Takeaways & Reflections from Ep. 28 & 29 | Breaking the Cycle
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Episode 28 with Quandell Wright offered me a perspective of what life was like for him growing up on the streets of Detroit, MI. He had to grow up fast, growing up with a single-parenting mom during his younger years, and how he found himself in a gang. I share thoughts about how easily a parent can make parenting choices based on fear.
I share, from Ruthie Bowles episode (Episode 29) more about my thoughts on how the traumas that happen to us, like sexual assault, impact our parenting. I also include the tips Ruthie shared from her episode on what to look for in a friend whose behavior has changed and seems to be keeping something from you.
These two stories are an excellent representation of how our experiences, both growing up, and as adults, change us, thereby, also change in how we move about in the world, and yes, parent.
These illustrate how important it is to take ownership of our lives and empower ourselves with new knowledge; challenging what we were brought up to believe to be true about grief and break the cycle so many of us find ourselves in.
Resources Mentioned:
Quick Link to Previous Episodes:
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And so today I just want to share a little bit more behind the interviews with Quandell and Ruthie and I’ll start with Quandell, the one thing I’m finding I love, really love about podcasting is I almost describe like it’s like reading a book. You know, I prefer a book in my hands always have, but it’s like reading a book. But listening to the audio version, from the person’s words, and like a book, through story were taken to another place another time, and another life another way of being another experience that probably is not at all, like our own. And that was Quandell story for me. I’m a white woman growing up in rural North Dakota. And I’d only heard just a little snippet of Quandell’s story before I asked him to be on the podcast.
And yeah, it was kind of for selfish reasons, because I really wanted to understand from his perspective, what it was like, growing up where he did, and it was in the rough parts of Detroit, where there was gang activity, and where he had found himself within the chaos of that life. And so I really was very curious to learn more about what life was like for him. And what it’s like for many people who experienced a similar situation like him. Because you know, the thing is, when we can hear other people’s stories, get an understanding of where they’re coming from, why they maybe feel the way they feel about certain things, what they believe in why they believe those things, we gain understanding. And when there’s understanding there’s more so to be likely compassion. And so that is my hope that you hear these stories, Quandells, Ruthies any of these stories, and you have more compassion, that we are all human beings doing the best we can walk in our own journey. Whether it’s in rural North Dakota, in the military, like Ruthie or in the streets of Detroit.
A Story of Determination on Surviving Life
So Quandell really touched my heart in a unique for the Hard Knocks of life. And, you know, I don’t know what it’s like to be a single mother, growing, you know, raising children in poverty on the streets of Detroit, but I can sympathize and empathize with the fear of what that means of not knowing if or when your child will make it home, alive. And so this fear is what perpetuates this feeling of I gotta prepare you, I’ve got to toughen you up so that you can stand up for yourself. And through Quandell’s story. Like I said, despite everything, he opened up his home to some men, where they would have a space to share. And I saw this determination and him to make something of his life through his creativity, his passion and his work for his clothing line, and the how deeply rooted. That was, for him growing up as a as a young child, drawing and doodling. And the influence that he got from his grandfather, but then yet didn’t even realize until much later in life. It was just this story of how do you claw your way out of all of that? And if you haven’t listened to the episode, he attempted suicide three times. And it was on the third time that he ended up in a psych hospital that changed his life. But he also became a young father at 16. And again, 19. And so there’s all these elements at play in his life that, you know, the odds are stacked against him.
And yet I see this man was sharing his story. And I couldn’t believe that he was sitting. I was looking at him, and he was sharing it with me, right? So I’ve had several of those types of interviews. It’s always humbling to me. that have been transformative in his healing and in his life. Several of them I’d read that he shared and some I hadn’t. I particularly loved the towards the end of the episode to where his advice was to smile. At the end, he said, Look in the mirror and smile at yourself. And for Quandell he has the gap between his teeth. And he said I always hated my smile. And I did look into he said, you know, getting it fixed, but you know, it’d be a lot, you know, a couple $1,000. And then if I got braces, and you have to wear a retainer for the rest of your life either. Now, that ain’t for me. Loving myself is just a little bit easier, cheaper. Maybe I don’t know if it’s easier because it is hard. You know, when you’ve had traumatic experiences and you’ve lived through your own living hell. It can be really difficult to give love to the first person that you should be giving it to and that’s yourself. When I first started my personal development journey. It’s such an overused word, but it’s the truth. It is a journey. One of the things that just peeling back the layers, unlearning all of the garbage that were taught growing up, whether it was well intentioned or not, our parents do what they know, with what they have at the time.
