Educational, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Growth, Pespective, Resources |
Did you know that you are able to apply grief recovery to relationships with the living, deceased, and also the relationship to yourself?
Throughout the past year, I’ve worked through processing what is emotionally incomplete. I’ve worked through relationships with several deceased relatives, some living, and also with my relationship with my inner-child, money, and alcohol.
In the United States, it will soon be Independence Day (4th of July). We collectively celebrate our societal freedom, meanwhile, many of us feel as though we are stuck in emotional jail? What a paradox!
Do you feel as though you are in emotional jail, despite having all of the freedom in our country that we’ve been blessed to experience? That’s normal and natural because grief is normal and natural. Feeling emotionally incomplete keeps us feeling as though we are imprisoned. Grief itself feels like this. Do you agree?
I felt as though I was in an emotional prison in the context of a certain relationship for many years. It wasn’t until I processed and worked through those feelings in an action-based, structured way, that allowed me to, once and for all, experience emotional freedom. I learned how to release all that I could not change, the emotional pain I was harboring, and process the grief I had around the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations I had for the relationship.
Working through my relationship to alcohol enabled and empowered me to give up the emotional hold it had over me. It’s so easy to reach for a drink when we’re feeling stressed, bored, or upset.
Think about it – how often have you had a bad day and, a friend suggests going for a night out on the town to get your mind off of what’s bothering you? Or, do you resort to alcohol as a way to loosen up when socializing because, without it, you feel inadequate or uncomfortable? In a couple of weeks, it will be eight months since I’ve had a drink – even a sip of alcohol! I absolutely contribute the work I’ve completed around my relationship to alcohol, in grief recovery, to the fact that I haven’t felt the need (or, desire for that matter) to have a drink.
I am not anyone special. I am a griever just like you. I just happen to learn new tools and methods for finding my way to emotional freedom. And, every time I feel myself becoming emotionally reactive, I know that’s an area where I have some work to do.
Do you desire emotional freedom?
Are you a recovering addict – whether it be to alcohol, drugs, or otherwise, with at least a year sober under your belt and, are ready to work through grief, specifically, in a supported and guided way?
Regardless of the losses you’ve endured (grief is grief), grief recovery will help you complete what is emotionally incomplete –
I have two spots open right now for grief recovery online, one-on-one, if you are ready to do the internal work. Grief recovery is hope. And, if you’re a parent of a child struggling, know that, very soon, we will be able to work together online with the four-week Helping Children with Loss program. Stay tuned for more info on that!
And, if you’re not quite ready to work with me but are wanting to get to know me better and learn more about my teaching style, you can listen to my recently launched podcast, Grieving Voices. I am thrilled to give other grievers the platform and opportunity to share their grief stories as well. If this is you, please get in touch.
Have a safe and joyful independence weekend (if you celebrate)!
Grief, Grief Stories, Growth, Spirituality |
When someone strikes you on [your] right cheek, turn the other one to him as well. – Matthew 5:39
It’s a sorrowful time. I have tried to tune out the news and, instead, turn inward. Fortunately, this week offered a lot of road time and, for me, that’s thinking/reflecting time. I also enjoy listening to various types of podcasts when I’m traveling as well. This week, one podcast interview arrived in my inbox with the title: “Racism, white privilege, and healing America.” It was this conversation between Reverend Michael Beckwith and Lewis Howes. There is one stat that Reverend Michael Beckwith mentions that I did find to be false. Beckwith stated a staggering statistic that 80-90% of the prison population in the U.S. is Black. I had to know if this was true. Indeed, it was a false statement. Instead, 33% of the prison population is Black, whereas 30% is White. However, Blacks are incarcerated more than 5X the rate of Whites. A far cry from 80-90% but none the less, the rate at which Blacks are incarcerated is significantly imbalanced.
