Grief, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness |
When there is a decision you need to make, how do you decide? Or, if there is something you know you need to let go of, how do you come to the decision to take action?
A simple question you could ask yourself is this: “Does it feel heavy or light?” But is that even so simple? I’m challenging this idea in today’s post, so we’ll see where it takes me.
Typically, I share my blog posts every Friday, but, this past week, I was swamped between work and prepping for a presentation. I gave my first presentation yesterday to a room of educators on the topic of grief in children and teens. After the presentation, I had some work that I needed to do and a blog post to write. But, I just didn’t have it in me. The night before, I had gotten very little sleep. I was wiped out and the week had caught up to me. Mid-week, it felt like I was also coming down with something – so far so good.
Someone had shared a photo on Instagram that posed this question: “Does it feel heavy or light?” And, it’s gotten me thinking.
Did doing this presentation feel heavy? Yes, but not in a way that gave me a feeling that I shouldn’t do it. In fact, it felt heavy because of the weight of importance I had given it. Did I feel light in the process of giving it? Yes – energized even! I was excited to share what I’ve learned about grief and, with children/teens, in particular. This talk was about prevention. Prevention is also what the 4-week Helping Children with Loss program is about, too.
Circling back to the initial question; what does heaviness feel like, anyway? I would describe it as this feeling of resistance, tension within the body, and an intuitive knowing that it’s not easy.
If you’ve thought about participating in my next Grief Recovery Group starting August 28th, perhaps it’s a feeling of heaviness that comes over you that I described?
And here’s where I take issue with this question. Sometimes, it’s the hardest things we ever do in our lives that are the very things needing to be done. Going through the method myself, I knew what to expect – somewhat, but I knew, going in, that what I was dealing with was feeling extremely heavy.
So, perhaps this question works to ask yourself if you should go out with your friends in the evening or if it’s a Sunday afternoon and Netflix sounds better than an online meeting.
A Follow-Up Question to Ask Yourself
When it comes to the big decisions in our lives, I don’t think it’s a simple question, such as described in the first paragraph, that will help you with your next step. Maybe the best next question is: “Why?”
I wanted to educate and make an impact, with my talk, to those educators. I wanted to spread the word about the Helping Children with Loss program. I wanted to challenge myself in a way I never before had. Finally, I wanted to see how I would feel about the possibility of doing more public speaking.
Had I only asked myself if doing this felt heavy or light, I wouldn’t have done it. Yesterday in my talk, I spoke about the thought and feeling process. First, we have a thought, which is followed by a feeling, which is then followed by either action – or inaction. But, it also depends on how we choose to label the thought -with either a positive or a negative. When I first considered doing this talk, I gave the idea a positive label.
Therefore, the feelings that followed were positive, too. And, the action that I took moved me in a positive direction to where I did follow through by doing the talk.
So, going back to if you’re asking yourself if you should join me in my next group, why does it feel light? Or, more likely, why does it feel heavy?
Having gone through it myself and witnessed others going through it as well, I already know your answer.
The better question to ask yourself now is why? Why are you resisting? Why are you not listening to your heart?
At the core, is the more significant, million-dollar question that’s the hardest to answer because of the overwhelm of it…
WHAT DO I WANT?
We’re taught how to acquire things but not what to do when we lose them. And we’re taught that wanting more for ourselves is somehow wrong and selfish.
Do you want to heal your heart? If so, why?
What are you waiting for? If not now – then when?
P.S. If you’d like to register for the next group program in Wishek at the Wishek Senior Center starting Wednesday, August 18th at 7PM, please email me to do so at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com – or, get in touch if you have any questions. You can also message me on Facebook, too.
Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness |
The perk of spending a lot of time behind the wheel in my day job is that I get a lot of open road time which equates to a lot of thinking/pondering/dreaming/planning/personal development time.
You may be scratching your head about the last one. Rightfully so; how can driving equate to personal development time, you ask? The answer: podcasts & audible books. I’m not particularly fond of Audible books because I am old-school; I like to doggy-ear the pages, highlight, and take notes. My books typically look used by the time I’m through them. However, I’ve gotten in the habit of listening to podcasts when I drive. I’ll usually listen to some feel-good music as I’m getting closer to home, but I can knock out a half-dozen podcast episodes in a day. But not just any podcast episodes; I like those that challenge my thinking, help me open my mind and heart in some way, and nurture the evolution of my very being.
As an entrepreneur, there’s a lot of noise out there. It can be challenging to discern who to listen to and what advice to take. First and foremost, there is no better advice in this world than that which we receive from our very own heart. That aside, I heard something recently on a podcast where the entrepreneur-host stated this: how you do one thing is how you do everything.
I wanted to share that statement with you because I haven’t stopped thinking about it. Perhaps it will have you reflecting on the daily actions you take in your life, too. How you do one thing is how you do everything.
