooled to think that it’s not infiltrating all the little nooks and crannies of your heart. It’s not impacting the language you use in the quiet of your own mind or to others. It’s that voice in your head that never goes away.
I would just challenge you to consider rather than trying to choose one day a week to grieve, and essentially setting yourself up for failure, why not seek somebody where you can be held, seek somebody who can be your heart with yours to truly listen without criticism, analysis or judgment. And maybe that means it’s three days a week, you’re meeting with that person. The big difference between that and choosing only one day a week to allow yourself to feel is that those three days you’re taking action. And that’s the difference.
So I hope this quickie takeaways and reflections episode was helpful. I just feel like that is the message that needed to be shared. And know that I am here as a heart with yours whenever you’re ready. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | The Judgment of Grief
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
What is it costing you by looking to others for permission to grieve your way?
What is it costing you, to not address the child within you and the grief you’ve carried with you into adulthood from your childhood?
Grief isn’t about death alone. So, don’t be mistaken that because someone did not die in your childhood that you don’t have grief or, that you aren’t holding on to the energy of grief.
The loss of hopes, dreams, expectations – for relationships, your life, career, health, finances…
Anything you wish would’ve been different, better…this is grief.
We so quickly judge our grief; thinking we’re not doing it “right” or, doing it badly or not quickly enough, etc. We also judge other grievers and how they’re “dealing with” their grief. Which is ironic, isn’t it? Since the vast majority of the population has no idea how to “deal with” their own grief, right?
We break this vicious cycle of judgment when we know better, learn new tools and information, and stop having these crazy expectations of others and ourselves.
Every relationship is unique, therefore, we cannot begin to know or understand the grief of another on the level the griever themselves knows it. It’s impossible. We can relate to their story or their loss, but we can’t truly know what their grief is like for them. This is why judgment is hurtful and can even be harmful.
I get on a bit of a soapbox in this episode, but this information matters to me. And, I want it to matter to you, too. THIS is how we change the conversation around grief – new knowledge, new information, and new tools. Let’s end the judgment!
RESOURCES:
______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
💛 Would you like to Learn Your Energy Type? Free Quiz ➡️ HERE! ⬅️
SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
What is Grief and How Complex It Is
And today is the takeaways and reflections episode from Episode 90 with Jill Johnson young rebellious widow times two. And today I’m just going to dive deeper into a few topics that Jill and I talked about which were many. We discussed boundaries, we talked about online support groups and how those have changed since COVID. And much of her conversation was also obviously her story of being a widow, not once but twice. And the judgment and criticism that she often felt that she wasn’t grieving, right, or she was doing something wrong, which is often the case that many people feel judged or criticized that they’re not moving beyond their grief fast enough, or they’re not handling it well. Or maybe they’re handling it too well. And maybe you’ve been one of those people that kind of looks at someone and thanks, gosh, they’re not even really crying. Why aren’t they more sad? Or someone’s on vacation, and they’re laughing. And it’s maybe been only three months since their loved one passed? And you might be asking yourself, gee, how can they go on vacation so soon and be laughing and having a good time. And if that were me, I’d be in my bed and sobbing. And this is what we do. We criticize, and we judge each other in our grief. And although it’s not surprising to me, it can be hurtful, and very harmful to people. And I think this behavior starts to change.
And maybe even altogether stop, once we learn, really what grief is and how complex it is, and how individual it also is. Because here’s the thing, you can be an outsider looking in, but you’re never going to understand that person in their grief. You never will, you can relate to it. But because the person they’re grieving, had a unique relationship with them. All of our relationships are unique. This is why when children are grieving, who, like siblings, let’s say who loses parent, each one of those children will grieve in their own way. They may have experienced the same loss. But the relationships are very different that each of the child had with their parent. There can be on loving relationships that can cause a great deal of pain. And so if you are thinking of someone right now who may have lost a parent, let’s say they’re an adult, and they lost a parent, and they’re not the least bit sad, or appearing that way. You just don’t know what the story was. Maybe that person was deeply wounded by their parent, maybe even abused in some way. You just don’t know. I always try to say or think to myself, I don’t know what I don’t know. So if you are finding yourself questioning someone’s the process, someone is grieving. Just say that to yourself. I don’t know what I don’t know. And what I know for sure that you don’t know is the uniqueness of that relationship. So that’s my spiel on that.
Taking About the 5 Stages of Grief
But one of the things that was also mentioned in our in that episode was the five stages. And this has actually come up. The last several, actually, the last three recordings I’ve done with guests, the five stages and, and I feel like I have to, in some ways defend Elisabeth Kubler Ross and her work because, you know, even in my training as a certified Grief Recovery specialist when I was in my training, the five stages are definitely mentioned. But really, it wasn’t about what I was told at that time when I certified was that her work wasn’t about her initially, the five stages were not about people who are just grieving a loved one. Overall, it was, you know, she was working with those who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. But that being said, I’ve since talked to her son, Kenneth Ross, and he really opened my eyes to her work. And really, that the five stages, that’s not where it ended. There’s, and they’re not linear either. And so I he said, he gets frustrated, too, he had shared his frustration that, you know, pop culture, and society has put these five stages on this pedestal and people just can’t let it go. Just they can’t let the five stages go. It’s everywhere. It’s in The Simpsons. It’s in books, it’s in movies. It’s it’s everywhere. Elisabeth Kubler Ross is a pop culture icon. Because five stages of grief has been coined. And it was from her work. But again, there’s more than just five, nonlinear, I say that in air quotes, nonlinear stages. They’re just emotions. They’re they’re phases of grief that you go through. And you come back to again, it’s like this wave I recorded with someone recently, and I just I thought this was the most beautiful description of grief. He had lost his mother as a child.
And many years later, 30 plus years later, he’s been confronted with some of her belongings, and seeing them for the first time, and he said, it feels like a shipwreck. And there’s these artifacts and these things that I’m having to look at. And for the first time, and, and that’s grief, it can feel like a shipwreck. But over and over and over again, through the years, as maybe new information comes to light, or new memory surface, or a relationship that your loved one had with someone and they share something with you that you didn’t know, this is why grief is so complicated. In our hearts, it feels so complicated and difficult to navigate. Because we always will have it in our lives is this undercurrent. It’s always there. And why is it always there? Because you take yourself everywhere, right? Like, you can’t run away from yourself. And you can’t run away from your grief. It’s always there. That being said, I know from my own experience, and in working with Grievers and the many people that I’ve talked to for my podcast, that it is possible to feel joy again, it’s possible to feel purpose in your life. And like Gil Johnson, Jung said, you can still go to Disneyland and be a Griever Right? You can still smile, you can laugh, and you can feel joy again. And it’s what you choose to do with those complicated and complex feelings in your heart. Whether it was a loving relationship or not. How you want to move forward. Do you want that to be your the end of your story? That suffering is just what you’re meant to meant to do? Because that’s what I believed for a long time. I guess I’m just here to suffer. And I’m telling you that’s not true. It doesn’t have to be true for you.
We’re Just Big Versions Of Ourselves
What’s come to my mind as I’ve been having recent conversations and as I was editing Jill’s web podcasts Episode was that we are all just like all of us as adults, we’re all just big kids and diapers. Again, learning how to deal with life, deal with grief, address the incomplete feelings we have about relationships long gone, or relationships still in our lives, we are adult versions of our childselves. And so whatever pains and sorrows, in hurts and anxieties, or fears, we bring those with us to adulthood. And, you know, when children lose a loved one, or they’ve gone through something traumatic, children know how to grieve, the youngest of youngest know how to grieve. But they often need permission by others to do so. And adults often shut children down to grieving. Because it makes them uncomfortable. They don’t know what to do, they don’t know what to say they don’t know how to handle it. Because like I said, as adults, We’re just big children. We’re just big versions of ourselves. Kind of in training pants, like one of the one of my guests said that someone he knows developed a program of how to be, oh, gosh, how was it? How to not be emotionally constipated. Which is true, I mean, right? We become emotionally constipated as adults.
