Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness |
Several years ago, I was taking a course by Tony Robbins. If you’re unsure who he is, he’s what I would call a “guru of change.” His programs, books, and his entire vibe is high impact and elevating. Sometimes, just listening to someone in our ear or reading their written words can help us out of a funk. Back then, I was hanging on his every word. I still greatly admire him. However, I rely most heavily on my intuition these days. We can spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on coaches, programs, books, or courses, but none of them can create lasting change without YOU. You are the common denominator in every one of those means of change, but these things are simply dust collectors, paperweights, and gigabytes taking up space – if you do nothing with them. And, this is where The Grief Recovery Method is different. A GRM program is not something you’ll purchase and then will sit on for three months before you even look at it. It won’t sit on the shelf and collect dust until you “get around to it.” And, it’s not a course that will take up digital space on your computer and become lost amidst the other 25 programs you’ve purchased over the years (oh wait, is that just me?). Nope. The Grief Recovery Method doesn’t let you off the hook, to your own devices, and isn’t knowledge that will never be tapped into, learned, or utilized. On the contrary, your ROI (return of investment) is ten-fold. Not only do you reap the benefits of the deep, inner-work, but your relationships do, too – as does your community and future. Once you walk through the steps, learning new tools along the way, you will be gaining the knowledge you will have forever that will also positively impact every griever you come in contact with in the future. You will also be able to help yourself continually. The bible says that if you give a man a fish, he will eat today, but teach a man to fish and he will eat forever. This method is teaching you how to fish (i.e., take care of yourself and every griever you know). I don’t know of any other course, program, book, guru, coach, or anything else I’ve ever encountered in all of my life that has made me feel as empowered as this program. And, it is evidence proven because it encompasses laser-focused areas for creating lasting change.
The Five Key Elements of Positive (Lasting) Change
There are five key elements of positive change that, I believe, few programs equally and fully address. I may be partial, but the grief recovery program is one of them. What are the five elements of positive change as they relate to The Grief Recovery Method? Let’s dig in! Knowledge – By learning new tools and receiving an education about grief like you’ve never received before, you’ll walk away from the program more equipped to support other grievers. Albeit your neighbor, best friend, child, or the grocery clerk – this is where the program creates ripples. What do I mean by that? Well, let’s say the cashier at the grocery store is the same cashier you’ve seen for the past ten years. All of a sudden, she’s not there. The following week, she returns to work and shares she had had a miscarriage and took a few days off of work. Saddened by this news, but ill-equipped with what to say, you innocently reply: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Well, at least you can try again.” A well-meaning comment quickly felt like a stab in that cashier’s heart. And, you’re not the first to say that either. So, imagine what all these daggers do to her heart over time? Do you think she’s going to share her grief openly ever again readily? That’s not a trick question – that’s a “no.” Awareness – We develop awareness by evaluating old patterns of behavior, what we need, and recognizing where we need (and lack) boundaries. Through the program, these areas come into our awareness. I was quite surprised by how the need for boundaries became so apparent for me. I also recognized where my patterns of behavior were unhealthy and creating a cyclical pattern. Without awareness, we don’t know what needs to change. We don’t give much thought to how our thoughts impact our behaviors. It isn’t until we take a step back and a birds-eye view of our lives, where we can see more clearly. Beliefs – Children will learn 75% of the basic tools and concepts that they will use throughout their lives by the age of three. Even before they have developed any advanced communication skills, they have learned these things from watching what those around them do and listening to how they deal with day-to-day issues. Children gain an additional 20% of these skills, which will define how they deal with daily problems in the next 10 to 12 years. As a result, 95% of their decision-making powers are established by the age of 15. This means that by the age of 3, we’ve received most of the messages we will use to process grief and life in general. These early messages are either re-inforced as we get older or, are intercepted by a caretaker who receives educational tools to change the trajectory of learned behavior. This demonstrates why beliefs and ideas passed down, what I like to call generational learning, will either create havoc in our lives or empower us. However, considering we’re talking about generational learning, parents are only drawing from what they know and what they were taught, just as their parents did, and their parents’ parents. To choose to become educated in the area of grief and working through our belief systems, we empower future generations to do the same. Behavior – We resort to what’s comfortable when we feel uneasy. We fall back to behaviors that help us feel better, at the moment, when we’re feeling stressed, anxious, or fearful. And, we repeat these same behaviors because it’s a compulsion to resist pain and move toward pleasure. However, we all know that too much of