Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Personal, Resources |
In the personal development arena, you’ll often hear the words or phrase self-sabotage. But what is self-sabotage? It’s no different than self-betrayal. And that phrase feels a bit icky. It also feels more truthful, too.
Self-Sabotage vs. Self-Betrayal
When you choose to self-sabotage (i.e., get in your own way, choose thinking/behavior patterns that don’t serve you, etc.), you’re also betraying yourself. When you decide to sit in pain, anger, and sadness beyond the time those feelings have served you, that’s a betrayal of your heart. Essentially, you’re also keeping yourself in mental/emotional prison, too.
Human behavior has always fascinated me. I enjoy people-watching and hearing people’s stories about what makes them who they are, and I have made it my mission to figure out who I am and why I do the things I do. But if I had asked myself long ago this one question: In What Ways Am I Betraying Myself? Perhaps I would’ve realized what needed to change far sooner.
Our thoughts generate feelings, which prompt us to act – or not to. Considering thoughts can be changed, it would be safe to assume that our emotions and actions would follow suit, too. So, if you realize all the ways you are betraying yourself (your thoughts), and feel a desire for things to be different, better, or more (i.e., grief), then you have a litmus test for your actions. If the thing you think you want to do doesn’t align with your desire for your experience to be different, better, or more, then you know it’s not what you need to do.
Ways I Used to Betrayed Myself
Here are some examples of ways I have betrayed myself. If any of these resonate with you, then you have a starting point of where to look to heal.
- Looking for validation/affirmation from others.
- Quieting my voice when the situation didn’t feel right in my gut.
- Getting wrapped up in other’s emotional turbulence (taking their “stuff” on as my “stuff”).
- Keeping toxic relationships in my life far too long.
- Not addressing my mental/emotional health earlier in life.
- Not understanding/creating boundaries.
- Living in the past (or the future) – neglecting many present moments.
What I Do Now
Now that I’ve shared how I’ve betrayed myself, I think it’s important to share how I’ve turned these betrayals against myself around.
- Trusting my inner-knowing. No one will ever know me as much as I know myself, and no amount of outside validation/affirmation will mean more than the validation/affirmation I can give myself.
- Speaking up for myself—saying what is or isn’t okay—is a big way we can honor our hearts and spirits.
- I am mindful of when I feel myself taking on others’ negative energy and then addressing it. But first, if I know the situation could bring this feeling on, I am more mindful going into the situation in the first place. I imagine myself in a golden, protected bubble of light where that negativity doesn’t affect me. Similarly, I have become more mindful of the energy I bring to situations. Because we get back what we put out, right?
- As you grow, evolve, and change, those toxic relationships around you naturally fall away. We don’t need to push any sort of agenda on others. The only thing we have 100% control over is ourselves.
- Addressing my grief head-on has been the biggest game-changer of my life. Had I only known in my twenties what I know now, I could only move forward and pay it forward, too. Addressing my inner pain allows me to help others address theirs. Addressing your inner world has ten-fold ripple effects on your outer world.
- Boundaries? What the heck are those? I never knew what it meant to have boundaries, why they were necessary, how to create them, or how to respect others’ boundaries until I got to the other side of grief recovery. And, this book is a game-changer, friends. If you follow me on FB or IG, you’ll know I’ve shared this before, but WOW! I love this book! It has biblical references but is not preachy or in-your-face about God. I almost didn’t read this because of the reviews; I didn’t want another biblical-fluff book. This book is not. It is practical and will teach you all you need about boundaries.
- When we go through life wallowing in our sorrows, our minds are stuck in the past while our hearts fight to find hope for the future. And when we’ve stuffed our past for so long, we do everything we possibly can to avoid it and find ourselves always looking to the future, chasing the next thing. All the while, we’re never fully living in the present. Who do you are betraying? Well, not only yourself but also your family.
Do you see how self-sabotage is a “fluffier” word than self-betrayal? When you start to awaken to all of the parts of you that make you you, it becomes natural to begin to call things what they are. And it also makes healing possible. Awareness is a beautiful thing.
Journal prompt for you: How am I betraying myself?
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Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Spirituality |
Grab a piece of paper and a pen and write out these two questions:
Where / who were you at this exact time a decade ago?
Who have you become?
Give yourself some time to reflect and write out your responses.
These two questions (and more – asked in a mastermind I am in) had me nearly in tears because I look back at that time with a lot of sadness when it should have been the most joyful time of my life. Instead, I reflect and feel how anxious, exhausted, and overwhelmed I was. I was a new-ish mom of three, raising them mostly as a single parent due to my husband’s job at the time, and thinking I could be super-woman and start a business at the same time: not to mention, and work nights. I look back, and the phrase that comes to mind is I was bat-shit crazy — determined as well, yes. But it takes at least a slight level of crazy to think that I could do it all and still retain balance (What the heck is that, anyway? lol!) and my sanity.
