Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | The Energy of Grief
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
We have more agency over our physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies than we would like to admit.
Admitting that we have power and control over ourselves is admitting that it’s also our job to do something about the issues that plague our physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies.
The energy of grief can be like cancer and invade every fiber of your being. It can destroy your relationships, finances, will, and break your spirit. But, what it can’t do is choose for you. You always have a choice.
In this episode, I talk about the energy of grief and I ask you to challenge the long-held beliefs that may be the very thing that could be keeping you emotionally stuck.
Life is so much harder when you go it alone. But, you don’t have to and this episode also shares an idea to explore if a deeper connection, not only to others but also yourself, is what you long to feel.
Care to explore your emotional energy more deeply? Check out my contact info below to look into Reiki Energy Healing. What do you have to lose?
RESOURCES:
Thank you for tuning in to this week’s episode of grieving voices. This is Episode 81: Takeaways and Reflections, “The Energy of Grief”, where I’ll be talking about episode 79 with Corchele Smith, and Episode 80 with David Richman.
Be Open to Healing
I am titling this one, “The Energy of Grief”, because it came up during my conversation with Corchele. She had lost her infant, full-term baby. And tragically, it could have been prevented. I suggest listening to that if you’ve experienced child loss at full term, or any infant loss for that matter, miscarriage or what have you. Because we get into a lot about her faith and how she navigated that loss, which took her several years to find her way out. And she said you can’t get out of those low vibrational feelings by yourself. You have to have something to connect to, to really pull yourself out. And I often find with Grievers and even myself, we often find our purpose through our pain. Or we look for a purpose in our pain. And if we have a really difficult time finding it, maybe we didn’t really know what our purpose was before our loss occurred. We look to create meaning or find meaning within that pain, and Corchele found herself creating meaning from that loss of her daughter by reflecting on what it was that served her the most and helped her to really confront the pain of that loss and make it through the difficult days.
And that’s where her, organization, Because of Breklyn, was born in creating teddy bears for grieving mothers or fathers who find themselves leaving with empty arms from the hospital. One of the things that Corchele shared that helped her in her grief was a medium reading. And I know everyone has their own beliefs around mediums. But I think if a skillful medium can help you connect to the energy and the consciousness of your loved one, they can bring messages to you that may be very healing. And, of course, Corchele did find healing in that session with the medium. And also, in Reiki and energy healing, so much so that she became a Reiki Master. And so, I think it’s being open to other avenues or other means of healing that you just may not have considered before. And if you take anything from this episode, it’s to maybe challenge those beliefs and ask yourself, what do I have to lose? If it doesn’t help you or you don’t feel like you connect to that source of healing, then that’s okay. But you tried, right? And I think that’s a part of grief that so many misses. That you just sit and wallow in the tears, and there’s a time for that. Don’t get me wrong, there is an absolute time for that. But if you truly want to feel better and you do want to heal those parts of you that just feel so stuck emotionally. It’s healthy to consider all of your options and maybe try a few. And you never know it might end up changing your life. Reiki changed Corchele’s life for the better. The medium experience changed her life for the better. I can personally attest to the Grief Recovery method, it changed my life for the better, as did Reiki. Several different healing modalities that I’ve experienced myself, sound healing, chakra healing. There’s so many different means of creative expression for healing that people bring to the world to be of service. And I think in grief, it does require a level of openness, to be able to receive that healing. But again, you have to be ready to receive. If you’re not, it’s not going to do harm. But it can be an experience that truly does change your life.
Sometimes, what changes your life is your own awareness around your own energy and waking up and asking yourself a better question. And that is exactly what happened with my guests, David Richmond in Episode 80, he asked himself, “Who do you want to be? Who do I want to be?” And the answer to that was not who he was living up to be in his life. I think so many of us have a measuring stick of our lives and where we would hope to be a year from now. And that year comes and passes, and we look back and wish would have done this, that or the other thing. And those feelings create grief in our lives, feelings of regret, and remorse. It could even impact our self – confidence and all areas of our lives. And so, when we are reactive to life, rather than intentional, we put ourselves in risk of grief, of self sabotage. And so many of us find ourselves doing things because we have to. And we always think so often that the best days are behind us. And I’ve been there. I, too, have been there.
Deeper Conversations leads to Deeper Connections
And that’s what I loved so much about my conversation with David. He was really opened to sharing tips and things that he learned to navigate those grief experiences. So that, many of us often don’t talk about in our day-to-day conversations. We tend to have these surface-level-conversations with people that we’ve known for years. But if we just asked each other, maybe some deeper questions we would learn, we would get deeper answers from people and really get a better understanding of those with whom we keep company. And I think too, by having those conversations with each other, it kind of diffuses those grief-causing-feelings that we may have about our own lives. David had said, keep moving, because if you don’t keep moving, you get caught up in the story. And that, I think in conversation if we apply that not just to the physical aspect of our lives, but also the emotional and the communicative part of who we are. The parts of us that really desire connection with people, if we can keep those relationships moving in. How do we do that? well with deeper connection, and How do we do that? well, with deeper questions. I think it dispels these myths that we have about ourselves, these feelings that we take in as truth for ourselves. But when others are in our company, they know they’re not true. But us personally, we can’t see the label from inside the jar. And so, it’s beneficial to have these deep conversations with others because you see yourself. What you share is reflected back to you by that other person with whom you’re having this deep conversation with. And I think that’s what so many of us are craving now, its deeper conversation and deeper connection. But we can’t get there if we just maintain this surface-level stuff. If we don’t really dig into the energy of grief with each other. I think too, that’s why people are so afraid to ask someone if they’re struggling. Like just coming out and ask, “have you thought about harming yourself?” because the answer to that can be very terrifying for the person asking because what are you going to do? And I would suggest that you do have a plan, if you’re going to ask someone that question, but even just asking that question can feel like such a relief to that person, because you’re not going to put anything in their head that they already haven’t thought about by asking that question. And in fact, like I said, I feel like it would disarm it, kind of help them, bring the armor down, and maybe connect more deeply with you, the person leaning in, and having the conversation that you may be afraid to have. And there is an aspect of that, that requires you to be vulnerable, of course. But by being vulnerable, first, you give the other permission to do the same.
Connect with Someone that Believes in You
And so, there were some tips that David had given during our conversation. And I do highly recommend you listen to those one of my favorites. But one thing he said was accountability, it’s like a scoreboard. I read some time ago, there are people who feel more accountable to themselves, and then there are people who feel more accountable to others. Actually, I think that might have been during David’s episode. So again, I suggest you listen to that. So, you can hear that bit of it. But find someone who believes in you. That’s another one of his tips. You know, it’s the positive emotion that lingers. And I think if we have those people around us that help keep us accountable, that aren’t afraid to ask the deeper questions, that believe in you. That is what people can latch on to, who may be struggling, that might give them hope. Really, it’s about balance in the energy because if we have so much of this low-vibrational stuff going up going on inside of us, it creates physical symptoms, it creates manifests as emotional outbursts. And you know, we might revert to behaviors or look to something else to make us feel better, when really maybe a deep connection with someone would be the antidote for that.
P.S. So, I hope you found something useful in today’s episode, something that you can maybe implement in your life listening to David’s episode number 80, and 79 with Corchele. And take something from what they share and something from this episode. Maybe walk away today and ask someone a deep question and give them your time and attention to hear the deep answer. That’s for today’s episode, please reach out to me on social media. Find me on Instagram at theunleashedheart, send me an email [email protected] if you do share with me what your experiences are, I would love to hear it. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | Be Open to Receiving
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
What is grief?
Grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
Grief is anything we wish would be different, better, or more.
And, no one has to die for you to grieve.
Also, because there are more than 40+ losses, it’s a safe bet that you and every person you meet is or has experienced grief.
