Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Personal, Pespective |
Goodbye 2020, Helllllllo 2021!
Looking back has its benefits.
I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that most people prefer to leave the past in the past.
I, however, have found a lot of benefit in looking back. If we don’t look back, we don’t have the conscious awareness of what we don’t want to bring into our future, do we?
This year, I imagine 99.9% of people are ready to put 2020 in the rearview. But for others, 2020 brought many blessings, too. It comes to perception and personal experience. Every one of us experienced 2020 differently.
The one truth we all share, though, is that 2020 taught every one of us something.
What lessons have 2020 brought you?
Here’s a rundown of what 2020 taught me:
Peace is found within.
Context: Over the past two years, I’ve experienced exponential growth through doing my personal heart-work in grief recovery and through what I’ve learned about energy through my Reiki practice. When I have felt the most confused or found it difficult to make a decision, I’ve resorted to my own inner guidance. We all have it. And we all have access to it whenever we want. But, it’s like a muscle to train your monkey brain to turn off long enough to tap into it. It’s not just about meditation, though. It’s tuning in to your body signals and feelings. So few want to tap into their feelings because it’s painful. But why is it painful? Because there’s healing that needs to be done. We can look at all sorts of outside means to numb our emotional dis-ease. However, those things are short-lived and ultimately disconnect us further from our true selves. Your body, and your feelings, are your guideposts to where there’s an opportunity to grow and heal.
Healing comes in all shapes and sizes, too. There are ways to heal through spending time with others; doing activities that enrich your mind and body; or even the simplest things, such as sleeping and eating which both nourish your body, allowing you to better deal with the day-to-day. We have all become accustomed to our routines, but that doesn’t mean your routine is necessarily healthy. I’ve had to become an observer many times of my routines; acknowledging when I’m “falling off of the exercise wagon” or when I’m missing meals.
I have also learned that it’s okay to ask for help. I sought out Reiki practitioners for energy healing sessions, and have worked with other Grief Recovery Specialists to continue to do my personal grief work. Where some choose to seek a therapist through a local doctor or Mental Health Providers, I have sought more holistic means. Neither is right and neither is wrong. What is right for me is not necessarily what is right for others. I am partial to the paths of healing that have found me because they worked – and continue to work.
There is no challenge where I can’t rise to the occasion.
Context: I thought about and stewed over starting my podcast for nearly a year before I actually launched at the end of June this year. Once I decided to jump headfirst (not knowing what I was doing), I began researching. The very first thing I landed on was the name, Grieving Voices, which came to me like a lightning bolt one day (kind of like the name of this site and business, The Unleashed Heart, and my sister-site, The Guided Heart). I then found the perfect artist to create the cover art. Femke, the artist, will also be doing the illustration for my future children’s grief book. I learned that my intuition is never wrong in this process. I’ve utilized my intuition when seeking guests and directing every conversation, and it’s been a wonderful experience. I’ve grown as an interviewer, refining my skills as I go, and have enjoyed the variety it brings to my life. It’s been wonderful connecting with other grievers from all over. Has it always been easy? No. Have there been learning curves from editing to software and everything in-between? You bet. And, you know what? I would’ve been missing out on it all had I never followed my inner-guidance and just started the damn thing. Nearly 30 episodes in and, I am very much looking forward to my son’s 16th birthday when I will celebrate my 100th episode on the same day! Keep on keeping on…you can do hard things, too! We may not know the how, but it’s in the process of learning where we grow.
Just because you build it, that doesn’t mean they will come.
Context: January 8th, 2021, will be two years since I launched The Unleashed Heart. What a trip it’s been! It’s been a constant evolution since. And, having been an entrepreneur for 10 years before The Unleashed Heart, I knew that having your own business takes grit and a whole lot of patience. Just because you create something doesn’t mean people will buy it. People don’t buy what you do; they buy who you are. As the business owner, people are essentially buying the essence of who you are in your brand. I learned this in my previous business. However, what 2020 taught me is that grief can be a hard sell. I’ve had talks where two people showed up. I’ve been a co-presenter with less than a dozen. And, I’ve done all the leg-work to create an online presentation where no one showed up. Grief is tough. And, when it comes to grief, there will be two camps of people: those who are the “rip off the bandaid” type and those who need more time. I’ve encountered a good mix of the two camps. But, for the vast majority, most need to feel safe first. So, that’s what I’ve been working to do these past two years. Show people that I am a safe person. I’ve had to learn to go first, publicly, even when it was uncomfortable. I’ve had to allow myself to be vulnerable in ways I may not have been quite ready to do. Doing this work has stretched me beyond my comfort zone. And my heart has opened up even more in the process. I’ve actually grown to love myself more, too. There are lessons in rejection. And, rejection is usually never about you. It’s more often than not about the other person and their unresolved “stuff.” Take ownership of what’s yours, and bless the rest.
