Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, solo episode |
What It’s Like Working With Me
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In today’s episode, you will learn what I bring to the table when choosing to work with me. I use aspects of my YouMap® to illustrate what’s in it for you as a client and more.
Today, there are far more options for grief support than were available five, ten years ago, and beyond. There are several training programs online that one can take to work with grievers, hang up their virtual shingles, and work with clients in exchange for money. However, not all grief coaches have done their own deep dive into their past losses and trauma, making it challenging to know who to trust, where to look, or where to start.
By the end of today’s episode, you will learn the specific skill set I bring to my work with clients and why it matters. Being the only certified grief specialist (who continues to apply the tools and framework I share with clients) and YouMap® coach worldwide does have its perks. Want to learn what they are? Check out this episode!
If you’d like to learn more about YouMap® and Do Grief Differently™️, check out the links below. Click HERE to schedule a no-obligation, free consultation!
I will not tell you how you should feel because you already know. – Me
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hey. Hey. Hey. Thank you for tuning in. It’s another episode of grieving voices, and this is actually episode one five o. And today, I’m doing something a little different that I’ve not done yet on the podcast, and that is to talk a little bit about what it’s like working with me. And I’m going to start with some Youmap stuff. And if you’re not familiar with Youmap, check out the show notes because I have a link to my website where it has more information on what I’m talking about. So I’m just gonna give a very brief overview of what my Youmap is in this episode, but I do have another episode I’m planning to put out in the coming weeks which is all about the importance of knowing yourself because if there’s anything I’ve learned through my own Youmap and working with other clients and their Youmap is that the more you know yourself, the less you look to others to tell you who you are and I am sure listening to this. You have plenty of people who have told you who you are in your lifetime and the grief that that’s probably caused you. So be on the lookout for that episode coming up.
Victoria Volk: However, today, what it’s like working with me. Let’s start there. So I’m gonna start out actually with my number one strength and which is found by going through the Clifton Strengthfinder, which is a part of the Youmap, that is one of the assessments. And the Youmap actually is just for a brief overview, is a holistic assessment profile and framework that is a foundation of self-awareness for endless personal and professional use. And the framework is based on four key pillars of view. So the first being your strengths. And this is the “How”. This is what we prioritize. It’s either our relationship building, influencing others, getting results or thinking. Strength explain how we work.
Victoria Volk: Our values is pillar two, and this explains why we work. So values explain our why based on what’s most important to us.
Victoria Volk: Pillar three is all about skills. It’s what we like doing. What skills are we motivated to spend our time using?
Victoria Volk: And the fourth pillar is personality. It explains our interests, who we are. Who are we? Are we a blend of the doer, the thinker, the creator, the helper, the persuader, or the organizer? And so all of these together combined create what is called the Youmap. And the Youmap radically reduces the time it takes me to get to know my clients who go through my program, which includes the Youmap and Do Grief Differently, the twelve-week one on one program.
Victoria Volk: And I included this, the Youmap program because it was actually, to me, what was missing in the grief work I was doing with clients. And so for me personally to learn my Youmap was life-affirming. My number one strength is empathy. And empathy is a relationship-building theme. And according to Youmap, it is how we’d define it. You can sense the emotions of others, feel what they are feeling, see the world through their eyes. You hear unvoiced questions, anticipate their needs. For this reason, others are drawn to you. So the thing about empathy and all strengths for that matter, there’s thirty two strengths in the Clifton Strengthsfinder, but they all have, like, healthy or productive descriptor words, but then there’s also unhealthy or barrier descriptor words. And so if I’m using my empathy well, my strength of empathy. I create trust. It brings healing. I know just what to say or do. I can customize my approach to others. But if I’m overusing empathy, I can appear to be soft, or as a child, a crybaby, I can be moody. And seem overly involved, which actually was a problem for me many years ago. I would overuse empathy and it would be to my dutch treatment because I was always there for other people and yet it seemed like when I needed someone there, for me, emotionally, people were unavailable, and I had some resentment around that. And maybe listening to this, you can relate to that. When you have the strength of empathy, people are drawn to you because you’re like the counselor in their back pocket. However, if without boundaries, without knowing yourself, this, you can see where this would create some issues for your life, which it did for me. So that’s the empathy strength.
