Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Parent Loss |
Losing a parent is a complex experience. You may feel shock, anger or frustration, or a combination of all three. Other common experiences include feeling guilty if you weren’t there for their death or a sense of the current situation not feeling like a reality.
As a child and even when you become an adult, you expect to have your parents around for many years to come. You believe that they’re going to be there, watching over you, providing you with their help and support until you’re well into adulthood yourself. But that’s not how it always works out. Many people lose parents early as I did (age 8).
Therefore, in this post, we take a look at some of the things that you can do after you lose a parent (from an adult perspective) and why the experience is so complex.
Do What You Need To Do To Take Care Of Your Wellbeing
Grief can have a profound physiological effect on the body. That’s because it puts you into a state of shock and can often happen without any warning. Even if you have forewarning, there is nothing that finalizes a loss like that person’s death. Even though you may know it’s coming, the finality of it often doesn’t hit until after the loved one passes. You may feel as though the person is already gone, depending on the circumstances (such as in the case of terminal illness or dementia). However, again, it’s not until the loved one passes where the finality hits.
Before the passing of the loved one, there are plenty of distractions, too. Doctor visits, daily tasks of caregiving and support, and logistical and practical things people need to be taken care of while they’re alive. Before a loved one passes, these familiar patterns of behavior suddenly change with death, and this alone can put people into an emotional tailspin. Suddenly, the need to be needed is no longer there. For some, this may come as a huge relief. However, it’s still a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. For others, it’s the sudden awareness of time and this desire to fill that space of time starts to creep in, so what do many grievers do? They find a way to keep busy. And, far too often, that is the unhelpful advice others will give, too. “Just stay busy and, you’ll be fine – eventually.” So, so unhelpful to a griever.
Therefore it’s at times like these that you need to ensure that you’re looking after yourself better than you usually would. Getting enough sleep, for instance, is critical. If you struggle with sleep normally because of work, you may request bereavement leave or a change in your duties. I’ve had several podcast guests share in this sentiment, too, to take the necessary time off. You will not be as productive, anyway. When we break a leg, we go to the doctor and take the necessary time off from work to heal. Why do we not do this with our hearts? Gotchya there, didn’t I? It’s absolutely true! Our hearts need time to mend, just like any broken body part would. Granted, there is no timeline to grief, and it can feel like a luxury to have time off. For some people, that’s simply not an option. That being said, what are your options? You may need to get creative, but sometimes just changing how you work can benefit your emotional health significantly. Maybe grief will help you to realize that the environment in which you’re working is toxic and that it’s time to find something else more nurturing to your spirit.
Grief is a clarifier, and it awakens the dormancy of other hurts in our hearts. Use the awareness that it brings to make positive changes forward for your well-being.
Another area you’ll want to tend to is ensuring that you prioritize your nutrition and cooking, even if you don’t feel like eating. Healthy foods are one of the best ways to get on the road to recovery. Clearly, aim for moderation in all things, and avoid alcohol use as dependency on it long-term can harm you. As I’ve shared before, alcohol and food can easily become STERBS (short-term energy relieving behaviors) that we resort to when all we want is to feel better. These things don’t make us feel better after, though. They only pile on the guilt and shame.
Share Memories
Telling stories about the loved parent that you’ve lost can actually aid you in your bereavement. Talking to grandchildren about your parents’ lives, for instance, allows you to appreciate their life and stops you from bottling it all up.
I recall a story that broke my heart. This person was an adult whose parent had recently died. The person expressed how upset it made them when their child brought up the grandparent (this person’s parent) and how they would, essentially, shut the child down from talking about their beloved grandpa. This absolutely broke my heart.
Young children know how to grieve. Heck, they express every emotion there is, don’t they? However, as we age, it is the adults in our lives (and unhelpful and hurtful) messages in society that perpetuate this belief that we are to not share our feelings and are to grieve alone. Therefore, emotionally stifled children become emotionally stifled adults. And, these beliefs about how to grieve are then passed on to the next generation.
Do you see why this is important to understand and why I am so passionate about educating about grief? Our future generations rely on us getting this through our heads and doing better than the generation before us.
So please, as much as it hurts you, put your adult ego aside, and please allow children the time and space to express themselves. Have the conversations about how you miss your loved one – together. Cry – together. Grieve – together. You are teaching a valuable lesson that they will carry with them well into adulthood.
I was not given that opportunity, like so many children aren’t. As an adult, expressing yourself and sharing memories is the fastest (and healthiest) way to feeling better. And, it’s so important to choose your listening ears wisely, too.
Do Something To Remember Them
You can also pay your respects by creating a tribute memorial for a loved one. This could be anything, from planting their favorite flowers in your backyard to creating a home shrine. You could also explore financial options, such as donating to their favorite charity.
