Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I’ve changed as a parent, and in my parenting style, since completing grief recovery and certification.
Before grief recovery, particularly in the last five years, I recognize that the anger I’ve carried within me since childhood has often gotten the best of me. As a newer parent, when my children were young, the pressure of taking care of the kids in the day-to-day (often alone) was very isolating and overwhelming. It makes me sad that I don’t feel like I truly enjoyed those years as much as I could have. But, when your spouse’s job takes them away, often for days at a time, you don’t have time to dwell on such things. You simply carry the parenting torch sleep-deprived and, in my case, with anger, too.
I can’t imagine what it’s like for the parent left behind when their spouse deploys. I have much admiration for the parents that carry the parenting torch alone when their spouse deploys – which, comes too, with grief for all involved. And, I certainly have empathy when a parent is left to parent alone when it’s due to the death of their beloved.
What Grief Recovery Taught Me about Parenting
What I have come to know and learn through grief recovery work is we all, each and every one of us, carries our inner-child within us. And, we all carry the stories, bruises, hurt, sadness, etc. that we experienced in childhood, too. We learn at a young age how to cope, or rather, not cope, with all of our emotions. We will continue to parent our children in the present with a veil of sadness, anger, or hurt we carry unless we own and heal our inner-child. We will also teach from a place that lacks boundaries – because we teach what we know.
If we were raised by our parents getting anything and everything we wanted and never had to take responsibility for our actions, what are we learning? Similarly, what if we never had to experience consequences resulting from our behavior? Or, on the flip side, what if we’re raised by dictating, rigid, controlling parents? We, too, will raise our children this way. My point is, no matter which camp you were raised in, you likely have some grief as a result. Parents who bail out, excuse, and over-indulge likely didn’t share an emotional connection with their child – or didn’t know how; the important stuff was swept under the rug. On the flip-side, those who raise their children in a dictating, rigid, controlling way – likely, too, lack emotional connection with their child.
In full transparency, I fell into the camp of dictating and controlling and, until grief recovery, hadn’t recognized that’s what my parenting style had been. This parenting gig is the hardest job ever. By no means, are there any experts because we all learn along the way because, too, every child is different. The consequence of not connecting the dots of our inner-child wounds to our parenting style is that we will continue to raise our kids how we were taught. And, the vicious cycle will continue. The way we learned to process our emotions (or not deal them) as kids, has a direct impact on how we teach our children to deal with theirs.
Consequences of Not Healing Your Inner-Child
Rather than parenting to control, fix, serve, or dictate, we can learn how not to project our pain onto our kids. And instead, approach parenting from a place of connection and acceptance rather than who we think our kids should be. We are born perfect but along the way, we often learn we are less than. So, we do our damndest to become more than – prettier, skinnier, faster, smarter, etc., but often end up self-destructing because of the inner-child saying, “you’ll never measure up.”
Regardless of which way the pendulum swings for you, either way, you likely have self-worth issues. Either you’re always working to reach higher; be, have, do, and achieve more. Or, you’ve never actually believed you had potential in the first place (and did anyone encourage you), so why try?
Grief recovery has been a gift beyond my inner-child wounds; bringing to light the errors of my ways in parenting. It’s allowed me the necessary space to learn and grow and become emotionally healthier for me, so I can better connect and express myself toward my kids. I’ve quit saying, “I’m proud,” and instead of say, “you should be proud of yourself.” You may not think anything of that, but the truth of what you’re saying is that your child has the power to make you feel a certain way. Which, goes against a fact we already know: we are responsible for our own feelings, no one else.
It has been in learning to re-parent the inner-child within me that has helped me grow in my parenting style. I see things in my kids now that I don’t believe I noticed before. Our oldest, 14, is a deep thinker like myself, but he also has big emotions like I do, too. So, I’ve learned I need to remind him he’s responsible for those big emotions, no one else. Our middle, almost 13, has been more open about her feelings than before. I’ve been able to help her understand that our emotions have a direct impact on our bodies. She’s learned that the mind-body connection is a real thing, and I’ve felt more prepared to help her. It was through grief recovery, where I gained the same understanding. And, our youngest, 10, lights up when she’s sharing a story or personal experience, and she never leaves out any details. This has translated into my understanding that she also requires lots of more information to feel secure and confident in situations or in knowing what is happening next.
The amount of awareness grief recovery has brought me is more than I could ever possibly put into words. I’ve said it before, and I’ll repeat it, grief recovery is a gift you give yourself that will keep on giving. Our children were not given to us to fill some need or deficit in our lives. And if you think about it, that’s a lot of pressure to put on another human being. What we crave is the fundamental human need – connection. However, the first (and most important) connection we need to focus on is the one with ourselves. Everything else in our lives flows from that and any issues we encounter in our lives, parenting or otherwise, leads back to us – and our inner child.