And, you know, here’s the thing too, like how we parent, our children definitely is influenced, not definitely it is influenced by how we were raised. Because that our belief systems are formed in childhood, they’re developed in childhood. And, like I said, whether intentionally or not, we learn what we learn. So as adults, we have a lot of unlearning to do more often than not, because our parents bring their traumas and their hurts and their pains into their parenting and how they parent and what they say and how they say it, and such as the generational cyclic learning. And so it really is up to each and every one of us to take ownership 1%, at least 1% responsibility for our lives and everything in it, and every one in it, that is there. And they are there. Because in some, whether subconsciously or consciously we chose it we choose every single day. And we can choose love and light and moving towards that direction. I’ll be it if it causes us pain and suffering along the way to unlearn and unpack and undo, and re learn new tools and new knowledge. Or we can continue to go in the opposite direction, and towards pain and more suffering and keep repeating the same patterns of behavior that brought us to that pain and additional suffering in the first place. So I hope you listen to Quandell’s episode and you consider how his parenting could have been influenced very differently, how there could be a very strong possibility that he wouldn’t have even had known as children, his children wouldn’t have known him had he not decided and chose a different path for himself. And he says, you know, not everything is perfect, I’m not perfect. It’s unlearning is an unraveling all the knots of become our lives takes time. It’s not an overnight process at all, but he’s working towards it. And that’s what I saw in him. Is this determination to be the best self he can possibly be.
A Story of Sexual Assault While Serving in the Military
Episode 29th Guest Ruthie Bowles shared her story of sexual assault while serving in the military. Her first experience was with a boyfriend, which not many people may consider that yes, you can be sexually assaulted. While you’re in a relationship. He has no means no. Right? Which we do get into and did get into in that episode. So I do hope you listen. But the second time was also when the day she got back from deployment, which is striking because, you know, you deploy to, I believe it was, I want to say she said Afghanistan, she deployed to Afghanistan comes home and is assaulted in her own barracks room. Ironic, in a way in all that. And I think so many soldiers actually, who survives a deployment, because honestly, if you were being shot at you survived deployment. And when she’s in uniform, she’s military personnel. And so there’s this duality of existence for time when you’re active duty. And she describes her uniform as a shield that she didn’t realize she was wearing after these events took place. And that really struck me because you really don’t have to wear a uniform to build that shield, right? But for her because her experiences took place with other military personnel, her rank became something to that was a part of her shield. And she lived up to this identity that she had created for herself of one that I’m not someone you mess with. And yet at the same time, what sexual assault did to her was create this conflict of and we talked about, and this is what struck me what came up, because I think it’s really something that a lot of women or men, or anyone who is sexually assaulted experiences is that you would think, you know, because you’re sexually assaulted, you aren’t interested in sex, and that your relationships are turned off and, and what have you.
But the other side of that is that you can have this feeling of where does your self worth go? Where do your boundaries go? You probably didn’t have any and that’s what led or can was a contributing factor to what built you up to be find yourself in a position like that. Because like I said, it goes back to our upbringing. And if you don’t feel a strong sense of self, I think you’re more vulnerable to people who can manipulate and take advantage. Make you feel less than you lack self confidence, self assurance, not sure really who you are. Because a lot of people I mean, how many 18 year old really know who they are. So all these things combined her upbringing, your beliefs, your sense, like the level of sense of self that you have mixin and, you know, a military training that’s supposed to break you down and build you up. But like Ruthie says, and I would agree with that, that’s really what happens. I went to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, and they yelled at you, there’s mostly men, and the culture back then was I don’t know what it’s like now. But that was the idea is that they tear you down so they can build you up. There’s a lot of components to that that are missing, because they don’t know what your upbringing was like, when you sign the dotted line and say you’re willing to give up your life for your country. They don’t ask you, well had you been sexually assaulted before? Have you suffered the loss of a parent at a young age? Did you see someone die when you were young? All these different experiences that contribute to what we call and, you know, grief recovery, but they’re in psychology, they’re called aces, adverse childhood experiences, and consider each adverse childhood experience as an ace.
