Emotions, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mental Health, Podcast, solo episode |
I Can’t Stop Crying
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
What is your opinion or belief about crying? What has been your life experience with crying? As a child, were you told to stop being a “crybaby?” Or, if you wanted to cry, your parent would give you something to cry about?
If you reflect on your relationship to crying for a moment, you may see that the patterns and behaviors about crying likely haven’t changed much as an adult. That is unless you’ve done considerable emotional personal development work. Just like we have to build our self-confidence muscle, our emotional intelligence, like a muscle, needs attention, too.
Do you know people who have used crying as a manipulation tactic to get what they want? Have you known people who have used crying to bypass what is emotionally going on – using it not to have to talk about what they’re feeling? Maybe you’ve done one or both of these things yourself. Most of us have, at some point in our lives, particularly as children, when there was something we wanted. Depending on the behavior emulated for you as a child, perhaps these behaviors were learned and are tactics you rely on today.
This episode aims to get you thinking about crying and your relationship to it. As well as to consider how the ways others respond to the grief and loss in their lives may differ from you – and allowing that to be okay and not judging the other person for it.
And for funsies, if you haven’t seen the 1990 movie Crybaby with Johnny Depp and Ricki Lake, it’s a fun role to see Johnny Depp play.
RESOURCES:
Victoria Volk: Hey, Hey, Hey. Thank you for tuning in to today’s episode. This is episode one sixty-two already. And I just wanna take a moment to thank you for being a regular listener if you are, if you’re brand new, Thank you for being here. And if you found me through someone else sharing it with you, I hope you paid it forward and share it with someone else you know her love. Let me find the content of grieving voices helpful. I really enjoy bringing on guests who I am personally curious about and love to know more about. In an effort that what they have to share will be meaningful, and helpful to you the listener. And so if this podcast is, I asked that you please leave a review five stars if you would please. It really helps the podcast continue to grow but more importantly sharing it with someone who really does maybe need to hear whatever that episode is that you feel inclined to share. I hope you share it. Follow that nudge. If there’s someone that you’re thinking about, like, oh, so and so should really hear this hear this episode, follow that nudge. Share it with them because that nudge was given to you for a reason.
Victoria Volk: There’s many examples in my life where I follow the nudges and you just feel really good when you do. You can’t be wrong when you’re listening to your inner voice, which really knows better than our ego. So listen to that inner voice if you feel called to share this with someone or any other episode for that matter. And I greatly appreciate a review if you have five minutes to do so.
Victoria Volk: So, yeah, let’s get into today’s episode where I wanna talk about crying. Growing up, I cried a lot. I had a lot to cry about, but I cried a lot, and it was I’m I would I would say that I’m a highly sensitive person. And as a child going through so much grief and loss, traumatic things happening and a lot of change, just from age five on it was a lot for a child to take in for any child to take in and a lot of children are going through really difficult times. And what do you do with those big emotions? Adults really I mean, we as adults don’t even know what to do with their big emotions half the time, particularly with anger. And so when a child is expressing these things, including anger, it can be confronting for adults. You don’t know what to do, and so it’s easier to just say just go to your room and cry. I don’t you know, they don’t wanna see it. Adults don’t wanna see it. They don’t want it in their face. I’m not saying all adults, I’m just these are very generalization, very much generalizations.
Victoria Volk: But as particularly, I will say, adults who have not address their own emotions or really have sat with their own emotions. Maybe their children who grew up and are continuing those behaviors because that’s what they were taught. That’s all they know. You get angry, you punch a wall, you spew words to other people that are just out of character. We just don’t know what to do with their big emotions including grief, anger, sadness, all of these things that are part of the human experience.
Victoria Volk: In particular though, I wanna talk about crying though because we have this idea that when someone passes away and no one’s and the person isn’t crying, that they’re somehow detached or they just that’s abnormal. It’s abnormal behavior to not cry when someone close to them passes away. And so I just think that this is an important topic to talk about. And on the flip side of that, I mean, people can use crime as a way to manipulate as well. Right? Like, we can turn on our acting skills on a dime sometimes to get what we want. This is if we have needs that aren’t being met, our egos can really get creative and our minds can really get creative on how we obtain what we desire, what we want to help us to feel better.
Victoria Volk: So I wanna dive into crying today, and I think there’s a lot of confusion about crying. Like how much crying is enough? If I start crying, will I be able to stop? Do I have to cry at all? I’ve cried and cried, but I still don’t feel better. Is there something wrong with me?
Are men and women different when it comes to crying? So I wanna talk about all of these things and you might be recognizing yourself in some of the scenarios that I share. Many of you listening may have yourself experience this first scenario. Let’s say you’re an older child and you’re very worried about your father or your mother because several years ago the other parent passed away and you believe that your parent is devastated by the death of their spouse, but your surviving parent hasn’t cried yet. And we can use the word yet in an air quotes because you might have this belief audious belief that in order to grieve that you must cry. And the fact is that maybe you did not see your parent cry. Does that mean that they haven’t cried? And it doesn’t mean that they haven’t cried in private. Or that they will or will not talk about it. So well-meaning children are concerned because they believe that there is this absolute and direct correlation between grief and crying. And of course, you believe that your parent’s heart is broken. And surely, that is usually the case. Right? And so where is it written that you must cry when you are sad? I mean, think about that. Not everybody displays an outward expression of emotion. In the beginning of this episode, I shared how as a child, I would cry to hide. I think I’ve said that on this podcast a few times. I still do. I still do. Because I think there’s still probably a part of me that feels like it’s not safe to or that it’s not allowed or that there’s something wrong with me because as I mentioned, I’m an emotional person. I feel deeply about things, about people, about experiences. I feel it very deeply, good or bad, you put those in air quotes because it’s not good or bad, it just is. Right? It’s part of being human.
Victoria Volk: But I think it’s important for us to recognize that not everybody grows up in a home where it’s okay to cry openly. And especially, like, older generations where you did not display that type of weakness, deemed weakness. I say crying as weakness, but it’s not. But there is this mindset that exists, that it’s weak to cry and it’s a societal norm that women, yes, cry more and men not as much, and if men cry, then that’s somehow, oh my gosh, this guy’s crying, you know?
Victoria Volk: So I think it’s becoming more acceptable in society for men to openly express themselves with tears and that takes strength. It does take strength to openly share your emotions. It’s vulnerability that we need more of truthfully in this world. And it’s an authenticity that It’s not acting, like, you can’t act that when it’s coming from an authentic and vulnerable place.
Victoria Volk: So let me ask you this, have you ever known anyone who cries all the time, but never seems to change or grow? Have you ever known anyone who uses crying as a manipulation to get something? And there is a high probability that you will answer yes to both of those questions. And both of those questions are designed to explain the fact that crying in and of itself does not necessarily lead to completion of the pain caused by death, divorce, or any other losses. And at best, crying acts as a short-term energy-relieving action and relieves temporarily some of the emotional energy generated by loss.
Victoria Volk: So you might know people who’ve been crying over the same loss daily for years and years. And we know that the crying has not helped them complete what is emotionally incomplete in their relationship with their loved one who had died or the person for whom they are divorced or restrained or whatever the circumstance maybe. As our society is continuing to evolve, we are seeing the shift in the public display of emotion as I mentioned. And in today’s world, it is not at all unlikely to even see a retiring professional athlete, with this all this masculinity, weeping openly in a televised press conference. So it is hard to imagine that the same scenario occurring thirty to forty years ago would have a different outcome that was not the thing thirty to forty years ago. So if you’re male parent is seventy years old or older, he is more likely to be affected by different beliefs about the open play of emotions than you are. Even your female parent is liable to be less willing to communicate sad, painful, or negative emotions than you. And we must fight this trap of applying our emotional value system to others. And it may seem odd since your parents are the ones who taught you but that you have a different emotional view than they do.
Victoria Volk: And I think that’s where, especially, today, with that, like, people in my generation, the sandwich generation, our parents, my mom is eighty years old they didn’t openly talk about the really painful stuff. They just didn’t. And so it’s as time goes on and we learn and we grow and this podcast like this one exists and the more we talk about grief, the more this will shift in society as a whole. And maybe when I’m eighty, I will be the opposite. I will be more communicative about painful times. And I am already. I am already, but I’ve come to know this stuff and I’ve done a lot of personal work on myself. And I think that’s the key. Is so many of the people on that generation, the older generation there wasn’t, like, talk space and better help and just it was a different time. It was just a completely different time. And so as we’re evolving as a society, I do see this shifting, and I do see this changing, and it already is. I mean, here I am sitting on and I have my own podcast and I’m using my voice in ways that I never did and never felt safe to as a child. And I think I’m I mean, that’s a whole another podcast. I could do a whole podcast on throat wounds. The throat chakra wound of just being having your voice suppressed or not being able to express yourself, which maybe I will do an episode on that because I think it’s hugely important that we recognize our wounds so that we can heal them within ourselves. And this podcast and doing the work that I’ve personally done on myself has helped me to heal my throat wound were crying wasn’t, something that was acceptable. I mean, yes, go cry, but I don’t wanna see it. Go hide to cry was the message I received and I did. And so I guess, again, as we come into our own, we recognize where we need to do the work for ourselves. And for me, it was in the expression of emotion because I suppressed so much. And I think as grievers, many of us have grown up in homes and in this belief system that we just don’t talk about what is hurting us. And so just keep that in mind as I’m continuing on with this episode.
Victoria Volk: So the short of what I’ve just talked about is basically that it can be dangerous and counterproductive to attach our personal ideas and beliefs to how other people express their grief, given the fact that many people will communicate tremendous depth of emotion and never shed a tear, while others cry all the time, but don’t seem to complete the pain, nor derive any long term benefit from crying.
Victoria Volk: And so let’s talk about the gender issue and uniqueness of individuals and relationships as well as what function crying serves and for whom. There is research that indicates that tears of sadness differ in chemical makeup from tears of joy and that tears perform the valuable function of washing the eyes and women cry on average five times more than men. And the grief recovery institute has actually tried to find research, like psychological basis for this five-to-one ratio of women crying more than men, and they couldn’t find it. And failing to find any valid studies on crime would support a physical distinction by gender. But they couldn’t find the research.
Victoria Volk: So what the Great Recovery Institute did do is do their little own anecdotal research that they believe represents the truth. They had called some nurse friends whose life experience is working with infants. And without exception, they indicated that the circumstances and frequency with which very young infants cry is not dictated by gender. Little baby boys and little baby girls cry equally. There are clear personality differences between individual babies. Some cry more than others, not by gender, but rather by individual uniqueness. And they did not limit their research to those who worked only with newborns. They got some of the same responses from experts who worked with children up to the age of five. From age five onwards, distinction by gender and attitudes and beliefs began to magnify. This informal study led to the inescapable conclusion that socialization, not gender, was the key to later differences of attitude and expression regarding crying.
Victoria Volk: So although there really isn’t an innate physiological difference between males and females when it comes to crying, we must still ask what purpose or value, if any, does crime have in recovery from loss?
Victoria Volk: So let us say that crying can represent a physical demonstration of emotional energy attached to a reminder of someone or something that has some significance for you.
Victoria Volk: In fact, during grief recovery work that I do with clients when someone starts crying, I ask them to talk while they cry. The emotions are contained in the words that the griever speaks, not in the tears that they cry. And so what’s fascinating to observe is that as the thoughts and feelings are spoken, the tears usually disappear and the depth of feeling communicated seems much more powerful than just tears alone.
Victoria Volk: And I can add in my personal experience when I was going through the program myself in Austin, Texas in early twenty nineteen, I was overcome with emotion. And I don’t know that there were enough tissues in the box and snot was coming down my knows and I mean, I was a mess. I looked like an emotional mess and a wreck. However, I continued on with the exercise just as I was instructed to do and at the end of it, I can tell you, like, even now when I reflect back on it, had I just been crying, had I just let my tears fall and not have been communicating through this exercise, what I was feeling, I don’t know I don’t believe the impact would have been as great as it was because the person that came to that training and that experience was a different person on the flight home. I was completely emotionally transformed from that experience. The work that you put into it is exactly the output that you get, the more that you put into the experience, the more you get out, and that’s with anything. That’s with any kind of program or coaching or anything as long as you are open and willing to put in the emotional work into it, you will get a return of that investment.
Victoria Volk: And again, like just sitting home alone and crying is not gonna get you the results in your life that you’re looking for. So when we think about this idea that it’s not the tears, but yet the communication that helps people heal. And in talking about our experiences, let’s bring that back to the conversation about the adult child and the parent whose other parent passes away if you believe that your parents’ heart is broken, it doesn’t take words to show that. Right? We can see when someone’s heart’s broken based on their body language, their tone, and other factors that show us that someone is being deeply affected by a loss of a loved one or an experience they’re having in their life. And for some people, it might be unusual or uncommon for them and may be even uncomfortable, for them to cry.
Victoria Volk: And frankly for some people, it might not even have any real benefit. But brace yourself for this next part because on the other hand, don’t be fooled by those who cry frequently. In one of the strangest of all paradoxes, people can use crying as a way to stop feeling rather than to experience great depths of emotions so it can go the opposite way. The tears can become a distraction from the real pain caused by the loss. The key to recovery from the incredible pain caused by death, divorce, and all other losses is contained in a simple statement. Each of us is unique and each of our relationships is unique. Therefore, we must cover and complete what is emotionally unfinished for us in all of our relationships. Our personal belief systems about the display of emotions are also unique and individual. We may not even have a conscious awareness of what our own beliefs even are an alert to everyone, young or old, don’t let anyone else dictate what is emotionally correct for you. not even your children, or your parents ,only you get to determine what is correct for you.
Victoria Volk: If you need help, in discovering or determining what might help you deal with a broken heart caused by a death or a divorce. I highly recommend you get in touch with me or check out the book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. I will put a link to it in the show notes, that will I guarantee you, that will have you connecting so many dots and you’ll have so many aha moments while you read that book. I really firmly believe that it could be a game changer as you are on your path working through your grief and looking at it and trying to recover from it. But don’t take this podcast episode that I’m any way against crying. Like I mentioned several times now throughout this episode that I’m a big cryer I can be. Not near as much as I used to be because what’s changed for me from a child to an adult is that as a child I didn’t have the skills or the know how and how to process what I was feeling to work through my feelings and the emotions. I didn’t have a way to do that. I didn’t know how to do that. Most children don’t and most children are not taught how to do that. And so as we grow into adulthood, we continue those behaviors until we learn differently, until we learn better healthier ways to address what’s happening for us emotionally. And so I don’t have to cry, I don’t feel the need to cry as much as even near as much as I used to. I have to be really emotionally charged, feel either like, an immense an immense an immense amount of gratitude in a moment or an immense amount of sorrow or hurt or pain, emotional pain, whatever it is, to cry. And that those moments are far widened in between and that’s not good and that’s not bad. It’s just what is and but I’m connecting why that is. And for me why that is, because I have the tools to process what I’m feeling emotionally. I have energy work that I can use in those tools I can use to process my emotions. And to catch myself before I get to a place where I can’t control my emotions. This is what it means to develop our emotional intelligence. And as we do that, we don’t feel the need to cry as much because we have gain skills and tools that support us so that we’re not using tears as a way to bypass our emotions, and we’re not using tears to manipulate. And we’re not using tears as without that emotional component we’re addressing.
Victoria Volk: So I’m not against crying. And in fact, I expect people to cry when I’m working with them one-on-one or in groups. In grief recovery. I expect them to cry. I cried. Right? You’re learning this stuff for the first time in that situation. I expect that you’ll probably cry. And that’s okay. But to get to the point where you’re in recovery from the emotional pain, that’s really the end goal. That’s the end game for the people that I work with, and even for myself and my own healing. So when fond memories are turning painful, we wanna use these tools so that they don’t turn painful anymore. So that it that’s where those tears will come. Right? I’m here for you to have a life of meaning and value even though a loss or losses may have made your life drastically different than what you had hoped or dreamed. And trust me, I have plenty of relationships in my life, and I’ve had plenty of relationships in my life that are different and were different from what I had hoped and dreamed.
Victoria Volk: And so I hope that this episode has gleaned some insight into crying a little bit. I know this is something that we don’t really even think about. Right? We just you think crying is always a good thing. And yet, there is a there is a shadow side to crying. It can be used to manipulate. It can be used to bypass our own emotions, yes, an emotion is prompting the crying, but is it a painful memory? And that’s a thing. So if it’s a painful memory, then you probably have something left there that’s emotionally incomplete for you. And that’s where I’m trying to get to the heart of. That’s what I work with people to address. And that’s what I’ve put a lot of work into myself to address.
