Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
I had an entirely different blog post previously ready for today. However, given the circumstances with Covid-19 (a.k.a. [dumb] Corona Virus), I felt this post was a priority.
Fear is a valid emotion. And, it is one that just so happens to, at times, keep us alive. Fear is what makes us run when we’re being chased, protect ourselves when our safety is in danger, and act when fear wells up in us in an emergency.
However, what happens when fear is an emotional response rather than one that’s a matter of safety? What is the difference?
When I think about how my body responds to fear of doing something new (like publishing my book) or to danger, there is a difference. When faced with a decision that makes me feel fearful, I tend to feel it as anxiety. I will have nervous energy, lack of focus, and an inability to act in a way that creates momentum (i.e., I tend to procrastinate). However, when I’ve been faced with a situation that made me feel like I was in danger (for example, realizing I was being followed as I walked the streets of Austin, TX), that fear was different than the fear felt from doing something new/scary. This fear had me evaluating my surroundings, thinking through scenarios, and looking for someone to help me feel safe.
I’ve been pondering fear for the past few days. What do you think? Do you agree that fear, from an emotional state, provokes a different response than that fear that originates from danger? Do you think the body’s response is similar or different?
Regardless, fear is a valid feeling; it serves a purpose for humanity. It is one thing that we have in common with the animal world, too. In regards to Covid-19, the response has been more of an emotional one for me. I have not found myself feeling fearful for my health or that of my spouse or children. However, I have found myself feeling concerned for my mom, in-laws, and others in my community.
We’re seeing both of these fear responses now. Some individuals can’t see loved ones who are quarantined (with or without symptoms) who may have other life-threatening conditions already. So, imagine the fear of losing a loved one who you can’t see, hug, or touch, all the while knowing there’s a possibility they may pass away? Do you think they are experiencing grief?
Or, how about the woman who has an immunocompromised child? Knowing her child has been close to death before with common, known illnesses, and there’s now this unknown viral infection that’s already taking lives? Do you think you would be a fearful mother, too? Do you think you would maybe react out of fear, also, when non-worried folks are downplaying what is unknown to all of us?
And, I think that’s where the fear is originating. This thing arrived in our backyards unknown. It’s wreaking havoc on our way of life, finances, our emotions, how we live and work, and how we interact with others. For example, a family member works in Target, and somehow it’s their fault that the shelves are empty of toilet paper. This “TP-Gate” still doesn’t make much sense to me as diarrhea is not one of the common symptoms, and the majority of our toilet paper in the states comes from within the U.S. Also, can you imagine being a mother of a baby and not being able to find wipes? I also cannot imagine working in a nursing home these days and running out of toilet paper. I have worked as a certified nursing assistant and seriously, bless the hearts of those who work in the medical field now. They risk their health for a paycheck, perhaps, even their own life if they have underlying conditions.
So, how about we start looking at this thing differently. I imagine it’s going to be sticking around for a while. Emotions are already running high, stress/issues with finances, health, parenting, and then some looms over all of our heads. So, how about we at least try to lead with love? Before striking back out of emotional fear, stop, and think. There are already copious amounts of grief in our society. This situation is bound to only add to it for many. Think beyond your immediate bubble for a moment. Zoom out to the bigger picture, and all of the possible scenarios already playing out in other people’s lives. Because, when we only think from our bubbles, we’re missing the opportunity to lead with love. Instead, extend some grace to the stressed employee at Target. Offer support to the single mother who has no choice but to be home with her kids, sick or not because schools are closed, and without a paycheck. Be a listening ear for the man who can’t see his quarantined, dying mother who is on hospice.
We all carry grief in some form and Covid-19 is definitely creating more of that. My daughter is quite sad (and angry) that her first year of playing volleyball has come to an abrupt end. Those in quarantine, who are already potentially isolating grievers, may experience an even more significant impact on their mental health. And, those who can’t say goodbye to a dying loved one, in person, will undoubtedly experience grief beyond measure. Children will miss their classmates and learning environment. Teachers, coaches, athletes, actors/actresses, and then some, won’t be able to participate and share their passion with others. These experiences, too, will cause grief.
On a personal note, The Grief Recovery Institute has put out the recommendation not to conduct support groups or one-on-one programs until further notice. For those who rely on this profession full-time, or in any profession that is reliant on in-person work, they’re bound to feel the sting to their finances, as well as the sadness that accompanies the fact that they’re not able to help/serve others.
This virus is far-reaching than the illness itself and, I think this week, that fact settled into the forefront of our minds. I think we would all agree, too, that this thing can’t be in our rearview soon enough.
