Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast |
Grief Shaming
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY
Grievers are often on the receiving end of some hurtful, even harmful, unsolicited advice. They’re often told how they should be grieving, how long, and how they should be feeling. Analytical, judgemental, and criticizing comments like these go back to all of the Myths of Grief that I talk about in Episode 4.
In this episode, I use widows and widowers as my example of what to say and what not to say to the griever after the death of their spouse/significant other. In this episode, you will learn those tips and more, including taking faith into consideration. We don’t all believe the same, therefore, it’s important to use caution when it comes to faith-based remarks.
Referenced in this episode:
Episode 4: Myths of Grief
Episode 6: The Manifestation of Grief (STERBS discussed in this episode)
Grief Support
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
It’s important because of how Grievers slip into the myths of grief. You know, the Don’t feel bad, replace the loss. All of those things that I’ve talked about many times; grieve alone, be strong, keep busy, and time heals all wounds. It’s these messages that we receive as Grievers from society from well-intentioned people in our lives, who likely have not swept their own doorstep in terms of addressing their own grief. But yet people tend to share unsolicited advice of what other Grievers should be doing shouldn’t be doing, how long they should be grieving or shouldn’t be grieving. And this post is about that.
People are Well-Intentioned
Social media can be an excellent tool to reconnect with family and friends and stay connected and nurture new relationships. However, there’s also a less favorable side to social media. And we all know there’s cyberbullying, which is an issue not only for teens but also for adults. But have you ever considered the harmful things people say to others who are grieving, and maybe things that you’ve even spoken to others who are grieving? I think this is especially true right now, as we all address and deal with COVID. But I believe people are well-intentioned. However, even well-intentioned people can do some emotional damage to an already hurting heart. In fact, 85% of the things people say to the widowed, for example, are not helpful. And I will be talking about widows or widowers in this post, using that loss as an example because it is very common. So think about how you can apply what I share today to other types of losses as you listen. But you know, furthermore, there can be remarks made in response to someone sharing about their grief online that tell the person how they should be over their grief by now or how they should be presently handling it. Or maybe people go as far as to tell the person to stop sharing their emotional pain online.
I’ve actually seen this, and people that I’ve worked with through grief recovery have shared with me that this has been said to them. And I’m going to call this for what it is. It is grief shaming. Instead of body shaming people, Grievers become victims of grief shaming. It’s the critical, analytical, and judgmental responses to sharing their emotional pain. And this term came to me during a conversation with my mentor. I had not heard this term before. And in the process of actually creating the blog post, I googled it. And Alas, I can say it’s not an original idea. And I’ve read several other blog posts by Grievers who have felt grief shamed themselves. So this topic is not something new. But I think it’s essential to bring to light the emotional damage unhelpful comments can do. And it ultimately boils down to the fact that society has no idea what to do or say in response to grief.
When Grief Recovery Institute Started
When John James had started the grief recovery Institute, he chose the name grief recovery, despite being told by many that people will not want to talk about grief. And that is why he chose the phrase grief recovery. The narrative around grief needed to change then. Which was, at the time, in the late 70s. And it still needs to change. Unfortunately, what I find with grief recovery is when you begin to give yourself compassion, and recovery opens your heart more fully to the pain of others. Grief recovery isn’t only about healing. It’s educational, too. And I think we all would agree that we could use more knowledge when it comes to grief. So back to grief shaming, which to me is the feeling the griever has after sharing their emotional pain, and others share remarks that are criticizing, judging, and analyzing of what the griever shared. I’ve said it before. But grief involves healing a broken heart, not a broken brain. And the more other people attempt to fix widows and widowers, for example, or any griever with intellectual comments and advice, the more isolated they feel. They might even start to think something is wrong with them because they are still grieving.
11 Things not to say to a Widow or Widower
Be grateful for the time you were married.
You’re still young; you can always remarry.
You must stay strong for your children.
Don’t feel bad; your husband is no longer in pain. And that’s you know, especially if they died of an illness.
Your wife wouldn’t want you to be sad; she’d want you to celebrate her life.
Everything happens for a reason.
This might be a good time for you to get a new pet or take up a new hobby.
Make sure you donate all your husband’s stuff to charity; you don’t need any reminders of him.
Make sure you don’t throw away any of your wife’s stuff; you will regret it. It just takes time.
And finally, I know what you’re going through.
And then the person starts talking about their own loss.
Online or in-person remarks like these are not helpful because although they may be intellectually valid, they’re not addressing the feelings of the heart. Therefore they’re doing more damage than good. The griever is left feeling shame or embarrassment for sharing in the first place. When all they’re trying to do is process what they’re feeling. I’ll say this until I’m blue in the face. We don’t know what to do with our feelings when it comes to grief. Expressing them in the only way we know or are familiar with is what we resort to instead. And when a griever hears judgment, criticism, or analysis, they end up grieving in isolation.
So tell me, is it any wonder why our obesity rate is what it is? Why our alcohol and drug addiction is an epidemic? How the debt of individuals also accrue continually increase over time? Of course, this is due to many reasons. However, on average, and 2019 people are spending just as much of their income on paying down current debt as they are on accruing new debt for clothes and trips. According to a nationwide study, so that was 2019, I am not sure what the numbers would be for 2020, considering we had COVID. However, essentially, Americans are paying billions overall in interest and are continually in debt. In grief recovery, these modes of distraction, such as food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, workaholism, or gambling, and many more, in our lives are called STERBS, short-term energy relieving behaviors. And I actually have an episode on that a while back. And I could do a whole topic of that, just a podcast episode again, probably on that as well. But I digress back to shame, grief shaming yet again.
