Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Pespective, Resources |
Healing & Moving On Isn’t Forgetting
In a recent podcast interview, the guest, a fellow Grief Recovery Specialist and Parent Educator, used the phrase “living forward” instead of “moving on.” I like that; I think it speaks to the positive more than simply saying “moving on.”
The thing about moving on or living forward is neither is about forgetting, condoning, or minimizing.
Things to Keep in Mind for the Griever You Know
After the loss of a loved one, well-meaning people say things with the hope of encouraging or motivate action for the griever not to dwell. However, what this may cause the griever to do, instead, is to brush aside their grief, minimize what they’re feeling, and do their best to put on a brave face. None of these actions are likely authentic to how they’re feeling and, in turn, only cause more harm and delay healing.
What would be more positive and helpful is if the griever were allowed the time and space to feel how they feel, at the moment they feel it. Anything less is a disservice to themselves, and frankly, anyone else they’re in close relationships with – especially children if the griever is a parent.
What would also be helpful is reiterating to the griever exactly what this post is about; moving on and living forward and working towards healing doesn’t mean the sadness will end. There will always be an empty seat at the table or the relationship that never was quite what they hoped it would be. And, that’s okay. But, as a supporter of a griever, or as a griever reading this, it’s allowing that to be okay, too.
Things to Keep in Mind as a Griever
If you’re reading this through the lens of a griever, I would like to dig more deeply into this idea that moving on (or living forward) means that you’re somehow abandoning that relationship in your heart or betraying the dearly departed in some way. That couldn’t be further from the truth. What would be more hurtful to your loved one is watching you continue to suffer in your sadness.
There are many reasons why grievers suffer in silence. Many reasons are pretty general and similar across the board, including this idea that you have to be strong. No one wants to be looked at like they’re a trainwreck. Rather, it’s far better to look at the role of someone who has their grief game put together, right? You’re not fooling someone like me who is empathic and not only trained in grief but grew up with it being a part of me. I can smell suffering a mile away. Truth be told, I don’t smell it, I feel it, but you get the idea. Your body speaks to me before you even say a word. Sometimes, I can sense what people are struggling with, too. Anyway, I talked about the Myths of Grief on my podcast, which can also be found on my blog. These myths are pretty universal. If you read that article or listen to that podcast episode, you may see yourself in the descriptions of how you’ve responded to life while grieving.
Living Forward
What I would share with you today is that living forward, in other words taking action, is the best thing you can do for yourself today, tomorrow, and for the you that will be reflected in the mirror ten years from now.
Who do you want to be looking back at you?
Do you want to see the grief-stricken, wrung-out from life, beaten down you that you may be feeling like today?
Or, do you want to see yourself as a Phoneix that had risen from the ashes, emotionally stronger than ever before, resilient in your heart, and overcome with gratitude that you found exactly what you needed when you needed it and turned your life around?
How could you possibly forget your loved one?
How could you condone the behavior of someone who hurt you?
You can’t, and you won’t. However, you can take steps forward that enable you to remember your loved one with joy. There may be sadness, too, but it won’t be debilitating or derailing sadness.
And, you can live forward, rewriting your future script that doesn’t include the trauma or the pain of what was done against you that hurt you. Or, the relationship won’t continue to have the same effect on you, acting as the driver in your life, dictating and influencing every future decision you make. Even if we end a relationship with someone living, don’t be fooled to believe that the relationship ends. If you have anything left emotionally incomplete, that relationship is continuing whether you like to admit it or not. And, even if you do work through it, there will always be things that come up within less than loving relationships or estranged relationships that require attention. It’s how you will choose to address those things that will either impede your growth or aid you in your evolution.
My hope is that after reading this blog post, you recognize that honoring your future by taking action today is how you honor your loved one, too. For those less than loving or estranged relationships, it’s how you honor your present and future.
What small action can you take today that will help you live forward?
To taking action! 💛
Death/Dying, Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Pespective, Resources |
Photo by Lukas Rychvalsky from Pexels
What to Expect When Grieving Someone
If you have lost someone you love, you know what a difficult process navigating grief can be. You may feel as though you are in a dark place and that things will never get better. This is not the case at all; in fact, it’s more than possible that things will become easier, and there is certainly a light at the end of the tunnel. If you want to know what’s normal in the grieving process, read on to learn more.
Trying Not to Face the Pain
If you are grieving for someone, then you may try and avoid experiencing the pain that comes with your loss. You may try and ignore it or feel the need to move on as fast as possible. This is normal, but you have to understand that if you try and keep it from surfacing, this will only create more suffering in the long run. If you want to heal truly, you need to face your grief, and you need to actively deal with it as much as you can. As a society, it’s ingrained in us, since the time we were babies, to not cry. We are shushed from the day we are born if you think about it! So, whether we are in physical or emotional pain, the truth of the matter is: we need our tears. Tears are a natural bodily function of release.
