Anger is a powerful emotion. It has a direct effect on our bodies physiologically and biologically. Early on, as children, we learn the physical cues of anger. For example, when you see someone make a fist before they hit someone or something, the facial expression when the brow narrows, and there is visual tension in the face, particularly the jaw area. The person’s face may even turn red, and their voice will get louder, depending on how angry they are. Their breathing pattern may shorten and become more shallow, too. They may even pace the room.
If you’ve been taught that anger is a “bad” emotion and it’s not one to be expressed, you may have become a pro at containing it. So, the physical cues will be different for those who are practicing constraint of anger. For someone working hard to contain their anger, their breathing pattern will change; it may become louder and perhaps slower as a conscious effort to remain calm. You may look for a way to expend that energy physically (such as exercise, cleaning, pacing, etc.). However, internally, I feel much of the same is going on – blood pressure is rising, adrenaline is pumping, and eventually, something has to give. Some people may vacillate between the two descriptions, too. I know, for me, I would start by trying my darndest to contain my anger but, eventually, would find myself yelling (even screaming), slamming doors, getting physical, and sometimes, too, I would often end up crying.
There is a sense of shame often felt after becoming angry. Again, this ties back to the beliefs we’re taught about anger. We must raise the future generations that there are healthy ways to utilize and channel anger. It serves a valuable purpose.
Anger is our cue that something feels unfair or unjust. We also may not feel as though we are living in integrity with our own values and expectations. Expectations are huge, anyway, when it comes to our relationships. There’s a quote I heard in my grief recovery training: “Expectations are planned disappointments.” Or, said in another way:
Expectations destroy our peace of mind. They are future disappointments planned out in advance.
– Elizabeth George
My husband says this phrase that, for a long time, drove me nuts. And, it drove me nuts because I was a person who would analyze everything. The phrase? “No one can make you angry; you make yourself angry.” Annoying, right? I have had to remind him of his own words. LOL! But, his sage words began to make more sense the more I worked through my unaddressed anger through grief recovery. As long as I was blaming another for my anger, I learned how disempowering that is and how I felt like a victim. However, once I learned that my feelings around that individual were showing up as anger because of undelivered communications, well then, that was something I could do something about. And that’s empowering stuff.
Anger Norms in Society
Although many of us are taught that anger isn’t an emotion that’s acceptable to express, society seems to often view those who rule with an iron fist as tempered, angry people. These “rulers” have the capability to control their anger with reason. It’s a persona, I believe, that is lived into. We aren’t born angry; quite the contrary. We’re born with the innate desire to love and be loved. It’s somehow anger that gets in the way of that ability; it clouds our judgment and causes us to say things we later regret and go against our desire, not intended to cause harm. And yes, the opposite is true; some have an intent to cause harm. Those who are filled with so much rage that it’s them versus the world, in their mind. These are people that can’t be reasoned with because reason itself has no place in their mind. I would ask, instead: “What happened to you that makes you angry?”
Here’s a quote shared by blogger Dan Spira that I find interesting in talking about anger:
“..we sometimes praise those who are harsh-tempered as manly, and fitted to command. It is therefore not easy to pronounce on principle what degree and manner of error is blameworthy, since this is a matter of the particular circumstances, and judgement rests with the faculty of perception. But thus much at all events is clear, that the middle disposition is praiseworthy, which leads us to be angry with the right people for the right things in the right manner and so on… ”
– Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics, Book IV Chapter 5,
English Translation by H. Rackham (1926)
Furthermore, here’s an excerpt from Dan’s blog post (which I found by Googling: “What’s the opposite of anger?”):
Tame it [anger] too much, and it gets snuffed out completely into apathy or “spiritlessness.” Most popular psychology and therapy are built around this Aristotelian concept of balanced, virtuous Anger (he called it “good temper“) and the idea of having a healthy, under-control release valve of emotional tension.
In other words, get angry; it’s a valid emotion; however, don’t allow yourself to get too carried away or “aroused” by it.
In the work that I do, I know it is often the “aroused” anger that prompts people to take action in their lives, too, finally. It’s this idea of being “sick and tired of being sick and tired” of one’s own crap.
Anger, Evil-doers, and the Energy of Anger
Our reaction to our own anger, and that of others, can be traced back to the beliefs about anger that we were raised to believe. I have this belief that those who do evil things must be angry people. And I have struggled for a long time with the notion that people are born evil. It’s probably why I’m fascinated by real-life murder stories/shows/podcasts. I have been trying to understand the part of society that harms others. What is it about the upbringing that made them (i.e., evil people) do horrible (sometimes unspeakable) things? Who were they before they did such evil things? What are the signs of such evil-doers? I suppose, too, and it really only occurred to me as I’m writing this now, having been a victim of someone who had the intent to harm; perhaps it’s my quest to better understand why, what happened to me, happened in the first place. I happen to know a lot about the history, and truthfully, it helps me look at the perpetrator with compassion. Granted, I say this after having done a lot of inner-work, too. Was I angry for a long time for what happened to me? Absolutely, I was. Given that those events also happened on the heels of my dad’s illness and subsequent death, and simultaneously when a lot of change was already happening in my life, I had a lot to be angry about.
I recognize anger (particularly hidden anger) in children quite easily, I believe, due to my experiences. And generally, my antenna of intuition, when I meet people, has become acutely attuned to the energy of others. This sensitivity to the energy of others used to be very taxing and draining until I learned to protect my own energy rather than taking everyone’s energy in as my own. However, it’s become a blessing. It’s as if I am a TSA agent armed with one of those metal detector wands. Rather than scanning for metal, I’m scanning the person’s energy where I can sense what they’re feeling without them saying a word. I get a vibe if the person feels like a “safe” person or something off about them. This is especially common, I believe, for those who grew up in chaotic, harmful, or dangerous environments. It’s a constant fight-or-flight of having to figure out who is safe and who isn’t, assessing the surroundings, and looking for danger.
