Ep 119 | Kimberly Bell

Childhood Grief, Estrangement, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Pespective, Podcast | 0 comments

Kimberly Bell | The Imprint of Fear and Feeling Unwanted To Finding My Voice

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY: 

Every human being experiences trauma to some degree. We don’t have to experience “Big T Traumas” for those experiences to leave an imprint on our hearts and bodies.

At age 5, Kimberly had such an experience after witnessing her father physically abuse her mother while she and her older sibling were present. And, because they were in a vehicle, there was nowhere to run or hide. Afterward, her father dropped off her mother and sibling at a family member’s home. On the other hand, Kimberly was taken by her father to sleep elsewhere and away from her family, with terror in her body and fear in her heart. From that day forward, Kimberly’s life changed forever.

Kimberly was left in the care of her father’s sister and husband, where Kimberly went from a family unit of four and an older sibling she adored to becoming an only child. She became estranged from her immediate biological family in an instant. Her older sister remained with their parents and experienced the addition of more siblings that came along over the years that Kim had no part of, too, which only added to her grief over the years.

Defining moments like these shape the rest of our lives and impact who we become and how we show up in the world. Kimberly had to learn how to build her self-esteem, that self-love is the best love, and that she was worthy of love no matter what she did or didn’t do for others.

Kimberly shares a lesson her adopted father shared with her: “Stand for something, or you’ll fall for anything.” I believe Kimberly did just that by finding and sharing her voice.

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Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. My guest today is Kimberly Bell. She is a native of Salisbury, Maryland. And she holds two degrees, one in human growth and development, psychology, and the other in theology. She is an inspirational speaker, Minister, mentor and author of the epitome of Kimmy, accept and embrace it all. Through her work, she shares her life story and personal experiences to inspire others to never give up hope, while raising awareness to societal issues. Thank you so much for being my guest.

Kimberly Bell 0:37
Thank you for having me. It’s a pleasure. Thank you.

Victoria Volk 0:41
We’re just going to dive right in, because a part of your story is of being adopted. And I don’t know that I have had a guest who has been adopted, necessarily, I tried to think and I There isn’t. I’m gonna have to look that up. Yeah. What is that like?

Kimberly Bell 1:02
Huh? Well, as I started the healing process, and going through investing in me and building my self worth and getting to understand things that was broken foundations that was broken, and how I dealt with the depression and anxiety of separation, and abandonment and stuff is that when I really realized that I went through a great loss of along with that separation of staying with my biological parents, my biological mother and father and my biological sister, she was two years older than me up until I was five. And then, my biological father, and my biological mother had one of the worst fights ever. It wasn’t not normal, that they had chaotic, you know, in their marriage. And, you know, and in the home, where I witnessed physical, verbal, and, you know, abuse there, but this particular time, it was one of the worst. And it ended up my biological father and my boss and my biological mother separating for a short time. But during that traumatic experience, it took me with him. And he dropped me off to his sister, which is my paternal aunt, she’s the oldest sibling of them. And he said, I would come back, he, you know, told me, I was going to have to stay there. But he would come back and never happened. Now, their relationship did not cease, you know, they still had the sibling relationship. And he came periodically, in and out, he ended up really getting a divorce from my biological mother down the road after they had other kids, and making a new family. But it was almost like, it was a continuous journey for me in my mind that I lost my dad, and I lost my mother. At that time, at that tragic event, I lost, and no one gave me a say, I had no control. And now how do I grieve? Losing and being separated from all that? I knew from the beginning?

Victoria Volk 3:29
At home? What age five, five?

Kimberly Bell 3:32
Going on six? Yeah.

Victoria Volk 3:33
What happened to your sister?

Kimberly Bell 3:35
She stayed with, with my mother.

Victoria Volk 3:38
So you lost your sister too

Kimberly Bell 3:40
Exactly yeah, I lost a relationship. And we talked about that a couple of times, I was vocal one. And I said, you know, we were robbed from our relationship. Because we were really close. She was two years older than me. And she was pretty much my hero. I remember, you know, being upset going in her room. And, you know, she would make me you know, as big sisters would, you know, smile and laugh and, and those years of missing and wondering, you know, what is she doing and wanting to be around her wanting to be connected, and that’s not happening. Until we got to almost adult age, we still stayed in our hometown, but we was not connected. We was not connected.

