Childhood Grief, Death/Dying, Educational, Grief, Growth, Pespective, Resources |
Do you believe that you are forever going to feel sad, isolated, or in your current circumstances?
Do you believe that others have their lives figured out and don’t understand how you feel?
Does it feel true that who you thought you were has been upheaved and that you’ve been shaken at your foundation?
Six years ago, I embarked on a path of some deep excavation. It’s often been painful, but I have found that the excavating hasn’t been nearly as painful as the emotional dis-ease I had been feeling. With each passing year, I’ve learned how to be more conscious of my thought process, actions, and it’s gotten a lot easier to recognize when I start down an emotional tailspin. It’s gotten so much easier to snap out of it, too. Whereas, years ago, circumstances and my internal emotional climate would have derailed me for weeks. When you’ve had your entire life to form your beliefs and behaviors through experience and circumstances, it becomes a project of rewiring your brain and creating new connections.
I held those beliefs I shared previously. I felt I was destined to feel crazy for the rest of my life. Back then, it was a program that helped me snap out of it. In 2014, I discovered Tony Robbins. Through his work and the inner-work, I started to get sick of my own self. I started to learn new ways of BE-ING. I started to ask myself deeper (and better) questions.
Finding our way to our best selves, the heart of who we’ve always been isn’t a complicated process. But, it does take time, and it does take commitment to yourself. When I say it takes time, you don’t have to spend hours a day every day of the week. Starting small is still a start. Whether you incorporate one thing into your daily life, such as journaling, meditation, yoga, a daily walk (to think and let your mind go or listen to insightful/inspiring podcasts), or a simple breathing practice (which is actually more challenging than meditation for me), another option is to add in a regular Reiki Guided Healing Meditation session (followed by receiving reiki). This is a powerful session (60 or 90 minutes) that takes you to a depth of self that you have likely never experienced. And, after next weekend, I’ll be able to offer an even more elevated Reiki session after I complete my Usui Karuna Holy Fire Certification.
If you’d like to dig into the depths of heart even more deeply (and with an end date of the work you’ll do that is proven to provide results), we can work together online. You may feel that grief recovery isn’t for you. However, ask yourself how many losses you’ve had.
Do you want to discover losses that may be holding you back in your life? Below, I have a questionnaire that will help you discover what may be keeping you tied to the past. I provided this document at speaking events, and it helps understand how grief isn’t just about death. You’ll receive the download immediately!
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I want you to feel hope, more than anything. For years, I had lost it, and I know the impact that had on my spirit. There is help, and there are resources out there. Know that you are worth the investment in yourself.
What is emotional freedom, feeling aligned inside, and having a deeper understanding of your past, so the same beliefs and behavior patterns don’t repeat themselves – worth to you?
Here for you – always.
Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Reiki |
Have you felt like you’ve been on a rollercoaster ride, emotionally, lately?
I have.
My kids are now home due to COVID. So, aside from that, and all the other things come with life, work, and business, I’m tired. And, I know I’m not alone.
One thing that I’ve found that has helped me not to lose my marbles lately is taking at least 45 minutes every morning for myself. Every weekday, I do a workout. Periodically, I give myself Reiki. One day this week, I also journaled. The point is, taking time for my body, my heart, and my mindset has dramatically kept me from lashing out in frustration.
How often, though, do we go about our day without making our body, heart, and mindset a priority? How often do we lax on our self-awareness and go about our day mindlessly? A lot.
I recall many times throughout my life, where the littlest things would set me off. This response is not uncommon to us when we feel as if we’re on an emotional rollercoaster. So, how do you suppose this quick-to-anger, being easily poked by the bear – way of being is impacting your life, work, and business if you have one?