In the meantime, let’s set the intention at the start of our day to let love lead the way. Send out, energetically, healing, and love to your loved ones, community, state, country, and world. Let’s step up our self-care and make our personal mental health a priority. Limiting news exposure, purposefully not tuning in, or logging on; only checking credible sources long enough to stay informed, would greatly contribute to our mental health as well.
I am sending you and yours, my love. I pray this thing leaves us sooner rather than later and quickly becomes a bad memory (from which we all learn something).
To love leading the way…
P.S. In case you didn’t know, Reiki boosts immunity! If you would like to learn more, click HERE.
Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth |
As grievers, our hearts are soft and ever-changing through the motions day-to-day. For comparison purposes, think back to childhood and the hours of fun you had with play-doh; molding, creating and shaping it to make something new to express what you’re thinking/feeling.
Our grieving hearts can also be like clay, soft at the start, only to harden over time. And, this is what happens to, I believe, most of us grievers as time goes on. It’s also why time heals all wounds is a myth that needs to die in conversation. Time does nothing but pass. It’s the action we take in time that creates lasting change.
People say, what they think, are thoughtful, insightful things to grievers. Grievers themselves who’ve never likely processed their grief are sharing from a place of pain themselves. So, why do the things grievers say to other grievers come off as hurtful and unhelpful?
Below are some examples of typical phrases grievers say to other grievers and why these phrases are unhelpful and often hurtful.
“At least he/she is in a better place…” —- First of all, to someone whose grieving the loss of a loved one, they’re sad their loved one isn’t here on earth with them. That would be the better place. In the event of long-term suffering, this may feel true of the griever, but we should never assume that’s how they’re feeling.
“I know how you feel…” —- Impossible. Every loss is different because every relationship is different. It is impossible to know how someone is feeling, and it is unhelpful and hurtful to assume otherwise. Two sisters who experience the death of their mother, despite experiencing the same loss, they’re thoughts and feelings about the loss will be completely different. Each of them experienced a mother-daughter relationship that was unique to them. Similarly, if two people, unrelated, experience a similar loss, although they can relate to each other, their losses will still be individually unique.
“You’re young; you can try/find love again [referring to miscarriage, death of a spouse/significant other]…” —- Saying this is a complete disregard for the emotional weight of what’s been lost. A child, regardless of gestation, is a child to that mother. One never knows the challenges someone faces, too, in conceiving. Also, one never knows if this is a first miscarriage or one of several. Again, it is assuming a story that is ultimately hurtful in this situation. Such is true, too, when it comes to the death of a spouse/significant other when young, To that person, they’ve lost the love of their life. The last thing they’re thinking about is finding love again.
It’s been a year; shouldn’t you be over it by now? —- As I mentioned previously, time does nothing but pass. Whether the loss occurred one or ten years ago, there’s no standard of time by which someone will grieve. March 31st will mark thirty-three years my dad has been gone. The sadness still exists. My children don’t know their grandfather. And, I haven’t had my dad to call on Father’s Day all these years. However, unlike many years prior, today, when I think of my dad, I think about him as my angel. And, I’m no longer emotionally weighed down or feel blame in my heart for how losing him changed my life. Grief Recovery gave me the process and knowledge I needed to process that loss (and every other relationship that has been emotionally incomplete).
These are some of the most common examples of unhelpful and hurtful things we say (as grievers ourselves) to other grievers. I am expressing that these are hurtful/harmful things grievers say to other grievers because I believe we all grieve at 100%. We all grieve something or someone. You may not feel you are a griever, but eventually, you will have another loss that brings all the losses before to the surface.
So, what should you say instead? If you find yourself in a position where you’re tempted to say one of the things above, instead, simply ask how you can help or support them, offer a hug, or, express how you’re there for them whenever they need. It need not be complicated or wordy – these are one of those instances where sometimes, less is truly more.
P.S. In case you missed it, this is my birthday week! This week only, receive $41 off the One-on-One, 7-week grief recovery program, and 60-minute Distant/In-Person Reiki sessions are $41. Reiki sessions and One-on-One spots are limited, and this promotion only goes through this Sunday! Purchase Reiki sessions now, use them later! Reserve a One-on-One spot now; coordinate with me for a time that works best for you! Do you have any questions? Email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com. xx
Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources, Spirituality |
There is one thing we can do, that can be challenging to find (especially working parents), but is always available to us if we make it a priority – silence.