And the more you have, the more likely you are to experience or find yourself having an addiction. And all these, you know, a mental disorder, or undiagnosed depression are all these numbers of things that can happen as a result, because those experiences change you on a physical, physiological, and chemically like your brain, at a cellular level. So none of those things are taken in consideration when you sign the dotted line. And then when you go on deploy, and you see your battle, buddy die, you were shot out, you go out of the wire every single day and wonder if you’re going to make it back. You hear of other battalions or platoons that go out before you who suffer losses of life. It’s this fight, flight or freeze that Ruthie mentioned that I think the freeze part isn’t often Yeah, kind of ignored. It’s like you think you know how you’re going to react in a certain situation, but you really don’t know until you’re in it right? And so what she said to as unhelpful to her is that people would say, well, when this was happening to you, why didn’t you fight back? Why didn’t you cry for help? For some people? I would say, How do you know I didn’t? And if I did, it obviously didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because we cannot control what other people think feel or do just as Ruthie said.
When Shame Came Up
How easily someone can find themselves in a position of doing something that isn’t in their nature or their character. But because of alcohol, or because of peer pressure, or a combination of both, may do something that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. My husband and I actually just talked about this, the day before I’m recording this. And my thought around it was that, you know, in shame, shame came up. Because people that carry shame, they show you, they show you shame, and how they behave, the choices they make, how they treat others, a lot of us, many of us carry shame. And it can look very differently for everyone. And I think for the most part, if you feel guilty about something, you likely have shame. And so I loved how that came up when she was talking about raising her boys. Because I really do think it’s important that there are decisions that we may make in life that we aren’t necessarily proud of. And it’s that shame that either keeps us stuffing our feelings with food, sex, drugs, gambling, all these STERBS, the short term energy relieving behaviors that I talked about in grief recovery.
That grief recovery actually helps to bring to light to help you recognize to bring an awareness around what you do, in response to shame to grieve to your feelings, and then arm you with new knowledge and tools to navigate and rid yourself of that. A part of Ruthie story that also came up. I brought actually just I think it was a few days before I’d interviewed her the Vanessa Guillen’s story on 2020 aired, or perhaps no, it was a recording actually, I DVR it and had watched it just actually before Ruth is episode recorded. And I wanted to share the stats once again, that I’d read in an article referring to the Vanessa Guillen case, who if you don’t know she was a soldier in the military at Fort Hood, who had been being sexually harassed by a superior ranking enlisted soldier. And she was planning to press charges or report that person and she ended up dead for it. He killed her in a really horrific way. And but one of the points highlighted in the story was that every year that 20,000 service members are sexually assaulted. Now, Ruthie pointed out that’s of people that report. So I think she and I both agree that that number is actually more likely quite higher, substantially higher, I would would say, of those 20,000 5000 will actually report 500 of those would be court martialed, and of those 500 to 250 would actually be convicted. And again, I mean, how do they estimate 20,000 when only 5000 report? So yeah, when you hear that? It’s like how is raising boys versus girls possibly any easier. I would agree with Ruthie and I’m so glad she highlighted that and brought that up in the episode.