What I am getting at, by sharing about the energetics of anger, is that it’s often palpable energy I pick up on. People’s choice of words, tone of voice, body language are all reflected by the state of one’s emotions. In a nutshell: all frequencies are equal to the issue at hand. This is true of every aspect of our body, whether emotional, physical, spiritual, or psychological. The energy (i.e., vibrational frequency) we give off in the world around us is also returned to us. It’s why it is so critical for those grieving to pay attention to their personal energy and that of others around them. An angry (in the moment) griever will bring a different frequency of energy versus a griever who is sad (in the moment). And, in grief, we can feel these and more in a span of moments. So, it’s really about elevating our personal energy – which is the sole responsibility, anyway. It’s not your responsibility to raise the vibrational frequency of the grievers around you no more than it’s their responsibility to raise yours.
I feel like I’ve taken the topic of anger down a deep rabbit hole. However, I think it’s important we look at the broader impact (and usefulness) of anger. We can be highly motivated to make something happen when we’re angry. And, if you think about it, when you’ve been angry, you’ve likely felt more compelled to move someone else to action rather than taking action yourself. Am I right? So, the better question here is: do you want to be a victim, or do you want to empower yourself?
Anger & Grief
I also think it’s important to mention that not all grievers will experience anger. Yes, it is often a factor in our difficult relationships with less than loved ones. Yet, to presume that someone is angry because of a loss is incorrect. For example, if you had a lovely relationship with someone who died, they lived a long, full life but became ill and died. You may feel relief that it wasn’t a long, drawn-out illness where your loved one suffered. Furthermore, if you had recently seen your loved one and shared all that you wanted to share, expressed your love and appreciation for them, and said goodbye, anger would likely not play a role in that scenario. However, had the relationship or scenario been different, if they were less than loving, or you couldn’t see them before they passed away, you may experience anger in this situation. In summary, do not believe that anger is an automatic part of unresolved grief.
In today’s blog post, you’ve learned:
the physical ques of anger
what anger is revealing to us
my personal perspective of anger and evil-doers
the role anger plays in our lives
about the energy of anger
why to never assume a griever is angry over a loss
I hope this has offered a perspective on anger you hadn’t considered and that you found it educational. Anger is a broad topic, with many more rabbit hole opportunities to dig into more deeply.
In summary, anger is a valid emotion and is a clue that something isn’t sitting well with our spirit. Rather than let the anger set you on a disempowering and dangerous path, perhaps a better approach is to sit with the anger. Look at it for what it’s revealing to you and ask yourself what you need to do at that moment; that would help release it in a helpful way. This makes me think of scenarios on playgrounds that play out time and time again. There’s the bully and the bullied. And, often (more often than not), it’s both – the bully is often bullied. And, even if the child isn’t bullied in school, what is happening at home? Where the child feels powerless, unheard, or maybe even worse – disregarded or unseen? I must say, if that were you as an adult, you’d be angry, too, wouldn’t you? And, my friend, it bears repeating: adulthood is childhood reenactments. I’m not saying every child who is bullied as a child becomes a bullying adult. But, I would argue that 9 out of 10 times, that adult has unaddressed childhood anger showing up in their life in other ways. Because, at its root, anger is sadness that will always find a way to express itself; somehow, in some way, at some point in time – even if it’s 20 years from now. That’s the sneakiness of anger – and grief.
Once upon a time, 2016’ish, to be more precise, I thought I was doing pretty well emotionally. I had officially closed my boutique photography studio, started a blog, and was writing regularly about what I had learned and experienced throughout the previous two years. I had also hired a life coach, was reading a lot of self-help books and landed a job that matches my desire for flexibility and variety. Things were on the up and up and, I was optimistic about my future. However, for two years straight, I felt like a trainwreck.
During those two years, as my health declined, and I felt like I was never going to do anything meaningful with my life (being a mom wasn’t enough for me), it was a discovery process of what I needed to address emotionally, what wasn’t working in my life, and what I needed to change. This was also on the heels of unaddressed post-partum depression. And ultimately, what started to happen was decades of unresolved grief started to manifest in my business and life during that time, too.
Fast-forward to 2017, after three years of personal development work, an opportunity fell into my lap and the book that I longed to write was starting to come to fruition. My dream of one day writing a book was actually becoming a reality! Nearly every weekday morning, for two months straight, I got up at 5:30 AM to write. Then, while in the editing phase of the book, I would be hit with a loss that would bring up the deepest, unaddressed wound I had – the loss of my dad. My dad’s only living brother, and the one whom my dad was closest to, had brain cancer. And, the moment I heard the news that he was in the hospital, I decided right then I needed to see him, despite the thirty years that had passed since my dad’s funeral, which was the last time I ever saw him. So, the same day of receiving the news, I went to see him; not knowing if he’d want to see me, recognize me, or even if he was well enough to have a conversation. With a knock on that hospital door, the trajectory of my life would change, solely on that one decision, to knock on his hospital door. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and yet, I felt with every intuitive bone in me, that was exactly where I was meant to be.
The visit was incredibly healing, and the timing divine, because within fifteen minutes of my arrival, his daughter and niece arrived, neither of whom I’d seen since a kid. We were all shocked to see each other there and it was a moment I will never forget. And, the months that followed, were the greatest gift to my heart, as I would be gifted with several more visits with my uncle, and with his passing, I had felt we both received a gift we hadn’t expected, and one that would have never been possible had I not chosen to put my ego aside, risk my own heart, and knock on that door.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, grief makes us feel like we don’t have choices. Let this story illustrate to you that we always, always have a choice. And, doing nothing is a choice, too. That one act led to me realizing that I wasn’t okay. The inner-work that I had been doing up to that point, albeit not wasted, hadn’t actually addressed the root of all of my issues – the grief! It was that experience with my uncle that prompted a Google search that landed me on The Grief Recovery Institute website, which led to me registering for certification that was later canceled (I couldn’t believe it), that led to me booking a flight to Austin, TX to do my training there scheduled for the same time. I knew what I needed and I wasn’t about to let anything stop me at that point. Again, I had another choice to make. Do I take that cancelation as the end-all, be-all option? Or, do I find the resources to make, what I knew I intuitively was guided to, happen no matter the extra cost? I obviously chose the latter. Again, I had a decision to make; I could choose to live in my grief another year, which is what it would’ve been before another training within driving distance would’ve taken place, or answer the call of my heart. Thankfully, I chose wisely and, my heart has not been the same since.
