Educational, Grief Tips, Pespective |
Saint Valentine is a legend. I mean, consider the fact he was buried in 270 A.D. The story of Saint Valentine reads like a hero’s story. There are three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. In one legend, Saint Valentine was a priest who, after Emperor Claudius II declared single men were better soldiers than married ones, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine disagreed with this injustice and continued to marry young lovers in secret. When the secret was out, he was put to death. There was another Saint Valentine who was a bishop. He, too, was beheaded by Claudius II. There’s also another story that Valentine helped Christians escape the harsh Roman prisons. Once imprisoned himself, he fell in love with the jailor’s daughter who had visited him. Before his death, the legend is that he wrote her a letter and signed “From your Valentine.” Regardless of which of the three Saint Valentine stories or legends you believe, it doesn’t change that he became one of the most popular saints in England and France. And doesn’t change that, centuries later, the romanticism of any one of their heroism sparks the hearts of many today.
Isn’t it romantic, though, to have someone passionately fight for the injustice of others? Isn’t it romantic how all of these Saints were self-sacrificing and ultimately gave their lives for the sake of others? That’s a special kind of love. I suppose you could say it’s the love of humankind.
What has been lost on Valentine’s Day since that time? It’s become so commercialized since that time, and, to be honest, I kind of love those Valentine stories more than the love interest stories we see depicted in society today.
We all love a good hero’s journey story. There is drama, hardship, or challenge, and then the comeback storyline. The main character triumphs over their own challenges and inspires others. I love stories like these and have heard them repeatedly when conversing with guests for my podcast.
What do stories like these have to do with Valentine’s Day? People in these stories became their own heroes. They had enough love for themselves to create the changes they needed to make. What do you think happens when people turn the love to others toward themselves? And, I’m not talking ego-type love or vanity. I’m talking, life has beaten you down, you’ve had enough, and you want to become the best version of yourself, so you take action to do that. You love yourself enough to invest time, money, and resources into yourself. This is radical self-love to me.
So, this Valentine’s Day, like me, you’re not living in Roman times and aren’t facing possible beheading for being self-sacrificing for the love of humankind. But, you may be in a healthy, loving relationship. And, maybe you have the time, money, resources, or ability to give back to humankind in other ways. We have the ability to bring about what Saint Valentine (pick any of the three) made Valentine’s Day out to be – a day to be of service in the name of the love of humankind.
If you find yourself down in the dumps this Valentine’s Day, consider how good it would feel to do something to give back to humankind in a way only you can. Fill your own heart with the love you may be missing from someone else by giving to others or giving that love to yourself. You can declare this Valentine’s Day as a “Self-Love Day.” By the way, this month, I have a theme for my newsletter, and it’s all about self-love. So far, I’ve talked about the power of our breath and challenging ourselves. Curious what those topics have to do with self-love? Sign up here and, I’ll include the links to the previous editions in this coming week’s newsletter, which will be all about boundaries. 😉
What will you do this Valentine’s Day? Make it about the love of humankind or radical self-love? I’m all for both, and there’s no right or wrong. Depending on our circumstances and experiences (for example, this is your first Valentine’s Day without your spouse who died), a small act of self-love may be all you can muster. And, that’s okay. You don’t need anyone’s permission to spend this Valentine’s Day how you please. Know you’re not alone, though, and perhaps someone you know who may also be alone could use some company, too? And, I would bet Saint Valentine would smile upon you for extending your hand to another hurting heart this Valentine’s Day. ❤
P.S. Did you know? If you’ve experienced divorce or estrangement and are ready to work through that relationship, the grief recovery method isn’t just for grievers grieving someone who has died. In fact, we are often emotionally incomplete with those who are living. If you’re ready to move beyond that relationship, get in touch at [email protected] ❤
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Personal, Pespective |
Surviving to Thriving – is this a phrase you can get behind for 2021?
I recently was interviewed for an online event that’s taking place in March that’s bringing all sorts of presenters on the topic of suicide and grief and loss. I talked about how I have seen the transition of traditional in-person support groups moving to the online space.
The online grief community is a wonderful space to be in when you’re grieving, not to feel isolated and alone. However, the caution I want to bring to the table is when “surviving” becomes a badge of honor that goes from being shiny and new to tattered and worn?