Here are helpful things to say to a Widow or Widower Instead
What happened? Ask what happened, then listen to their reply. You can do the most loving thing for widows and widowers who want and need to be listened to is to do just that, without judgment, comparison, or trying to fix them.
And it may also be helpful to ask how they felt at the time because often, two people get wrapped up in the story of what happened, but they’re rarely asked how it made them feel.
Another thing you can say is, I don’t know what to say. And it’s okay to tell the truth if you don’t know what to say. Your honesty allows the widowed to know you’re a safe person to talk to because they’ll know you aren’t trying to fix them.
Another thing to say, I can’t imagine how you feel. No two relationships are the same because they are comprised of two different people. So even if you’ve had a spouse die, you could never know exactly how another widow or widower feels.
At best, only you know how you felt when your loss occurred. Comparing losses is never helpful when offering advice or suggestions.
It breaks my heart to hear of your loss. This is a good one. Following up with a fond memory of the person who died also expresses how their loved one touched your life.
You can also give an emoji of a sad face or tears. You know we are in a time of texting and messaging and things like that we often don’t see people face to face. But just sending emojis, expressing your feelings is a far more positive response to their pain. Rather than telling them, they shouldn’t feel bad.
Regardless of the griever or the type of loss they’ve endured, the most helpful things you could say are likely not what your impulses tell you to say. So I caution you when replying to agree or sharing online or in person. Instead, dig into your heart, not your head, and approach the situation as if you’re holding the griever’s heart in your hands.
We are all Grievers
Utilize the suggestions I have given and change them up to reflect their loss and maybe even help to imagine them as a child. Because often adults say things to other adults that they would never say to a child. And you know, what? Aren’t we all holding our inner child in our hearts? We carry all of our losses with us from childhood into adulthood. Therefore, we are all Grievers. It’s just some are willing to admit it to others when the most compassionate thing they could do for themselves is to admit it to themselves. So another thing to keep in mind. While you may have found great assistance in your faith at times of personal loss, do not assume that this is the best way to assist others. Grievers, especially those dealing with an emotional loss caused by death, might still find themselves in emotional pain while still being secure in their relationship to their faith.
They may even have conflicting feelings regarding their faith as well, primarily if religion or faith was used against them in past loss experiences. Their relationship to their emotions and their faith are two different things. Many Christians often forget that the shortest sentence in the Bible is Jesus wept. It’s only reasonable that mere mortals might cry as well, even if their beliefs are strong. And it is my opinion that the Bible does not tell us the how of recovering from grief. Or faith can undoubtedly help us through the darkest of the days. When thoughts of your loved one come to mind, in fond memories turn, painful recovery has not occurred. You may have convinced yourself you are. However, when another significant emotional loss occurs later and stacks on top of the ones before it, you will be taken back to that old familiar pain you experienced before. The past hurt and pain will rise again to the surface. And when this happens, think about the STERBS that I mentioned go back to that episode as well.
Recovery is an Ongoing Process
Our minds concoct all kinds of ways to distract ourselves from our hearts. And I’ve only begun to scratch the surface on this topic. And as you’ve been listening (or reading), you may believe you’ve been doing just fine with your grief. But something you’ve heard (or read) is perhaps needling at you, pressing a button on your heart that makes you squirm in your seat. Perhaps you even want to email me and tell me I’ve got it all wrong – I get that. What we resist persists. And I know you because I was you and still am you in ways because recovery is an ongoing process. I am a work in progress. You are a work in progress. And healing is a work in progress, too. However, recovery is only in progress. Once we can admit to ourselves that we need it, tell the truth about ourselves – to ourselves. Start there. And when you’re ready, you know where to find me. So I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
Have you felt grief shamed? Have you recognized where you may have been grief-shamed by someone else? And if that’s the case, you know what, forgive yourself for that. And if you need to offer an apology, do so. Seek out education about grief, how to support others, how to support yourself. This is why I’m so passionate about grief education. Because as we start to work on ourselves, it creates ripples. And this work that I’ve done on myself has definitely created ripples in my life.
P.S. I hope this was helpful to you. Apply it to any losses that you’ve maybe encountered and will encounter because grief isn’t going away anytime soon. I thank you for listening. Reach out to me if you have any questions. If you are interested in any of the services I provide, if you want to dig deeper into your grief, reach out to me [email protected], or you can find me on Instagram or Facebook. I hope this finds you well today, and I wish you much love.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast |
Can You Recover From Grief?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Do you believe that you do not have any undelivered emotional communications?
Do you believe that you’ve made peace in a relationship with someone who’s died?
Discover, in today’s episode, the truth behind these questions, after you’ve heard some examples of what “undelivered communications” may look like in your day-to-day life. And, more importantly, why there’s hope.
We often neglect to share our hearts with others, for fear of sounding silly, making the other person upset, or for fear of rejection. We also neglect to tell the truth about ourselves if we don’t feel safe to do so as well. This is often the case within the context of dysfunctional relationships.
Learn today if you have some unfinished emotional business and also learn a bit about a new offering that is near and dear to my heart toward the end.
