Educational, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective |
Have you ever had a re-framing thought that completely offered a new perspective? A different way of looking at a situation that totally flipped your heart and feelings towards a situation that eased your suffering?
Two phrases came up repeatedly for me in 2020. I thought I would share them with you because, my friend, they helped ease so much unnecessary suffering. And, feel free to share this as “life-coaching” advice to your bestie the next time they express their hurt or frustration, particularly towards another person.
The two phrases are:
I don’t know what I don’t know.
and…
Consider the source.
Think, right now, about someone who has left you feeling a bit jaded. They may have seemed to be aloof, flaky, not being the supportive friend as you believe they should be, etc. Now, apply either one of these two phrases to that situation.
Let’s take the first one: You don’t know what you don’t know…
- Could they be feeling ill lately?
- Have they received some terrible news (perhaps related to finances, family, or themselves) and haven’t communicated that to you?
- Or, maybe they don’t know how to be there for you. They may feel like they’re doing just fine in that department while balancing their own life demands.
How often do we learn of the tragic news of someone who completes suicide, and it completely catches us off-guard. We’re baffled because “they seemed fine.” Or, we learn that someone has been suffering at the hands of an abuser. Maybe, too, the stress of finances, children, and life itself is just really taking a toll mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually on another. (SO MUCH GRIEF IN ALL OF THESE, BTW)
We grieve all sorts of situations in our lives. And, grief often makes us feel (and operate in life) out of sorts. Consider, too, that when you feel like you’ve been wronged, there’s another human on the other side of that emotion. You’re allowing that situation to take up your valuable brain and heart space and filling it with anger, resentment, frustration, or whatever you’re feeling towards the other. When in reality, there may be a valid explanation for the behavior of the other person.
‘Tis better to think the best of others than ruminate and stew on a self-created story.
Now, the next one: Consider the source…
- Has that person always been that way? But, when it counts (and they’re made fully aware of what’s going on), have they been there?
- Would they intentionally be avoiding you (or the situation)?
- Have they done so in the past?
If the latter is the case, then perhaps you need to re-think your friend circle and those you rely on in tough times. Or, take a hard look at how you communicate your needs to those you care about and those who care about you in return.
When considering the source, think about who they are as a person, why you have that person in your life, the value they bring to your life, what they have been going through, what they’re experiencing, etc.
Say, and apply, these re-framing statements to any relationship. Seriously. You can consider these two phrases in your relationships with co-workers, the rude store clerk, your best friend, or your spouse/significant other.
A shift in perspective can change EV-ER-Y-THING.
If you do this, let me know how it changes a situation/relationship in your life for you! I’d love to hear how this tip helps ease you of so much unnecessary suffering.
P.S. Did you find this blog post helpful? If so, I’d love for you to share it because sharing is caring! And, I care about others, not necessarily suffering. I bet you do, too! 💕
Grief, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources |
There are several people I know who are going through some crappy things and life itself sucks. Well really, Covid has put a lot of people in the same camp, as far as that goes.
There is a privilege in writing that. There is also gratitude in my heart for not being in their shoes. That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t empathize with what they’re going through. And, that doesn’t mean I can’t imagine myself in their shoes, either.
There have been a few times in my life where I felt like life itself just plain sucked. There wasn’t anything that I could find good. I had gotten really good, as a kid, at finding silver linings. However, as an adult, I was getting more of a chip on my shoulder than anything else. Cynicism and sarcasm were coping mechanisms; along with alcohol and other unhelpful/hurtful things/people.
All that being said, not feeling too inspired for this week’s blog post, and reflecting on this week being National Grief Awareness Week, I found myself thinking about those who I know who are heading into the holidays and are just not feeling it. They’re not feeling festive. They’re not feeling like putting decorations up, shopping for gifts, or contemplating gatherings. It’s just not in them. Maybe this applies directly to you.
Whichever camp you’re in: everything sucks (because “rona” took a seat at your family table or literally took a dear one from the table or, all kinds of other possible horrible scenarios) versus #ronaruinseverything (where it’s the “rona” ruining your holiday and, there’s nothing tragic going on in your life other than your plans being elf-blocked) – there is something you can do today.
Just be.
When everything has sucked for me, the most thoughtful thing I did for myself was allowed myself to just be.
Be with my feelings – the anger, sadness, confusion, and everything in between.
