Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast |
Q&A | What Can I Do To Support Myself in My Grief?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
The question, “What can I do to support myself in my grief,” has a simple answer in four words that I don’t share in the episode but is explored through the self-reflection exercise contained in the episode.
What are the four words?
Get – To – Know – Yourself. ✨
In this week’s episode, you will do just that.
Before you listen, I suggest you get in the headspace and right environment to self-reflect. Light a candle if you like. Eliminate distractions. Push play.
There are three steps in this self-reflection exercise. As you go through each exercise, you’ll push pause whenever you need. Give yourself as much time as you need but also go with whatever comes to mind first – don’t dissect the question or think too long or hard.
Grievers often don’t know what they need or what they want. Life has been turned upside down, and some days are an exercise in just making it to the end of the day.
No matter where you are today, I know it’s possible to feel at least 1% better. However, it takes some action and reflection first.
Even in grief, we have to think with the end in mind: How do I want this grief to change me? For the better? For the worse?
We have a duty to ourselves, and the ball is in our court to move the pieces and players who will support us to get where we desire to be emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally.
You will learn which areas you need additional support in through this episode’s three steps. You’ll bring to your awareness what matters most to you right now and what may be getting in the way.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hey, Hey, Hey, Welcome to grieving voices. I’m your host, Victoria Volk of The Unleashed Heart. And today’s episode is a Q&A episode titled, What can I do to support myself in my grief? And this episode is actually going to be an exercise in personal reflection. And so if you’re driving or if you’re busy working or doing some other activity, I invite you to push pause on this and come back to it at a time when you can jot down notes. Or work through the prompts as I am going through it on this episode. This is something you can come back to. Save it, refer to it maybe three months from now as a check-in and share this with someone you know or love who really is kind of sitting in a place of, I don’t know what I need, I don’t know what I want, but are definitely stuck in the rut of grief or whose life is feeling challenged at the moment. And no one has to die for you to grieve. It can just be life change because grief is a change in familiar pattern of behavior that can cause us grief.
Victoria Volk: So I invite you again to come back to this episode and share it, save it, but let’s get started on today’s episode, inspired by some information I received and learned myself through the Veterans Administration. So if you are a veteran, there’s resources just like this one I’m going to share with you available at your local seabock or Veterans Administration office. I encourage you to check-in to their live whole health program. Their whole motto for live whole health is discover what matters. And so this little exercise is just a personal health inventory to help you as a griever or someone who is struggling with something in your life. To take a personal inventory of your health and look at your whole health, your whole self with a wider lens. Because especially in grief, we can become very narrowly focused we’re either dwelling on the past or we’re worrying about the future and really get away from living in the present moment.
Victoria Volk: And so this is an exercise to be present with yourself. There’s three steps I’m gonna walk you through. And as I’m describing these three steps, take your notes as I’m speaking, and answer these things for yourself. By the end of it. I think that you will have a really good picture as to what area of your life is needing some support, where you need some support, And and then I encourage you to look for the resources, the people out in your community that can help you reach the goals that you have to be the best version of yourself. Because in order to know how we can best support ourselves in our grief or during a challenging time, we need to recognize where we’re at and where we want to go. And so I’m hoping that this personal health inventory and this reflection into the self will help you discern that.
Victoria Volk: So step one, take a personal health inventory by rating where you are on a scale of one to five, one being not so good, and five being great, in each of the following. Physical well-being, rate yourself one to five, mental and or emotional well-being. Remember, one is not so good. Five is great. And thirdly, life. How is it to live your life day to day? What’s it like being you? Is it one not so good? Maybe it’s two, maybe it’s middle of the road, three, four. It’s it’s okay. It could be better, but it’s not great, which is five. And then answer this question after you’ve done that. What matters most to you in your life right now. I’ll have you push pause and take a few moments to share your thoughts down on paper.
Victoria Volk: The next step of this exercise is to discover where you are and where you would like to be. And to do this, you really need to be honest with yourself and others about where you are and where you would like to be. I would have you rate each of the following where you are now between one and five, one being low, five being high, and you don’t necessarily have to wish to be a five in the future either. It’s just where you are right now, one to five, and where you want to be. So first, moving the body. Our physical, mental, and emotional health are impacted by the amount and the kind of movement that we do. So how would you rate yourself as on a scale of one to five, one being low, five being high, that best represents where you are and where you want to be. As far as moving your physical body. Next, recharge. Our bodies and minds need rest in order to optimize our health. Recharging also involves activities that replenish your mental and physical energy. Where are you right now? One to five? And where would you like to be?
Victoria Volk: Third, food and drink. What we eat and drink can have a huge effect on how we experience life both physically and mentally. Where are you right now? One to five? Where would you like to be? Next, personal development. Our health is impacted by how we spend our time. We feel best when we can do things that really matter to us. Or bring us joy. Where are you right now? Where do you want to be? On a scale of one to five. Next, family, friends, and coworkers. Our relationships, including those with pets, have as significant an effect on our physical and emotional health as any other factor associated with well-being. Where would you rate yourself today as to where you are right now? And what would you rate yourself on where you would like to be?
Victoria Volk: Next, spirit and soul. Connecting with something greater than ourselves may provide a sense of meaning and purpose. Peace, or comfort. Spiritual connection can take many forms. Are you honoring right now your spirit and soul? And where are you on that scale of one to five? And where would you like to be? Surroundings. Surroundings include where we live, work, learn, play and worship. Both indoors and out. Safe, stable, and comfortable surroundings have a positive effect on our health. Where are you right now as far as your surroundings? Where would you like to be?
Victoria Volk: This one thing to consider with surroundings is toxicity, like the toxic relationships you have in your life or may have in your life either at work or at home? Is it a safe home environment? Is there a lot of chaos? Same with work? Is it environmentally toxic?
Take all those things into consideration when thinking about surroundings?
Victoria Volk: Next, power of mind. Our thoughts are powerful and can affect our physical, mental, and emotional health. Changing our mindset can aid in healing and coping. Where do you feel you are right now as far as peace of the mind? Where would you like to be on a scale of one to five? Five again being high. One being low.
Victoria Volk: And lastly, professional care. Partnering with your healthcare team to address your health concerns, understand care options and define actions you may take to promote your health and goals. Where do you feel you are right now with professional care? Do you have people in systems in your life that support you in your physical health? Where would you like to be in that department?
Victoria Volk: All of these moving the body recharge, food and drink, personal development, family friends and coworkers, spirit and soul, surroundings, power of the mind, and professional care are all building blocks of health and well-being.
Victoria Volk: So after you’ve gone through all of these, take a good look. What are some of the areas that you need more support. Where would you like to be?
Victoria Volk: That brings us to step number three. Reflection questions to dive a little deeper. Now that you have thought about what matters to you in all of these areas, what would your life look like if you had the health you want? What kind of activities would you be doing? Or how might you feel different? What area might you focus on? Pause this and jot your notes and come back to it for you when you’re ready for the next question.
Victoria Volk: The next reflection question is what might get in the way How might you start? All three of these steps give you a better picture as to where you are today, and where you would like to be, and helping you see what you can do for yourself and supporting yourself in your grief. These are action steps that you can take looking at where you need support and then finding that support. It might mean working with someone like me if it’s your mental and emotional well-being that isn’t where you want it to be, which actually will affect every other area of your life as well because if we are emotionally bogged down. Are we necessarily gonna feel like getting physical, like moving our body and things like that? Are we going to feel like living our life going into the day-to-day with vibrancy and enthusiasm?
Victoria Volk: So I would argue that mental and emotional well-being is one of the most important and actually these other two categories, the physical well-being and the day-to-day aspect of life will actually improve once the mental and emotional are addressed. I want you to picture a circle, a small circle, like the size of a marble. And inside that marble is you. You’re the marble. And around that marble around you, is your mindful awareness.
And around that are eight other circles. Each circle representing what we just discussed, moving the body, which is energy and flexibility, surroundings, physical and emotional, personal development, your personal and work life, food and drink, nourishing, and fueling, recharge, sleep and refresh, family, friends and coworkers, which are our relationships, spirit and soul, which is growing and connecting, power of the mind, which is about relaxing and healing. All of these are circling around you. And then there’s another circle around all of that. It’s the conventional and complementary approaches prevention, and treatment. It’s the outside resources that you utilize to contribute to your whole health. And then around that, all around surrounding that is your community.
Victoria Volk: So if you’re feeling isolated, or you’re isolating yourself in your grief or in the challenges that you’re experiencing in your life. I encourage you to reach out to a community of like-minded people who may be struggling with the same things as you, and reaching out, asking for help, seeking the resources and support that you need that will help you to get to where you want to be. And so often, we just don’t know where to start.
Victoria Volk: So I hope this exercise was helpful for you to realize and show you where you might need to start. Because you ought to start somewhere. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you share this. Come back to it whenever you need. And check-in with yourself again, do this in a few months, and see where your numbers are at. And until then, Remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Cancer, Chronic Illness, Death/Dying, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast |
Melody & Gracelyn | Luna Peak Foundation: Filling a Gap in Cancer and Grief Support
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Melody and Gracelyn are an aunt and niece team behind Luna Peak Foundation and Luna Peak Publishing. Through their nonprofit, they publish photography books, engaging workbooks, and children’s books that show people they are not alone in grief.
Their work helps dispel stereotypes about cancer and grief and provides resources for the whole family to help heal. They have donated over 2,000 books to hospitals, therapist offices, schools, and universities.
Nonprofit work aside, Melody and Gracelyn discuss their grief experiences, resulting in the women joining forces to offer grief and cancer support. At age six, Melody was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia and was given a 50% chance of surviving beyond one year; she underwent treatment for the next three years. She’s been a cancer warrior ever since. Gracelyn was inspired to support others after the unexpected loss of her father when she was twenty-six.
Throughout their adversity, Melody and Gracelyn wish people knew they are not alone and that cancer and grief support exists. And that it is possible to smile and laugh again after loss.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, I’m excited to talk to an aunt, a niece duo, they are Melody and Gracelyn, and they are the team behind Luna Peak Foundation and Luna Peak Publishing. Their work at Luna Peak uplifts, multicultural cancer, and grief survivor stories. Through their nonprofit, they published photography books, engaging workbooks and children’s books that show people that they are not alone. Their work helps just spell, stereotype, about cancer and grief and provides resources for the whole family to help heal. Today, they have donated over two thousand books to hospitals’ therapist office schools and universities. Melody was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia at age six and has been a cancer warrior ever since. She was given a fifty percent chance of surviving one year and underwent treatment for three years until age nine. Being a survivor at a time when not many survived, set Melody on a course to help newly diagnosed cancer patients. Melody studied sociology in art history at the University of California, Irvine. Gracelyn studied sociology at Santa Clara University and received a master’s degree at Columbia University, inspired by the sudden loss of her dad, Gracelyn has built a fund grief community an online platform at snapshots of life after loss. Gracelyn is certified by the David Kessler Grief educator program and is a trained end-of-life doula by the Alua Arthur growing with Grace program. Thank you so much, ladies for being here today.
Melody & Gracelyn: Thank you so much for having us.
Victoria: So I could go into a lot of different directions here to start out, but I just we kinda know understand, like, the backstory of how you both are using your history, your experience, through Luna Peak. But how did you to come together to start it? What was the was there a conversation? Was there a question, like, what was it that sparked the two of you to come together, to share your experiences through your work?
Melody: I’ll take this first. So basically, Luna Peak has been a dream of mine for many, many years before we started it. I just didn’t know how to start a nonprofit and how to do all of these things. And I had a few books even written in some old journals. And I talked to Gracelyn about some of the ideas I had and, you know, how I could, you know, make them work. But then the sudden loss of her dad and her grief kind of sparked us coming together and creating a luna peak foundation because we both wanted to take our difficult experiences and turn it into something beautiful that can help other people. But when Gracelyn finished college and was in the workforce, she had a little bit more knowledge of how to start all these things. And so when we came together, when luna peak was formed,
Victoria Volk: sounds like a dynamic duo because you have that marketing background and Gracelyn. Mhmm. And So how long did it take? Because I’ve talked to a few nonprofits to this up to this point, and it is like this grueling process in the start from the sounds of it. And even when I think about starting a nonprofit, I’m just like overwhelmed.
Like, how did you did was there local resources that you tapped into? What did that those early years look like in starting Luna Peak.
Gracelyn: We kind of started doing this work before everything became official, so it was kind of a rolling basis. Basically Melody’s idea to do a massive photography project of cancer survivors we started all of this and then slowly we realized, okay, we need to set some structure to this and really, you know, make sure to put a foundation in place so that we can continue this work. And then expand it into the grief community as well. So it’s taken a few years. We were a private charity person, then we became a public charity so now we’re officially Luna Peak Foundation Inc. So it’s taken a bit of time, but we rely on our village and we rely on our board members and other people with expertise to come in and help kind of fill in some of those gaps. And we kind of learn as we go. Lot of research. Yeah.
Victoria Volk: What is one piece of advice that you would give to others who wish to start a nonprofit?
Melody: I would say be patient and really think about your mission before for me. Your nonprofit. You like, figure out your why before you would form it. That’s my advice.
Gracelyn: And definitely, make sure that the work that you’re doing is filling in a gap. Make sure that you’re providing something unique in the space. And know how your talents are going to contribute and use that mission to actually make an impact because there’s so many nonprofits out there, but it is really cool to think. Alright. People have figured it out before we can figure it out too.
Victoria: Can you speak to a little bit then how each of you what piece you thought was missing and what individually you bring? What gap are you filling? How do you articulate that?
Melody: Yeah, for me, I’ll speak for myself. I create books that I wish existed when I was sick, that I like, resources that didn’t exist at the time when I was younger. And one of the pieces is multicultural stories. So if I did find any information on childhood cancer, survivor, or anything like that. It just didn’t look like me. So I really wanted to make sure that, you know, there’s a lot of diversity in our books. We make sure that everybody can see themselves in our books. So that’s a piece that I think is unique. And also, Like, for us, we also include families. So we don’t just talk to cancer survivors or cancer fighters or breeders just to them.
We talk to the whole family. Because the whole family’s grieving, the whole family has cancer. So that’s our mission.
Gracelyn: We’re trying to humanize the topics cancer and greed because they’re very scary, but they’re very common experiences. So through showing multicultural stories and especially through the photography that we do. We knew that that was kind of key to impacting people. And people responded really well to seeing the eyes and faces within the photography of people they could relate to because sometimes that’s not out there. Sometimes people wanna just see a story, sometimes will wanna engage with it. Sometimes people wanna share their own story too. But that kind of all unfolded after we started to humanize the topic and really show what people look like. What does cancer look like? What does grief look like? What does grief look like? Ten years from now? Twenty years from now? Those are all questions that we had. And we kind of what about this process in a very curious way. We needed these books then and we need them now. So, you know, we hope that these large-scale photography projects and workbooks for kids, workbooks for adults, workbooks for the siblings of kids with cancer, And sometimes these groups that are oftentimes forgotten. In terms of providing support, we hope that they can feel to work that we do.
Victoria Volk: So if someone were to purchase a workbook, is this something that they do on their own time at home? Is their support as they work through it? How do you support people as they utilize the tools and the resources that you have shared?
Melody: Well, we have a large online community. So people reach out to us constantly via DMs or comments on our pages. We also will do workshops where we’re helping them work through the book. Most of those are in person, but we’ll break it up so that it’s not so overwhelming. It’s not homework. It’s not like you have to do twenty pages a day. You find the page that speaks to you and you work on that page. That’s how we work. But for the most part, I mean, people buy it and they kind of go along on their own, what speaks to them, what they think they need that day. So if they want something that’s snarky and funny to help them heal that day, they find that page. But then there’s some pages that are very much just in remembrance of their person that they lost. Or talking to their doctor or having their doctor sign a book for them. So it varies. Different people
Gracelyn: Different people Different pick the different times. And everybody’s different. Right? You never know what kind of mood you’re gonna be in, but if you pre-open a journal that’s kind of intimidating, so why not have some of these directed prompts? Why not have some humor? Sometimes in your grief, you do just wanna laugh.
