Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Q&A, solo episode |
Q&A | Is There Such a Thing as Complicated Grief?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Many grief terms have come about to describe grief:
- abbreviated
- absent
- anticipatory
- chronic
- collective
- complicated
- distorted
- disenfranchised
- inhibited
- delayed
- masked
- normal
The American Psychological Association describes complicated grief as grief that seems to deviate from what’s expected, interfering with the ability to function. Isn’t that grief, in general? Doesn’t grief completely flip a person’s world and life upside down?
Does the term complicated grief and the laundry list of others do anything to help someone move forward in their grief and loss? The simple answer is “no.” I believe these terms, and others like them, only cause grievers to judge themselves and their response to losses of any kind.
In a nutshell, all of these terms do nothing to move people forward. What people experience as a normal and natural response to loss (of any kind) is one word: grief.
Society no longer needs intellectualized, fancy lingo to describe how people feel.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
I want to answer a question that was asked by someone who would like to remain anonymous, but I want to answer the question as just a general grief one zero one type question.
Question: Is there such a thing as complicated grief?
Answer:
If you’ve been following or listening to what I’ve been sharing over the years, you know that I don’t use the phrase complicated grief or complicated bereavement. Although that language is getting more and more common, It’s not really a language that an advanced grief recovery specialist, has been trained to use or that the Great Recovery Institute encourages that we use because we don’t feel and I don’t feel that there is really such a thing.
Although there will be many who probably disagree, as a grief recovery specialist and being trained by the grief recovery institute, in the evidence-based program that I do facilitate. We believe that all grief is experienced at one hundred percent and that there are no half-grievers and that anything that compares or ranks grief is incorrect and possibly dangerous to the griever. So the phrase complicated grief in quotations is comparative from the outset as it indicates there must be also uncomplicated grief. So what we believe is that if you don’t address the unfinished emotional business that exists in all of your relationships, good, bad, and sometimes ugly, then what is incomplete, stays unresolved.
We know that one of the myths of grief is that time heals all wounds. And since time can’t heal emotional wounds, it only gets worse, not because it’s complicated, but because it’s not attended to, it’s not being addressed. And the best way to understand it is to think of a cut finger. If you don’t clean it will become infected and you’ll have a bigger problem. The original cut was not complicated. Rather, it became compromised by a lack of proper cleaning and care. And the same is true for grief.
Unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative. And since time can’t heal emotional wounds, unattended grief can only get worse being robbed example of the chance to say goodbye if that was the circumstance or if you choose not to say goodbye for other reasons to someone who is passing could cause the undelivered emotional communication to be buried out of sight and therefore remain incomplete. It doesn’t really get complicated. It just remains unfinished. And that can become a bigger problem just like the cut I was describing. When only one or only a few elements of the relationship remain incomplete. It tends to keep the entire relationship unfinished.
And that’s what might appear to be a complication. But it’s really a lack of helpful action compounded over a long period of time. So the principles and actions of grief recovery are predicated on the idea that when someone dies, there will inevitably be some things we wish had been different, better, or more and there will always be unrealized, hopes, dreams, and expectations for the future. That’s true in the best of relationships as well as the worst in everything in between. So as you take the actions of grief recovery for example, you’ll make many discoveries other than just the missing goodbye within your relationship with the person who died so long ago.
If you want a resource to learn more about this, I highly recommend you pick up the book the grief recovery handbook, and you’ll learn all about this and then some and more, but know that because I tried this myself you can read the book and you can learn the principles and but you really do need a heart with years. You need someone who is trained to facilitate the program. But working through the steps in the book, you will probably discover a lot more about your losses and about the incompleteness of your relationships by just reading that book and going through some of the steps. But it’s those actions that you take that help you to resolve what is incomplete for your relationships. The book will teach you what is left unfinished, what is unsaid or not done, and I might be biased. I am biased. But it is the most effective way to process grief is through the evidence-based programs through the Great Recovery Institute in the Great Recovery method that I facilitate through my program Do grief differently, which I have shared with you before in previous episodes. You can find more information on my website www.theunleashedheart.com.
There is no such thing as complicated grief. We all grieve at a hundred percent and it’s really the compounding of loss and the incompleteness that we feel within our relationships whether the person was loving or whether it was an unloving relationship, we still have incompleteness sometimes. Things that we wish would have been different, better, or more, things that we wish we could have said, all of that. That’s what emotionally we tend to hold on to. And so I encourage you to pick up the grief recovery handbook to learn more about this.