Because we don’t know what to do with our emotions. We don’t know how to let them flow through us, we just hold on to them. And we fight to hold on, we fight to hold on to our grief, we fight to hold on to our anger. And we fight to hold on to our suffering, thinking it’s bringing some sort of honor to the memory of this person we lost. Or it’s making us feel better to hold on to the anger of someone who wronged us. But really, you’re the one suffering. I was the one suffering. And so this is why as adults, it’s in our hands, to allow children to grieve. We need to give them permission to grieve. And isn’t it ironic that as adults, the person that needs permission is ourselves like, as adults grieving, we need to give ourselves permission. And we look to other adults. If we’re unsure, am I doing this right? Should I be over this already, and then we look to other adults to give us permission. We’re always looking elsewhere for permission. You don’t need permission, feel how you’re gonna feel. And really let yourself feel it. Because like I’ve said, on my website, and I say it several times and podcast, various podcasts, you got to feel it to heal it. You got to feel it, to heal it. Because as long as we’re bigger versions of ourselves, and we haven’t really felt what was in our childhoods or we’re feeling it in adulthood. But what is the cost of that? What are you trading in the process for not giving yourself permission? And for looking for looking to others for permission? There is a cost to not feeling it to heal it. What is yours? I think there is so much more I could say but that feels really complete today. Of what what I feel like needed to be said and shared. So I’m going to end there.
And I really recommend listening to Episode 90 with Jill Johnson young because it really is a rich conversation. We talked about so many different aspects of grief. She gives really great information to about with children, which I love because I was a child Griever maybe I could stay still on right because I’m I’m just a bigger version of my child’s self right. This is why I think is as adults we often end up parenting ourselves. Like we have to learn how to parent ourselves. Because so many of us didn’t receive that guidance, especially when it comes to grief. But I’ll tell him you can break the cycle. You can learn new tools, you can learn new information and this podcast is a great start. So soak in every episode or as many as you can learn some new information, learn through people’s stories and break the cycle. Be a different source of support for Grievers that you know, be the heart with yours For a child, or for a loved one, or for a friend, or for a colleague, is there’s a very good chance that they don’t have someone in their life that can just sit with them. Thank you so much for listening today. I look forward to sharing more rich conversations with you. There are so many more to come!
Right now I have episodes lined up into November. That’s a fantastic problem to have. I thought when I first started this podcast, I would have a really difficult time finding people who wanted to share about their grief. But really, that’s been the easiest part. And it’s really enriched my life, to sit with people and their stories and really go deep with them. This podcast has been one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. And I thank you so much for your time and listening. If you find this podcast helpful, even if one episode has chipped shifted your perspective about grief for your own grief or the grief of a loved one or, or child you know or love, please leave a review, if you would five stars, if you felt it was worthy of that, and a few lines to share how it helped you. That would be so fantastic. And I’d be so appreciative. I don’t get paid for this. I’m not there’s no ads, there’s, this is purely out of my mission, to shift the conversation, change a conversation around grief, and how we view it, how we look at it, how we talk about it. So thank you so much.
If you are a Griever, and you’re just not sure where to turn or what to do, or you’ve been doing something that hasn’t been helping you, when we do the same thing, we’re always going to get the same result. It’s when we do something different if we’re open to a new new method or a new method, or methodology or what are you missing out on in your life by not addressing your grief. And so there’s a program that I have, it’s called do grief differently. It’s working with me one on one for 12 weeks. And we dive deep in your grief and in your story. And we shift your perspective around that story and help you to get complete, emotionally complete with a relationship that has been truly painful. Or maybe it was very loving. Right? It could be very loving and just really making it difficult for you to move on in your life and move forward. But we don’t just work on one we actually work on two. And often it is a relationship with a parent, because those are the most influential relationships we have. These they take up so much that they’re it’s embedded in who we are those beliefs that we grow up with those stories that get that take root right in our lives and that we carry forward into adulthood. So check that out on my website. There’s more information there. Theunleashedheart.com and and thank you again for listening. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | Child Grievers: Adult Victims in the Making?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY
As a child, were you called a crybaby?
A child taught to grieve alone becomes an adult who also grieves alone. To break the cycle of learned behavior, we have to learn new information.
If you want to learn how to support children in their grief, this episode walks you through what not to do and what to do instead. Most of us grew up without a healthy demonstration of how to grieve healthily. When we are faced with challenges as adults, we resort to what we know and what we’ve been taught.
When someone does something hurtful to you, is your knee-jerk reaction to blame that person for “making” you angry or sad? First, that’s a lot of power to give the other person. And second, this is a learned behavior that is also what keeps us in a victim mindset well into adulthood.
Take twenty minutes out of your day today and learn a better way to support a grieving child you know or love.
RESOURCES:
______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
💛 Would you like to Learn Your Energy Type? Free Quiz ➡️ HERE! ⬅️
SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
There is No Hierarchy of Loss
Hello, thank you so much for listening to grieving voices today. I am your host Victoria Volk of the Unleashed heart. And today this is episode 89. A takeaways and reflections episode from episode 88, with Michele Benyo, a mother and daughter living forward after loss, and I’m going to just dive right into it because this one is going to be all about the children. And the child grievers out there, which I was one. And if you haven’t heard my story, just real briefly, my father was diagnosed with colon cancer stage four, when I was six years old, or so maybe about seven, that he was given three to four months to live at that time. But he made it almost 16 months. And so shortly after my eighth birthday, he had passed away. And so during that time, I was bounced around from house to house. During those 16 months while he was in and out of the hospital having surgeries. He had a colostomy bag. They kind of tried everything. I guess they could, but it wasn’t enough. And I really had to grow up fast. And as many children do, who experience a significant loss of a parent, or guardian or a caretaker, or someone who has greatly influenced their life doesn’t have to be a parent. And it can even be just the loss of a pet can be absolutely devastating and crushing for a child. There is no hierarchy of loss, because we all grieve at 100%. And every relationship that we have is unique to us. Therefore, our grief is also unique.
Creation of Adult Victims
What I’d like to talk about today is the creation of adult victims. What do I mean by that? Well, if you’ve listened to enough of my episodes, you will know and you’ve heard me say before that adulthood is childhood reenactments. And that’s what we say in Grief Recovery, and it’s absolutely the truth. Because as adults, when our backs are up against the wall, when we’re faced with challenges, when we find ourselves emotionally razzled challenged or struggling, we will always resort to the information and the experiences that we’ve had, but the information that we know, which is often based on our experiences, but it’s also information that has been passed down to us. It is the beliefs and those patterns that have probably continued on for generations within your family. And my family was no different. You know, there was no talk of grief, there really just wasn’t very much emotional intelligence in the home. And that’s like many homes, even back in the 80s. And even today, because again, these things are cyclic, this information that continues to get passed down and impacts the future generation. And this is how patterns and cycles continue. So unless we learn differently, and unless we learn how to address our grief, we will pass those lessons down to our children.
