Ep 45 | Holistic Healing Is Possible

Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections | 0 comments

Takeaways & Reflections | Holistic Healing Is Possible

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

I get really fired up when a podcast guest shares their story of, essentially, their emotional pain being dismissed. Instead of their pain being addressed when seeking help, their symptoms are “addressed.”

If misguided white coats started to flip that around, and look at the bigger picture and set aside the big pharma kickbacks, and become patient-centered, we’d maybe be in a less dire situation when it comes to mental health in the U.S. than we are today.

Both Brianne and Jordan ended up finding holistic means of addressing their grief and trauma. And, they are the perfect examples that it is possible.

What grievers also need to understand is that there is no magic pill. As Brianne shared in her episode (Episode 44), you have to dig through your shit to find your gold. And, as Jordan shared in his (Episode 44), he found that therapy and EMDR were what he needed and has since been off all meds that he was told he needed to be on (since childhood).

Let’s stop pushing the pills and let’s start pushing for patient-centered care and holistic, unharmful ways to help people heal. Grief Recovery and Reiki have been my saving graces.

AN INVITATION:
Have a story of holistic healing of something specific that worked for you? I’d love to hear from you. Or, do you know of any medical studies that have followed medicated children well into adulthood? I’d be interested in hearing about that, too. If you’re a researcher who has dug into this matter, even better – I want you on my podcast. Reach out to me via the links below.

RESOURCES:

• Ep 43 | Brianne Davis
• Ep 44 | Jordan Brodie
• Jordan Brodie  / BE YOUR SELFIE BRACELET
• Helping Children With Loss
• Grief Recovery 

Hello, and thank you so much for tuning in to grieving voices today. This is Episode 45, takeaways and reflections on episodes 43 with Brianne Davis, and Episode 44, with Jordan Brody. And I can’t believe I’m nearing 50 episodes already, this has been quite the ride. It’s been quite the learning experience as well. And if you’ve been following along since the beginning, which will be a year in June, I thank you for being here. And if you are a new listener, there is a whole lot of content to catch up on amazing stories of overcoming some really difficult and challenging times for people. And what I love about doing this podcast is it exposes me to people of all walks of life who have a very different experience than for me. And it really just helps me open up my perspective. To all the ways grief really touches people and shows up in our lives. And so I thank you for being here and honoring people and their stories by listening to them, it means a lot to me. And I know, it means a lot to the listeners because they just want to help as well. They are sharing their stories because they want to help others and really share the message that there is hope because so many of my guests have found their way out of the depths of grief, no matter how it touched them.

And if you have been listening along, you will notice that the sound quality has greatly improved on my end. It started out good. But the laptop I had the fan noise was just getting horrible. And I had it cleaned and I did all these things that I thought would be would take care of the problem. And I I just had to surrender to the fact that the laptop was indeed not going to give me the quality for this podcast that I wanted. And you know, this podcast does not pay me. I do it out of it’s a labor of love. And I feel like it’s really meaningful. It’s really meaningful to me and it’s meaningful work and so I did replace my laptop and I actually went to the dark side I’ve been PC my entire life and I am now Mac and I have not looked back put it that way. I absolutely love it. And can’t believe I’ve been it took me a long time like I’ve been the last three PCs I’ve had I contemplated getting a Mac and I just I stayed with the PC. It was a fearful jump for me. But yeah, I’m so glad I took the leap it’s yeah, it’s made me become helped me become far more efficient, actually to in editing and all of that. So I hope you appreciate the sound quality as much as I do.

Sex & Love Addiction

Anyway, let’s move on to what I would like to talk about today and that is Brianne and Jordan’s episodes. Brianne had it right in her episode and I used it as a quote graphic because she said you have to dig through your shit to get to your gold, and it’s absolutely true. Going through grief recovery method is a lot like grief mining and Brianne didn’t go through grief recovery. But as you start to dig into one painful aspect of your life, the more you seem to find, and what happens simultaneously is you’re also finding your gold when you do that. And it’s in that process of taking action, and doing something with what you find that you refine what’s painful, into something new. And Brianne had gone through sex and love addicts anonymous because she was really dealing with sex and love addiction. And that helped her when she needed it most. And she said it took her actually quite a few years to get through all 12 steps because it is you know, like alcoholics anonymous, it is a 12 step program. And I had no idea such a thing existed actually, until I virtually met Brianne for my podcast. But as you’ll hear in her conversation, our conversation in Episode 43 her struggles went deeper than being addicted to love. Trauma had left a scar on her heart and, and grief was what was left.

And I think for many who have experienced sexual trauma as a child can relate to Brianne’s story. It’s a theme I’ve seen play out in many conversations I’ve had with people on this podcast, and it’s also more prevalent than people realize. In the US per 2015 data shared by the organization darkness to light whose mission is to end sexual child abuse. One in 10 children will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday, 60% of child abuse victims never tell anyone. And nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults, including those on adults occur to children 17 and under. I am one in 10. Brianne is one in 10. And sadly, I know others who are also one in 10. Trauma is what happens in grief is what’s left.

And you may not know this, but April was National Child Abuse Prevention Month. And so I feel it’s fitting that the organization I’m choosing to donate to for a portion of the proceeds from my business for the second quarter will go to darkness to light. And if you want to learn more information about them, you can head to www.d2l.org. And I’ll put that in the show notes as well. So free after the second quarter I will be donating to that organization. The first quarter if you did not know I donated to veterans fund the fund the Fisher House in North Dakota, which is where I live there’s a the veterans Fisher House basically, when my dad was sick with cancer back in the late 80s. He was being treated at the VA because he was a Vietnam Veteran. And he had his colon surgery there and all and things and so but as a family we there was nowhere to stay. And so I remember just being there one time, but I you know we it was we were separate I was with, you know, family, friends, a family and things to stay with because for a lot of my childhood because that’s where he received his treatment and care. And so I’m was ecstatic to learn that they’re building this house near the VA facility so that the loved ones and service members and people can stay while they’re receiving treatment together as a family, much like a Ronald McDonald House. This is for veterans. And so I really made a meaningful donation to me, it was meaningful to me, I made that donation for the first quarter. And it felt really good to be able to do that. And so I want to continue to do that. And so and I will continue to do that. So second quarter, it will go to darkness to light which again is a very personal and meaningful mission for me as well.

