Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Personal, Pespective, Resources |
In the twenty podcast guest interviews I’ve done thus far, the common thread between all conversations is how healing of trauma and grief has been an evolutionary experience. I can say the same as I reflect on my own.
The person we are/were at the time of loss or trauma isn’t the same person that walks away from that experience. Trauma and grief change a person.
Trauma is what happens; grief is what’s left.
There is no hierarchy of experience, either. And this is where, in the land of grievers, isolation is common. Let’s say you were molested as a child. As an adult, you share that with someone for the first time. How would you feel if the other person then started to share how they were sexually assaulted as an adult by multiple people? In a sense, raising the anty of the experience. Then, if there’s another person who is let in on the conversation, comes in and shares how their mother was sexually assaulted and that assault resulted in a pregnancy. Again, raising the anty of traumatic experience. Suddenly, something you felt safe sharing becomes a conversation about other people. This is invalidating, and subconsciously you feel, “Well, I guess what happened to me wasn’t so bad. I need to suck it up; it could’ve been worse.” You likely also didn’t feel heard either.
The above is just an example of how an innocent conversation that, although well-intentioned in hopes of being relatable, may instead leave a griever feeling like there’s no one safe to share with and that their experience isn’t “bad enough.”
Do you see why grievers, possibly like you, resort to isolation? Society does this because, as I mentioned, we don’t know what to do with information that makes us uncomfortable, so we reach for the first thing that feels relatable. We also resort to information that we know. And, often, what we’re told about grief since childhood is incorrect. Not only is it incorrect, but it’s also likely hurtful and harmful. Like many of us growing up, the messages we receive about grief fall into one, many, or all of the six myths of grief.
The Six Myths of Grief
I’ve spoken about these myths many times throughout blog posts and in podcast episodes. You can learn about them on the podcast here:
Or, if you’d rather read a run-down list, they are:
- Don’t Feel Bad
- Replace the Loss
- Grieve Alone
- Be Strong
- Keep Busy
- Time Heals All Wounds
Because of the generational learning that falls into these myths, it can take a griever many months, years, or decades to understand what is happening in conversations like these. This is a perfect example of why The Grief Recovery Method is so much more than a method for processing emotions that are incomplete within the context of relationships with anyone living or deceased. It is an educational, evidence-proven method for moving beyond grief and loss.
Are You an Outward or Inward Emotional Processor?
It took me decades to dump the duffle bag of information I accumulated over the years about how to be with my grief. In other words, how to sit with and process my grief. The messages I received were all of the myths – every last one of them. It’s what I saw the people around me doing. So, even if certain words or phrases weren’t spoken, the adults’ actions around me spoke volumes. Think about the people you surround yourself with and how they cope with their grief. Are they quick to replace their losses with people, food, sex, gambling, alcohol, etc.? Do they isolate themselves and have gone from being outgoing and charismatic to quiet with an ever-present level of low-grade anger? Do grievers around you never stop, constantly going from one thing to the next, never pausing to reflect on the day, their thoughts, feelings, or pouring themselves into a cause or mission that has taken an unhealthy turn where they’re not sleeping or taking care of themselves? Have you been told not to feel bad that there is plenty of other fish in the sea or the words “At least…” followed by a well-meaning but hurtful statement? I could go on and on and on…this is the stuff we’re all taught because the generations before us were taught the very same thing and so on.
Over the past three decades of being with my grief and through the work that I’ve done, walking with others through theirs, I have come to the belief that there are two types of people: outward and inward emotional processors. Outward processing, people need to talk about what they’re thinking and feeling – it’s how they process emotion and gain insight. They’re the person who will get you on the phone for hours at a time – to talk about their problems. They are often the ones coming to you (if you’re an inward processor, particularly) for insight rather than being the listening partner. Not saying outward processing types can’t be good listeners. I feel (in my experience) that if I’m sharing with an outward processor, they’re likely more apt to share their thoughts and feelings rather than being able only to listen. In this instance, boundaries will come in handy. Inward processors (like myself) need time alone to be with their thoughts and feelings and tend to seek creative outlets to process emotions such as writing, painting, photography, music, etc.. I’ve resorted to all of those for my inward processing. I started to journal when I was around age eleven, I believe, and continue to do so. Music also helps me process as I tend to be drawn to music that reflects my emotions. I believe the ability to listen is one of my gifts. Ironically, I did get “N’s” for “needs improvement” under the category “Listen’s to and Follows Directions” on my elementary report cards. But, what do you expect from a child who lost a parent and who had been sexually abused, right? My mind was one of my greatest escapes as a kid.