Mentioned in today’s episode:
Miranda Lambert | The House That Built Me
Helping Children with Loss
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
______
WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
I’m pretty sure you’re probably thinking, heck no, because if you’re a longtime grieving like I was 30 plus years, you’re probably thinking there is no hope. I’m always going to feel this way. I’m always going to be struggling with this. And I’m here to tell you, there is hope. You see the truth is the key to recovery. And not long ago, a good friend of mine, Michelle shared a quote on her Instagram and I’d like to read it to you. When we first tried to open her eyes after sleep it hurts. Truth gives us the same pain when it illuminates our minds. This is not an excuse to hide from it. Very true. And I thought of grief. As I read that. I’m not sure if that was necessarily her intent of it. I don’t believe it was but it’s pretty easy for me to tie everything back to grief. And so that quote definitely made me think of grief. If you’re interested in learning more about my friend Michelle and her wise words, you can find her on Instagram @happymemichelle. I also wanna share an excerpt from the grief recovery handbook. The essence of recovery is contained in the premise of being totally honest about ourselves in relation to others. However, as humans, it is virtually impossible not to have impressions and opinions about others. So we must allow that our perception of others may limit or restrict our recovery. Being super critical of what others did or did not do usually leads to an inaccurate appraisal of our relationship with them. How’s that for a truth bomb for you? Right?
Grief Recovery is Possible
Whether you’re grieving someone or a relationship or aspects of a relationship you don’t like, even if you have strong resentment or even hate. I’m here to tell you that grief recovery is possible. Do you believe you do not have any undelivered emotional communications? If you do, I’m going to tell you right now, that’s likely false. What you may not consider is that we really struggle to share our inner thoughts with others. Don’t you agree with that? If my son, heaven forbid, he’s 15. His name is Xavier. If he were to die tomorrow, I know that I haven’t shared everything with him that I appreciate what’s hurt me or that I admire about him. For example, he’s amazing with young children. And he’s patient and he’s playful, and he devotes all his attention to those little ones. He also has respect for his elders, he’ll open doors, he says please, and thank you, and most of their lawn just because he is a very good kid. And he approaches every goal with determination. And you know what? He doesn’t know all of these things. Because I haven’t told him. When was the last time you shared communications like this with your child, parent, sister, spouse? When was the last time you shared your heart with someone? What they mean to you? Maybe even how they’ve hurt you?
Or how about when trust has been broken with a friend? Do they know? We often avoid the hard conversations to for fear of rocking the boat, ruffling feathers, or avoiding confrontation. So yes, I am 99.9% certain that as you’re listening to this, that you have undelivered emotional communications with friends or foes and that both positive and negative, you may have unfinished business. If there was a long-term illness and you’re a caregiver, you were likely preoccupied as the caregiver, and not one you cared for was the patient-focused on their illness and their treatment and their medication and focused on just getting better. You can’t speak to each other like you normally would. Or how about the instance of divorce? It isn’t until the sense of finality when the gunk hits us. What if it’s a negative relationship? And you have lots of hopes and dreams, you hope to mend fences, you may wait for an apology that you’ll never get. And doing that my friend keeps you in emotional jail. If it’s a dysfunctional home, you may have realized that you missed out on a normal, healthy childhood; what would have been normal. Understand that unfinished emotions attach themselves to future events.
My Childhood Experience
I’ll use my personal experience to illustrate how unfinished emotions attach themselves to future events. In my childhood, I had been molested. And because of that, I developed a lack of trust, a lack of self-worth. I sought out unhealthy relationships. I had been looking for someone to fill a need that I couldn’t give myself. I was filled with shame. I also abused alcohol. And I got myself into unsafe situations. And I took risks. And I didn’t care. There’s a song by Miranda Lambert called the house that built me. And it was a song that really spoke to me in my 20s into my 30s and really captured a lot of what I had been feeling in terms of grief and things like that. And part of the lyrics goes like this: I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it’s like I’m someone else. I thought maybe I could find myself. If I could just come in, I swear I’ll leave; won’t take nothing but a memory from the house that built me. You leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can. I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am. The lyrics in that song encompass a lot of what I had been feeling for many years. And now that you likely realize that you have to unfinished business, emotional business within a relationship, or undelivered emotional communications. I will share that yes, you can recover from grief due to the examples I gave or too many other causes.
Evidence-Based Program
And now I’ll share a little bit of how the grief recovery method is the only evidence-based program for moving beyond impact processing grief. The only one. It’s not based on evidence. It’s evidence-based. Meaning it’s not based on testimonials. It’s actually based on actual data that had been conducted in a study I can’t University. So yes, this program works. If you do the work and continue to apply the tools and education you receive to every relationship that you have. That is emotionally incomplete. I have applied this method to relationships with people in my life living deceased, to alcohol, which by the way I’m nine months now alcohol-free. I’ve applied it to money, my inner child or that relationship I have to myself. This is the one method that I come back to over and over and over. It is why I cannot not talk about it. When I say it’s changed my life that is not Fufu talk. I look back on who I was on that plane to Austin, Texas in March 2019. And who I am now and it’s apples and oranges. The changes I’ve made in my life, the impact that this program has had on my heart, and the ripples it’s created to still to this day still. Just blow my mind. And you know what, there were unexpected results as well and changes because not everyone in your life will be comfortable with your growth. And sometimes we outgrow relationships. But know that even if that happens, even if the people that you are closest to, start fading to the background, as they start to recognize and see these changes that you go through. Know that you’ll have grief recovery to fall back on to process that relationship as well. This is an educational program, as much as it is a therapeutic one. Even though it’s not therapy, it’s just very therapeutic. But it’s tools that you will have in your back pocket for the rest of your life. And you know what they say about education? No one, no one can take your education away from you.