Back when I had my first business, I was struggling in a lot of ways emotionally. I was having physical symptoms, including unexplained body aches, headaches, and hair loss. Also, I had or have never been diagnosed with anxiety. However, since having a better understanding of our energy, I look back in hindsight and recognize that the physical angst I would often feel was anxiety. Even today, when my thoughts start to tailspin around overwhelm (which I’ve come to learn is due to lack of prioritizing) and the future, I begin to have episodes of heart arrhythmia and feel like I could jump out of my skin. Again, I don’t know if this is what anxiety feels like to those diagnosed, but this is when I know I am out of energetic balance.
I’ve come to understand that grief and energy go hand-in-hand. I do feel that is why Reiki found me after going through the grief recovery program and starting to unravel the years of emotional dis-ease I had carried.
When I look back on the years when I first joined the workforce at 14 and onward, I recognize (with new awareness) what emotional dis-ease (i.e., grief) has cost me. There were many jobs I never applied at because I didn’t feel like I had a snowball’s chance in you know what of getting the job. I also got so scared about the future, finances, and all the things when it came to college. I spent a weekend in a dorm when I turned 18 to pack the car and leave before ever giving myself a chance. I gave up on myself before I even tried. And, all because of fear and money.
I did not trust myself. I did not understand intuition and how to tap into it. I always looked to the external for affirmation that I was doing the right thing or looking for permission or just someone to tell me what to do. It was this confusion, and yet, also a knowing that I could do hard things that led me to join the military. If money was the problem in attending college, well then, I found my solution. What I didn’t realize was that I still had to pay that money upfront (which, I believe, is still the case).
I’ve learned to become resourceful through struggle, but I’ve also learned how to be resilient. That said, it’s taken me decades to dig in and tap into how to utilize my resourcefulness and resiliency. You see, when we’re emotionally suffering, it’s often difficult to see potential and possibility – in ourselves. Our minds become a fog of illusion that we’re okay and fine. However, if we take a birds-eye view of our life, we often see that we have blocks that keep us repeating the same self-sabotaging behaviors. Or, we become hyper-focused on performance, results, and outcomes – all the while neglecting ourselves and those we love (hello, burnout)!
Below is a rundown list of all the ways, I believe, emotional dis-ease creates blocks and hinders our progress in life and business. These are ways I self-identify with, and I am sure there are many more I haven’t thought of that I could add. If this list resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you! I’m curious if there are others I haven’t included that you found to be true for you?
The Ways Emotional Dis-Ease Impacts Life & Business
- self-worth issues
- questioning/second-guessing every decision or difficulty making decisions
- seeking outside validation/affirmation
- unable to see other perspectives
- lack of discernment
- physical symptoms
- money drama – money comes, money goes // lack of growth in account or savings
- quick to anger
- fractured relationships
- difficulty connecting with others
- feeling like others are out to get you // victim mindset
- trust issues
- lack of self-awareness or not conscious of your physical body // desire to “numb-out.”
- avoid important issues within life or business
- not sure what you value
- don’t see the value you bring to others
- lack mindset // inability to see opportunities
- difficulty focusing/concentrating
- procrastination // difficulty prioritizing & planning
The more of these that resonate with you, the more likely you’ve got some emotional weeds in your heart garden that need some tending and pulling. With each weed we pull, we’re clearing out space for more beauty to enter and unfold in our lives.
There is hope on the other side of all of this. I’ve been having some wonderful conversations with some incredible healing hearts for my podcast, Grieving Voices. And, these guests have proven this to me over and over. There’s no such thing as joy or sorrow – the two co-exist within a matter of moments of each other. However, when the scales tip further one way than the other in a way that doesn’t sit right with you, then you have a choice to do something about it.
There is no timeline for healing emotional dis-ease. However, how much time are you willing to give sorrow? How much of your life are you ready to gamble? We all reach a point where we get sick of our own crap. My friend, that’s when the magic happens. That fire in your belly for wanting more for yourself and your loved ones – it’s the stuff that dreams are made of, and we often give up on our dreams before we give ourselves a chance. We often don’t think there’s hope.