Age brings the benefit of experience and wisdom. We all know this. Gosh, if only I knew at 21 what I know now! My life wouldn’t have been a trainwreck! But, as my podcast guest, Victoria Shaw, pointed out to me in her Dec. 22nd, 2020 episode – no part of the human experience is ever wasted. And that’s true when it comes to grief experiences. There will be lessons you receive – like it or not. People will fall away and come into your life – like it or not. And, the only guarantee when it comes to grief is that it will change over time. You will never be without the sadness of losing someone close to you because love doesn’t go away for someone. However, it is possible to feel complete with whatever was left undone or unsaid within the relationship through grief recovery. It is possible to think of the person and not become a ball of mess. It is possible to hear the person’s name and feel a sense of peace rather than be taken back to the circumstances of the loss and how it occurred. All of these and more are possible through grief recovery.
Common Phrases I Hear from Grievers
I have heard many grievers say, “What works for you may not work for me.” And, if that’s where you’re at as you read this, to that, I say this: it won’t work for you if you’re not ready to face all the feelings. And, if you’ve never experienced it, how would you know? It comes back to the old saying, “don’t knock it ’til you tried it!”
Another thing grievers will say is, “I don’t need to dig up the past to heal.” To that, I beg to differ. The past follows us like our shadow. And, it shows up as our shadow selves; how we respond to others, what we do with our lives, the fulfillment and contentment we feel, and how we feel about and treat ourselves.
Some Final Thoughts
Grief steals more than you probably realize from your present day. If you don’t feel like you’re living life to your fullest potential, reflect on the losses and grief you’ve experienced in your life.
Regardless of how you find your way to healing, understand it will change over time. The healing of trauma and grief is an evolutionary process. And I want to encourage you to be open to possibilities and a variety of healing modalities (like Grief Recovery and Reiki). Being open to possibility is also having hope that life can be different, better or more. We can feel grief, which is defined as anything we wish would be different, better, or more. But, we can also experience joy the same way – a feeling that is different, better, and more than we ever imagined.
P.S. Thank you for reading. If this resonates with you and you think of someone who may also enjoy this, please follow through on that nudge and share it with them. You were nudged for a reason! 😉🥰
Grief, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources |
If you had a choice between blissful or miserable, which would you choose?
I imagine you thought to yourself, “That’s a silly question!’ It’s a no-brainer – blissful!” Who would choose to be miserable?
Whatever you’re feeling deprived of – it’s the highest goal to attain it—feeling deprived of feelings of bliss? It will be your highest goal to attain bliss.
When deep in grief or otherwise, we often do what is necessary to move toward pleasure and away from pain.
Reaching for something to feel better, you may resort to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, television, fiction/fantasy books, surfing the internet/Facebook/social media, etc.
The Shame Game
You may feel better briefly, but what you’re most likely left with are feelings of shame. And shame makes us feel anything but blissful.
According to Merriam-Webster, shame is:
a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety
b: the susceptibility to such emotion
2: a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute
3a: something that brings censure or reproach also: something to be regretted
b: a cause of feeling shame
I need to write a blog post all about shame. It causes a lot of grief in our lives. Where there is shame, there is grief. Likewise, where there is grief, there is also shame. They go hand-in-hand. In my book, I have a chapter dedicated to shame titled The Shame Game.
Because shame and grief are so tightly interwoven, the patterns of behavior one may resort to (running toward pleasure) to avoid pain create more shame, becoming a cyclic pattern of behavior.