a “good” thing is never a good thing, right? Even exercise can be hazardous to your health when done in excess. If you’re pushing yourself to the point of exhaustion, spending hours upon hours in the gym, while your family is at a family birthday party, perhaps there’s an issue with “just trying to get healthy?” How healthy is it really if other areas of life are sacrificed, cast aside, or disregarded? In grief recovery, we call these STERBs (short-term energy relieving behavior). And, they’re called this because they’re exactly that, short-term – you feel good for a time, but later feel shame, guilt, exhausted, anxious, or depressed. Many behaviors may fall under the addiction category because the feeling of temporarily feeling better itself becomes the addiction. Whether it be a common addiction such as gambling, pornography, drugs, alcohol, sex, work, etc., or something seemingly innocent like shopping, exercise, or gossip – the effect during and after are similar. We feel better while we’re buying that 15th pair of shoes we don’t need (and may rarely wear) but feel guilty or shameful for spending the money. It’s a strong desire to feel better, where reason does not even win because the heart’s pain is speaking so loudly; you just want it to shut up already. We do what we do because there is a pay-off. Ask yourself if the behaviors you engage in are a way to distract yourself from what’s really going on in your heart. If the answer is yes, you are “STERB’ing.”
Grief Has Been The Pandemic
The world is talking about Covid-19, and grief is also a topic of discussion as a result. However, we’ve been in a pandemic far longer than Covid-19. Grief has been our pandemic. And, if you disagree, just look at the ripple effects of Covid-19 and the grief it is stirring up in people’s lives. People had STERB’s, presumably reliable belief systems, and didn’t futz with awareness because they had preoccupations shifting attention elsewhere. Covid-19 has brought grief to the forefront of society. But, I would argue, it’s always been there. Always. Because, every single day, there are new grievers around the globe and that has not changed because of a virus. All the grief of the world has been amplified because of this. This is a blaring, sound-the-alarm, wake-up call. I cannot even begin to imagine the ripple-effects of all of this global, unresolved (and unaddressed) grief that will result once the dust settles. And now, doctors are begging their states to get back to business and open up because they see, first-hand, the after-effects of grief in their communities. The rates of suicide, alcohol/drug abuse, people fearing seeking treatment for known conditions or health concerns, and even cancer screenings are down 90% due to fear of going to doctor’s offices. But, there is hope in all of this. GRM (grief recovery method) is HOPE. It was my hope when I needed it most. By utilizing and addressing these significant components of lasting change, I say, without reservation and with conviction: GRM changed my life. I know I sound like a broken record. However, I can’t and won’t apologize. If you’re reading my words for the first time, this blog post could change the trajectory of the rest of your life – if you choose to let my words sink in today. If you are open to hearing them. And, if (and only if) you are open to feeling better – once and for all. Not to mention, creating ripples in every other area of your life.
Emotionally well people create healthier homes, communities, states, countries, and world. And, that, my friend, no one can argue.
And to think that, when I sat down to write this week’s blog post, I wasn’t feeling inspired. Nearly 1850 words later, my heart’s plea passed through my fingertips. It is your time. Now is your time to take even just 1% responsibility for your life and how you will choose to respond to the chaos in your heart you may be feeling. Hope is here, as a gift for you on Christmas morning. How did you feel this past Christmas morning (if you celebrate)? How do you WANT to feel Christmas morning 2020? I’m here for you as a guide through the hardest shit you’ve ever faced in your life. We all face hard shit. And, in GRM, there are zero comparisons. There is only love, compassion, empathy, and results in a set amount of time, and far cheaper than years of therapy. *Not discrediting therapy/therapists – we all serve our place and purpose in the world.* I’m an email away, friend. 
P.S. Know someone who needs to hear this message? Did reading this have you thinking of someone that you know? Listen to that nudge in your heart, and pass this along to them. Did this speak to you personally? Listen to the whispers of your heart – it will never steer you wrong.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Reiki, Resources |
For me, 2019 was my year of focusing on my mental health. I’ve continued to do so in 2020, ensuring I am checking in with myself. It is so important that we can recognize when we’re not quite feeling right.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month and how fitting, for the times we all find ourselves in, and, with Mother’s Day right around the corner. I know for myself, my “mom brain” has not felt like itself many times since quarantine started. My thirteen-year-old daughter has been telling me that “this is going to be the best Mother’s Day ever!” I have no idea what she has up her sleeve, likely along with her sister, but I do look forward to it! I’m sure my son has made no plans – in typical teen-boy fashion. Just to give you a glimpse into the banter that is pretty typical in our home, I had said to my daughter: “So, if it’s the best Mother’s Day ever, does that mean I get the whole house to myself for an entire day?” Without skipping a beat, she replied: “You’re not that lucky!” Lol! Awww well, after seven weeks, does it even matter anymore? Well – yes, yes, it does.