Celebrate your wins along the way.
Context: If there is one thing, my dear friend, Patsy, taught me this year is the importance of celebrating our wins. I often downplay the success I’ve had because it seems to make some people feel uncomfortable, like happiness. And, isn’t it true that we often downplay our joy? We quiet our enthusiasm to match those around us. Okay, well – this isn’t entirely true about me because I will do about anything to bring some life to a room. But, for the most part, when it comes to our successes, so many of us shy away from truly celebrating. Get a promotion? Share it on social media! Let people cheer you on! Allow people to support you! Do you know where this inability to receive kudos often comes from? Our childhood. Many of us are raised to be humble and not boast. Many of us are also raised to believe that to earn it requires hard work or doing things one normally wouldn’t do, or that success requires struggle. And that to receive, there has to be a checklist of boxes marked off first. I know this mentality well because I grew up in a home of lack, where there was never enough to go around. It’s a hard belief system to crack, and it’s taken over a decade for me to unpack and let go of all of that generational learning. One thing that helped me was doing my inner-work. So, I’m celebrating 2 YEARS of The Unleashed Heart, soon, the 1st anniversary of my first Reiki client, and this summer, 100 podcast episodes! I also plan to celebrate conquering the lizard pose, creating systems, and hiring a V.A.! Celebrating isn’t boasting. Celebrating is as much giving love to the self as it is receiving it from others!
Support is gold.
Context: Until 2019, I hadn’t sought out any support. In that year and 2020, I’ve learned the value of support. When we have people who may be farther along than we are, others who have an expertise that supports our growth, or push us to keep going or cheer us on – it’s pure gold. I cannot imagine where I would be without the support of mentors and accountability friends from which I allowed myself to receive help, support, or guidance or who were in my corner. Friends are and can be a wonderful support system. However, when you need someone who is, like I said, farther along the path you’re on or who understand the trenches of entrepreneurship, it’s imperative to your growth that you allow yourself to be supported. I say it all the time, but we don’t heal in isolation; rather, we heal in communion with others. So, too, is our growth. We certainly do grow on our own. However, if you want to quicken the pace, nothing speeds up the process other than a willing spirit combined with a helping hand.
There you have it – my five lessons from 2020. I very well could have come up with many more. This week, I’ve spent a bit of time re-reading my journal entries between 2017-present day and – Woah! That’s actually where the inspiration came from for this blog post. It’s so important we look back, and I was reminded of how much I’ve grown, more than anything. I’ve gotten much better at taking a step back from a situation, seeing it for what it is, from the other person’s perspective, and letting go of what is out of my hands.
Do you have a word for 2021? Last year, my word was connection. This year, it is balance. It is through foundations, systems, and momentum where I will find and learn all about balance. It is something I’ve struggled to maintain between family, day job, side-hustling, and self-care.
What do you think about the five lessons I shared?
Do some of my lessons also apply to your life?
What have been some of yours?
Wishing you and yours a prosperous, healthy, and joyful start to 2021!
P.S. I have one spot available for Grief Recovery online. The spot available is for either Wednesday morning or Thursday evening for 7 weeks. I am hoping to start another group in my local area later this Spring, however, that is completely dependent on Covid-19. Email me at [email protected] if you’re interested in learning more or, book a free consultation.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness |
What does contentment have to do with grief?
Let’s start by looking at the definition of contentment.
The dictionary definition of contentment is a state of happiness and satisfaction.
We can all agree that when it comes to grieving, we may experience states of happiness. However, how often do we feel satisfaction when we’re grieving?
The Grief Recovery Institute defines grief as the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. Furthermore, it is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. It’s also anything that we wish would have been different, better, or more.