Grief makes you feel like you don’t have a choice when caught in this vicious cycle.
But, you do. Our minds are a powerful force to be reckoned with and are undoubtedly taken for granted when it comes to transforming our lives. We often don’t feel like we have a choice in our lives because we get stuck in the vicious cycle. We want to feel better. We don’t know how to break free and don’t know what to do first.
The first step in breaking cycles is to understand you have a choice and then decide to do something about it. I know many situations leave individuals where they are because of fear. I know that a person in a domestic violence situation is often groomed by their abuser. I understand that individuals or families living in poverty haven’t been given the tools and access to make their way out of poverty. Even in these situations, fear is often the stronghold on the mind. And, fear can be a beast of a feeling. Fear can paralyze you.
However, even in the most fearful situations, there have been true accounts of people surviving (even thriving) following terrible situations and circumstances. I’ve heard many of them on my podcast. There is an episode coming up in Feb/March that is incredibly terrifying, and yet, this woman clawed her way out of fear and obtained her Ph.D. The hero’s journey is something common to copywriters and those who write stories/scripts. Through my podcast, I hear stories like this on the regular. They are triumphant and inspiring stories of people, just like you and me, who, against all odds, realized they had a choice and decided. They held on to hope.
Sometimes, your circumstances or situation allows the fear to take hold, but if you hold on to hope, you’ve got something worth holding. Hope is a beacon. Hope is the light of a lighthouse you see in the distance when you’re in a small boat on a big ocean. If you want to feel some hope, take a listen to my podcast, Grieving Voices.
If you’ve made it out of the vicious cycle but feel as though your life isn’t heading in the direction you desire, or emotionally, the past still has a grip on your present, I encourage you to consider working with me.
I am sending you heaps of love + light! Thank you for reading and sharing with someone you know or love.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness |
What does contentment have to do with grief?
Let’s start by looking at the definition of contentment.
The dictionary definition of contentment is a state of happiness and satisfaction.
We can all agree that when it comes to grieving, we may experience states of happiness. However, how often do we feel satisfaction when we’re grieving?
The Grief Recovery Institute defines grief as the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. Furthermore, it is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. It’s also anything that we wish would have been different, better, or more.
If we look at these two definitions and reflect on our lives and our experiences, the question then is: how much satisfaction do we have with our life?
If we don’t have satisfaction with our lives, what is often present?
Stress.
What is often the byproduct of grief?
You guessed it……
Stress.
I was talking with a dear friend recently. I asked her (after sharing the epiphany I had this week about my energy and the dots I connected to when I was a kid – future blog post coming on this!) what replenishes her energy when she’s feeling drained. Her reply? Helping others – whether it is showing kindness, finding a resource, connecting people, etc…
Her response got me thinking. She and I both got our start in the medical field, doing healthcare work with the elderly. She’s furthered her healthcare career and is now in a position where she’s given the opportunity daily to replenish her energy. She loves what she does and feels fulfillment and satisfaction because it fulfills who she is – a Helper.
So, this conversation with my friend got me thinking more about contentment and how we find it in our lives. When we have days where we feel like all hope is lost. We don’t feel like we have a choice in our lives because of the card(s) we’ve been dealt. That how things are – always will always be; we’ll always feel the way we feel because the circumstance itself will never change. It is what it is. What is there to do about it? We can’t change what happened to us.
So, I went to the internet to find podcasts about contentment and if anything is ever mentioned about grief. I didn’t find much about contentment and grief. Still, I did find a podcast called “Finding Contentment” from, interestingly, The American Institute of Stress, and every single episode is about, you guessed it – stress!
In this episode with endocrinologist and research scientist Dr. David Fryburg. The following are excerpts and CliffsNotes from this conversation that talks about the toll of stress (including Covid-19) on our bodies and mental health.
Stress…as being a primary cause, in my view, of a large number of disorders: heart disease, stroke, hypertension, diabetes, also wrapped in obesity, drug abuse, etc..and some would even say the data support cancer. It has this relationship probably because stress response affects the autonomic nervous system…in terms of sympathetic over-activation, which also affects immune function.
