Educational, Growth, Living Unleashed, Pespective |
Typically, I don’t share content from my newsletter anywhere else. Likewise, I don’t share content from my blog to my newsletter, other than a round-up of the blog posts. A weekly newsletter and blog post since January 2019, and you can imagine the sheer quantity of words I have written during that time. I love the theory of repurposing content; however, I’m just not that good at doing it. Lol!
So, when I found myself struggling for content for today’s blog post, I found myself thinking back to this week’s newsletter topic on motivation. I feel like it’s a message for the masses.
While cleaning the fridge recently, my thoughts drifted to motivation. Cleaning out the fridge is something no one else in my home ever finds the motivation to do. Lol! Likely not uncommon in your household as well, if you share your space with others.
Motivation can and will go one of two ways. We are either motivated toward pleasure or away from pain. So, I guess you could say that if pleasure was to the right and pain was to the left, we will usually always take a hard right.
And, this is why, friends, no one else in my home ever cleans the fridge. It’s also why no one else cleans the shower unless I make a deal with one of my kids or spouse (because I really…really dislike cleaning the shower).
It wasn’t until the fridge got bad enough, as in noticeable ick on the back-side and week-old left-overs still inside.
Meet Motivation Half-Way
And, this is exactly how motivation shows up in our lives. There are days where I have to drag myself outside to get in a run. There are nights when I hop on the treadmill at 7:30 PM to move my body because it’s ugly out and, I haven’t gotten any movement in all day because I’ve been stuck behind a computer. And, there are days I get up before 6 am to do Pilates Live because I know if I show up Live, I enjoy it more.
We have to meet motivation half-way. We have to take, even the smallest action, or we risk falling into the same old patterns of behavior. This is how we uplevel our lives. This is how we crawl out of the ruts in which we find ourselves (often mid-life like I had), and this is how we find our way from pain to joy.
A friend once said: “How we do one thing, is how we do everything.”
I think she’s right.
We will never feel motivated to dig into our baggage. Only until we get really sick of looking in the mirror and physically see the pain on our face, or feel the ick building up in our hearts — do we force ourselves to find the motivation to choose differently. Or, unless our backs are up against the wall and we have no choice but to make a move. By not choosing differently we risk staying, with our backs up against the wall, of our own life.
This is not living; it’s fear in your mind winning over the desire in your heart.
We know (and act) upon what needs to be done in our external world. However, when it comes to our internal one, we often need a nudge, a fresh perspective, and more often than not, guided support.
Where, in your life, are you finding it difficult to meet motivation half-way?
If I could wave a magic wand and get you from Point A. to Point B., what action would it take to get to Point B?
How can I support you?
To meeting motivation half-way and going into the second half of 2020 with a resounding “HECK-YEAH” to create your best life!
P.S. Are you ready to create your best life? Let’s begin with the inner-work in grief recovery. I have availability to walk you through The Grief Recovery Method® Online, One-on-One. Get in touch via the Contact tab if you have any questions or would like to get started! Seven weeks and you’ll wish you would’ve gone through this program sooner! I know I sure felt that way.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness |
Several years ago, I was taking a course by Tony Robbins. If you’re unsure who he is, he’s what I would call a “guru of change.” His programs, books, and his entire vibe is high impact and elevating. Sometimes, just listening to someone in our ear or reading their written words can help us out of a funk. Back then, I was hanging on his every word. I still greatly admire him. However, I rely most heavily on my intuition these days. We can spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on coaches, programs, books, or courses, but none of them can create lasting change without YOU. You are the common denominator in every one of those means of change, but these things are simply dust collectors, paperweights, and gigabytes taking up space – if you do nothing with them. And, this is where The Grief Recovery Method is different. A GRM program is not something you’ll purchase and then will sit on for three months before you even look at it. It won’t sit on the shelf and collect dust until you “get around to it.” And, it’s not a course that will take up digital space on your computer and become lost amidst the other 25 programs you’ve purchased over the years (oh wait, is that just me?). Nope. The Grief Recovery Method doesn’t let you off the hook, to your own devices, and isn’t knowledge that will never be tapped into, learned, or utilized. On the contrary, your ROI (return of investment) is ten-fold. Not only do you reap the benefits of the deep, inner-work, but your relationships do, too – as does your community and future. Once you walk through the steps, learning new tools along the way, you will be gaining the knowledge you will have forever that will also positively impact every griever you come in contact with in the future. You will also be able to help yourself continually. The bible says that if you give a man a fish, he will eat today, but teach a man to fish and he will eat forever. This method is teaching you how to fish (i.e., take care of yourself and every griever you know). I don’t know of any other course, program, book, guru, coach, or anything else I’ve ever encountered in all of my life that has made me feel as empowered as this program. And, it is evidence proven because it encompasses laser-focused areas for creating lasting change.
