Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Resources |
How To Support a Grieving Friend
Grief can be an incredibly overwhelming and lonely time. So, when someone you care for loses a loved one, they need your care and support more than ever.
There are many ways to show care and support for someone during times of grief. It can be hard to know what to say, and the fear of saying something wrong can sometimes keep you from being there when they need you most. You can help someone who is grieving by being compassionate, open, and willing to help; your presence alone shows your support.
Here are a few things to keep in mind.
Checking In
Make an effort to check in, even if it’s just a quick phone call or an invitation to grab coffee. You may be surprised by how much your check-ins can mean to a grieving friend. It can be a great comfort to even speak about things like headstones, funeral arrangements, and old memories in the early days after a loss. These conversations can spark ideas for how the friend wants to honor their loved one’s life. Obviously, they would rather their loved one be with them in the flesh, but talking these things out loud with a supportive friend can ease the burden of making so many decisions. You may ask, “How would your loved one love to be celebrated?” For some, their loved ones have already expressed what they would like, or may have even made their own arrangements.
Regardless, checking in and being prepared to sit with them is kind to do when you’re unsure what to do.
Listen More And Talk Less
When you are with someone who is grieving, it can be hard to know what to say. You will naturally try to make your friend feel better. However, in a situation such as grief, talking excessively doesn’t help, and it can actually do more harm than good.
Instead, pay attention to how much you talk compared to how much you listen. Your friend will feel more benefit from talking about their feelings. Be there to listen to their thoughts and feelings, showing compassion for what they are feeling.
Deep, active listening is a skill. If you find yourself wandering off and lose track of where the person was in their sharing, be honest about it. Apologize for not being fully present in that moment. It’s not rude to ask them to repeat what they shared, but it is rude to pretend like you’re listening when you’re not. This is why I shared above: if you ask how they’re doing, be prepared to sit with them and genuinely care to know the answer.
Tip: If you are struggling to listen, it can help to focus consciously on each word coming out of their mouth.
Allow Them To Cry
One of the most important areas of the grieving process is showing deep sadness and allowing yourself to cry. Letting your friend cry shows them you understand that crying is a necessary part of the grieving process.
You may feel the urge to cheer your friend up or tell them to stop crying, but remember it is all part of healing. Think of their tears as a healthy part of the grieving process.
Tears from crying for long periods release oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals can help ease both physical and emotional pain. Crying is a good thing!
One of the earliest messages we receive as children is that crying isn’t okay. Children may be called “cry babies” or sent to their room to cry. This idea, that crying is a sign of weakness, is also very prevalent in our society.
When we are born, we know how to grieve. Think about that. Very young children express every emotion unapologetically. However, adults influence this shift, making crying and not being okay seem wrong. Or even showing anger as not being okay. Anger is a valid emotion, too.
Tip: One of the many things I learned in my training in grief recovery is never to hand someone who is crying a tissue unless they ask, of course. If someone is releasing emotions through crying, handing them a tissue at that moment will stop them in their tracks. It’s a gesture as if to say: “stop crying.”
Ask Questions If You Need To
People often hesitate to ask questions of a grieving friend. They worry about upsetting them or saying the wrong thing. You shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions if you need to. It helps your friend talk openly about their loved one.
You aren’t limited to asking about the past, though; you should also ask about their well-being. Check in on their self-care, sleep, and whether they are eating well. Explore how they’re feeling emotionally, and listen with care and compassion. You’re not there to fix anything. You can’t take away their pain. However, your presence can make a massive difference.
Tip: Grievers often don’t know what they need. They’re overwhelmed with emotion. What they need can change from day to day, too. So, you could ask: “What would help make today a better day than yesterday?”
Offer Practical Help
Sometimes grief can make you neglect your basic needs. Practical help can be more useful than anything else when it comes to grief. Some of the tasks you could help with include:
Cleaning their house
Cooking meals and batch cooking
Running general errands
Helping with childcare
Managing or coordinating bills
Helping with laundry
Walking the dogs
Food shopping
Yard work (mowing/watering, tending to the vegetable or flower garden)
Be Ready To Sit In Silence
Grief brings in a variety of powerful emotions, and sometimes all a grieving person needs to sit in silence to regain a semblance of peace. Sitting in silence can be challenging, especially when you know your friend is struggling emotionally. Resist the urge to fill the silence. Instead, allow it and embrace it. Your presence is enough support. By being there for your friend, you show them your support and love, even if you sit in silence and don’t say a word. If they are at home, they may feel supported enough to rest. Your presence alone may be more therapeutic than you know.
Tip: Sitting in silence with someone isn’t the most natural thing to do. And it may even feel awkward. But you could ask your friend: “Hey, how would you feel if I came over, made us some tea, and we just sat on the porch and listened to the birds?” Or, depending on the time of year, maybe watch a funny movie.