Since childhood, I’ve always been a cheerleader for the underdog, likely because I viewed myself as an underdog. I love a good triumph story. I believe we all do. There isn’t a whole lot of diversity living in the midwest, as there is in other parts of the country. I only knew of one Black person that lived in my entire county growing up. Imagine being the only Black person in a whole county of White people!? I don’t know for sure, but of the few Black individuals I know of from growing up, and in recent years, from my perspective, I didn’t see them treated any differently. They were maybe safer living here, in German country, than in larger metropolitan areas.
I didn’t grow up with much racial talk in my home. I have a half-brother that is half Puerto Rican, nieces, and nephews who are half Puerto Rican-Native American. And I only recently learned in the past year that the only reason I am alive today is that, while in Vietnam, a Black man took a bullet for my dad. And, although my dad grew up in a racially prejudiced home, my dad didn’t follow the ideology of his parents. Perhaps because his faith was important to him? I can only imagine he often asked himself: “What would Jesus do?” For that, I am grateful.
Growing up, I had the understanding that people were people. We all bleed the same. However, recently while in a meeting, a White individual remarked about the protests and riots using derogatory language, I did not agree with, and I did and said nothing. Days later, I still feel an unsettled feeling and guilt around this. I did not agree with the statements made, and I remained silent. I believe what stopped me was the feeling that this person has their emotions that they are equally entitled to and, it’s not my place to say his feelings have less value than my own. And, nothing I would ever say will make this person believe otherwise, anyway. Or, perhaps I’m wrong. I don’t know. And, I’ll never know because I remained silent in the situation.
If you’re not having a conversation with your kids about the current events, I encourage you to do so. Today, I asked all three of my kids if they had seen the video and, if so, how they felt about it. They all had, of course, it’s everywhere online. And, when I asked them directly what they thought or felt about Black people, my middle replied: “We’re all the same. We’re all people.” They all agreed that we are all the same. I then shared the story above about mixed ethnicities within our family and my dad’s experience in Vietnam. This conversation was long overdue.
I want to share a passage of writing I came across today (published in 2016), such a timely piece I thought I would share.
In first-century Palestine, left-handedness was seen as evil. People never used their left hands for any public task, even slapping a person. The only way to strike a person the right cheek, using the right hand, is with a backhand. One could only strike “inferiors” back-handed: slaves, women, and children. Striking an equal, a free man, with a backhand could incur legal punishment. Hence, Jesus’ message: if someone treats you as an inferior by backhanding you on the right cheek, turn the other cheek to them and challenge them to treat you as an equal, a form of nonviolent resistance. It is an instruction about using inner strength in a noble way.
This call to respond with dignity is greatly needed in this time when verbal backhanding erupts in every forum. We need Jesus’ call to stand up to contemptuousness not by striking back, but by fostering respect. – Patricial Livingston
Respect. There it is.
Respect for ourselves, others, and for life itself. And, we bring about respect when we come from a place of love. Society sends all sorts of messages that love is something to be obtained. But, it is in giving love away that we experience it. If we give love to ourselves, we receive love. If we give love to our neighbors, we receive love.
Love is anything but an easy call to action. We have our inner demons, sorrows, and shadow-sides to fight before it can beam from us freely. We have years of stories blocking us, with learned beliefs and ideology, to discern what is right for ourselves independent of what we’ve been taught. And, here’s the thing – we’re not meant to soldier on in our lives alone. We heal ourselves and help others heal when we are in community with others.
Like Reverend Beckwith states towards the end of the interview, when asked about a mantra we can all adopt during this time: “Make me an instrument of PEACE.”
Peace. It starts with intention. And, it begins within.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Pespective |
Grief isn’t just about death. I talk a lot about this, but it begs to be repeated.
A child (and adults alike) grieve moving, death of a pet, loss of friendships, death of loved ones, loss of trust, safety, or security.
During this pandemic, I’ve been thinking about the children who don’t have the best home life—the children who may feel isolated due to having their safe space (school) now taken away. For many kids, school is the one place for someone to come to their aid and be their advocate.
