Educational, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective |
When you’re struggling with your mental health, you understandably want to do everything in your power to help heal your mind. You may be practicing meditation, you might be looking for a new job, and you may have even cut out alcohol to help minimize the effects on your mind. But did you know that your home can help your mental health? By making a few small changes to your home, you can live harmoniously and help battle through your mental health. Want to know more? Check out these easy yet very effective ways of turning your home into a sanctuary for your mental health.
Open the Blinds More
The sun is a great way of improving your mood, but when you’re inside for long periods of the day (especially during the pandemic), it’s very easy for your mood to slip. Opening the curtains and blinds every day will help let in natural sunlight and contribute to your mood. Not only that, encouraging yourself to do this each day will help you stay in routine and keep your mental health on track. Living in the northern hemisphere, winter is long and (often) harsh. Several years ago, I purchased a sunbox. Over the years, I have found it highly beneficial in supporting my overall well-being, as they also help regulate your sleep cycle and help your body create the feel-good chemicals that are greatly reduced during winter months. I had also realized why I was so attracted to tanning beds during the winter in my 20’s. (P.S.A. Take care of your skin; you only get one! I was lucky, and my dermatologist found a pre-cancerous mole early.)
Set the Temperature
Being too hot or too cold can add to agitation, even for those not struggling with their mental health. When you’re not at a comfortable temperature, it’s easy to become irritated or feel sleepy and lethargic. Consider getting a regulating control with a timer to lower the temp during sleeping hours. It’s thought that sleeping at a cooler temp aids the body in getting more restful sleep. You can always keep a 24-hour AC Service company on hand to come and look at your AC unit should you run into any problems.
Invest In a Comfortable Mattress
Sleep is extremely vital. You may struggle to get enough sleep when you’re battling with your mental health. However, you may also struggle to sleep because you haven’t got the right kind of mattress to not only help you fall asleep comfortably but stay asleep. Getting more sleep will allow your mind to heal, give your body plenty of rest, and significantly improve your overall mood, so it might be worth investing in a more comfortable mattress. In next week’s Grieving Voices podcast episode, I interview Dr. Chris Kerr, and we briefly discuss the effects of interrupted sleep, especially on the older population. He spoke about delirium and how, with reduced sleep, one can become combative and hallucinate. There’s a reason it’s used as a torture tactic.
Fill Your Home With Calming Scents
Many of your senses can affect your mood, and the scents in your home are one of those things. If you’re an anxious person, consider filling your home with the smells of lavender to help keep you calm when you’re at home. After all, your home is a place for relaxing, and the more relaxed you are, the better your mental health will be in the long run. Experiment with different scents to make your home smell beautiful and keep your mood high. My most favorite scent is palo santo. It grows in dry tropical forests and produces very fragrant resin. In Spanish, palo santo means “holy wood.” Its oil, resin, and wood itself have been used for medicinal purposes for thousands of years. I’m very drawn to its scent, diffuse it regularly, burn palo santo sticks to clear negative energy, and often wear my palo santo bracelet. Find what you love that gives you a sense of peace and calm, and you’ll create an anchor of “scent-memory” with that scent. I could go on and on about how our olfactory nerve plays a role in our mood and emotions. But, it’s linked directly to the limbic system. The limbic system is a control center that monitors emotions and memories. Research has shown that odors can affect our mood, concentration, memory recall, and emotions. If you didn’t know, I’m a Young Living Distributor; I have been since 2014. I absolutely love what essential oils have brought to my life!
Bring Nature Indoors
Adding some greenery to your home will not only improve the decor but your mental well-being too. Did you know that plants are known to improve your mood and reduce stress levels? Consider adding a few house plants to your home to help uplift your mood and home! I can’t believe it took me until maybe two years ago to bring plants into my home. If you don’t feel like you have a green thumb, that’s okay. Go to a local greenhouse and ask for easy-care plants. I’ve personally never had luck with succulents; they’re a bit more particular in care. So, if you’re new to plants, I wouldn’t start with those.