The Five Key Elements of Positive (Lasting) Change
There are five key elements of positive change that, I believe, few programs equally and fully address. I may be partial, but the grief recovery program is one of them. What are the five elements of positive change as they relate to The Grief Recovery Method? Let’s dig in! Knowledge – By learning new tools and receiving an education about grief like you’ve never received before, you’ll walk away from the program more equipped to support other grievers. Albeit your neighbor, best friend, child, or the grocery clerk – this is where the program creates ripples. What do I mean by that? Well, let’s say the cashier at the grocery store is the same cashier you’ve seen for the past ten years. All of a sudden, she’s not there. The following week, she returns to work and shares she had had a miscarriage and took a few days off of work. Saddened by this news, but ill-equipped with what to say, you innocently reply: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Well, at least you can try again.” A well-meaning comment quickly felt like a stab in that cashier’s heart. And, you’re not the first to say that either. So, imagine what all these daggers do to her heart over time? Do you think she’s going to share her grief openly ever again readily? That’s not a trick question – that’s a “no.” Awareness – We develop awareness by evaluating old patterns of behavior, what we need, and recognizing where we need (and lack) boundaries. Through the program, these areas come into our awareness. I was quite surprised by how the need for boundaries became so apparent for me. I also recognized where my patterns of behavior were unhealthy and creating a cyclical pattern. Without awareness, we don’t know what needs to change. We don’t give much thought to how our thoughts impact our behaviors. It isn’t until we take a step back and a birds-eye view of our lives, where we can see more clearly. Beliefs – Children will learn 75% of the basic tools and concepts that they will use throughout their lives by the age of three. Even before they have developed any advanced communication skills, they have learned these things from watching what those around them do and listening to how they deal with day-to-day issues. Children gain an additional 20% of these skills, which will define how they deal with daily problems in the next 10 to 12 years. As a result, 95% of their decision-making powers are established by the age of 15. This means that by the age of 3, we’ve received most of the messages we will use to process grief and life in general. These early messages are either re-inforced as we get older or, are intercepted by a caretaker who receives educational tools to change the trajectory of learned behavior. This demonstrates why beliefs and ideas passed down, what I like to call generational learning, will either create havoc in our lives or empower us. However, considering we’re talking about generational learning, parents are only drawing from what they know and what they were taught, just as their parents did, and their parents’ parents. To choose to become educated in the area of grief and working through our belief systems, we empower future generations to do the same. Behavior – We resort to what’s comfortable when we feel uneasy. We fall back to behaviors that help us feel better, at the moment, when we’re feeling stressed, anxious, or fearful. And, we repeat these same behaviors because it’s a compulsion to resist pain and move toward pleasure. However, we all know that too much of a “good” thing is never a good thing, right? Even exercise can be hazardous to your health when done in excess. If you’re pushing yourself to the point of exhaustion, spending hours upon hours in the gym, while your family is at a family birthday party, perhaps there’s an issue with “just trying to get healthy?” How healthy is it really if other areas of life are sacrificed, cast aside, or disregarded? In grief recovery, we call these STERBs (short-term energy relieving behavior). And, they’re called this because they’re exactly that, short-term – you feel good for a time, but later feel shame, guilt, exhausted, anxious, or depressed. Many behaviors may fall under the addiction category because the feeling of temporarily feeling better itself becomes the addiction. Whether it be a common addiction such as gambling, pornography, drugs, alcohol, sex, work, etc., or something seemingly innocent like shopping, exercise, or gossip – the effect during and after are similar. We feel better while we’re buying that 15th pair of shoes we don’t need (and may rarely wear) but feel guilty or shameful for spending the money. It’s a strong desire to feel better, where reason does not even win because the heart’s pain is speaking so loudly; you just want it to shut up already. We do what we do because there is a pay-off. Ask yourself if the behaviors you engage in are a way to distract yourself from what’s really going on in your heart. If the answer is yes, you are “STERB’ing.”