Make Sure You Remember Important Dates
Anniversaries, birthdays, and others can all be a painful reminder of your friend’s loss every year. If you can, remember all the important dates, including the date of their loss. They may need help and extra support when grief symptoms kick in. Reach out to your friend and let them know you’re thinking of them.
After a loss, people usually mean well when it comes to staying in touch. Busy lives can keep them from following through. Staying in touch can really help. Above all else, remember you can’t fix their pain but can help to ease it and allow them to work through grief.
Tip: Set a yearly reminder on your phone for special days so you can reach out with a card, a phone call, or a special text. You can take it one step further and ask if something special they had in mind of doing on that special day – or would like to do.
Is there anything else that could help? Please share them in the comments below.
P.S. If you’ve never listened to my podcast, Grieving Voices, every guest shares their experience and wisdom around grief. Every guest offers wonderful insight into how to support others who are grieving.
A go-to resource is available to help you help others.
Click the image below to check it out.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Personal, Pespective |
Despite how you may be feeling right now, at this moment, you are not crazy.
This post is dedicated to all of those who are feeling like they’re either going crazy or those who feel like, “Yup, already there yesterday.”
What’s happened lately in your world?
What has happened directly to you?
What’s been impacting you lately?
What happened to you 2, 12, 20 years ago?
You Are Not Crazy
Grief is the crazy pot-stirrer. The ruffler of feathers. The sleeping giant that wakes up, sometimes after 30 years.
And, in its wake, it’s also the great clarifier.
I felt like I was going crazy at my worst. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, disregarded basic self-care, doctored for unexplained symptoms, dropped weight, started losing my hair, sought knowledge everywhere else but within myself (out of fear of what I would discover), and was part of the wine-mom culture before it was a “thing” (which is doing more harm than good, btw) and quit before that was a “thing,” too, in Nov. 2019.
Do you know someone who seems to be struggling and find yourself judging that person?
I bet you’ve struggled a time or two as well. Perhaps, you, too, secretly feel crazy, but ya know…sometimes there’s this persona we grip onto so strongly that no amount of staring in the mirror can even crack. We refuse to see what we don’t want to see.
We can drag a person to the mirror, but if they refuse to open their eyes, what do you do?
The only reflection that matters is the one you see when you open your eyes. And, if you’re living out of integrity, you won’t be so inclined to look at yourself very long, if at all.
I know a beautiful soul in the online, entrepreneurial world who recently sported a shirt that read: Make Empathy Great Again. I need a shirt like that in my life. That is a mission I firmly get behind. Empathy just so happens to be my number one strength, too. So, of course, it’s a mission I would get behind. #missionempathy Let’s get that trending, shall we?
What are you refusing to see?
Your own pain and suffering?
The pain and suffering of someone else because of what it brings up for you?
As you move through your life the next few days, think about how you can make empathy great again in your world.
People don’t ask for grief; it finds us. Always. No one can escape it. Sometimes, yes, it is self-inflicted; however, I believe this is mostly because of shame, which creates a divide between where we are and where we desire to be (emotionally and spiritually). Empathy is a bridge.
And, if you’re unsure how to build that bridge, you don’t have to try to build it alone. I’m a message away.
In the meantime, please put your head on your pillow tonight, knowing that you are not crazy. What you are feeling is normal and natural. If only someone would have told me that way back then, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so alone for as long as I did. More importantly, had I known then what I know now about grief, I would have believed it for myself.
Sending you love + light this Friday and beyond. 💛
P.S. In the context of using the word “crazy,” it’s not a response of fear, meanness, disregard toward, or a belief that I have about mental illness. Quite the contrary, it is how I described myself as I was going through postpartum depression and a mid-life unraveling in grief, which was something I was in total denial about, therefore, did not talk about at the time. I did what a good portion of people do – grieve alone. And, that’s the problem. When we’re deep in the weeds of feeling “crazy,” we don’t speak up out of fear of actually having that affirmed to be true. It’s a paradox, and until we can freely and openly talk about our suffering without criticism, analysis, or judgment, all of the political correctness in the world won’t change a darn thing, in my opinion. Be the empathy you wish to see in the world.
Educational, Grief Tips, Growth, Pespective |
Today, I want to share my thoughts that have been swirling around intention, impact, and grief and how they’re intertwined.
I’ve been thinking a lot about a phrase that came up during training I recently participated in. It was “Understand the difference between intention and impact.” I knew I wanted to write about it but wasn’t sure how I would approach it, given the context in which the phrase was used in the class and that I’ve since seen online. If you haven’t heard this, it’s a phrase typically shared when conversations involve QBIPOC (Queer, Black, Indigenous, People of Color).
