Grief, Grief Stories, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
I had a different blog post planned for today; however, I felt this topic more strongly today. So, let’s talk about the word fine, particularly in the context of I’m fine.
For most of my life, when someone would ask me, “how are you?” My response (like it is for a lot of us) would be, “I’m fine.”
There’s a question we need to interject, however. In the space between that question and our knee-jerk response, ask: “Do I like to be lied to?”
We often pause, to tell the truth about ourselves in this instance, because it’s just easier. Getting deep with, what is often a casual, small-talk question, would be uncomfortable, right? I mean, if we ask someone (anyone) how they’re doing, we’re likely to be caught off guard if we got the truth – if it’s anything but “I’m fine.”
Let’s look at this typical scenario more closely, shall we?
Had I told the truth about myself when someone asked me how I was doing back in 2014, I would have said:
Life itself overwhelms me, and I am feeling miserable inside. I feel like there’s more to me than where I’m at and what I’m doing right now. Everything from my past is creaping up on me. I feel like a hot mess. I haven’t showered for three days (no lie) and only get out of my pj’s and make my bed right before my kids come home, so they don’t see what a hot mess I am. I take personality tests, am going through various personal development programs trying to figure out why I’m so f*cked up. That’s how I feel – f*cked up. I ache all over. I can’t eat because I feel bloated all the time. My hair is falling out in clumps in the shower. I am quick to anger and slow to love. Also, I got a dog because my youngest went to kindergarten and, I needed a distraction, because, just like that, I feel like I’ve lost a part of my identity – in so many ways.
How do you think someone would respond to that on the street, on the phone, or at lunch? They likely would’ve regretted even asking. And, for some reading that, you may be realizing, for the first time (if you haven’t read my book), how I really felt and what my days really looked like back then.
Grief causes us to behave in ways that are out of character for who we are at our core. But, here’s the caveat to that statement: I don’t think we truly know ourselves until we dissect ourselves. We may have an understanding of our likes, dislikes, passions, etc.. But, I’m talking really deep examining and knowing. The knowing you finally feel when you look in the mirror, and your reflection meets your soul. When have you seen yourself this way? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror so profoundly that you began to weep? If I were Kenny Rogers singing “Gamgling Man,” I’d bet my left kidney that you haven’t. It’s been a long time since I’ve done so myself.
I can tell you, what’s happened for me when I have in the past, is a whole lot of tears start flowing. Those tears would come from a whole lot of hurt at that time. I would bet my right kidney, but considering I already bet my left and probably lost, I’ll say I’d bet my next paycheck that if I did so today, it would be a different story. Today, I feel a whole lot of appreciation for being where I am in my life and all the sh*t I worked through to get to this place. I know this because it happens so easily now when I am in meditation or journaling.
So, perhaps when people ask me now, “how are you?” I should say: “Fantastic. How can I help you feel fantastic today, too?” I’m sure that’s not something most people would expect to hear, right?
So, friend – how can I help YOU feel fantastic today? Or, perhaps, tomorrow, or nine weeks from now? More specifically, I can, after the last session of my upcoming eight-week grief group program (March 11th). Shameless plug, I know. But truthfully, this program was the catalyst for changing the trajectory of the rest of my life. I feel this in my bones because I became certified, and I’ve found my calling in this work. However, even if you’re not certifying and are a participant, you’re going through it and doing the work. You complete deep inner-work, in a supported and guided environment. You don’t know it yet, but the feeling after the eight weeks will have you choosing another response than “I’m fine.” I guarantee it.
Let’s remove “I’m fine” from our vocabulary and, instead, begin to tell the truth about ourselves. Grief isn’t a dirty word. And yet, it certainly feels like it is. I’m on a mission to make grief common-talk, just like the weather. Not one person is immune to it, regardless of race, gender, sexual preference, etc.. We can look at anyone on the street and know there’s something within them that causes an ache inside because we all grieve something or someone. “I’m fine” is merely a distraction from the pain and loneliness that persists inside. And by saying “I’m fine,” we’re placing a bandaid over an infection. All the while, we’re rejecting and denying where our “hut (heart + gut)” is telling us we need to heal.
We start changing the conversation when we start getting honest with ourselves and with each other. And, this conversation starts in our homes with our children. We need to stop accepting, “I’m fine.” We have to help our children find the words to help them express how they’re truly feeling. Because behind every “I’m fine” is a lie if we take the time to dissect it.
One last thought: How can we expect our children to tell the truth about themselves when we hide the truth about ourselves?
P.S. Tickets/info for my upcoming group in Bismarck, ND can be found HERE, if you’re interested in moving beyond your grief.
Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Spirituality |
Who misses their own business anniversary? This gal.
Who got to celebrate with a great group of ladies two days late over the inter-webs? This gal.
It’s all good.
I feel as though I’ve walked a thousand miles this past year. Nothing near what Jesus accomplished, but hey, it was totally worth it. I’m sure Jesus felt his 7,300 miles (20 miles per day, on average – I Googled it) was worth it, too.
Anything challenging is often what we most need and, also, what we find is most worth it to us in the end. Isn’t that the truth?!
I launched The Unleashed Heart, LLC January 8th, 2019. So, my business is officially no longer a baby and is now a toddler! Lol! Hopefully, there aren’t too many temper tantrums on the horizon, but I expect some along the way. If I think about her (my business) as a toddler, resistance is bound to happen. But, if 2019 prepared me for anything, it laid the foundation for allowing. There doesn’t have to be a tug-of-war, power struggle always going on. I get to choose to be proactive and allow, or armor up and resist.
At the time of the launch, I had created Living Unleashed™ and launched it simultaneously with the website. Two months later, I would set out on an emotional and spiritual experience that I couldn’t have fathomed would’ve changed my life as it has.
This past year has led to some fantastic experiences, opportunities, and friendships that have felt so timely. My heart was cracked wide open in 2019.
Between Grief Recovery Certification, Usui Holy Fire Reiki Levels I & II Certification, The Unbecoming Collective Accountability Group, and the things I planned in 2019 for 2020, I can say 2019 was my exponential growth year.
2019 was the year I:
- Launched a new business (my 3rd)
- Overcame 30+ years of grief
- Booked and took a solo trip (to Austin, TX) for the first time
- Connected more fully to my heart
- Experienced spirituality in a way I had never before (maybe even for me – for the first time)
- Fully believed and embraced that we are physical beings here on earth, having a spiritual experience. I had heard/read this many times before, but this year was the year I feel like I felt it for the first time.
- Helped other hurting hearts navigate their grief and feeling what fulfillment felt like for the first time.
- Felt alignment for the first time – in who I am and what I am here to do
- Experienced Reiki for the first time. Mind-blown. All I gotta say is you have to experience it, and you’ll get a sense of what I mean. It’s bizarre, the most relaxed I had felt in ages, and it’s healing that can’t be seen – only felt.
- Forged new friendships
- Got out of my comfort zone and started speaking in front of people (I hadn’t done that since speech competition in high school).
- Gave up alcohol. So far, so good.
- Felt like I became a wiser parent (Grief Recovery & inner-work helped with this).
- Wrote a blog post every Friday and newsletter every Wednesday for 52 weeks – and counting.
- Started a daily meditation practice – 26 days and counting.
- Gave up on running. I’ve narrowed down my daily preferred body movements to either yoga or a 2-mile incline power walk (and, I swear I burn more calories doing this than I ever did running 2 miles flat).
- Signed up for Usui Reiki Master Certification (I can teach with this certification)
- Had an amazing (first, big) family vacation with those I love dearly
I could probably think of more if I sat here a bit longer, but, for the sake of finishing this post, I’ll stop there.
We don’t celebrate our lives enough. The past year was amazing, extremely challenging, and rewarding. And I honestly cannot wait to see what I can write for my 2nd Anniversary blog post!
So, enough about me. How about you? Have you reflected on 2019, celebrating, and finding the light – even in the darkness?
Growth, for me, won’t stop just because the calendar flipped, and we entered a new decade. I have a feeling this is only the beginning.
Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources, Spirituality |
There is one thing we can do, that can be challenging to find (especially working parents), but is always available to us if we make it a priority – silence.
If we consider how much time we spend watching television, on our phones, or listening to and taking in other media (podcasts, audiobooks, or music) – we can likely find ten minutes to find some silence.
Silence is one of my favorite things. During the day, if I’m working from home, I rarely have the television on, and, if I have music, it’s music for concentration.
We don’t need to practice meditation to discover solutions to our most pressing problems (although it is beneficial for that). We don’t need to ask every other person in our life for advice. All we need to do is get quiet, silently ask ourselves what our hut (heart + gut) is trying to tell us, and bring awareness to how our bodies respond to the situation at hand that is keeping us stuck.
This concept may sound simplistic, but I feel like I complicated making decisions for much of my life. I struggled with making the wrong decision; thereby, indecision became the natural thing to do. The one thing that changed was I started getting intentionally quiet and started asking myself better questions – digging more deeply into my heart to find the answers.
So, how do we tap into our inner-knowing (our hut)?
