Educational, Emotions, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Pespective, Podcast, solo episode |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Today’s episode of GrievingVoices takes a deep dive into the complex emotion of anger, especially for us Human Design Manifestor-types navigating loss and trauma. I open up about my battle with anger following life’s curveballs and how it can be misunderstood or mishandled.
As someone who has walked through the fire of personal loss and trauma, I’ve learned firsthand how anger can be both destructive and transformative. It’s not just an outburst; it’s a signal calling us to introspection.
Why does this affect me so deeply?
What boundaries have been crossed?
Many turn to short-term fixes or STERBs (short-term energy-relieving behaviors) like anger to cope with grief. But these are merely band-aids on deeper emotional wounds. The key lies in processing anger constructively. This isn’t about suppressing emotions but rather understanding them—identifying what needs protection or restoration within ourselves before we react impulsively.
Key Takeaways:
-Anger should prompt introspection rather than projection onto others.
-Short-term coping mechanisms like STERBs provide temporary relief but do not address underlying emotional pain.
– Constructive processing of anger involves self-protection and restoration efforts.
– Emotional intelligence grows through understanding our reactions and setting healthy boundaries.
Establishing clear boundaries emerged as another critical theme. The absence of boundary-setting skills during childhood can lead to adult challenges such as unchecked anger. To navigate this complex terrain, the book “Boundaries” is recommended for those seeking guidance on creating and implementing boundaries.
Engagement with our emotions in real-time fosters balance and wellness. Tools like visualization and mindful breathing are practical strategies for dissipating anger without confrontation. We pave the way toward transformative life changes by embracing self-awareness and actively managing our emotions.
Join me in embracing self-awareness and mastering emotional management as pathways toward transforming our lives after loss.
RESOURCES:
Episode Sponsor: Magic Mind | Use the code “GRIEVINGVOICES” to receive one month free with a 3-month subscription. This special promotion is only for January!
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Navigating the Stormy Seas of Grief: Understanding and Managing Anger
Grief is an ocean of emotion, vast and unpredictable. For many who have lost a loved one or experienced significant life changes, anger can be a tempestuous wave that crashes over them without warning. On today’s episode of “Grieving Voices,” hosted by myself from theunleashedheart.com, I delve deep into this fiery aspect of grief.
As not an only advanced grief recovery method specialist but also as someone who has weathered my own storms of loss. With over three decades under my belt navigating personal grieving experiences—including the loss of my father—I bring both professional insight and heartfelt empathy to our discussion on dealing with anger in grief.
Why Does Anger Manifest in Grief?
Anger during grief often arises from a place within us that feels violated; it may stem from feelings of injustice or powerlessness following a loss. It’s important to recognize that anger isn’t inherently negative—it’s a natural response to pain and can signal areas where we require healing or change.
However, when misunderstood or repressed, anger becomes unhealthy. It festers like an untreated wound, leading potentially to bitterness or even physical ailments due to the stress it imposes on our bodies.
The Pitfalls of Short-Term Energy Relieving Behaviors (STERBs)
In trying times, grievers might turn towards behaviors such as outbursts of rage—or STERBs—to momentarily alleviate their suffering. While these actions might offer temporary solace by releasing pent-up energy, they do little for long-term emotional well-being.
The real challenge lies in confronting what remains emotionally unresolved within us—the core issues beneath the surface-level expressions of distress—and addressing those directly.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries
A key factor contributing to feelings like resentment is poor boundary setting—a topic all too familiar for many individuals brought up without an understanding of healthy personal limits. Without clear boundaries, you may find yourself slipping into roles that don’t serve you well: becoming overly accommodating at your expense (people-pleasing) or struggling with asserting your needs effectively (difficulty saying no).
For those eager to learn more about establishing healthier interpersonal dynamics—which can significantly reduce instances where anger stems from feeling taken advantage of—I recommend reading the book *Boundaries* which provides profound insights into this critical skill set for maintaining emotional health.
Embracing Your Emotional Compass
As we wrap up today’s conversation on “Grieving Voices,” remember that each emotion carries its message—one worth listening to if we are brave enough to face it head-on. Whether through acknowledging our hurt openly instead of masking it behind aggression or learning how to better manage stressful situations using tools like Magic Mind—we must strive toward understanding ourselves deeper.
In facing these challenging emotions related specifically to sadness & fury associated with w/losses big & small alike, let’s take heart in my closing mantra: Unleash your heart so you may unleash your life! Share this podcast episode if it resonates with you & continue spreading compassion simply by being “a heart with ears.”
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk
00:01:29 – 00:01:51
Hello friends. Welcome to another episode of Grieving Voices if you’ve been listening all along. Today is episode 179, and that seems crazy to say.
Victoria Volk
00:01:51 – 00:02:16
This is the 179th time that I’m sitting down to record for you. And what a blessing and what a ride it’s been, and so thank you for being here. And if this is your first time listening, I hope you come back for another episode. Today, I wanna talk about anger. And the question is, that a lot of grievers have.
Victoria Volk
00:02:18 – 00:03:19
It’s something that I’ve personally struggled with a lot of my life. And, you know, in learning about human design and being a manifestor, our not self theme as a manifestor is anger. And so every time, you know, when I reflect on my past and my life up to this point, there’s a lot of moments where I can distinctly remember where my anger got the best of me. And particularly with a grieving experience, you know, after my dad had passed away and then being molested, a year later and subsequently, later after that, I was holding a lot of anger in my body. There was no way for me to channel it.
Victoria Volk
00:03:19 – 00:03:47
And actually, it wasn’t really an emotion that I learned was healthy. You know, so many of us grew up in homes where anger is expressed but yet we’re shamed for it or, it’s like something to keep to yourself. Right?, like, it’s, you know, don’t express it to other people because, I mean, it’s hurt it can be hurtful too. Right?
Victoria Volk
00:03:47 – 00:04:46
Like anger projected onto other people can Inflict emotional wounds on others. We can be very, what’s the word? Victimizing of others with our anger, and also, we’re also suffering when we do that because I believe that we are all sparks of love and light, and, you know, we come into this world in love, and I believe we go out of this world in love and so I would say anger is a not love theme too for all of us, but it’s there to serve a purpose, I believe, as well. Anger shows us where we have some work to do on ourselves. Not where other people need to work on themselves or where other people need to heal something within us.
Victoria Volk
00:04:47 – 00:05:30
I think when anger comes up, it is like a stop sign like, woah, hold the bus. Why is this upsetting me? Why do I feel activated by you or this conversation or this thing you did or the feelings that I’m feeling, why am I feeling fired up inside? Why am I feeling passionate about this that, you know, it can come up as anger too when we feel like this injustice is being done or I mean, there’s plenty of that around the world right now, and we can feel angry about it. We can feel angry at God for the suffering that we experience in our lives, like I was for many years.
Victoria Volk
00:05:32 – 00:06:03
Why would God allow such, you know, things to happen. Why would God take a young child’s parent away? Why would God allow sexual abuse of children. There’s so many questions that come up within our grief and our trauma, and the anger can be so overwhelming and all consuming. We have nowhere to put it.
Victoria Volk
00:06:03 – 00:06:52
We don’t know what to do with it. And I can’t talk about anger without talking about STERBS or short term energy relieving behaviors, which is what we call them in grief recovery. These are things that we do as gravers to relieve or dispel this overwhelming build up of emotional energy that is caused by the death of a person for whom we are grieving or something someone did to us. And the problem with STERBs is that that’s their short-term. There’s no long-term relief when we just use up energy to distract ourselves from our pain.
Victoria Volk
00:06:53 – 00:07:23
It doesn’t make the pain go away. And one of the most common short-term relievers is anger. And the problem with anger is that you can never finish or complete it. It’s like this key it keeps looping like a hamster on a wheel. And the more time you spend using your energy to express the anger, you know, and lashing out to the other person or even taking it to the gym.
Victoria Volk
00:07:23 – 00:08:08
Right?, And just was going to town on a on a punching bag, the less time you spend on what would help you discover and resolve what was left emotionally unfinished for you, either by the death of a loved one or by not addressing what is really at the crux of whatever loss it is that you experienced. And the other issues, with STERBS, we can, you know, related to sterbs and anger is, you know, we want we wanna get rid of that anger. We don’t know what to do with it. We wanna get rid of it, but so what we do is we just kind of attempt to disassociate ourselves from it.
Victoria Volk
00:08:08 – 00:08:44
Like, I just need to get away from the situation. I just need to try and forget about it. And so we start, we might actually slip into these other these other emotions come into play. Right? And then we can feel depressed about where we are in our situation, and we might be sleeping more and spending endless hours watching TV or reading novels that help us escape from our day to day lives and our emotions that we’re experiencing such as strong emotions of anger and, of course, grief.
Victoria Volk
00:08:45 – 00:09:33
But those nonaction activities do nothing to help you discover and complete what is emotionally unfinished for you? It’s with action that you can turn things around. Being able to find the language and articulate what it is that you are angry about. And often, so often, anger shows us, and doing the the steps of grief recovery show us where we don’t have boundaries or where a boundary has been violated. Before we get on the topic of boundaries, I have a shout-out for my sponsor of this episode, Magic Mind.
Victoria Volk
00:09:33 – 00:10:15
You take it alongside your usual morning coffee or tea for 7 plus hours of flow. It benefits will build up with consecutive daily use, and most people feel 90% of the effects by day 3. And if you have a sensitive stomach, you can take it with a bit of food or a glass of water. And if matcha taste is not for you, you can try it with your favorite milk or add it to sparkling water. I personally enjoy the taste of Magic Mind, I think it’s got just a hint of a sweet taste in this little 2 ounce shot, but it’s filled with magical twelve active ingredients scientifically proven to provide sustainable energy, improve focus, and decrease stress and anxiety.
Victoria Volk
00:10:16 – 00:10:40
One shot gets you into your most productive flow state. Customers report a 40% boost to productivity on average. They say athletes have gatorade and now creators have creator aid. And so I just wanna give a shout out to them. And if you are listening to this and you wanna give it a try, they have a special promotion right now for my listeners only in January.
Victoria Volk
00:10:41 – 00:11:15
You get 1 month for free when you subscribe for 3 months at the go to the website, magicmind.com/jangrievingvoices. That’s magicmind.com/jangrievingvoices and use my code grieving voices, and that gets you an extra 20% off, which gets you to a total of 75% off. And remember, this only lasts until the end of January, so hurry up before this offer goes away. And I hope that you find it just as useful for you as I have in my morning routine. Alright.
Victoria Volk
00:11:15 – 00:11:52
Back to the episode and talking about boundaries. Alright. So far, we’ve talked about anger as being a stirr up, a short-term energy relieving behavior. And I’ve mentioned how when anger arises within ourselves and we feel it coming up in our body and rising up, it’s usually in response to something someone did or something someone said or something that we’re really activated by. It could be something even we’re passionate about, maybe even in injustice in the world, and when we feel this coming up within us, it’s coming up for to be in within our awareness.
Victoria Volk
00:11:53 – 00:13:31
And, really, the question we could be asking ourselves when we are feeling anger is, a, what must be protected, and b, What must be restored? These are two questions you can ask yourself when you’re feeling activated with anger. And you can choose to either respond to the other person if they’ve said or done something towards you, but really that’s not going to resolve anything that will probably make that other person just feel defensive and, you know, unless they’re emotionally intelligent and have worked so much on themselves and have addressed so much anger in their life, they’re likely to respond like most of society would respond, and that would be in a defensive pattern, with probably more anger back towards you. And then not only is it something that you’re angry about what they just said or did, but now It’s even severed that relationship or hindered or wounded that relationship even more. So we deepen these wounds when we don’t stop long enough to think about and have some introspection about why we’re angry and what is it that is bringing up so much disease within us, this fiery response that we feel in every cell of our our bodies that, you know, we feel like we just gotta punch something or we want to we have to like we have to do something with this activated energy.
Victoria Volk
00:13:32 – 00:14:24
And so we can either move it physically or you can move it with your mind. Right?, like, energetically. Like, I’ve learned a lot about this just in the energetics of emotions and The energy healing work that I’ve been doing and for my personal my own personal emotional hygiene is we can our minds are amazing, miraculous things and a tool that is sorely underestimated, but because we give it so much power that in circumstances like these when we’re feeling angry and it’s like poop, the monkey mind just takes over and we have this initial response and we don’t pause long enough to and we don’t pause long enough to check-in with our emotional body. And it is our emotional body responding to, like I said, these a boundary or something that needs to be protected or something that needs to be restored.
Victoria Volk
00:14:24 – 00:15:15
And so asking ourselves those questions can lead us to better answers. And so if you want to you can either physically move that energy with your mind or your body and then through your breath, which is underestimated as well. Like, we can you can take your your mind through this mental process of putting imagine when you feel activated by someone or something, imagine this fiery energy just surrounding you. Feel feel imagine yourself as like this flame and allowing it to intensify, allowing those emotions to intensify this flame that you’re feeling, it seems counterintuitive, but just stay with me. So you feel this energy building up and this the fire within you and this boundary fire.
Victoria Volk
00:15:15 – 00:15:31
Right? Like, it let’s let’s think of it as active energy. Right? Because again, what needs to be protected? There’s something within you that is being activated because there’s a boundary being dishonored in some way.
Victoria Volk
00:15:31 – 00:15:52
You know, maybe it was you’re bound you’re maybe you value honesty, and this person just lied to you. That’s gonna activate some anger within you, don’t you think? Like, if that’s a real high value for you. And the thing is honesty, and we talk about this in Youmap when we talk about values. Honesty is a reciprocal value.
Victoria Volk
00:15:52 – 00:16:20
We expect that other people are going to be honest. It’s a typical reciprocal value, and so when others aren’t honest with us, we get activated with anger. And so a response to that could be not spewing anger back at the person, but taking that energy and letting it just kinda rise up within you, see your energy field putting up this protective. This protective wall. Not a wall.
Victoria Volk
00:16:22 – 00:16:46
Barrier. We’ll call it a barrier. Protective barrier around you. And see that energy building up, and then you can do it in your mind, or you can really walk away from the situation and do this or reflect on it later and do this on the situation. But through your breath, put out that fire.
Victoria Volk
00:16:46 – 00:17:08
Like, imagine you’re, like, spitting water on this fire, And you can literally dissolve that anger that you felt in that moment that is built up within you, that you’re feeling this energy. Put it out with your breath, but imagine that breath as water because what does oxygen do? It stokes a fire. Right? We wanna put it out.
Victoria Volk
00:17:08 – 00:17:53
So imagine you’re just blowing water onto this fire, this flame. It’s crazy how these visualizations can shift your energetic body in a matter of moments. The mind is so capable that we underestimate it so much. A visual I use a lot of visualizations in the energy work that I do just because it helps people connect to a part of themselves they don’t normally connect to. We just don’t take that, and that’s where meditation is huge in disconnecting, you know, our monkey mind from our body and tapping into the body and tapping into the emotional body.
Victoria Volk
00:17:54 – 00:18:48
So then after we’ve done this, we can then recognize what are the boundaries that were being violated we’re dishonored. I think it’s so hard for people to articulate what their boundaries are because so many of us grew up without our autonomy, without our boundaries being respected, for example, let’s say you’re at a family function. Let’s say when you were a kid, you’re at a family function, and I see this I’ve seen this myself a lot. And at first, I did this when my kids were young too. Oh, give so and so a hug, or let grandma give you a hug and kiss on the cheek, or whatever the case was, and they didn’t want that physical touch in that moment and said no, or I don’t want to give grandma a hug, or I don’t want to give my uncle a hug, or aunt, or whoever it is, it doesn’t matter.