Children Are Very Imaginative
And so today is really about how you as a parent can set up your child for the best response to grief possible. Now, what does that mean? That means that for you to pass down those lessons, you need to understand your own as well, that I’m going to give you some information today that will hopefully cause some reflection and introspection. And it’s not to judge, it’s not to criticize it is to put the children first. And it is with love from my heart to yours, because as a grieving child, nobody really knew what to do with me. Nobody knew what to say. And so they said nothing. And I became the child that didn’t speak unless spoken to, I really became small. And the wallflower and I became a people pleaser too, children are the most vulnerable when they’re grieving, because they’re easily manipulated and taken advantage of and influenced, right, because unless they’re taught or unless it’s emulated for them, children don’t really know how to emotionally regulate themselves. And so when you have a devastating loss, or trauma, or in my case, both, that’s a lot for a child to understand and cope with. What children do is they make up their own stories, when the guidance isn’t there, or when there isn’t someone supporting their grief, in a healthy way. And so children have an imagination, right? Children are very imaginative. And so you can imagine the stories that children tell themselves when something bad happens to them. And you can see where this creates a lot of issues with self worth, into adulthood. And so this is where I’m going to start today. In childhood, it is very common to hear statements like don’t do that you’ll make your father angry, or you make mommy feel so proud. And if you listen closely to those phrases, you will notice that they suggest that someone else makes them feel a certain way. As a result, a victim foundation is laid with the idea that other people are the chief architects of our feelings. And because children are very, very smart, they quickly realize that if they have the power to make mom or dad feel something, then Mom or Dad can make them feel something. As the adults we often mistakenly say or imply that the words or actions of others are the primary cause of the child’s feelings.
Importance of 1%
And the underlying message is that others made the child feel a certain way. Say for example, you’re stuck in traffic or someone cuts you off, which that’s happened to probably anyone here listening and your responses is ‘Oh, they made me so mad. They cut me off in traffic. And I was then late for work. And because they drove so slow, but they cut me off. And this is a very generalized example. But if your child’s in the back seat, and they’re hearing this, they’re hearing that someone else made mommy angry. Someone cut mommy off in traffic, and that person made mommy angry. And I remember when my husband and I, I don’t know if it was in our parenting early on, or I’m not even sure when. But I remember it just made me so mad. Because I think deep down, I knew it was the truth. But he would say, Nobody makes you angry. You make yourself angry. And it really took me personally a long time to accept that, because I spent so much of my life. Being angry. I was an angry child. I was an angry teenager, and I became an angry adult. And it wasn’t until I learned the importance of 1% responsibility, which is what we talk about Grief Recovery, taking 1% responsibility, where it really clicked for me. And this is why I think so many adults who were victimized as children or grew up in the victim mindset, environment, into adulthood have such a difficult time with forgiveness. And I think that is a lot of the reason why forgiveness is so hard because even in the worst of circumstances, let’s say child abuse, it is possible to forgive. And not saying as a child who was abused that you have any ownership in what happened, but you always have ownership and responsibility for how you feel, and how you respond to others. And so that was a long process for me, not a long process because Grief Recovery is a time based, you can start it and know that you’re not going to be, going on a therapist couch for six months or a year. So I was able to quickly learn how to forgive and that was very transformative for me. Can you see through that example of being cut off in traffic or any other daily life example you can think of where you felt wronged, or where you believe someone else made you feel a certain way is dangerous for children, it really sets them up to believe the idea that they are responsible for the feelings of others, which automatically sets them up to believe that others can be responsible for their feelings. So where’s the ownership in all of that? So what do you do instead? Well, you learn how to communicate more accurately about emotions, which your children will then copy and learn. So in simplest terms, comments like you really make me angry need to be restructured. That statement makes the other person responsible for how you feel where it is more accurate to say, I am angry.
Identify Your Own Emotions
This can be one of the most powerful life lessons you teach your children, you must become aware of your use of the idea of others causing you to feel and as you change your language your children will change too, when we learn how to restructure how we feel into ‘I’ statements, we are first identifying our own emotions. But then we’re also taking there’s a sense of responsibility, in that when we say I am angry, and it’s more honest, it’s more authentic as well. And it serves us when it comes to grief. Most of us have been taught not to dwell on the past, to let bygones be bygones and to remember that what’s done is done. And in the wind children grieve book, it states that all of that well meaning advice is dangerous, because the human mind and heart operate in very specific ways. One of the things that happens naturally is that our brain reviews a relationship and discovers everything that it thinks could have ended differently, better or more. It is our nature to do this. And we’re much better advised to follow our nature than to fight it. The only thing we need to add is what to do with the discoveries after they have been made. And Through Grief Recovery. That’s where you learn how to do this. That’s what I learned. When I went through the process myself, I was able to discover and complete the thoughts and feelings that I had for all of the relationships that I’ve worked on Through Grief Recovery, because once you learn it, you have it for life. But you have to learn that misinformation first, such as taking the responsibility for your feelings for your emotions. And in Grief Recovery. Part of the foundation of the grief education is talking about the six myths, which I didn’t even mentioned. But grieving alone is a big one is often children are told to not be cry babies or things like that. And what happens then is when the adults who have experienced a loss, do not openly communicate how they’re feeling, children learn to hide their feelings as well. And so this is why the cycle repeats itself.
Better to Grieve as a Family
Personally, I’ve heard people say that, for example, someone had their parent die and their daughter really had a close relationship with the grandfather. But the daughter of the grandfather did not want the daughter to talk about her grandpa because it made her upset. And so the child essentially couldn’t even share happy memories of her grandfather because it would make her mother upset. So then she internalized that ‘I am making my mom upset’, right? And so it’s affirming just what I’ve said previously about how a child is taken responsibility for how the mother feels. But this is something that’s passed on to our kids. As parents we do this ourselves we do this teachers, mentors, coaches, Faculty of schools, or what have you. We do this to children because we don’t know any better because we don’t understand grief ourselves as adults. We haven’t processed our own grief. And I say this as someone who used to be that parent that passed on those lessons to my kids, I did the very same things that I’m talking about. And so this is information that sets up our children for the rest of their lives. And it’s why I’m so passionate too about the Grief Recovery method, the helping children with loss program. I can offer that program online in groups, but helping children with loss is prevention. But I also believe that the Grief Recovery method for parents to go through that is also prevention, because it breaks the cycle. And it breaks those patterns that are passed down generation to generation undelivered emotional communications are about the things we wish we had said or did, or about things we wish had not said or done. And they’re also about the things we wish the other person had said or done, or had not said or done. And so children are highly sensitive to the sorts of things that fall into those categories. It is our job as parents and caretakers and caregivers to help children discover undelivered emotional communications. But it’s equally imperative that as the adults, we understand our own, as well, because if we as a family suffer a great loss, wouldn’t it be better if you could grieve together as a family than each person isolating themselves or the children feeling like they can’t talk about it, because it’ll make someone else upset.