Victoria Volk 4:25
Wow, that’s almost even harder, right? Like you’re young. And you knew like you consciously knew like even, let’s say, maybe not necessarily at five not understanding that but surely, eight 910 11. Knowing your mom, your sister in the same town, but you’re not connected. You’re not seeing each other right

Kimberly Bell 4:47
Now a couple of times I went through my little spells of and I never wanted not to be connected to either one of them. It’s just it never worked in my favor. But I always wanted to be back with my mother, you know, even even knowing the treatment wasn’t, wasn’t good. It was only the treatment that I knew. And I loved her. So wasn’t I never wanted, you know, so I would go do some episodes and spells that I would cry and I’m like, oh, what my mom, I want to go with my sister. You know, and then episodes with my dad coming in and out talking to his sibling, or the, you know, my adopted mom, which is just sister about his life. And then, you know, looking at me and saying, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come back and get you I’m going to come and, you know, I’m going to take you with me, and I’m getting my bags packed and, and hopes up, and he never shows up. So I’m going through all this talk tormal. And my, my adopted father, which is her husband was like, always the mediator, he was always trying to balance my episodes out. So I remember him making, it’s crazy that you said around eight or nine, there was pretty much around that age between eight to 1010, that he gave my dad a talk. And I remember listening in the other room, and he was really kind of like getting on him stern and was like, stay away. If we want to promise her and not come not deliver. And we see the hurt and we see the pain. Don’t do that. Just stay away. And so it he did four months, I didn’t see him. And then when I did see him when months, they you know, he would come there periodically and and pretty much update my mom, his sister on his life. When he was going into the ministry, he remarried. He had other kids and stuff like that. And in the episodes that I was going through a wanting to be with my mom, I remember my mom, at that time, my adopted mom saying, you know, I just don’t understand you. Why would you want to be with someone that mistreat you and don’t want you and other and you know, my dad, he would be the mediator, he would say, you know, her husband, we’re not going to do this. It’s okay. And that was he was really like the first one that really gave me a sense that my emotions, my feelings didn’t matter, despite of anybody else made me feel that way. He said, I guess kind of this foundation because he said, we’re not going to do that we’re not going to do that. It’s okay that she wants to go and see her mom. It’s okay that she was, but it was never an initiated from her. So that even hurt worse because it was always me initiating. So with me initiating, and he was he allowed him and my mother allowed me to periodically to go and see my mother, we’re all still living in that same hometown radius. So probably like 20 to 25 minutes apart. When I come to visit her, it was never it was always the same. It was just like I was a neighborhood kid. So here I’m going back, Justice torn as I was leaving. So then, you know, that stopped after for a while that stuff. But it was never. And that’s why I said I know that I had to come to grips and accept that was a complete loss. Mentally, physically and emotionally from my birth mother, that I want it so much to have. She was all I knew. But I had to accept. That’s not what she wanted, you know, and I’m not responsible for that. I held guilt and shame for being responsible of her choice of not wanting me not fighting for me, not coming back to get me not, you know, concluding the separation, you know, so it was those episodes. And like I said, during those years, up until 18 When I did leave my adoptive parents home, you know, because I’m of age or whatever in my life changed. It was never an initiation from my birth mother. No calls that I can recall. No gifts, no kind of mental, physical, or emotional contact to let me know that she wanted to be connected with me so that sealed and I had to live through some rejection and pain because I wasn’t ready to accept the complete loss all the way around. And to grieve. It’s a reality. It was a reality. Yeah.

Victoria Volk 9:36
So how did you find yourself coping with that reality over the years?

Kimberly Bell 9:41
Oh, really in bed cycles depression, anxiety, very impulsive. I was very impulsive and relationships because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be feel that abandonment anyone anymore. And once I felt like and get this it was like Because I had, up until five tried to find anything that I could to make her accept me or to make her Be kind, just because to me that that seemed like it never happened or the emotional connection that I seen her do with my sister, that was quite different when it came to me was almost like a resentment. And I didn’t understand why. And so it was always it was like a foundation built on. If I was only quite enough, if I wasn’t only pretty enough, if I was only good enough, if I was only quite smart enough, if I didn’t ask for seconds or whatever, to get approval to be accepted. And that took a lot of years down to other relationships, even down to my kids wanting to be the best. Because here if I could just get one ounce of acceptance that I got you instead of someone just accepting me for me and me not having to work for it. Tough, because I built my life with years of relationships of doing draining myself, too. Am I not just good enough? I have this to offer. I can say you accept me. So once you accept me, then I am I’m good. Why would you ever want to leave me that? Did you get what I’m saying? And then I’m like trying to hold on to whether it’s a bad relationship, rather as a toxic relationship? Because now you’ve used you said, you accept me, you’re in my life? How dare you want to now leave out my life or do something that make me feel like it’s this what life is all about this bad behavior? Or this unhealthy behavior? Or this top sickness? my stress level or the way you’re disrespectfulness? Or the way you’re talking to me? Is this worth you being in my life rather than you not being in mind? No, I’d rather for you to be in my life. And not make me feel abandoned again. And do whatever you want. Shoot me however you want. Because this is what I only knew. This is the cycle. I’m so. And it’s the shame that I got all the way to my 40s. But I had to really choose and accept the dysfunctional cycle and accept and choose. Do I want my life to be this way?

