Grief, Growth |
Do you know what has me excited (in a good way)? The word “grief” is getting thrown around a lot more these days on social media. Not really on the news, from what I’ve seen, but on social? Yes.
This progress means the conversations are starting to shift to calling our emotions what they are – grief. The human experience of every one of us does not go on without grief. We cannot escape it. We all have our walk with it at different stages and phases of life. However, not usually collectively, as a globe.
The correlation I want to make today is how money and grief are similar amplifiers in our lives. When a miserable person wins the lottery, often, it is not the money that makes them happy. What happens more often than not, is the person ends up even more miserable.
Some people may argue they were happier before winning, and, in some cases, that may be true. However, I believe that if you’ve not processed anything that is emotionally incomplete and you win the lottery, all those feelings that have been lying in wait, deep in your heart and subconscious, will rise to the surface and create chaos in your life. Add the grief that comes as a result of winning, too, and life itself can feel unbearable. And, you know what happens when life itself feels intolerable, we look to STERBS (short-term energy relieving behaviors) that help us feel better in the moment. One may resort to gambling, drinking, promiscuity, food, drugs, or other behaviors, maybe never before experienced, to feel better.
On the other hand, let’s say you’re a well-balanced individual. You have a spiritual practice; maybe you’ve been working with a therapist to process your childhood wounds, you’ve gone through years of personal development and growth, your life is full of connection, support, and love. This person wins the same lottery windfall. Do you think this person will have a very different experience? Do you think they would likely enlist the help of a C.P.A to handle the money responsibly? Do you think they are more likely to open a trust or donate to humanitarian efforts/causes freely and abundantly?
We treat ourselves, money, friends, family, co-workers, etc. very differently when our hearts are rooted in grief, then when we’ve done a substantial amount of inner-work to process those feelings.
However which way we lean, in the positive of conscious awareness of our grief and addressing it, to downright avoiding it, directly impacts every area of our lives. Money is no different.
When we ignore our deepest emotions (or our money), the issues that arise because of that avoidance manifests in our lives. This comparison is what I mean when I say money and grief are amplifiers in our lives. What’s emotionally present and the state of our financial matters – expand. Because what we focus on expands; this is the law of the universe
The beautiful thing? We have a choice. We can choose how our tomorrow’s start to look. We can choose what our lives would or could be like if we were fortunate enough to either win or inherit a windfall. Likewise, we can choose how we view money (good, evil, or neutral resource). And, we get to choose if grief will keep our hearts stuck in the past or if we will face it head-on; allowing it to create forward-momentum (for good) in our lives.
What will you choose?
Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth |
As grievers, our hearts are soft and ever-changing through the motions day-to-day. For comparison purposes, think back to childhood and the hours of fun you had with play-doh; molding, creating and shaping it to make something new to express what you’re thinking/feeling.
Our grieving hearts can also be like clay, soft at the start, only to harden over time. And, this is what happens to, I believe, most of us grievers as time goes on. It’s also why time heals all wounds is a myth that needs to die in conversation. Time does nothing but pass. It’s the action we take in time that creates lasting change.
People say, what they think, are thoughtful, insightful things to grievers. Grievers themselves who’ve never likely processed their grief are sharing from a place of pain themselves. So, why do the things grievers say to other grievers come off as hurtful and unhelpful?
Below are some examples of typical phrases grievers say to other grievers and why these phrases are unhelpful and often hurtful.
“At least he/she is in a better place…” —- First of all, to someone whose grieving the loss of a loved one, they’re sad their loved one isn’t here on earth with them. That would be the better place. In the event of long-term suffering, this may feel true of the griever, but we should never assume that’s how they’re feeling.
“I know how you feel…” —- Impossible. Every loss is different because every relationship is different. It is impossible to know how someone is feeling, and it is unhelpful and hurtful to assume otherwise. Two sisters who experience the death of their mother, despite experiencing the same loss, they’re thoughts and feelings about the loss will be completely different. Each of them experienced a mother-daughter relationship that was unique to them. Similarly, if two people, unrelated, experience a similar loss, although they can relate to each other, their losses will still be individually unique.