In a nutshell, stress generates inflammation in and of itself, according to Dr. Fryburg. When we live in a state of stress, we resort to stress-reducing behaviors that try to “quench the pain,” as Fryburg goes on to add. He adds examples of these behaviors, such as alcohol, drug use, cigarettes, over-eating, decreased interest in exercise, and it all feeds together.
Stress creates a vicious cycle that starts with an event or circumstance (i.e., grief-causing event or circumstance), which creates a biological response in our bodies. What follows is the mental and physical disorders and behavioral changes. With illness come new stressors, and that’s how stress (i.e., grief) becomes a vicious cycle that feels impossible to escape – as if we don’t have a choice.
What happens as a result of this imbalance in our lives?
Discontentment. Which is unhappiness caused by the failure of one’s hopes, desires, or expectations.
And, what does this definition of discontentment tie back to?
GRIEF! By definition, grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
As I was listening to the doctor and shared in the excerpt, it’s grief at the root of what he’s sharing. Stress and grief are intertwined. You do not have one without the other. And both are compounded the longer we allow the symptoms and the behaviors to persist.
The doctor shared these expressions, which I loved…”The worse it gets, the worse it gets.” But, the flipside of this is…”The better it gets, the better it gets!”
The only word this doctor does not mention in this entire episode is the word “grief.” And this is what drives me nuts. When well-known, influential, or highly educated people fail to call so many of these things for what they are, which is GRIEF! IT’s GRIEF! I wish I could scream it at them. Because, as long as we approach whole health from a “let’s cure the stress,” we’re not getting to the root. Work on losing weight, anxiety, or hypertension all you want – you’re likely to remain under a doctor’s care for these things, and then some as symptoms progress, for years and years. But, get to the root cause of these things, and you pull the weed from the root.
Rather than adding roundup to a weed year after year, why not just pull it at the root?
Don’t you think a better approach to grief (and stress) is the same?
But, I digress. The whole point of this blog post was how do we get to contentment as grievers. And, I’ve found myself on a tangent. I’m just so passionate about this because it is my opinion that this refrain from using the word “grief” in society has gotten us to this place of chronic illness, disease, and an overwhelmed healthcare system (even before Covid-19). We don’t want to talk about it. It’s not “sexy,” it’s not a “buzz word,” when it’s the one thing every single one of us experiences.
Finding Contentment
One tool the doctor mentions to build resiliency to stress is meditation. Meditation calms the “monkey mind.” It quiets the stream of thoughts we are often not even fully conscious of, too. He also mentions dance and exercise. When it comes to exercise, it’s mentioned in the episode to take out the motivation piece and be motivated. Rather, make it be something you do, like brushing your teeth, making breakfast, or doing the dishes. I don’t know – tell that to someone who’s deep in grief or overwhelmed by stress and, they’ll scoff at the simplicity of that statement—I kind of do, to be honest. I’ve gotten on and fallen off that horse more times than I can count. I’ve just let that be okay with me. I get bored easily, and when I have weeks where I have to use a lot of mental bandwidth, I often have less in the physical arena. Those are the times where I may go for a walk or do some gentle yoga. And, it may just be that I sleep in and restore myself in that way. We’re all wired differently, so I do scoff at the simplicity of that idea. But, research also shows that it also takes time to build a habit. And, isn’t that what brushing our teeth and all of those other daily, mundane tasks are – habits, in a way?
Anyway, the actual title of the podcast episode is How Kindness Helps Us with Stress. When it comes to kindness, Dr. Fryburg shares that, in nature, beings that sacrifice for one another within a species are more than likely to flourish. He adds that the giver gets more than the receiver. Allan Luks coined this as the Helper’s High.
The process of going beyond ourselves, which also involves compassion, empathy, and caring, is what psychologists call self-transcendence. In his work of putting together his organization and program called Envision Kindness, he found that the people who volunteered (i.e., connect with others in positive ways) regularly have death rates that are 20-40% lower than those who don’t. He adds that going from contaminated water to clean water has about the same effect. In a nutshell, giving of ourselves has a substantial impact on our lives.