Victoria Volk
00:18:49 – 00:19:15
And the child says no, and the parent dishonors that no, and makes them do that anyway, that is a violation of a boundary that a child had and where their no wasn’t respected. Now if you’re listening to this and you’re like, oh my gosh. This happened to me all the time Think about if you’re a parent, have you done this? Like, this is something we learn.
Victoria Volk
00:19:15 – 00:19:50
Right? This is a pattern that we continue through time, but we don’t think of these things as laying a foundation of not respecting our own boundaries. So then you become an adult who becomes a people pleaser to make others so others feel better. So it’s almost as if, well, go give grandma a hug now because she’ll feel better. She’ll be happier, regardless of how you feel about it.
Victoria Volk
00:19:50 – 00:20:21
Now how does this translate as an adult? Saying yes when you mean no. It’s a violation of your own boundary of protecting your personal space. And sometimes you might feel just fine giving the hug or showing the other person affection, but maybe there’s a moment where you don’t. The last thing anybody wants is to be forced to do so and to not have our no respected.
Victoria Volk
00:20:22 – 00:21:21
And so then when you think about sexual abuse or things like that, well, that’s a definite violation of personal space and safety and all of these other things that create these traumatic emotional wounds around boundaries. So many of us don’t wouldn’t know a boundary if it slapped us in the face. And then when we have others in our lives who start having this awareness around boundaries, who know themselves well, and who know their needs and desires and where they draw the line well and start implementing boundaries to others and communicating those, what do you think people are met with boundaries? Or when it’s perceived as well, what’s this change about? Like, what when you start Implementing boundaries in your life?
Victoria Volk
00:21:21 – 00:21:30
You’re gonna have people that are gonna be activated by that. Right? You’re changed. There’s something different. I don’t like this.
Victoria Volk
00:21:31 – 00:21:58
Why aren’t you letting me walk all over you like you used to? Right? I used to be able to control you, and now, you have these boundaries and now you’re standing up for yourself and I don’t know what to do with this. This makes me angry. So we can meet anger too just by creating boundaries, and how are we gonna be prepared for that?
Victoria Volk
00:21:59 – 00:22:42
When it comes to boundaries, I highly recommend The book “Boundaries”, I’ve actually it’s been several years since I’ve read it, but, I think I’m going to actually, read it again. I actually, I read it after I went through grief recovery. Because like I said, it’s a great follow-up to grief recovery because you realize in grief recovery where you did not have boundaries and where your parents did not teach you about boundaries because, you know, they probably didn’t even have their own. Right? It’s like, you know, parents with a date night if parents never have a date night, and they’re always with their children 247.
Victoria Volk
00:22:42 – 00:22:55
And then, all of a sudden, they decide they’re gonna have a date night. What do you think that child’s gonna feel? Maybe some anger? Maybe some abandonment. Like, why are you doing this now?
Victoria Volk
00:22:55 – 00:23:14
I want you to stay with me. You’ve always been with me. Now all of a sudden you’re gonna go out and you’re gonna spend time alone, and I’m gonna be here by myself or with this babysitter, and it’s probably gonna bring him some anger. But that’s a good thing. This is how we learn how to work with our emotions, that all emotions are valid.
Victoria Volk
00:23:14 – 00:23:49
So it’s not to say to the child, well, there’s nothing to be angry about, and dismiss the anger. Rather, explain to the child about boundaries. Rather, teach the child how to breathe through their anger, how to channel it physically or, you know, with their breath or physically with their body to rid themselves of that energy. These are practical things that we just are never taught in school. Right?
Victoria Volk
00:23:49 – 00:24:11
About boundaries, about anger, about our emotions. I mean, we are so complex when it comes to our emotions. This stuff isn’t taught in school. So I hope you check into the resource, the book boundaries. It has a little bit of a Christian spin, but it’s not like shoved down your throat or anything.
Victoria Volk
00:24:12 – 00:25:28
But I hope you check out that book Boundaries., I will link to it in the show notes. And Just one final thought about anger is that and just like grief, you cannot relate to another person, if you don’t know who you are or where you began and that other person ends, just as you cannot nurture peace or honor the needs of others until you understand and meet your own needs. And that relates to anger, that relates to grief, and that relates to just any emotion that you’re experiencing and the boundaries that you may or may not have. And I think that’s been I think that’s one of my missions too, along with changing the conversation around grief and talking about it like we talk about the weather is the mission of knowing yourself, understanding yourself, and putting yourself in the way of resources and people and tools and maybe guides or therapists or modalities that can get you closer to knowing yourself, identifying your emotional climate when it comes up, whether it be, well, this is grief, or this is anger, and what do you do with it?
Victoria Volk
00:25:28 – 00:25:54
You know, you can run away from it. It’s gonna come up eventually, or you can just you can face it. You can address it, and you can do something about it. So it doesn’t impact your life moving forward, because how many times have you had an anger outburst or an interaction with somebody that it left you feeling angry after. And you’re thinking about it days later.
Victoria Volk
00:25:54 – 00:26:19
Days later. That’s no good for you. That’s no good for anybody. You know, so then you have these this emotional incompleteness with this other person now, and it’s almost like this contract of anger that you have with this person, and I’m here to say that you can blow that up. You can do something about it without having to confront them.
Victoria Volk
00:26:20 – 00:26:35
And you can do it with your mind. You can do it with visualization. You can do it with writing and burn it. There are ways we can physically move through the emotions that are there for a reason. They are there communicating with you.
Victoria Volk
00:26:35 – 00:27:12
It is your body communicating with you, whether it’s grief, whether it’s anger, joy, sadness, everything in between. There are resource resources out there. You just gotta look for them and be open to learning. And that’s what I will leave you with today. I hope you are curious now about the book “Boundaries” and about what boundaries might you not have and might you need and learning more about, you know, really just emotional equilibrium.
Victoria Volk
00:27:13 – 00:27:56
Right? It’s not about stuffing down, controlling, or disregarding or minimizing or running away from, you know, we faith when you face this stuff as it arises, not like, oh, I’ll deal with that later once I get this, that, and the other thing done, or I’ll deal with that later once I just sit down and have a drink. That’s not gonna help you, my friend. Your mind is a miraculous tool and a thing that I think most of us waste in a lot of ways. So, yeah, I’m just sharing some things that I’ve learned along the way, and I hope you find it helpful.
Victoria Volk
00:27:56 – 00:28:25
And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, solo episode |
National Grief Awareness Week | 10 Tips for Grieving Hearts to Nurture Hope During the Holidays
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In this episode, we’re continuing the grief education in honor of National Grief Awareness Week on December 2nd-8th. Last week, I shared facts, staggering statistics, and insights about grief, many of which surprised me!
So many people will be going into this Christmas missing a loved one or wishing a relationship would be different, better, or more. The holidays often bring up a lot of emotions. And sitting with all of the big feelings without self-awareness, tools, and support only exacerbates those emotions.
Today, I share ten tips for grieving hearts to nurture hope during the holidays—many of which I’ve shared in the past. However, sometimes you need to hear it differently or another time when you’re ready to really hear it. Maybe today will be when the information will land differently in your heart.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. I hope this podcast today finds you well. And if not, if you’re struggling, with the holidays coming up, then this episode is for you. Last week, I shared that it was National Grief Awareness Week between December second through the eighth. And in honor of National Grief Awareness Week, I am concluding with a second episode in the two-part series. This time I’m talking about grief during the holidays and last week was facts, stats, and grief in the workplace, which probably affects the majority of us. A lot of interesting statistics and facts were shared in that episode, I will link to it in the show notes if you’re interested in listening.
Victoria Volk: But today, let’s talk about the holidays. Because they’re fast approaching. And I know there are some people out there who this is the first time after a loss of a loved one going to into the Christmas season without that person, and it can be very challenging. While there are other critical dates and times that affect grieving people, it’s the holiday season. That is one of the biggest stimulus to provoked memories and feelings about important people in our lives who have died or who are no longer present at holiday celebrations and rituals. And it could be from divorce or other arrangements. Again, I’ve said it like a thousand times, grief is not just about death, my friends.
Victoria Volk: So the holidays are supposed to be a happy time. But let’s be honest, you know, many of us are grieving this time of year. And not just about the death, divorce, or job loss, everyone has issues. So let’s discuss hopes, dreams, and expectations, changes and choices, my friends.
Victoria Volk: I have heard it said that expectations are planned disappointments, or an expectation is just a disappointment that hasn’t happened yet. And expectations are at an all time high during the holidays. We have a lot of expectations about who coming together for the holidays? Will it be what will it be like? What will we do? There are just a lot of uncertainties. Will everybody be happy? Will we get along? What if the food doesn’t turn out? Or what if it just doesn’t taste right? Or what if your sewer, like, backs up and you lose water? Like, that didn’t happen to us during the holidays, but it happened during my son’s graduation. Had a household of people. You can’t plan for that stuff. Right? But you have these high hopes and high expectations that like for me, just became a disappointment. Right? But many hopes, dreams, and expectations are wrapped up in the holidays.
Victoria Volk: It’s important to remember that losing or letting go of a hope, dream, or expectation can be a loss too. Times have changed. Little kids aren’t playing with the matchbox cars on the floor anymore. Everybody’s sitting on the couch looking at their phones. I’ve actually I mean, I’ve caught I’ve caught myself too, but I’ve taken stock like when all the families together, like how many people in the room are sitting on their phones. Right? This is the time that we live in it’s a fact of life, but a lot of people listening to this are experiencing a change in traditions and plans.
Victoria Volk: And one definition of grief is the natural, it is the natural and normal response to change or loss. The change in familiar patterns, habits, or traditions. As I said, if this is your first Christmas, without a loved one, I’m sure you’ve already given this a lot of thought. There’s going to be a lot of change. Change is a significant cause of grief. We just don’t call it that. We don’t articulate it or think about it that way, which is why it’s so hard to deal with some of these changes and expectations that aren’t being met.
Victoria Volk: First of all, we don’t even think about it as a grieving situation. We don’t articulate it to ourselves do we even share it with somebody else? How can they even understand or disappointment? Something that disappoints me might not even be a big deal to somebody else, but this is a thing, like, then what you have people doing sometimes is they’re minimizing what you’re experiencing or minimizing what you’re trying to share. And it can hurt you greatly into someone else it’s not a big deal, but sometimes we just need to learn to be a listening ear and be supportive. And even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to us, we just try and be the support. Right? That’s one thing you can do this holiday season.
Victoria Volk: The good news is, though, is that and this is why I talk about a lot too, is we have choices. Grievers just don’t think they have any options. They’re just the victim.
They’re stuck with whatever is it going to happen and it won’t be good enough, but that’s not true. What is true is that we can’t change what has happened. We may not have a lot of influence or power to change what will be but we can choose how we respond to those changes and how we respond to those losses.
Victoria Volk: I want you to take some time to figure out and identify all of the changes that you may be experiencing during the holidays, but do it during these pre-holiday days. As we time is quickly passing by, just take stock, kind of play play it out to the end. Right? Like, think about the holidays coming up and the different rituals and traditions and things that you used to do with your loved one. Think about all of those different changes, everything that will be different this time around, and then choose to not sit and be the victim. Reframe how you will see these next several days and weeks as you go through the holidays.
Victoria Volk: And here’s some advice if you want to take it. First of all, try to have fewer expectations. Put your hands up and ride the roller coaster without expecting what the ride will be actually be like.
Victoria Volk: And secondly, reframe how you see things. You get to choose how you make what the holidays happen. You can’t change what’s happened in the past and can’t change what will happen in the future, but you can change. You can change. You can also choose how you respond to what’s happening today. Do you want to be saddened and gloomy during the holidays? Who would? I don’t. The principles and actions of the grief recovery method, which is what I facilitate through my program Do Grief Differently are dedicated to helping people discover and complete what was left emotionally unfinished by a death, divorce, or other loss. In the interest of helping both grieving people and the friends and family near them, I thought I’d share holiday tips that give some basic, practical, and emotionally helpful guidance.
Victoria Volk: So there’s ten tips. The first five relate primarily to the death of someone important to you. And that person might have been a loved one or may have been what we call a less than loved one, but you will probably still be affected by their absence. And the second set of five tips relates either to the death of a spouse or to divorce. And we’re not comparing those experiences just suggesting that the tips can be helpful in either situation.
Victoria Volk: So here are five tips for the holidays, if you’re grieving the death of someone important to you. Don’t isolate yourself. It’s normal and natural to feel lost and alone, but don’t isolate. This is one of the mess of grief. Right? Grieve alone. Even if you have to force yourself to be with people and participate in normal activities, just do it. If someone asks you to go out and do something, go and tell people, you know what, keep asking. Even if I say no this time, you just keep asking. One of these times, I will say yes.
Victoria Volk: Tip two: Don’t misuse food or alcohol to cover up or push down your feelings. As children, when we were sad about something, we were often told, don’t feel bad, have a cookie, you’ll feel better, and cookies don’t make the child feel better, it makes the child feel different, and the real cause of this sadness is not addressed. When we get older, alcohol and drugs are used for the same wrong reasons to mask feelings of sadness.
Victoria Volk: Tip number three: Talk about your feelings, but don’t expect a quick fix. It’s essential to have someone you trust to talk to about your memories and the feelings they in evoke. Ask your friend to just listen to you and try not to fix you. You’re sad. You’re not broken. You just need to be heard.
Victoria Volk: Tip number four: While it’s important to talk about your feelings don’t dwell on them. Telling the same sad story over and over is not helpful. In fact, it can establish and cement a relationship to your pain. It’s better just to make a simple statement of how you feel in the moment. For example, say, I just had a sad feeling of missing him or her. You’ve likely heard me say, referring to support groups, support groups can be amazing for connection and meeting new people and it’s getting you out of the house. Right? And I’m saying, don’t grieve alone, so you go to support group. Great. But here’s the thing about support groups is if it’s the type of support group where it’s a repetition of the same stories over and over and over and nothing is moving you forward. You don’t feel like it’s getting you forward or moving in your life. It’s not, helping you grow and not that you have to grow through grief. I think I should do an episode on that, but if you let your grief be a part of you and you integrate it in a way that you give it the time and space and you feel it and you’re sitting with it and working through it by doing the work, which we do and Do Grief Differently. That’s different. That’s taking action. And this is what you don’t have in a lot of support groups. There is no action. So it’s just a lot of the same story and that doesn’t help you move forward in your life. If that’s what you’re desiring to do, I think there’s a time and space and a phase for support groups and things, but definitely use your own discernment, but that’s just kind of why that I wanted to say about support groups in this episode.
Victoria Volk: Tip number five: This time doesn’t heal. Actions do. Speaking of actions. Right? The myth that time heals a broken heart is just that. It’s a myth. Time can’t heal a broken heart anymore than air can jump into a flat tire. Time just goes by. It is the action you take within time that can help you feel better.
Victoria Volk: Speaking of feeling better, before we get into the next five tips, I just want to share a little bit about the new sponsor to my podcast, Magic Mind. I’ve been using their two-ounce shot for not quite the last thirty days. I think I have maybe four bottles left. And what I’ve noticed the onset after a few days is this calm that almost is new to me. It’s when I’m feeling like I have a lot on my to do list. If you just read my recent newsletter, it was all about checking lists, making lists and checking them off and all this and that about lists, but because we make all kinds of lists. But I love a good list, but at the same time, all the lists can become overwhelming and when getting close to the holiday season and whatever is going on in your life, it is a list that can help keep you organized, but it can also feel overwhelming, right? When we keep adding stuff to the list. Well, magic mind might be the thing that can help you as it’s helped me check things off the list.