Take your life by the horns, my friend. It’s waiting for you. Will there always be painful and challenging things that put a boulder in your way? Of course. Life isn’t a fairy tale or movie. But, why write the final chapter before you’ve lived all the chapters in-between? Resiliency is learned through experience and growth, a by-product of suffering. I don’t care which way you slice it. It’s just some people are more willing to allow the unfolding than others. Fear and resistance keep the rest stuck in the past.
The future will not be found in the past. It took me 30+ years to discover this. That said, our pain often becomes our message. And, maybe that’s just a part of my walk here on earth. I don’t know. As a podcast guest stated recently, “I feel more awake now than ever.” And you know what, this woman lost her 17-month-old son suddenly. A loss I cannot even fathom. So, please don’t take it from me; tune in to the podcast and hear the stories of hope for yourself—just incredible stories I am honored to share with listeners. I feel so inspired by their faith and trust in what is possible for them. And, for a time (like myself), they didn’t see it for themselves, either.
There are gifts of grief (i.e., emotional dis-ease/suffering). Get empowered by what is possible, regain emotional control of your life (and body), and watch that list above fade into the rearview.
P.S. Need a lifeline of hope? Reach out to me. Here to serve and create more healing ripples in the world.
Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, Reiki, Resources |
Carrying grief is exhausting. It ripples into every corner of your life, dimming our light and brightness along the way.
Grief is a burden we all shoulder, and despite the passage of time and positive thinking, we are unable to bury it or wish it away.
And many of us do not even realize this load on our shoulders; causing us to snap at our loved ones and reach for food, alcohol, and other crutches to numb and pacify ourselves for a short time.
Grief is not spoken about and because of this, we don’t even realize how it is preventing us from living the life we desire to lead.
Have a listen to my guest appearance on
Michelle’s Podcast in preparation for this workshop. This is a great conversation where ample examples are given of the different ways grief presents itself.
My beautiful friend, Michelle Marsh (Aromonosis Coach + Facilitator, Podcaster, Writer, and Natural Living Advocate) is bringing me into her community to hold a Grief Healing Aromanosis Experience. With her expertise in the area of hypnosis, aromatherapy, and holistic wellness, and mine in all things grief + reiki, we are bringing our hearts together to facilitate this very special healing workshop.
Is this workshop for you? If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you may already identify yourself as a griever. If not, I encourage you to check out my podcast, Grieving Voices, where I offer bite-sized, weekly grief education.
Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss or any change from what is familiar in life. It is the emotional response to change. It can be defined as a feeling associated with the things we wish might have been different, better, or more in any relationship. Whether it is with a person, a pet, a job, an educational experience, or even a place of residence doesn’t matter. Grief can be a result of unmet hopes, dreams, and expectations in any relationship as well.
The Ways Grief Manifests
Some people find that the confusing feelings that grief generates interfere with sleep, while others find it challenging to get up and function after waking up.
Some people find that they feel sad or cry over things that never seemed to bother them before.
Many find themselves longing for that relationship lost, and others find, especially when they discover that friends seem to be able to offer little meaningful help, that they lose some of their ability to trust others.
Some find themselves easily irritated, while others do not have the energy to feel much of anything.
For some, the memories leading up to and including the moment of loss overshadow all of their fond memories of that relationship.
Simply stated, grief can be overwhelming! Just as overwhelming can be the labels that are put on grievers and the advice that they are given.
To gain FREE access to the LIVE workshop, enter your details below and I will send you the Zoom link on Monday, September 14th. The workshop will be at 7:00 AM CST on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020. My friend, Michelle, is located in Australia, where it will be evening. No worries – by signing up, you’ll receive the recording! However, if you can make it LIVE, it is highly recommended. 😉
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You can learn more about Michelle and her Aromanosis Membership HERE. For questions about the Aromanosis Membership, email Michelle directly.
Educational, Grief, Resources |
Sunday, August 30th is National Grief Awareness Day.