There are many resources out there and various ways of tapping into our hearts. Tapping (no pun intended), for example, is one way. Journaling is another way to free-write your way to answers to your most pressing questions. There are lots of journal options out there with journal prompts, if free-writing isn’t your thing. You could also check out the app, Jour: Journal for Mindfulness, if digitally, at your fingertips is a preference.
The main point is to ask, get quiet, and allow what comes to you, being open to receiving guidance from your inner-knowing.
Does this all sound woo-woo to you? Before 2014, I would’ve probably blown this off. But, I was also very disconnected from my heart, too. There is so much wisdom within us that we rarely (if ever) need to look to outside sources. Sure, an in-depth conversation with a friend can spark a thought, idea, or solution. But, nothing replaces connecting to our own heart. That is where our truth is – and no one knows that better than we do ourselves.
Childhood Grief, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
When you think of your treasures as being your time, money, feelings, beliefs, how do you want others to treat them? How do you want others not to treat them?
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23
Think of your heart as the home of your treasures. Wouldn’t you value your treasures and do all that you can to keep them protected?
It is the things we don’t value that we don’t worry about guarding. However, if we think about the treasures of our heart as a bank, we’d have the security around our bank pretty tight, right? At least, much tighter than that of a junkyard.
What happens though, if we’re raised not knowing or believing this? What if we grow up not feeling treasured? What if we are victims of sexual abuse? What happens to us when traumatic childhood experiences impact our treasures?
We neither grow up knowing what it means to feel treasured, nor do we know how to treat our treasures moving forward. Our boundaries are trampled on, and we do not learn or know how to positively create and enforce personal boundaries.
What do you think happens to the soul and heart of someone who doesn’t protect their treasures?
Think about all the scenarios where your time had been taken for granted, where it was assumed you would “take care of it” because well, you always did. Think about all the relationships you’ve gone through, only to find yourself time and time again, with someone who continues to participate in self-destructive behavior. Only, it’s not self-destructive, because being with that person impacts you, too.
How about when our beliefs and values are criticized? We often find ourselves giving in to others and conforming to the beliefs and values of others, too, because we haven’t learned how to speak up for ourselves. We may not even know what we value and believe. Or, may think things about ourselves that are not true, too.
Let the Past Be a Teacher
We must recognize when our treasures are being invaded and take steps to learn ways to enforce boundaries around our hearts. Every transgression against us can leave an imprint that may take years (or decades) to erase. Making our hearts a priority in well-being changes the game of life – it changes our lives.
We often learn through traumatic childhood experiences that giving, giving, giving is expected – there’s something within you for the taking. But what do we learn to give ourselves during those years? Not much. It isn’t until adulthood, where all the awareness of what was lost comes to light – and where healing needs to take place.
I’ve gained much awareness about boundaries that I did not have growing up. This awareness has taught me exactly where boundaries were necessary for my well-being. Taking time for ourselves isn’t selfish. And, speaking up for what is not okay with us, enables us to become more confident. There is so much power in boundaries — which are less about control and more about self-love.
In what ways do you recognize that your time, money, beliefs have been disregarded or lost altogether through boundary inflictions? In what ways have you ignored your established boundaries for the sake of others?
I’m not saying to close up your heart; quite the opposite. You see, when we learn and establish boundaries for ourselves, we give from a place of freedom and love, rather than from a place of guilt or fear.
Need a little help as I did in the boundaries department? I highly recommend the book Boundaries. It is an eye-opener. It was also the perfect follow-up to the internal work I’ve done (and continue to do) in grief recovery. You can find Boundaries on Amazon or with the companion workbook here.
As we get ready to flip the calendar to another year and another decade, what do you wish would be there for you? Perhaps some boundaries to guard your treasures? You don’t have to wish, my friend. The beauty of moving into 2020 is that knowledge is always within reach; education is literally at our fingertips. There are so many resources out there for growth; it’s mind-blowing if you think about it. We are living in a time of great fortune, because, how fortunate are we to have the access that we do?
There is no excuse not to grow these days. And because growth is a conscious choice, I challenge us all to think about the areas of our lives where growth is necessary to our happiness. I have several books on my shelf to choose from to read next (I just finished Boundaries, yay!) and I’m having quite a difficult time deciding. But one thing I know to be true is this: I do not regret choosing growth. Grief recovery work, and other means of growth, have directly impacted all areas of my life. I feel so darn good about going into 2020, which is a stark contrast to how I was feeling going into 2019.
How about you? In what areas of your life do you want to grow in 2020?