Take Ownership of Our Emotions
This is why understanding grief and caring to know about it is so important future generations hinge on this information, we can continue to have adults walking around like victims, or we can become adults, who are emotionally intelligent, who have learned how to process our emotions, how to healthily share our emotions, and to take ownership of them too and through Grief Recovery, learn the action steps so that when a loss does occur, we can let go of the pain, but hold on to the memories. And that’s what Grief Recovery does. And that’s what helping children with loss does it gives the parents and the caregivers and the caretakers, the tools to help children understand and acknowledge their undelivered communications. And there’s no better gift than that. Because I had someone who could have helped me navigate all of my emotions, and my pain and my trauma, and all of that, I don’t think my life would have, well, probably wouldn’t have turned out the way did, but I wouldn’t have suffered for as long as I did. And I think there are many adults walking around who felt just like I did, lost, alone, and fearful. I think we disconnect from ourselves, especially with trauma, but also that can happen with devastating loss and shut down a part of ourselves. And it really becomes an excavation and discovery process to find our selves again, I think there’s so much more I could say on this. Actually, I’ll add this. So I’ve been pondering lately too, how much personality plays a role in how we grieve. And I personally, I’m an INFP, if you’re familiar with Myers Briggs, and, and I’ll actually put the quiz for that link in the show notes. But I’m also a Pisces. And so it feels like a double whammy. But I’ve also had trauma in many losses throughout my life. And so growing up as a highly sensitive child, and experiencing the losses and trauma that I did, the world felt very heavy to me. And I truly felt like I was on a foreign planet or something, I often felt like I didn’t fit in, I didn’t know where I fit in, I felt awkward, you know, and I felt very different than other kids did, I think. I genuinely didn’t know how to be happy. I didn’t have a lot of happiness surrounding me. And so I’ve just been pondering on that lately about being a highly sensitive person, an empathic person that tends to take in other people’s energy and being very sensitive to other people’s energy. And so that’s what I want to highlight too, is being given these messages of, you know, let’s say I made my mom angry on top of feeling and taking in that energy of me making my mom angry. For example, boy, you just never feel like you’re ever good enough. You grew up feeling you’re just not good enough that nothing you can say or do is ever good enough very sensitive to criticism. I think, as highly sensitive children in absorbing other people’s emotions and feelings and taking responsibility for other people’s emotions and feelings, and then having loss on top of loss added on really, truly it is a wonder that I’m sitting here and talking to you through this podcast, to be honest, it’s shaped me for this work that I do today. I wouldn’t change it, I guess. But I have wondered what my life would have been like had my mother had these tools at her disposal. Thank you for tuning in today and remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
P.S And I used to be very sensitive to criticism. I just think there’s a lot to that. And so if you’re a highly sensitive or empathic, adult today, I’d be curious to hear from you. If you’ve experienced grief, not if, but when, because we all experienced a loss of some kind, what your experience was being a highly sensitive child or empathic person who’s experienced also a grief loss or trauma, please reach out to me, I would love to know what your experience was, not that again, one loss is worse than another or because I’m a highly sensitive person, or I’m empathic that my grief hurts more than someone who’s not considered themselves highly sensitive. I just think there’s something to it, that it really feels like this dark pit. Well, I guess grief feels like that, doesn’t it? Regardless, I guess I can only speak from my experience in that it just felt really heavy life just felt really heavy. And I can tell you, when I went through Grief Recovery, it felt like a mountain had been taken off my shoulders. And so if there’s anything that you do today, as a parent, or caregiver or caretaker or guardian, please go to Amazon and pick up the book when children grieve. It’s for adults to help children deal with death, divorce, pet loss, moving and any other loss, and I will put the link in the show notes for that. If you want to reach out or listen to more episodes like this you can visit my website theunleashedheart.com or if you want to be connected with me you can visit me on social media like Facebook or Instagram.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflection | When Dysfunction Meets Dysfunction
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY
What happens when you get a group of people together with unprocessed grief?
The same thing that happens, likely every day of your life – in unprocessed grief, dysfunction meets dysfunction; baggage meets baggage.
We are a society of grievers. Every human being has either lost a loved one, dream, relationship, home, job/career, a pet, or themselves. Amidst these losses, are other relationships in life where others have experienced losses, too.
In our dysfunction of not addressing these losses (which are likely numerous and cumulatively negative), we are met with the undelivered communications and undealt with emotions that cause a dysfunction stew.
Dysfunction meets dysfunction.
What do you do when you find yourself in situational dysfunction?
What can you do?
In today’s episode, I explore this and more…
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We All Bring Our Baggage
Hey, it’s another takeaways and reflections episode. This is your host Victoria. And this is Episode 87, where I will share some takeaways from Episode 86. With Moussa Mikhail, and today, I really want to dig into the idea of patients, and particularly patients in post traumatic growth. One of the things that Moussa and I talked a lot about, or one of the themes of his share on the podcast last week was about how he spent two years in a submarine. Which I mean, it’s one thing to be in kind of isolation by yourself but then to be in isolation. Well, it’s not like let’s say prison isolation in a cell with just you yourself and you right? But in no communication with people, but isolation in a way like you’re under water, you’re in the ocean, like there’s, you don’t see sunlight and I can’t imagine what it’s like to not see sunlight every day. Now I know some people live in really cloudy, rainy climates, that does not appeal to me either. But just the idea of being in a confined space with others. And not just anybody, right? I mean, these are people that he maybe knew, maybe not well, maybe he knew some of them well. But in any case, when you get a group of people together in one space, it’s everybody bringing their luggage with them. And I don’t mean like literal luggage, I mean, metaphorical luggage or baggage, right? So we all bring our baggage to our environments. And that includes a submarine, that includes an outing with family, that includes Christmas dinner with extended family, right? We all bring our baggage everywhere we go. We can drop it, we can leave it in the past, but most of us don’t. It follows us like I’m trying to think of an analogy, but I can’t at this moment, but it’s ever present. And even if you think you’ve buried it, even if you think you’ve dealt with it, there are some remnants of grief there, I guarantee you that still exist if you are a human being on this planet.
Grief is Like a Ball and Chain
And unless you’re like a monk, or you’re Buddha, you will be triggered by other people, something someone says, or does, or bring up for you something that needs to be healed, that needs to be kind of unpacked or worked through. And this is language, that’s really kind of buzzwords right now, and until I find some other words, that sound better, I’m going to use those but you get the idea. Grief is like a ball and chain, right? It’s it’s always going to be with us. But we can evolve and we can change with it. But we always still have some level of sadness around a relationship that we had expectations for that we wish would have been different better or more about things that we have done or didn’t do with our lives, goals and dreams and aspirations that weren’t met. You get the idea. So those feelings, unaddressed. We bring them to all of our experiences. And I don’t feel that anything lost in experiences.
There’s No Such Thing as Failure
Like even if you perceive something as a failure, whether it be a relationship or a career, or anything new that you’ve tried, or even a conversation that you wanted to have and had but it didn’t go well. There’s no such thing as failure. You can walk away with more clarity, even if it didn’t go well, right? You can have a difficult conversation with someone and walk away with the clarity of knowing, let’s say you don’t even go into the conversation with the intent to change that person’s mind you just want them to see your perspective, you just want them to hear you. And you can still walk away after all of that. But with clarity of the fact that people will be how they will be, like they are who they are, everyone is at their own place in their healing. And I think if we can accept that, and understand that, and embrace it too just focus on working through our stuff, you can only really understand someone and hear their perspective to the level that you are open to receiving it. And so if you are somewhat closed off to new ideas, or the opinions of others, or to your own potential or your own inner knowing, you’re not very in tune with your own intuition, I really don’t think you’re going to be open to hearing the perspective of others. But you can walk away with that clarity and knowing that from those conversations was difficult conversations that at the time may make you feel like you didn’t get anywhere. But I have learned that in those times, right? When you have these realizations that I can’t change them, it’s not my job to change them, they are who they are, they’re not going to see things, how I see them, and that’s okay, but then doing what I need to do. Or you can do what you need to do to either put yourself in a different environment, or be the person that you would like them to be for you, right? Be that for yourself,
Don’t Have the Expectation to Change the Person
I don’t know if this is making a whole lot of sense, what I’m trying to really say is that we have no control on how what we say is received. And I mean, there is a way that you can say it without having to say it to their face. And that’s Grief Recovery. And I’ve talked about it many times on this podcast. But when you have to have those conversations, even in groups of dysfunction, don’t have the expectation to change the person, right? You can’t have that expectation, because they’re bringing their stuff, they’re bringing their baggage to that conversation as well. And so the best you can do is find the words and articulate in the best way you can how you feel, and that is your truth. That is the truth, like stick to the facts of how you feel because no one can argue that and then make the changes the necessary changes that you need to make for that situation. But what if you are in a group scenario, like a submarine underwater, or one time you were a child, maybe in that scenario, you will find a way to cope. And it can either be healthy coping, or it can be unhealthy coping, depending on your access. You know, it might be more difficult in a submarine to access alcohol, I’m not even sure or some other advice. But if you’re a child, you might resort to video games or social media, depending on your age, or fighting, or just angry outbursts, or you might actually go inward, you might actually become very shy and introverted, and not really be open to not even being able to look people in the eye, very timid and fearful of the world. And so it can manifest this inability to escape can manifest in many ways for us too when we are carrying our baggage. And our dysfunction with us into these environments, or the outward environment is the dysfunction. But if we have this dysfunction within us, and it’s in our environment, well that’s like a double whammy, where you kind of end up with this dysfunction stew. It’s just a hodgepodge of all of the feelings and the emotions and the experiences and the unaddressed communications, that make up really the energy of who we are, the energy of what we present other people the energy that we project to our environment. And so what happens with grief, especially when it first hits us that first time and maybe the second after the third and the fourth time, because it’s cumulative.