How does this relate to grief (because I can tie nearly everything back to grief)? Those who are isolated (or feel isolated), who don’t feel a sense of connection to others have a mortality rate (20-40%) that is about the same as if they were self-sacrificed with kindness toward others. Dr. Fryburg shares that when we engage in disconnecting activities, such as watching the news and allowing anger, fear, and ego to dominate. So, when you live in poverty or have fewer resources, this is where connection creates a bridge.
But, how do we go about creating a connection (or feeling it) with others when we’ve lost the connection we feel within ourselves?
Here’s where the episode got me excited!
It turns out; you don’t have to move mountains, make some grand gesture of self-sacrifice, quite the contrary. Just by actually seeing images/videos/content or witnessing people being kind to others (or seeing giving connection) has the same effect – just by seeing it. People feel more compassionate, generous, calmer, more grateful, and optimistic as a result.
You not only are what you eat. You are what you see. – Dr. David Fryburg
Through his work, Dr. Fryburg is working on getting more and more healthcare systems to stream kindness-focused content (in the form of video and still photos) into waiting rooms. These places are high-stress environments and, from an energetic stand-point, emotionally heavy as well. Referring back to the study that found what we see, in terms of kindness, has the same effect by doing – instantly, this changes the entire feel of the environment and the emotional state of the person seeing it. I LOVE this idea!
We can be agents of change, by our own agency, with the energy of disconnection or stress or with the energy of kindness. We have a choice. And, we have a choice when it comes to grief, too. This episode mentions how stress is contagious. There’s also a tip if you’re a dog owner. Our pups often reflect us the state of the environment in which they’re in. So, when thinking about stress being contagious – our pooches pick up on the stress as well.
What To Do When You Feel Overwhelmed
What is Dr. Fryburg’s advice for those who are overwhelmed and don’t know what to do? When you’re trying all of the things – exercise, meditation, kindness, etc.. on your own, and nothing seems to be helping?
Seek professional or guided help. There’s no shame in asking for help.
The gentlemen interviewing Dr. Fryburg even says that when we break an arm, we go to the doctor, but we’re resistant to asking and receiving that help when it comes to our emotions and mental health.
Everyone suffers from stress. However, how we respond (in the moment) may require some additional help and support.
To close, I want to share a win for a current grief recovery client of mine. I have seen, over the course of the last few weeks of going through Grief Recover One-on-One with me, communication in his relationship has improved. He’s shown up for our sessions more vibrant, lighter, and happier. The energy he brings to his sessions lately has been a reflection of the inner-work he has been doing. He continues to have opportunities open up for him in his business, and I have seen his confidence grow. He’s not quite finished, but the transformation has been my greatest joy to witness. The most significant point in bringing this to your attention? He recognized he needed support and has been open to receiving it every step of the way.
What’s important to know is that you have a choice. No matter what you do, don’t take your circumstances lying down. Take life day-by-day, set small goals for yourself that set you up for success, and seek out resources, programs, or people who can help lift you out of stress, grief, and overwhelm.
Grief Recovery isn’t the only thing out there, but it is the only program specific to grief based on evidence. Meaning, rather than being evidence (or research)-based, where parts or components of the program/method are based on practices demonstrated to be effective through research, this method/program, in its entirety, has been demonstrated through research to be effective.
I could probably write another 2200 words on this topic. More to come on this, I am sure of that! In the meantime, what do you think? Which has come first for you – stress or grief? Here to support you and sending love and light your way! Thank you for reading!
P.S. Want to experience a breakthrough as my client has? Click the Contact tab, check out the Grief Recovery info on my site, or the Grief Recovery Institute website for more information. Stress, overwhelm – and, at the end of the day, the grief that’s at the root of it doesn’t have to dictate your tomorrow. You have every power within you to direct your energy in a whole new, positive way. And, if you want to feel reprieve right now from your stress, consider a Reiki session with me (distant or in-person – in-person sessions are subject to Covid-19 precautions during this time).