Grief Has Been The Pandemic
The world is talking about Covid-19, and grief is also a topic of discussion as a result. However, we’ve been in a pandemic far longer than Covid-19. Grief has been our pandemic. And, if you disagree, just look at the ripple effects of Covid-19 and the grief it is stirring up in people’s lives. People had STERB’s, presumably reliable belief systems, and didn’t futz with awareness because they had preoccupations shifting attention elsewhere. Covid-19 has brought grief to the forefront of society. But, I would argue, it’s always been there. Always. Because, every single day, there are new grievers around the globe and that has not changed because of a virus. All the grief of the world has been amplified because of this. This is a blaring, sound-the-alarm, wake-up call. I cannot even begin to imagine the ripple-effects of all of this global, unresolved (and unaddressed) grief that will result once the dust settles. And now, doctors are begging their states to get back to business and open up because they see, first-hand, the after-effects of grief in their communities. The rates of suicide, alcohol/drug abuse, people fearing seeking treatment for known conditions or health concerns, and even cancer screenings are down 90% due to fear of going to doctor’s offices. But, there is hope in all of this. GRM (grief recovery method) is HOPE. It was my hope when I needed it most. By utilizing and addressing these significant components of lasting change, I say, without reservation and with conviction: GRM changed my life. I know I sound like a broken record. However, I can’t and won’t apologize. If you’re reading my words for the first time, this blog post could change the trajectory of the rest of your life – if you choose to let my words sink in today. If you are open to hearing them. And, if (and only if) you are open to feeling better – once and for all. Not to mention, creating ripples in every other area of your life.
Emotionally well people create healthier homes, communities, states, countries, and world. And, that, my friend, no one can argue.
And to think that, when I sat down to write this week’s blog post, I wasn’t feeling inspired. Nearly 1850 words later, my heart’s plea passed through my fingertips. It is your time. Now is your time to take even just 1% responsibility for your life and how you will choose to respond to the chaos in your heart you may be feeling. Hope is here, as a gift for you on Christmas morning. How did you feel this past Christmas morning (if you celebrate)? How do you WANT to feel Christmas morning 2020? I’m here for you as a guide through the hardest shit you’ve ever faced in your life. We all face hard shit. And, in GRM, there are zero comparisons. There is only love, compassion, empathy, and results in a set amount of time, and far cheaper than years of therapy. *Not discrediting therapy/therapists – we all serve our place and purpose in the world.* I’m an email away, friend. P.S. Know someone who needs to hear this message? Did reading this have you thinking of someone that you know? Listen to that nudge in your heart, and pass this along to them. Did this speak to you personally? Listen to the whispers of your heart – it will never steer you wrong.
Educational, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
We easily get caught up in our emotions in the heat of the moment. And, in those moments, we aren’t usually self-aware of how those emotions are “showing up” within our body. Taking the time to identify what you’re feeling can help you to better cope with challenging situations. And, by doing a “body scan,” assessing head to toe how your body is responding to those emotions, is key to regaining body control. How often have you seen fists fly in a fit of anger? I know I have. Body language, facial expressions, and demeanor give away so much information without a word needing to be spoken.
I thought I would dive a bit more into feelings, as May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Last week, I shared a post about how we, as a society, need to change the mental health conversation, to remove the stigma surrounding it.
According to this research article, people who are good at being specific about identifying (and labeling) their emotions are less likely to binge drink, be physically aggressive, or self-injure when distressed. Also, when school-aged kids are taught about emotions for 20-30 minutes per week, their social behavior and school performance improve, according to this abstract. And, considering the English language has over 3,000 words for emotions, there should never be a shortage of feeling words to express how we’re feeling.
Tips for Owning Your Feelings
- Allow yourself to feel. We’ve all heard the expressions, “big girls don’t cry,” or “man up.” My favorite and the one I heard (and you likely did, too): “If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about.” These outdated phrases are not helpful. Everyone has emotions – they are part of the human experience. We have every right to feel what we’re feeling, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, socio-economic status, race, political affiliation, or religion.
- Don’t ignore how you’re feeling. Many of us tend to “bottle up” our feelings. We push them aside, doing our best to disregard and ignore them. Until we can’t contain them any longer, and we either “implode” or “explode.” When we “implode,” our bodies take that held emotional energy, and it comes out in the form of health issues: migraines, high blood pressure, bowel issues, body aches, etc.. I think we all know what happens when we explode. Usually, those closest to us suffer the consequences of “exploding” with angry outbursts, passive-aggressive behavior, manipulation, etc..