If we apply this to grief and all the ways we’ve learned to deal (or rather, not deal) with our emotional pain than knowing what I know about grief and the myths the overall majority of us learn, then it’s safe to say that we don’t deal very well with emotional suffering of any kind. That includes the roller-coaster of life we all ride in our marriages, in parenting, in our friendships, careers, etc..
Do you find yourself avoiding hard conversations? Do you tend to sleep in in the morning rather than get up, put on some tennis shoes and hit the gym or get out in nature for a walk? Have you given up on something important to you? Do you often feel bad about yourself?
I’ll be honest – the statement hit me hard. I’ve been struggling with tending to my physical body for the past couple of months. I’ve also not been doing the things that help me feel at peace at the start of my day. And, it got me thinking about how neglecting the things I believe are essential to my well-being translates to other areas of my life.
If I’m not taking care of me, what else am I not taking care of in my life? Where is my energy directed that leaves me with the feeling something is out of balance? When I get hyper-focused, I tend to zone out to the world around me, and I often neglect my well-being in the process. How can we regain balance again? We do this by addressing all facets of our lives and taking even small actions and setting even small goals each day. Like I said in this Instagram post, ya gotta decide. So, what’s stopping me? Well, the same person that’s stopping you. I am stopping me. You are stopping you.
Grief Hardens Our Hearts
Reflecting on my life through grief recovery has connected so many dots for me. Grief steals so much more that goes beyond the initial loss (whether it’s a loved one, loss of trust/career/home, divorce, abuse (physical/emotional). And, grief experiences stacked on top of one another hardens our hearts over time. So, it makes total sense to me that how we grieve is how we live.
I’ve come a long way in my grief. I am more proud of the person I am today than I was before grief recovery because it’s begun to soften my heart. Also, for the first time, I feel a sense of self-worth and confidence that has changed me in other ways, too. I am bolder than ever and am not afraid to share what’s on my heart, including my struggles. And, right now, I struggle to find what feels good for me physically and then just doing it. I’ve heard it said that if you wait until your motivated to exercise, you’ll be waiting forever. Ain’t that the truth?! I guess it comes down to deciding then doing. And, for whatever reason, everything else but exercise has come to me more quickly – as far as making a decision and then doing.
A Few Q’s to Explore
- How does the statement: how you do one thing is how you do everything resonate with you?
- What is the first thing that pops into your mind?
- In what areas of life do you feel you’re not meeting your potential, and how do you think that translates to other areas of your life?
Have a wonderful weekend! Go create some adventure; even if it’s in your backyard! Great advice for me – and you! Like I heard in a recent podcast interview where the guy dares you to go climb a tree! Even if you think you’re too old or too whatever – try it! I dare you to go play!
Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources, Spirituality |
A while back on Facebook (and Instagram), I shared the difference between grief and loss. Grief is the undelivered communications that keep you stuck and unable to feel joy when you think about the relationship. Loss is about the feelings of missing the relationship and feeling sad they’re gone.
Just as there are differences between grief and loss, there are differences between healing and recovery, too.
Healing versus Recovery
We can experience healing and feel better for a time; however, recovery has long-term effects that healing may not.
Recovery (grief recovery, in particular) encompasses all parts of ourselves; mental, physical, emotional, and may also include spiritual well-being, too. When we feel like we’re healing, we can feel better in these areas as well. However, you may have to utilize several modes of healing that target specific aspects (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual). Often, the feel-good feelings are experienced only as long as you are participating in those healing practices. Some modes of healing (like meditation) may have a longer-lasting positive influence. But again, they don’t have long-term effects unless you’re continually doing these types of activities in your daily life. For example, a massage feels fantastic for the hour you’re receiving it. It helps heal the muscle tissue and can have you feeling better for a few days afterward. However, once the feel-good feelings wear off, and you go back to your daily life, you’ll be ready for another massage.
Alternative Methods for Healing
Over the years, I’ve incorporated many different modes of healing into my life. For example, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), an alternative treatment for physical or emotional distress. It’s also referred to as tapping or psychological acupressure. People who use this technique believe tapping the body can create a balance in your energy system and treat pain. For me, it had helped to release emotional energy, especially at the beginning of 2014, when I first began to look for ways to help myself feel better.
In 2014, I also began using essential oils (for aromatherapy and overall health versus chemicals). Since then, I’ve created many different blends for all sorts of things. One mix I use religiously (especially when traveling) is a blend for those times I am having gut issues. I keep it in my purse at all times, actually, and yes – it does help me when I am experiencing bloating/gut ache. I recommend checking out this article that shares both sides of essential oils. Use at your discretion and take what you read with a grain of salt. Aside from personal use, I also use Young Living products for my home, like the Thieves cleaner, for example. Also, because I don’t burn candles for an aroma, and, although I do use wax melts, I like the flexibility of scents I have with essential oils, too. It’s all personal preference, but after five years, I still use them nearly daily.