We rarely take the time the time to reflect on the person we once were. It’s a shame not to celebrate the growth we’ve experienced along the way. Not to mention, the healing that’s taken place, the layers we’ve shed – only to become more of who we are and always were. The child in all of us screams to express himself or herself, and we forget, don’t we? What it’s like to love without judgment, cry without caution, and express ourselves without self-doubt and fear.
Who you want to be is who you once were. You already were that person as a child — our childhood’s hold all the keys and clues to our adult selves. As a kid, I was curious about the spiritual side of things; astrology, palm reading, etc.. I’m finding my way back to my curious nature, that I had lost sight of while I was knee-deep in diapers. And, after years of life without faith, then finding it again, and feeling a spiritual connection, so many shifts have taken place in my life. What is happening for me presently, is that the more I am connecting to that part of me, the more healing I am experiencing on a deeper, more connected, and spiritual level. So, to some, I probably sound pretty woo-woo right now. And, that’s fine. I can only tell the truth about myself, and your spiritual path is yours and yours alone, too.
While grief recovery opened me up to healing, becoming holy fire reiki certified has deepened my healing in a way I can’t quite even explain myself yet. I had quite the experience at my certification training. I know I will be taking the next level of master training next year, too. I’ve found listening to my intuition hasn’t steered me wrong and has led to some incredible experiences. Why stop now?
Looking back and reflecting on how we see our past selves can bring up a lot of feelings, which is good. It’s in the feelings that we will find what needs healing. And, it’s in feelings that we know more clearly what it is we don’t want, so we can yes to more of what we do.
So, who do you want to be?
Grief Stories, Growth |
Grief often feels like you’re stuck on a round-about.
There are many choices that you’re faced with daily and decisions to be made. But, you find yourself going round and round most days, almost in a daze. You mindlessly circle ’round, watching people pass you by, making moves and decisions that move them forward. However, there you are, caught up in an endless mind-fog of indecision. You find yourself stuck – like a hamster on a wheel.
If grief were a photograph, this is what I imagine it would’ve looked like – for me, that is.
Opportunity can be found everywhere if you look hard enough. When your heart is grieving, though, and you haven’t healed the darkest corners of your heart that reach far into the depths of your childhood, life can feel hopeless – not opportunistic.
So, what are you to do when you’re feeling lost on the round-about? You decide to take a look – deep within the darkest corners, to discover what’s there for you to heal. What is aching to be released? What tragedy has consumed your spirit and dimmed your light?
It is in asking better questions where we discover more profound answers. And, you won’t find them mindlessly going ’round and ’round.
Get off the round-about and step into the leading role of your life again. It’s been waiting for you.
Childhood Grief, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness |
Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I’ve changed as a parent, and in my parenting style, since completing grief recovery and certification.
Before grief recovery, particularly in the last five years, I recognize that the anger I’ve carried within me since childhood has often gotten the best of me. As a newer parent, when my children were young, the pressure of taking care of the kids in the day-to-day (often alone) was very isolating and overwhelming. It makes me sad that I don’t feel like I truly enjoyed those years as much as I could have. But, when your spouse’s job takes them away, often for days at a time, you don’t have time to dwell on such things. You simply carry the parenting torch sleep-deprived and, in my case, with anger, too.
I can’t imagine what it’s like for the parent left behind when their spouse deploys. I have much admiration for the parents that carry the parenting torch alone when their spouse deploys – which, comes too, with grief for all involved. And, I certainly have empathy when a parent is left to parent alone when it’s due to the death of their beloved.
What Grief Recovery Taught Me about Parenting
What I have come to know and learn through grief recovery work is we all, each and every one of us, carries our inner-child within us. And, we all carry the stories, bruises, hurt, sadness, etc. that we experienced in childhood, too. We learn at a young age how to cope, or rather, not cope, with all of our emotions. We will continue to parent our children in the present with a veil of sadness, anger, or hurt we carry unless we own and heal our inner-child. We will also teach from a place that lacks boundaries – because we teach what we know.
If we were raised by our parents getting anything and everything we wanted and never had to take responsibility for our actions, what are we learning? Similarly, what if we never had to experience consequences resulting from our behavior? Or, on the flip side, what if we’re raised by dictating, rigid, controlling parents? We, too, will raise our children this way. My point is, no matter which camp you were raised in, you likely have some grief as a result. Parents who bail out, excuse, and over-indulge likely didn’t share an emotional connection with their child – or didn’t know how; the important stuff was swept under the rug. On the flip-side, those who raise their children in a dictating, rigid, controlling way – likely, too, lack emotional connection with their child.