- Talk it out. Finding a “heart with ears” to share how you’re feeling can be a great outlet. But, not everyone is a fit for that title. Because, often, people either want to rush to solve the problem or share their own experience. The perfect “heart with ears” for you is someone who doesn’t necessarily have skin in the game. Because most of us do not come out of the womb full of emotional knowledge and we do not receive a formal education in knowing how to communicate, it’s even more critical we learn these skills (and then teach them to our children).
- Build your emotional vocabulary. The familiar words we use to express ourselves are: mad, sad, bad, good, or the most common – fine. However, there are even better words to describe how we feel. Try building your feeling vocabulary by writing down as many “feeling” words as you can think of and time you felt that way. These feeling words are a list you can refer to when talking about feelings with your children.
- Try journaling. Each night, write down at least three feelings you had throughout the day and what caused them. It doesn’t have to be pages and pages of writing; just a few sentences to help you feel comfortable with identifying and expressing your emotions.
- Consider the strength of your feelings. If you think about how intense your feelings are, ask yourself if there is a more descriptive word. For example, if you’re feeling stressed, what you may be feeling is annoyed. Or, if you are feeling angry, alternatively, the more profound emotion may be a feeling of betrayal.
- See a mental health professional. If you are taking steps to get more in touch with your feelings, but are having trouble dealing with them, it is best to ask a professional for help. If you don’t, we go back to the idea that you either implode or explode. You may resort to STERBs (short-term energy relieving behavior) such as exercise, shopping, gambling, drinking, anger, food, etc.. Besides, seeking help is better, too, than the alternative of imploding with health issues.
Grief is at the heart of many emotional issues. I feel like a broken record sometimes. However, because grief occurs in the context of relationships, and if, within those relationships, we haven’t addressed our internal emotional map “stuff,” we will not have the self-awareness we need to maintain healthy relationships with effective communication. Grief recovery not only provides an education, but it helps lay the foundation for emotional self-awareness. And then, the program takes it one step further by providing you with new tools to process those emotions.
If you want to dive deep into your emotional landscape, or if there’s a relationship that holds so much emotional charge in your life that it impacts every aspect of your life, I encourage you to work with me online. I have a few spots open to help hurting hearts feel better.
P.S. If you feel like you are struggling with your mental health, check your symptoms with the Mental Health Screening Tool available HERE.
P.P.S. To inquire about working with me, email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com or call me at 701.336.7720.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Reiki, Resources |
For me, 2019 was my year of focusing on my mental health. I’ve continued to do so in 2020, ensuring I am checking in with myself. It is so important that we can recognize when we’re not quite feeling right.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month and how fitting, for the times we all find ourselves in, and, with Mother’s Day right around the corner. I know for myself, my “mom brain” has not felt like itself many times since quarantine started. My thirteen-year-old daughter has been telling me that “this is going to be the best Mother’s Day ever!” I have no idea what she has up her sleeve, likely along with her sister, but I do look forward to it! I’m sure my son has made no plans – in typical teen-boy fashion. Just to give you a glimpse into the banter that is pretty typical in our home, I had said to my daughter: “So, if it’s the best Mother’s Day ever, does that mean I get the whole house to myself for an entire day?” Without skipping a beat, she replied: “You’re not that lucky!” Lol! Awww well, after seven weeks, does it even matter anymore? Well – yes, yes, it does.
Our mental health can leave us feeling as though we’re in the middle of a mental tornado, stuck drifting out at sea, or surrounding by flames. Or, we can feel like we’re floating on our backs, sailing, and feeling the warm sun on our skin, our thoughts drifting and passing through the mind. I don’t know about you, but the latter sounds pretty much like an oasis.
And, here’s the thing – yes, some contributing factors within the mind are beyond our control. However, so much of what manifests within our bodies in illness or dis-ease, are a by-product of our emotional climate and not necessarily our mental environment, and there’s a difference. More often than not, it is grief that clouds our mental game with emotional clout. We have thought patterns and beliefs that become so engrained; we can’t imagine our life without them. We become so accustomed to the negative self-talk, bouts of anger, and personal judgments, that to imagine a fulfilled and joyful life seems like a dream that’s meant only for other people. Or, we believe that – if only we were wealthier, skinnier, faster, more beautiful, etc., that we would find happiness.