Victoria Volk: I’m glad you brought that up in the pre-conversation form that we have, that I share. You had wrote about humor and dark humor, how helpful in healing. And I’m glad that you mentioned that because say, you might say something that other people are just like, oh my god, I can’t believe said that or I can’t you know, but if when you’re in it, it’s like anything to lighten the mood a little bit, to make yourself feel a little bit lighter. And I know for a lot of people who might have that personality of self-deprecating humor, which is kind of my personality a little bit. You know, I might have that sense of humor that many people may not get, but I think it’s important. It helps to I don’t know. I guess, feel lighter. Yeah. I go in the moment, I suppose. But now that we’ve talked a little bit about Luna Peak, I would like to dig a little bit deeper into your individual stories because really that’s how Luna Peak was born. So you had shared about melody about your diagnosis as a child? And how not many children survived? What do you think was the difference for you? I mean, given a fifty percent chance of survival, which I don’t know, you can speak to that too, but in my opinion on that, it’s, you know, we are all statistic of one, like everybody is everybody is different and everybody responds to treatment and all of that differently. And so I think that can be really damaging to the person’s psyche. An adult, not much less a child, to be told that. So can you share a little bit about that experience? And what was happening with your family at that time?
Meldoy: That was very, very time. I’m from a large family. I’m the youngest of five. So it definitely affected everybody. Everybody differently because we’re we have big age gaps.
So some of my siblings were adults when I was diagnosed. So the sibling that was still a child had the worst time with it. But I have to say, like, being a kid, I was six years old, So I kind of didn’t know anything different. I thought treatment was normal. You know, going to the hospital was normal. And I don’t think there’s any rhyme or reason why I survived and somebody else didn’t. It’s luck. I think I was lucky. I think that I was very lucky that I was diagnosed early. My mom felt lymph nodes on my neck and kept on persisting, and the leukemia hadn’t shown up in my bloodstream yet. So it would have been very easy to just say, okay, you know, she’s fine. We’re not gonna go back to the doctor, but my mom persisted. And the cancer was found in my bone marrow and spinal fluid. So luckily, she got those extra tests. So I was diagnosed a lot earlier than I think some kids you know, the diagnosis comes later and then it’s harder to care. But in the eighties, when I was diagnosed, it really was kind of a death sentence. You didn’t you didn’t think you were going to survive at all. And in our neighborhood, there were three kids that had cancer, and I was the one that survived. So, yeah, a lot of survivor guilt with that. So, like, a lot of people be like, what did you do different? It’s like, I didn’t do anything different. I was very lucky. But one thing that I think did help was staying positive and continuing to live life as a normal child as much as I could. So I tried to attend school as much as I could, and I tried to stay with my sport. I was a swimmer. So my parents, you know, would make sure that I was still attending swim meets and swim practice and kind of a little bit of normalcy.
Victoria: Had grief been something that had been a part of your life, up to that point? Or as you were going through your treatment? Like, is that something that was openly talked about in your home?
Melody: So not openly talked about, but experience. A month before I was diagnosed, my grandfather died very quickly from a colon cancer diagnosis. So, you know, my father had to deal with his dad dying and then me being diagnosed in a very short amount of time. So I knew what grief was and I knew that our family kind of suppressed it. You didn’t talk about it. You dealt with it on your own. But, yeah, I had just attended a funeral right before I was diagnosed.
Victoria Volk: Wow. How do you think that experience has evolved with you? Like, how do you feel like you’ve evolved maybe with your grief from that experience over time? Because, I mean, you had obviously, a loss of some childhood there, even though your parents made an effort to make sure that you had as much of the childhood as they as you possibly could. But how do you think that that has how you’ve evolved with that experience over time?
Melody: Yeah. I think that I learned a lot about grief because it was constant. A lot of friends were dying. So I think I learned how to live with it and not fight it. I guess, I’m okay with feeling those feelings. And I think a lot of people try to hide their grief. So I think it was it was good for me to sort of I mean, I don’t wanna say, grow up with grief, but I also had to grieve, you know, my childhood, and my parents had to grieve the child. They thought what they were going to have. Because you think you’re gonna be taking kids to baseball games and you think you’re gonna be taking your kids on vacations, but instead they were taking you to chemotherapy. So there was a lot of grief in our house for sure.
Victoria Volk: My dad was diagnosed with cancer. I was about six. He was given about six months to live. But he lived sixteen months and ultimately he passed away when I was eight. And so I under when you say, like, the whole family grieves, the whole family experiences, the cancer. That’s very true. It’s you know, I wasn’t and we were separated too because his treatment was, like, three hours away. But at that point, there really wasn’t nothing they could do him, but I understand where you’re coming from, how the whole family just experiences it, you know, full on. Right? You bring up a good point with losing other friends, right? Because as a child experiencing cancer and going through cancer, you meet other kids who are going through cancer treatments and things. Just as adults who might connect with other people who are going through cancer treatments and lose friends along the way and you don’t understand, well, why am I still here? And why did they pass away? Children experience that too, and that’s something that really is not talked about. Do you have a resource for helping the parents assist the child and losing other friends to the same thing that they’re maybe not the same thing, but a similar experience.
Melody: One thing that did help me, and this is gonna sound super crazy. I told this story before, so Graceland knows what I’m about to say, but I planned my own funeral at six. So when I was given it in a fifty percent chance of survival, I plan my own funeral, and there was something very empowering about that because I felt like if I died, I knew that things were gonna go the way I wanted them to go. So I chose my plot, which is still sitting there. I made sure that it was overlooking the pool because I wanted to look at my friend swimming.
So I chose my own plot. I chose my own coffin. Like, all of the crazy things that, you know, people go through. After somebody dies, I did it all before. And there’s something very good about being able to I mean, healing. It was healing for me to know that if I wasn’t here, that things were gonna be the way I wanted them to be. And I allocated which toys are going to which friends. So, I know, crazy. But so that was something I would actually, you know, advise people to do if you know that, you know, if somebody says you have six months to live, like, plan it because It does. It feels better. It really does feel better.
Victoria Volk: Now I’m sure people who are listening like me are curious. How did that come about? Like, is that something your parents, like, hey, how would you like to plan your own funeral? Like, how did that come about? Like, is it just, like, you know, were you beyond your years as a six year old you think?
Melody: For sure. Yeah. I don’t know if it was the cancer diagnosis or just who I am, but I felt like I was an instant adult at the moment of diagnosis. I don’t know exactly the moment that came about, but I know that I have a quirky mom that, you know, does things differently. And so it was probably her saying, hey, let’s go, you know. And we live in a really small community in California, and everybody kind of came together to help. So I’m sure that, you know, maybe somebody said, hey, you know, we’ll give you a discount on this or that or, you know, trying to help the family. So maybe that’s how, but I really honestly don’t know what started it, but I know I actually had a really good time doing it.
Victoria Volk: That’s interesting. I would say you’re probably an old soul. So, Gracelyn, I know you mentioned earlier that a father had passed away when you were twenty six. Is he your brother? Melody?
Melody: My brother-in-law.
Victoria Volk: Oh, brother-in-law. Okay. Was that a sudden loss for you or was that kind of expected?
Gracelyn: It was a sudden loss. So I thought I was actually training for a mudrun, and he was on a run. And he had a heart, like, a cardiac event it wasn’t exactly a heart attack. It was an electrical issue with his heart. So it was very sudden. I was in New York at the time. But Melody is here and actually, you know, it’s Melody’s brother-in-law, but really he was kind of a father figure to my aunt as well because we all kind of grew up together. Melody was kind of like the first child in my family because of the age gap between Melody and my mom. So she was kind of raised as their first baby. So we’ve been on family vacations together. We’re all very tight knit. So, yeah, it was a very big shop. It was actually seven years ago this week.
Victoria Volk: Can you speak to what you’ve learned through working with other grievers and survivors of cancer versus maybe survivors of the family left behind due to a sudden loss, like do you have anything specific that you did that helped you and that you have passed along to others that you’ve worked with and and and shared your resources and things with.
Gracelyn: You know, I don’t think anybody could really prepare you for the finality of someone being gone. Whether it’s a sudden loss or an anticipated loss. I mean, just the effect of having somebody there one day and not the next. It’s just wild and it’s so difficult to cope with that emotionally and physically to just you know, that person’s just there’s such a large space. There’s a large space in your heart. There’s a large space just in your vicinity, in your home, just somebody missing from the table. It’s just a very crazy experience, and it’s really difficult to get used to that. But I think having stories of other people learning how to cope with that has helped me I think when I started the process of interviewing and photographing creepers, I was just two years into loss. And I was very much broken. I wouldn’t definitely describe myself as lost as broken. You know, I had already gotten a career started, but when you experience that type of loss, it feels as if the life that you were living is gone. Right? You have to start your new life without them because everything is just reshuffled, all your priorities are different, everything that you thought mattered, maybe doesn’t matter as much anymore or different things matter more now. So, you know, I would describe myself as very very broken and lost and listening to people’s stories. And connecting with people either from my past or even connecting with our own family members was very healing for me. And the more that I started to interview people and get to know their stories and connect with them over this shared loss, the more I figured out, oh, okay, I don’t have to grieve exactly the way that they had grieved, but I can figure it out for myself. And that was kind of a big turning point at least for me. And, you know, even reconnecting with family members who are part of our project, it was crazy because, you know, in the case of even Melody’s dad, not having the opportunity to grieve his own dad while Melody was going through treatment, well, you know, that I was able to reconnect with him and get his grief story through this project. And so each of us with a father loss connecting And this is my grandpa who I’ve always grown up with. And I didn’t hear anything about his grief until, like, I sat hand out, and I learned what it meant for him as a father, you know, as a fatherless father going through other types of adversity in his life and how he started to rebuild.
And, yeah, maybe our stories aren’t completely the same. And I don’t think they have to be the same. To learn how other people have gone through it.
Victoria Volk: I totally one hundred percent agree. And that’s really the why I love this podcast so much because I’m storytelling. Right? People are storytelling. They’re telling they’re sharing their stories. And you’re sharing the stories of others through your photography in the book. I used to be a photographer. So it never occurred to me to, like, capture other people’s stories of grief through photography. Had you had an interest in photography before that project?
Gracelyn: I think I’m known as the person in the family who is like the annoying one who always demands a photo. Yeah. And I think everybody who is annoyed with it until my dad died, and now we’re like, oh, we have so many photos. That’s great, actually. So we’re a very decent eventful type of family. And, you know, it’s not like we were experts before we started this. We weren’t photographers by trade, but you know, we kind of started into it and we just made sure to focus on the eyes and the faces and kinda people bring their mementos to the table and share their story. And I think the point kind of came across as we went through it.
Victoria Volk: One thing I wish I would have done is purchase the book before we got on this call because I would have loved to have paged through it and been able to speak to it myself personally. So I do look forward to checking it out myself. So thank you for that work that you have done and put into that. And both of you for Luna Peak foundation because I’m sure that there are children who are feeling happier and lighter because of the resources that you’ve shared. Like, I’m not alone. Because even as children, they can feel alone and isolated in their grief. And I didn’t ask you yet, Graceland, but was grief something that was talked about in your home growing up?
Gracelyn: Yeah. It wasn’t. And you know, I had experienced a loss of an uncle who actually lived with us. And I think about my dad’s story, my dad had actually lost everyone except for her sister in his immediate family.
Victoria Volk: Okay.
Gracelyn: Very young, actually. So, you know, he had even gone through five different close losses before he passed away, very suddenly. And, you know, he never talked about it. And so that is kind of an interesting element to it and that I’m perpetually curious about that. You know, how did he get through the loss of his dad, his mom, his sibling, another sibling.
You know, how did he get through it? And that’s kind of still a mystery. And so I think part of work is kind of digging into it and, you know, laying bare all of these unspoken pieces of grief and other people’s stories. Because I kinda don’t have any answers myself, and it’s hard to so you actually go through it, which is an unfortunate reality of a lot of people’s grief experiences.
Victoria Volk: You know, I say, like, you know, if you’ve been with the same person for forty, fifty, sixty, seventy years, and, you know, spouses, let’s say they’re married, and one of them passes away. And it’s not uncommon that the other spouse passes away shortly thereafter, and they say, well, he died of a broken heart. Perhaps that is part of it with your dad, that he had so much loss that he didn’t complete those emotions for himself with all of those losses. It wasn’t, you know, something that he just buried and stepped down and, you know, perhaps it was a broken heart. Literally, like, a broken heart. It’s not about digging up the past and hashing everything out. Right? Because all relationships are different and there’s less than loving relationships and there’s loving relationships. But regardless of what kind of relationship you have with your loved ones, there’s gonna be stuff that upsets you and makes you angry and sad and maybe resentful and all of these things and, of course, lots of love and joy in memories too, but that’s, you know, the polarity of life. Right?
So what is your training through the David Kessler grief educator program taught you that you may not have realized before any aha moments through your training and things.
Gracelyn: I think what I found most valuable was the thoughts on children’s grief and how they go through it. Because I lost my dog when I was twenty six and Melody has a lot of experience with grief as a child, but that was something that I wasn’t as familiar with. And to hear some of the stories about what he has done therapy and to think about how play is incorporated into children’s grief and how that can be helpful. For them or how they can compartmentalize on, like, adults can in their grief. They can kind of go in and out of their grief. A lot more than an adult can for example. And so that has helped inform the work that we do in talking to adults. In, you know, hosting these workshops and just being a general resource for people and creating a kids version of our group workbook for example. And it kind of helped us organize some of these pages too because kids do wanna draw. Kids do wanna talk about their memories. They do wanna talk about their loved ones favorite things. And how can we do this and kind of interleave more playful activities in between it? Or how can they use their creativity to unpack their grief experience? And even if they might not fully understand what grief is, they’re still grieving. So how can we do this in a very honest way and invite them and welcome them to start to process their emotion? And so I found that to be really useful. From the grief educator program.
Victoria Volk: I think it’s important to mention too that the parents or the caretakers or caregivers of the children are open to their children talking about their loss and their grief because for a lot of parents in that situation, let’s say they lost their parent. The child lost their grandparent. There I’ve personally heard of situations where the parent does not want the child to bring up the grandparent because it sets them or it makes them sad or whatever. And but really, it’s not about you, the parent. Right? Like, and maybe that’s part of the lesson here is that if you’re not willing and open to talk about your own feelings and your own grief, your child is not going to feel safe talking about their own. I’m certified through the grief recovery institute and there’s these six myths of grief and one of them is you know, a few of them don’t feel bad. Replace the loss. Grieve alone. And these are things that we learn that is emulated by our parents and caregivers of how to how to deal with grief when something happens. Like, they don’t talk about it, so I guess I can’t talk about it or I’m told not to talk about it. So now I gotta go grieve alone. Right? And so we I can speak to that personally as a child who lost a parent as a child. There has to be space for children to let that go and to express it. And so I love that your program incorporates that, but the parents really do have to be open to that to their child having that experience and sharing it with them. Otherwise, they grew up a griever as an adult that’s like many of many people walking around stuffing their feelings and not talking about it. Right? So I’m glad that as a society, I think we’re getting better at this. I think we’re getting better as adults sharing and talking and communicating and demystifying death and dying even too. Right? Like, it doesn’t have to be this even as an end of life, Dula, which you are a trained in a life dual as well. So am I? It’s so much in common. It’s important that we are able to have those discussions of what is important to us at end of life to there are so many things we could talk about here, but what piece of advice that you would give a young adult who has experienced a loss of a parent or someone significant. I know you had mentioned the things that helped you, but if people aren’t sure what to do or where to turn, what would you suggest?
