Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | Trauma & The Woo
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Episode 25 with Katie Chonacas was difficult for me to hear. I saw myself in her story and, although my experiences have been different, I felt for her, what I had been feeling also for myself. And, that was incredible sadness for what she went through.
In this episode, I reflect more deeply on those experiences and, you’ll also get to learn and understand how it is I found my way to do the work that I do today as both a Certified Grief Specialist and as a Reiki Master.
I share, from Victoria Shaw’s episode (Episode 26) more about my experience with motherhood and my loss of self, and the path I paved on finding my way back to myself. And, not just my adult self, but the inner-child within that loved “all things woo” even as a kid.
The natural wonder of being a kid never left me, just as it hasn’t left you. Life, obligations, and responsibilities have a way of sucking the fun out of life. It’s up to us to bring back the wonder, the mystery, curiosity, and playback into our lives. I share how Reiki has reignited that for me – and within me.
Resources Mentioned:
Quick Link to Previous Episodes:
So anyway, today I’m going to share some of my takeaways things that I would like to reflect on from their episodes. So starting with Katie’s episode, I think with trauma, we tend to have this emotional disconnect from our bodies. Oftentimes, trauma negatively impacts our relationships, and others can trigger similar emotions that we are attempting to stuffed down, ignore, or in some instances, truly disconnect from and bury so deep that the experience and the feelings come in and flashes, almost like flashbacks later in life. And such has been the case for me personally. And, you know, I really haven’t opened up a whole lot about my personal experience in a lot of detail. But Katie’s sharing has actually, it was actually really hard for me to listen to her story. Because I only this year, I’ve had other experiences come up in those flashbacks as I mentioned. But my story started when I was a child. I was molested as a child, I was nine the first time. On another occasion, I was a little bit older. I was 12. And these are the occurrences that I remember my childhood is very, I don’t want to say choppy in my memory.
You know, losing my dad at eight that was very traumatic. And he was sick for quite some time before that. So yeah, just my childhood is not wasn’t ideal. Like it wasn’t. Yeah, I just I feel like that I buried a lot. And so therefore a lot of memories are captured. Not a lot, because I don’t have a lot of pictures to be honest. It’s almost as if I need pictures to remember, I guess. But that time plays out in my mind, like a movie. And so do my cries for help where others were in the home, and no one came to help me. After the second time I was 12. I was silent for two years. Until I wasn’t and and then I was disregarded. Thus, this set the stage for a child who became very angry inside a child who learned that good behavior. That’s an air quotes, by the way, was rewarded with love. Which then created unworthiness issues that I’m actually still working through. Not to mention the ability to say what I need and ask for help.
Learning Resiliency Not by Choice
I learned resiliency, but not by choice. I’ve spoken about this before, maybe in another podcast episode with someone else, or I’m not sure, but it drives me absolutely crazy when people say that children are resilient, because many became that way, not by choice, and children don’t necessarily bounce back or get over it any more than adults do. So children with they’re still developing minds, rather, are changed biologically and chemically, at a cellular level, when there’s trauma, which is an event that is traumatic to them, and not by your definition as the adult. So often, adults don’t understand, you know, what the big deal is, when kids express their emotions in a big way. And the best thing you can do is to without judgment, and was analyzing or criticizing them, is to just listen, you know, and I’m not talking even like these these big experience, these traumatic experiences, I’m talking the little ones to that might not be a big deal to you, but to that child, it’s something traumatic for them, you know, you take their blankie away, or their pet dies into you, it’s like, well, we can replace the pet, you know, we can, we can get a new dog.
My Big T Traumas & The Effect of Trauma
And this is why I talk a lot about with grief in that the first lessons we receive on how to grieve is when we are children. So don’t just assume that, you know, the dog dies, get a new one, hope they bounce back, they’re still emotionally incomplete from that first pet they lost, that was probably their best friend, their first their first love in a way, you know, you just don’t forget your first love, I think there needs to be a little bit more compassion brought in to the relationships that children develop. So anyway, that’s kind of a side tangent. I mentioned that though, because by the time I was 18, I had had several big T traumas, but also little ones, too, you know, with the animals, you know, with the dogs that I had to give away and couldn’t keep or friends moving away. So by the age of 18, I’d already experienced those, like I said, several big t traumas. And as Dr. Victoria Shaw called them in Episode 26, and adulthood to me, like, equated this, in many ways, freedom, I saw myself in Katy second experience more than once. And if you haven’t listened to that episode, this won’t make much sense, maybe until you do. But alcohol was my best friend for several years. And as a result, I just didn’t care about much else, I should have lost my job, I nearly lost my license, my driver’s license, I ruined my credit. And when it all came to a head, I am pretty amazed looking back that I wasn’t using more alcohol or something other than alcohol. But there was one I’d buried so deeply that as I speak about it, I still don’t fully know what happened. And that’s the scary thing about trauma. It can rare, it’s buried ugly head, when you least expect it. I experienced a first a flashback during my Reiki one and two certification.
And what has followed has been more moments like that the impact it’s had on me and my marriage, not necessarily in a bad way. It’s brought to the bend brought to the light to be healed. Did it feel good? No. But it did it. I mean, to be honest, it did have some negative impact on my marriage. Because a trauma like that, that you can’t really explain, you really don’t know. What do you do with that, right? So still working through that our shadow selves. The sides of us that come out when we’re stressed, angry or sad, are tied to those parts of ourselves that are asking to be healed. And so for me giving up alcohol completely cold turkey. It was a year in November, which I still fully can’t explain. Because I don’t even crave it wasn’t that was a necessary step to heal everything else because my relationship to alcohol didn’t start in my 20s. Like for many of us, it started for me as a teenager. And there are layers to our lives, chapters of our book that with tender self loving care and self compassion. We can change the narrative of our future chapters. And Katie did that for herself by sharing for the first time her story on my podcast publicly, and it’s led to some much needed conversations in her life healing conversations from what she shared with me since we recorded her Episode two months ago. I hope you find your courage to make the moves you need and the steps you need to heal.
Grief Recovery Can Help You
What that looks like for you, whether it’s seeking outside help going on a healing retreat, beginning a journaling and meditation practice, or simply forgiving yourself. But I must tell you, it is not necessary to confront anyone who has hurt you, physically or otherwise, forgiveness is for you, not the other person. Grief recovery can help you find your way to forgiveness without ever speaking one word to the offender, reach out if you need support. And I’ll put the link in the show notes. The biggest mistake so many of us make is that we think we have to go it alone. Society has taught us that you need to be strong. But like I said, traumas big and small, have a way of rearing their ugly heads when we least expect it. So if you do need support, please, if you don’t reach out to me, reach out to someone.
A Story of Losing Her Beloved Self
Moving on to Victoria’s episode, I’m going to be speaking to the moms, the parents listening. That’s what I am. That’s what this episode was about. To start. It was Victoria’s story of her loss of herself her beloved self as she called her when she became a mother. And I really resonated with that I thought it was a different type of loss that hadn’t been covered on the podcast, one that I relate to, I think, especially when you are in the trenches of motherhood, as I explained to in the episode, sharing how my kids were, I have three children. My oldest is pushing 16, my youngest will be 12 pretty soon and my middle is 14 started a job now my middle one. She’s a waitress got her light cutter permit actually not that long ago. So you know, I’m on the road to an empty nest faster than I really anticipated when they were still three in diapers at one time. And those years are a blur. Absolutely a blur. But there was so much going on for me at that time, personally, and children have a way of bringing up our traumas. So emotionally, I felt like I was going through a lot. I was a single mom, essentially, for much of their younger years. Just because my husband traveled with his job, he was gone quite a bit. So that was challenging. So you kind of lose yourself when you’re so preoccupied with little people. Right? You don’t have time for yourself. It’s hard to make time. I’ll just make the time. Yeah, easier said than done. Right? So yeah, I lost myself in my kids.
And by the time I could actually take a step back and breathe a little boy was I confused. I was so lost, I felt so lost. And it wasn’t until my youngest started was starting kindergarten. And actually, just this week, as I’m recording this, I connected some dots, I realized I had a loss in 2014 of someone who it was really an emotionally charged relationship, because she wasn’t in my life. And the person was my grandmother, my dad’s mother, and I had not connected the dots that you know, she had actually died the month before my youngest started kindergarten. And emotionally, I think I kind of buried what was going on for me during that time when she passed because I had gone to visit her in the nursing home. And it wasn’t a very good visit. I think I went there for some sort of completion, some sort of apology, because when my dad passed, I didn’t as much as even get a birthday card, you know, I was eight, and I just wasn’t in her life. And I don’t know, really the reason completely behind all that. But, you know, adult matters tend to trickle into the children, you know, which is very unfortunate egos get in the way. And the children become collateral damage. So that was me, I felt, you know, really damaged from the fractured relationship, the relationship that never was. And so when I went to see her in the nursing home, I think I was looking for some sort of glimmer in her eye of sorrow, regret, and yeah, an apology that I never got.