Our mental health can leave us feeling as though we’re in the middle of a mental tornado, stuck drifting out at sea, or surrounding by flames. Or, we can feel like we’re floating on our backs, sailing, and feeling the warm sun on our skin, our thoughts drifting and passing through the mind. I don’t know about you, but the latter sounds pretty much like an oasis.
And, here’s the thing – yes, some contributing factors within the mind are beyond our control. However, so much of what manifests within our bodies in illness or dis-ease, are a by-product of our emotional climate and not necessarily our mental environment, and there’s a difference. More often than not, it is grief that clouds our mental game with emotional clout. We have thought patterns and beliefs that become so engrained; we can’t imagine our life without them. We become so accustomed to the negative self-talk, bouts of anger, and personal judgments, that to imagine a fulfilled and joyful life seems like a dream that’s meant only for other people. Or, we believe that – if only we were wealthier, skinnier, faster, more beautiful, etc., that we would find happiness.
This past year, for me, has felt like a real-life coming of age book, full of challenges, personal triumphs, and some regret, too. In a lot of ways, I still feel like there’s lots of mental growth that needs to happen. Just today, I realized how much emotional gunk I’ve worked through the past year. I found hope in The Grief Recovery Method that helped me move forward in a significant relationship in a healthy way, not to mention, work through many other relationships using the tools I learned, too.
Additionally, I experienced flashbacks to a traumatic experience I had long buried that came up during, of all things, my reiki levels I & II certification. And, it’s still an ongoing process of healing through the utilization of new tools I will forever have in grief recovery, as well as through reiki. During my reiki master training, I experienced even more healing of that traumatic experience. Grief recovery and reiki have been the perfect blend of healing modalities that have allowed me to process my emotional blocks in a healthy, productive, life-changing way.
The progress of my healing was brought to light this week. The accountability group I joined six months ago met online for our last official call. We come from all walks of life, with varied backgrounds and challenges. What these women shared with me was how, from when they first met me, there was this negative aura around me. And, since that time, I’ve turned into Pollyanna (i.e., an excessively cheerful or optimistic person). What was shared, took me a couple of days to process and digest; because, on this call, we all shared how we see each other, what we love about them, and where they shine. It can feel uncomfortable to have a bunch of women shower you with compliments; it’s not something we typically experience, right? But, it was in their sharing that I recognized, for myself, how far I’ve come in my healing. Just as hurt people hurt people, healed people help others heal, which is why it’s so important that I make my mental health a priority. In doing so, I am at my best, so I can hold space for others in their healing.
How I Make My Mental Health a Priority
Not long ago, I had a session with a healer. She shared how sadness was the emotion that came up during the session, which wasn’t a surprise to me. As we talked, I shared with her that sorrow (i.e., grief) is one of the feelings that’s always been present in my life. She felt it came up for me even before my dad had passed away when I was eight. And, as I reflected, my earliest memories of myself are me hiding to cry, under my bed, in the linen closet, even the kitchen cupboard. I did not dare cry or, I would be given something to cry about (as children are often told). And so, like many children, I grew up hiding my sadness, and even as I sit here and write this today, I often find myself doing the same at the older, wiser, and more evolved age of forty-one. Our child wounds run deep, friend. And, it takes inner-work (i.e., action) to pull those weeds up from the root.
I’ve found myself led toward healing modalities that have equipped me with tools and education I can utilize on an ongoing basis and share with others. I don’t believe that’s a coincidence. Since my mid-twenties, being of service and aligning that with my skills and education has been burning in my heart. And, everything I’ve learned this past year has positively impacted every aspect of my life – more than I imagined.