As a white woman in the midwest, “Who gives a rip what I think?” could’ve been my stance, and said the heck with it, and completely decide not to address it. However, I will present this with my thoughts (and opinions) while wearing my Adv. Cert. Grief Recovery Specialist hat on, offering my thoughts on what I see happening from my empathetic perspective.
Intention
According to the dictionary, intention is a thing intended, an aim or plan. Interestingly, it’s also the healing process of a wound (which makes me think about Reiki, which is all about intentional healing).
Wikipedia says intention is a mental state representing a commitment to carrying out an action or actions in the future. Intention involves mental activities such as planning and forethought.
Impact
The dictionary defines impact as the action of one object coming forcibly into contact with another. As a verb, it is to have a strong effect on someone or something.
The importance of understanding the difference between intention and impact is an idea that could apply to all sorts of scenarios, including grief. And, when it comes to the situations and issues QBIPOC faces, which I won’t even pretend I know, I imagine that grief has a strong presence in their lives.
Grief doesn’t care about how you identify yourself, the color of your skin, where you grew up, or about your ancestry.
GRIEF DOES NOT CARE
Let’s strip down the many issues in society today down to one word – GRIEF, and address that – with compassion and individual action.
Regardless of where, when, or how it originated, your grief is important because it is yours. But, your grief is not like my grief, just as your grief is going to be different than every other person, regardless of how similar the experience.
Collectively, there is a lot of grief. However, again, it’s important to reiterate that grief is individual.
And, no matter where, why, or how it originated, there is only one person who can do the inner-work – you.
How we raise the collective vibration of this world, elevate our lives, and harness our pain is for each person to sweep their own doorstep individually.
No amount of rallying around me, no amount of pat on the backs, or offers of help or understanding was going to change my situation without me doing my part. The cyclical patterns and behaviors I repeated for over thirty years did not change until I DECIDED to do something about what was happening and what I was feeling.
Do I understand that there is a privilege in writing this as a white woman living in the midwest? Absolutely. If you’re reading this on your smartphone or computer, you, too, have privilege. Privilege exists across all races, social classes, and even between males and females.
Intention versus Impact and Grief
So, let’s get back to this idea of intention versus impact as it relates to grief (which is individual, remember) and all of the issues we face in society today.
I do not intend to offend with this blog post today. However, I may not know the impact it will have on someone reading it unless I hear from someone that specifically shares the impact it had on them. I am not a mind reader; no one is. But, there’s a level of sensitivity that I wish to honor and express. Will I get it perfect? No. Will you get it perfect? No. I intend to speak from a place of empathy, love, and compassion. Despite my beliefs or thoughts around any number of issues, I can choose to show empathy, love, and compassion, despite what I believe to be true for me.
Just as people who have never experienced grief to the extent of someone else may not know what to say, how to say it, or how to show up for that person, I can’t begin to claim to understand the personal experience of the QBIPOC community. So, there may be things I say or do that may be offensive without me realizing it because I don’t have that same personal experience. I have heard so many stories repeatedly about the absurd, hurtful, and harmful things people (of all walks of life and ethnicities and backgrounds) have said to grievers – simply not knowing any better, which is why I am so passionate about educating about grief. Again, grief does not care who you are, where you’re from, or what you look like.
Empathy plays a major role in societal issues today, too. Because not everyone has the strength of empathy, which, yes, is a strength, some people have it more than others. Because of mental illness, some people may not have it at all or little of it. It’s not an excuse for behavior, but it is a reality for many people. It’s also a reality you cannot see just by looking at someone. When it comes to sharing the message (or argument) of understanding the difference between intention and impact, it’s also important to realize that all of us are a product of our upbringing. We don’t ask for the families, beliefs, or indoctrination we’re born into. We don’t ask for our skin color either. Every human goes about this world trying to find where each fits, all the while fighting individual internal demons and internal struggles. Not to mention ancestral grief passed down, stacked on top of all of the grief we accumulate over our lifetime as well.
Considering that in a study conducted in 2017 that states 792 million people worldwide (or slightly more than one in ten) live with a mental health disorder, screaming to the masses about intention versus impact isn’t ever going to solve anything. Also, there’s fascinating research on the brain that describes how, as newborns, our brains develop based on our environment. I recently listened to this podcast episode where Lisa Feldman Barrett, who is in the top one percent of most-cited scientists globally for her revolutionary research in psychology and neuroscience, shares more facts and fiction about the brain. I couldn’t help but think about how misunderstood so many people probably feel in our world due to our own internal wiring.
All of this being said, every one of us can treat everyone we meet with compassion. I can write from a place of compassion in my heart. You could look at someone and see them as a child, asking yourself how you would speak to that person if they were a child standing before you?
