How To Support a Grieving Child

Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Pespective | 0 comments

Grief isn’t just about death. I talk a lot about this, but it begs to be repeated.

A child (and adults alike) grieve moving, death of a pet, loss of friendships, death of loved ones, loss of trust, safety, or security.

During this pandemic, I’ve been thinking about the children who don’t have the best home life—the children who may feel isolated due to having their safe space (school) now taken away. For many kids, school is the one place for someone to come to their aid and be their advocate.

Here is an excerpt from this full [opinion] article in The Hill (which I fully agree with):

It is incumbent upon all of us, including courts, law enforcement, education, medical and mental health providers — and even neighbors who may come into contact with young children and families — to continue to be part of a public health approach to child safety during this pandemic. Child maltreatment occurs in all sectors of society, and even healthy families can be pushed to their limits because of severe economic stress and sudden round-the-clock caregiving. We each have a role to play to keep families strong and children safe during this crisis.

I can’t even imagine the child grief that exists now, throughout the world, and how it will impact all of these children the rest of their lives. As a grieving child-adult myself, I know the damage grief can cause when it becomes so much a part of you. However, I also see the tenacity and determination that can come from it as well. Everyone’s path is different, but there are so many influencing factors that will determine the path a child will take into adulthood.

Influencing Factors of Childhood Grief

I believe, what influences a child and their grief most, is the amount of inner-work their parent(s) or guardian(s) have worked through themselves, and their comfort level with grief in general. From personal experience, a relationship with someone important to me suffered for many, many years as I got older, as a result of not only my unprocessed grief but that, too, of those in charge of my care. Albeit, my mother, childcare provider, or teacher – none of which had received education in how to help a child process grief.

It wasn’t until the inner-work I did on my own, much later as an adult, where I felt an immense amount of compassion and understood, for the first time, the sacrifice we make in our lives to hold onto emotional pain. And, this is the work – to get to the root of our grief; pulling it out at the root, just as you would a weed in your garden. As you pull more and more weeds, you also discover even more weeds that need tending.

It is so important, as a parent or guardian, to tend to our weeds. We project our wounds, unintentionally, onto children. Similarly, anyone in a leadership role over children may do this. Hurt people hurt people – even children, and often, unintentionally; hence, the importance of the educational piece. When we have an awareness of what is helpful and supportive, then you will be better equipped to help the child in your care who is struggling.

When we use our feeling words and give voice to how we feel, rather than stuffing down, numbing out, ignoring, putting on a strong face, or even full-body armor (i.e., shielding ourselves from even the good stuff of life), our human spirit is nurtured. These emotions are no longer blocked, and we don’t hurt the people we care about most.

What We’re Taught & Pass Down Generations

Adults must be an example of how healthy emotional processing looks. If you don’t know how to do this, you resort to what you’ve been taught, which is likely all of the unhelpful and even hurtful things that have been passed down generations and that society reinforces, such as:

• Don’t Feel Bad
• Replace the Loss
• It Just Takes Time
• Grieve Alone (Grievers often isolate because of the hurtful and unhelpful things that are said to them and the comparison of losses.)
• Be Strong (for yourself and others – saying: “You are so strong’ or, ‘You’re the strongest person I know” reinforces this message.)
• Keep Busy

A reason why I am so passionate about grief recovery (and the various programs offered) is that it’s an educational program, as much as it’s an action-based approach. For someone to create lasting, meaningful change, one must gain knowledge, gain awareness, change their attitudes, and understand and learn new behaviors. The Grief Recovery Method encompasses and incorporates all of these factors, thereby setting the foundation and groundwork for healing.

Often, people are afraid of healing. Children aren’t, though, they just don’t usually have the guidance to do so. How much time and how much life do you feel you have missed, things you could have done differently, ways your life could have been different, better, or more? That, my friend, is what grief is: anything we wish would have been different, better, or more. And, it’s the loss of hopes, dreams, expectations. Imagine if, as a child, you would have received the tools to help you navigate all the hardships in your life on the way to adulthood. Do you think you’d be in a different place, emotionally, than you are today? Do you think you would have, perhaps, dared to chase your dreams?

Grief has a price. And, we all pay it, because society has not educated itself on this topic. It’s no surprise to me that grief is a hot topic during this pandemic. And, perhaps that’s the gift of Covid-19 – it’s getting a conversation going about this other intangible (but yet palpable) thing that the entire world has always had in common (since the beginning of humankind).

The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.  – William James

You may feel like a complete failure after reading this. I felt that after my grief education. It’s hard to swallow, knowing there is the potential of having done more harm than good. But, when your child has a broken arm, you don’t Google on how to fix it yourself, do you? No, you take your child to an expert. Similarly, when your child is grieving, you should seek the help of an expert – someone who knows how to navigate such things. A person can get along with a poorly healed arm, although, will likely have some aches and pains. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, it isn’t just their arm that suffers and quality of life, in grief, it’s life itself that suffers.

If you don’t know what to do, this post is about where to start. And, if you want to prepare your child for the grief that they are guaranteed to one day experience, I encourage you to reach out to work with me in digging into your own. Committing to going first is the hardest part. And, if you’re interested in going first, click HERE. Next week, I will complete my advanced grief recovery certification, where I will be able to provide grief recovery online. Does seven weeks to emotional freedom sound good to you? I only wish I would have found it decades ago; I cannot imagine the emotional suffering it would have spared me and how much more present (therefore, fulfilling), life would’ve been as well.