Listen to Your Body Talk
The body always talks. Our bodies are our alarm system to something not being right. And, when experiencing grief, our bodies definitely talk to us. When we are feeling anxious or worried, our minds often swirl the same thought patterns over and over. In response, our bodies reply to those thought patterns. For every person, the symptoms will present differently, however, may be similar as well.
Common Physical Grief Symptoms
Since I started grief recovery work, there have been similarities in symptoms that clients have shared with me that were like my own. For example, when I had my “mid-life unraveling,” I was experiencing overall body aches, hair loss, weight loss, stomach/gut issues (often with bloat), fatigue, etc.. After going down numerous rabbit holes with my doctor, what came of all of that was that my body was “Epstein-Barr Reactive.” Meaning, the mono virus was reactivated in my body, however, blood work was showing that I did not have mono. Also, around those years, I ended up having three colon polyps removed.
Grief manifests in our bodies; no doubt about it. And, because most of us will not identify ourselves as grievers, we suffer from what we believe are “medical mysteries” with no explanation, and, begin to feel a little crazy in the process. Also, “traditional” doctors are not going to ask you about your emotional state, are they? They’re not going to ask you about your “loss history,” are they? So, the mind-body connection is rarely (if ever) made in a traditional doctor’s office, even though boat-loads of medical research point to how our minds and bodies are connected in amazing, brilliant ways.
The disconnect comes where our ego is. The disconnect comes from our inability to get out of our minds and into our hearts. And, there’s this assistance of resistance to that which is painful and traumatic. We simply don’t want to “re-live” or “re-hash” what we’ve experienced. I often hear this from those who are not ready to dig deep and work through the muck. And hey, that was me, too, for a very (very) long time. But, if you would be honest with yourself (as I wish I would have been years earlier), you would see that not “re-hashing” and sitting in the muck, is only keeping you stuck in various areas of your life, negatively impacting your health and relationships, and probably taking years off of your life.
That which we don’t acknowledge (or refuse to) festers like a sore that won’t heal. And, over time, we tend to pick at the scab. However, when we’ve picked just a bit too much and it starts to sting a bit; we retreat, pull back, and leave it well enough alone. Because picking away any more is just plain painful.
A Car Analogy
Over the past five years, I have learned a lot about how my body responds to stressors. I’ve learned what I need to feel recharged, not depleted, and balanced. It’s still something I am working towards because, kids, life, work, side -hustle all require mental, emotional, and physical energy. If we think of our bodies as a fuel tank, we start to think more about our bodies as the cars we drive. We take our cars in for oil changes, tune-up’s, balance the tires, keep the fluids filled, etc.. However, this same common sense care and maintenance goes out the window when we think about ourselves and self-care. We take better care of our autos than we do our one body that we don’t get a re-do with; we can’t trade our one body in for another newer, better-equipped model. Nope, one shot – one life.
So, just as we take great care in ensuring our automobile lasts for the long-haul, so too, we need to consider how we’re taking care of ourselves for the long-haul. What is your heart needing? What is your mind fighting your heart against today?
I recently heard a pretty probing question posed by the author Hal Elrod who wrote the book Miracle Morning on a podcast episode. He said: “Is my life a reflection of who I want to be or a reaction to those who I don’t want to upset?” I bring this question up because often it is our relationships with the living that often cause us the most grief. And, this grief manifests in our bodies. What we hold in, emotionally, will always come out in one of two ways; we either implode (health issues) or we explode (emotional outbursts/anger/relationship problems/etc.). If you answer that question and, you’re walking through life on eggshells; reacting to life and attempting to not upset anyone, what do you think that this doing to your heart? What do you think that is doing to you emotionally? It likely feels like an emotional rollercoaster, filled with highs, lows, and a lot of stressors in-between. And, we all know what stress does to us – mentally, emotionally, and physically, right?