In full transparency, I fell into the camp of dictating and controlling and, until grief recovery, hadn’t recognized that’s what my parenting style had been. This parenting gig is the hardest job ever. By no means, are there any experts because we all learn along the way because, too, every child is different. The consequence of not connecting the dots of our inner-child wounds to our parenting style is that we will continue to raise our kids how we were taught. And, the vicious cycle will continue. The way we learned to process our emotions (or not deal them) as kids, has a direct impact on how we teach our children to deal with theirs.
Consequences of Not Healing Your Inner-Child
Rather than parenting to control, fix, serve, or dictate, we can learn how not to project our pain onto our kids. And instead, approach parenting from a place of connection and acceptance rather than who we think our kids should be. We are born perfect but along the way, we often learn we are less than. So, we do our damndest to become more than – prettier, skinnier, faster, smarter, etc., but often end up self-destructing because of the inner-child saying, “you’ll never measure up.”
Regardless of which way the pendulum swings for you, either way, you likely have self-worth issues. Either you’re always working to reach higher; be, have, do, and achieve more. Or, you’ve never actually believed you had potential in the first place (and did anyone encourage you), so why try?
Grief recovery has been a gift beyond my inner-child wounds; bringing to light the errors of my ways in parenting. It’s allowed me the necessary space to learn and grow and become emotionally healthier for me, so I can better connect and express myself toward my kids. I’ve quit saying, “I’m proud,” and instead of say, “you should be proud of yourself.” You may not think anything of that, but the truth of what you’re saying is that your child has the power to make you feel a certain way. Which, goes against a fact we already know: we are responsible for our own feelings, no one else.
It has been in learning to re-parent the inner-child within me that has helped me grow in my parenting style. I see things in my kids now that I don’t believe I noticed before. Our oldest, 14, is a deep thinker like myself, but he also has big emotions like I do, too. So, I’ve learned I need to remind him he’s responsible for those big emotions, no one else. Our middle, almost 13, has been more open about her feelings than before. I’ve been able to help her understand that our emotions have a direct impact on our bodies. She’s learned that the mind-body connection is a real thing, and I’ve felt more prepared to help her. It was through grief recovery, where I gained the same understanding. And, our youngest, 10, lights up when she’s sharing a story or personal experience, and she never leaves out any details. This has translated into my understanding that she also requires lots of more information to feel secure and confident in situations or in knowing what is happening next.
The amount of awareness grief recovery has brought me is more than I could ever possibly put into words. I’ve said it before, and I’ll repeat it, grief recovery is a gift you give yourself that will keep on giving. Our children were not given to us to fill some need or deficit in our lives. And if you think about it, that’s a lot of pressure to put on another human being. What we crave is the fundamental human need – connection. However, the first (and most important) connection we need to focus on is the one with ourselves. Everything else in our lives flows from that and any issues we encounter in our lives, parenting or otherwise, leads back to us – and our inner child.
All roads lead back to us. Always.
Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed |
Today’s post has been brewing for a while, based on some conversations I’ve been having with others as of late.
Have you ever given any thought to the idea that within difficult relationships, how much power you’re giving to that person when you find yourself having a highly charged emotional reaction in response to feeling wronged or hurt by that person?
That’s a lot of power you’re putting in that other person’s hands, don’t you think? That you’ve handed over so much control of your heart and mind to them on a silver platter?
Or, flip it around, how about the power you have over the other person? Do you relish in it? Do you seek it? If so, in what ways? Why do you feel that control is necessary for you to have? Is it a “get them before they get me” mindset?
Sometimes, it’s a different perspective that helps us flip something in our heart and mind to realize that, wow, this is power I don’t want or need or, shifting ownership of the other person’s thoughts and feelings.
You do not need to take ownership of other people’s thoughts and feelings – those are the responsibility of the other person and frankly, are none of your business. If someone could read your mind and hear your every thought, you wouldn’t like that very much, would you? I know I’d be quite uncomfortable with it. But, hey – imagine it though, for a second. If we all walked around with bubbles above our heads that displayed what we were thinking. Wow! Seriously…you’d never have to guess what someone thought of you or you’d maybe have more compassion or empathy for that person when you see they’re sad but are treating you badly.
We use stories to make sense of the world around us and to process our inner-world. But, what story are you telling yourself when it comes to those relationships with those who’ve wronged or hurt you? That’s the power you’re handing over, do you see that? There is always an emotional energy exchange in relationships. The question is, what part are you going to own? You can only take ownership of your thoughts, your feelings, and your reaction.
