Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Resources |
How To Support a Grieving Friend
Grief can be an incredibly overwhelming and lonely time. So, when someone you care for loses a loved one, they need your care and support more than ever.
There are many ways to show care and support for someone during times of grief. It can be hard to know what to say, and the fear of saying something wrong can sometimes keep you from being there when they need you most. You can help someone who is grieving by being compassionate, open, and willing to help; your presence alone shows your support.
Here are a few things to keep in mind.
Checking In
Make an effort to check in, even if it’s just a quick phone call or an invitation to grab coffee. You may be surprised by how much your check-ins can mean to a grieving friend. It can be a great comfort to even speak about things like headstones, funeral arrangements, and old memories in the early days after a loss. These conversations can spark ideas for how the friend wants to honor their loved one’s life. Obviously, they would rather their loved one be with them in the flesh, but talking these things out loud with a supportive friend can ease the burden of making so many decisions. You may ask, “How would your loved one love to be celebrated?” For some, their loved ones have already expressed what they would like, or may have even made their own arrangements.
Regardless, checking in and being prepared to sit with them is kind to do when you’re unsure what to do.
Listen More And Talk Less
When you are with someone who is grieving, it can be hard to know what to say. You will naturally try to make your friend feel better. However, in a situation such as grief, talking excessively doesn’t help, and it can actually do more harm than good.
Instead, pay attention to how much you talk compared to how much you listen. Your friend will feel more benefit from talking about their feelings. Be there to listen to their thoughts and feelings, showing compassion for what they are feeling.
Deep, active listening is a skill. If you find yourself wandering off and lose track of where the person was in their sharing, be honest about it. Apologize for not being fully present in that moment. It’s not rude to ask them to repeat what they shared, but it is rude to pretend like you’re listening when you’re not. This is why I shared above: if you ask how they’re doing, be prepared to sit with them and genuinely care to know the answer.
Tip: If you are struggling to listen, it can help to focus consciously on each word coming out of their mouth.
Allow Them To Cry
One of the most important areas of the grieving process is showing deep sadness and allowing yourself to cry. Letting your friend cry shows them you understand that crying is a necessary part of the grieving process.
You may feel the urge to cheer your friend up or tell them to stop crying, but remember it is all part of healing. Think of their tears as a healthy part of the grieving process.
Tears from crying for long periods release oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals can help ease both physical and emotional pain. Crying is a good thing!
One of the earliest messages we receive as children is that crying isn’t okay. Children may be called “cry babies” or sent to their room to cry. This idea, that crying is a sign of weakness, is also very prevalent in our society.
When we are born, we know how to grieve. Think about that. Very young children express every emotion unapologetically. However, adults influence this shift, making crying and not being okay seem wrong. Or even showing anger as not being okay. Anger is a valid emotion, too.
Tip: One of the many things I learned in my training in grief recovery is never to hand someone who is crying a tissue unless they ask, of course. If someone is releasing emotions through crying, handing them a tissue at that moment will stop them in their tracks. It’s a gesture as if to say: “stop crying.”
Ask Questions If You Need To
People often hesitate to ask questions of a grieving friend. They worry about upsetting them or saying the wrong thing. You shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions if you need to. It helps your friend talk openly about their loved one.
You aren’t limited to asking about the past, though; you should also ask about their well-being. Check in on their self-care, sleep, and whether they are eating well. Explore how they’re feeling emotionally, and listen with care and compassion. You’re not there to fix anything. You can’t take away their pain. However, your presence can make a massive difference.
Tip: Grievers often don’t know what they need. They’re overwhelmed with emotion. What they need can change from day to day, too. So, you could ask: “What would help make today a better day than yesterday?”
Offer Practical Help
Sometimes grief can make you neglect your basic needs. Practical help can be more useful than anything else when it comes to grief. Some of the tasks you could help with include:
Cleaning their house
Cooking meals and batch cooking
Running general errands
Helping with childcare
Managing or coordinating bills
Helping with laundry
Walking the dogs
Food shopping
Yard work (mowing/watering, tending to the vegetable or flower garden)
Be Ready To Sit In Silence
Grief brings in a variety of powerful emotions, and sometimes all a grieving person needs to sit in silence to regain a semblance of peace. Sitting in silence can be challenging, especially when you know your friend is struggling emotionally. Resist the urge to fill the silence. Instead, allow it and embrace it. Your presence is enough support. By being there for your friend, you show them your support and love, even if you sit in silence and don’t say a word. If they are at home, they may feel supported enough to rest. Your presence alone may be more therapeutic than you know.
Tip: Sitting in silence with someone isn’t the most natural thing to do. And it may even feel awkward. But you could ask your friend: “Hey, how would you feel if I came over, made us some tea, and we just sat on the porch and listened to the birds?” Or, depending on the time of year, maybe watch a funny movie.
Make Sure You Remember Important Dates
Anniversaries, birthdays, and others can all be a painful reminder of your friend’s loss every year. If you can, remember all the important dates, including the date of their loss. They may need help and extra support when grief symptoms kick in. Reach out to your friend and let them know you’re thinking of them.
After a loss, people usually mean well when it comes to staying in touch. Busy lives can keep them from following through. Staying in touch can really help. Above all else, remember you can’t fix their pain but can help to ease it and allow them to work through grief.
Tip: Set a yearly reminder on your phone for special days so you can reach out with a card, a phone call, or a special text. You can take it one step further and ask if something special they had in mind of doing on that special day – or would like to do.