Heart vs Mind
My body responds to stress with increased heart rate, negatively impacted sleep (even if I don’t realize it), dry mouth, burning sensation between my shoulder blades (where my tension goes), anxiousness, lack of concentration, an inability to focus, and gut symptoms. I know this now about myself. I didn’t understand this over five years ago. And, that is why I believe I was led to grief recovery and energy healing. My body knew exactly what I needed. My mind (ego), however, was the one holding me back, pulling the strings, and keeping me stuck.
Where are you feeling your emotions in your body? I encourage you to consider that grief may be the cause of your physical symptoms. Whether it be high blood pressure, an ulcer, body aches, fatigue, etc., consider that it may be grief. Reflect on the losses you’ve endured in your life that involve both the death of a loved one and the losses that don’t.
- Have you lost trust in someone you deeply cared about?
- Have you felt betrayed in your life?
- Have you experienced financial ruin?
- Lost your home in uncontrollable circumstances?
- Suffered estrangement as a child (from a parent) or as an adult (in relationships)?
- Has your life been a downward spiral of loss of health?
- Are you a caregiver to someone who is terminally ill, cognitively declining, or is cognitively delayed?
- Have you survived a physical attack or accident?
- Have you had many accidents throughout your life, which often occur as a result of the cognitive consequences of grief (an inability to concentrate/focus)?
All of these situations (and many more) create grief in our lives that also manifest in our bodies. The body knows. And, our one body is always talking to us. I have become so attuned to this connection that I can often look at someone and, I know something is up. Both our body language, and our physical appearance tell a story without us having to say a word. We often wear our life stories like the clothes on our backs without us even realizing it. Kids are no different. The energy that surrounds us, and we take with us out into the world, tells the story.
Heal the story, and you begin to heal the body.
P.S. Do you have a child with a story that needs healing but you’re not sure how to help them? I am looking for 8 participants for an upcoming 4-week, online group program, Helping Children with Loss. We will meet on Zoom for one session per week for 4 weeks for approximately 2 1/2 hours, in the evening (day/time TBD and flexible). This is not a program for you, rather it is a program for you to learn tools and communication skills in how to help the child/children in your care work through and process loss. And, considering Covid-19 has touched every single one of us, there is no denying children need this, even if you think they’re doing just fine. Prior to Covid-19, has a loved one or a pet died? Maybe during Covid-19, a loved one died and they didn’t get to say goodbye? There is plenty of grief to go around these days and this program is prevention. I encourage you to consider it and get in touch with me via email to [email protected]. The first group will be offered at a discount!
The Roots of Sadness
Sadness, despair, grief, melancholy, misery, etc.
Take note of all of the feeling words in the tree of grief. How many you’ve experienced throughout your life?
I imagine you’ve experienced all of them throughout your life.
Recently on social media, I had a request to address the feeling of sadness, which was prompted by the reader referencing the blog post, How to Own Your Feelings, published in May (Mental Health Awareness Month).
I needed some inspiration for this week anyway, so it was perfect timing. If you ever want to learn more about a particular aspect of grief or want me to dig more deeply into a covered topic, please don’t hesitate to share with me! I’m open to all requests!
Why do we feel sadness or any number of feelings shown here in the tree word cloud image?
The root of sadness is, you guessed it, grief.
There is no timeline for grief. Often, when we hear this, we may think about the long-term. However, what about short-term grief as well? You don’t have to be a (nearly) life-long griever like myself to identify yourself as a griever. And, there is ZERO SHAME in identifying yourself as a griever. When your life patterns have changed due to Covid-19, lose a home in a fire or a job (or don’t get hired for the dream job) – there’s grief.
I’ve mentioned this definition (or description) of grief given to us by The Grief Recovery Institute many times. However, I’ll repeat it if you’ve never come across this definition before.
Grief is anything we wish would be different, better, or more. And, it’s also the net result of the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
The words in the image fall under the umbrella of one word – GRIEF. In a nutshell, the root of all of these feelings is grief. And, when we start to look at all these feelings, we can begin to apply new knowledge and tools to process them.
You may think, “But no one died; I’m not a griever.”
You do not have to experience the death of a loved one to experience grief. Go back and re-read that definition again.