Do you believe me now? When I say that you can recover from grief? Do you recognize that you may have emotional undelivered communications and unfinished business with the relationship in your life? These are big questions if you’re honest, and you tell the truth to yourself, about what it is that is still emotionally incomplete for you. That’s when you start to realize where the healing needs to start where it needs to take place where you’ve got some work to do. And I’m laying out a program for you. It’s here, it’s right here. And it’s available to you, no matter where you are, no matter where you’re listening to this, I can work with you one on one online. And we can start as soon as you’re ready. It is an incredible time, right now. There’s a lot of change. There’s a lot of dis-ease in our lives. There’s a lot of unrest going on in the world. But I’ll tell you one thing if you start to dig into your heart, and you start to do this work, and you start to peel back the onion that’s filled with all of the gunk, and the layers of hurt. And all of that stuff. If you start to peel that back, bit by bit, you feel lighter and lighter and lighter. And that is how I came home on that plane.
There is Hope
Back in March of 2019. I came home so much lighter, and an emotional boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. Now, I’m not going to say that it’s going to be as dramatic or it’s going to feel as massive of a shift that I felt. Because grief is individual. And it’s unique to each and every one of us. But if you’ve listened to this podcast long enough, or if you’ve read my book or if you read my blog at all, you will know that I’ve had a lot of grief in my life. So if I can share that this works for me and that it can work for you. That’s my hope. That is hope. And so when I open this podcast today, I said that maybe this episode is more about hope. And I think it is. So I’m going to leave you with that today that there is hope. As you listen to this, as you’ve reflected on your life, the losses that you’ve endured, the pain, the suffering, the hurt, know that I’ve been there too, for many years, and it is often the things that we can’t say to people. And I’m getting emotional as I start to say this. But this method can change your life. Like it changed mine. Because the hard things that we can’t say to people that we feel like we can’t say that we don’t feel safe, sane. We don’t need to say them to the other person. We can utilize this program and the container that it is delivered in and with me as a facilitator to address what is emotionally incomplete and a safe, supported, step-by-step way.
I’ve been sharing about the helping children with Loss Program, which is another phenomenal program based on the grief recovery method, but it’s specifically for the adults in children’s lives. It is the program that I wish my mother would have known about. That I wish if she would have known about that, she would have utilized it because I don’t know that I would have suffered in my life. As much as I had the opportunity to process this grief, way back when that program, the helping children with Loss Program is prevention. That’s where this program that I’ve been talking about today is recovery. But there is actually a program for prevention. And that’s why I’m very passionate as well about that program.
P.S. I hope you feel the hope in my heart for you.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Parent Loss |
Losing a parent is a complex experience. You may feel shock, anger or frustration, or a combination of all three. Other common experiences include feeling guilty if you weren’t there for their death or a sense of the current situation not feeling like a reality.
As a child and even when you become an adult, you expect to have your parents around for many years to come. You believe that they’re going to be there, watching over you, providing you with their help and support until you’re well into adulthood yourself. But that’s not how it always works out. Many people lose parents early as I did (age 8).
Therefore, in this post, we take a look at some of the things that you can do after you lose a parent (from an adult perspective) and why the experience is so complex.
Do What You Need To Do To Take Care Of Your Wellbeing
Grief can have a profound physiological effect on the body. That’s because it puts you into a state of shock and can often happen without any warning. Even if you have forewarning, there is nothing that finalizes a loss like that person’s death. Even though you may know it’s coming, the finality of it often doesn’t hit until after the loved one passes. You may feel as though the person is already gone, depending on the circumstances (such as in the case of terminal illness or dementia). However, again, it’s not until the loved one passes where the finality hits.
Before the passing of the loved one, there are plenty of distractions, too. Doctor visits, daily tasks of caregiving and support, and logistical and practical things people need to be taken care of while they’re alive. Before a loved one passes, these familiar patterns of behavior suddenly change with death, and this alone can put people into an emotional tailspin. Suddenly, the need to be needed is no longer there. For some, this may come as a huge relief. However, it’s still a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. For others, it’s the sudden awareness of time and this desire to fill that space of time starts to creep in, so what do many grievers do? They find a way to keep busy. And, far too often, that is the unhelpful advice others will give, too. “Just stay busy and, you’ll be fine – eventually.” So, so unhelpful to a griever.
Therefore it’s at times like these that you need to ensure that you’re looking after yourself better than you usually would. Getting enough sleep, for instance, is critical. If you struggle with sleep normally because of work, you may request bereavement leave or a change in your duties. I’ve had several podcast guests share in this sentiment, too, to take the necessary time off. You will not be as productive, anyway. When we break a leg, we go to the doctor and take the necessary time off from work to heal. Why do we not do this with our hearts? Gotchya there, didn’t I? It’s absolutely true! Our hearts need time to mend, just like any broken body part would. Granted, there is no timeline to grief, and it can feel like a luxury to have time off. For some people, that’s simply not an option. That being said, what are your options? You may need to get creative, but sometimes just changing how you work can benefit your emotional health significantly. Maybe grief will help you to realize that the environment in which you’re working is toxic and that it’s time to find something else more nurturing to your spirit.
Grief is a clarifier, and it awakens the dormancy of other hurts in our hearts. Use the awareness that it brings to make positive changes forward for your well-being.