And so like in grief recovery, we say, Well, you know, if you’re looking for an apology, you never get you’re stuck in emotional jail. And that’s the thing about forgiveness is that and why it’s for us and not the other person. Because what if you were to forgive someone in person, and they don’t accept it? They don’t accept your apology. You’re stuck in emotional jail, or what if you’re waiting for an apology that you never get? You’re still stuck in emotional jail, right? So that was me. I was stuck in emotional jail, and then my youngest started kindergarten and I really did not connect that not until this week. So that was kind of the tip of the iceberg, I suppose of 2014 when this whole personal development stuff really started to take off for me, I suppose, where I looked for books and things, courses, people that could help me feel better. So yeah, anyway, back to Victoria’s conversation about motherhood.
The Woo of Life
That’s what 2014 the start of 2014 was for me, it was finding my way back to me again, after my youngest started kindergarten. Now, at that same time, if you’ve never listened to an episode, before I got a dog, I told my husband, I needed a dog, because I was really hurting inside and I was looking for a distraction. And I replaced the loss of my child, my last one going to kindergarten of what I now know is like emotional dis ease from that relationship that ended the way it did. That brought up all those old old feelings when she passed. So yeah, that conversation really resonated with me, I listened to it, if you’re a mother probably will resonate with you too. And we got a lot into talking about the Woo, the woo of life. When I say the word Woo. I mean, like the things you can’t explain the spiritual, the mystic intuition, things like that, you know, it can mean astrology can mean palm reading. For some people, you know, they’ll include Tarot in there, for some like pagan type things is a little Woo. I’m not into the Tarot thing I’m not into, there’s some things I’m not really into, or don’t really resonate with me or speak to me, what does speak to me is all about intuition. I’m all about intuition.
And I’m all about the things I can’t explain. And one of the things I can’t explain is Reiki really well, because to this day, after being a practitioner, Reiki practitioner now for Oh, gosh, is it a year, something like that little over a year, it really is hard for me to explain. There’s a mystery to it. That brings out the kid in me. And I’ve really, anyway, I’ll get more into that. But when I say Woo, that’s what I mean. And living where I live, where it’s very rural farming community, you know, where this is German heritage in my area, we’re stubborn, we are stubborn. I will admit that. So Reiki in my area is almost like this thing that the people that come to me, I hear a lot. So many of them say that, well, that’s weird. I’m weird. And, you know, for many years, like when I was a child, I thought I was weird, too. But anyway, so growing up, I was into the mysterious and the unexplainable, and mysticism, I ordered a dream analysis book, as a teen, I read my horoscope read religiously, into my peers, I did feel different from them. Because I was into the different. And when I say different, I’m, you know, air quotes, different as I grew, and responsibilities and obligations of life, those things were kind of shoved to the, to the background, you know, obligations, responsibilities were put to the forefront, and my dreamy mystic, intrigued self went into the shadows. That is until I started to wake up to that side of me, again, the unbelievably curious side of me, because I felt incredibly lost in my life, as I mentioned earlier, and unfulfilled.
And I didn’t know why, by outward appearances, I should have been happy. I had a great family, healthy kids who I was able to raise without the pressures of childcare and the needs, and overall, I was living a blessed life. And there’s grief in that in so much guilt and shame. Like, why can’t you just be content? I would think to myself, How selfish are you for wanting more for yourself? But what was that more? What was it? That’s why I felt so lost. That’s what grief does to us, makes us feel lost. Like, we don’t have choices, all these things. So I felt lost. 2014 lost. And that’s when I started, like I said earlier to seeking out or maybe they found me books, resources, courses, things that would help me elevate my life, evolve, grow through the things I’d experienced. So over the next five years, I would navigate the deep question. We all ask ourselves at one point, and more often than not, it’s during a life changing period in our lives, or life changing event. And the question is, why am I here? The other question is, what is my purpose, which brings me back to the child within me, who was curious about everything.
How Reiki Works
So my journey of self discovery began with having my palms read and doing an immense amount of journaling, meditation, tapping, reading so many books, and finally, grief recovery. And as I began to shed the layers of all that grief through grief recovery work in the personal development and internal stuff I was working through, I was led to Reiki or Reiki phone me kept hearing about it. Reiki, reiki, reiki, I’m like, What? It would pop up everywhere, like what is Reiki? I had a call with a gal that knew more about Reiki than I did. We talked and she shared what she knew with me and so intrigued and curious. And I hadn’t even experienced a Reiki session for myself. And I thought, well, there’s something to this, I listened to my intuition, and I signed up for a class and the rest is history. I went as far as I’ve could have gone. Now as in my certifications, unless I Well, that’s not true, I could actually become a licensed Reiki Master, which can take several years actually take up to three years. I’m not quite there yet. I’m very satisfied with where I’m at, I guess in my development, as far as Reiki goes, but Reiki has been a game changer for me. It has been that thing that has reminded me of my kids self, the child curious about everything, who wondered about the things no one could explain, and has helped me to understand myself on a deeper level. I’ve learned through Reiki, why don’t get squeamish around others deep emotions, how I’m empathic, and feel others people’s energy in the room.
Reiki has given me language to explain why I feel drained, after social events, how I would pick up and take on other people’s energy. But in the past, I didn’t know how to shake as when I was a professional photographer, and I shot weddings, you know, shooting a wedding, it’s, you know, 12 hour day, it’s like a marathon and you’re around people all day, like it’s 12 hours of peopling and I would be wiped two days, it would take me two days to recover from shooting a wedding. I never really understood why I just thought it was like this, you know, the mental and physical bandwidth that goes into it. But it was also people’s energy, like a lot of people’s energy, which is really great, usually for a wedding, but not always, you know, there’s family dynamics where things can be stressful to so but anyway, I just really gained a lot of understanding of my own energy through Reiki.
So coming back to where I live in rural North Dakota, when I tell people in my area, and even at first when I told some of my own family members about Reiki they were like, Huh, what’s that? Reiki just isn’t well known. Not in my area anyway. And the clients I do have have expressed to me what I long felt about myself, as I mentioned, like they, you know, they’re weird. They feel like they’re weird, because they’re into this sort of thing that makes me sad, because they’re feeling embarrassment, for knowing what it is. Because it’s just one of those things. That’s really hard to explain. And this leads me to a question. So if you identify yourself, as a Christian, stick with me, I’m not getting into religion here. Just stick with me. If you identify yourself as a Christian, I’m going to challenge you to consider it doesn’t that isn’t that a little bit Woo, too. Because if you believe in someone, you neither see, nor hear out loud and can’t explain in a lot of ways, like what it what that faith is believing and not seeing, like, if you can’t if I mean, that’s really hard to explain for Christians, I’m a Christian, that’s really hard to explain, right? To have this inner knowing this faith of what you cannot see, and you cannot hear as a Christian. That’s a little bit woo isn’t it? I don’t know. That’s what came up for me as I was thinking about this. It’s like we believe in something we cannot see. And we cannot hear. And that’s Reiki. That’s Reiki for me.
How Reiki Can Enhanced Faith Relationship
You know, people might say, You’re weird for being a Christian. I don’t know. There’s some people that would maybe, but kind of the same side of the coin for me. So I suppose just as I have blind faith and Jesus, I have blind faith and Reiki and it’s just opened up a spiritual connection for me to a higher power greater than my own. It’s actually really enhanced my relationship my faith relationship. I feel like I’m simply a conduit for the love and the light energy that is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. As a result of the work that I’ve been doing. I feel more tapped into my intuition and inner knowing the night ever have an a part of that is because I’ve removed the many cloaks that I’ve worn and the veil that grief had put over my eyes. Eyes and over my soul. When our hearts get convoluted in our logical minds full of Monkey chatter, we find it really difficult to see which way is up much less know when our heart is guiding us to something better when we clear a path from our hearts to our higher selves, and we pull the weeds along the way, and trim the bushes our lives, blossom and thrive. Each of us has to find our own way on what the path clearing will entail. And will each utilize or be called to something different different modalities or people that help us do that.