If we consider how much time we spend watching television, on our phones, or listening to and taking in other media (podcasts, audiobooks, or music) – we can likely find ten minutes to find some silence.
Silence is one of my favorite things. During the day, if I’m working from home, I rarely have the television on, and, if I have music, it’s music for concentration.
We don’t need to practice meditation to discover solutions to our most pressing problems (although it is beneficial for that). We don’t need to ask every other person in our life for advice. All we need to do is get quiet, silently ask ourselves what our hut (heart + gut) is trying to tell us, and bring awareness to how our bodies respond to the situation at hand that is keeping us stuck.
This concept may sound simplistic, but I feel like I complicated making decisions for much of my life. I struggled with making the wrong decision; thereby, indecision became the natural thing to do. The one thing that changed was I started getting intentionally quiet and started asking myself better questions – digging more deeply into my heart to find the answers.
So, how do we tap into our inner-knowing (our hut)?
There are many resources out there and various ways of tapping into our hearts. Tapping (no pun intended), for example, is one way. Journaling is another way to free-write your way to answers to your most pressing questions. There are lots of journal options out there with journal prompts, if free-writing isn’t your thing. You could also check out the app, Jour: Journal for Mindfulness, if digitally, at your fingertips is a preference.
The main point is to ask, get quiet, and allow what comes to you, being open to receiving guidance from your inner-knowing.
Does this all sound woo-woo to you? Before 2014, I would’ve probably blown this off. But, I was also very disconnected from my heart, too. There is so much wisdom within us that we rarely (if ever) need to look to outside sources. Sure, an in-depth conversation with a friend can spark a thought, idea, or solution. But, nothing replaces connecting to our own heart. That is where our truth is – and no one knows that better than we do ourselves.
Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness |
When was the last time you reflected on all the good you bring to the lives of others?
When was the last time you patted yourself on the back for getting the kids through another day unscathed, fed, and nurtured?
When was the last time you wrote down all of the things you have accomplished in your life? And, even though you may be thinking there isn’t much to write, I challenge you to consider all the things that don’t necessarily equal monetary gain or accolades. Did you take the initiative to deepen a relationship with a friend or a loved one, perhaps?
2019 has been a year of self-growth and evolution for me. I experienced big shifts that greatly opened up my heart to possibility, my intuition, and experiences that have collectively aided in so much personal growth. I feel as though 2019 was the year a foundation has been laid for a fantastic 2020 ahead.
I want you, too, to experience significant shifts within you. But, we often don’t allow ourselves to think too far ahead and, also, find it challenging to live in the present when we are feeling bogged down by the past. What feels more accurate for you; your past feels like a ball and chain? Or, it feels like a backpack of rocks or a huge boulder you’re carrying?
Regardless of how your past is feeling today, how can you begin to lighten that load? I bet you’re not sure where to start, huh? I know – I’ve been there – and was for many, many years.
2020 can be, no – it will be a fantastic year for you – if you choose it to be so, regardless of your circumstances. Yes, you are that powerful. You can transcend, flip your story around, and elevate your life experience – you absolutely do.
One Step Forward to 2020
Start with the belief that it’s possible. Then, instead of looking at the past and feeling shame, anger, or sadness, find and pick out the parts of you that shined in 2019. Go back to the initial questions above.
Sometimes, our shadow-side feels so much bigger than our light. It’s not who you are – it’s how you treat people. It’s not what you say – it’s what you do. And, I know, if you’re reading this, you’ve done some pretty great things in 2019.
Today, take a moment to celebrate you. I celebrate you. Consider the joy you bring to your dear ones. The humor you may bring to a conversation. The listening ear you give to a friend in need. Or, perhaps it’s merely consciously choosing to be kind to others.
I have a sneaking suspicion that you may not even see your potential. I bet, too, that you learned in childhood that celebrating your wins was anything but humble, and you shouldn’t boast too loudly. Or, that love is won by making someone else proud/happy/insert your word.
Grab a paper and pen and do yourself a favor and celebrate you today – all the things you consider a win that spans your lifetime.
Include all the ways you’ve impacted the lives of others.
When life feels like it’s closing in and it’s feeling a little dark, we must never give up on searching for our own light.
Pain: Both a history teacher and a fortune teller.
What story do you want to tell about yourself next year – or in the next decade?
P.S. Love this post? Share it! And hit “reply” to share what you’re celebrating about YOU! I’d love to hear your stories! xx
P.P.S. Tomorrow, 12/7 at Luminate Studios in Bismarck, ND from 3-4:30, me and two other fab gals are giving a workshop on stress & grief during the holidays. Get your tickets HERE!