“You’re young; you can try/find love again [referring to miscarriage, death of a spouse/significant other]…” —- Saying this is a complete disregard for the emotional weight of what’s been lost. A child, regardless of gestation, is a child to that mother. One never knows the challenges someone faces, too, in conceiving. Also, one never knows if this is a first miscarriage or one of several. Again, it is assuming a story that is ultimately hurtful in this situation. Such is true, too, when it comes to the death of a spouse/significant other when young, To that person, they’ve lost the love of their life. The last thing they’re thinking about is finding love again.
It’s been a year; shouldn’t you be over it by now? —- As I mentioned previously, time does nothing but pass. Whether the loss occurred one or ten years ago, there’s no standard of time by which someone will grieve. March 31st will mark thirty-three years my dad has been gone. The sadness still exists. My children don’t know their grandfather. And, I haven’t had my dad to call on Father’s Day all these years. However, unlike many years prior, today, when I think of my dad, I think about him as my angel. And, I’m no longer emotionally weighed down or feel blame in my heart for how losing him changed my life. Grief Recovery gave me the process and knowledge I needed to process that loss (and every other relationship that has been emotionally incomplete).
These are some of the most common examples of unhelpful and hurtful things we say (as grievers ourselves) to other grievers. I am expressing that these are hurtful/harmful things grievers say to other grievers because I believe we all grieve at 100%. We all grieve something or someone. You may not feel you are a griever, but eventually, you will have another loss that brings all the losses before to the surface.
So, what should you say instead? If you find yourself in a position where you’re tempted to say one of the things above, instead, simply ask how you can help or support them, offer a hug, or, express how you’re there for them whenever they need. It need not be complicated or wordy – these are one of those instances where sometimes, less is truly more.
P.S. In case you missed it, this is my birthday week! This week only, receive $41 off the One-on-One, 7-week grief recovery program, and 60-minute Distant/In-Person Reiki sessions are $41. Reiki sessions and One-on-One spots are limited, and this promotion only goes through this Sunday! Purchase Reiki sessions now, use them later! Reserve a One-on-One spot now; coordinate with me for a time that works best for you! Do you have any questions? Email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com. xx
Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Stories, Growth, Resources |
Are you the type of person who is always looking for the silver lining in a situation? Or, do you tend to give more thought to what is or could’ve been?
There’s no right or wrong answer here. I’ve just thought this week about how differently we’re all wired.
For the most part, since childhood, I’ve considered myself as optimistic. Likely because of the crappy things I experienced in my youth. Even as a kid, I recognized there is always someone who has had it worse. Always. I don’t say that lightly. And, it’s not even that I was taught this, because I don’t believe I was. I think it’s something I felt and witnessed. And perhaps this is what’s been burned into my heart. And, when I put myself in their shoes, and allow my imagination to take me to that person’s experience, and feel what that would feel like, suddenly, all that I’ve endured doesn’t seem so hard.
But, all that empathy, optimism, and always looking to the future (when I get older, I’m going to do this, I’m going to experience that, etc..) kept me from really feeling what I was experiencing in the present. I look back on my childhood and recognize that I spent a lot of time in my imagination.
Silver linings are great; as long they’re not a coping mechanism to deflect from what’s going on in the heart. Children, in my opinion, do this naturally, though – as a way to protect themselves. And, children are also more sensitive to the energy of others, and often pick up on and perceive situations differently than adults.
Although I believe we have tendencies that are hard-wired and written into our DNA, I equally think that early traumatic experiences re-wire our brains and create physical changes on a cellular level. I’m starting to dive into the topic of trauma and it impacts on our bodies, but I find it fascinating and will share as I learn.
In the meantime, I guess I will continue to be one of those annoying people who are always ready to point out the silver lining of a situation. However, what I’ve learned through grief recovery is that firstly, it is most important to acknowledge and not minimize the human experience someone else is having.
Everyone sees situations through their lens of experience. And, that’s why the Grief Recovery Method is so powerful. We learn to be a heart with ears for others; removing the lens through which we see the world, and giving someone else the presence of heart – and heart alone.
When we begin to work on our inner “stuff,” we see our lives (and the lives of others, too) from a different perspective. It also becomes a lot easier to see the silver lining for ourselves, too. Because, when you get 5-12 people in one group sharing their deepest pain, I guarantee you’d rather keep your problems. And, it’s not to compare, again – that’s not what we do in Grief Recovery. But, the awareness of that alone has the power to illuminate the grief in our lives – in a way, nothing else can. And that is why we can never heal in isolation.