Over the last few years, I’ve also incorporated meditation into my life. I’ve tried several different apps, including Headspace and Calm; however, my latest favorite is the Insight Timer. I also enjoy reading non-fiction in the arena of personal development and spiritual writings, too. On the topic of exercise, we know it’s good for us in all areas of life. It’s also been one of the areas I’ve often struggled to stay consistent with because I tend to get easily bored. I jump from one at-home program to the next, because, as I’m getting older, it’s become more challenging to find something I enjoy doing daily. I do like yoga, and at one point I could do a tripod headstand. However, I feel like it requires so much time. Or, maybe I see yogi’s doing yoga for an hour or more on the regular and feel overwhelmed by that level of commitment. Probably more of the latter.
When it comes to healing and looking for ways to improve our quality of life, ultimately, we must do what feels good, right? All of the things I’ve previously mentioned have been great at helping me to feel better (for a time), but they didn’t help me to recover.
8 Week Emotional Boot Camp
Grief recovery is a journey you take your heart on just as healing is a marathon and not a sprint. I think of grief recovery as a sprint; there isn’t anything else out there that can take you from feeling chained to the past and emotionally bogged down to emotional freedom. And, in eight weeks, as the Grief Recovery Method can. It may not feel good in the process, but anything good for us isn’t always a walk in the park. Remember my mention of exercise? Consider the Grief Recovery Method your 8-week emotional boot camp. I’ve gone through army boot camp and truth be told – my life was changed by both experiences. However, it’s during The Grief Recovery Method, where I grew in ways I only wish I had known about sooner.
Are you ready for your 8-week emotional boot camp experience? Although you will be pushed and challenged in ways you can’t yet understand, I’m a lot kinder than a drill sergeant. At the end of the eight weeks, you’ll see the fruits of your labor – minus the 6-pack, of course.
Join me in my next boot camp…errr…Grief Recovery group. I’d love to have you! I’m looking for at least four brave souls who are ready to unleash themselves of their past hurt. Do you want to move forward in life feeling empowered with new tools for recovery (and healing) that no one can ever take from you? Once you learn this method, you will forever have it at your disposal.
What is your LIFE worth to YOU? What are YOU worth? Are you ready to UNLEASH your heart from your past?
We can begin early August in Wishek if you’re ready. I also want to start a group in the Bismarck/Mandan area if you or someone you know is ready to begin a new relationship to grief. Message me on Facebook or Instagram or email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com to get started!
Childhood Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness |
What is your first loss memory; the first time you experienced the death of a pet, loved one, or had to move away from friends/family, etc.? You may have also experienced an intangible loss, such as a loss of trust event as a child, too.
As adults, we don’t consider that the losses we experienced as young children (that cause grief) leave a lasting imprint on our hearts. However, they do. And the subsequent losses (that cause grief) we experience along the way is stacked on top of those previous losses.
Grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative, therefore, all of the undelivered communications you’ve accumulated in your life (and in your heart), creates a heaviness that only recovery alone can undo.
Ways Grief Stacks Up
When you’re young and you’ve lost your first pet, you’re likely taught that “it’s only a dog” and a dog can be replaced. But, what your parents don’t (or didn’t) understand was that to you, you felt like that dog was your only friend. And, you really can’t replace a beloved friend, can you?
When your family moves and you have to switch schools and forge new relationships, you’re also leaving old relationships behind. There may have been things, as a kid, you never got the chance to communicate to those you left behind. Or, perhaps there was a teacher who you felt close to, trusted, and who made you feel safe and you never got the chance to tell that teacher how much you appreciated them.
As a child, when you lose a loved one, adults may mistakenly make the assumption that, because you’re young, you don’t understand what’s going on – what it means when someone dies, etc.. So, there may be more grief experienced because, although you do understand, you’re not allowed the space and time to share your feelings around the loss.
Growing up, into the teen years, there are more grief experiences as well. Today, kids are dealing with bullying in a way that allows bullies to bully nearly 24/7 online and from their phones. There are self-image issues that many teens face as well. There may be struggles and challenges at home that has a negative impact on their education, too.
And, we all know that adulthood is filled with grief experiences. As adults, we experience relationships that come and go, choose careers that aren’t in alignment with our desires and values, marriages that turn out to be not meant-to-be, and parenthood brings with it grief at times, too. Also, as we age, our parents also age. We may become parent caregivers while raising families of our own.
When you start losing loved ones time after time, is when all of the unresolved feelings you’ve experienced over your life begin to come to the surface. When this happens, eventually, there will be one loss where all the grief will become too much to bear. You’ll find yourself pulled back in time, emotionally, to a previous loss you likely never dealt with or recovered from fully.