Trauma As A Child | Sexually Abused As A Child

And so anyway, if and I know that the digging in part isn’t easy, but it is necessary if you want to truly put the past behind you otherwise you might as well be driving while looking in the rearview mirror, as I did for many years, your past is your present until you take action to discharge and change the emotions around what happened to you. And if you need support in doing that, or your child does, please reach out to me. And if you don’t know, I facilitate a helping children with loss program online, in a group setting that in that arms, the adults in the child’s life with knowledge and tools to help the child address and articulate their grief. We are born knowing how to grieve, show and share emotion. It is our surroundings that teach us differently. And when we know better, we can do better. Episode with Brianne knows a lot. There’s a lot more to it than just about the trauma as a child and the sex and love addiction. I mean, the story there is much deeper. And it’s really how we look to the outside how we look outside of ourselves to validate our worth. And she said, you know, if the people in your life bring drama, and don’t show up for you, then there’s a problem. And she that’s when she started to really investigate and dig into, really what was the problem. And she really started to discover what was behind this addiction of needing somebody in her life all the time. And she grew up very confident in her mom, she said that her mom had instilled in her this drive and this, you know, you don’t take no for an answer.

And, and I think this persona that she took on, was kind of her armor to protect herself again, because she had been sexually abused as a child. And so if, I’m the one in control, if I’m in the driver’s seat, then it’s my choice, what happens next. But what I have come to learn for myself is that when we put on this armor, and we, you know, find these coping mechanisms to protect ourselves, in the context of relationships, we really have a false connection with people, we think we’re really deeply connected with people, but we are really hiding parts of ourselves. Because I really think too, you lose a part of yourself as well, like you kind of and you have to shed that old skin just like Brianne talks about she said, I had to shed my old skin, this old persona. And I think it’s really getting back to who she was. Like all of us, like when we experienced trauma, painful, challenging things, grief in our lives. It’s really getting back to who we were before that. But not to go back to that to really become version 2.0 of that a more evolution. I love an evolution of the spirit of who you were before that happened. And I think this is the journey of life, right? This is, this is life, it’s, you know, your shits gonna knock you down, and it’s going to change you, it’s going to morph you into something new. And either we have a choice, either we become malleable and we allow it to work through us and within us or we resist that shit. Like it’s the plague. Like it’s the pandemic, right? Like we, we fight it and we drink away, whatever we’re feeling we drug away whatever we’re feeling.

And unfortunately, that is the answer for for in many cases, too. Let’s just put a pill on it. Let’s put a pill on it. And just, yeah, we’ll address the symptoms, but we’re not going to address the pain. That is the problem I see so much that has been come up in a lot of conversations lately, actually, in a lot of podcast conversations is that this idea and I’ll get to that with Jordan because I get a little bit fired up about it really. But please listen to Brianne’s story because there’s more to it than that. What you may think I think you know, she is a Hollywood star but there’s more to it. We all put our pants on the same way. And that’s really why too I wanted to have her on is that we we’re all human experiencing very human things. And that doesn’t change, where we who we are, where we come from our ethnicity, our spiritual beliefs, religious beliefs, or political beliefs. You know, grief doesn’t care. Grief does not care. And so that’s why I really want to invite anyone, from any background to come on this podcast to share their story. I don’t care where you’re from, what your beliefs are, because we all grieve. And that’s, that’s full stop. You know, full stop. So please listen to her episode, I’m sure there’s something you can glean from her story.

Just Be Yourself

The running theme through Episode 44, with Jordan Brodie. Really, the message is to be yourself. And for many years, he’s struggled with that. And actually, since we aired his episode, he came out with a bee or selfie bracelet, which I’ll put in the show notes. But Jordan’s life was filled with many challenges of him coming to who he is today where he can truly be himself. And if you spend 10 minutes with him, you know that, who Jordan is, when he’s in private, and is who you get in person, like he is the epitome of authenticity, to me if I’ve ever seen it, but I understand that wasn’t always the case for him. He grew up knowing he was different. He was gay, and his father was very supportive of him. And his, he actually grew up as a child with a deaf parent, they call them coders and struggled with addiction from a very young age. And I talked about this, I had a post on my Instagram about this, because I’ve seen this theme play out several times on this podcast with guests. So part of their story is that they were, you know, put on medication and again, to treat the symptoms, not that not the problem. And I’ve heard this story told differently in various stages of life so many times. And I personally had an experience of this myself when I was struggling with postpartum on top of grief. But that was never addressed. It was, well, let’s just try and fix band aid your symptoms because they’re not fixing the symptoms, really, they’re just band dating the symptoms, band dating, that’s not a word, putting a bandaid on the symptoms. And part of my post was talking about how white coats not all are quick to prescribe a pill rather than truly assess whether that is the most viable and best option for the patient.

And when it comes to children, who obviously don’t have a voice in the in the scenario and aren’t given the choice or option themselves, parents trust that they’re being given all of the information, you know, the impact and the side effects and in the just cause for putting the child on these brain altering medications. And I bring this up because Jordan even said, this was his quote, he said, therapist put me on drugs as an eight year old to treat my symptoms. But they never asked me questions about my emotional pain. And this really gets me riled up because I see this so many times. And for probably, I mean, as many times that this happens to adults, this is happening to children who are seemingly, you know, especially with ADHD, or their trouble child, or they’re causing fights or they’re disrupting the classroom or whatever, but it’s like what’s going on at home? What these are the questions that are so quickly glazed over are why is the child behaving in this way? What has happened to this child that could be contributing to the behavior, how has what has or is happening? impacting the child, and who suffers if this course of action has dire consequences or a poor outcome, right? I could go on and on. But my friends grief in children causes children to behave in much of the same way adults behave, angry outbursts, rage even depressive episodes, isolation struggles with peers, trouble connecting with others, social anxiety, suicidal ideation, which is getting younger and younger, self harm, addictive behaviors, whether it be to substances or not, I mean, it can be addicted to your phone or social media or addicted to.

Child’s Addiction

There’s so many things with children to food, children can become addicted to food, it’s these are not foreign things that we are unaware of, we look at these things like these are adult behaviors, but really, they’re in and really what is adulthood, but childhood reenactment. So things that you resort to as a child very well are things that you were looking to as an adult. So what is often prescribed to cure grief? Because that’s what these children are often experiencing at the root of it, right? Like, just like Jordan, the root of his the issue, the problems that were manifesting in his life and the struggles he was having the root of it was grief. So what’s the cure a pill? No, it’s not. No, it’s not. Please listen to Jordan’s episode and really hear towards the end how he shares that he is no longer on medication. So did all of those previous his previous diagnosis is disappear? Or could he have been misdiagnosed in the first place? Just imagine for a moment how different society would look at grief if it was no longer medicalized, and rather approached it for what it is a normal and natural experience of the heart. Seriously, this really, I get really worked up about this because especially with children’s brains, which are rapidly growing and developing, like, the last thing we should just be so quick to do is to put a pill on it, to which alter, truly alter the personality of the child. And really the brain is what I’ve been starting to dig into the neuroscience of it is how, how our brains actually adapt to our environment, like they develop as a response to our environment.