We are taught how to acquire things (or people). We’re not taught what to do when we lose them. Today’s episode is about the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations, and how our individual beliefs play a role in how we respond to grief.
Today’s episode is also about seeking the truth and the evidence of what we don’t fully understand, and how our findings can lead us to the most impactful life lessons.
Be open to receiving the message in today’s podcast and, I encourage you to explore, more deeply with self-love and compassion, whatever it brings up for you.
RESOURCES:
Thank you for tuning in to another episode of grieving voices. Today is the takeaways and reflections episode, and I’ll be talking about episode 76 with Katie Carroll, the best things in life aren’t planned and episode 77 with Bob Ginsberg a quest for truth. I’d like to start with episode 76 with Katie Carroll, I titled it “The Best Things in Life Aren’t Planned”. But I would also say that the worst things in life aren’t planned either. And that’s been my experience in my personal life, as of late and I talked about it in the November 30th takeaways and reflections episode, grief shared his grief diminished.
Disappointments Gives Us an Opportunity to Grow
And what I shared was, my son had had a weight bench pressing accident. Well, it’s been five weeks now as of today recording this. And he just got out of the hospital a couple days ago. I guess basically, out of the five last five weekends, he’s been in the hospital, a portion of four of them. So, we’re hoping to be done with hospitals for a little while. He seems to be doing really well. We won’t know for a couple more weeks if he will need surgery or not. But in the meantime, we’re hoping for an uneventful time in between. And just a really nice time with family, which, after the month, little over a month that we’ve had. I could go for some more boring, to be honest. So, I’m hoping that the next few weeks are just incredibly boring.
But you know, when we talk about plans, and we want to make plans. That’s one of the things that Katie mentioned in her episode, she said, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”. And that’s one of the things that I’ve really had to learn myself as of late last, as I shared because I’ve had to basically plan week by week, essentially, even sometimes day by day. Everything with my business had kind of gone on the backburner. Although, I have maintained this podcast, but with the help of my VA have also maintained some sort of presence on social media. I’m not active on it, but I’m still getting content produced and my newsletters still going out. But I’ve stepped away from the blog for a little while, which I’m thankful for, that little break from that. But we don’t know or learn how to acquire things, maybe even people, we’re not taught what to do when we lose those things, or we lose those people. And I think that’s a part of plans too, is that we’re not taught how to deal when our plans don’t go as we hoped, or the hopes and dreams that we have for our lives if they don’t work out. We’re not taught how to deal with those things. We’re not taught how to process those emotions that come with the loss of those experiences.
And for Katie, she’d always felt in her heart that she’d be a mother. As a child, she loved pretending that she was a mom, and always aspired to be a mom. And when she thought about her future, she saw herself as a mother. And when she found herself single at 42, she still had this hope that it would possibly happen. And she did meet somebody, but she had equated not ever getting married to not ever having children with an unworthy life. And I’m incredibly sad that we sometimes put so much emphasis or weight on an identity that society places on us or that because of the societal pressures we place on ourselves. And just like she said, everybody would say, your time will come when she was always a bridesmaid never a bride. I think that there is a lot of growth that she experienced because of these constant disappointments. I think that she experienced, when she realized with every relationship that didn’t work out the way she had hoped.
That it really just brought her closer to who she truly knew who she was. And that she was a caring, loving individual that had so much love to give. And she realized this, “that I can give all my nephews, all of the love”, like the nieces and nephews in her life, she can give them all the love that she has in her heart. And in the work as a pediatric nurse, she can give the children she cares for, all of the love in her heart. And my son was several times now he’s been on the pediatric floor in the hospital, and the nurses just have an unbelievable sense of care and are so good to my son. And I just had so much appreciation for nurses. They genuinely seem to love and enjoy working with kids and in doing the job that they’re doing. But I can see too where burnout can be a real have a real impact on on that career.
But I just want to give a shout out if you’re a nurse, and to Katie, if you’re listening to this, thank you for being a nurse, thank you for giving your love and care to the rest of society and to someone else’s children, as if they were your own. So that’s my gratitude that I have today. And I wish all you nurses out there I very, very merry Christmas, as this will be airing the week of Christmas.
Expectations are Planned Disappointments
But I do encourage you to listen to Katie’s episode, because I think even if you don’t identify as a single person, or someone who’s looking for love. I think that there is a lot to her story. In these expectations we place on ourselves or on our lives. And often there’s disappointment that comes with that. We say in Grief Recovery that expectations are planned disappointments. At least I think that’s where I first heard that, but it’s very true. We don’t necessarily learn the tools and aren’t equipped with the tools to deal with these expectations that ultimately become disappointments. I do hope you listen to episode 76 with Katie Carol, that best things in life aren’t planned. And I believe that you will maybe hear a little bit of your own story in what she has to share. And if you don’t, well then, I think you’ll have a little bit more compassion for those who may not have children. And we don’t know the story behind everyone’s eyes. We just never know what people are struggling with and, you know, we see the world through the lens of our own personal experience. And so maybe just express and have a little compassion for those that may not have children and don’t make assumptions and don’t make judgments. And we just don’t know the story behind people’s lives. So, listen to that.
Grief Changes Shape, But it Never Ends
And then also episode 77 With Bob Ginsburg a quest for truth. We talked about looking for the evidence of the afterlife and how he was on a quest for that truth. After the death of his daughter, what struck me about his story was how he shared that his wife actually had a premonition about something terrible that was going to happen the day that their daughter and son had been in a serious car accident that claimed their daughter’s life and landed their son in the emergency room. He did survive. But he said, you know, very often trauma and loss are a trigger for self exploration, you reevaluate everything in your life. And that’s essentially what happened to Bob and what he shared in his story. He was very materialistic, he said, he was all about the success in his business and career and his life. And they had the toys, and they took the vacations and all of those wonderful things that helped to support their lifestyle. But he said, when she passed away, none of that mattered. Absolutely, none of it mattered. He couldn’t care less, basically, is what he had said. And he really dives deep into what that exploration was like for him. He was all about the science. He wanted the science to prove that he wanted the evidence. He was looking for the evidence and the truth that his daughter was still somehow consciously here. He knew, obviously, she wasn’t in the physical form, but that there was something after death that would help him to connect and feel connected and to know that he was feeling connected. And so, we really explored what that has looked like over the years for him, and how that really shaped the work that he does today.
Even after the path passing of his wife in 2020 to cancer, he shared a perfect golden nugget of wisdom that he feels his wife, or that his wife actually did share when she on her deathbed. And just in the moment he shared, it just really got to me, in an emotional way. So, you’ll have to listen to that episode to know what I’m talking about. But it really touched me what she had shared with him on her deathbed. And I just really enjoyed learning more about the Forever Family Foundation, which is a not for profit that educates on the evidence that we are more than our physical bodies. And it wasn’t really an area that I explored until essentially going through Grief Recovery. And probably even more so after Reiki, like the spiritual aspect of energy and the afterlife. And all of those things.
Everyone Grieves Differently
I had Sirry Bernsen, she is a medium that was certified through the Forever Family Foundation or are vetted to the Forever Family Foundation. And if you want a vetted, medium, the Forever Family Foundation website is the place to go. So, check out that episode to look in the show notes to find the links for all of that, but I just really hope you listen to that episode because I think that a good medium like episode coming up Corchele Smith, we actually talk about her experience a little bit about seeing a medium, that can be very healing for some people in grief. And it’s not the end all be all. It’s not necessarily for everybody, and that’s okay. And if it’s not for you, I hope you don’t judge those that seek that for healing, because we are all on a journey that is unique to us, and that includes our grief. And we find relief, and we find solace and healing that is very individual for each of us. And so just I hope you listen with an open mind. And that’s really what I think Bob mentions that set him apart in a way that he was open minded. He really was septic in a way, but he was still open minded. He wanted the science and the evidence and he followed the evidence where it led him. He was part of the Forever Family Foundation, which was a part of the Netflix Docu series “Surviving Death”, which I’ve had Dr. Chris Kerr on who is an end of life, hospice physician, and Sirry Berndsen was also on featured on that Netflix Docu series, I think, as part of the Forever Family Foundation’s part of that.