Kimberley Bell 12:36
Like it was the depression, the anxiety, that buying love that feeling like I have to buy love feeling like that I have to force love, beg for love. I don’t. And I had to find I’m worth so much more than have to do by love. I’m worth I was created for love. And to be loved, naturally, does not foresee No. So I had to really like process and get it and say this cycle and changes has to start with me. It has to start with me, from my heart to my mind. And when I got that accept and embrace it all. During those times during those chapters of my memoir, I had to actually live that I had I when I read the story and I wrote story. I was like, holy shit. God, I said, this is really sad. This really this How unfortunate. And I never looked at my story like that. I looked at it as if like, someone looking out in a numb stage like, oh, yeah, you know, she did have two birth parents. She did have to adopt your parents but never actually accepting the effects physically, mentally and emotionally. That took place beyond my control. And then how I staged and I made decisions based on those effects that was never dealt with. And then I was raised in a generation, that era that what goes on in home stays in a home. I didn’t have any they didn’t embrace, you know, therapists they didn’t embrace you know, so I was definitely going through PTSD on so many, so many different levels from that traumatic incident that I just seen blood from my mom’s head to her chin. That that event he physically beat her so bad in the car with me and my sister that led me being taken to his sister’s house. She got dropped off at my grandparents house her and my sister and I say I had to get back in the car with my dad. And then we went, that was one of the I in his vivid. I will never forget in details, what had happened and then having to stay overnight to someone’s house. I didn’t know them. I did. I knew of them. But that was that was my first night that I’ve ever remember staying over and I’m staying there, I’m alone. And it seemed like they already had a bedroom prepared for me. But I’m so shocked and scared. I didn’t even want to tell them that I was scared to be in the dark. I just laid there. And I cried, and I’m thinking of my sister. What is where she, what is she doing? And when when would my dad come back? That something with that inside of me a built in hope was if I could get through this night, I’ll be alright. But as far as my voice as far as me saying to these strange but but not strange people and how I feel oh, it was it was not heard of. So I built a silence about me. You know, so that had to be breaking broken. That had to come to grips with accepting and and then I remember as I was writing the story and reliving marriages and relationships that I adopted the same coping skills, unhealthy coping skill of being silent being feeling like my voice did not matter. Okay, it hurt. Okay, that was very painful. But if I say something, who works for what would it even matter, I had to, you know, really invest some time of breaking my solid, understanding what I’m worth, and building my own self esteem. And then just being comfortable loving me. And once I started just examining and loving me, I still went through some, and I still go through the process of hurt times, I just lost my my adopted mother that raised me and how I was treated, like alienated for speaking my truth, or being courageous enough to share my story. When I tell you, I’m coming from a generation though that you don’t expose any family secrets you don’t share. Even if this was about to help you. You just don’t do that. So I was alienated from the funeral. From the program. My I suppose recent, this was recent. This was last night.

Kimberly Bell 17:33
Her brother took in charge of everything which is my biological father, younger brother, they’re about two or maybe two to four years apart. And my biological father has been dead probably over 11 years now. But he took in charge of everything. And he would not let me or my children be a part of the funeral arrangements, the funeral program. And then on the hair was the icing on the cake. And this is why I’m so glad that I’m able to be a voice and inspire other listeners that had I not took the time to be courageous enough and share my truth and heal and invest in myself. My biological mother, my birth mother was in the program. She was there reading the obituary, and she has never contacted me. She has never contacted me. We still live in hometown, or even give me her condolences that the woman that passed away that raised me acknowledged that she’s passed away but yet she was there and the funeral at the funeral title. Yes, yep. And I’m just saying, If I end it, and don’t get me wrong, I got I didn’t do or the funeral but I didn’t even get out of the car to go to the memorial. The board burial I, one of my adult daughters was with me. So I took her she drove she rode with me. And I was feeling so sick stomach. after that. I went home. And I just laid in the bed and I went to sleep but not saying that I wasn’t hurt. I was hurt, pain when it but what I found was some strength that I allowed myself to choose to reinvest in myself since last year to work on me. My book was published last year in August. So and like I said she just passed away last month, April the 11th. If it not if they did not, if I did not release my truth and invest in me and start building my self worth up and loving me and leaning on the support of my children. I wouldn’t been able to I wouldn’t have been able to pass that test. I know I wouldn’t have. I probably would have turned that y’all probably would have me on CNN. I probably would have turned the funeral out because that was a lot to handle. I’ve been alienated on both sides, but yet having to confront it. You know what I mean? being alienated from both sides. But yet, I’m looking at the woman that raised me. And the casting, she’s going, here’s another loss. And then the birth mom, that has always been a loss there, she’s they’re still portraying. I don’t know what. But it’s a double loss, double alienation, because you never even contacted me. You have not spoke to me. And much almost, you know, a year probably,

Victoria Volk 20:39
To your adoptive parents, did they have other children and for all the love they had to give, it really just went to you.