I’ve begun to notice how this pattern of “survivor-hood” keeps individuals stuck in their grief. For example, the term “Suicide Survivor” has become a popular phrase. Whether you lost a loved one to suicide or attempted yourself, giving yourself that label eventually does more harm than good.
And here’s why…
We all embrace some identity for ourselves. I am a wife, mother, entrepreneur, podcaster, and writer. By telling anyone these five things about myself, certain assumptions can be made – social profiling, if you will. These are all also labels I identify as. So, in conversations with a group of women you may meet for the first time, as a mother, if someone else mentions their a mom, you will usually mention the same. It’s an identity that you use (and take on and live into) in relating to others.
When it comes to grief, I can say I’m a griever. I identify myself as a griever – a lifelong one at that. There are assumptions one can make about that phrase, too. Shouldn’t I be over it already? The “lifelong” bit speaks to how I identify as a child-griever, too.
All the identities we wear…to relate, understand and make sense of this experience we call life.
But, when do these identities do us a disservice? When do identities do more harm than good?
I’ll tell you…
When they’re keeping you stuck, and you’re not evolving the identity.
What Evolving Looks Like
Evolving looks like new knowledge and tools that you’re implementing to create positive, lasting changes in your life.
Evolving can look like baby steps one day to a lived out, all in commitment the next. For example, maybe you commit to exercising 3 days per week for a month, and the next month you add one more day per week. It’s starting out taking small steps towards positive change and incrementally adding to it.
This applies to healing as well. Maybe you decide to start meditating one day per week for 5 minutes. Once you master that, you add in more days at 5 minutes and then follow up with more time.
Healing takes time; this we all know to be true. We can have an epiphany moment that shifts everything into a new perspective instantly, but we can’t see the label from inside the jar. We must experience life beyond our comfort zone to evolve. And, this holds true when it comes to healing. We also can’t see a situation for what it is when we’re stuck in the weeds. So, surrounding ourselves with others who are also stuck in the weeds doesn’t do much for our growth.
Tying this back to support groups, I’m not poo-pooing them in the least. In fact, I think they serve a wonderful purpose, particularly when they’re action-focused. And, that’s the difference. What good does it do anyone to show up week after week, often not with the same people, to hear stories of others’ deep grief and sharing our own, with no hope that you’ll ever get out of the state of being? This is not thriving; this is surviving.
And, I don’t know about you or your loved one, but my father died at 44. He didn’t get the chance at a full life. His potential and life experience were both cut short. I’m quickly approaching 44 myself. When I turned 40, I knew that something in my life needed to change radically, or I would find myself heading down the same path of dis-ease as my father.
My father had a lot of grief in his life. He was a Vietnam Vet and was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer in the midst of raising young children. Add this grief to all the years of loss experience before it and, I’m not surprised he died young – all but one of his siblings has passed, and all died younger than 70. He grew up like many of us do, learning the opposite of what to do with grief; it’s the generational learning I often speak about. We resort to what we know and have been taught. If you haven’t read my blog post about the six myths of grief, that’s a great place to start.
Anyway, my question for you is, as you reflect on the grief you’ve experienced in your life and that’s stacked up over the years, do you feel as though you are surviving, or can you honestly say you are thriving in your life? Because if you’re not thriving, something is keeping you stuck. It very well could be the company you keep and the support in which you surround yourself.
We don’t get where we want to be in this life by holding on to what is incomplete from the past or sticking with people who are stuck in their past. We can pull people along with us, too, but they have to want to find healing. This is has been one of the biggest challenges for me as a certified grief recovery specialist. I watch people every day, online, ruminate on what can’t be changed. Is there a natural ebb and flow and twisty-turvy experience to grief? Absolutely! It’s definitely not a linear, point A. to point B. experience; not in the least. However, and I can only speak from my own experience, after 30 years of grieving, that boulder on my shoulders only got bigger over time – until I took action.
Time only passes. It’s the action we take in time that matters.
Do yourself a favor, do a check of the Facebook groups you’re in or the online grief accounts you follow that don’t give bring you a sense of hope. If you leave the conversations feeling worse about your life, grief, or situation, that’s your heart speaking to you. I have heard some of the most horrendous stories from grievers on my podcast. But every last one of those souls never lost hope and found a way to get to the other side of the depths of their pain. However long that takes you is your journey, too, so as not to confuse you because there is no timeline for grief. Again, it’s the action you take that matters. Even baby steps matter and compound over time, too.