Victoria Volk: So what do you think about crying now? Share your thoughts with me. Find me on Instagram @theunleashedheart or on Facebook, Victoria The Unleashed Heart. Or shoot me an email [email protected] and share your thoughts about this episode. I’m really curious what you have to say about crying. And if you found it insightful, share it with someone else who you think might find it insightful too. And if there’s any questions that you have that you would like to be addressed or here addressed on this podcast, then you can reach out me on social or via email as well. Alright, my friends, thank you for tuning in to this episode, and I hope to reach your listening ears once again. And in the meantime, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Emotions, Grieving Voices Guest, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, solo episode |
Navigating Tears Through Changes and Transitions
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Changes and transitions are inevitable; we can’t stop the world from turning and time marching on. Our lived experience is filled with phases and stages of life, and through those phases and stages, we are given the opportunity to grow through the changes and transitions that change us.
In today’s episode, I share several examples of the changes and transitions that I’ve gone through throughout my life. We often don’t think of going from dating to married life or becoming a parent as having loss experiences woven in. However, because we are in a relationship with others through these changes, and many others that I mention, it’s impossible not to experience some loss and grief as we navigate the tears that often come with those changes and transitions.
One of the definitions of grief that the Grief Recovery Institute shares is that grief is a change to, or end of, a familiar pattern of behavior. If we think about how our lives hum along day after day, and we do relatively the same things day after day with the same people, when that suddenly changes or ends — surely you will have some feelings around those changes, right?
Explore some of the common changes and transitions I address that you may have also experienced or reflect on some more that aren’t mentioned today. Toward the end of the episode, I offer up an invitation of things to keep in mind as you navigate the tears of whatever change or transition you’re experiencing. And know, too, that you are not alone in your experience! We are all grieving something (or someone)!
RESOURCES:
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NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
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If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Grieving Voices, episode one fifty-nine already. It’s crazy to think that yeah One fifty-nine. I’m on my fourth year of doing this podcast and it’s been one of the joys of my life really to have this space to use my throat chakra. And to share what I’m learning, what I’ve learned throughout the years about grief, and to inform which plays into my human design which I’m diving deep into as of late, as a manifestor energy type. Shout out to all my fellow manifestors. If you are familiar with human design, and if you do follow human design or you know you’re a human design, I am an emotional four six. Fine. So six, meaning I’m here to tell stories, I guess. From what I’m learning. It is why I use my own personal experience to share my insights and what I’ve learned. I draw from my personal experience. And today, that is actually part of today’s episode. Where I’m going to be talking about changes and transitions and navigating the tiers through all of that. I’ve been through a lot of changes in transitions over the years and throughout my life as many of you listening probably have as well.
Victoria Volk: And so today is actually an episode two to highlight some of those grief experiences that really aren’t thought of as grief. Too often in conversation, like, when we talk about these things, we’re not talking. We rarely use the word “grief” or we rarely use the word “loss” when we’re talking about these things. But I thought it was important enough to share some of these things that I just was taking notes before I recorded in the last few days, I’ve been jotting down notes, things that I felt were important to share with you today. And I will try to be concise, and I’m sure I’ll be going round and round and some parts of this podcast episode, but my hope is that by the end of this episode, you will recognize some experiences in your life as grief experiences, as moments of loss that you may not have thought of before.
Victoria Volk: And so one of the first things that comes to my mind is just recently we moved our first child, our first born to college. And that’s a huge transition. It’s a huge change for any family because when you’ve been a family unit for eighteen years and all of a sudden one of your pop sleeves the nest or birds. Birds leave the nest. One of your birds leaves the nest. Or one of your pup sleeves the pack, I should say. It can be a little like a roller coaster. It can feel exciting and it can feel like a joyful time of growth and freedom for both. As the kids start to leave the house, you as the parents, have a different chapter of life to look forward to. All of a sudden, you have freedoms that you may not have had before. Right? You have more time to do things you enjoy. And more free time. Right? Because you’re not chasing to one activity to the next and although if your child plays sports in college and you’re probably chasing after those things, but it’s still a change because there’s that empty chair at the table. We eat as a family and that’s kind of a time where we reconnect. And especially when all three kids were at home and doing different sports and things, certain parts of the year, the school year in particular, there wasn’t a lot of meal time together and I recognize that more so probably this last year when all three of my kids were working jobs in addition to school and things.
Victoria Volk: So I guess I’ve had a little practice in getting used to this change that was coming just with the fact that we weren’t always together as a family in this past year. And it didn’t hit me until we got home. I didn’t cry graduation. I didn’t cry after graduation, I didn’t cry on the way up to the college. I didn’t cry on the way home from the college. It hit me in the evening and the next day in particular, waking up and realizing that my son’s not in his bed downstairs and, yes, he’s, maybe ninety miles away, which isn’t too far. And I can go visit him anytime. I want to and he can come home. It’s just different.
Victoria Volk: It’s not you know, and people might say, oh, they’ll be fine and oh, you can go visit. They’re not that far away. And kinda be dismissive about how you’re feeling. And that’s not fair, is he going to be okay? Yes. I most certainly know he’ll be okay just like you probably know your child will be okay after, if you did the same thing as I did and moved your child to college, but that’s not the question. I’m not questioning if he’ll be okay. What I’m feeling is deeper than that. It’s this knowing that things will be different from here on out. It’s the knowing that he is now an adult on his own. It is knowing that I don’t know what he’s really thinking or feeling. I can’t see him or his face or his mannerisms or his behavior when it changes. If something, it’s like when your kid is living in under your roof and in your home, you get a sense of their emotional state from day to day. You don’t get that once they leave. You don’t get that sense of okayness. Like, I know he’ll be okay in terms of, like, he’s got a good head on his shoulders and I trust that he’ll make good decisions, but it’s a different kind of mother instinct, I suppose, this mother feeling, I feel that, I want to know in my heart that emotionally he’s okay. I think that’s what it is for me. Because I am such a feeler. I am an emotional energy. Anyway, I feel very deeply and So I just it’s I think that’s where that’s coming from. And just the change. Right?
Victoria Volk: The impact it has on me and that it probably has on him because he’s now away from his pack. I can’t just because a child goes off to college doesn’t mean that they’ve craved this independence and they’ve craved this aloneness. Although that may be true, it’s still also true or can be true that they will miss their siblings, that they will miss their family pet, that they will miss their bed, that they will miss the consistency of having that safety and security of being home. So it goes far deeper than well, they’ll be okay. You can see him anytime. That’s not where I’m coming from as I’ve just shared with you.
Victoria Volk: And so many of you can maybe relate to that experience of dropping your first kid off at college. Right? And what I will also add to that is that every relationship is different and unique. So maybe the people that say that don’t have as close of a relationship with their child because every relationship is different. My son and I really didn’t get close until after he had his accident. And before that, actually, I was feeling of some sadness around, how our relationship was struggling a bit. We both had this. He was sixteen and struggling for his independence. And we were pretty strict. I mean, we weren’t we had rules and it wasn’t to control. It was because nothing good happens after midnight. My friends, like, nothing good happens after midnight. And so we did have rules and things and still do. But our relationship was not near what it is now. And I think it’s because of everything that he went through, he realized how good he had it, and he realized how loved he is. And how blessed he is just as we did. Like, wow we are so lucky that accident didn’t go a different way.
Victoria Volk: And there’s previous podcast episode about that. I can try and find it and link to it in the show notes, but it was a really difficult challenging time for our family and I think we all learned a lot from that experience, but it was that experience. I think that was the catalyst for bringing us closer as a family. And so to have that and to feel that so strongly and then for it to be gone, not gone, like, of course, we’re still gonna be close and I still feel like we are. It’s just different. It’s just different. It’s a transition and it’s going to take time to recalibrate our family dynamic and to recalibrate moving forward as four people living in the household instead of five because he did bring a lot to our home.
Victoria Volk: And we just you don’t get that sense on a day to day like you did, like we did before. And so what grief is is the change of familiar pattern of behavior, and so there is a lot of change that comes with your kid going off to college. Now let’s say your kid didn’t go off to college and you might be feeling this failure or this pressure from society. The child might be feeling this pressure and things from society that, oh, I should be going to college or I should be doing this. And parents might feel like, well, their child should be moving out of the house or what have you? Like, there’s all these societal norms that we project and expect other people to follow these specific set of rules, like, well, you go to school for twelve years, you graduate, you go to college for four or two and you get married and you have kids. Like, that’s those are the societal rules. Right?
Victoria Volk: And I’ll just want to share with the parents whose child maybe has not chosen the path of college. For whatever reason, it doesn’t matter the reason that they’re not less worthy or they’re not less smart or what have you and you’re not less of a parent because your child is not choosing college. I went to college, I started college, I did not finish. And does that make me not as intelligent as someone who did or went and got there bachelors, master’s, doctorate? Like, we all have our gifts. We all have our strengths. And it doesn’t take a degree to develop those. In fact, a lot of our skills and our strengths are developed because of life experience, which you can’t get from a degree. Right?
Victoria Volk: I’m a huge proponent of education, of course. But in this day and age, there are so many means of learning that I don’t think there is one specific way. And I’m just gonna plug Youmap here for a moment because I had my son go through his I had my son do the Youmap and it turned out that a hunch that I had was accurate and healthcare was a good fit based on his Youmap, based on his strengths and his themes of mostly thinking themes and that is what he’s going to college for nursing. And he did become a certified nursing assistant, for college, and he was loving that work.
Victoria Volk: And so I just wanna plug any college bound kids or kids that are contemplating college or maybe not contemplating college and just wanna go into the workforce to check into Youmap, and maybe parents listening to this, if you have a child who is unsure what they want to do, to check into their Youmap. And for those that might be thinking, well, a piece of this a Youmap is not gonna tell someone what they should do for the rest of their lives.
Victoria Volk: And I’ll tell you that it’s not a document to tell you what to do with the rest of your life, but it is a place to start where you are right now? Because like I said, your strengths change over time with experience. It is knowledge that will evolve and grow and change with you. You want to take your Youmap every few years. So once you’ve but the thing is that doesn’t change, what doesn’t change? Is your personality, like how you’re wired. And that is actually taken to account for the whole Youmap. So there are very key components of it that really won’t change. And I just wanna encourage you guys to check into it. If you are feeling a little lost in your life, which often happens when we are going through a phase of transition or change. We can feel a little lost.
Victoria Volk: A thing to consider is with the change and transition of child leaving the nest is honoring boundaries. One of the things that I’ve been educated on by my son is boundaries. And boundaries are two sided. Right? It’s not just the boundaries that I have. It’s the boundaries that he has in place. And I just so happened to send a text that was too long. He said, I don’t wanna read a novel between classes. And I said, well I was just trying to find out, I was trying to actually organize when I was gonna stop in the next time I go to see him between his classes. And I had all sorts of things I was trying to work around for schedule wise and so I put it in a text and he’s like you could have just said, call me when you get a chance. And you said, and I said, you know what? You’re right. I’ll do that next time. Keep it short and sweet is his boundary. So dutally noted, I will keep my text messages short and sweet and just say call me when you get a chance if I have more I need to talk out.
Victoria Volk: But honoring that this is his time. To find himself. This is his time to have the full college experience that I do want him to have and not be worried about, oh, I gotta text mom back or I gotta call mom back or I gotta make sure she’s okay. Like, I’m okay. I’m okay. I don’t need him to assure me that I’m okay. But will I text him every night and tell him good night I love you? Yes, I will, even if he doesn’t respond. And that’s just me needing to inform him of the thing that I said to him every single night since the day he was born. So that will not change. And I don’t care if he doesn’t respond, I will still tell him that I love him and wish him a good night.
Victoria Volk: The other thing that came up recently was and synchronistically that I wanna talk about in as it relates to changes in transition, is holding onto our youth. And moving your son to college it does cause me to reflect on my life and the time that I went to my college dorm and moved in and then moved out that same weekend because I freaked out because I was financially scared. I had a really overwhelming fear of debt. And later, I didn’t end up going to college for a year and a half, and then I was deployed with the military, and so that’s where that came to a close. But It caused me to reflect on my youth. Right? And my college experience that I didn’t get right? Because by the time I did go to college, I was in a little bit older adult.
Victoria Volk: And one thing I heard the other day and it’s really struck me and I’ll just share it. It’s a quote. And it was, it goes like this, “Everyone gets to be young, but not everyone gets to grow old.” “Everyone gets to be young, but not everyone gets to grow old.” And think about that the next time you have a birthday coming up. Maybe it’s your fortieth. Maybe it’s your thirtieth, fiftieth, one of those milestone-type birthdays that people make a big deal of. I did when I turned forty, like, oh my gosh. I’m forty, I’m like, half dead. I think I got one foot in the grave. We can be so dramatic about getting older. And here’s me. Like, I’m just wishing gosh. I wish I had this wisdom when I was eighteen. I wish I had this wisdom when I was my son’s age. I wish I had the wisdom I have now at eighteen.
Victoria Volk: And there’s that transition too of a parent than becoming a grandparent. That’s another transition that we get that we receive with age. If we’re so blessed to be a grandparent. Right? Not everybody gets that opportunity. So just like everyone gets doesn’t get the opportunity to grow old, not everyone gets the opportunity to be a grandparent. That’s a blessing to see your children have children. Like, not everyone gets that. And so if we focused on those things instead of the extra wrinkle we have, or the saggy skin or the, the breasts finding their way south, whatever it is. The lack of stamina, less energy, these things that can happen as we age. It just highlights the importance of self-care even more so that we can enjoy those things so that we can look forward to those things and feel vitality and joy instead of the pain in the back and the crook in the neck in the, what was me of aging? That so many people experience because they haven’t taken care of themselves.
Victoria Volk: Another thing you may not have thought of a transition or a change is going from being single to married. Some people might feel a loss of self or be fearful of feeling a loss of self. Oftentimes when people become married, they have to move. That comes along with grief experiences. It could if you’re in a neighborhood you love, or you had a job that you loved that moved you and you had to move. And then you lost your job too or you had to change careers or jobs because of a move. My husband moved for me, but I told him, I moved for one guy. I’m not moving for another. So he moved to be near me. And that was a sacrifice and a choice that he made. But I had a very clear boundary around that. Like, I did this ones before. I’m not doing that again. A lot goes into when you go from being single to married or dating to married. That’s a lot of change. It’s a lot of transition. And again, I think it comes down to honoring the boundaries that are two-sided.
Victoria Volk: And I’ll actually have a list of things to keep in mind. In any change or transition, but that’s one that keeps coming up as I’m talking here is the boundaries thing. And boundaries can be taken as a negative connotation, but boundaries are really I mean, they don’t have to be like, set in stone, like, verbal. I mean, it can be an energetic boundary too. Right? Like, just a way to protect your peace. It doesn’t have to be this negative thing that you impose on people. It’s honoring your peace, really.
Victoria Volk: Circling back to the so societal norms. Right? So you go from being single to dating to married, and now you have kids, well, now your new parents, oh my gosh, that’s a huge transition and a huge change. Not to mention, like, as a female, like, a woman, like all these hormonal changes, it’s so overwhelming. I just remember like, oh my god. How do people do this? And what I’m learning too with my energy type as a manifestor and having all three of my kids being manifesting generators like no wonder I was exhausted. Like they had energy to no end. And that’s not me. That is not me. Like, motherhood when they were little was, like, absolutely draining on me. And so when I started my business, it was I think out of survival of my sanity because I needed an outlet. I needed something that lit me up because parenting only drained me when they were little, drained my energy.
Victoria Volk: It wasn’t and the previous episode I recorded on this was how motherhood wasn’t necessarily the most fulfilling thing to me when my kids were younger. And I felt a lot of guilt and shame around that. So if you’re interested in that episode, that’s the one before this one. I mean, these are just few examples that I have been going through about change and transition and the grief that comes with it. So moving job change, I kind of mention that with relationships. Is often when that happens or once you become a family, the children are supposed to start school. You wanna put some roots down somewhere so they can get into a school system that, is the best fit for them or whatever the case may be. And with that, with a move or with a job change, I’ll plug Youmap again because if you’re feeling lost in that space of well, that wasn’t for me like, because all these experiences. They’re clarifying. What do I really desire? What is this showing me? What is this telling me? What do I need to learn here? Because if you’re feeling anger, if you’re feeling frustration, if you’re feeling those types of emotions, those are indicators that something isn’t right. You’re not in alignment, energetically, with yourself.
Victoria Volk: So what needs to change? And oftentimes with careers and jobs, that’s a very common experience is that if we are not in alignment with what we’re doing and spending most of our time doing that can create a lot of grief for us. A lot of people can experience loss of their loved ones, significant other, their spouse. And with that, you might come a new love into the picture. Someone another person you wanna share your life with. And depending on the phase of your life, like was, are you a young widow or widower? Or are you in your forties or older? Like, all of these things they influence how you might respond to the loss. If you have adult children, your spouse passed away of adult children. You’ll probably handle things. You will handle things much differently than if you had teenagers or younger children. So that’s a huge transition transition and change for the entire family. For the kids, whether they’re adults or young children, going from being in the office in your career job to being fully remote. A lot of corporations went fully remote. What is the impact on the social connection and support that employees feel in the workplace? I mean, we’re some for some people that was their only connection to the outside world. Let’s say you have a very small family unit, and your family unit lives two thousand miles away. And you’re living somewhere where you go into the office every day. And then all of a sudden, you’re not going into the office. You’re stuck in your apartment or are you stuck at home? You went fully remote or even hybrid. Hybrid is a little bit better for some people. Because especially those who, like, for example, I’m saying, who don’t have a lot of support system around them? So maybe that’s the only place where people might have connection and support or feel that in their lives. That’s an unfortunate place to be in. And so how can you widen that circle and expand and find your people.