On the flip side, many people think that if you do not cry, you are not sorry about the loss that you have experienced. Crying is a normal way for you to respond to sadness, but it is not the only way. It would be best not to avoid crying, but not feeling like you need to cry is also very normal. Just because you are not shedding tears like everyone else doesn’t mean that you are not taking the loss as hard. For some, the tears may not come for several weeks, months, or even years. Grief is funny like that; it’s often cumulative losses that build up in the soul that eventually cause a flood of emotion. And, if the grief isn’t expressed with tears, I would guarantee the grief is manifesting in many other ways.
In the early days after a loss, when you’re busy looking up information about cemetery grave markers, choosing a casket, and making all of the necessary arrangements, it’s normal to be in reactionary mode, not really being able to process the loss that occurred. Often, it’s after the funeral, when the guests have all left, and life settles back to normal for everyone else, where reality sets in – as does the pain.
Replacing the Loss
We are taught how to acquire things (or people), not what to do when we lose them. When we lose someone, something, or a pet, in time, we often find ourselves attempting to replace the loss. We so badly want to fill the void that the loss caused. Rather than addressing the pain associated with the loss instead, we have this belief that by having someone, something, or another pet to direct our love and attention to that we’ll feel better. And, we might – for a time. However, if we accepted that no one or thing we love so dearly could ever be replaced, we would be forced to deal with the pain, wouldn’t we? Because once we know this to be true, we can’t un-know it. It’s normal and natural with loss, but it certainly is far from helpful for our recovery.
Isolation
I’m hard-wired for isolation; it’s truly a tendency to retreat when I’m feeling anxious, depressed, irritable, or overwhelmed by life. What I know about myself is that I do need time to be alone and reflect. I need to sit and stew in my emotions while I process them. I’m not a candidate for “talk therapy” for this reason, as many reading this can probably relate to. I’m also empathic, easily taking on other people’s energy and emotions, which makes it doubly hard when dealing with my own “stuff.” Also, when I attempted to speak up in the past, and the conversation became about the other person, it only reinforced the tendency to isolate myself in my grief.
Healthy isolation isn’t a problem if the intention is, as I mentioned, for time to reflect and process. However, if you find yourself isolating and drinking, and isolating and cutting, or isolating and watching porn/online shopping/Netflix-binging incessantly, then you may have an isolation issue. If you find yourself saying “No” to outings and invitations from friends or loved ones on a continual ongoing basis, you’re probably isolating yourself. And, if you aren’t talking to anyone about anything you’re experiencing, you’re probably working extra hard at isolating yourself.
Isolation adds to the gunk you’re already feeling. Because not allowing your pain to be seen or heard only makes you feel more alone. We do not heal on an island of one; we heal in community.
Attempting to Stay Strong
You may also feel the need to be strong for others if you have experienced loss. Feeling scared, frightened, or even lonely can be a normal reaction if you have lost someone. You have to remember that crying doesn’t mean that you are weak. You don’t need to protect your family and friends by trying to put on a brave front. In fact, showing the way that you truly feel can help both them and you. Often, it takes someone to go first in sharing for others to feel as though it’s also safe and okay for them to share, too. Therefore, allowing your vulnerability to show will likely have an impact on those around you. Sure, there may be those who would prefer it if you would keep your mouth shut. However, as I mentioned, that is only causing more harm in the long run. Permit yourself to feel how you feel and express what you need to express. Grief shared is grief diminished. And, especially when a loss leaves children behind, I speak from experience when I say that having open and honest communication about death, dying, and grief can change how children process their grief well into adulthood. Avoiding those conversations with children while they’re young is a great disservice to their emotional health later in life. By shushing a child from expressing their grief and sadness only causes more harm. And, no one has to die for a child to experience grief. Whatever struggle a child is having, if they don’t feel like they have a safe space to talk, they will isolate just as many adults do. Isolating adults were once isolating children.
Keeping Busy
“Just take up a hobby,” someone may say to a griever (thinking this is helpful advice). Or, “I’m keeping myself busy by working overtime,” a griever may say.
Keeping busy doesn’t change what happened. Keeping busy doesn’t erase the feelings stuck within you either. And, keeping busy only helps pass the time, which only passes, too, by the way.
Keeping busy does nothing for healing and moving forward. You may think you’re doing great while you pour yourself into your work or jump headfirst from one hobby to the next. But all you’re really doing is preoccupying your mind from getting too quiet so you can hear your heart. It’s painful there, in your heart, feeling all the feels. I know this to be true like every other griever out there.
Getting quiet is the fastest way to getting beyond the stuck feelings, though. It’s the path of most resistance but reaps the greatest rewards when confronted in a guided, supported, self-serving and loving way.
You’re already busy going, going, going…you may as well be going in a positive direction, taking action for positive change rather than doing all the things in an attempt to avoid. Be like the buffalo that heads directly into the eye of the storm; they don’t run from or skirt around. No, they go straight through. That’s what it takes to get beyond the pain, too.
Feeling like the Grief Won’t End
It’s very normal for you to feel as though the grief you are experiencing is never-ending. You may also feel as though you should be “over it” by now. It doesn’t matter if you feel like you have been grieving for well over a year or ten years. There’s no set time frame on how long you should be grieving, so make sure that you understand that this is normal and put yourself first.