Have Patience in Grief
And as cumulatively negative, we start to get to this point where eventually, we get sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I don’t know if that’s you today as you’re listening to this, I think in all of the conversations I’ve had with grievers through this podcast, we all have this point, this tipping point in our grief, where we do have this for some people it might feel like a moment for others it might feel like this gradual progression or evolution of the grief itself, which was more like the case for me. But in any case, I remember being very impatient with myself and patient with my grief. I just wanted to be over it already. It had already been over 30 years. Like, why can’t I just get over this? This is the messages of society always tells us I had people close to me telling me that it’s been over 30 years, why aren’t you over it? Yeah, just get over it. It’s so much easier said than done, when it wasn’t your experience. And it’s so harmful to say that to people, but what you could say, is have patience with yourself. And what you could say to yourself is I have patience, for my grief, I’m giving myself patience in my grief, because it does naturally evolve. And we do come to a point, we look for those resources. And we become open to the help and we become open to the support. And then things start flooding in, in our environment. And we start hearing maybe about Grief Recovery, we start hearing about Reiki or we start hearing about certain book, or this mentor, or this class, or this support group, or what have you little by little, these things start to come into our environment. But we have to be open to hearing those nudges and feeling those nudges and then acting on them.
You Can’t Unknown What You Know
And so in order to get out of this dysfunction within ourselves, actually, I’ll say it this way, to get out of the dysfunction of our environments, we truly can start with the dysfunction within ourselves. Because with that will come the clarity and the self confidence really with it, with your emotions and your ability to regulate yourself emotionally to get yourself out of those environments, you will have the courage, you will find the courage to get yourself out of those environments. Or if you have no choice but to be in that environment, such as in a submarine underwater, you will develop healthy coping skills and things do things that serve your higher self, and bring you inner peace. And so the message today really is in post traumatic growth, which is another buzzword but it is true. I think there is this awareness, when we have gone through a really difficult challenging grief experience at you’re afraid of things changing, you might be afraid of the awareness you have and you can’t unknow what you know. And so when you learn these things, when you learn what needs to change, when when you learn why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and have an awareness of what you can do about it, you can’t unknow that. So then you almost have to do something about it.
Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds
And so that’s the post traumatic growth, I think that people speak to and that it can be scary to not know what that healing will look like. What will that mean, it might mean you’re cutting off relationships, it might mean you’re losing certain habits or actually like alcohol, let’s say you’re working to rid yourself of the relationship to alcohol, that’s a relationship. And that’s also a habit, right? If it’s part of your life, it’s like you’re losing a part of yourself in a way. And so it’s working through all of those changes and accepting the unknown, of how that may feel. But with support, with guidance, with more tools and knowledge in your toolbox for how to cope and how to deal and how to process you can get through these difficult things and with patience in your post traumatic growth, with patience with yourself. That’s a key ingredient to healing. I wish I could say it happens overnight. But any Griever that’s listening to this knows that’s not true. I personally know that’s not true. Thank you for tuning in today. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
P.S Time doesn’t heal all wounds. It is the action that we take in time that really matters. And we just need to be patient with ourselves in that time, and with the actions that we choose to take understanding that every choice has a consequence. And in action also has a consequence. If you want to listen to more episodes like this you can visit my website theunleashedheart.com or if you want to be connected with me you can visit me on social media like Facebook or Instagram.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Taking a Break From the Grind of Grief
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY
Breaking points – we all have them. But, there are ways you can ride the waves of it without getting pulled down by it.
Resiliency has its limits. And, when you’ve spent years, or even decades, mastering the myths of grief (Don’t Feel Bad, Replace the Loss, Grieve Alone, Be Strong, Keep Busy, and Time Heals), resiliency will only get you so far before you reach a breaking point.
By creating rituals and routines, you create a system to help make better choices in your grief. Maybe it’s going to the grocery store that doesn’t serve alcohol. Or, paying at the pump rather than going inside and buying an obscene amount of lotto tickets or cigarettes. Whatever your vice is, there are systems (rituals and routines) you can devise that support your desire to take a break from the grind of grief. Because, when you resort to those vices or behaviors that make you feel better for a short period of time, you’re left with feeling shame and guilt for having those vices at all. These feelings only add on more grief.
Focusing on feeling better without the use of substances or people and thinking outside the box by making small choices over time is how you create momentum. And with that momentum, you’ll find a system that works, and over time, you’ll find yourself naturally choosing differently for yourself and your well-being.
Emulating these behaviors for children who are grieving will leave a lasting impression and make a positive impact, too. We often hear children are resilient. In reality, children don’t have a choice. Resiliency becomes a coping mechanism. And, because children grow up to be adults, too, it’s easy to see how adult grievers are emulating exactly what they learned as children. And this cycle continues, generation after generation.
We have a choice to create rituals that serve us and those that don’t. Both will give you a break from the grind of grief. But, which one would you rather fall back on? The one that only makes you feel worse or the one that truly helps you push pause, recalibrate, realign, and set you up to make better choices moving forward?
What does an ideal break from the grind of grief look like for you?
RESOURCES:
Crying is Okay and It’s Healing
Hi there. It’s just me, Victoria, your host of grieving voices. And thank you for tuning in. This is the takeaways and reflections episode where I’ll share some deeper insights into the episode I recorded with Kimberly Pittman Schultz Episode 84, finding peace amidst the ashes. And at the time of this recording, earlier in the day, I had recorded with another guest where for the first time in 84 episodes, I pretty much cried through the whole thing through the entire recording nearly the whole thing, but you know what, that’s okay. Crying is okay. And it’s healing. And sometimes you just got to do it. But I bring that up because there was a mother who was speaking about the loss of her child. And I mean, I just was captivated by her story in how she delivered it and articulated it. And the same with Kimberly. But I bring that other episode up because Kimberly talked a lot about taking a break from her grief. And I think that’s so important that we acknowledge what we’re feeling. And yet at the same time, allow ourselves to step away from it for a moment, that doesn’t mean you’re ignoring it, that doesn’t mean you’re stuffing it down, it doesn’t mean that you’re avoiding it. Quite the opposite. It’s giving your mind literally just your mind, which impacts your heart, of course, but literally giving your mind a little bit of a vacation from the hamster wheel of grief. Because it can feel like this downward spiral thought process that can really take you down and impact your health. And so even just 10 minutes step outside like Kimberly described, she would do to stare up into the night sky, give her thanks, listen to the water on the rocks, just brought her a sense of inner peace without her even realizing at the moment what was happening, but feeling the effects of that a short time later. And that’s really kind of what prompted what she ended up writing some about.