Victoria Volk: And again, I mean, we can come back to the Youmap on that because I’ve actually given clients ideas on where to find expand on their interests to widen their circle of support. Because especially with COVID, I’ve had clients who’ve lost friends through that experience, whether the person died or it was a conflict of beliefs, which brings me to loss of friendships, and relationships, how we outgrow people, which is possible, like we can outgrow people, we have those relationships that may have just taken their course. Like, they’ve fully just ran their course and it is what it is. And if you were in close relationship with a friend and that ended that’s a hard loss too. Like for so many people, friendships are some of the most sensitive heartbreaking losses for some people. And so, yeah, we don’t think of those relationships necessarily all the time either when it comes to grief and loss. Everything has its season. Right? And so that brings me to seasons.
Victoria Volk: Some people have a really difficult time with the changing of seasons. You know, just like all these changes and transitions will have their seasons of ups and downs we have nature that reflects back to us, that nature itself has its ups and downs. It has this energetic thrusting of life to this polar opposite dormancy, especially where I live. We are in the darkness, most of our days are dark six months out of the year. When winter comes, it’s dark by five thirty PM until probably eight AM the next day. We have a lot less light. I didn’t realize how affected I was by the changing of the seasons until probably five, six years ago when I got a sad light, seasonal effective disorder light, I had to use that religiously for the first two years, like, to help me, like, when I know when I need it, I can feel it when I need it. It’s like, there’s something psychological too. I’m sure there’s a psychological component, because we need sunlight. Sunlight is our life-giving force. It’s our energy source for all life.
Victoria Volk: And so when that greatly decreases, we can experience these effects, these impact of that. I just wanna mention things to keep in mind through changes and transitions like these. As I’m thinking about wrapping this episode up. And there’s so many more. Like, if I would’ve taking more time to really think about reflect on my life, I would probably would have thought many thought of many more different changes and transitions over the years. But some things I want you to keep in mind when you’re thinking about things like this or you think of something new that you’ve experienced is that your response is up to you. It doesn’t it’s not up to anybody else. How do you wanna view the changes in transitions that you experience in your life? And your level of awareness is up to you as well. This is where emotional intelligence can play a role and how we build that is through our self-awareness. How do we become more self-aware? We pause and reflect.
Victoria Volk: So I encourage you as you’re going through a significant change or transition to pause and reflect on how you’re feeling, like checking in with yourself on how you’re feeling, how you’re doing, what your level of awareness is? Maybe try and put yourself in the shoes of those around you. Like, what is the impact I may be having with those around me as I go through this change or transition, like how am I projecting anything onto others? What do I need? Like, what are what are some of my needs as I go through this change and transition? And the things that are out of your hands need to be out of your mind. And I know that’s easier and said and done, but we only have so much mental real estate. And I have to remind myself often that if it’s out of my hands, I need to let it out of my mind. I am not doing myself any favors by bringing it to bed with me and ruminating and stewing on it. Write it out, talk it out, get it out in some way, let it out, let it go. Don’t let it take up mental real estate because you can’t let anything new if you’re bogging up your mind with shit that you can’t control. And that probably won’t matter in five days or five years. And the last thing is boundaries are two-sided, and I know I mentioned that a few times throughout this episode, but it bears repeating again that boundaries are two-sided. It’s not just your boundaries. Other people have boundaries too. And so where can you compromise? Do you need to compromise? Like what are the things you will not compromise on? Again, that comes back to what are your needs? What are your wants? And then picking your battles along the way.
Victoria Volk: I don’t know if you know this, but on my website, there is a link to I wrote a book. I self-published a book in twenty seventeen. It’s called “The guided heart moving through grief and finding spiritual solace.” And in a hundred and fifty-nine episodes, I think this is the maybe first or second time I’ve even mentioned my book. That book was written as I was reflecting on the changes and transition of closing my business and of my youngest going to kindergarten and just all of this spiritual stuff I was kind of experiencing and going through this a lot of growth was happening as I was writing that book. And so that book is really the stuff that I had been leaning on and leaning into for my own personal work and development, and healing. And so if I were to write a book today, which is brewing. It would be a very different book. Right? Because I’m in a very different phase of my life right now. And that is my intention to write another book. But I just wanted to share that with you that we will continue to have changes and transitions in our life because we can’t stop life from happening. My kids are gonna continue to get older. They’re gonna continue to move on with their lives. I’m going to continue to get older. Did I mention that already? Like, we can’t stop the age bus for ourselves or our kids. And just today, I’m just leaning into that message of not everyone gets to grow old and how blessed will I be if I get to. And so what do I want that time to be between the dash for me. I think there’s a poem between the dash. I’m gonna have to look that up. It’s a really moving poem about this one shot at life that we all get. And what do you want to put in that dash. What do you want your life to be made up of from the day you were born till the day you die? Because inevitably, it’s going to be filled with tears and transitions and changes.
Victoria Volk: And so if you need support as you navigate these things that will just can that will inevitably happen in your life, I do offer a in case you don’t know this either, I do offer a heart with ears session. It’s a one-off session or maybe two to just kinda talk through maybe a challenge or transition that you’re going through and you aren’t sure, you just need someone to talk it out. And to reflect back to you, something you can’t see yourself because we can’t see the inside of the jar of our own lives pretty much. So it’s helpful to have an outside perspective, someone who doesn’t even really know you. Who has nothing invested in your life and in your story. Right? Because it’s really hard for us to be biased unbiased rather. It’s really hard for us to be unbiased when the people we love are seeking our advice or counsel because we love this person or we’re close to this person or we’ve got some skin in their game. So that’s the benefit of talking with someone who is completely unrelated and doesn’t know you is that, I don’t have any skin in your game. So I’m gonna be completely honest with you. And so that’s something that I offer. It’s called a heart with ears. I can put a link to that in the show notes as well.
Victoria Volk: But yeah, yeah. Navigating tears through changes and transitions. Life is such a ride, isn’t it? I send you the biggest hug, lots of love today as you navigate, whatever change and transition you are going through. And I implore you to remember when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Emotions, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mental Health, Parenting, Pespective, Podcast, Q&A |
Q&A | Why Do I Struggle In Friendships and Find Parenting Unfulfilling?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In today’s episode, I share an a-ha realization with you: a question I’ve wondered about myself for the past eighteen years.
I answer my own question in today’s episode regarding relationships with friends, my kids, and myself.
An important aspect of growth is self-awareness. Sometimes, we need to hear the right thing at the right time, unlocking an a-ha moment we’ve been waiting to receive. Those a-ha moments can shift our perspective or even possibly change the trajectory of our entire lives.
The best way to put ourselves in the way of a-ha moments is by diving into self-awareness, utilizing tools, and seeking out connections with others who can reflect what we can’t see for ourselves.
As you listen to this episode, maybe you can relate, and if you do, I hope it’s the encouragement you need to explore the inner workings of your mind and heart, too.
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Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, whatever time it is that you’re listening to this episode. Thank you for tuning in. And today, I have a bit of a different episode. It is a Q and A, but I’m pretty much going to be answering my own question that I’ve asked myself for eighteen years and that I essentially discovered the answer to just this week. And if you’re not familiar with human design, you may want to be If you’re into kind of a little bit of the woo woo, it’s kind of woo woo, but it’s really not. If you’re into astrology, things like that, this is information and data that can’t be manipulated or skewed because your birth date and your birth time and your birth place are unique to you. So with personality tests like Myers Briggs and things like that, you can easily manipulate the questions, right, to get a desired outcome.
Victoria Volk: On Myers Briggs, I am an INFP but I’m also a Pisces and so that makes a lot of sense to me. But human design is a little bit different in that it’s I’m not gonna get into all the explanatory things about it just because I’m no human design expert. I’m just sharing a pretty big aha moment that I had a realization that I had this week just based on what I’ve learned about my own human design. I originally came into human design, not through human design itself, but through another modality called Gene keys which is kind of uses a similarity of astrology and things like that as well, like human design, but I’m probably saying something wrong in this, description of gene keys, human design, all of that. Again, I’m no x spart, just take it with a grain of salt, do your own research.
Victoria Volk: But I would just If you’re curious, I’m gonna put a link in the show notes to where you can input your birth information and find out which of the four energy types you are. And I think there’s four. Right? Projector, Reflector, Generator, Manifesting Generator, and Manifestor. So there’s five. And I am a manifestor. Interestingly, my husband is also a manifestor, and all three of our children are manifesting generators.
Victoria Volk: No wonder why I was exhausted, raising children. Anyway, because as a manifestor, we have periods of rest. We need periods of rest. And this really this conversation does tie into what I do because this is all about our energy. It talks human design helps you understand where your energy is may be being taxed. It takes a little step further than even like the quiz that I offer on my website for free. We can go really deep with human design, really deep. And when I was first came across it, well over a year ago, almost two years ago, I believe it was. It felt so big to me. It seems so overwhelming. There’s so much to it.
Victoria Volk: The one thing I want to share with you today though is being a manifestor with an emotional authority, with a split definition. And again, these things probably don’t may not make any sense to you, but do your own research and you’ll understand what I’m talking about. But I’m a four-six opportunistic role model. So I’m a manifest emotional manifestor with lines four six.
Victoria Volk: What I’ve learned this week is that I listened to a podcast from that was that’s was started by another fellow manifestor. And aside from my husband, I don’t know of another manifestor. Now, again, I have ran the the body grafts of everybody I know. So there could be manifestors in my life that I’m just not aware of. That being said, this week, I’ve had so many awareness is about probably why my marriage works, why we’ve been able to celebrate twenty years this week. We get each other. We truly get each other. I think if I would have maybe married any other type other than maybe a projector because manifestors and projectors seem to get along beautifully. There could have been a lot of conflict that I would have experienced otherwise. What I’ve also realized is I’ve had relationships in the past, particularly friendships, particularly one friendship I was reflecting on just today as I was listening to another podcast episode about manifestors, is that as a manifestor we generally don’t need people. We don’t need relationships. However, we want relationships. And one of our core wounds as a manifestor is rejection. And so oftentimes, other people are drawn to the manifestor energy. And that can be to our detriment as a manifestor I’ve certainly experienced that myself. You don’t have to be a manifestor to for that to be your experience.
Victoria Volk: I think there’s there’s a lot of different aspects of the body graph of the human design that can influence those things, those experiences you have in your life. But when it comes, when I circle back to that friendship relationship that I previously mentioned, I realized that in listening to this podcast episode because what happens is because we don’t need people, we are rarely inspired by others. We as a manifestor are the initiators. We initiate other people. We initiate within ourselves. I don’t need someone else to initiate anything for me because as a manifestor, I do that on my own.
Victoria Volk: So this is what I mean And what I’ve learned when I say we don’t, as a manifestor, you don’t need other people. But we want relationships. Because we’re human and we desire connection and all of those things. But what happens is as if as a manifestor, you find yourself infatuated with someone else, which from what I’ve learned from this manifestor expert who provides trainings and things on human design. She had said that we early as manifestors, fan girl or fan boy, have fascination with other people. So when that happens, it’s really jarring to us. It’s really uncomfortable. Because that’s when we might have our wounds being exposed that fear of rejection. There’s four core wounds, and I that’s the only one I’m thinking of right now because that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, particularly as it relates to relationships in this aha moment I had.
Victoria Volk: But everything just came so clear to me today that in that relationship, that friendship that fell away, it was me I became I I I absolutely fell in love with this person’s personality. They inspired me I felt. Not infatuated, but just intoxicated by this person’s energy. Like, I was really drawn to this person’s energy which hadn’t happened before in a friendship like that since I’ve been in business. Like, that’s the first business other she’s in business. It was the first business friendship colleague that does healing work and things like that that I became enamored by her and all my shit came up. All of my core wounds came up and I sabotaged the friendship. I realize now the way my energy operated and how my wounds came up to teach me something.
Victoria Volk: I’ve done a lot of grief work and personal deep work since that friendship, like after that was around twenty eighteen. So it’s been several years, but just today, just this week, I’ve had this awareness of this is the pattern for me in friendships, certain friendships at times. Is that’s the shadow of working with your core wounds, and that’s what the human design can tell you. What those are and you can bring them to your awareness and you can have this clarity that makes you hop on a podcast to talk about it like I’m doing right now. Okay. So that’s friendships that’s just one aspect of human design that has blown the lid off of my awareness cap this week.
Victoria Volk: And the main topic and question that I mentioned in the very beginning that I haven’t even talked about yet, and I’m like, twelve minutes in is relates to parenting and parenting as a manifestor. And the same woman who started this manifestor podcast, it’s called, what is it called hunting for purpose. If you have not listened to it, if you are a manifesto, run, don’t walk. Listen to the podcast because I have had so many moments of clarity just listening to her because not only is she a manifests her. She’s also a four line four six just like me, and she also has the thirty five thirty six gate like I do, which is like the gate of, like, the first thirty years of your life, you’re gonna go through a lot of shit. And then from thirty to fifty years old, you’re gonna sit and ponder and reflect. And then from fifty on, you become this wise sage. So I’m I’m getting closer to that fifty in beyond, so I’m looking forward to that.
Victoria Volk: But anyway, she has because she shares so many similar qualities as myself, which a defined spleen as well. We both have. It’s almost as if when she speaks about herself as she is describing me. But she’s coming at it with so much more wisdom about human design that I can’t even like, my brain has been mush almost the sweet just because I’ve been having to do a lot of driving and so I’ve been listening to podcasts pretty much all day, every day. And this one thing that she talked about was motherhood as a manifestor. And yesterday, as she spoke about it. I felt myself getting emotional as a typical emotional manifestor would because I realized that what I was feeling, especially when I first had children and when they were younger, it’s become a lot easier now that they’ve gotten older, they’re more self-reliant. We’ve developed it’s just when you become when they become teenagers and they’re coming to their own. It’s I really feel like we’ve developed some really rich relationships. My children and I individually. And I say with so much gratitude, I have so much gratitude for the growth I’ve had in the last five years that have enabled me to develop those deeply rich relationships I currently have with my kids. And I’m getting emotional, as I say that. So I fiercely love my kids. And so what I’m about to say has really helped me release a lot of grief and grief a little yeah grief, guilt, shame. Because I wasn’t understanding my own energy. I didn’t understand myself.
Victoria Volk: Yesterday, she shared how she announced manifestors as mothers. Motherhood is not fulfilling for us. It’s not enough, and it will never be enough. And I felt a lot of guilt because I felt that way. I have felt that way. I could never just be a mom. I always had to be doing something else for myself, for me that was and I’ve spoken about and tidbits. Like, here and there, like photography starting my photography business was my creative outlet. But, really, tt’s because motherhood wasn’t fulfilling to me that was not enough and that brings up makes me remember another core wound of a manifestor as mediocrity. It’s this feeling of what am I going to leave? What’s gonna be my legacy? Like, not meeting my own potential? My own expectations for myself?
Victoria Volk: And we can I mean, expectations is a whole another episode, but that’s really been another key awareness for me this week? But I just wanted to leave you with this that I cannot stress enough the importance of understanding yourself and getting to know yourself on a level that you probably have never even given yourself the opportunity to explore. Because what I have released this week and what I have learned this week about myself just in my thoughts, just as just in reflecting it with my own thoughts. I feel I’ve grown exponentially as a mom, as a person just be having these things come into my awareness because now I can look at relationships moving forward and look at being a mother moving forward with an understanding of that’s just who I am and that’s okay. And that I’m enough.
Victoria Volk: Please check out your human design. If you’re the least bit curious and you can write it off, you can just like I did at first, like, oh, this is too much. It’s too overwhelming. I don’t have time for this. And it is a lot of in information. Trust me it is. But the website that I’m going to link to in the show notes, it’s has really great explain it. When you click on something or you hover over, it really explains it well. And you’re gonna be like, oh my god, this is this is totally me. This is totally me. But to have someone as another manifestor because only nine percent of the world are manifestors, and our world has been built by manifestors. Because manifestors are the initiators. It’s just been really fascinating to learn that. Yeah. It’s just been really fascinating week. Learning about myself.
Victoria Volk: So anyway, I don’t even really know what the question is this week that I should title this, but why should I care about getting to know myself? Here’s two reasons for you today. If you are a parent and you have relationships, because life happens in the context of relationships, and I can tell you with all the grievers I’ve worked with and the grief work that I’ve done personally myself we grieve in the context of relationships and that includes with ourselves the guilt and shame that we carry for various reasons and feeling misunderstood which many manifestors do. You’ve probably grown up feeling misunderstood.