My takeaway for you, is to listen to your nudges and poopoo, the logical mind that wants to question and second guess whether you find yourself knee deep in diapers, packing up the last kid for college, or questioning what you want to do with your life after a devastating loss. Consider that the energy of grief you may be carrying loss of self identity of who you once were, and the unknown of what’s to come. Perhaps the loss of hopes, dreams and expectations are what you wish would have been different, better or more, or would be different, better or more. These are feelings of grief. If you feel deeply and identify yourself as an empath, like myself, embrace this as a gift, not a curse, as I did for so long. Resist getting locked into your pain story. And choose action towards healing. When you get the nudges as victorious son, or episode, no part of the human experience is wasted.
Curiosity Led Me Into Healing
I want to leave you with this amazing awareness I had while editing. It was 10:20 when we recorded our episode, and I shared how my dad hasn’t come to me in my dreams in her episode. So if you haven’t listened to it, then you’ll This will make sense. But three days later, during my Karuna holy fire certification training, we did a guided healing meditation.
And guess what? My dad came to me. I was a child in this vision. And I came out of that meditation very different than I went in. It was a profoundly healing meditation. And the message I received was that I wasn’t ready until now. And I did not make this connection until I was editing your episode. So what we need to know comes to us in divine timing. And that may sound a little Woo. And I don’t care. Because I’m a little Woo. And I’m not embarrassed. I don’t feel weird. I’m embracing that inner child in me that loves all the things I can’t explain. Curiosity has led to so much healing for me. Because when I’ve been curious about something and I’ve followed that nudge. It led me to Reiki it led me to grief recovery first. But it led to so many things before that since 2014 when I started this personal development and my own healing. So and embrace it. As you know if you are an empath and you feel deeply. It’s not something to curse in your life, like I did for so long. Embrace it as a gift.
P.S. Thank you so much for listening today. We went deep. Like I love like I love doing. So I hope you found this episode. Inspiring, insightful, helpful. All the things If you did, please share it with someone you love and care about. Or give me five star review, which would be lovely. And it’s good karma. It’s just good karma. So, thank you again for being here. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Suicide, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | Out from the Shadows of Suicide & Mental Illness
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
This episode digs more deeply into the grief of those left behind when a loved one dies by suicide. I also share three unhelpful words for grievers related to grief due to sudden and traumatic loss, particularly suicide.
In this episode are some personal takeaways or a-ha’s that have stuck with me. This episode is all about that and more from my interviews with David Woods Bartley and Bob Krulish.
David shared his personal story of attempted suicide and his life with clinical depression. And, Bob shared his life-long battle with Bipolar Disorder, which took 35 years to receive an official diagnosis. In the meantime, he lost everything and everyone he loved. Essentially, both stories are stories of tremendous loss (i.e., grief).
You can listen to David’s 2-Part Interview in episodes 21 HERE and 22 HERE. Catch Bob’s episode 24 HERE.
Connect with David Woods Bartley:
Connect with Bob Krulish:
This is Episode 24 takeaways and reflections from the interviews with David Woods Bartley and Bob Kulish. If you have not listened to those episodes, which would be Episode 21, 22, and 23, then that’s what this episode is all about. David’s episode was split into two parts, because it was just an amazing conversation, as was the one with Bob.
And so today, I just want to dig a little deeper into the topics that we covered. David came on the podcast to share his story of suicidal ideation, attempted suicide, and just clinical depression and how his life’s work of working with animals and an animal sanctuary has kind of shaped the work that he does today, which is public speaking. And he’s a trainer for QPR, which is question, persuade, refer, which is suicide prevention technique, please listen to those episodes with David, very, very practical advice, and so much wisdom in his episodes, as well as the one with Bob.
Suicide from the Grief Standpoint
When we talk about suicide, which is a very abrupt kind of loss, such as murder is and any other tragic, you know, circumstances. And also to like, let’s say someone passes away of AIDS, you know, there’s like this almost like a stigma, like you’re almost afraid to even say how your loved one passed away. Because in a lot of cultures, a lot of beliefs, it’s unacceptable. And that doesn’t change the fact of how the person died. But it very well can impact the griever. And how they share their grief. If they do it, all right? When we focus on the reason for the loss, it tends to increase the isolation. And grief is emotional, regardless of the cause of death of a loved one. And there are two larger truths to this. Would you have missed your loved one any less had he or she died another way? Absolutely not. So the fact that your loved one passed from suicide doesn’t change the fact that you’re still missing that loved one. And the other truth is what is emotionally unfinished for you, as a result of the death. And there’s this other thing, too, that we talk about in grief recovery, and address, but society itself? You know, we always look for closure, right? We want some ending to our suffering. And in the case of like murder, we’re always wanting that closure, right? We, especially for instances like murder, where you are looking for justice, where you are looking for, it’s unhelpful, and it’s inaccurate, the word itself closure, because if is there closure to those whose loved ones were murdered, and never received justice? Or if you did receive justice, is there still closure? No, because there’s still unresolved grief. So what can happen though, too, is that people can make a life cause out of the circumstances that took their loved one. So in the case of suicide, for example, and it’s amazing to bring awareness and to create change.
But how many people remain incomplete with the loved one who died despite all of the effort and the proactive change those are that they’re trying to bring about in society. Again, whether it’s, you know, suicide awareness, or it’s, you know, because they lost someone to suicide or murder or you know, wanting to change laws or anything like that, right? It takes a lot of energy to remain distracted from our own unresolved grief. And that can be one way people do that. Another word that seems to come up a lot when people talk about loss due to suicide is guilt. A lot of veterans can feel this way as well. The definition in the dictionary implies it’s an intent to do harm. And if you apply this to the death of a loved one by suicide, I would ask you this question. Did you intend to harm them? And the answer would be absolutely not. This language only adds more suffering and distorts your feelings. Actually, the more accurate thing to consider is what would have been different, better or more in the relationship? What do you wish would have been different, better or more in the relationship? Another word I see a lot on social media and otherwise are here to is about is the word survivor. And it’s another inaccurate word just like guilt, just like closure, and it implies that you outlived someone else. And in grief recovery, we found that the word survivor acts as both a definition and a diagnosis. And it actually keeps people stuck in a painful rut. You don’t survive someone else’s suicide. You may however, survive if someone tries to murder you, but not when they attempt or complete suicide. So survivor defines the griever and it causes him or her to revisit the circumstances of the loss and then becomes an identity.
Pray and Take Action and The Value of Sharing your Story
There are many groups that are actually to born out of the self identification. Grievers are already isolated in our society. So segregating Grievers by the type of loss only adds to the isolation. And yet it can be of some comfort, though too so you may seek out a group of other survivors of suicide, right? Again, that’s an unhelpful definition or an unhelpful term. But if it’s a group of Grievers taking action towards healing the pain rather than sharing the same story, week after week, for months, or even years, that’s where it can be unhelpful. And so again, it comes back to the self identification and segregating yourself from other types of losses. And, you know, in society does that already. And it can be held unhelpful. And so I just wanted to bring to light. That paradox that, yes, I can feel good for a time. It can bring you comfort for a time. But if there is no action, you might find yourself going to that group for months or even years. And that is unhelpful. There’s an African proverb that David mentioned in his episode, and it was pray and move your feet. And it actually came up in another episode recently, that I just recorded, and that one won’t air until February. But it goes back to the idea of, you know, we can pray and pray and pray and pray and pray. But if we’re not moving our feet, what good is it? Right? It can make us feel better for a time. It can give us this moment of reprieve but it’s the action that we take with the prayer. You know, that really makes the difference. Aside from praying and moving your feet, along the way, there is value in sharing your story. Life is full of teachers and some have feathers and tails and power, claws, as was the case for David. And he’s made the story of his life and lost his message. That’s both humanizing to suicidal ideation, depression, and making it relatable. And not to mention allowing the rest of us in society as observers, to see others suffering with more compassion.
A Battle with Bipolar Disorder
Another hope Bringer to the world doing this is Bob Kulish. In Episode 23, he shared his 35 year battle with undiagnosed bipolar disorder, can you imagine as a parent, only seeing your kids for 72 hours out of 365 days, which is 8760 hours. I can’t. And I also can’t imagine the emotional toll it takes on the kids as well. And especially around bipolar, which is widely misunderstood. Which is why I love the work that Bob brings to the world. It’s impactful because his story is impactful. He’s a high functioning adult that is not only living with bipolar, but he is an example of someone who is thriving. And that is miraculous. In my eyes, considering the house stacked the odds had been against him his whole life, one of the biggest takeaways I took from Bob’s episode was something worth repeating. And it’s the idea that when you are feeling depressed, and you go to your practitioner, you know, medical doctor, and you talk about your depressed feelings, and they want to prescribe an anti-depressant. And that’s good, they want to help you, right? However, many practitioners are not trained, specifically in mental illness. So what happens then, if you are actually suffering from bipolar, and you go to the doctor in a depressive state, because with bipolar, they’re never going to see you when you’re manic. That is one thing that Bob taught me. And on the podcast, you’re not going to go to the doctor, when you’re manic, you are going to go when you’re depressed. And they’ll give you an anti-depressant, most likely, but it’s the screening that often misses, or lack thereof, that misses the fact that it’s actually bipolar disorder.