De-Clutter
When our environment is cluttered and disorganized, and we’re already feeling cluttered and disorganized within our minds or bodies, our outer environment isn’t supporting a positive shift. Addressing our outer environment can help us shift our mood and mindset. Likewise, addressing what is troubling us in our hearts and minds might be where you want to start. You may be surprised by how you find a renewed motivation to address your home environment, too.
If you don’t believe that clutter impacts our mental health, check out this article from Psychology Today, learn the impact of clutter and how it does not support your mental health.
Create a Sacred Space That’s All Yours
I’m a huge advocate of creating a sacred space that is all yours. And, you may be surprised to learn that it doesn’t take a lot of financial means. It doesn’t require you to remodel your home. I have my office that I call my “Zen Den.” I have this beautiful natural light that fills the space, which once felt like a dungeon due to the tiny basement window. Bless my husband did all of the work himself, having never put in an egress window before. He did an amazing job, but that one thing transformed my love of my office. I feel more inspired and happier in my office than I ever did before. It has a wide window sill where I have a plant, a pretty lamp, a photo of my spouse and me, a yummy-smelling candle, and a small desk calendar with a daily quote.
My “Zen Den” (i.e., my office) serves several purposes. I hold my in-person reiki sessions in this space and have made it a point to make it a relaxing space for that as well, with a small water fountain, Himalayan salt lamp, essential oils, and of course, my “working” desk space.
If you don’t have an office or extra room in your home, you can easily create a corner of your home that is all yours. Put a comfy chair, ottoman, comfy blanket, small side table, a plant, and a lamp. You’ve then created a lovely space to read magazines or books, knit/crochet, connect with a friend/loved one over the phone, watch a movie on a tablet, write/journal, listen to soothing music or inspiring podcasts/books, etc.
I have kids, so I know having the time/quiet to do this may be difficult. However, sometimes getting up before the rest of the house rises for the day could be the most self-caring thing you can do for your mental health. And, if you’re not a morning person, perhaps looking at how sending the kids to bed even 20 minutes earlier can help create the quiet you need to give to yourself – even if it’s only twenty minutes to spend some time doing something you enjoy to decompress from the day. I could create a whole post about this topic alone, and perhaps I will. It’s so important to fill our cups, as we can’t give from an empty (or burned out) one, right?!
I hope you found this post helpful. I’d love to hear if you try any of these tips. Thank you for reading!
Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Growth, Personal, Pespective |
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. — Haruki Murakami
You’ve probably seen that quote before. Maybe you scrolled past it on Pinterest, or someone texted it to you during a hard season. And maybe — like I used to — you read it and thought, “That’s easy for you to say.”
I get it. When you’re in the middle of grief, loss, or heartbreak, the idea that suffering is optional can feel like a slap in the face. Like someone is telling you to just… choose better, choose differently; as if it’s that simple.
But here’s what I’ve come to understand — and what I want to offer you today — because it changed everything for me:
Pain and suffering are not the same thing. And that distinction might be the most important thing you learn on your healing journey.
Pain Is Part of Being Human
No one escapes it. Not one of us.
We lose people we love. We lose relationships, jobs, identities, and versions of ourselves we thought we’d always be. We lose the futures we planned and the expectations we quietly carried for years. In grief recovery, we describe grief as the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations — anything we wish would have been different, better, or more.
That’s a wide net. And most of us are caught in it far more than we realize.
We are taught how to acquire — how to build relationships, earn degrees, grow careers, and start families. But no one teaches us what to do when those things are taken from us, or when they don’t turn out the way we imagined. That gap? That’s where so much of our pain lives.
Pain is real. Pain is valid. Pain is not the problem.
Suffering Is What Happens When We Fight the Pain
Here’s where it gets honest — and maybe a little uncomfortable.