Here is an excerpt from this full [opinion] article in The Hill (which I fully agree with):
It is incumbent upon all of us, including courts, law enforcement, education, medical and mental health providers — and even neighbors who may come into contact with young children and families — to continue to be part of a public health approach to child safety during this pandemic. Child maltreatment occurs in all sectors of society, and even healthy families can be pushed to their limits because of severe economic stress and sudden round-the-clock caregiving. We each have a role to play to keep families strong and children safe during this crisis.
I can’t even imagine the child grief that exists now, throughout the world, and how it will impact all of these children the rest of their lives. As a grieving child-adult myself, I know the damage grief can cause when it becomes so much a part of you. However, I also see the tenacity and determination that can come from it as well. Everyone’s path is different, but there are so many influencing factors that will determine the path a child will take into adulthood.
Influencing Factors of Childhood Grief
I believe, what influences a child and their grief most, is the amount of inner-work their parent(s) or guardian(s) have worked through themselves, and their comfort level with grief in general. From personal experience, a relationship with someone important to me suffered for many, many years as I got older, as a result of not only my unprocessed grief but that, too, of those in charge of my care. Albeit, my mother, childcare provider, or teacher – none of which had received education in how to help a child process grief.
It wasn’t until the inner-work I did on my own, much later as an adult, where I felt an immense amount of compassion and understood, for the first time, the sacrifice we make in our lives to hold onto emotional pain. And, this is the work – to get to the root of our grief; pulling it out at the root, just as you would a weed in your garden. As you pull more and more weeds, you also discover even more weeds that need tending.
It is so important, as a parent or guardian, to tend to our weeds. We project our wounds, unintentionally, onto children. Similarly, anyone in a leadership role over children may do this. Hurt people hurt people – even children, and often, unintentionally; hence, the importance of the educational piece. When we have an awareness of what is helpful and supportive, then you will be better equipped to help the child in your care who is struggling.
When we use our feeling words and give voice to how we feel, rather than stuffing down, numbing out, ignoring, putting on a strong face, or even full-body armor (i.e., shielding ourselves from even the good stuff of life), our human spirit is nurtured. These emotions are no longer blocked, and we don’t hurt the people we care about most.
What We’re Taught & Pass Down Generations
Adults must be an example of how healthy emotional processing looks. If you don’t know how to do this, you resort to what you’ve been taught, which is likely all of the unhelpful and even hurtful things that have been passed down generations and that society reinforces, such as:
- Don’t Feel Bad
- Replace the Loss
- It Just Takes Time
- Grieve Alone (Grievers often isolate because of the hurtful and unhelpful things that are said to them and the comparison of losses.)
- Be Strong (for yourself and others – saying: “You are so strong’ or, ‘You’re the strongest person I know” reinforces this message.)
- Keep Busy
A reason why I am so passionate about grief recovery (and the various programs offered) is that it’s an educational program, as much as it’s an action-based approach. For someone to create lasting, meaningful change, one must gain knowledge, gain awareness, change their attitudes, and understand and learn new behaviors. The Grief Recovery Method encompasses and incorporates all of these factors, thereby setting the foundation and groundwork for healing.
Often, people are afraid of healing. Children aren’t, though, they just don’t usually have the guidance to do so. How much time and how much life do you feel you have missed, things you could have done differently, ways your life could have been different, better, or more? That, my friend, is what grief is: anything we wish would have been different, better, or more. And, it’s the loss of hopes, dreams, expectations. Imagine if, as a child, you would have received the tools to help you navigate all the hardships in your life on the way to adulthood. Do you think you’d be in a different place, emotionally, than you are today? Do you think you would have, perhaps, dared to chase your dreams?
Grief has a price. And, we all pay it, because society has not educated itself on this topic. It’s no surprise to me that grief is a hot topic during this pandemic. And, perhaps that’s the gift of Covid-19 – it’s getting a conversation going about this other intangible (but yet palpable) thing that the entire world has always had in common (since the beginning of humankind).