Gracelyn: I love saying that, you know, you can carve your own path I think everything is shopping after loss and the change just keeps coming. And the sooner that you can roll with the punches and welcome those changes, the sooner you’ll be able to cope with it in a healthy way. I think not a lot of people understand at least from the outside, when you go through grief, it’s not just the grief of your person. There is an entire ripple effect. And it affects your whole family, it affects your whole network, your job, where you physically are, just so many things can also change and so many different secondary losses that come with it. And I think there’s so many stereotypes and I think as a griever, there’s so much dancing around uncomfortable topics and not making other people uncomfortable with what you’re going through. And it’s okay to carve your own path, and it’s okay if you end up doing something, you had no idea that you would be doing. I mean, I’m really shocked by everything that we’ve created. And this is just kind of where my life has led me, but I think my dad would have I was crazy for quitting my day job and for quitting a very stable day job in corporate America to, you know, just try this out. So, you know, it’s okay that your life might look different. It should look different after loss. And I think part of embracing that change is honoring the fact that the loss has occurred. And to acknowledge it, why would your life look the same when some of you that you love so much is gone? So Yeah. I guess it’s twofold. Be okay with carving carving your own path and be okay with the changes that just keep coming.
Victoria Volk: My last guest on the podcast, she said something that was very poignant. It’s very simple. How do I want this to change me? Because we do have a choice. You know, it can really derail our entire lives. Loss and grief can derail our entire lives. We can base our choices and our decisions of that emotional weight that we carry or we can do something about it. So thank you so much for what you guys have created. And I want to ask to, what do you feel like are the gaps right now that you see still in the grief and end-of-life space?
Melody: I think that talking about it is always going to be a gap. So that’s why I’m very proud of Gracelyn’s snapshots of life after loss on Instagram because she’s created a community of people that can talk. So seeing other people talk triggers you to talk and tell your story and hearing other people’s story. So it’s this like she said, it’s this ripple effect. So I do think that, you know, storytelling is important. And what you’re doing is important. And, you know, I do think that the gap is finding someone or finding other people that are like you that are grieving similar losses as you that connection. So I think the connection is needed. And there has been so much progress with celebrities talking about grief, grief in
Gracelyn: the news, especially with COVID. There’s so much more talk about grief, which is, you know, incredible and you see so many creative people using their unique talents to draw, to create films about grief in a very real way documentaries, and that’s been a really awesome thing to see. I mean, we’ve been doing this for about five years, but you know, still more keeps coming out and I love seeing that. It’s really empowering even for me as a brief creator, if you will. But, you know, we always need more stories of men talking about their grief. We need more stories of people talking about their grief when they grew up not having grief. Great resources. One of the people in our project is actually a family friend. He’s holding it down as sixty six years after loss. So we have, like, a whole range of people who talk about their loss, and it ranges from one to sixty six years. But, you know, to even have somebody come to the table who had no resources to then share about six decades worth of grief and what he went through. The more that we get these stories and we get men, we get people who are of different generations talking about you know, the landscape and what resources they had and what wisdom that they have to share. The better we’re all better off hearing the experiences of someone who can relate to and, you know, and then learn from people who have a different background. So we just hope that there is a lot more age diversity cultural diversity, gender diversity, all the diversity, I think we’re all better off. You know, seeing and hearing those types stories.
Victoria Volk: Was it just you or are you the only child in your family, or did you have a sibling that you experienced the loss of your father with?
Gracelyn: I have a brother. Yeah. He’s older.
Victoria Volk: Did it bring you closer together?
Gracelyn: Yeah. We were very tight knit. I would say we’re a very, very close family, which is why it’s been hard to go from a family of four to that kind of rebalancing act of going to you know, become a family of three. But, yeah, we’ve gone through so much together and, you know, it’s really shed some light on all the different types of loss and grief that you can go through. And I really see him as a companion in my grief, and I’m thankful that we’re actually five years apart, so he’s five years older. And he has more memories than I do with my dad, and sometimes he helps fill in those gaps for me. And even though we’re both adults when it happens, you know. Mhmm. Still those five years are five years of, you know, more he knew about my dad, and I’m really thankful that he is a friend in this process. He is my best friend. Yeah.
Victoria Volk: Do you highlight also stories of people who may not have had someone die, but still have experienced maybe estrangement or maybe they were adopted and they don’t know who their parents are situations like that. Do you address or do you highlight all types of loss? Or is it mostly people that have experienced the death of a loved one?
Melody: So far, it’s only been the death of a loved one, but we acknowledge all types of grief, obviously. And where we have a few things in the works that will expand on types of greed and types of loss, but it’s still more loss than you know, grieving something, you know, grieving a change in your life or something like that.
Victoria Volk: How would you to define grief?
Melody: I guess, for me, I mean, this it’s a common saying that brief comes and waves. So it’s a feeling that’s ever-changing. It’s a constant changing feeling for me and we talk about moments of grief that come and go and those moments even change. You know, we feel like memories. So you hear a song about your person on the radio. And sometimes that song will make you cry, but sometimes that song will make you happy. So there’s, you know, creep I guess there’s no definition for me. It really is just an ocean. Grief is an ocean.
Victoria Volk: How about you, Gracelyn?
Gracelyn: I think it’s just a part of you. I think it’s something that is just forever than there. Like almost physically, it’s just a part of your body that’s just always on you. One of our participants actually said that he was under the influence of grief, and we really loved. We really loved that quote because It’s just and that kind of just comes over you, you know, in good ways and in bad ways and everything in between, but we thought that was, like, a really good way to explain how grief just kind of overtakes you sometimes.
Victoria Volk: That really could be a really snarky and funny bumper sticker. Is there anything else that you would like to share about Luna Peak Foundation or Luna Peak Publishing? Or about your stories?
Melody: You know, I like to tell people that when you know a griever, it’s I we get this question the most, actually. Like, my friends, you know, dad just died. What should I do for them? You know, because we wanna help our friends or, you know, our companions that are dealing with grief, but often people don’t know how to help. And since everyone briefed you have to know the person, but I feel like Gracelyn’s book, our book beyond wreath, is probably one of the best things to give to a new griever. Because they have so many resources in one place. They can find someone that is similar to them or how many years out of grief because one thing we want to know is what is grief like five years from now, ten years from now. And you can find that in the book. And I certainly don’t like getting flowers for deaths or for grief because, I don’t know, the smell of the flowers, like, reminds me of funerals. It reminds me of death because the flowers die. So I like to give our book. Obviously, I do, but I tell people, like, something that’s tangible that they can hold and they can keep with of them is better than a bouquet..
Victoria Volk: That’s great tip. I just wanna share a resource with you both through the grief recovery institute, the founder of the grief recovery institute co-authored a book called the grief recovery handbook but in that book, they define grief as the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations, and anything that you wish would have been different, better, or more. And for me, that, like, totally rings true for I mean, that covers all kinds of grief. Right? I mean, loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. I mean, I can be for relationships. I can be for your life. It can be your career, money, like all sorts of things. So I just wanted to share that resource with you both that that book exists and there’s also when children Grieve is another book that they have. But yes, I think the more people that do this work, the better off society is no matter how you bring it about, no matter how you share it, whether it’s through photography or through workbooks or there’s so many resources now that, like you mentioned, before, did not exist. Twenty, thirty years ago. I know for me as a child griever nobody knew what to do. Nobody knew what to say, so nobody did anything. Nobody said anything. You know? And like you said, when children, you know, children can come in and out of their grief and they can compartmentalize, like, don’t assume that just because a child is not exhibiting sad or, you know, anger behavior or something. You know, like, I was a wall like, I was a wallflower. Like, I was very shy and kept to myself and some children just experience it differently or express it differently, like, you know, they say, you know, too, like, children that are exhibiting, like, anger or aggressive behavior. They’re just hurting that’s a child hurting, you know. And so we just we label them kids as bad kids or good kids, you know. And so I think we need to get away from those labels instead of asking what’s wrong with you, maybe what happened to you, you know? So thank you for the resources that you’ve created and have put out into the world and what you have to come. So what Can you share a little bit what you’re excited about right now?
Gracelyn: I actually just brought her our sample of the grief workbook for kids. So we’re working on that. But a lot of what we do is we bring care packages and books to kids and hospitals. So for pediatric, cancer boards, we bring them some of Melody’s resources and her children’s books and the workbook and the photography books. And so we’re getting those all into Spanish as well.
Victoria: Oh that’s nice
Gracelyn: So that’s kind of one of our, you know, big parts of our mission is to make these books accessible for people and to make this learn being in education and processing accessible for everyone, so especially in the LA area where we are. We like to donate all of these books to hospitals, so we’re working on those new books. Yeah.
Victoria Volk: I love that. And I’m also told or we had talked about it before that you’ll have discount code for the week after the episode airs? Yes.
Gracelyn: So the code will be grieving voices in all caps. And everyone will get 15% off when you use that code.
Victoria Volk: Off of a book. Right?
Gracelyn: Yes.
Victoria Volk: Yes. Okay.
Gracelyn: Then that’ll be through our website, which is lunapeakpublishing.com.
Victoria Volk: And I will put that information in the show notes as well as along with the dates. So we have that perfect. And anything else you would like to share?
Melody: Just that you’re never alone. You know, you walk past a grieve every single day and you don’t even know it.
Victoria Volk: That’s true. And you don’t know what people are physically dealing with, right? Because sickness and illness can doesn’t show up all the time with a bald head. Right?
Gracelyn: Right.
Victoria Volk: You know, compassion. Let’s give some compassion. And light in the world. We need it for sure. One more question. What has your grief taught you?
Melody: I mean, I think what I just said that you’re not alone, you know, finding other creepers. You know, it taught me that there is no right way to grieve.
Gracelyn: The same for me as well. And I think I figured out that sharing can be healing, whether you’re sharing with yourself. And acknowledging those feelings or sharing with a community or sharing it a book. It was through that ripple full effective healing that we figured out our path as a nonprofit, actually. It was through having cancer survivors share their story with another cancer survivor and to have that really quick bond with someone and to see kind of the healing happened there. In addition to putting their story in a book and elevating their voice and having that heal the readers. We like to call that the ripple effect of healing, and that’s kind of continued with the grief book as well. And it was through other people sharing their stories even with me as the editor that really helped me heal. So I’m really thankful to have discovered that. It’s okay to acknowledge this, and it’s okay to, you know, give some power back the grief experience even though people might not wanna talk about it. It’s okay to share and it’s okay to find those people and the community that understands you.
Victoria Volk: Very important. Thank you so much. I love this conversation. I like what you guys are doing and sharing with the world. And I appreciate your time, both of you for being here today. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, Widowhood |
Laurie-Ann Murabito | An Eternal Optimist
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Being an eternal optimist means always looking on the bright side and having hope, no matter what obstacles might attempt to push you off your path.
Some people may not necessarily be eternal optimists. However, they’ve become incredibly good at reframing a challenging situation for the better.
I would say I am more of a “reframing” type. However, this week’s guest, Laurie-Ann, can remember being an eternal optimist since she was a little girl. And as I dug more deeply during our conversation, it was discovered that being the strong one for those around her was a behavior emulated by her mother as she grew up.
Laurie-Ann shares about the loss of her mother very recently to cancer and the death of her first husband, where she found herself a widow at age 36 before they even reached their first anniversary. She additionally shares a funny story about her father. A bike accident caused him to go blind in one eye. However, that did not deter her from offering her father a little perspective, probably when he needed it most.
We all have a story to tell. Laurie-Ann helps others tell their stories through authentic storytelling. Loss has shaped her as a speaking coach and how she shows up on stage and writes her speeches. But perhaps, her optimistic energy has helped her stay grounded in the one thing she knows how to do and what she does best – reframe the weave the worst of stories into a tapestry of gold.
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If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, my guest is Laurie Ann Muirbito, She is a public speaker. But first, I wanna share if you listened last week that I was going to change how I was gonna run this podcast a little bit. Forgoing the whole format of focusing on nonprofits and things, And I’m just gonna go with the flow and share content that I feel is on my heart or mind for that week what I feel I wanna talk about, who I’m speaking with, just go with the flow. So that’s how I’m going to move forward with this podcast, and I’m excited to say that the first conversation for this newly decided format is with Lori Anne. And so I’m going to have her fully introduce herself, and thank you for being here.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Thank you. So I am a reformed painfully shy girl who couldn’t even make eye contact who accidentally became a professional speaker. Funny story there. And I spoke on leadership and corporate engagement and would help companies and worked with a lot of the Fortune five hundred and one thousand companies. And then I just got tired of hopping on airplanes. And it was all because of a text message that I took a little bit of a pivot to help entrepreneurs such as yourself, new coaches, Victoria, to start leveraging speaking opportunities to grow their audience and fill out their programs. Because there are so many opportunities for all of us to be sharing our story and our solution with more people.
Victoria Volk: And so thank you for being here. And before I forget, what was the text? You can’t throw that out there and not share what the text was.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: That’s true. The text message was Lori and Do you write speeches? The people. And the answer was no. But because I kinda knew her, I said, I’ll help you.
And We met for coffee, and she was, like, three years away from retiring from her government job. And at that point, you will stand on your head for three more years to finish out your time. But I helped her craft a presentation because she had a side hustle that was kind of going to become her retirement hustle, if you will. And she was a stylist a personal stylist. And she had been successfully losing money for five years. Her husband said, you can’t do this when you retire. And so I was like, oh, I’ll teach you how to get booked. I’ll teach you how to write a presentation that’s compelling. Captivating and most importantly converting. And after her very first presentation, she walked away with two referrals to two other places to speak and three full-paying clients. In my books, that was a home run, and I that I was like, wonder if other coaches and consultants would like to know what I do and how to leverage speaking opportunities. And that’s how I kinda, like, got into the spot.
Victoria Volk: It was kind of a happenstance conversation for me too. Someone said, well, you wrote a book about grief, didn’t you? And I was totally looking to assist business owners, entrepreneur, solo entrepreneur, in just, like, one off conversations of how to, like, where are they stuck? And that’s what I was working towards, and this and she said that to me and I’m like, well, yeah, I did. It didn’t even occur to me that grief was something that I knew inside out. And so I’m glad that I asked about that text because oftentimes people ask us for what they need, right, that they know that we can offer them And if you are have experienced a lot of grief in your life, you have knowledge, you have wisdom, you have hinds the gift of hindsight to reflect on your life. And so what and you often ask yourself, what do I really wanna do? And the hint may be in what people are asking of you.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yes. You have to listen very carefully.