I thought I would share, in today’s post, the different types of grieving events.
In 1967, Dr. Thomas Holmes and Dr. Richard Rahe, both psychiatrists, researched the medical records of 5000 patients to look at the correlation between their levels of emotional stress and their illnesses. They created the Social Readjustment Rating Scale, also known as the Holmes Rahe Stress Scale, which was used as a scoring mechanism to rate the various stress indicators as part of their study. This list, commonly known as the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, is considered a definitive ranking system.
The Grief Recovery Institute often states that “stress” is another word for “grief.” The Grief Recovery Institute defines grief as:
Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior; the normal and natural reaction to any change that occurs in life.
While it may be helpful in the therapeutic setting to use a numerical ranking scale in looking at stressors related to their impact on medical conditions, this serves no purpose when used in the context of those events that can result in grief. It’s also important to remember that each individual grieves at 100% for their particular loss. There is no need or value to rate one grief-generating event as having more impactful than another since the grief that each person feels is based on his or her own unique situation.
We have all been in situations where we have heard someone say, “you may think your situation is bad, but mine is even worse!” Comparing losses does nothing to help with recovery. To suggest to Griever A that his or her loss is less significant than that of Grievers B only creates more emotional pain for Griever A, in that they may feel the need to further internalize their feelings since they have been told they are of lesser value. Our focus, in grief recovery, has always been that grievers are far better served in taking recovery actions, rather than in arguing over who is hurting the most!
Below you will find the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale for Adults. Some events, such as marriage, may bring to mind more memories of joy than pain. In this case, we need to remember that there is grief associated with changes from normal behavior patterns, of which there can be many in moving from “single” to “married.”
Grieving Events
- Death of a spouse
- Divorce
- Marital separation
- Imprisonment
- Death of a close family member
- Sexual assault
- Domestic Violence
- Runaway child
- Missing child
- Pet loss
- Personal injury or illness
- Marriage
- Dismissal from work
- Marital reconciliation
- Retirement
- Change in health of family member
- Pregnancy
- Sexual difficulties
- Sexuality
- Gain a new family member
- Business readjustment
- Change in financial state
- Death of a close friend
- Change to a different line of work
- Change in frequency of arguments
- Major mortgage
- Foreclosure of mortgage or loan
- Change in responsibilities at work
- Child leaving home
- Trouble with in-laws
- Outstanding personal achievement
- Spouse starts or stops work
- Begin or end school
- Change in living conditions
- Revision of personal habits
- Trouble with boss
- Change in working hours or conditions
- Change in residence
- Change in schools
- Change in recreation
- Change in church activities
- Change in social activities
- Minor mortgage or loan
- Change in sleeping habits
- Change in number of family reunions
- Change in eating habits
- Vacation
- Holidays
- Minor violation of law
- Loss of Trust, Loss of Approval, Loss of Safety and Loss of Control of my body
The greatest value to this listing is in helping people understand that grief is not just about death. Stress and stressful events come in many packages, which is true for grief as well.
A slightly modified version of this Stress Scale was created for those over 55, to reflect those life events that come with aging. In many ways, this scale is similar to the one for adults, but it likewise fails to mention the same stressors and grief causing events that are noted above.