P.P.P.S. This Sunday, 12/8, from 2-7 PM, you can find me in Strasburg, ND at Mitch’s Blue Room, where I’ll have a booth set up for a Holiday Vendor Show. I will be offering a very special promotion on all of the group and 1-on-1 programs that day only! So, stop by and see me! If you’re not in the area or able to attend but want to reserve your spot at special pricing, contact me via email at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com that day between 2-7 PM! I will also have my Young Living Essential Oils there as well.
P.P.P.P.S. One final note: I created a “Resources” page that now has all of the FREE Ebooks under one tab. Enter your details for immediate download. Grab one or grab them all – no problem! I will be adding more info under “Resources” as well – stay tuned!
Childhood Grief, Death/Dying, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips |
You Are Never the Only One
When the world moves on and you feel forgotten – you are never the only one.
The meals dropped off, the condolences sent – you are never the only one.
Time ticks by, the food has gone rotten – you are never the only one.
No more check-ins, no more how do you do’s, and even the dog is lonesome for you – you are never the only one.
When showering takes work, and self-care feels like a luxury – you are never the only one.
How did it get this way? Who was I before all this? I don’t even know anymore.
Why do you look at me that way? Why do you say the things you do? What are you trying to prove?
Some people just can’t leave well enough alone and yet, I wish they’d know what to do.
This heart of mine is shattered. The tears all but washed me away. But I hang on another day because there’s still a glimmer of hope within me that’s not yet dead today.
So many times I sat there, the same kitchen table, the same cigarettes. The same drink in the bottle and the same voice in my head.
But here you are, sitting with me. I had forgotten about you – it’s been so long.
“Why did you abandon me? Why did you leave me alone?”
“I never did,” – a reply.
“Then why do I feel so alone?”
“I watched you grow up, carrying your wounds and your swords. Keeping everyone at arm’s length and too ashamed to go home. Keeping your armor on tight and your heart bound and closed.”
All of those years you watched me and you never said a word. I was screaming inside and you did nothing when everything felt a blur.
What do you mean? I’ve always been with you. I’ve just been waiting to be heard.
– A random grief-riff by me on this day. Even when you feel alone, you’re never the only one. Your inner-child is waiting to be heard and there’s always a friend who’s grieving, too. –
Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Spirituality |
Do you know how kids tend to have no filters? Well, maybe it’s about time we adults remove the filters we have around our grief.
Notice how I didn’t say feelings? Yes, all emotions are valid and have value; however, the one I am most concerned about is the feeling of grief. I mean, I am the grief lady, after all! Lol!
In all seriousness, though, this phrase has almost felt like a mantra for me this week. Such as, when I felt myself cower and shrivel a little when I felt my values and integrity were being challenged. Respectfully, I stated my case, stuck to my values, and slept well that night.
Or, in conversation with my accountability group that consists of a beautiful, supportive group of women from all walks of life. This theme popped up for me again as women shared how particular challenges were arising and causing them feelings of grief. Although grief was not the word used, grief is what we feel of relationships that we wish would be/had been different, better, or more.
Also, the courage the women in my current 8-week grief recovery, showed when they shared the truth of their sorrow and pain.
Speak your truth, to me, is not some modern, new personal-development phrase to throw around. When I say it to someone else or when you say it to someone and ask the other person to share their truth with you, you must mean it. Because what is shared back is their truth. And, if you’re not a heart with ears, prepared to hear it, and know what to do with what’s said, then please don’t ask them to share it. And, when someone does speak their truth, thank them for sharing – that’s all you need to do. Don’t analyze, criticize, judge, and by all means, do not compare your story to theirs. Honor their truth with a thank you for sharing and ask if they accept hugs. Hugs are good for the soul; they release the good chemicals in the brain, as do tears. Allow those healing droplets to flow.
Care to speak your truth and need a heart with ears? Speak your truth in recorded audio and email it to me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com. This idea isn’t a challenge or anything, and neither the audio nor the email address attached to it will be used in any other way. Sometimes, we need to give our truth a voice and need someone to hear it – and nothing else. If this applies to you, I’m all ears.
P.S. I shared in this social post that I would share what’s next for me this next year in this week’s blog post. Between the time of that social share and sitting down to write this week’s blog post, I felt this topic was what I needed to write, rather than a reflection-of-the-year post that I thought I would write. At any rate, know that I will share a blog post probably next month, I think, where I will do a recap of the year and what I see for 2020. We will soon enter an entirely new decade – are you ready for it? I personally can’t wait! xx