Victoria Volk: The other relationship-building strength that I bring in working with my clients is connectedness. And that’s how I build relationships with my clients is through connectedness because I’m able to connect the dots of what they’re sharing with me. And the definition for connectedness is having faith in the links between all things. Like, we are all connected. You believe there are a few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason. You are a bridge builder among people who share differences. And so healthy descriptors of the connectedness theme would be spiritual. Doesn’t sweat the small stuff, has strong faith, always looking at the big picture, helps others see purpose. And an overuse of connectedness would come off as being passive or naive or too idealistic or wishy-washy, which I’ve been accused of being naive in the past.
Victoria Volk: And so you can see where these are just two strengths I’m talking about that are my strengths. But, you know, these are just two. Right? But we have five in our Yoump that we that combine to create strength assessment piece of the Youmap. Okay? But there’s thirty two that you can have and there’s different combinations. And I can’t remember the exact statistics. I mean, one in like a billion people have the same top five strengths as you if you’re listening to this. So we literally are snowflakes people. So anyway, using empathy and connectedness, this is how I build the relationships with my clients.
Victoria Volk: My other three strengths are input, intellection, and strategic, which are all thinking strengths. And so using those three, that’s how I absorb and analyze information to inform better decisions. Now for my clients, that means asking inquisitive and curious questions. Sometimes probing questions. To facilitate deeper reflection of my clients. And again, I’ll get more into the strengths and values and skills and personality in that future episode.
Victoria Volk: But today, I wanna tell you why this matters in working with me. I am not going to tell you how you should feel because you already know. But I will be able to feel into and sense how you feel, again, with my strength of empathy and connectedness often by your body language alone, or your tone. It’s those nuances of communication that I picked up personally as a child that became a necessity in an environment of chaos, and heartbreak, and extreme highs and lows of emotions that were exhibited by those around me. Also, I will challenge you. To see your experiences and yourself differently. This will naturally unfold to in the work that we do together. However, you’ll feel supported in the process. For some people, I may be the very first person who truly listens and hears you, and allows you to be a safe space – to be open and honest. As I briefly mentioned, through my strength of connectedness. I help clients connect the dots and patterns of the past to the present. And it’s one of my superpowers in grief coaching. But these themes emerge to me and often clients have aha moments and revelations that even surprised them. And also, I’m laid back and easygoing, but I hold my clients accountable to themselves in a loving way. I’m all in with my clients and I expect them to be also that for themselves. I know I’m not the grief coach for everyone and each person has to discern that for themselves. But that’s also hard to do when you don’t know yourself, which is greatly affected by grief and overwhelming emotion. It’s really hard to know what you need or where to start. If you value honesty, growth, inner harmony, compassion, authenticity, and curiosity, I’d say we’re a good fit to work together.
Victoria Volk: If you felt unsafe to express your emotions honestly most of your life, I’d again say we’re a good fit. And if you’ve felt misunderstood most of your life, then I’d say you’d get a lot more than grief coaching in working with me because I am the only certified grief specialist and Youmap coach in the world. So if that hasn’t convinced you yet, I highly encourage you to schedule a free consultation with me. I will put a link in the show notes if you are interested and diving deeper into your past and healing and grief and understanding yourself and knowing yourself better and where you need boundaries and where you’ve never had them and all of that goodness and more. And in a specific time frame in working with me, twelve weeks, I can guarantee that from week one to week twelve, you will have softened your heart and transformed your life. And I say you because that is the truth. You are doing the work. I am just holding space. I am the facilitator. And if you feel that I am a good fit for you, then I encourage you to reach out and learn more. And in the meantime, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, solo episode |
Tough Love | I Don’t Have Time To Work On Myself
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
May is Mental Health Awareness Month!
Taking mental health seriously and prioritizing it is the job of the individual. Even if you find yourself in a situation where you are forced to prioritize your mental health, that doesn’t necessarily equate to successful results. The effort you make, along with your intention, will create positive outcomes.
We can allow ourselves to become bogged down by grief in our lives, or we can take small, actionable steps every day that move us forward and create momentum for healing. This is precisely what we do through my program, Do Grief Differently.