I hope this was helpful and that you understand why we don’t use the word complicated grief in the language because it really is not helpful to laborers. And it’s not helpful to you as a griever either.
P.S. Do Grief Differently™️is twelve weeks in-person or online program that helps grieving who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. In Do Grief Differently™️ , you learn new tools, education, and a method you can utilize for the rest of your life. In this program and with my guidance, you remove the pain of grief. The sadness will always be there because even in complicated relationships, we love, but it’s the pain of grief that keeps us stuck. Are you ready to Do Grief Differently™️? Check out my website www.theunleashedheart.com to learn more.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Healing, Podcast, Q&A, solo episode |
Q&A | Is Closure Possible?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
It happens often; we hear people say they want or need closure. We also hear it on crime shows and true crime documentaries, too. However, what feels more accurate, and what would be a more helpful expression of what those left behind genuinely desire?
Listen to this quick Q&A on closure and discover why it’s unhelpful and what would be a more accurate goal to aim for when grieving.
Sudden or traumatic loss (or events) often leave people wanting closure. And that desire that may never be achieved, keeping someone grieving stuck in emotional jail. However, it doesn’t have to be that way.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
Question
Beth writes, “When someone experiences the loss of a loved one in a quick or unexpected manner?
Answer
I often hear people say they need or want closure. Is closure even possible? Something about the word itself doesn’t feel right and I’m curious what your take is on it.
Actually, it’s a very timely one too because I was listening to true crime podcast episode. And the host was actually even talking about closure and how the word doesn’t sit right with him. And so I felt like it was an important thing to talk about anyway. So thank you for bringing the question to my attention to do a podcast episode on it.
The thing to keep in mind is the relationship with the person who passed away. And so if you’re an outsider looking in, you may not know all the details of that relationship and you might have your perception of it but we often don’t know the details of other people’s relationships, how rich they were, or how good they were or maybe the negative aspects too.
We often don’t hear those things. But regardless, as an outsider looking in at other relationships, just keep in mind that you never really truly know the depths of other people’s relationships. So often too, we think about the lifetime of events with emotions that are attached that have affected you. And the longer the relationship, of course, the more events and the more experiences and the more memories that you’ve made with that person.
And there are emotions that are attached to those that will affect you, not just the circumstances or the speed, at which that loved one has passed away.
So we often focus on the end of the relationship and we do lose sight of the whole relationship. And so this word “closure” is unhelpful and inaccurate word because closure implies the end of a relationship.
And what people learn going through my program Do Grief Differently™️ or just If you’ve listened long enough to my podcast or you’ve read anything I’ve written, the relationship continues even though a person has died. There is a physical relationship that dies with that person, but the emotional and spiritual relationship continues.
And so rather than looking at needing closure, instead think about needing to become emotionally complete. And especially in circumstances where the person passes unexpectedly or tragically or maybe even they went missing. Right? Murder, homicide. They go missing.
They get a diagnosis and quickly decline. There are so many different circumstances that cause unexpected or unexpected loss or death. And so we often don’t get that opportunity like you maybe would if someone who has a terminal illness, who everyone is aware that that person is passing or it will pass and they’re in hospice care and you have an opportunity to become emotionally complete with that person while they’re still alive. Is that the time to do so? Not necessarily.
I could say a lot about this just because I had my own personal experience where I could have used that time to unleash my fury and my rage and my anger and all of the things that upset me throughout my life. However, when I was faced with that decision and went to see that person, which initially too surprised me because I didn’t have malice in my heart when I found out that they were dying. I felt like I needed to go see them because not for myself, but for them. It was a very interesting dichotomy because inside I was still a hurt little girl, but I also recognize the importance and the gravity of that decision to show up with love and compassion rather than with anger and rage because I didn’t feel that. I felt hurt. And oftentimes, anger and rage is really just masked. It’s a mask we wear for hurt and pain. And so that’s just my personal example of working to become emotionally complete, but I did that long after.
So it was kind of interesting how I can look back at that time now and my approach was unexpected even for myself. And so I just challenge you to think about what you are emotionally incomplete with when it comes to any relationship in your life and realize that you don’t have to confront anybody. You don’t have to have difficult conversations while they’re alive or if you have that opportunity such as in the case of terminal illness or if you don’t have that opportunity in an instance of an unexpected death, you can still become emotionally complete with that person after they have died by going through Do Grief Differently™️, the twelve-week program that I offer or in a group program setting.