What is a silver lining-feeling you desire in your life? How do you wish to see a situation differently?
Think about it this way; those who survived as POW’s (the late John McCain, for example) or Holocaust survivors (for example, this book by Viktor Frankl, which has been on my “to-read” list for far too long), are some of the greatest optimists you’ll ever meet. When I’ve watched interviews, recently this one shared on CBS Sunday Morning for the 75th Anniversary of Auschwitz, I could feel their optimism, despite what they’ve endured. I’ve been to the Dachau Concentration Camp; just walking the grounds was a sobering experience.
Where does optimism come from, if not from our life experience?
I’ll leave you today with Frankl’s words:
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
P.S. Heads up! Next week Monday, I’ll be sharing a birthday week promotion! You’ll have an opportunity to book Reiki sessions at a discount for that week only (can be used later) – due to my schedule; sessions are limited! Also, there is a discount for the 7-week One-on-One Grief Recovery Program. Stay tuned! I will be sending my email list the info first if you’d like to get in on the birthday shenanigans! 🙂
Grief Stories, Growth, Living Unleashed |
There are moments in life where we feel like we disappointed someone or even ourselves. It could be by not living up to our potential, not keeping a promise, or also feeling as though we let someone else down.
So, what do I mean by “fail up?”
Fail Up is simply this: when the feeling of a letdown, disappointment, failure, etc. creep in your heart – do something right then that will move you forward and create momentum.
I’ve learned a lot about the concept of “fail up” since I got certified in the grief recovery method and offering the programs I am certified to facilitate. You see, grief recovery services aren’t exactly like the Black Friday shopping years ago where people would line up for hours upon hours, nearly kill (or literally – I’m sure it happened) each other for, or save money toward either. My point is, is this is a service people generally have to warm up to receive and likely don’t know it exists. Which is why I talk about it 80% of the time on social or to anyone who will listen!
This is not an easy-peasy business to build. And I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But, boy, did I experience it fully and left my experience wholeheartedly believing in it! So, when I have days where I feel like everything I’ve tried has failed, or I feel like I’ve disappointed someone, I remember why I got into this work in the first place. I also remind myself of this beautiful lesson in perseverance (i.e., “failing up”), taught to me by my mentor, Sandi. And I grab my paper and pen, and I start brainstorming, journaling, and work myself through the emotion of it and continually grab onto the next best feeling I can. And, I always land back on hope.
Hope is what got me here in the first place. I had hope that I would find relief in my grief when I discovered the Grief Recovery Institute a year ago in January. I had faith that it would transform my relationship with my grief and enable me to live in the present more fully. I had hope of getting out of the rut, that I felt, grief was keeping me in all my life. I believed I was meant for more and that there was more to life than feeling like emotional garbage day in and day out.
Hope.
It got me here and it still, regularly, gets me out of my headspin of feeling failure to the point it paralyzes me.
Fail up and hope go hand-in-hand. Because without hope, I don’t know that I would take the actions needed that enable me to fail up in the first place. What I offer is more significant than myself. It feels like a movement. My pity parties aren’t near as long as they used to be in my earlier entrepreneurial years. I thank the good Lord for preparing me for this time in my life. My photography business gave me so many skills and knowledge that I utilize daily. I feel like I’m above the curve-ball. And finally, my heart has caught up to my purpose, and I feel aligned.
I can tell you, I’ve failed up a lot; there were a lot of stepping stones over the years. Perhaps look at the times you feel you failed and apply this message and see if you can’t begin to look at things from a different point-of-view.
Fail Up, friend. And never lose hope (my favorite-est word in the world).
Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
The fog has been relentless here lately. It got me thinking about how it’s nearly impossible to see ahead when it’s so thick, especially in the darkness, and despite headlights to guide us on our way.
Growth is a lot like this. We don’t know what we don’t know. When life is feeling challenging, it can be outright painful to even look ahead to the future. During the hard, growth days, in the releasing and letting go of what’s no longer serving our higher good, that’s when the fog begins to lift. We start to see more clearly. We are able to look in the rearview and see how far we’ve come, too.
I don’t believe we ever graduate from “growth college.” It’s not something in which we can earn a Masters or PH.D. degree. It’s through the school of hard-Knox life where we learn as we go. There isn’t some end-point we all should be striving to achieve.