Another area you’ll want to tend to is ensuring that you prioritize your nutrition and cooking, even if you don’t feel like eating. Healthy foods are one of the best ways to get on the road to recovery. Clearly, aim for moderation in all things, and avoid alcohol use as dependency on it long-term can harm you. As I’ve shared before, alcohol and food can easily become STERBS (short-term energy relieving behaviors) that we resort to when all we want is to feel better. These things don’t make us feel better after, though. They only pile on the guilt and shame.
Share Memories
Telling stories about the loved parent that you’ve lost can actually aid you in your bereavement. Talking to grandchildren about your parents’ lives, for instance, allows you to appreciate their life and stops you from bottling it all up.
I recall a story that broke my heart. This person was an adult whose parent had recently died. The person expressed how upset it made them when their child brought up the grandparent (this person’s parent) and how they would, essentially, shut the child down from talking about their beloved grandpa. This absolutely broke my heart.
Young children know how to grieve. Heck, they express every emotion there is, don’t they? However, as we age, it is the adults in our lives (and unhelpful and hurtful) messages in society that perpetuate this belief that we are to not share our feelings and are to grieve alone. Therefore, emotionally stifled children become emotionally stifled adults. And, these beliefs about how to grieve are then passed on to the next generation.
Do you see why this is important to understand and why I am so passionate about educating about grief? Our future generations rely on us getting this through our heads and doing better than the generation before us.
So please, as much as it hurts you, put your adult ego aside, and please allow children the time and space to express themselves. Have the conversations about how you miss your loved one – together. Cry – together. Grieve – together. You are teaching a valuable lesson that they will carry with them well into adulthood.
I was not given that opportunity, like so many children aren’t. As an adult, expressing yourself and sharing memories is the fastest (and healthiest) way to feeling better. And, it’s so important to choose your listening ears wisely, too.
Do Something To Remember Them
You can also pay your respects by creating a tribute memorial for a loved one. This could be anything, from planting their favorite flowers in your backyard to creating a home shrine. You could also explore financial options, such as donating to their favorite charity.
Take Time To Forgive
Before you roll your eyes, read on…💛
Some people are angry with their parents. So, emotionally, their death can be even more complex. You feel various emotions, some of which make you feel dreadful about yourself and who you are as a human being. Trust me; I get it.
Life doesn’t always provide us with answers to all our questions. But that’s okay – you can accept the mystery. Therefore, you can forgive your parents, even if you don’t understand why they acted in the way that they did at times.
The beautiful thing about grief recovery is it allows you to address those moments in time you can’t seem to let go of and forgive. Those times that pull you back in time, and you feel the pain and hurt all over again like it was yesterday. These moments are impacting you daily, whether you realize it or not. How you are coping (or not) impacts your life, whether you care to admit it or not.
Forgiveness isn’t for them; it’s for you. It’s not about condoning or forgetting; it’s about no longer swallowing the resentment, which is a poison you’re holding onto in your body.
Forgiveness is about emotional freedom from the pain that you will no longer let those things hurt you anymore.
Allow Comfort
Lastly, you’re allowed to let other people comfort you and take over some of the responsibilities of your life for a time. Completely isolating yourself doesn’t do much to help, and it would likely make matters worse.
This is so hard for so many people who were raised as people-pleasers. You know who you are, the ones who take care of everything without a word needing to be said. You’re the one who gives until they’re blue in the face and, deep down, resentful for it. You want to be cared for but simply were never taught how to be because, again, you maybe had to grow up fast as a child. There wasn’t any coddling or nurturing in your life, so you found your resilience, self-sufficiency, and resourcefulness instead. You likely had a lot of responsibility as a child, too.
You don’t know how to be cared for and, I get you. I do. So, rather than feeling the pressure of delegating, start with YOU. What does your heart need today? A walk in nature? A soak in the tub? Or a good belly laugh? Nurture your heart with the simple pleasures of life and feel gratitude in those moments. Then, as you go, assess what you can let go of, delegate, and ask for help.
If you have children and are a stay-at-home/work-at-home parent, you may want to put them into childcare for a while or see if you can do a child swap with a friend – it’s a win-win! Or you could temporarily hire household help to assist with the chores. Find some way to build in support.
We often don’t know what we need until someone throws it in our lap. So, if you’re reading this and know of someone on the grief struggle bus right now, steal some of these ideas or read this post on learning how to support a grieving friend or listen to the podcast where my guests share tips just like this!
Childhood Grief, Educational, Emotions, Grief, Pespective |
The Power of Anger
Anger is a powerful emotion. It has a direct effect on our bodies physiologically and biologically. Early on, as children, we learn the physical cues of anger. For example, when you see someone make a fist before they hit someone or something, the facial expression when the brow narrows, and there is visual tension in the face, particularly the jaw area. The person’s face may even turn red, and their voice will get louder, depending on how angry they are. Their breathing pattern may shorten and become more shallow, too. They may even pace the room.
If you’ve been taught that anger is a “bad” emotion and it’s not one to be expressed, you may have become a pro at containing it. So, the physical cues will be different for those who are practicing constraint of anger. For someone working hard to contain their anger, their breathing pattern will change; it may become louder and perhaps slower as a conscious effort to remain calm. You may look for a way to expend that energy physically (such as exercise, cleaning, pacing, etc.). However, internally, I feel much of the same is going on – blood pressure is rising, adrenaline is pumping, and eventually, something has to give. Some people may vacillate between the two descriptions, too. I know, for me, I would start by trying my darndest to contain my anger but, eventually, would find myself yelling (even screaming), slamming doors, getting physical, and sometimes, too, I would often end up crying.