Grief, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources |
There are several people I know who are going through some crappy things and life itself sucks. Well really, Covid has put a lot of people in the same camp, as far as that goes.
There is a privilege in writing that. There is also gratitude in my heart for not being in their shoes. That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t empathize with what they’re going through. And, that doesn’t mean I can’t imagine myself in their shoes, either.
There have been a few times in my life where I felt like life itself just plain sucked. There wasn’t anything that I could find good. I had gotten really good, as a kid, at finding silver linings. However, as an adult, I was getting more of a chip on my shoulder than anything else. Cynicism and sarcasm were coping mechanisms; along with alcohol and other unhelpful/hurtful things/people.
All that being said, not feeling too inspired for this week’s blog post, and reflecting on this week being National Grief Awareness Week, I found myself thinking about those who I know who are heading into the holidays and are just not feeling it. They’re not feeling festive. They’re not feeling like putting decorations up, shopping for gifts, or contemplating gatherings. It’s just not in them. Maybe this applies directly to you.
Whichever camp you’re in: everything sucks (because “rona” took a seat at your family table or literally took a dear one from the table or, all kinds of other possible horrible scenarios) versus #ronaruinseverything (where it’s the “rona” ruining your holiday and, there’s nothing tragic going on in your life other than your plans being elf-blocked) – there is something you can do today.
Just be.
When everything has sucked for me, the most thoughtful thing I did for myself was allowed myself to just be.
Be with my feelings – the anger, sadness, confusion, and everything in between.
Be with my heart – and let it speak to me through writing.
Be with my soul – and nurture it with nature, a song, or a shower (which, personal hygiene is easily the bottom of the list when life feels upside down).
Just be.
And, let that be okay. It can feel like emotional purgatory; stuck somewhere between hope and despair. And, sometimes it takes a whole lotta effort to grasp for the next best feeling. But, you can’t get there if the emotional pendulum is continually swinging toward despair either.
Take a slow, deep breath in and say to yourself: “I love myself.” Exhale everything that needs to be let go of at this moment: anger, sadness, confusion, whatever it is.
Do it again, closing your eyes.
Rinse and repeat the “Just Be” as long as you need. It’s the most loving and thoughtful thing you can do for yourself when it’s all can you muster to do.
Sending you love and light…✨
P.S. Do you need more support? There are several options in this lovely collection of offerings for this week only.
Check out the shop HERE. – NEW – there are now gift certificates available for purchase! Enter your chosen amount, continue with checkout, and I will mail you a physical gift certificate to gift someone you love and care about.
Questions? My inbox is always open here or you can schedule a free consultation, friend. 😘
Educational, Grief, Pespective |
It’s not uncommon, as a griever, to come across literature or social shares that use the following common grief labels:
- Disenfranchised Grief (ambiguous) – a loss described as being one where someone experiences a loss, however, others don’t acknowledge the importance of the loss in the person’s life. Some examples may be the death of an ex-spouse, a pet, or a co-worker. This label is also used to describe the kind of grief you have when caring for someone who has dementia or lack of physical abilities (i.e., they’re present physically but not otherwise).
- Complicated (Traumatic or Prolonged) Grief – becomes severe in longevity and significantly impairs the ability to function. Warning signs from someone experiencing Traumatic Grief are described as self-destructive behavior, deep and persistent feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, violent outbursts, or radical lifestyle changes.
- Anticipatory Grief – described as grief that a caregiver, for example, may experience once someone you love gets a significant diagnosis or the health of a loved one begins to deteriorate. Additionally described as the loss of the future you thought you would have or could’ve had with the loved one.
There are many others, including but not limited to: chronic grief, cumulative grief, distorted grief, exaggerated grief, collective grief, abbreviated, or absent grief.
My thoughts on all of these labels? They’re just that – labels – like “Betty Crocker” or “Pillsbury.”