There are ripples created from grief, which are often not pleasant. But there can also be really positive ripples that come from healing as well. When we are hungry, we eat. When we are thirsty, we drink. No matter what we are doing, we will make the time to eat or drink when our bodies need nourishment.
How is your body giving signals that it needs the support of the mind and spirit?
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
Thank you for tuning in to another episode of grieving voices. If you’ve been here before and if this is your first time listening, thank you for being here. Typically, this would be a guest feature episode of a nonprofit, which is what the theme was to be for 2023. However, I’ve run into some snags in getting some nonprofits scheduled. There is one nonprofit. I’m really excited to get on the podcast, but they are busy at this time. With legislative work, very important work. So I’ll just have to be patient, but it just brought to my mind, why am I putting myself in a box with this podcast? Why am I thinking I need to stick to some sort of theme or whatnot?
And so just yesterday, actually I was on a call with Mastermind I am in for public speaking. And it just occurred to me “Why don’t I just do what I want?” When I want, however, I want. So it seems like a no-brainer but I think I was trying to stick to some sort of process or some sort of regiment or something so that I maybe could stay focused but truthfully, that’s not really how my mind works. I personally love variety. I love surprises and not necessarily knowing what’s coming next. And so if you’re my people listening to this, you might be the same. And if you aren’t, I’m sorry. Sorry, not sorry.
So I think moving forward, not I think. I am moving forward with this podcast. Just putting out content that I feel inspired to share it. It might be “Q and A episode”. It might be like today’s episode, which is a brand-new type of episode. It might be “Where are they now episode” which I do have someone scheduled that later this month. I’m excited about that. It might be a nonprofit or a foundation organization. I am in the works on getting some of those scheduled, so be on the lookout for those. And I’m thinking I will reconnect with I had a lot of applications last year for this year’s podcast. But because I had changed the format, I had to let them know that I was changing the format. So I think I will reach out to those individuals as well and bring back some guest interviews. I get a lot of author submissions. And so I don’t necessarily need more author submissions but if you have a nonprofit organization or foundation or you’re just the person next door, you don’t have anything to sell, you don’t have anything special to put out in the world but you want to share your story. I really want to hear the stories of grievers who are like most of us we’re just the person next door.
And so I really encourage you to reach out to me. Fill out the form on my website. I am going to be updating it. So it’s not just about nonprofits. Yeah so look forward to maybe more of a variety show, grieving voices variety show, which what won’t change is that we’ll be talking about grief because no matter what the topic is, business or parenting or our health, grief is an aspect of it and plays a role in our lives and in all areas of our lives it affects all areas of our lives, financial, spiritual, you name it.
What Is Taking Priority In Your Life?
So this brings me to today’s episode which I’m calling Tough Love. Where people might say I don’t have time to work on myself. I actually had a conversation with someone not that long ago where this was you can say a valid reason. The person traveled a lot. They just were on the road a lot. They traveled. So how do you find the time amidst travel to work on yourself? You have a work day and then your jet setting, flying here and there and everywhere. And there aren’t I don’t know if there aren’t a lot of us who fly a lot for our careers or our jobs, but no matter if that’s you or not, I hear this a lot from people. I don’t have time to work on myself. I’ve got one, two, three, four, five kids. I’ve got a full-time job and a lot of moms who work outside of the house called. They come home and they do what’s called the second shift. Like I get it. I have three kids. They’re all teenagers. They weren’t always teenagers. They used they require a lot more of my time. And in fact, they were much younger when I had a full-time business. And they weren’t all in school.
And I think you just have to make it a priority. It’s like saying you don’t have time to eat or drink. You’re hungry but you don’t have time to eat. Well, you’re still gonna eat. And if you’re thirsty, you’re gonna get something to drink. Because if you don’t eat or you don’t drink, you’ll shrivel away. You will collapse. And so like saying you don’t have time to work on yourself is like saying you don’t have time to eat. And I just want you to think about that because we prioritize nourishing our bodies. But how many of us prioritize nourishing our hearts, nourishing our minds, and nourishing our spirits? I want you to think about that. This is like I said, this is my tough love episode. I won’t call it out as an excuse but you can draw your own conclusion. If you feel like it’s an excuse, I don’t know you. I don’t know your situation, people in particular, listening to this. And everyone’s situation is different. But we prioritize what is important to us and often we put ourselves last. We put our mental health last. We put our hearts last. We put our spiritual well-being last. And so what is taking priority in your life? What has become more important in your life? Think about that. Because if I had not done the work that I started doing five years before I actually did the really difficult work. I don’t think I would have even gotten to the point of doing the really difficult work.