Victoria Volk: So thank you for sharing that story. You actually are my speaking coach and it was kind of a no-brainer the last time we spoke to have you on as on my podcast because you’ve had a lot of loss and recent loss, big losses. And what struck me is that I didn’t even know your mother had passed away. I knew she was sick, but when we got on her call, I didn’t know she had passed away because you were still showing up. You’re still showing up for me and the other people that are in our mastermind. And I had no idea. I was like, none the wiser. And people might from the outside might say, oh, you’re so strong and say all these myths about grief, and are you really okay? They’re expecting you to fall apart too. So can you just share, like, your reflection on the well, first of all, let’s let’s start yeah. We’ll just I’ll let you take this.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: I’ll just share that. I’m not the sort of person to oh, my mother just died and put that out on social media and make the big announcement. My husband kind of did so. He put it out and he was like he put my mother’s obituary out there. But I’m not that sort of person. Probably because I don’t feel that I needed to have all of these people say, oh, I’m so sorry for your loss, when it was actually a beautiful experience. So my mother was diagnosed on Victoria, you don’t know this. Well, you know part of this. My mother was diagnosed with leukemia and like, sometime around February, March, there was a lot of tests that were going on. And my mother lives in Ohio. So she lives about a 12-hour drive away from where me and two of my other sisters are. And she lives close to one of my sisters. Who was taking her to the doctor’s appointment. And so and literally, on March 23rd, they’ve got the final diagnosis. My sister in Ohio called to share the news. And that my mother was going to proceed with chemotherapy. So, and she did well on the chemo. Until she just started to get too tired and she was tired of being tired. She was tired of being weak. She was tired of, like, she couldn’t even go to the bathroom by herself. And it was at that point that she was, like I’m just I’m done. I’m done with the treatments. I’m done with the blood work. I’m done with the getting platelets. I mean, she was literally had to get blood transfusions probably twice a week. Wow. Yeah. So that’s a little too frequent. She just decided she was like, I’m just done. So it’s a death can actually be a beautiful experience. And I have experienced one death prior my life got it back in 2004, and it was my first husband. And we hadn’t even been married that long. But again, both of them were a form of cancer. So it wasn’t a car accident. It wasn’t something that was really sudden. I knew it was going to happen. So I think when it’s gonna happen, like one I could step into being the person that my mother needed me to be, which was somebody who was strong, somebody who was smiling. Like me and my sisters, like, we just weren’t sad. It was, like, I mean, yes, it’s a sad experience. But it can also be really, really beautiful. And I don’t know, like, where I’m going with this story now. But the funny thing is so my sister made that phone call on March twenty third, twenty twenty two. My mother passed away on March twenty third. Twenty twenty three. Wow. Exactly one year. And I actually and I personally love the date that you died on three Twenty three. Twenty three. Just like mom to make her mark. Mhmm. But it can be sad if you decide that it’s going to be sad and traumatic, but it can also be really beautiful. And I chose to see it as a beautiful experience. I mean, I wouldn’t have wanted to have gotten the phone call that said, mom passed away. Moms you know, Mom’s mom’s dead. I was there. Listening to her, take her final breaths. And I found so much comfort. I mean, we were playing music, like my mother’s was had a very strong faith. So we’re playing a lot of these Christian songs that we knew that she’d love. And I remember telling my sister, can you she just lower it? Because I just wanted to hear her breathe. Yeah. Because sooner or later, it was like she was going to like, it was gonna be that last breath.
Victoria Volk: Eyes are just swelling up.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Mine too.
Victoria Volk: As a trained end of life do a lot, that is the goal and the mission to help families foster and nurture that desire for their loved one to have a death that is honoring their wishes and a death with dignity and respect and however they want that to look like. So had she expressed. I mean, obviously, she had a sense of agency where she was like, I’m done with treatment. And some family can get really up set by that, like, why aren’t you fighting? Why aren’t you trying? Like that can cause a lot of conflict in families when someone chooses that for themselves. But every family dynamic is different and every relationship is different. But it seemed that she was exhibiting her sense of agency from the moment she felt she needed to.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yeah. And we as her daughter’s really look at it. It was like, what do you want mom? So we were constantly trying to honor her wishes and I remember, like, the moment, like like, okay. Let’s bring in hospice and they will explain everything to us. We’re also very blessed that one of my sisters is a registered nurse and actually does infusion therapies for people that are really ill. She goes to their home and gives them medicine. So to have somebody like my sister just like constantly monitoring and looking at the numbers, and she just knew where my mom was even if mom didn’t know where she was, And when I and when I say it was, like, it’s not that she didn’t know, like, her surroundings, but I’m talking about, like, diagnostically, like, what like, blood count numbers, what that actually meant. And so, I mean, so, like, having my sister, it was almost like, the adviser in the family, like, everybody was constantly looking to her, but we didn’t still opt for hospice so that my sister, the nurse, could be her daughter, and not her nurse, not her caretaker. And we think we thought that we were gonna be at the hospice house a lot longer than we actually were. We’re only there for two and a half days. Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, when we when I tell you that, like, we packed snacks for days. For some reason, we thought we were gonna be there a while. Yeah.
Victoria Volk: Wow. How was this loss different for you in a lot of ways from your husband’s passing?
Laurie-Ann Murabito: My husband’s passing was really the first major death that I’ve ever experienced. And I was thirty-six and found myself a widow. I think, again, I was able to just put myself into the person that he needed me to be and honoring his wishes. And I’ll tell you a funny story. Because music is very uplifting for me. And I must have gone out, and this was literally like the day before he passed, and he passed very fast. I had gone to the market for something listening to some very upbeat music. So I come in the house and I’m smiling and upbeat and bouncy if my husband says to me. He says, you’re awfully upbeat for a woman who’s about to lose her husband. And I went, Mm-mm. Yeah. So would you like and I constantly was doing this throughout our marriage. I was always giving him choices. So would you like me to be sad and crying? Or would you like me to be smiling and laughing? And he chose to be smiling and laughing, and I said, okay, you got it. So your wish is my commands, basically. And that’s how I would just be. I just felt like I had to be this because he was constantly looking at me for clues, for, like, where am I? Again, health-wise, should I be afraid? And I was always like if I showed, like, no fear, like, you’re doing great. Everything is going according to plan on, then he would react And then his family, his brother, and sister, and daughter would also react the same way too. Like, everybody’s just feeding off of each other’s energy. So I just stepped into just being like, like, you’re doing great. Like, and that’s how I was throughout his illness. And my family didn’t even know that he was as sick as he was because it was always like, how is Bob? And I’m like, who’s great? But then great turned into good. Good turned into okay until my sister, the nurse, called one day and said, how are you doing? And I said about as good as a woman can be when her husband’s dying. My sister was like, what? Like, it’s just not something that I talked about because he was still in the mode at that time of fighting. He felt that it was part of his responsibility to because he was also the older brother, to be around for his siblings, to be around for his daughter, to be that role model. So it wasn’t until he made the decision. He was like, I’m tired. I said, okay. Well, like, like, little hospices next. So I think because of having that experience and when he took his last breath, that’s when I kind of got this new belief about death that it is as beautiful as life. Now, I’ve never had children myself but me and aunt and seeing my sisters have children I saw how beautiful like this experience was. And to me, like, It was as beautiful that I could be there with him as he departed from this world. So having that experience, it was like, here I am, I’m 55 and just lost my mom. So I was able to kinda tap into that same energy. And that experience to use with my mom. And we had a good time in her final days. My mother was hilarious. Tried a great sense of humor.
Victoria Volk: Did you not let people see your fear? Did you not let people see like, in the quiet moments, like, when you’re sitting on the toilet or when you’re driving, like, is that when, like, you just let it out? Like, when did you let it out?
Laurie-Ann Murabito: In the shower.
Victoria Volk: In the shower.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: That’s when I would cry in the shower. I would cry when I was when I was driving. Yeah. When yeah. When people couldn’t see me. Because, again, I guess, like and I’m the oldest. So I feel like that sense of responsibility to be that role model. And like, four others. So if I can be strong they don’t have anything to, like, worry about. So there are pros and cons to that sort of behavior, certainly. And But it also makes me the eternal optimist.
Victoria Volk: I was gonna say you must have positivity in your top ten and your u map. Fire I had to take the assessment. I bet you have positivity up there.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Well, my dad had a major accident on his bicycle. And so this happened, like Bob passed away. It was after Bob had passed away like, several years. And had a massive head injury med flighted to Boston, that sort of injury. And so ended up being blind in his right eye. Even though he’s wearing a helmet, he just hit a rock just right underneath his helmet. So my dad’s blind in his right eye. But meaning the eternal optimism, I think I sent this to him, in the hospital, if not, shortly after I was like, I was like, dad, that’s why you got two eyes, two arms, two legs, two kidneys, several lungs, slopes. I was like, stop it. Stop complaining about that you’re blinding your right eye. You got another one. Again, internal optimist
Victoria Volk: Perspective. Right. It can accept I mean, it’s like being kept and obvious, but But it’s also, like, just to give someone perspective. Like, it — Mhmm. — it could be worse. Right? It yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: It could have been a whole lot worse. And if anything with my dad because the front part of your brain is where your personality is, His personality changed. My father is the typical engineer. And as a result of getting hit in the head, he’s way more talkative. Really? Maybe we’re to oh, yeah. Had my sisters and I known this? We’d hit them in the head a long time ago. And I use that story in my speaking. Yes.
Victoria Volk: Perfect segue. So how has your speaking transformed from, because you were a public speaker before your husband, Bob?
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yes.
Victoria Volk: And so how has that shifted and changed and how have you grown as a public speak speaker since you’ve experienced a grief and loss that like you’d have.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: More authentic — Mhmm. — more urgency, because life is short. I think a lot of us know that, but we don’t really know that. We understand it, but we don’t actually put that understanding into action. So he was here and he was in my life and I was in his life for a reason. So what was I going to do now as a result of like, wow, like just seeing the evidence that life is so short. Because he did die really young. And I just had that sense of urgency, like, why am I hanging around? Why am I just waiting. Why am I playing small? What if I just went all out? Because like, what if I only had another six months to live? And my mother was very fortunate to live to almost 80. And in those final days and weeks and months, I mean, like, to have, like, some of these conversations that her night should have had a long time ago. And I remember her saying to me something about, like, we wasted so much time because we didn’t have this a particular conversation. And I said, that’s okay. We’re gonna live a lifetime of our relationship in a short period of time. That’s all. Like, here’s what we got. Again, the eternal optimist kind of came out then also. So in my speaking, like, I really do share deeper stories, not these superficial stories. I’ll share myself. I mean, I’ve spoken on days that one time in particular I spoke in Boston, on the anniversary that, well, that my husband and I would have shared our wedding anniversary. So I’ve shared about that because then people really get to know really get to know me that I’m not just some stick figure up there that’s like talking about leadership and but I get to be like a lot more honest. A lot more honest even like with my private clients also. It’s like, here’s who I am. Here’s some of my loss. Like, my life has not been peachy came. It’s like the social media. Everybody thinks that everybody’s life looks so perfect. And that’s what I should be striving for when it’s like, no. It’s full of tears and some hurts and some disappointment. Am I disappointed that my husband and I didn’t even make it to our first anniversary? Yeah. I was. But what I did was I made the best of the situation. And I’ll problem. Me and my sisters will do the same thing with my mom. And what I mean by that is so my husband and I were married on March 6. He passed away on November 1st. So when March 6 rolled around, I had a cocktail party at my house. Filled with some people that I that I chose. And it was just to, like, celebrate that him and I, like, we got married a year ago. And then on November 1st, again, I had another cocktail party in my house, and it was filled with the people who had supported me in that past year. And I remember that time people saying, somebody had said, because everybody always stands around in the kitchen. Like, Laurie-Ann, who are all these people? And I literally went around the room and I not only named who they were, but this is what you did. For me and supported me or Bob, like, in the past year. And just kinda I knew that I had to change the date. The meaning of the day. Mhmm. And so that’s why I had the cocktail party. So my mother’s birthday is August 14th, and I know that we will one sister is already gonna be out of town, but I’ll probably have coconut cake. That was my mother’s favorite. Nothing fancy. It’s a pepperidge farm or nothing. My mother had to have pepperidge farm coconut cake. And I will have coconut cake in my mother’s honor.
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: I don’t know if that.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: And then come March twenty-third, I’m sure me and my sisters will do something fun also. So I just think that grief gets to be what you want it to be. This is what you talk about all the time Victoria’s about. How to do grief differently. So let me share with you going to the funeral home. I remember my mother’s pretty funny. And me and my sisters all got her sense of humor. So we must have been giggling as we were walking up the steps. And it’s a Friday afternoon. Mom passed away on Thursday night. And he opens the door and just we go into his office, we sit at this table, this wooden table, it’s me and my sisters that are kind of in a semicircle and he’s on the other side and he says, this reminds me of growing up. Me and my four older sisters, not that you guys enrolled because I think I’m the oldest one, and that started it. We were in his office for ninety minutes. Laughing. The tissues that we had that he had on like, we weren’t crying. They were tears of joy or laughter. And he’s asking us questions about my about our mom, and we’re like, some of the questions, like, we actually didn’t know the answer. I remember hearing them, like, where did my mother go to when did you graduate high school? We were like, shit. I don’t know. I don’t know. So now we’re texting my aunt, her sister. Who’s her remaining the only remaining person in her family now. We’re texting her and I label it as, we’re doing funeral trivia. Funeral trivia. Okay? So these so so you sort of get a sense of what this was like, ninety minutes were laughing. So he was trying to ask all this information because he’s going to write the typical obituary. But my sister one of my sisters loves to write. And I’ve done a lot of copy classes. So we decided that we’re going to write it instead, and it was hilarious. It had lusilism and my mother loved Yazzi and some just some phrases that she constantly said, Well, my aunt, when she said when she read the obituary, she said, you guys are hired. You’re writing mine when I need one. But the funeral director he was expecting something like that because we send it to him, like, it’s not your typical obituary. He was, like, I wouldn’t spectatistical one from you for you girls. So he was just he really helped I love the fact that he was so he just mirrored us instead of, well, you’re supposed to be sad. Are you guys just avoiding this and, like, we weren’t avoiding anything? We knew that it was coming. And I think he also just made us feel that it was okay for us just to laugh. Now for anybody who’s listening, I mean, don’t think that we didn’t have our breakdowns. I certainly had my moments that I would say I’m not proud of. Just we’re not gonna get sad and said things that I like, in hindsight, it was just like, oh, god. Why didn’t I say that to that person? So there’s a lot of forgiveness. Forgiveness of ourselves. That’s something that I know that you talk about a lot.
Victoria Volk: I can see my siblings and I kind of doing a similar thing when we have the right obituary for my mom. Someday. She’s going to be 80, but she still works. And she’s a firecracker of a lady and she’s like the type of person you hear her before you see her. Gotcha. Yeah. She doesn’t know a stranger. Anywhere. Yeah. It just makes me reflect on how I can see us trying to I mean, it’s one last way to honor the person too, right, to kind of bring their personality into how you want them to be remembered and things like that. Yeah. So thank you for sharing that. And also that there is, like, you can be positive and you can try to support others in making light of the situation, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have your own moments. Right? And the and the privacy of your own heart, and there’s a lot of people like that. I’m like that. Like, I try to keep it to not to myself. Like, I let it out, but I like to let it out in private because — Yeah. — and were you like that as a kid too? Like, I they had to send search parties out for me. At one time they did because I was in the linen closet. When I was upset or sad or I was crying, I would go and hide to cry. Under the bed and I’d fall asleep wherever I laid, whether it was the kitchen cupboard and where the cereal was. Which was one time or in the linen closet or under my bed, which was
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Oh my gosh.
Victoria Volk: That’s but I think, too, And this is where I wanna talk about this aspect of it too. It’s the myths of grief, like one of two of them are, grief alone, and another is be strong. And so this stuff is taught to us as children. And so can I ask growing up? Was that how grief was mirrored for you or shown how you respond. How was grief taught to you? When you’re growing up.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: I think the short answer is I don’t know.
Victoria Volk: Mhmm.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: But to answer the question, I think, watching my parents who are like growing up. You just think like that’s the way that life is. There’s so much that happens. In family dynamics that we don’t like, I wasn’t sort of person that question much. I observed I’m a really good observer. My father, the engineer, I remember a close uncle of his passing, and I did I do remember my father crying. As soon as he got off the phone, I was too young when his dad passed. To really remember that, but I do remember the uncle. And I do remember my mother bringing me to, like, wakes as a young girl. And I did think it was I thought it was weird. Like, I think the first one that my mother brought me to was a young girl who had was a somebody that she worked with, and their daughter, I think, had drowned. So it was a young person. Wow. So I don’t know if it was my mom’s way of just saying like, hey, like, this is just like what happens in life. But my mother was also the sort of person who didn’t deal well with any feelings that were other than happy and joyful. So she stuffed her feelings down. So maybe that’s where I learned that whole modeling thing, model your strength, and just be happy. So it wasn’t something that I don’t know how to answer that because I don’t
Victoria Volk: remember that I did. I think you guys did.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Thank you. Because of a coach and having gone through coaching, education and having coached a lot of people, like one the death of my first husband. So those were choices that I made. I decided. I decided that I didn’t wanna have any regrets.