There is a sense of shame often felt after becoming angry. Again, this ties back to the beliefs we’re taught about anger. We must raise the future generations that there are healthy ways to utilize and channel anger. It serves a valuable purpose.
Anger is our cue that something feels unfair or unjust. We also may not feel as though we are living in integrity with our own values and expectations. Expectations are huge, anyway, when it comes to our relationships. There’s a quote I heard in my grief recovery training: “Expectations are planned disappointments.” Or, said in another way:
Expectations destroy our peace of mind. They are future disappointments planned out in advance.
– Elizabeth George
My husband says this phrase that, for a long time, drove me nuts. And, it drove me nuts because I was a person who would analyze everything. The phrase? “No one can make you angry; you make yourself angry.” Annoying, right? I have had to remind him of his own words. LOL! But, his sage words began to make more sense the more I worked through my unaddressed anger through grief recovery. As long as I was blaming another for my anger, I learned how disempowering that is and how I felt like a victim. However, once I learned that my feelings around that individual were showing up as anger because of undelivered communications, well then, that was something I could do something about. And that’s empowering stuff.
Anger Norms in Society
Although many of us are taught that anger isn’t an emotion that’s acceptable to express, society seems to often view those who rule with an iron fist as tempered, angry people. These “rulers” have the capability to control their anger with reason. It’s a persona, I believe, that is lived into. We aren’t born angry; quite the contrary. We’re born with the innate desire to love and be loved. It’s somehow anger that gets in the way of that ability; it clouds our judgment and causes us to say things we later regret and go against our desire, not intended to cause harm. And yes, the opposite is true; some have an intent to cause harm. Those who are filled with so much rage that it’s them versus the world, in their mind. These are people that can’t be reasoned with because reason itself has no place in their mind. I would ask, instead: “What happened to you that makes you angry?”
Here’s a quote shared by blogger Dan Spira that I find interesting in talking about anger:
“..we sometimes praise those who are harsh-tempered as manly, and fitted to command. It is therefore not easy to pronounce on principle what degree and manner of error is blameworthy, since this is a matter of the particular circumstances, and judgement rests with the faculty of perception. But thus much at all events is clear, that the middle disposition is praiseworthy, which leads us to be angry with the right people for the right things in the right manner and so on… ”
– Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics, Book IV Chapter 5,
English Translation by H. Rackham (1926)
Furthermore, here’s an excerpt from Dan’s blog post (which I found by Googling: “What’s the opposite of anger?”):
Tame it [anger] too much, and it gets snuffed out completely into apathy or “spiritlessness.” Most popular psychology and therapy are built around this Aristotelian concept of balanced, virtuous Anger (he called it “good temper“) and the idea of having a healthy, under-control release valve of emotional tension.
In other words, get angry; it’s a valid emotion; however, don’t allow yourself to get too carried away or “aroused” by it.
In the work that I do, I know it is often the “aroused” anger that prompts people to take action in their lives, too, finally. It’s this idea of being “sick and tired of being sick and tired” of one’s own crap.
Anger, Evil-doers, and the Energy of Anger
Our reaction to our own anger, and that of others, can be traced back to the beliefs about anger that we were raised to believe. I have this belief that those who do evil things must be angry people. And I have struggled for a long time with the notion that people are born evil. It’s probably why I’m fascinated by real-life murder stories/shows/podcasts. I have been trying to understand the part of society that harms others. What is it about the upbringing that made them (i.e., evil people) do horrible (sometimes unspeakable) things? Who were they before they did such evil things? What are the signs of such evil-doers? I suppose, too, and it really only occurred to me as I’m writing this now, having been a victim of someone who had the intent to harm; perhaps it’s my quest to better understand why, what happened to me, happened in the first place. I happen to know a lot about the history, and truthfully, it helps me look at the perpetrator with compassion. Granted, I say this after having done a lot of inner-work, too. Was I angry for a long time for what happened to me? Absolutely, I was. Given that those events also happened on the heels of my dad’s illness and subsequent death, and simultaneously when a lot of change was already happening in my life, I had a lot to be angry about.
I recognize anger (particularly hidden anger) in children quite easily, I believe, due to my experiences. And generally, my antenna of intuition, when I meet people, has become acutely attuned to the energy of others. This sensitivity to the energy of others used to be very taxing and draining until I learned to protect my own energy rather than taking everyone’s energy in as my own. However, it’s become a blessing. It’s as if I am a TSA agent armed with one of those metal detector wands. Rather than scanning for metal, I’m scanning the person’s energy where I can sense what they’re feeling without them saying a word. I get a vibe if the person feels like a “safe” person or something off about them. This is especially common, I believe, for those who grew up in chaotic, harmful, or dangerous environments. It’s a constant fight-or-flight of having to figure out who is safe and who isn’t, assessing the surroundings, and looking for danger.
What I am getting at, by sharing about the energetics of anger, is that it’s often palpable energy I pick up on. People’s choice of words, tone of voice, body language are all reflected by the state of one’s emotions. In a nutshell: all frequencies are equal to the issue at hand. This is true of every aspect of our body, whether emotional, physical, spiritual, or psychological. The energy (i.e., vibrational frequency) we give off in the world around us is also returned to us. It’s why it is so critical for those grieving to pay attention to their personal energy and that of others around them. An angry (in the moment) griever will bring a different frequency of energy versus a griever who is sad (in the moment). And, in grief, we can feel these and more in a span of moments. So, it’s really about elevating our personal energy – which is the sole responsibility, anyway. It’s not your responsibility to raise the vibrational frequency of the grievers around you no more than it’s their responsibility to raise yours.