The Work That I Do
It took me five years to slowly slowly, very slowly, rip off the band-aid. I really took my time with it. And in hindsight, I wish I would have known in 2014 what I learned in 2019 because had I known in 2014, what I found out in 2019, I wouldn’t have waited. I would have just ripped off the band-aid in 2014.
Because I was so much better at it. I was healthier in mind, body, and spirit for it. Of really doing the deep difficult hard inner work. I had a client say to me, “You know hear all the time people say you have to do the work”. And I was just frustrated with what’s the work? Nobody would really explain it. She said, “What is the work?” And after going through my program, Do Grief Differently, She’s like, “It clicked.” This is the work. This is the work. The work that we do in Do Grief Differently is the work. So if you’re ready to do the work and need some support and ripping off the band-aid in and loving supportive, handheld way, I encourage you to reach out to me and inquire about Do Grief Differently, the one-on-one program. Or I also offer a group program which is available also online. But sometimes we just need some tough love.
And I love challenging people and pushing people beyond what they think they’re capable of because I will tell you that you are capable of so much more and your life can feel so much more fulfilling and meaningful once you clear out the cobwebs like get rid of all the yuck and the stuff that’s boggling you down in your life and in your heart and in your spirit and in your mind. So you can see more clearly, so you can discern for yourself more effectively, so you can make healthier choices and decisions for yourself. You can trust yourself more, build your confidence, create boundaries that maybe you’ve never had or never knew you needed. There’s so many byproducts and benefits of doing the work and taking the time to work on yourself. Think of it as life or death, and you might make a different choice for yourself. That’s today’s episode in a nutshell.
P.S. And if you found it helpful which I hope you did, maybe insightful and maybe like a kick in the tooth to just look at your life and maybe make a change. Do something differently, do grief differently. I’m here to support you. Either through this podcast. If you’re not quite ready to dig deep or through many of the resources on my website there are a lot of free resources. And there’s always help and support out there if you look for it. May is mental health awareness month and make it a priority because it’s probably not just your life depending on it. You may have a spouse, you may have children, grandchildren, you may be a daughter, maybe a mother, or a friend. There are ripples that are created from grief. But there can also be really positive ripples that come from healing as well. So thank you so much for tuning in. If you like my new idea for this podcast of just making it a variety show, doing whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like and however I feel like, please share your thoughts. I’m doing this podcast for you my listeners. It’s not for my health, although I get so much joy out of it. So maybe it’s partially for my mental health too. Because I get great joy from feeling like someone listening to this is truly being helped and feeling supported. Again thank you for listening and until next time. Remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, much love.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Q&A, solo episode |
Q&A | How Can I Best Help My Child In Their Grief?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
When tragedy strikes or challenging times knock on a family’s door, the children involved can feel cast aside or as if they are an afterthought while the adults are experiencing their emotional crisis. However, it doesn’t have to be that way.
As adults become more knowledgeable about grief, learning new tools and new information, beliefs about grief and how to respond to it can change, too. As children’s adult caretakers/caregivers connect to their own grief and apply new knowledge and tools, they also learn new (and healthier) ways to cope with grief and loss.
Grief education begins at home and starts as early as a child having their blanket or pacifier taken away or losing a pet. This episode explores how our children can be better cared for in their grief.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
Grievers Tend To Isolate
I wanna start by saying reminding listeners if it’s been a while since you’ve heard my earliest episodes or if you haven’t listened to them yet, there are six myths of loss that I discussed in this podcast and my blog posts, and all sorts of places and they’re discussed heavily in the Do Grief Differently™️ program that I facilitate. And the six myths of loss are don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, be strong, keep busy, and time heals all wounds.