Be with my heart – and let it speak to me through writing.
Be with my soul – and nurture it with nature, a song, or a shower (which, personal hygiene is easily the bottom of the list when life feels upside down).
Just be.
And, let that be okay. It can feel like emotional purgatory; stuck somewhere between hope and despair. And, sometimes it takes a whole lotta effort to grasp for the next best feeling. But, you can’t get there if the emotional pendulum is continually swinging toward despair either.
Take a slow, deep breath in and say to yourself: “I love myself.” Exhale everything that needs to be let go of at this moment: anger, sadness, confusion, whatever it is.
Do it again, closing your eyes.
Rinse and repeat the “Just Be” as long as you need. It’s the most loving and thoughtful thing you can do for yourself when it’s all can you muster to do.
Sending you love and light…✨
P.S. Do you need more support? There are several options in this lovely collection of offerings for this week only.
Check out the shop HERE. – NEW – there are now gift certificates available for purchase! Enter your chosen amount, continue with checkout, and I will mail you a physical gift certificate to gift someone you love and care about.
Questions? My inbox is always open here or you can schedule a free consultation, friend. 😘
Educational, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
Have you ever felt overwhelmed, like the path ahead of you is too long and rocky to even contemplate, let alone to venture down? If so, you’re not alone. We’ve all felt like that, and it is a normal part of the recovery process. Being overwhelmed isn’t a failure! It is your body and mind telling you to slow down, take deep breaths, and approach each day one at a time. In these anxious times, sometimes the big changes that need to happen in your life aren’t ones you’re able to face right now. Instead, it can help to focus on small changes – minuscule changes – to start shifting your mindset and shape the life you want to live.
Think One Positive Thought
One brilliant exercise to kickstart your mental recovery is this: think one positive thought each day, ideally in the morning. You’re not trying to force your brain into positivity and light, but simply offering it one nugget of goodness every day. Try writing them down in a journal so you have a solid record of your progress. These thoughts can be incredibly simple. For example ‘it’s sunny outside’, or ‘I’m lucky to be alive’, or even ‘I had a tasty brownie and that was good’. This might seem small, but it is a tiny way to start thinking differently about the world, and that can have lasting consequences.
In his book, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It, author Kamal Ravikant shares a method he used, while on the brink of suicide, to turn his life around. It started by taking 10 deep breaths every morning and evening before bed. However, it’s not simply a breathing exercise; as he breathes in he says to himself “I Love Myself” and as he exhales, he releases whatever needs to be released.
I don’t know if we can gratitude our way out of deep grief or depression. However, I do believe that actively flexing our optimism muscle by means of our thoughts, sets a strong foundation for the changes we wish to create in our lives. Because, when the going gets tough, we have a choice to either let our thoughts downward spiral us into worry and fear or keep us grounded in hope. And, because our thoughts play a pivotal role in the mind-body connection, our thoughts greatly influence our health, too. If you’ve never read Loise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life, I highly recommend it if you’re dealing with health concerns.
Your Appearance
Have you ever had a haircut and felt on top of the world? Small changes to your appearance can have a major impact on your feelings of confidence and self-worth. It’s not shallow, it’s part of being human, and it’s time to embrace that. Find one small way you can treat yourself and let yourself know that you are valued and beautiful. This could be a fresh haircut, a facial, or a nice piece of clothing. If you wear glasses, how about finding a store with a big selection and picking a brand new pair that makes you feel effortlessly stylish? It can be anything, whatever works for you, as long as it gives you a small feeling of joy in yourself.
When I think back to when I was having my mid-life unraveling, I recall that self-care was not my priority. I would go three days without showering. I did not have self-care on a pedestal. And, it’s amazing how a shower can feel like a reset in your day. Put some intention into your self-care, including your appearance, and it shifts something inside you.
See One Friend Every Month
Grief can do strange things to a person; it can make you withdraw, and make it much harder for you to connect with other people. This has a domino effect, and finding a way back into the world is easier said than done. Immediately reentering large social situations may feel simply unfeasible. It’s important that you don’t put too much pressure on yourself, as this can lead to stress and therefore backward steps. Instead, commit to one small social act, for example, seeing a friend for coffee each month. This can be the same friend, or you can cycle through your social circle: whatever works for you. The vital part of this is that you are giving yourself time to recover whilst gently encouraging yourself into good habits. Your friends will understand, and they will also be delighted to see you and spend time with you.