The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. – William James
You may feel like a complete failure after reading this. I felt that after my grief education. It’s hard to swallow, knowing there is the potential of having done more harm than good. But, when your child has a broken arm, you don’t Google on how to fix it yourself, do you? No, you take your child to an expert. Similarly, when your child is grieving, you should seek the help of an expert – someone who knows how to navigate such things. A person can get along with a poorly healed arm, although, will likely have some aches and pains. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, it isn’t just their arm that suffers and quality of life, in grief, it’s life itself that suffers.
If you don’t know what to do, this post is about where to start. And, if you want to prepare your child for the grief that they are guaranteed to one day experience, I encourage you to reach out to work with me in digging into your own. Committing to going first is the hardest part. And, if you’re interested in going first, click HERE. Next week, I will complete my advanced grief recovery certification, where I will be able to provide grief recovery online. Does seven weeks to emotional freedom sound good to you? I only wish I would have found it decades ago; I cannot imagine the emotional suffering it would have spared me and how much more present (therefore, fulfilling), life would’ve been as well.
Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Reiki, Resources, Spirituality |
We all have that thing; a horrible experience, a needling feeling in our heart, a painful itch you can’t ever seem to scratch.
If you took a drone and hovered it over your life, it might look like days not showering, angry outbursts toward loved ones; hours spent binge-watching reality tv, or hours lying in bed – your mind filled with worry, anxiousness, or fear.
It might also look like “productivity:” hours of exercise, baking, reading fantasy, getting a new pet (which requires countless hours of training), obsessive cleaning/organizing, etc..
Emotional dis-ease manifests differently in our lives for every one of us.
For me, it looked like a mom who felt anxious daily; frazzled and torn between obligation, responsibility and what my heart truly needed – healing. As a parent, I know the struggle with the relationship to time to not only be there for those around you but also create time and space for yourself to look inward.
I feel like there is a massive gap in our culture of self-work and the obligations of being a parent. How do we bridge that gap? How do we create the time and space our hearts need when we’re bombarded by life daily?
Back in 2014, things were coming to a head for me. I was faced with this very dilemma of wanting to figure my shit out so I could finally be content with myself and my life and compartmentalizing all of that so I could be present for my children.
I look back on that time now, and I know I wasn’t present. I know there are gaps in my memory that go far back to my childhood. Whether there are blocks of time I’ve consciously or subconsciously blocked out from my awareness (even as an adult), I’ve yet to discover; however, it’s what I’m currently exploring.
Trauma has a way of creeping up on us after the fact. Often, we don’t recognize it as such either. Instead, it manifests in ways I’ve previously described. But it’s there, like an undercurrent of a flowing river, just going along until it finds its way out. Eventually, it does find a way out.
Making Time and Creating Space for Healing
Self-healing is like peeling back the layers of an onion. Every time we remove one layer, another emerges. Unprocessed emotions have a way of making their presence known when we least expect them to appear, too. We must find a way and the time, even if it means going away for an overnight one day per month. That’s where a program, based on a time-frame was most beneficial for me. I could leave my obligations and responsibilities behind, so I could focus on healing and healing alone. It took years to make it a priority for myself. But, I do feel that what I needed, found its way to me in perfect timing. All the stuff I did leading up to it, stacked up, preparing me for what was to come. So, never discount the little actions, the small things you do daily to nurture healing. It’s often the micro-actions that build the foundation for major emotional shifts and breakthroughs.
The One Thing that Changed My Life
The one thing that has changed my life, above anything else, was beginning to peel back the onion and doing the inner work. Layer by layer, I’m discovering where my heart and soul need healing (even now; it’s a work-in-progress without an “I’ve arrived” date).
Our best selves go into hiding when our brains use logic to make sense of emotionally dangerous situations. All the while, our hearts put up a wall and armor up to the world around us.
Self-discovery is a marathon. There’s no one way to awareness and enlightenment. However, just like in training for a marathon, we are required to take action. And not just action for the sake of taking action. I’m talking intentional and intuitive, hearts-desire action.
