Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
Looking out the kitchen window, I could see the church from where I sat. I often pondered my faith through the years, as they passed, and the calendar flipped month to month.
When, in God’s name, will I stop feeling this way?
Today, I reflected on the many times I sat at my kitchen table working on myself. You may be wondering: “What does ‘working on one’s self’ look like?” Well, at the time, it had become somewhat an obsession. It was a weird hobby to find what made me tick, what made me behave and think the way I did at that time. And, what I learned about myself was pure gold awareness. However, the revolving thought I had then was how lucky I felt that I was able to sit at my kitchen table and dig deep into my inner-world.
The Only Way Out is Through
I received this beautiful reminder today of how incredibly fortunate I was to be able to dig deep back then. Financially, I was okay. I could sit at my kitchen table and create that time and mental space. Granted, I had been working late into the night and was up early with kids. And truth be told, we were not financially rolling in it either. But, I somehow knew that the only way out of the rut I was feeling I was drowning in – was to quit squirming (and resisting) my way deeper and instead, create the time, intention, and focus on working on myself. For me but also for those I love.
When we are feeling strangled financially, it’s hard to focus on anything else. There is always this undercurrent of desperation. I do speak from my varying degrees of financial hardship (which will differ for everyone), but I do remember that feeling. I remember it well – both as a child and well into adulthood. And, it’s those early financial and money experiences that shape and form our beliefs about money into adulthood, too.
Homegrown Beliefs
Do you hate to talk about money today? Look at what your relationship to money was as a child. What was the conversation around money growing up? What were the phrases and things you heard? There’s a clue there. And because it’s super-easy to tie everything into grief ( it’s the root of a whole lot of issue we have), do you think that the money talk growing up caused grief experiences for your parent(s)? And, don’t you think that rippled into your life experience, too?
I digress. The point is, is that there will always be a reason we don’t create the time and space to work on ourselves. Always. What I believe it comes down to, though, is courage. It takes courage to create change in our lives. And, personal development and growth is a long game. It does not happen overnight and it does take personal commitment and work.
One question I’d like to leave you with today is this: “What is one thing you want to do, but you have not found the courage to take action toward in your life? Two minutes. That’s all it takes is two minutes of courage to get the ball rolling. Send the email, make the call, order the book/program/course, ASK the darn thing that’s been sitting on your heart for God knows how long…
Two minutes of courage. Do the damn thing, friend. You’ve got this. It’s all learning, anyway. And, it’s impossible to fail if you reframe it as learning.
P.S. If you need a nudge, here’s yours: I have two spots available for the One-on-One Online Grief Recovery Program Online in June. And, I offer something special for working with me – both in the form of a gift and a bonus. Have I piqued your interest? If you’ve been standing at the edge of the pool of life, afraid to dive into the deep end (i.e., your heart), I’ve got you – the whole way through. You need not be afraid. There is so much goodness on the other side; I promise you that. I encourage you to find the courage to give yourself a gift that will keep on giving. Email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com or send a message via the Contact tab.
Educational, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
We easily get caught up in our emotions in the heat of the moment. And, in those moments, we aren’t usually self-aware of how those emotions are “showing up” within our body. Taking the time to identify what you’re feeling can help you to better cope with challenging situations. And, by doing a “body scan,” assessing head to toe how your body is responding to those emotions, is key to regaining body control. How often have you seen fists fly in a fit of anger? I know I have. Body language, facial expressions, and demeanor give away so much information without a word needing to be spoken.
I thought I would dive a bit more into feelings, as May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Last week, I shared a post about how we, as a society, need to change the mental health conversation, to remove the stigma surrounding it.
According to this research article, people who are good at being specific about identifying (and labeling) their emotions are less likely to binge drink, be physically aggressive, or self-injure when distressed. Also, when school-aged kids are taught about emotions for 20-30 minutes per week, their social behavior and school performance improve, according to this abstract. And, considering the English language has over 3,000 words for emotions, there should never be a shortage of feeling words to express how we’re feeling.
Tips for Owning Your Feelings
- Allow yourself to feel. We’ve all heard the expressions, “big girls don’t cry,” or “man up.” My favorite and the one I heard (and you likely did, too): “If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about.” These outdated phrases are not helpful. Everyone has emotions – they are part of the human experience. We have every right to feel what we’re feeling, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, socio-economic status, race, political affiliation, or religion.