Now is a great time to add in some small things to your day to improve your mood, given the current times. I send you loving thoughts as you navigate all of the changes you are facing, and when you’re having a rough day, it’s normal and natural to feel all the things. There’s nothing wrong with you. The question is, how long do you want to reside in “Gloomville?”
Some days, it’s going to take effort to shift your thinking, take a shower, or visit a friend – this is true. However, the days you decide to choose YOU, is already an act of rebellion against the monster of negativity looming over you – and all of us. Light your light shine bright, friend, and start within – someone else next to you may need it.
Educational, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective |
Do you like to play dodgeball? You know, the game where balls are thrown at you with the goal of getting you out of the game? And, you hope that you don’t end up with a bloody nose by the end of it?
Imagine your thoughts being the ball and your heart and physical body are on the receiving end. And, consider how many times during any given day you are the one throwing the insults in the direction of yourself.
The most important conversation we need to have when we do this is not in our heads. Rather, the most important conversation we need to have in moments like this is the one we have with ourselves and with our hearts.
We have more than 6,000 thoughts in a day, according to a study conducted by researchers at Queen’s University in Canada. Also, according to the study,
Anxious or racing thoughts, negative self-talk, worry, and overthinking are hallmarks for people who know the challenges of dealing with mental health diagnoses like anxiety and depression. These conditions affect a growing number of Americans.
- Anxiety disorders affect 1% of people in the U.S., making it the most common mental illness.
- According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, “anxiety disorders develop from a complex set of risk factors, including genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events.”
I’ve been reading the book, “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It,” by Kamal Ravikant. In it, the author shares how he turned his life around by using a self-love practice, which he found by doing more of what made him feel better. At the core of this practice is telling himself every single day, throughout the day, that he loved himself. I’m not quite half-way through the book, but so far, my takeaway is that this book reinforces what I learned through grief recovery, and that is: We can’t heal the heart with the head. We certainly don’t heal the heart either by all the garbage we tell ourselves on a daily basis. All this does is reinforce the beliefs we have about ourselves, thereby, reinforcing the repeated patterns of behavior that keep us stuck in our lives.
So, I’ve been working on implementing my own “self-love” practice, and it does include principals taught in this book. Along with the other healing modalities I have learned along the way (grief recovery education and the practical tools it provides along with reiki), I feel like I am leaving 2020 more emotionally resilient than how I came into the year. Also, far more prepared for whatever 2021 may bring, too. I’m working on changing the conversations I have with myself.
The majority of us have spent years in self-loathing. The opposite of self-loathing is self-love. And, it’s a sport most of us need a lot of practice in, in order to see our hearts transformed. The timing of coming across this book is uncanny and very synchronistic. So, I’m fully embracing it and trusting that it’s a part of the process I’m ready to dig into for my own healing.
If you desire change in your life, it starts with the most important conversation you need to have – the one with yourself and your heart. When was the last time you asked your heart what it needs?
This year, I learned this from a mentor, and I keep a post-it with this written on it, above my desk, where I see it every single day.
I am where my attention is.
Who would I be…
What would I do…
and
How would I feel if I already had…
Where do you want your attention to be as we bring 2020 to a close?
Where do you want your attention to be in 2021?
Healing is my jam. To bring my best light and my best self to the work that I do, I need to work on clearing out my own gunk. Put another way, as Kamal Ravikant mentions in his book, I need to keep bringing out the rag and clean my windows.
Maybe you’re not looking to be a healer-type person. That doesn’t matter. Because I would bet that what you really want is to feel better and to live your best life. Am I right?
Start within and listen to the guidance of your knowing heart.
P.S. We start by asking ourselves better questions. If you’ve never listened to my podcast, Grieving Voices, the first 12 episodes are a great start! You’ll be doing all sorts of reflecting and asking yourself all kinds of questions as you listen. Take it one step further and grab a notebook and pen and put your thoughts on paper. We can turn our screams into whispers…trust me. (Side Note: “When Screams Turn Into Whispers” is a book title for someone I interviewed for the podcast recently – such a great episode on bipolar disorder that I can’t wait to share)
Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Reiki |
Have you felt like you’ve been on a rollercoaster ride, emotionally, lately?
I have.
My kids are now home due to COVID. So, aside from that, and all the other things come with life, work, and business, I’m tired. And, I know I’m not alone.