So imagine now, a medicated child’s brain and how that brain has to adapt and change because of that medication. Now, what are the long term lasting effects of that? What is the long term impact of that? That’s an interesting study I would love to hear about or read about or find is that being studied? I don’t know are they following children who are put on these medications as a young child and into adulthood? A long term study of the impacts of these drugs I would love to know anyone have anything on that? Please share it with me send it to me via email [email protected]. I would love more information on this if someone knows of it. It just occurred to me that maybe there’s a study on this and I’m very fascinated by it. So please share if you know of something. But heading into his teen years, Jordan talked about how on top of the drugs rather, I mean, really on top of the drugs I mean, he started using alcohol to turn off the trauma in his brain so really was what was the medication doing? What was the medication doing it was addressing the symptoms but it was not curing the problem, right? just drives me crazy. And I think many adults can relate to being that teen that started to experiment with drugs and alcohol and and as we shared during the episode is like and he said to it’s like you don’t just because you don’t drink from 10 to two every day doesn’t mean you don’t have a problem. And that was odd. She drank from 10 to two every single day and she died ultimately died of her addiction.

Addiction on Alcohol

And he also had another relative died of liver failure from alcohol from alcohol. All addiction. But we often don’t think that this you know, every so often, binge drinking is a problem. And I, you know, it’s very common in my state of North Dakota with teens, especially as this weekend warrior, you know, pattern of behavior that starts as in the teen years and really continues into adulthood for many, many people, when there’s not a lot to do what a kids do, you know, go to parties that drinking whatever. And I’m just as guilty of that, and, but for me, there was a lot of grief in my childhood to to my teen years. And I knew someone who was drinking at a very young age and, and really couldn’t even take a shower without having beer in with them in the shower. That’s so young. And again, that’s on that’s, that’s the developing brain yet, that is being exposed to the toxins of alcohol. And it’s like, I think some adults think of this, like, it’s a rite of passage, you know, I did it, they’re gonna probably do it, too. And that’s, I mean, yeah, that’s probably the case. But are you really, this is where we need to really look at the education behind what, what is the impact of alcohol on the brain? Like, how does this change? Like? How does this change the chemistry of the brain? Again, something else I’m just really fascinated by if if our brains develop and grow, too, as a, as a result of our environment, as a result of what we’re putting in our bodies and things like that, so and of trauma, right of trauma, grief, all of that. But he talked about being on these drugs as a young age. And then as he grew older, you know, resorting to alcohol, and, you know, if you are doing these things on the weekend, you know, you’re a weekend warrior, is it where your life is becoming unmanageable? Is Your Life unmanageable when you do this.

And that was me, that was me, I couldn’t function for like two days, I would get so sick. And I realized I had a moment of clarity, just this lightning bolt of clarity. Why do I need this? Why do I do this? And that was a question that I really dug into and journaled on. And I didn’t need it. And if I didn’t need it, then why can’t I go without it? And people might say, Well, I don’t need to drink. Well, then why do you? Why do you? You know, well, it’s to be social. Well, then you call yourself a social drinker, which is what I did, I was a social drinker. And I put that in air quotes, social drinker. But I didn’t know when to stop. And I felt and still feel sometimes I get some social anxiety I get, I don’t feel comfortable in some certain environments. And I feel like I need to, I did feel like I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin, first and foremost. And I felt like I had to do that in order to really let myself relax, and have a good time. Because who I really am at my core, I was kind of literally drowning out with alcohol, because I wasn’t complete. It wasn’t comfortable showing who I really am. And that’s a person who is enjoys deep conversation and really deep connection with one on one with people. And oftentimes, that’s uncomfortable because it brings up stuff for us. But the more I started to address that within myself, the more comfortable I become with other people because the more comfortable I am in my own skin, the more comfortable I can be around people who are in theirs, and maybe uncomfortable in theirs, right?

Having a Radical Self-Love

And so there’s a lot of depth to Jordan’s episode and it really comes down to Jordan having radical self love for himself and really doing what needed to be done in order to tend to his own heart with a lot of therapy, a lot of inner work. He’s lost a lot along the way. It started with his best friend who took him to his first aim. Eating, and ultimately who he had to say goodbye to because he died of an overdose. And a week after we recorded his episode, his brother also died of an overdose, and even expressed concern over his brother during our episode. And so as you listen to his episode, which I hope you do, just energetically send him your love and light, and just really this positive energy towards him for sharing his story. So courageously and bravely for the first time ever, on grieving voices anywhere, actually. And I just see so much love just pouring out of him, for people for humanity. And I think he’s only getting started. He’s just getting started. He’s a beautiful human being. And it was just such an honor to have him on my podcast, I really loved our conversation, so much so that he’s going to come back for a second episode. And kind of like a follow up and an update, where are things now with him?

And how are things going and you know, after losing his brother, too, as well, and just how he’s channeling the grief that he’s been walking through and what he’s doing with that, and how he’s working through it, and, and all of that, being someone who’s a recovering addict to, you know, still having losses that are happening and not falling trap to those old patterns and ways of behavior that really only bring on more, more pain. Yeah, and he even said, traumas cause us to separate ourselves. And they do, they do. And they stack up, they stack up as well. And so it’s doing the inner work that has helped him to stay out of to keep himself really from falling back into that trap.

P.S. I hope you learn something from this episode and If you find it helpful and informative please share it because Sharing is Caring. And If you want to know the Helping With Children Loss Program you can visit my website www.theunleashedheart.com  And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.

Ep 36 | The Evolution & Ripples of Hope & Grief

Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections | 0 comments

Takeaways & Reflections | The Evolution & Ripples of Hope & Grief

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

In this episode, I dig more into the topic of faith and spirituality that Lizzy and I touched on in her episode.  Communication and support were a huge influence on her grief, whereas, I share how my experienced differed, despite both of us having the exact same losses which occurred in the same order, too.

From Margo’s episode, I talk about how hope greatly influences our outlook. Also, because it hasn’t been talked about a whole lot yet on the podcast, I wanted to talk more about grief in the workplace that Margo and I discussed in her episode. With Covid-19, there is plenty of grief in the workplace. I describe various reasons why our personal grief impacts the workplace as well – plus more!

Resources:

• Ep 34 Lizzy Flavin | Never Fatherless
• Ep 35 Margo Fowkes | Lessons From My Beloved Son, Jimmy
• Grief Recovery Method 

Thank you for joining me today on another episode of grieving voices. Today is Episode 36 takeaways and reflections from Episode 34, with Lizzy Flavin and Episode 35, with Margot folks. And Lizzy’s episode was about the loss of her father, and how that shaped her life and her faith. Maybe even deep interfaith, I can’t speak for her. But that’s the takeaway of mine that I got. She had also lost her uncle and her grandmother. And we had a very similar experience in that way. losing our grandmothers than our fathers, and then an uncle. And so she reminded me a lot of myself, actually, you know, in that it wasn’t? Well, it was quite a long time ago that I was in my early 20s. In some ways it feels like just yesterday, but another as it’s like that was three lifetimes away or ago, three lifetimes ago.