Is there anything else that could help? Please share them in the comments below.
P.S. If you’ve never listened to my podcast, Grieving Voices, every guest shares their experience and wisdom around grief. Every guest offers wonderful insight into how to support others who are grieving.
A go-to resource is available to help you help others.
Click the image below to check it out.
Educational, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
Photo by Spencer Selover from Pexels
Mental Health Awareness Month
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and today, I’d like to share some insights on three areas of importance when it comes to mental health. Although there are many other factors and things to consider as this is an extensive topic, I am choosing the following areas to share areas of focus today.
You cannot focus on your physical health and make sustainable changes without considering your mental health. The way you take care of your mind and spirit will have lasting effects on your physical body. Only when you view your wellness as a whole will you be able to feel your best.
Support System
It is so important to compile a strong support system to help you through difficult times. It is not healthy to have your entire support system be wrapped up in one person, so cultivating a wider circle of people who can offer differentiated support is important.
A good place to start is friends and family members. Maintaining healthy relationships with those closest to you will help you feel grounded and give you an outlet when you need to talk about problems. Having people to talk to about your feelings will help you work through them and help release pent-up emotions that can fester if left on their own. It is also a good way to gain some perspective about your problems and maybe think of new solutions. They can also offer emotional support as you work through issues and make steps moving forward.
Talking to a professional is also a good idea. Whether you have past trauma and need PTSD Treatment or need an unbiased person to talk to about your life, a therapist or counselor can help you work through many issues. They can guide you on healthy coping mechanisms, setting healthy boundaries, and tools to help you move forward.
All that being said, there is a caveat to creating a strong support system. Sometimes, the people who are emotionally available to support you best are not your family or friends. Often, the best people to support you have no skin in the game; that is your life. It can be difficult for them to be objective and not have their feelings involved, too. They are invested in your life because they’re in your life. That’s where it can be refreshing and even more helpful to have an ally in your well-being who is unbiased and who won’t judge, analyze, or criticize your decisions or your current experience. This is what you receive when you choose to work with a grief recovery specialist who has been trained by The Grief Recovery Institute, the foremost authority on grief. Also, it’s worth noting that it pays to consider how much personal, inner work the individual you’re running toward for support has gone through themselves. I firmly believe that we can sit with others in their pain, only to the depths we’ve worked on healing our own. And this is why, I believe, so many relationships fall away for grievers after a life-altering event. Your pain and grief will bring up emotions that uncomfortable for others to face themselves. And for some, it’s too painful, so rather than addressing it when being faced with it, it’s easier to distance themselves from the source of the one “poking the bear,” so to speak.
Self-Care
You also need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Traditionally, when people think about self-care, they imagine facials and bubble baths. That can be an important part of your self-care routine. Making the time to relax and pamper yourself can prove to be an effective use of time if it is what your mental health needs.
Self-care also means taking care of yourself, even when it is hard. It means changing bad habits to live a healthier life. It means setting necessary boundaries to form good relationships. It means doing the tasks that you have been putting off.
Self-care became a buzzword in 2020 with Covid-19, in particular, rightfully so. I feel like boundaries are particularly vital for all of us to practice self-care that goes beyond any expenditures and has a far more lasting impact on our lives.
There are many books on creating boundaries. If you’re an empath, like me, this is a great book talking about energetic boundaries. And, if you’re looking to create boundaries in a variety of relationships, perhaps this book is just the thing you need to read asap. I read both, and they’re amazing in their own way. There are some Christian undertones in the latter mention; however, I don’t think it’s overly done or written intrusively. Just thought it was worth mentioning.
Say “Yes” To Yourself
It is also important that you take care of your mental health by engaging in things that interest you. This can be hobbies that you have done and lost touch with, things you want to learn but haven’t, or simply going to places and being involved in interesting things.
Permitting yourself to say “yes” to yourself can be powerful. It helps you acknowledge that what you want and need is valid, and that can translate into other areas of your life as well.
When you want to do something but then automatically start to push it out of your mind, stop for a minute. Ask yourself why you are pushing that away and why you can’t do it. If you cannot come up with a good reason, or the reasons you have are just excuses, start permitting yourself to put yourself first.
One of the most common barriers to receiving mental health support is cost. I have encountered this in my own business with potential clients who, at the end of the day, don’t believe they are worth investing in themselves. And that was me, too. What I learned, though, is that although growth through pain is inevitable, which will be extended as long as you resist it. However, you can greatly shorten the time it takes to get to your own end-game (i.e., mental wellness) only by seeking the right support, whatever that may be for you. It wasn’t until I invested in myself and continued to do so, where my life began to blossom. As a result, I have experienced so much fulfillment that could have, very easily, taken me another decade to attain had I not decided I was worth it.
You are the captain of your ship, the master of your heart, and the buck stops with you. What is stopping you from taking your mental health seriously? Access? Cost? Attitude? Belief system? What is it? And, what are you waiting for to help yourself?
Be the hero of your story.
P.S. I’ve recently added a perk to working with me through Grief Recovery, and that is by adding YouMap®, which addresses your personal strengths, skills, values, and how you’re wired, at no additional cost. It’s important to see how these areas factor into grief so that once we sweep out some grief cobwebs and you’ve received a whole lot more insight and healing, it’s important to devise a plan for what’s next. It’s important that I help support my clients beyond grief because there is more to us than our grief. And, I know firsthand how grief creates a great divide between who we were before grief and who we have the potential to become. Click HERE to learn more!
Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast |
Taking 1% Responsibility
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Taking ownership, and responsibility, for our feelings and reactions in life, is often challenging. It requires us to do some self-evaluation. By the time we reach adulthood, however, we’ve likely had many grief experiences, which contributes to a victim mindset so many grievers have but don’t acknowledge. And, acknowledgment is difficult, too, because you can’t “un-know” something.
Once you know you’re fulfilling the role of being a victim in your life and other people are responsible for your happiness, well, it is then up to you to do something about it. There is a gap, however, that exists in-between.
Today, I discuss the importance of taking even just 1% responsibility. I provide real-life examples of how not taking personal responsibility for our feelings looks like in everyday life, and hopefully, by the end of the episode, I’ve sparked some self-reflection.
It can feel disheartening to know that no matter what you do or say, you’re not going to change others’ behavior towards you, but if you can take 1% responsibility, no matter what anyone would ever do to you will never matter. You are the captain of your ship (and your heart) – no one else.
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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Today we are going to talk about taking 1% responsibility this one actually, is one of my favorites because it was the hardest for me to learn. But it’s one of the most important that I wish to share. And I’m sprinkling in some personal stories. But I want to get started with this as being one of the hurdles of grief. Because we have this incorrect belief that other people or events are responsible for our feelings, we might say things like so and so made me so angry, or so and so ruined my day. I think all of us could say this about COVID right now, couldn’t we? Actually just told someone today that they had asked if I had taken a vacation or went away on vacation and I said: “Nope, COVID ruined those plans,” which COVID did. But the only thing I have control over and the only thing you have control over when it comes to COVID is our reaction to it. And I’m pretty sure we all agree that there are a lot of people not handling it very well. And as a result, treating other people quite poorly, actually which is incredibly unfortunate. But this brings my whole point in this episode of why this is so important for us to understand as it applies to grief. Because as the whole world replies and responds and reacts to this pandemic, we’re all responding differently.
Many of us, myself included, have a really difficult time taking ownership and how we react and how we feel about it, right? Another comment that people might say is, if so and so hadn’t done such and such to me, I would be okay. Like you did this. Now I feel this way. These are very common responses. And when it comes to grief, this is what keeps us stuck. When we don’t take responsibility for our feelings and our actions we suffer. And this influenced learning, you guessed it begins in childhood. As I’ve talked about before and several of the previous episodes, what we learn in childhood about grief is what we resort to when we are adults. So as children, If dad or mom said to you, you make me so happy, or you make me proud or don’t make your father mad. I heard that one many times. So what we learn in growing up as children and hearing these things, is that the actions that we take cause the feelings of others. And if I can make them feel something, then they can make me feel something. And I bet you’re just like, oh yeah, you’re listening to this and you’re like that’s so true, because it is, it is so true. And this keeps us stuck in this victim mentality.
Victim Mentality
I have a whole chapter about victim mentality in my self-published book, the guided heart moving through grief and finding spiritual solace, which I published in 2017. And it’s on Amazon if you’re interested. But I have a whole chapter devoted to this because it was truly a huge struggle for me. And at times, I find it can be still, Eleanor Roosevelt has said: “No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission,” and I wholeheartedly agree. But growing up in hearing these messages and growing up and not understanding, as an eight-year-old child, when I lost my father, how to process those feelings and then really had been a difficult child, in a way, because I cried a lot. Actually, my family got together recently and my brother said to me, “You cried a lot.” And, I did. I think I was truly a very sad child. And I would go to hide to cry. Because it was shameful; I felt ashamed for crying, for having the feelings I had. And that’s why I wanted to hide them. I didn’t feel safe expressing those feelings. We give all of our personal power away when we allow others or events to be 100% responsible for our feelings. And in doing this, we also make them responsible, are those events responsible for ending those feelings as well, for making us feel better, or for making the situation right in our own minds, right? Like, we look to that person, then, to fix it. Like, “you screwed up, you made me feel this way. And now you need to fix it.”
Grief Keep Us Stuck
And in loss, we may reflect back on all of the things through our childhood, or young adulthood, depending on the loss that occurred. And think back at all of that, what we feel are offenses that were done towards us to make us feel a certain way. And we will continue to look at that person that they need to fix this. They need to own what they did. What happens if they never do? What do you do, then, if you are hanging your happiness hat on what someone else does or the way someone else responds to your pain that you feel they inflicted, that’s a lot of power you’re giving away, folks, when you realize that that’s never gonna happen. You either then accept it and move on and process those feelings. But if you are not able to do that, you’re stuck in emotional jail. And this is why grief can keep us stuck.
Let me give you an example to illustrate this point a little bit further. So let’s say someone is sitting at a red light. And I’ve done this I’m sure you have to where you kind of daydreaming and not really paying attention to the light. Well, then it changes. And that person behind you just blares their horn and you get startled and what do you do right away? What is your knee-jerk reaction? Are you going to roll down your window and say hey thanks, thanks for letting me know the light changed, I was just daydreaming, or you likely going to give them the bird in the rearview or curse under your breath? It’s more likely the latter. We are the architects of our own discomfort. And we fail to recognize that we are responsible for the feelings that result from our attitudes and actions. Let me ask you another question. What ruins the picnic, the rain, or our reaction to the rain? You cannot do anything about the rain. However, what you do have control over is your reaction to it. The same is true for almost all losses. For example, losing my father – what was causing my grief? Was it the loss or my reaction to the loss over the course of the next 30 years? Well, it was both. And although I couldn’t undo what had happened, I could do something about my reaction to it. And I’ll tell you what, it took me 30 years, more than 30 years, to do something about it. And for a lot of years prior to that most of those years actually. I felt like a victim. I felt like a victim of that loss. I felt like a victim to the circumstances that I was then after that loss, I felt stuck. I was absolutely stuck in my grave.