It was not until after grief recovery where I knew I was healing. Surprise! But, it’s absolutely the truth. Because, for the first time in my life, I was able to have conversations I had never been able to have with the people closest to me, and not find myself a wreck for days that followed. The more I utilized the tools and knowledge of grief recovery, the less I looked to others to give me what I needed to be giving myself (love, affirmation, validation, etc.). My confidence started to grow and my self-awareness was through the roof. It was as if the veil of grief (which I’ve spoken about on my podcast) had been lifted and, I was seeing my life (past and present) with new eyes. I had the most life-changing experience when I went through the grief recovery method. And, it’s in knowing how hard it is to do the work, how emotionally and physically taxing it feels in the process, that I can guide others through the same process. It is anything but easy. And, it brings up stuff that you thought was long buried. However, in grief, you’re already suffering. You may as well be suffering and moving your feet. You may as well be moving one foot in front of the other, knowing that week by week of going through the process, you’re shedding another layer, and lifting that veil of grief higher and higher, until you, too, see clearly. Grief recovery is a clarifier of your life, a purifier of your heart, and allows you to be an emotional processing plant rather than the emotional storage tank you have been.
10 Ways You Know You’re Healing Emotionally
You find yourself changing your behaviors. Where you used to get angry about something someone said/did, you can step back from the situation and consider why that reaction provoked you. You may also be choosing healthier options in food, drink, or even friends.
You’ve discovered what your boundaries are and have implemented them in your relationships and life.
You’re no longer a pile of tears in the fetal position after you start talking about a story of loss or something that happened to you.
You no longer feel the need to share the story with anyone who will listen. By this, I mean that you’re not sharing with the intention of needing or getting something in return: sympathy, validation, affirmation, etc. You find yourself sharing because 1. you were asked 2. because you have found your way beyond the pain and want to share to inspire and connect. You understand grief because you’ve been there. You understand life beyond it, too, though, because it no longer dictates your life either.
When other people share their emotional stories, it doesn’t bring up your emotional pain thereby, causing an emotional reaction in you.
You see opportunities where there was once fear.
You feel hopeful about your future.
You find yourself pausing, bringing awareness to your feelings, before responding to situations or people with your emotions. The phrase I tell myself, “I don’t know what I don’t know” is my go-to to help me with this one.
When wounds from the past, that you long thought you buried, come up out of the blue, rather than resort to the same behaviors you used to, to feel better at that moment, you sit with all of the feelings, and seek support or help to work through it.
You ask for help. We do not heal on an island. We heal in community with others; with support, guidance, and a heart with ears.
I hope today’s blog post provided some good insight into healing; that it’s a journey of self-discovery and every choice you make can either make or break your path to healing your heart.
We go to the doctor when we have a broken bone. We go to the dentist when we have a broken tooth. And yet, when we have a broken heart, we somehow think we can intellectually and logically heal hearts.
You can’t heal the heart with the head. You must tap into your heart. It is necessary to dig up the past if you want to heal it. Those that feel differently about that are likely not ready (or willing) to face what has long been emotionally unresolved within themselves.
My word of caution to all those hurting today reading this: be careful who you take your advice from; it could potentially be more harmful and hurtful to your healing. Many people value freedom. However, where most people miss the mark is understanding that the most difficult prison to break free from is the prison of one’s own mind. Being attentive to your heart will bring you the kind of freedom that can’t be bought. The caveat? You have to choose to do the difficult inner-work to get there. And, doing that is also choosing a more fulfilling, emotionally stable, and joy-filled life.
P.S. TODAY, 6/11, is the ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my podcast GRIEVING VOICES!!! 📣🥳Thank you so much for listening, sharing, reviewing, rating, being a guest if you have been one (or are upcoming), and overall support! I am a one-woman show when it comes to the podcast, and I’ve definitely learned a TON along the way. And to think, I was hesitant and unsure right away because I wasn’t sure anyone would want to share their stories. And now, people wanting to be guests pop up left and right. And, if you are wanting to be a guest, and share your story, please head HERE and fill out this form. I don’t care if you’re an expert in a field or not; the premise of the show is to share your grieving voice and story. Everything beyond that is secondary.
We all, as grievers (or otherwise, for that matter) tend to reply with the expression “I’m fine,” when asked how we’re doing. After experiencing loss, we do this because it is often just easier than leaving the conversation of how we typically feel – misunderstood and unsupported.
In this episode, learn why “I’m fine” is damaging to ourselves, but also equally damaging as a message we’re sending to children and to society.
If we could tell the emotional truth about ourselves, we can then begin to talk about grief like we talk about the weather.
I also touch on behaviors we resort to in grief when we either “explode” or “implode.” Next week, I dive deeper into these behaviors.
Are you wanting more content like this? Head on over to Instagram or Facebook where I share more info just like this, and say hello!
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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We also see often enshrinement and enshrinement in its most damaging form can include obsessively building these memorials to the person who died. An example would be if a mother lost a child and did not change a single item in their child’s room. Let’s say even five years that the child has been deceased. Often with enshrinement, we can also hear comments like you must not speak ill of the dead. And people tend to have a difficult time looking accurately at all aspects of the relationship. Now we don’t suggest that you run around bad-mouthing anybody living or dead but the suggestion is that it’s impossible to complete the pain caused by death, divorce, or any other significant emotional loss without looking at everything about the relationship, not just the positive. The opposite of enshrinement is bedevilment. The griever has a litany of complaints derailing, a lifetime of mistreatment. They’re unwilling to let go of disappointments and anger with the devilment, the griever clings to the negatives just as the in Shriner clings to the positives, but neither views the entire relationship. The thing to keep in mind is that all relationships include both positive and negative interactions. We know that you can complete grief only by being totally honest with yourself and others.