I do remember that decision. I did not wanna have any regrets when he passed. So if that meant making the really fattening shrimp alfredo, which he absolutely loved, if it meant like having that like night after night, then that’s what I would do. If it meant having ice cream after a dock appointment instead of going and getting a decent lunch. Well, that’s what we did. I didn’t wanna have any regrets and that kind of meant, hey, what do you want? What do you wanna eat? What do you wanna do today? And just kind of making his final days and final moments joyful? And so I kinda did that with my mom too. She loved Arby’s especially during Lent. They had, like, the fish sandwich and and she loved their fries. So what do you think we did on Fridays? It was, like, We had to go get the fish sandwich. And it was really good, but just to see her enjoy eating it. Is it the healthiest thing? No. But who cares? Because the following day, it was like, mom, what do you wanna eat? I mean, she the woman was barely eating.
Mhmm. Just like I want a fish sandwich. Great. Texas Sifter. Pick up a fish sandwich.
I’m your way here.
Victoria Volk: So when she decided to stop treatment, did she start to feel like she could actually, like, live life a little bit?
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Because it was leukemia. I mean, she didn’t have a whole lot of time from the time that she decided. So it was literally like within seven days. We had a meeting on a Friday night knowing that come monday, mom, you gotta get platelets. Because it would give her a little bit of extra time. And actually, I might be getting my dates all messed up because I know she ended up in the hospital on Sunday night. So I remember it was just like, we’re gonna get you platelets before we, like, sign papers for that because it would give her a couple of days. And, I mean, leukemia can be a really an ugly death, and we are so fortunate that my mother she just stopped breathing. So it really wasn’t that much time. But she did end up in the hospital and she was like, I want it, I’m done. And so because she was in the hospital and she was saying, I’m done, she also can’t stay in the hospital because basically she was refusing care.
Victoria Volk: Right.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: So she got discharged to a hospice facility. And I gotta tell you, like, every step of the way, the people who picked her up in the ambulance, they were so amazing. This isn’t like this male and female, and they were kind of bickering back and forth. It was really kind of funny. I mean, it was just perfect for my mom. I was like, alright. And one of my sisters went with them and the hospice place was just absolutely it was a beautiful facility. Just a lovely room. It was just really nice just to be there with her.
Victoria Volk: I love that. I love that you had that experience with her and that you were able to, as a family, too,
Laurie-Ann Murabito: so many miracles happened. Oh, yeah. That’s
Victoria Volk: fair to share.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yes. One of my sisters hadn’t seen or spoken to my dad in, I’m gonna say, fifteen years. This is the nurse’s sister. She also wasn’t even around for my mom for fifteen years, but when it came time that my mother needed that, my sister stepped right up to the point, she was there. Many sleepless nights, she stayed at, she just stayed at my mom’s house at her apartment. So in my mom’s passing, my sister and dad, I wouldn’t say that they I don’t know if they I don’t know what’s going on now, but I can say tell you that they were together looking at pictures and talking. And so that was beautiful. She brought all four of us together. It was nice that, like, we would, like, have relationships with this one and, like, that one and those two over there. But to bring us, like, all together. I mean, staying at my sister’s house, I was like, great. This is like a sorority house now. It was a lot of fun and it was a lot of laughs at the same time. So she’s done. In her passing, did some really amazing things. And we have now adopted our aunt, her sister, as our new mom, because she only had one daughter. So she’s like, now I got four more. Oh. Yeah. It was really it can be beautiful. So you are always talking about let’s do grief differently. People I just want you get to decide what it looks like. It doesn’t have to be what we’re taught, what we see on TV, that it’s this absolutely devastating thing. I mean, we just had Mother’s Day. I got a few people who sent me text messages concerned because it was the first mother’s day, but I didn’t my mother lived in Ohio. So I didn’t really see her on Mother’s Day, at least for the past six years, six or seven years. So it wasn’t that bad.
Victoria Volk: And I have a confession. I did not. I did not message you. And I know. And it didn’t even and, like, here I am. I’m, like, the grief specialist and I didn’t even message you. Like, I’m so sorry.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Don’t be.
Victoria Volk: I’m sure you didn’t think anything. I’m sure you didn’t think anything of it.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: No. But Two people who sent me messages that were just like, Oh, what? That’s nice. Oh. And I was just like, I’m doing well.
Thank you. Yeah. It can be a beautiful experience, but you gotta decide. How do you wanna look back on it?
Victoria Volk: How do you wanna look back on it? It’s almost like this foreshadowing. Like, you have to almost four and I have a friend that she kinda she says that a lot. Like, she almost lives her life with this foreshadowing perspective. Like, she kinda, like, plays out a scenario to the end.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Nice.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. And she, like, foreshadowed, like, okay. So how do I want the ending to be? How do I get the ending to be, how I want it to be? And part of that can be some control. Right? Like, you wanna control the outcome that, but at the same time, it’s like I think it’s just discerning for yourself and having some thoughtful contemplation, really. And some intention. Like, you’re bringing intention into how you move forward by playing out different scenarios. Playing it out to the end.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yeah.
Victoria Volk: So I think when it comes to death and dying, especially for people who know it’s coming. It doesn’t feel like a gift at the time, but it truly is. Because you have the gift of knowing that it’s coming. Whereas, like you said, if it’s a tragic accident or something that’s sudden. It’s like you get hit by a truck yourself, you could can feel that way. And then you have all these regrets because, oh, I never told them I love them. And actually, I was just talking to someone not that long ago. It was a family member actually. I was there in the morning and so the family members were leaving and the husband was going off to work and the sun to school and the wife was working from home that day and and and I was saying goodbye, love you to is my family members and my sister-in-law, she was like, oh, great. So now you’re gonna show me up. Like, because they don’t have that kind of dynamic. They don’t communicate that on a daily basis, whereas in my house, every day, we’re telling each other, we love each other, and goodbye, and good morning, and good night. Like, even my kids are gone, I’m texting them, can I love you? Or, so it’s almost a daily. And I just said, you don’t know if you’ll get a chance later.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: You don’t.
Victoria Volk: And we often just don’t think about that. We just we go about our day-to-day and we just think that tomorrow is guaranteed or that we can say it later or what have you. But I think if there’s any message here in this conversation today, it’s that you get to choose what today looks like.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: And what you do with today and you also get to choose on if you have your regret or not.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yeah. Choice. We all have choice.
Victoria Volk: Yeah.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: And it can be just something so different.
Victoria Volk: And it does it have to take someone getting a cancer diagnosis or someone getting a terminal illness or someone having that tragic accident that’s unexpected for us to, like, reflect on our lives and how do I wanna show up now? And just how you said, circling back to when your husband passed away, it’s like, you ask yourself these big questions. Like, you were 36. Like, there wasn’t a where there are a lot of resources for a young widow even at that time. I mean, that’s I hear that now, like, young widows or it’s difficult being a young widow.
Victoria Volk: It was very difficult. I found one group, but there was something that the social worker who was running it said and it didn’t sit with me well. And I walked out and I had gone with a friend of mine because I actually had two friends who lost their husbands in their twenties. So I had two young friends who were also young widows. Sort of navigating life also. And I walked out and I remember, like, asking one of them, did she really say and she’s like, uh-huh. I was like, yeah, I’m never going back there. So I never found my husband was paralyzed from an operation. And brought him out to California for this operation for somebody because he was just he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. So we ended up being paralyzed And I mentioned something about that. And she made some sort of comment, like, you married him even though he was paralyzed. Yeah. Yeah. Like that look. They’re just like yeah.
It’s kinda like what happens when you really love somebody. Like, it didn’t matter to me. Yeah. He ended up in a wheelchair. It was the his last operation paralyzed him.
Victoria Volk: Wow.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yeah. So that was why I didn’t go back. So I had to navigate it by myself because there’s a lot of grief groups with, like, you walk in and everybody’s, like, in their seventies. Mhmm. It’s like, oop. I don’t really fit here. Yeah.
Victoria Volk: And it isn’t common that you had actually two friends that had experienced that.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Right.
Victoria Volk: what a blessing that was —
Laurie-Ann Murabito: It was a huge blessing. Yeah. Because they both kinda shared their experience with me and what they did and what not to do. Yes. I got a couple of whatnots to do afterwards. Yeah.
VictoriaVolk: What have you found or discovered about yourself in how you wanna move forward in speeches, in working with clients, like, now you it’s like you have all this just more experience, right, behind your belt and
Laurie-Ann Murabito: I think it’s too you have motivation to eliminate fear. Because like think back to some of those moments even just like ten years ago, if you’re listening to this, just reflect on something that you found fearful ten years ago, and you look back on it now. And you’re probably thinking to yourself because this is what I do at least. It’s like, what was I so afraid of? Let’s just take a difficult conversation. That fear of having that difficult conversation. And then you had it it’s just and then you have the conversation, and it’s so freeing. Mhmm. So I guess, like, my advice would be, like like, what would happen if you eliminated fear? So with my clients, like, they are telling their story. They are sharing their solutions so that they can grow their business have a bigger impact, help more people. But it’s always like, I know you’re afraid of being judged You’re afraid to hit that go live button. You’re afraid to send that email to that meeting planner. But what if we eliminate fear? Like, what would be possible if fear was not in the way? And fear shows up in many different colors. Shows up as procrastination. As the oh, this is hard. I’ll do it later. I don’t know how to do this. What if I’m judged? What will people think? Fear shows up in so many different colors and costumes, if you will. So what would happen if you recognize fear and just made friends with fear. Interested it anyways. So that’s part of my work is helping people tell their story. Helping people just get out there and share their story because it’s it all starts with your first story. Your first speech, your first video. What would happen if we didn’t compare ourselves to where we were, to where we think we should be? That’s how I would say that that’s how this has changed me. And I’m and I know that there’s lots of stories that I’m gonna have from my mother’s passing. Right now is not the time to be sharing them. Certain stories, I guess. But I’m sure, like, there’s a lot of lessons that have come from the experience. I got the phone call, and we literally thought my mother was dying, like, the next day. And when I saw her, like, my sisters and I, like, all flew out there. And when we saw her, I was just like, oh my god. My mother’s meeting her maker, like, in a matter of hours. They changed an antibioticer and she, like, turned around.
I was like, keep this crow, this is a there was a roller coaster ride that I wanted to get off. We all did. It’s an emotional rollercoaster ride, but that’s okay.
Victoria Volk: As many challenges in life are. Right?
Laurie-Ann Murabito: That’s right.
Victoria Volk: So once you get to the end, eventually, you get to the end of the roller coaster. That’s right. There’s dips and valleys and kinks and it’s all part of the experience.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Of life. Yes. And that’s why your work is so important so that this doesn’t become a weight that people carry in their backpack for the rest of their lives. You help them lighten the load unpack that backpack, if you will.
Victoria Volk: I do and is one of the most rewarding things. It’s my full circle moment, I guess, so to speak. I’m sure we all have those full-circle moments. Did you always expect as a child that you would be helping people tell their stories? Or did you wanna be a journalist?
Or did you see yourself on stages?
Laurie-Ann: God, No. Or painfully shy girl. No. I was in healthcare.
Victoria: And you were?
Laurie-Ann: Yeah. I come from a healthcare, doing cardiac and vascular ultrasound testing.
Victoria: Really?
Laurie-Ann: Yep. So just one on one work with people.
Victoria Volk: Wow. So what did you wanna be though when you were a child when you.
Laurie-Ann: I did wanna be an actress. So there is that sort of, like, limelight. But again, I was really shy as it is. And it’s so funny how it’s like, as a speaker, you are entertaining people. But I’m entertaining them while they are learning something. So there’s a little bit of that I wanted to be an actress. Yeah. Good question.
Victoria Volk: I love this conversation. Is there anything else that you would like to share you feel is important to share?
Laurie-Ann: I feel like I have shared a lot but I guess I will just reiterate that you always have choice. You always have a choice on how you wanna react to something and how you want something to look and feel. So whether you’re going through illness or lost like your mom, like like I did that you get to look at it and decide how you want to define it. If it’s a sudden death that you weren’t expecting, like, from an ax I think you still can do the same thing is to decide what does this get to look like? How will this change me? Do I want it to change me? Moving forward,
Victoria Volk: How do I want it to change me. I like that. I like that rephrase. Yeah.
Laurie-Ann: Thank you.
Victoria Volk: Where can people find you?
Laurie-Ann: They can find me at my website is speakandstandout.com. And I also have a podcast called Be in Demand. And you can find me over on Instagram and LinkedIn, but all of that is like if you just go right to my website, that will have everything.
Victoria Volk: And I will throw in a shameless plug because you are my speaking coach, and you did help me write a speech, which I’ve yet to present, but it is something that I do look forward to. And I have been working on getting some speaking opportunities. And I have had some and also yeah. And to get on podcast too, that’s part of it as well. That’s speaking too. So thank you for all the work that you’ve done with me and how you’ve supported me, and I just so appreciate you.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: My pleasure because you are helping so many people. Thank you.
Victoria Volk: And Likewise.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Your work. Thank you.
Victoria Volk: Thank you. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, solo episode |
Tough Love | I Don’t Have Time To Work On Myself
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
May is Mental Health Awareness Month!
Taking mental health seriously and prioritizing it is the job of the individual. Even if you find yourself in a situation where you are forced to prioritize your mental health, that doesn’t necessarily equate to successful results. The effort you make, along with your intention, will create positive outcomes.
We can allow ourselves to become bogged down by grief in our lives, or we can take small, actionable steps every day that move us forward and create momentum for healing. This is precisely what we do through my program, Do Grief Differently.
There are ripples created from grief, which are often not pleasant. But there can also be really positive ripples that come from healing as well. When we are hungry, we eat. When we are thirsty, we drink. No matter what we are doing, we will make the time to eat or drink when our bodies need nourishment.
How is your body giving signals that it needs the support of the mind and spirit?
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
Thank you for tuning in to another episode of grieving voices. If you’ve been here before and if this is your first time listening, thank you for being here. Typically, this would be a guest feature episode of a nonprofit, which is what the theme was to be for 2023. However, I’ve run into some snags in getting some nonprofits scheduled. There is one nonprofit. I’m really excited to get on the podcast, but they are busy at this time. With legislative work, very important work. So I’ll just have to be patient, but it just brought to my mind, why am I putting myself in a box with this podcast? Why am I thinking I need to stick to some sort of theme or whatnot?
And so just yesterday, actually I was on a call with Mastermind I am in for public speaking. And it just occurred to me “Why don’t I just do what I want?” When I want, however, I want. So it seems like a no-brainer but I think I was trying to stick to some sort of process or some sort of regiment or something so that I maybe could stay focused but truthfully, that’s not really how my mind works. I personally love variety. I love surprises and not necessarily knowing what’s coming next. And so if you’re my people listening to this, you might be the same. And if you aren’t, I’m sorry. Sorry, not sorry.
So I think moving forward, not I think. I am moving forward with this podcast. Just putting out content that I feel inspired to share it. It might be “Q and A episode”. It might be like today’s episode, which is a brand-new type of episode. It might be “Where are they now episode” which I do have someone scheduled that later this month. I’m excited about that. It might be a nonprofit or a foundation organization. I am in the works on getting some of those scheduled, so be on the lookout for those. And I’m thinking I will reconnect with I had a lot of applications last year for this year’s podcast. But because I had changed the format, I had to let them know that I was changing the format. So I think I will reach out to those individuals as well and bring back some guest interviews. I get a lot of author submissions. And so I don’t necessarily need more author submissions but if you have a nonprofit organization or foundation or you’re just the person next door, you don’t have anything to sell, you don’t have anything special to put out in the world but you want to share your story. I really want to hear the stories of grievers who are like most of us we’re just the person next door.
And so I really encourage you to reach out to me. Fill out the form on my website. I am going to be updating it. So it’s not just about nonprofits. Yeah so look forward to maybe more of a variety show, grieving voices variety show, which what won’t change is that we’ll be talking about grief because no matter what the topic is, business or parenting or our health, grief is an aspect of it and plays a role in our lives and in all areas of our lives it affects all areas of our lives, financial, spiritual, you name it.
What Is Taking Priority In Your Life?