Today’s post has been brewing for a while, based on some conversations I’ve been having with others as of late.
Have you ever given any thought to the idea that within difficult relationships, how much power you’re giving to that person when you find yourself having a highly charged emotional reaction in response to feeling wronged or hurt by that person?
That’s a lot of power you’re putting in that other person’s hands, don’t you think? That you’ve handed over so much control of your heart and mind to them on a silver platter?
Or, flip it around, how about the power you have over the other person? Do you relish in it? Do you seek it? If so, in what ways? Why do you feel that control is necessary for you to have? Is it a “get them before they get me” mindset?
Sometimes, it’s a different perspective that helps us flip something in our heart and mind to realize that, wow, this is power I don’t want or need or, shifting ownership of the other person’s thoughts and feelings.
You do not need to take ownership of other people’s thoughts and feelings – those are the responsibility of the other person and frankly, are none of your business. If someone could read your mind and hear your every thought, you wouldn’t like that very much, would you? I know I’d be quite uncomfortable with it. But, hey – imagine it though, for a second. If we all walked around with bubbles above our heads that displayed what we were thinking. Wow! Seriously…you’d never have to guess what someone thought of you or you’d maybe have more compassion or empathy for that person when you see they’re sad but are treating you badly.
We use stories to make sense of the world around us and to process our inner-world. But, what story are you telling yourself when it comes to those relationships with those who’ve wronged or hurt you? That’s the power you’re handing over, do you see that? There is always an emotional energy exchange in relationships. The question is, what part are you going to own? You can only take ownership of your thoughts, your feelings, and your reaction.
Reclaim your power in relationships by creating boundaries of what is yours and what is theirs – to own in the relationship. Like we tell our kids all the time when they’re fighting with each other and say “You make me so mad!” No, my dear, no one can make you mad, you make yourself mad.” They hate hearing it every time. But, it’s the truth. We need to take ownership of our feelings. Rather than saying “you” say “I.” I am so mad. There – that’s more honest, isn’t it? That’s telling the truth – about yourself, right?
This is one of the many gifts of grief recovery I’ve been given. We aren’t taught this stuff in school. Our parents likely don’t teach this stuff to us either because they grew up walking around pointing fingers and blame, too. This is generational learning I’ve talked about in previous blog posts and it’s an epidemic.
Take back your power. And, in doing so, you’re sending it back to the person whose likely been giving it to you, too.
If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, in our society, will benefit from our peace. – Thich Nhat Hanh
A while back on Facebook (and Instagram), I shared the difference between grief and loss. Grief is the undelivered communications that keep you stuck and unable to feel joy when you think about the relationship. Loss is about the feelings of missing the relationship and feeling sad they’re gone.
Just as there are differences between grief and loss, there are differences between healing and recovery, too.
Healing versus Recovery
We can experience healing and feel better for a time; however, recovery has long-term effects that healing may not.
Recovery (grief recovery, in particular) encompasses all parts of ourselves; mental, physical, emotional, and may also include spiritual well-being, too. When we feel like we’re healing, we can feel better in these areas as well. However, you may have to utilize several modes of healing that target specific aspects (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual). Often, the feel-good feelings are experienced only as long as you are participating in those healing practices. Some modes of healing (like meditation) may have a longer-lasting positive influence. But again, they don’t have long-term effects unless you’re continually doing these types of activities in your daily life. For example, a massage feels fantastic for the hour you’re receiving it. It helps heal the muscle tissue and can have you feeling better for a few days afterward. However, once the feel-good feelings wear off, and you go back to your daily life, you’ll be ready for another massage.
Alternative Methods for Healing
Over the years, I’ve incorporated many different modes of healing into my life. For example, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), an alternative treatment for physical or emotional distress. It’s also referred to as tapping or psychological acupressure. People who use this technique believe tapping the body can create a balance in your energy system and treat pain. For me, it had helped to release emotional energy, especially at the beginning of 2014, when I first began to look for ways to help myself feel better.
In 2014, I also began using essential oils (for aromatherapy and overall health versus chemicals). Since then, I’ve created many different blends for all sorts of things. One mix I use religiously (especially when traveling) is a blend for those times I am having gut issues. I keep it in my purse at all times, actually, and yes – it does help me when I am experiencing bloating/gut ache. I recommend checking out this article that shares both sides of essential oils. Use at your discretion and take what you read with a grain of salt. Aside from personal use, I also use Young Living products for my home, like the Thieves cleaner, for example. Also, because I don’t burn candles for an aroma, and, although I do use wax melts, I like the flexibility of scents I have with essential oils, too. It’s all personal preference, but after five years, I still use them nearly daily.