Time passes; it doesn’t heal our wounds. It’s the action we take within time that helps us to process, work through, and emerge on the other empowered and feeling alive. We often feel like we don’t have choices in grief. I’ve read various shares on social media about how grief makes you feel isn’t a choice. That is correct. We don’t choose to feel how grief leaves us feeling. However, we do then have to choose if we want to remain in those feelings.
We have a choice if we continue to ruminate the story of what happened, replaying all of the details over and over in our minds.
We have a choice to be taken back to those excruciating, put-you-in-the-fetal-position feelings, or if we share from a place of love and compassion without the emotional dis-ease taking us back in time over and over and over again.
We do have choices in grief, and whether we’re taking action to move forward or ruminating – either is a choice we make each day that passes after a loss of any kind.
What is your takeaway from this post today?
Can you relate to any of these normal and natural responses to grief?
Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness |
Uncomfortable Conversations
How many conversations have you avoided because you were afraid to rock the boat, appear to be too emotional or analytical, or downright scared to expose your heart?
Sharing your heart with others through uncomfortable conversations is a lot like being back in a middle school locker room. Just as your personal body is open to criticism, analysis, and judgment from others, so is the heart when your deepest feelings are shared in uncomfortable conversations.
An uncomfortable conversation can be speaking up for yourself for the first time about what you need, from a relationship to telling your parents you’re not pursuing a career they had their sights on for you since the time you were walking. Or, it can be coming out as gay for the first time or any other secret that’s leaving you feeling emotionally twisted in your gut when attempting to shield yourself from the truth of what you’re so afraid to share.
We are confronted with a choice to dive into uncomfortable conversations more times than we probably realize. Still, the decision to not “go there” is often made in a split-second thought that we quickly put that decision out of our minds. That being said, the restlessness we feel about the need to express ourselves emotionally doesn’t go away. Instead, by denying ourselves a release by lifting the weight of what feels like a secret or even conflicting feelings, you are only hurting yourself.
Sometimes, the suffering we cause ourselves by not unburdening our hearts is worse than the act or after-effects of sharing our heart’s truth.
Granted, there is a time and place for sharing. There is also a tactful and thoughtful way to express ourselves too. Information is far better received when we stick to how we feel rather than what we perceive as facts. Because our perceptions are all different, I can look at an image and see something completely different than the person next to me because we all perceive the world around us differently; filtering the world through the five senses of our personal experiences. I experienced this full-on in my Reiki Master certification, the same process as everyone else, but no two experiences of attunements and ignitions were the same.
If there is a difficult conversation, here are a few questions to ask yourself first:
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
We can sometimes make mountains out of molehills, so asking yourself these questions first may actually spare you further suffering. And, by necessity, I like to think of it, not as your feelings are not valid; rather, five years from now, will it matter? This comes back to possibly making a mountain out of a molehill.
May I Suggest…
If, after asking yourself the three questions above, you still feel that what you need to share needs to be said out loud (rather than working through how your experience may be a projection of your inner world), then it may be worth role-playing out loud. Create a checklist of the main points you want to express, then role-play in the mirror, saying the very things you need to say to the other person. After doing this exercise, you may even find that you feel better, and the situation seems to resolve itself, almost like magic. And, if it’s a situation that is complex or devastating, this will still be helpful. I suggest this to get clear and experience the emotions behind the words. When you go to have the conversation, you’re better able to focus on what needs to be said and not derail the opportunity to fully express yourself because you’re emotionally charged. Discharge some of that emotion first, so you can clearly articulate and express how you feel.
Grief recovery has helped me in unexpected ways, recognize the importance of addressing my emotions first before endeavoring into uncomfortable (and difficult) conversations. And, there have been more times than I can count, that after taking some time to step back and observe what’s going in within me, that I’ve been able to address the conflict in myself that was being reflected in the relationship with the other person.
Self-awareness: it’s a beautiful thing. 💛
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Living Unleashed, Podcast |
Apologies and Forgiveness
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Do you have a difficult time apologizing? Is there someone you wish you could forgive?
Apologies and forgiveness are two of the pillars and cornerstones of grief recovery. And, the beautiful thing about both, is they don’t require us to confront anyone, in person. And, even if the person is deceased, we are still able to process the feelings around apologies and forgiveness.In this episode, you will learn:
- What an apology is.
- How “forgiveness” and “condoning” differ.
- What to do if you’re a victim of abuse.
- What to do if the “offender” is living?
and more…
Mentioned in the episode:
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
______
WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
We’re not taught how to effectively process what it is we’re feeling. And a huge component of the work that I do in grief recovery is about apologies and forgiveness. And initially, this week was going to be about intangible losses, which are the kind of loss that it’s not the death of a loved one or divorce or it’s like the secondary losses; it’s those things that not specific to a person. However, it can be a ripple loss due to the loss of a loved one.