I feel like I’ve taken the topic of anger down a deep rabbit hole. However, I think it’s important we look at the broader impact (and usefulness) of anger. We can be highly motivated to make something happen when we’re angry. And, if you think about it, when you’ve been angry, you’ve likely felt more compelled to move someone else to action rather than taking action yourself. Am I right? So, the better question here is: do you want to be a victim, or do you want to empower yourself?
Anger & Grief
I also think it’s important to mention that not all grievers will experience anger. Yes, it is often a factor in our difficult relationships with less than loved ones. Yet, to presume that someone is angry because of a loss is incorrect. For example, if you had a lovely relationship with someone who died, they lived a long, full life but became ill and died. You may feel relief that it wasn’t a long, drawn-out illness where your loved one suffered. Furthermore, if you had recently seen your loved one and shared all that you wanted to share, expressed your love and appreciation for them, and said goodbye, anger would likely not play a role in that scenario. However, had the relationship or scenario been different, if they were less than loving, or you couldn’t see them before they passed away, you may experience anger in this situation. In summary, do not believe that anger is an automatic part of unresolved grief.
In today’s blog post, you’ve learned:
the physical ques of anger
what anger is revealing to us
my personal perspective of anger and evil-doers
the role anger plays in our lives
about the energy of anger
why to never assume a griever is angry over a loss
I hope this has offered a perspective on anger you hadn’t considered and that you found it educational. Anger is a broad topic, with many more rabbit hole opportunities to dig into more deeply.
In summary, anger is a valid emotion and is a clue that something isn’t sitting well with our spirit. Rather than let the anger set you on a disempowering and dangerous path, perhaps a better approach is to sit with the anger. Look at it for what it’s revealing to you and ask yourself what you need to do at that moment; that would help release it in a helpful way. This makes me think of scenarios on playgrounds that play out time and time again. There’s the bully and the bullied. And, often (more often than not), it’s both – the bully is often bullied. And, even if the child isn’t bullied in school, what is happening at home? Where the child feels powerless, unheard, or maybe even worse – disregarded or unseen? I must say, if that were you as an adult, you’d be angry, too, wouldn’t you? And, my friend, it bears repeating: adulthood is childhood reenactments. I’m not saying every child who is bullied as a child becomes a bullying adult. But, I would argue that 9 out of 10 times, that adult has unaddressed childhood anger showing up in their life in other ways. Because, at its root, anger is sadness that will always find a way to express itself; somehow, in some way, at some point in time – even if it’s 20 years from now. That’s the sneakiness of anger – and grief.
Sending you love + light. 💛
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
In my work with clients in grief recovery over the past few weeks, my clients and I have talked a lot about the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. And, anything they wish would’ve been (or would be) different, better, or more.
So many people believe that grief is only an experience after someone dies. When in reality, no one has to die for you to grieve. Recently, during a consultation, the client shared that after listening to my podcast episode about the myths of grief, they realized that their life experience was, at the root of it all, grief. And, they had plenty of grief-causing experiences, too. And, another area of grief that’s come up with my clients lately has been how, in their relationships (and we all do this), both they and their significant others are bringing their luggage of what they wish had been different, better, or more in their lives, well before the relationship even started.
What happens when you have two people get together that both have unresolved grief? You get a simmering pot of unexpressed anger, sadness, resentment, fear, insecurities, you name it, that all come together. Circling back to the luggage analogy, and as I shared with my client, it’s as if you both dump your bags of luggage onto a bed, and your stuff mixes with their stuff and then something happens that shakes up the relationship, so you go to grab your stuff again, however, by that point, it’s hard to know what’s yours and what’s theirs anymore.
If every person who’s had a past that’s created emotional dis-ease and emotional restlessness and discontent were to address the grief itself (and calling it for what it is – grief) at the root, before getting into an intimate relationship with another, then we’d have happier and more emotionally stable homes, communities, and world. And more importantly, the children of our world wouldn’t become the byproducts of adult emotional pain.
I challenge you to look at who you are today and consider how the wounds of your past have shaped the decisions and behaviors you’ve resorted to, in an attempt to feel better, and how those decisions and behaviors have impacted others throughout your life. When we’re overcome with a long-standing undercurrent of grief, we easily become stuck in that “woe is me” mindset. As that quote goes, we can’t see the label from inside the jar. In other words, take your blinders off and look at what you’re trying so hard not to see.
What do you wish would have been (or would be) different, better, or more in your life?
A big hug from me to you, my friend. 💛
P.S. On 6/23 at 8 PM CST, I will be offering up a FREE, live event! It will not be recorded, so you must attend live! If you want to make sure you don’t miss the announcement or the opportunity to register, my email list will be getting the info FIRST (and spots are limited) next week Wednesday (6/9) when my newsletter goes out. Want a heads-up sneak peek? Sign up HERE. 😊
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Personal, Pespective, Reiki, Resources |
What I Do & How I’m Different
Today, I thought I would speak about what I do, how I’m different, and the type of client I resonate most with.
What I Do
Through grief healing programs, I walk you through the process of being leashed to grief – to being unleashed and emotionally free.