These days, with grief recovery, reiki, meditation, journaling, exercise, and self-help books, I’ve found myself feeling more like myself. I remember when I was trying to find a way to be of service when my kids were little. I worked overnights as a certified nursing assistant in a nursing home when I was pregnant with our second, and later transitioned to home healthcare. I honestly wouldn’t have had to work at that time, but for me, it was essential to feeling like I was of service in a way that didn’t include diapers and breastfeeding. Later, I would choose entrepreneurship. And, thank goodness I did; it laid the groundwork and foundation for what I’ve created in my life today.
My Message To You
My message to you today is this: I am no one special. There is nothing extraordinary about me. I put my pants on the same way as you. I struggle with the very same things as a parent, mom, spouse, etc.. I have days I know I’m not being patient or have had unkind thoughts. This is what it is to be human.
All that said, what I am now, that I never felt as strongly as I do today is: empowered, confident, and very intently sure of my inner-knowing. Discovering these qualities within myself had taken years of excavating (when I started digging into my emotional wellness in 2014). But, only because I hadn’t discovered grief recovery until 2019. My growth this past year has been ten-fold. And, you know what – it can be for you, too.
You may not identify yourself as someone grieving. And, had someone asked me in 2014 or even as far back as 2001 (when my life was going off the rails) if I was grieving – I would have said “no.” Looking back, I know my emotional state, and my behaviors (especially after having children), were textbook for someone grieving. I was not practicing self-care (often not showering for days), had regular, angry outbursts, found myself pouring myself into entrepreneurship, which was a preoccupation for being present. I also sought help from a physician during that time who simply thought a pill was the cure. For many, many years, even after trying therapy, too, I felt like I was on an island. And, I felt like there was something wrong with me.
Once the health issues started in late 2013, which carried on through the years without resolve, I felt like I was “crazy.” I understand why people resort to going from doctor to doctor to doctor – hoping one will finally listen or do what is necessary to find the issue. And, you know what? I’ll let you in on a secret. Not a single doctor ever asked me: “What happened to you?” Not one doctor asked me: “How did you get here, to this point, in your declining health?” Not a one. Why? Because physicians are not trained, therapists. And, physicians are not educated in grief in medical school either. And, likewise, unless a licensed therapist seeks further education on grief on their own, traditional schooling does not include it. It’s why there are dozens of licensed therapists who sought certification with The Grief Recovery Institute.
Changing the Conversation
The collective conversation around mental health needs to change. It is my mission to spread the message that we start talking about mental and emotional health (i.e., grief) like we do about the weather. I am very honored and proud to now offer a way to spread this message. As one of around 150 advanced grief recovery method specialists in the world (and the only one in ND), I feel like I can offer something very special to North Dakotans from the comfort of their own homes, and also, to anyone – anywhere.
The question to ask yourself is not what it costs you to take this action. The better question to ask yourself is: “What does it cost me, in my life, to not take action.”
If you’re willing to invest years, time, and money into therapy and anything and everything else under the sun and have yet to get results, why not consider this? I urge you to get in touch with me. Could I sell ice to an Eskimo? Sure. I’ve sold Kirby vacuum cleaners. However, if the Kirby would’ve been grief recovery back when I was going door-to-door, I wouldn’t have needed to sell Kirby’s in the first place. You discover so much more going through this method than I can even put into words.
If your gut is nudging you to contact me as you read this – listen to that whisper. Our guided intuition will never steer us wrong. Having the ability to understand and have that inner-knowing has been one of the many gifts I’ve received from doing this work on myself. Reach out to me via email at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com with any questions or book a free consultation HERE.
This blog post goes out to all of those who are struggling with emotional and mental illness right now. Not to mention, all the mamas, the desire-to-be-mamas, and the earth mamas of angel babies this Mother’s Day. I know it’s not a joyful occasion for so many and my heart is with you.
Mind your mind, but first – listen to your heart.
P.S. Resources:
- My website – there are many articles on my blog about grief, and there is also access to free, educational PDF’s like The Free Guide for Loss
- The Grief Recovery Institute
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255 – if you’re thinking about suicide or know someone who is
- Crisis National Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-8255
- 24/7 Crisis Counselor – Text “HOME” to 741-741
- Better Help – affordable, private, online counseling
- FirstLink211 – an online resource specifically for ND and parts of MN
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Pespective |
Grief isn’t just about death. I talk a lot about this, but it begs to be repeated.
A child (and adults alike) grieve moving, death of a pet, loss of friendships, death of loved ones, loss of trust, safety, or security.