So this brings me to today’s episode which I’m calling Tough Love. Where people might say I don’t have time to work on myself. I actually had a conversation with someone not that long ago where this was you can say a valid reason. The person traveled a lot. They just were on the road a lot. They traveled. So how do you find the time amidst travel to work on yourself? You have a work day and then your jet setting, flying here and there and everywhere. And there aren’t I don’t know if there aren’t a lot of us who fly a lot for our careers or our jobs, but no matter if that’s you or not, I hear this a lot from people. I don’t have time to work on myself. I’ve got one, two, three, four, five kids. I’ve got a full-time job and a lot of moms who work outside of the house called. They come home and they do what’s called the second shift. Like I get it. I have three kids. They’re all teenagers. They weren’t always teenagers. They used they require a lot more of my time. And in fact, they were much younger when I had a full-time business. And they weren’t all in school.
And I think you just have to make it a priority. It’s like saying you don’t have time to eat or drink. You’re hungry but you don’t have time to eat. Well, you’re still gonna eat. And if you’re thirsty, you’re gonna get something to drink. Because if you don’t eat or you don’t drink, you’ll shrivel away. You will collapse. And so like saying you don’t have time to work on yourself is like saying you don’t have time to eat. And I just want you to think about that because we prioritize nourishing our bodies. But how many of us prioritize nourishing our hearts, nourishing our minds, and nourishing our spirits? I want you to think about that. This is like I said, this is my tough love episode. I won’t call it out as an excuse but you can draw your own conclusion. If you feel like it’s an excuse, I don’t know you. I don’t know your situation, people in particular, listening to this. And everyone’s situation is different. But we prioritize what is important to us and often we put ourselves last. We put our mental health last. We put our hearts last. We put our spiritual well-being last. And so what is taking priority in your life? What has become more important in your life? Think about that. Because if I had not done the work that I started doing five years before I actually did the really difficult work. I don’t think I would have even gotten to the point of doing the really difficult work.
The Work That I Do
It took me five years to slowly slowly, very slowly, rip off the band-aid. I really took my time with it. And in hindsight, I wish I would have known in 2014 what I learned in 2019 because had I known in 2014, what I found out in 2019, I wouldn’t have waited. I would have just ripped off the band-aid in 2014.
Because I was so much better at it. I was healthier in mind, body, and spirit for it. Of really doing the deep difficult hard inner work. I had a client say to me, “You know hear all the time people say you have to do the work”. And I was just frustrated with what’s the work? Nobody would really explain it. She said, “What is the work?” And after going through my program, Do Grief Differently, She’s like, “It clicked.” This is the work. This is the work. The work that we do in Do Grief Differently is the work. So if you’re ready to do the work and need some support and ripping off the band-aid in and loving supportive, handheld way, I encourage you to reach out to me and inquire about Do Grief Differently, the one-on-one program. Or I also offer a group program which is available also online. But sometimes we just need some tough love.
And I love challenging people and pushing people beyond what they think they’re capable of because I will tell you that you are capable of so much more and your life can feel so much more fulfilling and meaningful once you clear out the cobwebs like get rid of all the yuck and the stuff that’s boggling you down in your life and in your heart and in your spirit and in your mind. So you can see more clearly, so you can discern for yourself more effectively, so you can make healthier choices and decisions for yourself. You can trust yourself more, build your confidence, create boundaries that maybe you’ve never had or never knew you needed. There’s so many byproducts and benefits of doing the work and taking the time to work on yourself. Think of it as life or death, and you might make a different choice for yourself. That’s today’s episode in a nutshell.
P.S. And if you found it helpful which I hope you did, maybe insightful and maybe like a kick in the tooth to just look at your life and maybe make a change. Do something differently, do grief differently. I’m here to support you. Either through this podcast. If you’re not quite ready to dig deep or through many of the resources on my website there are a lot of free resources. And there’s always help and support out there if you look for it. May is mental health awareness month and make it a priority because it’s probably not just your life depending on it. You may have a spouse, you may have children, grandchildren, you may be a daughter, maybe a mother, or a friend. There are ripples that are created from grief. But there can also be really positive ripples that come from healing as well. So thank you so much for tuning in. If you like my new idea for this podcast of just making it a variety show, doing whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like and however I feel like, please share your thoughts. I’m doing this podcast for you my listeners. It’s not for my health, although I get so much joy out of it. So maybe it’s partially for my mental health too. Because I get great joy from feeling like someone listening to this is truly being helped and feeling supported. Again thank you for listening and until next time. Remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, much love.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Q&A, solo episode |
Q&A | How Can I Best Help My Child In Their Grief?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
When tragedy strikes or challenging times knock on a family’s door, the children involved can feel cast aside or as if they are an afterthought while the adults are experiencing their emotional crisis. However, it doesn’t have to be that way.
As adults become more knowledgeable about grief, learning new tools and new information, beliefs about grief and how to respond to it can change, too. As children’s adult caretakers/caregivers connect to their own grief and apply new knowledge and tools, they also learn new (and healthier) ways to cope with grief and loss.
Grief education begins at home and starts as early as a child having their blanket or pacifier taken away or losing a pet. This episode explores how our children can be better cared for in their grief.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
Grievers Tend To Isolate
I wanna start by saying reminding listeners if it’s been a while since you’ve heard my earliest episodes or if you haven’t listened to them yet, there are six myths of loss that I discussed in this podcast and my blog posts, and all sorts of places and they’re discussed heavily in the Do Grief Differently™️ program that I facilitate. And the six myths of loss are don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, be strong, keep busy, and time heals all wounds.
And I imagine that you’ve probably heard or had many of these taught to you as a child or that you do many of these things still today. When you are struggling in your grief or have a challenging time in your life, that’s causing grief. And the one thing that’s true is that grievers tend to isolate but it’s not natural because if you think about it, infants cry out when they hurt and we don’t isolate by nature, we isolate by training, by education, and by socialization. And we isolate because we are taught that we laugh together, but we cry alone. And so it doesn’t mean that we need to be surrounded by others 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And don’t get me wrong. I am someone that loves my solitude, and solitude is not bad.
Collecting one’s thoughts and feelings is not bad. For one am an internal processor of my emotions and my feelings and I need that time in private to do so. And if you know somebody who may be quick to anger or is maybe under a lot of stress. Maybe one thing you could ask them instead of becoming defensive is
“Hey, I see that you have been upset lately. I see that you have been angry lately.”
“Can I give you space?”
“Is that what you need? Do you need space?”
It’s kind of seeing the need before the other person really even realizes maybe what they need. But if you’re asking what that person needs or if that’s possibly what that person needs because maybe they are an internal processor of their feelings like myself. Space is exactly what they may need. But I think if you ask, what can I give you right now? That could help you or how can I best help you? And if one of those things is space, then to be respectful of that as well. Because not everybody wants to talk it out or even if they want to talk it out, maybe they’re just not ready. Or maybe you’re not a safe paint person to do that with. But we isolate because we are taught many of these different myths that I just mentioned.
How Can I Best Help My Child In Their Grief?
There is a normal and natural need to keep our own council away from others and away from busy activity and sometimes you just need to go into the bathroom and close the door and have a good cry. But the question this week is about how do I help my child in their grief? But I’m starting this episode this way because I want you to see and maybe recognize how you are responding to your own grief because if you listen to the first part of this, you heard me say, we isolate by training, by education, and by socialization. And so if as a parent or a caregiver or caretaker of a child who is grieving, who’s going through a really difficult time but doesn’t have the language, to articulate what they’re experiencing or what they’re feeling or if you assume that because they are not exhibiting behavior issues or they’re not, they’re being a good child, air quotes, good child, that they’re not struggling. You’re doing that child also a disservice because it could just be how they’re coping. It could be because every time they try to share how they’re feeling, they get a negative response.
What if our children learned different beliefs about grief?
So what if our children learned different beliefs about grief? And how to respond to it. Do you believe that that might produce better results for them in their life? Maybe even as an adult because they would have learned different ways to cope, more healthy, positive ways to cope with their grief as an adult, which in turn impacts their children because if they have children and they’re responding to their child’s grief and to their own by what they know and what they were taught as kids that may not be healthy. It may be more like those STERBS that are in one of the earlier episodes. I talk all about STERBS, the short-term energy-relieving behaviors, the gambling, the shopping, alcohol, drugs, whatever it is that people resort to feel better for a short period of time. You can see we’re learning new behaviors. Learning new ways to cope can have not only short-term but long-term benefits for children who have been raised with better beliefs about dealing with loss.
The Importance of Teaching Our Children About Grief Recovery
There was doctoral research that was done comparing children who experienced the death of a family member. And one group was made up of children whose parents or guardians had substantial awareness of the principles of grief recovery, which you can find in the grief recovery handbook, which I will link in the show notes but the second group had no knowledge of the book or any of its principles or recommended actions. The essential difference between the two sets of parents or guardians was this. One group was helped to look at their own beliefs about dealing with loss. And while the other group was not. As a direct result of looking at and adjusting their own beliefs, those parents and guardians passed on better skills and ideas to the children in their care. The children in this first relatively enlightened group made much better transitions in the area of communicating about sad, painful, or negative feelings. They can talk safely and accurately about feeling sad, then move on to other feelings. Individuals in this group do not perceive themselves to be defective when they are sad. And over time, their bond of trust with their parents and their openness about their feelings remained steadfast. This group includes children who ranged in age from four to eight when the major loss occurred in their lives.
And they have sustained positive lessons learned as the result of their parents or guardians, acquiring information about dealing more effectively with loss. Others in this study who were eight or nine when their loss occurred that were then teenagers feel incredibly safe in talking about or hearing others talk about loss. And in addition, they’re very helpful to friends who are dealing with loss. Keep in mind that what you believe is what you teach. So if you acquire more effective information about dealing with loss you will be a better teacher. And your children will be the automatic beneficiaries.
I know a lot of the people that I’ve worked with through grief recovery, who are also parents, realize a lot of ways in which they feel they failed their children just because they didn’t know the lessons and these things that they are taught through grief recovery and in my program Do Grief Differently™️. And even personally myself, like learning this information for the first time caused me a lot of grief because I can’t take back the clock. I can’t go back in time and fix how I was responding to the stressors and the grief in my life and that of my children because I simply did not know. I did not know then what I know now.
You Can Make A Change
And so if you’re hearing this information and you’ve taken part in grief recovery or if you haven’t read the book, A Grief Recovery Handbook or you listen to my previous episodes and you think “Oh my gosh, I’ve screwed up my kids or I am screwing up my kids.” I want you to be gentle with yourself and realize “yes you can’t turn back time but you can make a conscious effort and change moving forward.” You can decide to arm yourself with better knowledge, with better information, and a part of that may require you to look at your own bosses. And it helps you to connect the dots of the patterns that you’ve repeated throughout your life so that you don’t repeat those patterns and pass those patterns on to your kids. It’s often why we see so many parents who struggle with substance abuse disorder or alcoholism, who have children that struggle in the same way or in a similar way. And maybe it’s not alcohol, maybe it’s a different vice. But if we can understand and learn more helpful information and how to address our own grief. Our children are better off for it. And so my response to the person that asked me this question was to learn to be open to learning new information. Be open to learning about yourself because that’s how you integrate this new information and apply it to your own life.
And when you start applying this information to your own life, you show up differently in the lives of your kids. And so I just want to encourage anyone out there who has children or is a caretaker of children who is grieving or struggling in grief. As I can tell you, when I was a kid grieving, nobody knew what to do. Nobody had a clue, but there wasn’t anyone that I could talk to. Or anyone that was a safe person because, frankly, they weren’t comfortable talking about their own sad stuff. I mean that’s the point of it is that if we can start getting comfortable with talking about our feelings, Our kids will get comfortable talking about their feelings but you often have to go first as the adult. You do have to go first because if you’re not going to share and you’re not going to be vulnerable with your child, how do you expect them to be vulnerable with you?
P.S. I just want to encourage you to be open to new tools and new knowledge. Seek it out you can go to my website, www.theunleashedheart.com. Check out the book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. And better yet go through my program, Do Grief Differently™️, or a Group Program, specifically for grief that I also offer online and in person and address the stuff on your own doorstep. Because once you clear that life is just that much sweeter.
And you can create connected relationships, not only with your children but with other people in your life as well. I hope you found it helpful. And if you did I hope you share it or leave a review.
Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, Suicide, Where Are They Now? |
Quandell Wright | Where Are They Now?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Quandell’s first episode was Ep. 28 | The Scars of Abuse, Poverty, and Shame, recorded in October 2020 and went live on January 5th, 2021.
Listening to Quandell’s first episode is recommended to appreciate where Quandell was and how far he’s come in his life.
He asks one question in this episode: “How do you grieve?” It’s a question we all would benefit from reflecting upon and recognizing where we may need additional support or accountability for moving forward.
Personal development and life transformation is a marathon, not a sprint. In this first “Where Are They Now” episode, Quandell shares how his life has changed in the two and a half years since we first spoke.
In the words of Quandell: “You never know if the best is yet to come. What if you looked at life this way?”
Just breathe…
RESOURCES:
CONNECT :
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️i. My 12-week in-person or online program helps Grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better, and Do Grief Differently™️. You learn new tools, education, and a method you can utilize the rest of your life. In this program. And with my guidance, you remove the pain of grief, the sadness will always be there because even in complicated relationships we love but it’s the pain of grief that keeps us stuck. Are you ready to do grief differently? Check out my website wwwtheunleashedheart.com to learn more.
Victoria Volk 0:00
Welcome to grieving voices today is a Where are they now episode and I would like to reintroduce you to an old friend of mine, who I’ve been following ever since we first talked and I’m excited to share where he’s been, because this is me learning for the first time to just what his updates are. But I’ve been following him online. And I know he’s been doing some amazing things. So I’m excited for him to share more about that. But first, Q Quandell I call you Q. Please reintroduce yourself to those who may be listening to this for the first time. Just tell us who you are.
Quandell Wright 0:45
Okay, cool. Hey, how you doing? My name is Quandell Wright I’m a I’m the founder, fashion designer of William Palmer. I’m based out of Detroit, Michigan. So that’s why.
Victoria Volk 0:55
I love it. And we first talked I actually looked it up just to make sure I get it right, because your first episode is episode 28. And it was published January 5 2021. So here we are, over two years later. Isn’t that crazy?
Quandell Wright 1:00
I know. Right?
Victoria Volk 1:04
And but we initially talked October 22 2020. And at the time you had been going through, or you had just finished something like that. It was around that time you were working with me in Grief Recovery. Yeah. And I imagine a lot has changed for me in that time. But I imagine so much has changed for you too. And yeah. So I suggest for those who haven’t listened to Episode 28, start there, because this one will make it’ll just be the icing on the cake. This episode is like that. Yeah. So listen to that one first, come back to this one. So please, share with me, what’s all changed for you since then?
Quandell Wright 2:06
Oh, a lot. Um, I mean, my, my spirit, you know, definitely, you know, start from there. I had a rough that was a rough year for me, every level you could probably think of, um, but, you know, my, my brand, like my career and everything that I’m doing a lot of things is elevated. And so it’s been it’s been a journey for sure. It’s been a journey. So from that time to now it’s been a lot of like recovery, a lot of growth. A lot of, you know, of course ups, you know, ups and downs, you know, that that comes with life. But overall, like, it’s been, it’s been great. It’s been an experience, you know, I want to kind of day ranch in 2020. That was a Yeah. So fast forward to now with that information, I’m actually kind of connected with the guy that designed Kanye footwear. So yeah, so that’s, that’s really, really dope, collaborating with Baron Davis, the former former former NBA player, and I’ve been working with Gary Payton as well. It’s been really nice. It’s been nice. It’s been nice. So but other than that, like my spirit, just the way that I look at life from a different perspective, controlling my emotions and know how to get out of certain spaces when I need to take in my time grieving when I need to knowing how to grieve, you know, because life still carry on and things still happen. You know, I lost a couple more people throughout the years and things like that. So just kind of learn it and just, you know, learn it from what you taught me about about grieving and everything like that helped me a lot with it, and helped me help others with the grieving process as well. So it’s been a journey and it’s been great. So that’s for now I am. I am happy.