Suffering occurs when we resist what is. When we attach ourselves to what should have been, what could have been, what we wish were different. Suffering lives in the loop of the story we keep replaying.
Let me give you an example I use with clients all the time:
Imagine we’re sitting together, having a conversation, and out of nowhere, I kick you in the shin. Ouch, right? That’s pain. Real, immediate, undeniable.
Now imagine two weeks later, you’re lying in bed at night, and your mind drifts back to that moment. You start replaying it. Why did she do that? What was her problem? I can’t believe she did that to me. The more you think about it, the angrier you get. The more it hurts. The more it consumes you.
Here’s the truth: I’m not there anymore. But you’re still letting me kick you.
That’s suffering. And it’s self-inflicted — not because you’re weak or broken, but because no one ever taught you there was another way.
Rumination Is the Silent Thief of Your Present Life
This is one of the most talked-about struggles in the grief and mental health space right now — and for good reason.
Rumination — the act of replaying painful events, conversations, or losses over and over — is one of the leading contributors to anxiety, depression, and prolonged grief. It’s not the event itself that causes the most damage. It’s the story we keep telling ourselves about it.
And I’ll be the first to raise my hand and say: “I’ve been there, done that, too.”
In the past, I have found myself in a spiral — unable to focus, emotionally all over the place, replaying a situation I had zero control over. Loss of productivity. Emotional exhaustion. That low-grade hum of unease that follows you into every room. Sound familiar?
That’s what unnecessary suffering looks like in real life. It doesn’t always look like falling apart. Sometimes it looks like functioning — but barely.
You Always Have a Choice. Even When It Doesn’t Feel Like It.
Grief has a way of making us feel powerless. Like we’re passengers in our own lives, just waiting for the pain to pass.
But here’s what I know to be true — and what grief recovery taught me:
Time does not heal all wounds. Time only passes.
It’s what you do within that time that matters. It’s the action you take, the awareness you build, the moment you decide to stop letting the past steal your present.
That’s not toxic positivity. That’s not “just think happy thoughts.” That’s the hard, honest work of choosing differently — even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when part of you wants to keep stewing, because at least that feels like you’re *doing something.*
Choosing to release the suffering doesn’t mean the pain didn’t matter. It doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It means you are no longer willing to let it cost you your now.
🎙️ Listen to This Episode of Grieving Voices
If “time heals all wounds” is a phrase you’ve been holding onto — or one that’s been said to you — I want you to hear this episode.
Grieving Voices | Episode 4: The 6 Myths of Grief
“Time heals all wounds” is just one of six myths that society has handed us about grief — and honestly, it might be the most damaging one. In this episode, I walk through all six myths that have been passed down from generation to generation, why they don’t work, and what to do instead.
Because here’s the thing: if time alone healed grief, we wouldn’t still be carrying losses from years — or even decades — ago. It is never about the time. It is always about the action you take within it.
What Does Choosing Differently Actually Look Like?
It starts with awareness. Noticing when you’ve slipped into the loop. Catching yourself mid-rumination and asking:
- Is this thought serving me, or am I just rehearsing my pain?
- Am I processing this, or am I just replaying it?
- What would it feel like to set this down — just for today?
It means feeling your emotions fully — not stuffing them, not distracting yourself, not pretending everything is fine. Grief asks to be felt. But there is a difference between feeling and feeding—between honoring your emotions and drowning in them indefinitely.
And it means taking action. Because healing is not passive. It doesn’t happen to you. It is something you choose—again and again, on the hard days and the okay ones.
Here’s What I Want You to Walk Away With
At the end of your life, will you look back at what’s consuming you right now and wish you had suffered over it longer?
I’m asking myself that same question today.
The answer is always no.
The pain you’ve carried is real. Your grief is real. Your losses — every single one of them — deserve to be honored. But your *life* deserves to be lived. You can’t fully live in the present when you are anchored to the past.