Over the last few years, I’ve also incorporated meditation into my life. I’ve tried several different apps, including Headspace and Calm; however, my latest favorite is the Insight Timer. I also enjoy reading non-fiction in the arena of personal development and spiritual writings, too. On the topic of exercise, we know it’s good for us in all areas of life. It’s also been one of the areas I’ve often struggled to stay consistent with because I tend to get easily bored. I jump from one at-home program to the next, because, as I’m getting older, it’s become more challenging to find something I enjoy doing daily. I do like yoga, and at one point I could do a tripod headstand. However, I feel like it requires so much time. Or, maybe I see yogi’s doing yoga for an hour or more on the regular and feel overwhelmed by that level of commitment. Probably more of the latter.
When it comes to healing and looking for ways to improve our quality of life, ultimately, we must do what feels good, right? All of the things I’ve previously mentioned have been great at helping me to feel better (for a time), but they didn’t help me to recover.
8 Week Emotional Boot Camp
Grief recovery is a journey you take your heart on just as healing is a marathon and not a sprint. I think of grief recovery as a sprint; there isn’t anything else out there that can take you from feeling chained to the past and emotionally bogged down to emotional freedom. And, in eight weeks, as the Grief Recovery Method can. It may not feel good in the process, but anything good for us isn’t always a walk in the park. Remember my mention of exercise? Consider the Grief Recovery Method your 8-week emotional boot camp. I’ve gone through army boot camp and truth be told – my life was changed by both experiences. However, it’s during The Grief Recovery Method, where I grew in ways I only wish I had known about sooner.
Are you ready for your 8-week emotional boot camp experience? Although you will be pushed and challenged in ways you can’t yet understand, I’m a lot kinder than a drill sergeant. At the end of the eight weeks, you’ll see the fruits of your labor – minus the 6-pack, of course.
Join me in my next boot camp…errr…Grief Recovery group. I’d love to have you! I’m looking for at least four brave souls who are ready to unleash themselves of their past hurt. Do you want to move forward in life feeling empowered with new tools for recovery (and healing) that no one can ever take from you? Once you learn this method, you will forever have it at your disposal.
What is your LIFE worth to YOU? What are YOU worth? Are you ready to UNLEASH your heart from your past?
We can begin early August in Wishek if you’re ready. I also want to start a group in the Bismarck/Mandan area if you or someone you know is ready to begin a new relationship to grief. Message me on Facebook or Instagram or email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com to get started!
When I started The Unleashed Heart, I did not know I would become a facilitator for The Grief Recovery Method. The name was a transition from my previous website, The Unleashed Creative, where my goal was to assist entrepreneurs in brainstorming creative solutions to a pressing problem. I’m a solution-finder, researcher, and creative is how most people describe me.
When you look back on your life, are there careers or endeavors that didn’t quite pan out? What if, instead of looking at those moments in your professional life as failures, you viewed them as stepping stones?
Had The Unleashed Creative not panned out, I wouldn’t have reached out to a fellow entrepreneur to work with and The Unleashed Heart would have never been born. I also don’t know for sure if I would have found The Grief Recovery Method when I did.
When you think about your grief experiences, are there any that led you to make a change or a decision that changed the trajectory of the rest of your life?
Because we tend to avoid our pain by replacing the loss and keeping busy, we find ways to do just that. For example, that may mean moving, starting a new relationship too soon, or taking on another job.
Grief is in the Driver’s Seat
You likely have never considered that grief has been the driving force behind some (or many) of your life decisions. When I look back on my life, I know without a doubt in my mind (after receiving an education on grief), that grief caused me to make impulsive, big moves, and practically derail my life, too. In fact, at one point, I knew every daily drink special in town, had several fender-benders, and my license was one ticket away from being suspended. I also incurred credit card debt, too, and had zero savings to my name. I was sterbing (participating in short-term energy relieving behaviors) continuously.
Ways We Avoid Our Pain
What are short-term energy relieving behaviors (STERBS), you ask? Behaviors that are a way of avoiding or preoccupying yourself from your feelings. Adults STERB by shopping, fall into addiction to alcohol/drugs/porn, gambling, food, excess exercise, workaholism, gaming, etc.. Children/Teens STERB, too, with alcohol, sex, exercise, food, gaming, cutting themselves, etc..
The only way to unleash your heart, life, and full potential is to unleash your grief.