- Death of a Spouse
- Divorce
- Nursing/Retirement Home Move
- Marital Separation
- Death of Close Family Member
- Major Physical Problems
- Marriage or Remarriage
- Lack of Dreams/Purpose
- Financial Loss of Retirement
- Forced Early Retirement
- Unable to Drive
- Marital Reconciliation
- Normal Retirement
- Spouse Confined to Retirement Home
- Family Member Change of Health
- Gain New Family Member
- Change in Financial State
- Death of Close Friend
- Difficulty in Getting Insurance
- Change in Arguments with Spouse
- Mortgage Over $100,000
- Foreclosure of Mortgage/Loan
- Sense of Not Being Needed
- Outstanding Personal Achievement
- Spouse Begins or Stops Work
- Decreased Contact Family/Friends
- Change in Personal Habits
- Less Contact with Support Groups
- Trouble with Boss/Work
- Minor Physical Problems
- Change in Recreation Habits
- Change in Church Activities
- Change in Social Activities
- Loans of Less than $100,000
- Change in Sleeping Habits
- Change in Family Gatherings
- Change in Eating Habits
- Vacations Christmas
- Minor Law Violation
Yet another version of this scale was developed for, so-called, “Non-Adults.” Just as is the case with the “Adult Scale,” there are many additions that could be made to this list for grieving experiences for children, based on their unique relationships and level of development. This list also fails to include elements of child abuse on any level, sexual matters, bullying, and cyberbullying or such things as loss of Safety, Approval, Faith or personal control.
- Death of parent
- Unplanned pregnancy/abortion
- Getting married
- Divorce of parents
- Acquiring a visible deformity
- Fathering a child
- Jail sentence of a parent for over one year
- Marital separation of parents
- Death of a brother or sister
- Change in acceptance by peers
- Unplanned pregnancy of sister
- Discovery of being an adopted child
- Marriage of parent to step-parent
- Death of a close friend
- Having a visible congenital deformity
- Serious illness requiring hospitalization
- Failure of a grade in school
- Not making an extracurricular activity
- Hospitalization of a parent
- Jail sentence of a parent for over 30 days
- Breaking up with boyfriend or girlfriend
- Beginning to date
- Suspension from school
- Becoming involved with drugs or alcohol
- Birth of a brother or sister
- Increase in arguments between parents
- Loss of job by parent
- Outstanding personal achievement
- Change in parent’s financial status
- Accepted at college of choice
- Being a senior in high school
- Hospitalization of a sibling
- Increased absence of a parent from home
- Brother or sister leaving home
- Addition of third adult to family
- Becoming a full-fledged member of a church
- A decrease in arguments between parents
- A decrease in arguments with parents
- Mother or father beginning work
Taking Action
A very important point to remember is that it is one thing to realize that these are events that can bring stress and grief into your life, and quite another thing to take action. Most people carry around a great deal of grief that they hold inside. Unlike a broken arm or leg that is made obvious by a cast, a broken heart is far less easy to see. As with a broken limb, we take action to heal the wound…action is also needed to heal a broken heart; time alone doesn’t heal a wound, action within time is required.
The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale was first utilized in looking at the strong correlation between the stressors that impact people’s lives and their actual medical issues. People under stress are more prone to a variety of medical complications. Reducing your stress/grief can have a positive impact on your physical well being.
Our focus, at the Grief Recovery Institute, is in moving beyond the emotional pain of loss. The Grief Recovery Method is a proven, step-by-step process for accomplishing this. It’s designed to help people deal not only with past and current issues regarding the stress of grief, but also to provide the tools to deal with future issues, as they develop.
In Closing
As previously stated, the value of these lists is in reminding everyone that there are many life events that potentially cause grief. Society most often thinks of grief as death-related. However, as I hope you can see now, it’s a far broader topic than just being about death. And, if you really think about it, grief is everywhere. Most people you encounter in your daily life have lost someone or something; they grieve something or someone. Whether there is a relationship they wish would be/could’ve been different, better, or more, or grieve the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations for the relationship – these things cause dis-ease in our hearts. It’s often, not until it’s one loss too many when we realize we’re not okay. And, you know what, that’s okay. The sad, angry, conflicting feelings all have value. Those feelings are your indicator that there is healing that needs to be done. And, when you’re ready…you know where to find me.
P.S. On June 30th, 2020, my podcast Grieving Voices launched! So far, I’ve shared eight educational episodes, and very soon, I will be sharing conversations with other grievers. Be a fly on the wall of our conversation, as grievers give voice to their losses, what they wish would have been there for them, how they wish others would have responded or said – all with the goal of educating all of us on how to better support grievers. And, in doing so, bring normalcy to what we experience in grief. It’s time we talk about grief like we talk about the weather!