You may feel hopeless, depressed, or anxious after being diagnosed with a chronic illness such as diabetes.
You may feel fear, stress, and anxiety about the future if, like many are this weekend, you are graduating from high school or are about to embark on a transition in life.
And, when you add that we are all in a relationship with others, do you think that others may also project their feelings onto us? Do you believe we may struggle to have a relationship where we fully feel seen, heard, and not judged, criticized, or analyzed for our feelings?
All of this to say, this is why I am so passionate about education about grief. Relationships and lives depend on this education. That may sound dramatic; however, if I were to share some stats with you on child grief as they relate to the A.C.E. Study, you’d be shocked. Or, the stats of addiction, homelessness, or broken homes – you would agree that grief is, and always has been society’s pandemic.
We should all be concerned with grief because it is a social, economic, and health concern.
So, what do we do about this?
- Acknowledge what we’re feeling to ourselves, so we can tell others the emotional truth.
- Seek knowledge and tools for processing these feelings in ways that individually resonate.
- Look at your belief system. What were you taught about these feelings? Did you learn that feeling sad was a bad thing? Or that the only solution to depression is popping a pill? As a child who experienced trauma or loss, did you act out in anger and were applied the label of a “problem child?” We all know if we’re told something enough times, we start to believe it, right?
- What behaviors are you participating in that are a way to distract yourself from these painful feelings? What behaviors do you want to change to improve your life – emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually?
We all grieve something or someone; therefore, we are all grievers. When we look at each other in this way, we see each other differently. We recognize that, as humans, we do have a lot in common, regardless of the boxes we check on various applications we fill out.
Grief does not discriminate. And, heart to heart, we shouldn’t either.
Thank you for the suggestion, dear reader. At the beginning of this post, I almost wrote on a similar (but different) topic. So, next week come back for the blog post The Mind-Body Connection. I’ll have a personal story to share with you.
Until then, look out with eyes of compassion. We’re all struggling with something.
P.S. I will be receiving training for The Grief Recovery Institute’s new program they’re rolling out online – Helping Children with Loss. It’s a 4-week/session, online GROUP program. I am so excited to get trained and offer this program online. As a grieving child and now a grief specialist, I know the importance of addressing grief in children. This program is PREVENTION. This program is perfect for parents/caretakers of grieving children, Foster programs, School administration, Head Start Programs, Military families, etc. These are a few ways I would love to spread this program. If this is something you feel your children or children in your care need, please get in touch via the Contact tab.
P.P.S. Check out this blog post previously referenced. Scroll down, and you’ll find a FREE Feelings Chart to download – no details required. 🙂
Grief & Unhelpful Labels
I listened to this podcast episode recently, followed by the follow-up interview episode with Pauline Boss. Pauline Boss coined the term “ambiguous loss” in the 1970’s. It wasn’t until recently that I heard the phrase. I’ve also heard it be compared or similar to “complicated grief.”
I want to dissect these labels and terms a bit more today. Although I agreed with much of what Pauline Boss shared in the podcast interviews, even more so in the follow-up episode regarding current times, I disagree with the labels.
What is Grief?
Let’s start with the definition of grief in simple terms. Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss or any change from what is familiar in life. It is the emotional response to change. It can be defined as a feeling associated with the things we wish might have been different, better, or more in any relationship. Whether it is with a person, a pet, a job, an educational experience, or even a place of residence doesn’t matter. Grief can be a result of unmet hopes, dreams, and expectations in any relationship as well.
Grief can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Some people find that the confusing feelings that grief generates interfere with sleep, while others find it challenging to get up and function after waking up. Some people find that they feel sad or cry over things that never seemed to bother them before. Many find themselves longing for that relationship lost, and others find, especially when they discover that friends seem to be able to offer little meaningful help, that they lose some of their ability to trust others. Some find themselves easily irritated, while others do not have the energy to feel much of anything. For some, the memories leading up to and including the moment of loss overshadow all of their fond memories of that relationship.