If we look at these two definitions and reflect on our lives and our experiences, the question then is: how much satisfaction do we have with our life?
If we don’t have satisfaction with our lives, what is often present?
Stress.
What is often the byproduct of grief?
You guessed it……
Stress.
I was talking with a dear friend recently. I asked her (after sharing the epiphany I had this week about my energy and the dots I connected to when I was a kid – future blog post coming on this!) what replenishes her energy when she’s feeling drained. Her reply? Helping others – whether it is showing kindness, finding a resource, connecting people, etc…
Her response got me thinking. She and I both got our start in the medical field, doing healthcare work with the elderly. She’s furthered her healthcare career and is now in a position where she’s given the opportunity daily to replenish her energy. She loves what she does and feels fulfillment and satisfaction because it fulfills who she is – a Helper.
So, this conversation with my friend got me thinking more about contentment and how we find it in our lives. When we have days where we feel like all hope is lost. We don’t feel like we have a choice in our lives because of the card(s) we’ve been dealt. That how things are – always will always be; we’ll always feel the way we feel because the circumstance itself will never change. It is what it is. What is there to do about it? We can’t change what happened to us.
So, I went to the internet to find podcasts about contentment and if anything is ever mentioned about grief. I didn’t find much about contentment and grief. Still, I did find a podcast called “Finding Contentment” from, interestingly, The American Institute of Stress, and every single episode is about, you guessed it – stress!
In this episode with endocrinologist and research scientist Dr. David Fryburg. The following are excerpts and CliffsNotes from this conversation that talks about the toll of stress (including Covid-19) on our bodies and mental health.
Stress…as being a primary cause, in my view, of a large number of disorders: heart disease, stroke, hypertension, diabetes, also wrapped in obesity, drug abuse, etc..and some would even say the data support cancer. It has this relationship probably because stress response affects the autonomic nervous system…in terms of sympathetic over-activation, which also affects immune function.
In a nutshell, stress generates inflammation in and of itself, according to Dr. Fryburg. When we live in a state of stress, we resort to stress-reducing behaviors that try to “quench the pain,” as Fryburg goes on to add. He adds examples of these behaviors, such as alcohol, drug use, cigarettes, over-eating, decreased interest in exercise, and it all feeds together.
Stress creates a vicious cycle that starts with an event or circumstance (i.e., grief-causing event or circumstance), which creates a biological response in our bodies. What follows is the mental and physical disorders and behavioral changes. With illness come new stressors, and that’s how stress (i.e., grief) becomes a vicious cycle that feels impossible to escape – as if we don’t have a choice.
What happens as a result of this imbalance in our lives?
Discontentment. Which is unhappiness caused by the failure of one’s hopes, desires, or expectations.
And, what does this definition of discontentment tie back to?
GRIEF! By definition, grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
As I was listening to the doctor and shared in the excerpt, it’s grief at the root of what he’s sharing. Stress and grief are intertwined. You do not have one without the other. And both are compounded the longer we allow the symptoms and the behaviors to persist.
The doctor shared these expressions, which I loved…”The worse it gets, the worse it gets.” But, the flipside of this is…”The better it gets, the better it gets!”
The only word this doctor does not mention in this entire episode is the word “grief.” And this is what drives me nuts. When well-known, influential, or highly educated people fail to call so many of these things for what they are, which is GRIEF! IT’s GRIEF! I wish I could scream it at them. Because, as long as we approach whole health from a “let’s cure the stress,” we’re not getting to the root. Work on losing weight, anxiety, or hypertension all you want – you’re likely to remain under a doctor’s care for these things, and then some as symptoms progress, for years and years. But, get to the root cause of these things, and you pull the weed from the root.
Rather than adding roundup to a weed year after year, why not just pull it at the root?
Don’t you think a better approach to grief (and stress) is the same?
But, I digress. The whole point of this blog post was how do we get to contentment as grievers. And, I’ve found myself on a tangent. I’m just so passionate about this because it is my opinion that this refrain from using the word “grief” in society has gotten us to this place of chronic illness, disease, and an overwhelmed healthcare system (even before Covid-19). We don’t want to talk about it. It’s not “sexy,” it’s not a “buzz word,” when it’s the one thing every single one of us experiences.