You may begin to feel stuck in your life. You may find yourself in the same types of situations or relationships over and over and over. You may feel as though you’ve lost a part of yourself and you find yourself searching in all the wrong places. Or perhaps you feel full of despair, regret, resentment, anger; all the emotions that had burrowed a deep hole within you.
Where Grief Begins
Grief isn’t something that begins in adulthood. You don’t know grief, for the first time, when your parent dies when you’re forty-five, for example. Grief experiences occurred long before that; you just haven’t seen the behaviors you’ve exhibited in your life as stemming from grief.
Grief, in adulthood, looks like gambling, addiction (porn, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.), chronic pain, high blood pressure, shopping, food, excess exercise, ulcers, stress, workaholism, approval-seeking behavior, and the list goes on and on. These are examples of short-term energy relieving behaviors or STERBS (affecting our emotional health) and a few examples of how grief manifests in our bodies (affecting our physical health).
Childhood Grief
When it comes to grief in children, I want to first illustrate a point. Human emotions in infants go from happy to sad, or sad to happy, without any apparent external stimulus. Infants communicate all feelings (sometimes, at the top of their lungs). They never question themselves until we start teaching them and showing them to not feel bad. Adults train children to believe that having sad feelings and communicating about those feelings is not okay. To the child’s developing mind, it becomes a simple choice: happy feelings are good and get rewarded vs. sad feelings are bad and get punished.
Grief, in children, is generally expressed the same as adults following a loss, for example. Sleeping patterns may change, eating patterns may change, too, and there’s an inability to concentrate. The way a child responds to grief is often the same because, monkey see, monkey do. In the example of a death of a loved one, if the parent isn’t communicating their sadness with their children and sharing in the loss and instead of going to be alone to grieve and cry because all they know (and were taught by well-meaning but misinformed people) is to be strong. Is it any surprise that the grieving child will do the same and not talk about their feelings?
Although adults (and teens) exhibit short-term energy relieving behaviors, they didn’t develop overnight in the teen and adult years. STERBS are the result of years of being taught unhelpful ways to respond to grief and the misinformation passed on since childhood.
Societal Impact of Grief
The rates of obesity, suicide, addiction, etc. have all been on the rise. Meanwhile, life expectancy rates have been on the decline, consistently, the past three years. These rates hadn’t changed since 1915-1918; life expectancy, in the U.S., had been on the rise ever since, until recent years, as previously mentioned. Check out the video below for recent statistical data information and the reasons the CDC provides insight into why life expectancy is declining.
After watching that short video, what do you think is at the root of the addiction, obesity, and suicide rates? Perhaps, it’s grief? Sounds too simple, right? I think not. Grief is anything but simple.
Self-Evaluation & Awareness
Take a self-examination of the behaviors you fall back on when you’re feeling emotional. Do you seek solace in the fridge, pill or liquor bottle, or another person’s bed? Do you close up and shut down the world around you? Or, do you find yourself angry at the world, consumed with negativity and pessimism?
Awareness is what we need to know what needs to change.
We don’t get to where we are in our adult lives (emotionally, physically, or mentally) overnight, friend. We are a work-in-progress of some form of self-destruction in some way or another. However, it’s never too late to choose to become a work-in-progress toward healing and recovery.
P.S. Are you interested in becoming a work-in-progress for healing and recovery? Message or email me to inquire about the evidence-based Grief Recovery Group Program.
Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Growth |
The following scenarios are fictional. They were written to deliver the message of how grief can show up in our lives – how it does show up in society. These examples are not meant to strike up a controversial conversation on hot-button issues. Rather, by means of making a point, that grief is all around us. We’ve just been so conditioned to see it one way and to respond in all the wrong ways.
Scenario One
On a warm, summer evening, a hurting heart is sitting on the steps to her home, noticeably sobbing, when her neighbor takes notice and asks: “Are you okay?” To which, the hurting heart replies, “We had to put our 15-year-old dog down this morning. Duke used to always sit next to me on the steps, and now he’s gone.” The neighbor, not knowing what to say, says what many well-intentioned people would say: “Oh, I’m so sorry; at least you can get another one!”
To the hurting heart, Duke is irreplaceable. But, because the loss of a pet is one of the most minimized losses (along with miscarriage) in society, the response is to replace the loss because dogs are a dime a dozen, right? This hurting heart has learned, from society’s response, that grieving the loss of a pet is nonsense and not comparable to the loss of human life. But, for many, their pet is their only companion. For many, their pet was their lifeline to the outside world, their comfort, and security. And, to the elderly or children, they provide unconditional love and joy. Pets disappoint humans far less than humans disappoint other humans. By the way, I can offer a 7-week Pet Loss Program. <3
Scenario Two
Unbeknownst to Clara (a single mom of four), a registered sex offender moves in next door. One day, her 10-year-old daughter asks to go in the backyard to play with their dog in the fenced yard. Not too long after, she comes into the house. Surprised, her mother asks her why she’s done playing outside so soon. Her daughter replied that the man next door was out, too, and was staring at her and asking her a bunch of questions that made her uncomfortable. The mother asks, “What kind of questions?” The daughter replied, “He asked me the color of my panties.” The mother is immediately reminded of her negative experience as a child and begins to feel all kinds of conflicting feelings.