Take Time To Forgive
Before you roll your eyes, read on…💛
Some people are angry with their parents. So, emotionally, their death can be even more complex. You feel various emotions, some of which make you feel dreadful about yourself and who you are as a human being. Trust me; I get it.
Life doesn’t always provide us with answers to all our questions. But that’s okay – you can accept the mystery. Therefore, you can forgive your parents, even if you don’t understand why they acted in the way that they did at times.
The beautiful thing about grief recovery is it allows you to address those moments in time you can’t seem to let go of and forgive. Those times that pull you back in time, and you feel the pain and hurt all over again like it was yesterday. These moments are impacting you daily, whether you realize it or not. How you are coping (or not) impacts your life, whether you care to admit it or not.
Forgiveness isn’t for them; it’s for you. It’s not about condoning or forgetting; it’s about no longer swallowing the resentment, which is a poison you’re holding onto in your body.
Forgiveness is about emotional freedom from the pain that you will no longer let those things hurt you anymore.
Allow Comfort
Lastly, you’re allowed to let other people comfort you and take over some of the responsibilities of your life for a time. Completely isolating yourself doesn’t do much to help, and it would likely make matters worse.
This is so hard for so many people who were raised as people-pleasers. You know who you are, the ones who take care of everything without a word needing to be said. You’re the one who gives until they’re blue in the face and, deep down, resentful for it. You want to be cared for but simply were never taught how to be because, again, you maybe had to grow up fast as a child. There wasn’t any coddling or nurturing in your life, so you found your resilience, self-sufficiency, and resourcefulness instead. You likely had a lot of responsibility as a child, too.
You don’t know how to be cared for and, I get you. I do. So, rather than feeling the pressure of delegating, start with YOU. What does your heart need today? A walk in nature? A soak in the tub? Or a good belly laugh? Nurture your heart with the simple pleasures of life and feel gratitude in those moments. Then, as you go, assess what you can let go of, delegate, and ask for help.
If you have children and are a stay-at-home/work-at-home parent, you may want to put them into childcare for a while or see if you can do a child swap with a friend – it’s a win-win! Or you could temporarily hire household help to assist with the chores. Find some way to build in support.
We often don’t know what we need until someone throws it in our lap. So, if you’re reading this and know of someone on the grief struggle bus right now, steal some of these ideas or read this post on learning how to support a grieving friend or listen to the podcast where my guests share tips just like this!
Childhood Grief, Educational, Emotions, Grief, Pespective |
The Power of Anger
Anger is a powerful emotion. It has a direct effect on our bodies physiologically and biologically. Early on, as children, we learn the physical cues of anger. For example, when you see someone make a fist before they hit someone or something, the facial expression when the brow narrows, and there is visual tension in the face, particularly the jaw area. The person’s face may even turn red, and their voice will get louder, depending on how angry they are. Their breathing pattern may shorten and become more shallow, too. They may even pace the room.
If you’ve been taught that anger is a “bad” emotion and it’s not one to be expressed, you may have become a pro at containing it. So, the physical cues will be different for those who are practicing constraint of anger. For someone working hard to contain their anger, their breathing pattern will change; it may become louder and perhaps slower as a conscious effort to remain calm. You may look for a way to expend that energy physically (such as exercise, cleaning, pacing, etc.). However, internally, I feel much of the same is going on – blood pressure is rising, adrenaline is pumping, and eventually, something has to give. Some people may vacillate between the two descriptions, too. I know, for me, I would start by trying my darndest to contain my anger but, eventually, would find myself yelling (even screaming), slamming doors, getting physical, and sometimes, too, I would often end up crying.
There is a sense of shame often felt after becoming angry. Again, this ties back to the beliefs we’re taught about anger. We must raise the future generations that there are healthy ways to utilize and channel anger. It serves a valuable purpose.
Anger is our cue that something feels unfair or unjust. We also may not feel as though we are living in integrity with our own values and expectations. Expectations are huge, anyway, when it comes to our relationships. There’s a quote I heard in my grief recovery training: “Expectations are planned disappointments.” Or, said in another way:
Expectations destroy our peace of mind. They are future disappointments planned out in advance.
– Elizabeth George
My husband says this phrase that, for a long time, drove me nuts. And, it drove me nuts because I was a person who would analyze everything. The phrase? “No one can make you angry; you make yourself angry.” Annoying, right? I have had to remind him of his own words. LOL! But, his sage words began to make more sense the more I worked through my unaddressed anger through grief recovery. As long as I was blaming another for my anger, I learned how disempowering that is and how I felt like a victim. However, once I learned that my feelings around that individual were showing up as anger because of undelivered communications, well then, that was something I could do something about. And that’s empowering stuff.