I’m partial to The Grief Recovery Method; however, I know it’s the only way. Do I feel it’s the best way to get a good start on your “heart onion?” Absolutely. It’s a guided and safe process that creates a massive dent in the emotional dis-ease we all carry in a set timeframe (i.e. there is something to look forward to – there is hope). Combining it with conventional therapy (which isn’t a requirement) is an even better scenario, depending on your situation. But, I also rely on other means of doing my own “heart-onion” work, too. Reiki has been the hands around my heart, offering support exactly where I need it, as I work through processing the emotional gunk.
And here’s the thing, my gut intuition and a deep desire to live my best life has led to this post I’m writing today. If someone would have told me in 2014 when I was sitting at my kitchen table, not having showered for three days, pouring over self-help content for hours – that I’d be where I’m at today. I would have said, “Amen, Hallelujah – there is hope.”
My Wish for You Today
If you receive anything from today’s blog post, my goal is that you feel a sense of hope come wash over you. Use hope as your guide-post, affirming that better days are ahead. Allow hope to take root in the deepest crevice of your heart today and allow it to lift your spirits.
This is Easter weekend and nothing about it neither looks nor feels like Easter – on television, anyway. So, for the weekend, tune out the television and tune into your heart. Take in the songs of the birds, the smell of orchids, and the sights of new life. And, take a moment to look into your heart; asking God, the Archangels, or universe (whomever you choose) to guide you to whatever it is your heart is calling you to heal using whatever methods feel good to you.
Never lose hope; it is the one thing that keeps, at very least, one foot out of despair.
Sending you so much love and many blessings this Easter weekend.
There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin
P.S. Begining mid-May, I will be certified as an advanced grief recovery method specialist. This will enable me to offer grief recovery one-on-one to anyone, anywhere. If you would like to be in the loop as to when this becomes available (and other applicable info), enter your details HERE. You will also be given the option to receive my weekly newsletter, where I include all news, promotions, and content not shared anywhere else.
Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Stories, Growth, Resources |
Are you the type of person who is always looking for the silver lining in a situation? Or, do you tend to give more thought to what is or could’ve been?
There’s no right or wrong answer here. I’ve just thought this week about how differently we’re all wired.
For the most part, since childhood, I’ve considered myself as optimistic. Likely because of the crappy things I experienced in my youth. Even as a kid, I recognized there is always someone who has had it worse. Always. I don’t say that lightly. And, it’s not even that I was taught this, because I don’t believe I was. I think it’s something I felt and witnessed. And perhaps this is what’s been burned into my heart. And, when I put myself in their shoes, and allow my imagination to take me to that person’s experience, and feel what that would feel like, suddenly, all that I’ve endured doesn’t seem so hard.
But, all that empathy, optimism, and always looking to the future (when I get older, I’m going to do this, I’m going to experience that, etc..) kept me from really feeling what I was experiencing in the present. I look back on my childhood and recognize that I spent a lot of time in my imagination.
Silver linings are great; as long they’re not a coping mechanism to deflect from what’s going on in the heart. Children, in my opinion, do this naturally, though – as a way to protect themselves. And, children are also more sensitive to the energy of others, and often pick up on and perceive situations differently than adults.
Although I believe we have tendencies that are hard-wired and written into our DNA, I equally think that early traumatic experiences re-wire our brains and create physical changes on a cellular level. I’m starting to dive into the topic of trauma and it impacts on our bodies, but I find it fascinating and will share as I learn.
In the meantime, I guess I will continue to be one of those annoying people who are always ready to point out the silver lining of a situation. However, what I’ve learned through grief recovery is that firstly, it is most important to acknowledge and not minimize the human experience someone else is having.
Everyone sees situations through their lens of experience. And, that’s why the Grief Recovery Method is so powerful. We learn to be a heart with ears for others; removing the lens through which we see the world, and giving someone else the presence of heart – and heart alone.