There are moments in life that can be reminders of grief we’ve long locked away hidden in our hearts. There are reasons why we exhibit certain behaviors or have specific thoughts and feelings around certain situations in our lives. In this scenario, the mom is reminded of her grief. She’s enraged by the feelings of fear and confusion her daughter must have felt. And, she feels a sense of guilt because this person with a criminal past moved in next door and she had no idea. She is supposed to protect her children, that’s what mothers do. Even locked away grief can slap us in the face when we least expect it.
Scenario Three
A son marries his high school sweetheart, and together they have three children. They live only a couple of minutes away from grandparents, Joy, and Phil. To Joy and Phil, their grandchildren are their pride and joy; in retirement, they enjoy spending as much time as possible with the little loves in their lives. However, after only eight years of marriage, the couple calls it quits, the mother gains full custody and moves the children to the other side of the state. Suddenly, their entire world is shattered because their son has been unsuccessful in gaining parental rights due to false accusations and a court battle ensues. In the meantime, the grandparents (and their son), are not allowed visitation.
Grief can appear as hopelessness. We can grieve the living, just as we can grieve the dead. Let’s not forget that we all have a story and often, grief is woven into the stories of our lives. In this scenario, the father, along with his parents, all experience a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. They have unresolved communications with both the mother and the children about what they wish could be different, better, or more.
Scenario Four
Jennifer is a 19-year-old enjoying life. She’s living a few hours from her hometown attending a university and makes it home often to see her parents the first semester. However, only a couple weeks into the second semester, she quits going back. Her parents grow concerned; their daughter seems to have pulled away, not even calling home as often. They decide to get in the car, drive to the university to surprise their daughter and see what’s going on once and for all. They arrive to see their daughter looking ill; she’s lost weight and doesn’t appear to be like her old, bubbly self. Their daughter confesses that an acquaintance had raped her, which resulted in a pregnancy, and she chose to have an abortion.
This is a multi-faceted grief situation. In one-fell-swoop, there’s a loss of trust, loss of hopes, dreams, expectations, and all that could be different, better, or more. A child conceived that wasn’t her choice. A child lost that was and the guilt and shame that one may feel along with this scenario. The parents grieve the child they once had because this experience surely changes a young woman. They feel a sense of guilt for not doing more to protect their daughter, which, this situation was out of their hands but as a parent, you want to protect your child(ren). The parents also grieve a grandchild they will never know – a child that was, genetically, a part of their daughter, too. One event with many ripples and a deep sea of grief to go along with it.
Scenario Five
Amy and her mother have always been very close; they shared everything. As life went on, and her mother aged, Amy noticed her mother starting to forget appointments they had made. One time, while at her mother’s, she opened the cupboard, and to her surprise, there was a carton of spoiled milk. Amy thought all the things her mother had been forgetting were due to age; however, she now realized, it was more than that. And, within a few short months of finding that spoiled milk, her mother no longer remembered who Amy was.
Grief can find us longing for the ones we once knew and grieving for who they’ve become. Is it harder to bury someone we love after a long illness or to still be able to see our loved one where they’re not the same person they once were? It doesn’t matter. This is where comparison of loss is dangerous, in terms of how grief may impact those experiencing the deterioration of someone they love in this way. Caregivers especially, in this situation, can feel isolated in their grief. Comparison is cruel to those grieving. Simply – don’t do it; every relationship is different, including relationships within the same family.
Scenario Six
Gabe and Alexis were high-school sweethearts; so in love, they planned to attend the same university and later marry. They both excelled in school, were achieving great things on athletic scholarships, and had big ambitions in life. Both of their parents held education in high regard and insisted their children get their degrees before they marry, to which the young couple agreed. However, no one could have planned that, in their junior year, Alexis would become pregnant. Feeling torn, Alexis didn’t know what to do. She loved Gabe and had all of the hopes, dreams, and expectations for their careers and future; they weren’t ready for a baby! Inside her mind and heart, she played out all of the scenarios. In her heart, she felt the child needed the best chance he or she could have. Alexis also knew, financially, she and Gabe couldn’t meet all the of the needs a child has. They also didn’t want to burden their parents with raising their child either. Gabe, however, wanted to try to make it work. Alexis, however, had made her decision. She was going to give the baby up for adoption. And so she did.