Kimberly Bell 20:48
Yep I was there. I was her cam and I was his Kimmy. How I got that name. That title is he used to call me his Kimmy. And so yeah,

Victoria Volk 20:59
There’s so much of your story that I personally relate to very different ways. But there’s so much of your story, just really this lack of having a voice, not being able to have a voice and really finding your way, too, that much later in life, like 40th year. So very much like you just walking through life like shrinking, shrinking, shrinking. And it’s really just this way that we self sabotage, and never really truly find our own potential. Because we are so busy looking for approval, and validation and validation and all these things. And I think we do it differently. You know, you mentioned buying love You tried to buy other people’s love, I suppose you You’re what you What do you mean when you say that, and then I want to elaborate more on this.

Kimberly Bell 21:52
I never really remember getting any gift, monetary gift to me from my birth mom, but yet I would. Birthdays, I would give money and cards, I would, you know, give her Mother’s Day cards with money in it if I seen her because like I said it. Being in the hometown at a gas station. I remember saying, you know, being so excited to see her and wanting so much of her acceptance and conversation. You want gas, you know, I can fill your car up. And I’m doing that, you know, like, yeah, so

Victoria Volk 22:24
How about just with, with relationships? How did that show up in relationship,

Kimberly Bell 22:29
I was always the initiator, you know, you need a job. Like, if it wasn’t my money, it was always my time, sacrificing, sacrificing my time, my energy to help them to get on their feet, help them to, you know, if they didn’t have a place to stay, while I haven’t, you know, you can stay here, you know, you need what do you need to get a car, you know, just, you know, I would just be always the one that would use over exceed, you know, the energy, the time the money to, to get that acceptance or buy that approval? You know,

Victoria Volk 23:09
It’s an over giving

Kimberly Bell 23:11
Yeah I can help you, I can help you, I can help you.

Victoria Volk 23:14
And here’s what’s interesting about that, because I very much relate to that. Whether it’s usually it would be my time that I would give to other people and, ya know, deplete my own energy and, and some people do it with food, right. Like some people will just feed people just that’s how they, you know, they get something from that when people would respond with Oh, you’re such a good cook. I love your food. And yeah, so it perpetuates that right. Yeah, that giving and, but when other people would see, right, and correct me if I’m wrong is you have such a big heart. Yep. You know, and so people see that you have such a big heart, but really what they don’t see is the reason for that is the pain. Yeah, the over giving is right for pain, and it’s giving for the wrong reasons. Right? Right. We don’t see that pattern until we see it right until we’re ready to see it. And that’s where you said when you were writing your book, it was obviously a very therapeutic thing for you. I experienced the same it was like the first time really that i same thing I express my voice express express my story shared my story. And it was it was received in a lot of the same way where we don’t talk about what’s happening in the in you know, the family and that’s nobody’s business and but it’s