Anger Norms in Society
Although many of us are taught that anger isn’t an emotion that’s acceptable to express, society seems to often view those who rule with an iron fist as tempered, angry people. These “rulers” have the capability to control their anger with reason. It’s a persona, I believe, that is lived into. We aren’t born angry; quite the contrary. We’re born with the innate desire to love and be loved. It’s somehow anger that gets in the way of that ability; it clouds our judgment and causes us to say things we later regret and go against our desire, not intended to cause harm. And yes, the opposite is true; some have an intent to cause harm. Those who are filled with so much rage that it’s them versus the world, in their mind. These are people that can’t be reasoned with because reason itself has no place in their mind. I would ask, instead: “What happened to you that makes you angry?”
Here’s a quote shared by blogger Dan Spira that I find interesting in talking about anger:
“..we sometimes praise those who are harsh-tempered as manly, and fitted to command. It is therefore not easy to pronounce on principle what degree and manner of error is blameworthy, since this is a matter of the particular circumstances, and judgement rests with the faculty of perception. But thus much at all events is clear, that the middle disposition is praiseworthy, which leads us to be angry with the right people for the right things in the right manner and so on… ”
– Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics, Book IV Chapter 5,
English Translation by H. Rackham (1926)
Furthermore, here’s an excerpt from Dan’s blog post (which I found by Googling: “What’s the opposite of anger?”):
Tame it [anger] too much, and it gets snuffed out completely into apathy or “spiritlessness.” Most popular psychology and therapy are built around this Aristotelian concept of balanced, virtuous Anger (he called it “good temper“) and the idea of having a healthy, under-control release valve of emotional tension.
In other words, get angry; it’s a valid emotion; however, don’t allow yourself to get too carried away or “aroused” by it.
In the work that I do, I know it is often the “aroused” anger that prompts people to take action in their lives, too, finally. It’s this idea of being “sick and tired of being sick and tired” of one’s own crap.
Anger, Evil-doers, and the Energy of Anger
Our reaction to our own anger, and that of others, can be traced back to the beliefs about anger that we were raised to believe. I have this belief that those who do evil things must be angry people. And I have struggled for a long time with the notion that people are born evil. It’s probably why I’m fascinated by real-life murder stories/shows/podcasts. I have been trying to understand the part of society that harms others. What is it about the upbringing that made them (i.e., evil people) do horrible (sometimes unspeakable) things? Who were they before they did such evil things? What are the signs of such evil-doers? I suppose, too, and it really only occurred to me as I’m writing this now, having been a victim of someone who had the intent to harm; perhaps it’s my quest to better understand why, what happened to me, happened in the first place. I happen to know a lot about the history, and truthfully, it helps me look at the perpetrator with compassion. Granted, I say this after having done a lot of inner-work, too. Was I angry for a long time for what happened to me? Absolutely, I was. Given that those events also happened on the heels of my dad’s illness and subsequent death, and simultaneously when a lot of change was already happening in my life, I had a lot to be angry about.
I recognize anger (particularly hidden anger) in children quite easily, I believe, due to my experiences. And generally, my antenna of intuition, when I meet people, has become acutely attuned to the energy of others. This sensitivity to the energy of others used to be very taxing and draining until I learned to protect my own energy rather than taking everyone’s energy in as my own. However, it’s become a blessing. It’s as if I am a TSA agent armed with one of those metal detector wands. Rather than scanning for metal, I’m scanning the person’s energy where I can sense what they’re feeling without them saying a word. I get a vibe if the person feels like a “safe” person or something off about them. This is especially common, I believe, for those who grew up in chaotic, harmful, or dangerous environments. It’s a constant fight-or-flight of having to figure out who is safe and who isn’t, assessing the surroundings, and looking for danger.
What I am getting at, by sharing about the energetics of anger, is that it’s often palpable energy I pick up on. People’s choice of words, tone of voice, body language are all reflected by the state of one’s emotions. In a nutshell: all frequencies are equal to the issue at hand. This is true of every aspect of our body, whether emotional, physical, spiritual, or psychological. The energy (i.e., vibrational frequency) we give off in the world around us is also returned to us. It’s why it is so critical for those grieving to pay attention to their personal energy and that of others around them. An angry (in the moment) griever will bring a different frequency of energy versus a griever who is sad (in the moment). And, in grief, we can feel these and more in a span of moments. So, it’s really about elevating our personal energy – which is the sole responsibility, anyway. It’s not your responsibility to raise the vibrational frequency of the grievers around you no more than it’s their responsibility to raise yours.