So let’s quit saying the word “closure”. And let’s speak the truth about what we really are looking for is to become emotionally complete because the word closure is not helpful and let’s start changing that language for progress and changing that language to what the truth really is of what we’re really looking for and what we’re really what our heart really needs.
P.S. Do Grief Differently™️is twelve weeks in-person or online program that helps grieving who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. In Do Grief Differently™️ , you learn new tools, education, and a method you can utilize for the rest of your life. In this program and with my guidance, you remove the pain of grief. The sadness will always be there because even in complicated relationships, we love, but it’s the pain of grief that keeps us stuck. Are you ready to Do Grief Differently™️? Check out my website www.theunleashedheart.com to learn more.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Q&A |
Q&A | Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
The question on today’s podcast is one I have heard a lot and one I’ve also asked myself if I’m being honest.
It’s normal and natural to ask ourselves questions like this, and it doesn’t mean that you mean any ill will towards others. It also doesn’t mean other people are “bad”; bad things should happen to them instead.
I see this question as an expression of trying to make sense of tragedy or challenges. When looking at outside circumstances, when you see other people living their lives in such a way that puts them in danger or exhibits risky behavior, and nothing ever seems to happen to them, it’s normal to feel angry and even self-pity.
As you will hear in this week’s episode, I don’t have all the answers. However, I know and understand grief and the impact it has on our psyche and lives. This is just one of those questions that are difficult to answer.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
What is Do Grief Differently™️?
Do Grief Differently™️ is a 12-week program that moves you beyond the pain of grief and brings to light who you are, at your core, and were before grief. You will learn new tools, gain a tremendous amount of knowledge and awareness about yourself, and find yourself feeling lighter, hopeful, and more confident at the end of our time together. More importantly, the emotional pain of your grief will be a thing of the past.
Do Grief Differently™️ addresses the whole YOU with and without grief. Through evidence-based steps and assessments, you will better understand (and believe) that there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing about you that needs to be fixed.
In this program and with my guidance, you remove the pain of grief, the sadness will always be there because even in complicated relationships we love but it’s the pain of grief that keeps us stuck. Are you ready to do grief differently? Check out my website wwwtheunleashedheart.com to learn more.
How Grief Manifests In Our Lives
It got me thinking about a question that I’ve heard quite often question I’ve pondered myself. And it kind of relates to snowflakes in that there are no two snowflakes that are alike. And there are no two grieving experiences that are like. It can be similar in ways in how we respond.
We worry about people. We love people. And so we have grief for other people too. Because we love them and care about them. This brings me to the question, why do bad things happen to good people? I’m not going to answer that question. Because I don’t know why.
What if we asked ourselves? Why not me? Or why not them? And I think when bad things happen? It is part of a greater lesson.
I think we all go through the hard knocks of life in our own way. Some more than others. Why is that? I don’t know. But in reflecting on my own path personal experiences and what I’ve been through. And felt like I was destined for a life of suffering from a very young age. I didn’t have a lot of hope. And perhaps those negative experiences were in essence for me to come closer to the reality of my detachment, to my own feelings, and my inability to deeply connect with those closest to me.
Because I think what happens when you’re going through really difficult or challenging experiences in your life? That’s what happens; it brings you closer, closer to yourself, to your own spirit, and soul, it might lead you down a path of spirituality you’ve never touched before. It may draw you closer to your spouse, or to your children. It may cause you to live your life more fully.
Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
Why not? It’s an invitation that doesn’t make you feel better. It doesn’t make the emotions any easier to handle, deal with or navigate or work through any of those adjectives. It can really suck. It can drain your energy. When bad things happen. It can turn your world upside down. But perhaps the greater plan is yet to be seen. And so consider why not me? Why not them? And when those times happen, draw closer to those who want to love and support you. Make self-care your priority and know that you’re not alone.
P.S. If you want to learn more about Do Grief Differently make sure you visit my website. We all ask ourselves the big questions, including “Why do bad things happen to good people?” I hold your hand today. And I send your heart the biggest hug from me to you. Lots of love and light. And if you want to dive deeper into those negative experiences you’ve had that you’re finding really difficult to find meaning in then I encourage you to reach out to me too. Sending you so much love today.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Q&A, Widowhood |
Q&A | Why Am I Struggling More With My Spouse’s Death Than My Parents’ Death?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In this first Q&A episode, Ruth asks why she’s struggling more with her spouse’s death than the death of her parents.