Finding Contentment
One tool the doctor mentions to build resiliency to stress is meditation. Meditation calms the “monkey mind.” It quiets the stream of thoughts we are often not even fully conscious of, too. He also mentions dance and exercise. When it comes to exercise, it’s mentioned in the episode to take out the motivation piece and be motivated. Rather, make it be something you do, like brushing your teeth, making breakfast, or doing the dishes. I don’t know – tell that to someone who’s deep in grief or overwhelmed by stress and, they’ll scoff at the simplicity of that statement—I kind of do, to be honest. I’ve gotten on and fallen off that horse more times than I can count. I’ve just let that be okay with me. I get bored easily, and when I have weeks where I have to use a lot of mental bandwidth, I often have less in the physical arena. Those are the times where I may go for a walk or do some gentle yoga. And, it may just be that I sleep in and restore myself in that way. We’re all wired differently, so I do scoff at the simplicity of that idea. But, research also shows that it also takes time to build a habit. And, isn’t that what brushing our teeth and all of those other daily, mundane tasks are – habits, in a way?
Anyway, the actual title of the podcast episode is How Kindness Helps Us with Stress. When it comes to kindness, Dr. Fryburg shares that, in nature, beings that sacrifice for one another within a species are more than likely to flourish. He adds that the giver gets more than the receiver. Allan Luks coined this as the Helper’s High.
The process of going beyond ourselves, which also involves compassion, empathy, and caring, is what psychologists call self-transcendence. In his work of putting together his organization and program called Envision Kindness, he found that the people who volunteered (i.e., connect with others in positive ways) regularly have death rates that are 20-40% lower than those who don’t. He adds that going from contaminated water to clean water has about the same effect. In a nutshell, giving of ourselves has a substantial impact on our lives.
How does this relate to grief (because I can tie nearly everything back to grief)? Those who are isolated (or feel isolated), who don’t feel a sense of connection to others have a mortality rate (20-40%) that is about the same as if they were self-sacrificed with kindness toward others. Dr. Fryburg shares that when we engage in disconnecting activities, such as watching the news and allowing anger, fear, and ego to dominate. So, when you live in poverty or have fewer resources, this is where connection creates a bridge.
But, how do we go about creating a connection (or feeling it) with others when we’ve lost the connection we feel within ourselves?
Here’s where the episode got me excited!
It turns out; you don’t have to move mountains, make some grand gesture of self-sacrifice, quite the contrary. Just by actually seeing images/videos/content or witnessing people being kind to others (or seeing giving connection) has the same effect – just by seeing it. People feel more compassionate, generous, calmer, more grateful, and optimistic as a result.
You not only are what you eat. You are what you see. – Dr. David Fryburg
Through his work, Dr. Fryburg is working on getting more and more healthcare systems to stream kindness-focused content (in the form of video and still photos) into waiting rooms. These places are high-stress environments and, from an energetic stand-point, emotionally heavy as well. Referring back to the study that found what we see, in terms of kindness, has the same effect by doing – instantly, this changes the entire feel of the environment and the emotional state of the person seeing it. I LOVE this idea!
We can be agents of change, by our own agency, with the energy of disconnection or stress or with the energy of kindness. We have a choice. And, we have a choice when it comes to grief, too. This episode mentions how stress is contagious. There’s also a tip if you’re a dog owner. Our pups often reflect us the state of the environment in which they’re in. So, when thinking about stress being contagious – our pooches pick up on the stress as well.
What To Do When You Feel Overwhelmed
What is Dr. Fryburg’s advice for those who are overwhelmed and don’t know what to do? When you’re trying all of the things – exercise, meditation, kindness, etc.. on your own, and nothing seems to be helping?
Seek professional or guided help. There’s no shame in asking for help.
The gentlemen interviewing Dr. Fryburg even says that when we break an arm, we go to the doctor, but we’re resistant to asking and receiving that help when it comes to our emotions and mental health.
Everyone suffers from stress. However, how we respond (in the moment) may require some additional help and support.