If I had a magic wand, I would wave it over all of the grievers I know and meet. It would be the magic wand of openness and curiosity.
Until we are open to the possibility of healing, healing can’t find its way to us. And, unless we’re curious, we’re never going to open the door to what could help us heal.
Are you tired of feeling how you feel? Reach out. I’m only an email away. And, now on my website, you can schedule a 90-minute Heart With Ears session to experience a space to be seen, heard, and if you’re ready, a path forward.
I love you, and you can do hard things.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Reiki, Resources, Spirituality |
Grief comes in like a freight train and with it a rollercoaster of feelings that are impossible to ignore. Whether someone close to you has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, a beloved friend or family member has died, a relationship has ended, or chronic disease has entered the picture (or any of the 40+ losses), grief manifests in many similar ways no matter the cause of grief.
Grief opens us up like a gaping wound. It’s important we validate the grief and feelings we’re experiencing from those wounds.
It can be rather easy to close yourself off from others while you’re on the rollercoaster. It’s tempting to do everything in your power to avoid and ignore what is feeling unsettled within you. However, allowing it to fester is reflected in continually disregarding that which is trying to get your attention. Repressing your grief will eventually manifest in physical symptoms or external behaviors.
In grief recovery, we use a tea kettle for an analogy. Like a tea kettle, grief experience after grief experience causes energy to build within us. This buildup of blocked energy is what we refer to in Reiki as byoki. Over time, this built-up blocked energy either causes us to implode or explode – or both. When the steam builds up in the tea kettle, it whistles. Once released, like our emotional energy blockages, the pressure is gone. When the energy is allowed to flow or put another way when feelings are felt and processed, the pressure (or stress, anger, resentment, dis-ease) is alleviated or even removed (if you did the inner grief work).
Why It’s Important to Feel Your Feelings
- Acknowledgment: By acknowledging how we’re feeling, we can’t deny those feelings. Thereby, we’re given an opportunity to either stuff or honor them with time and space. This is a choice we make.
- Openness: By sitting with our feelings, we are actively opening up our hearts and releasing the emotional energy they carry.
- Freedom: Embracing and fully experiencing our feelings provides a sense of freedom when we get to the other side.
- Overall Health & Wellbeing: It doesn’t feel good to experience our feelings fully. However, it sure beats using a bandaid like drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, fantasy, social media use, or anything else where the goal is to distract yourself from your feelings by using these things to feel better at the moment. Because what you’re often left with is more grief due to shame, guilt, feelings of unworthiness, etc.
Grief is a shock to the system on all levels: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. If you want to feel fulfillment in your life, though, eventually, you have to lean into the pain so you can move forward without it dictating and filtering into every area of your life. It’s not weak to allow yourself to feel the despair and vulnerability, any more than seeking help is weak.
Recovery from grief doesn’t mean you forget the love you have for someone. If it was a less than a positive relationship, it’s not about condoning any behavior you feel was an offense against you either. Recovery in either instance isn’t about forgetting either.
Recovery Is:
being able to enjoy fond memories without having them cause painful feelings of regret and remorse.
understanding your potential and no longer allowing past experiences to dictate your future.
claiming your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you and your happiness.
acquiring the skills we should have been taught in childhood.
one day realizing that your ability to talk about the loss you’ve experienced is normal and healthy.
When we lose someone close, it’s common to incorporate rituals and routines for the loss into our lives. This helps us to make sense of what we’re experiencing. Some people also create shrines and memorials in memorial of a loved one. Rituals, shrines, and routines, memorials are ways many grievers use to cope. The way that we feel when we grieve is physically, emotionally, and spiritually painful, and the need to remember that loss is a normal and natural part of our lives. However, these things can also entrap us and keep us leashed to the event’s past.
We desire to find purpose and meaning in everything – it’s human nature. I am no different, despite the training, tools, and education I’ve received about grief. And, I’ve thought about how I’d cope with the loss of one of my children. The honest answer is – I have no way to know unless it happens to me. And so, we can pass judgment on how others are coping with their loss, but in truth, every single relationship is unique. I don’t know whether I would leave their room as-is, or if it would feel too painful, I’d want to change it completely. That’s a form of enshrinement. And, it’s a space that could bring great comfort or it could be a reminder of great sorrow and all of the unmet hopes, dreams, and expectations or anything we wish would be different, better, or more.