But what we can do is we can acquire skills to help us complete our relationship to the pain and the heartache caused by what happened. You see, over time, we develop all of this influenced learning. We develop an automatic critical response toward others or circumstances that we hold responsible for our feelings. So rather than examining ourselves, which I was not doing to be honest, until grief recovery. I take that back, about 2014 when I started to really dive into personal development that’s when I really started to do some self-examination. But prior to that, I had that critical response where I was examining the thoughts and behaviors, and actions of others who I held responsible for my happiness.
When it comes to the past, we can only control our current reaction. Otherwise, we will forever feel like a victim. We sustain and recreate the pain of the past through our own memories as well. People may say, “let it go move on, you can’t change the past.” However, they are likely holding on to the same belief system about personal responsibility that you care about something in their life, nothing changes until you take responsibility for your recovery. And so the idea is to take 1% responsibility, which can open your head and your heart to a new way of thinking and challenge those old worn-out belief systems and patterns of behavior that are keeping you stuck in your grief.
The Power of Choice
So the next time you find yourself in traffic, and you feel yourself just boiling up with emotional anger, consider that you have the power of choice at that moment, or at any other time that there is a stimulus. And you have a thought, which then leads to a feeling and then to a reaction or an action that you’ll take. Think of that loop? The stimulus, thought, feeling, action loop, and think about this podcast episode. How do you get off that loop? How do you get off the hamster wheel of being and feeling like a victim to the circumstances and to the other people in your life who make you feel a certain way, where you believe, make you feel a certain way.
My husband has a favorite phrase that he uses and says to our kids, he’ll say: “There is no such thing as try; you either do or you don’t.”And I would like to say that we can also apply this to grief that we either take 1% responsibility or we don’t. But we very much can try, right? It’s recognizing when we’re on that loop of stimulus, thought, feeling, action, loop, that is not serving us that is keeping us stuck in these old thoughts and patterns and behaviors. That keeps us stuck in certain relationships. Think about this episode. As you move about your day, the circumstances that come across your path, the people that perhaps influence your feelings throughout the day. And know that if you’re allowing that to dictate your feelings, even the rest of the day, we can have something happened to us at eight in the morning and it can do rail us the entire day. I experienced this. I know what it’s like. I know, I get it. It’s life in general. It’s not easy. I totally get it. But to have the awareness when we are stuck in that pattern. That’s when we can change how we respond and react.
P.S. Catch all episodes of Grieving Voices HERE or on your preferred platform HERE. Check me out on Instagram @theunleashedheart. If you liked this episode, please share it because, sharing is caring 💛 Much love, my friend.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Pespective |
Academy Award Recovery
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
We all, as grievers (or otherwise, for that matter) tend to reply with the expression “I’m fine,” when asked how we’re doing. After experiencing loss, we do this because it is often just easier than leaving the conversation of how we typically feel – misunderstood and unsupported.
In this episode, learn why “I’m fine” is damaging to ourselves, but also equally damaging as a message we’re sending to children and to society.
If we could tell the emotional truth about ourselves, we can then begin to talk about grief like we talk about the weather.
I also touch on behaviors we resort to in grief when we either “explode” or “implode.” Next week, I dive deeper into these behaviors.
Are you wanting more content like this? Head on over to Instagram or Facebook where I share more info just like this, and say hello!
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
What are Enshrinement and Bedevilment?
We also see often enshrinement and enshrinement in its most damaging form can include obsessively building these memorials to the person who died. An example would be if a mother lost a child and did not change a single item in their child’s room. Let’s say even five years that the child has been deceased. Often with enshrinement, we can also hear comments like you must not speak ill of the dead. And people tend to have a difficult time looking accurately at all aspects of the relationship. Now we don’t suggest that you run around bad-mouthing anybody living or dead but the suggestion is that it’s impossible to complete the pain caused by death, divorce, or any other significant emotional loss without looking at everything about the relationship, not just the positive. The opposite of enshrinement is bedevilment. The griever has a litany of complaints derailing, a lifetime of mistreatment. They’re unwilling to let go of disappointments and anger with the devilment, the griever clings to the negatives just as the in Shriner clings to the positives, but neither views the entire relationship. The thing to keep in mind is that all relationships include both positive and negative interactions. We know that you can complete grief only by being totally honest with yourself and others.