Finding Connection in Our Lives
And she had said that joy is about being connected to your life. And to the moment. And I think about that episode I recorded with my guest this morning, in how through the trauma and the grief that her and her family were able to find the joy and be connected to each other in what was happening in embracing their son’s life and his death in the moment. And I wish I could elaborate more on that episode. Look forward to that it will be with Casey Carmona. It’s an episode that is perfect for anyone who is facing hospice care has a loved one facing hospice care, someone that has lost a child, a couple that have lost a child. There’s a little bit of something in there for everyone, of course, like always, because our stories are what connected to each other. Like it’s our stories. That’s where we find connection is in the lives that we’ve lived in the stories that we share. The thing about grief too, is that it starts to tax us not just mentally, emotionally and physically or financially in a lot of cases. But we tend to, you know, have this stoic. I’ve got this. I don’t need support. I don’t need help. I’m strong. And you feel like you have to be strong for everyone around you and for some people who are in a relationship with people or with others who don’t seem to have the same stoicism is that a word? Who tend to flounder under pressure under stress, right? So there’s always those people in our lives that just don’t handle stress or stressful situations or challenging times very well. And that’s okay.
We’re All Wired Differently
There’s no judgment there just some people just seem to be more built emotionally, to handle things or do better under pressure, I guess, not even so much that they’re built better or different, or what have you, but it’s that it’s how you’re wired. We’re all wired differently, right? And just some people are wired for, let’s say, an ER doctor, right? Like, someone that like is a professional chess player, they’re not going to probably be an ER doctor, right? They take time strategy, thought process, they need time to process in their mind, and they’re very much in their heads and in thinking, but you know, as a physician, an ER doctor, and I’m not an ER doctor, but I imagine you have to think on your toes, it’s very high pressure, it’s high stress, you have to be able to really strategize quickly, and problem solve quickly, just not everybody is wired that way. And so when we think about grief, and how differently, we are all wired, we can see how we show up to our grief, and others who are grieving differently too and perhaps this is where we get this idea of resiliency, when we see resiliency and others or we see others who are strong or being strong. Now, again, I’ve talked about it many times that is in a myth of grief, to be strong. And you will often see this in cases of caregiver relationships. Where we’ll say to each other, well, we need to be strong for grandma, right now. She needs us to be strong, you know, just as an example. But there are no specific instructions on how to do that. It is one of those expressions, that sounds good. But it really has no real value. And it’s also one of the most confusing of all ideas relating to loss. So again, when we’re looking at resiliency, and thinking people are being strong, or people are saying they’re being strong, what does that look like? How do you do that there is no manual on how to be strong. And so I think that’s where this idea of resiliency came from, where we see this ability and people to compartmentalize what is happening to put it out of their brain, and to just act to do what they need to do to be the caregiver to be the shoulder for everyone else to lean on. But at some point, and everybody has a breaking point, or are you just one day just absolutely get tired of having to be resilient.
Sharing Our Grief with Our Children
And I think in child Grievers who become adults and I can speak from personal experience where when you don’t have a choice to be resilient, because that’s your coping mechanism. But when you come in become an adult, and you have to make decisions and you are navigating your grief in an entirely different way. You have all this new information and knowledge because you’re an adult now and you’re processing trying to process all these feelings that you experienced in childhood, but the sense of resiliency, it’s you realize and come to know and understand that was just something that was put on you by other people because you had to be strong. And so that’s why in the upcoming episode that’ll eventually will be released with with Casey Carmona, she was talking about her child, her other child who lost his sibling, right? It’s so important that we share our grief with the children in our lives. Because when we emulate healthy grieving the children pick up on those cues and become adults who learn how to grieve well as adults. And this came up in my conversation with Kimberly, that there wasn’t this openness, communication about what happened. In fact, it wasn’t until till she was in her 30s, where she actually found out how the fire started and took her sisters lives, which added on more grief to to her to her life. And so it’s just important that we allow children the opportunity to communicate and share how they are feeling, even if it’s painful for you as the adult or as the parent.
Taking A Break from Your Own Grief
And so what are some things that you can do to help make it easier for the children in your life to communicate their grief? Well, you can take a break from your own grief and learn tools and education and knowledge about how to grieve in a healthy way and a part of that is and is helpful in that is creating routines and rituals about things that nourish you that bring you joy that help give some reprieve to the overwhelming feelings that come in waves. And when they do come allow it because that’s okay. But then learn ways that are right for you to channel that I loved how Kimberly shared the importance of routine. And I found personally that in times of challenge in my life, that I would forego my routine that I would let go of those rituals, it really, I found that that’s really what grounds me in my day to day life. And when that’s taken away, or I don’t prioritize those things for me in the morning, it’s meditation first thing in the morning, sets up the day for me to mentally prepare myself for what’s ahead. And if I am not taking that time to do that for myself, it doesn’t have to be meditation, by the way it can be whatever it is for you, that surrounds you, that makes you feel present in the moment that helps you get out of your own head, like Kimberly, stepping out into the night sky, listening to the water on the rocks, giving things to the stars, maybe it’s taking a walk in the early mornings, where you watch the sunrise, whatever it is for you that can help break up the monotony of grief. And I say the monotony of grief because it can feel like a grind.
Finding Break from Grief
Day after day, it can feel like a grind, and it will grind you down. It will grind you down if you let it but how you start to slowly chip away at it is by making these small, incremental micro steps towards joy, towards healing, moving forward to something that helps you feel better, that’s good for you. I’m not talking alcohol, I’m not talking gambling, I’m not talking shopping, or all of these other STERBS that I’ve talked about many times on this podcast, the short term and energy relieving behaviors that we resort to when we’re feeling the monotony and the grind of grief, we have to be able to have an awareness and recognize when that is not serving us. And I’m going to talk a lot more about systems in our lives moving forward. Because it’s come up a lot lately. I just want to encourage you to think outside the box a little bit.
So I’m going to have you grab a paper and pen and write this down. What are 10 ways I can take a break from grief? And list them journal on it and see what you come up with? Because those answers to that question. Those are the things that will fill you up. That will bring you joy that will serve your spirit and will give you the break from grief that you were probably looking for. I hope you found this helpful. I encourage you to listen to Kimberly’s episode, she had a lot of wisdom to share. She has written a book she talks about that in her episode we talk about how her work has been inspired by her life and the importance of rituals very important when we’re talking about taking a break from grief. So I hope you listen to her episode. And remember, then when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
P.S In order to live in the moment in order to feel connected in our life in with the people in it just as my conversation with Casey today illustrated which I can’t wait for you to hear it. I’m talking it up already. But it’s going to be so good to be able to embrace the light in the dark. This, my friends, is when you find your break from grief. But you have to create that you have to create those moments, you have to create the systems that make it easy to make better choices and decisions for yourself. If you want to listen to more episodes like this you can visit my website theunleashedheart.com or if you want to be connected with me you can visit me on social media like Facebook or Instagram.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | Follow Your Curiosity, Even When Grieving
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY
Curiosity is sorely underestimated. It’s not given headlines or attention, but, in my eyes, it’s responsible for most inventions. Curiosity has led to some of the world’s most significant innovations.