Simply stated, grief can be overwhelming! Just as overwhelming can be the labels that are put on grievers and the advice that they are given.
What is Complicated Grief?
In the 1990s, a new term, “complicated grief,” was coined to describe prolonged grief associated with death. The problem with this term is that all grief is complicated in one way or another. The grief each person experiences is influenced by a variety of factors. The intensity of that emotional relationship, the amount of unfinished business in that relationship, and how we try to deal with the pain of the loss are among the primary elements. Since most people have very few effective learned behavior patterns to deal with loss, it is often challenging to deal with the impact of emotional pain. The average person tries to deal with emotions on an intellectual level. The problem is that emotions are not logical and do not respond to intellectual reasoning.
The symptoms of “complicated grief,” according to a Mayo Clinic paper, are the same as those of “normal grief.” The defining element of complicated grief is the duration of these feelings. And, I would ask: how do you feel being assigned a label for your grief simply based on the timeframe you have the feeling that you do? It doesn’t make much sense, does it? Could it even be damaging? Leaving you to feel inadequate or as if there’s something inherently wrong with you because you are “grieving too long?”
A Little Background Information
The fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-4), from the American Psychiatric Association, set the normal time for grieving at two months. The DSM-5, published in 2013, changed this period to one to two years, indicating that most physicians and grief counselors felt that this time frame was more realistic. The DSM-5 also included the term “complicated grief” as a mental disorder.
Time and Grief
The reality of things is that time, in and of itself, is not a factor in true emotional recovery from loss. Over time, we may become used to living with the pain of loss. As time goes by, most people simply learn to bury their feelings, rather than to take effective action to deal with that pain. Obviously, two years, rather than two months, gives you more time to bury and discount your feelings. If, after an arbitrary amount of time, you have persisting feelings of emotional pain and try to utilize medication to treat the “problem,” you are often just treating the symptoms of grief without actually doing anything to deal with the underlying problem.
How is “Complicated Grief” different that “Normal Grief?”
What defines complicated grief, according to Dr. Katherine Shear at Columbia University, is that it occurs in only a small percentage of grievers. For people that suffer from this problem, their other relationships tend to be very difficult, and they can ultimately have other health issues. Many with this diagnosis lose a purpose for living. The determination of “complicated grief” is most often reserved for those who have a family or personal history of mental health disorders.
What is Ambiguous Loss?
On her website, Pauline Boss states that ambiguous loss differs from ordinary loss in that there is no verification of death or no certainty that the person will come back or return to the way they used to be.
She’s not labeling it, per se, as a type of grief. Instead, these types of losses lead to a certain kind of grief – complicated grief, as mentioned in the podcast interview.
As I listened to Pauline describe a scenario where a woman’s child went missing and applying the label to that loss as “ambiguous,” it had me perplexed on how or why this label is helpful. Does giving it a name help someone whose never experienced it understand it better versus someone who hasn’t? I’ve never had one of my children go missing. I will never understand what that is like until it would happen to me. And even then, if I experience a similar [ambiguous] loss, does that similarity make it easier for the other griever? Does it lessen the pain they feel? Yes, I will be able to empathize in a way others cannot who’ve never experienced that loss; however, it’s grief all the same. And, my relationship with my child is, and always will be, vastly different than anyone else’s relationship to their child who experiences the same type of [ambiguous] loss.
Do you see where this label does nothing for recovery? Whether a loved one goes missing, and we’re left with unanswered questions, or a loved one dies in an instant of unexplainable death, or we watch our loved one mentally deteriorate before our eyes, these all are grief-causing experiences. Adding a label does nothing to help those who experience these kinds of losses other than giving their loss a name. Just like “complicated” grief can be hurtful, so can the label “ambiguous loss” because, truthfully – as a griever, are you going to want to educate others and explain what “ambiguous loss” means? You’re never going to describe a missing loved one as an ambiguous loss. And, in a clinical setting, being told that’s the kind of loss you experienced, does nothing for your recovery either. It neither takes away nor adds.