What if, instead of seeing how we’re different, we’d instead see each other as grievers and children who are products of our upbringing. And show and give compassion. Be open to hearing the stories of each other. Be open to learning and teaching from personal experiences rather than those of a group. And be open to connection.
Grief Is a Catalyst For Disconnection
The crux of connection? It’s tough to develop a connection to others as long as we’re disconnected from ourselves.
Do you feel like you’re going crazy?
Do you feel like a foreigner in your own body?
Do you feel uncomfortable in your own skin?
If you answered yes to these questions, you’re likely experiencing grief.
How, then, can you ever see others with compassion and be fully present in your own life if your own pain consumes you?
Many issues in our society today could be solved if each of us put the intention of healing into our own hearts and worried less about whatever everyone else is doing or saying.
When you have a broken bone, you don’t hesitate to go to the doctor. Regardless of the cost, you see a doctor who can help you heal your broken bone. When you have a tooth that is causing you so much pain you can’t sleep at night, you go to the dentist to rid yourself of the relentless pain. Why, then, would you not honor the pain in your heart the same way? A pill is not going to rid your heart of its emotional pain any more than if I gave you a Tylenol when you should have a root canal. The Tylenol may numb some of the pain, but it’s only a band-aid solution.
And, this is where grief recovery is different. It’s not a band-aid solution. Grief recovery gets to the root of the emotional pain. Grief recovery ends the daily suffering. Does it end the sadness when you think of the person? No. But, sadness, because you loved and lost, is a much different life experience than feeling the physical and psychological torture and suffering because of the loss. See the difference? This is also no different if the relationship was less than loving and whether they are dead or still living. We experience grief at 100%, too, when it was a toxic, harmful relationship. As a result, a griever can feel a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations and things they wish would’ve been different, better, or more for the relationship.
You’re already suffering; you may as well suffer while moving your feet and taking action toward healing.
If you believe that “we are one,” then look in the mirror, friend. What impacts one impacts all.
Grief Is a Ripple Creator, So Is Healing
Rising tides lift all boats.
Focus on raising your tide and watch the ripples of that in your life.
Find a way. It’s up to you.
And find support. It’s your individual choice to ask for help.
But, this notion that people need to understand the difference between intention and impact, “get woke,” or any other buzzphrase catching fire these days, is somewhat of a moot point if, all the while, people aren’t sweeping their own doorstep. In fact, I would argue that all of the outward screamings to the masses is an outcry of inner turmoil, a projecting of inner pain, and a whole lot of generational, ancestral, and personal grief imploding and exploding.
And, addressing all of that? Well, that’s an inside job.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll repeat it: GRIEF IS OUR PANDEMIC. It always has been and forever will be until we become “woke” to that fact as individuals.
What is the impact of this post on your heart today? Did it stir up some emotions? I imagine it likely did.
The impact I hope to have and share is this: You have so much power within you to change the trajectory of your life, regardless of your circumstances and upbringing. People do not rise above their circumstances by accepting what was and what is. I have interviewed people from all walks of life and backgrounds for my podcast who have created a life of joy and are thriving, despite their upbringing, gender, geographic location, sexual preference, skin color, or grief they’ve experienced in their lives. Incredible humans have crossed my path, which took their life experience in their hands and took action in some way – to heal themselves – not their neighbor, best friend, spouse/significant other, brother, sister, parent, etc. – they addressed their own heart. And, if you need more examples (and does of inspiration) of people doing this from the direst of circumstances, head to a library to read books written by countless more who have done the same.
The impact you choose to have in your life is in your hands—no one else’s. Likewise, the grief you have in your life is yours alone to heal. And, when you’re ready to do that, I’m here for you.
I continue to do my own inner work, too. We are meant to evolve and grow. As one of my guests shared on the podcast recently: “When you lay, you decay.”
How about we work to, individually, create impact, with intentional healing, in our own lives. That’s when, I believe, we’ll start to see ripples of change.
Sending you love and light today.
P.S. Are you interested in hearing more on the topic of the ripples of grief and healing? I released a solo podcast episode on this topic in early March. And, if you want to hear grief described and defined in a way you’ve never heard it before (if you’re new here), then check out the other episode below, too.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Personal, Pespective |
March was a chaotic and somewhat emotionally heavy month for me. I know I wasn’t alone, as several others I had spoken to throughout the month expressed their own version of chaos and emotional heaviness. Although we often create our own suffering, don’t we?
We procrastinate on having the tough conversations we know we need to have. All the while; stewing, brewing, and ruminating.
We don’t share our needs and then get upset when our unknown needs aren’t being met.
We don’t have boundaries but then get angry when we’re taken advantage of or taken for granted.