But again, I think that we can be skeptic, but we can be open minded. And I just think that there is much that we don’t know, and we don’t understand. And if we can open our hearts to possibility, we might just be surprised by what we find. And we can often find ourselves being led to healing in ways we least expect. You don’t know what you don’t know. But also, we don’t know that we have an opportunity there if we don’t open ourselves to it. We have to be open to a new experience or a new belief or a new understanding. I think sometimes we can challenge our beliefs and be pleasantly surprised, or we can walk away feeling affirmed. But either way we’re learning right? So, I don’t think there’s any anything lost in having an open mind and an open heart. I hope you keep that in mind as you listen to that episode, and maybe perhaps, exploring the other podcast episodes that I mentioned.
But I do agree with Bob, that trauma and loss are the catalyst for self exploration, where we can really have the opportunity to, again, challenge our own beliefs, look into our own selves. And what we find is important and what matters. I’ve had my own moments as of late, just given what we’ve experienced with our son. But yeah, it’s a journey for sure. I want to leave you today with the knowing that regardless of what life throws at you, there are tools out there, there are means of support. There are people out there who are loving, who are caring, who care about you, who love you, and who are invested in helping you to become an even brighter, lighter version of who you already are. That is what my hope is and my work that I do with Grievers. That is, I believe what you will find and working with, you know, a certified medium, and it is what you might find and discover within yourself that even when things don’t go as planned, beautiful things can still find their way to you if you’re open to receive. So, maybe that is the message for today being open to receiving the dark and the light, because without the dark, we really don’t know the light. And that is where I think we dig deep and find what we’re really made of. So, digging deep and finding what we’re made of.
P.S. That’s today’s episode. Please reach out to me on social media. Find me on Instagram at theunleashedheart, send me an email [email protected] if you do share with me what your experiences are, I would love to hear it. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | Grief Shared is Grief Diminished
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
This week, I share a bit of my heavy heart as I share my reflections around sharing our grieving voices – including my own.
This podcast has enabled me to be a heart for ears for many guests, including Emma G. and Anne. However, this week’s episode is also inspired by my grief in real-time.
Since 11/14, life has been day-to-day, not knowing what the future will hold for our son. As of this episode going live, he is in the hospital (for the second time after initially being admitted) with an infection after having a traumatic blunt force injury to his abdomen while bench-pressing. He’s fortunate. And, if he’s even luckier, he won’t need surgery; however, that would take a miracle. His pancreas is sliced with a little more than 30% good pancreas left. He has a stent in place to ensure the good side of his pancreas is draining. He also has a drainage port in the middle of his abdomen to drain the pancreatic juices excreted from the sliced-off portion of his pancreas. Right now, we are in a wait-and-see phase, with surgery likely down the road.
When life decides to…well, life – so much of our routines and day-to-day lives are upended. Grief is the end of or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. Because of this, we experience grief as a result.
Think about all of the changes to our behaviors and activities Covid-19 has brought. Changes outside of our lives that contribute to our day, still are changes. Add in a family unit crisis or health struggle, and all of those little creature comforts that are changed add to the grief one may feel due to heavier life issues. And not to mention the fear that rears its ugly head.
No matter what you’re going through today, I hope you have a heart with ears. May we share our grief with one another so the load becomes lighter because grief shared is grief diminished.
RESOURCES:
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. I’m your host Victoria Volk. And this is the takeaways and reflections on episode 73 with Emma G Rose, his name is Nikki, and episode 74 with Ann Jacobs, a follow up to a previous recording that we did several months back just to see how she’s doing and checking in and I will continue to do those episodes within as long as I have this podcast. And as long as she’s willing to share her story of in her progress of where she’s at.
Talk About Your Grief
So today, this is going to be a very quick episode. Because as I’m recording this, my son is in the hospital with a very serious injury. And the next three weeks will determine if he requires surgery or not. And it’s a very risky surgery because it’s his pancreas. He had had a weightlifting accident 185-pound weight bench bar came down on his abdomen, and which compressed his pancreas into his spine. And his spine severed his pancreas in half. So, it’s a very serious injury. He’s doing well right now he’s got a dream put in. And we’re hoping that with that, the inflammation and fluid that’s draining and everything else combined, that he will, you know that inflammation, everything going down that it will hopefully begin to heal itself. That is the miracle that we need. Because surgery is very risky. And it also opens up a lot of other possible complications. So, if we don’t have to cut open his abdomen, that would be ideal. The thought that came to my mind when I was, I mean this was quickly I’m recording this before I get back on the road, actually to go back to the hospital where he’s at, which is about three and a half hours away came home to spend a little time with our daughters and take care of some things here. But I just thought I needed to record something real quick, obviously, because I needed an episode for next week.
But the message I want to share today is grief shared as grief diminished. And I had a tsunami of grief hit me yesterday. And this is grief I’ve never experienced and it’s so difficult when it’s your child going through something that you feel so helpless. And I commend all those parents out there who endure this feeling for weeks or months or even maybe even years on end. This is a very different kind of grief. Grief. I never, I can’t even when I describe his incident, I can’t even believe I’m describing what happened. It’s so rare. It’s just so rare. And I joke with a friend of mine, how I just seem to be a magnet for odd duck things. And I’ve said this for a couple years, just odd duck situations. And this really this one takes the cake, this is really an odd duck situation. And but the miracle is that he will heal. And in my message grief shared his grief diminished is really the whole idea behind this podcast because I bring people on my show who really just want to share their story, who want to be heard, and their feelings validated. And to know that there is an army of people who understand grief and are really just looking for a heart with ears. And I’ve been that for many people and its what lights me up. So maybe you’re my heart with ears today.
Fear of Losing Someone
It was my honor to be Emma’s heart with ears, as she shared her story of her cousin Nikki who took his own life and the impact that he had on her life and continues too. And I think we don’t really recognize the impact that people really have in our lives until something tragic happens until we’re faced with life without that person, the “what could have been”, which is I agonized over that for a couple days, because had that bar landed anywhere else it could have killed him. Instantly his heart, if it would have landed on his chest, his throat, I mean, but that’s agonizing. That’s torturing yourself. And so, I’ve quickly redirected those thoughts because he is here. And he is still got a sense of humor at times and sarcastic, and reminding me that I can be overbearing, and in making sure that he’s comfortable, not been shy about telling us he needs a space. I can’t imagine what he feels he’s been through something very traumatic. And it’s hard. It’s really hard. It’s hard to love and feel helpless, and it’s hard to love when you lose someone, I guess what comes to mind for Emma, what she shared and what many of others have shared is that it just that whole idea about loss itself is that we are taught how to acquire things, but we’re not taught what to do when we lose them. And yesterday, when this tsunami of grief hit me, for anyone today, who maybe experienced a loss of someone they love, we aren’t taught what to do when when we do, but that was what Grief Recovery is the gift of Grief Recovery for me. It is the way to address what is emotionally incomplete. I am reminded that there are many things that probably I thought that I have not shared with my son, you know, positive things, you know, and here I sit, and I have this ability to share now what’s on my heart. And so, we all do, we all have that ability to do that. I don’t know, we’re afraid of how it will be received, or or something I’m not sure but and has been a huge inspiration to me. I just can’t imagine 17 years with with cancer roaring through your body, and she is a warrior. And it’s a very beautiful episode, that one I recorded with her. I really hope you listen to the first one, listen to the follow up. She is an inspiration. Her story is one of tenacity and grace that she’s had to learn to give herself and others. We all plan our lives. And we have our planners, and we plan for the week ahead, or the month ahead, or vacation six months from now, or nine months from now, or what we want to launch next year, or in six months or whatever that timeframe is and can you imagine planning your life in quarters at a time, two to three months at a time because that’s what she has to do. She gets a PET scan, and if it’s good, she can plan for two to three months because before her next PET scan it might be different. And this walking on eggshells feeling, is holding your breath feeling of just not knowing. I’m just reminded of how I feel. I will proceed these next three weeks. And in some fashion, I’ll be holding my breath praying for a miracle and holding my breath. I wish I could dive into more on each episode. But my mental capacity isn’t quite there.