During this pandemic, I’ve been thinking about the children who don’t have the best home life—the children who may feel isolated due to having their safe space (school) now taken away. For many kids, school is the one place for someone to come to their aid and be their advocate.
Here is an excerpt from this full [opinion] article in The Hill (which I fully agree with):
It is incumbent upon all of us, including courts, law enforcement, education, medical and mental health providers — and even neighbors who may come into contact with young children and families — to continue to be part of a public health approach to child safety during this pandemic. Child maltreatment occurs in all sectors of society, and even healthy families can be pushed to their limits because of severe economic stress and sudden round-the-clock caregiving. We each have a role to play to keep families strong and children safe during this crisis.
I can’t even imagine the child grief that exists now, throughout the world, and how it will impact all of these children the rest of their lives. As a grieving child-adult myself, I know the damage grief can cause when it becomes so much a part of you. However, I also see the tenacity and determination that can come from it as well. Everyone’s path is different, but there are so many influencing factors that will determine the path a child will take into adulthood.
Influencing Factors of Childhood Grief
I believe, what influences a child and their grief most, is the amount of inner-work their parent(s) or guardian(s) have worked through themselves, and their comfort level with grief in general. From personal experience, a relationship with someone important to me suffered for many, many years as I got older, as a result of not only my unprocessed grief but that, too, of those in charge of my care. Albeit, my mother, childcare provider, or teacher – none of which had received education in how to help a child process grief.
It wasn’t until the inner-work I did on my own, much later as an adult, where I felt an immense amount of compassion and understood, for the first time, the sacrifice we make in our lives to hold onto emotional pain. And, this is the work – to get to the root of our grief; pulling it out at the root, just as you would a weed in your garden. As you pull more and more weeds, you also discover even more weeds that need tending.
It is so important, as a parent or guardian, to tend to our weeds. We project our wounds, unintentionally, onto children. Similarly, anyone in a leadership role over children may do this. Hurt people hurt people – even children, and often, unintentionally; hence, the importance of the educational piece. When we have an awareness of what is helpful and supportive, then you will be better equipped to help the child in your care who is struggling.
When we use our feeling words and give voice to how we feel, rather than stuffing down, numbing out, ignoring, putting on a strong face, or even full-body armor (i.e., shielding ourselves from even the good stuff of life), our human spirit is nurtured. These emotions are no longer blocked, and we don’t hurt the people we care about most.
What We’re Taught & Pass Down Generations
Adults must be an example of how healthy emotional processing looks. If you don’t know how to do this, you resort to what you’ve been taught, which is likely all of the unhelpful and even hurtful things that have been passed down generations and that society reinforces, such as:
- Don’t Feel Bad
- Replace the Loss
- It Just Takes Time
- Grieve Alone (Grievers often isolate because of the hurtful and unhelpful things that are said to them and the comparison of losses.)
- Be Strong (for yourself and others – saying: “You are so strong’ or, ‘You’re the strongest person I know” reinforces this message.)
- Keep Busy
A reason why I am so passionate about grief recovery (and the various programs offered) is that it’s an educational program, as much as it’s an action-based approach. For someone to create lasting, meaningful change, one must gain knowledge, gain awareness, change their attitudes, and understand and learn new behaviors. The Grief Recovery Method encompasses and incorporates all of these factors, thereby setting the foundation and groundwork for healing.
Often, people are afraid of healing. Children aren’t, though, they just don’t usually have the guidance to do so. How much time and how much life do you feel you have missed, things you could have done differently, ways your life could have been different, better, or more? That, my friend, is what grief is: anything we wish would have been different, better, or more. And, it’s the loss of hopes, dreams, expectations. Imagine if, as a child, you would have received the tools to help you navigate all the hardships in your life on the way to adulthood. Do you think you’d be in a different place, emotionally, than you are today? Do you think you would have, perhaps, dared to chase your dreams?
Grief has a price. And, we all pay it, because society has not educated itself on this topic. It’s no surprise to me that grief is a hot topic during this pandemic. And, perhaps that’s the gift of Covid-19 – it’s getting a conversation going about this other intangible (but yet palpable) thing that the entire world has always had in common (since the beginning of humankind).