To close, I want to share a win for a current grief recovery client of mine. I have seen, over the course of the last few weeks of going through Grief Recover One-on-One with me, communication in his relationship has improved. He’s shown up for our sessions more vibrant, lighter, and happier. The energy he brings to his sessions lately has been a reflection of the inner-work he has been doing. He continues to have opportunities open up for him in his business, and I have seen his confidence grow. He’s not quite finished, but the transformation has been my greatest joy to witness. The most significant point in bringing this to your attention? He recognized he needed support and has been open to receiving it every step of the way.
What’s important to know is that you have a choice. No matter what you do, don’t take your circumstances lying down. Take life day-by-day, set small goals for yourself that set you up for success, and seek out resources, programs, or people who can help lift you out of stress, grief, and overwhelm.
Grief Recovery isn’t the only thing out there, but it is the only program specific to grief based on evidence. Meaning, rather than being evidence (or research)-based, where parts or components of the program/method are based on practices demonstrated to be effective through research, this method/program, in its entirety, has been demonstrated through research to be effective.
I could probably write another 2200 words on this topic. More to come on this, I am sure of that! In the meantime, what do you think? Which has come first for you – stress or grief? Here to support you and sending love and light your way! Thank you for reading!
P.S. Want to experience a breakthrough as my client has? Click the Contact tab, check out the Grief Recovery info on my site, or the Grief Recovery Institute website for more information. Stress, overwhelm – and, at the end of the day, the grief that’s at the root of it doesn’t have to dictate your tomorrow. You have every power within you to direct your energy in a whole new, positive way. And, if you want to feel reprieve right now from your stress, consider a Reiki session with me (distant or in-person – in-person sessions are subject to Covid-19 precautions during this time).
Educational, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective |
Have you ever had a re-framing thought that completely offered a new perspective? A different way of looking at a situation that totally flipped your heart and feelings towards a situation that eased your suffering?
Two phrases came up repeatedly for me in 2020. I thought I would share them with you because, my friend, they helped ease so much unnecessary suffering. And, feel free to share this as “life-coaching” advice to your bestie the next time they express their hurt or frustration, particularly towards another person.
The two phrases are:
I don’t know what I don’t know.
and…
Consider the source.
Think, right now, about someone who has left you feeling a bit jaded. They may have seemed to be aloof, flaky, not being the supportive friend as you believe they should be, etc. Now, apply either one of these two phrases to that situation.
Let’s take the first one: You don’t know what you don’t know…
- Could they be feeling ill lately?
- Have they received some terrible news (perhaps related to finances, family, or themselves) and haven’t communicated that to you?
- Or, maybe they don’t know how to be there for you. They may feel like they’re doing just fine in that department while balancing their own life demands.
How often do we learn of the tragic news of someone who completes suicide, and it completely catches us off-guard. We’re baffled because “they seemed fine.” Or, we learn that someone has been suffering at the hands of an abuser. Maybe, too, the stress of finances, children, and life itself is just really taking a toll mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually on another. (SO MUCH GRIEF IN ALL OF THESE, BTW)
We grieve all sorts of situations in our lives. And, grief often makes us feel (and operate in life) out of sorts. Consider, too, that when you feel like you’ve been wronged, there’s another human on the other side of that emotion. You’re allowing that situation to take up your valuable brain and heart space and filling it with anger, resentment, frustration, or whatever you’re feeling towards the other. When in reality, there may be a valid explanation for the behavior of the other person.
‘Tis better to think the best of others than ruminate and stew on a self-created story.
Now, the next one: Consider the source…
- Has that person always been that way? But, when it counts (and they’re made fully aware of what’s going on), have they been there?
- Would they intentionally be avoiding you (or the situation)?
- Have they done so in the past?
If the latter is the case, then perhaps you need to re-think your friend circle and those you rely on in tough times. Or, take a hard look at how you communicate your needs to those you care about and those who care about you in return.
When considering the source, think about who they are as a person, why you have that person in your life, the value they bring to your life, what they have been going through, what they’re experiencing, etc.
Say, and apply, these re-framing statements to any relationship. Seriously. You can consider these two phrases in your relationships with co-workers, the rude store clerk, your best friend, or your spouse/significant other.
A shift in perspective can change EV-ER-Y-THING.
If you do this, let me know how it changes a situation/relationship in your life for you! I’d love to hear how this tip helps ease you of so much unnecessary suffering.