Reclaim your power in relationships by creating boundaries of what is yours and what is theirs – to own in the relationship. Like we tell our kids all the time when they’re fighting with each other and say “You make me so mad!” No, my dear, no one can make you mad, you make yourself mad.” They hate hearing it every time. But, it’s the truth. We need to take ownership of our feelings. Rather than saying “you” say “I.” I am so mad. There – that’s more honest, isn’t it? That’s telling the truth – about yourself, right?
This is one of the many gifts of grief recovery I’ve been given. We aren’t taught this stuff in school. Our parents likely don’t teach this stuff to us either because they grew up walking around pointing fingers and blame, too. This is generational learning I’ve talked about in previous blog posts and it’s an epidemic.
Take back your power. And, in doing so, you’re sending it back to the person whose likely been giving it to you, too.
If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, in our society, will benefit from our peace. – Thich Nhat Hanh
Grief, Grief Stories, Growth, Spirituality |
I want to share a passage today that I recently read that resonated with me so very much. As of late, I’ve been thinking about this very thing; looking back at my life as I recently shared my loss history graph during a One-on-One grief recovery session.
In case you don’t know, when you go through the program I facilitate, I always, always go first – meaning, I share my losses, grief, and heartache – first. It’s been twice now, sharing my loss history graph, and each time, I have been made aware of what I need to work on healing currently. Such was the case this very week. The process of healing is ongoing. The more you utilize this program, the more whole your heart becomes. I’ve said it before, and I’ll repeat it (and again and again): this program is the gift you give yourself that keeps on giving.
Read this message, I share with you today and know I believe this to be true with every fiber of my being.
Every challenge, every gief, every heartache brings a deep hunger and a well of tears. The emptiness inside us reminds us that our ultimate hunger, and our ultimate source of nourishment, is God alone.
If you are in a time of struggle or pain, know that this is not random; it isn’t heartless or without purpose. No matter what it is, no matter how big the chasm of your broken heart, God is with you. He has a plan for you. He will redeem and repurpose every bit of your ache for something greater than you could ever imagine. If that sounds unfathomable or impossible right now, all the better. Because when you get to the other side of this, you will be amazed at what He was doing for you behind the scenes.
Watch, wait, and wonder. – Kristen Armstrong
There was a time when I had lost all hope. I had rejected God and faith altogether for many years. In fact, I blamed God (and others, but God was a biggie). How angry and sad I was. It wasn’t depression. It was grief; a profound weight I had been carrying for many, many years that continually got heavier and heavier with every subsequent emotional loss I experienced. I had experienced a loss of self-worth, loss of trust, loss of faiths…loss of hope. Until one day, I decided to say a prayer. I had no idea the work He would do behind the scenes. And even still, looking back on my life this week during the One-on-One session, I know everything changed when I decided I was ready. My life turned around when I started to sweep my side of the street and allowed God in to do His work within me. And, it’s been a relationship-in-progress ever since. Do I falter? Yes, I’m only human. Do I feel conflicted at times? Of course.
However, this week I was reminded there have been greater powers at work in my life. I would be an alcoholic, likely a single mother, and I can confidently say, I wouldn’t be doing this meaningful work either or have the family I have – had I not deeply desired and asked for more. I never imagined I’d have a blog about grief for a business that helps others navigate their emotional pain. No – I am where I am because I became open to receiving and had the willingness to do my part.
Watch, wait, and wonder. I wouldn’t have believed you if you had had a crystal ball and told me in 2002 where I would be and what I would be doing on September 13th, 2019. It would have been unfathomable and felt impossible to me then.
We don’t know what we don’t know. And life has a funny way of proving it to us time and time again. So, wake up to your potential in this one life you’ve been given – it’s waiting for you to do your part. Begin a quest, for your heart, to discover who you are, why you do what you do, what got you to where you are and demand more for yourself so you can give and receive – fully and wholeheartedly.
What feels unfathomable and impossible today – give it to God and then decide you’re going to do your part; making the commitment to show up for yourself every single day. He’s been patiently waiting for you to be ready.
And when the time is right, and healing is calling your name, I am here for you, too.
P.S. Liked this post? Share it with a hurting heart that could use this message today. And, did you know I share more personal stuff in my newsletter? I do! My favorite peeps get the inside deets. 😉 Sign up below or here and each Wednesday, starting next week, you’ll receive The Unleashed Letters – written with love from me to you.
P.P.S. Have a question about grief, in general? Email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com, and I’ll answer it here on the blog next week. I will not use personal identifying information – that’s a promise.