The dictionary meaning of ambiguous is this: unclear or able to be understood in multiple ways. The word ambiguous alone means unclear. Isn’t that how we feel in grief? Unclear! We are anything but clear-headed in grief, right? And so, to experience an “unclear loss” doesn’t add anything constructive to the experience of a griever, does it?
Therefore, I view “ambiguous loss” as just a factual, intellectual observation about a certain kind of loss. And again, when we start separating and compartmentalized losses, we’re looking at grief from an intellectual viewpoint rather than a heart-centered, feeling one.
These phrases/terms are only more labels for losses and types of grief. And the means of action that need to be taken, regardless of the kind of loss, doesn’t change when it comes to grief recovery with The Grief Recovery Method.
Grief is grief. End of story. There are no labels necessary. There are no timelines that need to be applied to call it by another name. There need not be a certain kind of loss that only creates separation and comparison among grievers – which is anything but helpful.
Does labeling your grief as “complicated” help you recover?
A label alone does not make things better. It is merely a label. Having a member of the psychiatric community assign this label to a griever may give them a reason to give up. Some people, when diagnosed with a mental disorder, will use this for justification as to why they cannot recover.
Does being told you have a particular type of loss help you recover?
No, of course not. Because you’re still going to have the feelings you have. You’re still going to attempt to intellectualize your loss and revert to the lessons you’ve received growing up in how to address grief. The kind of loss experienced does not change the fact that you’ll always return to what you know – unless you have the education and new tools necessary to complete the loss – regardless of the circumstances of the loss.
Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss.
Since grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss, doesn’t it make better sense to try to take personal responsibility to take effective recovery action, rather than to allow it to control your happiness? Most grievers want to feel better. Even if someone has suggested that you might be suffering from complicated grief, that does not mean you cannot take action to recover from the emotional pain of your loss. Grievers, do not let a label, which may or may not be accurate, keep you in misery.
The reason that people have a difficult time recovering from the pain of emotional loss is that they do not have the tools to take action. “The Grief Recovery Handbook” is a step-by-step action plan for recovery. It starts at the beginning with what you learned in your childhood about dealing with loss and why many of the “tools” learned were ineffective. You’re then given “new” tools to deal with the unfinished business in that relationship. It offers you the opportunity to deal with those things that make remembering painful safely. It will allow you to be able to enjoy your memories and share them with others, rather than finding them overwhelming.
The first loss with which I dealt, using these tools, occurred 30 years earlier. This timeframe is obviously over that two months to a two-year period for “normal grief” to persist. In actuality, I did not realize how much that loss was still impacting my life. I had become used to living with that pain. Once I took effective action with the Grief Recovery Method, I found a whole new level of happiness. As I have taken more action with other relationships, I have found that I now can truly enjoy my memories, rather than being overwhelmed by my losses.
I encourage you to do this, as well. Do not let grief define you! Do not let a label define you! By taking action, those lost relationships don’t have to cause you to revert to painful memories, regret, shame, or any other painful emotions associated with that relationship. It is possible to reflect on lost relationships with warmth in your heart again. And, know too – that if the relationship was anything but pleasant, recovery will allow you to leave those feelings in the past and give you the emotional freedom you seek. I’ve personally experienced both – it is possible.
There is hope. And, from where I sit, society could use a lot more hope and fewer labels.
P.S. Did you know I have a podcast? It’s called Grieving Voices! Every Tuesday, I share educational grief content and, give grievers the time, space, and platform to share their grieving voice. It is my mission that, as a society, we talk about grief like we talk about the weather. Check it out here!
*a portion of this blog post was adapted from The Grief Recovery Method blog.
Narcissism, Empathy, and Grief
A narcissist, according to Merriam-Webster, is an extremely self-centered person with an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
Empathy, also according to Merriam-Webster, is defined as the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another in either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.