- Don’t ignore how you’re feeling. Many of us tend to “bottle up” our feelings. We push them aside, doing our best to disregard and ignore them. Until we can’t contain them any longer, and we either “implode” or “explode.” When we “implode,” our bodies take that held emotional energy, and it comes out in the form of health issues: migraines, high blood pressure, bowel issues, body aches, etc.. I think we all know what happens when we explode. Usually, those closest to us suffer the consequences of “exploding” with angry outbursts, passive-aggressive behavior, manipulation, etc..
- Talk it out. Finding a “heart with ears” to share how you’re feeling can be a great outlet. But, not everyone is a fit for that title. Because, often, people either want to rush to solve the problem or share their own experience. The perfect “heart with ears” for you is someone who doesn’t necessarily have skin in the game. Because most of us do not come out of the womb full of emotional knowledge and we do not receive a formal education in knowing how to communicate, it’s even more critical we learn these skills (and then teach them to our children).
- Build your emotional vocabulary. The familiar words we use to express ourselves are: mad, sad, bad, good, or the most common – fine. However, there are even better words to describe how we feel. Try building your feeling vocabulary by writing down as many “feeling” words as you can think of and time you felt that way. These feeling words are a list you can refer to when talking about feelings with your children.
- Try journaling. Each night, write down at least three feelings you had throughout the day and what caused them. It doesn’t have to be pages and pages of writing; just a few sentences to help you feel comfortable with identifying and expressing your emotions.
- Consider the strength of your feelings. If you think about how intense your feelings are, ask yourself if there is a more descriptive word. For example, if you’re feeling stressed, what you may be feeling is annoyed. Or, if you are feeling angry, alternatively, the more profound emotion may be a feeling of betrayal.
- See a mental health professional. If you are taking steps to get more in touch with your feelings, but are having trouble dealing with them, it is best to ask a professional for help. If you don’t, we go back to the idea that you either implode or explode. You may resort to STERBs (short-term energy relieving behavior) such as exercise, shopping, gambling, drinking, anger, food, etc.. Besides, seeking help is better, too, than the alternative of imploding with health issues.
Grief is at the heart of many emotional issues. I feel like a broken record sometimes. However, because grief occurs in the context of relationships, and if, within those relationships, we haven’t addressed our internal emotional map “stuff,” we will not have the self-awareness we need to maintain healthy relationships with effective communication. Grief recovery not only provides an education, but it helps lay the foundation for emotional self-awareness. And then, the program takes it one step further by providing you with new tools to process those emotions.
If you want to dive deep into your emotional landscape, or if there’s a relationship that holds so much emotional charge in your life that it impacts every aspect of your life, I encourage you to work with me online. I have a few spots open to help hurting hearts feel better.
P.S. If you feel like you are struggling with your mental health, check your symptoms with the Mental Health Screening Tool available HERE.
P.P.S. To inquire about working with me, email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com or call me at 701.336.7720.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Reiki, Resources |
For me, 2019 was my year of focusing on my mental health. I’ve continued to do so in 2020, ensuring I am checking in with myself. It is so important that we can recognize when we’re not quite feeling right.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month and how fitting, for the times we all find ourselves in, and, with Mother’s Day right around the corner. I know for myself, my “mom brain” has not felt like itself many times since quarantine started. My thirteen-year-old daughter has been telling me that “this is going to be the best Mother’s Day ever!” I have no idea what she has up her sleeve, likely along with her sister, but I do look forward to it! I’m sure my son has made no plans – in typical teen-boy fashion. Just to give you a glimpse into the banter that is pretty typical in our home, I had said to my daughter: “So, if it’s the best Mother’s Day ever, does that mean I get the whole house to myself for an entire day?” Without skipping a beat, she replied: “You’re not that lucky!” Lol! Awww well, after seven weeks, does it even matter anymore? Well – yes, yes, it does.
Our mental health can leave us feeling as though we’re in the middle of a mental tornado, stuck drifting out at sea, or surrounding by flames. Or, we can feel like we’re floating on our backs, sailing, and feeling the warm sun on our skin, our thoughts drifting and passing through the mind. I don’t know about you, but the latter sounds pretty much like an oasis.