So many scenarios that a parent could sit up all night worrying about. Parenting is the greatest teacher but also can bring with it, a lot of grief experiences. How do you think this loss will impact Gabe? Their relationship? Do you think they would stay together? How about the impact of this loss to the grandparents? Yes, we all need to make our decisions on what is best for ourselves, however, I don’t know that we always think about how our decisions impact others. For this situation, perhaps Alexis felt adoption was the best solution. Or, perhaps, all the ways she was taught to deal with grief since childhood impacted her decision, too. What you don’t know about this scenario is if Alexis actually gave her parents the choice if they wanted to raise the child or not. Either way – grief will be the outcome because there will likely be unresolved communication between all involved parties as a whole.
Scenario Seven
Jack and Elizabeth met online. They dated for well over a year when Jack proposed marriage. Both Jack and Elizabeth came from large families; Jack is one of 6 kids, and Elizabeth, the youngest of 5. So, from the beginning, they both wanted also to have a large family. However, after three years of marriage, and still no pregnancy, they go to an infertility doctor. Elizabeth found out she has polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). The chances of her ever becoming pregnant, naturally, are greatly diminished. And so, their infertility journey began.
This is one of those silent, behind-closed-doors, grief-causing scenarios. It’s taboo to talk about what’s happening between the sheets and that is also true when it comes to grief, I think. People want to avoid it like the plague; both make people uncomfortable – and yet, curious so, as a society, we can’t help ourselves. Combine the two and curiosity kills the cat when you’re a young, married couple who have yet to bring children into your marriage. Suddenly, you find yourself being reminded on the regular of your grief in the difficulty (or inability) to conceive when you’re constantly being asked why you’re not having children. On the flip-side, you have one, then it’s almost expected you’ll have two because society says a child needs a sibling. Have one girl and one boy, and society says “Well, I guess that about does it, you have one of each!” Children are not possessions and children are not a given in your life either. We all know this but yet we are so conditioned to think one way. We can’t see it any other way until we find ourselves in that position. Grief can also be experienced by those who make the conscious choice to not bring children into their lives, too; let’s not forget that.
Life isn’t Fiction
I could go on and on and on – flexing my fiction-writing muscles. However, in truth, these scenarios (and many, many others) play out in lives every, single day, and they play out everywhere. Perhaps one of these is relatable to you? If so, my heart goes out to you. Grief is grief, no matter how you dice it, so no matter the circumstances in which you’re experiencing it today, I send you love and encouragement today. Recovery is possible.
Since becoming certified, I’ve heard countless stories, have received numerous messages, and have had conversations while out and about, with people who grieve. I hear time and time again things like “…but, I’m doing better,” “I give it all to God,” or “things could be worse.” All the while, however, their eyes are welling up with tears as they minimize their feelings. Having and relying on one’s faith is a wonderful part of the healing process. I would argue, however, if you rely on your faith alone for recovery, you’ll never experience what recovery truly is. I have a post brewing about faith and grief, but in the meantime, I’ll say that faith and recovery are not the same.
Causes of Grief Not Linked to a Death
Grief is not only about the death of someone close to us. Grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations and the conflicting feelings that come from what we hoped would be or would have been different, better or more. It does not take the death of a loved one for grief to exist.
- Abandonment in childhood
- Loss of trust
- Loss of relationship to someone living
- Finding out you were adopted
- Finding out your mother/father wasn’t your biological parent, that your parent had an affair and kept it hidden
- Divorce
- Infertility
- Bankruptcy
- Loss of Career
- Loss of Faith
- Moving
…All of the above (and then some) cause conflicting feelings, which may result in unresolved communication, which, in turn, causes grief.
Grief is often the root of what is going wrong in our lives (addiction, gambling, shopping, workaholism, promiscuity, health issues, approval-seeking behaviors, etc.) because we carry our past grief with us and greatly influences every aspect of our lives. And, because grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative (you’ll hear me say this many times), it’s imperative to your happiness and well-being that it is addressed. Grief stacked upon grief, on top of more grief – takes a toll. Everyone has a breaking point. There is only so much loss the heart can endure.
We minimize our losses to convince ourselves “we’re fine” and we apologize for our tears or pretend “we’re okay” as to not burden others with our problems. However, in all this effort to mask, conceal, and hide our pain, we’re also keeping the truth locked up like Fort Knox. And, when we’re not telling the truth about ourselves, we’re even lying to ourselves and others. What do you think that does to the psyche and heart over time?
Can You Imagine?
What if sharing our grief was no longer a burden? What if everyone was on the same page of understanding of what grief is and had the knowledge and understanding of it that enabled people to be a heart with ears? We have to start asking ourselves what it means to show ourselves (and others) compassion. As children, we naturally know how to do this – it’s we adults that pass on our influenced learning to the younger generation that is all wrong.
This world would be an entirely different place if we understood one thing: grief. What it is, what to do about it, and how to help others through it. I don’t believe we would have the suicide rates we do. I don’t think we would have the addiction problems we do. I don’t think we would have the number of broken homes we do. I don’t believe we would have the homelessness rate we do. I don’t think we would have the credit card debt we do. I don’t think we would have rates of eating disorders, abortions, and STD’s that we do – and then some. I could go on and on here, too, but you get the idea.