And I imagine that you’ve probably heard or had many of these taught to you as a child or that you do many of these things still today. When you are struggling in your grief or have a challenging time in your life, that’s causing grief. And the one thing that’s true is that grievers tend to isolate but it’s not natural because if you think about it, infants cry out when they hurt and we don’t isolate by nature, we isolate by training, by education, and by socialization. And we isolate because we are taught that we laugh together, but we cry alone. And so it doesn’t mean that we need to be surrounded by others 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And don’t get me wrong. I am someone that loves my solitude, and solitude is not bad.
Collecting one’s thoughts and feelings is not bad. For one am an internal processor of my emotions and my feelings and I need that time in private to do so. And if you know somebody who may be quick to anger or is maybe under a lot of stress. Maybe one thing you could ask them instead of becoming defensive is
“Hey, I see that you have been upset lately. I see that you have been angry lately.”
“Can I give you space?”
“Is that what you need? Do you need space?”
It’s kind of seeing the need before the other person really even realizes maybe what they need. But if you’re asking what that person needs or if that’s possibly what that person needs because maybe they are an internal processor of their feelings like myself. Space is exactly what they may need. But I think if you ask, what can I give you right now? That could help you or how can I best help you? And if one of those things is space, then to be respectful of that as well. Because not everybody wants to talk it out or even if they want to talk it out, maybe they’re just not ready. Or maybe you’re not a safe paint person to do that with. But we isolate because we are taught many of these different myths that I just mentioned.
How Can I Best Help My Child In Their Grief?
There is a normal and natural need to keep our own council away from others and away from busy activity and sometimes you just need to go into the bathroom and close the door and have a good cry. But the question this week is about how do I help my child in their grief? But I’m starting this episode this way because I want you to see and maybe recognize how you are responding to your own grief because if you listen to the first part of this, you heard me say, we isolate by training, by education, and by socialization. And so if as a parent or a caregiver or caretaker of a child who is grieving, who’s going through a really difficult time but doesn’t have the language, to articulate what they’re experiencing or what they’re feeling or if you assume that because they are not exhibiting behavior issues or they’re not, they’re being a good child, air quotes, good child, that they’re not struggling. You’re doing that child also a disservice because it could just be how they’re coping. It could be because every time they try to share how they’re feeling, they get a negative response.
What if our children learned different beliefs about grief?
So what if our children learned different beliefs about grief? And how to respond to it. Do you believe that that might produce better results for them in their life? Maybe even as an adult because they would have learned different ways to cope, more healthy, positive ways to cope with their grief as an adult, which in turn impacts their children because if they have children and they’re responding to their child’s grief and to their own by what they know and what they were taught as kids that may not be healthy. It may be more like those STERBS that are in one of the earlier episodes. I talk all about STERBS, the short-term energy-relieving behaviors, the gambling, the shopping, alcohol, drugs, whatever it is that people resort to feel better for a short period of time. You can see we’re learning new behaviors. Learning new ways to cope can have not only short-term but long-term benefits for children who have been raised with better beliefs about dealing with loss.
The Importance of Teaching Our Children About Grief Recovery
There was doctoral research that was done comparing children who experienced the death of a family member. And one group was made up of children whose parents or guardians had substantial awareness of the principles of grief recovery, which you can find in the grief recovery handbook, which I will link in the show notes but the second group had no knowledge of the book or any of its principles or recommended actions. The essential difference between the two sets of parents or guardians was this. One group was helped to look at their own beliefs about dealing with loss. And while the other group was not. As a direct result of looking at and adjusting their own beliefs, those parents and guardians passed on better skills and ideas to the children in their care. The children in this first relatively enlightened group made much better transitions in the area of communicating about sad, painful, or negative feelings. They can talk safely and accurately about feeling sad, then move on to other feelings. Individuals in this group do not perceive themselves to be defective when they are sad. And over time, their bond of trust with their parents and their openness about their feelings remained steadfast. This group includes children who ranged in age from four to eight when the major loss occurred in their lives.