P.P.S. Monday, August 31st is National Overdose Awareness Day. If you, or someone you know, is struggling with substance abuse, check out the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website. Their National Helpline Number is: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
*Portions of this post are adapted from The Grief Recovery Institute Blog
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources |
YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN!
If your days have been feeling as though they’re all running together – know that today is FRIDAY! Woohoo! I hope you can find some joy this weekend.
If you feel like every person you cross paths with is cranky, rude, or negative – know that their emotional gunk isn’t yours. But, it may help you feel better to continue to be you. Don’t dim your positivity for the sake of making the other person feel comfortable. I’ve been on the other side of this. I’m sure you have, too. You’re in a cranky mood, and someone you speak to is just full of smiles and joy and, you wonder to yourself: “How can you be so damn happy all of the time?” And, you know what? It’s more of a reflection of ourselves. We can project our joy onto others, or we can project our pain.
And, I realize that’s the difficulty. I’ve written about telling the emotional truth about ourselves many times before. Yet, here I am saying that if you’re feeling negative, not to mention the emotional truth about yourself- not to project it onto others. However, there’s a difference between telling the emotional truth and treating others poorly because we feel – emotionally deficient.
We will not always be happy – about our life situation, the state of the world, a decision that’s been made, our health, the weather – you name it. However, if we can acknowledge, within ourselves, that which isn’t working, feeling right, or aligning our soul with joy, and meet that hurt within us with compassion, then we are more equipped to share the truth – without mistreating others in the process.
As we start to work through our emotional stuff (and continue to do so), we are less affected by others’ emotional dis-ease. And, I can tell you, I am much quicker to recognize now (because I keep applying grief recovery to my life) when I am a projector of the negative. I have learned that that’s when it’s time to step out of my head and into my heart, and know where there’s emotional work to do. As a result, this makes me a happier person – in my skin and to be around.
Life is for learning. When you feel like you’ve messed up – apologize. When you feel like you’re at your breaking point – step away, take a break, and hit the reset button. Ask yourself what you can do in the situation rather than focusing on what is out of your hands (I’ve been doing my darndest to put this one into practice as of late).
We are in community with each other whether we like it or not. So, rather than fret over others whom you can’t change, fret over a situation that’s frustrating the, you know what, out of you, and being frustrated with yourself – hit reset. Sometimes, we need to be alone – not in community with others, to do just that. When we’re in each other’s spaces, we’re also in each other’s energy. You’re doing the best you can steeping in everyone’s energy. But the most important person’s energy you need to pay attention to – is your own.
I know it’s not easy these days to manage our own energy either. I had been struggling with this, too. And, you know – I gave myself Reiki. True story. I gave myself Reiki before bed a few nights recently, and despite having fewer hours of sleep, I had better quality sleep. Another thing that feels like a reset at the end of the day? A shower. Yup. Sounds silly, as the majority of the people I know typically shower in the morning. However, I prefer to shower at night. You literally wash away the stress of the day down the drain and crawl into bed, feeling refreshed (and reset).
So today, I want you to pat yourself on the back that yes, you are doing the best you can. And, I hope this helps you to reflect on your energy and the energy of those around you. How is the energy of others affecting you? How is your energy affecting those around you, too? When I feel good, I influence those around me to feel better, also.
Even if it may seem annoying to others who project their pain on others (because they’re not tapped into their energy and their impact it has) – work on a reset for YOU. This reset is the best thing you can do this Friday and throughout the weekend, before the start of a new week.
Set the intention today for a fantastic weekend, regardless of the chaos that may be ensuing around you. Turn off the phone if you need to. Get a hotel room or an Airbnb by yourself for a night, if you need to. Take a drive on the backroads, or in the country, and photograph what you find along the way. Take a lawn chair and sit by the lake (or the ocean) and steep in the stillness.