But yes, Lizzie is 22ish. And she lost her dad when she was 12. Also to colon cancer, as I lost my father, when I was eight. And so we talked a lot about what that experience gave her in terms of. So we talked a lot about faith in her episode. Faith was a huge part of her life growing up and a big thing that her father instilled was as an important thing in their family. And she felt like she needed to continue his legacy and has found her own path and is still walking that path, of course. But it’s led her to seek answers for herself. And one of the ways that she has been diving into faith is how different we can experience faith, how many different experiences there are of faith and the separateness that exists in the world when it comes to faith. It just made me think of as I was hearing her talk during her episode, it’s this thought of even when I was a kid and all my life, I would just say can’t we all just get along? Like can’t we all just look at one another as human beings, because that’s what we are. It doesn’t matter where we’re from, the languages we speak, who our God is, who we believe our God is, what the color of our skin. You know, we’re human, we’re just all human. And if we all felt the exact same way about everything, there would be no use for humanity. We might as well all be robots. And so it’s in this difference. I feel that there is an opportunity to see inclusion. there is opportunity to see difference with respect. And no, Lizzy’s exploring why those differences in faith in particular exist. She’s actually going to school for religious studies. So I’m very interested to see where that path takes or over the years.

Independence Versus Dependence

Another thought that came to my mind, in talking with her and after and after, when I edited her episode was this idea of independence versus dependence. And, you know, when we’re children, we rely heavily on others, for our security and for safety, and the essentials of life, really, food, clothing, shelter. But there’s also those needs that often go unmet, that aren’t really considered. And I mean, kids don’t come with a baniel. Oh, if they did, but they don’t. So there’s emotional and spiritual needs as well. And we come into this world and into a home where there are certain beliefs about everything. And I can have an identical twin, and we can be separated at birth. And we can, although we come from the same womb, it is the home in which we are raised that will determine because we, there is a possibility.

And I do believe this wholeheartedly, that our past does not have to determine our future, although in so many cases it does. So with that being said, you can have two identical siblings who grow up into different homes and experience lives that are completely different. And it’s based on the beliefs that helped shape them in the homes in which they are raised. I’ve even said that to my one of my kids not long ago. You know, even though even the political party in which most people say they are a part of is that because you were raised in a home that believed those things? Or is it because you’ve found your way on your own, and challenge those beliefs that you were raised with and forged your own path, and your own thoughts and your own beliefs and your own feelings? Because so often, I think we just accept what has been taught to us, whether it’s grief, or whether it’s how we deal with grief, or whether it’s about religion, or political views, or our views of wealthy people, that’s a perfect example to have, you know, we can grow up in a home, where it’s, there’s a lot of lack, and, or there’s a lack mindset. You can even have a family that’s I mean by, by all accounts on paper, should be doing pretty well but are up to their eyeballs in debt and might even have gambling issues, or you know, these other aspects of life, or grief, that infiltrate every other area of their lives, like addiction does or like grief does. And that has a direct relationship to your money, probably how much you have, how you view it, how you spend it, how you save it, and who you give it to? And how you hold on to it as well, of course.

And so what grief recovery has done for me personally has helped me to see what thoughts and beliefs were mine and which ones weren’t. Which ones were those that were passed on to me that I learned no longer served me. This has been greatly true in the case of money. You know, people might say money doesn’t grow on trees or which it doesn’t, I assume that’s not a lie. But you know, wealthy people are just arrogant and evil people, you know, and money is evil. And money is the root of all evil, which is a very common belief that’s often passed down. And so people that really take that on, as their belief, live that out in their lives. And if they believe that money is the root of all evil, they likely have a problem holding on to it. This is the perfect analogy for grief, because what we believe about grief, and our faith is directly mirrored back to us and reflected in our lives. And how we process grief, or our faith, and how we look to our faith, whether we have it at all, whether we have group, whether we have faith at all. And I didn’t for many years, unlike Lizzy, I didn’t have that.

A Conversation of Faith & Spirituality

There wasn’t the conversation, first of all, you know, we stopped going to church. And I had to go to get confirmed. That was pretty much the only reason why I went to confirmation class, although I never went to church, I went to confirmation class, so I could get confirmed, because that’s what you did. But I wasn’t a practicing church goer. And to be honest, I wasn’t living in integrity with myself, because I blamed God for my life circumstances, and what happened when you know the loss of my father. And that was the last place I wanted to be. And so every time I had to go to confirmation class, and I had to listen to these things that I didn’t really fully believe. That was living up in out of integrity with myself. And it took me probably it took me another eight years, before I would kind of come back or before I’d come back around to the idea of faith and religion, or anything of the sort. But I came back around because I, I really desired to understand, I desired to understand where that disbelief came from. I just I really needed to go within and figure that out for myself. And then discover what was true for me, what I resonated with, and how I wanted that to be a part of my life moving forward. And so unlike Lizzie, I had I did, I did that on my own. But she had, thankfully for her.

And if you’re listening, I hope for you to a support system that has open conversation about issues like this, that has open communication about faith. But the interesting thing that I shared with Lizzy and we got to talking about was spirituality, and how I view spirituality a little differently than I do faith. And spirituality to me is this deeper connection that takes your faith even further. It embodies the sin without believing. And yeah, I think just makes the whole experience of faith and more deeper in our process. And spirituality means different things to different people. I do feel like spirit. Like the spirit within me is in the likeness of God. I feel like we all are a spark of the Divine. And because I do believe that we are all made in his likeness of pure love and light And it is grief, my friends that easily easily dims that light. And we tend to. Yeah. I think the darkness and the gray kind of overpowers the light until we reach out until we put our hand out and we cry out for help. Whether that be spiritually, whether that be faithfully whether that be emotionally or mentally to someone who can support us, and to guide us, and to reflect back to us what we can’t see from with inside the jar. Right?

So one of the greatest lessons, I think, in the conversation from what Lizzy and I talked about is, is that you follow the follow the nuggets of interest in faith and spirituality wherever they lead you. Ask deeper questions. Don’t be afraid of being wrong, either. I think we just are so conditioned to find the right answer, do the right thing. And who makes those rules? what’s right. And I think the only truth about that it’s what’s right for you at the time, and that will evolve and that will grow and that will change over time with your grief with your faith with your spirituality. We are an evolutionary process. So I hope you check out Lizzy’s episode, Episode 34 never a fatherless daughter. It was a wonderful conversation. I love to bring lots of different perspectives of loss. I believe she was the first younger guests that I’ve had. So I really enjoyed our conversation and I hope you check it out.