Moving Forward
Having read up to this point (thank you, by the way – I know it’s a doozy of a post), take stock of the losses you’ve experienced in your life; listing them down on paper as you go. It is eye-opening when you sit down and see your life of loss, staring back at you in black and white. And then you have a choice, my friend, to either remain a victim of your grief, or to take 1% responsibility in how you will react to it, and finally take action for recovery. Support groups where everyone shares about their grief can feel helpful, and they are, in terms of creating a supportive environment and community, where otherwise, grievers tend to isolate (side note: check out the Netflix series “Dead to Me;” I’m hooked!). Therapy/Coaching is terrific, too, in its way, given you have a therapist/coach that can connect with you, creates a safe environment, and offers a means to cope. However, you’re likely not to experience recovery from grief in these situations.
How do you know if you’re not recovered?
- When you think about your loss or losses, and positive thoughts and memories turn negative.
- It becomes challenging to do things you used to because they serve as painful reminders.
- When you find yourself repeating the same negative behaviors, there’s inner-work to be done.
- If the thought of moving on feels like you’re forgetting or disregarding the person/relationship.
- If you find yourself going from job to job to job or relationship to relationship to relationship – there’s inner-work to be done.
- You have secrets you have never shared with another soul.
- There is no longer joy in the things that once brought you great pleasure.
- Etc.
A Tip
If you ever find yourself in the situation of someone else emotionally suffering, it’s compassionate to ask: “What happened?” Allow that person to cry and share without judgment, criticism, or analyzing; be a heart with ears and do not share about your losses, if you genuinely care about theirs. But, don’t be surprised if you receive an “I’m fine” in response. Chances are if the tables were turned, you’d respond the same way. Let’s start changing the way we respond to grief; future generations depend on it. Let’s take something that is normal and natural and actually make it feel normal and natural.
P.S. Interested in joining the next group or a future program? There are various program options from the 4-week Helping Children with Loss Program, 7-week Pet Loss Program, the 8-week Grief Recovery Group or 1:1 Program that’s non-specific to any one kind of grief. Message me about the specific program you’re interested in and I can get you on a waiting list.
Grief, Growth, Resources |
When grievers are dealing with the emotional pain of a loss of any kind, they are constantly bombarded with advice that negatively impacts them. Most professional grief support providers know better than to say many of these things. The problem is that the vast majority of people trying to support them have no professional training. Their immediate friends try to be helpful, but just do not have the best information at their disposal to provide meaningful support.
Many of us have been told what not to say to grievers. The problem with a list of “don’ts” is that it is easy to forget. The reality is that things sometimes pop out of our mouths before we think of how those comments might be perceived. Rather than offering a list, we will be looking at a few of those comments and explain why they can be painful to the griever.
Please keep in mind that there is an enormous difference between “intention” and “perception”. Most people never intend to upset those grieving by offering advice. They are desperately trying to provide help and support. The problem arises in how the griever perceives the comment. Grievers have a reduced sense of concentration and may be highly sensitive to what they hear. Things that they might normally dispute or ignore can cut like a knife to the heart. That is why these well-intentioned remarks need to be avoided.
“Get Over It!”
No caring person wants to see another suffering. We naturally want them to feel better! After an arbitrary amount of time, many think that the passage of that time should somehow make a difference in how the griever is responding to their loss. This is frequently when people tell them that they need to “Get over it!” The reality is that when something major happens in our lives, we never “get over” it. The memories of that event will be with us forever. With the proper education and assistance, we can learn to “survive and thrive” in spite of that event.
Telling someone to get over it is often perceived as telling that person that the loss they experienced is not significant enough that it should continue to impact their life. If that loss was significant enough to cause grief, it will continue to impact their life on some level. The degree of impact is not controlled by time. Time only passes by and sets that emotional pain into place as part of their “new normal”. When that happens, not only does the griever not get over it, but rather continues to live that pain silently. They start stuffing their feelings to avoid hearing this painful suggestion again and again.
A far better thing to do is to let them know that it is possible to take grief recovery action to lessen that emotional pain. By taking such action, they will be able, once again, to enjoy the many positive memories of that relationship.
“I know how your feeling…”
No one knows how anyone else feels over their loss. It does not matter if you have had a very similar loss. You may remember how you felt after your loss, but that does not mean that you have a clue about what is going on inside this griever. Their feelings are based on their personal relationship, which is obviously different than the relationship that you grieved. When grievers hear people say this, they know it is not the truth.
For the griever experiencing the very personal emotional pain of their individual loss, hearing people continually say these words, as a means of comfort, can eventually result in anger and disbelief on a level similar to what is experienced. To make matters worse, even members of their own family, who have experienced the same loss, do not really know how others in that family are feeling.