So, for example, let’s say you get a divorce. Well, it’s the loss of maybe the life that you had, the home that you had, the support the financial support that you had, there’s a lot of other loss that happens in divorce and death of a spouse or death of a loved one, things like that. In the case of being a victim or being victimized, we can have a loss of trust, a loss of self-worth, loss of faith. That’s a big one. So that’s initially what I was going to talk about. But there was a conversation with some girlfriends recently and it kind of sparked this. I got a little revved up about it, actually; in talking about, we often talk about the story of what it is that happened to us. And which is easy to do, right? Someone asks you to tell the story, but rarely do people ask how it made you feel. And if someone were to ask you well, how did that make you feel? That’s probably when you would get the emotions coming up for you. That’s when you might realize, maybe I haven’t processed everything fully. Maybe there’s more to dig into here. Maybe there’s something residual that is still lying dormant. Things can provoke us. That might happen and provoke us and cause us to reflect on a certain time in the past or when we were victimized or experienced trauma. And that’s an indicator if especially if you have a physical response to that, it’s that muscle memory.
When We Apologize
But there’s emotion tied to that. There’s going to be an emotional residual residue that makes sense, emotional residue. I’ll say that emotional residue from that experience unless we’ve learned how to effectively process it and take actual action with the apologies and forgiveness that I’m going to talk about today. So when we apologize, we’re actually apologizing for anything that we did or did not do that may have hurt someone else. So let’s say when we steal something from someone else, we apologize. That was for something that we did. When it comes to apologies, the focus is on ourselves and how we perceive our own actions or inactions. Grief recovery helps you work through the apologies like these for a relationship in which you are incomplete. And the beautiful thing about it is that you don’t have to apologize in person. In fact, some should remain private and indirect. For example, if you cause someone physical harm or emotional damage, what if they don’t accept your apology? You haven’t helped the relationship; there aren’t any mended fences, and what more likely, the person may not accept it. And that’s where forgiveness is often intertwined with apologies in this manner. The other person hasn’t worked through forgiveness, and they likely wouldn’t accept an apology.
Forgive Yourself
That’s why it’s so important that we work through and process apologies and forgiveness, for the most part, privately. Now, I’m not saying never apologize when you know you’re in the wrong, don’t hang your hat on it being accepted, and acknowledged that it’s not their responsibility to absolve you of your feelings. And this is where we must forgive ourselves, which is also an inside job. So what if, though you are a victim, whether you survived a physical assault or emotional, psychological abuse, many people develop lifelong relationships with their pain and act like victims. I personally experienced this. And that’s why I have a whole chapter devoted to victim mindset in my book; this became one of the biggest veils of my potential in my life. And what do I mean by that the biggest veil? Because I like to think of grief as a veil, a veil that covers our eyes to ourselves and how we see ourselves and how we see the world. So when things didn’t go right in my life, or someone let me down or took advantage of me in various ways. Yet again, I didn’t see that my default and automatic response to my life circumstances were to slip into being the victim.
Being a child that is physically and emotionally taken advantage of lays the foundation of learned behavior, to be in survival mode, fearful of the future, an inability to live in the present, and a skewed sense of what nurturing love and compassion really look like. Therefore, victims have a really hard time apologizing. How and Why would I need to apologize to the person who molested me as a child? How and Why would I need to apologize to the person who sexually assaulted me? These are big questions and not easy ones to process. However, I have learned that even the slightest transgression should be given a voice. We, humans, have a desire to be right. And it’s this need to be right rather than happy that causes us additional suffering. We can be right, or we can be happy. And often, the hardest apology to give is the one that needs to be given. If I apologize, you may be wondering, isn’t that absolving someone of their responsibility, and what happened? No, it is merely owning your role in the relationship, not necessarily the incident. But no matter how slight it is, it’s important to give it a voice.
Forgiveness Becomes our Friend
To really move beyond the emotional suffering of being a victim. Forgiveness becomes our friend. Forgiveness is giving up the hope of a different or better yesterday. And being a victim, forgiveness does not equal condoning. These two terms are misunderstood in our society, and that the belief is that if we forgive, we are condoning the behavior. Webster’s dictionary, though, defines forgive as to cease to feel resentment against an offender. Whereas condone means to treat as trivial, harmless, or of no importance. If these two words meant the same thing, we would never be able to forgive. This implies we’re trivializing horrible events. And as a victim, you would never do that. However, if we talk about forgiveness, now that’s on the path to healing. When we get stuck on the story of past traumatic or victimizing events, it limits us and restricts our ability to participate fully in our life. And I can personally attest to this, especially once I had my three kids for sure. Forgiveness is the completion of the pain. The opposite is the retention of resentment. When we forgive, we are acquiring our own sense of well-being. Forgiveness is an action; it’s not a feeling. And you cannot feel forgiveness until you do it. Action first, feeling follows. Forgiveness is giving up the resentment you hold against another person.
So what if the other person you need to forgive is living? That’s another beautiful thing about grief recovery. You do this privately without ever saying one word to the other person. We never want to forgive someone directly to their face. Because again, what if the person on the receiving end didn’t realize or believe that they did anything wrong? You’re your back in emotional jail, and the other person’s defenses go way up. Finally, what about asking for forgiveness? When you do this, it’s manipulating. You are asking someone to do something you need to do for yourself. If you are asking for forgiveness, what you’re really needing and trying to do is apologize.