And so when you are provided an antidepressant, without a mood stabilizer that sends you into a manic state, if you have bipolar. And I had asked Bob, like, how long can this, how long does this? How long do you stay manic then? And he said, as long as you are on the anti-depressant without a mood stabilizer. And I just don’t find it so shocking, that well intentioned and well meaning practitioners are allowed to prescribe these psychotic medications, these drugs without really understanding the screening process are really having screening in place to detect something like bipolar disorder. And I think it comes back too like Bob said in the episode, like, how much loss have you had? And that’s one thing that medical doctors never, I mean, do they ever ask how many losses have you had in your life? How much loss Have you had in your life, and Bob says bipolar disorder is the illness of loss. So I’m on his mission bus in changing how practitioners handle the screening process, or maybe perhaps even changing that the fact that they can even prescribe anti-depressants, you know, it’s like, when you have a heart problem, you go to a cardiologist, you don’t go to a dermatologist, right? So why do we leave mental illness to general practitioners, nurse practitioners, physician’s assistants, right? Why do we put that responsibility those people? And that is a big responsibility on their part, right? So anyway, I just agree with Bob that so much news needs to change there.
And again, if you have not listened to that episode, please, please do. It was an eye opener for me. I learned so much from Bob, I learned so so much from David. And I’m just really proud of both of these interviews and feel so blessed that they were able to share their knowledge and their wisdom, and their insights and their so many golden nuggets with myself and with you. The listener. Mental Illness takes a toll on so many lives. It costs our economy like grief, which is into the billions with a B as in Bob. I remember one of my mentors saying once that grief is a public health crisis. Imagine if society approached grief as that, like obesity or smoking were addressed throughout the years. awareness and education is what it comes down to and I’m here for it. People like David and Bob, and any other griever, who comes on this podcast to share their story is contributing to the bigger vision I hold for society that we stop ignoring it. Like it’s just a part of life, that it’s best ignored, stuffed down and pushed aside, and instead brought out from the shadows of our hearts where we can bring some light to the isolated darkness and talk about grief. Like we talked about the weather. That’s today’s episode.
P.S. If you find this episode helpful and informative please share it to someone you know who need this information because sharing is caring. For this episode you can find it here. Don’t forget when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life much love.
Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections from Episodes 18 &19: Children Grieving & Grieving Children
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
The child-griever club is not a very big club, and yet, big enough. 5% of children in the United States have lost one or both parents by age 15.
This episode is a reflection of a shared experience with griever, Lindsay, from episode 18. She lost a parent, her mother, at 13 months old. If you haven’t listened to her episode, and episode 19 with Reena, check those out then come back to this one.
Aside from talking about child grief, and what you can do to support a grieving child you know (and more), I also share some nuggets of wisdom Reena shared from her episode, as well as my reflections around one of the most minimized losses – miscarriage.
Through loss, we learn so much about ourselves. We also have an opportunity to share, from experience, where we’ve struggled and where we’ve triumphed through grief.
Grief unites us all, regardless of the loss you’ve endured. And many of us, like Lindsay and myself, are faced later in life with a choice. We can either resist that which, literally, shaped who we’d become (due to childhood grief), or lean into it and create something good from it.
If you know a child griever in your life, here are six tips for offering support to a grieving child mentioned in this episode:
- Listen with your heart, not your head. Allow the child to express all emotions without judgment, criticism, or analysis.
- Recognize that grief is emotional, not intellectual. Avoid asking “What’s wrong?” Similarly to adults, children often respond with “Nothing.”
- You are the adult – go first. Tell the truth about your own grief. Additionally, don’t try to compare your loss to theirs.
- Remember that each child is unique and each has a unique relationship to the loss event.
- Be patient. Don’t force them to talk.
- Never say “Don’t feel sad, or “Don’t feel scared.” Sadness and fear are normal feelings following loss of any kind.
Resources & References:
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Need help?
- Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
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- Tell Your Friends & Share Online!
- Read & Review my published book about my grief journey.
Today is Episode 20. As I said, takeaways and reflections from episodes 18 was with Lindsay joy Taylor and 19 was with Rena Friedman. But I cannot even get my numbers straight today. So yes, this is Episode 20. And I’m titling it, children grieving and grieving children. So the episode with Lindsay, I just wanted to dig in a little bit more, she had the loss of her mother, when she was 13 months old, I believe her mother was murdered. And we dug a little bit into childhood grief in her experience, because that’s the whole idea behind this podcast is to give the griever the platform to share their story, I just wanted to dig a little deeper into childhood grief. And that’s an experience that Lindsay and I both share. If you’ve never listened before my father passed away when I was eight have cancer, and he had been sick for about two years.
So I watched his decline, which was really difficult. So Lindsay, and I share that commonality, although our grieving experiences and our losses are vastly different. It is the shared child loss that we both can connect to. And I want to speak a little bit on that on how losses are inevitable, and the dangers of comparison of losses.
How Losses are Inevitable
So speaking just a little bit about losses in general, which are inevitable and cannot be avoided. And as much as we love our children, we cannot wrap a shield around them and protect them from sad, painful or negative feelings. So the next best thing for is for us to learn how to help them when events and circumstances occur, that create the normal and natural emotions of grief, grief or loss. And establishing a foundation for dealing effectively with loss can be one of the greatest gifts you can give a child and for me growing up and for my loss experience there was no therapy, there was no communication about what had occurred about the death of my dad, it was like, Yes, he died. He’s being buried. And I grew up having this idea or thought that when you die, you just go on the ground and, and that’s it. I really didn’t have an eye you know, and I created these visions in my mind of and through the years actually. I wonder what he looks like now like these are the thoughts that went through my mind. And it’s really difficult because you don’t know how to process those feelings. You weren’t given the tools and the space to actually share.
Now Lindsay’s experience was a little bit different in the fact that it was her mom for me it was my dad and her dad had actually remarried soon after, as my mom into that relationship wasn’t the greatest for her. And so there wasn’t that safe space, as she shared, and the whole family’s still, you know that there’s the family dynamic too, right? Because, like for me, too, there was other people in the household. We all have our different grieving experiences and how we process and the age difference as well. My brother was five years older. Lindsay was the youngest as well, yes, she was the youngest as well. So, and her sister, I think, was five years older than her as well. Maybe even a little bit older than that. Please go listen to that episode, Episode 18 with Lindsay, that it’s an excellent episode, as they all are, because these are people’s grieving stories. We all have a story, right?
So anyway, back to the inevitability of loss, and the importance of a child to be supported through that to have the option and ability to communicate. And for Lindsay, that happened a little bit later for her. She did speak about play therapy, which I absolutely loved that that was something that was offered to her, someone in her, I think it was in her school teacher or some faculty really saw something. And she really couldn’t pinpoint either what it was that led her to be in that play therapy. But it made an impression on her to the point that she still remembers that today. And so it really is important that we allow our children the ability to communicate what they’re feeling, even if it makes you uncomfortable right? I remember having a conversation not a couple years ago, actually, no, it was after I have been certified in grief recovery, I ran into someone who I’ve known for quite a few years. And they had a lot of loss in their life. And he was speaking about his daughter and how, you know, they had added another like her grandpa had passed away and the daughter of the grandpa so her mom, anytime that daughter would bring up the Grandpa, the mom would get upset, she didn’t want to talk about it, she was so hurt in her own heart space. Right, she was still she was grieving herself. And she any mention of her father upset her. And so if the child wasn’t given the space to communicate about her loss, and what she learned in that was that we don’t talk about our losses. And as much as as painful as they are, we stuff them down. That’s what we’re taught. That’s what many of us are taught.
We Should Never Compare Losses
And, unfortunately, and so it’s our discomfort around loss in our lives. This is why that generational learning gets passed down. Because we are so uncomfortable with what we’re feeling. We don’t know how to process what we’re feeling as the adults, the children therefore learn by example, right? And so this is why I’m so passionate about grief recovery. It’s why I’m very passionate about the helping children with Loss Program. I’ll get more into that later. But these are skills and lessons that we carry with us for the rest of our lives. And what lesson do we want to pass on to our children? Along with those lessons, it’s important to that we recognize that all loss is individual and unique because every relationship is individual and unique all loss is experienced at 100% even though the level of intensity is not the same for every loss and each loss can have different emotional intensity for each person.