Victoria Volk: And it like I said, it’s just kind of helped me notice this calm that has come over me when I’m using it. When I take that two-ounce shot in the morning with my coffee, it’s not a replacement for coffee, although it can be. You can drink it alongside your coffee. I take my get my first cup in, and then I take the shot, and I go about my day, and it helps you get into a flow state. It helps for me, it’s helped call me. I don’t know. It’s like I find my focus. A lot easier to get certain tasks done. And I’ve just really it actually tastes good too, but I’ve actually just really liked using it. And they’re actually gonna be launching in January in all of the Sprouts markets.
Victoria Volk: But for you listening to this, you can actually get fifty-six percent off your first subscription plus another twenty percent off your one-time purchase the first purchase, excuse me, with my discount code, “grieving voices”. So if you go to magicmind.com slash grieving voices and use the coupon code, “grieving voices” altogether, all caps, you will receive an additional twenty percent off your first purchase. And I just say try it and see what you think. Give it a good a week for sure of using it every day. They say after three days, you will notice a difference, but and I did. But after five days, I think it is, you kind of get more of the benefits because there’s neurotropics in it, adaptogens, matcha green tea, plus twelve other magical ingredients. And I like how the founder James Baeshara has says in his video about it. He says, athletes have gatorade, and creatives now have catorade. And I love that because as a creator, we can have a million things, like a million tabs open in our brain a day. Not to mention all of the family stuff and things that go on in our lives such as grief.
Right?
Victoria Volk: And so if there is anything that can help as we’re going through the grievance process or just as we’re navigating life, you know, this is just another kind of tool in our toolbox that we can use to help our brains function more optimally. And if that’s something you’re looking for, then I again checkout magicmind.com/grievingvoices for twenty percent off your subscription.
Victoria Volk: Alright. Back to the list in the next five tips. And so here’s five tips if you are grieving the death of a spouse or have experienced divorce. Tip number one: Just because you feel lonely doesn’t mean you’re ready to start dating. Don’t start dating while your heart is still broken or you will guarantee that the next relationship will fail. Being ready to date is a function of the actions you take within time to repair your heart. This is valid whether you’re dealing with a death or a divorce.
Victoria Volk: Tip number two: Don’t get too busy. Avoid hyperactivity. This is one of the myths of grief too, keeping busy. Be careful not to get too busy. Being super active just distracts you. It doesn’t help you deal with your broken heart. And you know what? There can be a lot of healthy. You’re deemed healthy distractions too. Just, let’s say, you’re an ultra-marathoner. That takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of determination and a lot of time commitment. And if you’re doing that has a distraction, from your feelings and for what’s happening in your life or the stressors of life. It’s a healthy coping mechanism for stress, of course, but if you’re not doing things in other aspects of your life to address your emotional well-being, then it could just possibly be a coping mechanism, a sterb, a short-term energy-relieving behavior. And it can become something that you become addicted to for that reason.
Victoria Volk: Tip number three: Maintain your normal routines. Adapting to the changes in your life following the death or a divorce is an enormous adjustment. You are learning how to move from being with someone to being alone, and it’s never a good idea to add a host of other changes while you’re trying to adapt to so much disruption in your life.
Victoria Volk: And tip number five: Go through the pain not under it, not over it, and not around it. It’s very tempting to try to avoid the pain associated with a broken heart, but it’s also a very bad idea. Whenever you skirt the pain, you’re also pushing it down which is only temporary. It will always come back to haunt you.
Victoria Volk: And tip number five: Find effective guidance or you will sabotage your future. While the grief of a broken heart is the normal reaction to the death of your spouse or to the end of a romantic relationship, it’s very helpful to find effective tools to help you discover and complete everything that was left emotionally unfinished otherwise, you will drag your emotional baggage into the next relationship and ruin it before it even starts.
Victoria Volk: There’s your five tips for each different type of loss, and a lot of these really just reiterate the six myths of grief. Don’t feel bad, grieve alone, replace the loss, be strong, keep busy, and time heals all wounds. For most people, the first holiday season after the death or a divorce is the most painful, but that’s not true for everyone. And for many, the second, third, and subsequent years are very painful. And since time doesn’t heal emotional wounds, as I’ve just said, people often report feeling says years go by. No matter when your loss occurred, it’s most important that you become aware that recovery is possible and to learn which actions will help you create some momentum and movement in your life. And when I say momentum and movement, it’s just progress. It’s getting back out into the world, integrating the experiences that you’ve had through the grief, through the years, however long it’s been and reframing, it’s a lot of reframing.
Victoria Volk: And often it takes support to help you shift your perspective to to modify your beliefs about grief, to shift how you feel about certain aspects of your relationship that you could you can’t go back and change. But again, you can change how you respond today. Because really the relationship continues whether the person has died or whether you’re divorced, there’s some sort of emotional continuation. Right? And so you can hold on to anger and bitterness and resentment and or the pain of the loss itself and the sadness and maybe even the hurt, even the most loving relationships, people hurt us you can hold on to all of that or you can recover from the pain. And when I say recover because a lot of people in the grief space have a lot of opinions about the word recover and the word heal. But when I say recover, it is recovering from the pain so that when you have these holidays coming up, you’re not taking back to that like this heart-wrenching pain that takes you down for weeks or days or even months on end into this, depression that you can’t find your way out of. It’s possible. Recovery is possible. And this is why I like the word recovery because it gives people hope. Because when people don’t have hope, that’s a slippery slope.
Victoria Volk: And I’m in the business of hope, so I like the word recovery. I’m gonna continue to use the word recovery. And because I know it’s possible. I know it’s possible. It happened for me. It’s happened to countless clients of mine and the thousands of people. I don’t even know how many people have gone through grief recovery. But it’s changed people’s lives, transformed people’s lives. One of the she’s marketing. She’s a trainer and things with the grief recovery institute. She was on my podcast early on. Her name is Sandy Derby. I’m gonna link to her up in the show notes because, I mean, she was addicted. She had a meth addiction. She was in an abusive relationship. And she was on a fast track to a really self-destructive life. She had a lot of trauma from her father and other family members, satanic ritualistic abuse. I mean, she went through the gamut of trauma and pain and suffering in her life and grief recovery, my friend, changed her life. And she is in the whole business just like me. And this is this is why I’m so passionate about this work.
Victoria Volk: So whether this is your first year of being without a loved one or it’s your tenth. I don’t care. It’s never too soon. It’s never too late. Reach out for help. Make twenty twenty-four the year of you. Alright. I’m gonna put those resources in the show notes. And if you have any questions about Do Grief Differently or anything else that I’ve said, and if you wanna join the conversation, please do so on social media. I’m @theunleashedheart on Instagram, that’s typically my favorite social media place to hang out. I’m not on there a lot, but I will read messages if I get them, so I encourage you to reach out or send me an email, [email protected]. And if you found this episode helpful, I hope you share it with someone you know or love. Who could benefit from these tips and come back to it anytime. I mean, the podcast is here. This is a free resource. Do this for you. It’s a labor of love and have many blessings for this upcoming season. My heart goes all out to all of you grievers. I know you. I wanna say I am you, but I grieve differently now. It’s not like it used to be for sure. I feel like we’re all lifelong grievers. I mean, there’s always something. There’s always something that life is gonna throw at us. Always. But we can build an emotional resilience and empower ourselves with new tools and new knowledge and a new belief about what we are capable of. A new belief about what it means to grieve in a healthy way. That’s where we can change, and that’s where we have choice. So remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, my friend. Much love.
Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, solo episode |
National Grief Awareness Week | Facts, Stats, and Grief in the Workplace
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
December 2nd-8th is National Grief Awareness Week. So, I thought I would do what I do best, and that is to bring attention to grief education. The better prepared and educated we are about grief, the more connected, empathetic, and patient we become.
In this week’s episode, I will share facts, statistics, and insights about grief. Some of what you’ll hear has never been shared on the podcast. You’ll learn staggering statistics that even caught me by surprise!
Additionally, workplace grief is a common challenge within companies, and if you are a business owner with employees, a CEO, or an employee, this is an episode for you! And it’s also an episode I hope you share with your manager, HR, or griever you know.
With someone dying in the United States every 11.14 seconds, there are a lot of grieving people out there, and my phone should be ringing off the hook. However, it’s not, and I share my theory on why in this episode.
Please tune in next week, where I’ll keep the National Grief Awareness Week education coming with a podcast about Grief and the Holidays.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. I am your host, Victoria V of The Unleashed Heart, and today is the first of two episodes for National Grief Awareness Week. And this episode is going to be about just facts and statistics and some insights around grief. And particularly, I’m going to end with talking about grief in the workplace. So just some basic general facts about grief.
Victoria Volk: Grief is a universal experience. It is something that everyone will encounter at some point. It is the natural response to loss, not just limited to death, but also to significant life changes such as divorce, job loss, or major relocations, for example. And if you’ve never listened to a podcast of mine that talks about different examples, there are more than forty plus different losses that we can have, which include intangible losses such as loss of safety, loss of security, loss of trust.
Victoria Volk: Grief is also an individualized process. Each person experiences grief in their own unique way, and there is no one size fits all approach to grieving, and individuals may go through the process at different rates. It’s why you have some people that appear to be fine after two, three, four years. And why you see some people still struggling after, like myself, after thirty years. And it’s not that the people who appear to be fine at your three or four or five, it’s that maybe they’ve just gotten really good at coping. Or maybe they’ve done some really deep work and they’ve really worked on their grief and that’s why they are in a healthier place in their lives. But don’t assume that just because someone appears fine that they are. Because there is no timeline. This is another fact of grief. There is no timeline. It doesn’t follow a linear timeline. And the traditional stages of grief that we hear about such as denial, anger, bargaining depression, and acceptance are not experienced in a fixed order, and individuals may revisit these stages multiple times. And In fact, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross never intended these fight these stages of grief to even apply to death. It was through her work in working with terminally ill patients that she found that these are the emotions really and things that those individuals go through, which many grievers do too, but that wasn’t the intention of her work.
Victoria Volk: And I’ve actually had Ken Ross, her son on my podcast, which I can link to in the show notes, but she even stated herself that that wasn’t the intention of that work. In the memoir she wrote before she passed. Also, grief has a physical and emotional impact. It can have both physical and emotional effects that can manifest into physical symptoms like fatigue, changes in appetite, trouble sleeping, and emotional aspects such as sadness, anger, guilt or, or even numbness. Their cultural variations and religious beliefs that significantly influence how individuals express and cope with grief as well. Different cultures have unique morning rituals and traditions that will shape their grieving process. As I kind of mentioned earlier with the loss of trust and safety and security, these are what we would call maybe secondary losses. Such as loss of also routine, social connections, and sense of security. These additional losses can complicate the grieving process immensely.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that grieving children will present differently than adults. And may not always express their grief verbally. They may show their grief through changes in behavior, school, performance, or through play. Now, yes, they may grieve differently than adults, but a lot of the things that say adults resort to to feel better you’ll find that teenagers do as well, such as shopping or drinking drugs or relationships.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that it grief has experienced differently at various stages of life. Children, adolescents, adults, and the elderly have unique ways of coping with an understanding loss. And truly, this really depends on what you learned as a child and how you will cope and express your grief. If you didn’t learn how to do so as a child, you will resort to what you learned as an adult, and especially as a child who experiences grief, for example myself, where you grow up with it, it will express differently over time.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that feelings of guilt and regret are very common. Individuals may struggle with unresolved issues or unfulfilled wishes leading to a complex emotional landscape, and this is the crux of grief. This is honestly what we address through grief recovery, not just feelings of guilt and regret, but these all of the complex emotional feelings that are what keep us stuck in holding on to our pain.
Victoria Volk: And also, another fact of grief is that support is crucial. Having a support system is crucial and navigating grief. Friends, family, and support groups or professional counselors like myself can provide comfort and understanding during the grieving process.
Victoria Volk: Another fact is that, prolonged or complicated, I’ll put that in quotations, “complicated grief” can contribute to mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. This is where seeking professional help is important for those who find it challenging to cope with their grief. Now when we say coping with your grief, I would have you reflect for a moment or two on how you believe you are coping? And do you believe that that is a healthy coping mechanism. I’ve worked with a client who works diligently at her work and in her life and very high performing and running is her thing. She runs ultra-marathons and she realized in working with me and learning about grief that that was her escape. She was using running as a coping mechanism, as escapism. And so even these healthy things or these things that appear to be healthy and productive can be unhealthy. We’re not sitting with our feelings. We’re not giving ourselves in our heart space that time to work through and process. We’re escaping. Our minds are very creative in finding ways to do so.
Victoria Volk: And finally, while grief is a challenging experience, many individuals find ways to grow and develop resilience through the process. So, resiliency and growth is possible. Grief can lead to personal growth. Increased empathy and a deeper appreciation for life. But you’re not gonna find that if you don’t get off the couch, if you don’t get out of the bed, you just won’t. It’s not gonna come knocking on your door. You have to go after it. This is why I’m so passionate about the work that I do. This is why I’m so passionate about this podcast. And sharing this information week after week and bringing others people stories to you because they didn’t lay in decay. They got off the couch. They got out of the bed. This is what we need to do. This is the work. That is the work. It’s not to keep on going and just sweep it under the rug. It’s to keep on going by doing the work. Grief Recovery is the work. One of my clients she said that. That was her revelation to me was that, she always heard that you have to do the work and she’s like, what what’s the work? What is the work? No one actually says what the work is. And after grief recovery said, this is the work.
Victoria Volk: I wanna shift gears a little bit and just talk about share some statistics about grief. These are particular to the United States. While I can provide general insights, and the most recent statistics, it is important to note that specific statistics about grief can vary and will change over time, so depending when you’re listening to this, it may be irrelevant. But additionally, grief is a deeply personal and subjective experience and we just can’t quantify all aspects. But here are some general observations and statistics related to grief in the United States.
Victoria Volk: Did you know that there is actually website. The United States deaths clock, I will put a link in the show notes, but I was actually quite surprised that there’s such a website and that this exists. But on there, it states that a person dies approximately every eleven point one four seconds. There are two million eight hundred and thirty thousand six hundred and eighty-eight deaths per year, seven thousand seven hundred and fifty-five deaths per day, three hundred and twenty-three people will have died within the hour of you listening to this. Seventeen deaths on average per day in my own home state of North Dakota, and the leading causes of death include heart disease, cancer, unintentional injuries, chronic lower respiratory diseases and more.
Victoria Volk: Let these stats sink in. Every eleven point one four seconds a person dies in the United States. Think about all of those families left behind and the grieving’s left. My phone should be ringing off the hook. However, I understand why it’s not, and it goes back to the six myths of grief I’ve spoken about many times on this podcast. I will link to that episode and the show notes that because that may resonate with you and maybe help you understand why you may not have reached out for support.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that the National Alliance for Grieving Children as estimates that over four point eight million children in adolescence in the US will experience the death of a parent. My hand is raised, that is me. Although when I was a grieving child, there was no other child in my class. I don’t even know in elementary put together if that experienced the death of a parent. So I was very much alone in my grief in that time.
But of course, a parent doesn’t have to die. I mean, many children are experiencing their parents’ divorce. Where there is a parent that doesn’t live in the same area or their parents are estranged. And maybe they don’t even have their father or their mother in their life at all, and that can be equally devastating for a child.