The effects of loss infiltrate into every aspect of our lives, often without connecting what’s happening to the grief and loss itself. We can move in tandem with our grief; meeting ourselves where we’re at in the process of time passing. Forcing yourself to move forward doesn’t help you. And yet, we also need to consider, as grievers (and I’ve been a griever since 1987), that there has to come a time when enough is enough. When the craziness we feel within ourselves is a disservice and a hindrance to our overall health and wellbeing.
Grief is as natural as happiness and love.
One Final Thought
I think, spiritually, if we believe our loved ones are always around us, there is no specific room, shrine, or memorial spot needed. We can feel close to our loved ones always and forevermore, no matter where we are. This is the aspect of grief, I believe, that has the potential to offer so much healing to grievers, but isn’t often talked about. I’m definitely going to share what I’ve been learning about this topic as of late. If you want a head start, check out the Netflix DocuSeries: Surviving Death.
Sending you all the love today, friend.
P.S. Did you find this post helpful? Please share it with a griever you love or care about. Sharing is caring. 💛
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
Recovering from depression is one of the most challenging mental conditions and trying experiences for a person to overcome. It can often be challenging to tell where negative emotions are coming from, and many people find themselves unable to be mindful when they are at their lowest. Each day can feel like a real slog when you are in this position, making it feel just about impossible to make a positive change. While it will always take baby steps, though, I’m hopeful that anyone has the power to overcome depression; you need to take positive, forward-motion steps. I would be remiss to say, too, that I’m not talking about diagnosed clinical depression, which is chronic and often requires ongoing professional support.
Of course, it would be wrong to say that the same methods will apply to everyone as well, but it is worth keeping these ideas in mind when you embark on your own journey to recovery. I personally have had bouts of depression myself. After having my second child, post-partum depression came out of nowhere and took me by surprise. After my third child, it was even worse, which resulted in me seeking help. Which only resulted in being prescribed a medication that I ultimately quit on my own. And, there were zero follow-ups from the doctor when I didn’t refill the prescription either. I understand that there’s only one of them and doctors have many patients. Though, I think that the “pill-dispensary” mentality, without any other support, isn’t doing society any favors. I do think looking at the whole person, not just their mental state of mind but also their emotional is just as, if not more, important. Because rarely do doctors ask: “What has happened to you in your life?” The cure-all, end-all, be-all is not always medication, and yet, that’s the anecdote for millions of people who, with mild depression, could take steps on their own to improve their mental frame of mind.
The question I would ask myself if I were to experience another bout of depression again would be: “What is happening in my life that is causing me to feel this way?”
Recovering from Depression
Being Mindful
It’s never easy to figure out the source of something like depression. It is unlikely that a single aspect in your life is triggering negative emotions; negative emotions tend to compound. For example, you may get up feeling great in the morning, but missing your bus to work will send you into an unhappy spiral. If the next person you talk to is rude to you, this will amplify your negative emotions, sending you deeper into a depressive state. Once in this position, mindfulness is just about the only tool that can get you out of it.
Being mindful means that you are aware of your emotions and the things that trigger them. For example, if you miss the bus, you will feel bad because you will be late for work and be worried about the consequences. In reality, though, this sort of issue never lasts more than a few hours, and it’s not worthy of making you feel bad. You can read more about mindfulness online, and it’s well worth learning some methods that will help you ground yourself when you feel bad.
Making Small Positive Changes
It can be all too easy to blame certain aspects of your life for something like depression. It’s not helpful to push people to make big changes in their lives, hoping that they will escape the way they feel. In reality, this can make it harder to tackle the root of the issue, and it can be much better to make smaller changes that will improve your existing lifestyle. No two people are the same, which makes it crucial that you take steps that apply to your situation rather than follow other people’s lead.
For example, if you feel bad about a relationship you are in, talking to your partner and improving the situation will be much better than simply breaking up with them. This doesn’t have to directly relate to the way you feel, either, with many people finding that adding things like exercise into their routine makes them feel better throughout the day. Your emotions are always influenced by the things you do, making it wise to spend time adapting your day to do things that bring about joy.
Talk To Others
Talking has always been one of the best tools for those who are struggling with depression. It can be hard to rationalize your thoughts when you are trapped in your own head. Sometimes, saying what is on your mind to someone else can bring the clarity you didn’t know existed. Alongside this, it can also help you to get the support you need, with new ideas and assessments of your emotions giving you the chance to build a good understanding of your own mind.