According to the same resource, grief is deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement. However, The Grief Recovery Institute defines grief as the normal and natural reaction to a loss of any kind. It is also anything we wish would be different, better, or more, and the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
The Narcissist in Your Life
Where does narcissism come in, then? If you have relationships with people (who doesn’t?), you may know of a narcissist or have one in your life. And in my experience, it’s grief-causing to understand that the narcissist in your life will always fit the bill for grief-like feelings around the relationship you wish would be different, better or more. Grief also exists in knowing that there is a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations for the relationship.
I don’t know if a narcissist can change. They will always have a different view of themselves than how others perceive them. How do you get someone to change their perception of themselves? In short, I don’t know that you can. That’s self-awareness, I believe, that has to come from within themselves. Only you have the power to change yourself for the better and work through all of the feelings that arise. Unless, however, you cut them out of your life completely. Even then, the grief-like feelings don’t go away on their own by cutting the person out of your life. There will still be emotional incompleteness between that person and the relationship.
To better understand why you may be experiencing grief while in a relationship with a narcissist, read the following excerpt from this Psychology Today blog post:
Since an empathic response often involves an unconscious assessment of one’s vulnerability to experiencing shame, the narcissist’s inhibition of an empathic response (“unwillingness”) may simply be self-protective. This also points to the affective limitations that accompany narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists do not consciously feel a lack of empathy or experience an unwillingness to empathize. Instead, in many situations where one might expect them to empathize, their limitations activate a sense of helplessness—an imagined vulnerability— followed by scripted responses to shame, such as shame-fear (fear of loss of face) or shame-rage (protection from some trauma or imagined trauma from the past).
Thus, if you are involved with someone whose behaviors are motivated by shame-avoidance, your task is to protect yourself since they will be consciously or unconsciously unwilling to empathize with you. Commonly, heartbroken people explain their relationship rupture as due to their former partner’s “lack of empathy,” concluding they had been in love with a narcissist. However, it is possible to respond to our own shame by attacking the other who could not provide what we needed in the first place, given their restricted emotional freedom. Instead, by accepting our disappointment and misdirection, and looking inside ourselves, we can learn because we have the emotional resources and willingness that enable us to do so.
And applying the last sentence to my life is what has given me the emotional freedom I desired that I saw came so naturally to the narcissist in my life. It should come as no surprise that GRM (the grief recovery method) provided me with new tools and knowledge to do just that.
I highly recommend reading the entire article. And, if you suspect someone in your life is a narcissist or not (or are perhaps curious where you fall on the scale), check out this quiz. For funsies, I took it and applied the questions to myself. I scored a 6, which falls into self-sufficiency: a trait that refers to how much you rely on others versus your abilities to meet your needs in life. I feel this is a very accurate result for me. I learned very early on in my life how to be self-sufficient. It’s also a trait that makes it hard for me to ask for help – as a life-long griever and otherwise.
A Solution
Of all of the people in the world, with all of the variety of traits, characteristics, and personalities we encounter in our lifetime, it’s vital to have emotional intelligence and awareness about ourselves. This self-knowledge empowers us to work through whatever emotional disturbance we bump up against that would otherwise have the potential to derail and emotionally block us in our lives.
Grief recovery has given me this emotional freedom, and it can provide it for you as well. After you learn what I have learned, and after you’ve worked through the hardest emotional loss of your life, you will view every other relationship (and person) in your life differently, with clearer goggles of self-awareness and emotional intelligence, as previously mentioned. You will also have the tools and knowledge to see those people and relationships for who and what they are – another griever who hasn’t addressed their emotional disturbances.
P.S. Do you want to work through a narcissist relationship that’s been a source of grief for you? Get in touch here.
Our Shadow Side
When someone strikes you on [your] right cheek, turn the other one to him as well. – Matthew 5:39
It’s a sorrowful time. I have tried to tune out the news and, instead, turn inward. Fortunately, this week offered a lot of road time and, for me, that’s thinking/reflecting time. I also enjoy listening to various types of podcasts when I’m traveling as well. This week, one podcast interview arrived in my inbox with the title: “Racism, white privilege, and healing America.” It was this conversation between Reverend Michael Beckwith and Lewis Howes. There is one stat that Reverend Michael Beckwith mentions that I did find to be false. Beckwith stated a staggering statistic that 80-90% of the prison population in the U.S. is Black. I had to know if this was true. Indeed, it was a false statement. Instead, 33% of the prison population is Black, whereas 30% is White. However, Blacks are incarcerated more than 5X the rate of Whites. A far cry from 80-90% but none the less, the rate at which Blacks are incarcerated is significantly imbalanced.