Academy Award Recovery | Seeking Approval of Others
Academy Award Recovery behavior also keeps us seeking the approval of others. We all like praise and compliments. We all like approval, and we all want to be seen as smart, strong, and mature. We all want to feel as if we are a part of a group. This need is learned during early childhood and often reinforced to the point of obsession. Earlier it was mentioned, the large percentage of comments made to grieving people following a loss is not helpful. Grievers are advised to take actions that merely distract or convert feelings into intellectual ideas. Since approval is such a powerful aspect of our social skills, we try to conform to the ideas suggested to us following a loss. If we use the example of a miscarriage or the loss of a young child, people might say, well, you should be grateful that you can have other children or it was just not meant to be. Or how about this one, you’re strong enough to handle it? Well, intellectually all these statements might be true, they still don’t help deal with feelings. This becomes a double-edged sword because although we want the approval of those around us, we may still not feel supported by our family or friends. In an attempt to feel better, we opt for Academy Award Recovery. After pretending for so long that we’re fine, we start to believe in ourselves. If I asked you, if you like to be lied to, the answer would likely be “no”. However, if I asked you if you’ve lied about your feelings following a loss, the answer would probably be “yes”. It is very sad to realize that we have been taught to lie about our feelings for fear of being judged or criticized. The danger of I’m fine is that it does not help the broken heart. Saying I’m fine just distracts us and others, while the pain and loneliness persist on the inside. The net effect is to create a scab over an infection, leaving a mess underneath. Is it any surprise then that all of this pretending and I’m finding to everyone else around that it’s just exhausting to the point where you have no energy left? Sometimes all a griever can do is get out of bed and go through the motions of a day, a week, a month, and eventually was my case 30 years of living life on autopilot.
Unresolved Grief
Unresolved grief consumes tremendous amounts of energy. Most commonly the grief stays buried under the surface and only the symptoms are treated. Many people including mental health professionals misunderstand the fact that unresolved loss is cumulative and it’s cumulatively negative. Human energy is used most efficiently when our minds and our bodies are in harmony. Unresolved grief tends to separate us from ourselves. As an example, how many times have you been driving down the road and suddenly realize that for the last three blocks, you were anywhere but driving the car, perhaps you were in your head having a conversation with someone who was not in the car? And quite often those Phantom conversations are with someone who has died. More likely than not these conversations represent an aspect of unfinished emotional business between you and someone else living or dead. Holding on to incomplete emotions consumes enormous amounts of energy. All of this pretending also leads to a loss of liveliness and spontaneity that is almost impossible to overcome. Many people fall into a trap of quiet desperation sometimes feeling good, sometimes feeling bad, but never being able to return to a state of full happiness and joy. We pay a high price for the incorrect information we have about dealing with loss. Each time a loss is not properly concluded, there is a cumulative restriction on our likeness. Life becomes something to endure. The world seems like a hostile place in which to live.
Because of Misinformation
Because of misinformation, we never had a fair chance to deal effectively with the loss events in our lives. Maybe like me, you’ve tried many things to improve your sense of happiness and well-being. And yet maybe despite all of those attempts, you still feel this emotional dis-ease within you like I had felt for so long. What do you think happens after all of this time of pretending and saying I’m fine and denying how we truly feel feeling unsafe to share how we really feel? Since we have been socialized from early on to deal with sad, painful, and negative emotions incorrectly, we end up storing that energy inside ourselves. A little story to illustrate this is let’s say a child comes home from preschool with her feelings hurt from another child on the playground. The caretaker says what happened? and the child responds tearfully that one of the kids was mean to her. And the caretaker says, Don’t cry here have a cookie you’ll feel better. Thus, setting the child up with a lifetime belief from an important authority source that feelings can be fixed with food. Upon eating the cookie, the child feels different, not better, for the moment is distracted and forgets about the incident on the playground. However, there has been no completion of the emotional pain caused by the event. The emotional pain and the feelings attached to it are now buried under the cookie, the sugar, and the distraction. If the child were to bring it up sometime later, she would probably be told, we don’t cry over spilled milk. As if to say that it is not okay to continue having feelings about the incident, so it must stay buried. Early on, we learn to cover up hide, or bury our feelings under food. It is not surprising that sometime later, we adapt that same behavior and cover-up our feelings under alcohol or other drugs. We may have learned to do so by observing family members at funerals or wakes, consuming large amounts of food and alcohol. Consuming food or alcohol in response to the emotional energy created by death or divorce does not help us discover the source of the energy or complete the relationship affected by our loss. Therefore, we are participating in an illusion that the short-term relief offered by food or alcohol gives us long-term relief from the pain caused by the loss. Food and alcohol are obvious and typical short-term energy-relieving behaviors.
There are many other short-term behaviors that have the same life-limiting and damaging consequences. In grief recovery, we call these stir herbs. And I’ll be talking more about these in the next episode. I hope with the education in this episode about Academy Award Recovery, you can now see that saying I’m a fine which really means feelings inside not expressed is not only damaging to yourself but also sends a message if you’re a parent to your children that pretending and not being honest and truthful about how you feel is acceptable and expected. I hope from now on in your relationships with your children with others that you feel you can share the emotional truth and be an example of doing so in your relationships.
P.S. Catch all episodes of Grieving Voices HERE or on your preferred platform HERE. For this Episode 5, you can listen HERE. Did you find this episode helpful and informative? Rate, Review, or Share it with a griever you know and love because sharing is caring 💛
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Personal, Resources |
The 6 Myths of Grief
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Through influenced/generational learning, we are taught unhelpful ways in which to address and help ourselves (and others) through grief.
This episode highlights the six myths (and misinformation) of grief that have a direct impact on our ability to cope with what is emotionally incomplete. These myths contribute to why we have a difficult time moving beyond the emotional dis-ease that grief brings to our lives.
Tune in next week; I’ll be talking more in-depth about “Academy Award Recovery,” as mentioned in this week’s episode.