Academy Award Recovery | Seeking Approval of Others
Academy Award Recovery behavior also keeps us seeking the approval of others. We all like praise and compliments. We all like approval, and we all want to be seen as smart, strong, and mature. We all want to feel as if we are a part of a group. This need is learned during early childhood and often reinforced to the point of obsession. Earlier it was mentioned, the large percentage of comments made to grieving people following a loss is not helpful. Grievers are advised to take actions that merely distract or convert feelings into intellectual ideas. Since approval is such a powerful aspect of our social skills, we try to conform to the ideas suggested to us following a loss. If we use the example of a miscarriage or the loss of a young child, people might say, well, you should be grateful that you can have other children or it was just not meant to be. Or how about this one, you’re strong enough to handle it? Well, intellectually all these statements might be true, they still don’t help deal with feelings. This becomes a double-edged sword because although we want the approval of those around us, we may still not feel supported by our family or friends. In an attempt to feel better, we opt for Academy Award Recovery. After pretending for so long that we’re fine, we start to believe in ourselves. If I asked you, if you like to be lied to, the answer would likely be “no”. However, if I asked you if you’ve lied about your feelings following a loss, the answer would probably be “yes”. It is very sad to realize that we have been taught to lie about our feelings for fear of being judged or criticized. The danger of I’m fine is that it does not help the broken heart. Saying I’m fine just distracts us and others, while the pain and loneliness persist on the inside. The net effect is to create a scab over an infection, leaving a mess underneath. Is it any surprise then that all of this pretending and I’m finding to everyone else around that it’s just exhausting to the point where you have no energy left? Sometimes all a griever can do is get out of bed and go through the motions of a day, a week, a month, and eventually was my case 30 years of living life on autopilot.
Unresolved Grief
Unresolved grief consumes tremendous amounts of energy. Most commonly the grief stays buried under the surface and only the symptoms are treated. Many people including mental health professionals misunderstand the fact that unresolved loss is cumulative and it’s cumulatively negative. Human energy is used most efficiently when our minds and our bodies are in harmony. Unresolved grief tends to separate us from ourselves. As an example, how many times have you been driving down the road and suddenly realize that for the last three blocks, you were anywhere but driving the car, perhaps you were in your head having a conversation with someone who was not in the car? And quite often those Phantom conversations are with someone who has died. More likely than not these conversations represent an aspect of unfinished emotional business between you and someone else living or dead. Holding on to incomplete emotions consumes enormous amounts of energy. All of this pretending also leads to a loss of liveliness and spontaneity that is almost impossible to overcome. Many people fall into a trap of quiet desperation sometimes feeling good, sometimes feeling bad, but never being able to return to a state of full happiness and joy. We pay a high price for the incorrect information we have about dealing with loss. Each time a loss is not properly concluded, there is a cumulative restriction on our likeness. Life becomes something to endure. The world seems like a hostile place in which to live.
Because of Misinformation
Because of misinformation, we never had a fair chance to deal effectively with the loss events in our lives. Maybe like me, you’ve tried many things to improve your sense of happiness and well-being. And yet maybe despite all of those attempts, you still feel this emotional dis-ease within you like I had felt for so long. What do you think happens after all of this time of pretending and saying I’m fine and denying how we truly feel feeling unsafe to share how we really feel? Since we have been socialized from early on to deal with sad, painful, and negative emotions incorrectly, we end up storing that energy inside ourselves. A little story to illustrate this is let’s say a child comes home from preschool with her feelings hurt from another child on the playground. The caretaker says what happened? and the child responds tearfully that one of the kids was mean to her. And the caretaker says, Don’t cry here have a cookie you’ll feel better. Thus, setting the child up with a lifetime belief from an important authority source that feelings can be fixed with food. Upon eating the cookie, the child feels different, not better, for the moment is distracted and forgets about the incident on the playground. However, there has been no completion of the emotional pain caused by the event. The emotional pain and the feelings attached to it are now buried under the cookie, the sugar, and the distraction. If the child were to bring it up sometime later, she would probably be told, we don’t cry over spilled milk. As if to say that it is not okay to continue having feelings about the incident, so it must stay buried. Early on, we learn to cover up hide, or bury our feelings under food. It is not surprising that sometime later, we adapt that same behavior and cover-up our feelings under alcohol or other drugs. We may have learned to do so by observing family members at funerals or wakes, consuming large amounts of food and alcohol. Consuming food or alcohol in response to the emotional energy created by death or divorce does not help us discover the source of the energy or complete the relationship affected by our loss. Therefore, we are participating in an illusion that the short-term relief offered by food or alcohol gives us long-term relief from the pain caused by the loss. Food and alcohol are obvious and typical short-term energy-relieving behaviors.
There are many other short-term behaviors that have the same life-limiting and damaging consequences. In grief recovery, we call these stir herbs. And I’ll be talking more about these in the next episode. I hope with the education in this episode about Academy Award Recovery, you can now see that saying I’m a fine which really means feelings inside not expressed is not only damaging to yourself but also sends a message if you’re a parent to your children that pretending and not being honest and truthful about how you feel is acceptable and expected. I hope from now on in your relationships with your children with others that you feel you can share the emotional truth and be an example of doing so in your relationships.
P.S. Catch all episodes of Grieving Voices HERE or on your preferred platform HERE. For this Episode 5, you can listen HERE. Did you find this episode helpful and informative? Rate, Review, or Share it with a griever you know and love because sharing is caring 💛
Through influenced/generational learning, we are taught unhelpful ways in which to address and help ourselves (and others) through grief.
This episode highlights the six myths (and misinformation) of grief that have a direct impact on our ability to cope with what is emotionally incomplete. These myths contribute to why we have a difficult time moving beyond the emotional dis-ease that grief brings to our lives.
Tune in next week; I’ll be talking more in-depth about “Academy Award Recovery,” as mentioned in this week’s episode.
Are you wanting more content like this? Head on over to Instagram or Facebook where I share more info just like this, and say hello!
______
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
______
We learned by many different methods and one of these is called influence learning. But I’d like to also call it generational learning because our parents tend to fall back on what they were taught and their parents and the parents before. And I can attest to that as well as I am a parent of three kids. And before grief recovery and before actually diving into my own grief, I did a lot of these things and said a lot of these things that I’m going to share with you today. And so when as you’re listening, there might be a knee-jerk reaction to feel bad to feel like you’ve been failing as a parent. I know when I was learning this myself and was going through certification and had to kind of dig into the error of my ways, I guess. I felt a lot of guilt, actually. And I will talk about the guilt word. But that’s for another conversation. But I did feel really bad about having the awareness as to how I was responding to my children’s emotional needs. I had never really dug into my own and had not addressed my own. Although I had tried for many years, even seeking therapy. At one point, I just had not really dealt with head-on what was emotionally and complete. And so when it came to my children’s needs emotional needs, that is. I responded much like I was taught and much as I will dive into today. So let’s get started.