If there weren’t people who allowed themselves to be led by their curiosity, we never would’ve evolved from stick rubbing to flint. Someone, along the way, asked themselves better questions or was open to learning something new.
Grief makes curiosity seem like a luxury. But, what if we took the one thing that helps our society evolve and apply it to our lives at a heart and soul level?
What if you received the idea one day to go to “Google” and search for “grief support” and you do, and you find the one thing that helped you and changed your life?
What if you kept hearing people talk about Reiki and you kept seeing it popping up online or in random places, and you let your curiosity lead you to contact a Reiki Master to explain the whole “Reiki thing” to you. And you take it ten steps further and end up becoming a Reiki Master yourself after never even experiencing a Reiki session yourself? Then, to your surprise, you find that it’s the one thing that helps you maintain balance and protect your energy in support of the grief work you’re doing.
Yes, intuition plays a role, too; going within and being open to the whispers. But, curiosity is where so many great things begin.
When it comes to grief, maintaining your curiosity could be the very thing that leads you to a life-changing program (as it did for me). Don’t shortchange yourself or let fear get in the way.
What message do you want hindsight to say to you in the future?
RESOURCES:
Hey, it’s your host Victoria Volk of the unleashed heart, and you are listening to Grieving Voices. And today is episode 83, considering this is a deeper dive into the previous episode with my mentor Kristin Sherry, who is the founder of YouMap. I really highly recommend you do listen to that episode; I say that on every takeaway episode. But truthfully, I think if you’re listening to the takeaway’s episodes, you’re going to want to listen to the episodes I’m talking about. So anyway, I highly recommend that just to give some more context into what I’m going to be sharing today.
Curiosity is the Engine of Achievement
But I’m going to give like the highlights and again, dive a little bit deeper into career grief and into hindsight. Because hindsight is really this underestimated gift that we have, but it can also feel like torture. So, one of the things that Kristin said was that research shows that those who focus on others are the happiest, but what if, what you’re doing in focusing on others isn’t your calling? or isn’t lighting you up? Or isn’t ticking all the boxes of what you expected for your life? I think at 18 and even maybe 24, I don’t know, early 20s? We still think about what we want to be when we grow up. But you know, my son’s kind of facing that right now. And my kids already talked about it, and they’re 13, 15, and 16. So anyway, it’s been a topic of conversation many times in my home with our kids. And just reflecting on in our conversations on what I wanted to do or what I thought about doing when I was their age. Just the other day, I actually mentioned to my youngest that I wanted to be a marine biologist at one time. I love science. I geek out over it but that’s not how my life went. And we can make all sorts of plans and God just kind of laughs at our plans, doesn’t he? But anyway, it’s so important that we follow our curiosity because it is our curiosity, that I’ve learned, it took me probably until my closer to my 30s for me to learn this, but its important to follow your curiosity because that is what lights you up, that is what gets you excited, whatever you’re curious about, that’s what will set your priorities for the day. It’ll nurture your personality and nurture your essence of who you are. And so, I can’t stress it enough to follow your curiosity, to actually wrote that on the front page of my planner for this year. “Follow your curiosity” as a reminder to myself if I find something interesting. But I have to be careful with the rabbit holes, but because I can get down some pretty deep ones. But if I am curious about, “I wonder if this would work”, or “I wonder if I did that differently”. It’s not even just about what interests you, it’s what sparks an idea in you, or if you have a thought that you hadn’t thought before, and you don’t want to experiment and play with that thought. Especially in business, and as an entrepreneur, we’re always trying to come up with different ways of doing things. And so, it’s following that curiosity, letting that be your guide. You maybe want to pivot your business and see what is that going to look like? What looks to your curiosity to be kind of a glimmer of light in which direction to go.
Every One can Master their Grief
Kristin Sherry developed and came up with this brilliant thing that’s called YouMap. And I am a certified you map coach. I’m proud to say I’m the only certified you map coach, who is also a certified Grief Recovery specialist, who utilizes your map in grief work. And I found that YouMap was the missing piece in the work that I was doing with clients. Especially as I included it in last year’s work with clients. Kind of like as a pilot program, just to see what difference it would make. If it would make any difference at all. After I got certified, for me, it was the missing piece I felt. And so, I wanted to prove it. So, I included it with every one-on-one grief client that I worked with in 2021. And I can say that it was phenomenal for me to better understand them as a client and their grief. To be able to explain, and help them see as a client, the real true impact of their grief amongst their relationships. Because I think so many times if we really don’t understand ourselves, like, why do I keep doing these things? Or why do I keep resorting to those behaviors or, you know, a part of that, in the behaviors that we exhibit in grief is wrapped up in our personality, wrapped up in who we are, and what we value and our strength, right? And so, it is a huge component, for me, to better understand the clients I’m working with. Also helps me to better support my clients and helping them understand how their grief is different from those who are close to them, and how it might be showing up in their life differently than other people they know, who maybe have experienced the same loss.
It also has helped my clients after because grief just disrupts everything in our lives or careers or money, relationships, finances, physical, emotional health, well being. If you’re in a business, it will impact your business. Many people, especially in COVID, have found that they, you know, they call it the “big quit”. And there’s other terms that they’ve called, where people leaving their work as a result of COVID. But people have found what they value in COVID. Time and priorities have shifted. And maybe they’re following their curiosity, or maybe they’re exploring other avenues of providing for themselves. But when we’re deep in grief, as we are in during COVID, for many people on the COVID Grief on top of any other loss or issues you’re experiencing, it’s all compounded. And I would venture to guess that many of these people that are included in the statistics of the big quit, did that is an emotional response. They may not have done that, otherwise, maybe they wouldn’t have had the courage to, or whatnot.
Find Hope and Strength in Your Grief
But I’ve really given some thought too, and wondered, and pondered. I wonder how many of those people are really, definitely sure of what they’re doing or want to do. Because when we are deep in grief, it’s like as if we have a veil over our eyes. And I’ve said this many times before on the podcast that we just don’t see ourselves clearly, we don’t see other people clearly, if we’re in that frame of mind, how can we really truly make a clear decision? a confident decision of our path forward? And so that’s what YouMap has solidified for me, and actually affirmed for me, is that I am on the right path. I am doing what plays to my strengths and what I value. But for many people, they don’t have that, or they don’t experience that. And what YouMap shows them is it becomes their guide, it becomes their compass for making decisions of moving forward. You can be faced with a decision, and you can look back at your YouMap. And well does this align with my strengths? Does this match with my skills and my personality? And how I work and show up in the world? And so, we can really use it to discern big life-changing decisions in our lives. But we can also utilize it to help us better understand ourselves and those around us. I love this quote that Kristin had also shared, “If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are, you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” And that was by Jim Rohn. But isn’t that the truth? And that’s maybe where a lot of people during COVID times with the big quit felt like. “I’m building someone, I’m helping someone else build their empire”, and it’s helping them accomplish their goals. But what are my goals? What do I need? what do I want from my life? And so, I do think that those people who were a part of that big quit really gave that much more thought and realize that maybe they were doing remote work with their employer, and thought, well, this isn’t so bad.