Losing a Son to Brain Cancer

The next episode I like to share in this takeaways and reflections episode it was with Margo folks who in her episode lessons from my beloved son Jimmy, she had lost her son in 2014 to brain cancer after his battle. After he battled it for eight years. I feel like we covered so many good topics around grief, you know, as a loss, as a parent, but also in her work that she does as a consultant for corporations and companies to bring more grief education and awareness to the workplace. And we talked a lot about that she has a website called find your harbor. And it’s also salt waters, the name and she got the name from a quote that reads the cure for anything is saltwater, sweat, tears or the sea. And I just think that’s so beautiful. And that’s true. We can go out in nature by the water and and feel this connection to the earth and I don’t know there’s a rhythm to the ocean, you know, it goes in and comes out. The tie goes in and goes out and if fell in love with the beach when my husband and I went to Hawaii, which feels like forever ago. But I fell in love with the with the ocean when we were there. But I absolutely love going to lakes and just sitting by the lake. You know, having a cabin out in the woods and being by water is just soothing tears actually have a chemical within them. That is it releases a chemical that is good for us. It is cathartic and sweat. Of course when we move our bodies and we sweat releases endorphins, it releases these feel good chemicals that help us to feel better.

And so yeah, the cure for anything is saltwater, right sweat tears or the sea. I just can’t imagine what that loss is like, and I don’t pretend to know, and I will hopefully never know. But I can’t imagine the grief that her son may have felt too, even though she said how hopeful he always was. And it was his hope that helped them hold on to their hope. And that was such a gift that he gave them when we’re younger. We have this spirit about us. Maybe that isn’t a kind of fades over time as we go through life. It’s that young, spirited thing. It’s this energy that we have in our youth that kind of often fades with life’s challenges and life struggles and if your life was otherwise wonderful experience up until a diagnosis of something like this lady that her son had had perhaps that’s why he had the hope he had. But obviously that’s what kept him alive for so long to his hope and the determination of his loving parents.

And just speaking with Margo. She talked a lot about the research and the investigating that she did on our own time to in support of the doctors in Jimmy’s health care team to make sure that he had the best possible chance of something that may work. I just really enjoyed my conversation with Margo. What I also found interesting too, around Margo’s loss was that and she really described this well was the fact that she really hadn’t experienced a loss even remotely close to a young person in her life, much less obviously, as close as her son, but you know, everyone in her life was living up to or into their hundreds. And so I think when you’re you, when you’re blessed with that sort of experience of grief of this, this long life that you have to look forward to, that you think is, this is just how it is like, this is how my experience will be, you know, I imagine it was felt like a train that hit her, when she realized this would not be the case for her son. How traumatic that thought alone, I’m sure was just.

Workplace Grief & Communication in Workplace

So much wisdom in Margot’s episode. And in talking about workplace grief kind of comes back to the conversation I brought up with Lizzy and that our beliefs shape, how we view grief and our experiences. And we carry all kinds of beliefs. As I mentioned, you know even about money, but beliefs about our nation or state or community, our workplaces or lifestyles, faith and faith leaders, political systems, economy, healthcare systems, and even about the goodness of humankind, beliefs about COVID-19 and the government response. And like I mentioned wealthy people, and you know that we have to work hard for money and you know, versus money as a neutral resource. It’s neither good nor bad. And all of these have been challenged, obviously, to through COVID-19, and even beliefs about other ethnicities. It’s, you know, the social bias. And it is all these beliefs that we have that shape our lives. And it’s on the job, it’s in the community, it’s on the news, and it’s at home. You know, there’s something called to the sandwich generation, you know, it’s the people that are homeschooling and working and caring for an aging parent. There’s the boomerang generation that’s makes up 29%. of third 25 to 34 year old live with their parents in a 2012 article, that was only in 2012. Now imagine with COVID, that numbers probably much, much higher. So it there’s a lot of grief out there, and a lot of workplace grief because we bring our grief and our lives to the workplace.

And so your co workers grief is your grief because it impacts you to. Our grief creates ripples in our lives. Every area it touches in our lives. I know this to be true. I believe it with 100% of every fiber of my being. Your grief is impacting every area and facet of your life. You don’t connect the dots. But it’s the truth. How your body reacts to it, how it manifests in your body, how it manifests in your life. If you are shopping, gambling, going to the bar every other night, you know picking up a guy or a chick or just really feel unsettled and who you are. It’s this restlessness, this irritability, maybe even anger this low grade anger. We can’t function at 100% of who we are at our core, we much less knowing who we are at our core when we have all this emotional stuff weighing us down. A 2002 grief index study that was conducted by the grief recovery Institute Educational Foundation measured sources of emotional pain ranging from miscarriages to pet loss and economic impact. And what was found was that hidden grief causes US companies more than $75 billion annually that’s billion with a B as in boy. And current update is reflecting more than 100 billion in productivity increased errors and accidents due to reduced concentration and focus and of which death of a loved one $37.6 billion that is costing our, that costs US companies. Pet loss alone is 2.4 billion death of an acquaintance. 7 billion financial trouble 4.6 billion family crisis 9 billion divorce or marital woes 11 billion Americans mourn the death of 2.4 million loved ones every year. And counselors interviewed more than 25,000 grieving people and almost all said that their job performance was affected. I’d actually given a presentation of grief in the workplace during 2020. Yeah, during 2020 for COVID.

And it just blows my mind how companies are dropping the ball when it comes to grief in the workplace. Think about where you work. If you had a loss of a loved one recently, during COVID, or otherwise, did your manager ensure that someone reached out to you? Does your manager even know who you would feel comfortable being that who you would feel comfortable hearing from? Because here’s the thing, too, we may not feel comfortable with everybody reaching out to us because maybe that relationship doesn’t, isn’t in the place of that emotional exchange, right? This is where communication is so important in the workplace. You know, if you’re close to someone, you have had emotional exchanges of you know, share details of your personal lives, the mere, perhaps the one to reach out to that person and check on them. But sometimes, that person doesn’t want to hear from everybody. And that’s okay. But not saying anything isn’t the right answer either. And that’s where the managers really need to understand their people, they need to have this open conversation and dialogue to understand, you know, as a leader, who is under their wing, as a company, as a team, things like that. I think that’s where a lot of companies are dropping the ball, you know, someone experiences a death, you’re expected to maybe take a week off at the most and then come back and be at your best self like you were before.