Myth 1 | Don’t Feel Bad
The first myth of grief is don’t feel bad. Often this message is shared by Don’t cry because we are born into a family. And we are born into having the ability to learn by sight, hearing, and all of these things, the senses. And so we watch and we learn from watching and emulating what our parents do by 18 to 24 months when we start to gain verbal skills. And from that point forward. We also learn by what is said. Hearing the message don’t cry is basically meaning don’t feel bad. As a young child, I often was told if you wanna cry, go to your room. And I did I would go under my bed to cry. I often would hide in the linen closet to cry. At one time even a search party was sent out there was I mean like a search party but you know family had to go look for me because they couldn’t find me. And I do believe that time I was in the kitchen cupboard. And so I would hide to go cry because I didn’t feel safe obviously, sharing my emotion. And because I am who I am I you know about Pisces I’m An INFP on Myers Briggs. I’m also a highly sensitive person, I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. So you really do not usually have to guess how I’m feeling. I was really taught though early on to hide how I was feeling. Because expressing my sadness, or anger or anything like that was, was kind of unacceptable or it really wasn’t embraced. I do feel like because my mom had not addressed a lot of her own grief in her life and didn’t know how to respond to mine and often would respond in anger. And so when my children were young, I often did the same, I would respond and had a hair-trigger for anger. Grief recovery has caused a lot of reflection in my life, if I would have had this information that I have today, back then. I do feel like I would have been a very different parent. And that’s why I’m also very passionate about this work.
Myth 2 | Replace the Loss
But coming back to the myth of don’t feel bad, we then morph into another myth of replacing the loss. Because if we expand on that, let’s say, as a child when my father passed away, he was 44 and I was eight, I was the youngest. And my next sibling is he was 14 at the time. And so my mom really rather quickly replaced the loss of my father. And that message, obviously really has stuck with me because that’s what I was seeing. That’s what I was learning. And growing up, we lose someone, replace them, right? replace the loss. And a simple message like this is passed on, even just by a child losing a pet, don’t feel bad Victoria, we can get another dog tomorrow, right? Or friend moves away? Well, don’t be sad there’s plenty of other friends you can make and you can try to find other friends. It’s these, they’re unintentionally hurtful. But they are damaging, these messages are damaging. And this is what influence learning is, it’s this generational learning that is passed down to us. And so if we expand this on into teenagers fall in love for the first time, and end up breaking up or let’s say my son had a girlfriend, and he got ditched. And I would say, don’t feel bad, there is plenty of fish in the sea. How often do we say things like that, right? So we have one math Don’t feel bad, then we add on to it with replacing the loss. And, if you’re going to cry, go to your room. That’s okay. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Myth 3 | Grieve Alone
This expands to the next math, laugh and the whole world laughs with you. And I bet you can finish that sentence, right? Cry and you cry alone. And it’s heartbreaking to realize that when you’re sad and might really benefit from some emotional understanding that you were taught to be by yourself. And so this leads into the next myth of grief. And that is to grieve alone. We can remember all of these instances in our childhood. And I’m sure as you’re listening, you’re thinking of some things yourself, it would be sad enough if it ended with feeling dismissed and misunderstood as a child as I did. Unfortunately, though this kind of misinformation becomes the foundation of lifelong habits. Many of which directly interfere with our ability to be happy. It’s tragic, right? It is absolutely tragic. If I need to grieve alone, then you do too. We grow up feeling like these are the correct ways to respond, to grieve, to isolate, to grieve alone, to not feel bad. And if I’m growing up believing that this is how you deal with grief, right? then you should too. This is how you do it too. And so we pass this on and this is how we respond to society as well.
The day my dad died, I was in school, and my sister is the one that came to get me. And I just remember it was like this out, it’s like an out-of-body experience. I can see myself holding your hand and we’re walking down the hall. It’s like, a kid you not. It’s like this out-of-body experience, I can see it today. And I’m looking at the back of us. And she says to me, “Dad died.” And at that moment, I don’t know what I was thinking at that time. But the impact of that statement changed my entire life. I was not given the opportunity to share what I was feeling, to share what I was experiencing. I saw my father lying in his casket and there was no discussion, no conversation with me about what this meant. There was no support for me. The teachers didn’t even know how to respond, the school didn’t know how to respond. Obviously, my friends, my peers, my classmates, the same age as me, didn’t know how to respond. I just remember that being like a very lonely time for me. That I do remember, the one statement that sticks out in my brain is that at my dad’s funeral. I remember someone saying and talking about me, she doesn’t know what’s going on. Anyway, I looked at my children at the age of eight. And I thought about that scenario of where I was growing up, when I was eight, in that what was going on in my life at that time. And there is no doubt in my mind that if my children’s father had passed away when they were eight, that they would not have understood or known what was happening or going on, children understand far more than we give them credit for. I mean, if you can take a three-year-old and give them an iPad that they have never seen or touched, and they can figure it out, you can bet your bottom dollar that they understand the emotional connection. And when that’s lost.
Myth 4 | It Just Takes Time
So up to this point, we’ve talked about not feeling bad, replacing the loss, and grieving alone. And next, we’re going to talk about the next myth is just give it time. Because why? Time heals all wounds. Or does it? I’m here to tell you, it absolutely does nothing that passes the two messages that replacing a loss and just give it time do not go together. Because if replacing the loss would have fixed my mother, she wouldn’t have to wait for time to heal her. And on the other hand, if time were to heal her, then maybe she wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to replace the loss. The concept that time heals is probably responsible for more heartache than any other single wrong idea our society has about dealing with grief. Because the terrible part is that it isn’t true. It’s one of those falsehoods that’s been passed down from generation to generation. And the mistaken idea that after enough time passes, something will magically change to make us whole again, is really preposterous. If we were dealing with any other human pain, no one would say just give it time. If you came across a person with a broken arm, you wouldn’t say just give it time. Just as broken bones should be properly set to heal and ultimately function again, so must the emotional heart. And I can tell you after 30 plus years of grieving the loss of my father, the time has done nothing for me but it is the action I’ve taken within that time that has mattered. So time heals is absolutely false. And we need to quit buying into it as a society. If you discovered that your car had a flat tire, would you pull up a chair next to the car and sit and wait for the air to somehow get back into the tire? No, it’s silly. Why would you do that? So time itself does not heal. It is what you do within time that will help you complete the pain caused by loss and I’m a testament to this. So far, we’ve covered four of the six myths. Don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, and just give it time.