Probably many people possibly also experienced work in a different way that they didn’t think they would like, and then they found they do. Yet, they realize the job isn’t a great match for them anymore. But whatever the case, may be, the landscape in the corporate world and in how we work in this world has dramatically changed. But what hasn’t changed is that there’s still going to be grief there. And that’s still going to impact your work. it’s still going to impact your finances, and your relationships, and your physical and emotional health. And so, if you are not in alignment with what you’re doing in your life, and you’re not feeling fulfilled in your life, it’s going to create even more grief for you. And on that note, I want to bring to your attention, there is a portion of the interview with Kristin, where she talks about this threatened-defend mode. It’s what she called this perception continuum. And it’s a great portion of the interview that I think really helps us better understand why we kind of put our walls up in relationships sometimes. So again, I’m going to recommend that you listen to that episode.
But I just wanted to talk about YouMap a little bit with you. Did you know that only one in thirty-three million people share the same five strengths? Because of this, you likely would never meet anyone with the same five as you. And using your strengths, decreases-stress, increases quality, productivity, and engagement in your work. People who use their strengths at work are three times more likely to say they have good quality of life, and six times more engaged at work. And this is according to Gallup polls, engaged as defined as four and half hours of the day going by unnoticed because one is so focused on what they’re doing at work. And that often happens to me. I’m sitting on my computer, I’m in the zone, I lose track of time. Before I know it, it’s 3 pm and I’m like where did the day go? That’s when I know I am in the flow. I’m utilizing my skills and my strengths. And for me, honestly, that is much of what I do in my business. It really is ticking all the boxes for me. And I want more than anything for other people to experience that too.
Bring Yourself Back To Balance
As I’m going to circle back to COVID because in everything that it’s disrupted our lives. On top of it, you might be homeschooling, you might be caring for an aged parent. And there’s actually few research centers, just over one in eight Americans is both raising a child and caring for a parent. And seven to 10 million people are doing that from long distance. There was a 2012 article called The Boomerang generation, 29% of 25–34-year-olds also live with their parents. I would actually be really interested in learning what it is today, that’s quite an old statistic. I should have looked it up a more recent one, especially with COVID. But I imagine with COVID, it’s probably much, much higher. But with inflation that we have today, as of now it’s January 2022, inflation is on the rise. And that’s kind of a hot-button topic in our news. But I can imagine that statistically, there is a whopping percentage of 25- to 33–34-year-olds that have moved in with their parents if they didn’t, before. So, what do you do if you find yourself in the situation, as I’ve described? Well, there are some questions you can ask yourself, how is the situation changing your life? Specifically, what are the elements of change at hand? And I would actually go through, and I would list all these changes, COVID-19, your feelings, your elders, youth helpers. We have to give each other grace because they’re grieving too, especially with COVID. What challenges do these changes present for you?
You have to use feeling words, you may not feel safe sharing for fear of being judged or thought less of because you have these feelings. But these conflicting feelings are grief. Maybe you feel guilt during these changes. You know, one thing with guilt, it’s not an intent to do harm. Having a job while others don’t, wishing the situation was different, better or more for friends or loved ones. If you have people in your life who’ve maybe lost everything, I know I do. I have people who are on my heart and my thoughts and my prayers because their situation is very different from mine. But I can’t feel guilty about not being in that situation. It isn’t the right word, right? Because I’m not intending to do harm. Someone who commits a murder, that was an intent to do harm. They are guilty because they did harm. Another question, what are your choices? Many feel powerless. But that’s not. That can’t change the big picture. But you can take 1% responsibility for how you respond. Look for and brainstorm choices, get creative.
Again, follow your curiosity, evaluate boundaries. So many of us lack boundaries or don’t even know a boundary if it’s slapped us in the face. I think once we work through our grief, our grief is what shows us where we didn’t have boundaries, or where we need boundaries. That was true for me. You can even make small choices. Making these small choices every day helps you get your power back. And for me, my small choices every morning, that is me. That is for me. That is my time. That is my physical mental emotional health is number one. And that the start of the day, that’s a small choice that I’ve had to make amidst the end of 2021. It was a terrible way for the year to go out. I’ve mentioned it before, that my son had an accident, weightlifting and we’re in and out of the hospital. Pretty much most of November and December, I didn’t finally feel like I could breathe and relax until probably two and a half weeks ago, three weeks ago, probably the second week in January. So, it’s really the first thing that went out the window was my self-care, my meditation. When that happened, I completely stopped meditating. My self-care was no longer my priority. But you know what, I paid the price for that. I ended up with COVID two weeks after I stopped meditating. I had COVID and that was amidst everything that was going on with my son. And so, stress is a huge indicator to us and how our bodies respond to that stress is a huge indicator too, of a red flag, to hold on, and stop the bus. You need to address this. You need to do something about this. And so, again, with all of the grief that compounds, it’s just so very important to ask yourself these these questions and make the changes necessary to bring yourself back into balance again.
And I would be remiss if I didn’t say that with COVID, and all the losses that people have experienced that there are a lot of people walking around. Maybe even you, that have undelivered communications. People may have died, or they might be living, but because of COVID, you can’t see them, or you don’t have that deep connection like you did, like two years ago, or two years into this crazy thing. Anything, or any relationship where you wish things were different or had been different, or that they would be better or more. Those things are the undelivered communications that we have in our relationships with people, whether they’re living or dead. And if we’re not feeling aligned in what we are doing, that just adds to all of our suffering. And I would just like to say, if there’s anything you take away from this episode is that suffering is optional. For me, I thought suffering was inevitable for the rest of my life. Being a Griever for over 30 years. That’s what I’ve known. It’s all that I knew. And it’s all that I thought I would ever know. But I can tell you, after doing so much inner work and personal development, that is absolutely not true. It couldn’t be further from the truth. If you have hope in your heart today, I encourage you to reach out to me or someone you know, who you feel could be a safe heart with ears, for you.
P.S. You may notice that it’s a takeaways and reflections episode, and I’m trying something new, where I’m going to follow up each guest interview with a takeaways episode instead of doing two guest interviews, and then a takeaways episode. Because I want to be able to give each episode that I do then record with a guest. I want to be able to dive a little bit deeper into the topics that we talk about things that come up in addition to my reflections, but I would like to go just a little bit deeper on those things. And so, to do that, without it becoming another hour-long episode are feeling like 13 minutes is like I’ve just skimmed the surface, which often is what happens, I’m just trying something new. So, we’ll see how it goes. I might switch back. I don’t know, I might start switching things up completely, maybe doing some more solo episodes. I’m not sure. I would definitely love some feedback if you like the conversations with the guests. If you just prefer those, I don’t even have to do a takeaways episode. But yeah, if you could please shoot me an email and share your thoughts with me, that’d be greatly appreciated, [email protected]. I would love to know what you think. This is your podcast, by the way, and I do this for you.
In fact, I recently added a heart with ears session onto my website. It’s a 60-minute session, you can find it at www.theunleashedheart.com and then go under Services. And you will see a heart with ears click on that. And you scroll down to the page. There’s a button where you can learn more on that page. Also, there’s a button there to schedule and purchase. If that is something you are needing in the near future. It is something that I can do to support Grievers who maybe go to a therapist, who want to dive deep into the grief aspect. Or maybe you’ve never sought out therapy. And you just kind of want to understand your grief better. There are many different scenarios that would be a great fit for that type of session. All of that information is on my webpage that talks about it. And so, I encourage you to check that out if you’re needing some additional support right now.
And go back to Episode 82 with Kristin Sherry, career grief, and the gift of hindsight. Well, I think we all know that Hindsight is 2020, right? And 2020 seems like forever ago. It’s just been crazy that we’ve been riding this roller coaster for so long. It’s been two years going on. So anyway, I can support you through this podcast through a heart with ears session, through Grief Recovery work. I will be relaunching my one-on-one work as I will be making some changes to that program. And so, look for those details to come in the near future. But in the meantime, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