P.S. Did you find this blog post helpful? If so, I’d love for you to share it because sharing is caring! And, I care about others, not necessarily suffering. I bet you do, too! 💕
Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective |
Intention isn’t something we often give, well…our attention. However, if we give it a little thought (and a little love), bizarre and synchronistic things can come about as a result.
This point was recently made apparent to me in a conversation I had with a friend. She wasn’t too thrilled about an upcoming situation, and I asked her how we could reframe her perspective. I told her rather than going into it thinking about where you’d rather be and all hum and drum and doom and gloom, think of the opportunity that is there to share your light. Just be you – because you never know who needs to hear what you have to share and what opportunities will come out of it. I told her to set the intention for what she desires before she even goes. And I was thrilled when she shared that it went even better than she imagined!
I had this happen to me many times over as well. You see, it’s easy to think of the worst-case scenario. It’s easy to project what we think will happen in the future. But, if there’s one thing that energy work has taught me is this: our thoughts have energy. And, when we set an intention of “it’s going to be horrible” before the word “go,” then guess what – we’ll probably get what we intended.
What if, instead, we took a few moments to put a different energy into a situation? What if, instead, we took a few minutes to envision how we prefer a situation to go and see it play out in our minds before we go into the situation? What if, instead, we set an intention for our entire day? What a concept, right?
Some may call this manifestation. I prefer to view it as intention, which makes me feel like I am playing an active role in creating a life I desire. Kind of the whole point of living, isn’t it? To bring our soul’s purpose, a life of fulfillment, and the best of who we are to everything we do and everyone we know?
Think about it. What energy have you brought into a situation before you went in and how accurate were you on the result? I bet you were pretty accurate – whether your mind went with doom and gloom or intended joy. I can think of so many situations in my own life where this has accurately played out. No matter which way I slice it, it comes back to the energy I was putting into the situation before it even played out.
This is the key to manifestation; feeling into the intention of what you desire.
Work on this one thing this coming week. If there’s an uncomfortable conversation, situation, or experience ahead that gives you some feelings of ick in your heart and mind, then do this one thing. Set aside some time every day, or replay your desired outcome in your mind as often as possible, leading up to the upcoming conversation/situation/experience, and let it go from your mind, all the while holding the energy of the experience you desire to have instead.
If you do this, please let me know how it goes! I love hearing these kinds of stories; they make me smile!
I’m reminded of this quote by Henry Ford:
Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re right.
So too, whether you expect doom and gloom or joy, you’re right.
Food for thought this Friday.
P.S. Sports have been put on hold for my kiddos for a time. Do you know what that means? More availability for Reiki sessions! Check out my schedule HERE for availability. I had a bunch of sessions snatched up this morning, and there are still TWO Saturday Slots open on Dec. 5th!
Educational, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective |
Do you like to play dodgeball? You know, the game where balls are thrown at you with the goal of getting you out of the game? And, you hope that you don’t end up with a bloody nose by the end of it?
Imagine your thoughts being the ball and your heart and physical body are on the receiving end. And, consider how many times during any given day you are the one throwing the insults in the direction of yourself.
The most important conversation we need to have when we do this is not in our heads. Rather, the most important conversation we need to have in moments like this is the one we have with ourselves and with our hearts.
We have more than 6,000 thoughts in a day, according to a study conducted by researchers at Queen’s University in Canada. Also, according to the study,
Anxious or racing thoughts, negative self-talk, worry, and overthinking are hallmarks for people who know the challenges of dealing with mental health diagnoses like anxiety and depression. These conditions affect a growing number of Americans.
- Anxiety disorders affect 1% of people in the U.S., making it the most common mental illness.
- According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, “anxiety disorders develop from a complex set of risk factors, including genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events.”
I’ve been reading the book, “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It,” by Kamal Ravikant. In it, the author shares how he turned his life around by using a self-love practice, which he found by doing more of what made him feel better. At the core of this practice is telling himself every single day, throughout the day, that he loved himself. I’m not quite half-way through the book, but so far, my takeaway is that this book reinforces what I learned through grief recovery, and that is: We can’t heal the heart with the head. We certainly don’t heal the heart either by all the garbage we tell ourselves on a daily basis. All this does is reinforce the beliefs we have about ourselves, thereby, reinforcing the repeated patterns of behavior that keep us stuck in our lives.