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We learned by many different methods and one of these is called influence learning. But I’d like to also call it generational learning because our parents tend to fall back on what they were taught and their parents and the parents before. And I can attest to that as well as I am a parent of three kids. And before grief recovery and before actually diving into my own grief, I did a lot of these things and said a lot of these things that I’m going to share with you today. And so when as you’re listening, there might be a knee-jerk reaction to feel bad to feel like you’ve been failing as a parent. I know when I was learning this myself and was going through certification and had to kind of dig into the error of my ways, I guess. I felt a lot of guilt, actually. And I will talk about the guilt word. But that’s for another conversation. But I did feel really bad about having the awareness as to how I was responding to my children’s emotional needs. I had never really dug into my own and had not addressed my own. Although I had tried for many years, even seeking therapy. At one point, I just had not really dealt with head-on what was emotionally and complete. And so when it came to my children’s needs emotional needs, that is. I responded much like I was taught and much as I will dive into today. So let’s get started.
Myth 1 | Don’t Feel Bad
The first myth of grief is don’t feel bad. Often this message is shared by Don’t cry because we are born into a family. And we are born into having the ability to learn by sight, hearing, and all of these things, the senses. And so we watch and we learn from watching and emulating what our parents do by 18 to 24 months when we start to gain verbal skills. And from that point forward. We also learn by what is said. Hearing the message don’t cry is basically meaning don’t feel bad. As a young child, I often was told if you wanna cry, go to your room. And I did I would go under my bed to cry. I often would hide in the linen closet to cry. At one time even a search party was sent out there was I mean like a search party but you know family had to go look for me because they couldn’t find me. And I do believe that time I was in the kitchen cupboard. And so I would hide to go cry because I didn’t feel safe obviously, sharing my emotion. And because I am who I am I you know about Pisces I’m An INFP on Myers Briggs. I’m also a highly sensitive person, I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. So you really do not usually have to guess how I’m feeling. I was really taught though early on to hide how I was feeling. Because expressing my sadness, or anger or anything like that was, was kind of unacceptable or it really wasn’t embraced. I do feel like because my mom had not addressed a lot of her own grief in her life and didn’t know how to respond to mine and often would respond in anger. And so when my children were young, I often did the same, I would respond and had a hair-trigger for anger. Grief recovery has caused a lot of reflection in my life, if I would have had this information that I have today, back then. I do feel like I would have been a very different parent. And that’s why I’m also very passionate about this work.
Myth 2 | Replace the Loss
But coming back to the myth of don’t feel bad, we then morph into another myth of replacing the loss. Because if we expand on that, let’s say, as a child when my father passed away, he was 44 and I was eight, I was the youngest. And my next sibling is he was 14 at the time. And so my mom really rather quickly replaced the loss of my father. And that message, obviously really has stuck with me because that’s what I was seeing. That’s what I was learning. And growing up, we lose someone, replace them, right? replace the loss. And a simple message like this is passed on, even just by a child losing a pet, don’t feel bad Victoria, we can get another dog tomorrow, right? Or friend moves away? Well, don’t be sad there’s plenty of other friends you can make and you can try to find other friends. It’s these, they’re unintentionally hurtful. But they are damaging, these messages are damaging. And this is what influence learning is, it’s this generational learning that is passed down to us. And so if we expand this on into teenagers fall in love for the first time, and end up breaking up or let’s say my son had a girlfriend, and he got ditched. And I would say, don’t feel bad, there is plenty of fish in the sea. How often do we say things like that, right? So we have one math Don’t feel bad, then we add on to it with replacing the loss. And, if you’re going to cry, go to your room. That’s okay. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Myth 3 | Grieve Alone
This expands to the next math, laugh and the whole world laughs with you. And I bet you can finish that sentence, right? Cry and you cry alone. And it’s heartbreaking to realize that when you’re sad and might really benefit from some emotional understanding that you were taught to be by yourself. And so this leads into the next myth of grief. And that is to grieve alone. We can remember all of these instances in our childhood. And I’m sure as you’re listening, you’re thinking of some things yourself, it would be sad enough if it ended with feeling dismissed and misunderstood as a child as I did. Unfortunately, though this kind of misinformation becomes the foundation of lifelong habits. Many of which directly interfere with our ability to be happy. It’s tragic, right? It is absolutely tragic. If I need to grieve alone, then you do too. We grow up feeling like these are the correct ways to respond, to grieve, to isolate, to grieve alone, to not feel bad. And if I’m growing up believing that this is how you deal with grief, right? then you should too. This is how you do it too. And so we pass this on and this is how we respond to society as well.
The day my dad died, I was in school, and my sister is the one that came to get me. And I just remember it was like this out, it’s like an out-of-body experience. I can see myself holding your hand and we’re walking down the hall. It’s like, a kid you not. It’s like this out-of-body experience, I can see it today. And I’m looking at the back of us. And she says to me, “Dad died.” And at that moment, I don’t know what I was thinking at that time. But the impact of that statement changed my entire life. I was not given the opportunity to share what I was feeling, to share what I was experiencing. I saw my father lying in his casket and there was no discussion, no conversation with me about what this meant. There was no support for me. The teachers didn’t even know how to respond, the school didn’t know how to respond. Obviously, my friends, my peers, my classmates, the same age as me, didn’t know how to respond. I just remember that being like a very lonely time for me. That I do remember, the one statement that sticks out in my brain is that at my dad’s funeral. I remember someone saying and talking about me, she doesn’t know what’s going on. Anyway, I looked at my children at the age of eight. And I thought about that scenario of where I was growing up, when I was eight, in that what was going on in my life at that time. And there is no doubt in my mind that if my children’s father had passed away when they were eight, that they would not have understood or known what was happening or going on, children understand far more than we give them credit for. I mean, if you can take a three-year-old and give them an iPad that they have never seen or touched, and they can figure it out, you can bet your bottom dollar that they understand the emotional connection. And when that’s lost.