If we can accept that growth is a forever ongoing process and that we never truly reach enlightenment (unless you’re Buddhist), we then can savor the process of discovering and uncovering all the layers that have created and shaped us.
The fog has lifted here in the great plains. Despite not seeing the sun for several days, I know it’s there. Isn’t that funny? We have faith and trust that the sun is there, even when we can’t see it. And yet, we don’t trust and have faith in ourselves that we too, have a light within us that, no matter how thick the fog may get, can light the way for us – even in the darkest of days.
P.S. My B.F.F. shared this Kindness February Calendar (<— click for immediate download) with me. I love it so much; I thought I’d share it with you. Spread your light, friend; with all the darkness and fog out there, we need more of it.
P.P.S. Info on my FREE talk tomorrow and the upcoming 8-week Grief Recovery Group! 🙂 PDF LINK to TALK and PDF LINK to Group
Growth, Resources |
Three topics were swirling around in my head for this week’s blog post. However, considering Tuesday was the last day of a first experience for me, I thought I’d share about that today.
Ninety days ago this week, I was sitting on my sister’s guest-room bed, having just finished up day two of my Reiki certification, talking with a group of strangers over Zoom. It was a first introduction Zoom call with, what was going to be for the next ninety days, round one of the UnBecoming Collective.
I had never applied to be a part of an accountability group or mastermind and didn’t know what to expect. All I knew was, I had a passion burning within me, and I was looking for — honestly, come to think of it, I’m not sure what I was looking for at the time. All I knew was that I had been waiting for some sort of mastermind opportunity to come my way that wasn’t going to cost me as much as a car.
What transpired over the next ninety days wasn’t earth-shattering financial gains from my passion business, but rather a whole lot more, in terms of personal growth.
You see, what happens when women from all walks of life are put into one social “container (i.e., Voxer),” who are ready to make some shit happen? Well, what you get are a lot of tears, breakthroughs, a-ha moments, friendship, support, positive influence, and a lotta can-do spirit lit under your ass.
Although I feel like the same person I was ninety days ago, I know I’ve evolved. Over the past ninety days, I think I’ve worked on unbecoming, shedding layers of myself that have been hiding bits of my potential.
Grief and emotional turmoil can put a mask on our potential – without us even realizing it. When someone puts a spotlight on something hidden within, when what we need to heal rises to the surface – that’s when we are given a growth opportunity.
Over the past ninety days, I have worked on completing three more relationships within the context of grief recovery, gave up alcohol (two months and counting), forged new friendships, meditated forty-days straight, and [I’m told] was a source of laughter in the group. In truth, I feel like, emotionally, it was at least a year.
Would my experience have been the same with another group of women? I’ll never know. But, I do feel these women each brought something to the table that I needed. Whether it was something I needed to hear (I literally gave up alcohol after a thought-provoking share from one of the other women), a different perspective/insight, or just sheer inspiration. For example, I had tried a meditation streak before and hadn’t completed it. By locking arms with another one of the women and both of us stating a daily meditation practice was something we both wished to do, we both completed day forty – today!
In case you’re wondering, round two starting February 1st. Click on the image above or HERE to apply. The deadline is Wednesday, January 29th, at 11:59 PM PST.
And finally, a shout-out to the women who let me into their world the last ninety days. They added a whole lotta spark to my life and are leaving their mark on the world in their own amazing way. Check them out! Perhaps a service they offer may help you live your best life!
Phoebe Mroczek – creator of the UnBecoming Podcast and the UnBecoming Collective
Patsy Kenney – she helps people uncover their truth and share it with the world with The Branding Edit, and her other endeavor is And Celebrate
Angie Tutterow – Marketing, Design & Business Consultant (a powerhouse for creating and my accountability partner) By Design Media and Blu3MG.com
Colette Broomhead – Social Media Strategist & Content Creator
Ericka Heiser – Director of Business Valuation Services / Motivational Speaker / President of Day of Excellence
Harmony Garcia-Gentry – Clarity/Confidence/Wellness Coach
Jeannette Keating – Residential Realtor & Founder of Realtor Mamas
Jordan Taylor – Streamlining & Automating Business Manager
Karen Landriau – Holistic Health Strategist or on IG
Manuela Powell – Mindset Coach
Michelle Marsh – Positivity Coach, Natural Lifestyle Advocate, & Podcaster
Stephanie Hametner – Passionate about helping people create a state of well-being in their lives