And they have sustained positive lessons learned as the result of their parents or guardians, acquiring information about dealing more effectively with loss. Others in this study who were eight or nine when their loss occurred that were then teenagers feel incredibly safe in talking about or hearing others talk about loss. And in addition, they’re very helpful to friends who are dealing with loss. Keep in mind that what you believe is what you teach. So if you acquire more effective information about dealing with loss you will be a better teacher. And your children will be the automatic beneficiaries.
I know a lot of the people that I’ve worked with through grief recovery, who are also parents, realize a lot of ways in which they feel they failed their children just because they didn’t know the lessons and these things that they are taught through grief recovery and in my program Do Grief Differently™️. And even personally myself, like learning this information for the first time caused me a lot of grief because I can’t take back the clock. I can’t go back in time and fix how I was responding to the stressors and the grief in my life and that of my children because I simply did not know. I did not know then what I know now.
You Can Make A Change
And so if you’re hearing this information and you’ve taken part in grief recovery or if you haven’t read the book, A Grief Recovery Handbook or you listen to my previous episodes and you think “Oh my gosh, I’ve screwed up my kids or I am screwing up my kids.” I want you to be gentle with yourself and realize “yes you can’t turn back time but you can make a conscious effort and change moving forward.” You can decide to arm yourself with better knowledge, with better information, and a part of that may require you to look at your own bosses. And it helps you to connect the dots of the patterns that you’ve repeated throughout your life so that you don’t repeat those patterns and pass those patterns on to your kids. It’s often why we see so many parents who struggle with substance abuse disorder or alcoholism, who have children that struggle in the same way or in a similar way. And maybe it’s not alcohol, maybe it’s a different vice. But if we can understand and learn more helpful information and how to address our own grief. Our children are better off for it. And so my response to the person that asked me this question was to learn to be open to learning new information. Be open to learning about yourself because that’s how you integrate this new information and apply it to your own life.
And when you start applying this information to your own life, you show up differently in the lives of your kids. And so I just want to encourage anyone out there who has children or is a caretaker of children who is grieving or struggling in grief. As I can tell you, when I was a kid grieving, nobody knew what to do. Nobody had a clue, but there wasn’t anyone that I could talk to. Or anyone that was a safe person because, frankly, they weren’t comfortable talking about their own sad stuff. I mean that’s the point of it is that if we can start getting comfortable with talking about our feelings, Our kids will get comfortable talking about their feelings but you often have to go first as the adult. You do have to go first because if you’re not going to share and you’re not going to be vulnerable with your child, how do you expect them to be vulnerable with you?
P.S. I just want to encourage you to be open to new tools and new knowledge. Seek it out you can go to my website, www.theunleashedheart.com. Check out the book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. And better yet go through my program, Do Grief Differently™️, or a Group Program, specifically for grief that I also offer online and in person and address the stuff on your own doorstep. Because once you clear that life is just that much sweeter.
And you can create connected relationships, not only with your children but with other people in your life as well. I hope you found it helpful. And if you did I hope you share it or leave a review.
Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Q&A, solo episode |
Q&A | Is There Such a Thing as Complicated Grief?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Many grief terms have come about to describe grief:
- abbreviated
- absent
- anticipatory
- chronic
- collective
- complicated
- distorted
- disenfranchised
- inhibited
- delayed
- masked
- normal
The American Psychological Association describes complicated grief as grief that seems to deviate from what’s expected, interfering with the ability to function. Isn’t that grief, in general? Doesn’t grief completely flip a person’s world and life upside down?
Does the term complicated grief and the laundry list of others do anything to help someone move forward in their grief and loss? The simple answer is “no.” I believe these terms, and others like them, only cause grievers to judge themselves and their response to losses of any kind.
In a nutshell, all of these terms do nothing to move people forward. What people experience as a normal and natural response to loss (of any kind) is one word: grief.
Society no longer needs intellectualized, fancy lingo to describe how people feel.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
I want to answer a question that was asked by someone who would like to remain anonymous, but I want to answer the question as just a general grief one zero one type question.
Question: Is there such a thing as complicated grief?
Answer:
If you’ve been following or listening to what I’ve been sharing over the years, you know that I don’t use the phrase complicated grief or complicated bereavement. Although that language is getting more and more common, It’s not really a language that an advanced grief recovery specialist, has been trained to use or that the Great Recovery Institute encourages that we use because we don’t feel and I don’t feel that there is really such a thing.