And, here’s the thing – yes, some contributing factors within the mind are beyond our control. However, so much of what manifests within our bodies in illness or dis-ease, are a by-product of our emotional climate and not necessarily our mental environment, and there’s a difference. More often than not, it is grief that clouds our mental game with emotional clout. We have thought patterns and beliefs that become so engrained; we can’t imagine our life without them. We become so accustomed to the negative self-talk, bouts of anger, and personal judgments, that to imagine a fulfilled and joyful life seems like a dream that’s meant only for other people. Or, we believe that – if only we were wealthier, skinnier, faster, more beautiful, etc., that we would find happiness.
This past year, for me, has felt like a real-life coming of age book, full of challenges, personal triumphs, and some regret, too. In a lot of ways, I still feel like there’s lots of mental growth that needs to happen. Just today, I realized how much emotional gunk I’ve worked through the past year. I found hope in The Grief Recovery Method that helped me move forward in a significant relationship in a healthy way, not to mention, work through many other relationships using the tools I learned, too.
Additionally, I experienced flashbacks to a traumatic experience I had long buried that came up during, of all things, my reiki levels I & II certification. And, it’s still an ongoing process of healing through the utilization of new tools I will forever have in grief recovery, as well as through reiki. During my reiki master training, I experienced even more healing of that traumatic experience. Grief recovery and reiki have been the perfect blend of healing modalities that have allowed me to process my emotional blocks in a healthy, productive, life-changing way.
The progress of my healing was brought to light this week. The accountability group I joined six months ago met online for our last official call. We come from all walks of life, with varied backgrounds and challenges. What these women shared with me was how, from when they first met me, there was this negative aura around me. And, since that time, I’ve turned into Pollyanna (i.e., an excessively cheerful or optimistic person). What was shared, took me a couple of days to process and digest; because, on this call, we all shared how we see each other, what we love about them, and where they shine. It can feel uncomfortable to have a bunch of women shower you with compliments; it’s not something we typically experience, right? But, it was in their sharing that I recognized, for myself, how far I’ve come in my healing. Just as hurt people hurt people, healed people help others heal, which is why it’s so important that I make my mental health a priority. In doing so, I am at my best, so I can hold space for others in their healing.
How I Make My Mental Health a Priority
Not long ago, I had a session with a healer. She shared how sadness was the emotion that came up during the session, which wasn’t a surprise to me. As we talked, I shared with her that sorrow (i.e., grief) is one of the feelings that’s always been present in my life. She felt it came up for me even before my dad had passed away when I was eight. And, as I reflected, my earliest memories of myself are me hiding to cry, under my bed, in the linen closet, even the kitchen cupboard. I did not dare cry or, I would be given something to cry about (as children are often told). And so, like many children, I grew up hiding my sadness, and even as I sit here and write this today, I often find myself doing the same at the older, wiser, and more evolved age of forty-one. Our child wounds run deep, friend. And, it takes inner-work (i.e., action) to pull those weeds up from the root.
I’ve found myself led toward healing modalities that have equipped me with tools and education I can utilize on an ongoing basis and share with others. I don’t believe that’s a coincidence. Since my mid-twenties, being of service and aligning that with my skills and education has been burning in my heart. And, everything I’ve learned this past year has positively impacted every aspect of my life – more than I imagined.
These days, with grief recovery, reiki, meditation, journaling, exercise, and self-help books, I’ve found myself feeling more like myself. I remember when I was trying to find a way to be of service when my kids were little. I worked overnights as a certified nursing assistant in a nursing home when I was pregnant with our second, and later transitioned to home healthcare. I honestly wouldn’t have had to work at that time, but for me, it was essential to feeling like I was of service in a way that didn’t include diapers and breastfeeding. Later, I would choose entrepreneurship. And, thank goodness I did; it laid the groundwork and foundation for what I’ve created in my life today.
My Message To You
My message to you today is this: I am no one special. There is nothing extraordinary about me. I put my pants on the same way as you. I struggle with the very same things as a parent, mom, spouse, etc.. I have days I know I’m not being patient or have had unkind thoughts. This is what it is to be human.
All that said, what I am now, that I never felt as strongly as I do today is: empowered, confident, and very intently sure of my inner-knowing. Discovering these qualities within myself had taken years of excavating (when I started digging into my emotional wellness in 2014). But, only because I hadn’t discovered grief recovery until 2019. My growth this past year has been ten-fold. And, you know what – it can be for you, too.