Victoria Volk: I wanna shift gears to grief in the workplace. The grief recovery institute reports that grieving employees may experience difficulty concentrating, decision-making and productivity. I’ll share more grief stats in the workplace in just a moment, but finally, there are types of grief that are talked about such as this is another fact of grief talking about complicated grief. You may have heard that term where it’s a condition where the grieving process is significantly prolonged and severe. Estimates suggest that a small percentage of individuals may experience complicated grief. However, in my opinion, grief is grief. Grief that is lasting thirty-plus years is still grief. Labeling it as quote, complicated grief because it’s still impacting a grieber after a certain amount of time has passed does nothing to help a griever move forward. What people fail to understand is that grief will forever create feelings of sadness. However, it’s the pain associated with the grief that keeps people in emotional jail. As grievers, we get comfortable with the pain and resist releasing it for fear of any other awareness or inner work that will be needed to move forward. What comes next feels too uncertain and unknown this causes grievers to feel overwhelmed and that recovery from the pain is impossible.
Victoria Volk: So After hearing these general insights in these facts, I wanna share facts directly related to grief in the workplace considering this will affect nearly every single adult listening, whether you work for someone else, or you run your own company, this information will apply. Grief can significantly impact the workplace affecting both employees and employers. In the United States alone, grief-related losses and productivity may cost companies as much as one hundred billion dollars annually. The twenty twenty-two cost of dying report showed how much time and energy families spent dealing with the death of a loved one and the burden it placed on them. The results revealed a crisis of attention, time and energy. On average, settling a loved one’s affairs took thirteen months, twenty months if the estate went through probate. And cost more than twelve thousand dollars. For grievers, something has to give and often it’s work performance.
Victoria Volk: And while comprehensive statistics might vary, here are some general insights and stats related to grief in the workplace. As I mentioned, there’s a loss of productivity due to difficulty concentrating, decision-making challenges and emotional distress. According to the Grief Recovery Institute, grieving employees can cost companies billions of dollars annually in lost productivity. That is that hundred billion dollars I mentioned. Grief can lead to increased absenteeism as employees take time off to cope with their loss and attend funeral services. A study published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior found a positive correlation between grief and absenteeism. I mean, are we even surprised? I mean, truly, the grieving process can impact the individual experiencing a loss in their coworkers who may be asked to do more to compensate for the loss productivity of a grieving coworker. Coworkers may experience empathy fatigue or emotional exhaustion as they support grieving colleagues or may experience guilt not knowing what to do or how to respond to the grief of a coworker. They may even develop resentment.
Victoria Volk: A survey by the grief recovery institute found that a significant number of employees feel their employers are ill-equipped to handle grief in the workplace. Employers who are supportive and understanding in the face of employee grief may foster a more positive work environment. Some companies have implemented grief support programs, counseling services or employee assistance programs to help employees cope with loss.
Victoria Volk: According to a survey by the International Foundation of Employee Benefit Plans. About eighty percent of employers offer EAPs or employee assistant programs which may include grief counseling, which may include grief counseling, by the way. Not all workplaces have formal bereavement policies and the length of bereavement leave varies among companies such as, say, some as short as a few days. Some studies suggest that longer bereavement leave periods may be a so aid with better mental health outcomes for grieving employees. Grieving employees may be at a higher risk for developing mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. And addressing mental health concerns in the workplace, including grief-related issues, is gaining recognition as an essential aspect of employee well-being. Providing training for managers to recognize and respond appropriately to grieving employees is becoming more common in progressive workplaces as well. So we’re seeing progress and there is hope.
Victoria Volk: If you’re a manager or an employer, I want to give you some things to say to a grieving employee and what not to say. So things to say to a grieving employee. Often when a coworker reach turns to work after the death of a lockdown, we don’t know what to say, so we don’t say anything. But staying silent can make the grieving coworker feel isolated. So for example, show empathy. Say something like I’m glad you are back and we’re here for you. Or we can’t change what happened, but if there’s anything we can do to make your life easier, know that we are all here for you. You can acknowledge that grief is ongoing. Say something like, how are you today? Is better than, how are you? It allows people to answer honestly beyond just responding I’m fine. Show up with a specific offer. And make it clear that it’s okay if the person wants to decline, such as I’m in the lobby if you want to talk. I will be here for the next hour whether you come down or not. Take cues from the griever. You can say something like, I’d love to hear more about your loved one whenever that might be convenient for you. I want to respect your privacy.
Victoria Volk: And these are some things not to say. While well intended, these phrases focus on trying to make the loss go away rather than acknowledging its magnitude. Five phrases to avoid when talking with a colleague who has just lost a loved one. You are going to be fine. You’re still young so you can still have another child and get married again. For example, he or she is in a better place. Everything happens for a reason. Time heals everything. These are not helpful. And so please refer back to these if you find yourself in this situation and maybe say it to a friend or if it’s a coworker, This is information that you can share with those you know too to help them know what to say and what not to say.
Victoria Volk: I wanna move forward with talking about bereavement time because it is recommended that employers provide at least twenty days of bereavement leave for close family members. However, only four days is the average bereavement leave allotted for the death of a spouse or a child. Whereas three days is the average time off given for the loss of a parent, grandparent, domestic partner, sibling, grandchild, or foster child. For employees who have closed familial bonds, it can be helpful when bereavement leave is available for the deaths of relatives outside the immediate family. You can’t put a value on people’s feelings toward one another based solely on their relationship on the family tree. So it is essential for employers to be aware of the potential impact of grief on the workplace and to consider implementing supportive policies and programs. Keep in mind that the experience of grief is highly individual and workplaces should approach these matters with empathy and flexibility. Two areas companies can address today is rethinking bereavement leave policies and to address brief illiteracy by bringing in an educator like myself or in making grief training a part of HR onboarding. When loss inevitably happens and affects your team and colleagues, they will feel more confident and clear about how to collaborate and communicate with each other if they’re provided with the correct information and tools.
Victoria Volk: I hope that this information has been helpful if you are an employer and even if you are an employee, share it with your manager. This is something that affects the company as a whole and their bottom line. So this is a societal problem. This is an everyone issue. Grief is an everyone issue because it does affect everyone. I thank you for tuning in during this National Grief Awareness Week into this episode. Did you find any of the facts or stats alarming or surprising? Have you personally experienced challenges related to grief as a manager or employee? Please share your thoughts on social media. I’d love to keep the conversation going. I hope you come back for next week’s episode, where I’ll conclude National Grief Awareness Week by talking about grief and the holidays. And until then, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Childhood Grief, Divorce, Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Parenting, Podcast, solo episode |
Part II | Supporting Children Through Divorce and The Holidays
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
This episode is a follow-up to the last one to bring awareness to Children’s Grief Awareness Day on November 16th, 2023.
In this episode, I dive into supporting children through divorce and their challenges during the holidays. We must recognize that children experience various forms of grief and that parents play a crucial role in helping them cope with loss. Parents who receive early education on loss are better prepared to support their children effectively.
The impact of divorce on children is explored, highlighting the multiple losses they experience and the difficulties they face in understanding love and commitment. It can’t be stated enough that parents face many challenges in being present and acknowledging their children’s feelings during a challenging time, such as navigating all of the changes that occur as a result of a divorce (or separation), particularly when the parents are grieving themselves.
This episode implores all adults to empathize with children struggling, particularly during holidays and challenging family situations. As a society, we must break the cycle of inadequate support by providing better guidance to the next generation.
I encourage all listeners to engage with the episode and provide feedback to help shape future discussions on supporting children through divorce and the holidays. We adults must raise awareness about children’s grief, advocate for improved support systems, and empower all parents to navigate challenging situations with sensitivity and understanding. Future generations depend on what we adults choose to do or not do in response to children’s grief.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello friend. Thank you for tuning in to this episode. And it is a follow-up episode to the one before last week, Children’s Grief Awareness. And I said in that episode that I would bring in part two where I’d be talking more about supporting children through divorce and through the holidays as it relates to grief and divorce in general.
Victoria Volk: And I wanna share that, the first episode, Children’s Grief Awareness part one, has not been a very popular episode, and I just want to share how sad that kind of makes me not kind of, it does make me sad. And I suppose, I’m not sure exactly who you are listening to this. Do you not have children? Do most people who listen to this podcast not have children? Are you older? And maybe your children are older? And don’t have young children anymore, that could be. I would love to know why that episode isn’t resonating or if it did, please share that too.
Victoria Volk: And I would just love to know like who’s really on the other side listening to my voice. Are you listening in the car? Are you listening while you wash dishes? Are you listening on your commute? Or when you’re walking, I would love to know. So please share your feedback on the podcast directly please email me. Consider this like you supporting me in research. Because I’m really am curious. Please email me at [email protected] or find me on social media, Instagram is usually where I like to is my go to @theunleashedheart, and on Facebook, you can message me, Victoria The Unleashed Heart.
Victoria Volk: Anyway, I’m sure you can find me. Links are in the show notes too. If you are interested in helping me do that research. I would love to know who you are listening because I really am curious why that episode isn’t so popular, but regardless because I’m so passionate about children’s grief and the child grievers out there because I was one and I grew up as one. I’m still going to record a part two even though that last episode may not have been as popular because I feel like it is such an important topic because even if your children are older, they’re teenagers this still applies to you if your children are adults, who may be are starting their own families. Please share this with them too. I guarantee you that you probably know or have a child in your life, and this is just great information to have in your back pocket or to share with someone you know.
Victoria Volk: So, piggybacking on what I shared last week. There are some points I want to drill home. Point one is that children learn how to deal with loss at a very early age. That’s something I didn’t talk about in the last episode, but the vast majority of parents don’t realize that children, by the age of three, have learned or developed seventy-five percent of the skills that they will use for the rest of their lives to deal with issues that face them. Most parents rarely know or think about this when they are dealing with the daily issues related to their children. I’ve been there so many times, I can’t even tell you. Parents are very much in the moment when they’re talking to their children and likely they don’t even take into consideration how their children store things in their personal belief system.
Victoria Volk: While the vast majority of the information that parents pass on is of value. Like, we all, we are the teachers. Right? Mixed in with all of that good information can be also misinformation on how to deal with loss. And I’ve talked about this before on the podcast, but when your back is up against the wall and you have a grief experience, you’re gonna resort to what you know. And even when your children are faced with a grieving experience, you as a parent are gonna resort to what you know and likely what you were taught as a child is what you will pass on to your child. Unconsciously or consciously, some things, we don’t even really think about it. We just respond. Right? We just react. And that’s what we tend to do is respond in a knee-jerk reaction.
Victoria Volk: Point two I wanna make is that grief is more than an emotional response to death. I’ve talked about this so many times, but again, it bears repeating when it comes to childhood grief too. Because it’s not just about death, and children don’t need to be dealing with a death to experience grief. Comes in a lot of forms. Many losses that impact a child may seem insignificant to you as the adult for like example, let’s say, their favorite toy, and they can’t find it. They lost it. Where another child broke it. It seems insignificant to use the adult or the parent. But to us, it’s like, I can just buy go buy another one. I mean, there’s a million in one soccer balls or whatever it is. But to the young child that lost that toy or that whatever it is, it can be overwhelming. Especially if maybe it was a gift or something like that. Likewise, as adults, we become accustomed to friends saying things to us that we might find upsetting. And we might take offense. And in the moment, but we often are able to look at that comment if we take a step back, look at it from a broader perspective, and based on our relationship, not let that statement have a long-lasting emotional impact on us.
Victoria Volk: However, adolescents and teens do not have an adult’s perspective. And can find one negative comment or a breach of confidentiality emotionally devastating. In both situations, children are dealing with a very real grief grieving experience. And without realizing it, the way parents respond to these early grieving experience can establish a pattern for how the child learns to deal with loss for the rest of their lives. Even though as parents, we don’t see these early issues as being related to grief. They have nonetheless set a reactive response to loss in the child’s belief system. And it’s not like we’re trying to pass on bad information to our children. It’s just something that happens. A child is the most complex thing we ever bring home and they do not have detailed cautionary information stamped on the bottom of them. Right? They don’t come with a manual.
Victoria Volk: Point three, early education on loss for parents helps prepare children. The children in their life Grief Education is prevention. This is prevention. Most parents never think about helping their children deal with personal emotional loss until there is a crisis of some kind. It may be the death of a family member, a friend, or a pet that forces them to act. And it might be a divorce or some other major life event. Rarely do parents realize that they have already inadvertently given children in ineffective tools to deal with loss, even with previous minor issues their children may have experienced. And when parents face a crisis, they equally find themselves lost, like, as anyone would. Right? Like grief devastating loss just flips your entire world upside down. So your first thought might be to send your child to a professional for assistance. But the problem with that is that the children may see the professionals as advice as being in conflict with what they have already learned. A complicating factor, no matter the value of what this professional tries to teach them, can be conflicting information if the parents are not on the same page as that professional. And so mixed information or interactions with the child can just all it does is create more confusion. Taking all of that into account alone, should have you running to the bookstore or going on to Amazon and ordering the book when children grieve just based on what I just said. Or finding a support group program, like someone like me who facilitates the Helping Children with Loss program. Rather than waiting to for you to recognize that your child is struggling, you can help though with an overwhelming loss in advance, why wait for there to be a devastating loss or an issue to surface before we decide to help our children. Doesn’t it make more sense to teach parents the things they need to know to help their child feel safe to express their sadness during those first three years of life? And again, this is when these children aren’t just starting to develop the belief system that they will use for the rest of their lives. That is why Helping Children with Loss, When Children Grieve The Handbook is prevention. This information is prevention.
Victoria Volk: Now that I’ve gotten these three points out, I wanna start talking about divorce in the holidays as it relates to children in their grief experience. And it might surprise you that we actually divide divorce into two different categories, long-term or sudden. And the difference with divorce is that there is often one partner who has been struggling for a long time. While the other partner has been unaware, that things are not right. And so when the later gets served with divorce papers, it can have the impact of a sudden death, and some children are very aware of a problem in their household. I would say most are aware because children are sponges. They take in information in all kinds of ways and their eyes and ears are always listening and hearing and seeing and watching. So they have often seen and been subjected to arguments between their parents over an extended period of time. And for those children, the announcement of a divorce will fall under the heading of a long-term condition. And on the other hand, some parents manage to conceal from their children, their personal difficulties with each other. And when children who were not aware of any major problems are informed of an impending divorce, their reaction is also as if a sudden death has happened. The impact can be overwhelming to a child. And there’s a high probability that a child may begin to participate in a variety of short-term energy-relieving behaviors in response to the sudden news of their parents’ divorce. It could be said that a divorce is a family matter. And even though there is truth in that comment, the bottom line is that the couple is getting the divorce and the children are in the line of fire. The collateral damage to the children can be monumental.
Victoria Volk: The children caught in a divorce are experiencing multiple losses. What loss or losses are they experiencing? Well, look at the conflicting feelings caused by a change or an end in a familiar pattern of behavior. So some examples of losses that children may experience while their parents are going through divorce is a loss of patient that this family would be together. The loss of trust, loss of familiarity and routines, loss of safety, loss of childhood, loss of residence, and or the change to dual residences. Any one of these losses is enough to break a child’s heart. Not to mention, feel overwhelming.