Kimberly Bell 24:42
True. I had my story right dad at me. Yeah, serious and they’re still mad at me and the retaliation is crazy. But on the other hand, I got so many support of people saying that my story helped inspire them and you know, I never looked at. And I even made sure I remember specifically, when I had. And when I sent the transcript, which was that needed to be edit, you know, I said, and I made it very clear, I said, if you see that I’m going outside and touching my feelings and emotions negatively, to make someone else look bad. Please delete it. Because that is not my mission. This is about me, I want my book to help heal someone else. And to understand that this is my truth, that these are things that I went through, that I had to accept, and how these things has brought me to where I’m at now. Exactly. And so like you said, with people that are from different generations, or different mentality, or mindsets of of, you know, how dare you, you know, with knowing that you’re not just the only soul person that had certain effects on you that happened was like, you don’t cross the line, you don’t do that. You don’t do that I’d rather is for to inspire, heal, you’re not, you just don’t do that you you keep solid. That’s like you said, That’s nobody’s business. And so I am just, and that was like that door of I’ve never felt now, I felt that courageous move, just a touch of it, when I stopped the procrastination, and ended up graduating from the first college and completing something because I felt like I had this mentality that I just had the spirit of, I just couldn’t finish, I just would leave things open, and then go to another thing, and not complete, and then just go to another thing. And so that one courageous move was just a touch of this last one that I said, Okay, now, this is the biggest courageous move of speaking out, standing on my truth. And leaving in in the hands of God, on what the outcome will be. Because God knows it wasn’t about diminishing or damaging anybody else’s character. It was about setting me free. And it did. It set me free. But it also, and I just believe my story is going to set other people free. You know. So my dad said to me, and that really struck me when I was and I had a massage therapist. On on call. During the time I was writing the book during COVID. She didn’t even know that I was writing the book. Actually, I sent the book to her way after, you know, I therapy sessions when the book was released in August of last year. And she just called me she called me but she was like, I can’t believe it. She said, I did not know because some of the things she she didn’t even know. She said, and you were writing this at the time. And I was like, Yeah, but getting back to my dad said, and that really took me to the level that I knew that I had to do this. He said, and this is what he instilled in me was one part of my foundation, he said to me, if you don’t stand for something, learn right now to stand for something. Because if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. So that’s why I can talk it, because I lived it. And let people know that even with courageous moves, the it’s it’s still a process that I’m going through that I still feel hurt and pain. Yeah, because I just explained what happened to me a month ago, and I’m still grieving, I still miss her. I want pictures of us when we were a family that he he refuses to give me. So me and my, my, my children don’t have anything of her. Or my dad. And so we’re just waiting on him and at the mercy of him and, and I’m I have to work on me, to allow God to fill my heart with continue to fill my heart with love and not bitterness and not hate and say this is a battle that I don’t want to fight. If it’s going to disrupt my peace like this. You have it. If you take this and just bring me peace with this. I have his Bible. So and I have her obituary, and I do have some, you know some pictures of us. Especially you know when she went to my kids graduation, and you know, I look at those and I just think about things that and a piece comes over me when I think about this I know it’s nothing but God is saying one thing that no one can take away from you is the memories. This is things that they instilled in you. It’s the thoughts.

Kimberly Bell 30:11
It’s the way now that you have become as a woman and a mother. And, and a grandmother is because of them people that raised you. They can’t take that away from you. So I tear up with that. But it’s a good to hear, because it’s a piece that God has allowed me to strengthen through this, through this journey. And one thing I’ve found, and I and I tried to express so much, because I’ve dealt with this so many times, and I really believe we as human beings deal with this too. I’m not responsible for anyone else’s actions or behaviors. Do they hurt? Yeah. Are they disappointing? Yes. But the only thing that I can control and and deal with is my responses is my actions is my behavior is how I choose to live my life. Under stress, I can’t I can’t do anything else. Yeah. But for years, and I know a lot of people have, I’ve dealt my emotions on feeling responsible, or in control of what people done, and say, and how they acted, and how they behaved. And for instance, just like I said, if I had continued with that mentality, and that depression and anxiety and an impulsive, Kim, a month ago, when that had happened, for no one to think about, how could Kim come to this conclusion in her life and live and that journey, and then be courageous enough to share it to the world of my first sexual Foundation, my misdiagnosis of PTSD missed PTSD to mild retardation of six years and resource of bullying and, and taunting and the silent cry, and then having a child at 15. And if this is the type of, if I wore that, what I felt at that funeral that no one cared for my birth mother to my paternal uncle, that was in it, he knew me, he knew that, you know, he, you know, he had a relationship with, you know, my mom, my mom, his sister, so he knew he was in and out the house, he, you know, I called him my uncle didn’t you know, so it’s not like, you know, you did not know me, but for you to act and to behave and feel my heart was such disappointment and hurt. Had I not invested in me and had God to really start healing the process of not being responsible for what people do and say, I would have went off, I would have went in Andrew. Yeah

Victoria Volk 32:58
I think that’s what happens in a lot of situations.

Kimberly Bell 33:01
And that’s what exactly because all that builds up. And that release hasn’t been able to be dealt with and deal with and accept that. This is just a part of life, we have no control of what people will say do or at, towards us. None. But it all has an impact it but it all has an impact.

Victoria Volk 33:24
And that is the thing we all, every single one of us. Yeah. creates an impact in other people’s lives. Right. And we have the choice. what that impact is, there you go. That’s where personal responsibility. That is. That is owning your feelings. Yes. letting that be okay. But giving people the grace to to have their own feelings.

Kimberly Bell 33:51
Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Right. And not because like you were saying, there’s people that would not been able to take and give up. Totally give up. I’ve been there just give up. Want to give in, wanting to tap out? It’s no way. I mean, I remember that one of the last relationships. I was like, I’m at this age 40 Something my life is no way. I want to start all over again. Why? For what, you know what I mean, just let me tap out. I don’t want to have to even deal with this pain of having to regroup. You know, but it’s so much worse. The best gift I could ever gave myself was giving myself the gift to invest in me to love me.

Victoria Volk 34:42
I just got goosebumps, because that is truly I mean, really what it comes down to right? Is we always seem to look for everybody else to give us what really we may not have ever been taught how to give ourselves. Right. Right Self Love is the best love, right? That’s love.