Victoria Volk: In fact, I was just reflecting yesterday. I had to classmate actually right on my the back of a senior picture that was given to me that I was weird. That I was weird. My kids have told me that, you’re weird. You know, and people need no harm. This classmate meant no harm. It was his opinion, whatever. But I thought about that. I’ve been out of high school. Many years. So the things that stick with us. Right? I just felt so misunderstood. And that remark right there on the back of that picture just zoomed right in on why that’s true. Why that is true, why I felt that that was true. But now at the HIM. Older, wiser I guess, I’m gonna own my weird. I’ve started to own my weird in the last several years and my kids seem to love it. They love my weird and I’m happy about that. My husband seems to love my weird, but he’s weird too because they’re both manifestors because manifestors are kinda weird.
Victoria Volk: So anyway, you’re a manifestor? I see you. If you’re not a manifestor, I also see you because that’s one of the gift gifts of a manifestor as we see people for who they are. Because if there’s any energy type that is misunderstood, it is the manifestor.
Victoria Volk: Get to know yourself, my friends. It is the greatest gift that you can ever give yourself and those you love. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, solo episode |
The Grief of Burnout and Not Knowing Yourself
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In today’s episode, I will cover the other two pillars of YouMap®: Skills and Personality. If you listened to last week’s episode, I discuss the first two pillars of YouMap®, which are the Strengths and Values.
This week, I’m diving deeper into:
- The difference between Preferred and Least Preferred Skills
- The 6 Personality Interest Types (as they relate to career/life satisfaction)
- The 3 Levels of Coaching
According to Korn Ferry International, 85 percent of skills can be transferred from one job to another.
This means the expertise, knowledge, and abilities gained in a specific role can be applicable and valuable in a different job or industry. However, many individuals might not fully recognize the potential of their transferable skills, often underestimating how their existing competencies can be leveraged in a new position they have not previously experienced.
Understanding and acknowledging these transferable skills are crucial in maximizing career opportunities and navigating job transitions successfully. Emphasizing transferable skills can empower job seekers to present themselves as versatile and adaptable candidates to employers, expanding their possibilities in the ever-changing job market.
Why does this all matter? Considering we spend the majority of our lives in our careers/work life, isn’t it more satisfying when you’re doing something you enjoy and maximizing everything about you that is expressed through your YouMap®?
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE. Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello there. Thank you for tuning in to this week’s episode of grieving voices. This is going to be continuation from last week’s episode where I’ll be talking about skills and personality type as they relate to what’s called the Youmap. If you did not listen to last week’s episode where I talk about the Youmap more in-depth like an overview. And the first two pillars, I cover more in-depth, strengths and values, then I highly recommend you go back to that episode because it’s going to lay the foundation for what I’m going to cover today.
Victoria Volk: So today, we’re gonna be talking about skills and personality type. And skills are important to know just because, you know, we might think we know what we like to do, or we definitely know what we don’t like to do. But just because we are good at something doesn’t mean we like doing it or enjoy doing it or just because we think we might like something, and then we actually go do it that might not be the case either. We can actually be really good at something too and not enjoy it, and then overuse that skill. And then it becomes what’s called a burnout skill. And so it’s very important to discern for ourselves what our most preferred and least preferred skills are because we can really hone in on opportunities that may come our way.
Victoria Volk: We can find a resume or an application or things like that, organizations or any even volunteering, we can apply this knowledge about ourselves to these opportunities and make a more informed decision as to if that opportunity is really for me. And again, this is one aspect of the Youmap. Strength also plays a role and what you value is huge as well. Because if you are working for a company that lacks integrity, but you are integrity is very important to you. Probably not gonna be very happy in that work environment.
Victoria Volk: So, anyway, today, skills. We’re gonna talk about skills. And skills are the abilities and expertise that contribute to an individual’s capacity to perform competently in a role and those skills are usually portable across many jobs. According to Korn Ferry International, 85 percent of skills are transferable from job to job. And many people don’t even realize how their skills can transfer to a role they haven’t even held in the past. We see this a lot with veterans military people, personnel, often find themselves in law enforcement. Now you wouldn’t think that someone who was in the military, like myself, let’s say, as a medic, would end up in, you know, as a police officer, but that happens. Because there are so many different skills that we learn in that environment, you know, going through the different training and things like that are transferable to civilian world in, let’s say, law enforcement. And so understanding what skills may be transferrable is important too if you’re wanting to make a career change or you’re like the military, you’re coming out of the military. Well, what are you what are you gonna do with that experience and skills, and knowledge that you learned from the military, how are you going to translate that into the civilian life? If you are a veteran or you are in the military and this as part of you’re finding yourself in that process right now. I encourage you to reach out to me. The military offers so many opportunities to learn.
Victoria Volk: And I think there’s a lot of really intelligent and motivated people out there whose skills were utilized in the military, but maybe they’re being underutilized in the civilian world right now. There are as many companies that love hiring veterans, and so I’ve actually come across many resources. So if this is you and you’re struggling to find work, I encourage you to reach out to me because I have a lot of resources I could share. In that regard. But anyway, the most preferred skills are defined as a skill that you are good at and enjoy using. The keyword, “enjoy using”. A skill, a client hasn’t had a chance to use yet, but believes they would enjoy using also. So like I said, you know, you may not have had the chance to do that certain thing, but you believe that you would enjoy it. So that’s a preferred skill as well. A least preferred skill is defined as something you’re good at, but you do not enjoy using. It is something you are not good at and do not enjoy using. And it’s also something you may haven’t had the chance to use, but you believe you would not enjoy using that skill.
Victoria Volk: Now, you can have a skill that you’re not good at, but you believe that you would enjoy. Could be something that we would work on or could be flagged for development. So then we would assess, well, what could you do to build your knowledge around that skill and gain more experience and things like that? Especially if it’s a leadership role, you know, what are other ways in your community that you could get more familiarized with leadership roles or things like that, for example. So anyway, we have these we go there’s a whole list of these skills. And then we do some math, and we figure out the total number of most preferred skills. And we figure out total number of the least preferred skills and we calculate a percentage and and this percentage will tell us if you are a specialist or if you are a generalist where you like to wear many multiple hats at work. And then we can also determine based on some calculations, if you are using burnout skills, too many burnout skills, or if you’re being underutilized. So we really glean a lot of information from this part of the Youmap assessment. And you can actually see in different categories as well.
Victoria Volk: For example, let’s say most of your preferred skills might be for example, expedite or make arrangements, manage time, plan, or organize. That tells me that you love and you love managing processes and projects. However, if you don’t enjoy adapting to change or customer service, or multitasking, these would probably be burnout skills under management process under managing processes or projects. So those are things important to know because if you’re going into a certain job, a new job, or you’re looking to transition and customer service is like one of their main things. And that’s part of your job description and but that’s a burnout skill for you that might not be the best role for you to take on.
Victoria Volk: And so all of these, it’s not just a matter of spitting out this information and now you know what your skills are and things like that. There there’s so much more to this and it’s a really deep assessment compared to probably many others that you’ve taken. In how and what we do with the information. So it’s not just it’s like, okay, now I know this stuff, but now what? And for the work that I do with grievers, it’s not enough to just know themselves. It’s and for anybody in general, actually, it’s not just grievers, but it’s not enough for us to just know ourselves or know these things about ourselves and see it in black and white on paper in the u map, but it’s what do I do with this information? And so this is where the coaching comes in. And there are three different levels to the coaching. You can just get the Youmap, which involves no coaching whatsoever, or you can get the u map and a mini debrief, which is a brief overview, or you can go through the full coaching that goes through every pillar more in-depth specific to your u mab. And so that’s where they differ a little bit, but just having this knowledge is great. And but again, it’s how do you implement it in your life? How do you use this? Information as a guide moving forward. As, you know, what’s the word I’m trying to think of? A roadmap moving forward. And on something to fall back on to discern opportunities as they come your way or even to assess relationships in your life. If you know, maybe your loved one, maybe you want him or her or, you know, someone special in your life to take the u map and you can gain a better understanding of each other, right, before you dive into marriage or, I mean, it’s a really great way to talk about what it is that you bring to the relationship individually. And I did touch more on a lot more on that on in the last episode.
Victoria Volk: So again, I’d encourage you to go back to that one. So now that we’ve talked a little bit about skills. Let’s move on to personality. So the fourth pillar explores your personality and the interests aspect of the personality is determined by the person’s traits. So in the u map, we use a personality inventory, and there are six different interest types, realistic, which are the doers, investigative are the thinkers. The artistic type are the creators. The social type are the helpers. The enterprising type are the persuaders and the conventional type are the organizers. Now for example, I am artistic investigative. So those two together makes what’s called the idealist. I am the creator and the thinker. So how the Youmap uses the descriptor words for artistic investigative are intensely verbal, private, opinionated, somewhat antisocial, highly idealistic, perpetually thinking, extremely perceptive. And the idealist is most fascinated by the work that is in their head exploring ideas and creating They are soulful, deep thinkers, and they are also passionate. They need intellectual challenge and creative stimulation or their minds tend to wonder. And you would be amazed when you actually get your Youmap, how spot on it is. And this is me to a t. They have very high standards and ideals and crave being alone, which I do. They need autonomy to think and create, which I do. They tend to work long hours to see an idea through to completion I do. Idealists are intellectually curious and need to be challenged. And any work that involves repetitive tasks is bad fit. So is highly technical work or anything that involves working directly with customers, which I work directly with clients, but working in customer service when in my younger years definitely taught me a lot. But I definitely need and it’s not that I hate customers. I don’t it’s not that I dislike customers. I’ve seen my clients as my customers of course. But it’s those short-term interactions where you really don’t get to connect with people I’m much more of a let’s connect more deeply one on one or in a small group. And, you know, it’s just very different dynamic So what the u map personality type gives you is kind of, like, really what what is your best match for the type of work that you could be doing? So we take these six interest type.
Victoria Volk: And I’ll go over just each of them briefly again, more in-depth sold the realistic or the doers. Individuals with a realistic career code tend to prefer work that involves practical hands on solutions to problems. They value things they can see, touch, and use. They’d rather work with their hands than sit behind a desk for example. Well. And then we also get occupation samples or, you know, different ideas for occupation based on the different interest types. So the realistic or the doer would be the ambulance driver, the EMT technicians, veterinarians, elect things like that, investigative, the thinkers, those with an investigative career code are intellectual, curious, and reserved. And they like to solve problems and engage in challenges in their work. They do not like routine work that forces them to check their brain at the door. In fact, their work often involves ideas and heavy mental lifting. So they also tend to avoid careers that involve leading or influencing people and selling. So some ideas for the invest gate of thinkers are fire investigators, registered nurses, software developers, analysts, market research, analysts, database, architects, things like that. I which really is funny because I really geek out over like kitchen gadgets and like any any types of gadgets. And I love learning new software. So That is totally me. Artistic creators, this type of code, they’re imaginative, creative, original, independent, and expressive. In general, they tend to avoid work that involves highly structured or routine activities. And these individuals are inspired to create weather through activities such as music, writing, drawing, dance photography or art, which in my previous years, I had a photography business. So it’s kinda interesting, you know, reading through these and recognizing, like, oh, I used to do that. And, you know, it’s like, it’s not that we don’t know ourselves.
Victoria Volk: It’s like we know these things intuitively, but it’s like we don’t understand ourselves. Like, why do I do the things I do? The Youmap helps explain that. Moving on to social, the helpers, individuals with a social career code are interested in serving society and making a difference in people’s lives. They like to help people and their work is often centered around people. Like social careers, nonprofits, education, healthcare. They are helpful, friendly, loyal, generous, you know, these are our teachers, dietetic technicians, midwives health educators, patient representatives, for example. Moving on to enterprising, the persuaders, these individuals you’ll often deal with business, leadership or politics, involved in making decisions, starting up and carrying out projects, selling ideas or things. They are generally energetic, ambitious, dominant, outgoing, and and competitive. So think about financial services, sales reps, CEOs, judges, human resource specialists, supply chain managers, people in charge basically. The conventional, the organizer type are the glue that holds organizations together. They provide structure, process, and order that all organizations need to run smoothly. People with this career type are generally methodical detailed oriented, cautious, organized, responsible, and quality oriented. So for example, insurance claim clerk or medical secretary’s accountants, pharmacy tax, loan officers, research assistance, or financial analysts, So these six personal personality types provide a glimpse into a person’s internal, interpersonal and environmental preferences. And when we hone in on their two strongest codes, for example, like I mentioned, mine are artistic and investigative, more specific preferences are then revealed. And so then we take this information, all of this information, your strengths, your values, your skills, and your personality inventory type. And you have what’s called a workbook.
Victoria Volk: And the workbook is where you really answer questions that integrate this information more deeply. It helps you gain a better understanding and assimilate all of this information because is a lot of information that you receive in a u map. We also have what’s called dealmakers and breakers. It’s a worksheet for that. We have an ideal day worksheet.
Victoria Volk: There is so much information that you receive with the Youmap. It’s not just this assessment you take and you get this printout and then it goes in a drawer and it sits for years and years. This is something that you can use in your daily life, like I said, in your relationships for better understanding, and probably nurturing compassion because in understanding that we’re all different, you can be more compassionate towards others in your grief. Like, if you’ve lost a breadwinner in the household, like, what are you gonna do now? Right? Like, if you have to go out and get a second job or you have to get a job maybe for the first time after many years of not being in the workforce because now you have to go to work for whatever reason. Or you’ve been a stay-at-home parent and now you’re gonna enter the workforce again after being home with your kids for a while.
Victoria Volk: There are so many different scenarios where we find ourselves having to reinvent our lives, reinvent ourselves. Maybe you’ve had a change in health. In their the career that you had, you can no longer physically do that. But what can you do? There is something else you can do. You can still contribute to the world, you can still make a difference in people’s lives and as long as you’re not dead, you still have something to contribute You can still contribute to the world, you can still contribute to your life, and you can create your life with this information armed with this information, how you see it, how you want to see it, that fits you, who you are, and where you are in your life. And how you want to move forward. And this is the whole goal of Do Grief Differently and the Youmap together is moving forward, onward, and upward in a positive direction and creating lasting transformational change that leads you to have a fulfilling, soulful, self-honoring life.
Victoria Volk: Because when we honor who we are, what we get back is joy. How can it be any other way? If you’re interested in the Youmap, you wanna learn more there’s a link on my website where you can email me [email protected]. If you are interested in working with me and receiving your Youmap and diving deeper. If you’re a veteran or you’re in the military and you’re gonna be sitting soon, coming into civilian life, and you’re kind of feeling overwhelmed. Like, what are you gonna do? This is perfect for you.
Victoria Volk: We actually have a specific workbook that is specific for military personnel. If you’re an entrepreneur, or if you one that’s geared more towards life coaching, there’s a specific workbook for your specific situation. If you are looking for employment, there’s a workbook specific for that.
Victoria Volk: So lots of information to share and help help you process. And I’m more than happy to do that and be there for you in that journey. And I hope this was helpful and maybe you understanding, yeah, there really is a lot more to us as human beings. They’re we’re complex. We’re so complex. And any tool that can help us better understand and just kind of make sense of everything, the better off we are for it and those we love. I encourage you to go back and listen to last week’s episode if you haven’t yet and check out my website for more information and reach out to me because life’s too short to be staying in a cubicle you don’t wanna be in or doing something that is sucking the joy out of your life. Right? And perhaps like me, you’ll receive the Youmap and it’ll be life-affirming like I am doing exactly what I meant to be doing. This is a perfect fit for me. And that’s what the Youmap did for me. It was very life-affirming, but what it also did then was it gave me the language to articulate what it is that I really do. Thank you for listening. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, Q&A, Spirituality |
Q&A | The Grief of a Midlife Crisis
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Did you know that the term “midlife crisis” was coined by Elliot Jacques, a psychoanalyst who came up with the term in 1965 after noticing significant changes in one of his middle-aged clients?
A lot has changed since 1965; the way we eat, how we eat, what we drive, societal views about marriage and children, etc. It’s as if Mr. Jacques saw the writing on the wall back then. Fast-forward fifty-eight years, and the “midlife crisis” has become, in some respects, a societal joke. Hit forty, and you might have an affair, buy a sports car, or make some other radical, life-altering change due to aging panic…or is it due to something else?
In this episode, I explore the idea of a midlife crisis, or rather, a midlife unraveling, and the accompanying grief. Which comes first? Grief or the midlife unraveling?
I believe that we all experience a midlife crisis to some degree. The question is: what do you do about it? Well, you’ll find that there’s more to a midlife crisis than meets the eye.
Listen, reflect, and connect with me on social media – I’d love to continue this conversation!