This is why it is essential to understand that we can never, we never compare losses, neither our own nor those of our children, and never between siblings or friends they’re each individual and unique in will have their own responses to loss. And it can be tough because we need to remember that never to compare losses or each other’s responses to those losses because comparison creates a false hierarchy of loss. For example, when the child whose parents have divorced is compared with the child who had one or both parents die, he is often made to feel that he shouldn’t feel bad or sad because his parents are still alive. Likewise, we shouldn’t compare our children’s responses to lock to a loss. For example, we would not say something like, I don’t know why you’re so upset about this move, your sister is looking forward to it and excited to get there. Now that’s the perfect example of comparing losses. The fact is that the that the child’s heart and life have been massively disrupted by that divorce or the move in their feelings about that loss or as real and valid as any other child’s feelings about any loss. So again, just as we should not compare as adults to each other as losses. We do not want to compare our children’s, to their siblings, to their friends, and to our own because every relationship is unique and individual. Children are like sponges, they watch and listen to us and they hear things we might not even say and they begin to establish those as ways they should handle grief. Think of it about what you’re teaching your children about how to grieve and if you’re listening to this, and you’re feeling I’m like, Oh my gosh, I’m really screwing this up. I’m doing this wrong, my child has no idea. I have no idea how to support them.
Concrete Tips to Help you Navigate your Child Through their Loss
Allow your child to express all emotions without judgment, criticism or analysis.
Recognize that grief is emotional, not intellectual, avoid the trap of asking your child what is wrong? because he or she will automatically say nothing. Isn’t that what we adults do? right? We say I’m fine, you are the adult.
Go first tell the truth about your own grief. Don’t be afraid to say, I remember feeling sad, when but don’t try to compare your loss.
Remember that each of your children is unique. And each has a unique relationship to the loss event.
Be patient do not force them to talk.
Never say don’t feel sad, or don’t feel scared. Sadness and fear are normal feelings following loss of any kind.
The Traumatic Experience of a Child
But I also want to share to how you know there’s grief. And then there’s also trauma and trauma agreement experience can be traumatic. So losing my father, that was a traumatic experience. Death is very finite, it’s when someone dies. That’s it. It’s done, right? There’s no going back. And that can feel very traumatic for a child, even if they have watched their loved ones suffer. And they knew what’s coming. I’m not really sure if I knew what was coming. But I remember hearing the words dad died, and it hitting me at the moment. Children have no choice who their parents are. And this I’m going to read this little excerpt from there’s a book called The body keeps the score, brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma by Bessel Vander Kolk, it is not an easy read. It is a book about trauma and how trauma is held in the body. And it’s mostly about child sexual abuse, and having been abused, sexually abused as a child. This book has not been easy for me to read, I’m actually still working through it like I have to read a little bit at a time. But I want to read this little excerpt which can apply to you know, trauma in general too or just grief in general. Children have no choice who their parents are, nor they can, can they understand that parents may simply be too depressed, enraged, or spaced out to be there for them, or that their parents behavior may have little to do with them.
Children have no choice but to organize themselves to survive within the families they have. Unlike adults, they have no other authorities to turn to for help. Their parents are the authorities, they cannot rent an apartment or move in with someone else, their very survival hinges on their caregivers. And this is the weight we carry as parents because when my father passed away, my survival hinged on my mother emotional, physical, everything, you know, an eight years old, that’s a very formative, I mean, your brain still developing and much of what you’ve learned about grief is actually pretty well set in almost getting to age 12, actually, but much of what we learn 75% of what we learn about grief is actually instilled in us by that age. And so it’s imperative that those early years, we set the stage and foundation for how to process grief. Now, I mentioned earlier that my mom in previous podcast episodes, I’m not sure if I did in this one, but my mom didn’t really know how to process her own grief. So she wasn’t emotionally available to help me process mine. And that created a dissociation because not only to my mother, it was like to myself, like I, you know, I wasn’t connected with what was going on in my body, like how I was feeling. And all of those emotions were like, stagnant were stuck in there.
And I feel like for Lindsay too like we shared that common bond, it does stay in your body, the conversation actually led to that how trauma stays in the body and how it can show up many years later, we can have an experience at age 8,9,10. And it may not show up again in our lives until we’re 12,16,24 doesn’t matter. It’s individual for everyone. But that’s the fascinating thing for me about trauma and what I’ve been learning. But again, we don’t have a choice who our parents are, and and no one helps facilitate processing that trauma. It does stick with us in some way some fashion somehow and shows up in our other relationships as we get older. And there’s that other piece of the family dynamics that everyone has their own way, right? And some family members may be more vocal, others may be more private. Again, that has a lot to do with what we’re taught, like how to process grief.
Having Kids as a Healing Tool
For me it was I was very private about what was going on in my own inner world, Lindsay expressed how she’s more vocal. And perhaps it was part of that play therapy. And you know, earlier therapy that she experienced in her college years to understand how important it was to talk about what she was experiencing. It was interesting, too, that our conversation led into having kids as a healing tool. I didn’t expect that to come up. But I was very glad it did. Because I think it’s easy for some of us to when we’re have not processed our own grief to fill that void, especially if we did not receive love. If we did not have the emotional connection to our own parent, there’s this we desire love, right? We desire affection, and connection is that piece that is a human need. And so if we didn’t experience that growing up, we will try to find it, we will try to find ways to create that for ourselves, whether it’s a sterb short term energy relieving behaviors, alcohol, drugs, things that make us feel good for a time, we will resort to those things, or relationships, we can do that with relationships as well, relationships can be a sterb, always needing to have somebody or this idea that someone else completes you.
And so when we’re thinking about having children, there’s different philosophies around that as well. And for me, growing up, I didn’t want kids into my 20s and it’s probably shaped by my experiences in childhood. And I think too, it’s I didn’t know, or feel like I would be good enough, to be honest, you know, and that plays into on, you know, self worth issues and all of that. But then there’s the pendulum can swing the other way to where we seek that out, we seek having children to fill that need for us. So it can go both ways. And so it was an interesting conversation. And Lindsey shared how she is open to children, but that it’ll happen when it’s ready when it’s organically going to happen. But she understands she has a self-awareness, I think that’s the biggest piece here is the self- awareness to feel like you have laid a foundation to be the best parent that you can be. And I think that’s what it comes down to the self awareness around it. And I definitely didn’t have any of that in my early 20s. I maybe I did, I had the self awareness that Nope, I’m not going to be a good parent. Like I had told myself that also too, like I was too busy living the life and a life of I was too busy getting my throne my life off the tracks and put it that way i was really preoccupied with myself and the disaster of my life I was creating. So yeah, children were not even were the farthest thing from my mind. But you know, once I found somebody in my life who brought out the best in me, who helped me create a foundation who was an integral part in helping me find my faith again, that foundation was laid, and I felt more confident in who I was. And in the relationship I was in feel like I would approach parenthood as a team effort and that I had support right? And I think that’s huge too.
Helping Children with Loss Program
Circling back to what this whole episode with Lindsay was about, you know, grieving children. I just want to share a little bit about the helping children with loss program. It is a four week online group program. It is for parents, caregivers, school staff, clergy, daycare providers, headstart centers, homeless shelters, even like the staff of homeless shelters, military, family groups, veteran groups, etc. It is for anybody who is a leader of child organization who have children in their care, adoptive families, foster families, you name it, like if you are taking care of children in any capacity this program is for you. It is to help you have the tools and knowledge of helping children process their feelings around loss of any kind. And let me just add to that trauma for a child can be as simple as their teddy bear ended up in the dumpster, or you took it away or their baby blanket was taken away. Or you know, it seems so simple to us as an adult but to a child, it can feel traumatic, and that stays in our bodies. Like I said, that’s where communication is huge. And children understand far more than we give them credit for and I think they’re underestimated. Children are greatly underestimated in society.
So I just wanted to share a little bit about that program that it is online. It is four weeks in it, it arms you with the tools to feel confident of knowing what to say, what to do. When you are confronted with a child who is feeling loss, reach out to me, I’m gonna put the link in the show notes as well, for more information. It’s a great program. I’m passionate about it, just like with everything related to grief recovery, and reach out if you have any questions, please. And my question to you too, would be when you hear me talking about this stuff, and the potential of what you could learn in this program. My question is, does it feel expansive, because we don’t know what we don’t know. And knowledge comes from learning and experience. And so if you don’t know, there’s a way to learn, and it’s through this program. So just going to throw that out there.