You may not identify yourself as someone grieving. And, had someone asked me in 2014 or even as far back as 2001 (when my life was going off the rails) if I was grieving – I would have said “no.” Looking back, I know my emotional state, and my behaviors (especially after having children), were textbook for someone grieving. I was not practicing self-care (often not showering for days), had regular, angry outbursts, found myself pouring myself into entrepreneurship, which was a preoccupation for being present. I also sought help from a physician during that time who simply thought a pill was the cure. For many, many years, even after trying therapy, too, I felt like I was on an island. And, I felt like there was something wrong with me.
Once the health issues started in late 2013, which carried on through the years without resolve, I felt like I was “crazy.” I understand why people resort to going from doctor to doctor to doctor – hoping one will finally listen or do what is necessary to find the issue. And, you know what? I’ll let you in on a secret. Not a single doctor ever asked me: “What happened to you?” Not one doctor asked me: “How did you get here, to this point, in your declining health?” Not a one. Why? Because physicians are not trained, therapists. And, physicians are not educated in grief in medical school either. And, likewise, unless a licensed therapist seeks further education on grief on their own, traditional schooling does not include it. It’s why there are dozens of licensed therapists who sought certification with The Grief Recovery Institute.
Changing the Conversation
The collective conversation around mental health needs to change. It is my mission to spread the message that we start talking about mental and emotional health (i.e., grief) like we do about the weather. I am very honored and proud to now offer a way to spread this message. As one of around 150 advanced grief recovery method specialists in the world (and the only one in ND), I feel like I can offer something very special to North Dakotans from the comfort of their own homes, and also, to anyone – anywhere.
The question to ask yourself is not what it costs you to take this action. The better question to ask yourself is: “What does it cost me, in my life, to not take action.”
If you’re willing to invest years, time, and money into therapy and anything and everything else under the sun and have yet to get results, why not consider this? I urge you to get in touch with me. Could I sell ice to an Eskimo? Sure. I’ve sold Kirby vacuum cleaners. However, if the Kirby would’ve been grief recovery back when I was going door-to-door, I wouldn’t have needed to sell Kirby’s in the first place. You discover so much more going through this method than I can even put into words.
If your gut is nudging you to contact me as you read this – listen to that whisper. Our guided intuition will never steer us wrong. Having the ability to understand and have that inner-knowing has been one of the many gifts I’ve received from doing this work on myself. Reach out to me via email at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com with any questions or book a free consultation HERE.
This blog post goes out to all of those who are struggling with emotional and mental illness right now. Not to mention, all the mamas, the desire-to-be-mamas, and the earth mamas of angel babies this Mother’s Day. I know it’s not a joyful occasion for so many and my heart is with you.
Mind your mind, but first – listen to your heart.
P.S. Resources:
- My website – there are many articles on my blog about grief, and there is also access to free, educational PDF’s like The Free Guide for Loss
- The Grief Recovery Institute
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255 – if you’re thinking about suicide or know someone who is
- Crisis National Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-8255
- 24/7 Crisis Counselor – Text “HOME” to 741-741
- Better Help – affordable, private, online counseling
- FirstLink211 – an online resource specifically for ND and parts of MN
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Resources |
I had an entirely different post planned for today (which has happened before). Coincidentally, the blog post I had planned was about tips for grieving children (that will now be shared next week).
One of my previous grief recovery group participants tagged me in a post on Facebook after I had started the other post, and I knew I needed to write about what she shared. In searching for the perfect image for this post, I discovered that not only this week is National Infertility Awareness Week, April is also National Child Abuse Prevention Month. How did I not know about these?
So, there I went, down a rabbit hole of attempting to find a Google calendar I could import into my calendar for days like these so, I didn’t miss special days/weeks/months like these again. Surprisingly, National Infertility Awareness Week (this week) isn’t mentioned! I did find that National Child Abuse Prevention Month listed on a few but not all. What the heck? I did not see National Infertility Week mentioned on a calendar anywhere, except when I went to find an image for it. Boggles my mind!
Anyway, I digress; onto today’s post.