When we begin to work on our inner “stuff,” we see our lives (and the lives of others, too) from a different perspective. It also becomes a lot easier to see the silver lining for ourselves, too. Because, when you get 5-12 people in one group sharing their deepest pain, I guarantee you’d rather keep your problems. And, it’s not to compare, again – that’s not what we do in Grief Recovery. But, the awareness of that alone has the power to illuminate the grief in our lives – in a way, nothing else can. And that is why we can never heal in isolation.
What is a silver lining-feeling you desire in your life? How do you wish to see a situation differently?
Think about it this way; those who survived as POW’s (the late John McCain, for example) or Holocaust survivors (for example, this book by Viktor Frankl, which has been on my “to-read” list for far too long), are some of the greatest optimists you’ll ever meet. When I’ve watched interviews, recently this one shared on CBS Sunday Morning for the 75th Anniversary of Auschwitz, I could feel their optimism, despite what they’ve endured. I’ve been to the Dachau Concentration Camp; just walking the grounds was a sobering experience.
Where does optimism come from, if not from our life experience?
I’ll leave you today with Frankl’s words:
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
P.S. Heads up! Next week Monday, I’ll be sharing a birthday week promotion! You’ll have an opportunity to book Reiki sessions at a discount for that week only (can be used later) – due to my schedule; sessions are limited! Also, there is a discount for the 7-week One-on-One Grief Recovery Program. Stay tuned! I will be sending my email list the info first if you’d like to get in on the birthday shenanigans! 🙂
Grief Stories, Growth, Living Unleashed |
There are moments in life where we feel like we disappointed someone or even ourselves. It could be by not living up to our potential, not keeping a promise, or also feeling as though we let someone else down.
So, what do I mean by “fail up?”
Fail Up is simply this: when the feeling of a letdown, disappointment, failure, etc. creep in your heart – do something right then that will move you forward and create momentum.
I’ve learned a lot about the concept of “fail up” since I got certified in the grief recovery method and offering the programs I am certified to facilitate. You see, grief recovery services aren’t exactly like the Black Friday shopping years ago where people would line up for hours upon hours, nearly kill (or literally – I’m sure it happened) each other for, or save money toward either. My point is, is this is a service people generally have to warm up to receive and likely don’t know it exists. Which is why I talk about it 80% of the time on social or to anyone who will listen!
This is not an easy-peasy business to build. And I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But, boy, did I experience it fully and left my experience wholeheartedly believing in it! So, when I have days where I feel like everything I’ve tried has failed, or I feel like I’ve disappointed someone, I remember why I got into this work in the first place. I also remind myself of this beautiful lesson in perseverance (i.e., “failing up”), taught to me by my mentor, Sandi. And I grab my paper and pen, and I start brainstorming, journaling, and work myself through the emotion of it and continually grab onto the next best feeling I can. And, I always land back on hope.
Hope is what got me here in the first place. I had hope that I would find relief in my grief when I discovered the Grief Recovery Institute a year ago in January. I had faith that it would transform my relationship with my grief and enable me to live in the present more fully. I had hope of getting out of the rut, that I felt, grief was keeping me in all my life. I believed I was meant for more and that there was more to life than feeling like emotional garbage day in and day out.
Hope.
It got me here and it still, regularly, gets me out of my headspin of feeling failure to the point it paralyzes me.
Fail up and hope go hand-in-hand. Because without hope, I don’t know that I would take the actions needed that enable me to fail up in the first place. What I offer is more significant than myself. It feels like a movement. My pity parties aren’t near as long as they used to be in my earlier entrepreneurial years. I thank the good Lord for preparing me for this time in my life. My photography business gave me so many skills and knowledge that I utilize daily. I feel like I’m above the curve-ball. And finally, my heart has caught up to my purpose, and I feel aligned.
I can tell you, I’ve failed up a lot; there were a lot of stepping stones over the years. Perhaps look at the times you feel you failed and apply this message and see if you can’t begin to look at things from a different point-of-view.
Fail Up, friend. And never lose hope (my favorite-est word in the world).