But I think the main message I wanted to share today is that grief shared as grief diminished. And like Emma shared is that when she reaches out to people, if they’re ready in our open, they’ll reach back. And I’ve had so many people reach out and I’ve been on a mission to give as much prayers to my son as possible. And so that’s why I’m recording and sharing this because I want more prayers for my son, more healing vibes for my son. And so just please imagine his pancreas just coming together as it should.
Thank you for being my heart with ears today. And reach out to someone so that maybe they reached back. And if you’re grieving, share your grief with someone because grief shared his grief diminished. If you’re listening to this, please send your positive vibes and healing to my son, his name is Xavier. Thank you for listening. Remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love my friend.
Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | Grief & Missed Opportunities
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
The one thing I found that my guests Marty Cooper and Ken Ross have in common is that they both embody optimism.
Marty can’t imagine life without learning and without feeling hope for the future. While Ken, in all of his traveling and adventures, never worries about potential adverse outcomes.
Both are optimistic in their way, and both are wonderful examples of what it means to live a life that you’d do over again and not be bored.
This is why these two episodes fit perfectly to dig into the topic of grief as it relates to missed opportunities. Because, I bet neither Marty nor Ken can imagine what their life would be like, or would have been like all these years, had they not jumped feet first into opportunities and taken a chance (on themselves or others).
While deep in grief, we often can’t see the opportunities before us. Throughout various milestones or phases of our lives, we may not be open to opportunities due to timing or simply aren’t ready. And deep in grief, even if we recognize an opportunity when we see it, we’re so often feeling beaten down, we simply don’t have the energy, mental fortitude, or the tenacity to take a chance on ourselves and jump on those opportunities.
RESOURCES:
Hello, friends. Hello, grievers, and hello supporters of grievers. Thank you for listening, and thank you for being here today, and giving your time, energy, and attention to grieving voices. I am your host Victoria Volk of the Unleashed Heart. And today I’m going to talk about the recent episodes 67 with Marty Cooper, and 68 with Ken Ross. And I had already recorded about 25 minutes of this podcast when I went to close another program, and I accidentally close the one I used to record. And so, the whole recording just went, poof, gone. So, I don’t know if this is going to come out exactly the same. Actually, I know I won’t, but I hope I can get across what I was so happy to get across in the first recording.
Optimism is the Faith that Leads to Achievement
So anyway, such as life, Episode 67 with Marty Cooper, if you haven’t listened to it, I know I recommend it on every takeaway and reflection episode to listen to the episodes and talking about, but it is such a lighthearted episode. And what I loved about Marty Cooper, when I saw him on CBS Sunday morning, was his optimism. I could feel it through the TV, I just found myself so curious about him, and wanted to learn more really about the process of what it was like to invent the cell phone. I still cannot believe I had the inventor of the cell phone on my podcast. But what does that have to do about grief? Well, when I was thinking about asking him, it was his optimism that really drew me to him. And I also know that in creation, in ideation, and putting thoughts and ideas into action, and bringing them to reality, there’s often a lot of failure in that. And there’s often some grief that comes along with that as well. And the one thing that struck me about Marty is that it took 10 years for this idea. He had to improve what already somewhat existed in the bag phone that people had to be in their cars to use. And he just took that a step further. And he thought there has to be something better that you can use, not just when you’re in your car, and not just when you’re in your home with a corded phone that most people had in their homes at the time. And so, he developed the first model, and the rest is history. So, they say but it took 10 years until he actually made that first phone call with that first cell phone. And I just find his story fascinating. I find him fascinating. And I find his optimism infectious. And so, I just wanted to share him with my audience. And selfishly, I wanted to personally speak with him to the foundation of Marty’s life. And what he shared is in his episode is that learning has been the foundation of his life. And truth be told, I don’t think the cell phone would exist if that wasn’t the case for him. And I don’t think that would be the case, if for many inventions or new technology or new advances in the medical field.
Take Pride in How Far You’ve Come
If people wouldn’t take an idea and run with it and see where it leads them and be open to learning along the way. And with being open to learn also comes being open to fail, and won’t being open to fail also entails is maybe putting yourself outside of your comfort zone and taking some risks. And I have never been one that’s been afraid of taking risks or taking chances or putting myself out there some ways it’s harder for me than others. But I’ve learned so much of what I know today because I took chances, and I took risks. And I was open to learning along the way. And I was also open to failure. But the foundation of it, like Marty says is learning. I had asked him a question too, and I can’t remember exactly how I worded it or what it was. But he said that he was unable to put himself in the shoes of someone who was unable to envision a better future. And I think that’s probably the mindset of an inventor. But he said if people need to take pride in what they’re doing, people that can’t envision a better future. He sees that as someone who doesn’t take pride in what they’re doing, who has difficulty coming up with new ideas who don’t really have any ideas, or don’t do things that bring them pleasure. And so, if we look at that a little further, it’s the opposite of that enable to envision a better future, you have to take pride in what you’re doing. You should take pride in what you’re doing. Because if you’re not, perhaps, it’s not the thing you should be doing. Perhaps, it’s not something that’s aligned with who you are. And if you have trouble with that in your life right now, like you’re doing something that’s not aligned with who you are or you feel like you’re really struggling with your purpose or you really want to do meaningful work. But you’re not doing that, I recommend that you check out my website because there and look up under services under “You” map I will put a link in the show notes. But I think when we take pride in what we’re doing, it’s inspiring to us, we’re inspired by our own work, therefore we would have new ideas. We would be inspired with new ideas, and we would be doing something that brings us pleasure.
Learning Outside the Box
And by going and doing other things that bring you pleasure, even just going to the beach or being out in nature or trying something new, like an improv class to help you get out of your comfort zone and to help you to be more expressive. And maybe more easily communicate with others if you’re kind of on the shy side like like I am, which is why podcasting is perfect for me because I thrive more so in one-on-one conversation. But if you put me in a group, I kind of turn into a wallflower. In a way I’ll kind of just gravitate to one or two people. And that’s usually what I do. Actually, it was a recommendation of a guest I recently recorded with how to really kind of get yourself out of your comfort zone and and get more comfortable with those things is to take an improv class. And I thought that was perfect. It’s a wonderful solution to help you expand and grow and learn about yourself. It may not feel good or sound good the idea of it, but I think after you experience it and realize, “oh, that wasn’t so hard”, you might look at it like “oh, that was actually kind of fun”, maybe take that suggestion and go sign up for an improver people, or we can have for other people, or that exists in society of people who are unlike ourselves, and it comes back to that learning piece again, be class. What’s the worst that can happen? Right? So, I think all of that just embodies someone who is able to envision a better future, who is open to learning and growing. And I had asked him what breaks his heart, and he said, your rationality breaks his heart, this intolerance that we often have for other because he said, we all have something to teach someone else, therefore, we all have something to learn from one another.