Victoria Volk: So let’s look at each of these in a little bit more detail. Looking at the loss of expectation that the family would be together, children are taught about love and honor and trust and loyalty by their parents. They learn how to be loving and considerate how to resolve conflicts and how to get along with others. And from literature and films and religious institutions, children also learn that the vows exchanged in the marriage ceremony pledge a commitment to those virtues. And whether or not you’ve experienced this, think about how can fusing and disturbing it must be to children when their parents cannot maintain that pledge to each other. Also, take loss of trust. Imagine the conflicting feelings children must experience as a divorce scenario unfolds, or explodes before their eyes. What reference point do they have to deal with those feelings? It is very difficult teach your children about love and simultaneously teach them about divorce. Given that implicit promise that the family will always be together, the divorce itself represents a major breach of trust.
Victoria Volk: Moving on to loss of familiarity and routines, this is difficult all by itself, and it’s often greatly intensified by the fact that children may be undergoing other major transitions as they move from childhood to adulthood. We know all too well that the stresses and strains of those transitions can have powerful consequences. And those transitions can be happening in every age bracket.
Victoria Volk: Next, loss of safety. Familiarity in routines build safety in a sense of well-being. The patterns established within a family are usually dismantled by divorce. Children flailing around and the emotional aftermath of a divorce often do not feel very safe. Safety and familiarity go hand in hand, so it is a good idea to limit the amount of additional changes.
Victoria Volk: Loss of childhood. The instinct for survival can take many forms. For the most part, survival actions are beneficial. Sometimes they backfire. The scenario in which children take care of a parent is one example of such a backfire. It is understandable that children who would instinctively try to protect the very person or people who are supposed to protect them. It’s the child’s way of trying to guarantee their own survival. But this impulse to care take puts them in conflict with their own nature. Divorce tends to turn children into amateur psychologists. It spurs them to analyze and figure things out. It forces them to grow up before their time and to take on attitudes and actions that are not appropriate to their time of life.
Victoria Volk: And I can say this specifically for myself that that holds a lot of truth just for my own experience of my dad passing when I was eight years old, my parents didn’t divorce. He died, but like I said earlier, divorce can be this long-term experience where it can be this like a sudden death. And so that’s where there’s similarities that can be expressed in divorce, as well as a death of a parent.
Victoria Volk: And talking about loss of residence or change to dual residences, everything that I’ve talked about has been magnified when the move is the result of a divorce. The moves or changes caused by the divorce carrying emotional weight which is added to the fact that moving in and of itself changes everything that is familiar and routine for a child. Think about it. If you change your job, you’re going to a new you might move across to a different state, you’re going to have new coworkers, new neighbors, new friends. You’re leaving old friends and colleagues behind. The same goes for children. But it’s on a scale that taking all these other things into consideration and what I’ve already shared you can see why this would have probably long-term effects on the well-being of a child.
Victoria Volk: And here’s what I’ll say to all of this. When as parents, we work on our own grief and work to resolve what is emotionally complete for ourselves and the losses that we’ve experienced in our life, whether it’s loss of trust or loss of safety or loss of our spouse or parent. We learn how to simply be present with a child in our life. Regardless of their age. You can simply be and not have to do anything. You don’t have to fix your child. You don’t have to give advice. You don’t have to jump in or change a subject. You can just listen and acknowledge. And this is what builds trust with children. And I will go on to say to starting first, going first, speaking to how you had expectations for your life with your significant other that didn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean that that child has loved any less. It doesn’t mean that you care about that, the other parent, any less. You might, but to not use that time that you have with your child to bad mouth or talk about the other parent, but instead use the time that you have with your child to. Let them share. Let them express. Let them give voice to what they’re feeling, to what they’re thinking. That is what builds trust with children.
Victoria Volk: And this is where grief recovery is the most helpful because you can simply learn how to connect with your child at an emotional level. And not take away the feelings of the child. That’s not the goal. It’s not the goal to fix just to be and listen. And so as we’re navigating the holidays coming up and the changes of homes or sharing the holiday with a significant other or your now ex-spouse, or ex-significant other. Think about that. Think about what that child put yourself in the shoes of the child. What will they be experiencing? What would how are they feeling about especially if this is the first holiday the first Thanksgiving or the first Christmas where the child is feeling torn between two homes. Feeling torn from their mother, being feeling torn from their father, or whatever the situation is. It could even be a grandparent and a parent. Right? I mean, there are so many different scenarios to what a family looks like these days that I just my point is though is to think about the child put yourself attempt to put yourself in that child’s shoes. And your child may say, well, you might ask, well, how are you doing? I’m fine. Children might appear to be fine. They might appear unscathed. But I guarantee you all of the change and disruption to their life, especially if it was I would say regardless if it was like this long-term thing that they saw issues, they knew that there were issues versus feeling like it was a sudden death. Either way, there is gonna be changes that the entire family will have to navigate and adapt to.
Victoria Volk: And I think if the child is brought into the fold of that experience and not shut out or, I mean, if you might think that you’re protecting them, but if protecting them is not letting them talk about their feelings or not letting them share or not having them have a voice that is not helping them. And so I just wanted to encourage you if you find yourself in this situation or someone who is or if it was a death, let’s say it was a death of a parent, all of these things can still apply that I just talked about. There’s still going to be a lot of change. There’s still going to be a lot of uncertainty and by keeping those points in mind that I started out this episode with, you can be a soft space. And a place for a child to turn to not to be fixed, but to be heard.
Victoria Volk: And I guess that’s my whole point in sharing this episode. These two episodes is to bring awareness to childhood grief because it is a thing. Even though child children may appear fine, they may appear like they’re not being affected. I guarantee you they are on some level. They could just be expressing what they’ve learned from you. They could be emulating what they’ve learned from you. And so take that into consideration like how have you shown up in your grief and express that to your child regardless of what their age is because you can look back in hindsight and you’re always a parent. You’re forever a parent. That never changes. So whether it is an adult child or whether it is a young child, this is an episode where you can reflect on the past and think about the lessons that you passed out to your children and maybe share this episode with them and have a conversation. Maybe some things that you would have liked to have done differently or that you wish would have gone differently. That’s grief too. Grief is a loss of hope, dreams, and expectations. Anything that we wish would have been or could be different, better, or more.
Victoria Volk: And that’s what I gotta say about that. This is for the children out there, the grievers, the most vulnerable among us, and you grow up one day. I know you’re a child. You’re not as a child, you’re not probably listening to this. But as an adult, if you were a child who experienced a lot of grief and you grew up with grief. I see you. I hear you. I know you because I am you. And this is why I’m so passionate about sharing this information today in this episode and the last episode. And I do hope that the downloads go up because there are a whole lot of children suffering in this world and there are a whole lot of adults who grew up as children who felt as though they were suffering.
Victoria Volk: And if you are now a parent like me and you were a child griever, you can break the cycle. You can break those patterns and those things that you learned that were misinformation and unhelpful to you you can learn new knowledge and new tools to support your children and to break that cycle moving forward. That’s all I gotta say today on this topic. I hope you found it helpful. Please share it with a parent that you know or love or use it as a tool for yourself to become a better version of yourself as a parent to children that you are raising. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Educational, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Life with Human Design, Pespective, Podcast, Resources |
Amy Douglas | The Manifestation of Grief Through Our Human Design
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Amy joins me for a second recording, and this time, we’re digging into the energy centers of the Human Design tool.
According to MyHumanDesign.com, where you can discover your Human Design, it’s a roadmap for living your life. It can teach you to recognize that not all advice is the best advice for you. Additionally, Human Design can help you realize your innate gifts and traits to embrace who you came into this life to be.
Like all tools, it’s information, and what you do with it, if anything, is entirely up to you. Information is just knowledge. However, applied knowledge is wisdom.
Human Design has personally helped bring to my awareness my blind spots, areas of relationships, and my being that I couldn’t see from an outside perspective because I wasn’t aware of them until Human Design helped me realize them. Do you see how this tool can be the mirror you’ve been looking for? Or perhaps your spleen is running the show, and you’re too afraid to look?
In today’s episode, you will learn, head to root, about the 9 Human Design Energy Centers and how grief often manifests and shows up in these energy centers, whether you have been defined (colored in) or undefined (white).
Before listening, and only if this resonates or you’re curious (listen to your HD authority on that), go to www.mybodygraph.com first to get your Human Design body graph, then hit play and prepare yourself for some a-ha moments, friends!
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. If this is your first time listening, thank you for joining me and my guests today. And if you’ve listened before, thank you for tuning back in. And actually, if you listened before, you may have heard my guest today, she appeared on episode one sixty four, which aired on ten seventeen, twenty three, from betrayal and loss to manifesting joy. And today, we’re gonna dive deep into human design, and I’m so excited for this conversation because I wanted to be able to provide listeners who are curious and interested in learning their human design what that means for them and apply it to grief because that’s really what this podcast is about. And so that you can have another tool in your toolbox for information and knowing yourself. And I think that’s really my personal mission for myself for several years now since probably twenty fourteen. And I’m all about any tool that helps me to better understand myself, my tendencies, how I’m wired, how I show up in the world, where I might falter, what my my blind spots might be. Right? It’s information and we can’t change something we don’t know or acknowledge. Right? Isn’t that what Dr. Phil says? We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. So anyway, thank you so much for coming back to the podcast. And I’m excited to dive in. So let’s do it.
Amy Douglas: Yes. I’m so happy to be here again and talking about subject obviously that’s very near and dear to my heart. I see so much to be offered to your listeners, to the collective, to anyone who is ready to take a deep dive into their own personal journey. And while if you’ve listened to the episode, that we aired together on the seventeenth of October I shared parts of my journey that has led to different periods of time where I’ve experienced, grief and trauma and loss and just and I think once I really shined the spotlight on myself, you know, when you’re going through things, I I can only speak to you, Victoria, and your listeners about my personal experiences. Of course, I can with any clients I’ve worked with as well. But my journey is the most the one that I can be the most vulnerable and authentic in sharing. And I think there were a lot of years where I would project what was happening in my life onto someone else or something else like, there was very much a very conditional cause and effect of how I was operating in the way that I was allowing myself to experience life. And I think it’s a those words are important allowing myself because we all get to choose how we are experiencing life. And until we empower ourselves to create awareness on what we’re doing, wow, blame, and projection, and all that seems pretty simple. But when you turn and put the focus on yourself, and say, alright, what role am I playing and what’s going on? And I think that was a huge catalyst in twenty sixteen for myself of what I started doing. I was just like, alright. I can only control. And again, anytime I use that word, it is in the highest vibration because as I shared control as a manifestor is one of the four core wounds. So I don’t wanna be controlling and I don’t wanna be controlled, but controlling this scenario is I am only responsible for my actions, my beliefs, and how I am choosing to be. And when I brought human design; well, when it came to me and I was ready to allow myself to dig into it, it shined so much of that spotlight on how I was allowing myself to show up in the world. And because my belief system is we choose this for ourselves before we’re even brought into the world, I could see where I was not empowering myself to align with what I chose. And that can really hold energy in the body, the body graph is very much about the body. And grief can be held in a lot of areas if you’re not aware. And so the gift is once you become aware, then you get to do something about it and you can no longer be unaware.
Victoria Volk: Mhmm. And I think that’s where the challenge is and the fear is for a lot of people to do really deep introspection and reflection work because you can feel powerless and you can feel like you don’t have a choice. But then once you realize you do, not doing anything is a choice too. Right?
Amy Douglas: So, yes. Yeah. Oh, yes. Anytime somebody tells me I’m stuck, and please, there’s no disrespect for you. I’m not diluting what anyone is experiencing. But stuck is also a choice. Mhmm. Right? And so it and it’s okay if you’re choosing that, but let’s just not choose it forever. Right? Let’s really tune ourselves to what we can do for ourselves. And I think oftentimes we look outside of ourselves. For other people? Are there systems? Are there something? Are there to quote unquote fix? And while I am happy to have as many tools in my tool belt toolbox as there possibly can be, it really starts with me. It’s always me versus me. And so, human design just gave me language to where I could look, for how I might not be an alignment for what I chose for myself, which in the world of grief, can be, where am I not letting myself deal and process or where am I inviting myself to escape from? One of the gates has the potential for addiction.
Amy Douglas: And so that’s very real if you’ve something traumatic and you don’t wanna feel it and you don’t wanna deal with it. I have some of the energy in my design because I shared in the last episode I’m a thirty five year recovering binge eater. That was my go to. I do. I have that activation in my design. So it’s almost affirming. Okay. I’m not, it’s like, okay, I see where this shows up. But now that I know when I get activated by something, I then have I have power to choose what I do with that because it’s and I almost I’ve done it so much of my work. It’s like, I almost laugh at it now, like, there you are again.
Victoria Volk: And that’s gate thirty-five with addiction.
Amy Douglas: Well, gate twenty-four is the addiction gate. That’s ashna. Yeah. And it’s a processing thing. It’s like, oh my gosh, there’s so much mental processing in the ashna. That’s one of the center of the nine centers in the human design body graph. And that I must make sense of this. I must do this. There’s something that has to be done. It’s an awareness center. Awareness centers do not mean that you have to do. It is about being aware. And so if you’re tired of not knowing what to do about it, does that constant spinning, then we see sometimes people choosing to numb out from it. Right? And that’s very real. So there’s no shame in it, but the awareness is important of it. Because I’ve heard so many times from all the beautiful people in my life that I’ve been able to work with, they’ll say something like, again, I’m not diluting this, but something was modeled for them. My dad was an alcoholic. Such and such was this and this. And so they feel like because that was modeled, that’s what they chose. But when I can show them that there’s actually something in their charts, get all of a sudden, they feel like, okay, then it’s something that I can manage and navigate. And that feels different than what has been conditioned upon us. Because conditioning happens from everything outside of us, all of our experiences, everything we witness hear, see, feel, all of those things. And while there’s a lot of gifts and a lot of that, it also shows us and tells us how we’re supposed to be or what we’re supposed to be doing, and we actually get to navigate that for ourselves. We’re all so incredibly unique.
Victoria Volk: And that can be that’s where the those belief systems come in. Right? Like, I believe that I must be destined for this life because that’s what always been. Like, my father, my grandfather, my great grandfather, they were all alcoholics. So I must this must just be just part of the ancestral pattern that continues. Right? And I wanna come back to something you mentioned with the Ashna, the head center, like the hamster on the wheel, the spinning energy.
Amy Douglas: Yes.
Victoria Volk: Just in biofuel tuning, that often shows up on the other, depending on which side of the head it’s on, the spinning, the masculine or the feminine, the right to the left, people generally can have hip issues on the opposite side. So the spinning, that spinning pattern can show up as this energy of manifesting itself in the hips. So I just wanted to share that briefly too. That biofuel is connected.
Amy Douglas: Everything is connected. I had biofuel tuning done for the first time when I was in Costa Rica doing my human design reader training, which was magical. And I was blown away by that experience. And boy, you were spot on. You were beacon right to me when you shared that because I do. I carry a lot of that in my hips. And she spent a lot of time with me. And then, of course, I was so what’s the word I wanna use? Naive. I was like, oh my god. I feel fantastic. Like, this is great. Like, I’m so grateful for you. I think I joked not even knowing that I was joking that I was fit and she just kinda laughed at me. She’s like, so this was just one sis.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. Exactly.
Amy Douglas: You’re gonna go back to your ways and it’s all gonna be what but it just it was really it was very enlightening and so brilliantly, Orca’s rated for me to learn more about myself. So, yeah, that modality is no joke. Very powerful.