Kimberly Bell 35:03
Yeah. Yes. And then when you do get that self love that best love that only you can give, I am just so confident with hope and faith that I’ll get that reciprocated. I don’t have to look for it in a calm.

Victoria Volk 35:22
I heard the quote just the other day actually yesterday, in fact, you attract more flies with honey. Right? Be the honey. Yeah. And leave the legacy that is one you are proud of the impact of one that you’re proud of? Yes. And here’s the thing, you know, whether it’s your uncle, whether it’s your mother, your biological mother, or whoever it is, we all bring our perspective in our personal experience and our, our lens of the world to situations and really, that just reveals that he has work to do. And when you have somebody like yourself that can really rub people the raw, you know what I mean? Really, honestly, like that’s the that’s the impact that we that you have, like, once you have gotten to a place where things that ruffled your feathers once upon a time don’t anymore. It people take notice of that and like in their energy bumps into your energy and their energy is like, well, aren’t you high and mighty? Or aren’t you don’t really mean like people? Can they interpret that as either indifference or Pollyanna or better than, you know, people can interpret those interpret that however, and that’s not your responsibility?

Kimberly Bell 35:24
Exactly Yes, exactly. What my responsibility is only, like you were saying, I love that word, only my own aura, my own love for me. My own confidence in me my own self worth in me, you know, only my own peace. I fight hard for it. So why don’t I fight? Hard to keep it? I do. And, you know, it’s just the process that I worked on me to get there, too, you know,

Victoria Volk 37:30
And I bet you feel empowered? I do. I don’t it’s disempowering to give that away. And either, right?

Kimberly Bell 37:37
Yes, I do. One of I did ended up. It was so therapeutic to, I did write a tribute. And that’s on my website, I wrote a tribute to my mom. And it just so happened, my birth mom had to read it, mind you. I wasn’t on the program. And I wasn’t able to do anything at the funeral. But she was in the program to do the obituary reading. And all the knowledge was in the cards. So I had to give my daughter had to give her whoever was on the program to do that. The tripping. And it just so happened to get in her hands.

Victoria Volk 38:12
Well, isn’t that full circle?

Kimberly Bell 38:13
Exactly so but getting back to the tribute, I remember it, you know, you just you just did a light bulb that came out when I was writing this. And I had a statement that was in the tribute that I said to her you know, I remember getting in the bathtub, you know, she she was one of the best scrub the back scrubbers ever because she was you know, she’s so old school. So I’m gonna scrub the bark off your back. But I don’t mean to be so heavy handed. But it felt so good. Because, you know, it was just like my little poor but but she said a phrase I never forget when I put that in the tribute She said your little frail, timid, timid Thank you are, you’re just a little frail to the thick and, you know, as I’m writing this is still so therapeutic. I’m laughing as I’m writing it. And I said it wasn’t for you and daddy bill because that’s what I called them. i What how you are raised me now has turned out to be the strongest and the courageous person in the world. So see how that we how that the you know, the investment. And as you said, until I started only that, even though I’m not responsible for how it affects anybody else. My silence or you know, my lack of silence my you know, my voice and my truth is regardless whether it you know, rubs anybody so one way is that I am so glad and it’s just such a blessing that an investment has taken into my life through experiences and through people that has raised me and that has loved me loved me their way But love me that I am able to, as you said, Now feel empowered. And I am not that frail, timid person, but it was because of those two that started that investment in me. So yeah.

Victoria Volk 40:17
And I think too, like when we’re talking to other family, or we’re talking to people, or we’re sharing our voice, as long as you’re sticking to how you felt in that moment, or how you felt at that time, or, you know, basic, you’re really just sharing your story of it. Right? People can argue that, right? There’s no argument there. Right? You know,