Myth 5 | Be Strong (For Yourself & Others)
Next, we’ll talk about being strong for others. There are no specific instructions on how to do that. It’s one of those expressions that sounds good but has no real value. And it has to be one of the most confusing ideas relating to the loss. And it’s confusing because it is undoable. Truly, if you think about it, be strong for others. What does that even look like? You can be strong or you can be human. And you know what, we’re all human. So I’m not even sure what being strong means. And when I think about being strong for others, or for yourself. It’s like a passage that we put on the show of I got this, this is gonna get me down. When really inside, we’re probably crumbling a little. We don’t have that support. And we know we don’t have that support we need because of these myths I’m talking about that society has taught us that our parents and their parents have taught. We apply these myths that don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, just give it time, because of how society responds to us. And because of what we’ve learned, we attempt to be strong, we attempt to have broad shoulders and a strong back, because we don’t have the support to do anything but that right?
Myth 6 | Keep Busy
Another myth that is common that most people believe to be true and helpful yet it is neither is to keep busy, that you must stay active or keep busy are two clichés that we all have heard following any kind of significant loss. And here’s one important question, Does keeping busy discover and complete the pain caused by loss? The obvious answer is no. Well, then what does keeping busy accomplish if anything, it distracts you. And it makes one more day go by keeping busy buries the pain of the loss under an avalanche of activity. Every griever can attest to doing something to distract themselves from what they are feeling. And this is absolutely exhausting. And there are other dangers to and keeping busy. I have defined grief as the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. So a death, a divorce, or any other major loss produces massive changes in all things that are familiar. And it is very difficult to adapt to life after loss. If you were never a busy person before a loss, keeping busy would add yet another major change to what was familiar. The most dangerous flaw of keeping busy is the idea that it will make you feel better. Busyness is just a distraction. It does not alter the fact that you have to take direct actions to complete the pain caused by the loss. So we have discussed six pieces of information, miss information about dealing with loss. Don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, just give it time, be strong for others, and keeping busy.
None of these ideas lead us to the actions of discovering and completing the unfinished emotions that accrue in all relationships. And I can tell you, I identify with every single one. And I would bet if you’re listening to this, and you’re thinking about your losses, you resonate with this too. Earlier I talked about you know the grave and alone myth and how it teaches us to isolate ourselves. Since isolation is one of the problems confronting grievers in our society then participation is clearly part of the solution. So I encourage you to participate in your own recovery and suggest that you start right now. Using the list of the six incorrect ideas as a guide. See if you can think of any other ideas that you were taught or that influenced your beliefs about dealing with sad, painful, or negative feelings. All of these myths I’ve shared with you today cause us to have an indifference about our own losses. And lead to us pretending to put on an Academy Award recovery front to pretend that we’re happier than we are, to put on a brave smile, to really almost avoid even talking about our loss. Because other people have been taught these very same things and reflect on us based on their perspective and their lens of their loss. How we should be responding. Either we’re grieving too long, or not long enough, or talking about it too much or not enough. Right?
We can never satisfy society and how we express our grief. But when it comes down to it, we are all a little uncomfortable around other people’s losses, because we are incredibly uncomfortable facing our own. From my heart to yours, thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you’re hurting know that what you’re feeling is normal and natural.
P.S. Catch all episodes of Grieving Voices HERE or on your preferred platform HERE. Did you find this episode helpful? Rate, Review, or Share it with a griever you know and love! 💛
Just today, I listened to this thought-provoking, self-reflective podcast episode with Krista Tippett of On Being. So much of what her guest, Resmaa Menakem, shared about trauma, energy, the energy of trauma in our bodies, healing and, the responsibility we have to ourselves, and society to do the inner-work spoke to me. Also, his words had me reflecting on what I believe to be true about myself. Like it or not, I’m a white woman living in rural America. I didn’t ask for my “whiteness,” or the generational trauma white people have inflicted on others and, too, experienced in the dark ages as Resmaa shares. Just like I didn’t ask for the personal trauma I’ve experienced. You didn’t ask for your generational and personal trauma either.
I’m including the episode here because I feel it’s important to give it a permanent space here on my website. I’m wanting to learn and, I feel it’s so important to always, always consider the perspective of others. There is a lot of learning lost when we get so wrapped around one point of view and don’t open ourselves up to hearing the stories of others. I LOVE hearing other human’s stories; it’s what I love most about podcasting. And, I would love to include the voices of others whose life experiences have been starkly different from mine. It’s in contrast where we have the opportunity to find the golden nuggets of sameness of what it means to be human.
Our humanness doesn’t request adversity. Our humanness is born into it, as much as it is a byproduct of the environment in which the human body and human spirit will either struggle or thrive. – Victoria Volk
What do we do with the trauma and the grief that’s left? Listen to Resmaa’s interview for some science behind the body’s response to trauma, suggestions for addressing it, and how he beautifully articulates what is plaguing our society today.
I share my perspective below, in the context of interpersonal relationships, which echoes some of what Resmaa speaks to in terms of the energy of trauma.
Traumatic events such as military deployment in a war zone, being victim to any type of assault, childhood trauma, and depression, can affect our relationships in various ways, even many years after the event. When our mind is under attack, many are left with scars that they carry on their psyche for years.
Some questions I’ve asked myself have been:
How does trauma affect our minds?
How does trauma affect our relationships?
Why is dealing with trauma alone the worst thing for our mental health?
The Energy of Trauma
I think to understand trauma, we must understand the energy of it. Pay attention to what happens within your body in response to a personally experienced traumatic event. Pay attention to the response signals your body puts out in response to reliving an experienced (or generational trauma) felt within the body.
The book, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, is not an easy read if you have unaddressed trauma. Personally, I have yet to get through it; it’s a heavy read but informative all the same. If you wish to understand the trauma of someone close to you or wonder if it is trauma that is stuck within your body, this book will shed light. However, if you have experienced trauma, I need to share the disclaimer that it is a high likelihood that it will bring up buried grief within you.