🎙 Do you have a question you would like addressed on the podcast? Message me on social media or email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com with “Grieving Voices Q&A” in the subject line.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, no matter what time you’re listening. Thank you for being here. And tuning in to grieving voices. I am your host, Victoria Volk. And today’s episode is number 147 and it’s a Q&A episode talking about a topic that I think hits a lot of people. And it’s the grief of a midlife crisis. This topic came up, I believe it was during a podcast interview I was guesting on. And I want to bring up a article that I came across and I’ll put the link to it in the show notes. It was on HealthLine. And I’m just gonna I mean really this article kind of talks about midlife crisis as as we age. As being like this issue that you have when you’re aging. And there’s a part in here that says a period of soul searching is relatively common but only about 10 to 20 percent of people actually face some kind of crisis in middle age. Experts mostly consider the midlife crisis, in air quotes, a cultural phenomenon, a western myth fueled by tired media tropes. I don’t know about you but I think I personally believe that we all experience a mid life crisis or a midlife unraveling, whatever you want to call it, to some degree in our lives at some point. Their phase in our lives.
Victoria Volk: And so let’s define a midlife crisis. Typically, it is around ages forty and sixty with ten years of wiggle room according to this article. New roles and responsibilities not to mention changes in your career, family life, and health can create a perception of middle age before you reach the momentous, big four or birthday. Maybe you’ve had children at a young age, so you’re still in your thirties, when they leave home or perhaps early success prompts you to retire early, leaving you financially secure but somewhat dissatisfied at loose ends. In short, midlife can begin at a different point for everyone.
Victoria Volk: And actually the term midlife was developed by Elliott Jaques, a psychoanalyst who came up with the term in 1965 after noticing significant changes in one of his middle aged clients. According to Jacques, this crisis prompts feelings of depression, anguish, and loss related to the approaching end of life. He also noted that it often involved a loss of creativity and confidence along with the first inklings of mortality, the transition of middle age is often suggested to involve other emotional turmoil. Such as declining happiness and life satisfaction, aimlessness or loss of life purpose, self-doubt, frustration with changing life roles and responsibilities, boredom and dissatisfaction with your relationship career or life in general, concerns about your appearance and how others perceive you, thoughts about death, the meaning of life, and other existential, that’s a hard word to say. Existential concepts, changes in energy levels from increased restlessness to unusual fatigue, less motivation or interest in pursuing goals and activities you use to enjoy. Mood changes, including anger, irritability, and sadness, and changes in sexual desire.
Victoria Volk: Well, I don’t know about you, but I think all of us experience some of this to some degree. So the fact that experts air quotes believe that this is that a midlife crisis is a cultural phenomenon and a western myth ought to wake up and smell the coffee because why do we see people resorting to behaviors to feel better if they were so satisfied with their lives. If they did not feel self-doubt, if they didn’t lack purpose, if they didn’t have thoughts of death in the meaning of life and purpose, or if they’re bored, not dissatisfied with the relationship career life in general. Like, are these surprising reasons? Like, are we surprised that most people that we know, maybe even new or ourselves, like, I know I have experience this sense of a midlife crisis or midlife unraveling, which I like to call it. Because I think, especially like turning 40. It is like this midphase. Like, you’re you’re looking to the past you’re thinking you’re reflecting on the past, you’re thinking about all the life that came before you, all the experiences, maybe there’s been a lot of hurt and a lot of pain and a lot of sorrow and grief and loss. And you’re thinking ahead, well, what do I have to look forward to? What do I want my last however many years to look? What do I want to produce in the world? How do I wanna show up for myself or my loved ones or my family and friends? What legacy do I want to leave? Like, it’s overwhelming when we think about having maybe thirty years left to live or twenty years left to live in the fact is that we don’t know how many years we have left to live.
Victoria Volk: And so especially as we get into the 40s, what happens when we start to get into the 40s? We’re almost we become like this sandwich generation. We’re still raising kids and yet we have aging parents, so we’re taking care of the young and the old. We’re having to transition from being the child, to being the caregiver and the caretaker, and the responsible one for the care of our parent, an aging parent maybe. We’re having to make big decisions, big changes possibly in our lives. This is a huge transitional period. And for anyone that says that the midlife crisis is a myth I do wholeheartedly wholeheartedly wholeheartedly absolutely disagree. I think it’s something that we need to talk about more. I think it’s something that we need to less stigmatized as being something that this period of time, or you have an affair, or you spend all your money, or you buy the race car or the fancy car or you go have liposuction or BOTOX and it’s not just an aging. It’s not just about aging. Yes, that has a lot to do with that, I think. But at the same time, like, what is the bigger picture? What has happened to you in your past that makes you reflect and bring into your future. Like, what has happened in the past that you’re bringing into your present moment that you will take into your future. That is affecting you right now.
Victoria Volk: Because I guarantee you you’ve had experiences in the past that are coming up again, especially if you have become the caregiver to your parent. I can bring up a lot for someone. It can be a very difficult position to be in. When maybe it was a less than loving relationship. Maybe you’re struggling with your child. Maybe your child is struggling. So your relationship is struggling. Maybe your marriage is struggling. Like, there’s so many things. This is the period too where you know, the friendships might change. As your kids get older and maybe move off to college and things, like the things that connected you with your friend group, the children. Right? You connected with these people because of your kids and now your kids are gone or now your kids are older and leave the house and go to college and what have you, those friendships can change. You can lose friendships because now there is not that commonality, that common ground that brought you together in the first place.
Victoria Volk: And so it’s a really huge time of transition. And in all of these signs and symptoms of a midlife crisis that I mentioned earlier, decline in happiness, self-doubt, frustration with changing life roles, responsibilities, mood changes, changes in sexual desire, etcetera, etcetera. It is par for the course. Like, these are things that we will experience in our lives, all of us, no matter what your gender is or how you identify or what have you. Like, we all go through these things. Not all of them may be necessarily, but many of them. Right? Like, we can have boredom and dissatisfaction with a relationship career or life in general because maybe we’re looking back and the things that we used to love to do we haven’t had the time or made the time because maybe we are that sandwich generation of now caring for small children or getting children that are growing and a parent at the same time. So it’s we’re put in these different roles as we get older and our roles change. And with change, can comes grief. Because grief is a change in familiar pattern of behavior. And so during this huge time of change, in midlife, we’re going to experience grief. No doubt about it.
Victoria Volk: They say that this that happiness is a you. Research has found some evidence this article says to suggest that happiness or general satisfaction with life takes the shape of a you. It begins to decline by early adulthood, eventually reaching its lowest point in the mid to late 40s. But then it begins to rise once more. This finding is pretty much universal. It holds true for people in a hundred and thirty two countries around the world independent of any outside factors that might affect life satisfaction and happiness. Experts don’t yet understand why this dip happens, but some believe it could represent an evolutionary stage. In any case, it may help explain some of the distress you experience in midlife. And offers some reassurance that these feelings aren’t permanent.
Victoria Volk: I would agree with that too. They don’t have to be permanent. But I think that a lot of these things that people experience self-doubt, aimlessness or a loss of life purpose or declined in happiness or life satisfaction. These things can take root. They can take hold and they can impact the remaining years of your life. If you allow it because I think too, coming back to reflecting on the first half of your life, maybe a lot of loss and grief. And all these things can resurface with life experience and midlife. Again, with aging parents, it can bring up a lot of stuff. Even having kids can bring up a lot of stuff, especially getting when they get into the teenagers, kids bring up all of our insecurities. Maybe you’re venturing into entrepreneurship and that can bring up a lot of insecurities and things from your past, belief systems. Again, I’m going to say that I believe all of us experience a midlife unraveling to some degree or another. And I do believe that it can be something that can help you evolve and grow if you’re willing to embrace the change. Embrace the transition because it really is a phase of transition and transformation. It can be. And it can really knock you on your ass at the same time.
Victoria Volk: This article goes on to say, well, how long does it last? Well, there’s no set timeline for supposed midlife crisis. There’s no timeline for grief either is there. Everyone experiences it differently, processes it, differently. But at the same time, everyone has different stressors. Everyone is experiencing a different trigger, I guess in their lives that catapults them into this midlife unraveling. And So I think everyone’s situation is very unique to them. But again, I will say that how you respond to that midlife unraveling, definitely I think plays a role in how quickly you rebound from it as well. And that’s the same for loss. If you’ve experienced a lot of loss in your life and you’ve never really looked at it and never allowed yourself to feel everything that you’ve experienced, processed it emotionally and with your body, you’re probably holding on to some junk. In there, and it’s probably manifesting as some physical symptoms, fibromyalgia, or hypertension, or migraines, things like that.
Victoria Volk: But a midlife unraveling can also lead you to behaviors that kind of exasperate those things that are already existing. Those behaviors that you already are participating in, a midlife unraveling can exasperate that. You can, like, go deeper into the alcohol. You can dive deeper into prescription drugs or promiscuous behavior or risk ski behavior or gambling or shopping, it comes back to the grief. Again, the grief of a midlife crisis, the grief of a midlife unraveling. It’s all tied together. And so, like this article says, how do you handle it? Well, how do you handle grief? Right? You gotta acknowledge it and acknowledge your feelings. I like how this article says to remember that your life is expanding and not shrinking. And I think it can be really easy to look at our age or if we’re looking at a midlife crisis as an age-related issue, which I don’t necessarily fully believe it is. I think we can have a midlife unraveling kind of at any point. I mean, you can be 30 years old and have had a really traumatic life up to that point where it feels like you’ve lived five lifetimes. Where you’ve experienced more in your life than most people experience in a lifetime. And so I think it is unique to you. I don’t know that I don’t fully believe that it has to be that it would be in your 40s necessarily. But again, it comes back to that societal just how society looks at midlife and the midlife crisis and the getting the fancy the midlife crisis car or things like that. But I like how this article says how you recognize that your life is expanding and not shrinking. And I think that’s where gratitude comes in. It’s really looking at the past for what it is and looking ahead with hope. And not like that with this idea or this belief that the best years are behind you.
Victoria Volk: And it reminds me of a guest who said Quandell. He was a recent where are they now episode and he had shared. What if everybody lived their lives as if the best years are yet to come? And I think that’s where this whole idea of when we think about the midlife crisis or midlife unraveling is thinking about our lives in that way, that the best years are yet to come. It’s not in the past, it’s and not necessarily the past was may be good to you either, you know. So I think it’s giving gratitude for the lessons of the past. And looking ahead to the future of asking yourself those big questions, the deeper questions, getting more curious about what you want your life to be like at the end of life. There’s an opportunity there to expand rather than look at your life as if it’s shrinking.
Victoria Volk: And I think this is where too as the article shares, to take stock of your relationships, how important relationships are, friendships are. I’m gonna mention in this episode again, I’ve ahead and episode. My guest shared this and I’m gonna share it again about the four people to have in your corner. This refers to women women friendships, but men can apply this to their lives as well. But you always want that wise person. You want the wise friend. You want the emotional support who only listens. And you want the go-getter. And four, you want the late-night talker. So those are the four types of friends or four people to have in your corner. The wise person, emotional support, the go-getter, and the late-night talker. And I think that’s an important aspect to have in relationships as a part of your life especially when you’re going through a challenging time such as grief or loss or midlife unraveling, right, which can be triggered by many many number of different things. And the importance of your taking care of your mental health. And I think if we’re addressing the relationships and we’re addressing gratitude in looking at our past with thanks and appreciation for what it was and what it gave us. And what we experienced and looking ahead to the future with opportunity, with opportunistic eyes and potential, seeing the potential that we yet have to bring joy and light and love into the world. I think the mental health will follow suit. I think that life becomes more like. So be the light, be the love, and you’ll get more of that in return. And maybe that’s the cure for a midlife unraveling is making those things a priority. And seeking support wherever you need it.
Victoria Volk: And I’m gonna have an episode coming up or I’m gonna talk about more about life satisfaction as it relates to grief. I’m finishing up with a Do Grief Differently client and we had our second to last session recently, and she was sharing all of these amazing basically testimonials of what she’s experienced the past eleven sessions with me and through the program itself and the importance of having Youmap as a part of the program. It’s not just about working through your grief. It’s looking ahead to the future, which she does now, which she does now. And it’s such an important topic to talk about because what I do, it’s not talk therapy. It’s taking action. And action is where it’s at. Action is where transformation happens. And so I’m gonna be talking about that in a future episode coming up real soon.
Victoria Volk: And in the meantime, I want to leave you with something that I’ve never brought to the podcast before or shared, but I kinda like Oracle cards. And I don’t read them, you know, like, it’s not a session I offer. Like, I don’t, like, pull a card for people as an offering or anything like that. But when you work with me, it is something that if I feel called to, I will ask if you know, at the end of a session, energy healing session or end of a, you know, Grief Recovery, Do Grief Differently session. I’ll ask if the client wants me to pull a card. And generally speaking, I don’t choose the deck that I pulled the card from. I let my pendulum decide. But today, just for funsies, I decided to pull a card for you, my audience, and it’s from postcards, from Spirit. It’s a 52 Card Oracle Deck by Colette Baron-Reid. She’s the bestselling author of the map and Uncharted. I have not read the books, but I absolutely love this Oracle deck. And so I’m gonna read this card. I’m gonna leave this with you today because this is it’s absolutely perfect for what I’ve just shared, which I pulled the card, and then I recorded, so this is interesting. But perfect for the topic today.
Victoria Volk: And the card is reads. Dear you, There are times in life when taking a risk is better left for another day. Other times are perfect for taking that leap. No matter how dangerous it might seem. Well, hold on to your parachute strings for today is leap time. Realize that no matter what, we will not let you fall, drown, get lost, or hurt yourself in any way on this one. Even if it may feel like you are in a free fall, we are here for you, and you can stop freaking out about getting hurt and relax into this transition to something new. All the elements are in place and your soul is ready for a new experience. No matter what you’re asking about, it’s time to take the risk and do that thing that scares you. No matter what happens, you will land softly right on target. Don’t worry about the outcome. Spirits got that covered. It’s taking the leap itself. That’s the point. We love your courage, embrace it.
Victoria Volk: And thank you so much for listening to today’s episode. If you loved it, I would love to hear about it. And if you would like more cards, shared with you at the end of these episodes. Let me know. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Childhood Grief, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Healing, LGBTQ+, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, Where Are They Now? |
Jordan Brodie: Where Are They Now? | Redefining Success & Grief with Best Friend and Brother Loss
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
This “Where Are They Now?” episode with Jordan is a follow-up to the first conversation we recorded on 01/19/2021. Jordan’s first episode went live as episode 44 on 4/27/2021. You may want to check out that episode first, then come back to this follow-up episode.
In this follow-up episode, Jordan shares about the devastating loss of his older brother to a fentanyl overdose only a week after we recorded his first episode. In the time since, Jordan has been able to maintain his sobriety. However, in this episode, he goes into more depth on the impact the loss of his best friend, followed by the loss of his brother, had on him – and his sobriety.
Sobriety aside, Jordan also shares how his spiritual beliefs have been shaped by the loss of his best friend, Chase, and his older brother, Josh. And what he looks forward to in the future. Jordan is currently traveling Europe after living in Los Angeles for 11 years. He shares how leaving the glitz, glam, and city life has offered him the opportunity and experience of a lifetime. And maybe, for the first time, the time and space to discover how he wishes to define what success means to him moving forward.
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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today is a Where Are They Now episode. And it is a follow-up with a guest who I originally spoke to on January 19th, 2021, Jordan Brodie. And his episode went live on April 27th, 2021. It is episode 44. And it is titled Growing Up Gay, CODA, and with Addiction. And so if you haven’t listened to that episode you might wanna check that one out first and then come back to this one but I am so excited to catch up with Brodie. There has been a lot going on in his life since then. And also, actually, the week after we spoke, his brother had died of an overdose. And so that is where we will start today. But first of all, Jordan, thank you so much for being here. And you’re all the way over in France. So thank you so much for joining me from France. And I love the idea of following up with people after a couple years and because if I’m wondering how you’ve been, what’s what you’ve been up to, what’s changed in your life, I’m sure other people are too, And so thank you so much for taking the time to catch us all up.
Jordan Brodie: That’s so nice. You’re welcome. Thank you. Victoria, and so grateful to be back here today. So much has happened since Chase Guy. And even after that podcast, we recorded eight days after my older brother died. And, God, I think speaking with you, and, like, having been prepared from losing my best friend. It really helps me, I think, because Joshua’s death, my older brother was even more difficult for me emotionally. And Chase is definitely very difficult. I think, kind of, like, having this platform to tell my story I think it really helped my grieving process. And I just wanna thank you because it really did help me to talk about it right away. It really did. I don’t I think I really think I breathed well, and I’m still grieving. Chase and Josh and another’s losses in my life. Like, it’s a continuous thing, I think society prepares us to get things. Like, we’re in a consumer capitalistic society where we’re, you know, get get get we want this, we want that, we want new things, we want a new dog, a new puppy, a new bike, a new car, a new house, a new boyfriend, a new girlfriend. We always want new things. We gotta get that new iPhone every year. Our society doesn’t teach people how to lose things in a proper and healthy way. And you know, when some when you lose something, a lot of times people are like, oh, well, don’t worry. You can get another one. And that really invalidates the emotions. I’ve learned it’s not good to say that to people don’t say, oh, well, you can get a new cat, you can get a new dog. It invalidates the emotions. And also, I don’t like even people offer me, like, tissues or phoenix when I’m crying. Like, I don’t like being blocked. I want to just let it flow because I think it’s healthy. We have such a shame around crying and and losing things. But it’s a part of life. It’s inevitable getting on here here with you. It was about two years ago really helped me, like, with my grieving process because if I keep things bottled in, I go crazy. I really do, and I need to talk about what’s going on with me. And everyone does, not just on a podcast. We don’t just need to be on a podcast to talk to people who can talk to our friends, our family, our therapists, but I think it’s important to talk to someone and He really helped me, so thank you.