This past year, for me, has felt like a real-life coming of age book, full of challenges, personal triumphs, and some regret, too. In a lot of ways, I still feel like there’s lots of mental growth that needs to happen. Just today, I realized how much emotional gunk I’ve worked through the past year. I found hope in The Grief Recovery Method that helped me move forward in a significant relationship in a healthy way, not to mention, work through many other relationships using the tools I learned, too.
Additionally, I experienced flashbacks to a traumatic experience I had long buried that came up during, of all things, my reiki levels I & II certification. And, it’s still an ongoing process of healing through the utilization of new tools I will forever have in grief recovery, as well as through reiki. During my reiki master training, I experienced even more healing of that traumatic experience. Grief recovery and reiki have been the perfect blend of healing modalities that have allowed me to process my emotional blocks in a healthy, productive, life-changing way.
The progress of my healing was brought to light this week. The accountability group I joined six months ago met online for our last official call. We come from all walks of life, with varied backgrounds and challenges. What these women shared with me was how, from when they first met me, there was this negative aura around me. And, since that time, I’ve turned into Pollyanna (i.e., an excessively cheerful or optimistic person). What was shared, took me a couple of days to process and digest; because, on this call, we all shared how we see each other, what we love about them, and where they shine. It can feel uncomfortable to have a bunch of women shower you with compliments; it’s not something we typically experience, right? But, it was in their sharing that I recognized, for myself, how far I’ve come in my healing. Just as hurt people hurt people, healed people help others heal, which is why it’s so important that I make my mental health a priority. In doing so, I am at my best, so I can hold space for others in their healing.
How I Make My Mental Health a Priority
Not long ago, I had a session with a healer. She shared how sadness was the emotion that came up during the session, which wasn’t a surprise to me. As we talked, I shared with her that sorrow (i.e., grief) is one of the feelings that’s always been present in my life. She felt it came up for me even before my dad had passed away when I was eight. And, as I reflected, my earliest memories of myself are me hiding to cry, under my bed, in the linen closet, even the kitchen cupboard. I did not dare cry or, I would be given something to cry about (as children are often told). And so, like many children, I grew up hiding my sadness, and even as I sit here and write this today, I often find myself doing the same at the older, wiser, and more evolved age of forty-one. Our child wounds run deep, friend. And, it takes inner-work (i.e., action) to pull those weeds up from the root.
I’ve found myself led toward healing modalities that have equipped me with tools and education I can utilize on an ongoing basis and share with others. I don’t believe that’s a coincidence. Since my mid-twenties, being of service and aligning that with my skills and education has been burning in my heart. And, everything I’ve learned this past year has positively impacted every aspect of my life – more than I imagined.
These days, with grief recovery, reiki, meditation, journaling, exercise, and self-help books, I’ve found myself feeling more like myself. I remember when I was trying to find a way to be of service when my kids were little. I worked overnights as a certified nursing assistant in a nursing home when I was pregnant with our second, and later transitioned to home healthcare. I honestly wouldn’t have had to work at that time, but for me, it was essential to feeling like I was of service in a way that didn’t include diapers and breastfeeding. Later, I would choose entrepreneurship. And, thank goodness I did; it laid the groundwork and foundation for what I’ve created in my life today.
My Message To You
My message to you today is this: I am no one special. There is nothing extraordinary about me. I put my pants on the same way as you. I struggle with the very same things as a parent, mom, spouse, etc.. I have days I know I’m not being patient or have had unkind thoughts. This is what it is to be human.
All that said, what I am now, that I never felt as strongly as I do today is: empowered, confident, and very intently sure of my inner-knowing. Discovering these qualities within myself had taken years of excavating (when I started digging into my emotional wellness in 2014). But, only because I hadn’t discovered grief recovery until 2019. My growth this past year has been ten-fold. And, you know what – it can be for you, too.
You may not identify yourself as someone grieving. And, had someone asked me in 2014 or even as far back as 2001 (when my life was going off the rails) if I was grieving – I would have said “no.” Looking back, I know my emotional state, and my behaviors (especially after having children), were textbook for someone grieving. I was not practicing self-care (often not showering for days), had regular, angry outbursts, found myself pouring myself into entrepreneurship, which was a preoccupation for being present. I also sought help from a physician during that time who simply thought a pill was the cure. For many, many years, even after trying therapy, too, I felt like I was on an island. And, I felt like there was something wrong with me.