Multiple Miscarriage Experience and Words of Wisdom
Switching gears to Episode 19 with Rena, which was titled multiple miscarriage experience and words of wisdom. I just want to share a couple stats each year 24,000 babies are stillborn, according to an August 2020 CDC report. And I mean, I was learning a lot I did a little bit of research as I’m sharing with you for this episode. And when the baby dies in the womb prior to 20 weeks that is considered miscarriage. Also about one in 100 women have repeat miscarriage, according to the March of Dimes website. And also pregnancy hormones can remain in a female’s body one to two months after miscarriage. And in that episode, Rena shared a little bit of her experience about the hormones and how it’s like you, you’re supposed to have this child in your arms. And, you know, you feel the heart, you hear the heartbeat and you feel them moving inside. And that’s traumatic, it’s traumatic to the body. It is traumatic to a female’s psyche, it can be I’m not saying it is for everybody, but it can be. And we talked to about the environment in which a woman who goes through a miscarriage is placed in and she was sharing how, you know, you go into this office, and you’re supposed to, you know, she actually had to go in to complete the miscarriage. And, you know, she’s sitting in this office, and these women are, you know, they’re big bellies, and very happy, very pregnant. And that’s heart wrenching for a woman who’s facing the loss of her baby, also too she shared her own personal experience of the nurse who said, well, you’re the abort, and caught herself, caught herself before she you know, insinuated that she was there for an abortion.
You know, that is very hurtful and very harmful to someone who is there actually, because of miscarriage. But there has to be the sensitivity around and first of all, like, really verifying the information. But I think too, it becomes, I can’t imagine working in that environment where day in and day out, you are seeing women who are experiencing miscarriage and who are having abortions and how, how easy that mistake can happen. And here’s the thing, maybe that’s where change needs to happen as well, and how we create an environment that’s safe, that’s holding, holding space for a woman, regardless of what she’s there for, regardless of what she’s experiencing, to honor the presence of her spirit of her loss of what she’s going through. And I don’t know, I just I feel like you know, it’s a clinical type setting. It’s like how can we make that environment. It’s like when you go in for a massage, right? You go there to relax, you go there to feel good to lift your own spirit to care for yourself, you know, the lights are down low, there’s probably aromatics like something is you know, being diffused to, you know, aroma therapy is being used, they’re setting the mood to help you relax and feel comfortable. And I just think there has to be something that can be done for women who are going through either experience to make them feel supported, held and comforted because a loss is a loss.
And grief is grief actually got really kind of fired up at that point in her episode because I really do think there needs to be the sensitivity training around this and but again to I think it’s almost it can be easy too to become desensitized when you’re in that environment day in and day out. Well, it’s just another day you become desensitized. As to what is really occurring when you’re in that day in and day out, and to what does that do to their psyche? What does that do to, to their hearts as well, right? Because we all are human, and there can be this shame as well, in that grief, and it’s an incredibly vulnerable time, you know, if you don’t feel safe with who is there to support you, that leaves a lasting impression on your heart and in your body as well. We shifted gears then to talking about her grandparents she had, she had both sets of grandparents living well into their 90s, I believe. And it wasn’t until I’m not sure of the year, but in recent years, her paternal grandfather had passed away. And we got to talking about her surviving grandmother, and how I believe she was turning, I have 95, in my mind, but that might be incorrect well into her 90s. Anyway, still taking care of herself, well, up until recently had been taking care of herself. And we talked about the end of life experience, and in what she has learned from her grandmother. And in recent years, she sent this quote, and I wrote it down because it was just really good. One thing she’s learned is why spend your time on the people who are going to judge you? Spend your time on the people who love you. I can’t recall if that is wisdom from her grandmother, but all the same. It’s good wisdom, and it’s a truth. And I think it applied 50 years ago, it still applies today. And it’ll apply, apply 50 years from now.
Rena’s Beautiful Story of Being in Jerusalem
We also talked about charity, and she shared this beautiful story of being in Jerusalem. And there was this woman who just asked her for money, every time she passed her, and she would give her money every time she passed her. And I loved what she shared that her dad had taught her early on, and he told her, if God puts them in my path, then I need to help them. And I love that. Now, of course, you want to do that with all safety in mind, right? Like my husband has told me you ever see someone on the side of the road? And you’re alone? don’t you stop. You know, nowadays, everyone has a cell phone, and there should be no reason why they can’t get help. But that is my nature to want to help people. And so he had made it very clear. If you are alone, you do not stop. But when it comes to charity, I just love that story she shared. But anyway, it went She went on to add, though, that I want there was one point though where she was it was the day she was leaving Jerusalem. And she sees this woman again. And she’s sitting down, she’s sitting next sat next to her. And she listened to this woman talk. And she said she had this really crusty sweater, and obviously this woman and living on the streets, but she listened to everything this woman shared and gave her a hug, I encourage you to listen to that episode, because it’s a beautiful story of charity, and how I think sometimes charity is looked at like, it has to be this grand gesture or these big things or you know, given a lot of money. And sometimes it can be just our time and an embrace. And so I really love that story. And I also share a tip for offering a hug in that episode.
P.S. I hope I brought some information that is helpful. And if you have any questions about anything I shared today, don’t hesitate to reach out to me [email protected] you can find me on Instagram @theunleashedheart you can DM me there or my website through my website as well theunleashedheart.com I will put some information in the show notes for your quick reference. But until next time, thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing if you found it helpful, and remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways, Reflections, & Elaborations from Ep. 12 & 13: How We Live is How We Die & Grief in Men vs Women
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Through the conversation on Episode 12 with Patsy, the conversation led to how we live is how we die – “a good death.” Through personal example, I illustrate how grief and loss during life do, indeed, impact our bodies until our very last breath.
I then go into my thoughts on how men and women grieve differently, as it was briefly mentioned in Episode 13 in my conversation with Patti.
When we are resistant to life, we are resistant to death – I wholeheartedly believe this. Take a listen to this week’s episode and then consider if the emotional energy you’re carrying around is negatively impacting how you are living and how you perceive death and dying.
And also, how it’s less about what our gender is when it comes to grief and more about how much we’ve allowed ourselves to dig deep, that has the most significant impact on how we grieve. Perhaps the greater differentiator of gender and grief is how we choose to (or not to) process it. That’s for another episode!
I leave you with some questions to ponder at the end of this episode. More in-depth questions are our guideposts for change. We always have the answers to revert back to – to keep us on track.
Resources mentioned in this episode that have aided my healing:
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
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Okay, today I am talking about my takeaways and elaborations and reflections on previous podcast episodes I had Episode 12 with Patsy and Episode 13 with Patti. And Patsy her grieving voice story was sharing about caring for her dying father closing a business and divorce. And Patty shared in Episode 13 about being a widow, a young widow at that, and her struggle with her new family husband, with miscarriage and IVF. And so I want to start with Episode 12. And Patsy and Patsy had already started personal development work at the time that her father had become ill and had experienced so much loss in such a short period of time. And from what she shared it had helped her and served her well in being able to be there for her dad despite any conflicting feelings she may have had about their relationship.
So my takeaway with that episode is that it’s never too soon. And it’s never too late to start asking yourself better questions, which really, to me is one of the key components of transformation, or change of any kind, which is you developing the best version of you that you wish to express to the world. And I could do a whole episode on this topic alone, of how grief and loss is personal development because it forces us to ask ourselves deeper questions. Anyway, in the same vein, what if we get to the end of our life? And we never invested time in ourselves to ask those deeper questions. Like, wouldn’t it be great if? Or what do I need to do to be the person I want to be? Or what is the one thing that is hard for me to change about myself, but I know it would be the most impactful right now? And also another example, what are things I can do today for myself, to help myself feel better, be better, and ultimately be happier. Then I agree with the nurse that Patsy shared in her story, that we die exactly how we live and if we resist dying, are afraid of it, or filled with anxiety and emotional pain, and maybe even disease and ultimately don’t experience a good death.
All about Sacral Chakra
A term I’ve heard often throughout my life. My dad did not have a good death. He was wrought with sorrow and fear. As a Vietnam vet, he came home a very different person inside and did his best to lock that pain away. Not to mention the grief he had endured prior to service. He ended up dying of colon cancer at the age of 44. I am 41. And at the age of 36, I had colon polyps removed. So now I have a five year screening. And our colons are actually located in our Sacral Chakra, which relates to vitality, sensation in our relationships with others. It’s where despair is in symptoms of blockages of our Sacral Chakra are constipation, back pain, gynecological cysts, irregular menstruation, infertility, depression, jealousy, low self-esteem, isolation and detachment from society, and even addictive behavior. I’ve also in the last two years have had precancerous mole removed, and my grandmother died of melanoma. But get this even though going back to my dad’s colon cancer, even though several of my dad’s immediate family all had colon cancer to including his dad, his brother, and I actually think his mother as well. I know it was documented, but I haven’t. I’m not exactly sure on that. But we ended up having genetic testing when my grandmother was still alive, and it revealed no genetic link.