The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. – William James
You may feel like a complete failure after reading this. I felt that after my grief education. It’s hard to swallow, knowing there is the potential of having done more harm than good. But, when your child has a broken arm, you don’t Google on how to fix it yourself, do you? No, you take your child to an expert. Similarly, when your child is grieving, you should seek the help of an expert – someone who knows how to navigate such things. A person can get along with a poorly healed arm, although, will likely have some aches and pains. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, it isn’t just their arm that suffers and quality of life, in grief, it’s life itself that suffers.
If you don’t know what to do, this post is about where to start. And, if you want to prepare your child for the grief that they are guaranteed to one day experience, I encourage you to reach out to work with me in digging into your own. Committing to going first is the hardest part. And, if you’re interested in going first, click HERE. Next week, I will complete my advanced grief recovery certification, where I will be able to provide grief recovery online. Does seven weeks to emotional freedom sound good to you? I only wish I would have found it decades ago; I cannot imagine the emotional suffering it would have spared me and how much more present (therefore, fulfilling), life would’ve been as well.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Resources |
I had an entirely different post planned for today (which has happened before). Coincidentally, the blog post I had planned was about tips for grieving children (that will now be shared next week).
One of my previous grief recovery group participants tagged me in a post on Facebook after I had started the other post, and I knew I needed to write about what she shared. In searching for the perfect image for this post, I discovered that not only this week is National Infertility Awareness Week, April is also National Child Abuse Prevention Month. How did I not know about these?
So, there I went, down a rabbit hole of attempting to find a Google calendar I could import into my calendar for days like these so, I didn’t miss special days/weeks/months like these again. Surprisingly, National Infertility Awareness Week (this week) isn’t mentioned! I did find that National Child Abuse Prevention Month listed on a few but not all. What the heck? I did not see National Infertility Week mentioned on a calendar anywhere, except when I went to find an image for it. Boggles my mind!
Anyway, I digress; onto today’s post.
My heart is heavy today; I’m not gonna lie. I’ve had days like this early on, with Covid-19, where I felt this wave of grief just hit me. Today is one of those days. I’m thinking about the woman who tagged me on her post. I’m thinking about how blessed I am that I don’t know what it’s like to struggle to bring a life into this world—blessed not to know the anguish of losing a life that I’ve carried. I should be blessed and grateful, and I am – and I am sorry, so so sorry to those who don’t feel like there is enough gratitude about this in the word. So, I feel like the least I can do is use this platform to bring awareness to infertility and the grief it brings, in a way I know about grief.
Infertility as a Grieving Experience
Infertility is one of those grief experiences that lurks in the dark corners of a desire-to-be mother’s heart (and of her partner as well – we can’t forget them, too). It’s often unheard or talked about openly. And, even in close circles, I imagine, it can feel like, once shared (if at all), it’s business as usual for the world all around. Every loss is different; however, to not know the heartbeat of another inside your womb, to not have the opportunity to experience the first kick, or to have these moments where you feel a connection unlike any other – only for that little life to be taken away. The thought of it breaks my heart.
National Infertility Awareness Week this week is a reminder for us all that womanhood can feel like one of the greatest blessings, and yet, a curse. If you are struggling with infertility or experienced the loss of the most precious gift a woman can receive (in my opinion), I hope you have support. I hope you have a heart with ears in your life, someone who will sit with you in your sadness, perhaps even share in it, too. Because I do believe this is one of those losses that women do shy themselves away from talking about, unfortunately.
The calendar maker-people of the world don’t think to mention it. 🙁
Grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
Grief is: anything we wish would have been different, better, or more.
It is safe to say that infertility (and miscarriage) fully encompass the definition of grief.
Then, there are the precious children who come into this world full of innocence, only for some of them to be on the receiving end of someone else’s hurt. Hurt people hurt people. And, sometimes it’s the little people – whose voices are silenced, and where intimidation is used as a manipulation tactic for control, who end up hurt.
Isn’t it fitting? This month is child abuse prevention month, and it falls during a pandemic, where there’s already enough chaos to go around the world tenfold. Bring all of that chaos into a home that has already been experiencing struggle, hardship, abuse, addiction, etc…and the most vulnerable are the ones who suffer.
Grieving Children Become Grieving Adults
The grief we adults carry (and have carried for who knows how long), is amplified right now. It’s like the grief of the world is in a pressure cooker. Those of us with children, we owe it to our children (and their future) to get our emotional poop in a group. We all learned about cause and effect as kids. This principle applies to our actions and emotions, too. The cost of not facing our emotional dis-ease, is not only costing us our health but also negatively impacting the health and well-being of this world’s future.