One of the best quotes I’ve heard in a long time was this:
The more you know yourself, the less likely you’ll look to others to tell you who you are. – Kristin Sherry
A part of knowing ourselves is having an awareness of our strengths, values, and how we’re wired. When we know these things about ourselves, and out of respect for ourselves, communicate from this inner-knowing, we can look at others and consider that they, too, have differing strengths, values, and are wired differently.
This week was another death-versary of my dad being gone, and this one felt a little heavier than usual. Perhaps it was the End-of-Life Doula training I recently finished or, the conversations I’ve been having for the podcast. Either way, “stuff” came up for me this week that I didn’t expect.
I journaled about what I was feeling and here is an excerpt:
…The past two years have been the most incredible period of growth for me. Had I not sought to sweep my own doorstep, I would have never realized my potential of being a healer and lightworker that is here to serve and be a beacon of hope. I would have continued to blame, point fingers, or be a victim. None of these behaviors woud have moved me forward. It is as if I had been driving my car of life while looking in the rearview mirror. What is done is done. I can’t change it. I can’t changed all that I’ve experienced since my dad died. It is what it is. But, I’m so glad I got tired of telling myself the lie that suffering was my destiny.
We live into the stories we tell ourselves. We fulfill our own prophecies if we believe them. If you come from a poor family and believe your life is one of being poor, you will live into that self-proclaimed prophecy of living a poor life. And, I don’t just mean monetarily. We fulfill our own prophecies of being poor in health, physical appearance, qualify (and quantity) of relationships, etc..
And, grief is the one thing we can rightfully blame. There is a lot of loss represented by the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations, and anything we wish would’ve been (or could be) different, better, or more. Add in and end of, or change, in familiar patterns of behavior and, that’s grief, too!
Grief makes us feel like we don’t have a choice. But, we do.
So this week, I looked at my sadness, wrote about it, listened to some inspiring podcasts, and realized something…
the compassion I so readily give to others, I needed to give to myself.
And, after asking myself what would I say to a friend, I decided to take the day to do some things that bring me joy or lift my mood. I went on the treadmill, while listening to an inspiring podcast episode, took an extra-long shower, enjoyed a cup of tea and looked out the window (just BE-ing present), played with my pooch, Gizmo, and made a heartfelt, end of the first quarter donation, to the Fisher House for ND veterans and their families. My dad, a Vietnam vet, received his healthcare at the Fargo, ND VA Hospital after his colon cancer diagnosis. We could not be there as a family, as a place like the Fisher House did not exist. I’m so glad to see there will be a place for a family to be together.
What is the one question to ask yourself when you’re suffering?
What would I say to my friend?
More often than not, the helpers of this world have the hardest time giving to themselves what is given to others so readily – compassion.
Give yourself compassion; speak to and treat yourself kindly.
As an empathic, compassionate person (compassion is also one of my top ten values), I need to remain mindful of when the compassion scale is tipping too heavily in one direction. This is so often why those in the helper, service-based roles (therapists, doctors, nurses, counselors, healers, etc.) often burnout. We want to serve and help, but the person we often forget to serve first is ourselves. There is a reason why, during my grief recovery training, there is specific education around what is known as “compassion fatigue.”
March was my lesson in compassion fatigue. I really had to assess my schedule and look at where I needed to step on the breaks. So, I created more breathing room at the end of March, and then the death-versary came, and so did fatigue out of seemingly nowhere. The body is always speaking to us, my friend.
I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a new month, a new quarter, and I’m looking forward to implementing some of the things the first quarter taught me this year. I’m also looking forward to sharing what I learned about end-of-life and through YouMap®.
I will be incorporating YouMap® into my grief recovery one-on-one program. This will entail an increase in pricing to reflect additional sessions and knowledge/information that will be added, however, it will only make the grief recovery experience that much richer. You will know why you’re grieving the way you grieve, recognize trouble areas, and gain a greater understanding of how others in the same household are grieving differently (which doesn’t make them wrong). Knowing your YouMap® will also help you to see exactly where your pain points are, and together, we’ll work toward a solution after grief recovery in an additional session. It’s one thing to receive an assessment of your strengths, values, skills, and how you’re wired, but what I love most is, you learn what to do with the information; something every other assessment out there doesn’t address. And believe, me, I’ve taken a lot of them.
I’d like to close with a journal entry from this week:
If we’re traumatized in childhood, we grow to be traumatized (reactive) adults who often become people-pleasers. We become adults who lack self-confidence, self-worth, and inner-peace.
The past two years have been learning how to navigate these things and find inner-peace about what cannot be changed. And rather, bless the past, and continue to evolve and grow – use it for good in my life. Because, the only constant is change.
I want to share with others what I’ve learned and walk with them in their suffering. However, always with the intention of lighting the path forward when all feels lost. Taking the last bit of hope that a hurting heart has been white-knuckling and using it to UNLEASH their heart of the darkness of their pain and into the light of what’s possible.