GRIEF IS GRIEF
That’s all there is to it. Regardless of the loss experienced, the timeframe in which it happened, or how long it’s been since the event took place – all loss equals one word = grief. There need not be any fluffy words put in front of it. There need not be any labels placed on you as a griever to help you “understand” what you’re feeling. You already know what you’re feeling. These labels do nothing to lessen the blow, the pain, or the duration of the pain.
These labels actually drive me a little nuts. And, it is some of the most highly educated people who adopted or created these labels (such as anticipatory grief). And, many more highly educated people continue to apply these labels to grievers, too. If every highly educated adult in mental health read the book, The Grief Recovery Handbook, they would understand that labels aren’t necessary. And, in fact, they would also understand that they can actually do more harm than good. Also, they’re simply unhelpful.
So, as you go through the rest of the Covid sh*t-storm, have maybe even said goodbye to a loved one because of it, understand that your grief doesn’t require a label to be felt or understood. In fact, for the grief in others to be understood, we must first understand our own. Even those that create and write these labels, likely don’t understand their own. Because if they had, they would know there’s only one label for what you’re feeling – and it’s not a label at all – it’s an emotion in and of itself.
Also, I have no doubts that someone, desiring a name for themself, will conduct some sort of Covid-19 grief research and create a new label as a result. When this happens, which it will (call it a premonition), refer back to this blog post as it is written, this the 27th of November, 2020, that I say:
Grief is grief. It is an emotion that requires no other label.
Wrapping you in love and light.
P.S. What do you think? Have you found labels like these unhelpful? Share your thoughts in the comments. And, if you enjoyed this post, please share it with a griever you know that may need to hear that grief is a normal and natural response to a loss of any kind – any other label is just that. If you need help you can contact me and see how I can help or you can visit The Unleashed Heart site for more details.
Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Stories, Growth, Pespective |
Have you seen the Netflix Series, Cobra Kai? It’s a follow-up comedy-drama to the characters of The Karate Kid, the coming of age movies from the 1980s.
My husband had started watching it, and not intending to, I actually got into it myself. It’s actually pretty funny at parts, but too, is relatable as many of us grow up not being the popular kid in school. Many kids also have parents who shoot down their dreams; even parents that take it further and put them down.
Watching the show inspired this blog post, along with many of the conversations I’ve been having lately with grievers for my podcast, Grieving Voices.
Grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve heard stories of all kinds of loss. The one common thread through many losses is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
Whether it’s been a career you didn’t chase, a degree you put on the back-burner, a child born with special needs, or chronic illness that has taken over every aspect of your life – there is a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
Which is…what again?
GRIEF!
The Cobra Kai series takes the viewer back to the character’s “glory days,” past and present decisions made, and experiences in the present that cause “flashbacks” if you will. We all experience these moments as adults. As kids, many of us have felt, at one time or another, that our lives were meant to go a certain way based on our current reality, or we had some sort of expectation (or hope) of how life would turn out.
As a kid, I wasn’t coordinated. I did not have athletic ability. As I’ve watched this series, I related to the kids who had been picked on and had my own flashback moment. Even watching the latest season of Bachelorette, where Clare shared how she was teased as a kid, is something that has stuck with her and, I resonated with her story. There are a lot of hurting people out in the world hurting people by being bullies. And, bullies aren’t just on the playground. They’re by the water cooler, in the public restroom, at the checkout line, sitting in the cubical next to you, or maybe even in your own home.
I am not making this blog post out to be a pity-party. I’ve learned to flip that script. I feel strong in body but more importantly, far stronger in mind – mentally and emotionally. But, what if you don’t?
Were you an insecure kid? Or, did you start out with confidence but then life-experiences later in life change all that?
How do you repair the feelings associated with a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations (i.e, grief)?
The action steps of doing just that are what we do in grief recovery.
Don’t let grief that originated from the past dictate your future. Do you want to put 2020 in the rearview and begin 2021 with an emotional clean slate? Email me about how I can help you go into 2021 by shedding the layers keeping the authentic you hidden behind the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