Grief is not a disease. It is not a mental illness that needs to be “fixed.” Grief is a normal and natural response to changes in familiar patterns of behavior. And, it is possible to recover from what is emotionally incomplete. “Recovery” doesn’t mean you will forget or that you’ll no longer feel sad. Recovery is completion, allowing you to move forward in your life without being tied to the emotional pain that exists at the end of the relationship or within a grief-causing experience. You may feel that if you lose the pain, then what’s left, right? What happens when the story that I keep telling (that’s looping on repeat in my mind) goes away? That’s the fear of completion, and it is a valid fear. However, how about the fear of never feeling a connection to the person in their entirety again? Instead, only thinking about the person and feel pain? How about the fear of forever being stuck in the past? What if you never allow yourself to live fully in the present? Which fear holds more weight in your heart?
When you grow up with grief, as children of abuse do, and do not have the support a grieving child needs, you become an adult who’s never learned to grieve healthily. And, whatever you’ve learned about grief, you pass on to your children – and so, this cyclic pattern of learned behavior continues for generations and generations.
The Helping Children with Loss program is near and dear to my heart. And today, I think about all of the children who are victims of abuse, and it makes me incredibly sad – but also more determined in this work.
Breaking this cycle of not knowing how to talk about grief and address it starts with you – in your home and your heart.
I dedicate this post to the women who grieve for a child and, for the children grieving who feel unwanted. We need to stop looking away from grief and talk about it like we talk about the weather.
Grief is our world’s pandemic. And we need to stop looking away – from the pain within and around us.
P.S. Are you interested in completing what is emotionally incomplete for you? Are you interested in learning new tools, education, and receive grief support that moves you forward in an action-based way? Seven weeks to emotional freedom from the past that binds you is possible. Click HERE if you’re interested in being the first to know about a new service available in May 2020.
Educational, Grief, Pespective |
We either move toward pleasure or away from pain. However, when grief is backstage in our life, we’re more often than not, motivated to move away from it as fast as we possibly can (toward pleasure). Which, usually, only leads to more pain. Why? Because the original motivator (grief) hasn’t yet made its way to center-stage.
It can be challenging to recognize when we’re grieving, especially when life seems to be going pretty well. You have food on the table, a roof over your head, everyone is healthy – there’s much for which to be grateful. However, you can feel all kinds of thankful for those things, and yet, you can also feel like you’re living life on auto-pilot. You may be pouring yourself into work or home projects. You may be eating, drinking, and being merry with friends and family regularly.
All the while, grief is flowing like a low-tide in your life. And, it’s difficult to recognize because, by outer appearances, things are going well, and you shouldn’t feel how you truly feel. Right?
Grief makes us feel crazy, and it’s quite exhausting. And, it’s often the root motivator in our life. We just don’t identify with it, that is until the rug is swept from underneath us. Grief is forced center-stage, and we’re forced to face it.
Eventually, we either desire the pain to stop; becoming the captain of our own ship and do something about it to move us forward in a positive way. Or, we deny ourselves year after year of living life itself to our fullest potential. This is the sacrifice no one speaks about. And, it’s what took me the longest to come to terms with, in my own grief.
Have you denied yourself of your fullest potential at the cost of grief? The year is 2020. How ironic it is, that grief is now center-stage of our world as a collective; even famous people who’ve never spoken the word “grief” out loud are now talking about it.
Grief is the one thing uniting us all right now. The thing is, it always has been one thing that we all endure in our lifetime. It does not discriminate and knows no bounds.
So, what is coming into focus for you?
Care to share? I love stories and, I’d love to hear yours. Email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com. I won’t share it; it’s between you and me. Pinky-swear.
I am sending you much love today.
P.S. Like this? Share it with someone, and thank you for reading.
Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Reiki, Resources, Spirituality |
We all have that thing; a horrible experience, a needling feeling in our heart, a painful itch you can’t ever seem to scratch.
If you took a drone and hovered it over your life, it might look like days not showering, angry outbursts toward loved ones; hours spent binge-watching reality tv, or hours lying in bed – your mind filled with worry, anxiousness, or fear.
It might also look like “productivity:” hours of exercise, baking, reading fantasy, getting a new pet (which requires countless hours of training), obsessive cleaning/organizing, etc..
Emotional dis-ease manifests differently in our lives for every one of us.