Once the health issues started in late 2013, which carried on through the years without resolve, I felt like I was “crazy.” I understand why people resort to going from doctor to doctor to doctor – hoping one will finally listen or do what is necessary to find the issue. And, you know what? I’ll let you in on a secret. Not a single doctor ever asked me: “What happened to you?” Not one doctor asked me: “How did you get here, to this point, in your declining health?” Not a one. Why? Because physicians are not trained, therapists. And, physicians are not educated in grief in medical school either. And, likewise, unless a licensed therapist seeks further education on grief on their own, traditional schooling does not include it. It’s why there are dozens of licensed therapists who sought certification with The Grief Recovery Institute.
Changing the Conversation
The collective conversation around mental health needs to change. It is my mission to spread the message that we start talking about mental and emotional health (i.e., grief) like we do about the weather. I am very honored and proud to now offer a way to spread this message. As one of around 150 advanced grief recovery method specialists in the world (and the only one in ND), I feel like I can offer something very special to North Dakotans from the comfort of their own homes, and also, to anyone – anywhere.
The question to ask yourself is not what it costs you to take this action. The better question to ask yourself is: “What does it cost me, in my life, to not take action.”
If you’re willing to invest years, time, and money into therapy and anything and everything else under the sun and have yet to get results, why not consider this? I urge you to get in touch with me. Could I sell ice to an Eskimo? Sure. I’ve sold Kirby vacuum cleaners. However, if the Kirby would’ve been grief recovery back when I was going door-to-door, I wouldn’t have needed to sell Kirby’s in the first place. You discover so much more going through this method than I can even put into words.
If your gut is nudging you to contact me as you read this – listen to that whisper. Our guided intuition will never steer us wrong. Having the ability to understand and have that inner-knowing has been one of the many gifts I’ve received from doing this work on myself. Reach out to me via email at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com with any questions or book a free consultation HERE.
This blog post goes out to all of those who are struggling with emotional and mental illness right now. Not to mention, all the mamas, the desire-to-be-mamas, and the earth mamas of angel babies this Mother’s Day. I know it’s not a joyful occasion for so many and my heart is with you.
Mind your mind, but first – listen to your heart.
P.S. Resources:
- My website – there are many articles on my blog about grief, and there is also access to free, educational PDF’s like The Free Guide for Loss
- The Grief Recovery Institute
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255 – if you’re thinking about suicide or know someone who is
- Crisis National Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-8255
- 24/7 Crisis Counselor – Text “HOME” to 741-741
- Better Help – affordable, private, online counseling
- FirstLink211 – an online resource specifically for ND and parts of MN
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Pespective |
Grief isn’t just about death. I talk a lot about this, but it begs to be repeated.
A child (and adults alike) grieve moving, death of a pet, loss of friendships, death of loved ones, loss of trust, safety, or security.
During this pandemic, I’ve been thinking about the children who don’t have the best home life—the children who may feel isolated due to having their safe space (school) now taken away. For many kids, school is the one place for someone to come to their aid and be their advocate.
Here is an excerpt from this full [opinion] article in The Hill (which I fully agree with):
It is incumbent upon all of us, including courts, law enforcement, education, medical and mental health providers — and even neighbors who may come into contact with young children and families — to continue to be part of a public health approach to child safety during this pandemic. Child maltreatment occurs in all sectors of society, and even healthy families can be pushed to their limits because of severe economic stress and sudden round-the-clock caregiving. We each have a role to play to keep families strong and children safe during this crisis.
I can’t even imagine the child grief that exists now, throughout the world, and how it will impact all of these children the rest of their lives. As a grieving child-adult myself, I know the damage grief can cause when it becomes so much a part of you. However, I also see the tenacity and determination that can come from it as well. Everyone’s path is different, but there are so many influencing factors that will determine the path a child will take into adulthood.
Influencing Factors of Childhood Grief
I believe, what influences a child and their grief most, is the amount of inner-work their parent(s) or guardian(s) have worked through themselves, and their comfort level with grief in general. From personal experience, a relationship with someone important to me suffered for many, many years as I got older, as a result of not only my unprocessed grief but that, too, of those in charge of my care. Albeit, my mother, childcare provider, or teacher – none of which had received education in how to help a child process grief.
It wasn’t until the inner-work I did on my own, much later as an adult, where I felt an immense amount of compassion and understood, for the first time, the sacrifice we make in our lives to hold onto emotional pain. And, this is the work – to get to the root of our grief; pulling it out at the root, just as you would a weed in your garden. As you pull more and more weeds, you also discover even more weeds that need tending.