Myth 4 | It Just Takes Time
So up to this point, we’ve talked about not feeling bad, replacing the loss, and grieving alone. And next, we’re going to talk about the next myth is just give it time. Because why? Time heals all wounds. Or does it? I’m here to tell you, it absolutely does nothing that passes the two messages that replacing a loss and just give it time do not go together. Because if replacing the loss would have fixed my mother, she wouldn’t have to wait for time to heal her. And on the other hand, if time were to heal her, then maybe she wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to replace the loss. The concept that time heals is probably responsible for more heartache than any other single wrong idea our society has about dealing with grief. Because the terrible part is that it isn’t true. It’s one of those falsehoods that’s been passed down from generation to generation. And the mistaken idea that after enough time passes, something will magically change to make us whole again, is really preposterous. If we were dealing with any other human pain, no one would say just give it time. If you came across a person with a broken arm, you wouldn’t say just give it time. Just as broken bones should be properly set to heal and ultimately function again, so must the emotional heart. And I can tell you after 30 plus years of grieving the loss of my father, the time has done nothing for me but it is the action I’ve taken within that time that has mattered. So time heals is absolutely false. And we need to quit buying into it as a society. If you discovered that your car had a flat tire, would you pull up a chair next to the car and sit and wait for the air to somehow get back into the tire? No, it’s silly. Why would you do that? So time itself does not heal. It is what you do within time that will help you complete the pain caused by loss and I’m a testament to this. So far, we’ve covered four of the six myths. Don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, and just give it time.
Myth 5 | Be Strong (For Yourself & Others)
Next, we’ll talk about being strong for others. There are no specific instructions on how to do that. It’s one of those expressions that sounds good but has no real value. And it has to be one of the most confusing ideas relating to the loss. And it’s confusing because it is undoable. Truly, if you think about it, be strong for others. What does that even look like? You can be strong or you can be human. And you know what, we’re all human. So I’m not even sure what being strong means. And when I think about being strong for others, or for yourself. It’s like a passage that we put on the show of I got this, this is gonna get me down. When really inside, we’re probably crumbling a little. We don’t have that support. And we know we don’t have that support we need because of these myths I’m talking about that society has taught us that our parents and their parents have taught. We apply these myths that don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, just give it time, because of how society responds to us. And because of what we’ve learned, we attempt to be strong, we attempt to have broad shoulders and a strong back, because we don’t have the support to do anything but that right?
Myth 6 | Keep Busy
Another myth that is common that most people believe to be true and helpful yet it is neither is to keep busy, that you must stay active or keep busy are two clichés that we all have heard following any kind of significant loss. And here’s one important question, Does keeping busy discover and complete the pain caused by loss? The obvious answer is no. Well, then what does keeping busy accomplish if anything, it distracts you. And it makes one more day go by keeping busy buries the pain of the loss under an avalanche of activity. Every griever can attest to doing something to distract themselves from what they are feeling. And this is absolutely exhausting. And there are other dangers to and keeping busy. I have defined grief as the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. So a death, a divorce, or any other major loss produces massive changes in all things that are familiar. And it is very difficult to adapt to life after loss. If you were never a busy person before a loss, keeping busy would add yet another major change to what was familiar. The most dangerous flaw of keeping busy is the idea that it will make you feel better. Busyness is just a distraction. It does not alter the fact that you have to take direct actions to complete the pain caused by the loss. So we have discussed six pieces of information, miss information about dealing with loss. Don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, just give it time, be strong for others, and keeping busy.
None of these ideas lead us to the actions of discovering and completing the unfinished emotions that accrue in all relationships. And I can tell you, I identify with every single one. And I would bet if you’re listening to this, and you’re thinking about your losses, you resonate with this too. Earlier I talked about you know the grave and alone myth and how it teaches us to isolate ourselves. Since isolation is one of the problems confronting grievers in our society then participation is clearly part of the solution. So I encourage you to participate in your own recovery and suggest that you start right now. Using the list of the six incorrect ideas as a guide. See if you can think of any other ideas that you were taught or that influenced your beliefs about dealing with sad, painful, or negative feelings. All of these myths I’ve shared with you today cause us to have an indifference about our own losses. And lead to us pretending to put on an Academy Award recovery front to pretend that we’re happier than we are, to put on a brave smile, to really almost avoid even talking about our loss. Because other people have been taught these very same things and reflect on us based on their perspective and their lens of their loss. How we should be responding. Either we’re grieving too long, or not long enough, or talking about it too much or not enough. Right?
We can never satisfy society and how we express our grief. But when it comes down to it, we are all a little uncomfortable around other people’s losses, because we are incredibly uncomfortable facing our own. From my heart to yours, thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you’re hurting know that what you’re feeling is normal and natural.
P.S. Catch all episodes of Grieving Voices HERE or on your preferred platform HERE. Did you find this episode helpful? Rate, Review, or Share it with a griever you know and love! 💛
Death/Dying, Educational |
Image by jplenio via Pixabay
Ways To Overcome Your Fear of Death
Death is an unavoidable part of life, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Fear of death, or thanatophobia, is something that afflicts millions of people worldwide. If you are experiencing it, it can be difficult to live with. Perhaps you are fearful of your own mortality, or maybe you are worried about the death of your loved ones. Either way, your fear can impact your own life in many negative ways. It could lead to intense feelings of anxiety, stress, or in some cases, depression.