Wisdom is the Reward of Experience
And I had an “aha” moment, the first time I was recording this, and I shared it in that recording that is now disappeared. But I’ll share it again. I’ve always been drawn to people older than me that my elders and it’s probably why I went to work as a CNA, certified nursing assistant, in a nursing home in high school. But I realize just in recording this, that I didn’t grow up with grandparents, my grandmother passed away a year before my dad, I was seven. My grandfather had passed away the year I was born, so, I didn’t know him. And my grandparents on my father’s side, the grandfather passed away when I was younger, and my grandmother passed away when I was in adulthood. But I didn’t know her because when my dad passed away, they weren’t in my life anymore. And that’s great, too, right? But anyway, so I didn’t grow up with grandparents. So, I did find myself drawn to what older people were talking about what they thought about certain things, and probably close too. I had to grow up kind of fast. And so, I’ve always been more interested in people who have experienced more than myself, who are further down the road, who have something to teach me. And I’ve just found that that’s been kind of a constant theme throughout my life.
And so just think for a moment about who you are drawn to who piques your interest. Is it elderly people? Is it inventors? Is it people who have had led really challenging lives or have a challenging story of triumph? like my podcast where I talk to people regularly that share their stories, and I learned from each and every one of them. And I absolutely love it. Perhaps, other Grievers, right? because grief is complex, and everyone’s story is different. And it doesn’t matter what your loss is, you can learn something from it. Let’s say, you lost a child, which I can’t even imagine. And no one else who hasn’t, can’t either. But even if I would have experienced the similar loss, a loss of a child and I was talking to someone else who had there might be some certain level of bonding there. But our relationships are very much unique. And so, was it a baby? Was it an older child? That really doesn’t matter, the relationship is always unique. And so, every grief story is very different. And I think that’s why if we box ourselves into only talking with those who have experienced a loss similar to ours, or we tend to judge analyze or criticize or have this thought that there’s a hierarchy of grief. We kind of pinch ourselves off from learning from other people who may have experienced another loss, who may have a wonderful tip to share with you, or may have an idea that might spark something in you, or may have something very helpful that like change their life to share with you, but you would never hear it because you weren’t open to having that conversation with that person, because simply because they experienced loss different from your own. And I think we make these assumptions that, well, they just won’t get it, they just won’t understand. And maybe if we just accepted that truth on both sides, like you’re not going to get my grief, you’re not going to understand my criticism, not because you don’t want to or it’s not because for lack of trying, it’s because again, every relationship is unique.
Now I didn’t say any of that in that first time I record it. So maybe this is exactly just what I needed to say and what someone needed to hear. So, I’m gonna go with that. But I just really loved that episode with Marty. It’s lighthearted, but yet it’s deep, and he just has so much wisdom to share. Marty is going to be 93 in December, and so I can say this, he is an elder. But I think we tend to under appreciate our elders, we tuck them away in our society when we put them together with each other. And you know, when we want to visit them, or we want to talk to them, then they’re there. But if not, then they’re there tucked away, right?, in society somewhere else. And I think how sad is that? Because they have so much wisdom to share. And that wisdom is fleeting, that wisdom is going away every single day. And I think what if we just took a few minutes when we encounter someone who is older and wiser than ourselves that we just ask , “hey, what’s a piece of advice you’d give me about life?”, and see what they say? I think I’m going to start doing that because I’m really curious what people would say, what the elders would say.
The Dice Theory
Onto the episode with Ken Ross, which I was nervous about. It took three takes for me to get through the intro in once I get his episode and all the others that are recorded and audio and video on to my YouTube channel, which is at the only start I think the only start once I get it on there, you will see how nervous I really was. We had a good laugh about it. But it was just ridiculous. But I was so nervous about it because if you don’t know Ken Ross, he is the son of Elisabeth Kubler Ross, who is I would say, the Trailblazer of hospice and palliative care and on the subject of grief and dying. The one thing that everybody talks about in her work is the five stages of grief, which Ken and I specifically address in his episodes. If you haven’t listened, I suggest you listen to it. But basically, her work was so much more than that. That’s just the one thing that society and everyone seems to latch on to and hold on to. But there’s so much more that she did. And I’ve been reading her memoir, the wheel of life, which is beautiful. Absolutely, her life is just fascinating to me, her stories are just unbelievable, and Ken actually share as quite a few of them in that episode as well. She took a lot of risks, talk about a risk taker, talk about someone who was tenacious and didn’t give up and continue to show up and believed in something so powerfully and so deeply. Just like Marty Cooper in the cell phone, she believed so deeply that everyone should have access to hospice and be able to have a good death. And she also wanted people at the end of life, to be able to express what it was they were going through an experience and help them work through that grief of what they were experiencing. Again, she’s a trailblazer, and she’s very much ingrained in our society. I mean, the last krewella movie, they mentioned the five stages of grief, which I mean, it’s everywhere. It’s all over our society, even the Simpsons have mentioned it in episode, it’s just everywhere, just Google it and you’ll just I mean pages and pages and pages of articles. There was more to her than that, as I said, but the one thing that she passed on to Ken was this idea of not boxing yourself in of living outside the box, of not living life with regrets.
And Ken shared about that and how that evolved for him and what that is and what that means to him now in what he calls the dice theory. And ever since he shared it with me, I haven’t forgotten it and I’ve actually implemented it a few days ago, when I found myself hesitating on taking a chance on something, on putting myself out there for something and I was like, “I’m not really sure but it was fear that was causing the resistance”, and then I remembered the dice theory, just roll the dice. What’s the worst thing that can happen? And so, I did the thing, I put myself out there, and we’re gonna see what happens. But just thinking life in general, if we look at everyday life, his philosophy is like every day, “I’m gonna roll the dice every single day, maybe one day, it’s reaching out to 10 random people, or maybe the next day, it’s a random phone call or an email that I send to someone who I affiliated with, but I haven’t checked in on in a while”. And so it’s this idea of paving the way for yourself for having experiences, because they’re not always just going to fall into your lap. Sometimes it takes action often for us to find ourselves in these serendipitous moments, it’s in repeatedly keeping on doing that, just repeatedly putting yourself out there and repeatedly taking chances repeatedly rolling the dice. So, I absolutely loved that theory that he shared. And just based on who his mother was, I’m not surprised that that’s how he lives his life, just based on how she lived hers. She led by example. It was a beautiful example of doing just that of not boxing yourself in of taking a chance on yourself, and probably on others too, right? Because by putting yourself out there, you’re opening yourself up to also to disappointment if people don’t meet your expectations, or they don’t respond in a certain way. And that’s where you have to let that go. You have to do those things without expectation, do it without attachment and just see what happens.
And that’s actually how Ken and I got together on for the podcast, I was one of the people he reached out to, and I took that as a handshake and sent him an invitation to be on my podcast. And he said yes, and we talked for over two hours. And it was just wonderful. It was a highlight of my podcasting career. So far, there’s been many people, many guests that I’ve had that, again, every single one I learned from and but it’s not every day that you talk to the son of Elisabeth Kubler Ross, who is carrying on her legacy, who is ensuring that her work is preserved, and it’s carried out in an authentic way, and with integrity. I do want to share this fun fact because it just speaks to who Elisabeth Kubler Ross was, and it is in the episode, but I just want to share it here because I didn’t focus on it at all when I shared the original episode. There’s one thing that Elizabeth asked for when she was in the middle of having a stroke, literally in the middle of having a stroke, she asked for a cigarette. Now, you just have to go and listen to that episode to get the full story. She was a hoot. From the sounds of it, and the stories that Ken shared, she was a real hoot. And she had this sense of humor about her, which when you deal in grief and dying and hospice and palliative care. I think those of us that work in the grief space probably do have some sort of strange sense of humor.