For many years, I put my trauma in a little box and tucked it down deep. As much as I tried to avoid it, it showed up in my early 20s in a big way. I still did not connect what was happening to the grief that was residual to the childhood trauma. So, as grief does, it created this divide within me. I would have experiences in my life that did not deem the reaction and meaning I would assign to those experiences. I was out of touch with reality in a lot of ways. In a way, I walled myself off from my heart and was intellectualizing everything I experienced. In essence, I was disassociating myself from my physical body and outward reality. When something happens that isn’t normal, we think to ourselves, “this shouldn’t be happening.” Logically, we know it isn’t normal. However, when a sense of safety and security is stripped away, what is left but to go somewhere else in your mind? This is how I would describe my experience. Seeing your life as if it were a movie. Memories become scant or vague. But the feeling, the feeling is there. It’s buried so deep. Until one day, like a volcano, you erupt and everything seems to go to hell in a handbasket.
So, how does trauma play out in relationships?
Dissociation is a natural response to trauma. Any person facing an experience that involves too much pain and terror, and whose mental mechanisms are incapable of dealing with it, will develop a dissociation. Shock is a response to something that erupts at us sharply, and thus the disconnect allows the mind to adapt immediately and cut out the pain, horror, and belief in the impending physical or mental death. This saves the brain access to a dangerous state of mind that contains feelings, memories, and thoughts that are unprocessable. When you think about this in a relationship, it can make you feel afraid that the other person will leave, that you’re not capable, or that things are destined to go wrong. Sometimes it can send you the opposite; overly obsessed and perhaps have a love addiction.
The Rise of Obsession & Fear
Because this process involves many mental conflicts, pain, grief, and touching the heart of the mental trauma, it can feel unbearable. Disconnection allows us to erase, anesthetize or cut out of ourselves the same aspects of ourselves associated with trauma so that we can live without worry again. Typically, people suffering from a severe dissociative disorder in adulthood experienced severe childhood trauma. In these difficult cases, a person can develop disorders. In a lot of cases, the person will simply isolate and distance themselves from those close to them, lower themselves in different ways, be detached from their emotions, and have difficulty developing true intimacy that is the result of attention, presence, and sharing in pain. Anyone who feels that this is affecting their life should seek therapy in some way; because there is no need to feel this burden and let it affect your life for years on end. The solution starts with firstly being able to admit that there is an issue.
And my goodness did this play out in my relationships. Add resentment and betrayal to past trauma, and that’s a recipe for troubled relationships ahead. My solution? Don’t let people get too close. I became obsessed with working out at the gym, usually two hours at a time. I became obsessed with having a good time and abused alcohol. I lived in fear of being betrayed and would make mountains out of molehills. I often created issues where there were none.
Fortunately, my husband came along and was my first safe harbor, who I attempted to push away at first, mind you. His persistence of care is what I needed in my life. He provided the affirmation that I was worth the effort when I didn’t feel like it myself.
Truly feeling cared for was only the start of healing for me. My husband wasn’t going to walk through the hard stuff for me. I needed to do that. And, as more and more stuff would rise to the surface over the years, he’s been there, every step of the way. Every moment I felt I was going crazy. Every moment where I felt like I was unworthy of his love, he persisted.
Seeking Emotional Security
My husband provided emotional security, something I had never experienced. And, this is something so many people don’t believe they have access to. That being said, it’s also important that the person you believe is that for you, is capable of being that person for you, too. Fortunately for me, I have someone in my life who did not bring the baggage of trauma into my environment. That would have been too much for me; I can’t even imagine. Bring two people who all they’ve known is grief and wowzas…is it any wonder the divorce rate, although has come down, is still 40-50% in the U.S.?
People who have experienced a lot of trauma and grief throughout their lives likely cannot, and probably should not, be helping others when that energy would be best put forth to themselves first. It’s that whole analogy of putting your oxygen mask on first. This is why I believe before people get married, it’s beneficial to go through The Grief Recovery Method. Do yourselves both the favor of dumping your past luggage or risk bringing it into your marriage. I have not stopped doing my personal work. I continue to utilize the tools and practices of grief recovery and reiki in my life.
I believe, as healers, we can only be of service to others to the depths we’ve gone ourselves.
Essentially, it’s unwavering love and support we all desire. However, with unaddressed trauma, one can give off the double message: “get closer but keep your distance”. Therefore, in a relationship with another who asks them for a deeper encounter, they will find, to their surprise, that their way of preserving themselves brings them the exact opposite. A partner may argue towards them that they are not present enough, burying their heads in the sand, being passive and imperceptible. This is why you must communicate and be open and honest. My husband could have rightfully felt I was being cold and distant more times than I can count in the nearly twenty years we’ve been together. In fact, I have been accused of such. But, what has been important for him to know is that I process my emotions privately first.
What has been the most beneficial to my marriage is me working through my shit. As a society, I believe that’s the responsibility we all have to ourselves and society – focus on healing ourselves. Healing is found within; you have to dig through the shit to get there, though. I don’t care what anyone tells you; no amount of wishing or surface-leveling talking is going to erase the past. Action is your friend. Add healthy support to that, and you will be well on your way to reinventing yourself – beyond the grief and trauma.
No matter what you’ve experienced, don’t lose hope. Hold onto the possibility that life will get better. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Surround yourself with people who have done their own work. Follow the nudges that are guiding you; keep moving your feet.
From My Heart To Yours
The worst has already happened. No matter if it happened two hours ago or two years ago, it’s already happened. What matters most is what you do next. It is possible to sit with the feelings as you work through the feelings. It feels a lot more empowering to be feeling the feelings and knowing you’re taking action than sitting with the feelings and not feeling even an ounce of relief or hope for tomorrow. It’s never too soon and, it’s never too late.
Be your own biggest fan.💛
P.S. I’ve launched the YouMap® page. When combined with Grief Recovery, it’s seeing your pain and your potential in one program; offered and available only by me in this way in the entire world!
In the twenty podcast guest interviews I’ve done thus far, the common thread between all conversations is how healing of trauma and grief has been an evolutionary experience. I can say the same as I reflect on my own.
The person we are/were at the time of loss or trauma isn’t the same person that walks away from that experience. Trauma and grief change a person.
Trauma is what happens; grief is what’s left.