I feel like I’ve taken the topic of anger down a deep rabbit hole. However, I think it’s important we look at the broader impact (and usefulness) of anger. We can be highly motivated to make something happen when we’re angry. And, if you think about it, when you’ve been angry, you’ve likely felt more compelled to move someone else to action rather than taking action yourself. Am I right? So, the better question here is: do you want to be a victim, or do you want to empower yourself?
Anger & Grief
I also think it’s important to mention that not all grievers will experience anger. Yes, it is often a factor in our difficult relationships with less than loved ones. Yet, to presume that someone is angry because of a loss is incorrect. For example, if you had a lovely relationship with someone who died, they lived a long, full life but became ill and died. You may feel relief that it wasn’t a long, drawn-out illness where your loved one suffered. Furthermore, if you had recently seen your loved one and shared all that you wanted to share, expressed your love and appreciation for them, and said goodbye, anger would likely not play a role in that scenario. However, had the relationship or scenario been different, if they were less than loving, or you couldn’t see them before they passed away, you may experience anger in this situation. In summary, do not believe that anger is an automatic part of unresolved grief.
In today’s blog post, you’ve learned:
the physical ques of anger
what anger is revealing to us
my personal perspective of anger and evil-doers
the role anger plays in our lives
about the energy of anger
why to never assume a griever is angry over a loss
I hope this has offered a perspective on anger you hadn’t considered and that you found it educational. Anger is a broad topic, with many more rabbit hole opportunities to dig into more deeply.
In summary, anger is a valid emotion and is a clue that something isn’t sitting well with our spirit. Rather than let the anger set you on a disempowering and dangerous path, perhaps a better approach is to sit with the anger. Look at it for what it’s revealing to you and ask yourself what you need to do at that moment; that would help release it in a helpful way. This makes me think of scenarios on playgrounds that play out time and time again. There’s the bully and the bullied. And, often (more often than not), it’s both – the bully is often bullied. And, even if the child isn’t bullied in school, what is happening at home? Where the child feels powerless, unheard, or maybe even worse – disregarded or unseen? I must say, if that were you as an adult, you’d be angry, too, wouldn’t you? And, my friend, it bears repeating: adulthood is childhood reenactments. I’m not saying every child who is bullied as a child becomes a bullying adult. But, I would argue that 9 out of 10 times, that adult has unaddressed childhood anger showing up in their life in other ways. Because, at its root, anger is sadness that will always find a way to express itself; somehow, in some way, at some point in time – even if it’s 20 years from now. That’s the sneakiness of anger – and grief.
Sending you love + light. 💛
Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources, Spirituality |
How Do You Know When You’re Healing?
Once upon a time, 2016’ish, to be more precise, I thought I was doing pretty well emotionally. I had officially closed my boutique photography studio, started a blog, and was writing regularly about what I had learned and experienced throughout the previous two years. I had also hired a life coach, was reading a lot of self-help books and landed a job that matches my desire for flexibility and variety. Things were on the up and up and, I was optimistic about my future. However, for two years straight, I felt like a trainwreck.
During those two years, as my health declined, and I felt like I was never going to do anything meaningful with my life (being a mom wasn’t enough for me), it was a discovery process of what I needed to address emotionally, what wasn’t working in my life, and what I needed to change. This was also on the heels of unaddressed post-partum depression. And ultimately, what started to happen was decades of unresolved grief started to manifest in my business and life during that time, too.
Fast-forward to 2017, after three years of personal development work, an opportunity fell into my lap and the book that I longed to write was starting to come to fruition. My dream of one day writing a book was actually becoming a reality! Nearly every weekday morning, for two months straight, I got up at 5:30 AM to write. Then, while in the editing phase of the book, I would be hit with a loss that would bring up the deepest, unaddressed wound I had – the loss of my dad. My dad’s only living brother, and the one whom my dad was closest to, had brain cancer. And, the moment I heard the news that he was in the hospital, I decided right then I needed to see him, despite the thirty years that had passed since my dad’s funeral, which was the last time I ever saw him. So, the same day of receiving the news, I went to see him; not knowing if he’d want to see me, recognize me, or even if he was well enough to have a conversation. With a knock on that hospital door, the trajectory of my life would change, solely on that one decision, to knock on his hospital door. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and yet, I felt with every intuitive bone in me, that was exactly where I was meant to be.