And, to never forget – when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life.
Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Growth, Personal, Pespective |
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. — Haruki Murakami
You’ve probably seen that quote before. Maybe you scrolled past it on Pinterest, or someone texted it to you during a hard season. And maybe — like I used to — you read it and thought, “That’s easy for you to say.”
I get it. When you’re in the middle of grief, loss, or heartbreak, the idea that suffering is optional can feel like a slap in the face. Like someone is telling you to just… choose better, choose differently; as if it’s that simple.
But here’s what I’ve come to understand — and what I want to offer you today — because it changed everything for me:
Pain and suffering are not the same thing. And that distinction might be the most important thing you learn on your healing journey.
Pain Is Part of Being Human
No one escapes it. Not one of us.
We lose people we love. We lose relationships, jobs, identities, and versions of ourselves we thought we’d always be. We lose the futures we planned and the expectations we quietly carried for years. In grief recovery, we describe grief as the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations — anything we wish would have been different, better, or more.
That’s a wide net. And most of us are caught in it far more than we realize.
We are taught how to acquire — how to build relationships, earn degrees, grow careers, and start families. But no one teaches us what to do when those things are taken from us, or when they don’t turn out the way we imagined. That gap? That’s where so much of our pain lives.
Pain is real. Pain is valid. Pain is not the problem.
Suffering Is What Happens When We Fight the Pain
Here’s where it gets honest — and maybe a little uncomfortable.
Suffering occurs when we resist what is. When we attach ourselves to what should have been, what could have been, what we wish were different. Suffering lives in the loop of the story we keep replaying.
Let me give you an example I use with clients all the time:
Imagine we’re sitting together, having a conversation, and out of nowhere, I kick you in the shin. Ouch, right? That’s pain. Real, immediate, undeniable.
Now imagine two weeks later, you’re lying in bed at night, and your mind drifts back to that moment. You start replaying it. Why did she do that? What was her problem? I can’t believe she did that to me. The more you think about it, the angrier you get. The more it hurts. The more it consumes you.
Here’s the truth: I’m not there anymore. But you’re still letting me kick you.
That’s suffering. And it’s self-inflicted — not because you’re weak or broken, but because no one ever taught you there was another way.
Rumination Is the Silent Thief of Your Present Life
This is one of the most talked-about struggles in the grief and mental health space right now — and for good reason.
Rumination — the act of replaying painful events, conversations, or losses over and over — is one of the leading contributors to anxiety, depression, and prolonged grief. It’s not the event itself that causes the most damage. It’s the story we keep telling ourselves about it.
And I’ll be the first to raise my hand and say: “I’ve been there, done that, too.”
In the past, I have found myself in a spiral — unable to focus, emotionally all over the place, replaying a situation I had zero control over. Loss of productivity. Emotional exhaustion. That low-grade hum of unease that follows you into every room. Sound familiar?
That’s what unnecessary suffering looks like in real life. It doesn’t always look like falling apart. Sometimes it looks like functioning — but barely.
You Always Have a Choice. Even When It Doesn’t Feel Like It.
Grief has a way of making us feel powerless. Like we’re passengers in our own lives, just waiting for the pain to pass.
But here’s what I know to be true — and what grief recovery taught me:
Time does not heal all wounds. Time only passes.
It’s what you do within that time that matters. It’s the action you take, the awareness you build, the moment you decide to stop letting the past steal your present.
That’s not toxic positivity. That’s not “just think happy thoughts.” That’s the hard, honest work of choosing differently — even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when part of you wants to keep stewing, because at least that feels like you’re *doing something.*
Choosing to release the suffering doesn’t mean the pain didn’t matter. It doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It means you are no longer willing to let it cost you your now.
🎙️ Listen to This Episode of Grieving Voices
If “time heals all wounds” is a phrase you’ve been holding onto — or one that’s been said to you — I want you to hear this episode.
Grieving Voices | Episode 4: The 6 Myths of Grief
“Time heals all wounds” is just one of six myths that society has handed us about grief — and honestly, it might be the most damaging one. In this episode, I walk through all six myths that have been passed down from generation to generation, why they don’t work, and what to do instead.
Because here’s the thing: if time alone healed grief, we wouldn’t still be carrying losses from years — or even decades — ago. It is never about the time. It is always about the action you take within it.
What Does Choosing Differently Actually Look Like?
It starts with awareness. Noticing when you’ve slipped into the loop. Catching yourself mid-rumination and asking:
- Is this thought serving me, or am I just rehearsing my pain?
- Am I processing this, or am I just replaying it?
- What would it feel like to set this down — just for today?