If you have experienced a similar loss, it is better to say, “I know how it felt to me when I was dealing with _____, but how are you doing right now?” If you ask this, be willing to listen to their answer, without analysis, criticism, or judgment. Understand that there is little you can say at that moment to make this better. If you have not had a similar loss, but want to say something, you might begin with, “I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through at this time…” and invite them to tell you how they are feeling.
“They are in a better place…”
Even if you knew the deceased and are certain of this family’s faith convictions, this may or may not reflect what they are thinking. Furthermore, that person may be in a better place, but that does not make the loss any less emotionally painful, because the family is stuck here and has to deal with everything in “this place”.
The reality of things is that a person who is deeply grieving a death and constantly hearing this from others might possibly consider suicide so that they can join that person in that “better place.” This is obviously a worse case emotional response. If the family’s faith involves belief in an afterlife, they do not need constant reminders. If they are not people who hold this as part of their personal faith, it is a comment that holds no value for them.
“You shouldn’t feel bad because…”
Emotional loss is painful. Telling people why they should not feel sad does little to change that pain. If anything, they may begin to feel bad about the fact they are experiencing pain. No matter what reason you may have to offer on why they should not feel bad, it has very little impact on their level of emotional pain.
The perception of many grievers, on hearing this, is that their personal pain is not something that matters.
“You must be feeling…”
Grief can be very much like being on a roller coaster. The feelings associated with any grieving experience can, at times, be overwhelming. At other moments, the griever may feel relatively at peace with their situation. The problem, for those trying to offer support, is that we can never truly know where they are on this emotional ride. No matter what you think, you never really know how they are feeling and to suggest that you do, can easily be taken as another example of “I know how you feel”.
Grievers get very tired of people telling them how to feel. If you suggest that they are feeling sad, and at that moment they are not, they may now feel bad for not feeling what you suggested their feeling should be.
It is, again, far better to invite them to share their feelings instead.
“You shouldn’t feel guilty…”
Grievers may or may not feel bad about some of the choices they have made. Suggesting, before they say anything, that they should not feel guilty, frequently makes them think of all of the reasons why they should feel guilty. Many grievers never associated their feelings of loss with guilt until someone suggested that they should not feel guilty.
Introducing the concept of feeling guilty encourages the griever to feel that they are somehow responsible for the loss. This is rarely the case.
If on their own, grievers tell you that they are feeling guilty, it might be helpful to ask them if they are instead thinking of things they wish might have been different, better, or more in that relationship. If they say yes to this, you might begin to talk about the Grief Recovery Method actions they can take to better express and deal with those feelings.
“You should be grateful for…”
Grievers sometime perceive this as another way of discounting the honest pain they are feeling. While they might feel grateful that their loved one is no longer suffering, that does not mean that they, the griever, are not suffering.
“It was God’s will…” or “God never gives us more than we can handle…”
I have heard this expression passed on to grievers more times than I can begin to count. This may or may not reflect their personal religious belief.
This comment sometimes causes people to question their personal faith in a God that would “take their loved one from them.” Children can be particularly sensitive to this comment. In a number of situations, I have heard a friend or clergy member tell a child that “God needs your Daddy more than you!” While this is meant to be comforting, that is rarely the case. These children are often left questioning their relationship with their faith.
“They led a full life…”
This may be true, but many of us wish that we still had more time to share.
As with many statements that people make to grievers, this one is based on an element of logic. The problem is that grief is emotional and not logical. It speaks to their head, rather than their heart. As a result, it offers little or no comfort.
“You need to keep busy…”
Keeping busy does keep our minds occupied, but it does little to relieve the emotional pain of loss. When the busy work ends, the pain is still there. It is not uncommon for grievers to keep themselves busy to the point of exhaustion. They continue to repeat this cycle over and over, thinking that on some level, it will help them get beyond their emotional pain.
Keeping busy solves nothing. It is not helpful advice. Grievers would be better served with being offered recovery actions to help them move beyond the loss, rather than just being offered busy work, which encourages them to stuff their feelings.
Most of these statements and comments are things that all of us have heard other people say when we were growing up. If you think back to your childhood when adults told you to get over it and other bits of unhelpful advice, those comments likely did not make anything better. Since you heard these things from the people you trusted, you very likely still tried to make them work for your situation. It was not until I took advanced training in helping grievers that I have finally realized that they had become part of my belief system growing up, too, and that I needed to avoid falling back on repeating them to grievers.
As a grief support professional, my goal is to help grievers move through and beyond the emotional pain of loss. There is a high probability that others have encouraged you, intentionally or unintentionally, to hide your feelings.
The greatest gift you can give anyone grieving is to listen with your heart and not your head. Allow all emotions to be expressed without judgment, criticism, or analysis.
*This post is adapted from Stephen Moeller, Grief Recovery Specialist, for the Grief Recovery Method blog.*