Family, friends, and even your colleagues can be the perfect candidates for this. However, not always. While not everyone will want to talk about something like depression directly, most people will be more than happy to lend their ear when they know that something is bothering you. You should always lead the way with this, never waiting for people to ask if you want to talk. While your emotions feel very prominent to you, other people may not see the dark cloud that looms over you until you let them. You want to be sure you’re discerning who can be a heart with ears for you without criticizing, analyzing, or judging what you’re sharing. Going through grief recovery, grievers (and trained specialists) learn how to be a heart with ears for others and what that looks like. Empathy is my number one strength, so being a heart with ears comes easily and naturally. It’s why I love podcasting so much, too. For many of my guests, it’s the first time they’re sharing their story in such a public way, and I’m a stranger. It’s because I listen and allow grievers to share their story uninterrupted.
The people you know and love aren’t the only people who can help when you feel depressed. There are loads of professionals out there that can offer support and advice while you go through something like this, and it’s always worth looking for this help when you are struggling. A therapist will always be happy to give you the time you need, with no judgment being applied when you talk about the things that you find hard. They’re a great heart with ears because they’re a neutral party with no skin in your life game; they’ve got nothing to lose or anything to gain. This can be an amazing way to deal with depression, with many people learning things about themselves that they never knew. But, I am partial to grief recovery, as it’s often the root of what’s emotionally going on in our lives. Grief stacks up over time. This is why it often takes many years and many losses for people to connect the dots of what’s they’re experiencing in their life as grief.
Positivity
Finally, as the last area to consider, it’s time to think about an idea that is controversial to some. Depression is a mental health issue that stems from much more than simply being unhappy, but many people find value in working hard to remain positive in their day to day lives when they are living with something like this. Being positive about the things you find hard can be a challenge, but when you remember that tomorrow will be a new day, it can become a lot easier to smile at things used to make you feel bad.
Of course, this doesn’t work for everyone, and pretending to be happy is no substitute for real happiness. In fact, how many times have you said “I’m fine” in response to the question “How are you?” Likely, like most people, that’s often the go-to answer, even when it’s far from the truth. When we’re uncomfortable about how we’re feeling, the last thing we want to do is “get into it” when the other person is likely expecting a flat answer rather than the truth. Imagine if everyone you asked would be honest about how they felt? You’d likely stop asking people how they felt if you yourself are uncomfortable with your own life and what’s going on, right? Also, we often ask questions like this in passing, for small chit-chat conversation. Do we really have the time (or make the time, rather) to hear how each other is feeling truly? Feelings aren’t sexy, thereby, we downplay our emotions, and when we’re ecstatic about life, it’s no different because heaven forbid you love your life too much. People are uncomfortable with other people’s happiness, too.
Depression is a big challenge for humanity. No matter how much technology develops, people will always have to live with conditions like this, and the solutions can often be impossible to see. Following the advice in this post is a great start, but it will also be worth reaching out to others who have dealt with depression if you want to keep your learning going. You never know; someone may share a solution that becomes the one thing that unlocks everything for you and sets you off on a positive path forward.
One final thought: never stop seeking answers that resonate with you and never lose hope.
Educational, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Reiki, Resources |
For some people, mental strength comes easily, while others have to fight hard to feel well each day. Whichever kind of person you are, there is no denying that changing the way you live your life, and incorporating healthy habits, can improve your mental health significantly.
With that in mind, here are a few things you can do right now to build mental strength and start feeling better than you have before:
Meditate
Yes, it’s become a bit of a buzzword in the world of wellness and mental health in recent years, but that’s because it works. Meditation gives you space from your thoughts, teaches you to live more at the moment, and helps you come to terms with past traumas. If you can practice meditation for just 20 minutes each day (build up to this if you need to), you will begin to notice a big difference in how well you feel and how able you are to cope with difficult situations. I like to think of meditation as a “popping of the cork,” where the mind is the cork. It’s a disconnection of our minds from our hamster-wheel thoughts that allows us to venture into our subconscious (higher selves). And, you don’t have to sit cross-legged while chanting “Ommmmm…” to meditate. There are also walking meditations you can do where you focus on your breath. Meditation really brings awareness to the moment, which is so easily disregarded in our western, hustling culture.