My heart is heavy today; I’m not gonna lie. I’ve had days like this early on, with Covid-19, where I felt this wave of grief just hit me. Today is one of those days. I’m thinking about the woman who tagged me on her post. I’m thinking about how blessed I am that I don’t know what it’s like to struggle to bring a life into this world—blessed not to know the anguish of losing a life that I’ve carried. I should be blessed and grateful, and I am – and I am sorry, so so sorry to those who don’t feel like there is enough gratitude about this in the word. So, I feel like the least I can do is use this platform to bring awareness to infertility and the grief it brings, in a way I know about grief.
Infertility as a Grieving Experience
Infertility is one of those grief experiences that lurks in the dark corners of a desire-to-be mother’s heart (and of her partner as well – we can’t forget them, too). It’s often unheard or talked about openly. And, even in close circles, I imagine, it can feel like, once shared (if at all), it’s business as usual for the world all around. Every loss is different; however, to not know the heartbeat of another inside your womb, to not have the opportunity to experience the first kick, or to have these moments where you feel a connection unlike any other – only for that little life to be taken away. The thought of it breaks my heart.
National Infertility Awareness Week this week is a reminder for us all that womanhood can feel like one of the greatest blessings, and yet, a curse. If you are struggling with infertility or experienced the loss of the most precious gift a woman can receive (in my opinion), I hope you have support. I hope you have a heart with ears in your life, someone who will sit with you in your sadness, perhaps even share in it, too. Because I do believe this is one of those losses that women do shy themselves away from talking about, unfortunately.
The calendar maker-people of the world don’t think to mention it. 🙁
Grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
Grief is: anything we wish would have been different, better, or more.
It is safe to say that infertility (and miscarriage) fully encompass the definition of grief.
Then, there are the precious children who come into this world full of innocence, only for some of them to be on the receiving end of someone else’s hurt. Hurt people hurt people. And, sometimes it’s the little people – whose voices are silenced, and where intimidation is used as a manipulation tactic for control, who end up hurt.
Isn’t it fitting? This month is child abuse prevention month, and it falls during a pandemic, where there’s already enough chaos to go around the world tenfold. Bring all of that chaos into a home that has already been experiencing struggle, hardship, abuse, addiction, etc…and the most vulnerable are the ones who suffer.
Grieving Children Become Grieving Adults
The grief we adults carry (and have carried for who knows how long), is amplified right now. It’s like the grief of the world is in a pressure cooker. Those of us with children, we owe it to our children (and their future) to get our emotional poop in a group. We all learned about cause and effect as kids. This principle applies to our actions and emotions, too. The cost of not facing our emotional dis-ease, is not only costing us our health but also negatively impacting the health and well-being of this world’s future.
Grief is not a disease. It is not a mental illness that needs to be “fixed.” Grief is a normal and natural response to changes in familiar patterns of behavior. And, it is possible to recover from what is emotionally incomplete. “Recovery” doesn’t mean you will forget or that you’ll no longer feel sad. Recovery is completion, allowing you to move forward in your life without being tied to the emotional pain that exists at the end of the relationship or within a grief-causing experience. You may feel that if you lose the pain, then what’s left, right? What happens when the story that I keep telling (that’s looping on repeat in my mind) goes away? That’s the fear of completion, and it is a valid fear. However, how about the fear of never feeling a connection to the person in their entirety again? Instead, only thinking about the person and feel pain? How about the fear of forever being stuck in the past? What if you never allow yourself to live fully in the present? Which fear holds more weight in your heart?
When you grow up with grief, as children of abuse do, and do not have the support a grieving child needs, you become an adult who’s never learned to grieve healthily. And, whatever you’ve learned about grief, you pass on to your children – and so, this cyclic pattern of learned behavior continues for generations and generations.
The Helping Children with Loss program is near and dear to my heart. And today, I think about all of the children who are victims of abuse, and it makes me incredibly sad – but also more determined in this work.
Breaking this cycle of not knowing how to talk about grief and address it starts with you – in your home and your heart.
I dedicate this post to the women who grieve for a child and, for the children grieving who feel unwanted. We need to stop looking away from grief and talk about it like we talk about the weather.
Grief is our world’s pandemic. And we need to stop looking away – from the pain within and around us.
P.S. Are you interested in completing what is emotionally incomplete for you? Are you interested in learning new tools, education, and receive grief support that moves you forward in an action-based way? Seven weeks to emotional freedom from the past that binds you is possible. Click HERE if you’re interested in being the first to know about a new service available in May 2020.
Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Reiki, Resources, Spirituality |
We all have that thing; a horrible experience, a needling feeling in our heart, a painful itch you can’t ever seem to scratch.
If you took a drone and hovered it over your life, it might look like days not showering, angry outbursts toward loved ones; hours spent binge-watching reality tv, or hours lying in bed – your mind filled with worry, anxiousness, or fear.
It might also look like “productivity:” hours of exercise, baking, reading fantasy, getting a new pet (which requires countless hours of training), obsessive cleaning/organizing, etc..
Emotional dis-ease manifests differently in our lives for every one of us.
For me, it looked like a mom who felt anxious daily; frazzled and torn between obligation, responsibility and what my heart truly needed – healing. As a parent, I know the struggle with the relationship to time to not only be there for those around you but also create time and space for yourself to look inward.
I feel like there is a massive gap in our culture of self-work and the obligations of being a parent. How do we bridge that gap? How do we create the time and space our hearts need when we’re bombarded by life daily?
Back in 2014, things were coming to a head for me. I was faced with this very dilemma of wanting to figure my shit out so I could finally be content with myself and my life and compartmentalizing all of that so I could be present for my children.
I look back on that time now, and I know I wasn’t present. I know there are gaps in my memory that go far back to my childhood. Whether there are blocks of time I’ve consciously or subconsciously blocked out from my awareness (even as an adult), I’ve yet to discover; however, it’s what I’m currently exploring.
Trauma has a way of creeping up on us after the fact. Often, we don’t recognize it as such either. Instead, it manifests in ways I’ve previously described. But it’s there, like an undercurrent of a flowing river, just going along until it finds its way out. Eventually, it does find a way out.
Making Time and Creating Space for Healing
Self-healing is like peeling back the layers of an onion. Every time we remove one layer, another emerges. Unprocessed emotions have a way of making their presence known when we least expect them to appear, too. We must find a way and the time, even if it means going away for an overnight one day per month. That’s where a program, based on a time-frame was most beneficial for me. I could leave my obligations and responsibilities behind, so I could focus on healing and healing alone. It took years to make it a priority for myself. But, I do feel that what I needed, found its way to me in perfect timing. All the stuff I did leading up to it, stacked up, preparing me for what was to come. So, never discount the little actions, the small things you do daily to nurture healing. It’s often the micro-actions that build the foundation for major emotional shifts and breakthroughs.
The One Thing that Changed My Life
The one thing that has changed my life, above anything else, was beginning to peel back the onion and doing the inner work. Layer by layer, I’m discovering where my heart and soul need healing (even now; it’s a work-in-progress without an “I’ve arrived” date).
Our best selves go into hiding when our brains use logic to make sense of emotionally dangerous situations. All the while, our hearts put up a wall and armor up to the world around us.
Self-discovery is a marathon. There’s no one way to awareness and enlightenment. However, just like in training for a marathon, we are required to take action. And not just action for the sake of taking action. I’m talking intentional and intuitive, hearts-desire action.
I’m partial to The Grief Recovery Method; however, I know it’s the only way. Do I feel it’s the best way to get a good start on your “heart onion?” Absolutely. It’s a guided and safe process that creates a massive dent in the emotional dis-ease we all carry in a set timeframe (i.e. there is something to look forward to – there is hope). Combining it with conventional therapy (which isn’t a requirement) is an even better scenario, depending on your situation. But, I also rely on other means of doing my own “heart-onion” work, too. Reiki has been the hands around my heart, offering support exactly where I need it, as I work through processing the emotional gunk.
And here’s the thing, my gut intuition and a deep desire to live my best life has led to this post I’m writing today. If someone would have told me in 2014 when I was sitting at my kitchen table, not having showered for three days, pouring over self-help content for hours – that I’d be where I’m at today. I would have said, “Amen, Hallelujah – there is hope.”
My Wish for You Today
If you receive anything from today’s blog post, my goal is that you feel a sense of hope come wash over you. Use hope as your guide-post, affirming that better days are ahead. Allow hope to take root in the deepest crevice of your heart today and allow it to lift your spirits.
This is Easter weekend and nothing about it neither looks nor feels like Easter – on television, anyway. So, for the weekend, tune out the television and tune into your heart. Take in the songs of the birds, the smell of orchids, and the sights of new life. And, take a moment to look into your heart; asking God, the Archangels, or universe (whomever you choose) to guide you to whatever it is your heart is calling you to heal using whatever methods feel good to you.