Since childhood, I’ve always been a cheerleader for the underdog, likely because I viewed myself as an underdog. I love a good triumph story. I believe we all do. There isn’t a whole lot of diversity living in the midwest, as there is in other parts of the country. I only knew of one Black person that lived in my entire county growing up. Imagine being the only Black person in a whole county of White people!? I don’t know for sure, but of the few Black individuals I know of from growing up, and in recent years, from my perspective, I didn’t see them treated any differently. They were maybe safer living here, in German country, than in larger metropolitan areas.
I didn’t grow up with much racial talk in my home. I have a half-brother that is half Puerto Rican, nieces, and nephews who are half Puerto Rican-Native American. And I only recently learned in the past year that the only reason I am alive today is that, while in Vietnam, a Black man took a bullet for my dad. And, although my dad grew up in a racially prejudiced home, my dad didn’t follow the ideology of his parents. Perhaps because his faith was important to him? I can only imagine he often asked himself: “What would Jesus do?” For that, I am grateful.
Growing up, I had the understanding that people were people. We all bleed the same. However, recently while in a meeting, a White individual remarked about the protests and riots using derogatory language, I did not agree with, and I did and said nothing. Days later, I still feel an unsettled feeling and guilt around this. I did not agree with the statements made, and I remained silent. I believe what stopped me was the feeling that this person has their emotions that they are equally entitled to and, it’s not my place to say his feelings have less value than my own. And, nothing I would ever say will make this person believe otherwise, anyway. Or, perhaps I’m wrong. I don’t know. And, I’ll never know because I remained silent in the situation.
If you’re not having a conversation with your kids about the current events, I encourage you to do so. Today, I asked all three of my kids if they had seen the video and, if so, how they felt about it. They all had, of course, it’s everywhere online. And, when I asked them directly what they thought or felt about Black people, my middle replied: “We’re all the same. We’re all people.” They all agreed that we are all the same. I then shared the story above about mixed ethnicities within our family and my dad’s experience in Vietnam. This conversation was long overdue.
I want to share a passage of writing I came across today (published in 2016), such a timely piece I thought I would share.
In first-century Palestine, left-handedness was seen as evil. People never used their left hands for any public task, even slapping a person. The only way to strike a person the right cheek, using the right hand, is with a backhand. One could only strike “inferiors” back-handed: slaves, women, and children. Striking an equal, a free man, with a backhand could incur legal punishment. Hence, Jesus’ message: if someone treats you as an inferior by backhanding you on the right cheek, turn the other cheek to them and challenge them to treat you as an equal, a form of nonviolent resistance. It is an instruction about using inner strength in a noble way.
This call to respond with dignity is greatly needed in this time when verbal backhanding erupts in every forum. We need Jesus’ call to stand up to contemptuousness not by striking back, but by fostering respect. – Patricial Livingston
Respect. There it is.
Respect for ourselves, others, and for life itself. And, we bring about respect when we come from a place of love. Society sends all sorts of messages that love is something to be obtained. But, it is in giving love away that we experience it. If we give love to ourselves, we receive love. If we give love to our neighbors, we receive love.
Love is anything but an easy call to action. We have our inner demons, sorrows, and shadow-sides to fight before it can beam from us freely. We have years of stories blocking us, with learned beliefs and ideology, to discern what is right for ourselves independent of what we’ve been taught. And, here’s the thing – we’re not meant to soldier on in our lives alone. We heal ourselves and help others heal when we are in community with others.
Like Reverend Beckwith states towards the end of the interview, when asked about a mantra we can all adopt during this time: “Make me an instrument of PEACE.”
Peace. It starts with intention. And, it begins within.