It means feeling your emotions fully — not stuffing them, not distracting yourself, not pretending everything is fine. Grief asks to be felt. But there is a difference between feeling and feeding—between honoring your emotions and drowning in them indefinitely.
And it means taking action. Because healing is not passive. It doesn’t happen to you. It is something you choose—again and again, on the hard days and the okay ones.
Here’s What I Want You to Walk Away With
At the end of your life, will you look back at what’s consuming you right now and wish you had suffered over it longer?
I’m asking myself that same question today.
The answer is always no.
The pain you’ve carried is real. Your grief is real. Your losses — every single one of them — deserve to be honored. But your *life* deserves to be lived. You can’t fully live in the present when you are anchored to the past.
You are not your suffering. And you don’t have to keep choosing it.
If you’re ready to stop replaying the story and start writing a new one, I’d love to walk that path with you.
Struggling with grief that feels like it’s running your life? I’m here to learn how I can support you, match you with one of my offerings, or connect you with other resources.
Death/Dying, Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Resources |
A Griever’s Goodbye
Saying goodbye can be one of the most important parts of the grieving process. Many people want to ensure that the way they say goodbye is as true to the loved one they are grieving as possible. This is usually done through funeral and memorial preparations. However, so many people around the world today are finding their traditions being squashed due to Covid-19. Many plans that were perhaps made in the family member’s preparation who planned their funeral ahead of time or by the bereaved in advance had to be changed.
Much like grief, Covid-19 has left many people feeling like they don’t have a choice. And, that has been the case – many haven’t been given a choice as to how they bury a loved one and celebrate a departed loved one’s life. Saying goodbye to a loved one making their transition has had to change during these times. The last connection that could have otherwise happened isn’t possible. Or, in the case of a grief recovery client of mine, they couldn’t even see their loved one before they were cremated because their loved one was Covid-positive. I don’t know if this is still the case now, but for this client, that left a void in the grief that only one last look could have soothed. It’s not as if seeing their loved one would have taken their sorrow away. Rather emotionally, it does something for the heart. It’s that one last look; an opportunity to say out loud, even if their loved one isn’t hearing them in the physical sense, but spiritually, too, it’s a soothing balm to a grievers heart.
Seeing a loved one’s physical body before burial, although painful, can soothe the grieving heart. And, you may not realize this until you’re not allowed to do so. Anything less than compounds the abruptness of the loss (even if you have time to prepare yourself like a terminal illness). This abruptness also adds to the conflicting feelings. In effect, it feels like there’s an incompleteness of the experience of the burial itself, which only adds to the already conflicting feelings grief brings.
How do we make the most of horrible situations such as these?
I don’t have all of the answers. Nobody does. But, if you’re able to follow the wishes of your loved one, that’s a little piece of comfort for doing your part in following a loved one’s dying wishes. Do you know what your loved one wants? Now is a good time to ask. It doesn’t have to take a loved one dying to have an open and honest conversation about what you would like for your arrangements. If you have children (this is especially important), who do you want to be in charge of their care if something happens to you or you and your spouse/significant other at the same time? Have you had that conversation with loved ones? Do you want to be cremated? Why or why not?
We’ve been accustomed to death-aversion. We’re afraid to talk about our mortality. In so doing, we’re acknowledging that we truly only have the promise of today. I recently had a conversation with a woman by the name of Anne Jacobs. You’ll want to catch her podcast episode when it goes live on May 18th, 2021. She’s been living with metastatic breast cancer for seventeen years. SEVENTEEN YEARS, friends! Talk about a rollercoaster ride of emotions. And, she’s not alone. She shared there’s a woman in her circle that’s lived with metastatic breast cancer for twenty-five years! That’s incredible! In listening to Anne, it’s as if it becomes a lifestyle. Almost like someone who becomes a vegan yogi, only it’s a daily practice of survival. I can’t even imagine. Seriously, I can’t wait to share her episode. If you want to hear a story of hope and the importance of living for today, it’s her story. So impactful!
Going back to our loved ones’ wishes, a good friend of mine shared that a loved one had put money down on a bar tab before they died because they didn’t want everyone eating food and being sad and mopey. They wanted everyone to laugh and have a good time. Granted, over a year ago, I would’ve jumped all over that idea. Still, considering I’ve given up alcohol and I have a better understanding of how we often turn to alcohol to cope with our lives or situation, that’s not high on my list like it once was. A fun idea, though! It’s more my speed that everyone plants a tree, to be honest. I love trees. I’m especially fond of streets where the trees are so old and grown that they meet high above the road and cover the street, creating this canopy of color in the fall. That’s the kind of street I’d love to live on, too. Anyway, I digress.