Revictimization
Another aspect of her story that she brought up is this re victimization that she experienced, you know, of having to repeat her story of, you know, having the proof and then it accidentally being destroyed her case not going anywhere. And, you know, years later, many years later now, it’s still dragging now because she’s, you know, trying to get some sort of benefit for, you know, PTSD that she still is living with as a result of her experiences. So I hope the VA does the right thing. But if they don’t, you know, she’s back at square one, having to work through and navigate that disappointment all over again, this let down feeling of an entity that you swore your life to protect, to serve. So I love that she shared some tips of how she began to heal, she talks about things to look out for and friends who may have been sexually assaulted themselves. And one is changes in behavior. So that’s where we kind of talked about, you know, this idea that just because you’ve been sexually assaulted, you’re an interested in sex anymore. But you know, the opposite can happen where you actually just kind of get this I don’t care, attitude, our I’m going to get you before you get me. I’m going to give it to you before I before I say no, and you take it away. So this influx of relationships, you know, the subsequent relationships, gaslighting were another thing she said to look out for was gaslighting, where someone may ask you, you know what’s going on seems like something, something’s up. And they’re like, No, nothing’s wrong, but you seem a little off lately, or there’s something going on with you, you know, and they kind of turn it around on you make you seem like you’re the crazy one for asking.
Good at Redirecting Conversation
Another point she made was, they’re really good at redirecting conversation, which kind of plays into the whole gaslighting thing. And she also says to be gentle, but focused. So I understand that I like how she put it where you’re going to have to knock on this door several times, until I feel safe with you to open up until I can know and feel comfortable that you’re ready to hear what I have to share. And that’s a poignant point, because a lot of people and I think until you’ve been a victim yourself of sexual assault, you really don’t understand that depth. Again, it comes back to you think you know what you would do? And until it happens to you, you know, you don’t. A lot of good stuff in both of the episodes.
I hope you take a listen. And maybe your tact and your approach changes a little bit because of something you’ve heard on this on this podcast. It is very much for Grievers, but also for non Grievers and so I hope that starting to that bigger picture, that bigger vision for this podcast, I hope is starting to become more clear why this is so important to me. I do have some lighter questions that I’m working into the episodes coming up. You know, this has been a learning process. I’m learning as I go. And there was one episode with Victoria Shah, that I got some feedback that they liked that it was, you know, she shared her story of like losing herself and things like that. But yeah, it was it seemed lighter, it was like a lighter, felt lighter, but yet it was still helpful if you’re a griever. And so I’m looking to do a little bit more of that.
And I was a reminder of, there are people that have lived some really terrible atrocities in their life, and they’ve made it to the other side. I’ve always loved a good triumph story. I was a kid, even now, like commercials like our stories I see. Oh, Jim Hartman is a can always bring me to tears. Jim Hartman, runs special sometimes on what used to be on the CBS News, but it’s always a feel good.
Love Yourself
Try and fit. Not always, but it’s always a feel good story. And it’s always one that is kind of touching. I think, too. He does it often on CBS Sunday morning. It’s where I catch a lot of them now. But I can always bring me to tears pretty easily. I just, I really have a soft spot for people who beat all odds. And kondos advice applies to anybody, you know, one day at a time, take it one day at a time. I love the parenting advice from his perspective of being a young parent himself. The other thing too, is, you know, he’s always he’s been working on himself, he’s made it a priority to work on himself after his experience in the psych hospital. That’s when he got that advice himself was to take it one day at a time, he shares a lot of several books that he recommends would read or hear a lot about is the importance of loving yourself.
And you can’t give to others what you can’t give to yourself. But how hard is that right? It is really hard. Well, the act of doing it isn’t hard. But it’s all the others stuff and gunk and sludgy messes in your heart that kind of are wet make it hard, right? And so healing really is, to me. It’s not a laughing matter. But I mean, you look at it that way. Some soldiers survive multiple deployments come home, and surviving life is the greatest battle they ever fight. The center view brought back memories for me of my time in the military. I was in the North Dakota Army National Guard, whereas Ruthie was full time. So granted, the experiences are very different. I also, I deployed but I had deployed to Iraq, as a medic. And so we left the wire every single day to clear roadside bombs. That was that was my battalions job, and I went along as the medic with my platoon. And so every day when you got back, you survived another day, and we did lose soldiers on our deployment.
But it’s life at home that can sometimes bring, like I said, the biggest challenges we face in for Ruthie, it was a real blend of the two it was this life at home. Where, when she’s not in uniform, she’s a civilian.
P.S. But also within each episode, bringing a balance right to the depth of pain to the other side to the lighter side of what’s their joy. And so you’ll start to see that kind of transform a little bit in the interviews coming up. But until then, remember that when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Until next time, much love.