You are not your suffering. And you don’t have to keep choosing it.
If you’re ready to stop replaying the story and start writing a new one, I’d love to walk that path with you.
Struggling with grief that feels like it’s running your life? I’m here to learn how I can support you, match you with one of my offerings, or connect you with other resources.
Educational, Growth, Living Unleashed, Personal, Pespective, Resources |
Today is my birthday! I’m celebrating 42 years of lessons, growth, and the life my husband and I have created for ourselves and our family.
We don’t celebrate enough. My dear friend, Patsy, has opened me up to celebrating more – the big and small moments.
There are days where I feel like I don’t get a single thing done. There are days when I don’t get something done that I intended. There are also days where I get so much done and, at the end of the day, I reflect on the productivity, but I don’t pause long enough to celebrate all that I accomplished that day.
Can you relate? Do you celebrate the little things?
How easy it is to beat ourselves up over what we didn’t do, didn’t get done, or how we didn’t show up. And here’s the thing, and something I’ve learned as recently as the past two weeks. It’s also a lesson I am reminded of that podcast guest, Quandell Wright, shared with me, and I later shared with him when he was beating himself up over some things. The lesson? Take it one day at a time.
While we’re taking life one day at a time, celebrating as we go can lighten our load and maybe even a heavy heart.
When was the last time you celebrated someone else? When was the last time you shared with them something you think makes them incredible and want to celebrate them for just being in your life?
On my birthday today, I received a surprise in my inbox – a personalized gesture of kindness and a message of why I was appreciated. It made my eyes well up being told what I meant to them; it made me feel so loved at that moment. It made me think of ways I, too, can step up my birthday wishes game. I’m still “old school” and send out cards (unless your birthday is at the start of the month – these usually bite me in the butt), but I’ve given some thought today to how I can help to make others feel more special on a day that is to CELEBRATE that special person’s life.
Forty-two years is a long time to learn a thing or two. Lol! And, I feel like, as we get older, celebrating the little things takes a backseat. What are some reasons to celebrate?
- Checking off all of the items on the to-do list.
- Making a difficult call.
- Sending off an application.
- Pitching yourself or your ideas.
- Redecorating a room.
- Cleaning the car (inside/out) and the satisfaction of doing it yourself and seeing your hard work pay off in the end.
- Preparing a nutritious meal.
- Making yourself a priority with exercise X number of times during the week.
- The day of your birth! There’s only one YOU, my friend. You’re like a snowflake! Birthdays aren’t nearly as big of a deal as they should be! They should be a given PTO day, in my opinion!
- Successfully giving up something that’s been challenging to live without.
- A fresh start.
- A new endeavor.
- Reading a book that’s larger than usual for you to read.
Think of all of the things that we take for granted. My middle child fell while rollerblading earlier this week and broke her wrist. She’s learned how to receive help, really, for the first time she’s old enough to understand the impact. She’s a helper at heart. She said it’d been difficult accepting help from others. I told her that God gave us two hands, one for giving and one for receiving, and to receive the help that is given with grace. But, if I’m honest with myself, she’s probably learned from me, attempting to do it all without help. Because that was me most of my life and still is at times. Many of us “helpers” find it difficult to ask for help. But, I guarantee, after six weeks of having a cast and needing help with daily living and personal hygiene tasks, she’ll be humbled. And celebrating all of these little things she can do for herself that she took for granted.
And, perhaps I needed that reminder, too. Celebrate that I have two functioning hands and the cognitive ability to string words together to write and share with you. Celebrate that I don’t need help getting out of bed. Celebrate all of the things I take for granted while so many are experiencing life-altering changes in how they live and are physically able to show up in the world for themselves and others. So many people are plagued with terminal/chronic illness or physical limitations. It’s worth celebrating the ability to physically being able to take a walk. Or, if you are non-disabled, perhaps you don’t live in a safe place, and going for a walk could be a matter of life or death.