Victoria Volk: And it’s all about science too, which I geek out on. When people are looking for their at their human design, which they can get at mybodygraph.com, then I’ll put a link in the show notes. When they’re first looking at their body graph for me too, like, I think I looked into it maybe over a year ago and it was a lot. It’s overwhelming. It’s like, okay.
well, great that’s I’m a manifestor. So what? You know? But I think what I’ve uncovered as I’ve been diving back into it recently, is how it’s impacted my relationships, like learning about how my design rubs up against others people’s design. Right? Like, how we show up in relationships. That has been a like, that’s been, like, mind-blowing for me to have certain awarenesses. Around my energy of, what’s the word, initiating others, and the impact that can have and not really understanding that power that my energy holds. Two, and how as a manifestor, like yourself, how this aura that we have, it’s not easily penetrated and which explains why my circle has is very small. Right? Like, I surround myself with, like, small quality relationships rather than quantity. So I’ve been personally learning a lot, which has been what which has been really fun. And it really is an experiment. Right? It’s an experiment. Like, once you know this stuff, like, experimenting with it and seeing how it shows up. So someone, I’ll shut up now, looking at their human design. What are some areas that you can you speak to the different energy centers, whether they’re defined or undefined and how that relates to grief?
Amy Douglas: Yes. Yes. So there are nine different centers. So everybody has a body graph that holds nine centers. What’s different and unique is what your activations are and what that means is if you have certain things quote unquote lit up or defined, there’s color to them in your design. And so of the nine centers, each one holds us very specific energy within it. And I love to get people really in tune with the energy that’s offered in each of the centers. If that’s something that you’re just wanting to take on and get just your beat wet with. That’s a really good place to just kinda start understanding it because language can be used that you understand. So we’ll just stop start at the top of the house, the head center. The head center is a pressure center, and it’s a very curious center. Whether you’re defined or not. If you’re defined, you’re very you have consistent clear access to the energy in that center, and this is where inspiration and our questions come from. And so I want you to think, you, Victoria, have it defined. I do not. So oftentimes, you don’t necessarily need to pay. You’re not observing necessarily what’s going on outside of you and how this speaks to grief, where I am very attuned to what’s going on in my world because it’s where I get inspired. Your inspiration comes from within you.
Amy Douglas: So I want you to hear how grief can get trapped. This is, again, my perspective, this is not the law each person. That’s what I love about design. It’s your own experiment. It’s your own experience. But the way that I see grief can get trapped here or that you can present with it is, again, it’s this I must like, I have all these questions. And for you, you’re stuck in your own sense of questioning, and there’s a loop that happens. And for me, it’s like, everybody else must know the answer to this. Everybody else, it’s so either you’re looking outside or you’re trapped within. And that’s kind of where grief can sit there. And this is going to be a pattern you’re going to hear as I go through these nine. So then we’ll move down to the ashna.
Amy Douglas: The ashna is the center that answers the questions that come in the head and it’s an awareness center. So it’s not the same pressure that’s in the head. I must do the thing. I must get the answer. This is oh, I must conceptualize everything that’s coming through. You, Victoria, have it defined. I do not. So you’re just spinning with concept realizing, you know, like, why do I have this Greek? Why is it still here? What does this mean to me? Why can’t I move past it? And I’m pretending to be certain about, well, this is why and this is what I to do. Right? Like there’s I’m kind of, like, glossing over it, not letting myself sit with it as much. And the awareness of it, I’m not sure what the hell to do with it. That’s that’s just through truth, and you know what to do with it. And yet, what you’re doing with could be on a spin cycle. It could be that energy of stuckness. Okay?
Victoria Volk: Is this where that pollyanna kind of Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Thank you.
Amy Douglas: Yeah. So then the throat center, is our manifestation centers, our communication centers, how we let out what’s going on in our body to the rest of the world to know what’s happening. This is such an important center as it relates to grief. So whether you’re defined or undefined. Defined we often have a very consistent way of our articulating what we’re experiencing. As manifestors, sometimes it’s gonna come out as anger, especially when we’re misaligned. And so just watch out for that. We don’t It’s not personal. Right? And especially if we have emotional authority, and I’m talking layers on, you hear some conditions to this, but it’s just there are layers to this system. I’m trying to make it just really user friendly and digestible.
Amy Douglas: But if someone has this undefined, they are great speaking on behalf of others, but this is really important to empower yourself that it’s safe to share. Find the platform. For me personally, with my design, I want to process it myself a lot before I’ll let someone else in and whom very much to your point, we keep a very small circle of Victoria and that’s okay. It’s okay. It’s important. It’s how we protect ourselves. And that’s our unique, org type as a manifestor. A manifesting generator would have a million people they’re gonna talk to it. Right? There’s just like the more the merrier, right, type of thing. So there are layers to helping you identify how you can empower yourself to move that energy, that emotion out of your beautiful communication center to allow you because oftentimes what happens is when we hear it come out We’re like, we can then have an opportunity to have a reflection. No different when we’re sharing it with someone else. It empowers them to have an objective perspective. So really choose wisely. Right? You don’t want someone that’s trying to manipulate your situation. Oh, you just need to get over it. That is not the person that you wanna share this with.
Victoria Volk: So can I ask quickly then, is that is that the splenic? Speaking, because, you know, the very emotional. I’m an emotional authority. You’re an emotional authority. So when we hear, you should just get over it. Is that a splenic authority speaking? With the deep mind, throat or not necessarily?
Amy Douglas: I think it’s just somebody who’s deeply conditioned and it’s not okay to speak your truth and what you’re going through. And so I don’t want to because someone who’s splenic could also just be such a beautiful presence for them to reflect something back to you. In a very safe space container, splenic authority, people are just like super in the moment, but they’re not gonna be someone that’s gonna necessarily spout out something that could potentially be just like limiting. That feels limiting. Just get over. It feels very limiting. Like, you’re not even giving me the space. To want to share what I’m experiencing. So I don’t wanna label it as because I’m sharing that that feels hard and harsh. Right? And that design our designs have the opportunity to have low vibe and high vibe. That’s just all there is to it. And so while someone could express it either way. I don’t wanna put parameters necessarily around, you know, where the definition is.
Victoria Volk: That makes sense. I almost I almost feel like a splenic. It would be it’s almost like they’re almost the type that they may not speak all the time or they may not be the one that’s always talking, but yet when they talk, people listen.
Speaker 1: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Definitely. And again, the worst thing we can do for someone that does have splenic authority is ask them, are you sure? Because it’s so in the moment. And you and I who have emotional authority asking us, are we sure? It’s kind of like a joke. Well, hell, I don’t know. This is just kind of how I feel. It feels really real really I feel really sure about it at the moment, but let’s check back with me. That’s why we say there’s no truth in the now. But it feels very true for us in the moment. So that communication center is so important. Now, if you have this undefined, it’s important to surround yourself with people that will give you the spaciousness to not limit how long it takes you to get to what you’re wanting to share. You and I, Victoria versus Saint. We’re probably gonna whip it out in no time. But someone that has an undefined throat has a lot that they’re they may, you know, come around and dance around it a little bit and then come back. And that’s okay and it’s beautiful. But again, it’s really empowering yourself just surround yourself with someone that is aligned to listen to what you’re allowing yourself to get out. And then you’re gonna have aha’s from it. And if you have that safe trusted person, they’re gonna have some really, you know, deep reflections for you. That’s why talk therapy, coaching scenarios, that kind of thing, helps you I can’t see inside my own glass. So journaling, inviting myself to audio, you know, file what I’m going through, helps me see it, but it’s still my glass letting someone else help shine the light on what I’m experiencing is so important. Such a big piece of releasing grief. Right?
Victoria Volk: Oh, that was good. Okay.
Amy Douglas: G Center. G Center is all about your sense of direction, sense of who you are, where you’re going. And grief here can be trapped in I don’t know who I am now that I don’t have this person in my life or I’ve had this, loss or breakup or fill in the blank with whatever it is, and I’m lost without them. And I do not have a defined g center nor do you Victoria and we’re kind of meant to quote unquote feel lost. And that’s okay because it, there are breadcrumbs that lead us to the next thing that we’re meant to experience. But this is where we could get locked into that cycle of, like, oh my gosh, I can’t exist now. I can’t do this, and that is so not true. It’s just It’s not true. It’s a story we’re telling ourselves. And so when we you start to hear that kind of thing, it’s like, oh, okay. And then for someone that might have it defined who’s always been on a certain path and always know who they are and express themselves that way, and then they get jolted out of that reality they could be in a spin cycle too because now they don’t have their own sense of self. And this is where I’m gonna come back to. This is the deep self-work that is necessary. Like, I know who I am. I know where I’m going. I love myself. Those are the things that come out of that beautiful G center. So really inviting yourself to connect back to that and whatever practice feels the mind for you. Then we move on to the beautiful, powerful, heart center, The heart center one would think this is where holds all of our emotions. No. This is our will power. And this is our enoughness. I like to call the enoughness center. And so just think about that. I mean, we could just put a pin in it right there.
Amy Douglas: If you already are experiencing something in your life that is emtronic or whether it’s loss, whether it is just anything that just feels really, really hard. Somebody that doesn’t have this defined like me, Victoria, you do. My go to is, well, I wasn’t worthy of it or I didn’t deserve it or I’m not enough type of energy. I must prove myself for that to be my thing. And that could be a really shitty spin cycle. For someone who’s experiencing grief and trauma and trying to move through something, where for you that has it defined. You could go in a bit of a spin cycle too of this is not what I wanted for myself. This is not what I desired. How did I allow this to happen? Right? Like, it’s that control thing. There’s a lot of control, energy, controlling of resources, that kind of thing, controlling of my community in the heart center. And so if you feel out of control of it for someone who has that defined, you can start telling yourself stories with that too. And I hope what everybody’s hearing, I’m here now in the fifth of nine centers. Again, so much is this of you. What you’re empowering yourself to believe about yourself. And guess what the gift of that is, the only work that has to be done is on you because we cannot control anything around us. We cannot control the media, which I don’t even listen to. I’m not even on social media hardly ever. So that I mean, and I would we could have a whole episode on what those things do to get trapped in someone’s body.
Amy Douglas: So if you wanna start somewhere, shut that shit off in your life. And allow yourself to be with you, period. My sister, my oldest sister, who’s a splenic manifestor, just went on a seven night silent retreat. To shine the light on herself for what she’s like, I’m fifty six. I’m done with this. I’m gonna work on it. And I gave her some little pointers, which was fun, but it’s important that we give ourselves the spaciousness to focus on ourselves And so with every center I’m going through, I want you to hear this is what you can do for you. I want so many of your of the anybody that’s willing to listen to understand this work can be done on yourself to heal. It’s so important. And so while we look outside of ourselves a lot, when you shine the light within, it’s important that we give ourselves the spaciousness to do that.
Amy Douglas: Then we move on to the emotional solar plexus, such a fun center. Fifty one percent of the population has this defined, so you’re either defined. Or you’re with somebody around somebody that’s not. Right? So this is where all those emotions and those feelings and those moods and just it could be very a very tumultuous center. It’s packs a punch for sure. And so what I wanna say here is, first and foremost, if you’re defined, I want you to celebrate it. I definitely resisted celebrating it because you are wired and mechanically built to process your emotions. You are built for this. If it is undefined, it doesn’t mean you’re not built for this. What I want you to do first and foremost is to check-in with yourself if the emotions that you’re feeling are even yours. Because when you’re undefined in the sender, you are feeling it. The magnitude of it is amplified by anyone around you that does have it defined. So think about a grief cycle if there’s a loss in the family. And you’re the only one that doesn’t have that center defined. And that people around you are processing their emotions. They’re spitting them out, sharing them, that kind of thing. And you’re it doesn’t feel safe for you to do that. But then you’re feeling the emotions of everyone else amplified.
Amy Douglas: I have a perfect example of this I shared in the last episode that my beautiful sister’s husband passed away right after my dad did and her precious at the time sixteen year old daughter was the one that found her dad in the shower gone, lesser heart. And this precious my beautiful precious niece has, really had a road to go of because she was and her daddy was everything. Right? And she is the only one in her little immediate family that has a defined solar plexus. My sister and her son. So, my niece’s brother do not have a defined solar plexus. Okay? So every time something was happening in her life and what she was experiencing when she was going to express it. My beautiful sister was there just holding her with it. But my sister was amplifying what she was experiencing and her daughter felt as though she had to comfort her own mom Right? Because it was just like it was so much for my sister. And because we are built to navigate it, then we kind of take over the soothing and comforting.
Amy Douglas: And so another way for you to look at and shine a light on how am I moving through my emotions. Am I sure that they’re mine? Am I taking on that of others? Wow, in a grief scenario, I mean, if we could shine like there’s two centers and that I want to touch on, and this one is a huge one that to do with feelings and moods and emotions and what you’re going through. So knowing this could be a huge catalyst for how you allow yourself to process what you’re going through. And there are so many ways to allow yourself to move through it, is the awareness alone is gonna be really key.
Victoria Volk: Do I have it defined?
Amy Douglas: You too. Yeah. Because that’s what makes this that makes this emotional. Yeah. We have that beautiful thirty-five, thirty six.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. So I mean, what you’re saying in a nutshell is those that have it defined become the emotional caretakers?
Amy Douglas: Because we’re kind of built for it. But then but then can you imagine the person who does it and what they’re feeling they’re feeling it like on steroids. And it’s not like those of us aren’t feeling it that way too. I’m not trying to minimize it, but we’re mechanically built to allow ourselves to process it. And someone that doesn’t, they’re not consistently wired to process it, and then they’re feeling the impact of everybody else around them that is consistently wired. So then they’re like, it’s really important to identify. Is this mine? Must I carry this? Or can I lovingly put it on that soft little fluffy cloud and let it move on by? And then I can sit with and be me again. And so it’s like allowing yourself to truly physically move out at the energetic space of those that have it defined so that you can check back in with yourself. Am I okay? Is this mind to carry? Is this mind to process? Do I have to do anything with this? Because you don’t. And by the way, those are how this undefined, this solar plexus undefined, you really avoid conflict and confrontation anyway and sometimes truth because it’s hard. You don’t like, well, what do I do with it? Where those of us haven’t defined aligned, deconditioned. We’re like, I’m hitting this head on. Right? Mhmm. And I avoided this. You guys I’m not trying to make this sound so simple. I avoided my emotions for years. I stepped it down with foods deliciously so I didn’t have to deal with it. And I’m grateful that that was a tool I had in my tool built to provide me comfort. And now I want to do it in a way that feels so much more empowering and not filled with guilt and shame because anybody that has had an eating, a challenge, a challenging relationship with eating and food, don’t want to feel shame or what they choose to feel their body with. Right? So it’s there’s a lot of letting go there as well. I had a lot of grief of letting go of my relationship with food, for sure, because it had been such a tool I’d use to comfort myself for so long, so then it’s like crap, what do I use now?
Victoria Volk: Well, and look at where the the solar plexus is. Right? Yeah. The whole gastro into
Amy Douglas: Oh yes,
Victoria Volk: It’s a little stomach. Like, you know, the organs that are there. Right?
Amy Douglas: Yes.
Victoria Volk: Yes. Is this where is this the center where we see projection manifest too? Is this word
Amy Douglas: Say more?
Victoria Volk: So, like, if I’m projecting my feelings onto other people.
Amy Douglas: Oh, yeah.
Victoria Volk: Is this word that coming from. And is that Yes. More app to be someone who’s defined as undefined? Okay. Yes.