Seek help
There is nothing weak about seeking help when you’re feeling unable to cope with your mental condition. From using an anxiety counseling service to seeing a psychiatrist who can work with your brain chemistry to get you back on an even keel or even having Reiki healing to get back in touch with yourself, doing what you need to do, and seeking help from the professionals who can help you with this is a smart move. It’s also a move you should make whenever you’re struggling – it shouldn’t be a one-time thing. If grief weighs you down, I offer a service specific to grief that isn’t going to take two years of talk therapy. In grief recovery, you get to the root of many of the issues that plague your life, not realizing that grief is quite possibly the cause. Not to mention, it’s an evidence-based, proven structured program for moving beyond grief. Additionally, some people who have experienced trauma, need additional support in the form of a service dog for PTSD, while symptoms are difficult to manage as they work toward recovery and beyond to keep on track.
Challenge yourself
You can never be truly mentally strong if you stay in your comfort zone. To be the best person you can be, you need to challenge yourself regularly. Don’t underestimate yourself and try activities that you may think are beyond you. Do your best to master them, and even if you don’t fully succeed, you will have built a mental toughness and a level of resilience that will help you get through tougher times in the future. I wholeheartedly feel that had I not ventured out of my comfort zone more than ten years ago to start my own business, I would not have the business I do today. Challenging yourself also requires an openness to possibility, failure, and growth. We grow through challenges and experience – no doubt about it!
Practice gratitude
By being grateful for what you have, you teach yourself to be more positive, which will stand you in good stead when times are hard. To practice gratitude, end the day by writing down five things (big or small) that you were grateful for, making you happy that day. Pretty soon, your brain will start looking for the good in every situation, and you will start to feel happier than you ever thought possible. Give it a try; it really does work.
One thing I started doing is, when I lie down at night to go to sleep, I bless the day I had and will have the next day. I go through my day and give thanks for the blessings that occurred that day. I give my gratitude for any connections I’ve made, how well a situation played out, a heartwarming moment, etc. Also, knowing what I have to do the next day, I play it out in my mind how I would like it to go. And, if things didn’t go exactly as I hoped, I play it out in my mind how I wish it would’ve gone and then bless the people and the situation. This has been the easiest gratitude practice I’ve found that works for me. Steal away if it resonates with you!
Keep practicing
Being mentally strong and healthy is a lifelong effort; it isn’t something you can work at for a while and then give up when you get bored or distracted or whatever. If you want to be truly happy, grateful, and mentally well, you need to put the work in day after day, even if you don’t feel like it. By practicing the above, and other techniques you find useful regularly, you will struggle less through life.
I’ve said it before, but it begs to be repeated: “Grief is cumulative and, it’s cumulatively negative. But, so is healing.” Every effort you put forward in your whole body wellness comes back in dividends and compounds over time. Every time (or financial) investment into your healing is an investment in yourself. And, you’re more than worth it.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness |
What does contentment have to do with grief?
Let’s start by looking at the definition of contentment.
The dictionary definition of contentment is a state of happiness and satisfaction.
We can all agree that when it comes to grieving, we may experience states of happiness. However, how often do we feel satisfaction when we’re grieving?
The Grief Recovery Institute defines grief as the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. Furthermore, it is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. It’s also anything that we wish would have been different, better, or more.
If we look at these two definitions and reflect on our lives and our experiences, the question then is: how much satisfaction do we have with our life?
If we don’t have satisfaction with our lives, what is often present?
Stress.
What is often the byproduct of grief?
You guessed it……
Stress.
I was talking with a dear friend recently. I asked her (after sharing the epiphany I had this week about my energy and the dots I connected to when I was a kid – future blog post coming on this!) what replenishes her energy when she’s feeling drained. Her reply? Helping others – whether it is showing kindness, finding a resource, connecting people, etc…
Her response got me thinking. She and I both got our start in the medical field, doing healthcare work with the elderly. She’s furthered her healthcare career and is now in a position where she’s given the opportunity daily to replenish her energy. She loves what she does and feels fulfillment and satisfaction because it fulfills who she is – a Helper.
So, this conversation with my friend got me thinking more about contentment and how we find it in our lives. When we have days where we feel like all hope is lost. We don’t feel like we have a choice in our lives because of the card(s) we’ve been dealt. That how things are – always will always be; we’ll always feel the way we feel because the circumstance itself will never change. It is what it is. What is there to do about it? We can’t change what happened to us.