Some Of The Things You Can Do To A Griever

And people expect you to behave as you did before, right? And because people are so uncomfortable with grief in general, because we’re all taught these myths that I have an episode on the myths of grief, go back, it’s an earlier episode. We are all taught these things, we are uncomfortable with other people’s grief. So that’s why we don’t bring it up, especially in the workplace. You feel like it’s not appropriate, it’s not your place. But here’s the thing. If no one’s reaching out, think how you would feel and you don’t have to approach them. You can send a card, you can send a thoughtful service, like hello fresh, you know, send them a subscription to so they don’t have to worry, you think about food for the next week. Don’t send flowers, send something practical. Is that a mom? Do they have kids? Because they need help with carpool? Is there? You know, do you have a resource? Do you can you clean their house, I mean, there’s so many things we can do to help those people in our lives that we see every single day. But yet, we’re just afraid, we find ourselves afraid. And again, it comes back to communication among the manager and the team members and ensuring that we’re watching out for one another. Maybe you haven’t taken stock of what your company or your agency provides you as far as support.

But understand that recovery comes by learning to make a series small positive changes and in our attitudes, and then our behaviors. It means getting better not getting healed. It’s an ongoing process. And it comes sooner with positive actions and it comes sooner. Also with appropriate support some ideas for workplace grief is to validate and acknowledge the grief and avoid the myths statements and validate with I can’t imagine that’s what you can say I can’t imagine and identify and name the loss, whether it’s tangible or intangible, and you help name the feelings. They’ll tell you the story, but they want you to hear how it feels. So give them a voice and be a heart with yours. help them make different choices. Now again, if you have that sort of relationship, you know, we don’t want to come in like we’re the expert when we haven’t processed and did any of our own work but let the griever take the lead. But also don’t not say something, you know, because it’s almost the unsaid word that hurts just as much and If you’re the griever, and you find yourself in a situation like this, how is this situation changing your life? specifically? What are the elements of change at hand? Because grief makes us feel like we don’t have a choice to. So identifying where those changes are taking place.

Take 1% Reponsibility

And then what challenges do these changes present? Are there certain areas where you need support? Are you having these feelings of guilt, which so many of us have that we need to wash that phrase from our vocabulary? Because guilt is an intent to do harm. But what are your choices you can feel powerless, but you don’t have to, you can’t change the big picture. But you can take 1% responsibility for how you respond. So look for and brainstorm choices, get creative, evaluate your boundaries, that boundaries are huge when it comes to grief when making even small choices helps you to get some of your power back. And especially in the workplace. They got to ask for what you need. And I have to mention the grief recovery method because it works. We learn in three ways seeing hearing and doing in grief recovery involves storytelling. It’s this meaning making, that so many of us are looking for as Grievers. It gives voice to undelivered communications. It’s systematic, it helps organize our thoughts and our feelings. It’s based on health education theory.

And that’s an action based program. It’s the show me how, you know, people tell you, you know, you should be over your grief by now. But they don’t tell you how, how do you get over it. And then there’s so many people to that will challenge that idea of that you can get over it. And it’s not about getting over. It’s about recovering from the emotional feelings of being incomplete. So that you can create new positive memories without being drugged back into the past. And that doesn’t matter if the person has died. Or if you’re working on a relationship with someone living because many times it is the relationships with the living that also causes the most grief.

P.S. So I hope you check into this evidence based program that I talked so much about, it changed my life in March of 2019. And it’s continued to change my life ever since in a way that I really can’t even articulate. It’s just opened so many doors for me, because it’s helped me come back home to myself. It’s helped me to drop the backpack of rocks that I had been carrying for so many years, but in all the years in between. It affected every area of my life. And I know it’s affecting yours, that your grief is affecting yours. Even if you don’t want to admit it challenge that belief that your grief is not impacting your life today in all areas. Thank you so much! And journal on that. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.

Ep 30 | Breaking the Cycle

Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Takeaways and Reflections | 0 comments

Takeaways & Reflections from Ep. 28 & 29 | Breaking the Cycle

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

Episode 28 with  Quandell Wright offered me a perspective of what life was like for him growing up on the streets of Detroit, MI. He had to grow up fast, growing up with a single-parenting mom during his younger years, and how he found himself in a gang. I share thoughts about how easily a parent can make parenting choices based on fear.

I share, from Ruthie Bowles episode (Episode 29) more about my thoughts on how the traumas that happen to us, like sexual assault, impact our parenting. I also include the tips Ruthie shared from her episode on what to look for in a friend whose behavior has changed and seems to be keeping something from you.

These two stories are an excellent representation of how our experiences, both growing up, and as adults, change us, thereby, also change in how we move about in the world, and yes, parent.

These illustrate how important it is to take ownership of our lives and empower ourselves with new knowledge; challenging what we were brought up to believe to be true about grief and break the cycle so many of us find ourselves in.

Resources Mentioned:

• Grief Recovery

Quick Link to Previous Episodes:

• Previous Episodes

Need help?
Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

And so today I just want to share a little bit more behind the interviews with Quandell and Ruthie and I’ll start with Quandell, the one thing I’m finding I love, really love about podcasting is I almost describe like it’s like reading a book. You know, I prefer a book in my hands always have, but it’s like reading a book. But listening to the audio version, from the person’s words, and like a book, through story were taken to another place another time, and another life another way of being another experience that probably is not at all, like our own. And that was Quandell story for me. I’m a white woman growing up in rural North Dakota. And I’d only heard just a little snippet of Quandell’s story before I asked him to be on the podcast.

And yeah, it was kind of for selfish reasons, because I really wanted to understand from his perspective, what it was like, growing up where he did, and it was in the rough parts of Detroit, where there was gang activity, and where he had found himself within the chaos of that life. And so I really was very curious to learn more about what life was like for him. And what it’s like for many people who experienced a similar situation like him. Because you know, the thing is, when we can hear other people’s stories, get an understanding of where they’re coming from, why they maybe feel the way they feel about certain things, what they believe in why they believe those things, we gain understanding. And when there’s understanding there’s more so to be likely compassion. And so that is my hope that you hear these stories, Quandells, Ruthies any of these stories, and you have more compassion, that we are all human beings doing the best we can walk in our own journey. Whether it’s in rural North Dakota, in the military, like Ruthie or in the streets of Detroit.

A Story of Determination on Surviving Life

So Quandell really touched my heart in a unique for the Hard Knocks of life. And, you know, I don’t know what it’s like to be a single mother, growing, you know, raising children in poverty on the streets of Detroit, but I can sympathize and empathize with the fear of what that means of not knowing if or when your child will make it home, alive. And so this fear is what perpetuates this feeling of I gotta prepare you, I’ve got to toughen you up so that you can stand up for yourself. And through Quandell’s story. Like I said, despite everything, he opened up his home to some men, where they would have a space to share. And I saw this determination and him to make something of his life through his creativity, his passion and his work for his clothing line, and the how deeply rooted. That was, for him growing up as a as a young child, drawing and doodling. And the influence that he got from his grandfather, but then yet didn’t even realize until much later in life. It was just this story of how do you claw your way out of all of that? And if you haven’t listened to the episode, he attempted suicide three times. And it was on the third time that he ended up in a psych hospital that changed his life. But he also became a young father at 16. And again, 19. And so there’s all these elements at play in his life that, you know, the odds are stacked against him.