I’m starting an End-of-Life Doula training next week and, I already feel that my mortality will be at the forefront of my mind. That all of the little things in life that I fret about will be brought to the forefront and expand into the broader picture of what it means to truly LIVE – and celebrate the little things that make up my life and the legacy I hope to leave behind.
Today, I am CELEBRATING right where I sit on my birthday; who I am, the breath within me, and the temple in which my spirit and soul reside that continues to sustain me and carry me forward. So I can continue to celebrate the little things.
And finally, I CELEBRATE YOU, my dear readers and friends. You are supportive of my mission in life to talk about grief like we talk about the weather, and, for that I am grateful. Let’s CELEBRATE all of the hurting hearts who reached out for help today, around the globe. If you are one of those people, I CELEBRATE YOU. I know how hard it is to ask for help and to receive it.
CELEBRATING comes with receiving. Trust me. It always feels good to feel loved (and to give it, too).
As my dear friend Patsy says, “And Celebrate THAT!” 🥳
P.S. I sent out THIS NEWSLETTER today with information about a Virtual Healing Summit starting next week, Monday, the 8th through the 12th! I will be joining my friend Crystal live in her private Facebook Group Monday at 8 PM CST for Q&A/Discussion. You can find details to register (IT’S FREE for all Summit Presenters all week long), and all that jazz can be found HERE! I hope to see you Monday night! 🥳
Educational, Grief Tips, Pespective |
Saint Valentine is a legend. I mean, consider the fact he was buried in 270 A.D. The story of Saint Valentine reads like a hero’s story. There are three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. In one legend, Saint Valentine was a priest who, after Emperor Claudius II declared single men were better soldiers than married ones, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine disagreed with this injustice and continued to marry young lovers in secret. When the secret was out, he was put to death. There was another Saint Valentine who was a bishop. He, too, was beheaded by Claudius II. There’s also another story that Valentine helped Christians escape the harsh Roman prisons. Once imprisoned himself, he fell in love with the jailor’s daughter who had visited him. Before his death, the legend is that he wrote her a letter and signed “From your Valentine.” Regardless of which of the three Saint Valentine stories or legends you believe, it doesn’t change that he became one of the most popular saints in England and France. And doesn’t change that, centuries later, the romanticism of any one of their heroism sparks the hearts of many today.
Isn’t it romantic, though, to have someone passionately fight for the injustice of others? Isn’t it romantic how all of these Saints were self-sacrificing and ultimately gave their lives for the sake of others? That’s a special kind of love. I suppose you could say it’s the love of humankind.
What has been lost on Valentine’s Day since that time? It’s become so commercialized since that time, and, to be honest, I kind of love those Valentine stories more than the love interest stories we see depicted in society today.
We all love a good hero’s journey story. There is drama, hardship, or challenge, and then the comeback storyline. The main character triumphs over their own challenges and inspires others. I love stories like these and have heard them repeatedly when conversing with guests for my podcast.
What do stories like these have to do with Valentine’s Day? People in these stories became their own heroes. They had enough love for themselves to create the changes they needed to make. What do you think happens when people turn the love to others toward themselves? And, I’m not talking ego-type love or vanity. I’m talking, life has beaten you down, you’ve had enough, and you want to become the best version of yourself, so you take action to do that. You love yourself enough to invest time, money, and resources into yourself. This is radical self-love to me.
So, this Valentine’s Day, like me, you’re not living in Roman times and aren’t facing possible beheading for being self-sacrificing for the love of humankind. But, you may be in a healthy, loving relationship. And, maybe you have the time, money, resources, or ability to give back to humankind in other ways. We have the ability to bring about what Saint Valentine (pick any of the three) made Valentine’s Day out to be – a day to be of service in the name of the love of humankind.