There is no hierarchy of experience, either. And this is where, in the land of grievers, isolation is common. Let’s say you were molested as a child. As an adult, you share that with someone for the first time. How would you feel if the other person then started to share how they were sexually assaulted as an adult by multiple people? In a sense, raising the anty of the experience. Then, if there’s another person who is let in on the conversation, comes in and shares how their mother was sexually assaulted and that assault resulted in a pregnancy. Again, raising the anty of traumatic experience. Suddenly, something you felt safe sharing becomes a conversation about other people. This is invalidating, and subconsciously you feel, “Well, I guess what happened to me wasn’t so bad. I need to suck it up; it could’ve been worse.” You likely also didn’t feel heard either.
The above is just an example of how an innocent conversation that, although well-intentioned in hopes of being relatable, may instead leave a griever feeling like there’s no one safe to share with and that their experience isn’t “bad enough.”
Do you see why grievers, possibly like you, resort to isolation? Society does this because, as I mentioned, we don’t know what to do with information that makes us uncomfortable, so we reach for the first thing that feels relatable. We also resort to information that we know. And, often, what we’re told about grief since childhood is incorrect. Not only is it incorrect, but it’s also likely hurtful and harmful. Like many of us growing up, the messages we receive about grief fall into one, many, or all of the six myths of grief.
The Six Myths of Grief
I’ve spoken about these myths many times throughout blog posts and in podcast episodes. You can learn about them on the podcast here:
Or, if you’d rather read a run-down list, they are:
Don’t Feel Bad
Replace the Loss
Grieve Alone
Be Strong
Keep Busy
Time Heals All Wounds
Because of the generational learning that falls into these myths, it can take a griever many months, years, or decades to understand what is happening in conversations like these. This is a perfect example of why The Grief Recovery Method is so much more than a method for processing emotions that are incomplete within the context of relationships with anyone living or deceased. It is an educational, evidence-proven method for moving beyond grief and loss.
Are You an Outward or Inward Emotional Processor?
It took me decades to dump the duffle bag of information I accumulated over the years about how to be with my grief. In other words, how to sit with and process my grief. The messages I received were all of the myths – every last one of them. It’s what I saw the people around me doing. So, even if certain words or phrases weren’t spoken, the adults’ actions around me spoke volumes. Think about the people you surround yourself with and how they cope with their grief. Are they quick to replace their losses with people, food, sex, gambling, alcohol, etc.? Do they isolate themselves and have gone from being outgoing and charismatic to quiet with an ever-present level of low-grade anger? Do grievers around you never stop, constantly going from one thing to the next, never pausing to reflect on the day, their thoughts, feelings, or pouring themselves into a cause or mission that has taken an unhealthy turn where they’re not sleeping or taking care of themselves? Have you been told not to feel bad that there is plenty of other fish in the sea or the words “At least…” followed by a well-meaning but hurtful statement? I could go on and on and on…this is the stuff we’re all taught because the generations before us were taught the very same thing and so on.
Over the past three decades of being with my grief and through the work that I’ve done, walking with others through theirs, I have come to the belief that there are two types of people: outward and inward emotional processors. Outward processing, people need to talk about what they’re thinking and feeling – it’s how they process emotion and gain insight. They’re the person who will get you on the phone for hours at a time – to talk about their problems. They are often the ones coming to you (if you’re an inward processor, particularly) for insight rather than being the listening partner. Not saying outward processing types can’t be good listeners. I feel (in my experience) that if I’m sharing with an outward processor, they’re likely more apt to share their thoughts and feelings rather than being able only to listen. In this instance, boundaries will come in handy. Inward processors (like myself) need time alone to be with their thoughts and feelings and tend to seek creative outlets to process emotions such as writing, painting, photography, music, etc.. I’ve resorted to all of those for my inward processing. I started to journal when I was around age eleven, I believe, and continue to do so. Music also helps me process as I tend to be drawn to music that reflects my emotions. I believe the ability to listen is one of my gifts. Ironically, I did get “N’s” for “needs improvement” under the category “Listen’s to and Follows Directions” on my elementary report cards. But, what do you expect from a child who lost a parent and who had been sexually abused, right? My mind was one of my greatest escapes as a kid.
Age brings the benefit of experience and wisdom. We all know this. Gosh, if only I knew at 21 what I know now! My life wouldn’t have been a trainwreck! But, as my podcast guest, Victoria Shaw, pointed out to me in her Dec. 22nd, 2020 episode – no part of the human experience is ever wasted. And that’s true when it comes to grief experiences. There will be lessons you receive – like it or not. People will fall away and come into your life – like it or not. And, the only guarantee when it comes to grief is that it will change over time. You will never be without the sadness of losing someone close to you because love doesn’t go away for someone. However, it is possible to feel complete with whatever was left undone or unsaid within the relationship through grief recovery. It is possible to think of the person and not become a ball of mess. It is possible to hear the person’s name and feel a sense of peace rather than be taken back to the circumstances of the loss and how it occurred. All of these and more are possible through grief recovery.
Common Phrases I Hear from Grievers
I have heard many grievers say, “What works for you may not work for me.” And, if that’s where you’re at as you read this, to that, I say this: it won’t work for you if you’re not ready to face all the feelings. And, if you’ve never experienced it, how would you know? It comes back to the old saying, “don’t knock it ’til you tried it!”
Another thing grievers will say is, “I don’t need to dig up the past to heal.” To that, I beg to differ. The past follows us like our shadow. And, it shows up as our shadow selves; how we respond to others, what we do with our lives, the fulfillment and contentment we feel, and how we feel about and treat ourselves.
Some Final Thoughts
Grief steals more than you probably realize from your present day. If you don’t feel like you’re living life to your fullest potential, reflect on the losses and grief you’ve experienced in your life.
Regardless of how you find your way to healing, understand it will change over time. The healing of trauma and grief is an evolutionary process. And I want to encourage you to be open to possibilities and a variety of healing modalities (like Grief Recovery and Reiki). Being open to possibility is also having hope that life can be different, better or more. We can feel grief, which is defined as anything we wish would be different, better, or more. But, we can also experience joy the same way – a feeling that is different, better, and more than we ever imagined.
P.S. Thank you for reading. If this resonates with you and you think of someone who may also enjoy this, please follow through on that nudge and share it with them. You were nudged for a reason! 😉🥰
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the physical ques of anger