Kimberly Bell 40:41
I never in this crazy because none no one. Now my sister got a copy, you know, she she’s said, you know, she loved me, you know, she never, you know, spoke in details about the about the book, but no one from the family that have made me feel that they were kind of rubbed the wrong way for me exposing my true for whatever, have came to me and, and asked for me to explain anything. Like I said, they’re in that generation, where, you know, that’s how you felt. That’s how you felt. But my thing is, I’m ready. And I’m determined. And this is what I had been doing from 15 is breaking the generational curse, even with my minor. She gets upset and I said, mine. Yeah. Are you sad? Are you angry, that was never talked about or heard of, when I was growing up, you do not tell you do not even act like you’re mad or angry. First of all, in the Bible, it said, you know, they were very strict about the Bible, you don’t get angry, you don’t. And you know, you get mad, you know, mad at, you know, pretty much as a sin, you know, violence or whatever. But that emotion part point was definitely put on the back burner. Because as a child or as a child, you’re not taught that emotions are real. And they are valid, you know. And so I have clearly took a stand against that and gave my children that nugget that it is okay to be sad, it’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay. And it’s okay to talk about it as you were talking about, and it’s okay to share. And, um, how you feel even with me, sometimes I even have to come because now I’m adult, I’m loving and mothering adult children, and, and a minor, which is quite different. But I remember even saying to my son, we had gotten in a little conversation and it didn’t, didn’t go too well that I had to come back to him and let him know that, you know, I apologize if I said it wrong, where you didn’t understand where I was coming from. And it really made you feel the way you felt. But this is what I met. And then I concluded with him by saying this, Emanuel, and this is my adult son, my only only once one son. I said, besides me being your mother, understand, I am also a woman that I’m not perfect. I’m still treading this process. And I make mistakes too. But I’m also a woman, not just her mother, you know? Yeah. So it’s breaking that generational curse where you know, the communication. It’s like you said, it’s okay. I tell you, No, I’m, I’m 47 years old and saying to even myself, it’s okay to not be okay to that. Just before my mother passed away, I had to celebrate. And it was crazy, because this year, and he died in 97. When my adopted dad’s birthday came up. That was in March. I’m looking at his Bible and he has an I have his little obituary in the Bible when that day came. And I was just, I was just like, not a good day.

Kimberly Bell 44:14
I need a minute. I need a day I need from and I’m gonna give myself guess what Kim I’m giving myself permission to be sad. Just today for a few hours and think about if he was here, how he would have been proud of me how I would have been able to say, you know, daddy, Bill, look at this or, you know, he wasn’t able to see the youngest video and and hear him saying Kimmy, but it’s gonna be alright. It’s gonna be alright, you got this. It’s gonna be okay, you know? And I just kept you know, the tears just kept rolling. And I was like, I’m gonna give myself the time to cry. And it was just like, because so much had happened over the year and here the book and here March was his birthday, that I gave myself permission and being okay to celebrate my way, mourn my way. And like I said, I’m breaking that generation generational generational curses were growing up from an denominational church and religion was our main, our top umbrella is that you leave a lot of emotions and you trust God and you pray and you fast and you, you know, speak in tongues, and God is, God is the healer of all. And when go to outside sources, no, you know, which it’s not that way. It’s not that way all the time, I have felt so much love, throughout this whole year, that from people that doesn’t even look like me inspiring and telling my story, and it’s been healing, it’s been therapeutic for me, because I’m receiving, especially especially, I’m receiving what has already been given and created for me. And that is that unconditional love that love that once we talked about earlier that I didn’t have to buy, that I didn’t have to be not nothing but Kim. And they’re receiving and saying I’m supporting, you know what I mean, I’m not getting, I didn’t get it from all my family members. You know, I got it from my, you know, my, my, all my immediate, you know, my children, but I’m just giving a point where to listeners that it may not even come from what you, you were where you would want it to come from, or even look like you. But embrace it, I had to learn to embrace it. And I’m telling you, this has been I have had so many sisters, you know, and been on interviews and podcasts male and female that has poured their love out and support that I felt it, I didn’t hate it, you know, and I’m just like, you know, this is what life is all about, you know, loved us definitely doesn’t have a color, and it doesn’t have a gender. But it is created for us to receive. were created in love and it is for us to receive and I’m just so happy that I’m able to express that and inspire to someone that um, don’t shortchange yourself, don’t cut it off, because it doesn’t look like you, it doesn’t feel like it should come from there. Because that’s just not the way life is. That’s just not the way like this.

Victoria Volk 47:33
I love to all of that so much. I have this thought, recently, actually, like when you have a challenging situation, and I did not that long ago. And I thought to myself, What would love do, you know, we can still have boundaries, we can still act from a place of love. We can share our voice and our feelings from a place of love and compassion. And with grace, right? And I’m curious if as a child, you were like, do you look at yourself as a Do you consider yourself as a highly sensitive person? Yeah, so I am too. And I, my childhood did not make sense until probably three years ago. And so when you were talking about, you know, these big feelings as a kid and having these big feelings, and I think that’s where sometimes like, I don’t think my mom either knew what to do with my big feelings. You know, so it was no, you’re not going to cry. If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about. So I’d go under my bed to cry or I’d go in the linen closet to cry. You know, I just never expressed or shared myself. I didn’t have the safety and the freedom to do that. Right. And, but I am curious. And I was going to ask this after we were done recording but I’m just going to ask this. When what was was your dad’s birthday? Dad Bill, you said March.

Kimberly Bell 49:01
Yeah, March. Yeah, no, listen, March. Hold on. Let me get my calendar. But March is that crazy weather right?