Through online and in-person programs, trailblazers like you realize that the one area of your life that’s always had a background presence is the one area you’ve also never addressed (i.e., grief). You have not connected the dots that loss, suffering, and grief have negatively impacted your life. But, you recognize that the chip on your shoulder, the poison (i.e., resentment) you’re drinking, hoping the other person dies, and the anger that’s been stewing from years past isn’t helping you live the life you envisioned for yourself. You know it could be better; you just haven’t found the how.
That’s where I come in – empowering and equipping you to help yourself.
There is no magic pill, and what I have to offer isn’t that. However, it does feel like a magical formula that works in magical ways in your life. When paired together, I believe I have found two programs that will be the key to you becoming unleashed from your past and unlocking your future. They have certainly done that for me. And I have already seen amazing results for my clients. While the Grief Recovery Method® was the light at the end of the dark tunnel (the hope and guidance they needed to leave the pain in the rearview), YouMap® was the lantern that has illuminated their path forward.
With empathy as my number one strength and the driver of my life, my approach is heart-centered. Please take a peek at my own YouMap® and, it’s clear to me that I am fully aligned in the work that I do with every service I offer, including Reiki and End-of-Life services (which I have yet to bring to the forefront). What brings me fulfillment is being of service in a meaningful way. I love helping others unlock their own potential, and, for the vast majority of us, the secret sauce is addressing the very stuff of our hearts we try so desperately to avoid or bury. And, an area of service I have yet to share fully is to help those dying die in a way that honors their wishes, helps them and their loved ones feel supported, and provide guidance for end-of-life, in general. There’s so much to share I haven’t even gotten to yet!
On a final note that supports what I do, I am the only Advanced Grief Recovery Method Specialist in the world certified as a YouMap® coach and vice versa. And, because 1 in 33 million people share the same top 5 strengths as me (or you), it is a particular skill-set I bring to grievers and those who want to uplevel their lives (and, in turn, their energy).
Be The Trailblazer of Your Life
The trailblazer is the go-getter, the do-er, a maverick, of sorts. You know you’re meant for more but have found yourself, year after year, stuck in the same old patterns of behavior that, well, keep you stuck. You may be the CEO of your home, wrangling all of the kids to their activities, all the while, you’re time is consumed by PTO/PTA, church council, city board, and the care of the household. Perhaps, on top of all of those duties, you also work outside the home, or perhaps, you have your own business, too.
You know your life (and/or business/career) could be better. You know you have a hard time making decisions. You likely feel inadequate in some ways, and if in business especially, you struggle with people skills and time management. You’re often feeling scatter-brained, have difficulty focusing, and most days could use a personal secretary. All the while, it feels like everyone around you isn’t struggling like you are. They go about their day unaffected by the little things that seem to set you off into a tailspin. – life could be better. You want life to be better. You want to feel better about your life. You know there’s potential for amazing things to come to fruition, but all of that seems out of reach. And, you also recognize that there’s a good reason for the struggle. You just haven’t connected the dots – yet.
You may not see yourself as a trailblazer, but if there’s one thing I have learned doing this work myself and with others, it is with momentum, you will become one. Once you start paving your path and blazing your own trail, you realize there’s nothing that can stop you. And, you’ll also feel far more prepared for the curveballs and sh*t-storms that happen in the future when you have the tools you learn through Grief Recovery to fall back on and rather than respond, approach the situation with a proactive mindset because you will have learned how to prevent yourself from further unnecessary suffering (through the knowledge gained in your YouMap®).
Connecting the Dots
You may be drinking more than you know you should be some nights. However, given the stress and anxiety you feel, it brings you relief and an escape for a time. The credit card debt may be racking up because spending money on things you don’t need has become another past-time to feel better. As a result of the shame and added stress these other behaviors (or behaviors like these) are causing in your life, you’re quick to anger. So, to combat the conflict at home, you’re becoming a workaholic.
Consider the losses in your life since childhood. These losses stack up. From losing a beloved pet, a grandparent that was more like a parent to you, a traumatic experience, or growing up in a dysfunctional home – perhaps with an alcoholic or witnessing domestic violence – your upbringing impacts your decision-making well into adulthood.
The cure to understanding the who, what, and why is to dig deep – in a guided, supported way. Unlike years of therapy (which has its place) and popping pills, tipping the bottle, or relying on mantras and affirmations (although these do have their time and place, too) – grief recovery is action. Through grief recovery, you go emotional mining, however, not in a willy-nilly way. Through an evidence-proven method, you’re guided through your inner, emotional experiences, thereby transforming your outer experience.
If a transformation of your heart, and your life, is what you seek, there is hope. If, what you’ve been doing, hasn’t been working, seriously ask yourself what you believe to be true about your life with grief. Are you exhausted by the emotional weight you’re carrying?
That boulder can be lifted, believe me.
And, I promise you – grief recovery is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. There is nothing else like it. It’s trademarked for a reason. Kent University studied it for a reason. It works. Experience the difference for yourself.
For those that believe you don’t have to look back to heal – I’m talking to you, too.
How has sweeping the pain under the rug been working for you?
I know it hasn’t because I did the same. And, because we’re all taught the same myths about grief, we’re all “under-the-rug-sweepers” to some degree.
Start sweeping your doorstep today, and you’ll see how the dust begins to settle in all areas of your life.
I’ve so been there, friend. I was you. It’s pretty amazing on the other side of the pain. I hope you join me.
P.S. Would you like to learn more? Schedule a free, no-obligation consultation!