For me, it looked like a mom who felt anxious daily; frazzled and torn between obligation, responsibility and what my heart truly needed – healing. As a parent, I know the struggle with the relationship to time to not only be there for those around you but also create time and space for yourself to look inward.
I feel like there is a massive gap in our culture of self-work and the obligations of being a parent. How do we bridge that gap? How do we create the time and space our hearts need when we’re bombarded by life daily?
Back in 2014, things were coming to a head for me. I was faced with this very dilemma of wanting to figure my shit out so I could finally be content with myself and my life and compartmentalizing all of that so I could be present for my children.
I look back on that time now, and I know I wasn’t present. I know there are gaps in my memory that go far back to my childhood. Whether there are blocks of time I’ve consciously or subconsciously blocked out from my awareness (even as an adult), I’ve yet to discover; however, it’s what I’m currently exploring.
Trauma has a way of creeping up on us after the fact. Often, we don’t recognize it as such either. Instead, it manifests in ways I’ve previously described. But it’s there, like an undercurrent of a flowing river, just going along until it finds its way out. Eventually, it does find a way out.
Making Time and Creating Space for Healing
Self-healing is like peeling back the layers of an onion. Every time we remove one layer, another emerges. Unprocessed emotions have a way of making their presence known when we least expect them to appear, too. We must find a way and the time, even if it means going away for an overnight one day per month. That’s where a program, based on a time-frame was most beneficial for me. I could leave my obligations and responsibilities behind, so I could focus on healing and healing alone. It took years to make it a priority for myself. But, I do feel that what I needed, found its way to me in perfect timing. All the stuff I did leading up to it, stacked up, preparing me for what was to come. So, never discount the little actions, the small things you do daily to nurture healing. It’s often the micro-actions that build the foundation for major emotional shifts and breakthroughs.
The One Thing that Changed My Life
The one thing that has changed my life, above anything else, was beginning to peel back the onion and doing the inner work. Layer by layer, I’m discovering where my heart and soul need healing (even now; it’s a work-in-progress without an “I’ve arrived” date).
Our best selves go into hiding when our brains use logic to make sense of emotionally dangerous situations. All the while, our hearts put up a wall and armor up to the world around us.
Self-discovery is a marathon. There’s no one way to awareness and enlightenment. However, just like in training for a marathon, we are required to take action. And not just action for the sake of taking action. I’m talking intentional and intuitive, hearts-desire action.
I’m partial to The Grief Recovery Method; however, I know it’s the only way. Do I feel it’s the best way to get a good start on your “heart onion?” Absolutely. It’s a guided and safe process that creates a massive dent in the emotional dis-ease we all carry in a set timeframe (i.e. there is something to look forward to – there is hope). Combining it with conventional therapy (which isn’t a requirement) is an even better scenario, depending on your situation. But, I also rely on other means of doing my own “heart-onion” work, too. Reiki has been the hands around my heart, offering support exactly where I need it, as I work through processing the emotional gunk.
And here’s the thing, my gut intuition and a deep desire to live my best life has led to this post I’m writing today. If someone would have told me in 2014 when I was sitting at my kitchen table, not having showered for three days, pouring over self-help content for hours – that I’d be where I’m at today. I would have said, “Amen, Hallelujah – there is hope.”
My Wish for You Today
If you receive anything from today’s blog post, my goal is that you feel a sense of hope come wash over you. Use hope as your guide-post, affirming that better days are ahead. Allow hope to take root in the deepest crevice of your heart today and allow it to lift your spirits.
This is Easter weekend and nothing about it neither looks nor feels like Easter – on television, anyway. So, for the weekend, tune out the television and tune into your heart. Take in the songs of the birds, the smell of orchids, and the sights of new life. And, take a moment to look into your heart; asking God, the Archangels, or universe (whomever you choose) to guide you to whatever it is your heart is calling you to heal using whatever methods feel good to you.
Never lose hope; it is the one thing that keeps, at very least, one foot out of despair.
Sending you so much love and many blessings this Easter weekend.
There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin
P.S. Begining mid-May, I will be certified as an advanced grief recovery method specialist. This will enable me to offer grief recovery one-on-one to anyone, anywhere. If you would like to be in the loop as to when this becomes available (and other applicable info), enter your details HERE. You will also be given the option to receive my weekly newsletter, where I include all news, promotions, and content not shared anywhere else.