Victoria Volk: Thank you so much for sharing that because I really had no idea. I mean, I know we had kinda just talked over social media a little bit after I had heard that your brother had passed, but I had no idea. Those are the very things that we talk about in the program Do Grief Differently. Like, you know, when I try and educate people, like, don’t hand a tissue, you know, that stops someone from crying and so just the fact that you’ve re you remembered those things and that you found them helpful and you’re probably actually helping other people too and educate dating other people along the way in the past two years just based on what you’ve learned in our first conversation.
Jordan Brodie: Yeah, I really hope so. I really hope to be just a light inspiration by being vulnerable on social media, on the Internet, on YouTube, in public with people just being open and honest and authentic. I really hope it helps others, and I know it helps others. I’ve had people say, they look up to me. I do know I have people that looked up to me and I’m really grateful for that. It used to make me feel uncomfortable, but I’ve worked through my impostor syndrome and I think everyone, not just me, everyone can help anyone with their story. We all have a story to tell. You, Victoria, have a story to tell. All the listeners on here have a story to tell, and it’s important and it’s valid. And it doesn’t matter if you’re just a grocery store clerk or you’re just a farm Boy or you just you’re just a high schooler with no extracurricular activities or you are the football player or whatever you are, you have a story. Everyone has a story. It doesn’t matter who it is. You don’t have to be a royalty, a rich person, born into a rich family, a celebrity. It’s not just the celebrities that have stories to tell. It’s the little Joe’s and Bob’s and Dina’s and Susie’s in the middle of America, in the middle of Europe and then in middle of France. Everyone has a story and I love your podcast because you do interview everyone. It’s not just celebrities, it’s not just these people, it’s normal average job people dealing with free and everyone deals with Green in their life and it’s something we need to talk about. I don’t think any topic should be taboo. In this world because we’re all human. We all go through the same feelings and emotions and desires maybe different ways. But why should any topic be taboo or shameful when everyone is experiencing that?
Victoria Volk: In church recently, the priest had shared, we should not hide our wounds. When we hide our wounds and we don’t talk about our wounds, they kill us.
Jordan Brodie: Yeah.
Victoria Volk: And that speaks to what you’ve just been sharing.
Jordan Brodie: It’s very, very true. So since Josh and Chase died, by the way, Joshua’s death very difficult, and he actually died from the same death as Chase, a similar death. It was a fentanyl overdose. I don’t know the exact details about Chase, and I don’t even really know the exact details about Josh, but I know that he had COVID and had been isolated for two weeks, and then relapsed and it was an overdose on fentanyl. I did similar thing with Chase with Chase. I was like, how can I give service to his mother, like and being of service throughout Chase’s death process, like, after he died and asking his mother, like, how can I help? Like, I love Chase so much. Like, how can I help? She asked for help putting together his because it was during COVID, his Zoom memorial service for friends and family because COVID, we could she couldn’t have a big open funeral. It was only close family members, no friends. So I did that. I put together, I found a pastor, to run the services. And I got the made invitations. I invited a bunch of people. Like, It is really hard to do, but it helps me stay focused and help me stay safe. I had some friends donate money to pay the pastor because he was on Zoom and he was a friend from the Unitarian University of Church. We did this service. It was a beautiful service. I think I sing and my other friend saying and read a poem and it was very beautiful. Chase would have loved it because Chase was an artist, he was an actor, he was a performer, I still think about him. He’s still a superhero to me. He was obsessed with SpiderMan. When the new SpiderMan movie, came out. It was on I think it was on Joshua’s birthday. Josh’s birthday was February 18th, and he died from January 27th. It was somewhere around his birthday that the new SpiderMan movie came out and Chase was obsessed with SpiderMan. Chase where he had all these furnishings with him. It was kinda silly. It was like an adult child that became this part of that. But I would just the message of that SpiderMan movie. I don’t know if you saw it. Let’s just see the new SpiderMan. It was I don’t wanna ruin too much of the story for but for those who saw it that are listening, there was a message of forgiveness to those who have done you wrong. Because it’s a long story, but I don’t wanna ruin the plot, but there was a character in the movie who hurt SpiderMan. And SpiderMan had a choice to be to he had a choice to make. And he would have done something wrong if he wouldn’t have chosen to forgive And the thing about Chase and Josh is they go back from a fentanyl addiction, which drug dealers are lacing drugs of fentanyl. So I was angry. Like, at drug dealers, when Chase moved to LA, he was a very handsome he was very handsome and fellow people all the actor agents said he looked like the next action cooker. Sorry, handsome. And everyone just so many old guys came around promising him fame and fortune and I’ll be your agent. A lot of them just fed him drugs and got him high and took advantage of him. Like, it’s true. And it happens to so many people that move to LA. So many people I’ve seen it happen. I’ve been I was in LA for eleven years, and I saw so many people get chewed up and spit out And I’m so sad that she’s happened to be one of them. I luckily kind of avoided that. I avoided the drug part because I already got it up that out of my system in high school, but Chase fell into that. All these old gross men I was always so I was so protective of Chase. I mean, I knew him since I was eight years old. And I had a big crush on him. I didn’t realize that he was kind of my high school crush, but he only liked older thighs and I wasn’t necessarily as type. And I think we were both kind of afraid of each other in that way. I’m afraid of intimacy and being hurt and I was afraid to be honest with him about how a truly felt for him, and that was one of my biggest regrets. When she died. I was always so angry with Chase. I was like, Chase, why are you hanging out with this guy? You just want to fuck you. You just want systems like, oh, yeah. That he helps me with my scripts when I have auditioned. And I was like, I can help you with this script. Someone else can, but this guy is not confused. There were so many of these to be fair, like, one of these guys that I’m talking talking about, I don’t wanna say his name. He like, two years ago. He’s a really fit a popular agent in LA. And he literally got me tuned and canceled, and that he actually died from cancer, like, a few months ago, this guy in particular. And I was always like, Chase, why are you hanging out with this guy? Like, he’s not promising you anything. He’s just using you. He’s getting you high. He’s leading you on. And, you know, this is good. To share because I heard of the superficiality of LA. I’m tired of seeing it. It was so heartbreaking to me. And all these influencers, all these people are coming every day, every year, and falling from this trap. And so many people get caught into drug addiction. Think about the amount of famous people you know with drug problems that, like, goes spiraling down. For every famous person, there’s probably like ten thousand not famous people who never make it, who die from an overdose in LA because they get stuck in that whole trap. It’s really dark. And messed up. And I think people should know, like, when they move to LA to have boundaries and not lose their backbone, like, keep your morals and your standards or you will get lost. Like, I got lost. Thank god. I got back on track. Chase actually helped me get back on track. He was my eskymo of I went to anonymous twelve step programs at first to support Chase. And then I stuck with it. And now, yeah, I have six years sober. I’ll have seven years on January thirteenth. So help me God. But
Victoria Volk: Congratulations.
Jordan Brodie: Thank you. It’s just really heartbreaking and I’m tired of seeing people just fall into this superficial chase of fame and fortune. I have different dreams now. I still want I still desire to be famous for my music and well-known or successful and be paid from my art and my music. Fame represents success for me as an artist. But I don’t it’s not if I’m making a living as an artist or even if I am still making art, but I have all my needs met, like I have a home, a place to live, food to eat, As long as I’m doing music recording, I don’t care if a thousand people are listening or not. I just want to have a place to sleep some food to eat and be doing music. And I realize I don’t like big cities. I feel anxious in big cities. So I’m actually traveling Europe right now. I’ve been in Europe almost for two and a half months doing work away. I’m traveling right now around the world. I’m gonna probably be doing this for, like, a year or two. Until I figure out where I wanna live. Getting European citizenship to my grandmother. She’s born in Estonia. It’s not guaranteed, but we’re starting the process to apply for my citizenship. And, yeah, I love Europe. I’m loving it. And I feel like Chase and Josh are with me and but, yeah, for everyone that’s planning on moving to LA or New York, any big city. It doesn’t matter. Paris, Berlin, Barcelona, London. All these major cities have huge drug problems. So it’s really important to stick with your morals and ethics and your backbones. Like, wherever you’re going, think about find a role model from your childhood, like, maybe it’s a grandpa, like, or someone that you really admire that has good qualities of integrity and service and love. They don’t have to be perfect. My grandpa and some of my role models are not perfect. They have mistakes. They’ve had flaws. But I admire their good qualities, and I aspire to be like them finding role models in my recovery has been what’s helped me. And I think going back to the SpiderMan thing, that’s what Chase’s well one of his role models was SpiderMan because he was he’s such a positive hero. Like, I think he’s such a great world model. And when I watched that movie, God, I’d boggled so hard in the theater. But Like I said, the moral of that story was forgiveness to those who have done you wrong and hurt you. If you watch it, you will know what I mean. You will see this message. It’s pretty clear. And it’s exactly like, I was so mad about Chase, like, I blamed basically any old gay guy. This sounds really brief is a seductive kind of messed up it can put some messed up voices in your head, like my ego. And any, like, older gay guy, I was just angry at. I was, like, everyone’s a predator. I hate all of you guys. Like, just so many people I was so mad at, and I was blaming all these people and it was really hard. I was so angry at everyone. I was just angry at the world, like, for just being not understanding of my friend and not respecting his humanity because he was a very handsome person and just so many people, like, threw themselves at him and try to take advantage of him and I was just, like, always there on this side, like, supporting him with my love, and I was, of course, hoping one day. Well, no. I appreciate him as a friend and I was content with their friendship, but I really was and love on him. Looking back at it, I was very much in love with him. Like, I was too disassociated for my own addictions. To know that it was, like, what I was for. Like, he was always when I went in high school, I had a big crush on him, I had a huge crush on him. He’s so charismatic. He’s so funny. He’s so handsome. And I had a big crush on him. And then I always did, and he knew it. Like, he liked older guys.
Victoria Volk: How do you honor his life today?
Jordan Brodie: As I’m traveling, going to things like that SpiderMan movie is very helpful. I got to see Demi Lovato perform at Avida, like, the week before I left for Europe. And Chase was the biggest Demi Lovato fan. Like, I wasn’t that I love Demi, but, like, I’m not, like, I’m not obsessed. Like, she’s not my diva. I love her. I love her music. I’m obsessed. That like, I do love her. Okay? But Chase was obsessed. Like, the biggest demi lovato fan. So I felt like he was there with me and, like, he was so happy and like, I just felt him there. And then I just feel his energy a lot, and I talked sometimes I’ll reach out to his mother, see how she’s doing. We talked on social media a lot, and she’s just really supportive of me. And I know she still misses him a lot. And Chase was very, like, he was, like, very risk-taking, very adventurous. It’s on my list of things to do to go skydiving with some of his friends, like, in Chase’s memory because Chase was such a risk-taker. So I wanna get some of his friends and I wanna go skydiving because I am so scared of how it’s and like, Yolo and his memory. Like, I wanna jump for him and, like and then I and then I worked my program my recovery programs and my sobriety honors him. Like, I feel like when he died, I don’t know if I talked about this in the podcast, but I I didn’t handle it the best when it came to my recovery in some of my behaviors because I still, like, I acted out like, sexually, like, to, like, cope with the emotions I was experiencing. And like, because I’m an addict, but I’m not just, like, a drug addict, an alcoholic. Like, I also struggle with sex addiction, and love addiction and emotional anorexia. When Chase died, I just I kinda I relapsed. I really did. I don’t I didn’t talk about this. When we did the interview, but I did relapse, like, when he died. And it took me, like, a week or two, like, get back on track, and that was really hard. Like but when Josh died, I think since that had already happened, I didn’t relapse when Josh died. I was ready. I was prepared. And so that was really hard. And my sex and love addiction is still very difficult. I do still get really lonely. And I have a lot of pain, like, anxiety, emotional pain, and I think it’s good not to latch onto someone when you’re grieving or you’re sad, but it wasn’t ready for that. Like, no one prepares you to lose your best friend or, like, to lose your older brother, like, I had never experienced any significant loss like that in my life. It was the first. So I was not ready for that at all. At all. Like, I wasn’t that close with my grandpa. When he died, I was, like, it wasn’t that big of a deal for me. I mean, he’s a grandpa. He’s older. You know? It’s part of life. And he was kinda angry towards the end of his life. So I was kind of relieved for him because he had cancer and he was in a lot of pain. It wasn’t very nice to me. My little brother’s, and I didn’t, like, carry through to my little brother’s. So when he passed, I was a little bit relieved for his pain because I knew he was in a better place. He was in so much pain. Presented his life. And I don’t know. But Chase, like, I thought he was doing good. Like, he had just gotten six months sober. And Yeah. I still really miss him a lot. And honestly, like, I was really delusional about their dads like, I don’t know, like, last January. I was this January, I was, like, oh my gosh. It’s almost been a year. I was texting my stepmom. I was like, it’s almost been a year since Josh died. And she was like, Jordan, it’s been two years. Like, that’s how, like, disassociated I’ve been when it comes to my brother and she it’s, like, I was still in denial about his death for a really long time. Like and I’m still a little bit in denial. About it. Like, I really am. Like, I delusionally, I’m a fantasy addict, so I live in fantasy. I live in my head a lot. And I escape into these fantasies of being all these different characters. It’s something that I do. It’s kinda crazy, but it’s normal for artists. Like, I guess, a lot of us do this, you know. Like, Nicki Minaj has her personal. Awesome. I have mine. I’m just not as vocal about it. It’s all in my head, but I escape into fantasies of them still being here. Like a lot of the times, which I don’t think is very healthy. No one prepared me for this. Like, having this platform being able to talk to you also, my recovery community, I do gratitude list every morning. Doing that gratitude every morning when Josh was when after Josh died and after Chase died, really helped me keep, like, a glimmer of light and hope as that dark period went. And I don’t wanna say, but my sponsor in one of my recovery programs was, like, one of the first people I called when I found out Josh Knight. And he was the first person I called. And he, like, helps me, like and so many people helped me. And, you know, it’s really important to know that shit’s gonna happen in life. People are gonna die. And there’s gonna be people there for you. Like, no matter what, like, and it’s important to let them help you. My best friends all kind of, like, kidnapped me too, like, when they found out Chase and Josh die. They kind of just, like, kidnapped me and, like, took me. Like, and, like, I stayed with them in Orange County. For a few days. Unless all my friends came around me, I’m so lucky. I have really good friends. And Yeah. But it’s really hard. Gosh. I was not expecting to cry like this. I guess because, like, doing work away, so I’m how I’m doing Europe is I am doing work away, so it’s an exchange. I’m here at this house that’s on a farm in Normandy, France. And ex and the guy who owns it’s a single gay guy. And in exchange for a house, to stay and food to eat. I help him twenty hours a week with whatever he wants. Like, I help to make a costume, like a gay he has some of that this weekend, so I may help them make a gay alien custom. And I helped him. We’ve I’ve they have been weeding. I help cook. I help with this animals, like, clean up donkey poo. Each job is different. I was in Switzerland before this for three weeks, and that was I was, like, an assistant to the housewife. I was, like, picking up the kids from school tutoring, and the first one was similar to this. So but these last three days, it’s really scary. Out of my element, these last three days have been hard for my sex and love and mix gen, I guess. Like so I think that might be why I’m crying a little bit because I just didn’t reminded how difficult it was, and I really I relapsed when Chase died. And I know it’s pretty common. A lot of people relapse in recovery programs when a loved one dies. Or they break this is why it suggested not to get in a relationship the first year of recovery. It’s not a requirement. It’s a suggestion because it cannot get iteration or end up get out because significant changes in our emotions. We use drugs in alcohol effects, our addictive patterns to numb our pain and our sadness. So if we shift things and we experience big changes, the chances as of us relapsing before we have the right tools are higher. So Yeah.
Victoria Volk: May I ask
Jordan Brodie: Yeah.
Victoria Volk: May I ask if so how long have you been doing work away? When did you leave the US?
Jordan Brodie: Oh, the end of March. So March, like, 29th, and I started my first position, like, April second.