But death comes to everyone, and you can’t let your fears overwhelm your life. Otherwise, you will spend your years fretting and panicking without making the most of your time in the present. Learning to accept death and see it as a positive part of life is the best way to overcome your phobia. You will not live in fear of mortality but rather come to live with it as a natural conclusion to a life well-lived. Just as grief seems to be a topic most people would rather avoid, so is death. And, I find it curious that these two things, so deeply intertwined, are practically taboo topics. And yet, they’re the most normal and natural part of the human experience. It is in talking about these things when we start to normalize them. And, it’s in talking about these things, where we start to look at our lives with renewed perspective and start to live into our desires in the present. So, to help you on the path to acceptance, here are four ways to overcome your fear of death.
Understand Your Fear
Are you constantly worrying that your elderly relatives don’t have much time left? Do funerals fill you with a sense of dread? What is it about the idea of death that makes you feel afraid? Articulating your fears by writing them down in a journal or speaking them aloud will help them seem less scary. Letting your emotions and feelings out will prevent them from bottling up inside, and you may feel immediate relief. Identify the times when you feel the most afraid and see a common link between them. Perhaps there are certain triggers sparking anxiety that you can eradicate from your life.
Let Go of What You Can’t Control
A time may come when scientists devise a way of achieving immortality. However, for the time being, the death of the physical body is unavoidable. Yes, you can be careful and live a healthy life, but you will sooner or later have to accept that your life is limited. Worrying doesn’t change the simple fact of mortality; it just impedes your enjoyment of your life. Although you can’t harness death, you can take charge of your life and make the most of it. Try to challenge your negative thought cycle and occupy your mind with more wholesome hobbies and activities.
Consider That Consciousness Continues
The thought that there is life after death, in terms of our consciousness or spirit, definitely causes some eyebrows to go up and probably even some eye rolls. However, where science and death meet, there is a whole lot of grey. There is much that is still unknown and to be discovered. It’s not simply black and white, as I felt in my heart as a young child. Truth be told, after the passing of my father as a child, I saw him in the casket and be put in the ground. To me, he was dead, no longer in my life. I had zero context or information to believe differently as a child where death was neither talked about nor were feelings given the space for expression. So, who else to blame but God, as a child, right? A loving God doesn’t take daddy’s away from their innocent children.
The experiences and conversations (or lack thereof) about death in childhood are probably among the most significant, if not the most significant, indicators of how we view death as adults. Unless we challenge the beliefs we are either born into or the stories our minds concoct to believe as truth as a way to protect ourselves, we may keep ourselves from developing a spiritual connection that is greater than ourselves.
I believe we are all one and, we are all connected. We all are made up of energy and there is not one vibrational energy that doesn’t impact or interact with another. On a soul level, this energy, or spirit, where does that go when our physical bodies die? That is the study of after-life science. I find it fascinating. At the same time, I fully embrace the mystery of it all.
I guess one never knows until our time comes, right? But, what a comfort this belief can be to those left behind? To feel a sense of presence that is a comfort of being supported and guided. Reiki has definitely opened me up to this deeper connection we all have to one another, both on the physical plane and beyond. Reiki is neither a religion nor a belief system. Reiki is simply pure love and light energy channeled in a very specific way. As a reiki practitioner, I am the conduit of this energy. I have felt the reiki energy get stronger the longer I’ve been practicing as well. It’s been quite amazing! But, I can’t ignore the fact that the gift of Reiki is from a higher power. And, I can’t ignore the fact that I have had personal experiences of energy work and in meditations that have been transformative. And, I can’t ignore that things come up in reiki sessions that I should not know.
As a once upon a time skeptic, I am convinced there is more to life than just our physical bodies. And, there is something greater to look forward to.
Live Life To The Fullest
Rather than spending your time preoccupied with mortality, aim to fill your days with as much joy as possible. Spend time with friends and family, travel the world (when we can again without concern), get outside in nature, and make wonderful memories that will stay with you for the rest of your life. The last thing you want when you’re on your deathbed is to regret not having enjoyed yourself. Make an effort to eat well and move your body to extend your life as long as possible, and tend to your emotional body, too. If we don’t address our emotional state, our bodies are left to do the job of being the processing plant of our emotions. This is where we see so much unexplained illness and physical manifestations. If you have unexplained symptoms, there’s a very good chance your energy body is suffering. This is where Reiki or Grief Recovery work would be helpful; to help clear away the emotional weight being carried within the body. When we feel lighter inside, we feel lighter (not to mention look lighter – more pep in our step) on the outside, too.
Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. – Norman Cousins
I have been reminded to live for today through podcast interviews with a hospice doctor and researcher of end-of-live experiences and a woman who’s lived 17 years with metastatic breast cancer. I was reminded again during an end-of-life doula training I completed recently. Through the work and study I have been doing lately, I’ve learned that, perhaps, one way to become less afraid of death is to be open to learning from others facing it. A year ago, I would have said that I wished to have a quick death and not know what hit me. However, after the training and conversations that I’ve had since, I found myself hoping for a heads up. Not necessarily a terminal illness, rather, the opportunity to curate the experience I have going out (i.e. end-of-life planning). And, the question that occurred to me as I’ve been writing this is this: What if we lived every day as if we’ve just been told we had a terminal illness? I have heard people use the “you have 3 months to live” as a “tool” for living. I suppose that works, too. Either way, what would you do if you knew the end was. near? What would your priorities be? What would you want to experience?
To living life to the fullest!