And yet I see this man was sharing his story. And I couldn’t believe that he was sitting. I was looking at him, and he was sharing it with me, right? So I’ve had several of those types of interviews. It’s always humbling to me. that have been transformative in his healing and in his life. Several of them I’d read that he shared and some I hadn’t. I particularly loved the towards the end of the episode to where his advice was to smile. At the end, he said, Look in the mirror and smile at yourself. And for Quandell he has the gap between his teeth. And he said I always hated my smile. And I did look into he said, you know, getting it fixed, but you know, it’d be a lot, you know, a couple $1,000. And then if I got braces, and you have to wear a retainer for the rest of your life either. Now, that ain’t for me. Loving myself is just a little bit easier, cheaper. Maybe I don’t know if it’s easier because it is hard. You know, when you’ve had traumatic experiences and you’ve lived through your own living hell. It can be really difficult to give love to the first person that you should be giving it to and that’s yourself. When I first started my personal development journey. It’s such an overused word, but it’s the truth. It is a journey. One of the things that just peeling back the layers, unlearning all of the garbage that were taught growing up, whether it was well intentioned or not, our parents do what they know, with what they have at the time.

And, you know, here’s the thing too, like how we parent, our children definitely is influenced, not definitely it is influenced by how we were raised. Because that our belief systems are formed in childhood, they’re developed in childhood. And, like I said, whether intentionally or not, we learn what we learn. So as adults, we have a lot of unlearning to do more often than not, because our parents bring their traumas and their hurts and their pains into their parenting and how they parent and what they say and how they say it, and such as the generational cyclic learning. And so it really is up to each and every one of us to take ownership 1%, at least 1% responsibility for our lives and everything in it, and every one in it, that is there. And they are there. Because in some, whether subconsciously or consciously we chose it we choose every single day. And we can choose love and light and moving towards that direction. I’ll be it if it causes us pain and suffering along the way to unlearn and unpack and undo, and re learn new tools and new knowledge. Or we can continue to go in the opposite direction, and towards pain and more suffering and keep repeating the same patterns of behavior that brought us to that pain and additional suffering in the first place. So I hope you listen to Quandell’s episode and you consider how his parenting could have been influenced very differently, how there could be a very strong possibility that he wouldn’t have even had known as children, his children wouldn’t have known him had he not decided and chose a different path for himself. And he says, you know, not everything is perfect, I’m not perfect. It’s unlearning is an unraveling all the knots of become our lives takes time. It’s not an overnight process at all, but he’s working towards it. And that’s what I saw in him. Is this determination to be the best self he can possibly be.

A Story of Sexual Assault While Serving in the Military

Episode 29th Guest Ruthie Bowles shared her story of sexual assault while serving in the military. Her first experience was with a boyfriend, which not many people may consider that yes, you can be sexually assaulted. While you’re in a relationship. He has no means no. Right? Which we do get into and did get into in that episode. So I do hope you listen. But the second time was also when the day she got back from deployment, which is striking because, you know, you deploy to, I believe it was, I want to say she said Afghanistan, she deployed to Afghanistan comes home and is assaulted in her own barracks room. Ironic, in a way in all that. And I think so many soldiers actually, who survives a deployment, because honestly, if you were being shot at you survived deployment. And when she’s in uniform, she’s military personnel. And so there’s this duality of existence for time when you’re active duty. And she describes her uniform as a shield that she didn’t realize she was wearing after these events took place. And that really struck me because you really don’t have to wear a uniform to build that shield, right? But for her because her experiences took place with other military personnel, her rank became something to that was a part of her shield. And she lived up to this identity that she had created for herself of one that I’m not someone you mess with. And yet at the same time, what sexual assault did to her was create this conflict of and we talked about, and this is what struck me what came up, because I think it’s really something that a lot of women or men, or anyone who is sexually assaulted experiences is that you would think, you know, because you’re sexually assaulted, you aren’t interested in sex, and that your relationships are turned off and, and what have you.

But the other side of that is that you can have this feeling of where does your self worth go? Where do your boundaries go? You probably didn’t have any and that’s what led or can was a contributing factor to what built you up to be find yourself in a position like that. Because like I said, it goes back to our upbringing. And if you don’t feel a strong sense of self, I think you’re more vulnerable to people who can manipulate and take advantage. Make you feel less than you lack self confidence, self assurance, not sure really who you are. Because a lot of people I mean, how many 18 year old really know who they are. So all these things combined her upbringing, your beliefs, your sense, like the level of sense of self that you have mixin and, you know, a military training that’s supposed to break you down and build you up. But like Ruthie says, and I would agree with that, that’s really what happens. I went to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, and they yelled at you, there’s mostly men, and the culture back then was I don’t know what it’s like now. But that was the idea is that they tear you down so they can build you up. There’s a lot of components to that that are missing, because they don’t know what your upbringing was like, when you sign the dotted line and say you’re willing to give up your life for your country. They don’t ask you, well had you been sexually assaulted before? Have you suffered the loss of a parent at a young age? Did you see someone die when you were young? All these different experiences that contribute to what we call and, you know, grief recovery, but they’re in psychology, they’re called aces, adverse childhood experiences, and consider each adverse childhood experience as an ace.

And the more you have, the more likely you are to experience or find yourself having an addiction. And all these, you know, a mental disorder, or undiagnosed depression are all these numbers of things that can happen as a result, because those experiences change you on a physical, physiological, and chemically like your brain, at a cellular level. So none of those things are taken in consideration when you sign the dotted line. And then when you go on deploy, and you see your battle, buddy die, you were shot out, you go out of the wire every single day and wonder if you’re going to make it back. You hear of other battalions or platoons that go out before you who suffer losses of life. It’s this fight, flight or freeze that Ruthie mentioned that I think the freeze part isn’t often Yeah, kind of ignored. It’s like you think you know how you’re going to react in a certain situation, but you really don’t know until you’re in it right? And so what she said to as unhelpful to her is that people would say, well, when this was happening to you, why didn’t you fight back? Why didn’t you cry for help? For some people? I would say, How do you know I didn’t? And if I did, it obviously didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because we cannot control what other people think feel or do just as Ruthie said.