Healing Myself through Grief Recovery and Reiki
So how is it that so many people in my father’s family, including himself, all had colon cancer. I’m getting off topic and perhaps this is for another episode. But as a Reiki Master, and learning more and more about energy and emotions, and how our minds and bodies and emotional energy are all connected, it’s been blowing my mind what I’ve been learning. Circling back to how we live, and how we die. In a nutshell, if we do not bring our attention to our inner environment, then whatever what has been emotionally incomplete for us, our resentment towards a parent was, who was emotionally or physically unavailable, or if there was sexual abuse or other trauma, we carry that in our bodies, until the day we die, unless we do something about it, right?
These experiences are emotional imprints that change us on a cellular level. And there are things we can do to help ourselves. There are ways we can take the reigns of our inner experience. And I have personally found grief recovery and Reiki imperative and instrumental in healing myself on a cellular level, to rewire my brain and do the work that helps those emotional imprints fade away, energy, emotion, mind, body, they’re all connected, and how we live and how we die.
How do Men and Women experience life, grief, loss and emotions differently?
And this is kind of briefly touched on in the episode 13. As I mentioned, with Patti, truthfully, I don’t have data to say how different we do grieve from our counterparts. All I can speak to are generalizations because again, you can have two people, a man or a woman who both experienced the same loss. And in Patty’s story, a miscarriage and the ups and downs of IVF. And depending on how much personal development work they’ve done, will be reflected in how they grieve. The woman carries the baby feels the baby move, nourishes the baby and develops a connection to the growing child that no man could ever understand, or will ever experience. So once that is gone, and taken unexpectedly, there is a void that’s experienced very differently. Someone who experiences a loss for the very first time will likely handle it very differently than someone who has experienced several or many losses prior because like anything, the more experience and knowledge you have about anything in life will change how you react, adapt, and change. And many of us berry berry berry, until like me, after five years of personal development and learning that there’s another loss. That seems to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And for me, that loss had me asking myself, why is this affecting me as much as it is and serving as a reminder on a physical and emotional level of all the decades of loss and trauma I experienced years before?
It’s as if everything just bubbled to the surface. And I believe we all experienced that one cherry on top loss, the one that like a game of Jenga, you put that piece on top, and they all come crumbling down at once. And here’s the thing, I handled that loss very differently. And it prompted me to take action to help myself and gave birth to this strong desire in light led me to my purpose, which is often discovered in our pain and in our own story. In this process is very different for everyone, including men. And I think it depends on your upbringing, where you grew up, how grief was talked about how much grief and loss was experienced in life. And only blanket statement I can say is that females tend to be more emotionally expressive than males. But again, not all, and not always. So as I’ve been giving this thought since Patty’s episode, I don’t know if it’s more that men and women grieve differently, or just that we all grieve differently, because we’re all wired differently, and have a different and have had different life experiences that shaped us, and our views and perceptions.
So that is my very quick take on and reflections on the episodes 12 and 13 with Patsy, and Patty, just give some thought to what I shared today, those deep questions that I pondered, myself included, I’ve really been digging into the emotional energy side of the loss I’ve endured and suffering and all of that. And it’s really been bringing up things for me as of late, but it’s been good. I’m handling it very differently now than I would have and did five years ago, five years ago, I felt absolutely crazy. And you can kind of feel that way when some of the old is being shed to bring the new to the light.
P.S. And so I challenge you today, what do you want to shed from the old you so that the you that you desire to be can be brought to the light? If you find this posts helpful please share it because sharing is caring. Much love my friend.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections from Ep. 15 & 16: Shifting Perspective, Giving Ourselves Grace, & Expectations
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
There were some wonderful insights shared by guests Susay Ways on Episode 15 and Danielle Duffey on Episode 16.
In this episode, I share some highlights and dig a little more deeply into some of the topics we only scratched the surface of during the interviews.
Learn more about how I got through my grief, shifting energy and perspective, and how we want others to perceive us can actually hurt us more than help.
Moving on to Danielle’s episode, I dig a bit more into the importance of allowing ourselves to feel, how expectations can be a detriment to a marriage, in general, but particularly during grief and, how we’re all really not that different.
I feel like this episode could have been longer, so if there is a topic you want me to cover more deeply about these or any other episodes, please email me at [email protected].
Also, in today’s episode, I mention that today, Tuesday 10/20-10/27, there’s also a 2-Book Giveaway going on over at theunleashedheart.com The link to register is below!
Episode Mentions:
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This is Episode 17 Takeaways and Reflections from episodes 15 with Susan ways on the loss of her spouse, friendships, transition and discovering her needs. In Episode 16 with Danielle Duffy of bereaved mothers mission for joy. In this episode, I’m titling it, We find what we’re looking for.
How Grief Recovery Can Help Us
So I’d like to start with Susan ways episode which was Episode 15 on the loss of her husband and some friendships and just transitioning from a career and discovering what she needed in the start of her podcast actually two tendrils of grief. And the one thing that I noted that she had said was, she said I needed someone to say I got through this and here is how. That is exactly what I find myself sharing with other Grievers. I got through this and this is how. When it comes to grief recovery, I was 30 plus years griever I still am a griever not was I still am to be honest, lost doesn’t just we just don’t forget about it right? I will never see my father with my children. And I’ve missed out on many moments within myself. And so that doesn’t go away. As we all go through phases and stages of our lives and you know, there’s an empty seat at the table that just doesn’t fade to the background of our lives it’s ever present. And when I experienced grief recovery, it allowed me to not think of everything from the past and then feel pain and sorrow. It has allowed me to embrace and reflect and come to an awareness of how it’s prepared me to do the work that I do now in helping others in being a better parent. When it comes to the grief that my children inevitably will experience in their life, and my friends, my other family, and I just feel like I say it on nearly every episode, I do try and mention grief recovery, because it is one of those things that has been around for over 40 years, however, many people have never heard of it.
You know, it’s only recently in the last few years, where it’s been a more of an online presence, where it’s being shared more widely, and it is on every continent, we have grieved, specialists, even in Guam, and all over the world. So this is really, there’s nothing like it. There’s really just nothing like it. And I’m starting to see a thread, a common theme and a thread in all of the interviews that I’ve done. And one thing that Grievers will mention when they’re sharing their stories is in kind of the one thing that a lot of them want to scream to the world is there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, which I absolutely agree with. And there’s no one cookie cutter or one way to not read the pain. But to move on from it. I really struggle when I hear that because it makes me first of all, it kind of makes me sad for the Grievers sharing their story because I know how phenomenal this program is. And perhaps those who share feel like they’re doing really well, like they’ve they’re doing well in their life. And they’ve been able to transmute that pain into something positive and find some good in it. And I do see a lot of hope, in the stories that people have shared so far with me.
How Grief Recovery Transform the Lives of the People
The other thing I want to mention is that I too thought I was okay, for a very long time, many years. And we often have, in my experience, I can speak for myself had many losses throughout my life. But there’s that one loss, it’s like the tipping point, or like I cannot take any more and they seek therapy or they seek some sort of support, they finally reach out their hand and they’re willing to accept help. I just feel like this is something that grief recovery is something that may feel like a promise to people and people are leery promises, they say expectations or plan disappointments, but I wholeheartedly believe in this program. And I don’t care what your loss was, and what you’ve experienced. I’ve seen it transform the lives of people who have had religion used against them who have had terrible atrocities committed to them again, there’s just nothing like it. And it is skills and knowledge that you will have for the rest of your life that you can apply to your life for the rest of your life.
And also gives you an education that you can share with your peers, with your family with anyone else who you know who is grieving. I just feel like there’s this almost like this. I’ll believe it when I see it. You know, it’s not magic. Grief recovery isn’t magic. But I can tell you, in my experience in my heart, it felt like magic. Because when I was carrying so much that I was caring for so long, and to feel that boulder being taken away from me for the very first time. It truly felt like magic. So I just want you to consider you know, when I mentioned grief recovery, when you hear other Grievers saying that this didn’t work, or that thing didn’t work, or, you know, find your own way or, and that’s true, that’s very true. Like I found my way to grief recovery. And look how long it took me. But you have to be open and ready, an open mind is probably three fourths of it. Because if you’re sitting there and one of my groups and you’re closed off to the experience, it probably won’t help you. And so it really does take an open mind. So I just wanted to share that because of what she shared was, you know, that quote, I got through this. And here is how that she needed someone to tell her that and this is my answer to that question to that statement that she made in her episode.