The visit was incredibly healing, and the timing divine, because within fifteen minutes of my arrival, his daughter and niece arrived, neither of whom I’d seen since a kid. We were all shocked to see each other there and it was a moment I will never forget. And, the months that followed, were the greatest gift to my heart, as I would be gifted with several more visits with my uncle, and with his passing, I had felt we both received a gift we hadn’t expected, and one that would have never been possible had I not chosen to put my ego aside, risk my own heart, and knock on that door.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, grief makes us feel like we don’t have choices. Let this story illustrate to you that we always, always have a choice. And, doing nothing is a choice, too. That one act led to me realizing that I wasn’t okay. The inner-work that I had been doing up to that point, albeit not wasted, hadn’t actually addressed the root of all of my issues – the grief! It was that experience with my uncle that prompted a Google search that landed me on The Grief Recovery Institute website, which led to me registering for certification that was later canceled (I couldn’t believe it), that led to me booking a flight to Austin, TX to do my training there scheduled for the same time. I knew what I needed and I wasn’t about to let anything stop me at that point. Again, I had another choice to make. Do I take that cancelation as the end-all, be-all option? Or, do I find the resources to make, what I knew I intuitively was guided to, happen no matter the extra cost? I obviously chose the latter. Again, I had a decision to make; I could choose to live in my grief another year, which is what it would’ve been before another training within driving distance would’ve taken place, or answer the call of my heart. Thankfully, I chose wisely and, my heart has not been the same since.
It was not until after grief recovery where I knew I was healing. Surprise! But, it’s absolutely the truth. Because, for the first time in my life, I was able to have conversations I had never been able to have with the people closest to me, and not find myself a wreck for days that followed. The more I utilized the tools and knowledge of grief recovery, the less I looked to others to give me what I needed to be giving myself (love, affirmation, validation, etc.). My confidence started to grow and my self-awareness was through the roof. It was as if the veil of grief (which I’ve spoken about on my podcast) had been lifted and, I was seeing my life (past and present) with new eyes. I had the most life-changing experience when I went through the grief recovery method. And, it’s in knowing how hard it is to do the work, how emotionally and physically taxing it feels in the process, that I can guide others through the same process. It is anything but easy. And, it brings up stuff that you thought was long buried. However, in grief, you’re already suffering. You may as well be suffering and moving your feet. You may as well be moving one foot in front of the other, knowing that week by week of going through the process, you’re shedding another layer, and lifting that veil of grief higher and higher, until you, too, see clearly. Grief recovery is a clarifier of your life, a purifier of your heart, and allows you to be an emotional processing plant rather than the emotional storage tank you have been.
10 Ways You Know You’re Healing Emotionally
You find yourself changing your behaviors. Where you used to get angry about something someone said/did, you can step back from the situation and consider why that reaction provoked you. You may also be choosing healthier options in food, drink, or even friends.
You’ve discovered what your boundaries are and have implemented them in your relationships and life.
You’re no longer a pile of tears in the fetal position after you start talking about a story of loss or something that happened to you.
You no longer feel the need to share the story with anyone who will listen. By this, I mean that you’re not sharing with the intention of needing or getting something in return: sympathy, validation, affirmation, etc. You find yourself sharing because 1. you were asked 2. because you have found your way beyond the pain and want to share to inspire and connect. You understand grief because you’ve been there. You understand life beyond it, too, though, because it no longer dictates your life either.
When other people share their emotional stories, it doesn’t bring up your emotional pain thereby, causing an emotional reaction in you.
You see opportunities where there was once fear.
You feel hopeful about your future.
You find yourself pausing, bringing awareness to your feelings, before responding to situations or people with your emotions. The phrase I tell myself, “I don’t know what I don’t know” is my go-to to help me with this one.
When wounds from the past, that you long thought you buried, come up out of the blue, rather than resort to the same behaviors you used to, to feel better at that moment, you sit with all of the feelings, and seek support or help to work through it.
You ask for help. We do not heal on an island. We heal in community with others; with support, guidance, and a heart with ears.
I hope today’s blog post provided some good insight into healing; that it’s a journey of self-discovery and every choice you make can either make or break your path to healing your heart.
We go to the doctor when we have a broken bone. We go to the dentist when we have a broken tooth. And yet, when we have a broken heart, we somehow think we can intellectually and logically heal hearts.
You can’t heal the heart with the head. You must tap into your heart. It is necessary to dig up the past if you want to heal it. Those that feel differently about that are likely not ready (or willing) to face what has long been emotionally unresolved within themselves.
My word of caution to all those hurting today reading this: be careful who you take your advice from; it could potentially be more harmful and hurtful to your healing. Many people value freedom. However, where most people miss the mark is understanding that the most difficult prison to break free from is the prison of one’s own mind. Being attentive to your heart will bring you the kind of freedom that can’t be bought. The caveat? You have to choose to do the difficult inner-work to get there. And, doing that is also choosing a more fulfilling, emotionally stable, and joy-filled life.