Give People an Opportunity to Share Something
I want to share a quote that I didn’t highlight from last from Ken’s episode. And I realize now, that was the one I wanted to use. There was something that he said that just really struck me too. He said, “I want to live a life that I wouldn’t mind doing 100 times over and not be bored ever.”. And I think if we really looked at our lives and asked ourselves “What can I do today to roll the dice to have an experience that might give me another experience? That is sweet surprise and delight? How can I learn today from someone may teach me something that will stick with me for the rest of my life, maybe even changed the trajectory of my life?” Because if I would have been talking with someone who experienced grief recovery, and they told me about it, so happen to go check it out. And I go to the program, and it changed my life, how one conversation has the potential to change our entire lives.
And I think if there’s anything I want to leave you with us today, it’s that I was talking to my husband recently. We’re talking about conversations with people and so often we stick to these superficial surface level topics with people we don’t know so well and people we actually do know well. But what if instead of asking about the weather or their job or or something that would be deemed as gossip, what if instead, we ask deeper questions to give us the opportunity to learn something new. And maybe one of those questions could be tell me something I don’t know. Tell me something I don’t know about you, teach me something new or why do you enjoy this?
If you’re talking about their job, instead of asking, well “How’s work going?” It’s like what do you enjoy about what you do. Give people an opportunity to share something more personal and maybe a little deeper than what they normally do or would because they’re not asked, they’re not given an opportunity to share. And I think maybe to start with you, there’s something more personal it kind of opens up the door for other people to share as well. It creates this opportunity for a richer conversation. It helps people feel more connected to one another So, that’s another thing I would leave you with today is when you’re going out and about in the world, just ask people what makes you curious what makes you curious about them and start there.
P.S. That’s today’s episode. I think I’ve shared everything that I needed to share wanted to share. Please reach out to me on social media. Find me on Instagram at theunleashedheart, send me an email [email protected] if you do share with me what your experiences are, I would love to hear it. I know there’s a lot that isn’t in this recording as there was in the first time I recorded it, but I hope it was helpful, nonetheless. And I hope you do listen to Episode 68 and 69 with Martin Ken Ross. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | Leading Ourselves Through Grief
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Do you feel like the leader of your life?
Do you believe you are leading yourself through grief in a healthy way? You may be wondering what the “healthy way” looks like.
Take a moment to consider what leaders do at the start of their day. They don’t start their day dragging themselves out of bed, drinking a Mountain Dew, and grabbing a snicker bar for breakfast. Maybe some do, but I would wager to bet those leaders that do this are on the fast track to burnout.
How would you show up differently for yourself, and your grief, if you gave some deeper thought to how you’re treating yourself and not harnessing the grieving process as something to push you to your edges and show you what you’re capable of.
Grief pushed me to my edge until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. It also pushed my guest, Scott Mann to his edges. And, Kristine learned how much expansion waited for her once grief entered the room.
We can lead ourselves or we can be led; one way is far more empowering than the other and helps you become the refined and evolved version of yourself after grief.
Which do you choose? I hope this episode inspires you to take your grief by the horns – not for anyone else but you.
RESOURCES:
Leadership In Our Own Life
Hey there. Thank you so much for tuning in today. I am your host Victoria Volk of the Unleashed heart and you are listening to a takeaways and reflections episode from episode number 70, with Scott man, retired Greenberet on leadership, Afghanistan and grief, and Episode 71, with Kristine Carlson, heartbroken, open a widow’s work of unmasking sorrow. And today, I want to start with Scott’s episode where we talked in large part about leadership. And after that episode, leadership was, on my mind quite a bit. And it still has been because I haven’t really felt like a leader in my own life in a lot of ways. I always feel like there’s maybe something I could be doing more or something I could be doing better. Or I just often wish that there was more time in the day where I could do so many things that I would still like to be doing, in addition to everything else that I am pursuing. And a lot of that would involve me stepping into leadership, and the leader who I believe I have the capability to be, just as I believe you have the capability to be. And I think whether we like it or not, if you’re a parent, we are leaders, in many ways, because it is up to us to raise a future generation. And that can feel like a lot of pressure. And I can feel like we’re failing a lot. I can speak for myself, I guess, in that regard. But you have your proud moments, and you have your moments where you feel like you could have done better.
And, you know, let’s face it, parenting does not come with a manual. And so we all are learning along the way. And we all are stepping into that leadership role along the way. And as our children grow and go through all the different phases of development that we too, went through. And there was something that Scott had said, and I just want to circle back to it. He said there is a path, there is a journey, where our scars that are below the surface can be repurposed. And I believe it with all my heart that I believe it’s actually rocket fuel for leadership. He says not who am I to do this? Who am I not to? Because if you don’t, what’s the cost of that? If there’s something that you really want to be doing? What is the cost of not doing that? And who are you not to try and step into the arena and do something bold, do something different? Try something new. Scott and I actually recorded at the end of September of 2021. And ever since then, like I said, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to leadership in my own life. And I’ve since signed up for to try out Toastmasters, which if you haven’t heard of it, it’s to help you develop skills and learn new skills for public speaking. And I’ve attended already one meeting and I’m kind of looking for a group or a club that I feel is a good fit for me. So that’s one way, I’ve also attended Women’s Business Summit, and also really looking and seeking mentors and teachers who are further along than me, who have a skill set or have an aspect of leadership that I am wanting to develop within myself.
Learning Leadership and Taking Opportunity
So I would ask you, what are you wanting to develop within yourself as a leader? What aspect of leadership? Do you feel like you could step into going into 2022? Do you want to learn parenting techniques? Do you want to learn how to start a business? Do you want to learn how to be comfortable talking with other people? I had an interview recently with a guest and he suggested that one of the best things people can do to become more comfortable speaking with in front of others is by taking an improv class. And I thought well, that’s brilliant. I never even thought of that. One of the other ways I’ve recently chosen to step into leadership is by taking a chance and putting myself out there to be on the news. The opportunity was presented to me from someone that works with entrepreneurs out the Women’s Business Center and shared that the local news station was doing a segment for the week of Veterans Day. on veterans voices, and I reached out to the reporter and asked for more information. And she sent a clip of a story they did, I believe last year. And I had this moment where I felt like I not qualified. I was very impressed with the story of the gentleman that they interviewed with the work that he’s doing. He has a nonprofit, really stepping into leadership in his own life. And I find myself comparing myself to him, and all the work that he is doing.
And I felt like I was not worthy. I felt like that. Although there’s so many things that I want to be doing in the veteran community and for veterans, and have been trying to do, which has not panned out in my favor. I found myself shying away from the opportunity. The reporter then replied with the, it’s just about featuring veterans, and if they have a business to talk about their business within the community, and what what they’re doing and to share their stories. And so that made me feel better about doing it. Because I also thought, you know, what this isn’t about me, or my deployment or my service or anything like that, I really wanted to, I’ve looked at this, like an opportunity to speak about the topics that veterans care about, and soldiers care about. And that’s mental health. And that’s the suicide rate, and things like that. And so, I have a service that I know changed my life. And I was looking at this, then like an opportunity to let soldiers and veterans and other people know that there is something out there that exists that can be life changing, that will change their life, if they are open to and willing to do the inner work. Because of travel and distance, we actually did the interview over zoom, and I sent her some images and things. And so the story will actually be on my local KX news on the evening. And I will actually put a link to the show notes for that if you care to check that out. But it’s again, just another example and why I share it as another example of how I’m really taking to heart this notion of I want to be a leader, I want to lead and I want to step into my potential in a bigger way. And I share this because I want to inspire you as a Griever. To reach for something that is a deep desire within yourself, and find a way, find the people find the resources, find the support you need to help you make that happen.