Victoria Volk 49:12
Yeah, it’s like that in between

Kimberly Bell 49:14
Where it does it you know, the you never know whether it will comes

Victoria Volk 49:20
Comes in like a lion goes out like a lion at first. Yep. I was just because I’m not sure what the changes in the astrology but I was gonna say if he’s a Pisces. I’m a Pisces. He gets the feelings piece. And that’s probably what he was bringing into his relationship with you. Yeah, it’s that the deep feeling of a Pisces?

Kimberly Bell 49:46
Yeah, I’m so glad and her birthday and her birthday is in June. But I’m so glad that he he said that balance of the feelings. He said that balance and so the feeling is they We’re gonna get when I was probably eight or nine. I know I was young. Of course I’m my skin is a lot darker than them. And they would my, my biological well my adopted mom would say, you don’t look like us now in which was true, but she wasn’t intentionally saying things to hurt me but this these are things like like I said back in a generational, they they felt like children or children were you could say whatever and they didn’t know they don’t absorb things as a sponge. But she said, you know you don’t look like us and they were they their their color was much lighter than mine. But this is you don’t look like us. But you’re ours. You know, you’re you’re you’re a girl, you know, you belong to us. And you might have the bigger nose, you might have the gloves, but so I started not liking my features. But I remember like, it was yesterday. My dad sensed a feeling over me once she said it. That depressed. My look of myself. Now I’m not I’m a child. I’m young. I’m not even a teenager. But he says that, where he stopped me one day because I don’t know what how I was moving around or whatever. But he stopped me one day he said, Kimmy, is that I want you to know something. He said the world needs your smile. You have a beautiful smile. He said stop covering yourself. Do you smile for Daddy never never, never brought up what she said about my features or whatever. But she ballots when he said that? I never forgot. And I put that in my in my head along with what she said. And let me tell you something, that ballots helped me find some peace and build on my self esteem from that comment that he said that embed into my spirit. Yeah. So it’s very tempting, isn’t it? Very nice.

Victoria Volk 52:11
Something once one simple,

Kimberly Bell 52:13
One comment. Yeah, comment. Now. Now. Now here this I didn’t forget about what my mother said. But if it had not if he had never said that comment about my smile, I would probably been, you know, had to deal with so many more issues of my physical attributes that I call beautiful attributes now. Yeah. So Yeah.

Victoria Volk 52:35
Sounds like he was a very intuitive man. Yes. Is there anything else that you would like to share?

Kimberly Bell 52:44
What comes to mind, I have believe it’s eight or I believe is eight affirmations that I thought of that. It’s on my website that you can download for free. But one of them has come to mind as I kept talking to you is that I have learned to do and consistently try to remember not to do is to expect to see the me and other people. I’m just uniquely created the way I am. And I’m owning, you know, given the biggest gift of me have invested in me but not expected and not seen the me and other people not being responsible for it either.

Victoria Volk 53:25
It’s beautiful. One question. What would you say grief has taught you your grief has taught you?

Kimberly Bell 53:34
You can find strength in it. You’ll find strength in it. If you allow yourself to choose, you’ll find strength and

Victoria Volk 53:43
If you choose Yes, and it really does truly come down to choice. Yeah. So where can people find you if they’d like to connect with you and find their find your book?

Kimberly Bell 53:53
Okay, well, I have a Facebook Kimberly Bell and I’m on Instagram, Kimberly bell at Crimson Kimberly Bell and I have this website that is just truly my baby. I love it. I have such an awesome team and your website. Yes, the website is www.kimberlyannebell. Kimberly anvil, Kimberly anvil and with the E though.com. And you’ll see the book right there the memoir of the epitome of Kimmy the memoir, accept and embrace it all. And I the book is found on Amazon and good reads and you can contact me off the website. A speaker I travel I also do mentoring sessions. One of the mentoring sessions is titled accept and embrace it all. And another one is balance beam of life. So I’m just I’m just so excited about the season in my life. So

Victoria Volk 54:53
I love it. I bet your kids are very proud of you too.

Kimberly Bell 54:56
They are and I proud of them. I keep saying you guys rock because you guys rock I rock

Victoria Volk 55:03
But you know, it’s like, don’t you feel just so much more at peace as a parent to just take comfort in knowing that you are breaking the chains and this the cycle of because I think what I wanted to say too is you what you did was you challenge the beliefs, and you know, the beliefs that you were born into whether they were self limiting beliefs or whether it was beliefs passed down to you. But it’s when we challenge those beliefs that we find our own truth. Yes. So thank you for sharing your truth today.

Kimberly Bell 55:36
Thank you for allowing me to share. Thank you for so much for your platform. Thank you.

Victoria Volk 55:43
And I’ll put all the links in the show notes. So look there if you want to connect with Kim, Kimmy, Kimberly, what do you prefer? Is by Kim All right, so And remember, when you unleash your hearts, you unleash your life. Much love