Although there will be many who probably disagree, as a grief recovery specialist and being trained by the grief recovery institute, in the evidence-based program that I do facilitate. We believe that all grief is experienced at one hundred percent and that there are no half-grievers and that anything that compares or ranks grief is incorrect and possibly dangerous to the griever. So the phrase complicated grief in quotations is comparative from the outset as it indicates there must be also uncomplicated grief. So what we believe is that if you don’t address the unfinished emotional business that exists in all of your relationships, good, bad, and sometimes ugly, then what is incomplete, stays unresolved.
We know that one of the myths of grief is that time heals all wounds. And since time can’t heal emotional wounds, it only gets worse, not because it’s complicated, but because it’s not attended to, it’s not being addressed. And the best way to understand it is to think of a cut finger. If you don’t clean it will become infected and you’ll have a bigger problem. The original cut was not complicated. Rather, it became compromised by a lack of proper cleaning and care. And the same is true for grief.
Unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative. And since time can’t heal emotional wounds, unattended grief can only get worse being robbed example of the chance to say goodbye if that was the circumstance or if you choose not to say goodbye for other reasons to someone who is passing could cause the undelivered emotional communication to be buried out of sight and therefore remain incomplete. It doesn’t really get complicated. It just remains unfinished. And that can become a bigger problem just like the cut I was describing. When only one or only a few elements of the relationship remain incomplete. It tends to keep the entire relationship unfinished.
And that’s what might appear to be a complication. But it’s really a lack of helpful action compounded over a long period of time. So the principles and actions of grief recovery are predicated on the idea that when someone dies, there will inevitably be some things we wish had been different, better, or more and there will always be unrealized, hopes, dreams, and expectations for the future. That’s true in the best of relationships as well as the worst in everything in between. So as you take the actions of grief recovery for example, you’ll make many discoveries other than just the missing goodbye within your relationship with the person who died so long ago.
If you want a resource to learn more about this, I highly recommend you pick up the book the grief recovery handbook, and you’ll learn all about this and then some and more, but know that because I tried this myself you can read the book and you can learn the principles and but you really do need a heart with years. You need someone who is trained to facilitate the program. But working through the steps in the book, you will probably discover a lot more about your losses and about the incompleteness of your relationships by just reading that book and going through some of the steps. But it’s those actions that you take that help you to resolve what is incomplete for your relationships. The book will teach you what is left unfinished, what is unsaid or not done, and I might be biased. I am biased. But it is the most effective way to process grief is through the evidence-based programs through the Great Recovery Institute in the Great Recovery method that I facilitate through my program Do grief differently, which I have shared with you before in previous episodes. You can find more information on my website www.theunleashedheart.com.
There is no such thing as complicated grief. We all grieve at a hundred percent and it’s really the compounding of loss and the incompleteness that we feel within our relationships whether the person was loving or whether it was an unloving relationship, we still have incompleteness sometimes. Things that we wish would have been different, better, or more, things that we wish we could have said, all of that. That’s what emotionally we tend to hold on to. And so I encourage you to pick up the grief recovery handbook to learn more about this.
I hope this was helpful and that you understand why we don’t use the word complicated grief in the language because it really is not helpful to laborers. And it’s not helpful to you as a griever either.
P.S. Do Grief Differently™️is twelve weeks in-person or online program that helps grieving who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. In Do Grief Differently™️ , you learn new tools, education, and a method you can utilize for the rest of your life. In this program and with my guidance, you remove the pain of grief. The sadness will always be there because even in complicated relationships, we love, but it’s the pain of grief that keeps us stuck. Are you ready to Do Grief Differently™️? Check out my website www.theunleashedheart.com to learn more.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Healing, Podcast, Q&A, solo episode |
Q&A | Is Closure Possible?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
It happens often; we hear people say they want or need closure. We also hear it on crime shows and true crime documentaries, too. However, what feels more accurate, and what would be a more helpful expression of what those left behind genuinely desire?
Listen to this quick Q&A on closure and discover why it’s unhelpful and what would be a more accurate goal to aim for when grieving.