Victoria Volk: Do you feel as though I mean, because It’s one thing to, like, leave your home country for a couple weeks and knowing you’re coming back and knowing when you’re coming back. But in doing work away and having the intention that you’re gonna do it at least a year, maybe even two years, and being away from you know, it’s one thing to, you know, we have the devices. We can stay connected in that way. But to not physically be in proximity to those we love and our family and our friends and things like that. I’m just asking, do you feel like potentially a part of this resurfacing for you is just the fact that you are away from your home. You are you’re I mean, this is a huge change. If you think about it, I mean, this is a huge change. You’re you’re plopping yourself in
Jordan Brodie: That’s a good question. That’s a good question. And I think that might be some of it. But the thing is I don’t feel like I actually miss anyone. It’s kinda weird. Like, I miss people. I would love to see my friends, my family, like, if they showed up or if I went and visited them, I would be elated. I’d be so happy and excited to see them. But I don’t feel like a yearning for them. I might go, it’d be nice to see them. I feel like I don’t I’m just having so much fun. Like, it’s so exciting for me. I’ve never been to Europe. So I’m so excited. I’m so inspired. And also, I’ve been in LA for eleven years, and my mother lives in Montana. All my loved ones live in New Mexico and Montana. And then I have friend all over the country and the world that I grew up with, so I’m always missing someone. Like, at what I have a really big family and they live all over. Like, I’m always missing someone. I’m used to this feeling because I’m kinda spread out a little bit thin. It’s, like, the perks of having a lot of people you love in your life. Like, I have a big family a lot of friends. I have a big community around me of people in real life. It’s not just social media, like most of my friends and family and loved ones have a large majority of people that don’t even use social media. So, like, I just always missing someone. So I’m used to this. So the truth is, yes, I do think that’s part of it, but I thoroughly enjoyed the host here, and I’m here with two other workawaiters. And I go out on walks a lot I pray a lot and meditate. I do outreach calls all day long with fellows and thank god for technology. Like, you’re out North Dakota. I’m here in France and we’re able to talk. I’ve been able to call my friends in LA. New York, in New Mexico, like, I’ve been able to call people still and FaceTime them. It’s not the same as personal connection, but I get that from them. I guess I’m a little bit lonely and the fact is, like, I think also Chase served he wasn’t my brother. He wasn’t family. Josh was my family. It’s different. I didn’t have, like, romantic feelings for Josh. It’s for my older brother, you know. I didn’t he was my brother, we were blood, and but chase, I kinda had some intimate romantic feelings, and I didn’t really fully understand that until he died. And it’s really sad. I think it’s really sad that I didn’t know. Because, like, I knew I liked him and I was kind of obsessed with him. I didn’t know they were those in feelings until he died and I felt those feelings. I think that’s why I relapsed. When Chase died and my sexual live addiction is because I didn’t know how to handle those feelings. That feeling of loss, that feeling of grief. I’ve had a few other, like, guys, like, people that I’ve had these really intense feelings for, like, since Chase died. And it’s weird because I feel like having him die kinda gave me permission to, like, move on. I guess, I’ve spread myself out too thin emotionally and sexually because of my past as a sex worker, because of my promiscuity, emotionally, I was a little bit of an emotional horror. Like, just my emotions are all spread out all over the world. So, like, having Chase died, like, kinda help me reel it in. My emotions I have better boundaries now. I don’t hoard or myself anymore, emotionally. I don’t I don’t I tried to I’m way more conservative than I thought I was, like, emotionally and sexually. Like and it’s new to me, but she’s gonna help me with that. And, yeah, I’ve been able to forgive those guys that I mentioned that I was mad at because of Chase’s death. I kinda blamed them certain characters in West Hollywood that I know was I really angry at? And they’re still doing the same shit. These old older men that work in the industry having these parties, inviting all these young new gays, giving them drugs, giving them alcohol, telling them they’ll do this, they’ll do the app, but they really just wanna get laid. It’s still happening. The same people are still doing the same shit. As eleven years ago when I moved away. This same shit. It’s not different. And I’m like, how do these people sleep that night. But I don’t think they’re fully aware of what they’re doing. It’s kinda like if they knew they knew and they would stop doing it. But it takes two sides. So so but I’ve been able to forgive them. Like, you know, I don’t and I’m leave I’ve left LA It’s a new experience for me. I do wonder am I escaping? Am I doing escapism by being out here? But I’m really enjoying Europe. I don’t plan to, like, move here and get a house here and, like, be here. But I plan to go back LA. But back to New York, back to New Mexico to my parents, back to Montana, I still plan to stay connected to America. I’m always gonna be an American Like, even if I get my Estonian citizenship and I so, like, I don’t know.But yeah. I think I am feeling a little bit lonely. But last night, I made a friend. I made friends with this local girl. She was really nice. And I’ll go to Paris in two weeks and see one of my friends, and there’s a big recovery convention that week. So I’ll see people that I’m only, like, three hour train ride from Paris right now. So it’s pretty cool.
Victoria Volk: Do you think a part of this too could be a little bit of being ready maybe to settle down? Maybe just wanting someone to share this experience with?
Jordan Brodie: Definitely. I was talking about this last night with someone. Okay. I so part of this too, I thought that it’s so funny because Miley Cyrus on Flowers came out on my sobriety birthday, which is January 13th, like, the album was released. And my it’s, you know, the the theme of the song itself, love, like, a renaissance flower was I can grab my name and the saying a quote directly from Chase. He always told me this. He’s like Jordan, God provides music always at the exact right time when they need it. Like, that was Chase’s little quote. That was one of his quotes that he always told me, and he always said if it’s not nice, don’t say it at all. And he would always tell me that because I was kind of more of a bitch than he was. It was always very, like, snarky and he and saying these things. And he was like, my mom always taught me. It’s that nice, don’t say it at all. So he kind of has this consciousness need to, like, be a nicer person. Anyway, So it to me, it was God. It was Chase. It was, like, music. Also, on the year so on so his death was December 27th, I think, or December 1st. December 1st. It was the day of the Equinox when the bright star, the north star, whatever was brightest. So in some ways, I’m like, chaste must have been like Jesus or something because he died on that day. What a great day to go out was the day that the whole world did that international meditation together. Everyone did it. He died that night. The North Star was the brightest. So I think it’s a beautiful night to pass. The energy was amazing. And okay. So a year later on the year of his passing a year prior. It was either the week before or the week after a few weeks. Tim Petris, one of my other favorite pop stars put out a song called Coconuts, which Coconuts, you know, it’s like it’s tropical themed in the middle of winter. So random. She’s the queen of, like, putting things out at random times. Chase and I, five years before he died, We were very silly together and played together. He wrote a song. We wrote a song together called Coconuts. Chase and I did. It was just a joking stupid song. We were obsessed with coconuts. We were like, anything coconut, coconut oil. It’s good for your skin. It tastes good. It’s good for cooking. It’s good as lube for seg. Like, you can do anything with coconuts. You can eat it. You can do anything with coconuts. So so the fact that that song came out like near during a year from his passing was God to me. I was like, Chase is on the other side manipulating shit. Kim Petress has put out a song called Coconuts. And that song is really stupid. It’s a dumb pop song about her boobs, basically, coconuts, Mac, coconuts, it’s, like, totally random, which is also chases humor too. So to me, it was God, like, that song is spiritual to me. It’s funny because everyone’s like, oh, this is a dumb pop song. But that song is spiritual for me. Like, whenever I hear that song, I it’s like, god speaking to me. And then similar things like on Josh’s birthday this year, pink put out her single to her next album, trustful, the song closed, your eyes, and leave it up behind, go with love. It’s on our side, and it’s stressful. And I remember, like, I was playing it on repeat. And that evening of I was going to someone’s birthday and I was in West Hollywood. I was in the Candle Delirium store and I was buying a candle for my friend. And at the register, the guy I will see him there. He owns the store or whatever, but he was, like, Are you okay how are you, by the way, are you okay? And I broke down crying in the store. Like, in front of I it wasn’t, like, I because I was, like, I’m and then it just kinda cracked. And I was, like, crying because I couldn’t hold it because I was just I was dealing with it was I was just listening to music and I was alone. And then I just told him, I was like, oh, on today’s my brother’s birthday, he died, like, two years ago, and I really miss him. And so, yeah, I’m kinda sad, but thank you. And then they, like, they, like, gave me a big hug and they gave me, like, a really big discount on the candle that I was buying. And, anyway, that it was, like, really sweet. So it’s always good to be honest. Like, we don’t wanna get vulnerable when we’re doing bad. But if you just say if someone asks you how you’re doing, you’re not feeling good, there’s nothing wrong with saying, I’m not feeling good. I’m not doing good today. How are you? It’s good to be honest about what we’re feeling. That’s been the biggest lesson with all this and Yeah. And the best way I can honor my brother and Chase is by continuing to work on myself become the best version of myself. I feel like they’re here with me. I pray to them all the time. I talk to them. I danced with them. I, like, I went to EDC last year, and
Victoria Volk: What does that stand for?
Jordan Brodie: Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas. It’s the biggest wave in the United States. It’s a big music festival, like, all the big big DJs, like Calvin Harris, David Geta, like, than even NASA, like, Gorgon City, Zoo, Grimes. All these DJ’s, like, perform. There’s, like, hundreds of d j’s five hundred thousand people in Las Vegas at the speedway from all over the world to go and I’ve been wanting to go for a really long time and it was my first time going and I went with two of my best friends, and it was so much fun. And there was a moment. Okay. So my friend Phoenix and Sean both really love this artist. His name’s excision. I don’t know if you’ve heard of him, but He’s a electronic music producer. His music has a lot of heavy metal references in it. So it’s not Like me, I’m candy pot. Like, I love pot stuff. I’ve always been great name Adzana, Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton and Christina Aguilar. If it’s gay, shiny, and sparkly, I’m all over a girl, and I’m listening to it. Like, I don’t even like horror movies, dark I’m the sugar to my friend’s spice. Like, I’m the bright one that’s very gay and happy. I do have a dark side Don’t get me wrong. I have a dark, angry, evil, twisted, bitch side of me too. Sorry. I don’t know if I can cuss back.
Victoria Volk: It’s okay.
Jordan Brodie: But okay. So so here we are. And I Josh and I wrote music together. We had a business together, my older brother. We made his songs together. Josh produced classical music He played the guitar. He played the bass. He played the saxophone. He played the piano. He played he taught himself all these instruments. He never had, like, probably, like, a few lessons when he was younger in piano, but he was a musical genius. He produced hip hop music. Classical music, hot music in the end. He was so talented. And I kept trying to get Josh to move to LA. Like, to, like, for us to work together, but he couldn’t ever his addictions problems and stuff would always get in the way of are working together, and it really frustrated me. And I don’t know if he was an addict or not. It’s not fair for me to say that, but Some of his behaviors would get in the way of us working together. Music was our bonding thing, my older brother and I. And same with Chase. Chase and I whenever we were driving in the car, it was like it was like you’re in a concert. Chase and I were jamming out. We listen to music all day. Chase was always messaging me songs. A lot of my favorite songs. I have a whole playlist with Chase music, Demi Lovato, just chase loved music. And he really helps me grow my love of music as a consumer because Pace wasn’t making music. He was an actor. He wasn’t interested in writing. He was interested in being an actor, but he had a love and a passion for it as like a fan. So I was writing music. Chase loved my songs. He was one of the first people to buy, like, the physical copy of my first, like, single make it right. Like, he bought it online when he could stream it for free. And, like, he was just so proud of me and he loved my music. And so it meant a lot to me because I moved he moved to LA a year before I did from my hometown, and he let me stay with him for a few weeks, and he helped me get start up because he moved there to pursue his acting dreams. And I moved to LA to pursue my music dreams. So anyway, at EDC, it’s a music festival, so it’s all about music. Of course, I was thinking about Chase and Josh the whole time. Like they were there with me. There was this moment. And Josh also was in heavy metal bands. He played heavy metal music, and I loved all kinds of genres, but heavy metals not really my cup of tea. Like, I love metallica, I love whole you can still understand the lyrics, but heavy metal, screamo music. I love the guitars. I love high-intensity guitars and music and rock music. Like, I love Ramstein. I’m obsessed with Ramstein. It’s because they’re really hardcore. But they speak German so it’s like, I already don’t understand German so it’s okay. But screamo music. I don’t know what they’re saying. I don’t I’m not the biggest screamo fan. I will go to a screamo concert. I will go to a heavy metal concert. I’ll address the part, and I will have a blast. And I’ve done it. And I supported Josh was obsessed with Bingo. I think it helped him presses emotions. He was in so many metal bands. He was, like, producing metal music, blah blah blah. Had all these things going for him. And so Sean and Phoenix both love excision. I’ve never heard him. Has a lot of heavy metal influences. We’re, like, up at front. All jammed out look like Barbie dolls. Like, headbanging in the front of the excision, like, looking gay AF in front of all of these because excision, people are they what’s that called, mosh, they mosh pit. Like, you know, it’s EDM, but people are mashing. Like, It’s aggressive energy. It’s not really me. Like, I’m not that like, I was the little gay boy on the in ballet class on this side. The boys ballet class watching the other boys who were just there because their sports coaches made them do ballet. They were all tackling each other, and I’m there rolling my eyes. Like, I’ve never really been the type to, like, do that. So anyway, we’re, like, head-banging. There was a moment where excision because it’s, like, hard more metal, like, idiom. And then all of a sudden, he he saw us, like, in the front row. I where he did this for the three games on the front, because he played a quote on Britney. He was, like, it’s Britney Bitch. And then it just went back to the And then there’s a moment where he slowed down the music. He was like, I just wanna take a moment. I just recently lost someone that was really close to me, like, a few days ago or a year ago. I can’t remember the exact time period, but he was like, tonight, I’m really thinking about him and I’m really honoring him. And if there’s anyone out there in the audience, that’s like experience is significant loss recently. I just want you to know that you’re not alone and I don’t remember what else he said. But it was just I started crying, like, during a heavy metal EDM, set because I knew Josh was there, like, with me. Like like, your loved ones are always is there with you and your memories and your heart. And I am someone who believes in afterlife. I don’t believe in energy. I don’t know if it’s actual heaven or hell, I don’t really believe in that. But I do believe that our loved one’s energy, like, is there and guiding me. I feel like I have this, like, this, like, team of, like, almost, like they’re, like, in the van of, like, the spy van. They’re, like, up there. I can just, like, be, like, yo, guys. Hey. What’s up? Like, I just feel like I have access to all these people in the spiritual realm, and they’re always with me. So whenever you’re getting Jordan, you’re getting all it is. And to add go back to your question about eye flowers, Miley Cyrus song music. When I always thought I would need a boyfriend, a husband, a partner, before I came to Europe. I would need a rich sugar daddy. I would need this. I would need that.
I can’t go alone. It’s romantic to go to Europe. You know? So the fact that I’m out here by myself without a man or a partner, I haven’t even I’m still not ready to date yet until I finish my steps. So I haven’t gone around any dates. I met some guys, and I was kinda trying to meet up with this guy that I met in Brazil, like, in Switzerland, but he goes to me. So I haven’t kinda sad about that, but you said it would wouldn’t it be nice to share this? In the past, I’ve always thought, yes, it would be so nice to have a partner to share all these amazing things with. But you know what I’ve been realizing lately is, yeah, that would be nice and that will happen eventually. But right now, I’m sharing my life with you, Victoria. I’m sharing my life with these work away hosts. I’m sharing my life with my family, my parents. They’re so excited for me that I’m traveling. They’re so supportive of this. My dad started sending me money to help with this adventure, which I was not expecting. And then a lot of my friends are so supportive and so proud of me, like, I am sharing my life with people. Like, I’m sharing my life with amazing people. Like, I don’t I already am sharing my life with an amazing beautiful community. Like, I really am. It’s not I’m not missing anything. I have everything I need right now. I have food to eat. I have a house to sleep in. I have friends. I have family. I have love. I have animals. And, yes, it would be nice to have a intimate, romantic, love partner to share all this with, but it’s just gonna add to what I’m already sharing with other people.
Victoria Volk: I absolutely got full-body chills with you sharing that. And I think that is the most beautiful message. Anyone listening to this can hear today. And that and that is self-love. Right? That is self-love. Opening yourself up to share what you have with where you are right now. Yeah. And that’s what you’re doing. And so thank you because you just It’s such a gift. Like, you’re our share in your life with me and to not want. Right? Isn’t that, like, the isn’t that what peace really is? What other peace feels like is to not have a feeling of want, like to be at peace.