If you find yourself down in the dumps this Valentine’s Day, consider how good it would feel to do something to give back to humankind in a way only you can. Fill your own heart with the love you may be missing from someone else by giving to others or giving that love to yourself. You can declare this Valentine’s Day as a “Self-Love Day.” By the way, this month, I have a theme for my newsletter, and it’s all about self-love. So far, I’ve talked about the power of our breath and challenging ourselves. Curious what those topics have to do with self-love? Sign up here and, I’ll include the links to the previous editions in this coming week’s newsletter, which will be all about boundaries. 😉
What will you do this Valentine’s Day? Make it about the love of humankind or radical self-love? I’m all for both, and there’s no right or wrong. Depending on our circumstances and experiences (for example, this is your first Valentine’s Day without your spouse who died), a small act of self-love may be all you can muster. And, that’s okay. You don’t need anyone’s permission to spend this Valentine’s Day how you please. Know you’re not alone, though, and perhaps someone you know who may also be alone could use some company, too? And, I would bet Saint Valentine would smile upon you for extending your hand to another hurting heart this Valentine’s Day. ❤
P.S. Did you know? If you’ve experienced divorce or estrangement and are ready to work through that relationship, the grief recovery method isn’t just for grievers grieving someone who has died. In fact, we are often emotionally incomplete with those who are living. If you’re ready to move beyond that relationship, get in touch at [email protected] ❤
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Personal, Pespective |
Surviving to Thriving – is this a phrase you can get behind for 2021?
I recently was interviewed for an online event that’s taking place in March that’s bringing all sorts of presenters on the topic of suicide and grief and loss. I talked about how I have seen the transition of traditional in-person support groups moving to the online space.
The online grief community is a wonderful space to be in when you’re grieving, not to feel isolated and alone. However, the caution I want to bring to the table is when “surviving” becomes a badge of honor that goes from being shiny and new to tattered and worn?
I’ve begun to notice how this pattern of “survivor-hood” keeps individuals stuck in their grief. For example, the term “Suicide Survivor” has become a popular phrase. Whether you lost a loved one to suicide or attempted yourself, giving yourself that label eventually does more harm than good.
And here’s why…
We all embrace some identity for ourselves. I am a wife, mother, entrepreneur, podcaster, and writer. By telling anyone these five things about myself, certain assumptions can be made – social profiling, if you will. These are all also labels I identify as. So, in conversations with a group of women you may meet for the first time, as a mother, if someone else mentions their a mom, you will usually mention the same. It’s an identity that you use (and take on and live into) in relating to others.
When it comes to grief, I can say I’m a griever. I identify myself as a griever – a lifelong one at that. There are assumptions one can make about that phrase, too. Shouldn’t I be over it already? The “lifelong” bit speaks to how I identify as a child-griever, too.
All the identities we wear…to relate, understand and make sense of this experience we call life.
But, when do these identities do us a disservice? When do identities do more harm than good?
I’ll tell you…
When they’re keeping you stuck, and you’re not evolving the identity.
What Evolving Looks Like
Evolving looks like new knowledge and tools that you’re implementing to create positive, lasting changes in your life.
Evolving can look like baby steps one day to a lived out, all in commitment the next. For example, maybe you commit to exercising 3 days per week for a month, and the next month you add one more day per week. It’s starting out taking small steps towards positive change and incrementally adding to it.
This applies to healing as well. Maybe you decide to start meditating one day per week for 5 minutes. Once you master that, you add in more days at 5 minutes and then follow up with more time.
Healing takes time; this we all know to be true. We can have an epiphany moment that shifts everything into a new perspective instantly, but we can’t see the label from inside the jar. We must experience life beyond our comfort zone to evolve. And, this holds true when it comes to healing. We also can’t see a situation for what it is when we’re stuck in the weeds. So, surrounding ourselves with others who are also stuck in the weeds doesn’t do much for our growth.