Amy Douglas: Yes. Yeah. Because undefined is just kinda, like, like, I’ll have my undefined people in my life reach out to me and they’ll be like, are you feeling? How are you feeling today? Even my son who is also defined, but our designs are so similar. He’ll, like, send me a text. Mama, how are you feeling today? Anything going on? Because he’s because we, like, channel each other’s. My daughter, my son and I, we channeled each other stuff. My son was nauseous, like the whole time my daughter was pregnant. It’s just like you can’t make this stuff up. And so he’s just checking in. Even though all three of us are emotionally defined, we can still feel that. It’s just we have a more consistent way to process it especially once we’re more aware. That’s that’s the key. Right? Awareness
Victoria Volk: Can I ask to like, is this where someone would think that they might be highly sensitive? Or
Amy Douglas: Yes. Like, empathic. Empathic. Yes.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. So Okay.
Amy Douglas: So highly sensitive empath typically equals not defined. Right? Because the theory although, I would say, I’m very sensitive. I’m quite seasoned.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. I think. Yeah. That’s why I’m asking
Amy Douglas: I would say that I’m definitely an empath. Hello? I’m here. I’m a healer. I’m here to help others. I know that. And yet, of course, I am because I’m not so depleted. Because I have the consistent, you know, way of allowing myself to process it. Now, it took practice of, please, if you’re listening to your I did not feel that way, neither did I in the beginning.
Victoria Volk: I didn’t either.
Amy Douglas: Right. It took practice. But the person who has this undefined is just like, and they feel it and they take it on and it can manifest as things in their body for sure. Like, adrenals can just be go shot. And it’s just it’s important to really check-in on, is this yours to carry or not? And I really empowered myself to create a practice when I was done with the client session of just it’s this isn’t mine. I’m gonna send them some energetic love. They are fully equipped to handle this and move through this. And I’m here to support them, but it is not mine to carry going forward because they were in the beginning, I definitely carried it. Definitely carried it.
Amy Douglas: Okay. A beautiful sacral center. So seventy percent of the population has this defined. Victoria and I do not. Okay. So this is a powerhouse. This is the life force energy, the generational, let’s go go go type of thing. I can do the thing. And so someone that has this defined, which is likely, the dominating, parts of your listenership. I mean, that’s just, the population, that’s how it is. They often where how grief can set with them is I shouldn’t be still dealing with this. Right? Like, I must do the thing to move through it. This is where escapism can often set in. From my perspective, this is what I have witnessed, and I shared very briefly, but my partner lost his son in twenty one, his middle son, to an ATV accident at the young age of twenty. And my partner has a defined sacral. And so you kinda just wanna go and do just do. Just use that energy, do do do. And my invitation for someone is while I want you to move through, but I don’t want you to escape from it. And so just really checking in with, am I using this energy, this fuel to my highest good? Am I using this in a healthy way? And those of us that don’t have it defined, it’s this feeling of, I’m not doing enough. Another enough center. And so just checking in. I’m moving through what I’m experiencing at my pace and it’s beautiful. And then for the person that has the equipped energy, are we trying to escape from anything here? And am I just constantly being busy? So I don’t have to deal with this. And I would say, I showed up on my life as a manifesting generator until I knew. I was very conditioned to show up that way. And this is exactly I dismissed my emotions and I just stayed busy. Because if I stayed busy, I didn’t have to deal with it. Right? And so I was very misaligned with how I was using, you know, my beautiful design.
Amy Douglas: Okay. The spleen, we touched a little bit on, but this is that second center that can really, really impact how you’re processing and empowering yourself to move through grief because the spleen is a primal instinct. It’s your health. It’s your well-being. It’s what must I do to survive? And the spleen is with the area that we tend to hold on to things that are no longer serving us. So I want you to think about this from the perspective of if you’re holding on to the light that you had before the traumatic experience occurred, then you’re not letting yourself move forward. And whether it’s defined or not, we can definitely hold on to things, but it is a lot more common for someone who has this undefined to be living in a very fear-based state. And not letting themselves move through what’s no longer serving them. It’s great to hold on to the memories, but it’s just time to live in the present, and the spleen is very present moment to moment. And so it’s inviting you to process where you are in the exact moment that you’re at. And it’s another awareness center. It’s a very powerful awareness center because it can empower you to shine the light on what am I doing right now? Is the serving point me? What can I do to empower myself to move forward? Like, one of the gates, is like fear of repeating the past. And so if you’re stuck in a spin cycle of I created this trauma in my life that I’m now grieving from, but I’m afraid to do anything else, because, what if I repeat the same thing that I just did? And the thought processes is your spleen is there to tell you in the moment to moment what is best for you? Are you willing to listen? Can you shut off your head center telling you, you must do this, you must do that? Can you shut off if your emotions? Can you not shut them off? But can you navigate those long enough to allow yourself to hear what the spleen is telling you? Because it’s always guiding you to your highest truth. The low vibe of this, and you don’t listen, we dismiss it. It’s that sixth sense you guys. It’s the one that we’re taught to dismiss. It’s the one that you’re like your hair stands up and you’re like, why did that happen? But we we don’t we can’t describe, we can’t defend it, and this is the area that we don’t wanna ask, are you sure? Right? Because it is it is so it’s intuitive, but it’s also very like I said, it’s just it’s in the moment. It’s instinct. It’s primal. And so if you’re holding a lot of grief in this area, forward movement probably isn’t occurring. So what’s not serving you? What could I do different in this very moment? And am I letting whatever is going on in my head dictate what I’m doing because we’re not meant to make decisions anywhere above the throat.
Victoria Volk: Oh, and if you haven’t defined ashna, and then you have an open solar plexus. Like, that’s like a that’s a triple threat.
Amy Douglas: Yes. Yes. Again, we chose this, so we’re not trying to say, oh, god if anybody’s looking at the design, like, shit. No. I have that. No. No. This says awareness. Okay. No. No. No. And I’m not gonna do this going forward. Right? Yes. Everybody’s design it was beautifully orchestrated the way that you chose, and it’s so unique. And so let’s let’s empower ourselves to attach to it in a way that invites us to move in the direction of the alignment that we, you know, really ultimately created for ourselves.
Amy Douglas: The last center is the root center. Anybody that knows anything about the shock resistant, this is that grounding center, but it’s also a pressure center. It’s the pressure to do. It’s the pressure pressure pressure pressure pressure. And what I see as potential grief in this center and the body parts that it’s connected to definitely has to do with not taking any kind of action. No for no, like, I’m gonna just stay quote unquote stuck. The pressure is there for me to do something different, I don’t know what to do with it. And if you have it undefined, you’re likely feeling pressure from everything outside of you, and if that doesn’t feel aligned, that’s because it’s not your pressure again. Anything that’s not defined is coming from outside of you check-in if it’s yours and this root pressure to do to be to act to whatever. It’s meant to be for your highest goods, so just check-in. And this is another one of those kind of timing things. It’s it’s a timing center. I have it defined. I feel pressure all the time, but mine is connected to my spleen. So mine is not talking to my solar plexus at all. And so mine is connected to my spleen, which is moment to moment. And so, oftentimes, my pressure is truly movement to move through things to take action on things. And from a grief perspective, I can also share that I felt like this would because I didn’t have the define I don’t have the define sacral. This is kind of probably where I felt the moment to moment. I must do something because whatever I was doing wasn’t serving me, and I was aware of that from my spleen. And so I might let’s let’s move let’s move this move. Or maybe giving myself the spaciousness to sit in some stillness and process what I was experiencing before I just let myself jump and go do something because there was a little bit of escapism in that center for me, within the absence of the sacral. So I know that was a lot, but it just just the energy of understanding that can be such a catalyst for your own healing. I mean, it’s such a beautiful journey anyway. And I’m giving yourself this spaciousness to learn some of this can be a real game changer. Just I mean, I can. I’m living proof.
Victoria Volk: And can you speak to a little bit of the gate was it thirty six sixty four? Or is that oh, no. The gate of crisis, which is oh,
Amy Douglas: Thirty six. Yeah. That is a gate thirty six crisis.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. Can we speak to that a little bit? Because if people are, because this is oh, grief. Right? So
Amy Douglas: You know, I mean, it’s gate thirty six is my main sun gates. And what that means for anybody when they’re looking. It’s it’s the most prominent energy in my design. K? It’s what I chose for myself and it’s in the solar plexus and I have the solar plexus defined. Because you can have your main sun gate in a center that’s not defined. That’s that’s beautiful too different journey. And so even like I shared in our past episode, it’s not that I feel like I just navigated a ton of really tumultuous, chaotic crises in my life. But then when I go to share them with people, they’re usually just like blown away and I’m like, oh, but I’m really built for this. What’s important for me is to share my emotional experiences, how I have navigated them with others. That is literally what I was that’s what people need from me. Your main sun gate is the energy that people need from you. And so my thirty six, what they need is for me to share what I have experienced and navigated, which by the way, I didn’t do. I didn’t even tell anybody in my family I was getting divorced. Right? Like, I am one that I kind of hermit when things are going on. And I’m really, while I know why I do that. It’s my twelve twenty two energy, which is also an emotional wave. But that’s important for me to kinda glean what I’m experiencing before. I’m ready to articulate it to the other. And then once I do, it gives permission to others to navigate their own. Because when we’re silent about these things and remember, I had built a facade that made it look like I had everything figured out and everything was fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Everything’s always fine. You know, I can handle this. I can do this. I mean, that’s the energy I held, which was so not true. I was completely broken on the inside. But now I see that this thirty six, this gate of crisis is really important for me to share what I have gone through. So if you have this activated in your design, you’re built and you’re wired for these things. And you often may not feel like it has been a perpetual crisis in your life. I joked with Victoria before we started today, morning started out with a couple of crisei, and I literally just gave myself a moment of, okay, cool. That’s how we’re starting today. You know, I see you. I’m gonna put you on a bookshelf and I’ll come back to you, because I have things. But that has been so much work that has empowered me to get to that point. If recognizing acknowledging, this is what I’m built and wired to do. So if it is defining in your body graph, you’re wired for it. If it’s not defined, you’re probably gonna feel it a bunch more when you’re around somebody that it is. And it probably feels harder, you know? And that’s okay. Okay, that’s what you chose. So let’s find a way to help you navigate through it.
Victoria Volk: So if someone is looking, if let’s say, someone’s listening, and they’re looking at their body graph, and they’re looking at their spouses. Mhmm. So what are some things that you look at as a body graph reader when you’re looking at relationships?
Amy Douglas: Oh, it’s one of my favorite things to do. It’s so fun to help someone really shine a light. We call them connection charts. Okay? So that’s where we have the opportunity to put two body graphs together and see how they relate, interact, connect. And when we do that, you have the each individual on each side, you know, so that we’re all individual. But then when we come together, you get to see the gift of what happens in that dynamic. And I like to tell people that there are what’s called like attraction channels, there are these electromagnetic sparks. So it’s like, you have a gate that marries to a gate of mine that then we connect, and then it lights up to centers. And it’s just like, hey, we feel like you can clean me, that Jerry McGuire bullshit. Right? Like, when it completes us people, we’re all complete humans, but it can really feel like, oh my gosh. Get me. And then, like, you and I, Victoria, we both share a channel. So you and I both have the thirty five, thirty six, so, like, we get each other. We can talk about that.
Amy Douglas: But then there are ones that can be more dominating, so you’ve got the whole channel, or the compromise where you’ve got the whole channel and I just have one part of it, not the whole thing that compromise is where I really like to pull people and just help them create awareness. I know I’ve said that word we could probably put a counter out there for this is where friction could occur. Because you’re dominating in this area and I have a snippet of it, but you’re trying to pull me to believe your way of seeing this. And while I’m happy to witness the way that you see it, but it doesn’t have to I don’t have to see it your way. And can you imagine the conflict that happens in just that area. And then, like, with those electromagnetic and the things, it’s, like, all of a sudden, if your partner didn’t have a defined spleen, but being with you, they do. They’re probably gonna feel really safe with you. Like, it’s just it’s trying to light on how we support one another. And then wears their potential for our own growth in our journey. And I always offer it like as soon as I learn design, I did my son and his girlfriends and my daughter and her now husband, and I was like, okay, you guys now look, I am helping shine a light on potential friction in the future. But now that you have awareness for it, there doesn’t have to be any friction. And I’m not trying to be like polyana sunshine and puppies. Right? We still are humans. But oftentimes, the conflict that arises is based on our conditioning. It’s like, oh, we had a core wound there.
You just hit on it. This is where we get that opportunity. Communication is everything in relationship. And so when you can see this, like, I do I often do this as gifts, for people that get married, like, okay, people this is what I see. And so I’ll just do a recorded thing. Now some of them wanna do it live, which is great because they wanna ask questions. But oftentimes, the husband is not nearly as intimate nor offense to any of your male listeners, but they’re like, look, I got this figured out. But then the ahas that come out of it are just I did it for one couple and literally she was like, she sidebar, she wanted me to find all these things. She’s like, oh my god. This annoys me about him and this and this. Can you touch on these things so he’ll stop doing that? And as it turned out, she was such a controlling force and he had an undefined throat and hers was defined. She was speaking over him for him all the things and so I shined a light in a totally different way than what she was asking me to. She said they stayed up all night talking about the reading because we did it live and that I still check-in on them. And their their communication is so much better. She no longer speaks for him. Like, the things that you can glean from what you understand that’s the gift that I see so much in human design is that it offers us to see why someone is the way they are.
Amy Douglas: Now we can’t always see all the conditioned stuff. But it’s like, oh, I understand. It’s okay. You’re beautifully different than me. And that’s beautiful. And it’s okay. But boy in a connection chart, you’re like, when we bring pull together, it’s important that they see those differences and start instead of trying to forever and always change someone. I don’t wanna be changed. Why am I trying to change anybody? Right? It has empowered me to see my partnership. It’s such a more beautiful light. And then you can even do it for the whole family dynamic, which is called a Penta, which is just layers and layers Victoria.
Right?
Victoria Volk: Well, and I can see the value in that as for a parent and a child. Yes. Especially getting to those teen years maybe, probably even before, maybe, nip stuff in the bud. Right? Do it when they’re
Amy Douglas: Oh my gosh. And those are some of my favorite mini readings. Like, I’ve done it for moms with their kiddo. They’re like, what? You just tell me tell me what’s going on.
Their designs are so different And this one instance, I just did that little twenty five minute audio file for her precious little daughter. And the mom listened to it a couple times, and she got her husband to listen to it. And finally, they listened to it as family totally changed the dynamic in the household. I mean, twenty five minutes, guys. Like, are we kidding?
Can I get that simple? Yes, it can. Just showing and highlighting the different ways that we show up in the world just removes a lot of conflict, you know. And therefore, probably a lot of grief in a relationship and, you know, what you’re navigating in your life, how you’re processing. It’s like, oh, I see how you’re doing that. I want to give you space to do that. You don’t have to do it my way. You know, I was raised where the way they it was done was the way to do it, like, from, you know, a hierarchical perspective. I dropped the hierarchy once I got divorced. I said, nope. We’re all equals here, you know, and everybody gets a voice. This is before I even knew design. I’m so grateful I did because that hierarchy while I get it, I hear parents out there going, well, wait, then who’s in charge? Well, sometimes my I mean, my kids have been my greatest teachers, so maybe sometimes they were more in charge. Even though I was the head of the household. And that’s okay.
Victoria VOlk: I just had an idea. So if I had your knowledge, and your know how, I think this would be super fun. To host, like, a people would register, pay, and register to have you would get their body graph, individuals who are looking for their match. Looking for love. Looking for like, looking for the real deal. Right? Mhmm. And you a host like this It’s like speed dating. Right? Except you’ve paired them based on their body graph. Like, wouldn’t that be amazing?