Through Grief Recovery
Don’t ask for forgiveness; instead, make an apology. And through grief recovery, you can address apologies and forgiveness and so much more for any relationship to someone living or deceased through taking empowering action for your well-being. Well, there you have the information I needed to share today on apologies and forgiveness. And I really feel like I’ve kind of flew through it. But take your time, listen through it again if you need to, and reflect on your life on where you need to apologize or forgive where you’re waiting for an apology that you may never get and forgive that person for the apology you will never receive. Resentment is a poison that we take hoping the other person dies. And the apologies and the forgiveness components were probably the most significant portions of the grief recovery method for me personally because I was a victim of sexual assault sexual abuse. And there was a lot that I needed to process through too many relationships with people living in my life that required me to wrap my head around and fully embrace forgiveness and apologies and not for the other person, but rather for myself for my well-being.
P.S. So, this is very empowering work. And if you want to learn more, I encourage you to reach out if you have a question about apologies or forgiveness, don’t hesitate to email me [email protected], or you can DM me, I’m on Facebook, and Instagram messaged me there, wherever you feel comfortable to reach out. If this was helpful to you, if you found this informative, if it resonated with you, I would love for you to share it with someone who needs to hear this message today.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast |
Grief Shaming
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY
Grievers are often on the receiving end of some hurtful, even harmful, unsolicited advice. They’re often told how they should be grieving, how long, and how they should be feeling. Analytical, judgemental, and criticizing comments like these go back to all of the Myths of Grief that I talk about in Episode 4.
In this episode, I use widows and widowers as my example of what to say and what not to say to the griever after the death of their spouse/significant other. In this episode, you will learn those tips and more, including taking faith into consideration. We don’t all believe the same, therefore, it’s important to use caution when it comes to faith-based remarks.
Referenced in this episode:
Episode 4: Myths of Grief
Episode 6: The Manifestation of Grief (STERBS discussed in this episode)
Grief Support
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
______
WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
It’s important because of how Grievers slip into the myths of grief. You know, the Don’t feel bad, replace the loss. All of those things that I’ve talked about many times; grieve alone, be strong, keep busy, and time heals all wounds. It’s these messages that we receive as Grievers from society from well-intentioned people in our lives, who likely have not swept their own doorstep in terms of addressing their own grief. But yet people tend to share unsolicited advice of what other Grievers should be doing shouldn’t be doing, how long they should be grieving or shouldn’t be grieving. And this post is about that.
People are Well-Intentioned
Social media can be an excellent tool to reconnect with family and friends and stay connected and nurture new relationships. However, there’s also a less favorable side to social media. And we all know there’s cyberbullying, which is an issue not only for teens but also for adults. But have you ever considered the harmful things people say to others who are grieving, and maybe things that you’ve even spoken to others who are grieving? I think this is especially true right now, as we all address and deal with COVID. But I believe people are well-intentioned. However, even well-intentioned people can do some emotional damage to an already hurting heart. In fact, 85% of the things people say to the widowed, for example, are not helpful. And I will be talking about widows or widowers in this post, using that loss as an example because it is very common. So think about how you can apply what I share today to other types of losses as you listen. But you know, furthermore, there can be remarks made in response to someone sharing about their grief online that tell the person how they should be over their grief by now or how they should be presently handling it. Or maybe people go as far as to tell the person to stop sharing their emotional pain online.
I’ve actually seen this, and people that I’ve worked with through grief recovery have shared with me that this has been said to them. And I’m going to call this for what it is. It is grief shaming. Instead of body shaming people, Grievers become victims of grief shaming. It’s the critical, analytical, and judgmental responses to sharing their emotional pain. And this term came to me during a conversation with my mentor. I had not heard this term before. And in the process of actually creating the blog post, I googled it. And Alas, I can say it’s not an original idea. And I’ve read several other blog posts by Grievers who have felt grief shamed themselves. So this topic is not something new. But I think it’s essential to bring to light the emotional damage unhelpful comments can do. And it ultimately boils down to the fact that society has no idea what to do or say in response to grief.
When Grief Recovery Institute Started
When John James had started the grief recovery Institute, he chose the name grief recovery, despite being told by many that people will not want to talk about grief. And that is why he chose the phrase grief recovery. The narrative around grief needed to change then. Which was, at the time, in the late 70s. And it still needs to change. Unfortunately, what I find with grief recovery is when you begin to give yourself compassion, and recovery opens your heart more fully to the pain of others. Grief recovery isn’t only about healing. It’s educational, too. And I think we all would agree that we could use more knowledge when it comes to grief. So back to grief shaming, which to me is the feeling the griever has after sharing their emotional pain, and others share remarks that are criticizing, judging, and analyzing of what the griever shared. I’ve said it before. But grief involves healing a broken heart, not a broken brain. And the more other people attempt to fix widows and widowers, for example, or any griever with intellectual comments and advice, the more isolated they feel. They might even start to think something is wrong with them because they are still grieving.
11 Things not to say to a Widow or Widower
Be grateful for the time you were married.