It’s so much harder to go it alone, it really is. And it does take support. So whether it’s going through Grief Recovery, and getting all those cobwebs and the icky stuff out of the way so that you feel more emotionally free to give yourself what you need to spend that time and energy putting it into meaningful work that you care to do. It’s much harder to do that when you are deep in grief when you are ruminating on the story of what happened, whether it’s three years out, or 30 years out, like it was for me, it’s never too late. It’s never too soon, you and I both know, we only have today, my daughter actually painted a watercolor and with a quote, and it says do it now sometimes later becomes never and I have that in my office. And it’s a reminder for me that I might not get a later. And that later may mean never. And so what better timing than now to step into my potential and I challenge you to do the same.
Heartbreak & Widowhood
Shifting gears from leadership to heartbreak and widowhood. I would like to talk a little bit about Kristine’s episode because what came about for me after talking with Kristine, was that although I’ve been doing this Grief Recovery work for almost a few years now, just thinking about my own situation, but thinking about it from my mother’s perspective, when my father passed away, she was a widow at 43 years old, almost the age that I am soon to be. And just in church this past weekend, the message was about widows and so it was so timely and I’ve found myself sitting in church. And I was listening to the passage and thinking about my mom and thinking about this episode with Kristine and thinking about all of the widows out there, who in that moment, we’re probably struggling, somewhere close to me, somewhere far away, it doesn’t matter. I just found myself feeling into my mother’s shoes, of what it would be like, if being the same age, almost as she was, what that would be like raising children, and grieving a spouse. And I can tell you like back in the late 80s, when my mom lost her husband, my dad, there wasn’t a lot of support. And there really weren’t any of her friends in her circle at the time that were widows themselves. So she really didn’t have anyone she could go to or talk to that had experienced the same thing. We didn’t have social media we didn’t have. We didn’t have a cell phone. Like, you know, there’s so many.
It was such a different time that there are so many blessings that we have today as grievers that didn’t exist back when right and resources also, and access to resources. I mean, there’s so much free content out there for people to access that can offer support and guidance and things like that, which by the way, I want to share a new resource that I came across recently. The app is called empathy. And it’s E m p a t h y just as empathy is spelled. And it’s based on artificial intelligence on the information that you input. So if you are a widow, and you were in charge of the estate, or bills, things like anything, I mean, it will pure rate, the app curates to your specific needs. I think it’s absolutely brilliant. I wish I would have thought of it myself. But I will put the link to that in the shownotes. I think that would be an amazing resource for not just widows, but any Griever. So if you’re listening to this, I greatly encourage you to check that out.
Empathy & Compassion
But, again, this episode this week was just so timely for the message I received in church. And just what I’ve been reflecting on in reading as also, like just in my personal life books, I’m reading things to help me think of that time from my in my mom’s eyes with a whole lot of compassion. Because it’s so easy as grievers to think about our own personal experience, like how we were affected and how we were impacted. But to be able to put ourselves in the shoes of someone else, which is really what empathy is. But to then shift that to compassion. I’m not owning that as not, like those feelings are not mine to own, of what she experienced or what any Griever experiences, right? In our lives. We’re not, we can’t save people. But what I can do now is I can think about that experience with more compassion, being the age that my mom almost, that I am, almost at the age my mom was understanding and listening to other widows who I have interviewed on this podcast, but for some reason, this conversation with Kristine just, I don’t know, it touched me in a different way and and I could have been to the message in church and maybe, you know I’m further along in my own healing my own inner work, things like that, which also shifts our perspective which also we grow, right, we grow or our beliefs may change as we grow. I hope they do. They should, but especially for challenging those beliefs. That’s a good sign. But again, I I can think about what my mom went through making nothing about myself. He goes gone, put aside and just send love and light to that situation and that experience that she had and light The load that I feel about my own suffering. And I think is Grievers.
If we can do that, especially as maybe adult children, where our parent lost their loved one, there’s their spouse, they’re the person, their life partner, the one that they thought they would spend the rest of their lives with. If you are an adult child, and that your situation was like mine, I would just encourage you to whether it was a less than loving relationship with that person or, or it was completely a loving relationship. Think about what that experience was like for your parent, and the surviving parent. And I don’t know, I’m just it’s a call for compassion, I guess is what I’m trying to get across here. And Kristine eloquently shared what her experience taught her but you know, and she had a lot of resources in a foundation of healing, and personal development work already in place when that when she lost her husband, but she still had children she was raising, right, she still had to learn to navigate a grief and the grief of her children, because she had she had shared in her episode, both their parents were still living when her husband passed away. And so this is truly her first real grief experience. And, you know, I can say, personally, I feel more prepared for any future losses that I have having Grief Recovery, having the tools in my toolbox that I’ve, you know, learned and and personally developed over the past few years. But when you haven’t addressed grief, specifically in your life before, and it happens to you, it’s new territory. And considering everything that her work has become in the last several years. It’s a parent that that was a catalyst for a lot of growth and a lot of the work that she’s doing today, and the books that she’s written, and that’s life, though, right? We go through life, we experienced loss, it changes us, we can grow from it, we can find the gifts in it, which, when you’re knee deep in it, you don’t want to hear about that. But there is another side that we can all get to. We just have to hold on to the hope that we can get there.
How Powerful Support Is
And again, I’m going to circle back to you can’t do it alone, it takes support, it takes a village of support around you to help you get up day after day. And, you know, she had said Kristine shared that, you know, her daughter’s helped her get up day after day. They were her reason to get up. But she also had a lot of great support around her. And I want to tie that into Scott’s episode as well. Because when he was to the point where he was ready to take his own life, he had to get really honest with himself and with his family. And again, he couldn’t walk through that darkness by himself, he needed the support. So that is the theme, I think for this takeaways episode is, is stepping into leadership in our lives, being the leader of our own lives, taking our lives by the horns, getting the support, finding the resources we need, finding that which will help us develop and grow and learn into the people we want to be the Griever that has learned from the challenges and the hardships, a Griever that has found the hope to continue and share their message in a meaningful way. And not everybody has to like use their grief and user challenges for good but there is a lot of empowerment when you find meaning in what you’ve endured, and you turn it for the good of others. There’s a lot of empowerment in that. There was a quote that Christine shared and I’m gonna really tie this up with a bow with that with that quote, but she said the circumstances of life don’t make or break you, but they will reveal you. So my question to you today is What do you want your grief to reveal about you? What do you Why your circumstances in life? To reveal about you? Do you want them to break you? Or do you want them to make you and a part of that is stepping into the leadership of your own life. Be the leader of you. You are the only one who can lead you and it is solely your responsibility. No one can do it for you. No one can take away the pain for you. It takes you to do the work to be open to doing the work to show up for yourself in a big way so that you can become the version of you that you want to be so that you can become version 2.0 That you after grief.
P.S. That’s it for today, my friends. I hope this episode was inspiring. And if you’d like to share your thoughts on this episode, I would love to hear it you can email me [email protected] find me on Instagram @theunleashedheart. If you love this episode, please share it. And again, don’t forget to check out the show notes for the link to the app that I mentioned. And remember, when you unleash your heart you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
When you find yourself the observer of a situation that brings up some emotional dis-ease for you, it may be helpful to say the following to yourself: “I don’t know what I don’t know.”
This helps me to feel better when I have felt wronged in some way or when I find myself raising an eyebrow at a situation that may or may not involve me.
Society isn’t short of judgment and criticism these days. I think there’s plenty of it to go around the world a few times. However, each of us can help change that and intentionally, instead, pause and take a moment to reflect and attempt to be empathetic, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you.
Some may say we need to be more sympathetic, but even that can come across as pity. Maybe it’s just easier to say that sometimes, our opinions are best kept to ourselves.