Victoria Volk 4:03
I’m loving hearing that. Absolutely. Especially how you mentioned your spirit, like you feel healthier and your spirit.
Quandell Wright 4:11
Definitely feel healthy and my spirit and, and physically, I’ve been going to the gym like crazy. I lost about overall I lost almost about 20 pounds. So I’m 16 pounds away from my go. Yes, thank you and I’m a gym rat now like, I have to be in there. I’m in there almost every day of the week. If it’s not then you know, too heavy. I’m doing something like but I made sure I get in gym and I get into Gemini. I release you know, I release stress, whatever and it really helps you know, eating better. Intermittent fasting has been great for me. You know, I’ve been able to clear my mind and yeah, it’s been good. It’s been good. So far, so good. It’s been good.
Victoria Volk 4:55
And so at the time to you, we’re just really getting going on Disney shirt designs and things like that out of your garage. Right? And so how has that changed? Like what are you doing now in that line of business there since that’s been the huge biggest shift elevation?
Quandell Wright 5:13
Yeah, exactly. Um you know I’m still into like the apparel of course, but now I kind of shift a shifted more towards accessory so are we least like this handbag, the pyramid handbag and that kind of like just took me off like not a just like, oh, you’re a purse guy. Like they don’t even remember the polls at all. Yeah. But it’s great. It’s great. Just been in the public eye. People taking selfies with me getting invited to places is really though, is a huge change. Yeah, so I’m getting.
Victoria Volk 5:47
I want to celebrate you for a minute too, because I was looking through your Instagram. And there was a Grammy winner. Yeah, correct. Yes. Who sported your purse? Yeah. Can you share about that?
Quandell Wright 6:01
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, Mr. Ryan, he’s actually a writer for oh, what is the name of that show? I forgot. Last is it last week? Last week, last week. Thursday is a show but he’s, he’s a writer for I think his name is John Oliver. I think he wrote for him for that show. He was a co writer. And a friend of mine is actually she is her name is Stephanie. She is the fashion coordinator for William Palmer. The style is of Mr. Ryan contacted her because she knew that she was affiliated with me somehow. And she contact me like, hey, this style is need to talk to you. They want to pull a few bags. And I’m like, sure, you know, and the stylists came over. We got connected. She came over and she was like, Yeah, you heard John Oliver. I was like, Yeah, you know that. She was like, Yeah, well, you know, Mr. Ryan, you know, he right with him. And he would like to wear your bag on the red carpet. I didn’t. He’s like what? And I had all these. Luckily, I had some bags here in my studio. And I was like, well, whatever you like, whatever you can do take. They took a few bags, they ended up you know, sending me a payment. I wasn’t even expecting to get paid for it. I would just assign it to have someone just sport it, you know, but he paid for their bag. He paid for the bag and I still ended up gifting one to him or whatever. And um, the next thing I know he wore it I think they had like a preemies it’s like it’s like me like red carpet before the actual Emmys but he were both bags for both days. And I was just really excited about it. And it was just a great experience to be put in that space and knowing like yo like I’m actually more out there than I think I am because I still just walk around like a normal person and people like oh, you will your bomber your him you know what I say him? You’re him. You’re the purse guy. Like Yeah, can I get a selfie? Can I get so it’s a great experience is really no I love it. But that was a that was really good though. That was really though, and I appreciate Mr. Ryan for that. So he’s still where he posts a picture with you know, one of his bags and one of his outfits. I love it. I love to see that so,
Victoria Volk 8:18
I just wanted to celebrate you for a moment there because that is so exciting. I’m just I think back to so many of those early conversations and and how low that we can feel in our lives you know you feel like you’re at rock bottom and I know your backstory and to just see you flourish now just these are the stories I love it’s it the Triumph stories right the comeback kid the you know you’re kidding me of someone who just kept with it and just stuck with it and never gave up on your dreams and your goals and and how is the shift with shifted things with your family?
Quandell Wright 9:01
Um, it’s you know, I’ve learned to how I want to put this I learned to like just be okay with certain things we can’t control everything family I mean everybody is well you know we we functioning better you know, I will say that we okay but um you know, I’m working I’m just learning how to stay in my space stay respectful try my best to keep peace and the same as on you know, her side as well. We try to understand and things like that but other than that the kids is great. The situation is a little bit better. You know, we could kind of like bump heads here and there. But you know, for the most part is way better than what it was before. So, as time go on, I believe that it can become better. I believe that but in the meantime, you know I’m working. I’m in my space she’s wearing gives us the airspace, the kids, they do and everything and sports and, you know, relationship, there’s all types of stuff going on with them. But you know, we are supportive, we are a great supportive family for one another. And, you know, we’re just doing our best we’re doing the best we possibly can. But it’s way better. It is is way better. So that’s a good thing.
Victoria Volk 10:21
Well, and like you said, you only have control over yourself. And so drawing a circle around your feet and focusing on becoming better for for yourself, you in turn become better for your family, too. And so, I love that things have improved in that area as well of your life. How would you describe the queue that you talked that talk to me? Two plus years ago? And how would you describe yourself today.
Quandell Wright 10:57
Um, the cute two years ago was very, was very, like, hurt, in dealing with past hurt and present hurt. So that’s a lot of hurt at that time. Very hitting, you know, per se, just trying to stay out of the way. angry, very angry. felt misunderstood. And then understand a lot of things. So it was just a lot of this trying to figure out how to handle things, you know, I’m saying because we think life is this way, but then you get this curveball, but life is actually this way. But how can I make life this way? So is this you know, it just always this and what I had to realize is that life dude, throw curveballs here and there. And it’s actually lessons, you know, so the cue now is more understanding more something. Very, very, um, I listened more now, you know, I was more defensive than and I can be a little defensive steal a little bit, but I’m learning to just like just hush and just receive the information. And then now, you know, with that, I can, you know, put out the information I want to put out, you know, because sometimes if we just sit there and receive the information clearly, and really comprehend it, it might not the situation might not even be about you for one, or you know, I’m saying whatever the case might be, but you have to listen to understand what’s going on. And what I had to understand is that a lot of people paying is not really paying, they have flipped it on you, it already has nothing to do with you at all, it just a lot of just, I want to put it like this. A lady might bump you in a grocery store, and you might blow up at her, right? That frustration wasn’t really for her. But she was the one that kind of shut the bottle to make you explode. Everything else, they had nothing to do with her. But it would just that moment, they just trigger that emotion. Like, that was the last little thing that just helped you like just release and just blow up at her. And she looking like whoa, this lady hate people. But it’s not that it’s just that you’ve been bottling, so much pain from your past, and situations in your present time. And you’re trying to just keep this bad day or keep this capsule as hard as possible. But this lady, this bumped you just a little bit with her basket. And now you just like, because that was like just everything right? So I had to understand that a lot of stuff that people throw at you is not really meant for you in the first place. It just at that moment, you just trigger a nerve, you just trigger some type of circuit emotional circuit that they you know, we all have, and I’m just that person that they see at that moment. But a lot of pain is not for you. So I had to learn that. And I do accept that. Because sometimes some people don’t understand that I like but okay, that’s not meant for me. I know that you had a lot of stuff going on. And that’s stuff that you have to grieve about and learn how to like, kind of like, fix that yourself. So I know that’s not meant for me. So I can’t take that. You know, I’m saying and be like, Oh, that was for me. And now I’m doing the same to you because it never stops. If that keeps happening. You’re not fixing anything, you’re not fixing the problem. You’re not coming up with a solution and you’re not fixing ourselves. So it’s just toxic. You know, I’m saying like energy all day long. But the reality is, you didn’t cause the pain that I have. Anyway, you know, I’m saying like, so I had to learn it. I had to learn it. So she’s getting better with self expression or so too. And I am too in a way so yeah, listening is key.
Victoria Volk 15:00
Well, it sounds like you’re listening to hear not listening to respond. And that is the difference, right? It’s called active listening. Yeah. And it brings me back to what I talk about because you speak in my language with the tea kettle, the analogy we use in Grief Recovery is you know, the tea kettle, we either implode or explode. Remember that
Quandell Wright 15:20
Exactly, exactly what you’re describing, as Yeah, remember that? Yeah, it’s true. It’s true. grieving and like grieving is easier said than done. Honestly, and I’m listening to, to not respond. is easier said than done. That is a very hard task for someone to sit there and let someone just express how they feel about nobody likes to hear like the raw feelings about their selves, because you already think want you already think stuff about yourself anyway, I don’t care who you are, you already have some self. Some self thoughts about you, like, Oh, I feel this way. And I’m overweight and stuff like so somebody’s telling you like, yeah, I have a problem that you’ve been overweight, you’re gonna get upset, like what I am trying, I am walking like you’re not let them you know, you’re not you’re defensive. Now, you know, in this lesson, because the next sentence may be like, No, you’re overweight. But I do see you trying, you will never hear that part. Because you already just jumped the gun because you hurt. I don’t like how you’re overweight. And you’re like, hey, look, I’ve been trying, I’ve been walking, you see me getting up, you see, whoop. And this person, like, I don’t even want to talk anymore, because you can’t even let me talk. And I was the whole. No, I was not you picking not? You know, now you like, Well, when I was trying to talk, you know, and it never stops. But you don’t know that that next sentence possibly was agreeing with you like, No, I don’t like how you’re, you know, you overweight a little bit. But I do see you trying. And I love that. And I have a few solutions, but we never get to the good part, because we hear the bad part. And we blow up and begin ffensive. So listening, and not responding is very good. It does. Yeah, it’s very good. Um, I’m not perfect, but it’s good.
Victoria Volk 17:09
It’s almost like when you have purchases that are sitting in your cart, or you know, shopping is one of the STERBS, right, the short term energy relieving behaviors. And so the recommendation, I’ve heard this not that long ago, wait five days, just wait five days, have it in your cart, and just wait five days. And after five days, if you still think you can’t live without it, at least you’ve let five days pass and you’ve sat with it, right? It’s almost like maybe wait five hours before you respond after someone shares something with you. And it’s okay to say, Hey, I just need to walk away. And I need to think about this. And I don’t want to say something that I will regret later, I want to really give a thoughtful response. And so, you know, can we put a pin in this conversation and come back to it when I’m not emotional? Right? Right. That’s part of emotional regulation is knowing when we’ve met our, our capacity to, to articulate ourselves clearly and to also hear clearly as well to write. Alright, let me ask you this, what is something that you would tell somebody who may be you two years ago? And are listening to you today? Like what do you think has been, maybe it’s been multiple things, what has helped you the most to, like, maintain, and to keep on this track of growth and development and
Quandell Wright 18:40
I’m brief, brief, I had to like sit down one day, like in a quiet space, and just breathe and look at the reality of a lot of things like life is really what we make it, a lot of the situations that we are in, is because of decisions that we made. And if you make important decisions, you get poor results. So I had to sit back and just look like okay, I’m behind on bills, because because of me because I actually pay for something else and thought I was able to come back and pay for that. But I should have just paid my bill first, I will never shut off simple decisions like that will fix a lot of stuff in our lives. Like okay, this bill come in, I’m gonna take care of that right now. I’m gonna just get it out of the way. So whatever else that I want. I could get that whenever I want. But take care of this bill first, I can’t afford anything to get shot off. You know, so I feel like we cause a lot of disrupt like disruption in our lives with our decision making, just breathe and just kind of just look at life from a different perspective. You know, I’m saying is really is really easier than we think it is. Life is really easier than we think it is. It’s really based off what we do and how we handle situations. I mean, like, I mean things happen, because that’s the life that just one happens. But I think we have a little bit more control than anybody say that we do. I really believe that like, if I go outside and throw rocks at cars, I’m going to jail like it’s, you know, like, I can’t like that was an important decision. But if I go outside and help somebody that was in a car accident or something like that, I mean, a good word might come out of it there or later on in life, or just, it might not never come, but you did a good deed, you made a good decision. And good things happen when you do good things. And bad things happen when you do bad things. I’m all about energy and frequency as well. I feel like if you, you have a chance to change, you know, a guy that robbed like 17 banks, he probably would have got away at a 16 bank robbery if he really stopped, but he didn’t. So he got arrested on the 17th one, and he like, ah, oh, my God, I shouldn’t. But I mean, you know, like your frequency have to change. If you if your fingers see the same, you want to get the same results, you want to get the outcome that you’re not going to like or you can’t handle. So people have time to change, you do have time to change your frequency is a lot of people in the world as walking around that we can only imagine what they’ve done in a life, they probably don’t know worst of the worst that we could ever imagine. Right? But they frequency change. And they live in life. Now they knew when to stop. And I know like when I say this to certain people they by Well, I mean eventually karma. And I’m like, Well, I believe the universe is neutral. And I do believe a karma and as such, but if you’re Frank or sea change, you won’t have to worry about that type of karma in a sense. So yeah, it only the bad results only happens if you keep going. You know, I’m saying so if you always depressed, that’s what I’ll say I don’t. I said I’m depressed. I stopped saying that a long time. I’d be like, Look, I’m fine. I’m going to be okay. I’m okay. This would be the storm will pass. Because of you the subconscious mind. I know the difference. So if you I’m depressed, I’m upset. I’m sad. You’re building that space for yourself. And that’s how you’re going to feel you’re going to be more low every day, low vibrations every day. But even through bad situations, I’d be like, I’m fine. I figured out not dying. You know, I’m gonna be okay. If it don’t work out the way that I think it should. It’s okay, how do they want to come I can’t the whale and live in that space at this moment. It’d be Oh,
Victoria Volk 22:43
I remember when we first talked you kind of you were just dabbling in talk started, you know, or you’re just kind of dabbling into metal you were dabbling into meditation. And you’re you were thinking more along those lines of frequency and energy. And, and I at that time, I was I had just, I was a Reiki Master. But I’ve since added biofield tuning, which uses tuning forks and addresses our energy field that’s outside our body and I’ve added stuff to my energy healing work too. And, and so when you speak to that stuff, I get really excited because
Quandell Wright 23:17
Because it’s real. Yeah. It’s real is real for anybody that’s listening, please. I know. Dr. Joe Dispenza. Dispenza Yep. The guy’s top tier. The becoming supernatural was like my favorite book. It’s very deep, get chills reading it, real testimonies. And he showed his show you how to channel your energy and chuck is just so deep he is. He is a great guy. I would love to go one of his his workshops. I’m trying to get the money because it’s expensive, but it’s very, very worth it. I really want to go but I mean, the guy’s amazing. Just kind of follow him on Instagram and seeing the work that he put in he he’s definitely like a great, a great person, I can tell that but please anybody that’s like really interested in becoming more spiritual. Please check him out. Dr. Joe Dispenza is a great great, a great author, great doctor, like he’s, he’s phenomenal. Like, I recommend that book to anybody that’s going through and you don’t even have to be a spiritual, you know, Christian or whatever. Religion is still a great read because we all have to, we all have energy, we all have aura, so is very great. It’s not about religion, or anything like that. It’s really about self. So it’s really a great book is really a great read.
Victoria Volk 24:38
And for anyone who doesn’t know Dr. Joe Dispenza was actually told he would never walk again after he broke his back during a bicycling accident. And with the power of his own mind and his own thoughts, he helped to heal himself. Yeah. And so that’s what his work is based on. He’s actually doing a lot of research at his During his workshops, is week long workshops, he’s conducting research on meditation and how long to meditate and, you know, like, they’re doing research right now during their workshops. And so
Quandell Wright 25:14
Just check into that. Make sure
Victoria Volk 25:20
I saw you was going to be in Tulum, Mexico, I actually just got his workshop notification for Tulum, Mexico, but you’ll get there. I’ve no doubt you’ll get there. Put that forward.