Rid yourself of the ball and chains of undelivered communications and pain within relationships with both the living and the dead. Also, fully let go by learning to forgive in a healthy way that does not require you to confront a single, living person, and that also enables you to forgive even those who’ve died. Incredible, right?
There is a method and a way to heal; however, you need to be willing to have an open mind and heart. In The Grief Recovery Method, you must be willing to confront all of the feelings you’ve done your darndest to avoid.
My most favorite place to be is on a little slab of concrete outside my patio door. We have an apple tree and another tree that’s really quite messy but offers shade. I love putting out a bird feeder in the apple tree. It’s funny to watch the birds start to get a little feisty with each other. Just this morning, too, I saw a blackbird chase away a squirrel. I later found, up high in the messy tree, there was a blackbird nest. The mother bird was doing as God intended and was protecting her young.
My Favorite Place
This week, the mornings have been nothing short of glorious. It’s been calm, perfect weather, and nature is bursting with life. I have immensely enjoyed my mornings this week. My attitude and spirit have been elevated, too. As I am writing this, I am sitting outside, taking in all the sights and sounds nature has to offer. And for me, it fills my cup. I’ve always been fond of, too, the final few minutes of CBS Sunday Morning where they take viewers to a place in nature and offer a bit of uninterrupted nature time. Here’s my version (audio only, of course), recorded just for you from my patio. Shut out the world and give yourself 30 seconds to enjoy the sounds of nature. Here is my version – recorded from my patio just for you. Shut out the world and give yourself 30 seconds of uninterrupted time with sounds of singing birds. 🙂
We often think we need to get away to “get away” from it all. I have found, all I need to do is step outside my patio door. Nature is God-given medicine. Add in a morning walk (or run, if that’s your jam) at sunrise before the rest of the world wakes up then ask yourself: Is there a better way to start a day? Some would argue – nope, sleeping in is the best. On some days, I would wholeheartedly agree. However, getting out the door is the hardest part. But once you do and return home to begin the day, you realize something happened in your heart and mind that wouldn’t have happened had you slept in or chose to get out of bed and go straight to obligations.
I want to encourage you, especially if you live in the northern plains where winter is long and, more often than not – harsh, to truly make a plan to enjoy the beauty nature has to offer while we have the glorious mornings to fully embrace it; it does a healthy (and grieving) heart good.
What is your favorite place? If your heart is grieving a loved one, did they have a favorite place? Perhaps visiting their favorite place would wash you over with feelings of peace and calm? If you feel it would only be painful, perhaps it’s time to address the unresolved grief resting in your heart. I want you to know, it is possible to think of your loved one with fondness and loving memories again and without the immense hurt and pain you’ve familiarized yourself with instead. Skeptical? Reach out to me and I will share how it’s possible or read more HERE.
P.S. Are you interested in taking part in a future Grief Recovery Group? Get on the email list and you will be the first to know of upcoming grief recovery informational talks/group dates and locations. You’ll also receive weekly doses of inspirational goodness from my heart to yours. 🙂
When was the last time you had a fantastic day where it felt like nothing could take the wind out of your sails? You didn’t spend hours being upset about something; where even mother nature provided a goldilocks-kind-of-day to enjoy. Most of us have to think real hard about this question. Because life isn’t perfect, right? And rarely do we have a day that feels as such. Or, is it how we’re choosing to see it? Furthermore, is how we see our days being influenced by the grief we store in our hearts?
Consider, too, for a moment the grief we store in our hearts and then add on our political climate with opposing views, often among family members. Then, tack on our home climate – is it chaotic, frenzied, harmful, or so busy you would forget to be if it weren’t for your phone (this has been me, too, no shame).
Is it any wonder we’re stressed out to the max? Add on the demands of life and life events that occur that are beyond our control and our bodies become the perfect incubators for disease.
I tend to feel drained by heavily social situations and I also tend to take on the negative energy of others, if I’m not mindful. Meditation is wonderful for a mental recharge/reset but how you prevent it is where I was looking forward to hearing her insight. She said that we cannot attach to the outcome and that where the energy is at in others is not our business. It’s a practice of mindfulness; witnessing the energy of others, acknowledging that that is their current experience, and noticing what is going in our own energy space. And then it’s a matter of choosing to not allow ourselves to get into negative energy and doing whatever we can to elevate our own (to put our oxygen mask on first).
Some Things You Can Do to Shift Your Energy Quickly
Remove yourself from the presence of the situation/person.
Saying a prayer or an affirmation to yourself. For example, I am in charge of my thoughts. I decide how I want to feel. God/Angels/Universe, help me to see this situation differently.
Taking a walk in nature is a wonderful mind/body reset, too.