One thing that I’ve found that has helped me not to lose my marbles lately is taking at least 45 minutes every morning for myself. Every weekday, I do a workout. Periodically, I give myself Reiki. One day this week, I also journaled. The point is, taking time for my body, my heart, and my mindset has dramatically kept me from lashing out in frustration.
How often, though, do we go about our day without making our body, heart, and mindset a priority? How often do we lax on our self-awareness and go about our day mindlessly? A lot.
I recall many times throughout my life, where the littlest things would set me off. This response is not uncommon to us when we feel as if we’re on an emotional rollercoaster. So, how do you suppose this quick-to-anger, being easily poked by the bear – way of being is impacting your life, work, and business if you have one?
Back when I had my first business, I was struggling in a lot of ways emotionally. I was having physical symptoms, including unexplained body aches, headaches, and hair loss. Also, I had or have never been diagnosed with anxiety. However, since having a better understanding of our energy, I look back in hindsight and recognize that the physical angst I would often feel was anxiety. Even today, when my thoughts start to tailspin around overwhelm (which I’ve come to learn is due to lack of prioritizing) and the future, I begin to have episodes of heart arrhythmia and feel like I could jump out of my skin. Again, I don’t know if this is what anxiety feels like to those diagnosed, but this is when I know I am out of energetic balance.
I’ve come to understand that grief and energy go hand-in-hand. I do feel that is why Reiki found me after going through the grief recovery program and starting to unravel the years of emotional dis-ease I had carried.
When I look back on the years when I first joined the workforce at 14 and onward, I recognize (with new awareness) what emotional dis-ease (i.e., grief) has cost me. There were many jobs I never applied at because I didn’t feel like I had a snowball’s chance in you know what of getting the job. I also got so scared about the future, finances, and all the things when it came to college. I spent a weekend in a dorm when I turned 18 to pack the car and leave before ever giving myself a chance. I gave up on myself before I even tried. And, all because of fear and money.
I did not trust myself. I did not understand intuition and how to tap into it. I always looked to the external for affirmation that I was doing the right thing or looking for permission or just someone to tell me what to do. It was this confusion, and yet, also a knowing that I could do hard things that led me to join the military. If money was the problem in attending college, well then, I found my solution. What I didn’t realize was that I still had to pay that money upfront (which, I believe, is still the case).
I’ve learned to become resourceful through struggle, but I’ve also learned how to be resilient. That said, it’s taken me decades to dig in and tap into how to utilize my resourcefulness and resiliency. You see, when we’re emotionally suffering, it’s often difficult to see potential and possibility – in ourselves. Our minds become a fog of illusion that we’re okay and fine. However, if we take a birds-eye view of our life, we often see that we have blocks that keep us repeating the same self-sabotaging behaviors. Or, we become hyper-focused on performance, results, and outcomes – all the while neglecting ourselves and those we love (hello, burnout)!
Below is a rundown list of all the ways, I believe, emotional dis-ease creates blocks and hinders our progress in life and business. These are ways I self-identify with, and I am sure there are many more I haven’t thought of that I could add. If this list resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you! I’m curious if there are others I haven’t included that you found to be true for you?
The Ways Emotional Dis-Ease Impacts Life & Business
- self-worth issues
- questioning/second-guessing every decision or difficulty making decisions
- seeking outside validation/affirmation
- unable to see other perspectives
- lack of discernment
- physical symptoms
- money drama – money comes, money goes // lack of growth in account or savings
- quick to anger
- fractured relationships
- difficulty connecting with others
- feeling like others are out to get you // victim mindset
- trust issues
- lack of self-awareness or not conscious of your physical body // desire to “numb-out.”
- avoid important issues within life or business
- not sure what you value
- don’t see the value you bring to others
- lack mindset // inability to see opportunities
- difficulty focusing/concentrating
- procrastination // difficulty prioritizing & planning
The more of these that resonate with you, the more likely you’ve got some emotional weeds in your heart garden that need some tending and pulling. With each weed we pull, we’re clearing out space for more beauty to enter and unfold in our lives.
There is hope on the other side of all of this. I’ve been having some wonderful conversations with some incredible healing hearts for my podcast, Grieving Voices. And, these guests have proven this to me over and over. There’s no such thing as joy or sorrow – the two co-exist within a matter of moments of each other. However, when the scales tip further one way than the other in a way that doesn’t sit right with you, then you have a choice to do something about it.