Amy Douglas: Oh my god, I would love to see that unfold. That could be so much fun because really I’m just saying from what I see because I have no controller of how they’re conditioned. Right? Right. And so I cannot see, what has happened from that perspective.
I’m literally just looking at their blueprint. Right? Their body graph, but And so based on that, there was, like, electromagnetic sparks and how they could see and support one another. That could be so fun. But outside of the conditioning, then they take it from there. Right? They take it from there.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. The body graph matchmaker.
Amy Douglas: Oh my god. That’d be so fun
Victoria Volk: I just, like, gave an idea to the masses so you better know. You want me to edit this out later? Just let me know.
Amy Douglas: No act. No. Maybe someone will get us get on board with us to do it. That’d be great. You know, we’re the initiators, Victoria. We don’t see this thing.
Victoria Volk: That’s true.
Amy Douglas: He’s gonna build this for us. You just drop that out as magically as you’re meant to, and now somebody else can get in touch with this and say, alright, we’re ready to do this.
Victoria Volk: Oh, couldn’t you, like, matchmaker cafe? Like, body graph matchmaking cafe, like, seriously, like, I’m just, like, oh, yeah.
Amy Douglas: That could be so fun. That could be so fun. And again, there’s no it’s there’s no absolutes to this. What you do with it from here is up to you, you know, because especially if you’re not truly living into your design.
Victoria Volk: That’s true.
Amy Douglas: Could be really different. Really different.
Victoria Volk: So what are some examples that you’ve seen? I mean, you don’t have no names or anything like that. But examples of how someone’s graph was manifesting as grief in their life, like areas of challenge and things like that, like different examples. Can you give a few?
Amy Douglas: My goodness. Yes. Yes. Yes. So I had a beautiful client who was navigating a divorce and when we started working together, it wasn’t she wasn’t to the place yet where she was ready to allow herself to believe that divorce was the right path. Mhmm. And she’d experienced a divorce already. So can you imagine you’re letting yourself believe that you’re not enough? I did this wrong again repeating the past, you know, those fear centers and that was the heart and the spleen that I just touched on, those two centers, you know. God, I’m just gonna do this again and then again. And we looked and navigated the energy in her design and what she was holding on to that was no longer serving her. And really inviting her to get out of her head, you know, that definition up there she was defined and it just believing that logic and was the way to make decisions for herself which was not at all the way and where she did was dismissing her emotions because she’s emotionally defined and where she was just dismissing those completely, which had so many messages oh my gosh, you guys, like, what we’re feeling, what our body is navigating, those pings, those, like, oh, those are just crystal clear messages that we get to tune into, but our mind wants to shut them down and dismiss them. And she really allowed herself to go deep, really, really deep, and the divorce was hard. And we looked at his design and it made a lot of sense of where he had a lot of stuckness he was very, very well defined, almost all centers defined. So those people don’t have a tendency to be as flexible. And so and he and he wasn’t willing to listen or change or really have open communication. And so it was important for her to move past that and not carry the things that he wasn’t willing to change. As if she did something wrong or wasn’t enough. Oh my goodness. She is flourishing now. She is such a beautiful aligned human and an amazing relationship that is so so aligned. And I think empowering herself to see so much of how she was trapping. Like, she had a lot of body pain. We talk about the hip, but those kind of thing. She had a lot of that, and that is stored grief. I am a firm believer that, like, Fibromyalgia has just stored grief. And I’m not minimizing. I’m not saying that if you can invite yourself to find practices to help, like, whether it’s cathartic, whatever it is to move through it, you’d be amazed how the body will respond to that, and hers has responded beautifully beautifully. So it is possible. It’s so possible.
Amy Douglas: I had another one who had just more of a traumatic childhood Open heart, energy were not enoughness. And she had what we refer to as sacral authority, that life force energy. So it’s that gut response. You know, you know in the moment what the thing is to do. And that’s the center you can ask, are you sure? Like, okay, just checking in. Do I have enough information? Is this right? She wasn’t operating from that. Again, head definition, she was operating from okay. So I have all these stored experiences. I was always told I wasn’t enough. I know I have to prove myself because my heart’s open. Right? So, I must prove I’m valuable and I’m worthy, and I’m not trusting my gut responses, so I’m navigating, I’m getting all the sources out side of me to tell me what’s right, and then I’m checking in with my logic and my head telling me if that is right. So she’s dismissing all of her body wisdom. So we kept coming back to does that feel in your body? What is your body telling you? Bringing her back to her body wisdom? Oh my goodness. How she operates is such a different human now? It’s just so you could hear it in her voice in the way that she breathes, and having to completely open solar plexus, she’s not taken on the shit of the people around her. You know, that’s what she was doing. She was really caring that and harboring that and not having a defined spleen. She was scared to death about a lot of things. Like, she didn’t have to be. That’s a choice. It’s a choice because fear and excitement are born in the same place in your body. Your mind is the one that labels it as such. And so you guys, once you can see what you chose for yourself and how you’re operating outside of it, taking the steps and the decommissioning to move into the alignment of what you chose for yourself helps you move it out of you, that grief the traumas, the stuckness out of you.
Victoria Volk: Oh, this was so good. So good. Jam packed with information that I know will serve so many people who listen to this. So if you’re listening to this and you found this helpful and beneficial. And you’re curious and interested in human design. I highly recommend you check out your own body graph and listen to this episode again. If you’re, listen to it and I’m like, oh, I’m gonna check out my body graph and then come back and listen to it again because will listen to this as I edit it, but they’ll probably listen again just because there’s so you always hear something new, I think.
Amy Douglas: So you ready for it. Right? Like, you integrate in chunk sizes. That’s why that’s why when I do readings, I start with the foundational one. And then we can go deeper.
But it’s important you empower yourself to integrate what you have learned so that you’re available to learn the next, you know, snippet. And we all do that. And again, that’s an awareness thing too. So and I would love to offer any of your listeners just like I did on the last one that twenty five percent off of any of my readings using the coupon code “Grieving Voices”.
Victoria Volk: Yes. And I will put that information in the show notes as well. Anything any other final thoughts? Anything you’d like to share?
Amy Douglas: Well, I also have a podcast. So if you’re curious, you did about hearing about lived experiences. We, my podcast co-host and I, our podcast “Love Human. Be Spirt. And we share all of our lived experiences and a lot of minor emotional folks, okay, through the lens of human design, but we do it in a very like, we don’t we try not to use a lot of the human design words because they’re weird, but we try to share with you just our lived experiences while we’re reflecting on where that might be found in your design and it’s we have a lot of fun doing it. So we try to make it lighthearted. We have a lot of great guests. Victoria. We need to have you on there. So Yes. Yeah. It’s just it’s it’s a safe place to land. We’re not teaching and preaching. But we’re just sharing what we’ve experienced. And I think that is the gift of inviting you to move through things. It’s hearing inviting yourself, I can do oh, they navigated this. I can too. It’s like it’s giving permission to to move through what you’re experiencing and shine the light on bright might be holding on to something that’s not yours.
Victoria Volk: So good. And that’s where we create change in our lives. Right?
Amy Douglas: That’s right. Yes.
Victoria Volk: Well, thank you again for coming back on. Again, we could we go into more layers of this and maybe we will down the road. We’ll see. Because I I have I actually have more work to do with you, and so perhaps I can do another episode and of what I’ve all learned Right? Maybe at that point. So that would be kind of fun. Yeah. Thank you so much for this.
Amy Douglas: Oh, welcome. It’s my pleasure. Yes. I’m happy to be here.
Victoria Volk: And where can they find you?
Amy Douglas: My website, amyadouglas.com.
Victoria Volk: And I will put that in the show notes as well. And in the meantime, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Q&A, solo episode |
Q&A | How Can I Best Help My Child In Their Grief?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
When tragedy strikes or challenging times knock on a family’s door, the children involved can feel cast aside or as if they are an afterthought while the adults are experiencing their emotional crisis. However, it doesn’t have to be that way.
As adults become more knowledgeable about grief, learning new tools and new information, beliefs about grief and how to respond to it can change, too. As children’s adult caretakers/caregivers connect to their own grief and apply new knowledge and tools, they also learn new (and healthier) ways to cope with grief and loss.
Grief education begins at home and starts as early as a child having their blanket or pacifier taken away or losing a pet. This episode explores how our children can be better cared for in their grief.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
Grievers Tend To Isolate
I wanna start by saying reminding listeners if it’s been a while since you’ve heard my earliest episodes or if you haven’t listened to them yet, there are six myths of loss that I discussed in this podcast and my blog posts, and all sorts of places and they’re discussed heavily in the Do Grief Differently™️ program that I facilitate. And the six myths of loss are don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, be strong, keep busy, and time heals all wounds.
And I imagine that you’ve probably heard or had many of these taught to you as a child or that you do many of these things still today. When you are struggling in your grief or have a challenging time in your life, that’s causing grief. And the one thing that’s true is that grievers tend to isolate but it’s not natural because if you think about it, infants cry out when they hurt and we don’t isolate by nature, we isolate by training, by education, and by socialization. And we isolate because we are taught that we laugh together, but we cry alone. And so it doesn’t mean that we need to be surrounded by others 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And don’t get me wrong. I am someone that loves my solitude, and solitude is not bad.
Collecting one’s thoughts and feelings is not bad. For one am an internal processor of my emotions and my feelings and I need that time in private to do so. And if you know somebody who may be quick to anger or is maybe under a lot of stress. Maybe one thing you could ask them instead of becoming defensive is
“Hey, I see that you have been upset lately. I see that you have been angry lately.”
“Can I give you space?”
“Is that what you need? Do you need space?”
It’s kind of seeing the need before the other person really even realizes maybe what they need. But if you’re asking what that person needs or if that’s possibly what that person needs because maybe they are an internal processor of their feelings like myself. Space is exactly what they may need. But I think if you ask, what can I give you right now? That could help you or how can I best help you? And if one of those things is space, then to be respectful of that as well. Because not everybody wants to talk it out or even if they want to talk it out, maybe they’re just not ready. Or maybe you’re not a safe paint person to do that with. But we isolate because we are taught many of these different myths that I just mentioned.
How Can I Best Help My Child In Their Grief?
There is a normal and natural need to keep our own council away from others and away from busy activity and sometimes you just need to go into the bathroom and close the door and have a good cry. But the question this week is about how do I help my child in their grief? But I’m starting this episode this way because I want you to see and maybe recognize how you are responding to your own grief because if you listen to the first part of this, you heard me say, we isolate by training, by education, and by socialization. And so if as a parent or a caregiver or caretaker of a child who is grieving, who’s going through a really difficult time but doesn’t have the language, to articulate what they’re experiencing or what they’re feeling or if you assume that because they are not exhibiting behavior issues or they’re not, they’re being a good child, air quotes, good child, that they’re not struggling. You’re doing that child also a disservice because it could just be how they’re coping. It could be because every time they try to share how they’re feeling, they get a negative response.
What if our children learned different beliefs about grief?
So what if our children learned different beliefs about grief? And how to respond to it. Do you believe that that might produce better results for them in their life? Maybe even as an adult because they would have learned different ways to cope, more healthy, positive ways to cope with their grief as an adult, which in turn impacts their children because if they have children and they’re responding to their child’s grief and to their own by what they know and what they were taught as kids that may not be healthy. It may be more like those STERBS that are in one of the earlier episodes. I talk all about STERBS, the short-term energy-relieving behaviors, the gambling, the shopping, alcohol, drugs, whatever it is that people resort to feel better for a short period of time. You can see we’re learning new behaviors. Learning new ways to cope can have not only short-term but long-term benefits for children who have been raised with better beliefs about dealing with loss.
The Importance of Teaching Our Children About Grief Recovery
There was doctoral research that was done comparing children who experienced the death of a family member. And one group was made up of children whose parents or guardians had substantial awareness of the principles of grief recovery, which you can find in the grief recovery handbook, which I will link in the show notes but the second group had no knowledge of the book or any of its principles or recommended actions. The essential difference between the two sets of parents or guardians was this. One group was helped to look at their own beliefs about dealing with loss. And while the other group was not. As a direct result of looking at and adjusting their own beliefs, those parents and guardians passed on better skills and ideas to the children in their care. The children in this first relatively enlightened group made much better transitions in the area of communicating about sad, painful, or negative feelings. They can talk safely and accurately about feeling sad, then move on to other feelings. Individuals in this group do not perceive themselves to be defective when they are sad. And over time, their bond of trust with their parents and their openness about their feelings remained steadfast. This group includes children who ranged in age from four to eight when the major loss occurred in their lives.
And they have sustained positive lessons learned as the result of their parents or guardians, acquiring information about dealing more effectively with loss. Others in this study who were eight or nine when their loss occurred that were then teenagers feel incredibly safe in talking about or hearing others talk about loss. And in addition, they’re very helpful to friends who are dealing with loss. Keep in mind that what you believe is what you teach. So if you acquire more effective information about dealing with loss you will be a better teacher. And your children will be the automatic beneficiaries.
I know a lot of the people that I’ve worked with through grief recovery, who are also parents, realize a lot of ways in which they feel they failed their children just because they didn’t know the lessons and these things that they are taught through grief recovery and in my program Do Grief Differently™️. And even personally myself, like learning this information for the first time caused me a lot of grief because I can’t take back the clock. I can’t go back in time and fix how I was responding to the stressors and the grief in my life and that of my children because I simply did not know. I did not know then what I know now.
You Can Make A Change
And so if you’re hearing this information and you’ve taken part in grief recovery or if you haven’t read the book, A Grief Recovery Handbook or you listen to my previous episodes and you think “Oh my gosh, I’ve screwed up my kids or I am screwing up my kids.” I want you to be gentle with yourself and realize “yes you can’t turn back time but you can make a conscious effort and change moving forward.” You can decide to arm yourself with better knowledge, with better information, and a part of that may require you to look at your own bosses. And it helps you to connect the dots of the patterns that you’ve repeated throughout your life so that you don’t repeat those patterns and pass those patterns on to your kids. It’s often why we see so many parents who struggle with substance abuse disorder or alcoholism, who have children that struggle in the same way or in a similar way. And maybe it’s not alcohol, maybe it’s a different vice. But if we can understand and learn more helpful information and how to address our own grief. Our children are better off for it. And so my response to the person that asked me this question was to learn to be open to learning new information. Be open to learning about yourself because that’s how you integrate this new information and apply it to your own life.
And when you start applying this information to your own life, you show up differently in the lives of your kids. And so I just want to encourage anyone out there who has children or is a caretaker of children who is grieving or struggling in grief. As I can tell you, when I was a kid grieving, nobody knew what to do. Nobody had a clue, but there wasn’t anyone that I could talk to. Or anyone that was a safe person because, frankly, they weren’t comfortable talking about their own sad stuff. I mean that’s the point of it is that if we can start getting comfortable with talking about our feelings, Our kids will get comfortable talking about their feelings but you often have to go first as the adult. You do have to go first because if you’re not going to share and you’re not going to be vulnerable with your child, how do you expect them to be vulnerable with you?
P.S. I just want to encourage you to be open to new tools and new knowledge. Seek it out you can go to my website, www.theunleashedheart.com. Check out the book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. And better yet go through my program, Do Grief Differently™️, or a Group Program, specifically for grief that I also offer online and in person and address the stuff on your own doorstep. Because once you clear that life is just that much sweeter.
And you can create connected relationships, not only with your children but with other people in your life as well. I hope you found it helpful. And if you did I hope you share it or leave a review.