So, I went to the internet to find podcasts about contentment and if anything is ever mentioned about grief. I didn’t find much about contentment and grief. Still, I did find a podcast called “Finding Contentment” from, interestingly, The American Institute of Stress, and every single episode is about, you guessed it – stress!
In this episode with endocrinologist and research scientist Dr. David Fryburg. The following are excerpts and CliffsNotes from this conversation that talks about the toll of stress (including Covid-19) on our bodies and mental health.
Stress…as being a primary cause, in my view, of a large number of disorders: heart disease, stroke, hypertension, diabetes, also wrapped in obesity, drug abuse, etc..and some would even say the data support cancer. It has this relationship probably because stress response affects the autonomic nervous system…in terms of sympathetic over-activation, which also affects immune function.
In a nutshell, stress generates inflammation in and of itself, according to Dr. Fryburg. When we live in a state of stress, we resort to stress-reducing behaviors that try to “quench the pain,” as Fryburg goes on to add. He adds examples of these behaviors, such as alcohol, drug use, cigarettes, over-eating, decreased interest in exercise, and it all feeds together.
Stress creates a vicious cycle that starts with an event or circumstance (i.e., grief-causing event or circumstance), which creates a biological response in our bodies. What follows is the mental and physical disorders and behavioral changes. With illness come new stressors, and that’s how stress (i.e., grief) becomes a vicious cycle that feels impossible to escape – as if we don’t have a choice.
What happens as a result of this imbalance in our lives?
Discontentment. Which is unhappiness caused by the failure of one’s hopes, desires, or expectations.
And, what does this definition of discontentment tie back to?
GRIEF! By definition, grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
As I was listening to the doctor and shared in the excerpt, it’s grief at the root of what he’s sharing. Stress and grief are intertwined. You do not have one without the other. And both are compounded the longer we allow the symptoms and the behaviors to persist.
The doctor shared these expressions, which I loved…”The worse it gets, the worse it gets.” But, the flipside of this is…”The better it gets, the better it gets!”
The only word this doctor does not mention in this entire episode is the word “grief.” And this is what drives me nuts. When well-known, influential, or highly educated people fail to call so many of these things for what they are, which is GRIEF! IT’s GRIEF! I wish I could scream it at them. Because, as long as we approach whole health from a “let’s cure the stress,” we’re not getting to the root. Work on losing weight, anxiety, or hypertension all you want – you’re likely to remain under a doctor’s care for these things, and then some as symptoms progress, for years and years. But, get to the root cause of these things, and you pull the weed from the root.
Rather than adding roundup to a weed year after year, why not just pull it at the root?
Don’t you think a better approach to grief (and stress) is the same?
But, I digress. The whole point of this blog post was how do we get to contentment as grievers. And, I’ve found myself on a tangent. I’m just so passionate about this because it is my opinion that this refrain from using the word “grief” in society has gotten us to this place of chronic illness, disease, and an overwhelmed healthcare system (even before Covid-19). We don’t want to talk about it. It’s not “sexy,” it’s not a “buzz word,” when it’s the one thing every single one of us experiences.
Finding Contentment
One tool the doctor mentions to build resiliency to stress is meditation. Meditation calms the “monkey mind.” It quiets the stream of thoughts we are often not even fully conscious of, too. He also mentions dance and exercise. When it comes to exercise, it’s mentioned in the episode to take out the motivation piece and be motivated. Rather, make it be something you do, like brushing your teeth, making breakfast, or doing the dishes. I don’t know – tell that to someone who’s deep in grief or overwhelmed by stress and, they’ll scoff at the simplicity of that statement—I kind of do, to be honest. I’ve gotten on and fallen off that horse more times than I can count. I’ve just let that be okay with me. I get bored easily, and when I have weeks where I have to use a lot of mental bandwidth, I often have less in the physical arena. Those are the times where I may go for a walk or do some gentle yoga. And, it may just be that I sleep in and restore myself in that way. We’re all wired differently, so I do scoff at the simplicity of that idea. But, research also shows that it also takes time to build a habit. And, isn’t that what brushing our teeth and all of those other daily, mundane tasks are – habits, in a way?
Anyway, the actual title of the podcast episode is How Kindness Helps Us with Stress. When it comes to kindness, Dr. Fryburg shares that, in nature, beings that sacrifice for one another within a species are more than likely to flourish. He adds that the giver gets more than the receiver. Allan Luks coined this as the Helper’s High.