P.S. TODAY, 6/11, is the ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my podcast GRIEVING VOICES!!! 📣🥳Thank you so much for listening, sharing, reviewing, rating, being a guest if you have been one (or are upcoming), and overall support! I am a one-woman show when it comes to the podcast, and I’ve definitely learned a TON along the way. And to think, I was hesitant and unsure right away because I wasn’t sure anyone would want to share their stories. And now, people wanting to be guests pop up left and right. And, if you are wanting to be a guest, and share your story, please head HERE and fill out this form. I don’t care if you’re an expert in a field or not; the premise of the show is to share your grieving voice and story. Everything beyond that is secondary.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
In my work with clients in grief recovery over the past few weeks, my clients and I have talked a lot about the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. And, anything they wish would’ve been (or would be) different, better, or more.
So many people believe that grief is only an experience after someone dies. When in reality, no one has to die for you to grieve. Recently, during a consultation, the client shared that after listening to my podcast episode about the myths of grief, they realized that their life experience was, at the root of it all, grief. And, they had plenty of grief-causing experiences, too. And, another area of grief that’s come up with my clients lately has been how, in their relationships (and we all do this), both they and their significant others are bringing their luggage of what they wish had been different, better, or more in their lives, well before the relationship even started.
What happens when you have two people get together that both have unresolved grief? You get a simmering pot of unexpressed anger, sadness, resentment, fear, insecurities, you name it, that all come together. Circling back to the luggage analogy, and as I shared with my client, it’s as if you both dump your bags of luggage onto a bed, and your stuff mixes with their stuff and then something happens that shakes up the relationship, so you go to grab your stuff again, however, by that point, it’s hard to know what’s yours and what’s theirs anymore.
If every person who’s had a past that’s created emotional dis-ease and emotional restlessness and discontent were to address the grief itself (and calling it for what it is – grief) at the root, before getting into an intimate relationship with another, then we’d have happier and more emotionally stable homes, communities, and world. And more importantly, the children of our world wouldn’t become the byproducts of adult emotional pain.
I challenge you to look at who you are today and consider how the wounds of your past have shaped the decisions and behaviors you’ve resorted to, in an attempt to feel better, and how those decisions and behaviors have impacted others throughout your life. When we’re overcome with a long-standing undercurrent of grief, we easily become stuck in that “woe is me” mindset. As that quote goes, we can’t see the label from inside the jar. In other words, take your blinders off and look at what you’re trying so hard not to see.
What do you wish would have been (or would be) different, better, or more in your life?
A big hug from me to you, my friend. 💛
P.S. On 6/23 at 8 PM CST, I will be offering up a FREE, live event! It will not be recorded, so you must attend live! If you want to make sure you don’t miss the announcement or the opportunity to register, my email list will be getting the info FIRST (and spots are limited) next week Wednesday (6/9) when my newsletter goes out. Want a heads-up sneak peek? Sign up HERE. 😊
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Personal, Pespective, Reiki, Resources |
What I Do & How I’m Different
Today, I thought I would speak about what I do, how I’m different, and the type of client I resonate most with.
What I Do
Through grief healing programs, I walk you through the process of being leashed to grief – to being unleashed and emotionally free.
Through online and in-person programs, trailblazers like you realize that the one area of your life that’s always had a background presence is the one area you’ve also never addressed (i.e., grief). You have not connected the dots that loss, suffering, and grief have negatively impacted your life. But, you recognize that the chip on your shoulder, the poison (i.e., resentment) you’re drinking, hoping the other person dies, and the anger that’s been stewing from years past isn’t helping you live the life you envisioned for yourself. You know it could be better; you just haven’t found the how.
That’s where I come in – empowering and equipping you to help yourself.
There is no magic pill, and what I have to offer isn’t that. However, it does feel like a magical formula that works in magical ways in your life. When paired together, I believe I have found two programs that will be the key to you becoming unleashed from your past and unlocking your future. They have certainly done that for me. And I have already seen amazing results for my clients. While the Grief Recovery Method® was the light at the end of the dark tunnel (the hope and guidance they needed to leave the pain in the rearview), YouMap® was the lantern that has illuminated their path forward.
With empathy as my number one strength and the driver of my life, my approach is heart-centered. Please take a peek at my own YouMap® and, it’s clear to me that I am fully aligned in the work that I do with every service I offer, including Reiki and End-of-Life services (which I have yet to bring to the forefront). What brings me fulfillment is being of service in a meaningful way. I love helping others unlock their own potential, and, for the vast majority of us, the secret sauce is addressing the very stuff of our hearts we try so desperately to avoid or bury. And, an area of service I have yet to share fully is to help those dying die in a way that honors their wishes, helps them and their loved ones feel supported, and provide guidance for end-of-life, in general. There’s so much to share I haven’t even gotten to yet!
On a final note that supports what I do, I am the only Advanced Grief Recovery Method Specialist in the world certified as a YouMap® coach and vice versa. And, because 1 in 33 million people share the same top 5 strengths as me (or you), it is a particular skill-set I bring to grievers and those who want to uplevel their lives (and, in turn, their energy).