Tying this back to support groups, I’m not poo-pooing them in the least. In fact, I think they serve a wonderful purpose, particularly when they’re action-focused. And, that’s the difference. What good does it do anyone to show up week after week, often not with the same people, to hear stories of others’ deep grief and sharing our own, with no hope that you’ll ever get out of the state of being? This is not thriving; this is surviving.
And, I don’t know about you or your loved one, but my father died at 44. He didn’t get the chance at a full life. His potential and life experience were both cut short. I’m quickly approaching 44 myself. When I turned 40, I knew that something in my life needed to change radically, or I would find myself heading down the same path of dis-ease as my father.
My father had a lot of grief in his life. He was a Vietnam Vet and was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer in the midst of raising young children. Add this grief to all the years of loss experience before it and, I’m not surprised he died young – all but one of his siblings has passed, and all died younger than 70. He grew up like many of us do, learning the opposite of what to do with grief; it’s the generational learning I often speak about. We resort to what we know and have been taught. If you haven’t read my blog post about the six myths of grief, that’s a great place to start.
Anyway, my question for you is, as you reflect on the grief you’ve experienced in your life and that’s stacked up over the years, do you feel as though you are surviving, or can you honestly say you are thriving in your life? Because if you’re not thriving, something is keeping you stuck. It very well could be the company you keep and the support in which you surround yourself.
We don’t get where we want to be in this life by holding on to what is incomplete from the past or sticking with people who are stuck in their past. We can pull people along with us, too, but they have to want to find healing. This is has been one of the biggest challenges for me as a certified grief recovery specialist. I watch people every day, online, ruminate on what can’t be changed. Is there a natural ebb and flow and twisty-turvy experience to grief? Absolutely! It’s definitely not a linear, point A. to point B. experience; not in the least. However, and I can only speak from my own experience, after 30 years of grieving, that boulder on my shoulders only got bigger over time – until I took action.
Time only passes. It’s the action we take in time that matters.
Do yourself a favor, do a check of the Facebook groups you’re in or the online grief accounts you follow that don’t give bring you a sense of hope. If you leave the conversations feeling worse about your life, grief, or situation, that’s your heart speaking to you. I have heard some of the most horrendous stories from grievers on my podcast. But every last one of those souls never lost hope and found a way to get to the other side of the depths of their pain. However long that takes you is your journey, too, so as not to confuse you because there is no timeline for grief. Again, it’s the action you take that matters. Even baby steps matter and compound over time, too.
If I had a magic wand, I would wave it over all of the grievers I know and meet. It would be the magic wand of openness and curiosity.
Until we are open to the possibility of healing, healing can’t find its way to us. And, unless we’re curious, we’re never going to open the door to what could help us heal.
Are you tired of feeling how you feel? Reach out. I’m only an email away. And, now on my website, you can schedule a 90-minute Heart With Ears session to experience a space to be seen, heard, and if you’re ready, a path forward.
I love you, and you can do hard things.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Reiki, Resources, Spirituality |
Grief comes in like a freight train and with it a rollercoaster of feelings that are impossible to ignore. Whether someone close to you has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, a beloved friend or family member has died, a relationship has ended, or chronic disease has entered the picture (or any of the 40+ losses), grief manifests in many similar ways no matter the cause of grief.
Grief opens us up like a gaping wound. It’s important we validate the grief and feelings we’re experiencing from those wounds.
It can be rather easy to close yourself off from others while you’re on the rollercoaster. It’s tempting to do everything in your power to avoid and ignore what is feeling unsettled within you. However, allowing it to fester is reflected in continually disregarding that which is trying to get your attention. Repressing your grief will eventually manifest in physical symptoms or external behaviors.
In grief recovery, we use a tea kettle for an analogy. Like a tea kettle, grief experience after grief experience causes energy to build within us. This buildup of blocked energy is what we refer to in Reiki as byoki. Over time, this built-up blocked energy either causes us to implode or explode – or both. When the steam builds up in the tea kettle, it whistles. Once released, like our emotional energy blockages, the pressure is gone. When the energy is allowed to flow or put another way when feelings are felt and processed, the pressure (or stress, anger, resentment, dis-ease) is alleviated or even removed (if you did the inner grief work).