Whether you believe in the afterlife or don’t, or think every mother should fight tooth and nail to keep their children with them, I hope this episode leads you to listen to both Episode 64 with Kristjana and 65 with Sirry because, they couldn’t be any more different but yet, the common theme comes down to how we don’t know what we don’t know.
RESOURCES:
Today, it’s a takeaways and reflections episode, about Episode 64: A Mother’s Heartache and Sacrifice with Kristjana Hillberg, and Episode 65: The Spirit World Walks Among Us with Sirry Berndsen. A perfect example of grief that hadn’t yet been represented on this podcast, which I do like to share all different types of losses, just to give people a different perspective. Because you may know somebody who has been in the situation, or you may know someone who is going through something similar, and maybe you want to support them. But you’re not sure how, or maybe it’s you, and you find yourself in that Griever’s story. Regardless of the loss, regardless of the story that comes to this podcast, we can all find a little bit of ourselves in the stories, especially if we’ve experienced a lot of loss in our lives. And through that stories, and the different perspectives that I bring to you is an opportunity for you to reflect on. Well, what would I do in that situation? How would I respond? What do I think about that? What do I believe about that? Those questions that help us really grow into who we want to be, who we desire to be, and maybe even have some more compassion towards those who have a different life experience that we may have judged, or had some criticism around. Because those are often too a result of our upbringings and our experiences. And we see other people’s situations through the lens of our own experience. So I do appreciate when people give me their time to share their stories with my listeners, because it is a service to us all, we can all learn something from each and every one of them.
A Mother’s Choice for What’s Best for Her Child
When I first heard about Kristjana’s story, I knew I wanted her on the podcast because she shares a very different perspective of divorce and child custody. As a mom, it’s natural for us to feel like we want our children to be with us. But for Kristjana, it wasn’t as simple as that. She was living five hours away from her husband, so that she could be with her daughter that she shared custody with from a previous relationship. And this worked fine for quite some time, over a year, until she found herself expecting with her new husband. And she knew that this decision was going to have to be made to either go be with her new husband, or in the same town or area as her daughter. And just think about that. What would you do? Now with that natural instinct of wanting your child to be with you? Kristjana had the emotional awareness and really tried to put herself in her daughter’s shoes and knew that there was so much love there for her in this large extended family with her father. And she felt tormented on pulling her away from that. But she also felt tormented or not having her daughter with her. So what would you do? I’ve never known anyone in the situation before Kristjana. Probably three to five years ago, if I would have heard of this situation, I probably would have passed along some judgment or criticism because that is a natural thing for us when we don’t find ourselves in that similar situation. For really, what would you do? When you know what’s best for your child, it’s not always the easy decision to make. And Kristjana by no means has an easy decision to make. And so she really put it off for quite some time. Until one day, the answer came to her, almost like a lightning bolt and washed over her in a moment of peace, She’s described it as she had realized what was best for her daughter. And in that moment, she felt peace with that decision. And she knew what she needed to do. And that was to leave her daughter behind and work on us shared custody arrangement that would be in the best interest for their daughter. And that would also serve and nurture her marriage as well, and new family to be, and not not necessarily a new family, because their daughter was very much going to be a part of that. It just would look different than what she imagined.
We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know
And so I really encourage you to listen to Kristjana’s episode, because aside from the difficult decision, and all the thought process that went into making that, and the unhelpful and hurtful things that people said to her. The helpful things that she learned along the way of what she needed for herself. We talked about boundaries, we talked about values, we talked about how she came into her own knowing of what was best for her and her family, regardless of what anybody thought of her or their situation. And here’s the thing, because no one knows your situation as well as you do. People hear stories, or they make assumptions, but no one really knows. Unless they ask. And so I think I’ve mentioned during the episode, and I try to remind myself of this is, I don’t know what I don’t know. And that is the message that applies to both the episodes that I’m talking about today, because whether we’re looking at someone else’s situation from the outside, or were trying to wrap our heads around, something like the afterlife, we don’t know what we don’t know. And we can have these thoughts and feelings about the afterlife, which become our beliefs, or which are our beliefs. But if we can be open to what we don’t know, we can allow ourselves to receive new information, we can allow ourselves to receive messages.
There Are Things That Death Cannot Touch: Love
And that’s what I loved about the episode with Sirry, in that she shared so many tips and ways that people who have lost a loved one can keep that relationship going in a positive way. Because regardless of what you believe, when someone dies, the relationship doesn’t end. There, you may have an unfinished business with that person. So even if that person is no longer on the physical plane, you still have a relationship with them in your heart, you still may have emotional residue from maybe an argument that you had right before that person passed, or maybe the relationship was less than loving throughout your life. And there were things that you could never communicate or never share, because you didn’t feel safe to. Or perhaps it was something that you knew was coming or the person was going through a terminal illness, and you knew it was coming and you had the time, the luxury of time. And you took advantage of that time to make it an impactful learning and deep experience with that person to help you gain insight into what they were feeling, what they were experiencing at the end of their life. But so many people too are afraid to ask those questions, those deep questions. They’re really thinking about that person, leaving them of no longer being there. And that gets in the way of this opportunity to have that deep connection with that person.
Those We Love Never Truly Leave Us
And Sirry had shared how helpful working with a medium has been for so many Grievers in her practice. And she’s also a certified grief recovery specialist as well, which really adds to her professionalism and to her ability to really help a griever have the best experience possible for connecting with their loved ones. I personally had a session with Sirry it was unexpectedly amazing. It was the only session I’ve ever had with a medium or of any kind. I learned a lot about with my children because not only was it a spiritual connection session, it was also intuitive guidance as well. And so I learned some things about my I practice as a Reiki professional. But her professionalism and her strong desire to help me as a griever, who had only recently in the last couple of years really addressed the relationships that have left me feeling conflicted in my life. It’s really hard, I think for many of us to wrap our heads around the idea that we are supported in ways that we can’t even imagine that our loved ones are truly watching over us, guiding us bringing things to our attention, if we only would pay attention. I remember as a kid, I’d be walking down the street in the winter, the snow would be falling and it was my favorite time to go for a walk. I hate the cold but there was something about it when you hear the church bells in the night, and you could hear him across town dead silent. I’d hear the church bells and the snow would be falling and I’d walk under the streetlight and I would go out, and that’s happened to me many, many times, or the light would just go out, it would happen when I’d be driving, a light would just go out a streetlight, and I don’t know, he could say I made it up in my mind, but I felt like that was my dad, he was watching out for me just making sure I knew getting my attention. Because the light coin out is going to get your attention, a street light at that will get your attention. And it did, it did many times.
We Are Not Immune To Grief
Talking with Sirry, I recognize that is something I can ask for. I can ask for that as a sign. I just really encourage you to listen to Sirry’s episode with an open mind and an open heart as you listen, even if you feel like that isn’t something that’s for you. I hope you listen to her tips to help you personally connect with someone who has your heart, but they’re not here. Both episodes offer so much wisdom through their stories. And I’m just really floored at the quality of people who I have drawn to this podcast, everyone has a story. And I don’t care if you’re a celebrity, or I just I don’t care who you are, we all put our pants on the same way, right? We all grieve someone or something and we are not immune to grief. Regardless of who we are, we will all meet death at some point. And stories like Kristjana’s and Sirry’s help bring another perspective that we all can learn from, as I mentioned before, and there’s so much more I could probably say, but honestly, it’s beautiful outside.
We’re having some unusually warm weather here in the Dakotas and my spirit is calling me to the outdoors. And so I will leave this episode there. All the goodness is in those two episodes. I just don’t know that I have anything else to add to the conversations because the tips were that good. It’s important for us to always remember that we don’t know what someone is going through the depth of it. We don’t know what we don’t know.
P.S. If you want to listen to more takeaways and reflections episodes you can click here. And if you find this helpful please share it because sharing is caring. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