Onward and upward, friend. If you want to grow in your heart and release and let go of the pain that is holding your heart back from growing, you know where to find me. <3
Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness |
Happy Friday, friend!
In a recent meditation, the word abundance came to mind. The thought that followed was the realization that our abundance is in our minds.
When we think about abundance, our minds often think about tangible things.
I wrote the following passage in my journal after my meditation, and it completely shifted my view of abundance — just like that. Admittedly, this isn’t the first time I’ve probably heard or read something similar to this, but today, I don’t know — it seemed to stick like glue. So much so, I felt the need to share it, in case it may help shift how you see abundance moving forward, too.
Abundance is in the mind — literally. Our minds are full of so much knowledge and experience; giving us the capacity to dream, problem-solve, and co-create with our creator. It’s a brilliant and complex gift – all this abundance – already there and, too, waiting to be discovered. Abundance isn’t only about wealth, attainment, or the material things of our world. What if we viewed abundance as being our knowledge and unique life experience that sets the foundation for creativity, ingenuity, and growth? What if we fully believed and felt abundance is already ours and always there for us? We would feel limitless. We would be limitless and act is if we were limitless.
So often, I’ve found myself focusing on things without much attention — to the intention. It’s a mindfulness practice to daily check-in with ourselves, giving some intentional thought to what we’re focusing on at the moment. I’ve struggled lately with this – what I’m focusing on or giving my thoughts to, and having this thought about abundance today helped me zoom out a bit to the bigger picture.
I am abundant because I AM abundance. And, so are YOU. I don’t know if you need to hear this, too (as I’ve found myself saying this a few times this week to others), but as the entrepreneur, Marie Forleo says: Everything is figureoutable. And, it is, because you’ve got all the abundance of knowledge you already need, the experiences only you know deeply, and the ability to tap into it all – any time you need. Any questions you find yourself asking others, grab yourself a paper and pen, write those same questions down, and sit with them in silence with zero distractions. Allow yourself to uncover (and discover) the answers for yourself. Remember, you’re abundant.
Did this resonate with you? If so, please share! I’d love to dig into this more deeply with you in the comments. 🙂
P.S. I’ll be speaking this Sunday, December 22nd, at Our Redeemer’s Lutheran Church in Edgeley, ND, during their 9:30 service, if you live in the area. Learn more about grief in 25 minutes than you’ve likely learned your whole life. xx
Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Spirituality |
Do you know how kids tend to have no filters? Well, maybe it’s about time we adults remove the filters we have around our grief.
Notice how I didn’t say feelings? Yes, all emotions are valid and have value; however, the one I am most concerned about is the feeling of grief. I mean, I am the grief lady, after all! Lol!
In all seriousness, though, this phrase has almost felt like a mantra for me this week. Such as, when I felt myself cower and shrivel a little when I felt my values and integrity were being challenged. Respectfully, I stated my case, stuck to my values, and slept well that night.
Or, in conversation with my accountability group that consists of a beautiful, supportive group of women from all walks of life. This theme popped up for me again as women shared how particular challenges were arising and causing them feelings of grief. Although grief was not the word used, grief is what we feel of relationships that we wish would be/had been different, better, or more.
Also, the courage the women in my current 8-week grief recovery, showed when they shared the truth of their sorrow and pain.
Speak your truth, to me, is not some modern, new personal-development phrase to throw around. When I say it to someone else or when you say it to someone and ask the other person to share their truth with you, you must mean it. Because what is shared back is their truth. And, if you’re not a heart with ears, prepared to hear it, and know what to do with what’s said, then please don’t ask them to share it. And, when someone does speak their truth, thank them for sharing – that’s all you need to do. Don’t analyze, criticize, judge, and by all means, do not compare your story to theirs. Honor their truth with a thank you for sharing and ask if they accept hugs. Hugs are good for the soul; they release the good chemicals in the brain, as do tears. Allow those healing droplets to flow.
Care to speak your truth and need a heart with ears? Speak your truth in recorded audio and email it to me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com. This idea isn’t a challenge or anything, and neither the audio nor the email address attached to it will be used in any other way. Sometimes, we need to give our truth a voice and need someone to hear it – and nothing else. If this applies to you, I’m all ears.
P.S. I shared in this social post that I would share what’s next for me this next year in this week’s blog post. Between the time of that social share and sitting down to write this week’s blog post, I felt this topic was what I needed to write, rather than a reflection-of-the-year post that I thought I would write. At any rate, know that I will share a blog post probably next month, I think, where I will do a recap of the year and what I see for 2020. We will soon enter an entirely new decade – are you ready for it? I personally can’t wait! xx