Shifting and Changing Energy to Attract Hope
And I just wanted to dig a little deeper into my perspective of that we also talked about when you shift and change your energy to attract hope in the form of people and experiences that nurture that hope for you and for your future. That’s really to when you find hope we tend to find what we’re looking for. If you’re looking for a magic bullet or you’re looking for an overnight flip of a switch or you’re looking for just something just to take away the pain like yesterday. I don’t know that you’re having feeling of hope in those moments. I don’t know that you really can feel hope that feels more like desperation. desperation can actually lead to hope in that once we’re desperate and we’re sick of our own crap, we tend to also maybe look for things that can help us. And we tend to reach out for help. And so desperation can lead to hope. But in those moments, it doesn’t feel like hope. But once we start shifting our energy, and we start to really pay attention to our thought process, and what we’re thinking on a daily basis, about our grief about the past, anything like that, we can tend to attract more of that.
So I thought it was a wonderful point that she brought up, I heard a term for the first time during Susan’s podcast interview as well. And it was, she mentioned non-versation. And it’s when you’re talking with someone, and they just keep going on and on and on complaining about something, but they have no action plan on how to change it. And you get to that point in relationship with someone where that’s the bulk of the conversations, and you have a non conversation that is a very one sided conversation, isn’t it? When we kind of get wrapped up in our own stories, really, I think it stems from not digging into our own grievances, and asking ourselves better questions. So we just kind of ruminate, and do and then we look to others, to stew with us. And you know, and all that really does, it just adds to more suffering for us. And it’s that suffering, emotional energy that is perpetuated, as we keep talking about it with whomever is willing to listen, she also brought up, you know, when people judge you and treat you, the way that they perceive your life is going really as true, I believe, too, and that people can paint a really glamorous picture of their lives or a very wholesome, grounded image for themselves.
And inside, they could be crumbling, when people judge you and treat you the way that they perceive your life is going imagine then too, if they perceive or treat you as if you are a basket case, or perceive you as if you’re falling apart, they’ll treat you differently, they believe that you have it all put together, they’ll treat you as if you have it all put together, right? So we do tend to judge and treat people how we perceive their life is going and that’s cause a bit of reflection. For me, I think it was a beautiful point to bring across. And I wanted to highlight that again, on this episode, both the non versation aspect and also when you yourself may feel judged or treated differently, you know, What, are you living authentically? Are you telling the emotional truth about yourself? Those are questions to ask yourself, because if you are trying to I mean, it takes a lot of effort and energy to come across as if you’re all put together and you have it all figured out and you’re doing fine. You know, that takes a lot of energy, you’re also not getting help either or support when you’re doing that.
Feel Empowerment rather than Disempowerment
So I just want to encourage you to consider that as well. It’s okay to ask for help. And you know, and that’s okay to vent. I’m not saying that calling a friend up and complaining about a situation isn’t that we all don’t do it. I mean, I know I have but I have gotten to where I have this awareness, I really try and focus on what my thoughts are throughout the day, and it changes everything. It just shifts your perspective for the whole day. And I don’t find myself complaining about situations or maybe even people probably as often as I used to for sure. And really those moments just start holding a mirror to us ask ourselves like why is this causing me to have this reaction? Because you know, really, that’s a lot of power we give other people when we allow something they say or do to have such an impact on our lives that we feel the need to spend hours on the phone with friends and confidence talking about it. It’s a lot of emotional energy wasted.
And it’s a lot of power we are giving other people in our lives and so I just want to encourage you to feel empowerment because that feels a whole lot better than feeling disempowered. I hope that was helpful. And again, if you haven’t listened to Episode 15 with Susan Ways feel like there’s something for everyone In that episode, she mentions two big part about social media, which was an important mention because it is important what we take in while we’re feeling how are our feeling and grief and we want to make sure that we’re feeding our hearts was with positive encouraging and not harmful or hurtful things. So be sure to go back and listen to that episode.
Sudden Unexplained Death of a Child
Now on to Episode 16 with Danielle Duffy who lost her infant son very suddenly an unexplained way SUDC, which is sudden in unexplained death of a child SUDC. And I’d never heard of it until my episode with Danielle and I cannot even imagine. I just absolutely cannot even imagine in Danielle’s case to not know can’t imagine that it has to be very heart wrenching, she really embodied joy in her episode. And I feel like she really gives that side of herself in her work with the mission mama podcast that she started as a result of all that she’s experienced in life, she talked a lot about gratitude. And her quote that I jotted down was we are not meant to live this life alone. And isn’t that the truth, if you want to learn more about SUDC again, that website was sucd.org. I just wanted to mention that before I forget, but we talked about connecting with others who had lost a child was very important in her healing process.
Because, again, to find I mean, in Grievers appreciate finding someone who shares in a similar loss. And what I have found to with groups, sometimes is that and in society, in general, there’s this knee jerk reaction to compare loss. I lost my both my parents in a car accident, for example, versus I never knew my parents, for whatever reason, maybe they put me up for adoption, or, you know, I’m just explaining, there’s like, there’s so many stories of grief out there, you guys, and none are the same. No two stories are ever the same. And there’s really hurtful and harmful things that come about when we start to compare losses. But I do understand the desire and the connection that one can feel when you connect with others who have had or experienced a similar loss. And she says to, just allow yourself to feel and she allowed herself to feel. And I think that’s so important in grief, too. I think it’s part of the reason to why perhaps I suffered for as long as I did, because I learned to stuff, my feelings and stuff, my emotions, to not share how I was feeling because it wasn’t safe, it wasn’t welcomed. And how we learn as little children is how we behave as adults. Let me repeat that, how we learn as children is how we behave as adults.
What Growing Up Means
And it’s no different with grief, my friends, and she shared is also about releasing expectations with a grieving spouse and others. And it’s a big one you guys, because I especially with spouses, we have a tendency to get married before any tragedy strikes or anything. You have all these high hopes and expectations for a beautiful life and wonderful things to come and sharing experiences and all the things that marriage brings us in our lives. And we aren’t prepared for when things don’t go as planned or for when things start to change, or the person maybe develops habits or behaviors that they didn’t really share in the beginning or express or anything like that. And it’s no different with emotions, maybe people start to exhibit different emotions, because we all go through different phases and stages of life too. So who you were at 17 is not who you are going to be at 27 or 47. Or vice versa, you know, as the years go on, I mean, that’s what adulting is. That’s what growing up means. I think we never end growing up. I don’t think you turn 18. And while you’re grown up, you’re an adult. I mean, yeah, legally, you’re an adult, but I don’t know that we arrive at our best selves at any certain particular age.
And so it’s always this striving to be our best selves, and to become our best selves. And it can get tricky when there’s different personalities, and there’s other people involved and, and when tragedy in particular strikes, and when grief enters the room, we then go too deep into that, but men grieve just as women do, maybe not in the same ways, but they grieve and I’m a female and I stuffed my emotions. And there are many males who stuff their emotions. So I don’t think necessarily that it’s about gender. I think I even touched on this on a previous episode that I just feel like there are typical ways and themes into how people deal with grief. And we do cover a lot of this in grief recovery work. It’s not gender based. And we all do the similar same things. Whether you are male or female, or 27 or 47. We all exhibit and tend to resort to the same or similar behaviors. We call them STERBS Short term energy relieving behaviors where either it’s we pour ourselves into work, become workaholics, start drinking, or returning to shopping or gambling, anger is a big one. And grief manifests in our bodies quite similarly, as well for many of us, and that, again, is not gender specific.
My point in saying this is that how men and women grieve it’s not even about gender, it really is just depends on how they were taught. And that’s men and women. We take those lessons with us. And I just really, I hope you go back and listen to Danielle’s episode, because if you are needing some joy in your life, or need some tools and tips that she provided in that episode, in the show notes, they’re listed there as well. I feel like any parent who can who goes through a loss of a child who was able to find joy in the way that she has, there’s someone to listen to, they are someone to look up to for hope, and I just really appreciated her sharing her story with all of you on that episode.
P.S. If you found this episode helpful, I would love for you to go to Apple podcasts leave a review particularly five star if you found this helpful. And I really would love to know what you have found most helpful. Do you love the interviews? Do you prefer the solo episodes please share I would love to know. Remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life much love.