Reset for your energy (and your mindset), so you can continue to do the best you can! And, if you need help with an emotional reset for life, reach out to me. I know the program that’s perfect for doing just that. 😉
P.S. Are you looking for support for a grieving child in your care? I am looking for four participants to walk through the NEW online group program, Helping Children with Loss. We meet on Zoom only four times – once a week, for no more than 2 1/2 hours each time. And know that there’s lots of material to cover. You won’t be a silent listener (bored out of your mind) as I lecture each week for four weeks. It’s participatory and engaging content, where you interact with others in the group, and learn some new skills and tools to utilize for the rest of your life. This program is prevention, so whether you’re a parent, daycare provider, social worker, school faculty, a child therapist looking for more knowledge around grief specifically, or work in the foster care/adoption system – this program is for you – the adult. The first group will be offered at a discounted rate, which will allow me to make sure all of my systems and processes are correctly in place and that there aren’t any hiccups—interested in learning more? Please email me at [email protected] or message via the Contact tab.
I look forward to sharing this amazing program with you – for the better of the child(ren) in your life!
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Pespective |
Why Grief Keeps Us Stuck
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
We can’t heal the heart with the head.
In this episode, we dig into why this is and, you will learn:
- How grief cuts us off from our intuition
- Impact of belief systems
- The root of unhappiness
- 8 unhelpful, often hurtful, ways society responds to grievers
In the next episode, the six myths of grief (and misinformation) will be revealed.
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
Episode Transcription
Hey there, welcome to this week’s episode where I will be talking about why and how grief keeps us stuck. If you didn’t catch last week’s episode, I discussed really define grief is probably a definition that you’ve likely never heard. So if you miss that episode, go back to that. And this is the second episode of what I think will be a 10 part series we will see. There’s so much I would love to share. So, it may be more than that, but I’m planning 10 episodes of education around grief.
So let’s get started talking about how and why grief gets us stuck or keeps us stuck rather. In our brain is our intellect like our mind is our intellect. And if we think about like, I often think about like my own intuition is like just not necessarily in my brain. Not in my mind, but kind of like, this intangible force that’s kind of out there in a way like it’s; t’s like it’s the deepest connection to my spirit that I feel – is when I feel like I am fully tapped into my intuition. Now you might be thinking, what in the world does this have to do with grief? And I’ll get to that, but more than you may think. So, we have our intellect; we have our intuition. And then we have within our whole our hearts, our grief energy, right, within our bodies is this emotional energy that we tend to store. Because as you’ll learn I as this series goes on, we either implode or we explode as a result of our emotional energy.
For today’s episode, I’m talking about how grief actually cuts us off from our ability to tap into our own spirit and our own intuition to this force that opens us up to our potential. Really, by the time we are 15 years old, we have received more than 20,000 messages on how to deal with grief. And you know, the reason why I’m so passionate about this work is and why I’m so passionate about education around grief is that it touches us all, first of all, and it starts in childhood; caregivers, parents – it starts with us at home, to send the messages that are positive and supportive and to be open to allowing children to express themselves fully. And not labeling those emotions or whatever as bad or negative or what have you. Because all feelings are valid, all feelings are valid. If we consider that we experience loss, on average statistically, every nine to 13 years, we are bound for grief like we are born into this world as impending grievers. Right? We – there’s going to be grief. And because all relationships are unique, our feelings around the relationships are unique. You know, it’s our recovery. It is also unique.