You’re still young; you can always remarry.
You must stay strong for your children.
Don’t feel bad; your husband is no longer in pain. And that’s you know, especially if they died of an illness.
Your wife wouldn’t want you to be sad; she’d want you to celebrate her life.
Everything happens for a reason.
This might be a good time for you to get a new pet or take up a new hobby.
Make sure you donate all your husband’s stuff to charity; you don’t need any reminders of him.
Make sure you don’t throw away any of your wife’s stuff; you will regret it. It just takes time.
And finally, I know what you’re going through.
And then the person starts talking about their own loss.
Online or in-person remarks like these are not helpful because although they may be intellectually valid, they’re not addressing the feelings of the heart. Therefore they’re doing more damage than good. The griever is left feeling shame or embarrassment for sharing in the first place. When all they’re trying to do is process what they’re feeling. I’ll say this until I’m blue in the face. We don’t know what to do with our feelings when it comes to grief. Expressing them in the only way we know or are familiar with is what we resort to instead. And when a griever hears judgment, criticism, or analysis, they end up grieving in isolation.
So tell me, is it any wonder why our obesity rate is what it is? Why our alcohol and drug addiction is an epidemic? How the debt of individuals also accrue continually increase over time? Of course, this is due to many reasons. However, on average, and 2019 people are spending just as much of their income on paying down current debt as they are on accruing new debt for clothes and trips. According to a nationwide study, so that was 2019, I am not sure what the numbers would be for 2020, considering we had COVID. However, essentially, Americans are paying billions overall in interest and are continually in debt. In grief recovery, these modes of distraction, such as food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, workaholism, or gambling, and many more, in our lives are called STERBS, short-term energy relieving behaviors. And I actually have an episode on that a while back. And I could do a whole topic of that, just a podcast episode again, probably on that as well. But I digress back to shame, grief shaming yet again.
Here are helpful things to say to a Widow or Widower Instead
What happened? Ask what happened, then listen to their reply. You can do the most loving thing for widows and widowers who want and need to be listened to is to do just that, without judgment, comparison, or trying to fix them.
And it may also be helpful to ask how they felt at the time because often, two people get wrapped up in the story of what happened, but they’re rarely asked how it made them feel.
Another thing you can say is, I don’t know what to say. And it’s okay to tell the truth if you don’t know what to say. Your honesty allows the widowed to know you’re a safe person to talk to because they’ll know you aren’t trying to fix them.
Another thing to say, I can’t imagine how you feel. No two relationships are the same because they are comprised of two different people. So even if you’ve had a spouse die, you could never know exactly how another widow or widower feels.
At best, only you know how you felt when your loss occurred. Comparing losses is never helpful when offering advice or suggestions.
It breaks my heart to hear of your loss. This is a good one. Following up with a fond memory of the person who died also expresses how their loved one touched your life.
You can also give an emoji of a sad face or tears. You know we are in a time of texting and messaging and things like that we often don’t see people face to face. But just sending emojis, expressing your feelings is a far more positive response to their pain. Rather than telling them, they shouldn’t feel bad.
Regardless of the griever or the type of loss they’ve endured, the most helpful things you could say are likely not what your impulses tell you to say. So I caution you when replying to agree or sharing online or in person. Instead, dig into your heart, not your head, and approach the situation as if you’re holding the griever’s heart in your hands.
We are all Grievers
Utilize the suggestions I have given and change them up to reflect their loss and maybe even help to imagine them as a child. Because often adults say things to other adults that they would never say to a child. And you know, what? Aren’t we all holding our inner child in our hearts? We carry all of our losses with us from childhood into adulthood. Therefore, we are all Grievers. It’s just some are willing to admit it to others when the most compassionate thing they could do for themselves is to admit it to themselves. So another thing to keep in mind. While you may have found great assistance in your faith at times of personal loss, do not assume that this is the best way to assist others. Grievers, especially those dealing with an emotional loss caused by death, might still find themselves in emotional pain while still being secure in their relationship to their faith.
They may even have conflicting feelings regarding their faith as well, primarily if religion or faith was used against them in past loss experiences. Their relationship to their emotions and their faith are two different things. Many Christians often forget that the shortest sentence in the Bible is Jesus wept. It’s only reasonable that mere mortals might cry as well, even if their beliefs are strong. And it is my opinion that the Bible does not tell us the how of recovering from grief. Or faith can undoubtedly help us through the darkest of the days. When thoughts of your loved one come to mind, in fond memories turn, painful recovery has not occurred. You may have convinced yourself you are. However, when another significant emotional loss occurs later and stacks on top of the ones before it, you will be taken back to that old familiar pain you experienced before. The past hurt and pain will rise again to the surface. And when this happens, think about the STERBS that I mentioned go back to that episode as well.