Why It’s Important to Feel Your Feelings
- Acknowledgment: By acknowledging how we’re feeling, we can’t deny those feelings. Thereby, we’re given an opportunity to either stuff or honor them with time and space. This is a choice we make.
- Openness: By sitting with our feelings, we are actively opening up our hearts and releasing the emotional energy they carry.
- Freedom: Embracing and fully experiencing our feelings provides a sense of freedom when we get to the other side.
- Overall Health & Wellbeing: It doesn’t feel good to experience our feelings fully. However, it sure beats using a bandaid like drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, fantasy, social media use, or anything else where the goal is to distract yourself from your feelings by using these things to feel better at the moment. Because what you’re often left with is more grief due to shame, guilt, feelings of unworthiness, etc.
Grief is a shock to the system on all levels: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. If you want to feel fulfillment in your life, though, eventually, you have to lean into the pain so you can move forward without it dictating and filtering into every area of your life. It’s not weak to allow yourself to feel the despair and vulnerability, any more than seeking help is weak.
Recovery from grief doesn’t mean you forget the love you have for someone. If it was a less than a positive relationship, it’s not about condoning any behavior you feel was an offense against you either. Recovery in either instance isn’t about forgetting either.
Recovery Is:
being able to enjoy fond memories without having them cause painful feelings of regret and remorse.
understanding your potential and no longer allowing past experiences to dictate your future.
claiming your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you and your happiness.
acquiring the skills we should have been taught in childhood.
one day realizing that your ability to talk about the loss you’ve experienced is normal and healthy.
When we lose someone close, it’s common to incorporate rituals and routines for the loss into our lives. This helps us to make sense of what we’re experiencing. Some people also create shrines and memorials in memorial of a loved one. Rituals, shrines, and routines, memorials are ways many grievers use to cope. The way that we feel when we grieve is physically, emotionally, and spiritually painful, and the need to remember that loss is a normal and natural part of our lives. However, these things can also entrap us and keep us leashed to the event’s past.
We desire to find purpose and meaning in everything – it’s human nature. I am no different, despite the training, tools, and education I’ve received about grief. And, I’ve thought about how I’d cope with the loss of one of my children. The honest answer is – I have no way to know unless it happens to me. And so, we can pass judgment on how others are coping with their loss, but in truth, every single relationship is unique. I don’t know whether I would leave their room as-is, or if it would feel too painful, I’d want to change it completely. That’s a form of enshrinement. And, it’s a space that could bring great comfort or it could be a reminder of great sorrow and all of the unmet hopes, dreams, and expectations or anything we wish would be different, better, or more.
The effects of loss infiltrate into every aspect of our lives, often without connecting what’s happening to the grief and loss itself. We can move in tandem with our grief; meeting ourselves where we’re at in the process of time passing. Forcing yourself to move forward doesn’t help you. And yet, we also need to consider, as grievers (and I’ve been a griever since 1987), that there has to come a time when enough is enough. When the craziness we feel within ourselves is a disservice and a hindrance to our overall health and wellbeing.
Grief is as natural as happiness and love.
One Final Thought
I think, spiritually, if we believe our loved ones are always around us, there is no specific room, shrine, or memorial spot needed. We can feel close to our loved ones always and forevermore, no matter where we are. This is the aspect of grief, I believe, that has the potential to offer so much healing to grievers, but isn’t often talked about. I’m definitely going to share what I’ve been learning about this topic as of late. If you want a head start, check out the Netflix DocuSeries: Surviving Death.
Sending you all the love today, friend.
P.S. Did you find this post helpful? Please share it with a griever you love or care about. Sharing is caring. 💛