It is so important, as a parent or guardian, to tend to our weeds. We project our wounds, unintentionally, onto children. Similarly, anyone in a leadership role over children may do this. Hurt people hurt people – even children, and often, unintentionally; hence, the importance of the educational piece. When we have an awareness of what is helpful and supportive, then you will be better equipped to help the child in your care who is struggling.
When we use our feeling words and give voice to how we feel, rather than stuffing down, numbing out, ignoring, putting on a strong face, or even full-body armor (i.e., shielding ourselves from even the good stuff of life), our human spirit is nurtured. These emotions are no longer blocked, and we don’t hurt the people we care about most.
What We’re Taught & Pass Down Generations
Adults must be an example of how healthy emotional processing looks. If you don’t know how to do this, you resort to what you’ve been taught, which is likely all of the unhelpful and even hurtful things that have been passed down generations and that society reinforces, such as:
- Don’t Feel Bad
- Replace the Loss
- It Just Takes Time
- Grieve Alone (Grievers often isolate because of the hurtful and unhelpful things that are said to them and the comparison of losses.)
- Be Strong (for yourself and others – saying: “You are so strong’ or, ‘You’re the strongest person I know” reinforces this message.)
- Keep Busy
A reason why I am so passionate about grief recovery (and the various programs offered) is that it’s an educational program, as much as it’s an action-based approach. For someone to create lasting, meaningful change, one must gain knowledge, gain awareness, change their attitudes, and understand and learn new behaviors. The Grief Recovery Method encompasses and incorporates all of these factors, thereby setting the foundation and groundwork for healing.
Often, people are afraid of healing. Children aren’t, though, they just don’t usually have the guidance to do so. How much time and how much life do you feel you have missed, things you could have done differently, ways your life could have been different, better, or more? That, my friend, is what grief is: anything we wish would have been different, better, or more. And, it’s the loss of hopes, dreams, expectations. Imagine if, as a child, you would have received the tools to help you navigate all the hardships in your life on the way to adulthood. Do you think you’d be in a different place, emotionally, than you are today? Do you think you would have, perhaps, dared to chase your dreams?
Grief has a price. And, we all pay it, because society has not educated itself on this topic. It’s no surprise to me that grief is a hot topic during this pandemic. And, perhaps that’s the gift of Covid-19 – it’s getting a conversation going about this other intangible (but yet palpable) thing that the entire world has always had in common (since the beginning of humankind).
The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. – William James
You may feel like a complete failure after reading this. I felt that after my grief education. It’s hard to swallow, knowing there is the potential of having done more harm than good. But, when your child has a broken arm, you don’t Google on how to fix it yourself, do you? No, you take your child to an expert. Similarly, when your child is grieving, you should seek the help of an expert – someone who knows how to navigate such things. A person can get along with a poorly healed arm, although, will likely have some aches and pains. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, it isn’t just their arm that suffers and quality of life, in grief, it’s life itself that suffers.
If you don’t know what to do, this post is about where to start. And, if you want to prepare your child for the grief that they are guaranteed to one day experience, I encourage you to reach out to work with me in digging into your own. Committing to going first is the hardest part. And, if you’re interested in going first, click HERE. Next week, I will complete my advanced grief recovery certification, where I will be able to provide grief recovery online. Does seven weeks to emotional freedom sound good to you? I only wish I would have found it decades ago; I cannot imagine the emotional suffering it would have spared me and how much more present (therefore, fulfilling), life would’ve been as well.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Resources |
I had an entirely different post planned for today (which has happened before). Coincidentally, the blog post I had planned was about tips for grieving children (that will now be shared next week).
One of my previous grief recovery group participants tagged me in a post on Facebook after I had started the other post, and I knew I needed to write about what she shared. In searching for the perfect image for this post, I discovered that not only this week is National Infertility Awareness Week, April is also National Child Abuse Prevention Month. How did I not know about these?
So, there I went, down a rabbit hole of attempting to find a Google calendar I could import into my calendar for days like these so, I didn’t miss special days/weeks/months like these again. Surprisingly, National Infertility Awareness Week (this week) isn’t mentioned! I did find that National Child Abuse Prevention Month listed on a few but not all. What the heck? I did not see National Infertility Week mentioned on a calendar anywhere, except when I went to find an image for it. Boggles my mind!
Anyway, I digress; onto today’s post.