Recovery is an Ongoing Process
Our minds concoct all kinds of ways to distract ourselves from our hearts. And I’ve only begun to scratch the surface on this topic. And as you’ve been listening (or reading), you may believe you’ve been doing just fine with your grief. But something you’ve heard (or read) is perhaps needling at you, pressing a button on your heart that makes you squirm in your seat. Perhaps you even want to email me and tell me I’ve got it all wrong – I get that. What we resist persists. And I know you because I was you and still am you in ways because recovery is an ongoing process. I am a work in progress. You are a work in progress. And healing is a work in progress, too. However, recovery is only in progress. Once we can admit to ourselves that we need it, tell the truth about ourselves – to ourselves. Start there. And when you’re ready, you know where to find me. So I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
Have you felt grief shamed? Have you recognized where you may have been grief-shamed by someone else? And if that’s the case, you know what, forgive yourself for that. And if you need to offer an apology, do so. Seek out education about grief, how to support others, how to support yourself. This is why I’m so passionate about grief education. Because as we start to work on ourselves, it creates ripples. And this work that I’ve done on myself has definitely created ripples in my life.
P.S. I hope this was helpful to you. Apply it to any losses that you’ve maybe encountered and will encounter because grief isn’t going away anytime soon. I thank you for listening. Reach out to me if you have any questions. If you are interested in any of the services I provide, if you want to dig deeper into your grief, reach out to me [email protected], or you can find me on Instagram or Facebook. I hope this finds you well today, and I wish you much love.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast |
Can You Recover From Grief?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Do you believe that you do not have any undelivered emotional communications?
Do you believe that you’ve made peace in a relationship with someone who’s died?
Discover, in today’s episode, the truth behind these questions, after you’ve heard some examples of what “undelivered communications” may look like in your day-to-day life. And, more importantly, why there’s hope.
We often neglect to share our hearts with others, for fear of sounding silly, making the other person upset, or for fear of rejection. We also neglect to tell the truth about ourselves if we don’t feel safe to do so as well. This is often the case within the context of dysfunctional relationships.
Learn today if you have some unfinished emotional business and also learn a bit about a new offering that is near and dear to my heart toward the end.
Mentioned in today’s episode:
Miranda Lambert | The House That Built Me
Helping Children with Loss
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
I’m pretty sure you’re probably thinking, heck no, because if you’re a longtime grieving like I was 30 plus years, you’re probably thinking there is no hope. I’m always going to feel this way. I’m always going to be struggling with this. And I’m here to tell you, there is hope. You see the truth is the key to recovery. And not long ago, a good friend of mine, Michelle shared a quote on her Instagram and I’d like to read it to you. When we first tried to open her eyes after sleep it hurts. Truth gives us the same pain when it illuminates our minds. This is not an excuse to hide from it. Very true. And I thought of grief. As I read that. I’m not sure if that was necessarily her intent of it. I don’t believe it was but it’s pretty easy for me to tie everything back to grief. And so that quote definitely made me think of grief. If you’re interested in learning more about my friend Michelle and her wise words, you can find her on Instagram @happymemichelle. I also wanna share an excerpt from the grief recovery handbook. The essence of recovery is contained in the premise of being totally honest about ourselves in relation to others. However, as humans, it is virtually impossible not to have impressions and opinions about others. So we must allow that our perception of others may limit or restrict our recovery. Being super critical of what others did or did not do usually leads to an inaccurate appraisal of our relationship with them. How’s that for a truth bomb for you? Right?
Grief Recovery is Possible
Whether you’re grieving someone or a relationship or aspects of a relationship you don’t like, even if you have strong resentment or even hate. I’m here to tell you that grief recovery is possible. Do you believe you do not have any undelivered emotional communications? If you do, I’m going to tell you right now, that’s likely false. What you may not consider is that we really struggle to share our inner thoughts with others. Don’t you agree with that? If my son, heaven forbid, he’s 15. His name is Xavier. If he were to die tomorrow, I know that I haven’t shared everything with him that I appreciate what’s hurt me or that I admire about him. For example, he’s amazing with young children. And he’s patient and he’s playful, and he devotes all his attention to those little ones. He also has respect for his elders, he’ll open doors, he says please, and thank you, and most of their lawn just because he is a very good kid. And he approaches every goal with determination. And you know what? He doesn’t know all of these things. Because I haven’t told him. When was the last time you shared communications like this with your child, parent, sister, spouse? When was the last time you shared your heart with someone? What they mean to you? Maybe even how they’ve hurt you?
Or how about when trust has been broken with a friend? Do they know? We often avoid the hard conversations to for fear of rocking the boat, ruffling feathers, or avoiding confrontation. So yes, I am 99.9% certain that as you’re listening to this, that you have undelivered emotional communications with friends or foes and that both positive and negative, you may have unfinished business. If there was a long-term illness and you’re a caregiver, you were likely preoccupied as the caregiver, and not one you cared for was the patient-focused on their illness and their treatment and their medication and focused on just getting better. You can’t speak to each other like you normally would. Or how about the instance of divorce? It isn’t until the sense of finality when the gunk hits us. What if it’s a negative relationship? And you have lots of hopes and dreams, you hope to mend fences, you may wait for an apology that you’ll never get. And doing that my friend keeps you in emotional jail. If it’s a dysfunctional home, you may have realized that you missed out on a normal, healthy childhood; what would have been normal. Understand that unfinished emotions attach themselves to future events.