There is no timeline for healing emotional dis-ease. However, how much time are you willing to give sorrow? How much of your life are you ready to gamble? We all reach a point where we get sick of our own crap. My friend, that’s when the magic happens. That fire in your belly for wanting more for yourself and your loved ones – it’s the stuff that dreams are made of, and we often give up on our dreams before we give ourselves a chance. We often don’t think there’s hope.
Take your life by the horns, my friend. It’s waiting for you. Will there always be painful and challenging things that put a boulder in your way? Of course. Life isn’t a fairy tale or movie. But, why write the final chapter before you’ve lived all the chapters in-between? Resiliency is learned through experience and growth, a by-product of suffering. I don’t care which way you slice it. It’s just some people are more willing to allow the unfolding than others. Fear and resistance keep the rest stuck in the past.
The future will not be found in the past. It took me 30+ years to discover this. That said, our pain often becomes our message. And, maybe that’s just a part of my walk here on earth. I don’t know. As a podcast guest stated recently, “I feel more awake now than ever.” And you know what, this woman lost her 17-month-old son suddenly. A loss I cannot even fathom. So, please don’t take it from me; tune in to the podcast and hear the stories of hope for yourself—just incredible stories I am honored to share with listeners. I feel so inspired by their faith and trust in what is possible for them. And, for a time (like myself), they didn’t see it for themselves, either.
There are gifts of grief (i.e., emotional dis-ease/suffering). Get empowered by what is possible, regain emotional control of your life (and body), and watch that list above fade into the rearview.
P.S. Need a lifeline of hope? Reach out to me. Here to serve and create more healing ripples in the world.
Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, Reiki, Resources |
Carrying grief is exhausting. It ripples into every corner of your life, dimming our light and brightness along the way.
Grief is a burden we all shoulder, and despite the passage of time and positive thinking, we are unable to bury it or wish it away.
And many of us do not even realize this load on our shoulders; causing us to snap at our loved ones and reach for food, alcohol, and other crutches to numb and pacify ourselves for a short time.
Grief is not spoken about and because of this, we don’t even realize how it is preventing us from living the life we desire to lead.
Have a listen to my guest appearance on
Michelle’s Podcast in preparation for this workshop. This is a great conversation where ample examples are given of the different ways grief presents itself.
My beautiful friend, Michelle Marsh (Aromonosis Coach + Facilitator, Podcaster, Writer, and Natural Living Advocate) is bringing me into her community to hold a Grief Healing Aromanosis Experience. With her expertise in the area of hypnosis, aromatherapy, and holistic wellness, and mine in all things grief + reiki, we are bringing our hearts together to facilitate this very special healing workshop.
Is this workshop for you? If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you may already identify yourself as a griever. If not, I encourage you to check out my podcast, Grieving Voices, where I offer bite-sized, weekly grief education.
Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss or any change from what is familiar in life. It is the emotional response to change. It can be defined as a feeling associated with the things we wish might have been different, better, or more in any relationship. Whether it is with a person, a pet, a job, an educational experience, or even a place of residence doesn’t matter. Grief can be a result of unmet hopes, dreams, and expectations in any relationship as well.
The Ways Grief Manifests
Some people find that the confusing feelings that grief generates interfere with sleep, while others find it challenging to get up and function after waking up.
Some people find that they feel sad or cry over things that never seemed to bother them before.
Many find themselves longing for that relationship lost, and others find, especially when they discover that friends seem to be able to offer little meaningful help, that they lose some of their ability to trust others.
Some find themselves easily irritated, while others do not have the energy to feel much of anything.
For some, the memories leading up to and including the moment of loss overshadow all of their fond memories of that relationship.
Simply stated, grief can be overwhelming! Just as overwhelming can be the labels that are put on grievers and the advice that they are given.
To gain FREE access to the LIVE workshop, enter your details below and I will send you the Zoom link on Monday, September 14th. The workshop will be at 7:00 AM CST on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020. My friend, Michelle, is located in Australia, where it will be evening. No worries – by signing up, you’ll receive the recording! However, if you can make it LIVE, it is highly recommended. 😉
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You can learn more about Michelle and her Aromanosis Membership HERE. For questions about the Aromanosis Membership, email Michelle directly.