My heart is heavy today; I’m not gonna lie. I’ve had days like this early on, with Covid-19, where I felt this wave of grief just hit me. Today is one of those days. I’m thinking about the woman who tagged me on her post. I’m thinking about how blessed I am that I don’t know what it’s like to struggle to bring a life into this world—blessed not to know the anguish of losing a life that I’ve carried. I should be blessed and grateful, and I am – and I am sorry, so so sorry to those who don’t feel like there is enough gratitude about this in the word. So, I feel like the least I can do is use this platform to bring awareness to infertility and the grief it brings, in a way I know about grief.
Infertility as a Grieving Experience
Infertility is one of those grief experiences that lurks in the dark corners of a desire-to-be mother’s heart (and of her partner as well – we can’t forget them, too). It’s often unheard or talked about openly. And, even in close circles, I imagine, it can feel like, once shared (if at all), it’s business as usual for the world all around. Every loss is different; however, to not know the heartbeat of another inside your womb, to not have the opportunity to experience the first kick, or to have these moments where you feel a connection unlike any other – only for that little life to be taken away. The thought of it breaks my heart.
National Infertility Awareness Week this week is a reminder for us all that womanhood can feel like one of the greatest blessings, and yet, a curse. If you are struggling with infertility or experienced the loss of the most precious gift a woman can receive (in my opinion), I hope you have support. I hope you have a heart with ears in your life, someone who will sit with you in your sadness, perhaps even share in it, too. Because I do believe this is one of those losses that women do shy themselves away from talking about, unfortunately.
The calendar maker-people of the world don’t think to mention it. 🙁
Grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
Grief is: anything we wish would have been different, better, or more.
It is safe to say that infertility (and miscarriage) fully encompass the definition of grief.
Then, there are the precious children who come into this world full of innocence, only for some of them to be on the receiving end of someone else’s hurt. Hurt people hurt people. And, sometimes it’s the little people – whose voices are silenced, and where intimidation is used as a manipulation tactic for control, who end up hurt.
Isn’t it fitting? This month is child abuse prevention month, and it falls during a pandemic, where there’s already enough chaos to go around the world tenfold. Bring all of that chaos into a home that has already been experiencing struggle, hardship, abuse, addiction, etc…and the most vulnerable are the ones who suffer.
Grieving Children Become Grieving Adults
The grief we adults carry (and have carried for who knows how long), is amplified right now. It’s like the grief of the world is in a pressure cooker. Those of us with children, we owe it to our children (and their future) to get our emotional poop in a group. We all learned about cause and effect as kids. This principle applies to our actions and emotions, too. The cost of not facing our emotional dis-ease, is not only costing us our health but also negatively impacting the health and well-being of this world’s future.
Grief is not a disease. It is not a mental illness that needs to be “fixed.” Grief is a normal and natural response to changes in familiar patterns of behavior. And, it is possible to recover from what is emotionally incomplete. “Recovery” doesn’t mean you will forget or that you’ll no longer feel sad. Recovery is completion, allowing you to move forward in your life without being tied to the emotional pain that exists at the end of the relationship or within a grief-causing experience. You may feel that if you lose the pain, then what’s left, right? What happens when the story that I keep telling (that’s looping on repeat in my mind) goes away? That’s the fear of completion, and it is a valid fear. However, how about the fear of never feeling a connection to the person in their entirety again? Instead, only thinking about the person and feel pain? How about the fear of forever being stuck in the past? What if you never allow yourself to live fully in the present? Which fear holds more weight in your heart?
When you grow up with grief, as children of abuse do, and do not have the support a grieving child needs, you become an adult who’s never learned to grieve healthily. And, whatever you’ve learned about grief, you pass on to your children – and so, this cyclic pattern of learned behavior continues for generations and generations.
The Helping Children with Loss program is near and dear to my heart. And today, I think about all of the children who are victims of abuse, and it makes me incredibly sad – but also more determined in this work.
Breaking this cycle of not knowing how to talk about grief and address it starts with you – in your home and your heart.
I dedicate this post to the women who grieve for a child and, for the children grieving who feel unwanted. We need to stop looking away from grief and talk about it like we talk about the weather.
Grief is our world’s pandemic. And we need to stop looking away – from the pain within and around us.
P.S. Are you interested in completing what is emotionally incomplete for you? Are you interested in learning new tools, education, and receive grief support that moves you forward in an action-based way? Seven weeks to emotional freedom from the past that binds you is possible. Click HERE if you’re interested in being the first to know about a new service available in May 2020.