Sudden or traumatic loss (or events) often leave people wanting closure. And that desire that may never be achieved, keeping someone grieving stuck in emotional jail. However, it doesn’t have to be that way.
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Question
Beth writes, “When someone experiences the loss of a loved one in a quick or unexpected manner?
Answer
I often hear people say they need or want closure. Is closure even possible? Something about the word itself doesn’t feel right and I’m curious what your take is on it.
Actually, it’s a very timely one too because I was listening to true crime podcast episode. And the host was actually even talking about closure and how the word doesn’t sit right with him. And so I felt like it was an important thing to talk about anyway. So thank you for bringing the question to my attention to do a podcast episode on it.
The thing to keep in mind is the relationship with the person who passed away. And so if you’re an outsider looking in, you may not know all the details of that relationship and you might have your perception of it but we often don’t know the details of other people’s relationships, how rich they were, or how good they were or maybe the negative aspects too.
We often don’t hear those things. But regardless, as an outsider looking in at other relationships, just keep in mind that you never really truly know the depths of other people’s relationships. So often too, we think about the lifetime of events with emotions that are attached that have affected you. And the longer the relationship, of course, the more events and the more experiences and the more memories that you’ve made with that person.
And there are emotions that are attached to those that will affect you, not just the circumstances or the speed, at which that loved one has passed away.
So we often focus on the end of the relationship and we do lose sight of the whole relationship. And so this word “closure” is unhelpful and inaccurate word because closure implies the end of a relationship.
And what people learn going through my program Do Grief Differently™️ or just If you’ve listened long enough to my podcast or you’ve read anything I’ve written, the relationship continues even though a person has died. There is a physical relationship that dies with that person, but the emotional and spiritual relationship continues.
And so rather than looking at needing closure, instead think about needing to become emotionally complete. And especially in circumstances where the person passes unexpectedly or tragically or maybe even they went missing. Right? Murder, homicide. They go missing.
They get a diagnosis and quickly decline. There are so many different circumstances that cause unexpected or unexpected loss or death. And so we often don’t get that opportunity like you maybe would if someone who has a terminal illness, who everyone is aware that that person is passing or it will pass and they’re in hospice care and you have an opportunity to become emotionally complete with that person while they’re still alive. Is that the time to do so? Not necessarily.
I could say a lot about this just because I had my own personal experience where I could have used that time to unleash my fury and my rage and my anger and all of the things that upset me throughout my life. However, when I was faced with that decision and went to see that person, which initially too surprised me because I didn’t have malice in my heart when I found out that they were dying. I felt like I needed to go see them because not for myself, but for them. It was a very interesting dichotomy because inside I was still a hurt little girl, but I also recognize the importance and the gravity of that decision to show up with love and compassion rather than with anger and rage because I didn’t feel that. I felt hurt. And oftentimes, anger and rage is really just masked. It’s a mask we wear for hurt and pain. And so that’s just my personal example of working to become emotionally complete, but I did that long after.
So it was kind of interesting how I can look back at that time now and my approach was unexpected even for myself. And so I just challenge you to think about what you are emotionally incomplete with when it comes to any relationship in your life and realize that you don’t have to confront anybody. You don’t have to have difficult conversations while they’re alive or if you have that opportunity such as in the case of terminal illness or if you don’t have that opportunity in an instance of an unexpected death, you can still become emotionally complete with that person after they have died by going through Do Grief Differently™️, the twelve-week program that I offer or in a group program setting.
So let’s quit saying the word “closure”. And let’s speak the truth about what we really are looking for is to become emotionally complete because the word closure is not helpful and let’s start changing that language for progress and changing that language to what the truth really is of what we’re really looking for and what we’re really what our heart really needs.
P.S. Do Grief Differently™️is twelve weeks in-person or online program that helps grieving who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. In Do Grief Differently™️ , you learn new tools, education, and a method you can utilize for the rest of your life. In this program and with my guidance, you remove the pain of grief. The sadness will always be there because even in complicated relationships, we love, but it’s the pain of grief that keeps us stuck. Are you ready to Do Grief Differently™️? Check out my website www.theunleashedheart.com to learn more.