Getting back to like the intellect aspect, and how we try to, first of all, you cannot heal the heart with the brain. Because if we think about our minds and our intellect, we are always right. Like, we always feel like we are always right. Because we have this belief system that has been ingrained in us by the time we are 15. By the age of two to three, we’ve received 75% of the messages and information about grief. And by 15, we’ve received the remaining 20. And so we got 95% logic, right this, this internal logic and belief system. Then there’s this like 5% of our intuition and our spirit force, as the guidance system within us, but when we resort to our intellect and logic, it’s this automatic critical response. And we’re always going to feel that we are always right. And so when it comes to grief, we will intellectually look in the past, and 10% may be fun memories, 90% maybe regret. And if we’re not in the present moment, we might be in the future, right? 10% we might be planning 90% we might be worrying.
Unhappiness comes from an attempt to be in any moment, other than the present moment. That is what emotional jail is. If we cannot live in the present moment, and that’s what grief kind of steals from us. It just it either keeps us in the past, ruminating and stewing on the stories, mostly with regret, and other feelings that get wrapped in with grief, or we’re looking to the future. With the worry of what’s to come of, what if this? What if we receive more education about simple first aid than we do about death, divorce, and any other emotional loss?
There over 8 million Grievers every year, and 14 million pets die every year. And we have been taught how to acquire things, but not what to do when we lose them. My point overarching message in this podcast episode is that grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain. So we cannot heal the heart with the head because it’s the wrong tool for the job. It’s like trying to paint with a hammer. It just makes a mess. We need to stop these intellectual connections from overpowering our emotional truth. Right? It comes back to that – to the, to our brain box, to our, our minds, our belief system, our logic. And so when we translate this to – why is this keeping me stuck? When you’re focusing on the intellectual and talking to others, you try to communicate about your grief to others; you’re communicating to another griever. They have their own belief system. They have their own automatic critical response. They have been cut off themselves from their own intuition because of their grief. They have received their own messages by the age of 15. They’re stuck in their own past of regret or fond memories, and worry of the future, and likely are not living in the present moment either. And so we have these expectations of how another will respond to us. But expectations are planned disappointments.
What we get back as feedback instead are these intellectual responses that aren’t helpful and, unintentionally, are hurtful because they don’t understand what to say. They’re afraid of our feelings. They try to change the subject. They intellectualize. They don’t hear us. They don’t want to talk about death; also, professional distortions, you know, where medically you go in – you’re having some issues, feeling depressed. They want to give you a pill. I can speak to that, you know, when I had postpartum – let’s, let’s give you a pill. It’s grief.
And then there are those two that want us to keep our faith, right? But faith and feelings are two different things. Grievers need to be heard. They don’t need to be fixed. But because of all the messages that we receive in our childhood. Because of the education, we receive about everything else other than grief. Because we have our own intellect, in our own grieving experiences that we haven’t dealt with many of us, is it any surprise then that we approach others in their grief, with logic and our own lens of what we see in their grief? We try to relate, but that trying to relate only likely creates more pain for the person.
We cannot hold space and be there for somebody grieving if we have not allowed ourselves to grieve. The capacity to hold space and be a heart with yours is a direct reflection of our own inner work that we have done for our grief experiences. In my experience with grief, 30 plus years, I only in the last year, have felt this inner knowing that I am on the path that I’m, I’m supposed to be on. I feel like the next steps are literally shown to me, as I’ve been working through my grief and the various relationships that have felt incomplete for me or have been emotionally incomplete. For me, it’s allowed me to fully tap into my spirit, my intuition, my force if you will. That’s, I think when you really know, you’re starting to heal. But it’s just the beginning because this work doesn’t end. After all, we always will have loss in our lives.
I hope this episode sheds some light on why you may be stuck in your grief. Hopefully, you gleaned some nuggets that will get you thinking. Because having awareness around our emotional truth is when we realize that something needs to change. So I thank you for listening today. Next week, I will start to dive into the myths of grief. There are six of them. I have not decided yet if each one will get its own episode. I yeah, not sure yet. So we’ll see. But I hope you tune in for that. Until next time, take care from my heart to yours. Thank you for listening.
If you liked this episode, please share it because sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours and if you’re hurting, know that What you’re feeling is normal and natural. Much love, my friend.