My Childhood Experience
I’ll use my personal experience to illustrate how unfinished emotions attach themselves to future events. In my childhood, I had been molested. And because of that, I developed a lack of trust, a lack of self-worth. I sought out unhealthy relationships. I had been looking for someone to fill a need that I couldn’t give myself. I was filled with shame. I also abused alcohol. And I got myself into unsafe situations. And I took risks. And I didn’t care. There’s a song by Miranda Lambert called the house that built me. And it was a song that really spoke to me in my 20s into my 30s and really captured a lot of what I had been feeling in terms of grief and things like that. And part of the lyrics goes like this: I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it’s like I’m someone else. I thought maybe I could find myself. If I could just come in, I swear I’ll leave; won’t take nothing but a memory from the house that built me. You leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can. I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am. The lyrics in that song encompass a lot of what I had been feeling for many years. And now that you likely realize that you have to unfinished business, emotional business within a relationship, or undelivered emotional communications. I will share that yes, you can recover from grief due to the examples I gave or too many other causes.
Evidence-Based Program
And now I’ll share a little bit of how the grief recovery method is the only evidence-based program for moving beyond impact processing grief. The only one. It’s not based on evidence. It’s evidence-based. Meaning it’s not based on testimonials. It’s actually based on actual data that had been conducted in a study I can’t University. So yes, this program works. If you do the work and continue to apply the tools and education you receive to every relationship that you have. That is emotionally incomplete. I have applied this method to relationships with people in my life living deceased, to alcohol, which by the way I’m nine months now alcohol-free. I’ve applied it to money, my inner child or that relationship I have to myself. This is the one method that I come back to over and over and over. It is why I cannot not talk about it. When I say it’s changed my life that is not Fufu talk. I look back on who I was on that plane to Austin, Texas in March 2019. And who I am now and it’s apples and oranges. The changes I’ve made in my life, the impact that this program has had on my heart, and the ripples it’s created to still to this day still. Just blow my mind. And you know what, there were unexpected results as well and changes because not everyone in your life will be comfortable with your growth. And sometimes we outgrow relationships. But know that even if that happens, even if the people that you are closest to, start fading to the background, as they start to recognize and see these changes that you go through. Know that you’ll have grief recovery to fall back on to process that relationship as well. This is an educational program, as much as it is a therapeutic one. Even though it’s not therapy, it’s just very therapeutic. But it’s tools that you will have in your back pocket for the rest of your life. And you know what they say about education? No one, no one can take your education away from you.
Do you believe me now? When I say that you can recover from grief? Do you recognize that you may have emotional undelivered communications and unfinished business with the relationship in your life? These are big questions if you’re honest, and you tell the truth to yourself, about what it is that is still emotionally incomplete for you. That’s when you start to realize where the healing needs to start where it needs to take place where you’ve got some work to do. And I’m laying out a program for you. It’s here, it’s right here. And it’s available to you, no matter where you are, no matter where you’re listening to this, I can work with you one on one online. And we can start as soon as you’re ready. It is an incredible time, right now. There’s a lot of change. There’s a lot of dis-ease in our lives. There’s a lot of unrest going on in the world. But I’ll tell you one thing if you start to dig into your heart, and you start to do this work, and you start to peel back the onion that’s filled with all of the gunk, and the layers of hurt. And all of that stuff. If you start to peel that back, bit by bit, you feel lighter and lighter and lighter. And that is how I came home on that plane.
There is Hope
Back in March of 2019. I came home so much lighter, and an emotional boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. Now, I’m not going to say that it’s going to be as dramatic or it’s going to feel as massive of a shift that I felt. Because grief is individual. And it’s unique to each and every one of us. But if you’ve listened to this podcast long enough, or if you’ve read my book or if you read my blog at all, you will know that I’ve had a lot of grief in my life. So if I can share that this works for me and that it can work for you. That’s my hope. That is hope. And so when I open this podcast today, I said that maybe this episode is more about hope. And I think it is. So I’m going to leave you with that today that there is hope. As you listen to this, as you’ve reflected on your life, the losses that you’ve endured, the pain, the suffering, the hurt, know that I’ve been there too, for many years, and it is often the things that we can’t say to people. And I’m getting emotional as I start to say this. But this method can change your life. Like it changed mine. Because the hard things that we can’t say to people that we feel like we can’t say that we don’t feel safe, sane. We don’t need to say them to the other person. We can utilize this program and the container that it is delivered in and with me as a facilitator to address what is emotionally incomplete and a safe, supported, step-by-step way.
I’ve been sharing about the helping children with Loss Program, which is another phenomenal program based on the grief recovery method, but it’s specifically for the adults in children’s lives. It is the program that I wish my mother would have known about. That I wish if she would have known about that, she would have utilized it because I don’t know that I would have suffered in my life. As much as I had the opportunity to process this grief, way back when that program, the helping children with Loss Program is prevention. That’s where this program that I’ve been talking about today is recovery. But there is actually a program for prevention. And that’s why I’m very passionate as well about that program.
P.S. I hope you feel the hope in my heart for you.