So, I’ve been working on implementing my own “self-love” practice, and it does include principals taught in this book. Along with the other healing modalities I have learned along the way (grief recovery education and the practical tools it provides along with reiki), I feel like I am leaving 2020 more emotionally resilient than how I came into the year. Also, far more prepared for whatever 2021 may bring, too. I’m working on changing the conversations I have with myself.
The majority of us have spent years in self-loathing. The opposite of self-loathing is self-love. And, it’s a sport most of us need a lot of practice in, in order to see our hearts transformed. The timing of coming across this book is uncanny and very synchronistic. So, I’m fully embracing it and trusting that it’s a part of the process I’m ready to dig into for my own healing.
If you desire change in your life, it starts with the most important conversation you need to have – the one with yourself and your heart. When was the last time you asked your heart what it needs?
This year, I learned this from a mentor, and I keep a post-it with this written on it, above my desk, where I see it every single day.
I am where my attention is.
Who would I be…
What would I do…
and
How would I feel if I already had…
Where do you want your attention to be as we bring 2020 to a close?
Where do you want your attention to be in 2021?
Healing is my jam. To bring my best light and my best self to the work that I do, I need to work on clearing out my own gunk. Put another way, as Kamal Ravikant mentions in his book, I need to keep bringing out the rag and clean my windows.
Maybe you’re not looking to be a healer-type person. That doesn’t matter. Because I would bet that what you really want is to feel better and to live your best life. Am I right?
Start within and listen to the guidance of your knowing heart.
P.S. We start by asking ourselves better questions. If you’ve never listened to my podcast, Grieving Voices, the first 12 episodes are a great start! You’ll be doing all sorts of reflecting and asking yourself all kinds of questions as you listen. Take it one step further and grab a notebook and pen and put your thoughts on paper. We can turn our screams into whispers…trust me. (Side Note: “When Screams Turn Into Whispers” is a book title for someone I interviewed for the podcast recently – such a great episode on bipolar disorder that I can’t wait to share)
Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Stories, Growth, Pespective |
Have you seen the Netflix Series, Cobra Kai? It’s a follow-up comedy-drama to the characters of The Karate Kid, the coming of age movies from the 1980s.
My husband had started watching it, and not intending to, I actually got into it myself. It’s actually pretty funny at parts, but too, is relatable as many of us grow up not being the popular kid in school. Many kids also have parents who shoot down their dreams; even parents that take it further and put them down.
Watching the show inspired this blog post, along with many of the conversations I’ve been having lately with grievers for my podcast, Grieving Voices.
Grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve heard stories of all kinds of loss. The one common thread through many losses is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
Whether it’s been a career you didn’t chase, a degree you put on the back-burner, a child born with special needs, or chronic illness that has taken over every aspect of your life – there is a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
Which is…what again?
GRIEF!
The Cobra Kai series takes the viewer back to the character’s “glory days,” past and present decisions made, and experiences in the present that cause “flashbacks” if you will. We all experience these moments as adults. As kids, many of us have felt, at one time or another, that our lives were meant to go a certain way based on our current reality, or we had some sort of expectation (or hope) of how life would turn out.
As a kid, I wasn’t coordinated. I did not have athletic ability. As I’ve watched this series, I related to the kids who had been picked on and had my own flashback moment. Even watching the latest season of Bachelorette, where Clare shared how she was teased as a kid, is something that has stuck with her and, I resonated with her story. There are a lot of hurting people out in the world hurting people by being bullies. And, bullies aren’t just on the playground. They’re by the water cooler, in the public restroom, at the checkout line, sitting in the cubical next to you, or maybe even in your own home.
I am not making this blog post out to be a pity-party. I’ve learned to flip that script. I feel strong in body but more importantly, far stronger in mind – mentally and emotionally. But, what if you don’t?
Were you an insecure kid? Or, did you start out with confidence but then life-experiences later in life change all that?
How do you repair the feelings associated with a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations (i.e, grief)?
The action steps of doing just that are what we do in grief recovery.
Don’t let grief that originated from the past dictate your future. Do you want to put 2020 in the rearview and begin 2021 with an emotional clean slate? Email me about how I can help you go into 2021 by shedding the layers keeping the authentic you hidden behind the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