In my response, I share a perspective you may find helpful when considering your losses.
Whether you’ve been married for five, fifteen, or forty years, or your parents died when you were young or in your fifties, death may finalize the physical relationship; however, the emotional relationship carries on.
I’d love to answer your question on the podcast. Submit your Q to my email at [email protected] with “Q for Grieving Voices” in the subject line. I will only use your first name — or no name if you prefer!
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
First Episode of the Q&A Podcast Episode
This is my first episode of the Q&A format. And I’m in the background working on some interviews with upcoming guests regarding the new format, which is featuring guests who have started, organizations, foundations, nonprofits, not-for-profits, things on a grander scale, maybe even had a law passed all of this in response to their grief or loss experience. So I’m excited for those conversations to be shared coming up. But today, again, is a q&a.
A Question From Ruth
And this is a question coming from a listener named Ruth from El Paso, Texas. And she asks, “My mother, father, and husband all died within three months of each other. I miss them so much. But why am I having such a hard time dealing with the loss of my husband than that of my parents, I cry every day about him, not my parents is this normal?”
Victoria’s Answer
So we never compare losses. And it’s very common to hear people report that the death of their spouse affected them emotionally, more, or for a much longer time than their parents is death. Now, there is a kind of logic to that. And even though emotions can’t be measured in logical or rational terms, in long-term marital relationships, you’ve chosen to be with your partner every day, sometimes for many years, perhaps 40,50, 60, or more. And the effect of that amount of time with another person is almost like joining two people together. And when one of them dies, it can literally feel like losing a piece of your body. Now on the other hand, as we get older, we also have very long-term relationships with our living parents, which are as many years as we’ve been alive. If you’re 60, you have a 60-year relationship with your 85-year-old mother. However, there’s usually a major difference between your relationship with a parent and the one with your spouse. Most of us move away from home after high school or college and go off to build our careers and our families. So even though we may have a 60-year relationship with a parent, we usually only lived with them for the first 18 to 22 years of our lives. Whereas with spouses we’ve spent nearly every day for 10,15, or 40 years with that person, and the bond even with a spouse we may have bickered with for much of the time, is incredibly strong.
It may seem obvious, but it still has to be said that the nature of marriage differs from the relationships between parents and children. Even when marriage doesn’t last many decades, the nature and intensity of marital relationships are different intense than other relationships and can produce overwhelming emotions of grief when one partner dies. None of that is said to diminish or minimize the amount of love and other feelings we have for our parents. It’s normal to cry every day over the death of a spouse. This response to loss usually stops for most people after a few weeks or months. The problem is that there is no set time that would apply to everyone as to how long daily crying should last. If this is something that concerns you, you may be stuck in your grief. And I would suggest taking Grief Recovery actions in regard to all three relationships. And as you do so, the crying will diminish and fond memories will not turn painful.
This may also explain for many of you why it’s so difficult to feel joy, even when you are experiencing what would typically be a joyful experience. If you’re being reminded of your loved one in those moments of joy, then the pain of the loss floods in suddenly you feel guilty for feeling joy and are likely pulled back to a past memory which may or may not have been painful. This happens too when we are filled with guilt, remorse, or regret around the relationship. Perhaps this is where the term complicated grief and I use that in air quotes comes from. It’s not complicated. It’s just grief. The label isn’t helpful and I think it sets people up for losing hope are also comparing their losses to those of others, possibly even minimizing the loss of others.
Have you caught yourself saying well at least you have your parents, or well, at least you didn’t lose everyone you love within three months?
Well, at least at least if you allow yourself to be open to new knowledge around grief, which is the foundation of my one-on-one program, Do Grief Differently and group programs, you will see that it is possible to move forward in your life even after the losses of the three most influential relationships in your life.
P.S. Did you find this episode helpful? Please leave a review. It shows me that you want to hear more episodes like this one. And if you’re interested in participating in a Grief Recovery Group I love to walk a maximum of eight hurting hearts through their incredibly powerful, evidence-based program that transformed not only my life and heart but also of countless others. My client Angela shared this with me recently. “For the first time, I’m feeling more free to be me than I’ve ever felt.” My friends, that is the perfect testimonial in a nutshell for this program. If you have a question, please email it to me at [email protected] and put “Q” for grieving voices in the subject line and I will answer it on the show anonymously if you prefer.