Be The Trailblazer of Your Life
The trailblazer is the go-getter, the do-er, a maverick, of sorts. You know you’re meant for more but have found yourself, year after year, stuck in the same old patterns of behavior that, well, keep you stuck. You may be the CEO of your home, wrangling all of the kids to their activities, all the while, you’re time is consumed by PTO/PTA, church council, city board, and the care of the household. Perhaps, on top of all of those duties, you also work outside the home, or perhaps, you have your own business, too.
You know your life (and/or business/career) could be better. You know you have a hard time making decisions. You likely feel inadequate in some ways, and if in business especially, you struggle with people skills and time management. You’re often feeling scatter-brained, have difficulty focusing, and most days could use a personal secretary. All the while, it feels like everyone around you isn’t struggling like you are. They go about their day unaffected by the little things that seem to set you off into a tailspin. – life could be better. You want life to be better. You want to feel better about your life. You know there’s potential for amazing things to come to fruition, but all of that seems out of reach. And, you also recognize that there’s a good reason for the struggle. You just haven’t connected the dots – yet.
You may not see yourself as a trailblazer, but if there’s one thing I have learned doing this work myself and with others, it is with momentum, you will become one. Once you start paving your path and blazing your own trail, you realize there’s nothing that can stop you. And, you’ll also feel far more prepared for the curveballs and sh*t-storms that happen in the future when you have the tools you learn through Grief Recovery to fall back on and rather than respond, approach the situation with a proactive mindset because you will have learned how to prevent yourself from further unnecessary suffering (through the knowledge gained in your YouMap®).
Connecting the Dots
You may be drinking more than you know you should be some nights. However, given the stress and anxiety you feel, it brings you relief and an escape for a time. The credit card debt may be racking up because spending money on things you don’t need has become another past-time to feel better. As a result of the shame and added stress these other behaviors (or behaviors like these) are causing in your life, you’re quick to anger. So, to combat the conflict at home, you’re becoming a workaholic.
Consider the losses in your life since childhood. These losses stack up. From losing a beloved pet, a grandparent that was more like a parent to you, a traumatic experience, or growing up in a dysfunctional home – perhaps with an alcoholic or witnessing domestic violence – your upbringing impacts your decision-making well into adulthood.
The cure to understanding the who, what, and why is to dig deep – in a guided, supported way. Unlike years of therapy (which has its place) and popping pills, tipping the bottle, or relying on mantras and affirmations (although these do have their time and place, too) – grief recovery is action. Through grief recovery, you go emotional mining, however, not in a willy-nilly way. Through an evidence-proven method, you’re guided through your inner, emotional experiences, thereby transforming your outer experience.
If a transformation of your heart, and your life, is what you seek, there is hope. If, what you’ve been doing, hasn’t been working, seriously ask yourself what you believe to be true about your life with grief. Are you exhausted by the emotional weight you’re carrying?
That boulder can be lifted, believe me.
And, I promise you – grief recovery is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. There is nothing else like it. It’s trademarked for a reason. Kent University studied it for a reason. It works. Experience the difference for yourself.
For those that believe you don’t have to look back to heal – I’m talking to you, too.
How has sweeping the pain under the rug been working for you?
I know it hasn’t because I did the same. And, because we’re all taught the same myths about grief, we’re all “under-the-rug-sweepers” to some degree.
Start sweeping your doorstep today, and you’ll see how the dust begins to settle in all areas of your life.
I’ve so been there, friend. I was you. It’s pretty amazing on the other side of the pain. I hope you join me.
P.S. Would you like to learn more? Schedule a free, no-obligation consultation!
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Resources |
How To Support a Grieving Friend
Grief can be an incredibly overwhelming and lonely time. So, when someone you care for loses a loved one, they need your care and support more than ever.
There are many ways to show care and support for someone during times of grief. It can be hard to know what to say, and the fear of saying something wrong can sometimes keep you from being there when they need you most. You can help someone who is grieving by being compassionate, open, and willing to help; your presence alone shows your support.
Here are a few things to keep in mind.
Checking In
Make an effort to check in, even if it’s just a quick phone call or an invitation to grab coffee. You may be surprised by how much your check-ins can mean to a grieving friend. It can be a great comfort to even speak about things like headstones, funeral arrangements, and old memories in the early days after a loss. These conversations can spark ideas for how the friend wants to honor their loved one’s life. Obviously, they would rather their loved one be with them in the flesh, but talking these things out loud with a supportive friend can ease the burden of making so many decisions. You may ask, “How would your loved one love to be celebrated?” For some, their loved ones have already expressed what they would like, or may have even made their own arrangements.