Quandell Wright 25:31
Yeah, we definitely have to go. I think that’s, that’d be a great experiment is well, like, I love his book, I listened to the YouTube minute, you know, the meditations that he had the guidance, great guy, great guy. But yeah, we all make a human. If we tap in, we can heal ourselves. We can. The testimonies in that book are phenomenal. I mean, people heal on a cell from cancer, I mean, Zima, like, whatever, they really just happening with their inner self, their higher self, and really like figuring out the body, the body already held us up automatically, when we really, really tap into it, you can really get some stuff done. Ms. V is right, he did heal his self, he discharges. So from the hospital, he hid this stuff at home. So he’s amazing.
Victoria Volk 26:19
Speaking of good deeds, which you mentioned earlier, I’m curious myself, but at the time when we first started talking, you are inviting young men into your home. Yeah, almost a weekly basis just for moms, giving them a space that you could create community and have a safe space for them to talk about their feelings. Yeah, and all of that, or is that something you have come back to? Are you still doing that? Is it something you want to do? Again?
Quandell Wright 26:50
Yeah, yeah, I want to do it. Again, I’m trying to make it a nonprofit organization. And it’s actually called us, us men. So it’s on Instagram is us_mensociety. I don’t have a lot of push right now. Because my brand is like going crazy. But I am trying to, like, get back into that. And that was a really, really dope experience. Like, it wasn’t really like, I didn’t have it to where it was like a, like AAA meetings or anything like that, you know, we had the TV go on video games at FIU. It was just no phones, some beers. And we thought it would just regular conversation. And people share stories, you know, and I always say, like, you don’t have to share the deepest, we’re not here for that. We just really want people to feel like this is a safe space, even if you don’t say none that all along because you know, it feel like real good energy around you. And it’s people that you can talk to whenever you want to, you know, that’s more than enough. And people really, like it’s a lot of men out here that have to heal, like we don’t know where to go, there’s no know where to start. So I want to start it back up, for sure. I will love like, I would love to like rent out spaces or to have a bigger, you know, bigger space and have more men come and we could just converse and just talk about our feelings and testimonies or whatever the case might be for that, you know, so yeah, please call us man, I will be like, selling T shirts and all that, you know, selling to raise money. So we can so I can be able to have resources and brain resources to them as well. Because I know it’s not a lot of programs for men out here, or mental health, for that matter for anybody. Because everybody think medicine fix everything is not, you know, medicine don’t fix everything. It’s just a band aid. But we really need some like internal healing, you know, and sometimes it might just take a hug or like, No, I do care for you. You are enough. You know, you want to be okay, I’m here for you. That can be the cure. Some people have people out here who don’t care about the more they feel that way. But they need to hear that sometimes. And you don’t take the time to actually do that with people. So yeah, I just thought about all types are like great ideas like that for mental health for men and for everybody, for that matter. But um, yeah, I feel like a lot of men black and white man, he actually has, we have I believe you have the highest suicide rate right now as well. So, yeah, a lot of man feel feel alone, you know, because there’s so much teittleman in, like, man supposed to do this. And man, you know, we get that a lot, a lot a lot. And it’s like, Yo, I’m human, I just want to just be human for a day. You know, like, you know, like, what’s going on? Like, why we just watch us all the time. Like, can I just be I’d be pampered for once can I be a human today? Can I you know, I’m sad because I have feelings too. I do love I do care. You know, and I want people to do that for me, like love me and care for me as well. So, you know, to the men out there like there are a safe space. There are people that you can contact and talk to all the time and you’re not forgotten. You’re not You’re not overlooked. You know, it’s just society. Just got things twisted up, we’re gonna fix that we’re gonna figure it out.
Victoria Volk 30:04
And for anyone listening, men, white, black, whatever ethnicity you are. Q is obviously a wonderful inspiration. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for sharing about that in the work that you are hoping to do and hope to bring to your community. And yeah, just I love you. I love you. I love you.
Quandell Wright 30:27
I love you too. Happy. Yeah.
Victoria Volk 30:30
So looking forward to this conversation with you. Let me ask you this. And I’m biased, of course, because I’m love Grief Recovery. And I know that how it’s changed many people’s lives. But had you never done that? Have you ever thought about that, like, in the last two years? Like had you never experienced that or learned what you learned through that? The new tools and the new knowledge? Yeah. Have you ever reflected on that? Like, had you not had that experience?
Quandell Wright 31:00
Of course, of course. Um, yeah, it was definitely a huge impact for like, for where I’m at now. And I tell people about you all the time, you know, so I don’t know. Because so I thought I thought I was better, Dan, you know, because I come from a dark place before that time. And I’m like, I’m back here again. You know, it’s something I’m missing. But I just had to just, I had to realize, like, his life is life, like, you don’t matter, like how better we get life happens. And whatever that is, it just, it just happens. It just, I don’t know, a person that just went through life and nothing happened, like negative like, you know, it just doesn’t work that way. But the tools that you had gave me, it quit, you know, helped me quit was, is I still use to this day, like, because it’s true. And it’s real and been able to like, look at different light, just like Dr. Joe, you know, just been able to research and find people like him. And it’s another guy. He’s an artist, his name is line jurrell. He’s an artist. He’s like, so positive rap artists. And he’s very, very, very good. I’m gonna share some stuff with you. He have like, meditation, a playlist, like a meditation, like pay playlists, like from it’s a meditation for each for each chakra.
Victoria Volk 32:18
Chakra okay, yeah, I would love that.
Quandell Wright 32:21
And his music is beautiful. And I’m like, see, this is the music that needs to be on the radio positive energy, this is the music that need to be in your subconscious mind on a daily basis. So, you know, so without, without you definitely I would have it would have been worse for me for sure. And I really do appreciate you all, you know, for giving me your time and really taking the time to listen and really did a great assessment, you know, because anybody can just hear you. But everybody don’t listen to you. And that’s just that’s a difference. And you really didn’t listen to me. Give me a lot of tools. I still kind of journal to this day here and there. And that works. You know it do it works. Rip it up. Boom. You know, I know I was listening to Oh, Lon jurrell He was like, everything that’s making you feel upset or angry the press just think of it, like a balloon or a glass cup and just break it like release it mentally, like release it and you have to and we get some points. I still go through things I still get upset. I still you’re supposed to you’re human. That’s I know that I’m still alive. Like if you’re walking around here, like do I’m happy every day like nothing happened. Like no, no, it’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be. It’s okay. But don’t live there. Don’t live there. Brief. If you could come up with a solution. Try it’s okay to try to make turn things in try to see like, Okay, let me see if I can control the ball. We all try this. Try it. But the ball is this if it’s this, if it’s just too strong and it’s just a you know that you lose it. It’s okay. More bulls account for you to control more. It’s okay. Just let that one go. It’s alright, you fail that one. You got beat up cool. You didn’t die. So you got another chance we could figure it out. It might take weeks but we have figured it out. So I appreciate you a lot. I do. And I do tell people about you all the time. So this is this is great. And I’m I be able to share this and people are like oh, that’s what he was talking about. My yes follower. Your program. You know, I’m saying like sign up for programs and stuff like that because you are a very, very important person to the community. You know, to the cultures, different cultures and things like that. And people need to hear this because Grief Recovery that’s not been talked about a lot still to this day. People might try to get you to do your We’ll go meditation and that’s fine. But how do you agree? How do you agree? You know, and they don’t know how they don’t know. Some people I don’t, I don’t care too, I’ll just move on, like you came. That’s just pain that just another, it’s like, it’s like another arrow in your back. You just, you’re gonna carry that around like Nah, man, just take that arrow out and just gotta fix it. You gotta grieve, you gotta let go. So thank you for that for them tubes and everything for it. And helping my kids. Yeah, helping my kids and my teenagers. I let them express themselves, and I’ll be honest, I’m like, hey, look, if you got to cuss a little bit, don’t get crazy. But express yourself because I want them to know, like, I’m your parent. And I’m your friend to because you can be both, you know, just know your boundaries. But I want you to tell me how you feel. I want to hear everything. You know, I’m saying I want to understand you I want to know how I can help you. So I do, you know, say I do allow that to let them express I do let them you know do things like that. And that helps. It helps. Yeah, they write their own notes and stuff like that. And I got the little one she listened to affirmation for kids on YouTube every morning. Yeah, she just she so she the happy person. She don’t She’s sick. So she I love myself. I only know I only love me. I love Oh, oh, okay, your love. Okay, you take any real deep Yes, you know I only love but does she know her were so that’s that’s good. And I love when she do that. And even when we walk to school as you I love myself I’m brave and beautiful and smart. And just telling my kids that you are you are in control of your day. So when you get up you structure your day because the moment you don’t do that and you walk out this door and somebody say something to you now your structure is all over the place. You’re not who you need to be that day. No, you get up and looking at mirror like hey, look, you don’t want I love you You look good. You look handsome. You look beautiful. You cute you file again, this is I’m gonna one I’m gonna be this I’m not a you don’t think when you leave the door you are you like this and anything that’s negative that’s trying to break through that barrier, it’s gonna be hard to because you already solidify your your worth, you know who you are. So anybody say something negative. Okay, cool. You think that I know who I am. I’m good. Just don’t touch me. But we good you know his hand like, have a great day understand you. Because we don’t have to battle with everybody. Some people and I ain’t worth it. They don’t even understand their worth. They don’t know what’s going on all they didn’t structure their day, they upset they energy everywhere. Let them be that get away from the situation and still carry on with your day because people are going to think what they want. People want to say what they want. But as long as you know who you are and what your purpose is, and you walk in that purpose. You will be just fine no matter what. And I’ll tell people as I said, I just want to be happy no matter what and people say that but you have to understand this when you say I want to be happy no matter what that means you have to be happy during divorce, separation, losing someone somebody firing you if the kids is you know, especially for moms and stuff like kids you know, no home and audit things get crazy bills, you have to be careful what you ask for because things happen. Keep your structure keep your energy is one to be okay. You will figure it out and some things are meant to happen let it happen. The unknown is not as scary as you think. You know, we learn in it because we so we so comfortable with okay, everything this is nice and soon as some get dark and we’re gonna hold on I don’t like change. Things are changing. I don’t like that. I don’t like how we don’t like that, you know? But it’s okay. It’s okay. So thank you for for teaching me that. And thank you, you know for like sticking it out with me and still being accessible today. I just been like crazy busy. And I definitely still want to send you a handbag. But you’re on my list. Yeah, yeah. But I just been crazy busy. I’m just everywhere. I’ve been like California back and you know, I’m just like this. But yeah, yeah, I do appreciate you a lot.
Victoria Volk 39:18
And I love hearing the ripples of that work that you did. It’s an it continues and that to us? Yeah, just like there’s ripples in grief. There’s ripples and healing, too. So thanks. Thank you for sharing.
Quandell Wright 39:33
Yeah, we human. It’s okay.
Victoria Volk 39:34
I could seriously be your future TED talk.
Quandell Wright 39:38
I know. Right.
Victoria Volk 39:40
Thank you for that riff. I absolutely love it. Yeah,
Quandell Wright 39:43
Yeah. You definitely belong on TED talk. I can’t wait.
Victoria Volk 39:46
Tell you. That whole that whole riff you just did. Yeah,
Quandell Wright 39:50
I’m actually done. I’m actually doing I had a I had a meeting with the Detroit Pistons so I am doing a charity basketball game July. We live from two to 5:30pm at the Detroit Pistons practice facility, that’s somewhere like MIG tau, I would love to see you every station, if you would like to come, I can send you like a pass or something like that. I’m, I’m doing like a panel, I’m doing a panel from like three to four. And then we joined the basketball game. So I want to race. This is actually though this might actually work out. So I’ve been looking for someone that practices like that, you know, that’s in the mental health field that actually put in the work to actually help people. So my minimum, I’m trying to donate $500 to that organization, and $500 or organization for, for stop for stop the violence type of you know, program. So I do have that. I do love what you are doing. Um, so if we can somehow like donate that money to you. So you can carry on with what you’re doing? I would love to do that. So
Victoria Volk 41:04
You could actually sponsor someone for a Grief Recovery Program?
Quandell Wright 41:09
Yeah, that would be cool. That’d be cool. But I would love to donate that money to you. So you can continue your practice in what you’re doing. Because you’re like, so, so helpful. And we were sitting here and I’m like, I don’t know anyone would and how I was thinking about it. I’m like, Who is? Where are the nonprofit organization like mental health by organizations, I couldn’t think of none. And I was just like, You know what, we have figured it out. So I’m talking to you. And it’s exactly what you do, like you actually put in the work, you actually help people. So if we can raise the $500, I would love to give that check to you. And you can use that money to get books, or just maybe that might pay for somebody section, or whatever the case might be. I would love to donate to you. So we do we got a pitch deck, I think it should be completed today. You can send me your logo, we can put it in a pitch deck and your information. Let me see information like your company, when it started, what you do, we put into a pitch deck. And if you have like a paper or whatever it might be, we could put that in there too. So people could donate throughout the last the next couple of months. You know when we send the pitch deck out, and we will send you the pitch deck today. So you can send out to share it. Yeah, you can share it, and people could donate to you or whatever. And then we raised the money. Hopefully we do. But we raised the money. And we can give you you know, we can give me a check to you on top of whatever you got for your donations. We don’t have nothing to do with that. But I would just love to help you out with your journey as well. Because you helped me out a lot. So yeah, that’ll work. Yeah, so July 11. If you can’t come, it’d be great.
Victoria Volk 42:57
It would be amazing.
Quandell Wright 42:59
It’d be beautiful for you to come. I sent you two passes. Have you wanted to kids or someone? I would love to come and check it out. Have a great time. You definitely can. And we can show you around Detroit, you kind of get you know, yeah. Yeah. Beautiful downtown is beautiful. Like Dan Gilbert, just, he just reinvented everything. He just took over everything and made it beautiful. So
Victoria Volk 43:20
For me, it’s nice.
Quandell Wright 43:23
It’s nice. So yeah, definitely keep in touch. And I do have assistant and she is like very, very great. Because I respond very late because I got 1000 People call me inbox me and they want stuff so but I do have a great assistant. So I’ll definitely give you her information and you if whatever link that you have like your pay pal, if you GoFundMe, whatever link you want to create the center with a bio we want to start promoting on Instagram so people could donate to you and your work and we still want to you know, write you a check on top of whatever you earn so they can help you out. So it was well.
Victoria Volk 44:00
You’re amazing. And all the way.
Quandell Wright 44:02
You’re amazing. You’re amazing. Yeah,
Victoria Volk 44:06
I’m so glad we reconnected again and that you are my first Where are they now episode and I saw something in you back in October 2020 I saw something in you and I was spot on. I was spying on you. So thank you. That’s awesome to see you thrive. So thank you for sharing your time with me today. Is there anything else you would like to share?
Quandell Wright 44:29
Just be you be us everybody that’s listening is willing to be watching us be you love you care for you. You know learn you learn who you are walking your purpose and brief and it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, so we’re going to be fine. Yeah, we’re gonna be fine. So
Victoria Volk 44:49
Beautiful. Message. Thank you so much. Thank you. I will put all the links to how people can reach out to you how you prefer they reach out to you Okay, in the shownotes and where can people find you now? Social media and stuff?
Quandell Wright 45:05
Oh, yeah that’s the ground. The QX William Palmer. Facebook Quandell H Wright For Name, Email. That’s as long but it’s cute right at yeah [email protected]. So people can email me there find me on Facebook Quandell H Wright, W R I G H T or Instagram to QX William Palmer. So, I do look at my DMs I do take a day and be like, Okay, let me see what’s going on. So I do it. I do respond to people and people get very, very excited. And I’d be like, okay, hold on. I’m just a regular person. But they but you responded to me. Oh my god. So it’s, it’s nice. I love that though. I really do. I love making people really, really happy. And that’s really cool. I love it. The sweet.
Victoria Volk 45:54
Humble Q. Yeah, Humble Q. I love it. So I will put the links for all that in the show notes. And in the meantime, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