If the person you love has always had a strong set of environmental principles, perhaps some of these suggestions may resonate. Of course, these suggestions are likely only possible if Covid restrictions have lessened in your part of the world/country. I hope that leadership comes to understand the importance of a proper (and desired) burial for the bereaved. Much like the kids need to be in school to obtain their education, I feel that with proper measures and the quick testing available now, that funerals can happen safely – and like they used to. It’s so important in the grieving process for people who didn’t get to be there for their loved one in the healthcare facility that they at least get to be with them in the way of a proper burial and celebration of life.
In places where restrictions have lessened, here are some suggestions – including some eco-friendly ones. I kind of like the coffin turning into a tree idea (see above). 😉 Although, that may look a bit strange in a church cemetery.
Choosing an Eco-Friendly Burial
Your loved one may not have liked the idea of a traditional burial for a lot of reasons. For one, they may not approve of setting aside a piece of land solely for themselves when they’re not conscious of using it. As such, you might want to look into more eco-friendly methods of burial. For instance, woodland burial sites are available and can be used with biodegradable coffins to help return them to the earth in the truest sense. Eco-pods that turn into trees have also been growing popular in some locations.
Cremation
Another option that is even less wasteful is foregoing a burial with a traditional casket and choosing cremation instead. Until recently, I didn’t realize that viewing was an option before cremation. Loved ones can say their goodbyes with the loved one in a casket, and later, the body is cremated. Optionally, to traditional cremation practices, you can also then return the remains of your loved one to the earth with the help of options like biodegradable wood cremation urns. This way, you can end up with no waste at all or, even if it’s not biodegradable, you can make sure it is at least made with renewable materials.
Following the Departed’s Lifestyle Choices
In the few days following the death of a loved one, you may choose to host a wake or a similar gathering if it fits with the deceased’s traditions. While wakes are mostly for the living, you may choose to make sure that it fits the principles of your loved one. If they, for instance, chose not to eat meat in life due to environmental and ethical concerns, then you may want to ensure that the wake is meat-free as well. This can also go for any meals served as part of the memorial.
Help in Their Name
Grief can be many things and take many forms, but one truth you will find almost universally is that grief is a motivator. It can particularly motivate people to act in the ways that their lost loved ones would have wanted. For instance, you can take the opportunity to arrange a donation drive or even a volunteer effort towards a local environmentally-friendly cause in the name of your loved one. This can be a wonderful memorial to go alongside a relatively cost and waste-free service, making sure that any money spent will be for a good cause.
Planting a Tree
You may want to have a memorial beside a gravestone or an urn to help you remember the person you loved. If they have touched their community’s lives, it’s not uncommon to arrange for a placard or a bench to be put up in their honor. However, it may better fit an environmentally-conscious loved one’s desires and aims to plant a tree in their honor instead (this is my wish). This way, they can contribute in some small way to creating a greener world.
Asset Priorities
If you have been left as the executor of the deceased’s last wishes, first of all – bless your heart. That is not a job for the faint of heart. And, if you’ve been chosen, it’s for a good reason. Your first job may be to see that their assets go to those that they rightfully go to. You have to follow the will of the deceased, where it can be found and, where it can’t, you may have to follow the law. However, if there are no next of kin to which you can pass their belongings, you can instead make sure that it is either reused and donated or disposed of in the most environmentally conscious of ways.
It’s important to balance the departed wishes with what is feasible and sensitive to those who are saying goodbye. You can take steps to make sure you are respectful of the one you have lost, but be sure that it does not place an undue burden on yourself. Loss, no matter if you have time to prepare or you don’t, in the end, feels abrupt. One day they’re here; the next, they are not. So, even having time in advance to sort out burial wishes and wills, and so forth, doesn’t change the fact that the grief is there. However, planning offers a great reprieve and eases the burden of making some of the most difficult decisions loved ones have to make at one of the most emotionally charged moments in their life.
All of us can do our loved ones a favor and put our wishes in writing in advance. We can have open and honest conversations with our loved ones about what we want. Again, putting it in writing is the best step forward in ensuring that your wishes are met.
End-of-Life Doula Service Coming Soon!
Stay tuned for more posts like this. Next month, I will be completing an End-of-Life Doula certification. What’s an End-of-Life Doula, you ask? An end-of-life doula is a non-medical professional trained to care for a terminally ill person’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs during the death process. While you may never have heard of this position in the healthcare field, “death doulas,” as they’re often called, are a fantastic resource for those dying and their loved ones to fill the gap of hospice care. Also, given my background as an advanced certified grief recovery specialist and Reiki Master, I feel as though I can add a level of support not found anywhere else in my region. And, living in a rural area, access to services is often at the forefront of loved one’s minds. I can’t wait to offer this service to my region. Stay tuned for more on this! And, if you know you’re already interested in this service for your loved one, please reach out via the contact form.
Love + light to you if this week’s blog post feels just a bit too timely. 💛