Meditation, as previously mentioned. It doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out process. Even 10 minutes helps! Recently, I learned of a neat technique through a young girl’s youth program in which I’m a mentor. Sit on the floor, put a hand in front of you on the floor with your fingers spread out. With eyes open or closed, take the index finger of your other hand and, starting at the base of your thumb, trace your fingers all the way around your hand, breathing in as you trace your finger moving up and exhaling as you trace your finger down. It’s a very effective calming technique and because you’re focusing on your breathing, it’s also a quick meditation practice that’s easy enough for kids and adults alike that may have never meditated or have tried it but found it challenging. Quieting the mind is hard; however, the point is to focus on deep, belly breathing. Thoughts will come and go and that’s okay. Always come back to your breath; you can’t do it wrong. It may be helpful, too, to count up to 8 in your head as you inhale, and while exhaling, count down from 8.
Listen to uplifting music.
Read positive quotes.
Watch some animal/baby YouTube videos. Seriously, this works. A good laugh is good for the soul.
Reframe the situation. What is one positive thing you can say about what you’ve experienced? What has the experience taught you? How can you carry that lesson moving forward?
The above are generic suggestions for shifting energy quickly. Life is full of challenges and this is not an attempt to simplify or minimize those challenges. Take what is helpful and ditch the rest. It’s a matter of cleaning up our side of the energy space. We are all energy. And, thoughts are energy, too. Thoughts become feelings and feelings become actions. And we back it all up with energy.
Back when I went to Austin, TX for my grief recovery certification training, I mentioned in this blog post meeting a new friend who is a Buddhist. We have kept in touch and recently we had a conversation about how to not take on the energy of others and we discussed the aforementioned. My friend went on to provide a beautiful analogy of our spirit/inner-light. She told me to imagine myself as a candle – “you are a light,” she said. She went on to explain that when you take one candle to light another, the first candle doesn’t get dimmer, rather, it burns just as bright – it’s not losing anything. So, when you’re sharing your light with others freely (without holding on to a certain outcome), similarly like a candle, your light is not extinguished and it’s then allowed the light of others to burn brightly, too. I just found that to be a beautiful analogy for the human spirit. We don’t have to feel like we’re losing a part of ourselves (and giving up our energy) when we help others burn brightly. Rather, we take care of and nurture our (inner) light so we can help others.
Sharing My Light So YOU Can Burn More Brightly
Wednesday night, I gave my last talk before I was planning to start my first Grief Recovery Group. I came into it with a ton of energy, enthusiasm, and excitement! I had two people show up that weren’t even from the community and I left with the same energy, enthusiasm, and excitement – not for me – for them. Why? Because they took action and showed up for themselves. They are tired of the grief weighing on their hearts and lives and have decided to do something about it. I admire them for it because it takes courage. All the while, my heart is sad for those who feel that the pain is more deserving of their heart than the love that is locked away because it’s unable to be fully expressed.
Over the last five weeks or so, I’ve given three talks in three different communities. The first talk had 2 people in attendance. The next talk had 1 person. And the last talk, as I mentioned, 2 showed up. I know there are a lot more than 4-5 grievers out there within a 45-minute drive of me. I know there are.
It is so common that few show up to these talks at the beginning that I was forewarned. Yup, my mentors at The Grief Recovery Institute told me this would happen! Perhaps you wanted to come but you had prior obligations or you had an emergency. I get that things happen. No worries. Who I am directly talking to right now are those who know they’re hurting, whose hearts told them to put their shoes on but whose minds talked them out of it. Because I know that’s exactly what was happening and what I was told would happen.
What’s Possible
We all reach the end of our ropes at some point. Perhaps your hurting heart is just not there yet. And, that’s okay. There is no timeline to grief because truthfully, you’ll never be rid of it. Never. The love has nowhere to go when you’ve lost the one you were giving it to. However, it is possible to think of your loved one and not be taken back to the deep grief you’re currently feeling. It is possible to think of your loved one and remember the happy times more than all the things you never got to say, wish you would’ve said, or all the memories you’ll never share again. It’s living alongside grief. It’s actually living – moving forward beyond the grief that is possible.
I can’t want this for you more than you want it for yourself. If this resonates with you and you feel a tug in your heart to join those who’ve decided to take this journey of healing, you have until Wednesday, May 29th, at the latest to join. We actually start next Wednesday, the 22nd, however, week 2 is the cut-off date. After this 8-week group, I don’t know when the next group will be held.
Will you choose to heal? If not now, when? If not this, then what?
P.S. If you would like more info or would like to begin your healing journey next week, email me directly at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com OR reach out via Facebook messenger on my page, The Unleashed Heart.
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