The process of going beyond ourselves, which also involves compassion, empathy, and caring, is what psychologists call self-transcendence. In his work of putting together his organization and program called Envision Kindness, he found that the people who volunteered (i.e., connect with others in positive ways) regularly have death rates that are 20-40% lower than those who don’t. He adds that going from contaminated water to clean water has about the same effect. In a nutshell, giving of ourselves has a substantial impact on our lives.
How does this relate to grief (because I can tie nearly everything back to grief)? Those who are isolated (or feel isolated), who don’t feel a sense of connection to others have a mortality rate (20-40%) that is about the same as if they were self-sacrificed with kindness toward others. Dr. Fryburg shares that when we engage in disconnecting activities, such as watching the news and allowing anger, fear, and ego to dominate. So, when you live in poverty or have fewer resources, this is where connection creates a bridge.
But, how do we go about creating a connection (or feeling it) with others when we’ve lost the connection we feel within ourselves?
Here’s where the episode got me excited!
It turns out; you don’t have to move mountains, make some grand gesture of self-sacrifice, quite the contrary. Just by actually seeing images/videos/content or witnessing people being kind to others (or seeing giving connection) has the same effect – just by seeing it. People feel more compassionate, generous, calmer, more grateful, and optimistic as a result.
You not only are what you eat. You are what you see. – Dr. David Fryburg
Through his work, Dr. Fryburg is working on getting more and more healthcare systems to stream kindness-focused content (in the form of video and still photos) into waiting rooms. These places are high-stress environments and, from an energetic stand-point, emotionally heavy as well. Referring back to the study that found what we see, in terms of kindness, has the same effect by doing – instantly, this changes the entire feel of the environment and the emotional state of the person seeing it. I LOVE this idea!
We can be agents of change, by our own agency, with the energy of disconnection or stress or with the energy of kindness. We have a choice. And, we have a choice when it comes to grief, too. This episode mentions how stress is contagious. There’s also a tip if you’re a dog owner. Our pups often reflect us the state of the environment in which they’re in. So, when thinking about stress being contagious – our pooches pick up on the stress as well.
What To Do When You Feel Overwhelmed
What is Dr. Fryburg’s advice for those who are overwhelmed and don’t know what to do? When you’re trying all of the things – exercise, meditation, kindness, etc.. on your own, and nothing seems to be helping?
Seek professional or guided help. There’s no shame in asking for help.
The gentlemen interviewing Dr. Fryburg even says that when we break an arm, we go to the doctor, but we’re resistant to asking and receiving that help when it comes to our emotions and mental health.
Everyone suffers from stress. However, how we respond (in the moment) may require some additional help and support.
To close, I want to share a win for a current grief recovery client of mine. I have seen, over the course of the last few weeks of going through Grief Recover One-on-One with me, communication in his relationship has improved. He’s shown up for our sessions more vibrant, lighter, and happier. The energy he brings to his sessions lately has been a reflection of the inner-work he has been doing. He continues to have opportunities open up for him in his business, and I have seen his confidence grow. He’s not quite finished, but the transformation has been my greatest joy to witness. The most significant point in bringing this to your attention? He recognized he needed support and has been open to receiving it every step of the way.
What’s important to know is that you have a choice. No matter what you do, don’t take your circumstances lying down. Take life day-by-day, set small goals for yourself that set you up for success, and seek out resources, programs, or people who can help lift you out of stress, grief, and overwhelm.
Grief Recovery isn’t the only thing out there, but it is the only program specific to grief based on evidence. Meaning, rather than being evidence (or research)-based, where parts or components of the program/method are based on practices demonstrated to be effective through research, this method/program, in its entirety, has been demonstrated through research to be effective.
I could probably write another 2200 words on this topic. More to come on this, I am sure of that! In the meantime, what do you think? Which has come first for you – stress or grief? Here to support you and sending love and light your way! Thank you for reading!
P.S. Want to experience a breakthrough as my client has? Click the Contact tab, check out the Grief Recovery info on my site, or the Grief Recovery Institute website for more information. Stress, overwhelm – and, at the end of the day, the grief that’s at the root of it doesn’t have to dictate your tomorrow. You have every power within you to direct your energy in a whole new, positive way. And, if you want to feel reprieve right now from your stress, consider a Reiki session with me (distant or in-person – in-person sessions are subject to Covid-19 precautions during this time).