Regardless, checking in and being prepared to sit with them is kind to do when you’re unsure what to do.
Listen More And Talk Less
When you are with someone who is grieving, it can be hard to know what to say. You will naturally try to make your friend feel better. However, in a situation such as grief, talking excessively doesn’t help, and it can actually do more harm than good.
Instead, pay attention to how much you talk compared to how much you listen. Your friend will feel more benefit from talking about their feelings. Be there to listen to their thoughts and feelings, showing compassion for what they are feeling.
Deep, active listening is a skill. If you find yourself wandering off and lose track of where the person was in their sharing, be honest about it. Apologize for not being fully present in that moment. It’s not rude to ask them to repeat what they shared, but it is rude to pretend like you’re listening when you’re not. This is why I shared above: if you ask how they’re doing, be prepared to sit with them and genuinely care to know the answer.
Tip: If you are struggling to listen, it can help to focus consciously on each word coming out of their mouth.
Allow Them To Cry
One of the most important areas of the grieving process is showing deep sadness and allowing yourself to cry. Letting your friend cry shows them you understand that crying is a necessary part of the grieving process.
You may feel the urge to cheer your friend up or tell them to stop crying, but remember it is all part of healing. Think of their tears as a healthy part of the grieving process.
Tears from crying for long periods release oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals can help ease both physical and emotional pain. Crying is a good thing!
One of the earliest messages we receive as children is that crying isn’t okay. Children may be called “cry babies” or sent to their room to cry. This idea, that crying is a sign of weakness, is also very prevalent in our society.
When we are born, we know how to grieve. Think about that. Very young children express every emotion unapologetically. However, adults influence this shift, making crying and not being okay seem wrong. Or even showing anger as not being okay. Anger is a valid emotion, too.
Tip: One of the many things I learned in my training in grief recovery is never to hand someone who is crying a tissue unless they ask, of course. If someone is releasing emotions through crying, handing them a tissue at that moment will stop them in their tracks. It’s a gesture as if to say: “stop crying.”
Ask Questions If You Need To
People often hesitate to ask questions of a grieving friend. They worry about upsetting them or saying the wrong thing. You shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions if you need to. It helps your friend talk openly about their loved one.
You aren’t limited to asking about the past, though; you should also ask about their well-being. Check in on their self-care, sleep, and whether they are eating well. Explore how they’re feeling emotionally, and listen with care and compassion. You’re not there to fix anything. You can’t take away their pain. However, your presence can make a massive difference.
Tip: Grievers often don’t know what they need. They’re overwhelmed with emotion. What they need can change from day to day, too. So, you could ask: “What would help make today a better day than yesterday?”
Offer Practical Help
Sometimes grief can make you neglect your basic needs. Practical help can be more useful than anything else when it comes to grief. Some of the tasks you could help with include:
Cleaning their house
Cooking meals and batch cooking
Running general errands
Helping with childcare
Managing or coordinating bills
Helping with laundry
Walking the dogs
Food shopping
Yard work (mowing/watering, tending to the vegetable or flower garden)
Be Ready To Sit In Silence
Grief brings in a variety of powerful emotions, and sometimes all a grieving person needs to sit in silence to regain a semblance of peace. Sitting in silence can be challenging, especially when you know your friend is struggling emotionally. Resist the urge to fill the silence. Instead, allow it and embrace it. Your presence is enough support. By being there for your friend, you show them your support and love, even if you sit in silence and don’t say a word. If they are at home, they may feel supported enough to rest. Your presence alone may be more therapeutic than you know.
Tip: Sitting in silence with someone isn’t the most natural thing to do. And it may even feel awkward. But you could ask your friend: “Hey, how would you feel if I came over, made us some tea, and we just sat on the porch and listened to the birds?” Or, depending on the time of year, maybe watch a funny movie.
Make Sure You Remember Important Dates
Anniversaries, birthdays, and others can all be a painful reminder of your friend’s loss every year. If you can, remember all the important dates, including the date of their loss. They may need help and extra support when grief symptoms kick in. Reach out to your friend and let them know you’re thinking of them.
After a loss, people usually mean well when it comes to staying in touch. Busy lives can keep them from following through. Staying in touch can really help. Above all else, remember you can’t fix their pain but can help to ease it and allow them to work through grief.
Tip: Set a yearly reminder on your phone for special days so you can reach out with a card, a phone call, or a special text. You can take it one step further and ask if something special they had in mind of doing on that special day – or would like to do.
Is there anything else that could help? Please share them in the comments below.
P.S. If you’ve never listened to my podcast, Grieving Voices, every guest shares their experience and wisdom around grief. Every guest offers wonderful insight into how to support others who are grieving.
A go-to resource is available to help you help others.
Click the image below to check it out.