Jordan Brodie: That in Buddhism, they always talk about the four pillars of Buddhism. Buddhism is always about It’s all about the relinquishment of suffering. And suffering is defined as wanting something else outside of us. That is suffering. So when I’m sitting there, yearning for Chase to come back or yearning for Josh to come back or yearning for this guy or yearning for this or yearning for anything that’s not right here physically in front of me right now. I’m in a room by myself talking to you sitting on this bed. This room’s really pretty. It’s I’m this is my present moment. This is what I need to be an acceptance about. This is exactly where I am right now. It’s exactly where I need to be. It’s exactly where I’m supposed to be. This moment has never happened before ever. In this new time, it’s happening right now. This instant present moment. And that’s the present moment is where amazing things happen. It’s where really bad things happen. The present moment is where we need to be. And it’s all that matters because the future will give us anxiety if we obsessed about it and the past will depress us. So so, yeah, it is piece to let go of the wanting. It doesn’t mean we can’t have desires, but when we have desires, I’ve learned it’s important to make a plan of action and set some goals, and then start working towards those goals, but not obsessing about when they’re gonna happen. Because they’re gonna happen if they’re supposed to happen, we can’t control that. And I have my goals and do you have everything I want? And Yeah. Sometimes when I’m sad and lonely, I yearn for a romantic partner and sometimes I’m sad about why Chase, like, why Josh, like, why my why this why the and sometimes I have to stop myself and be like, well, it happened. It is what it is. It did happen, and I have to be in acceptance. Because if I’m not in acceptance, I get depressed, I get sad, I get kiss them. I know my brother and Chase and my aunt Julie and all my loved ones. They loved me so much. And they wanted me to be happy. They really did. They wanted me to have love they wanted me to be free. Josh was very supportive of me as a gay person and very protective. Actually, when I was acting out promiscuously, Josh should be, like, Jordan, that’s not who you are. Like, what are you doing? Like, that’s not my brother. Like, and he really loved me. And Chase too. Like, Chase was really trying to help me get closer to God because he could see how lost and broken I was. An eye cutting. It was a light in a dark place. And my aunt Julie, she was always like Jordan. Don’t hide from us. We know how gay you are. She’s like, you are fabulous. And she’d be like, why are you hiding from us because I was still hiding from everyone. I was the one who needed to accept me and love me. Everyone loves me and loved me so much. They love how gay I am. They love how feminine I am. They love it. I was the one who didn’t love it yet. And I’ve done some work, and I’m still working on that every day, loving myself and accepting myself as my daily journey. And my point is, Julie, Chase or Josh, would not have wanted me to be sad and miserable. They want me to be happy. They want we just celebrate life. They want me to be successful. They want me to be extra. They want me to dance around. They want me to make billions of dollars. They want me to have that a nice guy who takes really good care of me, they want me to be happy. I know that. It’s not a question. And so I know whenever I’m starting to feel sad and I get sad about them, I’ll say, guys, I’ll, like, kinda say I miss you. I’ll express to a friend that I miss them or I’ll write something or I’ll allow myself to cry or this song has been really helpful to me lately. The next right thing from Frozen two. Oh my gosh. That song just gets me. I listen to it every day sometimes. It just really helps with these emotions because that’s all we can do sometimes. Is the next right thing? What is the next right thing? I know after this, I got some stuff to do. That’s all we could do is the next right thing. And, yeah, I know that that they would be happy and mad with me. I’ll say one more thing too. I’ve learned this recently. There’s a great docu-series, by the way. On Disney plus that Morgan Freeman does called God, and he talks about lunch of different religions and their views, not just Christianity. He talks about Buddhism. He goes to India. I forgot the name of the city. It’s like Varnasse or Varsini India, which is one of the spiritual capitals of India. And he talks about in Hinduism, how they celebrate. They celebrate death. It’s not a taboo. It’s not this grim, sad thing. They believe and after life, they believe it’s a journey into a new thing, a new place. So they is a passage. They’re excited for their loved ones to go on and continue. It’s a celebration for them. And I kind of I have in American culture and eastern western culture death is seen as this morbid sad thing. Taboo talk topic, it’s awkward. We don’t know how to handle grief. We bat we don’t know how to handle it. We don’t have these social systems in place. Whereas in Hinduism, it’s celebrated. They’re like, hell yeah, like, I loved one died. They get to go on. They could have a new experience. It’s like going to college or something. I’m like, we’re getting a new job. It’s like in a new thing. It’s citing. So I’ve been trying to think about that with Chase and Josh and Julie and my other loved ones. It’s like, I make I’m excited for them. What are they doing now? They’re probably having so much fun. Like, who knows? Like, what? Yeah.
Victoria Volk: I had a psychic medium on my podcast, her name’s Siri Burnson, and she spoke of a client of hers at one time who hurt this the client’s son had completed suicide. And the mother was just so concerned that her son was not in heaven. And he came through through the psychic and Derseri and she said he wants you to know that he’s in school. Mhmm. He described to through to Siri, like, where he is at, it’s school, that whatever lessons he didn’t learn in the three d he is learning now. And I’ve actually heard that different said a different way multiple times through other psychic mediums or through people who have had near death experiences or people who have actually died and come back who have talked about it like, looking like this experience or being this experience of, like, school.
Jordan Brodie: I love that. So where I’m at in Normandy, the host he teaches yoga and chi dong, Chinese like it’s kinda like tight. And then he does acupuncture. I did she gong on Monday with him Monday morning, and I had a spiritual experience. It’s like she energy and Chinese spirituality is God. It’s the energy of life, it’s the electricity, the spirit electricity, the realm that runs through you. And Shi Gang is just, like, movements like this. It’s just It’s not a hard exercise, but the whole point of it is the connectedness between heaven and earth, like the sky and earth And I had an epiphany during on my day. Because they always say the spirit realm. Right? It’s like energy. It’s not heaven. It’s whatever you believe it. It’s the afterlife. It’s it’s not tangible to the like you said, the three d plane, the this plane that we’re in right now. It’s another realm. The earth the real realm that we’re in right now is you know, tangible. We can touch things. Our blessing humans serve a huge placed in the universe because we’re the only creatures and animals I believe too that are the conduit the middle the middle ground between the spiritual realm and the real realm. We get to experience both. We get to experience the physical pain in existence and the spiritual pain. When we tap into God energy and we tap into our loved ones or past, it’s a blessing. It’s a huge honor to be human. And I had an epiphany that that’s what it means to be human. To be human means to be a conduit from this spiritual realm. And the and the physical realm. It’s a blessing and we have a purpose here to take care of each other and to take care of the animals who aren’t as advanced as us, I think it’s our responsibility to care for the animals, the and for the people that’s fortunate, the people that aren’t born with legs, the people that are born with diseases, if you have a privilege and you have legs or you have money you have resources, it’s our responsibility to take care of them. I had just had this whole epiphany during qingong, which is like so that’s why it’s good to be open-minded too. Like, I was raised, Christian, I read the bible. I do believe in Jesus. I do pray to God. I do believe in that. But I do think it’s important to be open to other things that aren’t out of your comfort zone to, like, new cultures and new things because the Chinese have been around for way longer than Americans have, so they’ve had plenty of time to think about things. They’ve I’ve so it’s, like, I had this a mate. I highly recommend Xevon for anyone. You really feel like the energy. Like, I felt you can feel it. Like, you can feel God. It’s so cool. I love it. Anyway, it kinda got off a tangent, but yeah.
Victoria Volk: I recently did Tai Chi at a retreat women’s retreat and I really phoned. Okay.
Jordan Brodie: Takes you off.
Victoria Volk: I really like that too. Can you just share a little bit for those listening? How does work away work? Because First of all, it’s amazing that you had that experience. You had that epiphany because of work away. Like, you’re experiencing all of these things and meeting all of these people because you took a chance on this opportunity to do this. So can you just explain a little bit how it worked? Like, you know, do you have to pay obviously, you probably have to pay to get yourself overseas and, like, how does that work?
Jordan Brodie: Yeah. I’ll explain. Okay. So this is something I’ve been wanting to do for, like, seven years. I don’t know how I discovered it, but there’s a website called workaway.info. It’s the website workaway.info, not .com .info. It’s been around for a really long time. It’s a social media platform. You can make a free profile, but in order to message host or message people, you have to pay fifty-six dollars or sixty dollars for the whole year. It’s like a subscription. And what that pays for is basically like, it helps filter out, like, kind of shaving people.
Victoria Volk: They’re vetting the people that get on that platform.
Jordan Brodie: Exactly. Because And then I there’s some type of background check process. I don’t know, actually, how that works. I don’t know if I don’t remember filling out a background check form, but they might do that. They do some type of thing verification process. I don’t remember. But It’s just a website anyone can apply for an e make a profile. I put on my profile. I’m good with children. I can cook. I’m good with animals. I worked at the doggy daycare. My grandpa had a farm when I was little. He told me to work when I was fourteen. I was always working on the tractor and the grass, this kind of stuff. My parents would always have me do tasks. I explained all of this and I explained my interest, and I’m learning French, and I know a little bit of Spanish. I put all this in my profile. You just make a profile. And then there’s workaway hosts. So people all over the world. There’s some in Austin, Texas. They’re all over the world. Every country, South Africa. There’s this really cool one near Cape Town. This guy has a Safari company where she takes people on Safari tours. And he just needs people’s help. The maximum hours you’re supposed to work is twenty hours a week, by the way. They’re not supposed to ask for anymore. And so for me, it’s usually about four to five hours a day, five days a week, Monday to Friday. I work about. So it’s not much. And this guy in South Africa wants people to help do marketing on for his safari business. There’s people who want nannies for their kids. There’s people who have the in Switzerland, Bern, I was helping her Flyer for her. She was starting a high school in her area. I was helping pass out flyers in the city center. And they help them cook, can I help them clean, and help them go shopping? The first work away, she could I was helped She broke her leg last year as older lady. So I was helping her with things she couldn’t do because of that her leg pain. And there’s all kinds of jobs, all of it. So you just make a profile, you pay for it, and then you message place you you can search by country where you wanna go, and then you just start messaging host. You say, hey, I’m interested in this and it’s completely volunteering. So it’s a way to get around. They want people to stay for longer than two weeks, usually two or three weeks, a month, two months, three months. One girl is staying here for eight months because they have long-term projects and they want someone to stay for a while. And it’s a lot of very interesting people that do the hosting. And you’re helping out. You’re like, living in, like, living and helping. And you get food, you have access to food, and a place to stay, but you’re volunteering so you I don’t have to get a special visa. Like, if you if I get paid from someone, I’ll have to get a work visa in this country. Wherever so I don’t have to get a visa because I’m volunteering. I when you come here, I say I’m I’m traveling. I’m a tourist because I technically am still traveling. I’m a tourist, but I am working in exchange to stay here. It’s just kind of a loophole. I feel like I found like hitch hiker’s guide to the galaxy, and then come on. What was my thumb? But I am offering some ands it’s pretty scary, but you just wanna make sure you message them. And I’ve made sure to have video chat with each of the host before going and seeing if I got along with them. There were some people I said no to because I didn’t feel comfortable. I didn’t want anyone that just wanted me to crash and pooch because I knew that would harbor it with them in them. I wanted to work. I have to work twenty hours a week. Because I don’t want to freeload. And, yeah, that’s what I’m doing. It’s a great way to travel because I’ve always been wanting to do this for seven years. I was terrified to do it. I almost canceled this trip. So many times, I had just lost my job. I was in limbo. I used my last bit of unemployment money. To buy my plane tickets out here. And you can get some Gritty cheap tickets to Europe. What you do is you type your city in the US, in flights dot Google.com. Type in your city. And in destination, you can put Europe. So you don’t have to put the country, and it’ll show you what the cheapest flight to fly into. And I found a really cheap flight to Norway. It was only three hundred dollars. And then and then from Norway, there was, like, ten dollar fight from Norway to London. And then March, that’s how I got here. So so you can do that. Like, you just find the cheapest place to fly to. And once you’re over here, they have a airlines called Ryanair, which is kinda like Spirit Airlines in US. It’s just really cheap flights and ten dollars, twenty dollars, thirty dollar flights. It’s two other like, my flight to Edinburg was, like, forty dollars. Like, I’m going at the end of this month or next month. Wow. So So, yeah, my next workaways in Scotland. I can only be in Europe for ninety days because I don’t have citizenship and I don’t have a visa. But in the UK, you can be there for six months without a Visa. So I’m gonna go to UK for at least ninety days and then come back to Europe, and I’m just gonna bounce around between UK and Europe until I get my citizenship. Once I get my citizenship, I can get a job out here I can get an apartment, get a house. So so that’s what I’m doing. And it’s a great way to travel. I recommend it for anyone. Because you get to have a cultural experience, you get to meet locals, you get to hang out with some I’m not just in a hotel and going to guided tours. Like, I’m meeting locals. I’m experiencing the culture. I’m experiencing the history. Like, I’m in a small town. You get to feel what it’s like to live in another country. And I’ve always been very interested in how of first generation American feels like an immigrant, someone who moves to America without like, knowing the language. I’ve met people like that and they’re so inspiring me for me. They’re such hard workers they barely know the language and they have to build an entire life and they’re usually sending money back to their family. They’re just inspiring amazing wonderful people to me. I’ve always been fascinated with what with them. So I think that’s why I’m so attracted to being here in Europe and kind of being an immigrant here. I don’t like the word expat. It sounds too I technically am, but I don’t I’m not yet, but I don’t it sounds to, like, like, boosie, whatever.
Like, I’m an immigrant. I’m an immigrant as someone who migrates to another place. Like, It’s there’s no bad terminology about it. Alright. Nextiva, whatever you wanna call me about. World traveler. World traveler? Jitsi. Jitsi. An Experiancer. Listen to ladyaga Jitsi a lot.
Victoria Volk: This has been so fun catching up with you, and I’m excited to see how this experience will change you. Over the next year. And I am actually, like, let’s plan a catch up maybe not as long as two years, maybe in eighteen months or something like that. I would love to see. Yeah.
Jordan Brodie: I’d love to see you another one in a year. Yeah. It’s exciting. I’m I’m curious to know for the listeners, like like, what people what their experience with grief is and traveling and I’m really curious to know if I’m the only one who feels this like connection with, like, with my loved ones that have passed. Like, if you will if I’m just kinda delusional about all this or.
Victoria Volk: No. I can even tell you just people who I’ve talked to and had who have been on this podcast that that’s not true, that you’re not alone in that.
Jordan Brodie: Are thinking about them a lot. And, yeah, no one really prepares me for it. And it’s kinda like a splinter. Like, you just gotta rip out which just happens.
Victoria Volk: It’s very true.
Jordan Brodie: Well, thank you. Yes. So wonderful.
Victoria Volk: Yes. Thank you so much for being here and for catching us up on your life. And I look forward to seeing what workaway brings to you in the future? Because I think it’s
Jordan Brodie: I’m still working on music. I’m actually looking for recording studios right now because I have I’ve have a song written that I want to record And so I’m still doing my music stuff. Like, I haven’t given up on my influencer music artist’s dreams. I’m just trying to make a more deeper, more personal brand than just, like, like, some candy, pot, like, superficial, like, three d like, just two-dimensional person. I’m just trying to be authentically myself, but I’m still gonna do music and stuff. One thing I haven’t done, sadly, since Chase and Josh died, I haven’t really written about them. Or about their death or about any of that. I want to. I’ve been kind of procrastinating and printing it off. One of my favorite artists is Grimes. I don’t know if you know her, but she’s amazing. I love her. She’s so wonderful. And I learned this that her first album of Libya was written in Vancouver, Washington, her best friend died from a drug overdose, and she was to deal with her grief. She locked herself in her apartment for, like, a week and wrote oblivion, which was her first like, landmark album that, like, blew her up. And I’ve been wanting to do this. But I haven’t known how. I have actually brings up some pain like mention like, I’ve been afraid my impostor syndrome says, I’m not good enough to produce all the songs by myself. That I need a microphone. I need this. I need that. I need this. Like, there’s all these excuses that I have. And I really hopefully, by the next time we talk, I will have done a lock-in for a week and written about Jason. Josh, and Julie, and my other loved ones. I’ve written about Julie. She is my aunt. I didn’t really mention that. I mentioned to her a little bit. Right? She died, like, a while ago, something overdose. But, like, I didn’t I still haven’t written about Jason Josh, and I really I think I need to. I’m kind of waiting for the right time. It’s gonna happen when it’s supposed to happen. And but this next song I’m doing is called it’s it’s gonna be like a chill kind of pop song like asking people to get to know me because I want people to get to know me. That’s why I love doing this podcast because I really hope some of my friends and loved ones watch this and it helps me connect with more people because I want an audience that’s real and not superficial. Like, we all have a reason why we’re connected. It’s not just because I’m hot or just because I have good music. It’s like, they have a reason. You know?
Victoria Volk: Well, and I imagine that the loss of your loved ones aside that just traveling over the next year or two that what you experience will inspire your writing for sure.
Jordan Brodie: Oh, definitely. And I haven’t really written about traveling yet. I’d like to, but I’ve been writing. I’ve written a few songs yesterday. I’ve been writing. Yeah.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. Let the environment inspire you because it sounds like it is, so that’s wonderful.
Jordan Brodie: Well, thank you, Victoria. Bye now.
Victoria Volk: Thank you. Love you too. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, much love.