Never lose hope; it is the one thing that keeps, at very least, one foot out of despair.
Sending you so much love and many blessings this Easter weekend.
There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin
P.S. Begining mid-May, I will be certified as an advanced grief recovery method specialist. This will enable me to offer grief recovery one-on-one to anyone, anywhere. If you would like to be in the loop as to when this becomes available (and other applicable info), enter your details HERE. You will also be given the option to receive my weekly newsletter, where I include all news, promotions, and content not shared anywhere else.
Grief, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
Several months ago, I was sitting in rooms filled with social workers. I decided to attend the Veterans Administration Mental Health Summit, where I had a booth for my grief recovery work. I also had the opportunity to sit in on the presentations. One speaker was talking about suicide prevention. A psychiatrist gave another presentation within the VA who talked about EMDR and other “evidence-based” treatments. The most moving presentations were by veterans themselves who had attempted suicide. Sitting at a table with at least six others (all social workers), I was the only one moved to tears. One woman was on her phone during one veteran’s heart-wrenching account of his story. I don’t know what was pressing at the moment that she thought was more important; however, it spoke volumes to me – no disrespect to social workers. My observation was that, without being a veteran with a similar experience, they resort to what they know and their personal experience.
I still remember the defeated feeling I felt when I left. I remember feeling as though the only way I could help veterans, the way they deserved (within the VA healthcare system and at no cost to them) was to go to college and become a licensed social worker. But, I thought to myself: “I already have this fantastic program available to me that is ‘evidence-based;’ why does it feel like I’m climbing Mt. Everest?” To me, I just needed the right person to hear me out. But that wasn’t happening. Even when I thought I had finally made some progress in a conversation, I only received more discouragement.
Working my way into the VA system, which would allow me to serve the veteran community (while still having a business), has been met with hope and heaps more resistance. Most, who I’ve spoken with, have been open to hearing what I have to say, wish they could help, but then smacked me with the reality that the VA system just doesn’t play nicely with “unlicensed” folk (in not those exact words).
Well, had I listened to all the naysayers, those who said it likely couldn’t be done, I would’ve quit when yet another door was closed in front of me. I wouldn’t be writing this post right now. I would have stopped when given the tenth or fifteenth “good luck.”
What I think we (more often than not) do to ourselves, and what all of those who I spoke with don’t know or realize, is they were placing their limitations on me. And, for a time, I allowed it. I was feeling defeated. I was wondering if this bigger picture vision I’d been holding for myself this entire past year was going to fade into the background of my life. And, not only crush my spirit but become yet another “thing,” I tried.
Fast-forward to a week ago, after over a month of hoop-jumping, I received my “approved” status to work as a contractor for the federal government (i.e., that would include the VA). I don’t know the impact this will have on my business (or my life), but I feel like it’s a massive leap of hope forward. And I do feel like it’s another step in fulfilling a higher purpose in my life. This accomplishment feels enormous to me; in ways, I don’t yet know myself. I have no doubt, I will have more hoops to jump through; however, this hurdle was a big one.
We lie to ourselves – all the damn time. We believe the crap-stories we tell ourselves. We get stuck around the axel of “I can’t(s)” and “It’s going to be painful” and “life sucks” or whatever other garbage we hold onto like a storage tank.
My mentor Lois said it best: “Would you rather be a processing plant or a storage tank?”
It starts with the lies we tell ourselves. That, it’s more comfortable being a storage tank. That, the pain is far more comfortable (and more familiar) than what it takes to get on the other side.
The inspiration for the title of this blog post comes from a quote I read in a book I just started reading. And I believe it to be true.
The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves. – Elvin Semrad
What lies are you telling yourself that you believe these days? What are you taking in as truth from someone else? Because it may feel right to them, but that doesn’t mean it is going to be right for you. Here is where compassion enters the room.
We see the world through the lens of our own experience. Grief recovery has taught me that, although trauma changes us through and through, it doesn’t have to be the only story we are capable of believing. To me, there’s always hope. Grief recovery gave me that, not just in addressing my trauma, but in every facet of my life, as I’ve shared with you today.
Become the story you want to believe.
Do you want to see more hope in the world?
Start by embodying it.