When Shame Came Up

How easily someone can find themselves in a position of doing something that isn’t in their nature or their character. But because of alcohol, or because of peer pressure, or a combination of both, may do something that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. My husband and I actually just talked about this, the day before I’m recording this. And my thought around it was that, you know, in shame, shame came up. Because people that carry shame, they show you, they show you shame, and how they behave, the choices they make, how they treat others, a lot of us, many of us carry shame. And it can look very differently for everyone. And I think for the most part, if you feel guilty about something, you likely have shame. And so I loved how that came up when she was talking about raising her boys. Because I really do think it’s important that there are decisions that we may make in life that we aren’t necessarily proud of. And it’s that shame that either keeps us stuffing our feelings with food, sex, drugs, gambling, all these STERBS, the short term energy relieving behaviors that I talked about in grief recovery.

That grief recovery actually helps to bring to light to help you recognize to bring an awareness around what you do, in response to shame to grieve to your feelings, and then arm you with new knowledge and tools to navigate and rid yourself of that. A part of Ruthie story that also came up. I brought actually just I think it was a few days before I’d interviewed her the Vanessa Guillen’s story on 2020 aired, or perhaps no, it was a recording actually, I DVR it and had watched it just actually before Ruth is episode recorded. And I wanted to share the stats once again, that I’d read in an article referring to the Vanessa Guillen case, who if you don’t know she was a soldier in the military at Fort Hood, who had been being sexually harassed by a superior ranking enlisted soldier. And she was planning to press charges or report that person and she ended up dead for it. He killed her in a really horrific way. And but one of the points highlighted in the story was that every year that 20,000 service members are sexually assaulted. Now, Ruthie pointed out that’s of people that report. So I think she and I both agree that that number is actually more likely quite higher, substantially higher, I would would say, of those 20,000 5000 will actually report 500 of those would be court martialed, and of those 500 to 250 would actually be convicted. And again, I mean, how do they estimate 20,000 when only 5000 report? So yeah, when you hear that? It’s like how is raising boys versus girls possibly any easier. I would agree with Ruthie and I’m so glad she highlighted that and brought that up in the episode.

Revictimization

Another aspect of her story that she brought up is this re victimization that she experienced, you know, of having to repeat her story of, you know, having the proof and then it accidentally being destroyed her case not going anywhere. And, you know, years later, many years later now, it’s still dragging now because she’s, you know, trying to get some sort of benefit for, you know, PTSD that she still is living with as a result of her experiences. So I hope the VA does the right thing. But if they don’t, you know, she’s back at square one, having to work through and navigate that disappointment all over again, this let down feeling of an entity that you swore your life to protect, to serve. So I love that she shared some tips of how she began to heal, she talks about things to look out for and friends who may have been sexually assaulted themselves. And one is changes in behavior. So that’s where we kind of talked about, you know, this idea that just because you’ve been sexually assaulted, you’re an interested in sex anymore. But you know, the opposite can happen where you actually just kind of get this I don’t care, attitude, our I’m going to get you before you get me. I’m going to give it to you before I before I say no, and you take it away. So this influx of relationships, you know, the subsequent relationships, gaslighting were another thing she said to look out for was gaslighting, where someone may ask you, you know what’s going on seems like something, something’s up. And they’re like, No, nothing’s wrong, but you seem a little off lately, or there’s something going on with you, you know, and they kind of turn it around on you make you seem like you’re the crazy one for asking.

Good at Redirecting Conversation

Another point she made was, they’re really good at redirecting conversation, which kind of plays into the whole gaslighting thing. And she also says to be gentle, but focused. So I understand that I like how she put it where you’re going to have to knock on this door several times, until I feel safe with you to open up until I can know and feel comfortable that you’re ready to hear what I have to share. And that’s a poignant point, because a lot of people and I think until you’ve been a victim yourself of sexual assault, you really don’t understand that depth. Again, it comes back to you think you know what you would do? And until it happens to you, you know, you don’t. A lot of good stuff in both of the episodes.

I hope you take a listen. And maybe your tact and your approach changes a little bit because of something you’ve heard on this on this podcast. It is very much for Grievers, but also for non Grievers and so I hope that starting to that bigger picture, that bigger vision for this podcast, I hope is starting to become more clear why this is so important to me. I do have some lighter questions that I’m working into the episodes coming up. You know, this has been a learning process. I’m learning as I go. And there was one episode with Victoria Shah, that I got some feedback that they liked that it was, you know, she shared her story of like losing herself and things like that. But yeah, it was it seemed lighter, it was like a lighter, felt lighter, but yet it was still helpful if you’re a griever. And so I’m looking to do a little bit more of that.

And I was a reminder of, there are people that have lived some really terrible atrocities in their life, and they’ve made it to the other side. I’ve always loved a good triumph story. I was a kid, even now, like commercials like our stories I see. Oh, Jim Hartman is a can always bring me to tears. Jim Hartman, runs special sometimes on what used to be on the CBS News, but it’s always a feel good.

Love Yourself

Try and fit. Not always, but it’s always a feel good story. And it’s always one that is kind of touching. I think, too. He does it often on CBS Sunday morning. It’s where I catch a lot of them now. But I can always bring me to tears pretty easily. I just, I really have a soft spot for people who beat all odds. And kondos advice applies to anybody, you know, one day at a time, take it one day at a time. I love the parenting advice from his perspective of being a young parent himself. The other thing too, is, you know, he’s always he’s been working on himself, he’s made it a priority to work on himself after his experience in the psych hospital. That’s when he got that advice himself was to take it one day at a time, he shares a lot of several books that he recommends would read or hear a lot about is the importance of loving yourself.

And you can’t give to others what you can’t give to yourself. But how hard is that right? It is really hard. Well, the act of doing it isn’t hard. But it’s all the others stuff and gunk and sludgy messes in your heart that kind of are wet make it hard, right? And so healing really is, to me. It’s not a laughing matter. But I mean, you look at it that way. Some soldiers survive multiple deployments come home, and surviving life is the greatest battle they ever fight. The center view brought back memories for me of my time in the military. I was in the North Dakota Army National Guard, whereas Ruthie was full time. So granted, the experiences are very different. I also, I deployed but I had deployed to Iraq, as a medic. And so we left the wire every single day to clear roadside bombs. That was that was my battalions job, and I went along as the medic with my platoon. And so every day when you got back, you survived another day, and we did lose soldiers on our deployment.

But it’s life at home that can sometimes bring, like I said, the biggest challenges we face in for Ruthie, it was a real blend of the two it was this life at home. Where, when she’s not in uniform, she’s a civilian.

P.S. But also within each episode, bringing a balance right to the depth of pain to the other side to the lighter side of what’s their joy. And so you’ll start to see that kind of transform a little bit in the interviews coming up. But until then, remember that when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Until next time, much love.